Alrighty, it’s time to make some NBA picks and shadow-manage a friend’s fantasy basketball team without watching one second of regular season basketball broadcasts! Winter is coming! I will admit that in the first twenty games of the season, I will watch the ten-minute video recaps of significant games the morning after the game ends. Don’t waste your time with regular-season basketball. It’s stupid and an awful waste of time. Last year I went 17-11 on season win total picks. That means that I forgot four teams. That also means that I was 60.7%. Spectacular if I do say so myself. Unlike the NFL win total picks, I actually have the specific picks that I got right and wrong. What I got right was: Lakers (under), 76ers (under), Nuggets (over), Mavs (over), Celtics (over), Blazers (under), Grizzlies (over), Pelicans (under), Hornets (over), Raptors (over), Kings/Queens (under), Wolves (over), Wizards (over), Spurs (over), Rockets (under), Pistons (under), Thunder (over). What I got wrong was: Nets (over), Bucks/Fucks (over), Jazz (over), Suns (under), Warriors (under), Heat (under), Hawks (over), Clippers (over), Pacers (over), Cavs (under), Magic (over).
Totals are provided by vegasinsider.com on October 6th.
LEASTERN CONFERENCE
Celtics 53.5 🍀-
Under. I despise Jayson Tatum and my adopted ghetto child Robert Williams III is seriously injured. These aren’t good. Jayson Tatum played too much basketball last year and I think it will catch up to him and bring an injury-filled campaign. Shout out to President Brogdon who I have always respected as a good basketball player. He’s better than Jrue Holiday in the playoffs and if I was Giannis, I would demand that the owner pay Brogdon because he affects winning. Sign me up for the President in fantasy. There’s no way that Al Horford repeats what he did last year. One person besides the President who I want in fantasy on the Celtics is Grant “Pygmy Hippo” Williams. Ime Udoka should go full-heel and become an adult actor.
Bucks/Fucks 52.5 🦌-
Over. I think this went under because Middleton missed a significant amount of time. Middleton doesn’t play a game that predisposes him to injury risk so I don't think that will repeat. Jrue Holiday has a bulletproof lower body and he doesn't get injured. Giannis is obviously a God and doesn’t abide by rules for mortals. Somehow Bobby Portis hasn’t left this team in free agency. Did they keep Jevon Carter? Maybe Grayson Allen can stop being an embarrassment to Whites in America but I doubt it. Whatever. This team went under last year so I’ll pick their over this year. An early playoff exit might make them more motivated to kill the Eastern Conference.
Nets 50.5 🏀-
Over. Look at this roster! It’s fucking stacked! TJ Warren is good and he’s their seventh man. Another year of physical maturation for Nic Claxton and his blonde hair bodes well. I like him in fantasy. I’m a sucker for talent and this Nets team has lots of that. Sign me up for the Nets over.
76ers 50.5 🔔-
Over. Regular season James Harden is worthy of our support. Danuel House called for female companionship in the bubble and it didn’t affect his career one bit. No way in hell Joel Embiid plays as much as he did last year but Tyrese Maxey is going to take a leap and make up for it. I was an initial skeptic of Maxey but he won me over in the Playoffs. Get him in fantasy. Fuck Tobias Harris but at least he doesn’t get injured. That’s probably because he doesn't try on defense or bother to get rebounds but he’s winning at the business of basketball. Tobias Harris makes “business decisions”.
Heat 48.5 🔥-
Over. Their injuries last year were ridiculous and I think they’ll get better luck with that this year. Admittedly, I am a serial Heat doubter and I’m done doing that. They win lots of regular season games and go far in the playoffs. Accept it. I’m buying Kyle Lowry for a bounce-back year. Can Bam Adebayo shoot more shots in the regular season so when the playoffs come, he doesn’t play like a scared white kid at a 24Fit where Blacks play basketball? I liked what Max Strus did in the playoffs and he is a fantasy sleeper in my opinion. I hate this team but I love Jimmy Butler. How did Erik Spoelstra hook up with that Heat dancer? Here’s my guess:
“Hey I’m Erik. I saw you dancing and you look real pretty. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”
“Oh my gosh, hi Erik! Yeah I’m not doing anything, what time works for you?”
“How about 7:30?”
“OK!” Dancer immediately calls her boyfriend and tells him that it's over between them.
Something tells me that Erik Spoelstra was much more polite than Ime Udoka and his black snake.
Cavs 45.5 🤺-
Hawks 45.5 🐥-
Under. Trae Young might have won me a fantasy basketball championship, but he’s a little bitch. I don’t believe in this Hawks team. They got Dejounte Murray and he strikes me as someone who doesn’t help winning because of his bad shooting. What’s he going to do when Trae Young has the ball? Is Trae going to do helpful things when Dejounte has the ball? I don’t think so. John Collins is still here to bitch about Trae not passing enough or playing defense. Clint Capela and Onyeka Okongwu are having a serious position battle. I just think that the chemistry on this Hawks team is so bad, that I have no qualms about picking against them.
Raptors 45.5 🦖-
Over. The Raptors historically always go over, including the one season where I bet their over and they won the championship. Get Scottie Barnes in fantasy. Get Gary Trent JR. If OG Anunoby falls in your draft, pick him. This team only goes over. Is Precious Achiuwa still their starting center?! Lol.
Bulls 41.5 🐂-
Under. I’m probably biased here, but I don’t like this team. I don’t like DeMar DeRozan and his Compton ass. I don’t like Vucevic and his cement feet. lOnZO bALl might have a career-ending knee injury. Turns out David Griffin was right about him in New Orleans. Alex Caruso is a must-have in fantasy. Ayo Dosunmu is a solid sleeper imo. You can talk me into Patrick Williams. Zach Lavine gets injured a lot so you probably don’t want him despite his scintillating shooting percentages.
Knicks 38.5 🏀-
Under. This team employs Tom Thibedou and it’s not his first season with the team. No one on this team makes threes, which is a problem. Hartenstein is better than Robinson. I need Obi Toppin to escape this shit show because he’s talented and deserves better than playing behind Julius Randle. Avoid everyone on this team in fantasy unless RJ Barrett falls past pick 100.
Hornets 36.5 🐝-
Under. My goodness did they play awful defense against the Hawks in that play-in game. Miles Bridges might be suspended for the season which is a bummer. I love LaMelo Ball. This team needs more talented players taller than 6’-6”. I love that Mark Williams ended up here. Terry Rozier is an underrated fantasy killer but I never watch a meaningful game and leave saying, “wow Terry Rozier really took that game over.” PJ Washington is a fantasy basketball tease. He deserves that baby momma of his who is a professional hustler.
Wizards 35.5 🧙♂️-
Under. Will Porzingis last more than 20 games? This team is boring but I kind of like Bradley Beal in fantasy after coming off his most disappointing season as a pro. Having watched a lot of Nuggets basketball, I’m quite familiar with the limits of Monte Morris. Rui Hachimura is still half-Japanese so that means he will never learn how to play basketball. His assist rate is a black eye on Japanese culture. Shout out to Jordan Brand for making shoes about Rui just because he moves units in Japan. Somehow my brain connects Corey Kispert’s wife to George Kittle’s wife. If this weren’t reality, and I could pick one for a girlfriend, I think I would pick Mrs. Kittle. That’s probably the minority opinion. Both of them played college basketball.
Pistons 29.5 🚗-
Over. Initially, I wrote down the under for this pick but I’m changing it because Cade deserves more respect in this godforsaken conference. Bojan Bogdanovic is someone I want in fantasy. Isaiah Stewart is not. Lmao, he’s is like 6’-7” and can’t pass, dribble, or shoot. How did people talk themselves into him last year?! Fagley sucks and I can’t believe the Pistons paid him. Saddiq Bey might be better than OK. Same with Hamadou Diallo. Idk, I just think that Cade is better than everyone on the Knicks and Wizards so the Pistons will finish with more than thirty wins.
Magic 26.5 🧞♂️-
Over. I want Jonathan Isaac in fantasy because he almost fucked me last year and when commodities like stocks and professional sports players fuck me, that makes me want to double down on them. Maybe Markelle Fultz, Jalen Suggs and Cole Anthony can be average. Franz Wagner is a “must-have” in fantasy. He’s legit. Wendell Carter is someone who I want, but not on the level of Franz Wagner.
Pacers 23.5 🏎️-
Over. Sorry but I believe in Tyrese Haliburton to lead an organization to more than 23 regular season wins. I want Jalen Smith to resurrect himself in Indiana. He had one of the best dunks in college basketball history at Maryland. Rick Carlisle is a master coach. Maybe Myles Turner can be unleashed before he gets traded and this team wins more than people expect them to. I like Isaiah Jackson even though I’ve never seen him play. I’ve seen his box scores and he gets blocks and threes. Chris Duarte is someone I believe in. Same with Buddy Hield. This offense just might be top ten in the league with this amount of shooting. Sorry, but I like the Pacers.
BESTERN CONFERENCE
Suns 52.5 ☀️-
Under. Deandre Ayton is a little bitch who plays basketball as such. Jae Crowder is demanding a trade. Chris Paul just finished the coup de grâce of playoff choke jobs. I like Cam Johnson and definitely want him in fantasy because he’s about to break out, but this team seems like Portland last year. A rotting ship that is destined to capsize. I might be wrong here because they won 60+ games last year, but I’m sticking with the under.
Clippers 52.5 ⛵-
Over. This seems silly to pick a team that lobbies the NBA for less regular season games for their regular season win total over, but I love Kawhi. I love Stormin’ Norman. PG13 is alright. Zubac deserves the bump in minutes that he will get following Hartenstein leaving for the Big Apple. Get him in fantasy. I still believe in Terrance Mann for what he did against Utah two years ago.
Warriors 51.5 💥-
Over. I dared the Warriors to go over last year and they did. Steph Curry is still alive and he wins lots of regular season games. Klay is a bum, but he gets a lot of pussy so people like him. He doesn’t fool me though. I know he did that thing against OKC, but Klay Thompson might be the most overrated player of the last ten years. I love Jonathan Kuminga and am so down to pick him in the last round of fantasy drafts. Give me some Jordan Poole as well. Draymond is washed in my opinion and that hurts to say as someone who gets compared to Draymond on the basketball court. I want to be Jimmy Butler, but Draymond is the comp I get most often. I’m excited for Wiseman to get injured and for all of us to see Kevon Looney get the most rebounds in the league.
Nuggets 49.5 ⛏️-
Over. Last year they won 48 games without Murray and MPJ. This is an obvious over, and this is also my favorite team in the league. Especially when MPJ plays.
Grizzlies 49.5 🐻-
Over. There are a lot of “experts” advocating for the Grizzlies under. I’m taking the over because of Tyus Jones and Brandon Clarke. Lol, seriously though, I just have faith in this organization to go over Vegas expectations. Yes, Ja Morant will miss games. Yes, JJJ will miss lots of games. Yes, Kyle Anderson went to Minnesota. I don’t care. Is Zaire Williams going to take a step forward? He was making shots in the playoffs. He’s someone who I will watch with a hawkeye on the waiver wire of fantasy basketball.
Mavs 48.5 🐴-
Over. I love Lord Luka. Sorry, not sorry. I will take the over on his team for the next ten years. That is all.
Wolves 48.5 🐺-
Under. I believed in the talent of this team last year. PatBev is a culture-builder, lmao. But 48.5 is a total that is lofty and I’m not ready to have those expectations on a new ownership group and the most historically incompetent franchise in the NBA. The French Rejection did nothing but dominate the regular season in Utah so that scares me. Towns got mysterious injections in all of his joints after the season ended. He’s had a track record of durability but maybe this year he misses some games. I love Edwards and Jaden McDaniels in fantasy. DLo makes me livid watching him play. If they don’t trade him at the all-star break, they’re doing a disservice to Anthony Edwards. This team needs Jarred Vanderbilt and PatBev and since they traded both of them, I’m taking their under.
Lakers 45.5 🌟-
Under. I always take the Lakers under, and it always cashes. Jeanie Buss is a bottom-5 owner, but she’s a woman so we’re not allowed to point that out. The person on their squad that I’m looking at for fantasy purposes is Thomas Bryant.
Pelicans 44.5 🦆-
Over. I fucking love this team. I respect the hell out of their first-round matchup against the Suns. I love Grand Theft Alvarado. My fantasy team WILL have Herbert Jones on it. Obviously, Zion Williamson is a gift from God. His second shoes are really cool. Trey Murphy catches my eye. McCollum is fine. Ingram is becoming a true shot-maker. Let’s go Pelicans!
Blazers 39.5 🌲-
Under. I love the Pelicans as much as I despise the Blazers. I want Jeremi Grant in fantasy for some reason and I don’t mind Trillard if he falls to the middle of the second round, but this team is disgusting.
Queens 33.5 👸-
Under. The Queens are getting some love for their over. I don’t care. This team has ownership incompetence. It also sucks every year. I like Sabonis and Fox for fantasy but I won’t consider picking a Queens over until they actually have a year where they go over. They have to prove it to me. I fucking hate the Queens.
Jazz 24.5 🎶-
Under. What if an unleashed Collin Sexton is better than De’Aaron Fox?! Lmao, but seriously, this team blows. I love Jarred Vanderbilt but this team doesn’t have enough talent. Jordan Clarkson is going to shoot a lot. Definitely get Sexton in fantasy. I’ve been a fan of Malik Beasley since he was in Denver so I like him this year. This organization wants to bottom out.
Thunder 23.5 ⛈️-
Under. All I have to say is The Great White Hope is injured for the year and I’m disgusted.
Rockets 23.5 🚀-
Over. Sorry but I think this team can go over now that all of their featured players have a year of experience together. Give me some Sengun. Jalen Green isn’t someone I endorse but he’ll probably prove me wrong. Kevin Porter Jr. is “not on my board” in fantasy basketball.
Spurs 22.5 🤠
Under. Their best player is Keldon Johnson. Screw Greg Popovich and screw this team.