Sports are dumb but I like a couple of them a lot and especially when gambling and all those delicious numbers are involved. Liking sports is a screaming red flag that you’re a blubbering idiot. A big fat retard. Sometimes, I’m a big fat retard. Sorry, not sorry. Since I can admit it, and know when what I’m talking about is vapid, it’s not a problem. If I was only interested in intellectual pursuits like decoding people’s psyches based on their Subway order, I would be a better person. I would be Zeus. I’m not Zeus. I’m Hades. Every now and then, I like to live with the muckrakers on Earth and partake in plebian pursuits like sports gambling.
Not all sports gambling though. Just regular season win total bets for NBA and NFL along with single-game sides for playoff games. Last year for NFL season win totals, I went 15-13-4. I’m not going to expend the effort to write all of them down. You’ll just have to take my word for it. That record keeps your money. It doesn’t lose you money, but it doesn’t make money either. Not ideal. Oh well, it’s still fun to make picks and look back after the regular season ends. Don’t think of me as a legitimate football gambling authority. I’m not a football savant-like I am with basketball. My football interest goes like this: the first game is must-watch television. The first three Sundays are a priority. After that, I only watch if it’s bad weather outside, nothing else is going on, the teams are clearly good, and the book that I’m currently reading hasn’t captured my mind. Don’t get it twisted though, I will absolutely still pick game sides and get legitimately happy or upset based upon their correctness.
With that foreplay out of the way, allow me to entertain myself and try to write something fun while also attempting to predict the future! Totals and odds are from Action Network on September 1st.
Cardinals 🐔 8.5-
Kyler Murray’s face is too chubby. If I played offensive guard on the Cardinals, I wouldn’t like looking at my team’s midget quarterback with stuffed chipmunk cheeks who also did the faggy social media thing where he took off all team logos from his accounts. The stunt that’s de rigeur among contemporary footballers is not my cup of tea. The only professional athlete that I like less than Kyler Murray is Naomi Osaka. Both of them are half Asian/ half Black. So that’s Kyler. Oh, I forgot about the whole thing about the fact that success from him would be the first of its kind in the history of the NFL. Not the whole mixed Asian thing (although that would indeed be a first as well). The part about him being 5’-7” and how his helmet makes him look adorable. No quarterback in history has been good while making everyone think of their trip to Build-A-Bear Workshop in elementary school. Oh, and he acts like he’s only about himself! What an unappealing personality! I watched their playoff game against the Rams. I picked the Cardinals to cover! That game was about as bad as when the 76ers have their annual playoff shitshow. That Cardinals game was legitimately sad to watch. The team quit halfway through the second quarter! Koach Kliff has failed his way to the top of his profession because he’s a hot ex-quarterback who has a deep voice. Count on a useless legacy owner who inherited the team to fall in love with a dumb bimbo like Koach Kliff. This team lost their best defensive player to the Raiders. It was a guy who liked to smoke spice and get caught being naked in front of police stations in Arizona. An authentic football player. Good teams have defensive players who are psychos. The best player besides Kyler on this team is a wide receiver who is suspended six games for steroids. The redeeming part of this team is that they have a maybe-good quarterback in a conference that doesn’t have many of those. I don’t buy it. Cardinals Under -115.
Falcons 🐤 5-
There’s this thing in pro football called “dead money”. I think it means that there’s money that you aren’t allowed to spend to make the team. The Falcons have a lot of that deceased dinero which makes me think they’ll be really bad in a league that revolves around players who are paid a lot. The Falcons jerseys might be the best in the league and the Mike Vick black number seven might be the best jersey in sports. This division is one that I kind of believe in… besides this team. Falcons Under -150.
Ravens 🐦 9.5-
Lamar Jackson might be the NFLer who I root the most for. That honor is between him, Aaron Rodgers, and Joe Burrow. I fell in love with Lamar while he was resurrecting Bobby Petrino at Louisville. I’m a sucker for a black quarterback who can run fast and make defenders miss. What can I say, I’m someone who grew up when Michael Vick was the culture. Shout out to Steve McNair. So I love Lamar and when he chokes in the playoffs it hurts my feelings. What doesn’t hurt my feelings is how Lamar is handling his contract business, which is like a man. Holding out for a top-of-market deal while not doing the Kyler Murray social media hijinks. Let me love Lamar. Ravens Over -160.
Bills 🐃 11.5-
Before last year I said Josh Allen was the Zoom Stock of quarterbacks because he’s only good in a pandemic. Wow, I was extremely incorrect with that claim. He’s Captain America. That Chiefs game was the best football game I’ve ever seen. If the Bills don’t make the Super Bowl, they should fire their coach. He deserves the same deal Jimmy Garapollo got in “San Francisco” because he really fucked that tortured fanbase by losing that game in Kansas City. Now I must admit, McDermott has the eyes of a ruthless killer and I love that about him, but Captain America deserves a coach that won’t allow thirteen seconds to be enough for the other team to get off a field goal from their own 25. Captain America is so awesome. Bills Over -140.
Panthers 🐆 6.5-
As someone who grew up in the Sacramento valley, it’s my duty to stand up for footballers who were born, raised, and played prep football in the most disrespected football recruiting hotbed in the country. The footballers who never got the college recruiting attention that they deserved. Shaq Thompson is the king of those players. I will always root for that dude. He should’ve gone to USC. Shaq is probably the best Sac area football player in history. Grant High School shout-out. Devontae Booker shout-out. Quick side-note: Jonah Williams only went to high school in Folsom. He was born and raised in the south so he doesn't count. So that’s one reason why I’m sitting in the Carolina Canoe. Another is that the Baker Mayfield Revenge Tour is something that I want to happen. David Tepper is a real jackass and I’ll never forget how adamant he was about putting more people on ventilators in April 2020, but I’m buying his football team this year. Panthers Over -110.
Bears 🐻 6.5-
I don’t know any players on the Bears. Their field is always making headlines for its lack of quality. The organization has been around for as long as the NFL and never had a good quarterback. They’ve been owned by the same inept family for their entire existence. Something tells me that their ownership lineage doesn’t have a superGenius leader like me who is willing to make the best decision no matter the cost. The Bears are probably in their Jeanie Buss leadership part of legacy sports team ownership. I love betting against incompetent ownership. Bears Under -190 (lol).
Bengals 🐅 10-
Joe Burrow is MY QUARTERBACK. He’s overcome the ridiculousness of Urban Meyer, he led the best team in college football history, he just put on his Tom Brady hat and took the goddamn Bengals to the freaking Super Bowl, he’s great at basketball, and he romps his teammates in chess. I understand that their playoff run was a complete fluke but I think that people are being unfair to this Bengals team. The Bengal's over/under win total last year was 6.5. Their odds to make the Super Bowl were long. I think that it’s hard to accept being wrong and that zealously buying into a Bengals post-Super Bowl disaster isn’t sound gambling. Their coach makes very dumb facial expressions on the sideline. Watching Joe Burrow and the defense bail him out of being thought of as one of those Mike McCarthy Retard Coaches (MMRC) upsets me. The Bengals don’t play that game where you fire your coach when you come to the conclusion that he’s an MMRC. This organization waits five years, then three more to move on from dumb coaching. The white uniforms with the white helmets are the coldest in the league. When they wear those, the team name should officially be the White Bengals. White Bengals Over +100.
Browns 🐶 9.5-
I don't trust this team of professional athletes to be able to put aside their personal discomfort with Deshaun Watson to focus everything they have on winning football games. I think the Browns will lose most of the games without Deshaun because their backup quarterback is bad and they play in the conference with most of the great quarterbacks. Then when Deshaun comes back, I think they’ll lose because he won’t be ready to go in and win games. Oh, and the Browns always screw things up. Historical ineptitude aside, Myles Garret is a ridiculous human being and I get frightened when he is shown playing basketball. His eyes are too big and he strikes me as a dumb guy but my goodness, he is a marvel of the human species. To psyche himself up, he imagines the opposing quarterback calling him a nigger. Some real dangerous stuff. Maybe he’ll be Desaun’s friend just because he’s black. Recently I watched Amari Cooper’s highlights and then I understood why he is so highly touted. Don’t sleep on Amari Cooper’s highlight reel. He’s no Antonio Brown and Tom Brady would never let him sleep over at his house, but that video convinced me of Amari’s talent. Maybe Tom would allow Amari over for Avocado Ice Cream and Kale juice shots. Browns Under -110.
Cowboys 🤠 10-
This is a team like the Cardinals that had an embarrassing playoff humiliation. In that game, Dak showed why he isn’t one of the good quarterbacks. Just an average one that leveraged a team into giving him a hyper-inflated contract. I’ve heard him interviewed. He’s only a corporate pitchman with the personality of cardboard. Screw Dak. On top of the problem of having an overrated, mediocre douchebag for a quarterback, the Cowboys employ a full-retard for a coach. Mike McCarthy himself. That man squandered Aaron Rodgers. Just look at him. He’s the definition of a bumbling oaf. Oh, and their best player is out for the year. Oh, and they have a running back taking up a lot of the salary cap. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am a fan of Jerry Jones. He’s always loved paying his blacks, but he knew it wouldn’t end well when he decided to pay Dak, and what’s currently happening isn’t proving him wrong. The Cowboys had the best record against the spread last year, and when that happens, I like to fade them the following year. Especially when a faggot like Dak Prescott is their quarterback and not Joe “Jesus” Burrow. Cowboys Under -110.
Broncos 🐴 10-
The Bronco's dark orange uniforms with dark blue accents are amazing. Those made me want to start a fake franchise with them on Madden 08. That and the random snow games. I’m buying the assertion that Russell Wilson is washed. That short quarterback's age in dog years. I haven’t looked it up but their schedule must be quite arduous, and this franchise has lowkey always sucked without a Shanahan football genius coaching them or Peyton Manning magic. It hurts to go against Randy Gregory. Love that dude. Broncos Under +100.
Lions 🦁 6.5-
Most teams that had bad records, also had bad records against the spread. The Detroit Lions were the exception to that. This team is lowkey boring. If it weren’t for the charisma of their head coach, their Hard Knocks season would be bad. I don’t really know a lot about football, but I believe that the teams that have good offensive and defensive lines are better positioned to win games than teams that don’t. This year, I think the Lions win more games, but don’t repeat their formidable ATS record. Lions Over -125.
Packers 🧀 11-
Every year I get my hopes up for my beloved Aaron Rodgers in the postseason, and every year he chokes. I fucking love Aaron Rodgers. He reads books! He rebelled against the ridiculous covid regulations! He likes drugs! If you besmirch Aaron Rodgers around me, that won’t fly. If you talk bad about this perfect human being, I’ll always think of you as a faggot douchebag. I heard Aaron talk about how when he was at Cal and how he told people that he was going to the NFL. The way he said it gave me goosebumps. Like he knew that he was God’s Gift and Excalibur was rightfully his, and he wasn’t afraid to admit it. Olivia Munn did a disservice to humanity by getting pregnant with John Mulhaney instead of Aaron Rodgers. Seriously, go watch Aaron Rodgers highlights! No one else in the NFL makes throws that make you say “Wow!” like Aaron Rodgers. He throws people open by dropping a golf ball in the hole… from a helicopter 200 feet above the ground. A beautiful thrower of the football. Once again, I’m taking the Aaron Rodgers over. Packers Over -110.
Texans 🐂 4.5-
Somehow this team went under their win total last year, and I think their total was 4. I think it’s hard to stay awful in the NFL. Aside from that, I have no thoughts on the Texans besides how their coach looks like Black Santa when he grows out his beard. Texans Over +100.
Colts 🐎 10-
I can’t read anything about the NFL without finding praise for the Colts and how smart they are. It’s a propaganda team. I’m going to fade them because they rely on a running back and those things usually get injured. Their quarterback is a mummy, and their defense relied on fumble recoveries last year which isn’t something that’s repeatable. Sports Authorities are clamoring about the Cowboys defense not being able to sustain last year’s level of defensive takeaways, and the Colts had only one less than the Cowboys. Super boring team, and this Darius Leonard bullshit about not using his “real” name because he didn’t want to make a scene when he was a rookie is dumb. Yo Darius, no one will think ill of someone who clarifies their own name. Dumbass. Colts Under -115.
Jaguars 🐆 6.5-
The Jaguars had nine defensive takeaways while the Colts had thirty-three. Wow. Listen, I really want to see Trevor Lawrence bust (or get in a sex scandal) because that dude has never faced adversity aside from last year’s shit-show but I believe in the post-Meyer bounceback. Doug Pederson can be my step-dad any day of the week. Jaguars Over +100.
Chiefs 🏹 10.5-
Ummm… this is the best quarterback ever and he just got humiliated by the Bengals. Something tells me that he’s going to come back with a vengeance. The Cheetah is breath-taking but I’m not one to buy wide receiver importance in regards to winning football games. The Chiefs can find some capable replacements for that because they have football’s version of Steph “Basketball Jesus” Curry. Travis Kelce is distractingly good-looking and Andy Reid sacrificed his family for football glory. This Chiefs team will lay waste to the NFL. Chiefs Over -120.
Chargers 🔌 10-
I love watching their team always go for it on fourth down and for two points after touchdowns, but I think this team is legitimately cursed. That Mike Williams dude seems to play like the best receiver in the league whenever I watch him. Khalil Mack has the biggest head I’ve ever seen and is a terrifying human being. How on Earth did he play college football at Buffalo?! He’s amazing and Jon Gruden is a retard for letting him leave Las Vegas. I don’t want to, but I will. Chargers Over -140.
Rams 🐏 10.5-
McBae is a great coach for many things but one of them is that he loves doing play-action deep one first down after his defense gets an interception. McBae is a person who will twist the knife after he punctures your chest cavity. He snagged an Eastern European wife which is extremely admirable. Oh, and he usually goes over the Vegas win total. I believe in McBae. Another thing about this Rams team is that they have a good quarterback in a conference lacking in that particular position. Aaron Donald is swinging Bengals player’s helmets at them which I love to see from a defensive lineman. Rams Over +105.
Raiders 🏴 8.5-
As someone who has rooted for Raider success for many years, I know what to do when the Raiders have expectations. Fade them. Adding a star wide receiver is something the Raiders love to do and it typically ends badly. Ask Randy Moss and Antonio Brown how things turned out. Jerry Rice even played for them! The Raiders actually made the Super Bowl when Jerry Rice was 40, so I guess the greatest receiver of all-time is the exception to the Raiders wide-receiver love. Davante Adams is not the greatest receiver of all-time. Darren Waller is very good and gives Travis Kelce a run for his title as “most handsome” tight end. Waller looks like a menace on the football field. Max Crosby is a white pass-rushing terror which is a fun novelty. Maybe he can relapse with Chandler Jones smoking some spice. Joey Bosa doesn’t respect the Raiders, and neither do I. Raiders 8.5 Under +110.
Dolphins 🐬 9-
I deeply admire Xavien Howard for publicly calling out Byron Jones as someone who isn’t as good as him but somehow makes more money. This team has what I like to call “organizational incompetence” and that’s something I like to bet against. Adding a star wide receiver and giving him lots of money never seems to work out. I love the Cheetah but this isn’t like Randy Moss going to Uncle Tom, or 40 year-old Jerry Rice going to Rich Gannon. What I’m saying is that this Cheetah experiment by the Dolphins won’t end in a Super Bowl loss. Last year the Dolphins only beat awful teams. Their quarterback fooled everyone while he was at Alabama and people don’t want to admit that ANOTHER Alabama quarterback hoodwinked them into buying the hype. Dolphins Under -120.
Vikings 🗡️ 9-
Mike Zimmer got fired even though he had a cover model girlfriend thirty years younger than him? This team plays two games against Aaron Rodgers? Lots of media people are sucking off their coach who I couldn’t identify if my life depended on it? I’m feeling the contrarian play. Adam Thielen makes impossible touchdown catches and he might be the best white wide receiver ever, but he’s old and probably going to get injured. Sorry Adam. Maybe if Kirk Cousins did drugs and read books I would respect him but that’s not the case. Vikings Under +110.
Patriots 🇺🇸 8.5-
Fuck this team. Bill Belichek was awesome but Uncle Tom gave him the kiss of death. Those things have a 100% mortality rate. Matt Patricia rates very highly among the MMRC’s. He’s radioactive, and repulsive. Two ‘R’ words. This team allocated a lot of money to bad pass-catchers and their one good receiver is notoriously injury-prone and coming off his only healthy season. That’s called negative regression. Oh, and I watched that Bills playoff game. Patriots Under +100.
Saints ⚜️ 8.5-
Alvin Kamara’s balance training videos are incredible. Jameis Winston stole crab legs before college players were allowed advertising money which is irrelevant but it’s something that he probably used to justify risking public embarrassment for some free crab legs. The all-black uniforms are awesome. Saints Over -105.
Giants 🏢 7-
Is this a fucking misprint? This ownership somehow hired Joe Judge and drafted Daniel Jones along with Saquon Barkley. Screw the Giants. Giants Under -110.
Jets ✈️ 5.5-
I plainly dislike their coach and I think he shouldn’t be allowed to have the amount of kids that he convinced his wife into having for him. He’s bald, but he’s in the Koach Kliff camp of coaches who got hired because a billionaire fell in love with them. This conference is going to gang-rape the Jets like how the Punt God gang-raped that incoming freshman at San Diego State. Jets Under +130.
Eagles 🦅 9.5-
No one says a bad word about the Eagles even though their quarterback sucks. He’s bad for black quarterbacks because he plays like how all the slave masters who used to run the league thought black quarterbacks would play. Like the position was too cerebral for them to handle. Like Cam Newton with the Patriots. Jordan Davis was clearly the best player in the draft and I’m disappointed the Ravens didn’t draft him. I really want to fade the Eagles but their division won’t let me. Eagles Over -160.
Steelers ⛓️ 7.5-
Hate to think this but I think TJ Watt is going to have an unlucky, injury-riddled year. Without him, I think this average defense becomes awful. Combine that with Mitch coming out of witness protection in Buffalo to start throwing interceptions again and I don’t think Mike Tomlin and Brian Flores have enough black magic to keep the good times rolling in Pittsburgh. Steelers Under -120.
49ers ⛏️ 10-
This team does nothing but win playoff games, break tackles, get sacks, and run the damn ball. Kyle Shanahan strikes me as a genius who was bred to coach brilliant offense. Usually, I don’t admire coaches for their mental dexterity but Kyle is definitely an exception to that. I love how he once said that NFL coaches are “glorified gym teachers”. That’s true and I respect him for admitting that. George Kittle’s wife is super hot. Oh, and if I could have an NFL player’s body, it would be Nick Bosa. That man was also bred for football, but unlike Kyle Shanahan, Nick was selectively bred to blow up three-hundred and twenty pound offensive tackles on his way to sacking pretty-boy quarterbacks. Jesus Christ, he is a frightening individual. 49ers Over +100.
Seahawks 🦅 5.5-
I’ll never forget watching Drew Locke do the “I can’t hear you” gesture to a road crowd and then throwing an interception immediately after taunting the crowd. Tyler Lockette is the best in the league at tracking long throws as they’re coming down from their apex. DK Metcalf is a hellhound. This team sucks. Seahawks Under +105.
Bucs ⛵ 11.5-
Uncle Tom will always be my hero for shunning masks during his Tampa Bay Super Bowl celebration on the field. Watching how sports people reacted to the pandemic made me realize who my true heroes are. Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are some of those sporters who earned my admiration for how they acted while everyone was running around like headless chickens. Bucs Over +110.
Titans ⚔️ 9-
Ryan Tannehill is a faggot for going to therapy because he imploded in a playoff game. Having said that, I’m someone who thinks receivers are replaceable. Fading the Colts makes me feel obligated to back the Titans. Mike Vrabel strikes me as a mentally and physically strong leader of a professional football team. Titans Over -105.
Redskins 😡 8-
This team always sucks and their owner is avoiding American soil so that he doesn’t have to pay a traffic ticket. Oh, and Ron Rivera has been riding the coattails of that one Cam Newton year for about seven years now. Aside from that team that lost to Von Miller in the Super Bowl, I can’t think of any noteworthy teams that he’s led. Cam Newton made lots of people famous on his way to MVP of the NFL. Shout out to Tommy Tupperville. Great name, below-average football coach. Is Cam Newton the most handsome NFL player in history? I’d put him above Jimmy Garrapollo. O.J. Simpson? LOL, give Cam that crown! Redskins Under -120.