Last year I went 16-14. That’s losing the “vig” but it’s not the record of an awful prognosticator. Especially considering that I pick every team. Let’s go.
LEASTERN CONFERENCE
Celtics 54.5 🍀-
Over. This team employs people who are in the prime of their careers and have a demonstrated history of playing lots of regular-season games, besides Porzingis with his injuries and Holiday with his old age. Jayson Tatum, Jaylen Brown, and Derrick White are the foundation of an NBA team that wins 55 games.
Bucks/Fucks 54.5 🦌-
Under. Giannis is starting to get bad knees, and Khris Middleton is starting to break down. Khris has lasted a long time for someone whose mom and dad are also brother and sister. Dame and Giannis won’t go over their regular season win total. I’m fading the hype. This team is too old.
Nets 36.5 🏀-
Under. I love this under. I love betting against Ben Simmons.
76ers 49.5 🔔-
Over. “Embiid will get injured. Harden will make this a mess. I hate this team and I can’t get over my hatred for them and take their over.” That’s what everyone is thinking right now and I’m willing to take a stand against the general public and stand with the Sixers even though I share the public’s sentiments regarding this team.
Heat 48.5 🔥-
Under. Fuck this team.
Cavs 50.5 🤺-
Over. I have an awful taste in my mouth from watching this team get punked by the Knicks in the playoffs but I’m fading a lot of other top-shelf east teams and the Cavs made some free-agent additions so I’ll back their over.
Hawks 42.5 🐥-
Over. I have a bizarre belief in this team. I think it’s the coach but maybe it’s the second year of Trae Young and Dejounte together. This team always enters the playoffs and feels really talented. I understand Trae is a lazy faggot, but I’m bullish on this team.
Raptors 36.5 🦖-
Over. I’m not going to pick their under just because last year was such a shit show. It feels too petty, considering that this team almost always exceeds expectations. Fred Vanvleet’s replacement (Dennis Schroder) will make more shots than Fred and help this Raptors team win more games. That, and Jakob Poeltl won them a lot of games when they acquired him.
Bulls 37.5 🐂-
Over. This team is so fucking boring. So boring that I feel compelled to take their over. When was the last time Zach Lavine had knee surgery?
Knicks 46.5 🏀-
Over. Umm, I guess I trust Jalen Brunson to exceed expectations. Julius Randle will win some regular season games. Just don’t ask Julius to not miss fifteen shots and turn over the ball seven times in every playoff game he plays.
Hornets 31.5 🐝-
Over. Miles Bridges glow-up. LaMelo Ball will stamp his superstardom. Embrace this team.
Wizards 24.5 🧙♂️-
Over. This is the lowest total, and I despise Jordan Poole. On the other hand, I appreciate Tyus Jones as a winning basketball player. Delon Wright also is good. Overall, it just feels like a smart play to endorse the team no one believes in.
Pistons 28.5 🚗-
Under. Marvin Fagley, and James Retard. Monty Williams isn’t a difference-making coach. He’s no Rick Carlisle.
Magic 36.5 🧞♂️-
Over. Markelle Fultz, a difference-maker. Maybe Paolo will become awesome. Maybe Franz Wagner will become amazing. I’m buying this team!
Pacers 38.5 🏎️-
Over. This team killed their win total last year. I ride with Tyrese Haliburton. He’s a joyful leader of men. I love Bruce Brown. I really like Obi Toppin. Benedict Mathurin’s highlights paint him as a difference-maker.
BESTERN CONFERENCE
Suns 52.5 ☀️-
Over. I know Kevin Durant is going to get injured. Oh, and Brad Beal will too. I just have a bizarre belief that this team will re-enact the 2008-2009 Celtics.
Clippers 46.5 ⛵-
Over. I hate this pick so much that I have to take it. Kawhi and PG are entering the season healthy which I guess is good! What I really like about this over is that a bunch of “experts” were sucking off this team last year and now those “experts” feel petty and aren’t hyping up the team that only a year earlier, they induced to cum with the most spirited blowie those “expert” have ever administered in their life. This win total went six games lower from last year and the roster is pretty much the same. That seems like a spot where you take the “over”.
Warriors 48.5 💥-
Over. I know Draymond is already suffering from a serious ankle injury. The core of this team is too old. This feels dumb but I have a lot of Bestern Conference overs so I need to pick a West team to go over. I might as well ride with Basketball Jesus.
Nuggets 52.5 ⛏️-
Under. Listen, I love Lord Voldemort and his Death Eater army but they perpetually own a sub-standard bench which matters in the regular season. Also, I just don’t believe in the supporting Death Eaters to really make this team a bonafide defending champion. Jamal Murray and Aaron Gordon are dying to have a let-down season. When MPJ sprains his ankle, he starts wearing a walking boot. He’s dying to play less than thirty games this year. The West might be better as a whole. The Nuggets had an amazing year, but that was last year. The NBA encourages parity which might or might not be cool. I just can’t escape the feeling that lots of people are blindly falling in love with this over because everyone thinks that who wins the championship this year is the team that won it last year.
Grizzlies 45.5 🐻-
Over. People with clout were besmirching this team entering last year and the Grizzlies blew past their win total. I don’t really mind Ja’s silly suspension. For some reason, I trust this team, and I trust this organization. This team jettisoned Dillon Brooks and they’ll get worse? No. They’ll get better because he missed so many shots, and his replacement will make more of those shots.
Mavs 44.5 🐴-
Under. I picked the Nets over last year so this year, I have to pick against Kyrie Irving’s team success. Even with Lord Luka and his Revenge Body. Jason Kidd has never helped a team with his coaching. He’s failed his way up the coaching ranks. Reptile Marc Cuban probably hired Koach Kidd because it made him feel good to hang out with The General. This Mavs team is really about to screw up having Lord Luka through his ascent to superstardom. I despise this team’s off-court leadership.
Wolves 45.5 🐺-
Over. Karl Towns might be the NBA player I despise most. Him or Ben Simmons. French Rejection is washed and unskilled. Still, this team beat the Nuggets once in the playoffs and barely missed this total last year even though Towns suffered the world’s most serious calf injury. That one win, and Towns’ presumed health this year inspire me to take their over. Also, I’m picking a lot of Bestern Conference unders, so I feel compelled to take an over here.
Lakers 47.5 🌟-
Under. LeBron is forty. Anthony Davis will play no more than fifty games. You always take the Lakers under. Always. Austin Reaves be damned. I know that Hachimura is going to glow up, and this Laker team is lowkey stacked but I just am beholden to taking their under. Like how I’m compelled to take the Raptors’ over.
Pelicans 44.5 🦆-
Under. Last year I watched their spirited first-round series and picked their over. Wow, they really screwed last season up. I’m being petty with this team. They’re cursed.
Blazers 28.5 🌲-
Under. This team wants to lose. Shaedon Sharpe, Anfernee Simons, and Rookie Scoot Henderson comprise what I believe will be the worst defensive backcourt in the NBA.
Queens 44.5 👸-
Under. Last year they did so great. I just have to pick against this team because I’m familiar with their history.
Jazz 35.5 🎶-
Under. This win total was very low last year and I just feel good about selling their stock after they took over the NBA for the first twenty games of the season. They had Malik Beasley winning games and that didn’t last. Malik plays on the Bucks now. Do you know who else left the Jazz and was mission-critical to their shocking first twenty games? Mike Conley. He doesn’t play for them this year.
Thunder 44.5 ⛈️-
Under. This team just feels too hyped.
Rockets 31.5 🚀-
Under. They got rid of Kevin Porter but they still have Jalen Green. Fred Vanvleet misses a lot of shots. So does Dillon Brooks. When you miss as many shots as Dillon Brooks and Fred Vanvleet do, you lose games. When you lose games, you go under your win total.
Spurs 29.5 🤠
Under. I don’t appreciate Greg Popovich’s cultural admonishments and I’m blinded by my hatred for him. That, and I just despise this team. Sochan pissed me off at Baylor and he pisses me off now. Maybe Wemby will play forty-five games, but not more than that.