2023 NBA Against The Spread Picks Record

Record: 5-3

Goddamn it's nice to be able to watch a professional basketball game. Thank Black Baby Jesus that the preseason is over. Unfortunately, I was only able to watch the last fifteen minutes of game time between the Queens and the Warriors which must have been the best fifteen minutes of regulation this whole season. Kyrie Swirving must have indoctrinated Malik Monk into his cult because at the end of that war, Malik was cozying up to Vivek like Kyrie was to Reptile Mark Cuban when Kyrie first joined the Mavs. Now, I haven't done this in a while but I am a professional lip-reader and although the shot of Malik and Vivek pretending to love each other was short, Malik was obviously hopped up on the crystal blue (as he is wont to do) and Vivek was pretty jazzed about defeating the organization that he beats off to.

Malik: "That's fucking right Big Daddy! You know that I am that nigga!"

Vivek: "Yes Malik! You are my nigga! One thousand thank you's for you! You get to sleep in the Big House tonight and enjoy the spoils of my lovely daughter Anjali!"

Malik: "Nigga I don't got to play this shit like De'Aaron. Your daughter's beat. Just give me the blue like you did during the regular season after I scored forty. I'm just trying to get high Big Daddy."

Vivek: "It hurts my heart to hear this Malik. De'Aaron never passes up a night at the Big House with Anjali. Oh well, you will have your crack cocaine. Nothing but the best for you Malik!"

Malik: "Damn right nigga!"

I think that was the gist of their conversation. Holy fuck that Queens game was incredible. The neighbors must have heard me screaming Harrison Barnes name after he allowed himself to dribble the ball from the opponent's free-throw line all the way to the cup for that layup in the fourth quarter. It felt like 2002 and I was seven, watching the Queens win a genuinely exciting basketball game. De'Aaron was making ridiculous threes (and missing free throws). Things were not functioning well for the Queens on offense. They weren't passing and moving. You know how the Revenge Spurs passed and moved during the playoffs? The Queens aren't doing that. They are relying on MALIK FUCKING MONK and De'Aaron Fox to break down their defenders and score a tough basket or get fouled. MALIK FUCKING MONK. Jesus Christ he saved the season with that game. ALL HEART. Several times, he went to the rim willing to die and demanded that Sean Wright call shooting fouls. I know De'Aaron will miss free throws but I trust MALIK FUCKING MONK with my life on the line when he shoots free throws.

Sabonis was a real boner. Again, I only watched the last fifteen minutes of regulation but it feels like he can't score which isn't ideal because he doesn't block shots or steal the ball on defense. What Saboner did was draw loose ball fouls rebounding the ball which the Queens desperately needed because the Warriors were getting lots of offensive rebounds. The kind of offensive rebounds that crush your soul. Looney Tunes is back and he knows where every rebound is going to carom. Shout out to that Eastern European coach the Warriors employ who taught Looney Tunes how to know where every rebound is going.

No one cares but I have a tough time watching Alex Len. He's late to everything on defense and he's always expecting someone else to guard the three-point shooter in front of him. "Intuitive" is not a word you would use to describe Alex Len's defense. He's "tardy to the party". He decided to dribble the basketball after one of his rebounds and caused the Queens to take eight seconds to bring the ball past halfcourt. Shout out to the refs for not calling that. Sean Wright has some crazy chipmunk cheeks. No way he could cheat you with cheeks like those. Sean Wright moves like a banker or some kind of financial professional. There is not an athletic bone in his body. Shout out to Ed Malloy for still being a playoff ref.

People can tell you that the Queens have a bad defense but it's rare for people to explain the reality of their defensive abomination. Here's the dirty, when the Warriors have the ball, one of three things happens. One is a layup. This happens a lot. Two, a shooting foul. Shout out Trey Lyles. Three, an open three-pointer. The Warriors' defense brings me unpleasant flashbacks to playing basketball with this mummified Sixers fan at the country club. You can bet your bottom dollar that whoever he's guarding will jog right around him for a layup, and in transition, you can forget about him staying with his man. He is a one-man shitshow on defense and it loses games. Now, the Queens are a five-man shitshow. It's really jarring watching how easy it is for the Warriors to get a great outcome on offense. Winning that game required insane De'Aaron Fox threes, and Malik Monk channeling Kyrie Swirving. I really want to pick the Queens to cover game 2 because it feels like NO ONE will do that. Basketball Jesus shooting that three-point floater at the end of game 1 reminded me of LeBron shooting that game-winner in Toronto. LeBron knew that the Cavs were winning and he didn't give a fuck. Basketball Jesus knows that the Warriors are going to crush the Cow-Town Queens.

MALIK FUCKING MONK does indeed have games that he takes over. The Clippers game from the preseason comes to mind but MALIK FUCKING MONK is addicted to crack cocaine and he goes too hard after those nuclear games. The next games are usually single-digit performances, so I wouldn't expect that Game 1 to repeat itself. That, and the fact that I just can't imagine a world where this Queens team goes up 2-0 on Basketball Jesus.

SIXERS 🔔 (-10) over Nets 🏀

Warriors ⚡️ (-1) over QUEENS 👸🏾

Record: 6-4

🎶 Palmdale, the beginning G

The place where I lost my virginity

To a young senorita named Peaches

Her skin was tan like the sand in the beaches

All my exes don't live in Texas

They live in Palmdale and they bomb as hell

There's no place like home, rolling through the blocks that I used to roam

That's the first liquor store to sell me alcohol, that's my name still spray-painted on the wall

B-1 Liquor Store, I used to bum change in front of the door

It feels so good to be back in my hood, Imma give it up like I should 🎶

East Side Palmdale- Afroman

Man that was bad. I had this smart plan before the Queens-Warriors series that I would take the home team to cover every game and then I had to watch game 1 and think I was smart. Bad prognosticating by me. I got punched by Mike Tyson and my plan went out the window.

I'm done calling De'Aaron Fox, Aaron Fox, and if the Queens beat the Warriors I'm going to have to retire the Queen's nickname. Few people enjoy holding on to grudges as much as me but I'll admit I'm wrong if things turn around. Things are turning around. That was a boring beatdown in Cowbell Kingdom. I tapped out with nine minutes to go in the game because Money Green and the Warriors wouldn't stop turning the ball over. I haven't checked the box score but it felt like the Warriors had 25 turnovers as a team. I can't watch that. When teams start turning the ball over, my interest in the game goes out the window and if it's past my bedtime, it's night-night. Turnovers kill my interest even more than excessive offensive rebounds, and the Warriors were doing both of those things. If Money Green actually shared revealing insights on his Fireside Chats, I wonder what kind of bullshit he would spew after last night's beatdown. Is he going to share how sore his ass is from getting blocked at the rim by Alex Len? What was going through his mind on his passes to no one? How he's tricking all of us into not talking about him the way we talk about Ben "The Quitter" Simmons? To be fair, Money Green did make one three, but then he took another one (non-corner), and of course he missed that.

I feel so fucking dumb. The Queens were passing and moving on offense and not relying on MALIK FUCKING MONK to get by his defender and get fouled. Kevin "Hurt Locker" Huerter was making shots. Hurt Locker did get blocked on a corner three by Basketball Jesus, which is wild because there's a four-inch disparity in their heights, but Hurt Locker was good.

Davion "The Kindergartner" Mitchell made a three. He had to work up to that by making an eighteen-footer. I'm shocked whenever The Kindergartner makes a shot. He doesn't look comfortable shooting. I guess he's going to be a more responsible Marcus Smart and that's a useful player, but I'll never be happy that he's on the Queens.

Harrison "Black Falcon" Barnes dunked all over Handsome Squidward at the beginning of this game. You know Black Falcon is ready to fuck when he starts putting his nuts on defenders at the rim. If this was a more perfect world, I would be one of those post-game reporters tasked with asking players questions. I would ask Handsome Squidward what Black Facon's nuts smelled like. Then I would fly to Boston and ask Deuce Tatum if he thinks Daddy is going to shoot 6 for 20 in the Leastern Conference Finals against the Fucks and look like a little bitch complaining to the refs after they don't bail him out after he crashes to the floor and misses a layup. Deuce's answer wouldn't be important. The fight between Jayson and me immediately after the shock of me asking Deuce that question would be though.

Back to Black Falcon. Does he bond with Keegan Murray about growing up being Token Blacks in Iowa? Seriously, they were both born and raised in Iowa. Black Falcon tried to escape White Culture by going to UNC, but that shit is ingrained in Black Falcon. No matter how hard he tries, people will always smell the cultural whiteness that permeates his being. Same with CJ McCollum, although CJ doesn't even try to hide it. That dude is wigger through and through.

Can you tell that this game was boring? I'm talking about CJ McCollum when I think about this game.

I feel like an ass for picking the Warriors to win that game and I feel like an ass for thinking that Saboner would be as bad as he was in game 1. It felt like Saboner was going to die at halftime. He gets violently beaten by three people every time he gets the ball near the rim. He also dominates the boards. Looney Tunes hasn't been up to snuff getting rebounds around Saboner. Is Saboner single-handedly causing the Warriors to get in the bonus with five minutes left in every quarter? The amount of loose-ball rebounding fouls that the refs call for Saboner feels high. Like, the highest. The shots that I remember most from Saboner were the and1 that he made while Looney Tunes was hip-checking him to the floor and the "dare you" thirteen-footer that Money Green dared him to shoot. Saboner swooshed that thirteen-footer and he didn't hesitate to take it. He knew Money Green was going to play Westbroke Defense on him. Money Green needs to shave his beard. He looks forty with that grey splotch on the side of his chin which would be fine if he could dunk, but Money Green can't dunk anymore. He can take charges and get his shit swatted at the rim by Alex Fucking Len. Is Money Green really going to swindle some team into giving him $150 million dollars after this year? Man, what a time to be alive if that happens.

There isn't much to say about the Warriors besides the fact that they had so many turnovers, I turned off the game with nine minutes left and was completely right about doing so. Basketball Jesus was making some shots but he wasn't taking over the game. I hate to admit it but The Kindergartner was doing a good job guarding him.

Canary Kerr looked absolutely clueless about what to do in that game. Does Canary Kerr have the thinnest lips among NBA coaches? He has to. That shit he does with his hair is a huge character red flag. Never trust a White who gels the front part of his hair up like that.

When Canary Kerr starts playing Moses Moody, you know he has no fucking clue about what to do. It's not even that Moses Moody is bad, it's just that Canary Kerr hates Moses Moody for no fucking reason and if he starts playing him, you know the Warriors are screwed.

Maple Jordan made some threes I guess. Whatever. He wasn't dunking, which is something the Warriors need him to do because Handsome Squidward and Basketball Jesus aren't putting pressure on the rim like Maple Jordan does (sometimes). Do you know what Handsome Squidward does when he has the ball? He dribbles up to his chest and De'Aaron Fox comes from behind him and pokes the ball away. Maybe if the Warriors paid Handsome Squidward 80 million dollars a year instead of 40, he would take a hint from Lord Luka and dribble below his waist at least. Maybe eventually he would even get his ass closer to the ground and start dribbling below his knees!

Fuck the Warriors. Fuck Handsome Squidward. Fuck Canary Kerr. Fuck Maple Jordan. Fuck me for abandoning my plan to take the home team against the spread in every game of this series.

I didn't see any crowd shot of Ms. Type Two Diabetes (Mrs. De'Aaron Fox). She got a shot in the fourth quarter of game 1 and I figured that was a thing. Guess not. What kind of crazy stuff does she do to De'Aaron to keep them married? No doubt she's OK with De'Aaron spending nights at the Big House with Anjali but there has to be some crazy kink that De'Aaron needs. Ms. Type Two Diabetes has to be the ugliest wife of an NBA player. Absolutely has to. Shout out to Ms. Type Two Diabetes. Only in Texas.

As much as it pains me to admit this, there's a paucity of baddies in the Cowbell Kingdom crowd. Miami, Sacramento is not. There's an obvious energy that even people who watch the games muted (🙋🏼‍♂️) can see. Obvious energy and obvious plainness.

I can't freaking believe that the Queens are going to play the Lakers in the conference semifinals. What a time to be alive.

CELTICS 🍀 (-10) over Hawks 🐥

-Screw Trae Young

CAVS 🤺 (-5.5) over Knicks 🏀

-You have to take the favored home team after they lose game 1

SUNS ☀️ (-7.5) over Clippers ⛵️

-You have to take the favored home team after they lose game 1. I'm watching this game.

Record: 9-4

“You know me. I’m Kevin Durant.”- Kevin Durant.

You know me! I’m the motherfucking P.O.G. Let’s freaking gooooooo!!!!!! 3-0?!?! Are you serious? Goddamn, I love myself. Seriously though, Kevin Durant has some fire quotes for someone who’s been trained to not think or talk in a way that would affect a team of people around him. There’s that quote, and there’s another one that I’m forgetting. Not the thing about Wanda being the real M.V.P. Shout out to Wanda. Showing up courtside all Gucci’d out. She’s an inspiration to all the single mothers in West Baltimore. Have as many kids as possible in the hopes that one of them grows to seven feet for no goddamn reason while keeping the dexterity of a world-class athlete. Then, you can one day be shown on television wearing clothes that sell for thousands but cost ten to make. Overall, the Phoenix crowd didn’t disappoint. That crowd is the second most attractive in the league (second to Miami). Yes, that means that they’re hotter than the Lakers' crowd. Shocking, I know. There was a baddie photographer sitting down next to the Clippers’ bench. Black shirt, blue jeans. She must have got rotated out of that position because there was a guy in her spot when the fourth quarter started. Courtside, there was that hottie in the white pants. Sitting next to the sleazeball with green circle glasses and the black and gold button-up. He got shown a lot when the Clippers shot free throws in the fourth quarter. Phoenix has attractive women and men that look like duplicitous salesmen. These are the guys that wear colorful button-ups with two buttons undone on the top. Green circle glasses aren’t something I’ve ever seen before but sunglasses indoors is another trademark of this group. Maybe a chain or four. Definitely an outrageous watch (or as they call it, a “timepiece”).

Dyed blonde hair is a hallmark of Phoenix women. Dallas is like that but with an extra forty pounds attached to it. RIP Los Mavericks.

There are a lot of WNBA players in the commercials for these games. Kelsey Plum, Candace Parker, and Sue Bird. That’s triple the amount of NBA players in the commercials (shout-out to Basketball Jesus). Kelsey Plum is hot. If I wasn’t in love with a collegiate basketball player eight years ago, I would have no clue about what a savage Kelsey Plum is on the basketball court. She lowkey married someone more attractive than her. Darren Waller is that guy, pal. I guess it’s too bad that he got traded because evidently, Kelsey plays for the Las Vegas WNBA team. Kelsey might be the second-most attractive WNBA player behind Skylar Diggins.

Candace Parker, on the other hand, did not choose someone more attractive than her. Shelden Williams is an ogre of a man, but he is 6’-8” so I think that makes him three inches taller than Candace. That’s about a quarter of the height disparity that Kelsey’s living with. Candace is pretty hot when she has a lot of clothes on but her body is a little too masculine.

Sue Bird is one of those WNBAers who you’re disappointed to hear is, indeed, a lesbo. You were hoping against hope that she liked penis and when you found out that she’s like 90% of the other professional women's basketball players, you’re like, “Really?! Goddamnit!” Sue Bird is attractive… but she’s a lesbian.

What happened in the Suns-Clippers game?! Basically, Kawhi happened. Then Westbroke happened and the Suns pulled away. Kawhi is doing that thing that made me fall in love with him as a basketball player. That thing where he dominates a game and plays like the best player in the world. The player that inspired me to bet the “over” on the Raptors’ season win total that year, and watch most of their games. Kawhi is back. I saw him bend down on defense into an athletic stance with the easy grace he had when he was on the Spurs. He’s doing that thing where he gets the ball and it becomes immediately clear that he has the ball and no one will poke it away from him. He’s lowkey shutting down Kevin Fucking Durant. In the first quarter, he stripped him, then let Kevin run with him dribbling down the court before shoulder-bumping Kevin into the baseline and dunking the ball. When that happened, I was happy to have lost my Suns’ pick. I love that man. Kawhi inspires me with the way he plays basketball. When he’s not bumping professional athletes into the shadow realm, he’s swishing threes off the dribble. Sorry Torrey Craig, that’s the Klaw bruh. No one can deal with the Klaw. Klaw even has moments of passing that the Revenge Spurs had. Those three extra passes in a possession that crush the defense’s will. The extra movement that makes a defense tired. I’m thinking of some passes between Klaw and Terrance Mann. I think that possession concluded with a Mann three-pointer. Terrance Mann is good! Not as good as I thought he was after that forty-point game against the Jazz, but he makes shots and he’s strong and athletic. Really good player!

Early in the game, Eric Gordon was bombing deep threes. Somehow Eric is a better shooter from thirty feet than twenty-four. Thank you Eric for helping my man out. I appreciate it. I’d really appreciate it if Eric could help Kawhi beat the Suns because I want more games with Kawhi Leonard playing.

I said Westbroke happened. It was appalling. The Clippers’ coach needed to pull Westbroke out of the game… and he didn’t do that. Early in the game, Westbroke made a couple of threes and was making good assists, but my goodness was he an overwhelming pile of dogshit in the fourth quarter! Inside three minutes in the ultimate quarter, Westbroke had consecutive turnovers which I appreciated as someone who picked the Suns to cover 7.5. He also missed a dunk. He missed a dunk! Westbroke was the kind of dogshit you smell and think to yourself, “Umm, if I have to handle excrement like that for twelve years, I’m not getting a dog!” He was so freaking awful. Westbroke probably saw that photo of him screaming on the ground and really liked it, because he’s trying to recreate that picture on some of these falls he takes after offensive rebounds. You watch Westbroke in this game, and it becomes crystal fucking clear why he’s never made it out of the first round. God help Klaw.

Bones Hyland was making shots! Before the fourth quarter, he was dramatically outplaying Chris Paul. Bones has the juice in his legs to make threes. I appreciate watching how Bones plays with Mason Plumlee. They obviously hate each other but they at least keep it professional on the court. It’s not like they refuse to pass to each other, but they absolutely refuse to high-five each other or do any kind of physical endearment. Totally unlike French Rejection and Kyle Anderson. French Rejection makes a big deal about high-fiving Slo-Mo. It’s obviously disingenuous. The way that French Rejection puts his hands on his hips is extremely upsetting. It’s not the feminine way that Andrew Wiggins does. It just makes me understand why everyone on his team loathes him besides Mike Conley. French Rejection is an obvious hypocrite who forgives himself for losing the basketball when defenders poke at it, but condemns teammates for not passing him the basketball. Shout out to Tim Connely for riding out the dumb luck of drafting Lord Voldemort and turning that into keeping the Timberwolves franchise in purgatory.

Back to the Clippers. Bones Hyland and Mason Plumlee were good! Plumlee was making free throws. If you don’t know what Mason Plumlee shooting free throws looks like, you’re a better person.

Bones Hyland was absolutely better than Chris Paul before the fourth quarter. CP3 made some of those stupid midrange fadeaways in the fourth, but his legs are gone. He’s very old. He doesn’t have the strength in his legs to shoot three-pointers. It happens. I didn’t know just how washed Chris Paul was before watching this game but it’s very obvious. The Suns have a math problem with Chris Paul playing like a mummy. They have two players who score, a washed-up lilliputian who can’t stay in front of Bones Hyland, and that have bitch-made DeAndre Ayton who is too concerned with looking pretty to bother getting tough rebounds, or moving toward the rim when he shoots. Ayton isn’t on the level of hate that The Quitter engenders, but he’s solidly ensconced in the level below that. Ayton was making a lot of fifteen-foot shots that Plumlee refused to contest. Smart defense from Plumlee. “Hey, DeAndre, please take as many of those shots as you want. Please don’t pass the ball to Booker or Kevin Fucking Durant.” DeAndre Ayton is the epitome of a seven-foot person playing basketball despite not loving it. People that love the game and have his physical characteristics, shoot free throws. They try to shoot layups (or even dunks)!

I haven’t mentioned Torrey Craig! Thank you Torrey for absolutely saving my Suns pick and a 3-0 day! He was making threes during the part of the game that Chris Paul was too scared to shoot. No freaking way that’s happening again. I like not looking at the box score of games I watch, but I would guess that Torrey made five threes. Such a fluke.

Devin Booker wears cool shoes. They’re too low (and probably too hard to find) for me to wear but those are cool shoes. I’m extremely jealous of how handsome Devin Booker is but I’m not jealous of how he doesn’t make three-pointers. Those left-hand finishes he does around the rim are very attractive though. The midrange stop-and-pops he does, feel automatic. That two-hand dunk that Booker had after stealing the ball from Zubac was very athletic. Devin Booker is a really good basketball player. In the first twenty minutes of this game, it seemed like he was going to lead an absolute meltdown like last year against Lord Luka and Los Mavericks. So good for Devin that last year’s meltdown didn’t happen last night. Who is going to shit the bed harder, Chris Paul or Westbroke?

GRIZZLIES 🐻(pick ‘em) over Lakers ⭐️-

Chris Brown is addicted to beating up women. Vivek Ranadive is addicted to Joe Lacob’s dick. Taylor Swift is addicted to using real-life breakups to inspire her songwriting. I’m addicted to picking the Grizzlies against the spread in the playoffs for their first game after Ja gets injured. I get turned on by looking at Tyus Jones’ box scores for the games Ja misses. Nine assists, one turnover, 2 three-pointers made, and fifty percent shooting from the field. Ok, I need to stop. I’m watching this game.

NUGGETS ⛏(-8.5) over TimberPups 🐺-

I don’t buy how these Nuggets’ lines are lower than the lines for the Celtics-Hawks or Sixers-Nets. Karl Towns is married to Jordyn Woods because he’s a retard. Retards can’t cover against Lord Voldemort.

FUCKS 🦌(-6.5) over Heat 🔥-

In doing “research” for what the hell these written things are, I looked at last year’s emails. I guess I call them the Fucks because they play like “retarded macaques”. I know that Greek God is OUT. I just think that the Heat suck (besides Jimmy Butler of course), and I hate them. I’m not above hating a team and refusing to pick them.

P.O.G. (Prophet Of God)

Record: 12-4

🎶Oh man, oh man

Not again

Yeah, I learned the game from William Wesley, you can never check me

Back to back for the niggas that didn't get the message

Back to back like I'm on the cover of Lethal Weapon

Back to back like I'm Jordan '96, '97, whoa

Very important and very pretentious

When I look back, I might be mad that I gave this attention

Yeah, but it's weighin' heavy on my conscience

Yeah, and fuck, you left the boy no options 🎶

That’s right! The P.O.G. went BACK TO BACK 3-0! I’m hotter than the devil’s dick right now! Why do they call this gambling because I’m STEALING MONEY (gambling is for the rich to have fun and lose money, I just make the picks bruh)! I’m the goddamn P.O.G. You come at the P.O.G., you best not miss! I am the one who knocks!

Seriously though, this is not going to end well. The days of 0-3 are coming, and when they come I’m going to feel lost. But not today bitch! Today I can tell you the future! Today, I can look in the mirror and say to myself, “You’re the motherfucking P.O.G. You are the danger! You were born in the dark, molded by it. You didn’t see the light until you were a man, by then it was nothing to you but blinding!” LET’S FREAKING GOOOOOOO!!!!!!

There’s something very obvious about the Memphis crowd. Do you know what it is? It’s not that there is a dearth of attractive women. It’s not that the guys look like smarmy hucksters. It’s not that people wear red pants, although the guy sitting courtside wearing those was high key debonair. If you wear red pants, you wear dark red pants like that dude. No, the obvious thing about the Memphis crowd is that there are a lot of Blacks. Good for Memphis. Most NBA arenas don’t fill up the lower bowl with members of The Community like Memphis does.

Is it me or are the camera people not having as many crowd shots? Maybe it’s a first-round thing but I feel like there were a lot more crowd shots in last year’s playoffs. Maybe the camera people couldn’t find any attractive people to get close-ups on. I certainly couldn’t find any. At the end of the game, they had a half-second close-up of this woman in a glittery, silver, sleeveless shirt. It wasn’t form-fitting, but she might have been hot. Might. I guess if you’re attractive and grow up in Memphis, you move. Or eat too much barbecue and get fat. Oh well.

There was a shot of the Mississippi River and the town of Memphis. Very picturesque. Memphis seems like a scenic town. Too bad about all the gunplay. And the rampant obesity.

Speaking of obesity, TNT has a male (!!!) sideline reporter named Jared Greenburg. He used to not be a pile of dough who hides the fat under his chin with a goatee. That was before the CoCo. The second that started, dear Jared gained forty pounds, and unlike the owner of my local laundromat, he hasn’t lost it. When the executives of Turner talked to him about how he’s become a hideous hamster, he probably cited “mental health”. Probably documented therapy sessions. Now the executives can’t “reassign” their rodent reporter and hire an attractive woman. Just awful. Jared belongs in Canada where everyone has that obsequious smile and thinks of the CoCo as an excuse to get fat.

What kind of person watches Dwyane Wade’s CBS show? Gotta be fat. That’s obvious. Probably someone who lives east of the Mississippi River, although there must be some beleaguered people in Texas who have zero personality that tune in to The Cube. It seems far-fetched that someone would watch that program if the weather outside wasn’t disgustingly humid. Shout out to Dwyane Wade for taking a break from Gabrielle Union and immediately getting someone else pregnant. That’s charismatic. No wonder television people have given him a terrible cable show. And shout out to Gabby Union for obviously being Dwyane’s Love-Slave. Her love for him is the stuff Disney movies are made of.

I don’t remember the Amazon commercial where there seems to be a board meeting of animals fitted with collars that allow them to speak English. That’s the best commercial (I say that as someone who watches these games muted). I think they have four animals in that meeting. A poodle, an ostrich, and some kind of llama. I forget the fourth and I’m not even sure about the llama. The coolest four animals that I can think of to include in an Important Business Meeting (IBM) would be an Orangutan, a Red Panda, a Black Leopard (to keep everyone on edge), and some kind of screeching raptor. Probably a Harpy Eagle, but I’m amenable to a Golden Eagle. Something to punctuate a really smart thing that someone said. Kevin Durant can say something bold and the Harpy Eagle can screech afterward. That would be a major-league goosebumps moment. In addition to keeping everyone alert and a little bit worried for their life, the Black Leopard would also ensure that Jayson Tatum doesn’t bring Deuce to work with him. I’m the boss in this hypothetical office and there’s no “Take Your Kid To Work” day. I insist that Jayson hires a Hispanic nanny who doesn’t speak English. Deuce is better off learning Spanish than distracting Jayson from being a serious basketball player. The Red Panda would just be something to look at. It wouldn’t be given any kind of serious responsibility or authority. Unlike the Orangutan. The Orangutan would be given serious clout to make decisions. Probably more than Jayson Tatum.

That Lakers-Grizzlies game was so goddamn boring. Warriors-Queens, this was not. The Grizzlies won because of this guy named Xavier Tillman. In the time it took for you to read that last sentence, Xavier Tillman had another child. Now he has five children. He looks forty but I think he’s twenty-four. The second he set foot on the campus of Michigan State, his wife gave birth. Before he was drafted, I think he had three kids. Shout out to Xavier. He’s the only guy in the NBA who routinely finishes ally-oops by laying the ball in the basket instead of dunking it. It’s jarring to watch him do that with Frida Kahlo and LeBron Blames playing defense. Xavier also made a wide-open three. As someone who secretly operates another person’s high-stakes fantasy basketball team, I now understand why Taylor Jenkins played Xavier over Brandon Clarke all season. Xavier made a three! He outplayed Frida Kahlo! I have no clue how Xavier manages to get so open on these ally-oop layups but he does! When Xavier has Dennis Schroder guarding him near the rim, Xavier takes two strong dribbles towards the basket, pump-fakes, then finishes a lefty half-hook over Dennis (or whichever smaller player finds himself switched on him). Xavier has a family of seven to feed and he’ll be damned if someone fifty pounds lighter than him is going to prevent him from getting a second contract.

Remember how I get sexually excited by Tyus Jones’ box scores when Ja Morant doesn’t play? Well, I don’t get that way by watching him actually play. Tyus is a boring basketball player. He doesn’t dunk, and he doesn’t really shake defenders with dribble penetration. One time he absolutely mind-fucked the Lakers’ defense with a fake dribble-handoff that ended with an open layup though. Tyus was awesome. Last year, there was a moment when I was convinced that he was better than Jalen Brunson. I’ve since seen reason, but I still love me some Tyus Jones. To bet on, not to watch.

Surely, you’re asking yourself, “How did the Grizzlies manage to score?” Well, there was some Dillon Brooks stuff. His shot is gross but I have a bizarre confidence that he’s a good midrange shooter, and after “warming up” with a few middy-makes, Dillon canned a couple of threes. There’s zero chance that he is going to make two threes in Los Angeles, but good for him that he made some in Memphis. The Grizzlies are starving for outside shooting because every shot that Desmond Bane takes, gets blocked by LeBron Blames or Frida Kahlo. Desmond Bane is the male Ashley Graham. Did you know that Ashley married a Black? Smart. White chicks who don’t marry Blacks, are lowkey screwing up in life. The world needs more Jason Kidds (who don’t have a predisposition for spousal abuse and ruining talented NBA teams with their coaching).

Desmond Bane was bad. Having all of your layups get blocked will do that. He did have a crossover on DLo that made DLo do a 360, but Desmond missed the three-pointer. Desmond isn’t as stark of a “regular season only” player as DLo, but Desmond isn’t a 16-game player.

The Grizzlies have this strange basketball player named John Konchar. He has cool tattoos, doesn’t make threes, gets steals, and somehow managed to block Frida Kahlo at the rim when Frida had a strong two-foot takeoff and a six-inch height advantage over Konchar. If John Konchar were an animal, he’d be a Duckbill Platypus. I just looked this up, but I guess his grandpa is Serbian. That explains why the fuck he’s on an NBA court.

Speaking of Frida Kahlo, he had an absurd block of JJJ in the first quarter where Frida bit on a pump-fake, but still managed to block JJJ on the second jump. Frida Kahlo is of course frighteningly ugly, but also a frightening physical specimen. It’s so strange how his jaw is made of the most fragile glass on Earth. Since I guess, we’re comparing basketball players to animals today, I’d say that Frida Kahlo would be a Giant Squid. One of those deep sea creatures that aren’t meant for life amongst the normies of Earth.

Jarred Vanderbilt wasn’t really good. Definitely not as much of a difference-maker as he was for the Timberwolves last year. I only bring him up because if I could have one NBA player’s body, it would be Jarred Vanderbilt. I refuse to believe that Jarred isn’t a Sex God.

DLo is worse than Westbroke. That tattoo he has of NOW o’clock doesn’t belong on him. DLo has been in the NBA for however long and he hasn’t done this thing called “weightlifting”. “Weightlifting” is this thing that can help you become stronger and faster. Something that DLo can’t be bothered with doing. Besides not being physically capable of holding his ground for sliding his feet laterally with any agility, DLo will leave the best shooter on the other team (Luke Kennard in this case) open in the corner for an open three. I’m pretty sure that Kennard led the league in three-point percentage. DLo probably forgot that after Darvin Ham read him the scouting report on Kennard. DLo can’t read so Darvin has to read all the scouting reports to him. In addition to leaving the great shooters open, DLo also turns the ball over, commits shooting fouls on defense, and misses most of the shots he takes (he takes a lot of shots). I’m so curious about who is going to sign DLo because he’s “bad vibes” and shouldn’t be on an NBA team.

LeBron Blames is geriatric, and he’s still running people down and blocking their shots. Now, I know that a couple of his blocks were of Ashley Graham, but still. He’s incredible. Shout out to the LeBron Blames of Feet for getting that man to the playoffs. I’m still waiting for LeBron and Serena (or Venus) Williams to artificially inseminate a child.

This game was so goddamn boring. I would’ve been happier watching the Nuggys and Lord Voldemort.

Oh, one more thing. Darvin Ham’s New Balance shoes are too much (™). Coaches should wear shoes that aren’t obviously from a specific brand. Shoes like what Canary Kerr wears. Definitely not Mike Brown’s vans, but those are better than the five shades of green New Balances that Darvin wears. I thought Darvin Ham was Devean George for the majority of the year, but I’ve seen the light. Hopefully, Darvin can see the light in his sartorial choices.

NETS 🏀(+4.5) over Sixers 🔔-

Sorry, but I’m compelled to take the home team in game 3 when they’re down 0-2. I don’t like this but my record gives me permission to do the smart thing.

Queens 👸🏾(+5.5) over WARRIORS ⚡️-

I understand that this game goes against what I just said but I’m fucking done taking these Warriors. You don’t understand what a retard I felt like for picking the Warriors in game 2. It was really awful. In nature, old animals die suddenly. Without warning and before everyone is ready. These Warriors are old animals and this sport is the wild. My record gives me permission to make picks like this. Avoiding taking sides that would make me feel like a retard if they didn’t cover. I’m definitely watching this game. I’m also wearing my official Queens shorts from the early 2000s (like I have every day this week).

CLIPPERS ⛵️(+2.5) over Suns ☀️-

This is sucker logic but I just watched game 2 of this series and it just seems too hard for the Suns to score. I think Chris Paul is washed up and even before he was washed up, he usually screwed up in the playoffs. I’ll never forget where I was when he made that one shot against the Spurs. That was one of the rare moments where CP3 played a significant part in getting out of the first round. I know I’ve won six games in a row against the spread picking favorites and taking three underdogs today doesn’t fill me with happiness, but you know me. I’m the P.O.G.

P.O.G. (Prophet Of God)

Record: 12-7

Alright, I’ve taken enough Xanax to wake up this morning. Not as much as that woman sitting courtside in San Francisco, but enough to write this after dying a slow, painful, predictable death. Seriously, that white woman was smiling for the whole game in a way that had to be drug-induced. The people who sit courtside for these Warrior games are awful. That one Asian lady in the heels was alright. She at least made some arm movements when the Warriors did good. The rest of the bunch were too rich to give a shit about something that wasn’t them. Those people are the stereotypes that the proletariat denigrates when rich fans are brought up. The people who are too smart to lose their voice screaming after Basketball Jesus decides to go super-saiyan. The courtsiders in San Francisco can’t be bothered to act crazy, and they can’t be bothered to make it back to their seats after halftime any sooner than six minutes into the third quarter. There are super-secret bathrooms that they have to snort lines off of. The staff at Chase Center has to hold them for a period of time to make sure that they don’t OD or start having nosebleeds while they’re sitting courtside. It’s a whole process that takes about twenty minutes. The actual snorting only takes about three minutes. Safety first. When one of the rich-rich gets too much snow in their nose and starts seizing, Chase Center has humanoid robots to take their seats while the real ticket-buyer is discreetly shuttled to the clandestine emergency room that you can only go to if you have ten million dollars in your Chase checking account. It’s all planned.

Here is a list of things that I feel like after throwing up all over myself on an 0-3 day picking games. A real nincompoop. A newly blind person who lives in a noisy big city and hasn’t developed that super-sense hearing that allows me to navigate the world by hearing vibrations. Someone who lived their whole life as a normie and just happened to lose their vision and develop cataracts after accidentally staring directly into a welding flame. Not a Stevie Wonder who’s lived with blindness for thirty years and owns a miniature model of the city they live in so that they can memorize where everything is by running their hands through the scaled sculptures.

One of those strapped teenagers from the ghetto who ride through Hollywood waiting for some rapper or basketball player to post a story on social media advertising where they are in the Hollywood Hills and how much gold they’re currently wearing on their wrist. Basically, like Tay-K.

Someone who is about to get in a car accident and is spending the moments leading up to the wreck in super slow motion. Except, that feeling is prolonged for hours.

Someone who is enjoying a lovely safari in Africa seeing all the beautiful animals that could kill me in a quarter of a second, but took a wrong turn in Zimbabwe and now I’m just waiting for three hyenas to crush the bones in all my extremities while I’m eaten alive. Death by hyena, the fate that most zebras end their life by.

Playing a basketball game where you get a big lead that feels precarious. Then the opponent makes a three, your teammate smokes an easy layup, your opponent makes another three. Now you’re up seven and your team is at game point. Your team turns it over. The opponent makes another three, and know your belief in yourself and your team has evaporated. Up four. Another smoked layup. Another three. Now you want to lose and never see these teammates again. Turnover. Fast break layup. Game over. Now you need to go to the toilet and throw up.

Getting involved in a high-speed car chase with the law. Initially, you feel like you can outrun one Police Cruiser but after thirty seconds, there are ten more police cars and some of them are unmarked Teslas on a full charge. Now you’re fucked and you know it. Pretty soon there’s going to be a couple of helicopters flying above you and if you don’t pull the fuck over, there’s going to be some chain guns that tear apart your vehicle (and your brain). Shit feels bleak.

OK now! I quit that QUEENS-Warriors game with six minutes left in the third quarter because the QUEENS refused to make shots all game. Three QUEENS players showed up to game three. The Kindergartner, Saboner (kind of), and Black Falcon. The Kindergartner is good! I love watching him walk up to Basketball Jesus for fullcourt defense after he dusts Basketball Jesus for a layup. And The Kindergartner likes to pass the ball, unlike Marcus Smart (most of the time). I was wrong about every pick I made yesterday, but I was right about declaring The Kindergartner as a more responsible Marcus Smart. He’s good! I’m happy the Queens have him. When he slides laterally, The Kindergartner seems to be moving at a pace that most players run at.

Saboner plays a different game than everyone else in the NBA. The Warriors refused to guard him on the perimeter and guess what? Saboner couldn’t score! He can’t dribble so cooking Looney Tunes for a layup is out of the question. Saboner loses the ball sometimes and when he does, it feels backbreaking. Those turnovers feel like they always lead to layups. By the way, Looney Tunes was doing that thing where he gets every rebound because some dude from Serbia taught him how to predict where the ball is going after hitting the rim. There were some rebounds that Looney Tunes got with three Queens around him. Incredible stuff from Looney Tunes. Saboner sucks. God forbid he make (or take) a three, get a steal on defense, or block a single shot. That dribble-handoff nonsense he insists on doing feels impotent. Can’t dribble, can’t shoot, can’t fuck. That’s Saboner! I must say, he made three shot before I quit watching the game, and that was infinity times more than De’Aaron Fox so it wasn’t all bad.

Black Falcon is playing inspired basketball while the rest of the roster is mentally collapsing from the responsibility of closing out a series that they lead 2-0. Black Falcon won’t make a three but he’s dunking and going to the rim. Two things Saboner can’t do.

Hurt Locker missed ten shots in the first half. That’s not ideal. The only shots he can make are fastbreak dunks that Jordan Poole gifts him by turning the ball over. Terrance Davis needs to play over Hurt Locker. Terrance Davis beats up women but he isn’t afraid to make a three in a road playoff game. Since the Queens aren’t making themselves the “White NBA Team” (they chose not to be when they drafted Fagley over Lord Luka), they should be “Team Domestic Violence” and sign Miles Bridges. I think the Hornets would be down to work something out if the Queens sent over Keegan Murray. Hell, the Queens could package Saboner with Keegan and get back Mark Williams.

Malik Monk needs to get back on the crystal blue and take more shots. He’s blowing by every Warriors defender (unlike De’Aaron) and making layups. Is De’Aaron Fox going to be on an All-NBA team? He can’t make free throws, and can’t finish a layup unless it’s on a fast break. He wasn’t as hot of garbage as Hurt Locker but Jesus Christ De’Aaron was dogshit. Fuck the Queens. They’re going to choke away this series.

Spencer DinDummy smoked a free throw in the last minute of the game so that game didn’t cover. Last year DinDummy couldn’t help Lord Luka when things got difficult in the conference finals and now he won’t let the Nets cover a single game against the Sixers. I’ll never forget how DinDummy held up his hands when Lord Luka had the ball. DinDummy missed every three, but that didn’t prevent him from expectantly holding up his arms to show that if he got the ball he was going to actually make a wide-open three. I’m so happy that DinDummy lost tens of millions of dollars investing in cryptocurrency. DinDummy is one of those people who needs to feel smarter than you. It’s repulsive and I’m glad someone used that propensity of his to swindle him out of millions of dollars.

Klaw was declared OUT and the line went from 2.5 to 8. Obviously, I lost that because I took 2.5. I’ll always love Klaw but this is some janky mess that he’s pulling with the Clippers. Paul George and him are really screwing Steve Balmer which is fine, but as a fan of Klaw and Pandemic P, it just sucks.

By the way, favorites have covered nine straight games. The Grizzlies-Lakers game ended at Grizz -1, so I’m including them as a favorite.

Celtics 🍀(-5) over HAWKS 🐥

Cavs 🤺(-1.5) over KNICKS 🏀

-I’ll watch this but if it’s gross, I’m going to quit it. It would be cool if Evan Garnett doesn’t fuck me in this spot.

Nuggets ⛏(-2.5) over TIMBERPUPS 🐺

Record: 13-9

Good news and bad news. Bad news is that I’m dying a slow death picking games against the spread. I’m like a well-intentioned Amazon tourist who is ignorant of the landscape and currently has two feet cemented in quicksand. The poison frogs are starting to ribbit and the end is near. Picking every single one of these games makes me feel like a child who has been ordered to eat nothing but ice cream for a week as punishment for not eating vegetables or whatever. Death by chocolate. This is really unpleasant and I hate how my brain is chemically addicted to thinking that picking games against the spread is fun. No matter how violently I shit my pants, I’m going to forget it and think, “You know what? Evan Garnett is really good! I’m taking the Cavaliers as road favorites against the Knicks!” It’s pathetic and I’m a junkie. If I had Uncle Jeff’s checking account, I would blow it gambling on sports. No amount of currency could outpace the reckless abandon of my playoff basketball gambling appetite. So shout out to me for being a sick monkey with all this.

The good news is that my doctor is chill and doesn’t ask too many questions when I say I have a sore throat. Xanax yesterday, double cup today. The top 10 get-high prognosticators, number 1 is my rank. You say no to drugs, P.O.G. can’t. A zip and a double cup, I’m getting high as fuck. Just like how agriculture farmers rotate crops so that the soil doesn’t deplete itself of minerals (or whatever happens, I’m not well-versed in that), I rotate the hard drugs that I abuse so that you can’t say I’m an addict to any one of them. Could anyone really be addicted to dirty sprite if they only have it once a week? I’m not a doctor but I have a computer and I don’t think so.

And really, anyone that watched that Knicks-Cavs game on the television deserved to enjoy a double cup with Justin Bieber and Lil’ Wayne afterward. I told you that was going to be a disgusting game of professional basketball and it was, courtesy of all the little kids that play on the red team. Seriously, if I see any kind of puff piece about how Jarrett “Gerald” Allen is some kind of educated Renaissance man, I’m going to permanently discount the writer as incredible. Gerald needs to add twenty pounds of muscle. Mitchell Robinson and Isaiah Hartenstein move him like a Junior Varsity player. When Gerald missed those two free throws a minute before the conclusion of the third quarter, I pulled the plug on this game. He missed a couple of free throws at the beginning of this game as well. The whole Cavs team missed pretty much every kind of shot. 79 points in the game, ~39 at halftime. Gross, unprofessional basketball from the team in red. I’ll try to finish the details of how each Cavalier shit their pants before moving to the next Clevelander. When Gerald isn’t missing free throws, he’s giving up offensive rebounds. On offense, all he can do is dunk. How some team decided to sign him to big money is beyond my comprehension. He’s not as bad as French Rejection, but Gerald is pretty fucking awful in the playoffs. He gets in the way on offense and doesn’t block threes on defense like Mitchell Robinson does.

Do you know which player on the Cavs got their three-point shot routinely blocked by Mitchell Robinson? That would be Darius Garland. If Davion Mitchell is The Kindergartener, Darius Garland is The Preschooler. He’s a good shooter but in New York, he can’t get his shot off cleanly because he’s a Hobbit. Actually, that’s his nickname. “Sam”. Donovan Mitchell can be “Frodo”. Frodo had his mom in attendance for this game and while it wasn’t as deliciously embarrassing at Tiger Woods’ mom getting a front-row seat to see her son declare to the world that he was a SEX ADDICT, this shitshow that Frodo had his mother attend was pretty embarrassing for the whole family. Shout out to Eldrick Woods, a world-class SEX ADDICT.

Caris LeVert is “Gollum”. He or whoever the Cavs decide is their guy whose job it is to miss wide-open threes that the Knicks’ defense dares them to take. Isaac Okoro, Cedi Osman, whoever. Why was Isaac Okoro the fifth pick in a draft? What does he do well on the basketball court, besides wearing sick Bruce Lee Kobe shoes? I don’t know, and his haircut is dumb.

Since I guess today we’re illustrating the impotence of the Cavaliers with Lord Of The Rings comparisons, Gerald is Wormtongue, and Evan Garnett is Theoden. Gerald is corrupting Theoden with his presence and only when Gerald is killed can Theoden become the strong king of Rohan.

This Cavs situation with Wormtongue and Theoden is kind of like the Sixers with The Quitter and Embiid. Why do these people in charge of professional basketball teams take so long to understand what works on the court and what needs to happen so that the teams can get better? It’s flabbergasting. The Warriors did this with Money Green and Handsome Squidward. It happens all over the place.

Maybe Dan Gilbert’s Down Syndrome kid can be the one that says the Emporer has no clothes and Gerald need to bounce.

With the Knicks, they were alright. They were at least professional. They scored 99 points. Their opposition scored 79 against a defense that had four players in the paint and dared the Cavs to make open threes. The Cavs didn’t.

Rowan Barret made shots, and as someone who is quite familiar with the box scores that Rowan puts up, that is surprising. It’s nice that he is capable of one good game. Rowan is a genius marketer and is still riding Zion’s coattails from that time playing together at Duke, but now the Knicks can at least point to this game when they get to their senses and try to trade that fraudulent Canadian.

Mitchell Robinson misses free throws but I don’t care because he blocks shots all over the court and is a grown man with rebounding (unlike Gerald). I don’t love Mitchell Robinson as my ghetto lovechild Robert Williams III, but I don’t despise Mitchell. He’s my stepson that I married into. In my house, you earn my love by blocking shots, three-pointers especially. Mitchell and I have fun playing catch and we keep it light-hearted. When I see Mitchell fucking up his life, I leave it to his mother to steer him in the right direction. I’m just in Mitchell’s life to have fun and occasionally tell him obvious things like avoiding walking on the shores of Long Beach without shoes. With my ghetto lovechild Robert, I’m putting my life on the line to protect him. With Mitchell, I’d need his mother around in order for those kinds of risks to be taken.

Jalen Brunson is the ugliest player in the NBA but he’s unguardable. He does the Lord Luka thing where he stops and starts so much that it’s impossible to guard. I take pity on defenders whenever Jalen does that pump-fake and pivot thing. Jalen is really good and we all just have to accept it. Better than Sam, that’s for sure. Jalen has those trapezius muscles that illustrate why he doesn’t get pushed around on defense the Sam and Frodo.

Quentin Grimes looks like he’s from New York City. Bad skin like that always makes me think you’re from a polluted big city.

There were a lot of hot chicks in the crowd. There were also a lot of gross white guys in their late fifties. One of them wore a Knicks jersey without an undershirt which in itself was commendable, but the state of his arms made that specific incident hideous to look at. New York isn’t on the level of Phoenix. Maybe it’s better than the Laker crowd. Top 5 maybe.

I’m a big fan of what Julius Randle is doing with his life. Mixed kids, house in Manhattan Beach, super shredded. He dunks the basketball which I appreciate. The arc and spin of his three-point shot is janky but sometimes it goes in. Julius Randle is cool. Knicks fans should appreciate having him, Brunson, and Mitchell. Josh Hart too. He’s a man. Unlike Frodo and Sam. Josh Hart absolutely abuses Isaac Okoro. The disparity between their physical strength should mortify Isaac, but Isaac probably doesn’t care. Someone with his dumb haircut probably doesn’t comprehend how badly he’s getting shown up on the big stage of the playoffs by Josh Hart. Did you notice how Josh Hart and Jalen Brunson wear the same shoes?! Good for them! That’s cute!

Tom Thibedoux should shave his head, and definitely get rid of that goatee. He would look like a psych patient, but that’s better than whatever the fuck he’s trying to accomplish with his current look.

This game was atrocious and I’m not watching another Cavs-Knicks game.

NETS 🏀 (+1.5) over Sixers 🔔

-Fuck Spencer DinDummy

Suns ☀️(-7.5) over CLIPPERS ⛵️

-I hate this pick but when I play “Count The Points” with the Clippers, I feel irresponsible penciling in 35 from Stormin’ Norman.

Fucks 🦌(-5) over HEAT 🔥

-Is Silvana Mojica going to be sitting courtside at this game?!?!?!

LAKERS ⭐️(-4) over Grizzlies 🐻

-I don’t want to watch this game.

Cavs 🤺(+2.5) over KNICKS 🏀

-I have a small death wish. Some would say a sadist. Not anything that I’ll act on, but I kind of enjoy pain so I’m going to put Theoden in a position to disappoint me again.

WARRIORS ⚡️(-7.5) over Queens 👸🏾

-I’m so awful picking these games. I’m definitely watching this game. It might be the only one I watch all weekend. Kuminga’s nickname used to be “Our Congolese Prince”, but after he almost eviscerated Saboner at the rim last game, his new nickname is “Predator”.

Celtics 🍀(-6) over HAWKS 🐥

-Whatever bro.

Nuggets ⛏(-3.5) over TIMBERPUPS 🐺

-I’m excited to watch my man MPJ and Lord Voldemort in the conference semifinals.

Record: 16-14 (FUCK)

🎶 All this liquor fuckin' up my liver

All this money fuckin' up my niggas

All these bitches fuckin' up my main squeeze

Main squeeze hear this shit, she gon' hate me

Attitude how it is 'cause I don't give a fuck

Yea, I know I ain't right but I don't give a fuck

I know we ain't the same 'cause I think different

Who the one to blame? This drink, nigga! 🎶

I be on bullshit with these picks. Remember when my record was 12-4 and I was the P.O.G. ? Me neither. All I remember is picking Theoden, Frodo, Sam, Wormtongue, and Gollum to cover on the road in New York and saying beforehand that I want them to lose because, at this point, I like how it burns when Theoden lets me down in the playoffs. At this point, Theoden needs to take a hint from LeBron Blames and tell Dan Gilbert’s autistic son to tell dad to trade Wormtongue to the Spurs. Really, Wormtongue should be playing in Puerto Rico with Demarcus Cousins. I know that I said I wouldn’t watch any more Knicks-Cavs. That was a well-intentioned fib. Game 4 was in the fourth quarter and it was close so I tuned in. Shout out to streameast.io.

Does Wormtongue like to get cuckolded? More specifically, does he like to get tied up while he watches? Is that why his arms look like a high schooler’s? God forbid he makes himself strong. He might break free from the ties if he gets arms like a man. The Cavs were down eight (or something) and they gave Wormtongue the ball near the basket. He made an adorable shot, but the whole thing felt labored. It’s a chore to pass the ball to Wormtongue. Then it’s another chore for Wormtongue to get a shot off with JOSH HART guarding him. The whole process takes a minimum of fifteen seconds and when there’s five minutes left in the game, that strategy isn’t ideal.

Do you think that the Cavs (and Wormtongue especially) solved the big problem of bleeding offensive rebounds to the Knicks by the fourth game of the series? By the fourth quarter of the fourth game? No. No, they didn’t. Actually, the Cavs’ big people (Wormtongue and Theoden) were still scrawny little boys when game four rolled around. Actually, JOSH HART got a defensive rebound, dribbled all the way down the court, and dunked right in front of Wormtongue, causing the roof of Madison Square Garden to break off of the building and shoot to the moon. Wormtongue can’t get defensive rebounds with my stepson Mitchell Robinson around, can’t make free throws, and can’t get JOSH HART’S cock out of his mouth. They were still too feeble to prevent JOSH HART from getting game-winning offensive rebounds. JOSH HART and “No Stoppin’” Obi Toppin. Tom Thibedoux needs to find Black Baby Jesus and play No Stoppin’ Obi Toppin more, and Julius Randle less.

Jalen Brunson had a nasty step back on Sam (or Frodo, whatever) and did a three-point gang sign that I’ve never seen before. Jalen Brunson can do whatever the fuck he wants. Did he practice that gang sign in the mirror? When the Knicks beat the Fucks in the next round, I’ll be ready to say that Jalen Brunson is better than Carmelo. Maybe swishing stepback threes over Jrue Holiday will be different than Sam and Frodo, but I’m ready. I’m done doubting Jalen Brunson. I’ve been done. Hopefully, there will be lots of commercials with Reptile Mark Cuban during those Knicks-Fucks games. Kids all around the country can ask their dad who that reptile with the dyed black hair, veneers, and fake tan is. Then dads can tell their children how sometimes, idiots get lucky in life. How, in America, idiots can have a few miracles of good fortune and then find themselves owning an NBA team, playing a sharp investor on television, and looking like a plastic man in commercials. I’m praying for my baby boy Lord Luka to escape the clutches of Reptile Mark.

Unfortunately, since I watched a smidge of that Knicks-Cavs game, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening in the Queens-Warriors game. Making shots, passing the ball, and moving around during half-court offense were too different to make sense of. That game was mostly incomprehensible. What was extremely understandable was how nasty that Money Green block of Saboner in the fourth quarter was. I’m pretty sure Money Green called Saboner a “punk-ass bitch” after that, and Money Green wasn’t wrong. Game four was Saboner’s best game but my goodness that block had to be soul-crushing.

Canary Kerr is a really good coach. When his team is out of timeouts, he doesn’t remind Basketball Jesus that he can’t call timeout. Canary Kerr is too busy with superfluous nonsense to remind his players of the basics.

Mark Jones was the play-by-play in that game! I found that out when Josh Tiven ran over to the broadcast table to say that Basketball Jesus called a timeout when the Warriors didn’t have any. It’s a shame that Mark Jones gets to announce the good games. That Canadian Uncle Tom loves saying things that he reads on the Twitter. I don’t know how people watch with the volume on with Uncle Mark.

Was that Vivek’s daughter sitting along the baseline in a camouflage Queens shirt? She must have been bummed out that the Queens lost. De’Aaron doesn’t sleepover at the Big House with her after losses. Vivek draws a hard line with that. Only after wins do the basketball players who he owns get to gangbang his SoundCloud Musician Daughter.

Mike Brown needs to play The Kindergartener more, and Hurt Locker less. Forget every negative word I’ve said about The Kindergartener because he’s actually really good. What he’s doing guarding Basketball Jesus is nothing short of miraculous. Is this the only good first-round series? The first-round needs to be over.

LAKERS ⭐️(-4.5) over Grizzlies 🐻

-Ja is playing so I’m betting against the Grizzlies. Maybe I’ll watch this. Rui Hachimura has a great smile. Unlike LeBron Blames and Frida Kahlo. Lowkey, the Lakers are the ugliest team in the NBA. Them, or the Knicks.

Fucks 🦌 (-6) over HEAT 🔥

-I hate everything about this series.

Record: 17-15

I didn’t watch either of the choke jobs yesterday. Wisely, in the case of Lakers-Grizzlies, and less wisely in the case of the Jimmys-Fucks. Reading “The Impossible Us” was much more entertaining than either of those stupid games.

CELTICS 🍀(-13.5) over Hawks 🐥

-Whatever bro.

NUGGETS ⛏ (-9.5) over Timberpups 🐺

-Kyle Anderson isn’t playing and he’s the Pups’ second-best player.

SUNS ☀️(-12.5) over Clippers ⛵️

-I’m not watching any of these games.

Record: 17-18 (yuck)

I’m not good at this. I’m good at noticing how Jarrett Allen is to Evan Garnett, what Wormtongue is to King Theoden, but I’m not good at predicting the score of playoff games.

GRIZZLIES 🐻(-4) over Lakers ⭐️

-I thought the Nuggets would cover because Kyle Anderson wasn’t playing. Ugh. I’m not watching this Grizzlies team ever again.

Knicks 🏀 (+5.5) over CAVS 🤺

-Obviously, I want to pick the Cavs because they only lose against the spread and if I could pick them on the one time they manage to cover, that would be really neat. However, Wormtongue is still twenty pounds underweight. Wormtongue is still my stepson’s (and Isaiah Hartenstein’s) Prison Bitch. Theoden too. When the Knicks win this game, I’m going to bear hug my stepson and make him feel like his real dad isn’t at the beginning of a forty-year sentence in a Supermax Penitentiary. After the game, we’ll go to my stepson’s favorite fast-food place (Popeye’s) and laugh at what a poser Frodo is.

FUCKS 🦌(-11.5) over Heat 🔥

-I’m not watching this game but I’ll watch game 6. Silvana Mojica Watch will be initiated.

QUEENS 👸🏾(+1.5) over Warriors ⚡️

-Of course I’m watching this game! Please fade me with this pick.

Record: 19-20 (goddamnit)

Man, there was a moment when it looked like 4-0 was a possibility. When the Queens were beating the Warriors in the first half and the Fucks hadn’t piddled away their season. I was getting ready to quote that Joel Esposito song about being the best around and how nobody can hold me down. Oops. Turns out that Greek God missing thirteen free throws, and the Warriors making lots of threes are more than enough to keep me down bad in the trenches.

“Mitchell, I’m so proud of you. Now I know that your team isn’t done but this is a moment that deserves to be celebrated. Let’s go to Popeye’s!”

“Alright, Mr. Carson!”

It’s just me and Mitchell at Popeye’s. His mother wants us to have a special stepdad-stepson bonding moment. She ubered home from the arena so that it could be just the two of us.

“I’m getting a spicy chicken sandwich, Mitchell. What about you? Whatever you want.”

“OK! I’ll get an 8-piece chicken box and two sides of mac and cheese!”

“Fuck yeah (I curse around Mitchell), you deserve it. Do you think Wormtongue is having a Beyond Burger at Carl’s Jr right now?”

“You’re so funny Mr. Carson. Probably. If his jaw isn’t too hurt. There was a rebound where I accidentally smashed his mandible with my left forearm. No foul call, just an unintentional hit.”

“Yeah, those refs weren’t calling fouls for Wormtongue or Theoden. That’s because you’ve been moving them out of the way all series. You deserved the benefit of the whistle. When did you know that Frodo and Sam weren’t serious about winning that game?”

“There were moments in the first quarter where Frodo wasn’t passing the ball to Wormtongue and I told him that he might be able to get his black ass traded to a new team, but he’ll always be a regular season poser. Him and French Rejection are destined for playoff failure because he’s a hobbit who needs the refs to give him foul calls to be a great player. The thing was, when I told Frodo that, he didn’t say anything back. Frodo was running around like Wormtongue. Resigned to the inevitability of Isaiah, Obi, and I buttfucking them around the rim.”

“I thought Obi was going to do a between-the-legs dunk instead of that windmill. He’s better than Julius.”

“Yeah, Obi passes the ball more. I like Obi. He plays hard. Makes threes. Fun dude.”

“I love you Mitchell.”

“I love you Dad!”

It was a beautiful moment at the table of the Popeye’s restaurant. The first time Mitchell called me dad. The first time I told him that I loved him. During the car ride back home from the restaurant, we banged Future on the car speakers and Mitchell pissed his pants from laughing so hard at me rapping along to Future songs. That always gets a good laugh out of him. Same with my ghetto lovechild Robert Williams III. I love rapping along to Future and 21 Savage with my black kids. With my white son (Bogdan Bogdanovic), we sing Sam Hunt and SoMo songs in the car.

That Warriors-QUEENS game started off looking like it was going to be the most entertaining basketball game of the playoffs, but then Canary Kerr stopped playing Jordan Poole, and the Queens stopped making threes. I turned it off with about two and a half minutes left. The Warriors were up two possessions and you don’t beat the Warriors when you need to intentionally foul them to get the ball back. Basketball Jesus wasn’t going to call a phantom timeout again.

What was game 5 about? It was about Money Green and Saboner. How Money Green is light years ahead of Saboner. The moment when Saboner missed a shot trying to dribble towards the basket and Money Green followed that with a two-step layin that followed a shoulder check of Saboner that put Saboner past the baseline was the snapshot of what that game was. Saboner was missing two-pointers. Sometimes he would turn it over and look at the refs to call a foul. Every shot Saboner attempted was difficult and strenuous. Money Green was playing Westbroke defense on Saboner and Saboner wasn’t doing anything to punish that. Saboner isn’t good at dribbling. When he had open space and started dribbling, you knew that he was going to find a way to turn it over. Either by committing a charge, randomly losing the ball out of bounds, or by getting stripped. Saboner’s turnovers usually caused fastbreaks for the Warriors. His turnovers, or his missed fifteen-foot shots. Saboner even attempted a three! Of course that didn’t go in. He’s not deserving of respect from the Warriors’ defense. They can just play off Saboner because he’s only passing. Everything is difficult for the Queens because Saboner can’t score and is playing like The Quitter. Malik Monk got a pass from Saboner in the fourth quarter on an off-ball cut, and Gary Payton was right on Malik’s ass. Maybe if the defense had to respect Saboner, those passes to cutters would be more open and Malik wouldn’t get hurt going up for that layup. On offense, Saboner is screwing things up with missed midrange shots, turnovers, and the fact that Money Green (or whoever else) can ignore him outside the paint. It was gross watching Saboner try and fail to move Looney Tunes out of his way. Saboner can’t move Looney Tunes. Really, the only Warriors defender who Saboner could score on was Basketball Jesus. Absolutely abominable offense from Saboner. Oh, and his defense is hilarious. Hilariously bad. Anytime Saboner blocks a shot, the refs immediately call goaltending because it’s impossible for Saboner to block a shot. There was a play where Money Green crossed up Saboner so badly, that I think Saboner fell down. Either that or just skidded fifteen feet away from Money Green. I’m pretty sure that the Warriors missed the wide-open three that followed Saboner getting crossed up by Money Green, so that won’t be shown in the NBA Top 10. It was a nasty crossover though. Nimble feet and fluid hips are two things Saboner does not have. Alex Len really might have been better than Saboner. Alex doesn’t turn the ball over trying to dibble through open space. Alex also goes to the free-throw line, and at least is capable of blocking a shot. That inbounds turnover that Alex got called on was dubious, by the way. I think he had one foot behind the baseline. The Queens seemed to be turning the ball over a lot. That, and allowing the Warriors to get offensive rebounds again.

So, Saboner needs to get traded. Probably to another team that is starving for preseason success, and not trying to win a playoff series. Ideally, the Queens could get Bam “Nigerian Chubacabra” Adebayo, but after beating the Fucks, Nigerian Chubacabra is probably off the table. Now the Queens might have to target someone like Jacob Poeltl… or Mark Williams.

Saboner was so freaking terrible. Every time I think about how bad Saboner was, I’m just going to shake my head. Gross. Disgusting. Embarrassing. De’Aaron deserved better from Saboner.

My goodness was De’Aaron making every three in the first half! Too bad Saboner was on his team. De’Aaron and Keegan Murray were the reasons why the Queens looked ready to win a big game. As someone who is the recipient of paternal shit-talking of Keegan Murray, it was a pleasant surprise to witness Keegan go at Jordan Poole like that. The Queens made it a point of emphasis to get the ball to whoever was being guarded by Jordan Poole, and it was working all game. Canary Kerr wizened up to it and took Poole out of the game though. There were some wasted possessions from the Queens during that first quarter where they tried to appease Saboner with some shots. Those were wasted opportunities. Possessions better spent on Fox or Murray shots. God, Saboner was so fucking terrible. Almost as bad as Hurt Locker. It was cute how Hurt Locker actually made a three and thought that meant that he was ready to not miss every outside shot he attempted. Actually, that just meant that Hurt Locker would give himself license to miss three more outside shots. He was (and is) just awful. Hurt Locker can only make layups right now, and that won’t work with Saboner. With Saboner missing every shot he takes, the other four Queens players need to be able to shoot the basketball. So Hurt Locker, the Kindergartner, and Malik Monk need to be making threes. They weren't, so the Queens lowkey got badly beaten. It’s shameful how all the Queens besides Keegan Murray let down De’Aaron Fox like this.

Money Green made shots?!?!? Money Green made shots! I can’t freaking believe it! It was like 2016 and the Warriors were playing game 7 against LeBron and Kyrie! Making shots and getting Saboner to turn over the ball. That was an amazing effort from Money Green. Missed free throws, but a made three so those are forgiven. Money Green was so good that I think the Queens have to trade Saboner to the Hornets in the offseason.

Do you know who else made shots besides Money Green? Handsome Squidward made shots, that’s who. Jesus Christ, Handsome Squidward got hot in that second quarter. The threes that Handsome Squidward was taking were ridiculous but that didn’t prevent Handsome Squidward from having perfect swishes. That one long bomb that Handsome Squidward took from straightaway was filthy. When he made that, it felt like that one game 6 against the Thunder. Handsome Squidward has an unassailable record of killing opponents on the road. In the second quarter, it felt like the Queens were going to establish a lead but Handsome Squidward squashed those plans. Saboner tried to post up Handsome Squidward and that didn’t end well for Saboner. Guarding Handsome Squidward also didn’t end well for Saboner. All things lead back to how awful Saboner was. Literally every Warriors player who guarded Saboner near the basket prevented him from scoring or getting off any kind of clean shot. Handsome Squidward, Looney Tunes, Money Green, Maple Jordan, everyone. No double teams either. Ugh, Saboner was so freaking terrible. That shooting foul that Maple Jordan got called for was the refs taking pity on what a full-fledged meltdown Saboner was having.

Basketball Jesus was making shots and smiling during the second quarter when the Warriors were down by kind of a lot. Basketball Jesus didn’t seem worried about the Queens leading that early in the game. I guess that Basketball Jesus knew that the Queens (and Saboner especially) were going to shit the bed.

I’m in disbelief that the Queens lost at home because Handsome Squidward and Money Green made shots.

Who can the Queens trade Saboner to? After looking at the standings, my best guesses are the Hornets, Nets, Raptors, Thunder (they might be too smart to trade for Saboner), TimberPups (French Rejection lol), or the Rockets. Oh, if the Hawks would be willing to trade Onyeka Okongwu, that would be the dream.

I can’t believe the Warriors are going to the Western Conference Finals.

Celtics 🍀(-7) over HAWKS 🐥

-Obviously I’m not watching this game.

Record: 20-20

Are you ready to watch the Sixers quit on life and get embarrassed in the second round? I am! I can’t wait to watch Embiid cry. His tears aren’t quite as delicious as Overwhelmed Woman Tears, but Embiid’s tears are quite decadent. He might be the world’s biggest bitch when he cries.

Queens 👸🏾 (+7.5) over WARRIORS ⚡️

-I get every game in this series wrong (except the first game), so please fade me. At this point, watching Saboner torpedo the Queens is fun for me. If I pick them, then it will hurt even more, which I want. I want this Queens choke job to hurt as much as possible. That’s what I’m looking for from a professional sports team. Hope turned into caustic, overwhelming, hopeless disappointment. Of course, I’m watching every second of this game. Thank you Penis Head Adam Silver for scheduling this game to start at 5 P.M. Aside from a crushing Warriors beatdown, I’d also like it if Money Green kicked Saboner in the balls. The kind of kick that makes Saboner infertile. After Money Green crosses Saboner up so badly that Saboner breaks his ankle. A testicle stomp. A testicle stomp, with a carnal scream. Saboner deserves it.

Grizzlies 🐻 (+4.5) over LAKERS ⭐️

-I’m taking the Grizzlies because I saw the ally-oops that Ja Morant was finishing over LeBron Blames. That, and it was a fluke how the Lakers covered the 4.5 in the last game in L.A. If Dillon Brooks takes more than ten shot attempts, he should be beheaded with a guillotine at center court after the game ends. A literal “cap casualty”. I will not watch one second of this game.

Record: 21-21 (slaughter gang)

🎶When your wrist like this, you don't check the forecast

Every day it's gon' rain (every day it's gon' rain), yeah

Made a brick through a brick, I ain't whip up shit

This pure cocaine (this pure cocaine), yeah

From the streets, but I got a little sense

But I had to go coupe, no brain, coupe no brain

I ain't worried 'bout you, I'ma do what I do

And I do my thing, do my thing 🎶

Wrongbomb has several sources. The kind of sources you don’t expect. Janitors, the hardworking Mexicans who build America, security guards, gardeners, bus drivers, etc. One of those bus drivers happened to be tasked with driving the Queens back from the Yay Area after MALIK FUCKING MONK did his shit! Our source can confirm that MALIK FUCKING MONK had possession of the auxiliary cord as “Pure Cocaine” was indeed one of the songs being blasted throughout the party bus. MALIK FUCKING MONK is a big fan of the good vibes and freebasing spirit that Lil Baby provides while smoking rock cocaine with Anjali World. Anjali actually makes the rock cocaine right there on the bus. She’s a Baking Soda Girl when it comes to rock. Vivek is a supporter of drug legalization, and Anjali doesn’t let Dad act like a hypocrite.

Besides confirming the playlist on the bus ride back to Cowbell Kingdom, our source was able to record a frank discussion between Queen's head coach Mike Brown, and our nemesis, Saboner. Shout out to our sources.

Mike: “Domas! Hey! How’s your eye feeling?”

(Saboner doesn’t have time to give a perfunctory response on the honest condition of his black eye)

Mike: “Hey Domas, I know that you typically sit in the back of the bus with the rest of the guys, but I need to talk with you. Take a seat.”

(Saboner sits down in the front row next to Mike Brown. Ice bag firmly planted on his bad eye)

Saboner: “Coach, I know I haven’t been playing my best, but I’m going to bring it on Sunday. Believe me. I will guide us to victory.”

Mike: “Domas, this is professional sports. Did you know that I coached LeBron Blames? Well, I did. I coached LeBron Blames.”

“Yes coach, I know.”

“Awesome. Now that we’ve established my coaching credentials, it’s time for a hard talk. Domas, I can’t play you thirty minutes on Sunday. It’s not what’s best for the team. You’ve been given every opportunity to not tank our season and every opportunity that you’ve been given has been fumbled away. Today, you had another five-turnover game. You’re having a turnover problem. Looney Tunes is still getting too many offensive rebounds while you’re on the court. On top of those two issues, now you’re fouling and putting the best free-throw-shooting team of all time in the bonus. I know Maple Jordan missed three free throws in a row during the fourth quarter, but putting the Warriors in the bonus is not a way to win. Domas, I know that you made a corner three in the first quarter. You’re not all bad, but the team needs Trey Lyles to play more. For some reason, he’s capable of boxing out Looney Tunes, and Trey makes more threes. Trey also doesn’t routinely fumble the ball away whenever he tries to dribble. I know this is hard for you to hear, but trust me Domas. I’ve coached LeBron Blames. I know basketball.”

“Coach, I can play better! I know I can!”

“Domas, you’ll start, but Trey is getting more run. I’m the coach of the year, and ten years ago, I coached LeBron Blames. This is what I think is best and it’s my responsibility to put this team in the best position to win. This conversation is over. Now put your headphones on and shut the fuck up. I need to finish this sudoku puzzle.”

Money Green didn’t stomp Saboner’s penis so hard that Saboner couldn’t have kids, but Looney Tunes gave him a black eye from an inadvertent elbow during a jump-ball. That didn’t keep Saboner out of the game but foul trouble did! Thank God. Saboner’s plus-minus would tell you that he wasn’t a destructive force of bad basketball. I would assert the Saboner was, indeed, an anvil on the ship to victory. Turnovers, fouls, and missed fifteen-footers. That’s losing basketball. Oh, and also getting dusted like a fifty-year-old whenever he tries to guard someone at the three-point line. Trade this clown. It feels like every missed layup from Saboner results in a Warriors fast-break. Trey Lyles needs to play instead of Saboner. Trey makes treys, and when he guards people, I don’t get that hopeless sense of resignation that I get watching Saboner try to guard Handsome Squidward, or God forbid, Basketball Jesus. Do I have faith that Mike Brown is going to actually have the courage to do the right thing and play Trey Lyles more and Saboner less? No. No, I don’t. The Queens are going to go down with the ship and lose playing Saboner on Sunday. Because that’s what’s easy, and you don’t become a professional basketball coach by making hard decisions. You become a professional basketball coach by sucking off rich team owners, and by making politically defensible decisions. Decisions like playing your highly-compensated Lithuanian instead of your less-compensated American bench player.

Seriously, Trey Lyles takes (and makes) threes, miraculously gets rebounds, and doesn’t give me a pit in my stomach when he guards the ball on the perimeter. He needs to play more. At Saboner’s expense. Oh, and Trey would never have five turnovers in twenty-five minutes (or whatever the time was that Saboner played yesterday). Play Saboner less, and when the season ends, trade that clown.

MALIK FUCKING MONK. Goddamnit he was the best player on the court. A court with Basketball Jesus on it! The neighbors didn’t hear me screaming Harrison Barnes’ name, but they definitely heard me screaming MALIK FUCKING MONK. MALIK FUCKING MONK was having one of those games that made you think he was willing to die for a win. That’s how he was dribbling to the basket. My goodness did he get hot from three in the third quarter. Him, and De’Aaron both ignited a five-alarm fire in San Francisco. How freaking insane is it that De’Aaron Fox and MALIK FUCKING MONK outshot Basketball Jesus and Handsome Squidward during crunch time of a game 6 in San Francisco? Platinum-certified Crazy.

Forgive De’Aaron Fox for his early turnovers. He was cooking Looney Tunes off the dribble whenever Looney Tunes got switched on him. De’Aaron also wasn’t throwing the game with missed free throws! Nutty stuff.

Hurt Locker is still a disaster. He made three threes (and three free throws), but he still sucks. The threes that Hurt Locker made were after MALIK FUCKING MONK and De’Aaron Fox had already decided the game. When the score is close, Hurt Locker misses shots. Huge shout out to Mike Brown for playing Terrance “T-Raw” Davis over Hurt Locker. Hurt Locker was taking tough stepbacks like he wasn’t in a disgusting shooting slump, and that’s a tough thing to deal with when Saboner can’t make outside shots. The second-quarter run that T-Raw had felt like it contributed to healthy offensive basketball from the Queens. The Warriors take T-Raw seriously, and it’s nice for the Queens to not have to deal with these back-breaking Hurt Locker missed shots. Now, T-Raw did foul out in a very short amount of time, but that one foul he got called for on DiVincenzo was really bad. Mike Brown should be kicking himself for not challenging that clean strip of DiVincenzo.

MALIK FUCKING MONK. He made a three in front of the Warriors' bench during the third quarter and made sure that they knew that he knew he was the best player on the court. MALIK FUCKING MONK has a beautiful stride. I love watching him run. MALIK FUCKING MONK deserves all the crack cocaine that he undoubtedly partook in during the bus ride back to Sacramento. Marc Jackson voice: “My Goodness!”

Keegan Murray was 5-17 from the field, but forgive him. I’m not sure how many charges he took. It might have been three, and four of Keegan’s made field goals were threes. Keegan is playing great, and I’m bullish on his future. His three-point shot is something I believe in. Only one turnover in forty-five minutes. Give Keegan a gold star for his game 6 effort. Keegan needs to keep shooting.

Jordan Poole needs to be given a black eye from a Money Green elbow. Jordan Poole was the biggest reason why the Warriors lost. Him, and how Basketball Jesus and Handsome Squidward made fewer shots than MALIK FUCKING MONK and De’Aaron Fox. Jordan Poole has been missing free throws and he never does that. The one sequence where Jordan was fecklessly looking at the ball while it rolled out of bounds was the perfect encapsulation of Jordan Poole’s game 6. Being utterly incapable of picking up a basketball and falling down as the ball slowly rolls out of play. Is Money Green going to put money on Jordan Poole’s head, because Jordan Poole deserves a bounty for that shitshow yesterday. A bounty, or for one of these refs to follow MALIK FUCKING MONK’s advice and actually call Jordan Poole for carrying the basketball while he dribbles. Speaking of refs, where’s Ashley Moyer?! You know, the hot ref. The one who Lord Luka and I both want to double-team. I understand that women aren’t allowed to ref in the playoffs, but she should be the exception.

Besides how hideous Jordan Poole’s effort was, the other obvious thing about the Warriors is how ridiculous it is that Canary Kerr doesn’t play Moses Moody during the preseason. Canary Kerr played Anthony Lamb for all those minutes but now that the real season started, Canary Kerr decides to play Moody and glue Lamb to the bench. That doesn’t make sense. Moody deserves to play more during the preseason. He’s actually playing well against the Queens.

Dillon Brooks had eleven shot attempts yesterday. Off to the chopping block for Dillon!

Suns ☀️(+3) over NUGGETS ⛏

-I’m so excited to watch Lord Voldemort and my dude MPJ! You could fairly accuse me of hedging my emotional well-being by picking the Suns to cover. You could also accuse me of believing that Devin Booker and KD are going to enjoy this Nuggets' defense more than the Clippers’ defense. Obviously, I am watching every moment of this game.

KNICKS 🏀 (-4) over Heat 🔥

-Maybe the Heat played a fake basketball team in the first round and now that they’re playing a team that isn’t entirely composed of retarded macaques, the Heat will fail to cover. God bless Himmy Butler. Black Baby Jesus, please forgive me for picking against Himmy.

Warriors ⚡️(-1.5) over QUEENS 👸🏾

-OF COURSE THIS GAME IS MUST-WATCH TELEVISION. No, I do not have the courage to pick the Queens even though it seems unlikely that the worst road playoff team will win a second game on the road. The free-throw woes from the Warriors feel unlikely to repeat, and Basketball Jesus might just score forty. Oh, and Mike Brown is going to “trust his guys” and play Saboner too much.

Record: 23-20
CELTICS (-4.5) over Bucks -
No Middleton. Jrue Holiday is usually a bad offensive player in the Playoffs. Grayson Allen has been on three teams in his short career and if he had sustained the shooting that he had against the Bulls, he probably wouldn’t have been on so many teams. I don’t like this Bucks offense against this Celtics defense. That’s why I’m picking the Celtics.
GRIZZLIES (+2) over Warriors ️-
I’m getting feisty with this pick. I think everyone is greasing up their hands to tug on the Warriors’ dick to get it hard before finishing the job with their mouth and I just suspect that it’s gone too far. That Nuggets team was very bad and I think it colored our opinion of this Warriors team too much. The Grizzlies just had an awful series against the Timberwolves where the Wolves were the better team. If the Wolves didn’t employ retards, they would have won. Everyone is (and probably should be) hating on the Grizzlies. Maybe a little too much. Also, there’s the issue of the Grizzlies having played on Friday. I just have this feeling that too many people are counting out the Grizzlies and I think it’s wise to take them. This Warriors team isn’t as physically imposing as that Wolves team was. The Warriors are a different beast, one that I think the Grizzlies are more suited to handle. The Warriors don’t have a Karl Towns. They don’t have an Anthony Edwards type to get by any defender that is put on them. The Grizzlies aren’t at an athleticism disadvantage against the Warriors. Steven Adams maybe can play seven minutes and beat up Draymond. Last series, the Warriors faced Monte Morris, Will Barton, and Bones Hyland on the perimeter. Now they’re facing Ja Morant, Desmond Bane, Tyus Jones, and Dillon Brooks. To my eyes, that’s a significant jump in caliber of competition.
Everyone is thinking “the Grizzlies just had to scratch and claw to beat the Wolves, what are they going to do with the Warriors?”. To me, the Wolves are absolutely brain dead but they’re talented and I think people discount them too much. Idk I’m willing to look foolish and take the Grizzlies here and readjust after watching game 1.

Record: 22-23 (don’t gamble)

BASKETBALL JESUS.

Basketball Jesus felt it in the air last night. Oh lord. I’ve been waiting for this moment. Because I remember when we all watched BASKETBALL JESUS and wanted more. More shot attempts. More responsibility. Because we knew. We knew that He was better than LeBron Blames.

De’Aaron Fox told BASKETBALL JESUS that he was drowning. BASKETBALL JESUS didn’t lend a hand because, for all of BASKETBALL JESUS’ life, He’s seen De’Aaron’s face. That Pretender Face. The face of a false prophet. The face of a hoodrat who can’t make free throws because they’re mentally weak. De’Aaron didn’t know who BASKETBALL JESUS is. Now he does though. De’Aaron was right there and saw what He did. Saw it with his own two eyes. De’Aaron wiped off that stupid grin he gets when he misses free throws. BASKETBALL JESUS knows De’Aaron. He knows that the whole QUEENS’ season has been a giant pack of lies.

BASKETBALL JESUS.

Incredible performance. Spectacular showing from the Sacramento crowd. There were two incredible pairs of implants in the front row. The section of the courtside seats that face the broadcast camera. No one was more shocked than yours truly to see a plethora of attractive women in attendance at the Golden1 Center. One of those pairs of incredible implants had their hand on the thigh of their partner for the whole game. Shout out to that guy with the white pants. Overall, that crowd was hotter than any Phoenix crowd I’ve seen. What a time to be alive in Cowbell Kingdom!

The word on the street is that these Queen's crowds are the best in the game, and you see it in the broadcast. That crowd stands up a lot. There’s a lot of movement in the arena when the Queens act like a real team. More than other NBA crowds. Even with the volume muted, you feel the energy in the crowd. Feel the roar? Feel the losing! The problem with the Queens is that they’re in Sacramento. The city of last place. All that losing is in the air. It’s a mindset. The whole city is loser vibes. You live in Sacramento to lose to Los Angeles. That’s the whole purpose of Sacramento. Cute, plucky losers that can’t overcome the real greatness of the cosmopolitan California cities. You live in Sacramento because you want “value”. A bigger house than you could get in the Yay Area. Sacramento is an escape from pressure. People who live in Sacramento are people who faced difficulty and ran away from it.

You don’t walk through the streets of Sacramento and get inspired like you do walking through the streets of Los Angeles. You don’t see anyone driving a sky blue Chevrolet truck from 1960 that they personally restored and upgraded. Walking through the streets of Sacramento, you see hand-me-down personal vehicles from 1996. You see “tradition”, not “creativity”. Because what Sacramento is, is “fear”. Fear to move to the Big City. Fear to create something inspiring. Fear to with a goddamn game 7 at home. Seriously, how many game 7’s can you lose at home? There should be separate stats for historical game 7’s that have taken place in Sacramento. Separate stats that show how 100% of the game 7’s are won by the road team. And not just won. Dominated. Because that’s what BASKETBALL JESUS did yesterday in Sacramento. He dominated the Pretender Queens. Him, and Looney Tunes.

Did I say that Coach Of The Year Mike Brown didn’t have the courage to play Saboner less? (Checks notes) I did! Mike Brown played Saboner a bunch! And he was atrocious like he’s been for the whole goddamn series! At least everyone can all be friends though. The team can have cordial exit interviews because Mike Brown didn’t bench Saboner for Trey Lyles when the moment called for it. Mike Brown is a Cool Guy though! Look at those Vans he wears on the sidelines. Sacramento has a Cool Coach! A Cool Coach who is too chickenshit to bench Saboner when it’s super freaking obvious.

Hurt Locker was bad. No surprise there. Cool Coach Mike Brown played him for almost thirty minutes. More than T-Raw, which was another blunder by the Cool Coach. T-Raw was the reason why the Queens were winning at halftime. T-Raw didn’t get consistent minutes but when the playoffs came, he made shots. Totally unlike Hurt Locker, who made shots during the preseason but clammed up during the important games. The Queens need to trade Hurt Locker to the Hornets for Miles Bridges, but Vivek doesn’t want to do what it takes to win. He wants to be a Cool Owner. A Cool Owner, with a Cool Coach. Because losing is fine with Vivek. After all, he lives in Sacramento.

The Queens led at halftime and had a breathtaking meltdown in the third quarter. Turnovers, and an inability to grab defensive rebounds. You lose to the Warriors when you lose the possession game as starkly as the Queens did. Oh, and De’Aaron Fox missed lots of shots. De’Aaron had a broken finger, and he didn’t want to shoot it during the third quarter. He kept passing to T-Raw. Maybe the pain-numbing shot De’Aaron took before the game had started to wear off by that point in the game. Most of De’Aaron’s five turnovers happened in that third quarter. De’Aaron also lost BASKETBALL JESUS after BASKETBALL JESUS inbounded the ball and relocated to the corner. That was an open three that He made. De’Aaron melted down in that third quarter. Him, and Saboner. It was so fun watching Saboner miss fourteen-footers with the season on the line. Looney Tunes got every one of those rebounds and started a Warrior's fastbreak after Saboner missed a fourteen-footer. It’s wild how far back the Warriors (deservedly) played back on Saboner. Westbroke defense. Guess what percentage Saboner shot from the free-throw line? Did you say fifty percent? No, that’s too high. We’re talking about Saboner here. No, Saboner shot thirty-three percent from the free-throw line. Not one for three, either. Saboner shot two for six. Saboner will do better next year though! Next year, he won’t miss every shot he takes. He won’t allow the other team to get at least ten offensive rebounds every game! He won’t cause the Queens to play four-on-five offense! Saboner will get better!

No, he won’t. Saboner will cause the Queens to lose in the first round for the next five years. If they even make the playoffs. Saboner is so freaking terrible. It’s so fitting that he plays in Sacramento. Saboner is a Loveable Loser. He can complain with the rest of the people in the capitol valley about how the refs conspire against them, and how that’s the reason why they always lose.

The actress in those Nissan commercials has a hairline that makes it obvious how all of her male children will be bald adults, but she’s hot. I don’t know her name, but that brown suit she wears is quite dapper.

BASKETBALL JESUS. I’ll always remember that rebound he got with Saboner behind him, and how BASKETBALL JESUS dribbled up the court and made a coast-to-coast layup. That was during the fourth quarter. He had to end the game by showing Saboner how to get a defensive rebound. Light the beam! It’s just too easy for the Warriors to score when BASKETBALL JESUS is perfectly swishing pullup thirty-footers. It’s disgusting how BASKETBALL JESUS never gets tired. He took 38 shots and still had enough energy at the end of the game to dribble through the Queens’ defense and make layups. He kept the score close in the first half, then kept making ridiculous shots in the second half when De’Aaron and the Queens stopped scoring. That was an abhorrent offensive effort from the Queens in the second half. Almost as bad as Handsome Squidward was for the whole game. Handsome Squidward missed lots of open shots. It’s crazy how he actually helped the Warriors win game 5.

Did Money Green make a corner three?! I think he did!

Looney Tunes was doing that thing where he predicts where the rebound is going and grabbed it even though three people from the other team are around him. It’s flatly embarrassing how Looney Tunes is light-years ahead of Saboner.

Everyone on the Warriors was dreadful on offense except for the deity who scored FIFTY POINTS. How does a professional basketball team allow its opponent to have one guy (deity) score FIFTY POINTS? A professional basketball team that wasn’t the Fucks! Just awful. People in the Queens organization are going to jack each other off over what a “success” this season was, but there needs to be some “reorganization” within the franchise. Saboner needs to be auctioned off. Miles Bridges needs to be onboarded. T-Raw needs to be given a fair shake during the preseason. These things won’t happen though. They’ll talk themselves into De’Aaron being healthy and Saboner not shitting the bed as legitimate reasons to believe that next year will be better. Queens stay the Queens.

CELTICS 🍀(-10) over Sixers 🔔

-(sarcastic voice) Wow Joel Embiid isn’t playing.

NUGGETS ⛏(-4.5) over Suns ☀️

-I’m watching this game. Hopefully Stephanie Ready can be the sideline reporter. Allie LaForce is the hottest NBA sideline reporter, but Ms. Ready isn’t far off. Young Erin Andrews is in a different galaxy than either of those two. No one is going to install secret cameras in a Hilton for Allie LaForce.

I understand that Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray made every freaking shot in game 1 and that’s not really repeatable, but it’s time to pick against Chris Paul. This Suns team is old and slow. They don’t have enough players who score. It’s all too much to ask of Booker and KD. It’s asking too much of Limp Dick to have a respectable erection during his IG stories, but it’s not asking too much of Limp Dick to make shots in Denver. I guess Donovan Mitchell was the real fluke of the bubble.

Kentavious Caldwell-Pope aka Our Favorite Black Realtor was swishing threes in game 1. The Suns would kill for a player like Our Favorite Black Realtor.

Then there’s MPJ who was dusting guys off the dribble when Lord Voldemort was on the bench. Call me a sucker for buying too much into what can be credibly argued as outlier shooting from the Nuggys, but what they did to the Suns felt overwhelming. I’ll probably take the Suns to cover game 3, but I’m taking Lord Voldemort in game 2. My record is below .500 so you can wipe your ass with what I think will happen.

Record: 23-24 (atrocious)

(Postgame media session. Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray and Michael Porter Jr. Lord Voldemort doesn’t speak English, and no one from the press speaks Serbian.)

“Hey, Jamal. Clive Carson from Wrongbomb here. Last night, did you try to have regular sex?”

“Uhh, why are you asking?”

“Yeah, that’s perfectly reasonable. Well, I checked your Instagram story and I didn’t see any post with a white girl giving your weak erection a blowjob that was too try-hard. During the game, all your shots missed and a lot of them fell short. Almost like you didn’t have any leg strength. I was wondering if you exhausted your leg muscles from trying to have sex without a blue pill. So… is that what happened? I feel like since you post blowjobs to your Instagram stories, it's fair to ask about your sexual activity leading up to important playoff games. Especially when you no-show and make Lord Voldemort carry the team. You signed that max extension like you were a respectable player, and not entirely established because you play with Lord Voldemort. I’ll ask again Jamal. Did you, or did you not attempt to have regular sex last night?”

“Yes, I had regular sex last night.”

“Figures. Maybe next time, you can do Lord Voldemort the courtesy of not forgetting to take those blue pills that you need. Seriously Jamal. I’ve seen more respectable erections from sixty-year-olds in my gym locker room than the shitty erection you had for that poor girl in that Instagram story you made.”

…

“Hey, MPJ. Clive Carson from Wrongbomb here. Do you remember the last time where you bent down dribbling a basketball during a fastbreak around a crowd of defenders and didn’t either lose the ball on your own or get the ball poked away from a defender?”

“Probably in high school.”

“Yeah, before all the back surgeries you had. Figures. I’m always shocked whenever you dribble the ball towards the basket and make layups.”

“Umm, is there a question in there?”

“No, there wasn’t. Sorry MPJ. Was your dad in attendance tonight?”

“Yes. He always goes to my games.”

“Wow, and he doesn’t insist on sitting courtside like Ja Morant’s dad. That’s how you know that you came from class MPJ. That, and how your dad married a white girl. How many siblings do you have again?”

“Eleven.”

“Wow. Good for Michael Porter Sr. Hey, MPJ, I really love watching you play well. Maybe in the next game, you can make your threes.”

“Will do Mr. Carson.”

“Thanks, MPJ, I appreciate it.”

Game 2 between the Nuggets and the Suns was gross. The crowd, and the game. If you asked me which NBA city is most likely to have a whale sitting courtside, Denver would not be my first guess. Milwaukee would be. Among current playoff teams, that guess would probably be… Denver I guess. Legitimate big cities usually have a more stringent vetting process for who sits courtside. The only redeemable thing about game 2 was watching Lord Voldemort abuse DeAndre Ayton near the basket. It feels like there isn’t anyone more aggressive around the rim than Lord Voldemort. More aggressive moving one direction, only to change direction, and attempt a one-handed shot from the opposite shoulder. Dribble hard to the right, Ayton leans to his left, then twist to the left and make a left-hand layup. Rinse and repeat. No one can guard that because Lord Voldemort is a massive human being, and when he is forcefully dribbling somewhere, defenders have to lean hard that way. Lean so hard that they lose all ability to change direction and meaningfully contest any shot that veers away from the initial direction that Lord Voldemort is dribbling. That’s not great for Phoenix. The fact that DeAndre Ayton is utterly powerless in attempting to guard Lord Voldemort by himself. That thing that Lord Voldemort does where he jab-steps above the free-throw line, backs up Ayton, and then takes a moonshot eighteen-footer, feels automatic. Automatic, and hopeless to stop. Lord Voldemort makes defenses feel more hopeless than the Durantula does, or even Basketball Jesus does.

What else isn’t great for Phoenix? Let me think… Oh, Chris Paul popped his groin muscle. Guess what?! It’s the playoffs, and Chris Paul is injured! I would be surprised if Mr. Paul played again. So now the Suns have two and a half offensive players. That’s how you finish a game in 2023 with less than 90 points! Monty Williams plainly doesn’t like Damion Lee. Whatever. Phoenix needs to leave these playoffs. Did you know that Monty Williams’ wife died prematurely? You’re supposed to excuse the fact that Monty Williams leaves his mouth open all the time because ten years ago, his wife died. During the world’s biggest Stanford Prison Experiment that we all just went through three years ago, Monty Williams was the coach who was most obedient in doing what the government was instructing us all to do. Monty Williams is a vapid sheep of a human being. Nice guy though. Does what he’s told, and doesn’t question it for a second.

Kevin Durant is, like, 34. Last year, he got pushed around by the Celtics, and now, he doesn’t feel as impossible as he used to. Not as physically strong. Still incredible, but not impossible. It never gets old watching Kevin Durant tower over the rest of the players on the court. It’s hopeless trying to block his shot. The Suns need for KD to average 40 points a game, which is irresponsible. Irresponsible because the Suns need the Durantula to block Aaron Gordon’s shots on defense.

Since I’m very jealous of how handsome Devin Booker is, it’s fun to see him complain about refs not giving him as many foul calls as he thinks he should get. Now, admittedly, the refs should’ve called more fouls, but in an overly-physical game, you take Lord Voldemort, Aaron Gordon, and MPJ over the Durantula and Booker. Booker needs to accept that he’ll always have a cherubic face, and just go clean-shaven. That chin-strap thing he’s doing with his facial hair is off-putting. Kendall Jenner should’ve permanently fixed that while they were together. Props to Kendall for upgrading from The Quitter to Devin Booker. Demerits to Kendall for dating The Quitter in the first place. Ten points from Gryffindor! All the Kardashians are a part of Gryffindor House. Obviously, since the Nuggets have Lord Voldemort they’re all in Slytherin. Game 2 was awful.

Our Favorite Black Realtor is swishing threes like he’s still playing with LeBron Blames! Goodness, Our Favorite Black Realtor is good! Yesterday, he was much better than Limp Dick and MPJ.

Bruce Brown was good too. Brucey wakes up in the playoffs. Brucey and Christian Braun run to the rim on offense like they’re trying to kill someone. Brucey was the best player on the Nets last year in game 5 of that series, and he’s playing with force. How do the Nuggets have so many good players?! How did they just sign Brucey in free agency?! The Nuggets have Christian Braun guarding Kevin Freaking Durant, and Christian is holding up OK! Christian Braun was the best player on that title-winning Kansas team and in the NBA, he is still a No Fear White Boi (NFWB). This Nuggets’ roster is loaded. They’re going to annihilate this half-team that Phoenix is playing with. I feel stupid for thinking that Phoenix would win this series. Lord Voldemort is tying an apple around DeAndre Ayton’s mouth and roasting him on a spit over an open fire like he does with pigs on his farm in Serbia. Don’t doubt the Dark Lord.

KNICKS 🏀 (-6.5) over Heat 🔥

-Every year I lose picking against the Heat. I promise I’ll start blindly picking them. Just not his game. If the NBA keeps scheduling games from this series on days that other series are happening, I will not watch one game between the Knicks and Heat.

Lakers ⭐️ (+4.5) over WARRIORS ⚡️

-Last year I got burned picking teams coming off a game 7 to cover in game 1 of their next series. I’m bad at picking games because I’m not disciplined in taking teams in good “spots”. I understand that the Grizzlies are an impotent offensive basketball team, but I don’t want to take the Warriors two days after finishing that harrowing series against the Queens.

Record: 24-25 (yikes)

“Hey Rui”

“Hi Mr. Carson”

“Ummm… listen, Rui, I know this is all moving really fast, but I know how I feel. I’ve been around basketball for enough time to know how I feel about things, and when I feel the things that I’m feeling now, I need to voice those feelings. What I’m trying to say is… I trust you Rui. When you shoot, I trust you to make the shot. I know that I’ve only been watching you for a week and before this, you pissed off a franchise that is irrelevant, but I know what I feel. There’s been a lot of people before you Rui, and they didn’t make me feel the way you do. I’m sorry, but I can’t hold in my emotions with you. I don’t care how you feel about me. I trust you Rui.”

(Rui is holding back tears)

“Mr. Carson, no one’s ever said that to me before. Back in the Before Time when I wasn’t in Los Angeles with all of my Oriental Friends, people just told me that I wasn’t good enough. People never told me that they trusted me. Thank you, Mr. Carson”

(Rui and I hug it out. We’re both crying at this point.)

“I’ll always trust you Rui”

“I’ll always trust you Mr. Carson”

“Alright, since we’re sharing our naked feelings, you have a bizarrely beautiful smile Rui”

1-1 yesterday. I need an intervention for my propensity of picking against the Heat. Most people need interventions for alcoholism, eating too much ice cream, cigarettes, or other really fun drugs. Not me. I need help with not fading this incarnation of the Miami Heat. No Himmy Butler and they were on the doorstep of going up 2-0 against this teetering Knicks team. I watched the last minute or so because that game refused to end. Yes, I saw Julius Randle get too excited to inbound the ball and step on the end line. Scott Foster gets a lot of limelight, most of it unfavorable. I’ll say it. Scott Foster can ref a professional basketball game. Chris Paul is a punk. Anyone on the other side of a beef with Chris Paul has my undying support. When Scott whistled Julius Randle for acting like a teenager who was too excited to have sex, Scott made a big deal about pantomiming stepping over the end line. Julius’ eyes got really big. Julius knew he screwed up. Even though I had the Knicks laying 6.5, and that turnover almost certainly made that number unreachable, I appreciated Scott making Julius look like an absolute retard. Julius deserved it. Scott has been beaten down by NBA players and coaches for thirty years, and when Scott gets the opportunity to show up those players and coaches, he takes advantage. That’s human. That’s relatable. Shout out to Tony Brothers for calling Spencer Dinwiddie a “punk-ass bitch”. If I were reffing a game with Spencer Dinwiddie, I’d call him a “retarded cotton-picker who is going to make everyone in his family bankrupt investing in Bitcoin”. Spencer Dinwiddie deserves everyone’s wrath, and in that moment, Julius Randle deserved to be shown up by the ref for committing a dumb fucking turnover. Amazingly, the Knicks still had a legitimate opportunity to give me a little smidge of happiness by covering the 6.5, but Josh Hart closed the game making only two of his four free throw attempts when making three was what was required of Mr. Hart. Tough beat. I guess the Heat deserved to cover because they were winning that game deep into the third quarter. Ugh. Malik Monk is just trying to get high off of rock cocaine. LeBron Blames is just trying to get high off of positive Twitter feedback for progressive political opinions. I’m just trying to get high off of feeling like I can pick WINNER$. Too bad.

Does Himmy Butler have an endorsement from Alo?! Or does he just insist on wearing clothing that Hot Women In Their Thirties wear?!

Do you know how I felt watching that Lakers-Warriors game? I felt like Calvin Candy seeing his sister at Candyland after a faraway excursion to put on a Mandango fight. Frida Kahlo was, indeed, a tonic for tired eyes. Queens fans, may I present to you, a big player who doesn’t submarine your offense, give up ten offensive rebounds a game, turn the ball over every other time they touch it, makes seventeen-footers, AND BLOCKS SHOTS. (Marc Jackson voice) My Goodness! Frida Kahlo is light-years ahead of Saboner. That Frida Kahlo who I watched yesterday was a player who can be credibly mentioned alongside Basketball Jesus as the best in the sport. Looney Tunes’ head must have been spinning at the stark difference between Saboner and Frida Kahlo. My head certainly was. How many offensive rebounds did the Warriors team get yesterday? Fourteen. Wow, that was more than I expected. Looney Tunes got seven. Ok, so maybe Frida Kahlo didn’t get rid of that problem like I thought he did. Frida Kahlo definitely didn’t turn the ball over like Saboner though! One turnover from Frida. Frida made all eight of his free throws which Saboner would never imagine doing. That, or making the seventeen-footers that Looney Tunes and Money Green dare him to take. Frida Kahlo does all the passing stuff from eighteen feet that Saboner did, but with Frida Kahlo, the defense didn’t play ten feet off him so everyone else had more space to catch passes and make layups. Enlightening stuff. Oh, and four blocks. Watching Frida Kahlo on defense is entirely different from watching Saboner on defense. Frida makes jaw-dropping plays. Saboner prays for wide-open misses. Screw Saboner. I guess that you can’t expect Frida Kahlo to routinely be the player he was last night, but it’s intoxicating when he is. That’s something you can’t help but fall in love with.

Frida Kahlo played forty-four minutes?! Jesus Christ. My goodness, Frida Kahlo was the Death Star yesterday. That player was what LeBron Blames fell in love with. The player who LeBron insisted on selling the farm for. Yesterday, Frida Kahlo wasn’t fifty points, game 7 Basketball Jesus good, but he was the smallest possible step below that. Obviously the best player on the court. In game 1, Frida Kahlo probably had more dunks than Saboner had during the whole seven-game series in round 1 against the Warriors.

LeBron Blames was bad. He misses every three, and he even missed some layups that he never misses. After LeBron Blames’ friends have his social media intervention, they can have another one where they convince him to not shoot as many threes. This shooting is getting to Westbroke levels. LeBron still managed to almost chase down Basketball Jesus. He’s not bad, or even marginal. He’s still good, but LeBron needs to do those handoffs at the three-point line that Money Green does instead of shooting all those threes.

DLo got up for playing Basketball Jesus almost as much as Kyrie Irving does. That was shocking. Seeing DLo shimmy around Maple Jordan, and dust The Mitten off the dribble. DLo was so good that you thought you were macro-dosing watching that game because DLo always is awful in the playoffs.

Dennis Schroder pick-pocketed Basketball Jesus and took the ball to the other basket for a layup. Schroder blows by every Warrior defender who tries to guard him. The combo of Schroder, Reaves, and DLo scored 48 points on 38 shots. Handsome Squidward and Basketball Jesus scored 52 points on 49 shots. Arithmetic!

During the first half of this game, the Warriors were making threes, and the Lakers were making layups. In American Football terms, one team was completing deep passes, and the other team was averaging seven yards a carry. The team that ran the ball won. The team that relied on deep passes, couldn’t consistently execute those long bombs as the game went on.

Is Larsa Pippen going to attend the games in Los Angeles? Her son sits with the Lakers. Oh, and her boy toy sits in front of her son. Malik won’t play I guess, which isn’t Larsa’s preference because she likes seeing her boy toy in a full sweat, but Larsa would still be able to show her son support and also maybe inspire her love stick to make a three.

Handsome Squidward is still hot dogshit. If you wear any kind of fan apparel that supports Handsome Squidward, you’re a mark. I understand that he helped in game 5 against the Queens, and that game 6 against the Thunder. Pretty much every other time that Handsome Squidward suits up in the playoffs alongside Basketball Jesus, Handsome Squidward lets Him down, and it pisses me off. Basketball Jesus deserves better than Handsome Squidward. He’s always deserved better.

Jordan Poole made six threes. Whatever. Fuck that dude. There was still a dumbass three he took off an offensive rebound with ten seconds left on the shot clock. Oh, and a heat check thirty-five footer. Joe Lacob needs to have Mr. Stonesipher sick his dogs on Jordan Poole. That, or have Money Green take Jordan’s eyes out with a hammer. “I can’t even” with Jordan Poole.

Stan Van Gundy was on the broadcast of this game! I learned that when I watched the recap with the volume on! StanVan should be in a two-man booth with Dwight Howard. That might be logistically feasible since the Chinese basketball season is over. Does StanVan eat M&Ms while he commentates? Like, during the commercials. Seriously, StanVan is too fat to be on television in any capacity. People should walk by his wife at the grocery store and give her dirty looks for allowing her husband to get as fat as he has.

CELTICS 🍀(-7.5) over Sixers 🔔

-Are the Celtics fucking serious?! Are they really going to not cover this game?! Are they really going to lose ANOTHER playoff game to Little Game James Harden?! Get ready for some morbid fake dialogue with Jayson, Deuce, and me if the Celtics don’t cover this game. I just want to see my ghetto lovechild Robert Williams III remind me why I love him. I don’t want to see Jayson Tatum play like he would rather be a male model than a professional basketball player.

Record: 25-25

Of course I only watched two minutes of Celtics-Sixers.

WARRIORS ⚡️ (-6) over Lakers ⭐️

Record: 26-25

Wow, I’m over .500 again! Get my jewelry out the safe cause I’m back on road! If you wasn’t there for me when I was all alone, then bitch don’t expect no love when I’m back!

Overall this year’s playoffs have been light years ahead of last year’s. Way fewer blowouts and games that were clearly over after one quarter. Game 2 of Lakers-Warriors gave us three compelling quarters. That’s fine. It’s certainly better than the two interesting minutes that Sixers-Celtics provided in game 2.

Jamychal “Jungle Beast” Green! Good to see you old friend! The Lakers dared Jungle Beast to make wide-open corner threes, and Jungle Beast obliged! God forbid the refs call LeBron Blames for that foul on the Jungle Beast dunk. Give Jungle Beast his and1!

Canary Kerr took a respite from hating Jungle Beast. Canary Kerr puts everyone off the scent of what an unabashed hater he is of his own players but I know the truth. I know that Canary Kerr is the master of silent distrust. That’s why young players on the Warriors don’t get better. Jungle Beast survived Canary Kerr’s withering disdain and made me happy yesterday. 15 points in 13 minutes. Maybe some of that has to do with how Jungle Beast needs to immediately attach ice packs to his knees after he comes out of the game, but I prefer to interpret that paltry minutes total to Canary Kerr not letting go of his beef with bench players. This is completely irresponsible and most likely unfounded, but Canary Kerr is one of those closet racists. The kind of White who is really good at convincing people that he’s some kind of enlightened spirit, but Canary Kerr only gets in the good graces of people in positions of power so that Canary Kerr gets the opportunity to hold down Jonathan “Predator” Kuminga, Moses Moody, and Jungle Beast so that Canary Kerr can play DiVincenzo and lightskins like Poole (hold on), and Anthony Lamb. Never trust a White who gels his hair like Canary Kerr.

Jordan Poole. Does Jordan Poole get forwarded these emails and decide that he wants me to hate him more? Probably not. You can look at the stats and see Poole had five fouls in 16 minutes and figure that as a signal of how poorly he played. Ignore his plus-minus, please. Here is what Jordan Poole offered Basketball Jesus yesterday: getting obliterated on ball screens, terrible airball thirty-five footers with his momentum going sideways as he shoots, and dropping Money Green dimes that would lead to layups if Jordan Poole didn’t fumble the pass.

What does getting obliterated by ball screens mean? Well, in Jordan Poole’s case, that means falling down and staying down. No, not getting hopelessly behind the person dribbling the ball. Crumbling to the ground and staying there for the remainder of the offensive possession. The Warriors would be better off if the refs called Poole for a foul running into the screener. That way, the Warriors would have another chance to play defense without Poole getting ball-screened. Some players try to avoid ball screens or manage to find a way not to get hopelessly out of the play when they happen. That’s not Jordan Poole. According to Jordan Poole, your team gets points from how hopelessly you crumble to the floor.

Terrible thirty-five-foot threes. They’re terrible for a few reasons, but the major one is that Jordan takes them when there aren’t any defenders around. Jordan has time to square up and have a much cleaner shot, but no. This is another thing that Jordan believes can get his team points (besides getting obliterated from ball screens). When you shoot threes that are more difficult, you get more points. That’s what Jordan Poole genuinely believes. I’m pretty sure that three that Jordan took, went over the rim and ricocheted off the far side of the backboard. No Laker defender within ten feet of him. I can’t remember exactly, but I’m sure there was a lot of time left in the offensive possession. Enough time to get a layup. Jordan is probably scared to get touched driving to the basket though.

Dropping Money Green dimes. That was a pass from Money Green a few feet below the three-point line. Jordan was moving without the ball and got separation from his defender. The pass was on-point, but Jordan couldn’t cleanly catch it. It wasn’t as bad as when Jordan let that slow-roller meander out of bounds in that one game against the Queens, but it was bad. Somehow Jordan managed to keep the ball in the Warriors' possession as he crashed out of bounds. Money Green being the smart man that he is, took the opportunity of Jordan being on the ground to run over and make an exaggerated effort to help Jordan Poole get back on his feet. “It’s alright that you screwed up my assist for no goddamn reason Jordan. Here, take my hand so you can get back up. Look everyone, I’m helping out this fuck-up on my team because we’ve moved on from how I hit him before the season started. We’re in a good place now. Someone sign me to $100 after the playoffs please.”

Jordan Poole is so freaking awful. Money Green really needs to take his eyes out with a hammer. Then maybe Canary Kerr would play Predator more.

Besides making a show of how forgiving he was of Jordan Poole, Money Green played inspired basketball. He dunked the ball which hasn’t happened in a few years. The Lakers were triple-teaming Basketball Jesus and Money Green was doing a good job getting points on the board in the resulting four-on-twos. Now, Money Green did miss three free throws which he usually doesn’t do. Money Green is quite demonstrative about how displeased he is when he misses free throws. He knows that he’s better than that.

Handsome Squidward, thank you. Handsome Squidward was absolutely on a shooting bender. Eight threes, zero free throws. That’s a high-end Handsome Squidward game. I’m still ready to hate on Handsome Squidward when he no-shows in Los Angeles. Playing like he did in that third quarter will not continue. If it does, I think I’ll have to retire my disdain of Handsome Squidward and never say a bad thing about him ever again. Really, that third quarter that Handsome Squidward and Jungle Beast put on, was beautiful basketball. A true blitzkrieg. Bestern Conference Basketball. Basketball like that is never happening in the Leastern Conference.

Basketball Jesus wasn’t shooting a lot but there were still some incredible makes. One of them was an eighteen-footer that followed shrugging off Jarred “Sex God” Vanderbilt. Sex God has thirty pounds of pure muscle on Basketball Jesus but BJ still managed to throw him into the ground while dribbling a basketball. Basketball Jesus does things that incredibly strong people do. That’s because Basketball Jesus is incredibly strong. How many thirty-five-year-olds have the leg strength to shoot forty-foot threes as effortlessly as Basketball Jesus? Certainly not Chris Paul at that age.

Maple Jordan led the team in plus-minus. Whatever. The most memorable moment of that game from Maple Jordan was that ridiculous charge that they called on him against LeBron Blames. Canary Kerr is a closet racist, and a lowkey toxic coach, but he challenges dogshit calls when they happen. Unlike Mike Brown. That charge was obvious dogshit and thank God they reversed that call. I guess Lakers assistant coach Phil Handy got a technical for being consternated at the rightful reversal. Darvin Ham should make Phil Handy wear an N95 for the rest of the playoffs for getting a technical foul as an assistant coach.

Since I am a professional lip-reader, I was able to clearly understand what the conversation was with Steve Javie during the coaches’ challenge of that hot dogshit charge call on Maple Jordan.

“Hey, Steve it looks like the ref made a really gross charge call that favored LeBron Blames. What did you see in that play?”

“Yeah, Mike. Listen, I’ve been having sex with my wife once a week, for forty years. Every Sunday before we go to church where we promptly confess to fornicating to our priest. Sometimes I hear these rhythmic arm movements in the stall next to me, but I keep going with the confession. It’s part of being a proper Christian. You can trust me to be a proper adjudicator of basketball, along with being a faithful husband. That charge call was wrong. They’re going to overturn it. I can’t believe the ref saw a charge on that play.”

“Wow, Steve. We don’t hear you come out in opposition of the refs usually. Thanks for your candor.”

“No problem Mike. I have to be honest when the moment calls for it, and that moment certainly called for some criticism.”

“Alright, so there we have it from Steve. Oh wow, it seems that Phil Handy got a technical.”

LeBron Blames made three three-pointers in the first half. I guess that means that he’s done going 1-8 from deep. That three that he made off the backboard at the end of the shot clock was so goddamn lucky but that luck didn’t stop LeBron Blames from staring into the camera like that three was made because of his expert shooting. Whatever.

Frida Kahlo didn’t dominate this game like in game 1. Please forgive him. He’ll figure it out in Los Angeles.

Did I say that I trusted Rui Hachimura to make shots?! I did! And Rui made me look so smart in game 2! He’s a Playoff Player, and as someone who has never watched Rui Hachimura play in a game live before these playoffs, that’s surprising. Rui Hachimura is much better than Harrison Barnes.

Celtics 🍀(-2) over SIXERS 🔔

-I’m probably not watching another second of this godforsaken series. It’s the second round of the playoffs which means that it’s time to start blindly fading Joel Embiid and Little Game James Harden.

Nuggets ⛏ (+4) over SUNS ☀️

-This pick is really dumb and I don’t care. You always take the team down 0-2 at home. I’m ignoring that gambling law because I’m not good at picking these games, as evidenced by my record. The Nuggets managed to flub some games in Minnesota, but I’m done with this Suns team. They got rocked in that game 7 last year against Lord Luka and blamed it on the CoCo. They didn’t cover those games against the Fucks two years ago. I’m picking the Nuggets for every game for the rest of this series. Lord Voldemort made me a Death Eater. Slytherin House all the way. Please fade me, and the Dark Lord in this spot. I’m watching this game, of course.

Record: 27-26

Full disclosure, sometimes I get sleepy during the fourth quarter of these late games, and when that happens, I fall asleep. Usually, I wake up not regretting it. With close, competitive games, my mind finds a way to overcome the drowsiness. Guess what? That wasn’t the case with Nuggys-Sunnies game 3. So I’m making this having watched only the first three quarters. Could I have watched the ten-minute Hooper Highlights recap? Yes, absolutely. But I perused the box score and that told me that my boy toy Michael Porter Jr. started making threes, and that’s why the Nuggys kept this margin semi-respectable. So there we have it.

Do I regret taking the Nuggys? I guess, but not as much as I should. Tip your hat to Devin Booker and his Satan Eyes. That shot-making that Devin was doing made me (and the Nuggys) feel utterly helpless. If you ask me who I would rather have on my fictional professional basketball franchise between Devin Booker, and Anthony Edwards, I’m taking Anthony Edwards because of those absurd blocks Ant-Man gets, but games like yesterday’s are why reasonable people would rather have Booker. I’ve already said this, but he made the Nuggys look helpless. You can’t do anything if Devin Booker is going to make the shots he was taking in game 3. 47 points on 25 shots?! Ummm, OK. Yeah, the Suns won that game. That was some Kyrie Swerving Finals Shotmaking (KSFS) that Devin Booker was doing.

What’s happening with the Durantula right now is sad. He’s moving from franchise to franchise trying to find a Forever Home, getting seriously injured, missing a lot of shots, and getting pushed around like a little boy. It hurts my heart to see Durantula suffer from the consequences of his poor career decision-making. I guess he deserves it for falling in love with Kyrie Swerving and getting addicted to The Twitter, but man, Durantula really screwed up his life leaving OKC instead of quietly insisting that the franchise trade Westbroke. Watching Durantula, it just feels like he’s a man without a country. A man who no one loves. Maybe that’s why Wanda is the real MVP. Because she’s the only person who really loves Durantula. Ugh.

Who stepped up for the Suns? DeAndre Ayton? No, guess again. Jock Landale, and CamPayne? Yup, those two! CamPayne is really fast and he was making layups where he outran every Nuggy defender. Jock Landale was beasting on Nuggy defenders who weren’t Lord Voldemort and Aaron Gordon. Whatever. I’m fading the Suns.

Michael Porter Jr. is my boy toy. Especially when he dyes his hair blonde. To me, MPJ is a 22-year-old with implants and two kids. You can tell me that getting pregnant at 17 is a huge character red flag, and I can hear the words coming through my ears, but the implants. Those things make me completely incapable of seeing reason. With MPJ, those implants would be his jump shot, and how it goes through the basket barely moving the net. The whole “pregnant at 17 thing” would be his injury history and how he can’t bend down because he’s had multiple back surgeries. So maybe the back surgeries are the kids in this analogy. Oh well. Shout out to my fantasy basketball team governor for constantly vetoing MPJ being drafted to the Rookies & Vets. If it were completely up to me, MPJ would be drafted in the fourth round, and the image of him looking handsome would be our team avatar. Even a basketball savant like myself needs checks and balances.

When MPJ took that transition shot with his feet just below the three-point line and missed (leading to an easy Suns make), I’m sure Coach Michael Malone wanted to bench him for the rest of the game. If I were in Coach Michael Malone’s shoes, I would just shrug to the rest of my team and say, “Sorry guys, I’m in love. My boy toy can take whatever shots he wants. If any of you try that shit, I’m benching your ass and making it my mission in life to have you released from the Nuggys. Bite me.” Hey, at least my boy toy is a good defensive rebounder. This whole Nuggys team is solid on the boards. Unlike the Sacramento Queens. Something tells me that these Nuggys are well-equipped to handle Looney Tunes’ offensive rebounding witchcraft.

Lord Voldemort is making me smile with how infantile he’s making DeAndre Ayton look. The Dark Lord is taking two full seconds to release three-pointers and Ayton won’t dare contest them because Ayton knows that if he gets too close to Lord Voldemort out at the three-point line, Lord Voldemort will dribble around him, pivot a couple of times, and either get an and1 or spray the ball out to a wide-open corner three-point shooter. DeAndre Ayton is in the torture chamber, and I love watching it as someone who harbors disdain for Ayton’s punk ass.

What’s up with this Ros Gold-Onwude shit? Why is she a sideline reporter? She’s overweight and dresses in clothes from the maternity section of JC Penny. Did Drake go on a date with her and cause her to only eat brownies for breakfast when he quit it? I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask of ESPN to find someone more similar to a young Cari Champion, or Taylor Rooks to be the sideline reporter. Maybe the executives at that network have a fetish for fat Black chicks because there’s another one of Those who I see talk about football when I’m in the mood for indoor cardio at the gym. Get it together ESPN. ABC, NBC, and the rest of those networks have weather broadcasts that double as “Tits and Ass Weather Reports”. Those T&A Weather Reports are much more compelling to watch muted than a bunch of fat chicks talking about dumb sports. No, carpet-munchers like Monica McNutt aren’t the answer. Young Cari Champion, and Taylor Rooks. It’s not difficult.

That Suns-Nuggys game 3 was kind of boring. Devin Booker took away all the interest in that game when he decided to make all those ridiculous shots.

Knicks 🏀(+4) over HEAT 🔥

-They tried to make me go to Rehab but I said no, no, no. I’d rather be at home with Ray. I ain’t got seventy days ‘cause there’s nothing. There’s nothing you can teach me that I can’t learn from Mr. Hathaway. This me, yeah baby, and the rest.

Listen, I know I have a sick addiction to picking against the Heat. I know that I admitted that I need to stop. But here’s the thing, I don't want to live life picking the Heat to cover playoff professional basketball games. You can try to make me go to rehab but I’ll still see the Heat as four-point favorites and think, “No. This Heat team isn’t good! I’m taking the Knicks. The Heat can’t cover EVERY game. They can’t keep getting away with this!”

Obviously, you need to fade me here. The Heat always cover.

Side-note: The “Rehab” song by Rihanna is better than the “Rehab” song by Amy Winehouse. It’s just that the lyrics from the Winehouse version fit better with the ethos of my sick addiction.

LAKERS ⭐️(-3) over Warriors ⚡️

-I’m riding the Frida Kahlo Roller Coaster (FKRC). I’m fading the Lakers after a win, and picking them after a loss. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m just praying for Game 1 Frida Kahlo to make an appearance.

SIXERS 🔔(+2.5) over Celtics 🍀

-The Sixers losing BOTH home games is a lot, even for the franchise that quits like no other. Of course, I can see the Sixers shitting the bed and losing this game, but the Celtics also have inexplicably awful games.

Nuggets ⛏(+3) over SUNS ☀️

-I’m not taking the Suns to cover another game in this series. I’m definitely watching this game. Along with the Lakers-Warriors game. Bestern Conference > Leastern Conference. Sorry, not sorry.

Record: 29-28

Seething at how Devin Booker just doesn’t miss shots now was the rock-bottom moment of my addiction to fading the Heat in the playoffs. 3-1 was right there but no, Booker isn’t missing shots anymore and I have to take the Heat because of all the great songs about rehab. I’m a junkie, and everything I say is a lie, but I’m saying that I’m done fading the Heat. We’ll all see if I’m not completely full of shit when the moment comes to actually pick the Heat, but right now I’m saying I’m done. Getting high off of fading the Heat isn’t fun anymore. The intervention I had wasn’t what I needed. What I needed was seeing Julius Randle try to fight Cody Zeller in a game that the Knicks lost by twenty. Seeing how my stepson Mitchell Robinson shoots free throws was also key in me kicking my addiction to fading this Heat team. How fraudulent are the Cavs for losing in five games to this Knicks team?

This is May. The time of the year when down is up, and I’m too scarred from picking all of these games to make clear, conscionable picks against the spread.

What time is it? It’s NOW O’CLOCK! Thank you, D’Angelo Russell! DLoading! My goodness, he is cooking the Warriors. Are we all supposed to forgive Handsome Squidward for getting obviously outplayed by DLo in these semifinal games? Yes, yes we are. Handsome Squidward got injured, and he has sex with very attractive women, so he gets a pass for being an anvil on Basketball Jesus. Please show Handsome Squidward’s dad more in the broadcast. “Look, this is the guy who sired the Warriors fourth best player. He’s more black than his son. Isn’t this captivating television? The dad is bald!” Handsome Squidward is dragging down the Warriors and it’s not ok. He can’t keep getting away with this!

There’s not much to say about the Warriors from their shitshow on Saturday. Basketball Jesus didn’t play like Devin Booker, so the Warriors got boat raced. That’s really all there was to it. There was a vicious Maple Jordan dunk on Frida Kahlo, but this was a drubbing so all of the Warriors’ highlights will be erased from history. Oh, and Moses Moody is good, and it’s gross negligence how Canary Kerr glued Moody to the bench for the entire preseason so that Canary Kerr could play Anthony Lamb. Moody’s shot looks smooth, he moves well, and he looks large on the court. It’s savvy how Canary Kerr is saying how unjust the firing of Budenholzer is because that distracts everyone from how Canary Kerr didn’t develop Moody but is now playing him when the real games are happening. According to Canary Kerr, coaches never deserve to be fired. Being responsible for growing as a coach, or adjusting to your evolving roster is too much to ask of coaches, according to Canary Kerr. Keep playing Anthony Lamb during the preseason! God, I despise Canary Kerr. He’s wasting Our Congolese Prince.

There was also Adele in the crowd. She got an undeserved close-up. We all want close-ups of Adele! Actually, no we don’t. How has she been a world-famous icon for all this time and still looks like a single mom living on 8 Mile Road who just got done cooking her four kids pancakes in their trailer? How has no one been able to get her on a regimen that made her look less puffy? Adele doesn’t need Rich Paul, she needs a live-in cook.

How high is Bronny James at these Laker games? Gas-mask High, or just Edible High? He has to be faded out of his mind to watch his washed-up dad miss threes and require that spin-move to cleanly get off layups. LeBron Blames is ready to be a good team’s fourth-best player. This was all supposed to be Frida Kahlo’s show but Frida isn’t willing to play two good games in a row. The LA crowd can get all excited about LeBron breaking up fullcourt touchdown passes, but in this space, we won’t kid ourselves. LeBron isn’t quite old and washed up enough to be compared to a dog that needs to be put down, but he’s just a few months away from that stage of his career. LeBron is riding DLo, and Frida Kahlo to wins in the conference semifinals. That’s a rickety ship to sail in.

DLo, Frida Kahlo, and obviously Rui Hachimura. Oh, and Schroder. Those are the Lakers who are beating the defending champions. Not LeBron Blames. Not Austin Reaves either. Austin Reaves isn’t Him. It’s so adorable how the broadcast never misses an opportunity to show Reaves and DiVincenzo when they’re hunched over next to each other. Look! Two Whites are on the court together!

Darvin Ham actually had to switch up the technical foul free throw shooter because Reaves missed two free throws. Schroder wasn’t better though. It’s crazy how Frida Kahlo is the Lakers’ best free-throw shooter. What a world. Speaking of Darvin Ham, he has to be the most hideous-looking coach. You show a picture of present-day Darvin Ham to kids thinking that they want to make a career out of athletics. “Look children, this is what happens to you when you decide to make a living out of a game. You get fat, and you lose all of the life from your eyes.” How did Darvin Ham become a head coach being as ugly as he is? I guess Budenholzer opened the floodgates for gross-looking coaches. Oh, and of course, Tom Thibedoux. Actually, looking through the standings, you realize that you can’t make a list of the top-5 most handsome NBA coaches because pretty much all of them are positively hideous.

That ref who does the television explanations for calls looks like he’s having an exorcism while he’s talking into the camera. The white guy with purple circles around his eyes. He shouldn’t be the ref who talks into the camera. And Mitchell Ervin, number 27, needs to not have that haircut as a ref. It’s almost a mid-top fade, but with a “top” that isn’t flat. I’m not sure of the scientific name for that haircut that Mitchell has, but it pisses me off. That’s the kind of haircut that starts melees.

What happened in the Suns-Nuggys game 4? Devin Booker happened. It’s horrifying watching the Suns as someone who picked the Nuggys to win. It’s so hopeless guarding Devin Booker right now. Booker missed four shots in eighteen attempts! What the fuck! This is the playoffs! Denver should be able to stop THAT from being a regular occurrence! But no. Brucey Brown is just going to foul himself out of the game, and Our Favorite Black Realtor is too small to guard Devin Booker. This is some satanic stuff that Devin Booker is doing. The fourth-quarter strategy of doubling Booker led to Landry Goddamn Shamet making wide-open corner threes. Really, all of the Nuggys should be ashamed of themselves for pissing away the performance that the Dark Lord put on against the Suns in game 4. Let’s go through them!

Aaron Gordon. He’s not making shots outside the key. He’s obviously not impeding either Booker or Durantula from getting 36 points on less than 20 shots. Aaron Gordon needs more low-rent tattoos. The déclassé Japanese characters Aaron has all over his body aren’t cool. Neither is the tramp-stamp he has on the back of his neck. And the side-neck tattoo? Please. Aaron Gordon is not and has never been, about that life. Aaron Gordon is not someone you call when orchestrating a railroad heist, or a bank robbery.

I just want Aaron Gordon to dribble the ball to the rim with some force. Some initiative. But he’s not doing that in Phoenix. Aaron Gordon is not down to ride. Aaron is lucky that we all have DeAndre Ayton to look at for the poster boy of Men Who Play Like Little Boys.

My boy toy Michael Porter Jr. He’s missing lots of shots. He did another transition pull-up three. This time, he managed to keep both of his feet behind the line, but MPJ had no freaking clue that DeAndre Ayton was right behind him. Ayton cleanly blocked that shot and MPJ looked bamboozled. I need MPJ to remind me why I love him, and not make me a black ball of vitriol.

Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray. You’ll look at the stats for game 4 and think, “Limp Dick played well!” Limp Dick did not play well. It is so hard for Limp Dick to cleanly get his shot off agains this nondescript Suns’ defense. It’s disgusting watching Limp Dick back down Landry Shamet and barely avoid getting his stepback eighteen-foot shot get blocked. Limp Dick isn’t quick or explosive with the ball. He’s not dribbling by defenders. Limp Dick doesn’t take contact when he dribbles to the rim. His layups are always really difficult and fouls (rightfully) never get called on Limp Dick layup attempts. What about defense? Lol, Limp Dick is 6’-1” with a Not Donovan Mitchell Wingspan. Oh, and Limp Dick isn’t strong or fast. He’s flaccid. Limp Dick isn’t guarding anyone. I’m getting really angry thinking about Limp Dick, and how disgusting it is that Lord Voldemort has to carry his bitch-ass to title contention. I want to vomit right now. You know, maybe Limp Dick needs another year to heal from his ACL tear that happened five years ago. Because it’s the mental part that you need to recover from, and Limp Dick is so mentally fragile (as he should be, because his game is a scam built on lies), that one single injury can permanently destroy his ability to be a good basketball player. Especially in road games.

Lord Voldemort was yelling at people during one of the timeouts. The Dark Lord had every right to be livid with the overwhelming pile of horseshit around him. Lord Voldemort was doing EVERYTHING and everyone else was busy letting Devin Booker make every shot. Just an abhorrent effort from every member of the Nuggets organization besides Lord Voldemort.

The Suns’ owner really fell down like that from the Lord Voldemort shove? That’s repugnant. The Suns’ owner needs not to be shown so much. I hate that dude and he’s only been an owner for three months.

Stephanie Ready put on a gun show. Shout out to her for not dressing like Ros Gold-Onwude. As a viewer, I appreciate Sexy Stephanie.

There was a woman in a purple shirt and grey cardigan behind the baseline on the Suns’ bench side of the court. She deserved a close-up but only got shown in the background. She stole the show whenever she was shown in the background. That Phoenix crowd reminded everyone why they’re second to white-hot Miami yesterday.

HEAT 🔥(-4.5) over Knicks 🏀

-I guess I’m not full of shit! Here’s to overcoming addiction! Every morning I remind myself that I’m an addict and I will always be an addict. Only then will I have a proper respect for the hurdles I have to overcome to pick the Heat to cover in the playoffs.

Warriors ⚡️(+3) over LAKERS ⭐️

-I’m riding the FKRC and game 4 is a spot where that roller coaster plunges into Hell. A world where this Lakers team goes up 3-1 on Basketball Jesus is hard to imagine. Even with Handsome Squidward being a hot mess and Money Green getting a technical every game.

Record: 30-29

Man, that was a gut punch. I fell asleep before the fourth quarter of the Lakers-Warriors game. I thought a seven-point lead was enough to at least cover the two-and-a-half spread. I wanted to wake up to the feeling of 2-0. That feeling you get when you pick WINNER$. That feeling you get when you kick a crippling addiction and now have a new lease on life. A new mindset where nothing is impossible and you are the master of the universe. You are the one who knocks. But no, that is not how I get to feel today. Obviously, the Warriors had an all-time choke job where they lost a game to Lonnie and Austin Reaves. I watched the Hooper Highlights recap having not known the outcome of the game. The only bit of spoiler that I had was a YouTube poll asking a question about Lonnie Walker IV’s historic fourth quarter. That tidbit inserted a poisonous culture starter of dread in my stomach as I watched that recap. Ugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTemFWadbD0

No one in the world enjoys bagging on the TNT sideline reporter Jared Greenburg for being a fat, sloppy mess more than yours truly. I’m fairly certain of that. Most people don’t bother to feel those kinds of emotions for White sideline reporters with eyes as kind as Jared’s. Most people, I am not. So with that in mind, it would be grossly hypocritical of me not to applaud Chris Haynes for bothering to look attractive doing a job that is mostly about how he looks on the television. Was Chris Haynes wearing dark gray and pink?! That’s a winning color combination! Chris has the same goatee thing going on that dear Jared has, but in Chris’ case, it’s not to hide the shame of pandemic weight gain. Chris Haynes has a BMI that you can hide with a suit. So shout out to Chris Haynes for holding down a menial, highly-compensated gig as a sideline reporter while also maintaining a physique that doesn’t make me think he’s an obese gerbil. Is that Black Excellence?

I want to see a YouTube video of Jared Greenburg crying about how 2020 was such a difficult time for him. How tragedy caused him to start eating his feelings and low self-esteem made it impossible for him to eat less after gaining forty pounds. God, those tears would be so delicious. And people would applaud him for sharing his feelings too. The YouTube video can end with Jared hugging his girlfriend promising to be better. Lmao, Jared is a junkie just like me! And you can’t trust a single word from addicts like Jared and me. You have to watch them prove that they’re capable of living life without their drug of choice every day. Every morning I say to myself that I am an addict. That I will always be an addict. That I have a sick addiction to fading the Miami Heat. That I am one moment away from slipping back into the death spiral of picking against the Miami Heat in the playoffs, and that without an appropriate fear of my weakness, I will go back to being a hopeless junkie. Do you think Jared Greenburg wakes up every morning with that humility? That honesty with himself? I don’t. I’m fading Jared Greenburg in his attempt to look less like type two diabetes. Aren’t there apps where you can wager on whether or not you do something? If the technology existed for ensuring that kind of thing, I would gladly take Jared’s bet on himself avoiding ice cream for a day. Give me the ice cream. Jared can bet on his self-restraint with dessert.

These commercials with Ernie Johnson and Charles Barkley talking into microphones, and looking happy are too much. Ernie Johnson is wearing a lot of bracelets. Does that mean that Ernie fucks? I think that’s what bracelets are supposed to signal to other people when guys like Ernie Johnson wear them. Ernie is such a friendly guy! That’s a White who has more Black friends than White friends! He’s enlightened! He wears Jordan 11s! He probably paid full price for them too! God, I hate Ernie Johnson. There is not a single interesting bone in his body. He’s just going on with life, not saying anything interesting or divisive and smiling that vacant smile of his. In my twisted reality, Ernie Johnson has a White wife and lives on a huge property in Atlanta with exclusively Black help. Ernie only has Black mistresses. Misteresses that he successfully hides from his wife. Those women will be pouring Ernie and his wife afternoon tea and Ernie’s wife will have no fucking clue that an hour earlier, that Black woman had her husband’s nuts in her mouth. Because that’s Ernie Johnson. No one expects a “nice guy” like that to use his wealth and fame to acquire exclusively Black mistresses. Screw Ernie Johnson. His television show is better with the volume off.

The last bit of non-basketball stuff from this Lakers-Warriors game 4 is crowd close-ups. Something tells me that the TNT broadcast does those close-ups more in Los Angeles than in Memphis. Game 3 was Adele and Game 4 was a hot chick whose identity I had no idea of. Kay Adams. I guess she is a host of a television show on FanDuel TV. Kay deserves close-ups. Unlike Adele, Kay Adams is hot and deserves to be famous. Adele deserves to be a faceless SoundCloud artist.

Do you know who’s a real con artist? Besides Canary Kerr. Donte DiVincenzo! Yeah, he made some open threes and had that tough finish around Frida Kahlo, but he is no Austin Reaves. Donte likes to bang into teammates so that he gets credit for rebounds that no one on the other team is contesting. That happened with Moses Moody. There weren’t any Lakers within fifteen feet of Moody, but that didn’t stop DiVincenzo from banging into Moody and causing the ball to go out of bounds (off DiVincenzo) because neither of those two could secure the ball. Canary Kerr sees DiVincenzo do that and thinks, “Oh Donte is just a gamer. He tries!” But when Our Congolese Prince does stuff like that, Canary Kerr benches him and doesn’t play him for a month. There was a turnover in one of the previous games where DiVincenzo stepped on the halfcourt line while dribbling and caused a backcourt violation. I’m sure Canary Kerr forgave him for that too. Let’s see… what else does DiVincenzo do because he’s a repulsive con artist? Oh, he makes a big freaking show of how shocked he is whenever he misses a free throw. Like it’s never happened before, and will never happen again. DiVincenzo does it in such a gross, over-exaggerated way too. There’s a smile that isn’t really a smile. A facial formation that is deeply offputting. “I can’t even” with Donte DiVincenzo. Oh, and his lineup is immaculate. That’s cultural appropriation. Especially when you have the kind of hair that grows upward like DiVincenzo. DiVincenzo is definitely a dude who says “nigga” casually. He doesn’t have the balls to drop a real n-bomb. I hate Donte DiVincenzo.

Handsome Squidward obviously no-showed that game. I love to say, “I’m right”. I’m right about Handsome Squidward being a looter in a riot. The riot is Basketball Jesus’ basketball conflagration. The looter is Handsome Squidward getting the contracts he has gotten because he’s been playing four-on-three basketball for ten years. Hideous stuff from Handsome Squidward. Maybe if the Warriors get a ten-point lead in game 5, he’ll start making threes.

Of course, Jordan Poole was atrocious. He misses layups where he falls down and causes five-on-four fastbreaks for the Lakers. He has inexplicable turnovers where he dribbles and the ball spontaneously bounces off his leg and out-of-bounds. His threes are completely hopeless and shot at inappropriate times. Jordan Poole is tanking this Warriors season and he needs to be held accountable for playing like a weak little retard. Restaurants in the Yay Area need to withhold service from Jordan Poole. When Jordan Poole walks around in public, strangers need to remind him of what an impotent fuckup he is. Jordan Poole will claim that his mental health is built on a shaky foundation and everyone in the world needs to tell him to go kill himself so that the Warriors can escape that contract that they gave him. There should be a billboard in San Francisco saying, “You Matter… Except you Jordan Poole. You need to leave… permanently.”

We’re almost to the part about what Lonnie Walker IV did with the basketball in the fourth quarter, but before that, we need to applaud his defensive effort against Maple Jordan earlier in the game. Maple Jordan had Lonnie on an iso, tried to back him down, but settled for a fadeaway shot. There was no chance of Lonnie contesting it, but the fact that Lonnie got Maple Jordan to attempt a shot fading away from the basket is a win for Lonnie. Maple Jordan missed the shot and Lonnie got the stop. Speaking of stops, Austin Reaves got a bunch of those on Basketball Jesus. Austin Reaves is an excellent defender. Sorry, not sorry. Opponents test Austin and Austin passes those pop quizzes. Austin Reaves is light years ahead of DiVincenzo. Both as a defender and offensive player. Earlier in this series Austin was playing like a little bitch, and I’m happy to see that the Real Austin Reaves has stood up.

OK, Lonnie Walker IV. He used to have a ridiculous haircut because he had an uncle who molested him. So shout out to Lonnie for overcoming that. You Matter Lonnie, unlike Jordan Poole. Made a three-pointer over Maple Jordan to start the fourth quarter. Bailing out LeBron Blames just like Ray Allen did. Beating Handsome Squidward to a loose ball and making the ensuing fastbreak layup. Losing Moses Moody on a Frida Kahlo screen and burying a fourteen-foot jumper from the side. Ice. COOKING Basketball Jesus with the shot-clock winding down and the Lakers down two. That pull-up eighteen-footer tied the game! Pick-and-roll with LeBron Blames screening Basketball Jesus. Maple Jordan had to guard Lonnie and LeBron at the same time, and Lonnie calmly made a one-hand floater. Lonnie was CLOSING the game with LeBron Blames giving him screens! What the fuck?!?!? Jesus Christ, then with less than two minutes left, Lebron sees that Basketball Jesus is guarding Lonnie and throws Lonnie the ball. Lonnie COOKS Basketball Jesus AGAIN and the Lakers take the lead with less than two minutes left! Holy Fuck! Huge shout out to Darvin Ham for benching DLo so that Lonnie could do THAT. My goodness! Lonnie overcame uncle-touching to outshoot Basketball Jesus in a critical playoff game! After being glued to the bench! Are the Lakers winning another championship?!?!?

Of course, I would be derelict of duty to not mention that Frida Kahlo is so goddamn good. His shot is pure and he is a giant human being with agility. Oh, and he can dribble around Money Green whenever he wants. You can shit on Frida Kahlo for always getting injured and falling down too much, but Frida Kahlo is absolutely the best player on the floor in a conference semifinal against Basketball Jesus. The best version of Frida Kahlo is better than the best version of Giannis, and Giannis is thought of as the best player in the league…

CELTICS 🍀(-7.5) over Sixers 🔔

-If you pick the Sixers in this spot, you need therapy and happy pills. Embiid is supposed to have a game befitting of the league MVP and carry the Sixers against the Celtics in Boston. I don’t think that will happen.

NUGGETS ⛏(-5.5) over Suns ☀️

-If you go to therapy because you can’t handle the constant rejection and unmet expectations that life offers you on a daily basis, you’re a soft little bitch. If you go to therapy because you pick the Nuggets and can’t get over the ridiculous shot-making that Devin Booker is doing, you’re a real man.

Record: 31-30

There were too many meek Aaron Gordon drives to the rim and Limp Dick bad shots in the second quarter for me to keep watching game 5 after halftime. Just seemed like a bad game and I was in a bit of a mood because the Celtics are out-quitting the Sixers.

Heat 🔥 (+3.5) over KNICKS 🏀

-I guess I’ll be watching the Heat in the Leastern Conference Finals again. That’s not something I wanted.

WARRIORS ⚡️ (-7) over Lakers ⭐️

-I’ll watch this game but I’m pulling the plug if things get out of hand.

Record: 32-31

No, I do not have anything about that boring Warriors-Lakers game 5. That game ended when Maple Jordan tip-dunked around Frida Kahlo with 9 minutes left in the third quarter.

SIXERS 🔔 (+2.5) over Celtics 🍀

-Umm, maybe I'll watch this instead of Nuggys-Suns.

Nuggets ⛏ (+3) over SUNS ☀️

-Let me feel the agony of picking against Devin Booker while he goes 15-20 from the field.

Record: 33-32

Alright, I’m ready to make this and have it be longer than two sentences. I'm dying to go 2-0, but that hasn't been in the cards. Shout out to the Nuggys for playing proper professional basketball. Shout out to me for being able to stay up past halftime of the late game. Shout out to LITTLE GAME James Harden for reminding me, and everyone else in the world about what an unmitigated disaster he is during crunch time.

As someone who caught the last nine minutes of that epic disaster in Philadelphia, I don’t need Stephen A Smith to tell me that Little Game James Harden is the most fraudulent NBA player in the history of the world. Of course, the volume was muted throughout my viewing of ESPN on streameast, but I saw Stephen’s expression after that Sixers game ended, and I saw how the Sixers refused to score at the end of that game. Stephen looked exhausted. Exhausted from having to watch Little Game James vomit all over himself in the playoffs. It was despicable, and it had all the things that we’ve come to expect from Little Game James. Too much dribbling, feckless drives to the rim where he exposes the ball and has it poked away, step-back threes with the shot clock expiring that you would bet your life on not going in, and lazy defense that fails to contest wide-open three-point shooters. We should all be hurting for Philadelphia today because they had a real shot to go to the conference finals after Tyrese Maxey stole the ball from Jaylen “Tin Man” Brown and got that clear path foul, but Little Game James decided that it was time to throw the game. San Francisco is too chickenshit to publicly castigate Jordan Poole on a billboard, but I have faith that Philadelphia isn’t that way. I have faith that Philadelphia will rally around their shared hatred of Little Game James Harden and give him a proper public shaming. It’s not that he failed when crunch time came, it’s that he lazily quit on life when the game hung in the balance. It’s that he ended the game sitting on his ass with his arms outstretched while the Celtics were running a fastbreak the other way. It’s the facial expression that Little Game James had during that fourth quarter. The look of someone who couldn’t give less of a fuck about what was going on. The look of someone who was ready for this stupid game to be over and for the golden hour of his favorite strip club to start. Little Game James has his jersey retired in strip clubs because he values the Pretend Love that strippers give him, over the slightly less ephemeral adulation that a city gives its sports heroes.

Little Game James was looking at the refs like a child looks at a parent who abandoned them. “Where are you guys, I thought you were going to take care of me?” Gross stuff. The refs actually did try to save their favorite player on the one time Little Game James managed to actually dribble towards the rim with a flagrantly awful foul call on “Big” Al Horford, but the Celtics had their challenge and were able to call out the refs for their nonsense. It was hilarious watching Big Al dive on the floor after the whistle blew because of how obviously bullshit that “foul” was. Every Celtic (and probably every Sixer) instantly knew that it was a bad call.

If playoff officiating is to Little Game James, what an absent dad is to a child, then that foul call on Big Al would be the halfhearted attempt of the absentee dad to meet with their adult child for coffee. Ten minutes into the Mocha Meetup, the dad sees the meter maids driving by the parked cars and remembers that he didn’t put any quarters in the meter so he tells Little Game James that he has to go. Instead of putting money (that he has) in the meter, the absentee dad just drives away. Too disinterested in the adult Little Game James has become to hang out with them for more than fifteen minutes.

You could say that it’s better than having Ben “The Quitter” Simmons, but it’s still an indefinite sentence of failed expectations when you have Little Game James Harden on your team. Failing to get the ball to Embiid when it matters, and throwing up stepback garbage.

Little Game James Harden was jogging around the court like someone who expected the game to restart because things weren’t going his way. Like, you have more than one shot to win a game 6 at home against a team that is much faster, and more skilled at shooting than your team.

You have no idea how disgusted I am with myself for picking the Sixers to cover that game. Last year, I was there to watch these Sixers (besides Maxey) quit on life against the Heat, and I should know better than to take the Sixers’ side when it’s a series-deciding game. Ugh.

Before I forget, this all started with De’Anthony Melton bricking wide-open corner threes with about seven minutes left in the game. When that happened, the Sixers immediately forgot how to play cogent offensive basketball and Jayson Tatum decided to make some threes.

I’m definitely watching game 7 of this dreck, but I’m watching it with excitement for how violently these Sixers will fold. Oh, and these Sixers’ crowds are much different than all the other crowds. A lot more guys dress in funny costumes, and a lot more out-of-shape, ugly women dress like it’s Halloween and their costume is an unapologetic slut. That’s an idiosyncratic crowd!

As for real basketball, AKA Bestern Conference Basketball, thank you Nuggys! Thank you for the crowd of Phoenix reminding me why it’s the second-hottest crowd in the NBA. That lady with the pink glasses was incandescent. I believe she was on the Suns’ bench side of the court. Pink-tinted sunglasses and dyed blonde hair are a winning combination.

That Nissan commercial with the actress from somewhere is getting shown constantly, and I can confirm that the actress is indeed at her hottest when she’s wearing that brown trench coat beside all the model cars. There’s some chicanery going on with the lighting during that commercial, but she is definitely hot irl.

As for the actual game, Our Favorite Black Realtor was freaking awesome. He played that game like he was ready to die in service of Lord Voldemort. Our Favorite Black Realtor is a proper death eater, unlike Aaron Gordon. Aside from perfectly swishing his threes, Our Favorite Black Realtor was driving to the rim with impunity and demanding that Durantula and Devin Booker foul him or cede an easy layup. Durantula ceded the easy layup, and Booker fouled him.

My favorite Nuggets are the Nuggets with Lord Voldemort and a bunch of athletes who run and jump toward the rim with bad intentions. Those death eaters would be Our Favorite Black Realtor, Bruce Brown, Christian Braun, and usually Jeff Green instead of Aaron Gordon. Aaron Gordon is very athletic but he’s soft and mentally fragile. No one goes up weakly with the ball like Aaron Gordon does. He’s someone who “bites off more than they can chew”. Aaron Gordon loves to slowly dribble toward the rim, stop, wait a few moments, and get blocked on the most predictable layup attempt by Durantula or Jock Landale. I guess Aaron Gordon does a respectable job guarding the apex predators like Durantula, but on offense, it’s obvious why Aaron Gordon wasn’t an All-Star when he played in Orlando. I just want Aaron Gordon to dribble towards the rim quickly, and jump as high as he can when he gets close to the rim! It’s not that difficult, but Aaron Gordon doesn’t do that. He wants to look cool doing a two-step on his way to a layup. Whatever. I guess that not everyone can be like Our Favorite Black Realtor during an elimination game.

Do you know what the problem with Limp Dick is? It’s that he is slower, shorter, and physically weaker than Our Favorite Black Realtor, Bruce Brown, AND Christian Braun! Limp Dick was making shots which is never a given for him on the road, but it’s still unfortunate that Lord Voldemort has him as his max-salary running mate.

My boy toy Michael Porter Jr wasn’t good. He was missing wide-open threes and getting the ball poked away on drives to the rim. MPJ might be the worst when it comes to getting the ball poked away on drives to the rim. Three back surgeries will do that to a person. Being able to bend down is important when it comes to shielding the ball from defenders.

Whatever. Thank God that Lord Voldemort has Our Favorite Black Realtor, Bruce Brown, and Christian Braun to make up for Limp Dick, MPJ, and Aaron Gordon all being less than their contracts make them out to be.

Huge shout out to Devin Booker for his annual turd in an elimination game! There was a graphic on the broadcast that pointed out how the Suns have had two of the biggest halftime deficits during elimination games. If you can judge people by their friends, then maybe you can judge Devin Booker for his friendship/professional allegiance with Chris Paul, the Point Fraud.

Devin Booker gets a lot of awful foul calls called in his favor. Things where Booker initiates a bunch of contact, and the refs call fouls on the backpedaling defender. Then when Booker doesn’t get the benefit of the whistle, he throws a huge fit. And, of course, Booker always is in utter disbelief whenever he gets called for a foul. Distasteful stuff from Devin, and it makes me happy that Durantula is voicing embarrassment at what a pitiful performance Booker put on in game 6. This kind of shitshow makes me happy as someone who is super jealous of Devin Booker’s good looks and long-term relationship with the hottest Kardashian (Kendall).

It’s cute that Chris Paul was wearing a backward hat during his annual playoff injury. I wonder what Black businesses the Point Fraud was supporting with his sartorial choices.

DeAndre Ayton obviously doesn’t like basketball, but that collared shirt he was wearing was cool. Good for DeAndre to wear brown and black.

HEAT 🔥(-5.5) over Knicks 🏀

-There will come a moment when I convince myself that I can handle a little Heat fading without letting it turn back into a hopeless addiction. That moment will be during the conference finals against the Celtics. For now, I will be enjoying sobriety.

LAKERS ⭐️(-2.5) over Warriors ⚡️

-Of course, the Lakers have been lucky to have the Lonnie Game, and don’t truly deserve to be up 3-2, but I’m down for the home team up 3-2 in game 6. As clearly evidenced by my picking the Quitter Sixers yesterday. How can two separate teams go up 3-2 and screw up the home Game 6? Maybe Frida Kahlo will be the best player on the court. Maybe. I’m watching this game!

Record: 34-33

No thank you Gabe Vincent for trying to knockout Jalen Brunson and gifting the Knicks four points. That was a killer. God forbid I get one of these close Leastern Conference games right because I’m getting Bestern Conference basketball games correct by fifteen points.

Did I watch the entirety of that Warriors shitshow? No. Did I watch more than three minutes of the third quarter? No. That Lakers-Warriors game was boring from the start and the halfcourt shot Reaves hit right in front of Poole should have been the end of that game. Did I say that Handsome Squidward would make Little Game James Harden look good by comparison? I’m not sure, but I’ll say that I did. The Warriors need to trade Handsome Squidward, Poole, and let Money Green leave if he wants to. Then they need to fire Canary Kerr because he doesn’t have a working relationship with Our Congolese Prince. Whatever. How the heck are the Lakers playing the Nuggets? There should be an unspoken agreement amongst teams that Westbroke can’t play in the league anymore.

Sixers 🔔 (+6.5) over CELTICS 🍀

-I really hate myself for picking the Sixers but game 7’s are usually close. That, and I kind of want it to really burn my soul when Little Game James Harden throws this game in the fourth quarter. Hopefully, Embiid doesn’t get Ebola before this game starts. God, I can see the Sixers refusing to guard President Brogdon and Derrick “Alien Eyes” White on their three-pointers. I can see Big Al killing the Sixers because he’s the only person who’s actually playing with effort. I can see Embiid looking absolutely gassed and crying the second the final buzzer sounds. Jesus Christ, I hate this Sixers team. Why am I picking them? This spread stuff sucks.

Record: 34-34 (freaking five-hundred)

I hate Joel Embiid and Little Game James Harden. If game 7 was anything other than a truly reprehensible exhibition of professional basketball, I would have something interesting to say about it. But that's not what game 7 between the Quitter Sixers and the Celtics was. It wasn't as bad as last year versus the Heat, but maybe that's because I only started watching after halftime, and stopped after the end of the third quarter. After pulling the plug on the Quitter Sixers, I felt hungover. Screw them, and anyone who wears Philadelphia 76ers apparel is a bad person.

NUGGETS ⛏ (-6) over Lakers ⭐️

-I picked the Suns to cover the first game in Denver, and that will be the last time I pick against the Nuggets in Denver.

Record: 34-34-1 (still freaking five hundred)

How can anyone work in the NBA, and not spit in Little Game James Harden’s face when they see him in person? There needs to be a BOLO out for Little Game James. A BOLO that instructs league personnel to shoot him in the leg if they see him. So his contract could be void and I never have to watch him in the playoffs after his team wins a bunch of preseason games because of all the foul shots that don’t happen when the real games start. Little Game James Harden could never be a part of a beautiful game like yesterday’s Nuggys-Lakers game. He’d ruin it with dribbling, step-back nonsense, and off-ball non-movement. God, I despise Little Game James Harden. Penis Head Adam Silver needs to borrow one of Ja Morant’s guns and put a cap in one of Little Game James Harden's femoral arteries. “Listen Little Game James, what you’re doing to this league is reprehensible and I will not stand idly by while you cause Mr. Carson to feel hungover after witnessing your annual playoff quitting. Mr. Carson’s approval means a lot to me and I’m willing to sacrifice you if it means Mr. Carson will smile at me. You don’t understand Little Game James. I love Mr. Carson, and I need his approval. (BANG)” Little Game James doesn’t have to bleed to death, but his gunshot wound needs to be career-ending.

Man, that late run by the Lakers to push that game really hurt my feelings. That game was supposed to be a winner that was never in doubt. Oh well. Mike Malone refused to take Limp Dick out of the game and LeBron Blames mercilessly abused Limpy. That’s what Limp Dick gets for being 6’-1” and playing a game for giants. I would love to pretend that I took the Nuggets laying five and a half instead of six, or that Lord Voldemort actually made both free throws to cover the six. Brilliant job by ESPN to hide all of the upset Nuggets bettors in the crowd when Lord Voldemort missed that first free throw. Ugh. Oh, well. Nothing could put a damper on what beautiful basketball the Nuggets were playing in that game.

Lisa Salters needs to start a school for sports broadcasting. That, or become the new Aunt Jemima. Ms. Salters’ first student can be Ros Gold-Onwude. Ros can start her day off with a course on “shirts”. Just before lunch, Ros can stand in on a half-hour “lip gloss” lecture. After lunch, Ros can listen in on “colors”, before ending her classes with a sermon on “enunciation”. When Ros is done with classes, she can go on a long walk, or do some lunges. She isn’t allowed to not be fit anymore since she’s graduating from the hallowed Lisa Salters School of Broadcast Journalism.

It should embarrass Lisa Salters that Ros Gold-Onwude is such a hot mess on the television. Don’t women help each other? Or is there some kind of vendetta that Lisa has towards Ros for having an African name, and not an African American name? I don’t understand. Lisa Salters has been a fixture on basketball broadcasts for over twenty years despite being Not Hot, Black, Not An Ex-Player, and lowkey chubby. Those colors that Lisa Salters wore yesterday were stylish. Stylish means that they didn’t make me angry (like Ros Gold-Onwude’s geometric shapes dress). They merely made me think, “Oh that’s interesting”. Lisa also goes hard on the lip gloss. She must have the most bedazzled lips among sideline reporters.

What was also interesting besides Lisa Salters’ blending of orange and pink on a black dress, was ESPN’s decision to only do Denver crowd closeups of adult men screaming with their adult men friends. There were lots of hot women in the stands, but nope. Denver needs to be shown as a place where bro’s can go to a basketball game and do ‘roid-rage celebrations after Lord Voldemort's witchcraft. TNT would do a better job of showing the hot chicks in the stands.

The Nissan Lady is no longer the hottest actress in these commercials. That honor would not belong to the lady in the Chime commercial. She’s even hotter than all the cartoon ladies. Oh, and good for Kareem Alien-Jabbar. He gets to scare the American public with his old face in a television ad!

Lord Voldemort is so goddamn amazing! At every huddle, he reminds his teammates, “We get layup”. He just repeats that phrase over and over again. He says it to the other team in his broken English too. Frida Kahlo guards Lord Voldemort out at the three-point line, and Lord Voldemort says to Frida, “We get layup”. Whenever his teammates even think about settling for an open shot, Lord Voldemort just looks at them and they understand. “We get layup”. Then the ball moves around a few times, and the Nuggets get a layup. It’s just incredible watching the Nuggets. Whenever Lord Voldemort gets a rebound and Frida Kahlo is behind him, Lord Voldemort dribbles to the other basket until a Lakers defender stops him, then passes to an open teammate for a layup. Lord Voldemort gets a lot of defensive rebounds, so that happens a lot. Lord Voldemort is in incredible cardiovascular shape. He’s out there running Frida Kahlo like a dog. Frida walked into the tunnel at halftime with his head down. He had to have been gassed at halftime from the dog-walking Lord Voldemort was putting him through. Frida Kahlo had a few spectacular blocks of Lord Voldemort, but whatever. Lord Voldemort doesn’t mind getting his shot blocked by Frida Kahlo. The dog-walking just goes on. It’s sick. Only when Lord Voldemort gets the sense that his opponent’s will is starting to tear, does he start making his open threes. Open threes that come at the end of the shot clock, and/or are impossible shots. That three that Lord Voldemort made over Frida Kahlo had to have been the first time anyone has ever made that shot over Frida Kahlo in Frida’s life. When Lord Voldemort made that shot, I was smiling just like Frida. Lord Voldemort had Frida Kahlo under a Cruciatus Curse for that whole game. Frida was getting it so bad that he got inspired to make a corner three! Frida doesn’t even attempt threes unless he is under serious duress, and a Cruciatus Curse from Lord Voldemort definitely qualifies as serious duress. It’s just wild how Lord Voldemort is running around the court and casting Unforgivable Curses on all the Lakers without celebrating or changing his facial expression in any noticeable way. It’s like he’s solely concerned with playing perfect basketball and influencing his death eaters into unrelentingly perfect offense, and any outward emotions would only cause him and his death eaters to lose focus for the next basket. Très magnifique. All Lord Voldemort does, is occasionally he will inexplicably wipe his mouth with his jersey. A bizarre tick of an obvious genius.

When Lord Voldemort leaves the game at the end of the first quarter, the Nuggets start doing silly stuff like having Bruce Brown take pull-up twenty-footers. When Lord Voldemort re-enters the game after his first rest, it’s jarring how obvious it is that order has been restored. The crowd starts moving and the Nuggets immediately revert back into a cataclysmic offensive machine.

Lord Voldemort is so good, that he is mindfucking Aaron Gordon into making layups and even the occasional corner three! Incredible stuff. Aaron Gordon is an obvious basketball retard, and what Lord Voldemort is having him do is nothing short of magical. If Lord Voldemort were any other wizard, he’d be sent straight to Azkaban for the Imperius Curse he cast on Aaron Gordon. Aaron Gordon sometimes tries to pass on fastbreaks, and that feels like it usually doesn’t end well. Aaron should only try to take two strong steps toward the rim, jump, and violently place the ball in the basket. He actually dunked it during the first quarter and I involuntarily pumped my fist. The game needs to be simple for Aaron. In the halfcourt, he needs to just pass the ball to “that dude” (Lord Voldemort), and on fastbreaks, Aaron just needs to catch the ball, dribble once or twice, and explode towards the rim. Maybe every now and then shoot a wide-open corner three if Lord Voldemort passes him the ball there. Aaron is a dumb basketball player and probably a dumb person. The game needs to be simple for him. You absolutely can not have Aaron Gordon shoot important free throws, because he is guaranteed to miss those.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it. How is Bruce Brown on this team?! Brucey is so good! My goodness that dunk he had was frightening. Just ran right through a set Lakers’ defense and tomahawked that ball through the rim. Gosh, I love me some Bruce Brown. He goes to the rim with bad intentions. You want Bruce Brown running a fastbreak because if no one gets between him, and the rim, Brucey will throw it down with authority. I need Bruce Brown to figure out a way to stay on the Nuggets. Oh, he’s also super jacked. Bruce Brown is a strong man. A strong man, who dunks the ball, and also makes threes! Bruce Brown is so good! Lord Voldemort needs Bruce Brown to stay in Denver.

Limp Dick scored a lot, but he gets targeted on defense by LeBron Blames. As someone who had the Nuggets laying six points, it was unsettling watching Reaves ceaselessly set screens for LeBron Blames so that Limp Dick was switched on to him. Limp Dick was getting upset. Limpy probably thought there was some way to mitigate what an unchecked disaster he was on defense. There actually was a way. That would be taking Limp Dick out of the game. Coach Mike Malone didn’t do that. Coach Mike Malone just sat on the bench with his hand in his pants as Limp Dick allowed Austin Reaves to make wide-open threes, or let LeBron meander his way into and1 layups. Atrocious stuff from Limp Dick during that fourth quarter. And was it Limp Dick that LeBron Blames tracked down on that chase-down block?! That block ended with the Lakers getting the ball because the ball bounced off of the Nugget who got his shot blocked as he ran out of bounds. LeBron has a serious foot problem and is almost forty but he’s still getting chase-down blocks in the conference finals. My goodness.

Limp Dick is the Lakers’ target on defense, and DLo is the Nuggets' target on defense. DLo is helpless in preventing Bruce Brown or Our Favorite Black Realtor from powering their way into and1 layups just like Limp Dick is powerless in preventing LeBron Blames from doing the same. But with DLo, he misses shots on offense, which Limp Dick doesn’t do as much of. DLo had a disturbing plus/minus and you felt it watching the game. He started Nuggets fastbreaks with his midrange misses, and couldn’t prevent a bunch of Nuggets from taking two steps to a layup. DLo was very bad. He loses track of whoever he’s guarding when they don’t have the ball, and that’s a problem because all of Lord Voldemort’s death eaters are trained to run for layups when Lord Voldemort has the ball.

At least the Lakers have Austin Reaves! How did Austin Reaves become the third guy sitting on the bench with Frida Kahlo and LeBron Blames as Darvin Ham tells them what needs to happen in crunchtime?! Austin Reaves is obviously the Lakers’ third-best player! They came back to almost cover in that game because Austin Reaves refused to miss threes in the fourth quarter! Oh, and Austin Reaves absolutely punked my boy-toy MPJ on that inbounds play that the ESPN broadcast missed in real-time. The broadcast actually misses gameplay with the replays that don’t end in time for the game to be shown as it's happening. That seems like a bad job by ESPN. Besides that screw-up, MPJ was actually pretty good on defense. His first block was retribution for Reaves throwing him on that inbounds and the second block was on Hachimura during the fourth quarter. Hachimura continues to be a sharpshooter. It’s amazing how he’s making shots in every playoff game after toiling away in the nation’s capital.

This series is just a joy to behold and I can’t wait for game 2. All hail Lord Voldemort!

Heat 🔥(+8) over CELTICS 🍀

-We’re getting close to the point where I foolishly convince myself that I can handle fading the Heat. That point will be game 3 in Miami. Until then, I’m blindly taking the Heat to cover. Especially game 1 because teams coming off of a game 7 usually don’t cover against the more well-rested team in the following series. It sucks that these games are on right now. They’re going to have no chance at living up to these Nuggets blitzkriegs that happen on ESPN, the company that doesn’t require its sideline reporters to have cosmetic surgery or require its camera people to find the hot chicks in the crowd.

Record: 35-34-1 (Back on road)

“Penis Head Silver, what are you doing in Montpellier?!”

“Looking for you, of course, Joel.”

“Umm… ok. Hey, isn’t it crazy how Little Game James went missing last week? I’m in the process of grieving. I really appreciate all the league-sponsored therapy that you instituted when you took over as commissioner. Even here in France, it’s easy to use those funds for a licensed therapist. I know it’s a long road to normal but I’m putting in the work to get there.”

“That’s great Joel. Anything for mental health. Hey, Joel, do you love your wife?”

“Ummm… of course I love my wife! She’s a model. Everybody loves my wife. Why are you asking this Penis Head Silver?”

…

“What’s that in your hand Penis Head Silver? Wait a minute, it’s summer in the South of France! Why are you wearing gloves?”

“Joel, I love my wife, and I love the two kids that I waited until I was forty to have. I love them and everything I do is for them. What I do, is lead the biggest basketball league in the world to the zenith of prosperity. The more money that my league makes, the more money that my homely, white wife can spend on interior design and private schooling for our two daughters. It’s enough that I have to work with a bunch of monkeys like you Joel. My daughters will not be dealing with the challenges that come from living with your kind.”

(Joel is panicking now. Panicked, and catatonic.)

“Joel, last week, I borrowed one of Ja Morant’s guns and shot Little Game James in the leg. It wasn’t my plan to kill him, but Little Game James was bleeding too much. He lost too much blood. I must have punctured a femoral artery. No, it’s ok that you don’t know what a femoral artery is. That’s not important. What’s important is that I disposed of Little Game James’ body in a way that prevents any kind of CSI case from leading back to me. We won’t be dealing with Little Game James’ annual playoff foibles anymore. What we also won’t be dealing with anymore is your annual excuses and playoff pratfalls. We’ve had enough of your nonsense. There will be no more of it. Your family will be taken care of, Joel. Arthur will have nothing but the best.”

(BANG)

Some of the best things to read about sports are the anonymous opinions of professionals working in sports. The Anonymous Scout, Coach, or Manager. When they’re anonymous, there’s a mysticism to them. Everything they say becomes shrouded in mystery and intrigue. They're still a bunch of schlubs who have retarded themselves by surrounding themselves with people who work in the false reality of sports entertainment, but when they allow themselves to speak freely, sometimes the words that come out of their mouth are at least mildly interesting. Yours truly was reading one such article where an Anonymous Scout with an obvious mental handicap was talking about the Miami Heat possibly facing three-point shooting regression because they didn’t make a lot of three-point shots during the preseason. Now, the Anonymous Scout called it the “regular season”, but he was talking about the preseason. He (not she, women are too smart to be Anonymous Scouts) doesn’t understand that the regular season became the preseason when the 73-9 Warriors lost in the Finals to LeBron Blames and Kyrie Swerving. Even with anonymity, he can’t bring himself to admit that everything besides the playoffs is a lie. Obviously, the Anonymous Scout doesn't pick every game of the postseason against the spread, keep track of his record, and write the thots in his brain to a bunch of people who he swindled into giving him their email. If he did that, he would know that you don’t pick against the Miami Heat, or say that what they’re doing this year is a “fluke”. He would know the pain of fading the Heat and he would know better than to bring up the preseason as to why the Celtics would run roughshod over the Heat. If the Anonymous Scout had any self-respect, he would understand that what he’s doing with his life is deeply meaningless and can be done by people who watch the games (and highlights) on their computer, and don’t waste years of their life flying on a plane or going to team meetings where the superfluous minutiae of basketball are endlessly pontificated on. The Anonymous Scout doesn’t have self-respect, so we can all read his anonymous opinions, and then look back on them and laugh because he’s a big dummy. A big dummy who doubts Himmy Butler!

It was so nice to see my ghetto lovechild Robert Williams III! I’ve missed my son! Duncan Robinson threw the ball off Bam “Nigerian Chupacabra” Adebayo’s back and thought he had an open three from the top, but my ghetto lovechild has an eight-foot wingspan and would’ve blocked Duncan’s three if he didn’t change up his shooting motion. My ghetto lovechild contests threes like no other. Maybe Frida Kahlo, but I feel like my ghetto lovechild is even better at blocking threes than Frida. Maybe my love for my son is blinding me, but that’s how I see it. When I drive my ghetto lovechild around Boston, I’m constantly reminding him how much I love him and that he’s the best. I love my ghetto lovechild! When Marcus Smart and Jayson Tatum are throwing lobs to my ghetto lovechild, I don’t feel like throwing those two in the gulag, which is how I usually feel about those two faggots. Speaking of Marcus Smart, I usually skip mentioning refs, but that foul call that Marc Davis called on Caleb Martin for that "push" on the Smart missed layup was hot dogshit. So hot, that I have to mention it. Last year, Marc Davis made that ridiculous "charge" call on the Andrew Wiggins posterization of Lord Luka Doncic in the Bestern Conference Finals, and Marc is back on his bullshit in the Leastern Conference Finals. Coaches always need to save their challenges when Marc Davis is involved because he will call the most obvious nonsense. I don't believe Spoelstra used a challenge. He needed to use it with that Caleb Martin "foul".

Do you think that my ghetto lovechild is like my stepson (Mitchell Robinson), and can’t make free throws or even attempt them without making you throw up in your mouth a little bit? Well, if you do, then you’re dead wrong. I love my ghetto lovechild, and I’ve taken the time and effort to teach him how to make free throws. My ghetto lovechild will not be like all the others who are typecast as gorillas who miss free throws and can’t pass the ball as part of a coherent offensive system. The Celtics get stuck in the mud offensively because Jaylen “Tin Man” Brown, Marcus Smart, and Jayson Tatum are all selfish people who are constantly fighting an inner battle to pass the ball. Not because my ghetto lovechild is a black hole who never passes. That’s not my son!

How did the Celtics fuck up that third quarter? I watched that, and I’m not really sure. I know the Heat started making a bunch of threes, but I’m not sure how the Celtics' offense stopped. There was a very funny moment during a Celtics timeout where the Celtics’ coach threw a clipboard. Since I’m a professional lip-reader, I was able to see what Coach Joe said. It was something along the lines of, “Fuck all of you idiots. I’m done with this shit. Al, tell fucking Jayson to start making shots. Marcus, stop turning over the ball! Fuck!” That was fun, seeing that unvarnished moment from the Celtics.

Before the mini offensive explosion from the Celtics in the third quarter, there was a Kyle Lowry heater that occurred before halftime. That was wild. Seeing Kyle Lowry take and make transition threes is not something I expected to see in 2023. I guess Kyle Lowry, NBA Champion, is back. The guy who slit the throat of Those Warriors in game 6 of 2019. I’m happy for Kyle.

Guess who else was swishing transition threes? Kevin Love! I guess this Miami Heat team is mentally conditioned to can all their transition three-point attempts on the road! What a time to be alive!

The broadcast replayed Kevin Love’s outlet pass a bunch. Whatever. Lord Voldemort throws those passes like a water polo player, and seeing Kevin Love do them with two hands feels staid. It was an absolute dime, but something tells me that StanVan and the rest of the bunch on the broadcast were going a little too hard on the circle-jerk for Kevin Love outlet passes. Besides swishing transition threes, and throwing two-hand outlet passes, Kevin violently slams into the Celtics who are trying to get offensive rebounds. Kevin had a moment where he slammed his body into my ghetto lovechild that made me upset. My ghetto lovechild isn’t a flopper so he didn’t fall down, but if you were playing pickup basketball and threw your shoulder into someone while trying to get a rebound like Kevin Love did there, you would instantly start a fight.

The Heat made over half their threes! Part of that is because the Celtics do dumb things like leave Max Strus open in the corner, but another part of it is that Caleb Martin is a legitimate shooter. I guess he wasn’t that before he became a Heat player but Caleb Martin is really good. He doesn’t feel hopeless guarding Tin Man or Tatum, and he makes threes. That’s a really good player! I discounted the Heat because I wasn’t familiar with how good Caleb Martin is!

It’s time. Time to mention HIMMY BUTLER! I’m dangerously close to getting a “White Hot” Miami Heat shirt because Himmy Butler is picking off Celtics’ fourth-quarter passes like a football player. People who pick off passes like Himmy does are certified thieves. I know it when I see it. Himmy reads people and predicts their actions. Himmy is a mind-reader. A mind-reader who saw those Big Al and Jayson Tatum fourth-quarter passes coming a mile away. Six steals from Himmy! The one that basically ended the game on the Tatum pass was because Tin Man isn’t a smart basketball player. Tin Man has to be constantly reminded to move his stiff hips when he’s off the ball and Himmy is standing in the passing lane. Tin Man is no one’s idea of an intuitive basketball player. If Tin Man had a brain, he would know that he shouldn’t be going one-on-one against Himmy during the fourth quarter. Tin Man tried that and guess what happened?! Himmy poked the ball away and started a Heat fast break! Most of Himmy’s steals lead to Heat fast breaks.

The steal of Big Al earlier in the fourth quarter was Himmy reading Big Al’s mind and intercepting a pass to Tatum. That was beautiful stuff from Himmy.

When Himmy isn’t taking a blow torch to the Celtics’ offense, he’s making clutch step-back fourteen-foot fadeaways over Marcus Smart’s meaningless contest. Those transition threes that the Heat never stop making, evaporate in the fourth quarter, and when they do, Himmy comes to the rescue with stepback midrange shots that he takes after sending his defender skidding toward the rim with his atlas shoulders. Himmy Butler is that guy, pal.

Payton “P Rabbit” Pritchard played! Finally! His white sock/white shoe combo was elite. Shout out to P Rabbit. When the Sixers get the cap relief from Little Game James’ disappearance, they need to sign P Rabbit and start him with Maxey.

This Heat-Celtics game 1 was entertaining! I can’t believe the Heat played a conference finals game that wasn’t an absolute shit show! What a time to be alive!

NUGGETS ⛏(-5.5) over Lakers ⭐️

-Are people really betting the Lakers here?! Because that’s what I’m intuiting with this spread being lower than what game 1 closed at. I understand that the Nuggys made a bunch of stupid threes in the second half, but I can’t imagine the Lakers beating the Nuggets in Denver. Of course, I can’t wait for this game. Bestern Conference Basketball!

Record: 35-35-1 (freaking five-hundred… again)

Another excellent playoff basketball game between the Nuggys and the Lakers turned into another losing pick because Limp Dick couldn’t make all his free throws at the end of the game. That stung.

This Denver crowd is extremely attractive. ESPN does its best to ignore that plain fact, but you can sense it even when the camera is focused on Lord Voldemort wiping himself with his jersey arm-hole. The crowd might be hotter than Phoenix’s. There wasn’t anyone with dyed blonde hair and pink-tinted glasses, but there was that lady behind the baseline of the Lakers’ side of the court making the finger guns after Lord Voldemort scored. She gets a gold star for what she’s doing.

Rui Hachimura also gets a gold star for making his first eight shots and being the best player (by far) during the first half. A while ago there was some fake dialogue between Rui and me about me trusting him to make shots. I did not expect my endorsement of his shooting touch to turn into him being better than Lord Voldemort and Frida Kahlo for an entire half of playoff basketball. Someone is going to say that Rui is doing this for Kobe and his basketball daughter, and that article is going to do major numbers. What Rui is doing is confounding. Is he going to stay in Los Angeles? Is Jeanie Buss going to start an OnlyFans so that the Lakers can afford to pay the luxury tax after resigning Rui and Austin Reaves? It’s important that the Lakers keep those two because they would be getting blown out in Denver without Rui Hachimura and Austin Reaves. Imagine saying that to someone before the season!

“Hey, I know things look bleak for the Lakers because they have Westbroke on their roster. Don’t worry though. When the playoffs roll around, Westbroke will be banished and the Lakers will have Rui Hachimura and Austin Reaves keeping them competitive against the Healthy Nuggets.”

Tobias Harris has never done the things that Rui Hachimura is doing now and look at the contract that Tobias Harris has. Ditto for Ben “The Quitter” Simmons. You can play that game with a bunch of people in the league because what Rui Hachimura is doing in his signature Jordan’s is not something many players have done. That would be scoring twenty efficient points, while also being large and agile on defense. Rui isn’t a target on defense like DLo or Limp Dick. Rui Hachimura is a large human being! Oh, there’s another player who has never done what Rui Hachimura is doing, and parlayed that mediocrity into bookoo bucks. That person would be Harrison “Black Falcon” Barnes. The guy who catches an STD (scared to death) every postseason.

There aren’t any pictures on the internet of Rui Hachimura’s dad, but he must be purple because his mom is a normal-looking Japanese lady. Does this mean that Yuta Watanabe is going to sign with the Warriors and start playing like a super-saiyan because he’s with “his people”?! Rui Hachimura has been so good that I had to find out how the heck a player like that came from Japan. There was some African Dad chicanery involved, but Rui was legitimately born and raised in Japan. Somehow the Asian culture didn’t bleach out the sparkling basketball talent that is Rui Hachimura. Wow. I’m in shock.

ESPN showed Austin Reaves’ parents on the broadcast. I’m not sure if it was game 2 or 1. It could’ve been either because Austin kills it every game. Austin’s family must have given approval to ESPN to do that. Approval that Rui’s family did not grant. What’s that George Bush term about different expectations leading to prejudice? I guess it’s just, “soft bigotry of low expectations”. George W needed a guy for naming his ideas. He also needed a federal program to fund White basketball players in America and call it “No White Left Behind”. What’s happened to the state of domestic White basketballers is shameful. I’m sure there are many other people like me who would have never let a bad word be said about any president who helped make more Austin Reaves’ and less Donte DiVincenzo’s. The White basketball culture in America is almost as toxic as the Japanese basketball culture. Still not close to the sludge in China, but still in a reprehensible, embarrassing state. Remember Kevin Huerter? He tanked the Queens’ playoffs against that shitty Warriors team. Kevin Huerter is no Austin Reaves.

Anyways, temporal broadcast fame is prioritized for Whites who make the NBA. If they make it and make shots like Austin Reaves, their parents get shown on the broadcast because holy fuck, what kind of incredible Whites could be talented enough to sire a child who scores in the NBA playoffs. LeBron Blames’ mother (Gloria) has never been shown on a broadcast. Yes, Austin’s mom looked hot. Much hotter than Gloria James.

In game 1, I think Austin went 4-5 from three, and I said to myself that it probably wouldn’t repeat. That was correct, but the regression went to five for nine instead of two for nine. Austin Reaves is no DLo. DLo has never come close to performing like this in the CONFERENCE FINALS. Austin Reaves is so freaking good! He’s developing an obvious beef with my boy-toy MPJ. They need to fight when the series is almost over. Austin Reaves needs to get in an on-court fight. There’s probably language in the collective bargaining agreement preventing Penis Head Silver from fining guys making $500,000 a year like Austin Reaves. Does the NBA not sell Austin Reaves jerseys or shirt jerseys to the public? Because I’ve never seen one in the wild and Austin Reaves is an American Hero.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. That there’s no way that LeBron Blames could be considered good when all he does on defense is not move to contest threes when his guy sets ball screens. Yes, LeBron Blames’ was targeted on switches in the fourth quarter. Yes, LeBron took six threes, and every Nuggets backer (🙋🏼‍♂️) had absolute confidence that those three-point attempts would not go in. Yes, LeBron Blames tried to do a two-hand reverse dunk and threw the ball out of bounds. LeBron Blames was really good! He’s thirty-eight! How?!?! He still got two blocks! Now, he didn’t leave the ground for either, but those blocks were still on Lord Voldemort, and both of them led to fastbreaks! Most of the Lakers’ blocks lead to fastbreaks, and when DLo isn’t on the court to turn those fastbreaks into missed transition threes, good things happen for the purple and gold.

LeBron’s four (FOUR!) steals also led to easy offense. LeBron is out there at thirty-eight years young and wreaking havoc on defense. Just outstanding stuff on the defensive end from the King. He’ll quit reading a book after two pages, but he won’t quit on defense! That was simply an outstanding game from LeBron Blames despite his inability to switch on the perimeter or make a single three-point shot.

The box score would lead you to believe that Frida Kahlo was bad, and I guess he was, but he’s still a frightening defensive player. 108 points is a low total for this Nuggets team. At home especially. Give the lion’s share of that defensive credit to Frida Kahlo. That block that Frida Kahlo had on the Limp Dick three-pointer was sensational. You can’t convince me that Frida is better at blocking threes than my ghetto lovechild, but you also can’t convince me that Frida is a close second place.

Limp Dick? Limp Dick! Limp Dick’s blue pills finally started kicking in during the fourth quarter. Limp Dick was fucking so hard, that he got my boy-toy excited. So excited that he committed a Julius Randle Inbounds Violation (JRIV) that exasperated Lord Voldemort. Forgive my boy toy, sometimes gang bangs get too intense for him. Now, my boy toy did make a three during the fourth-quarter orgy, but yes, that inbounds violation probably cost me the Nuggets cover. Somehow Limp Dick makes every three that he takes over LeBron Blames. Sometimes that happens with certain defenders. LeBron Blames gets Limp Dick hard. LeBron also steals a bunch of passes that Limpy tries to throw over LeBron, so I guess Limpy needs to make every three over him to atone for all those turnovers.

Bruce Brown is out there making threes and finishing fast breaks where no one gets between him and the rim. Austin Reaves and my boy toy are developing a healthy distaste for each other, while Brucey and DLo are fostering hatred that is obvious and getting next-level. Not Himmy Butler-Jrue Holiday, but approaching it. Brucey was mock-clapping after DLo got what had to have been his first block of the series. Something tells me that Brucey is reminding DLo that he is a target on defense whenever Brucey finishes a layup through him. I’m sure when Brucey makes threes, he points to DLo and says, “That’s on your head!” just like Himmy Butler did to Jrue Holiday. God, the Nuggets need to keep Brucey. The league needs Lord Voldemort to have proper death-eaters. Not death-eaters who can’t get hard for their girlfriends on Instagram Live.

Aaron Gordon tried to make a pass during a fast break again. Guess what happened? A turnover happened. I was right about Aaron Gordon needing to not pass the ball during fast breaks. Hopefully one of the seven coach’s sons on Coach Mike Malone’s staff can tell Aaron Gordon to stop passing the ball on fast breaks. I read a legitimate basketball article quoting Aaron Gordon saying that he needs to “improve his basketball IQ”. Only retards say shit like that. How do you improve your basketball IQ? Is he doing sudoku puzzles while dribbling a basketball with his left hand? Is he just reading books in an effort to get smarter in general? No chance Aaron Gordon reads even as much as LeBron Blames. Now, I love when Aaron Gordon takes his time around the rim and dunks that basketball, and I believe that Lord Voldemort can win the championship with Aaron Gordon, but Aaron Gordon is a big dummy. A big dummy that Lord Voldemort will just have to accept because there aren’t a lot of adequate replacements for what Aaron Gordon does on defense. Maybe the Nuggets can kidnap Patrick Williams from the Bulls.

These Bestern Conference games are just a joy to watch and we’re all blessed to have them!

CELTICS 🍀(-9) over Heat 🔥

- I’m fading the Heat before game 3 in Miami. There’s a crazy stat about home teams who cover game 2 after losing game 1. It would be insane if Miami shot over fifty percent from three again.

Record: 35-36-1 (don’t trust the process)

Sources just revealed a security tape detailing the Vulcan mind-meld that Himmy Butler put on Caleb Martin before the playoffs started. While Himmy was doing this, Erik Spoelstra was in the room just watching. Erik has seen this before and he’s there in case Caleb has a psychotic break. Sometimes that happens, and the Heat can’t play that player for an extended stretch. An approximate transcript:

Himmy: “You begin to feel a strange euphoria… your body floats…”

Caleb: “Yes… I begin to feel it.”

“Open your mind… we move together… our minds sharing the same thoughts. What is our name? Who are we?”

“We are Caleb Martin.”

“We are. We do not miss layups of any kind. We make open and contested threes. After we make our contested threes, we put our hand in our face to illustrate to our opponents that we are never fazed. We move the ball and move our ass. We lock down Jayson Tatum’s bitch-ass.”

“We are Caleb Martin.”

“Yes. Yes. Yes.”

“We are Caleb Martin.”

“We will always be Caleb Martin. 2023 Leastern Conference Champions.”

Himmy releases Caleb from the mind meld. Caleb wakes up from his sleep state to find himself on a hospital bed with Himmy Butler and Erik Spoelstra standing over him. A newfound confidence is surging through his body. Nothing is said, everything is known. Caleb is now programmed to destroy the Boston Celtics. Any time, any place. Caleb is ready to go to war with Himmy Butler and lay waste to the Leastern Conference.

Also released to Wrongbomb was the song that Himmy Butler was singing on the bus ride to the private airport in Boston which the Heat flew back to Miami out of. There was a giant cardboard cut-out of Jayson Tatum which Himmy was looking at while he was rapping along to the lyrics. We’re just filled to the brim with cutthroat sources who are ready to illegally share private, recorded moments of professional basketball teams. Shout out to our supporters.

🎶I could never have a kid, then be out here still kiddin’ round

Boys playin’ around, where you really wanna take it now?

Fake fucked with me back then

But it’s gettin’ hard for you to fake it now

Himmy Butler, young Tatum, I invented you

I got the keys to the streets

You got the keys to defeat

I got the keys to the warzone

You got the key to the peace 🎶

Himmy Butler does some light alterations to Drake bangers. Caleb Martin wasn’t rapping with Himmy. Every moment that Caleb isn’t annihilating the Pretender Celtics, he’s just silently sitting down. Mentally rehearsing the next dog-walking that he is going to put Jayson Tatum through. Only when the war is finished, can Caleb Martin speak audibly outside of a game.

Have I said that I can’t freaking believe what happened in Boston yesterday? Guess not. Well, I can’t freaking believe what happened in Boston yesterday. That was the kind of loss that tears apart a franchise. The kind of loss that inspires a fan base to picket outside a practice facility and demand that one of their “max” players get traded. Jesus Christ, Caleb Martin really outplayed Jayson Tatum and Tin Man in a must-win game 2 in Boston. What a time to be alive!

In the first round against the Fucks, Caleb Martin made a contested three over Giannis Antetokounmpo and did a “hand in the face celebration” after making that shot. That was the moment that Caleb Martin became Himmy Butler’s true henchman. The moment when it all became real to everyone, Caleb Martin included.

Sometimes people do things and that becomes their new reality. This happens to non-professional basketball-playing guys with things like asking out certified nuclear weapons while totally sober. If you walk up to a girl who is in the upper .1% of attractiveness, tell them that you think they’re attractive, and ask if they’re single while talking with the tone of someone saying that they need a bag at Trader Joe’s, the brain chemistry inside you changes. Nothing scares you anymore (as long as you’re sober). That’s what happened to Caleb Martin after he made that three over Giannis. That’s what happened to Gandalf the Grey after he fell into the pit with that creature. Complete mental transformation. Enlightenment. Caleb Martin is Gandalf the White.

Did I say that Caleb Martin was a killer in game 1? Did I give Rui Hachimura my blessing after one of those games against the Grizzlies? I might be picking LOSERS, but I’m doing an excellent job identifying burgeoning basketball talent. Caleb Martin might still move around like a newborn dear sometimes, but he’s not missing layups and he rarely misses threes. He’s also not taking those ridiculous “heat check” shots that skew the shooting percentages of players and provide statisticians with credible evidence that “the zone” doesn’t exist. “The zone” exists, it’s just that people start taking dumb shots after they enter it, and then they leave “the zone”.

So, yeah, in case you didn’t know, Caleb Martin is better than Jayson Tatum and the Tin Man. If you didn’t know that before, now you know. Join the club because I wasn’t familiar with that fact of life before yesterday either.

And, ummm, HIMMY BUTLER. Himmy absolutely closed that game by making every fadeaway midrange shot that followed shoulder-checking Grant “Pygmy Hippo” Williams into the basket. Pygmy Hippo will get a lot of shit for talking mess with Himmy. Don’t be fooled. Pygmy Hippo was only the second Celtic to play with any heart yesterday. The other obviously was my ghetto lovechild. I don’t raise fake fucks like Jayson Tatum. You can go to battle with my ghetto lovechild because I raised him to fight through adversity. Caleb Martin’s only three-point miss was when my ghetto lovechild contested one of his shots that turned into an airball. Anyways, back to Pygmy Hippo. He moves his feet well on defense, gets strong rebounds, makes open threes, and moves the ball on offense. Pygmy Hippo is good and that Celtics coach should be banished for glueing Pygmy Hippo to the bench during this playoffs. Don’t besmirch Pygmy Hippo for going to battle with Himmy Butler and getting absolutely embarrassed. It happens when you play basketball at the highest level. You get savagely dunked on. Pardon Pygmy Hippo. Castigate fake-ass Jayson Tatum.

Back to Himmy! Himmy absolutely closed that game out in a savage, Kawhi Leonard-level, Hall Of Fame way. That was God Level. I absolutely bought a “White Hot Playoffs” Heat 2023 shirt as soon as that game ended. After the game concluded, TNT sideline reporter Allie LaForce was almost as excited as Rachel Nichols to interview Himmy Butler. Everyone wants to suck off Himmy Butler right now, myself included. Himmy Butler is absolutely a top-3 NBA player at this moment in time. Maybe Lord Voldemort is the only one better. My goodness. I LOVE HIMMY. Oh, and Malcolm “President” Brogdon is getting mercilessly abused every time that he switches on to Himmy Butler for a defensive possession. President Brogdon isn’t a bad defender, but he’s helpless against Himmy.

It’s the playoffs and Duncan Robinson is making threes over the outstretched arm of fake-ass Jayson Tatum. Duncan wasn’t doing that during the regular season, but I’m sure Himmy put a Vulcan mind-meld on Duncan and now he’s making the most difficult three-pointers that you can take. The Heat have Duncan Robinson as a Competent White (CW), and they have Cody Zeller as another CW. Cody Zeller doesn’t get toasted on the perimeter like Kevin Love does, and Cody Zeller is a beast on the offensive glass. Cody Zeller would be the best rebounder on the Celtics if he played for them. That hurts to say because my ghetto lovechild tries his hardest but he’s just not as strong as Cody Zeller.

Of course, we have to mention that Gabe Fucking Vincent helped Himmy Butler ice the fucking game with a stone-cold midrange swish during Crunch Time. Yeah, Gabe Vincent makes shots during Crunch Time. Now you know not to besmirch Gabe Vincent’s name.

Nigerian Chupacabra is getting Grown Man Rebounds (GMR) and he’s also making shots. Oh, and Nigerian Chupacabra had a nine-to-one assist-to-turnover ratio yesterday. Nigerian Chupacabra is safely off the trade block. Sorry Queens fans who thought they could parlay Saboner into the Nigerian Chupacabra.

Kevin Love should be called for fouls when he slams his body into my ghetto lovechild when he’s battling for rebounds, and he should also not play one more second in this series if fake-ass Jayson Tatum is in the game. Fake-ass Jayson Tatum was hunting Kevin during the third quarter and Kevin Love can’t prevent fake-ass Jayson Tatum from getting layups. Five turnovers from fake-ass Jayson Tatum can be forgiven with the offensive efficiency that he had. Yesterday was not on fake-ass Jayson Tatum’s head. It was on Tin Man’s head.

Only two turnovers from the Tin Man. Lots of misses though. Tin Man was shaky with the ball and it affected how he moved into shots. Everything was difficult for the Tin Man yesterday. Is Brad Stevens going to trade the Tin Man for Trae Young? The Tin Man just wants to march for black justice. Tin Man doesn’t want to be a professional basketball player, he wants to lobby for racial equity. You have to admit it though, Tin Man has some awesome braids. Remember when he did that flex during the third quarter of game 1? Hopefully, that image can be broadcast every which way after the Celtics trade his civil-rights ass.

Nuggets ⛏ (+6) over LAKERS ⭐️

-This feels dumb but I don’t have any incentive to pick WINNER$ because my record is shit and I can’t pretend to be a competent prognosticator. I’m not going to just stand here and take the Lakers when they are favored by a larger margin than the Nuggets were in game 2 in Denver. Sorry, not sorry.

Record: 36-37-1 (still dogshit)

Somehow the Lakers getting out to a ten-point lead in the first half wasn’t disconcerting. Maybe subliminally I understood that LeBron scoring thirty in the first half wasn’t a sustainable source of offense. That, and the Nuggets were getting buckets even with LeBron playing like the best thirty-eight-year-old of all time. Chet Holmgren gets a Lisfranc injury and misses the season. LeBron Blames gets the same injury, takes two weeks off, and then straps DLo on his back and marches to the Bestern Conference Finals. LeBron can talk big about not caring that he dragged this team to the conference finals, but we can all recognize that this Lakers’ campaign was wildly successful.

In the time it took you to read that first paragraph, Brucey Brown finished another fastbreak layup after jumping through DLo. Something tells me that Brucey is fully aware that DLo signed a $117 million dollar contract while he signed a one-year contract for less than seven million. That doesn’t make sense to Brucey, or me. Who signed DLo to that contract? Bob Myers! Yeah, the Warriors needed to keep something called a “salary slot” when the Durantula decided to hitch his wagon to Kyrie Swerving. Does Bob Myers bring this up when he’s in contract negotiations with Joe Lacob? Probably not. We all know that DLo turned into Maple Jordan and Our Congolese Prince so Bob turned it around, but my goodness that was an insane decision.

In game 3 against these Nuggys, there was a Lakers possession where Reaves passed to DLo for a wide-open three that he missed. The Lakers got the offensive rebound and that turned into another clanked three from DLo. That felt backbreaking at the moment. In game 4, DLo made some shots but not threes. Who wants to sign that dude when he’s going to be upset with an inevitable pay cut? It’s NOW o’clock for DLo to accept the fact that he’s signing for less than one-tenth of his previous contract.

Speaking of Reaves, there was a dude sitting courtside (not facing the broadcast camera) who was wearing a Reaves shirt. Maybe the Lakers would have won if LeBron ceded the final possessions to Austin Reaves. I’ll write that again. Maybe the Lakers would have won if LeBron ceded the final possessions to Austin Reaves! The reason that the Lakers were scoring in the fourth was Austin Reaves. Austin has been killing the Nuggets for the entirety of the series. He’s crafty, and he makes threes. Those foul calls that he gets are deserved. How can Austin accept anything less than what DLo signed for when DLo was traded to the Warriors? If Rudy Gobert has the contract he has, what will Austin Reaves get? Probably less because he’s white. Seriously, Austin Reaves is so freaking good! An irresponsible opinion of mine is that he’s better than De’Aaron Fox, and while that’s irresponsible, it’s not insane. Austin is bigger than Fox, and as a free throw shooter, Austin is light years ahead of De’Aaron.

One thing that is positively undeniable is that the combination of Frida Kahlo and Austin Reaves is better than the combination of Saboner and De’Aaron Fox. I understand that Frida missed a lot of shots in game 4, but you will not hear me besmirching the excellence of Frida Kahlo. The blocks he gets are ridiculous and Limp Dick made a miracle layup over him that might have been blocked. Frida Kahlo has been so good on defense. Yes, he let Aaron Gordon get off a couple of threes. Whatever. Two blocks on Lord Voldemort, the latter being an incredible effort in the deciding moments of the fourth. One block on a soft two-foot layup attempt by Aaron Gordon who was clearly petrified that Frida Kahlo was in his pursuit. Gordon took off too far away from the rim to dunk it off two feet and Frida rejected that soft mess. I think my ghetto lovechild might be the only other player in the NBA who could’ve done that block to Aaron Gordon there. Frida also doesn’t miss free throws. If you look at the effort of the rebounders during ultimate free throws, you understand who people trust to make their freebies. Austin Reaves doesn’t try at all on free throw box outs for Frida Kahlo's free throws. That’s because Austin is smart, and knows Frida will make it. The same can not be said for Lord Voldemort’s effort on Aaron Gordon's free throw attempts. Every Nuggets player sees Aaron Gordon’s eyes. They know he can’t handle pressure, and that he doesn’t enjoy the spotlight.

Jesus Christ, Tristan Thompson played ten minutes in this game. The refs let him get away with fouling, but TT was better at defending dribble handoffs than LeBron Blames. Limp Dick was guarding TT because the Nuggets wanted TT to be the one shooting the ball. It’s insane that the Lakers' ship didn’t sink with TT playing meaningful minutes. That was insanity.

What was also insanity was all the foul calls the Lakers were getting in the first half. I believe I’ve only mentioned officiating before when Marc Davis called that obviously dogshit call on Caleb Martin for “pushing” Marcus Smart on a blown layup. This game also featured Marc Davis, but it was Ref 23 who seemed to be the one represented by Klutch Sports. According to the website that tries to make these referees seem like regular people, Ref 23 plays the piano. Thats nice. His favorite TV show is “Power”, so he’s racist because there’s no reason for that to be anyone’s favorite tv show unless they’re some kind of covert black panther. His favorite book is “Quiet Strength”. That sounds like non-fiction which makes sense. Creativity and imagination aren’t things you look for with basketball officials. Ref 23’s favorite food is steak and lobster, and his dream vacation destination is Dubai. Both of those things mean that Ref 23 is someone who is easily manipulated by advertising and marketing. People who want to visit Dubai have bad taste in travel destinations. Maybe Ref 23 just likes how women aren’t allowed to show their faces in public over there. Steak and lobster is your favorite food if the thing you care about most is how other people perceive you.

Ref 23 was shown laughing with Lebron which isn’t something I appreciate during a conference finals game. In the preseason, that’s fine but when it's the real games, refs need to not be chummy with anyone. For those three hours, they need to be assholes and angry. Not jovial and chatty.

LeBron Blames might have been a worse defender than TT, but he was obviously excellent despite his typical bricked fourth-quarter threes. That first half he had was sensational. It’s crazy how sometimes LeBron gets those layups where he outraces everyone to the basket. He’s thirty-eight! It's also crazy how he walked Aaron Gordon to the baseline with his elbow on Aaron’s throat and didn’t get a technical foul. They both probably got techs but LeBron should’ve been castigated more than Aaron Gordon for that altercation. LeBron was moving Aaron Gordon like a boy, and LeBron was moving everyone else (besides Lord Voldemort) however he wanted. LeBron Blames is a very strong person.

Dennis Schroder made three threes, and he has a fun chemistry with Austin Reaves. If you haven't watched Schroders GQ video where he talks about his travel essentials, you should probably do that. It’s crazy watching Dennis speak in German despite the fact that he’s purple. Dennis has a white wife, he makes threes deep into the playoffs, and he doesn’t turn the ball over. I’m a fan of Dennis Schroder!

I’ve been giving Aaron Gordon a lot of guff for being a retard (and getting humiliated by a soft dunk attempt against Frida Kahlo) and having really awful tattoos, but Aaron Gordon absolutely won the Nuggets this game. Frida Kahlo dared Aaron to make threes, and Aaron obliged. Aaron also helped the Nuggets get a bunch of second-chance points. Aaron also didn’t turn the ball over which he is wont to do. He also blocked LeBron’s layup attempt at the buzzer to tie the game. Aaron Gordon was phenomenal despite his free-throw handicap. Oh, and there was a possession where Aaron got the ball near the basket with Austin Reaves on him. Aaron attacked Austin with a ferocity usually absent from Aaron Gordon. I believe that possession ended with Reaves fouling Gordon, and Gordon missing the second free throw.

My boy toy MPJ was missing a lot, but he did still manage to make some threes. That wasn’t the good part of my boy toy’s effort yesterday. Some of the rebounds he gets are Grown Man Rebounds (GMR). Boy Toy seemed like he was getting all the contested rebounds late in the game when the Nuggets were praying for Laker misses. Boy Toy isn’t just an amazing shooter. He’s a multi-faceted basketball player.

I’m done thinking about fake trades for Limp Dick. He refuses to have free throws that are anything but perfect swishes, and he’s finishing layups over Frida Kahlo. Limp Dick is a noble death eater, despite being a below-average adult actor.

Lord Voldemort! My goodness, he is the best player in the world! He made another impossible shot over Frida Kahlo. I believe Marc Davis thought that shot was a two despite it obviously being a one-foot three-pointer. Shout out to Marc Davis. Lord Voldemort also made that layup at the end of the game with two Lakers (one being LeBron Blames) firmly strapped onto his back. Lord Voldemort inserted his will on everyone at the end of that game and it was frightening. He even let out a scream when Aaron Gordon had that and1 dunk off Lord Voldemort’s dime. It’s unreal how late in the fourth quarter of these close playoff games, Lord Voldemort is still dining up his teammates for dunks/layups. No one else does that. Three blocks for Lord Voldemort as well. I guess he protects the rim. He’s definitely a better defender than LeBron is right now.

The ministry has fallen. The Minister Of Magic is dead. They are coming.

The Ministry Has Fallen - Bill And Fleur's Wedding Scene. Harry Potter

HEAT 🔥(-1.5) over Bitch-made Celtics 🍀

-It feels like every year I lose picks riding the Celtics and fading the Heat. Even when I make a big deal about overcoming my crippling addiction to fading the Heat, I still find a way to pick the Celtics over them. Well after having watched the first three quarters of game 3 (and having picked the Celtics), I’m so done with this Celtics team. That crossover that Nigerian Chupacabra had on Tin Man before that dunk was so nasty. Nigerian Chupacabra also almost killed Fake-ass Jayson Tatum on a dunk attempt but Fake-ass Jayson Tatum managed to foul him enough to force a miss. Gosh, I despise the Celtics (besides my ghetto lovechild of course). Who's better Caleb Martin or Tin Man? Jk, obviously Caleb Martin. Tin Man needs to be traded to Portland. They have civil rights marches over there I believe. Tin Man would love it.

Record: 36-38-1 (I hate you, and I hate me)

Watching the Heat play like a true eight-seed and lose that game to these bitch-made Celtics felt like losing a Horcrux. No, Jimmy, you are not going to beat this Celtics team taking tough midrange fadeaways when they’re making threes. That was painful. Credit to Tin Man for ending that game with the and1 he had in the fourth quarter. Credit to Pygmy Hippo for making a bushel of three-point attempts. When Max Strus threw that dunk down, I was feeling great but the Celtics decided to play like a professional basketball team and pass and move their asses on offense. Mark me down as someone who doesn’t believe in them continuing their professional effort from game 4.

At the beginning of that godforsaken game, it seemed like Himmy, Nigerian Chupacabra, Kevin “American Eagle” Love, and Max Strus would allow me to wear my “White Hot 2023 Playoffs” Heat shirt, but nope, that’s not happening. Unlike Philadelphia people, I don’t wear professional sports paraphernalia when the team makes me vomit in my mouth the preceding day.

The Heat Coach and Celtics Coach are very different with the vibes they give off on the sidelines. The Heat Coach looks like an older brother that doesn’t like who his sister is “entertaining” in her room. Especially when the Heat Coach crosses his arms. When he does that and combines it with his frantic eye movement, he looks traumatized and frantic, but also powerless to change his circumstances. So shout out to the Heat Coach for being against “entertaining”.

The Celtics Coach looks like a street mime who is mute. He looks like an alien that is trapped in a human body and doesn’t know how to talk. If I was sitting courtside, I would be annoyed when the Celtics Coach walks in front of me. He does it all game, and it doesn’t feel like there’s any point to his movements. The Celtics Coach feels like a child who was physically abused by his drunkard dad for the entirety of his childhood and now can’t walk around without thinking that anything could bring back the beatings.

Yeah, neither of these people looks like healthy adults while they’re captioning their vessels. Phil Jackson, these two coaches are not. What happened to coaches just taking a seat and watching their teams while sitting down, with god forbid, a normal freaking face?! Nope, I guess they all have to look and move, like tweakers, in 2023. That’s unfortunate. The only time that coaches should be on their feet during a game is when they have to get the officials' attention to call a timeout, or when they’re conducting a huddle during a timeout. This whole “feeling the game” nonsense that they think they’re doing while walking around is poppycock.

TNT had their hottest sideline reporter hot on the case for this game. How old do you think Allie LaForce is? If you said thirty-four, you would be correct. She looks like a woman who is twenty-eight but looks thirty-eight. It’s her eyes. Allie LaForce looks like someone who has aged in dog years because, for every waking moment of her life, she has truly suspected every stranger of having murderous intentions for her. That, and suspecting that every hotel she’s stayed at, has had secret cameras recording her. It’s tough to be a woman.

Allie played collegiate basketball despite not being a carpet-munching dyke, so shout out to her. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: she’s the hottest sideline reporter in the game. Sorry Stephanie Ready, but it’s not really close. Maybe there is a local sideline reporter who’s hotter, but I don’t watch the preseason so I don’t take the local broadcast team members into consideration.

I’m not really sure what Allie talks about during her TV Time, but I know what she should be talking about! First of all, all of these sideline reporters need to be women. That’s a prerequisite for having these broadcasts be improved upon. That’s because what these basketball reporters should be talking about is what they see from these players which makes them think they’re men who are good at sex and/or attractive. Not what the coach is telling his team during huddles, or how badly an ankle is sprained. Women should be empowered to give opinions and takes!

As someone who is not a woman, my guess as to who the best heterosexual lover is between these two teams is Gabe Vincent. Shocking, I know. Two things. The first is how strong his hands are. Gabe Vincent is always taking the ball away from opponents. In boxing, I think the term is “heavy hands”. Gabe Vincent could give you a black eye, but also squeeze you in a way that makes you scared for your life, but also excited beyond belief.

The second thing about Gabe Vincent that makes me think he’s a hit with women is his free-throw shooting. There is zero doubt in Gabe Vincent’s mind when he walks to the free-throw line. That’s a guy overflowing with confidence. The absolute opposite of Aaron Gordon. Gabe Vincent has to be the guy I trust most at the free-throw line from these playoffs. The top 5 guys who I trust at the free-throw line from these playoffs have to be (in no particular order): Gabe Vincent, Limp Dick, Devin Booker, Basketball Jesus, and Frida Kahlo (!!!). Apologies to Austin Reaves.

Some other things that make me suspect a guy of being a competent lover are diming up teammates. Like Lord Voldemort, not Rajon Rondo. The kind of playmaking that isn’t just assist-hunting.

Another thing would be “persistence vibes”. Mainly, that thing Lord Voldemort does when his opponent starts increasing a lead and he finds a way to get a layup to keep his team in the game. A general sense that you can’t knock a team of his out of the game. Someone who doesn’t let a game get out of hand. Fake-ass Jayson Tatum would be at the opposite end of this spectrum.

Yes, I think Lord Voldemort’s wife is a happy woman.

Oh, and another thing that would really improve the television product of playoff professional basketball would be eschewing any shot of Penis Head Adam Silver sucking off Bob Iger during the game. It’s asking too much of Penis Head Silver to sit down, shut the fuck up, and enjoy a playoff game of the sport he’s in charge of. He needs to be hobnobbing with Important Executives while the games are happening because he doesn’t like basketball. Penis Head Silver likes moving his hands and talking. Dennis Schroder and I were both raised in German households and we both have zero patience for imbeciles like Penis Head Silver who emphasize their words with hand movements. God, I’m going to randomly (and involuntarily) think about how Penis Head Silver was moving his hands while talking to Bob, and squeeze my hand in a fist because of how hot my blood will be boiling. Penis Head Silver needs to have another job.

But back to that soul-sucking game 4. Gabe Vincent plays much stronger than his diminutive size would lead you to suspect. Of course, he gets away with fouling on defense, but he doesn’t get moved like Limp Dick does on defense. Gabe Vincent usually guards Tin Man, and while that’s been working out well for the Heat during the first three games, it didn’t work yesterday.

Gabe Vincent tweaked his ankle and Kyle Lowry replaced him. That was bad news bears for the Heat because Kyle Lowry was missing every shot he took yesterday. Seeing Gabe Vincent sub back in for Lowry was mildly shocking because it’s Gabe Freaking Vincent, but also because you felt like it was important for the Heat to have Gabe Vincent in the game because Gabe Vincent makes shots, and also dribbles the ball by his defender for layup opportunities. It was funny seeing Kyle Lowry clap it up when the Heat got the deficit to five points in the third quarter. Kyle legitimately thought there would be a comeback of the non-fake variety. Nope, sorry, Kyle. That was a Fake Comeback.

Gabe Vincent is dynamic with the ball in a way that other Heat players are just not. Yes, Himmy Butler is great, but he isn’t quick like Gabe Vincent.

Himmy Butler gets layups that make you think he’s stronger than everyone else on the court. Not faster. I’ve seen Himmy Butler with bigger arms before. This version of Himmy is the version that could run marathons, not do bicep curls with fifty-pound dumbbells.

Himmy is obviously incredible, but in yesterday’s contest, it felt like all his shots didn’t have enough juice to go in. Most of his shots felt like they were all hitting the front rim of the basket.

For Caleb Martin, game 4 was just another day at the office. Caleb still makes every layup he tries. It’s getting to the point where he might be better than Kyrie Swerving at layups. Sacrilegious, I know. Caleb Martin is just an excellent offensive player, and it’s insane that the Heat signed him to a below-market contract through the summer of 2025.

There was a point in game 4 where I wondered if Duncan Robinson was better at shooting, moving, and passing than Tin Man. That didn’t last long, but it happened. Shout out to the Tin Man for positioning himself to sign a three-hundred-million-dollar NBA contract.

I think the nice thoughts I had for Duncan Robinson, ended when Derrick “Alien Eyes” White blocked one of his three-point attempts. Alien Eyes was making his threes and blocking shots. Yes, blocking shots. As in multiple Heat attempts. Alien Eyes can’t prevent the Celtics from vomiting on themselves, but sometimes Alien Eyes is really good. Yesterday was one of those times.

The Celtics as a team seemed to be blocking lots of shots. They made the Heat seem like a bunch of fifteen-year-olds playing against eighteen-year-olds. Maybe the ability to make the Heat look prepubescent is why the Celtics were overwhelming favorites entering this series and why Tin Man is going to get traded to the Portland Trail Blazers after the Heat win the series.

Fake-ass Jayson Tatum was great, and that’s all the detail that will be said about him.

My ghetto lovechild was excellent. I was a proud papa watching him play yesterday. Besides him missing the first free throw he attempted. I raised my ghetto lovechild to be better than that. I raised my ghetto lovechild to not miss free throws in the hopeless manner in which Tin Man misses his free throws.

God, that game was painful to watch and I’m thankful it’s over.

Heat 🔥(+8) over CELTICS 🍀

-Do you really think that I’m going to take the Celtics to cover another game in 2023? I’m not. Surely, they’ll cover a couple more games before losing. The Celtics live to make me feel pain.

Record: 36-39-1 (this hurts)

Alright, there's blood everywhere on the floor and I’m fading in and out of consciousness due to the Celtics stabbing me in the gut, but I’ll pull through and make this.

Yesterday the real Celtics stood up, and the real Heat sat down. Game 5 lasted six minutes, which is how long games usually last when it’s the Leastern Conference Finals. Competitive, entertaining games aren’t something you can expect from the Leastern Conference. You can expect one team to come out, make a bunch of shots and submit the other team in half a quarter. During that first quarter, there were some close-ups of Heat Coach talking to his assistants, and that conversation was recorded (and leaked).

Heat Coach: “Hey Assistant, the Celtics are making shots, passing the ball, and moving their asses on offense. Alien Eyes is shooting like Ray “Cutey Patootie” Allen. This feels tenuous.”

“Yeah, Heat Coach, I confer with your assessment of our circumstances.”

“Well fuck, Assistant! Thanks for conferring! You fucking slapdick dumbass! I come to you for solutions to hard problems! Now, tell me how we are going to get out of this maelstrom! I don’t employ you to be a blind Yes-Man. If you want your kids to stay in the Miami school district, you are going to give me something that I can act on and have everyone tell me what a genius I am after the game, and you’re going to do it right fucking now.”

“Of course, Heat Coach, sorry. Uhh, let's take out American Eagle. He’s missing every three, getting toasted on defense and not getting every defensive rebound. And let’s put in… Haywood Highsmith. Yeah, Haywood will make you look smart. I’ve been watching Haywood practice and he’s ready.”

“You better hope this fucking works. If we lose by twenty, you and your dipshit family are being sent to Houston.”

Yeah, safe to say, American Eagle was atrocious, and I’m not sure why he starts. Yes, the Celtics don’t really target American Eagle on defense but I’m not sure that American Eagle does anything well on the court. He had an isolation possession where Alien Eyes was guarding him, and his Heat teammates were high off their supply because they all thought that American Eagle could get an easy basket with Alien Eyes guarding him. What happened with that matchup, you ask? Oh, well American Eagle caught the ball, which was good. I guess American Eagle is good at that. Catching the basketball. Following that clean catch of the basketball, American Eagle tried to move Alien Eyes under the basket while American Eagle faced the opposite direction. A classic post-up. There was a big problem though! American Eagle isn’t strong like LeBron Blames, or Lord Voldemort! American Eagle doesn’t move other professional basketball players on a whim. So after American Eagle had a few perfunctory dribbles toward the basket, he realized that he wasn’t getting anywhere. Did American Eagle pass the ball and admit that what was going on with Alien Eyes wasn’t good? No. No, he did not. American Eagle took it upon himself to take a fadeaway midrange shot with Alien Eyes draped all over him. It was a pitiful sight. That was the shot that you begrudgingly allow from the fifty-year-old on your pick-up basketball team. The fifty-year-old who isn’t completely washed and still capable of even attempting a field goal. You let him have one of those shots at the beginning of the game, and pray that it means he’ll turn that shot allowance into two defensive rebounds, or god willing, a steal.

Yeah, American Eagle sucks. Obviously, he is extremely handsome and I would consider myself a happy guy to look as good as American Eagle at the age of… thirty-four?! Wait, American Eagle has THAT amount of gray hair at thirty-four?! Jesus Christ! That’s aggressive aging. No wonder all the juice in his lower body is gone. Three years ago, American Eagle decided to focus on being a male model instead of a competent basketball player and now he’s swindling Heat Coach into starting him, and playing him meaningful minutes. For shame. American Eagle is lucky that Celtics Coach believes that having American Eagle get switched onto Jayson Tatum, will bring back the paternal beatdowns of Celtics Coach’s childhood. That’s the only explanation for why the Celtics don’t implement the Find American Eagle offensive strategy. Because their coach thinks that his dad will give him two black eyes, a kick to the testicles, and a fractured larynx. Yeah, Celtics Coach’s dad was one of those Blacks who stuck around but rued it. So he took out his regret on Celtics Coach by implementing blunt force trauma.

Yeah, Heat Coach needs to stop with this nonsense. Stop playing Kevin “American Eagle” Love when the game is in the deciding moments, please. Love is something that the Jews invented to more effectively market and sell stuff so that they wouldn’t have to work like the Mexicans. Love is not something that you institute in order to slay the Boston Celtics in the Leastern Conference Finals. Love is something you depict in advertisements so that people buy monetarily inflated clothing.

Am I done with American Eagle? No.

Heat Coach’s sister’s boyfriend needs to have a friendly conversation with Heat Coach. Sister’s boyfriend needs to calmly walk out of Heat Coach’s Sister’s room and ask Heat Coach to share a carafe of coffee with him. Their conversation should go something like this:

“Hey Heat Coach, I know you’re going through a tough playoff run. How are you feeling?”

“Cut the shit, Sister’s Boyfriend. I hate your guts and I’m not going to pretend that we’re friends for one second.”

“Yeah, I understand. Alright, well I have a proposal. How about for one night, you can fall asleep peacefully. You know, without having to hear the sounds your sister makes when we’re going at it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, sure. Umm… so… yeah. How about you get a break from that in exchange for not playing American Eagle for one second of game 6?”

“Screw you Sister’s Boyfriend. I’m the coach of the team, and I MAKE THE DECISIONS.”

“Dude, I don’t care who gets credit. It’s just that my dad calls me and bitches about how washed American Eagle is, and I’d like to do my dad a solid and help you make the right decision to play Haywood Highsmith and Cody Zeller in lieu of American Eagle.”

“Fuck you Sister’s Boyfriend.”

“Alright, talk to you later I guess, Heat Coach.”

The Heat Assistant Coach told Heat Coach to play Haywood Highsmith over American Eagle, and my goodness. Haywood Highsmith is good! I know you’ve never seen him play before because I’ve never seen him play before, but he had a fastbreak layup that he finished despite Jayson Tatum trying to chase him down. That’s a play you make if you belong on the court. Haywood Highsmith belongs on the court and it’s a shame that American Eagle plays over him. Oh, and Haywood Highsmith isn’t just an athlete. He makes threes also. Haywood Highsmith is a fun name, but the player who has that name is a quality NBA player that belongs on the court of a Leastern Conference Finals game.

Allie LaForce got to be the Important Sideline Reporter for this game! She got to interview both of the coaches between quarters. I wasn’t paying attention to what she was talking to Celtics Coach about between the third and fourth quarters, but I caught her conversation with Heat Coach between the first and second quarters. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I’m a professional lip-reader, so despite the fact that these games are muted, I understand what Allie talks about with the people she interviews.

“Hey, Heat Coach! I’m so excited that I get the chance to talk to you! Usually, the coaches I have to talk to are ugly retards like Tom Thibedoux. You’re… like… the only hot coach. And I’ve seen the pictures of your wife. She’s hot. You must be comfortable talking to hot women. Ugh, guys are all scared to talk to hotties. It sucks. Anyways, Heat Coach, how do you feel about my outfit?”

“Hey, Allie, great to catch up. Umm… yeah, I think my wife is hot. I love her. As far as your outfit is concerned, yeah, it’s great. I love the red suit. It’s way better than whatever that cherubic mound of dough Ros Gold-Onwude wears. Can you believe she wore that Shapes Dress during that one game?”

“THANK YOU, Heat Coach! I appreciate your validation of my clothing decisions! Yeah, Ros is a total slob. All of us at Turner talk about what a shitshow the outfits are that Ros Gold-Onwude puts together. Hey, Heat Coach, we’re in Boston. What hotel are you staying at?”

“I’ve talked to you about this before Allie, but I’m not having this conversation on tv.”

(Allie is smiling) “I know! I just wanted to get a rise out of you! Anyways, good luck with your game Heat Coach! I’ve played basketball before, so I know that it’s not good when one team has a much higher score than the other team. You’re probably not happy about that, but just know that I’m rooting for you Heat Coach.”

“Thanks, Allie.”

Allie winks at Heat Coach. They have an arrangement for road games. An arrangement that doesn’t exist for games in Miami. Heat Coach doesn’t put his wife through that. Heat Coach has the decency to conduct all of his extramarital affairs outside the state of Florida.

There were a couple of things from this officiating crew that deserve to be mentioned. The first is a Thank You to Marc Davis for calling a technical foul on Jayson Tatum in the opening moments of that game. Jayson Tatum has needed to get called for his nonsense for three weeks, but none of these scared, little basketball officials have had the stones to call a technical on Tatum. These refs are all pussies. The players know it, and I know it. All the refs just want to keep their jobs and not be competent. Competent basketball referees would hand out technicals for the nonsense that these star players do. But these refs are scared to through players out of the game. It’s gross to watch. Once Tatum got that well-deserved technical, there was less bullshit from Tatum. It’s almost like he didn’t want to get a second tech. Money Green uses his first technical as a license to start acting even more insane, but Tatum takes the first one and then acts like an upstanding citizen for the remainder of the contest. So credit to Marc Davis for not being a little bitch, and having a backbone. Most of these refs are invertebrates.

The second officiating thing that needs to be mentioned is that the referee who had an exorcism made a gross foul call on Duncan Robinson that resulted in free throws for Marcus Smart. Marcus Smart tricked Marc Davis into calling a foul on Caleb Martin when Marcus blew an easy layup, and Marcus Smart tricked Exorcism Ref into calling a foul on Duncan Robinson. These refs need to stop getting duped by Marcus Smart for shooting fouls. Marcus misses shots. Marcus Smart is no Gabe Vincent. When Smart misses shots, it’s not because he probably got fouled. It’s because Marcus Smart just isn’t very good at putting the basketball through the basket. Especially when Marcus is close to the basket. Somehow, I trust Marcus Smart to make open catch-and-shoot threes, but with layups, Marcus Smart is no Caleb Martin. Marcus was making a bunch of threes yesterday, but I believe that the percentages that Marcus Smart has from three are poor. I’m not supposed to like it when Marcus Smart shoots threes, but I like his shot. Sue me.

Marcus Smart moves around like someone who has had too many surgeries. Also, Marcus Smart should have a very short haircut. This green mess on his head is unsettling. Marcus got five steals in game 5. As someone who looked at all five of those steals on NBA.com, I know that there was some chicanery in that steal count. Smart was credited with a steal for poking the ball away before halftime. That’s not really a steal. Smart got a steal from diving on the floor. That’s prototypical Marcus Smart. Throwing his body around and tricking people into thinking that he should be Defensive Player of the Year. There were a few steals that happened from Smart having heavy hands and poking the ball out of Heat player’s possession (Kyle Lowry and Nigerian Chupacabra). There was also one where Himmy Butler did a bad dribble handoff and Smart (smartly) intercepted the ball. Marcus Smart doesn’t get steals because he’s athletic or reading the opponent’s mind. Marcus Smart tricked an entire voting body consisting of flaccid sportswriters to vote him as the best defender in the NBA. He’s not that. On his own team, he might not be a top-5 defender. For my money, that list on the Celtics would be (in descending order): My ghetto lovechild, Jayson Tatum, Alien Eyes, “Big” Al Horford, and probably Tin Man. Although if the refs are swallowing the whistle, Pygmy Hippo would take Tin Man’s spot in that top-5 (whoo).

Let’s talk more about that game. Himmy Butler was weak again. Himmy’s shots barely got to the rim. Did Himmy Butler have too much sex after his first three games? Because he’s been awful for the last couple of games. To put in context how bad Himmy Butler was last game, Duncan Robinson, Haywood Highsmith, and Caleb Martin were obviously better than Himmy. Unacceptable stuff. Himmy needs to wake the frick up.

I texted my Grandpa saying that American Eagle must play because the Heat has no one else who is that size. I forgot about Cody Zeller! Cody Zeller is good! Yesterday he was better than Nigerian Chupacabra and of course, American Eagle. Cody Zeller has touch around the basket, gets lots of GMR (grown man rebounds), hits free throws, and can kind of move his feet on defense. Cody Zeller deserves to be in the NBA!

You can look at Nigerian Chupacabra’s shooting percentage and think that he was good. He wasn’t. In the meaningful part of that game, Nigerian Chupacabra was awful. Missing shots. Turning the ball over (six turnovers). Sweating more than you thought possible for a human being. Just looking small on the court. Nigerian Chupacabra has been good but in game 5, he was so bad.

It’s time. Time to acknowledge the biggest lesson from that game.

That’s Jayson Tatum! That’s the dude who I saw last year and said to myself, “that guy is top 5 in the league!” The stats say that Tatum was missing all his threes. The stats also say that Tatum had nine assists. Tatum was responsible for the Celtics moving the ball around on offense like a good team! Tin Man can not pass like Jayson Tatum. That’s why Tin Man isn’t as good. Sometimes Marcus Smart will pass the ball around, but no one on the Celtics is capable of driving to the basket and passing out of a collapsed defense like Jayson Tatum. The Celtics need Jayson Tatum to pass like he passed yesterday. I don’t remember the lineup that the Celtics had on the court when they looked most dominant. I just remember that it didn’t have Tin Man in it. Tin Man mucks up offense with his mental retardation. Yes, I know that he went to Cal. I don’t care. Tin Man is a retarded offensive basketball player. I know that I swore off hypothetical Limp Dick trades, but that was from the Nuggets’ perspective. I’ll allow myself to think about Limp Dick trades if the other team is the hypothetical proposer. Would the Nuggets consider a Limp Dick for Tin Man trade? Of course not. But would the Celtics propose that? Probably. I never thought that there would come a day when I considered Limp Dick more “valuable” than Tin Man. What a time to be alive.

My ghetto lovechild was excellent. He blocked a three from Himmy Butler. When my ghetto lovechild blocks threes, we go out for ice cream after the game. When my ghetto lovechild blocks threes from the opponent’s superstar, we go out for banana splits. Last night, we went out for banana splits. My ghetto lovechild really like the cherries that they put on those things. I love my ghetto lovechild. When Celtics Coach only plays my ghetto lovechild eighteen minutes in the game, I tell Celtics Coach that I’m going to beat him like his dad used to. Celtics Coach used to think I was just saying that to say it, but now he knows that I’m not screwing around when I say stuff like that involving my ghetto lovechild. Celtics Coach still does that shit with my ghetto lovechild because Celtics Coach is too mentally overwhelmed to remember that my ghetto lovechild needs to play more than twenty-five minutes. My beatings are less frequent now, but just as violent as ever. Some people just aren’t capable of learning advanced concepts like playing your good players more than your less-good players. Celtics Coach is one of those people. You know that Celtics Coach has a learning disability when he leaves his starters in the game deep into the fourth when Heat Coach is playing American Eagle, Haywood Highsmith, Duncan Robinson, Caleb Martin, and Kyle Lowry. That was an obvious white flag from Heat Coach that Celtics Coach had no clue about.

Game 5 was watchable because the Celtics were playing excellent basketball. Despite Duncan Robinson and Caleb Martin’s best efforts, the Heat have no chance of winning if the Celtics play like that. By the way, Duncan Robinson is diming up his Heat teammates when he’s on the floor! Duncan Robinson is an offensive weapon! OK, I’ll stop talking about Duncan Robinson.

HEAT 🔥(+2.5) over Celtics 🍀

-Fuck you.

Record: 37-39-1 (1-800-GAMBLER)

Is your game MVP like Steve Nash, or is it doggy doo-doo like Himmy Butler? Seriously, there can not be anyone in the world more disappointed in the dogshit that Himmy has been feeding us over the last three games than yours truly. That includes Rachel Nichols. Himmy is acting like a charlatan and while it will never be on the level of Little Game James Harden, it’s repugnant.

The best-case scenario unfolded in game 6. The Heat covered, but the Celtics won. The Celtics absolutely deserved to win that game. We’re going to game 7! We have another opportunity to give this stupid Celtics team another middle finger and pick the Heat to cover! Yay!

Nothing is guaranteed. Sometimes, you can do everything right like Alien Eyes’ dad, and things still won’t work out perfectly. Mr. White got an IT job, married a white woman, and made perfect mixed babies, but Alien Eyes still has Alien Eyes. Alien Eyes is no Derek Jeter. Despite that extraterrestrial complexion, Alien Eyes OUTPLAYED Himmy Butler in a Leastern Conference Finals elimination game! What a world! Alien Eyes just needs people to believe in him and he turns into a dead-eye sniper who blocks shots. According to Wikipedia, Alien Eyes is only the second person in the history of the world to have made a game-winning shot with his professional basketball team facing elimination. The other being Jordan.

Allie LaForce interviewed Alien Eyes after the game, and she looked happier to be interviewing Alien Eyes than she looked for interviewing Himmy when we all collectively admitted that if we ever had the chance to suck off Himmy Butler, we would do it and not act like it was upsetting in any way. I guess the magnitude of the moment was not lost on Allie. Maybe she played college basketball not just because of the fact that she was not a carpet-munching dyke and the leaders of that basketball program wanted some LGBTQ diversity on the team, but because Allie was actually capable as a basketball player. So shout out to Allie LaForce. She absolutely stuck out in the crowd dressed in white with her pink suit.

Three blocks, three three-pointers, six assists, and zero turnovers. That’s what we in the business, call a “perfect fantasy basketball player”. Oh, and Alien Eyes also took a Himmy Butler shoulder straight to the face. The refs might be even more balls-deep on Himmy than Rachel Nichols, but they still begrudgingly called that offensive foul. It was super late, but that was so obvious that someone had to have been fired during the game if it wasn’t called. If the refs didn’t call that offensive foul on Himmy, Mr. White would have found all of their addresses, acquired a rifle with the serial number scrubbed off, and sniped their asses. And when the police arrive at the scene, they would give only a cursory inspection of the decapitated corpses because the sergeant would know that these were the refs who didn’t call that offensive foul on Himmy.

Do you know who traded for Alien Eyes? That would be my basketball twin flame, Brad Stevens. AKA, the only person in the history of the league who was prescient enough to sell high on his coaching gig and move to the front office. Brad is a superGenius. He’s a superGenius who will trade Tin Man after the Celtics lose game 7. Brad has never forgotten how Tin Man took umbrage with Gordon Hayward playing ahead of him. If you withhold admiration for Gordon Hayward in any way, you’ll have yourself a life-long mortal enemy with my basketball twin flame. A mortal enemy who doesn’t forget. A mortal enemy who is willing to lay in the weeds for years until the moment is right to trade your ass to Basketball Siberia (Portland).

Yes, I know Tin Man made his shots yesterday. Brad and I aren’t falling for Tin Man’s nonsense. The offense stops and falls into a morass of retardation whenever Tin Man is in the game. Sometimes, Tin Man dribbles the ball up after the Celtics inbound the ball, and whenever that happens, he should be immediately subbed out of the game. Offensive possessions that start with Tin Man dribbling the ball up the court go like this: Tin Man dribbles to the three-point line, everyone stands around, and Tin Man shoots a contested pull-up three with no separation because Tin Man can’t fluidly swivel his hips. It’s so gross. During the third quarter, everyone rooting for the Celtics thanked Black Baby Jesus for giving Celtics Coach the mental clarity to sub out Tin Man for Pygmy Hippo two minutes into that quarter. Tin Man had a super obvious turnover that led to a layup and followed that up with a bad tripping foul. Tin Man is ready to melt down whenever, wherever. My basketball twin flame can not wait to trade his dumbass to Portland for their pick, and Shaedon Sharpe. My basketball twin flame knows that Alien Eyes and President Brogdon are more capable basketball players than Tin Man and that signing Tin Man at the expense of those other two is bad roster building.

Somehow, Tin Man was making his free throws yesterday. He was good, I guess. He absolutely had a couple of GMR (grown-man rebounds) that saved the Celtics' season. Whatever. When Tin Man walks into his exit interview after game 7, my basketball twin flame is going to hand him a picture of Tin Man flexing during the third quarter of one of the losses against the Heat and say, “Your black ass is going to Portland. Pack your fucking bags. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear your Black Power bullshit again. Portland has a black coach. Not even mixed like Celtics Coach. You’ll love it there. Bye.”

Remember last year when Big Al was lighting Giannis on fire after dunking on his Greek ass? Yeah, that’s not happening this year. Big Al is lowkey washed. Lowkey, because he’s still getting fourth-quarter blocks. Washed, because it’s embarrassing how obvious it is that he doesn’t want to shoot the ball even when he’s next to the basket and the only thing in his way is a Heat player who isn’t Nigerian Chupacabra. That fourth-quarter block that Big Al had on Nigerian Chupacabra was the only moment from this Celtics playoff run that made me scream Al Horford’s name so that the entire neighborhood heard it. Last year, that happened multiple times, in every game. Especially against the Fucks. Now, that probably has a little to do with me avoiding Leastern Conference Playoff Basketball, but most of that is because Big Al is tired from coming up short in the Finals last year.

After game 6, I skipped the customary beating of Celtics Coach that I give him whenever my ghetto lovechild doesn’t play enough. It’s beyond ridiculous how Big Al plays so much more than my ghetto lovechild. All my ghetto lovechild does is get and1’s on Caleb Martin, get rebounds, make free throws, block shots, and dunk the goddamn basketball when he’s in the game. Nigerian Chupacabra tries to score one-on-one against my ghetto lovechild, and it routinely ends poorly for Nigerian Chupabacra. When my ghetto lovechild and I are eating our postgame ice cream sundaes, we talk mess about how small and insignificant Nigerian Chupacabra is. My ghetto lovechild also doesn’t foul Himmy Butler's three-point attempts that should end the Celtics’ season. Yes, Himmy double-dribbled there, but my goodness was that a terrible foul by Big Al. Big Al looks emaciated. It’s in his neck, and face. Big Al needs more nutrition.

The Heat occasionally employs a zone defense, and the Celtics need Marcus Dumbass to be the dude at the free-throw line instead of Big Al. Somehow, Marcus Dumbass’ midrange pull-up feels automatic. Marcus Dumbass also refuses to do anything besides get an and1 whenever a CW (competent white) is guarding him one-on-one. Yes, Marcus Dumbass traveled a couple of times yesterday, and his plus-minus was bad, but Marcus Dumbass has been mission-critical for the Celtics. Did Marcus Dumbass almost end the season by letting Himmy take over the game late? Yes. Did Marcus Dumbass absolutely swindle the awards voting body with last year’s DPOY? Absolutely. In addition to not being an overwhelming athlete, Marcus Dumbass makes decisions like helping off Duncan Robinson to move closer to Kyle Lowry. Duncan made that three. It was the only three that Duncan made in the fourth quarter. Is everyone going to erase from memory that it was Marcus Dumbass who took that three at the end of the game and that no one in the world thought that he would make that shot? Bet your bottom dollar.

Marcus Dumbass is helping the Celtics with this stupid series comeback. He’s also calling timeouts on the floor in a way that I can’t remember ever seeing from a player. I guess Marcus Retard and Big Al have taken over coaching duties. Maybe that’s why my ghetto lovechild doesn’t play instead of Big Al. Because Big Al is in charge of substitutions.

Jayson Tatum might be missing all his threes, but he’s making tough middys and trotting around the court like a show pony so we will forgive Jayson Tatum. He’s also moving the ball on offense which the Celtics really need from him. Oh, and he’s blocking Himmy Butler’s shot. That, and displaying excellent charge call mechanics whenever Himmy commits obvious player-control fouls. It was hilarious how Tatum put his closed fist behind his head just like a ref is supposed to. Is Jayson Tatum going to become the best player to ever pivot into officiating? That would be so funny. Watch out Leon Wood, Jayson Tatum is coming for your throne!

Himmy Butler’s face when he took those free throws was something that I will never forget. There was no freaking way any one of those was doing anything other than perfectly swishing through the net. Somehow Himmy almost made us forget that he was awful for most of that game. His shot has been barely making it to the front rim. Himmy seems gassed, but somehow he’s making threes in the fourth quarter and mind-fucking Big Al to foul his three-point attempts. Himmy really tricked all of us into believing that he was the second-best player in the world, shout out Lord Voldemort, but the illusion is fading now. Caleb Martin was obviously the best player for the Heat yesterday. Himmy needs to play better. Himmy, and Nigerian Chupacabra, both.

Boring game. Shaq was right to be lazily scrolling through nudes during the second quarter of that contest.

Heat 🔥(+8) over CELTICS 🍀

-This is my Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs (FYPOTP). Last year it was the first Grizzlies game that Tyus Jones played for Ja Morant, and this year’s version of that game could’ve been this year’s FYPOTP but it was during round 1 which is too early to break out the FYPOTP.

Record: 38-39-1

GUESS WHO?! Caleb Freaking Martin, that’s who! God that was a delicious playoff meltdown from the Celtics, Tin Man especially. “Tin Man is ready to meltdown anytime, anywhere”. Yeah, my record for picking games is dogshit but sometimes the thoughts that my mind formulates aren’t doggy doo-doo. Here’s another gem from the archives! “So, yeah, in case you didn’t know, Caleb Martin is better than Jayson Tatum and the Tin Man. If you didn’t know that before, now you know. Join the club because I wasn’t familiar with that fact of life before yesterday either.” That was reported on May 20th, ten days ago! Caleb Martin! That dude has a nickname now! Gandalf the White! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

So yeah, the FYPOTP cashed out! WINNER$! Do I care that my record is unsalvageable? Of course! Does the FYPOTP cashing out make the sting of a losing record tolerable? Yes, it does! Let’s freaking go!

Alie LaForce was wearing way too much Fendi. That’s not for “her kind”. Alie has had a stellar sartorial showing, but yesterday’s ensemble was cringe. Leave it to Malika Andrews to wear a misguided label-chasing outfit like that, Alie.

Can that Neutrogena commercial be the last commercial that Jennifer Gardner ever does? Hasn’t Jennifer Gardner received enough Pity Commercials for one lifetime? Jennifer Gardner was unforgettably hot in Daredevil, but that was, like, twenty years ago. If I had to bet on it, I would bet against Jennifer Gardner implementing the skin care witchcraft that Famous Puerto Rican Jennifer Lopez has been religiously following for her entire life. Jennifer Gardner probably has no freaking clue about coconut oil. Ms. Gardner is probably still using Dove soap. Ms. Gardner is classically educated but there are a lot of classically educated people who lose the fight against father time. For that fight, you need Puerto Rican Witchcraft. You need coconut oil and melanin. Two things Ms. Gardner doesn’t have. Ms. Gardner needs to gracefully step aside and let another (young) woman have her moment in the limelight. I’m not sure how long we’ve all been allowing Ms. Gardner to be in a bunch of commercials because Ben Affleck left her dry face for JLo, but it’s been long enough. Being the Pity Woman has a shelf-life, and Ms. Gardner’s time is up. Let’s all agree to move on.

At least the Celtics were able to make it a game for one quarter before Gandalf the White lay waste to their hopes and dreams. Alien Eyes and my ghetto lovechild were at least capable of keeping the ship afloat for one quarter before Tin Man had one of the most predictable, enjoyable meltdowns that I’ve ever witnessed. Exit interviews haven’t happened yet, but I already know how the meeting between my twin flame and Tin Man is going to go down.

“Hey, Tin Man.”

“Hey, Brad.”

“Tough way to end a season.”

“Yeah, I’m just taking it as a learning experience. Just trying to get better for next year.”

“That’s awesome Tin Man. Hey, as the President of the Boston Celtics, I have access to a working computer, and a working computer has the ability to play all eight of your turnovers from game 7. I’ve just been watching those eight turnovers from you. Not the fifteen missed shots. Just the eight turnovers.”

“That’s the biggest thing that I’ve been working on Brad. My handle. I’ve been working out with Basketball Jesus and his trainer. We’re doing stuff with tennis balls and blind-”

“Hey, Tin Man. I’ve heard enough. Shut your fucking mouth. I don’t give a flying fuck what you’re doing with Basketball Jesus. You’ve been losing the basketball for no fucking reason for six years and we’ve all had enough. Yesterday your agent asked for that three-hundred million dollar contract.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m wor-”

“Tin Man! Shut the fuck up! Listen, Gordon was better than you’ll ever be. Yes, you can dunk, but you can’t pass, and you can’t dribble. That’s two-thirds of being a good offensive player. You can’t just be bad at those and be on a team that wants to win a championship. Gordon could dribble, and Gordon could pass. You can’t do either of those at a professional level and you’re asking for three-hundred million dollars.”

…

“Tin Man, before you walked in, I agreed to trade your black ass to Portland. Your agent will fill you in on the details. I fucking hate you. Get the fuck out of my office and go preach about how Boston is racist. I don’t give a fuck. I can’t wait to see how many turnovers you average during Portland’s first-round playoff defeat this year. Can’t fucking wait. Fuck off Tin Man. I hate you. (Brad gives Tin Man double birds) That’s for Gordon.”

(Tin Man silently leaves Brad Stevens’ office)

Eight turnovers and fifteen missed shots from the Tin Man! That’s a delectable meltdown! Five of those turnovers are described as “lost ball turnovers” aka “losing the basketball while dribbling”. Two of those turnovers were offensive fouls. The offensive foul where Tin Man tried to knock out Nigerian Chupacabra with an elbow to the face was egregious. Nigerian Chupacabra doesn’t have a father figure like Mr. White, but John Calipari would take on the responsibility of paying an unfriendly visit to the Tin Man for that UFC move that Tin Man took on Nigerian Chupacabra.

Oh, and let's not forget that the Tin Man had five fouls. Just an epic meltdown from the Tin Man that had me cackling with glee as I watched that game. I can’t wait to read about how Tin Man and Jayson Tatum are “brothers”, and how Jayson Tatum doesn’t want my twin flame to trade Tin Man for the third pick, Shaedon Sharpe, and salary filler. Jayson Tatum has Tin Man Stockholm Syndrome. Next year, when the Celtics have a competent offense with ball movement, Tatum is going to maintain his front of missing Tin Man, but inside, Tatum is going to be celebrating his easy new life with a team that can pass the ball without having to worry about Tin Man stopping everything.

During the first quarter, the Heat couldn’t buy a rebound, and Himmy was pump-faking no one before getting ruthlessly rejected by my ghetto lovechild. Himmy looked dead at the start of that game but he made some shots so that will be forgotten. Himmy climbed out of awfulness, but Nigerian Chupacabra never did. Nigerian Chupacabra needs to thank Tin Man for his meltdown because if it wasn’t for Tin Man, we would know that game as the Nigerian Chupacabra Meltdown Game. It started with Nigerian Chupacabra missing every shot and letting Tatum and my ghetto lovechild get lots of offensive rebounds, and then it turned into Nigerian Chupacabra losing the ability to catch the basketball or even contemplate shooting any kind of shot. Nigerian Chupacabra was awful yesterday. Don’t let the seven assists, ten rebounds, and solid plus-minus fool you. He had the ability to dribble by Big Al for layups whenever he wanted to, but Nigerian Chupacabra refuses to take any responsibility for proficient offensive basketball. Nigerian Chupacabra just wants Gandalf the White, Duncan Robinson, and Gabe Vincent to do all of the work on that end of the floor.

At least Nigerian Chupacabra put up ten shots. Big Al only managed to attempt eight. It’s wild how the Heat collapsed on all of Big Al’s pick-and-roll rim runs. Big Al absolutely refuses to shoot the ball whenever he catches it near the basket. He only wants to pass out to three-point shooters. You’d think the Heat Coach would inform his team that Big Al really doesn’t want to shoot the basketball and that they need to stop collapsing their defense on Big Al pick-and-rolls. Nope. Guess not, because that adjustment never happened.

Sometimes, I pardon Celtics Coach from his postgame beatings that follow insufficient playing time for my ghetto lovechild. Yesterday, there was no such pardon. It’s disgusting how Celtics Coach doesn’t play my ghetto lovechild more. All he does is make Nigerian Chupacabra look like a Division Two college player, make every shot he takes, get rebounds, and swat Himmy’s shot. My ghetto lovechild and Alien Eyes were the two best players for the Celtics yesterday. Whatever Celtics Coach is doing with his hair makes him look like a reptile. That, or a child molester.

Pygmy Hippo looked ridiculous with all-red shoes. He’s not a player who should be allowed to wear those. It makes it really easy to notice when he’s barely out of bounds. Pygmy Hippo thinks that it’s his duty as a Players Union leader to sign for what he’s worth. Well, that’s definitely not as much as he thought it was after last year. Pygmy Hippo is going to have fun in Houston next year with his old coach!

Pygmy Hippo shouldn’t wear all-red shoes, but Blake Griffin should absolutely wear construction boots on the sideline. Something about what Blake is doing with his facial hair makes me believe that construction boots would look cool on him. It’s not like there was ever a chance of him playing. Blake was on the American Eagle plan which meant there was no freaking way he was stepping on the court during game-time. Heat Coach did what his sister’s boyfriend asked of him and stopped playing American Eagle in exchange for one night of falling asleep to the sounds of them making love. Shout out to Heat Coach’s Sister’s Boyfriend for helping Heat Coach understand that Haywood Highsmith needed American Eagle’s playing time.

If I wasn’t cackling at witnessing an epic Tin Man meltdown, I would say that game 7 sucked and that it was only about the Celtics shooting nine for forty-two from three.

NUGGETS ⛏(-8.5) over Heat 🔥

-All the Heat do is cover, and I’m supposed to understand this but I have an addiction to fading the Heat that I’m not always going to be strong enough to conquer. I’m with Lord Voldemort. Himmy is dead. Gandalf the White, Duncan Robinson, and Gabe Freaking Vincent are not covering against Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

Record: 39-39-1 (Get my jewelry out the safe, cuz I’m BACK ON ROAD)

I still do these hoes the same when I’m BACK ON ROAD. If you wasn’t there for Lord Voldemort when he was all alone, then bitch, don’t expect no love now that HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED is BACK. WINNER$. That was so nasty. The easiest pick of this year's playoffs cashed despite Kyle Lowry and Haywood Highsmith’s best efforts. Kyle Lowry has been a better basketball player than Chris Paul, but he’s no match for the Dark Lord even if Kyle is on one of his inexplicable shooting benders. Speaking of benders, before I sat down to make this, I smoked a spliff. After my head started buzzing, I whipped out the special kit. The special kit that I save for the special occasions on which I successfully fade the Heat. This special kit has a spoon that’s the perfect size, an elastic band that cuts off blood flow but also doesn’t make my skin itch, and a lighter that’s my favorite color. I just threw up the entirety of my stomach contents and now everything is just bulimic bliss. Fading the Heat worked. It worked and there was never a doubt. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, and that feeling only gets amplified when The Black is working its way through my veins.

Would the NFL even allow the super bowl to have the commercials that The Finals has? Even if the money was the same, I don’t buy that the sensible people who run America’s Bloodsport would allow their league image to be sullied by the fattest homosexual Black woman willing to be on an HIV commercial. The cure for Full-blown AIDS has some whackos in its commercials. Not that Magic Johnson cares. The pill obviously cures full-blown AIDS because it’s on TV, but they find the whackiest-looking people to be in their ads. One homosexual in an earlier commercial of theirs had a goatee, but the chin part went to his chest which was quite disconcerting. Yesterday’s version of the ad for the pill that cures full-blown AIDS had a five-hundred-pound Black woman who wrote a book about love. Clearly, she doesn’t comprehend that love is only something you can feel when you don’t require an electric cart to navigate through Ralphs. Love is not the diminishing returns of that last Twinkie in the box. Love is that unique way in which your special someone’s voice hits your brain. Love is that dull, unrelenting pressure that your genitals experience whenever you're in proximity to your partner. Love is not an entire canteen of chocolate icing. Love is not something that a Black walrus like the woman in these AIDS-curing pill commercials can experience, let alone write about.

“Would you like me if I was fat?”

“No.”

“Alright.”

The Bachelorette has an African-American for their upcoming season! And she straightens her hair! I believe that in The Community, this Bachelorette would be colloquially described as “Becky With The Good Hair”. Would ABC ever allow an African-American to be on The Bachelorette if she did her hair in braids, or god forbid, an afro? I doubt it.

Evidently, Malika Andrews isn’t the sideline reporter for The Finals. Neither is Ros Gold-Onwude (thankfully). I guess Malika left that post and Lisa Salters filled in. Lisa Salters makes me think of Aunt Jemima (RIP). Aunt Jemima interviewed Gabe Vincent in between quarters and while the broadcast was obviously muted, I was able to pick up what they were conversating about.

“So Gabe, everyone who you are guarding is dunking the ball. How are you going to fix this when you get back in the game?”

“Oh, you know, just dig deep I guess. Heat Coach is giving me some pointers. We’ll probably avoid having me switch onto Aaron Gordon, but I’ll just have to find a way.”

“Sounds like a viable strategy Gabe. So, from what I understand, your dad is Nigerian. I always watch the Olympics and you’re on Team Nigeria, which is surprising because you’re not purple like Josh Okogie and the rest of that possé. Gabe, how the fuck did you sneak your way onto Team Nigeria?”

“Yeah, my dad is Nigerian and my mom is white. My agent thought that if I played on that stage it would help me get exposure and land a spot on an NBA team. It worked. Shout out to my agent.”

“Wow. Smart agent. Ok, Gabe, enough of this boring basketball stuff. What’s your favorite kind of pancakes that you eat with my syrup?”

“Actually, Aunt Jemima, my dad cooked Nigerian pancakes and those were always my favorite. The kind with Scotch Bonnets and onion. That’s what I grew up on. I can’t handle the kind of stuff that IHOP is pulling off right now. Pancakes to me, are spicy, have onions, and are topped with red bean paste. They don’t have cake batter icing or blueberry syrup.”

“Wow Gabe, you’re really committed to having everyone believe that you’re a legitimate Nigerian. Well then, Mike, back to you.”

As Aunt Jemima mentioned in her sideline chat with Gabe, he was a problem for the Heat defense. Not the only problem, but the most obvious and immediate issue. Remember how the Heat played the Celtics, and the Celtics didn’t target the weak Heat defenders on the court? How the Celtics’ offense was always just “pass once, then shoot a deep three that might or might not be open”? Yeah, the Heat isn’t playing a team now that employs a coach who is mentally handicapped. It’s wild how the Celtics have to convince themselves that they made a good decision with their Megan’s List Coach despite how obvious it is that he isn’t capable of imparting on Jayson Tatum that he needs to get American Eagle to switch onto him every time that American Eagle is on the court. Oh well. Sorry Celtics fans. You’ll just have to get acclimated to strategic shortcomings.

The Nuggets, meanwhile, are a competent basketball team. One that mercilessly targets Gabe Vincent, and if American Eagle ever steps foot on the court, him too.

Heat Coach’s Sister runs through a lot of boyfriends for “entertaining”. Much to the chagrin of Heat Coach. Not that it matters. Anyways, the boyfriend who convinced Heat Coach to stop playing American Eagle in exchange for one night of not falling asleep to the sounds of his sister “entertaining”, is long gone. There’s a new guy in the house, and this one isn’t trying to bargain with Heat Coach about playing time. This boyfriend is just reminding Heat Coach that his team has no chance against the Nuggets. When the games start, Heat Coach has already been mentally beaten into resignation about the fact that the Heat have no freaking chance at beating Lord Voldemort. Now there isn’t any frantic eye movement from Heat Coach. Heat Coach knows that there’s no point in getting upset or frantic. His team’s fate is sealed. Death by Killing Curse.

Aaron Gordon has a nickname now. Nagini. He’s Lord Voldemort’s snake pet. Early in this game, Lord Voldemort delighted in feeding Gabe Vincent to Nagini. Gabe Vincent is not LeBron Blames. He’s Gabe Vincent and Gabe Vincent is six feet tall, one hundred and eighty pounds. Gabe Vincent is helpless in preventing Nagini from taking two strong steps and dunking. Sorry, Gabe Vincent. Lord Voldemort sits on the team charter and thinks of creative ways to disembowel Gabe Vincent. One of those ways is to have Limp Dick screen the Heat defender guarding Nagini and force Gabe to have to switch onto Nagini. After that switch, Lord Voldemort passes Nagini the ball, and Nagini dunks the ball. Basically, just have Gabe Vincent’s guy screen for Nagini so that Gabe Vincent has to switch onto Nagini while Lord Voldemort has the ball. Lord Voldemort doesn’t miss on post-entry passes.

Gabe Vincent was the most obvious Nagini target, but you could throw in Max Strus and Gandalf the White as well. Both of those undrafted Heat players are not physically capable of stopping Nagini from dunking the basketball.

In addition to allowing Nagini to dunk the ball, Gabe Vincent also allows Limp Dick to dunk the ball. Gross defense by Gabe. Gabe got stuck on off-ball screens from Lord Voldemort and Nagini and Limp Dick jogged right to the rim and dunked. This wasn’t a competent defensive game from Gabe Vincent. He’s getting mercilessly targeted and if he’s not hitting fifty percent of his threes, he can’t be in the game. In this series against the Nuggets, Gabe Vincent is that Indian high school freshman playing basketball with adults, whose parents are wealthy IT professionals. They have infected their child with an unfounded belief that their child can play basketball with psychotic, tireless twenty-nine-year-olds who see their parents riding around town in their Tesla S’s and feel a certain type of way about the fact that they themselves do not own a Tesla S. This Indian high school freshman doesn’t care about tanking his team’s defense, and is clueless to the fact that twenty-nine-year-old nutjobs see him in the same way that a hungry lion sees a wildebeest calf. Gabe Vincent cares and isn’t clueless about his physical shortcomings, but it doesn’t matter. The end result is the same. A broken defense that surrenders easy layups.

Another thing that’s broken with this Heat team is Himmy. He’s been fantastic and Himmy slander will not be tolerated, but Himmy’s legs are dead. That offensive no-show that Himmy had in game 1 would make Frida Kahlo blush. Oh well, no one will say anything other than it was yeoman’s work from Himmy to drag this carcass of a professional basketball team to The Finals. How many times did Himmy get blocked? I just checked, and apparently, it was only once. Although it looked like Lord Voldemort blocked Himmy after my Boy Toy blocked him. Guess not. Apparently, Boy Toy was the only one to block Himmy on that possession.

The broadcast has a lot of commercials about Finals from years past. Most of those commercials have images of a young Michael Jordan. I’ll say it. Jimmy Butler kinda looks like Michael Jordan, and while I’ve never watched Michael Jordan emasculate other NBA players during a game, something tells me that it looked awfully similar to how Himmy emasculated Jrue Holiday. Can we test Michael Jordan for Himmy paternity?

If you read the mainstream dogshit that’s written about sports events, they’ll say something about Heat shooting regression. “Regression” is a smart person's word. You use that word and you have gravitas. Anyways, they’ll pontificate on how the Heat has been making more threes than they had any right to during this magical run through the postseason, and that it was to be expected that Max Strus, Gandalf the White, and Duncan Robinson missed every three they took yesterday.

Max Strus was comically bad, and it was fitting that after missing every open three, he got ruthlessly blocked on a three-point attempt by Nagini.

The only person on the Nuggys who was even half as comical as Strus was Boy Toy. Boy Toy was missing everything and he needs to thank the refs for not calling that travel in the fourth quarter. I have no idea how they missed calling that travel because Boy Toy ran around like he was guilty of a basketball violation. Kyle Lowry was surely reminding Ed Malloy that Ed screwed that up.

The thing that I will remember from Kyle Lowry’s game wasn’t his inexplicable fourth-quarter shooting barrage, it was how he decided to help off Bruce Brown and help Duncan Robinson double-team Lord Voldemort. Limp Dick saw Lowry double the Dark Lord and swung the ball to Bruce Brown (Lowry’s man). Bruce noticed how Lowry stopped guarding him, picked a spot on the three-point line that he fancied, and swished a wide-open catch-and-shoot three after Limp Dick swung him the ball. You can’t just abandon Brucey like Kyle Lowry did. Even if the alternative is leaving Duncan Robinson all alone with Lord Voldemort. To Lord Voldemort, Duncan Robinson is a dirty muggle who needs to be spared from their meaningless existence. Kyle needs to just sit there and watch Duncan die because if Kyle tries to help Duncan, he’ll die too.

Haywood Highsmith also decided to double Lord Voldemort, but this time, Himmy was the one guarding Lord Voldemort on an island. Haywood was guarding Bruce Brown in the corner but decided to do a super obvious double-team on the Dark Lord. Lol. Yeah, Lord Voldemort is going to find Brucey open in the corner. Maybe Heat Coach’s Sister’s new boyfriend has a dad who is a Heat fan. A smart Heat fan who will ask his son to help Heat Coach see the light and not have Heat defenders leave open three-point shooters so that they can double-team HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.

Gosh, I’m just euphoric. From the high of successfully fading the Heat, but also from watching Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters play basketball. This is so much more enjoyable than watching the Celtics with their Megan’s List Coach and Tin Man play Leastern Conference Basketball.

Lord Voldemort said, “fuck bein’ on some chill shit, we go zero to one hundred real quick”. If the Heat wanna do it, the Death Eaters can do it on Miami’s turf because Lord Voldemort is the rookie and the vet. He’s tryna paint the picture. Nugget’s season in the works and now he’s thinking bigger. Lord Voldemort has already killed one of the GOAT’s for it. They didn’t make the Dark Lord what he is, they just found him like this. He was ready, BEEN READY because HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED will do it for you niggas and do it for himself.

NUGGETS! LORD VOLDEMORT! LET'S FREAKING GO! WHOLE SQUAD ON THAT REAL SHIT!

NUGGETS ⛏ (-8.5) over Heat 🔥

-But “shooting regression”?!? Whatever. I’m too high to do the prudent thing and pick the Heat here. Maybe in game 3 I’ll come back down to Earth and do the wise thing. Not now though. Right now, I’m high on Nuggets basketball.

Record: 39-40-1

Alright, let’s get down to business. Yesterday really hurt. Game 2 was so bad that the person who I really empathize with right now is the person who hit up Kim K and then went into a state of irreversible psychosis because the (plastic) pussy was so crazy that all sense of reality was lost. Kanye West. If you were to speak words with me after game 2, I’d be like, “Yeah, the Jews do control a disproportionate amount of the world’s wealth. What do you want to do about it?” Fortunately, that sentiment was only temporary. Unlike with Mr. West, I can have a solid night’s sleep, run several miles, and rid myself of the urge to burn entire races. So that’s where we’re at right now. The Death Eaters really let down Lord Voldemort in a way that filled my entire body with a hatred that can only be abated with strenuous exercise and REM sleep. Fuck. That’s the shit I don’t like. Fuck niggas. Snitch niggas like Limp Dick. BITCH NIGGAS like Nagini.

That was the Limp Dick that I know! Throughout the playoffs, Limp Dick has been doing his darndest to make me forget that I hate that dude and believe that Lord Voldemort deserves better than Limp Dick. Back on his bullshit yesterday though! Jesus Christ, Limp Dick played like the game was two quarters long. It’s not. A professional basketball game is four twelve-minute quarters. Goddamn, Limp Dick had that (nasty) two-hander and1 dunk and then gave everyone that face like he was a Real Dude. No, Limp Dick is a Fraud Nigga. That face that Limp Dick made might turn out to be just like that flex that Tin Man did during the third quarter of game 1 between the Celtics and Heat. The kind of image that a General Manager prints out and hands to a player when he tells said player that his ass is getting traded to Oklahoma City. If the Nuggets don’t win the championship, the Nuggets' General Manager needs to sell high on Limp Dick. I know I said I was done with trade proposals for Limp Dick after the Bestern Conference Finals, but that performance yesterday was putrid. That was a performance that deserved promises to be broken. That was disgusting. That was weak. That was the kind of performance that makes you understand why Limp Dick makes Instagram stories with a less-than-bricked erection. That was the kind of performance that reinforces my “No Canadians” rule for fantasy basketball. It’s in the water over there in Canada. Hungry dogs run faster, and over there in the North, the government doesn’t allow dogs to go hungry. We’re getting dangerously close to me writing Limp Dick a letter about how nasty his pubic hair is, and how it makes sense that even though he was a campus celebrity at Kentucky, he still had flat-figured white girls sucking him off while he posted said sucking off to his social media so that his friends back in Canada would believe that an American White was actually doing that to Limp Dick.

Man, that was bad. I thought I could go through today wearing Normal People Clothes, but after the morning caffeine brought me back to reality, I realized that the only sensible thing to do was wear white shorts with my 2023 White Hot Playoffs shirt. People are going to look at this outfit and say how they love it. I’m going to say that I’m struggling with my sobriety and that I’m so freaking retarded, that I need to wear all-white to keep me on the straight edge. I’ll say that I want the Nuggets to win but today, I’m the Heat’s bitch. Today I have a responsibility to be the mule for the teachings of Heat Coach. How did the Heat punk the Nuggets in Denver like that?! Fuck!!

Heat Coach’s Sister’s Boyfriend doesn’t force Heat Coach to not play American Eagle. It’s a new boyfriend, and this one encourages Heat Coach to just not double-team Lord Voldemort. Heat Coach stopped doing that shit in game 2. Shout out to Heat Coach’s SIster’s Boyfriend and his dad for helping out Heat Coach with game strategy.

As someone who watched game 2, I guess the biggest reason the Heat won was that all the Death Eaters are a bunch of bitch niggas who just expect the title to be handed to them because they’re bigger and more athletic than the Heat. All the bitch niggas on the Nuggets thought that the beatdown in game 1 meant that the Heat wouldn’t try in game 2. Ugh.

Lord Voldemort showed up. That’s a given. He always shows up. Nagini though? Nagini really let down the Dark Lord yesterday. Yesterday was the battle at Hogwarts. Lord Voldemort really needed Nagini to just not get murked by Neville Longbottom with the sword of Gryffindor, and Nagini couldn’t even do that. Every curse bounces right off Nagini. All it has to do is avoid Basilisk Fangs, and the Sword of Gryffindor, but even that small ask is too much of Nagini. All that Lord Voldemort can ask of Nagini is to kill some muggles. God forbid Nagini kill Ron Weasley and Hermione without getting cut in half by Neville Fucking Longbottom.

So yeah, Nagini wasn’t eating Gabe Vincent yesterday. Nagini was doing that thing with his eyes where it becomes super obvious that any meaningful contribution to winning is too much for him. Of course, Nagini missed both of those free throws. There was adversity yesterday, and when Nagini faces adversity, Nagini doesn’t do dick. Just a repulsive effort from the Dark Lord’s snake yesterday. I’m not going to look at the box score. I’m just going to stew in the hatred that’s gurgling inside me because of how Nagini was so overwhelmed yesterday. Nagini gets one charge called on him and then quits doing the thing that he needs to do. That thing would be taking two string steps towards the rim and laying waste to everything in his way on the path towards dunking the ball into the basket. The Nuggets need Nagini to constantly send the message that There Will Be Blood, but sometimes Nagini just wants to sit still and look pretty. Maybe if Ryan Saunders weren’t such a fuck-up, he’d remind Nagini to not get discouraged after one American Eagle charge, and stay on the warpath. But no, Ryan Saunders is probably shouting some fucking useless instructions about the Heat’s zone defense. In case you can’t tell, I fucking hate Ryan Saunders. That’s a dude who is in love with his own voice. That’s a dude who just wants to be friends. That’s a dude who would have a bumper sticker that says, “choose love, not war”. That’s a dude who if I ever went to war against, I would personally chop his head off after my squadron of death murks every last one of his patsies. That’s a dude who would lose a land war to a bunch of Native Americans even though he has the Whites with the guns.

So yeah, Nagini really let the Dark Lord down yesterday, and if the Nuggets lose this shit, Nagini will need to be traded. Lord Voldemort doesn’t need much. Maybe just get some other War-Torn Eastern Europeans. Just not Bitch Niggas like Nagini. Bitch Niggas who have Japanese scripture tattooed all over their back. Nagini is confused. His dad is Black and his Mom is White, and somehow he thinks he’s Japanese. Nagini needs to go back to Central Florida and toil away in obscurity.

This hurts to admit, but my Boy Toy is missing every shot. Christian Brawny played a lot and you thought, “Wait if Christian Brawny is playing so much, who’s the guy who is not playing?!” That person was Boy Toy. Boy Toy is getting open shots and missing them. Boy Toy needs another Internet Article that details how fucking brave he is for persevering through three back surgeries to come back and be good at basketball. Through two games, Boy Toy has been a Nuggets offensive retardant, and it hurts my soul as someone who loves Boy Toy. It hurts my soul to admit that Christian Brawny was much better than Boy Toy yesterday. Some players wear shoes that are too loud for their games. Christian Brawny is not one of those players. Christian Brawyn is no Pygmy Hippo. Christian Brawny deserves to wear the Grinch Kobes. Josh Hart and Jalen Brunson are really cute when they both wear those shoes and so are Brucey Brown and Christian Brawny. All of those players are guys who are allowed to wear Grinch Kobes.

We all needed to see Christian Brawny pump-fake that first three and drive to the rim for a physical layup. I’m sure Brawny is a good shooter but he doesn’t look comfortable shooting right now. He looks comfortable kicking ass and taking names on his way to two-handed dunks. Brawny gets a lot of steals and deflections because he’s large, athletic, and active. Boy Toy is just large. He’s not active or athletic. Three back surgeries will do that to a person.

Calvin Booth needs to look into the possibility of trading Boy Toy to the Jazz so that Brawny and Ochai Agbaji can be reunited. Those two would be serviceable Death Eaters. Of course, Danny Ainge won’t trade for Boy Toy. Danny Ainge only trades monumental medical liabilities, he doesn’t acquire them. Ugh.

It’s not ideal that Christian Brawny is outplaying Boy Toy. Why are the three most lethal Death Eaters Brucey Brown, Our Favorite Black Realtor, and Christian Brawny?!?! Fuck!!!

Brucey Brown has been That Dude on a consistent basis and it sucks that the Nuggets will probably not be able to keep him after this year. Max “Schnitzel” Strus was canning wide-open threes in the first quarter and Brucey was like, “All right, enough of this Schnitzel shit. I’m locking his ass up.” And then Schnitzel stopped scoring so much. I love me some Brucey.

Our Favorite Black Realtor was actually attempting field goals, which is something Limp Dick couldn’t do for more than one quarter, but that three-shot foul that he had on Schnitzel as the shot clock was expiring was truly terrible. It had to be mentioned.

The officiating for game 2 can be accurately described as “fouls are turned off for the Heat”. Except for Duncan Robinson. As part of becoming an NBA ref, you are sworn to call a bunch of fouls on Duncan. Schnitzel also gets called for fouls. Those are the two CWs who the refs call fouls on with this Heat team.

The two Heat players who get away with the most are American Eagle and Gabe Vincent. American Eagle is never guilty of a block, and Gabe Vincent can do whatever the fuck he wants on defense. Now, Zach Zarba did call that “landing zone” foul on Gabe. Shout out to Our Favorite Black Realtor for making all three of those free throws. Gabe was in utter disbelief that he was called for a foul, as he had every right to be. It’s shocking when the refs forget that Gabe Vincent has a presidential pardon for fouls. Oh, and Gabe Fucking Vincent makes lots of shots. Open threes from Gabe Fucking Vincent feel automatic. He never touches the rim with his free throws. Yeah, Gabe Vincent was second-team All-Big West, and he feels unstoppable with this Heat team. That’s insane.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Duncan Robinson took over the game. Shout out to Limp Dick for letting Duncan Robinson take over a fourth quarter of a Finals game. Limp Dick hit Duncan on the head for that one and1 layup and acted like it was a big fucking surprise that he got called for that foul. Fuck Limp Dick. Make a sex video with a hard penis like a real man. Shout out to Jeff Green for letting Duncan cleanly get off that three. Duncan was acting like he was too scared to shoot but it was all a ploy. Jeff Green fell for it. Jeff Green needs to play next year in the Chinese Basketball Association with Dwight Howard for failing to box out Kyle Lowry on that free throw. That was just disgusting to watch. Kyle Lowry couldn’t be boxed out by two Nuggets, and it resulted in a loose ball foul being called on the Nuggys. This was in the fourth quarter when Duncan was lighting Denver’s hopes and dreams on fire. Duncan feels much better when he tries to get layups. That flex that Duncan Robinson did felt legitimate. Completely the opposite of Tin Man’s flex, or Limp Dick’s mean mug. Duncan Robinson is becoming That Dude. When the Heat win this fucking championship, I’m going to dig through the archives and be like, “Look here it is. I warned you that Duncan Robinson was That Dude, after game 2. Look at how omniscient I am!”

Have you noticed that I haven’t mentioned Himmy? That’s because he was bad again. He did make some corner threes that felt backbreaking for the Nuggys, but by and large, the Heat is winning these games because of Duncan Robinson, Gabe Fucking Vincent, Schnitzel, and freaking Kyle Lowry. This is repugnant stuff from the Nuggets. Nigerian Chupacabra had an and1 dunk that should’ve ended the game. That comeback that the Nuggets had was the definition of a Fake Comeback.

LeBron Blames is in that one commercial where he’s ugly. Ugly in front of a pool. Ugly at the top of some stairs. Ugly playing video games. Ugly everywhere. LeBron Blames is really good at having people forget the fact that he’s an ugly dude with really bad abs, especially for a Black. Best basketball player to have ever lived. Billionaire. Future NBA team owner. Still ugly as fuck.

I’m surprised that Penis Head Silver’s wife didn’t wear a suit sitting next to her beau. I’m also surprised that Penis Head Silver didn’t import a Black straight out of Congo to be his Black Friend. Penis Head Silver is one of those whites. He’s like, “Look, my Black Friend is purple. That makes me a good person! My Black Friend is more beleaguered than your Black Friend! I win! Count my Twitter followers bitch!”

Did you know that Rachel Nichols interviews retired athletes on Showtime now? She wears retro Jordans while she chats with old basketballers because she’s down. Rachel Nichols’ husband has a soul patch, so you know he’s down for cuckolding.

Lisa Salters needs to not wear jackets that are as tight-fitting as the one she wore in game 2. She doesn’t have an ounce of muscle on her body, and she’s a woman. Lisa needs to “run her race”, or whatever. Leave tight-fitting clothing to the dunderhead NFL referees.

Ok, I need to sweat out my rage at this bitch-made Nuggets squad.

Nuggets ⛏(-2.5) over HEAT 🔥

-You know I’m a junkie and that nothing I say can be trusted. I was ready to take the Heat here and reclaim my sobriety, but the Nuggets shit the bed in game 2 and I’m positively livid. There’s too much rage coursing through my veins to pick the Heat in game 3. Fuck you, I’m taking the Nuggets. Partially because I have a slight death wish. Partially because my records fucked anyway. Partially because I’m a retard and I can’t listen to myself when I say that fading the Heat is a dumb fucking thing to do. So shout out to mental retardation. Shout out to not learning from past failures. Shout out to Gabe Fucking Vincent for punking Limp Dick and showing him what a legitimately hard penis looks like. I fucking hate the Heat.

Record: 40-40-1

When a real nigga hold you down, you supposed to drown! That’s right! Nuggets leave no doubt! Lord Voldemort! Let’s Freaking Goooooooo!!!!

Does the broadcast show the picture of all the Heat players waiting behind the door? I’m not sure if they do but that picture is so seared into my brain that I can’t discern if I saw it on the broadcast. It doesn’t feel “family-friendly” to show a picture that came about from an on-court physical confrontation so I doubt that the Disney broadcast shows that picture. You know the picture. The one that was taken after Lord Voldemort (justly) ended Markieff Morris’ career with that push in the back. Does Markieff Morris go to these games? Would Markieff Morris (and his bitch-made twin) actually fight Lord Voldemort? Of course they wouldn’t. People who take the kind of lazy midrange shots that Marcus and Markieff Morris take aren’t people who really want to throw down. Those two are the definition of trigger fingers turning into Twitter fingers. Oh my God would Lord Voldemort murk those clowns with a quick “Avada Kedavra”. And unlike Harry Potter, Markieff and Marcus would stay murked.

Seriously though this nonsense about Lord Voldemort being called “Joker” needs to stop. That graphic that ABC showed with Lord Voldemort holding a playing card, and wearing Joker makeup was cringe. That nickname sucks. It’s a nickname derived from Americans who can’t pronounce Jokic correctly. Americans like Nagini who are confused about their own identity, and about how to pronounce foreign names. It’s a disgrace. He Who Shall Not Be Named is above a shitty nickname and a gross broadcast graphic. Together, we have the power to stop this nonsense by calling the Dark Lord, “Joker”. Shaking my damn head.

Gosh, it’s delightful to visually inspect this Miami crowd. That’s a crowd with class. That’s a crowd who knows what a good time (wearing all white) is. Their relatively paltry celebrity showing just adds to the allure of that crowd. That walrus DJ Khaled barely qualifies as a celebrity. At least he has the decency to go along with the all-white dress code. Out of all the quasi-celebrities that the broadcast gives close-ups to, Shakira is the most fun. I guess Shakira is trying to find out about Himmy’s third leg. That’s what Snapchat tells me. That, or she’s rubbing her freedom in the face of Spanish Federales. I guess Shakira swore off visiting Spain (and her ex-husband) again because I’m pretty sure they take tax evasion quite seriously over there. America was built on tax evasion, but Europe… was not. Shakira made that one song and made that one corresponding music video, which is fantastic, but she’s losing her fastball. She hasn’t gotten the “work” done that preserves a woman’s beauty into her mid-forties. No wonder her soccer ex-husband left her. Does Shakira have not-perfect teeth? That would be noteworthy (and admirable). It would also go along great with Himmy’s super screwed-up teeth. Himmy might have the most messed-up teeth in the NBA. Even more messed up than Little Game James Harden. Did you know that Little Game James Harden has a beard because it distracts everyone from how crowded his teeth are? That’s the reason. That, and he’s scared of everyone finding the light and seeing him for what he truly is. That would be a punk-ass bitch who ruins playoff professional basketball games. Enough about Little Game James.

Those same Miami fans might know what a good time is and have exquisite taste in clothing, but they left this game way too early. I guess that’s a thing in Miami. When the Nuggets were up fifteen with seven minutes left, I could swear that the seats were starting to be vacated. That was insane at the moment. The Heat feel alive when they have no right to be. ABC showed something about the Heat’s playoff record when they’re down double digits in the fourth quarter. Something explaining how the Heat has won four such games while the rest of the NBA has only won once under a similar late-game deficit. You feel it watching them. Heat Coach put in Haywood Highsmith and Duncan Robinson midway through the fourth and the Heat immediately make quick threes, and Limp Dick kept turning the ball over. The Heat fans didn’t care though. If the Heat actually completed that comeback with Himmy on the bench, you could say that Himmy and Little Game James both have screwed-up teeth and a scathing rebuke of their playoff ability in the form of a ridiculous comeback that happened without them. Shout out to Josh Smith and Corey Brewer. I will never forget where I was when that happened. Ok, fine, I’ll stop bringing up Little Game James.

Remember last year when Big Al Horford had decided that enough was enough and that he was done anally ingesting Greek God’s penis? And how Big Al dunked all over Greek God and had that carnal scream that showed that Big Al was ready to take back ownership of his life? I remember! I remember because there were moments of last year’s playoff run from Big Al that made me scream his name with an enthusiasm that my neighbors probably heard. Well, guess what? CHRISTIAN BRAWNY! Yup, Christian Brawny’s name was shouted from the rooftop after that game! Some of my roundball opinions are shared off the record with a limited amount of people. One of those opinions was, “Hey friend, you know the White on Kansas? He’s great! He’ll be really good in the NBA. People are going to sleep on him because he’s a White and that usually doesn’t turn out so good in the NBA, but mark my words, that dude is a Competent White (CW).”

Yes, this person is on the email list. Yes, I have been reminding him all year about CHRISTIAN BRAWNY after every sparkling moment of his season. There have been a bunch of those. CHRISTIAN BRAWNY is A Dude. An apex predator. That dude isn’t afraid to pull out his dick and fuck in front of a crowd. “Give it to Jimmy Butler, CHRISTIAN BRAWNY! Give it to him!” Yeah, that’s a voice memo that I will be playing all day today. Fuck, I love CHRISTIAN BRAWNY. I love how he attacks the rim and sends a message. That message being There Will Be Blood. Christian Brawny is a dude who takes no prisoners. That’s a dude who doesn’t have any issues “taking care” of the children. Christian Brawny is a worthy Death Eater. Him and Brucey Brown, both. It’s really a shame that Brucey didn’t wear the Grinch Kobes for game 3. Brucey and Brawny need to both wear those shoes for the rest of the series.

So yeah, I was screaming Christian Brawny’s name a bunch yesterday. Especially that steal of Himmy and the following dunk in transition. You don’t see Schnitzel coming from behind to hit Brawny in the head like you do with Limp Dick. That’s because CHRISTIAN BRAWNY is fast and athletic. That’s because if Schnitzel tried that shit with Christian Brawny, Brawny would see that and try to jump so hard into Schnitzel, that Schnitzel would die. Christian Brawny is a real soldier, and I smelled it when he was at Kansas. Goddamn, I love Christian Brawny. I love how his mom was like, “Alright kids, we’re going to go play in a national AAU tournament with all the best Blacks. I’m not going to tolerate any Punk Shit. We’re going to go play with the Blacks and we’re going to beat their asses playing their way. We’re going to dunk the ball so hard that anyone who tries to get in our way will break their hand on the rim. Alright, everyone, let’s get in the minivans! Let’s ride!”

I just know that Christian Brawny’s mom was an excellent basketball coach. I see it with how her progeny plays. That’s a woman who taught her son to kill. Unlike Boy Toy’s mom. Those are two White Women who went about raising a family in very different ways. One wasn’t afraid to have White children in Kansas. The other was like, “OK, I’ll have a Black husband and we’ll have ten kids. One of them will surely make it to the NBA. The rest will just be around, but that one kid will make my life worthwhile.”

Yeah, Christian Brawny’s mom is a woman with character. Someone who is Quality over Quantity. Someone who can imbue the importance of moving your ass when you don’t have possession of the basketball. Seriously, Christian Brawny is the only Death Eater besides Limp Dick who dimes up Lord Voldemort. Boy Toy goes weeks without an assist to the Dark Lord, but Brawny has no issues passing the rock back to the Dark Lord. It’s utterly refreshing to behold. The box score says that Christian Brawny only had one assist but there were a few passes that led to shooting fouls on Lord Voldemort. In a more perfect world, those occurrences would be counted as assists. Oh well.

Christian Brawny also does this thing where he sees Limp Dick get double-teamed and moves his ass closer to Limp Dick. That makes it easier for Limp Dick to pass him the ball. It helps avoid turnovers. Boy Toy doesn’t do that. Boy Toy has had three back surgeries. Boy Toy parks his ass in the corner and refuses to move his ass when Limp Dick is getting trapped. Limp Dick had seven (!) turnovers in that game. Limp Dick needs help keeping the Nuggets in possession of the ball. Boy Toy can’t help with that. Every successful dribble that Boy Toy has is a miracle of modern medicine.

I’m not done praising Christian Brawny. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the Boy Toy evisceration.

It’s fun watching Christian Brawny run around screens while Brawny is defending. That’s a dogged effort. You watch Christian Brawny run around screens, and you have hope. Hope that Gabe Freaking Vincent, Gandalf the White, Duncan Robinson, or Kyle Lowry isn’t going to end up with a wide-open three. You don’t get that feeling with Boy Toy running around screens on defense.

Do yourself a favor and watch all of Christian Brawny’s made field goals on NBA.com. Those gave me goosebumps. Especially the transition dunk that followed the interception of Himmy. That scream that Brawny let out after that dunk was some War Shit. I’m going to be listening to my own voice memos screaming Christian Brawny’s name, and I’m going to keep watching all of Christian Brawny’s made field goals. I LOVE CHRISTIAN BRAWNY. I love that he’s a Death Eater. I love that Christian Brawny sees Himmy and says, “Kill. Kill Himmy. Attack!” Christian Brawny is a freaking Presa Canario.

Ok, now for Boy Toy. Boy Toy misses every open shot he takes. When Boy Toy and Christian Brawny were both on the bench, one of them was sitting with his arms and legs crossed, and the other was periodically standing up and encouraging the team to keep giving It to the Heat. Yes, the one who was pouting while sitting was Boy Toy. This is some repugnant stuff from Boy Toy. It reflects badly on his mother. Boy Toy wasn’t raised right. Clearly, he was coddled as the Chosen One by a family that decided to have ten kids just so that one of them could have the physical gifts that Boy Toy has. When Boy Toy is in the game, you get the sense that the Nuggets’ defense is helpless to prevent wide-open three-point attempts. Boy Toy is a disaster on defense. I’d love to hear what Boy Toy is thinking to himself when screens happen. He is a positively unintuitive switcher on defense. It’s like Boy Toy is trying to leave someone open. “Activity” is not something you see from Boy Toy on defense. “Apathy” would be the thing you see from Boy Toy on that end of the floor. Again, Boy Toy wasn’t raised right. I say that as someone who used to love Boy Toy. Not anymore though. I’ve fallen for a new lover now. That new beau would be Christian Brawny.

Hopefully, the Nuggets can trade Boy Toy to another team so that Brucey and Our Favorite Black Realtor can stay on the team. I can’t believe I’m saying that.

Guess what? Nagini went 1-4 from the free-throw line! When Nagini missed the first one, I was like, “Well, I guess Nagini isn’t making a free throw today.” This year, Nagini was a 60% free-throw shooter. I believe that in his one college season, he shot below fifty percent. Nagini’s eyes don’t inspire confidence in him. He looks scared. He looks like someone who a bully would target because said bully knows Nagini wouldn’t fight back with any real temerity. Yes, Nagini had that one transition dunk that made me scream, “Thank you!” It was just once though. Nagini needs to be more decisive with what he’s doing around the rim on offense because if he has self-doubt, the Heat players are going to take a charge. Nagini misses every putback around the rim. He has bad touch. With free throws, and putbacks. It’s unfortunate how you watch Nagini play basketball and can’t help but be overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting more. Ten rebounds, five assists, zero turnovers, and fifty percent from the field is really good basketball, but Nagini has that punk look on his face and he misses free throws. He also got lucky on that one play where he wasn’t looking for the ball and swindled Gabe Freaking Vincent into getting a block called on him. When that happened, Nuggets backers all over the world felt overwhelming relief at the fact that Gabe Freaking Vincent had to be taken out of the game because of foul trouble.

Limp Dick was making a lot of shots but I wasn’t impressed by his effort. Seven turnovers will do that. Limp Dick looks slow and weak on the court. His stats lie. Limp Dick is a creation of Lord Voldemort. Limp Dick is to Lord Voldemort what Money Green is to Basketball Jesus. Someone who owes their career to the fact that they play with a truly incandescent basketball talent. The Nuggets should trade Limp Dick to Toronto for Scottie B. Or… what about trading Limp Dick to Portland for Dame?! I said I was done with fake trades involving Limp Dick but I guess I was mistaken. Blame it on the Goose, got me feelin’ loose.

What happened with the Heat? They’re missing threes now! Somehow there isn’t a player who makes me feel more scared picking against them than Gabe Freaking Vincent. He still has a presidential pardon for blocking fouls, and every shot he takes feels like it’s going in. Two for ten yesterday. I don’t know how we got to a place where Gabe Freaking Vincent feels unstoppable, but he does.

Speaking of presidential pardons for blocking fouls, hey American Eagle! That first charge that American Eagle took on Our Favorite Black Realtor was hot dogshit. Somehow American Eagle injured Greek God and the league agreed to never call a blocking foul on American Eagle again. It’s disgusting watching American Eagle get every call. The Heat can hide American Eagle on Boy Toy because Boy Toy doesn’t get by anyone when he’s dribbling the basketball. If Boy Toy had any elusiveness or agility, he’d be able to expose American Eagle on defense, but he doesn’t so American Eagle can play in this series.

Nigerian Chupacabra is making me feel foolish for thinking that the Queens had any shot at trading Saboner for him. Nigerian Chupacabra is light years ahead of Saboner. Nigerian Chupacabra makes fifteen footers. Nigerian Chupacabra blocks shots. Nigerian Chupacabra doesn’t get his ankles broken from crossovers. Limp Dick made that one miracle layup over Nigerian Chupacabra. If that was Saboner, miracles wouldn’t be needed to make layups. I guess Nigerian Chupacabra shot 33 percent from the field, but he felt like a contributing offensive player. Seventeen rebounds. Yeah, Nigerian Chupacabra plays like a man.

In the first half, the Heat had one turnover which was maddening. Four turnovers from them for the whole game. That’s elite. Shout out to the Heat for not being the Celtics or the Warriors in regards to turning the ball over.

Oh, Kyle Lowry. Fuck you, Kyle. If I was a ref and I was working in a game with Kyle Lowry, I wouldn’t talk to him at all. He fouls every play and he genuinely believes that he doesn’t. His words are just noise. It’s insane how he does that praying hands gesture after he commits blatant fouls. It’s bad stuff. How Kyle Lowry survives these games without technical fouls is unbelievable. It just goes to show you that these NBA refs don’t have dicks. I think Penis Head Silver personally castrates all the male refs who start working for the league.

Himmy wasn’t bad but he wasn’t great. This loss isn’t on Himmy. It’s on Gabe Freaking Vincent and Schnitzel. A little bit as well on Nigerian Chupacabra for missing fourteen shots.

Oh, and one note from the commercials. Jalen Green paints his nails black?! That’s fucking disgusting. I despise Jalen Green. I’ve never watched him play a game but I see his box scores and the commercials he’s in. That’s someone who just wants to look pretty and be a model. Kinda like Jayson Tatum, but much more so. Those Bulgari cologne commercials that Jalen Green is in are off-putting. And now Jalen is acting in commercials with painted nails? Gross. You can’t convince me that Jalen Green isn’t really into interior decorating. You can’t convince me to endorse Jalen Green in any way. He’s “off my board” in fantasy basketball and I will thoroughly enjoy watching him ruin another person’s team. I definitely don’t have to worry about watching him play basketball because the Rockets are never making the playoffs with him. Screw Jalen Green and his dumb fucking hairdo.

HEAT 🔥(+3) over Nuggets ⛏

-No more drugs for me. Pussy and religion is all I need. Grab my hand and baby, we’ll live a hell of a life. My Black Kate Moss and I have been loving life together. Going days without an ounce of solid food. We’re just climbing the stairway to heaven with the black tar. Daring the other to be the first one to break the spell and eat a Klondike. We’ve been getting high off of fading the Heat for some time now, but I’m ready to get sober. At least for the weekend. I just want to have Gabe Freaking Vincent on my side for once. Him and Gandalf the White. That, and I just have a hard time believing that the Heat will lose both of these home games. I was walking around absolutely convinced that the Heat were going to win that game 3 but Christian Brawny came to save me. I’d like to be able to walk around and not have that sinking suspicion that the Heat will make me rue the decision to fade them. Thanks.

Record: 40-41-1

Buyer’s remorse? No, not that remorse. Survivor’s remorse? No, all the people who are dead, deserve to be dead. The kind of remorse that is permeating my body at the moment is a taboo kind of remorse. One that doesn’t have a cute name or get talked about in an academic way. Junkie’s remorse. The kind of regret that’s real. That feeling on your death bed where you look your children in the eyes and lie to them about not regretting anything in life but really, all you wanted was one more ride on the crystal blue.

That’s how I feel. I could’ve faded the Heat, and watched Gabe Freaking Vincent play like a second-team All-Big-West player, but no. Gabe Freaking Vincent conned my feeble brain into believing he was some kind of unstoppable offensive force. Fuck me. I hate this. The playoffs need to end on Monday.

Shakira wasn’t shown in the crowd. I guess her feminine intuition told her that game 4 was going to be ugly. Shakira was right. Kyle Lowry did all he could but it wasn’t half of what was needed. Jesus Christ. The first half happened and I was relying on Kyle Lowry to make me not feel like the world’s biggest retard. That’s why you blindly fade the Heat. Because when it doesn’t work out like it didn’t yesterday, the game looks like it is being played between one professional team and some other team. Another team that plays in a different league. A league with a maximum height, weight, athleticism, and skill threshold. The Heat are a Bundesliga team masquerading as an NBA team.

That game absolutely broke my will, but it was nice to see a first-rate showing from the hottest crowd in the NBA, and probably professional sports. Every woman in the crowd is someone you would sacrifice your eighty-five-year-old grandma for.

There was one lady who wasn’t going along with the dress code and wore orange. She was behind the baseline on the Heat’s side of the court. Heavy cosmetic surgery. Super hot. Her husband was wearing white. Did he say something to his woman before they left for the Kaseya Center? Something like, “Hey babe, ummm, everyone will be wearing white. Are you trying to look like an escaped convict?” Orange Lady’s beau is lazy. He needs some testicular fortitude. He needs to release that woman back into the wild, where she belongs. Sure, he might cry about it on the release day, but it’s the right thing to do. He’s wealthy. He can afford to hobnob around town and find a woman who won’t disrespect him by wearing orange to an event where everyone is wearing white. Orange Lady’s man should be an NBA referee since Penis Head Silver won’t have to cut his dick off. Did Orange Lady want to get into a heated (pun!) argument? Is that why she decided to be the only one wearing orange?! Was wearing orange her way of silently protesting attending a sports game with inconvenient lavatories?

“Sure honey, I’ll go with you to your silly game where you watch all the Blacks and that one European Cyclops throw a ball around, but I’m wearing orange.”

“OK! Whatever you want babe! Thank you for affirming my existence by being with me!”

Orange Lady cheats on her husband. That’s something a woman would do who wears orange to an event with an all-white dress code.

Penis Head Silver must have been at that game, but the broadcast didn’t show him or his Wooden Padel Wife. However, the broadcast did show Mrs. Voldemort. That’s a woman with a round face! That’s a woman who sticks out sitting next to a Latina Nuclear Weapon. It would be wild to see a lineup of all the NBA WAGS and see Mrs. Voldemort. Mrs. Voldemort doesn’t have any cosmetic surgery, fake eye-contacts, or physical embellishments of any kind, but she’s happily married to the best player in the league. He Who Shall Not Be Named. Thank God, ABC didn’t show another cringe “Joker” graphic. Hopefully, the Important People who make decisions for ABC have realized what a gross image Lord Voldemort dressed up as the Joker is. Probably not though. They’re probably deep in the bag for that shitty nickname.

Lord Voldemort is just absurd. Every close shot he takes feels automatic. Those close shots must break Nigerian Chupacabra’s will to live. They certainly broke mine as someone who picked the Heat to cover and told some people to take the Heat money line. Lord Voldemort is just an emotionally-crushing basketball player. Those thirty-foot threes he takes are probably even more backbreaking than the close shots he swishes with three people around him. Just absurd. Half of the shots he misses just get rebounded by the Nuggets. How did anyone think that Joel Embiid was Lord Voldemort’s equal? That’s plainly silly. Lord Voldemort had a bad game and still broke Nigerian Chupacabra’s will to live. Maybe Nagini can bother to say Lord Voldemort’s birth name correctly, or just start calling him the Dark Lord.

Holy fuck Nagini was jaw-dropping. If I wasn’t so devasted from my retarded decision to pick the Heat, I would be screaming, “Thank You!” after several plays from Nagini. It’s wild how Nagini can look impotent one day, and then turn it around and start clapping ass like that. Nagini even looked comfortable at the free-throw line! Yes, he missed one still, but the look on his face wasn’t abject fear while he shot free throws. Wild. Nagini was being decisive and made quick decisions about where to move when he had the ball close to the basket. He wasn’t letting Gabe Freaking Vincent guard him without getting called for a foul or allowing a layup. Nagini led the Nuggets in scoring! They must be undefeated when that happens and the roster is completely healthy. This Nuggets team is loaded. The Ministry of Magic was taken over in three seconds by Lord Voldemort and this squad of Death Eaters.

Heat Coach looked hopeless in this game. Every foul that the refs called on the Heat made Heat Coach look like a magic button was pressed which caused one of his twenty Philapeano cousins to have a micro bomb detonate in their brain. The refs actually called fouls on the Heat too. Unlike most games, the Heat didn’t get every debatable call. The Heat can’t win fairly officiated games against Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

The most memorable officiating moment from that curb-stomping was when Duncan Robinson kicked the ball out of bounds and neither of the two refs who were closest to Duncan knew if he kicked it. Fortunately Scott Foster saw that Duncan kicked the ball out. Those things weren’t what made that memorable. Neither was the fact that it happened at the end of the game. What made it memorable was that Kyle Lowry was right next to Duncan and immediately pointed toward the Nugget’s side of the court. The side where the Heat played offense. That ball was obviously kicked out-of-bounds by Duncan. Kyle must have missed that. Seriously, these refs have to be briefed before these games that everything from Kyle Lowry is a lie. God bless Kyle Lowry. He was the second-best player for the Heat yesterday, but he is a liar, a scammer, and a cheater. Kyle Lowry redeemed the Heat’s decision to sign him to big money with this playoff run, but if I played pick-up basketball with someone like Kyle Lowry, there would be a fight that had to be broken up. That, or I’d find a new place to play. Kyle Lowry was the only Heat defender who could guard Nagini. Oh, and Kyle Lowry was also making threes and living at the free-throw line. Kyle Lowry is better than Chris Paul. I don’t care if you think that’s silly. It’s what I believe and what I will espouse until my last breath.

Kyle was second to Himmy. Himmy missed two free throws before halftime, but that was pretty much the only blemish on his night. He’s dragging this Heat squad that shouldn’t be playing in the Finals. Himmy was punking Jrue Holiday in the first round, and laying waste to the Celtics’ organization in the Leastern Conference Finals, and now Himmy is tired. That’s perfectly fine, but that’s also why the Heat has zero chance against the Death Eaters. At the end of this game, Himmy showed his utter exhaustion by losing a battle against Christian Brawny and then getting the ball poked away by Our Favorite Black Realtor near the basket on a following possession. Does Heat Coach tell his players not to mess with Christian Brawny? Seriously, that dude is a wild dog on defense. Don’t try to score on Christian Brawny, Heat Players! It won’t end well! Maybe Gandalf the White knows that now since Christian Brawny blocked his undrafted ass when Gandalf the White tried to go iso against Brawny. Good luck with that Gandalf!

Our Favorite Black Realtor had that courageous defensive stand on Himmy, and then the very next possession got Nigerian Chupacabra to come up short on a close shot. The kind of shot that Lord Voldemort would never miss. Oh, and Our Favorite Black Realtor had a forty-foot ally-oop to Nagini that could not have been more well-placed. Our Favorite Black Realtor is ready for his second championship! How did Monte Morris turn into Our Favorite Black Realtor?!

Nigerian Chupacabra missed that critical shot while Our Favorite Black Realtor was on him, but Nigerian Chupacabra missed a lot of those shots in this game. You look at the box score and usually find that Nigerian Chupacabra has a one-to-one ratio for shot attempts and points. That’s because he just takes fourteen-foot push shots that go in slightly less than half the time. That’s not championship offense and it’s part of the reason that the Heat are beyond screwed. Great block on Limp Dick though!

Limp Dick didn’t make as many shots as in game three but he also had zero turnovers! Limp Dick had one of those games that makes me feel like an asshole for wanting to trade him. Limp Dick is a willing screener on offense and most players in the NBA who are Limp Dick’s size are not that. Dame definitely has no interest in screening for other players. Obviously Trae Young doesn’t either.

But one more thing about Nigerian Chupacabra! He waited until the game was out of reach to start dribbling toward the rim for layups. Nigerian Chupacabra is really good at dribbling but he doesn’t try to break people down during games. You see Nigerian Chupacabra in warmups and he obviously has a great handle, but then the game starts and he refuses to look at the rim. Nigerian Chupacabra needs to be brave and start trying to play offense like Kyrie Swirving.

Fuck the Heat. They had Lord Voldemort not play for most of the fourth quarter and they still got owned by Nagini and Our Favorite Black Realtor. Despite the ABC broadcast steadfastly showing graphics detailing how the Heat wait until the fourth quarter to play well. Ugh, I’m in tatters. Why did I pick the freaking Heat?! I hate them!

Oh, American Eagle was great. He somehow made a bunch of threes. American Eagle's three-point attempts never inspire confidence from me but sometimes he makes them. During the third quarter, it felt like American Eagle was prepared to die in service of his country. That was a man who was playing hard. Oh well. He’ll be in Bora Bora soon. Shout out to Nagini.

Heat 🔥(+9) over NUGGETS ⛏

-The Nuggets didn’t cover at home against the Lakers. This is a lot of points. The Heat might make some threes. Whatever. I fucking hate this but I really think it’s possible the Nuggets don’t blow out the Heat in a win. Plus everyone just saw that shit-pumping that the Nuggets gave to the Heat so everyone will be on Lord Voldemort’s dick. As well they should, but I’m just going to be on the other side of the aisle in this game. It sucks.

Record: 41-41-1 (LOL)

Thank you Black Baby Jesus this series is over. This Death Eater squadron is a beautiful team to behold, but the Heat very much is not that. Bless Lord Voldemort for casting a killing curse on the Miami Muggles. Bless Himmy for deciding to make threes (and get nonsense three-shot fouls) in the final three minutes of the game. Somewhere far along this road, Himmy lost the juice in his lower body from carrying Nigerian Chupacabra and Gabe Freaking Vincent to the fucking Finals. Himmy lost his soul to the Dark Lord which is completely understandable.

Nine points were always too many, and only suckers bet the Death Eaters in game 5.

The ABC people who are in charge of what’s shown on the broadcast, do their jobs differently than the TNT people did for Denver games. With ABC, there are crowd shots of players’ families. With TNT, there are crowd shots of male Denver thirty-year-olds in the middle of ‘roid-rages that are inspired by too many Red Bulls.

Somehow, in game 5, the broadcast missed less game-action than they’ve been usually missing. There wasn’t any replay that ran too long and caused real-time game action to be missed. Good for ABC to be competent in that respect.

Red Pants Dude is Denver’s version of the Heat lady who wears Met Gala outfits to Heat games. That guy traveled to Miami to watch the Death Eaters in his red pants. Shout out to that guy for carving out a niche for himself.

The hottest woman in the Denver crowd was the lady in the jeans and white shirt. She might have been twenty. Heat Coach definitely farted in her face. She was sitting in the most visible seats for the television audience. Not the seats that Ciara and Russell Wilson were sitting in. The courtside seats that faced the broadcast camera. Red Pants Dude had the visible seats but on the Death Eaters’ side of the court. Ciara wore an outfit that made you think that she was trying to not be identified, sitting next to her husband. Or that she was a lady who was beginning her rapid atrophy into middle age. Ciara’s time has come and gone. The same can be said for Sean Payon’s Plastic Wife. My goodness, that woman looks crazy. Sean Payton and his wife have a couple’s discount for all the plastic surgery that they undertake. Who are the women in the United States who grow up aspiring to be a Coach’s Wife? The women like Sean Payton’s Plastic Wife, that’s who.

Ten years ago, it was Ciara and Sean Payton’s Plastic Wife’s time. Now it’s White Shirt/Jeans Chick’s time. White Shirt/Jeans Chick didn’t make it back to her seat at the start of the third quarter. Red Pants Dude did though!

Overall, the crowd in Denver was maybe a quarter as attractive as the Miami Crowd. Maybe. You could talk me into a tenth. You were not identifying nuclear weapons everywhere you looked. Mrs. Voldemort wasn’t being singled out as an obvious Plain Jane in Denver.

If you couldn’t tell or didn’t already know, game 5 was boring. There were a lot of missed shots and turnovers (Limp Dick!). The Death Eaters won because Lord Voldemort can catch the ball and insist that he gets a close shot that he makes. Lord Voldemort is just an unstoppable force. Kyle Lowry can guard Nagini on post-ups, but Kyle Lowry can’t guard Lord Voldemort under similar circumstances. Lord Voldemort is from Yugoslavia, and over there, you eat what you kill. Nagini is from Silicon Valley, and “war-torn” is not one of the adjectives you use to describe that place. “War-torn”, however, is very much a describer of the place that Kyle Lowry is from (North Philadelphia). You need to have heard gunshots every day of your childhood to be capable of scoring on Kyle Lowry close to the basket. Gunshots, or firsthand witnessing of someone being stabbed and having their intestines ripped out of their body as their consciousness slowly fades to black. Kyle Lowry is just a great basketball player, and anyone who says that he is/was better than Chris Paul, has my respect. That opinion isn’t something that I necessarily believe in, but it’s an opinion that needs to be said because Kyle Lowry doesn’t get injured every year in the playoffs. Kyle Lowry had that one game 6 in The Finals for the Kawhi Raptors. Kyle Lowry was the second-best player for the Miami Heat in these Finals. Do you know what Chris Paul had? He had that one first-round against the Lakers when he was a Hornet. Maybe Chris Paul is better than Kyle Lowry, but to say that out loud is sacrilegious. Kyle Lowry has been better in the playoffs, and that’s what matters. Chris Paul has been better in State Farm commercials and unimportant first-round playoff series.

Kyle Lowry was the only Heat player who could score on Christian Brawny. That corner three that Kyle Lowry made over Brawny was critical for my record getting to five hundred. Did Kyle Lowry make a horrible mistake trying to iso against Nagini? Absolutely. That block that Nagini had was the picture of this series. A bigger, more athletic Death Eater blocking a midrange shot from a Heat player and igniting a fastbreak that culminated in a layup. That was the one mistake from Kyle Lowry though. Everything else from Kyle was inspired. He absolutely deserved that halftime interview with Aunt Jemima (RIP). Speaking of Auntie J, there was a picture of her, Mike Breen, JVG, and Cocaine-Nose Marc Jackson. Aunt Jemima definitely weighs more than Mike Breen, and probably JVG as well. So shout out to pancakes.

Himmy missed a lot of shots, but he had some of those steals where he intercepts passes and starts fastbreaks. Himmy was fine. He missed a pair of free throws again but he made all three of the free throws that he swindled the refs into awarding him in the fourth quarter. Himmy needed the series to end. Himmy had the energy to shoot in the fourth quarter and the first quarter, but he needed something from Nigerian Chupacabra and/or Gabe Freaking Vincent during the middle of the game. Gabe Freaking Vincent was dogshit again, and it will stay with me for the rest of my life how inexplicably terrified I was of Gabe Freaking Vincent during the Leastern Conference Playoff Games. Gabe Freaking Vincent was so atrocious that DeAndre Jordan blocked his shot! Fuck you, Gabe!

Nigerian Chupacabra did that thing again where he finishes games with a one-to-one ratio for shot attempts and points. That’s because Nigerian Chupacabra missed a lot of close shots during the fourth quarter. Nigerian Chupacabra will make two close shots in a row, and then take a heat-check fourteen-footer. A heat-check that bounces off the front part of the rim. Nigerian Chupacabra lost confidence in himself. He does that a lot. When the Heat needed someone to shoot in the fourth quarter, Nigerian Chupacabra hid behind Lord Voldemort so that his teammates wouldn’t pass him the ball. Being open and able to receive a pass, was not on Nigerian Chupacabra’s list of priorities during crunch time. At the beginning of the game, Nigerian Chupacabra was attacking the rim for layups, but that didn’t last. Nigerian Chupacabra missed a ten-foot fade away in the third quarter and didn’t look at the rim for five minutes. Seriously, it reflects poorly on Heat Coach how Nigerian Chupacabra routinely gets too scared to look at the basket. Heat Coach needs to call timeout when he sees that and remind Nigerian Chupacabra that that shit is flatly unacceptable.

Gandalf the White should petition NBA video-game makers for a perfect layup rating. It’s crazy how amazing Gandalf the White is at layups.

Somehow, Boy Toy climbed out of the abyss. Boy Toy actually made a three in this game! Everyone in Denver cheers too loudly when Boy Toy makes a shot, including the Nuggets bench. There were dunks in this game that got half as much applause as most made shots from Boy Toy. Call me crazy, but I don’t like how Lord Voldemort has to say goodbye to Brucey because Boy Toy is taking up too much cap space. Boy Toy signed a big contract, and players who sign that contract shouldn’t require the entire home arena to go crazy for a single wide-open three. Seriously, it got so bad for Boy Toy, that the Heat started leaving him open in the corner, and he still missed. I used to like Boy Toy, but now I need him banished. He can go get injured in Charlotte. Maybe he can have another back surgery and then get the Hornets to the playoffs and have a Serious Writer make a story about how courageous Boy Toy is for persevering through four back surgeries to get swept in the first round of the Leastern Conference Playoffs.

Coach Michael Malone tried to placate Boy Toy by allowing him to finish that game, but then Himmy made some shots so Coach Michael Malone had to get real and put Brucy back in the game for Boy Toy.

Is there a thirstier assistant coach than Ryan Saunders? That dude is always standing up and shouting. It was almost like his dad was a coach and he taught his son the importance of looking like a coach while the games were happening. Ryan Saunders is patiently waiting for the right time to stab Coach Michael Malone in the back and take over head coaching duties for the Death Eaters.

After the final buzzer, Lord Voldemort immediately went over to all the Heat players and congratulated them on their Finals appearance. Lord Voldemort does not have emotions or feelings. Mrs. Voldemort does though! You saw her screaming and fist-bumping and you understood how Eastern Europe makes the best athletes in the world. Something in her face makes me think that Mrs. Voldemort knows how to gut someone with a machete.

Markieff Morris smartly decided to skip this game. The Jokic family would easily win a war with the Morris family.

Since the Flash is being portrayed by the “It” from Perks Of Being A Wallflower, does that mean that there’s a gay sex scene in the movie to promote equal love? Brokeback Mountain meets Marvel Comics!

Thank God this series is over. Overall, these playoffs were light years ahead of last year’s. Way fewer blowouts. But this year’s Finals was worse than Celtics-Warriors. There was no version of Basketball Jesus’ Game 4 from 2022.

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