Day 1

2023 Record: 0-0

Record: 0-0

“We’re gonna go on even more adventures. And you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about it… because the world is full of idiots who don’t understand what’s important. And they’ll tear us apart. But if you stick with me, I’m gonna accomplish great things, and you’re gonna be a part of them.”

Nickname/Acronym Glossary

Lord Voldemort/The Dark Lord/He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named/Tom Riddle: Nikola Jokic. Strong physical resemblance to Ralph Fiennes and comparable skills to The Dark Lord. Mastered the three unforgivable curses.

Limp Dick: Jamal Murray. He made a personal porn video on Instagram that was lacking in all ways. Non-existent plot line. The ugliest pubic hair imaginable. A Kentucky student who wasn’t attractive. That woman might not have been something that would start a World War in 1920, but she deserved a firmer, more resolute penis than what Limp Dick was offering in that sexual encounter.

After Limp Dick made that impossible layup over Frida Kahlo in last year's conference finals, I swore off imagining another player in his place. It’s a difficult promise to keep but I’m trying my darndest. Limp Dick does that mess with his eyebrows and if LaMelo didn’t also do it I would point to that as being a serious character issue but LaMelo does that mess with his eyebrows too so I just have to purse my lips and hold in my dissatisfaction with Limp Dick.

Boy Toy: Michael Porter Jr. Hey, I used to really like this dude. I used to constantly remind my editor of my infatuation with Boy Toy. How the ball swishes through the net in a different way when Boy Toy makes his shots. How Boy Toy gets Grown Man Rebounds (GMR). How Boy Toy has pictures on the Google machine of him with dyed blonde hair. But then last year’s playoffs happened and Boy Toy was clearly worse than Brucey. Boy Toy missed lots of shots, took low-quality shot attempts, couldn’t bend down to pick up loose balls, and just generally played like a little boy. Not great. Oh, and when Coach Michael Malone sat his ass for Brucey, Boy Toy pouted on the bench with some truly apathetic body language. Now, when I was a young person, I never wanted to be someone that bitched about body language and I’m not really that person now but “truly apathetic” isn’t a behavior I can tolerate from players while their team is burning down the league on the way to a championship. At least sit up straight. God, I’m a crusty old man now. So now his nickname has a significant condescending tone. A lack of seriousness for a player who really disappointed me and The Dark Lord last year. Maybe Boy Toy will rebound this year but this nickname is etched in stone.

Nagini: Aaron Gordon. The Dark Lord's lethal weapon of choice against muggles who can’t do magic and fight off a charmed snake of death. Aaron Gordon wasn’t worthwhile before The Dark Lord made him noteworthy. When Aaron Gordon goes to the free-throw line and gets those big, scared-shitless eyes, I have zero faith in him making them. When it gets to crunch time, I worry that Aaron Gordon is going to let down The Dark Lord just like Nagini did by getting murked by Neville Fucking Longbottom. Yes, Aaron Gordon was fantastic in last year’s playoffs, but I just don’t trust that dude to make shots that aren’t dunks. It’s unfair but maybe if Aaron Gordon was an acceptable free-throw shooter I would trust him.

Christian Brawny: Christian Braun. We freaking love Christian Brawny. Most years I tell one person who I endorse among the crop of NBA rookies. Rookies who are drafted later. Players who either get me excited during the NCAA tournament or catch my eye during Las Vegas Summer League. Two years ago, that player was Christian Brawny. Last year, it was GG Jackson after watching GG be bigger and more athletic than everyone on the court in Las Vegas Summer League.

When The Finals happened, Christian Brawny was taking the ball out of Jimmy Butler’s hands and dunking that thang. When Christian Brawny screams, we scream. That dude is a soldier. I want him on my basketball team. Christian Brawny attacks the basket trying to kill people. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me but for some reason, I swear that I heard the NCAA commentators saying that his mom took him and a bunch of Kansas Whites to national AAU tournaments as middle schoolers to kick major black ass. I couldn’t find anything on the Google machine to corroborate this so I’m not sure, but in my version of reality, this isn’t fake news or my mind playing tricks on me. Christian Brawny’s mother is a good mom. Unlike Boy Toy’s white mom. Boy Toy’s mom went about creating NBA progeny by having ten mixed babies. Christian Brawny went Quality over Quantity. You don’t hear about Christian Brawny’s siblings getting kicked out of professional sports leagues for throwing games.

Christian Brawny is absolutely on the starting five of NBA USA Whites. The other four are Chet Holmgren, Duncan Robinson, TJ McConnell, and Alex Caruso. Never Tyler Herro. That dude is no good. And I know Grayson Allen was the best three-point shooter this year but he was a bonafide target when he played defense for the Bucks.

Our Favorite Black Realtor: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. I could’ve sworn that there was a reality firm titled Coldwell-Jones, but I have a sinking suspicion that it’s actually just Coldwell Banker. It’s not worth looking up. Anyways, the name of that firm that my mind tricked me into believing is pretty close to Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and I really like KCP as a basketball player. He plays basketball like a good person. Willing to die for loose balls. Not afraid to take open threes with zero hesitation. Not afraid to set screens against larger humans. Started a (black) family with someone he found at Georgia. Won a title for the Lakers. Gets steals. Doesn’t turn over the basketball. If I were ever in the position to purchase a single-family residence with cash, I would be honored to have Our Favorite Black Realtor as my purchasing agent. I would go to sleep a happy man knowing that a small percentage of the closing price was earmarked to supporting Our Favorite Black Realtor and his four children.

Brucey: Bruce Brown. Not really a nickname, just an affectionate term. We love Brucey and last year, we thought that the Nuggets screwed up by not trading Boy Toy so that they could pay Brucey. Brucey plays basketball like a good person. Just like Our Favorite Black Realtor. Brucey dunks that basketball and obviously enjoys going coast-to-coast with the defensive rebounds he procures. We greatly admire Brucey for talking all that shit to D’Angelo Russell last year and constantly reminding DLo what a little piece of celery he was. It’s a shame that Brucey is banished to Siberia (Toronto). Let’s all say a quick prayer to get Brucey back on the Nuggets because he is a worthy Death Eater for The Dark Lord.

French Rejection: Rudy Gobert. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list.

Little Game James: James Harden. We hate this faggot. In one of my past lives, my editor and I went to Las Vegas to perform as “entertainers” and we watched Little Games James dribble the ball off his leg out-of-bounds against the Durant Warriors in a short-term-rental home owned and operated by a Chinaman named Jack. Jack was a thrifty fellow and didn’t mind sweating out the Las Vegas summers in his home while watching NBA Playoff Basketball. Fun times.

I believe it was the Rockets team with Chris Paul on it. That effort from Little Game James was just disgusting. Every Rocket just stood around on offense and watched as Little Game James pissed away the season with turnovers. It was truly repugnant. What’s worse is that Little Game James does that every year in the playoffs. That first 76ers flameout against the Heat made me hate myself for watching playoff basketball. Little Game James was literally sitting down on the court as the Heat threw fastbreak ally-oops to Bam Adebayo. That was so gross. To this day I can’t look at people who wear 76ers-branded clothes and not think less of them for sticking with a team that quit as obviously as that 76ers team did against the Miami Heat. Yes, I know that Little Game James had a couple of really good games last year against the Celtics. No, I don’t care at all. He still quit on that series during the last two games. Those three years will always be in my mind but I’m sure that in the other years with the Rockets, Little Game James made similar dogshit efforts to win in the playoffs. Oh yeah, and I’ll always remember the library that I was watching the Rockets comeback over the Clippers that happened after Kevin McHale put Little Game James’ sad-ass on the bench and allowed the Rockets to win a road playoff game because of Josh Smith and Trevor Arize. Screw Little Game James. It saddens me that he’s from LA. He tarnishes the hallowed legacy of professional basketball players from Los Angeles, the basketball capital of the world.

Men who hide behind beards like Little Game James are men who can’t perform when the stakes are highest. Seriously, what kind of guy has a beard like that? Don’t they want the skin on their face to touch the woman who they’re kissing?! I don’t understand. I’ll never understand.

Stormin’ Norman: Norman Powell. He was a part of my favorite team ever, the 2019 Kawhi Raptors. I made an illegal sports wager on their regular season win total Over and told everyone who came near me that they were going to win the championship, Durant Warriors be damned. Stormin Norman is really good and I admire him. Great shot, super athletic, willing to dunk on your ass. We love Stormin Norman.

Westbroke: Russell Westbrook. There are many different types of nicknames for him that rearrange his last name but this one is mine.

Dragon/Lord Luka: Luka Doncic. This dude is a party and I hate that I didn’t have the chance to watch him last year. “Lord Luka” was the nickname I used to use but I’m willing to forget that Goran Dragic was the original “Dragon” and just use that nickname for Luka Doncic. The only other Lord besides Lord Voldemort. I still watch the YouTube video of Lord Luka screaming at Patrick Beverly after getting an and1 on his black ass. Goosebumps.

Durantula: Kevin Durant. This was his nickname during the beginning of his career but Kevin voiced discontent with it so all the pussies who write about basketball for money stopped calling him this. I’ll keep calling Kevin the Durantula. I don’t get a cent for writing about basketball.

Saboner: Domantas Sabonis. He’s really bad and he handicaps the professional basketball team that I’ve been brainwashed into thinking fondly of. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when they lose in the most spiritually crushing way possible but I will always have some officially branded basketball shorts of the team from Sacramento. No matter how far you move away from Sacramento, you’ll always be a Manchurian Candidate who will start clanging the cow bell once they start winning in the playoffs. Yes, I was screaming “MALIK MONK” during last year’s playoffs. Anyways, Saboner sucks and last year he made Kevon Looney look what I imagine Moses Malone to have been. Saboner misses shots, is slow, doesn’t block shots or get steals, and gets max money. He’s perfect for Sacramento. Someone who puts up meaningless numbers that will allow suckers to get their hopes up before the real season starts and reality comes back. I hate Saboner. He has everyone in Sacramento in Stockholm Syndrome.

Kindergartner: Davion Mitchell. He’s very small.

Hurt Locker: Kevin Huerter. I haven’t seen this movie in a long time but I think it’s good. Kevin Huerter is not good. He missed every shot against the Warriors in last year’s playoffs. Another shitty player for Sacramento.

Black Falcon: Harrison Barnes. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. It also makes me laugh because this dude is culturally caucasian.

Queens: The Sacramento professional basketball team. The biggest clown show in the league. Don’t get me wrong, if they’re competitive in a playoff series I won’t stop wearing the aforementioned purple basketball shorts with the early-2000s Kings chevron on them, but no one in this world hates this team as much as I do. They always choose bad players instead of good ones which I don’t appreciate. Their owner is a clown who coaches girls' basketball with too much enthusiasm. In the .5% of futures where I have a daughter who likes playing basketball and I’m forced to “coach” them, I would constantly play mind games with them and try to get them to quit because if they keep playing basketball, they’re going to tear their ACLs and no one wants that.

“Hey Sally, you look tired. Want to quit the team?”

“No coach! I’ll keep running!”

“Sally, I think you should quit. I’ve been watching you run, and it’s only a matter of time before you rupture your Achilles. Your knees knock against each other when you try to run fast. It’s for the best that you start swimming. Or tennis. Maybe water polo. Really anything but basketball.”

“No, coach! I’m not a quitter!”

“Jesus Christ. Alright, girls. Hear that? Sally isn’t a quitter. Everyone, get on the line.”

(On my team, we run until someone throws up. It’s usually Sally, my daughter’s best friend. My daughter is one of those girls who has one much uglier friend who she keeps around as a humanoid emotional support device. Sally has a bunch of polaroids of my daughter in her room. ‘We’ includes me. I’m not letting an opportunity to get some intense sprinting slip through my forty-year-old fingers. For every sprint that the girls do, I do two. And I still beat them. Because I’ll die before I let some high school girls beat me in a physical test.)

The girls would form a bizarre appreciation for my naked dismissal of the women’s game and my callousness at their earnest effort to improve themselves. They would convince themselves that there is a little part of me that could grow to enjoy “coaching” a bunch of newborn giraffes to make a wide-open layup but I wouldn’t change. The whole season I would take a perverse pleasure in making the players cry (even my own daughter) and all their misplaced determination to win me over would be for nothing. Sure, they’d get a lot better but I’d still be an unrepentant asshole to the whole lot of them. The only reason that no one would replace me is because every other Dad would make up some kind of excuse to not be around the daughter they never wanted, and all the moms are too caught up in how big and strong I look in a polo shirt while I “coach” the games. When I say “coach”, all that means is call some timeouts and make sure that the premade substitution schedule is adhered to. Screaming and wild pointing are two things that the horny mothers would never see me doing. They think that I’m “calm and collected”, but really I just don’t give a shit about a stupid girls basketball game. I just think it’s better that my daughter comes home physically exhausted and too tired to bother me.

What does this have to do with the Queens owner? Well, he coached his daughter, and safe to say, he pumped all of the players’ minds with ridiculous ideas of importance. Like what he was doing with ten-year-old girls was serious enough to make him a credible professional basketball person. The Queens owner and I would go about coaching ten-year-old girls very differently, and I think that that’s why the Queens owner does so much retarded mess. I would be an amazing owner of a professional basketball team and I think that granting interviews about what an amazing women’s basketball coach you are is something that only a basketball-retard would do. A basketball-retard like the Queens owner. Coaching women's basketball is a quiet shame. A burden that you don’t talk about with other people, let alone journalists.

So now the Queens have to deal with an owner who green-lights picking Marvin Fagley over Lord Luka, banishing Isaiah Thomas, signing Saboner to a max contract, and many, many other dumbass things. Screw this team. I hate them.

Fucks: Milwaukee Bucks. They always screw me when the playoffs happen and I pick them to cover the spread.

Frida Kahlo: Anthony Davis. Physical resemblance. That’s all.

Basketball Jesus: Steph Curry. Game 4 of the 2022 Finals in Boston.

Handsome Squidward: Klay Thompson. I didn’t come up with this but I adopted it.

Money Green: Draymond Green. At the beginning of his career when he was good at offense, he made shirts that said “Money Green” on them. I still have mine but I don’t wear it. They were great shirts. “Money Green” is a dumb, fun thing to say.

Our Congolese Prince: Jonathan Kuminga. He’s from the Congo, and I thought he would be really good but now he’s missing too many shots, missing too many free throws, not getting enough steals or blocks, and just generally not delivering on the talent that I thought he could become. Does he get assists? Lol.

Maple Jordan: Andrew Wiggins. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. Now it’s a nickname that’s used sarcastically because he’s mentally weak and ready to quit on life at the slightest nudge.

Looney Tunes: Kevon Looney. In the 2023 (and 2022) playoffs, he played like what I imagine Moses Malone to have played like. Incredible.

Terminator: Lauri Markkanen. He’s not in the playoffs. Lauri looks like someone who could play the Terminator in those ‘80s movies so this is his nickname.

Nigerian Chubacabra: Every year I fade the Heat and avoid watching their games but they always advance and watching them becomes unavoidable. Anyways, there was this Scooby-Doo hourlong special a long time ago that centered around the gang finding a Chubacabra. That’s embedded in my brain. Bam Adebayo looks like a monster and he’s Nigerian so his nickname is Nigerian Chupacabra. Hopefully, that logic is not too hard to follow.

Gandalf the White: Caleb Martin. For making all those threes over Giannis Freakin’ Antetokounmpo. Then outplaying Jayson Tatum in the Leastern Conference Finals. So Giannis is the Balrog that Caleb Martin fell into a volcano with and emerged victorious. Making those threes over Giannis and making the gang signs that Caleb Martin was making last year is a perfect equivalent to fighting a mythical fire giant for ten days. In case it’s not clear, we love The Lord Of The Rings and believe it’s a miracle that three-hour movies can be as captivating as those three movies were. Also, shout out to Viggo Mortensen for being one of the three people who I remember my mom crushing on during my childhood. The other two? Ray “Cutey Patootie” Allen and Javier Bardem.

Ebola Embiid: Joel Embiid. When the playoffs start, Ebola Embiid gets winded six minutes into every game. We can tell because his ass doesn’t get low. In games that matter, we watch Ebola Embiid’s ass-level and that’s how we tell if he’s gassed or about to get gassed.

Every year, Joel Embiid gets Ebola and can’t advance past the semifinals. In ninth grade, my Biology teacher taught us about Ebola in between reminding us that she went to Stanford and waxed John Elway’s pole. So yeah, Ebola is constantly on my mind. Joel Embiid and Ebola are both from Africa.

Sam: Darius Garland. Samwise Gamgee. More LOTR! This little munchkin was impotent against the Knicks last year so his nickname is from the feckless hobbit.

Frodo: Donovan Mitchell. Frodo Baggins. Another hobbit who was helpless against the Knicks last year. Mitchell always gets embarrassed in the playoffs. Something about how he walks around and puts his hands on his hips makes me believe that he’s a real douchebag.

King Theoden: Evan Mobley. I was drinking the Kool-Aid when he was at USC. I thought that Evan was going to save American Basketball and continue the legacy of LA Professional Basketballers. King Theoden is the King of Rohan who is poisoned by Saruman’s spy Wormtongue. Once Wormtongue is banished, King Theoden can ascend to his rightful place as a worthy leader of Rohan… but Dan Gilbert doesn’t have the balls to trade Jarrett Allen. I’m losing faith in Evan Mobley and I’m quite disappointed.

Wormtongue: Jarrett Allen. The Cavs only have nicknames from LOTR. Wormtongue is ruining Evan Mobley and got anally penetrated by Mitchell Robinson last year. Wormtongue was running across the court like a prison-bitch against the Knicks last year.

My step-son: Mitchell Robinson. I “love” Mitchell. At least enough to take him out to Popeyes after his basketball games, but I don’t love him enough to spend countless hours fixing his free-throw form. His mother isn’t wise to that. She just sees me periodically attending Mitchell’s games and always paying for the team’s post-game Popeyes (Mitchell’s favorite). That’s enough to convince her that I really love Mitchell like a son. I do. I “love” Mitchell. I “love” that he blocks lots of shots and gets a fuck-ton of rebounds. But I don’t really love Mitchell. I wouldn’t die for Mitchell. I’d just cut a check for him. I won’t spend the time to fix his shot, I won’t have difficult but necessary conversations with Mitchell. I’m just there to have a good time with Mitchell (and his mother) and let her do the hard work of parenting a child. Hey, asking for more than that is unreasonable and even if you told Mitchell’s mother about how I could be giving more to Mitchell, she understands that I already do way more than what’s truly necessary to adequately support Mitchell (and keep us fucking).

My Ghetto Lovechild: Robert Williams III. Now this is someone who I would die for. I’ve taught Robert how to make a respectable amount of free throws, and I’ve even taught him how to pass the basketball in a smart way that keeps the offensive engine running. I’ve loved Robert ever since he did that windmill dunk in the NCAA tournament with Texas A&M. It hurts that Robert had to sit out this year and obviously he’s not a part of this year’s playoffs but there will never be a Nickname Glossary that doesn’t include My Ghetto Lovechild as a part of it. It fills my heart with joy that Brad Stevens gave My Ghetto Lovechild a guaranteed contract that ensured that My Ghetto Lovechild would have generational wealth.

My Son: Bogdan Bogdanovic. In the .8% of futures where I have a son who likes basketball, I’d imagine that he would play like Bogdan. Great shooter, passer, and dribbler. Huge. Long arms. An absolute killer who has no issue with taking and making the shot that decides the game. My Son shows that killer in him when he plays for Serbija. Yes, 60% of the .00004% of the world’s women who find me attractive are from Serbija or that general area. Did the Queens have My Son on their team and let him sign elsewhere? Absolutely. The Queens are a clown show basketball organization. I’m telling you this because it’s true.

Crazy Eyes: Bobby Portis. Look at him.

Alien Eyes: Derrick White. Look at him.

Bug Eyes: Jrue Holiday. Yes, he’s a “really nice guy”, but he’s a big reason why the Fucks always screw up my endorsements of them in the playoffs. He misses wide-open shots. So many shots that I have no qualms about saying this nickname with a certain amount of disdain. LA Professional Basketballer! Unlike Little Game James, Bug Eyes is not an embarrassment to the Holy Land.

Tin Man: Jaylen Brown. We loathe Jaylen Brown. Deep in the archives, I wrote a letter to the Tin Man and detailed what a fuckhead he is so I’m not going to get too deep into it here. I’ll just say that I can’t wait for Brad Stevens to trade his bitch-ass to Utah. Oh yeah, the explanation for the name! Jaylen Brown’s hips and joints are in desperate need of lubricant. Just like the Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz. I’m sure you’re wondering, and the answer is no. Jaylen has never attended Mat Pilates with Antonio Brown and me. He’s too busy marching for “civil liberty” or whatever boring cause he’s bitching about.

P Rabbit: Payton Pritchard. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. This is from the 8 Mile movie which my Dad took me to when it was released in theaters. I guess that movie was released in 2002, so I was eight years old. Shout out to my Dad.

Pygmy Hippo: Grant Williams. Listen, I harbor a certain amount of disdain for Grant because he screwed Lord Luka this year, but with the Celtics, he was really good in the playoffs. You could legitimately say that he was a Durant Stopper. Against the Fucks, he didn’t just take it in the ass from Giannis. He fought back. And last year against Jimmy, I respect Grant for what he did with Jimmy Butler. Unlike Jayson Tatum, Grant didn’t silently bear that black snake that Jimmy Butler unapologetically inserted into the Celtics’ rectum. Grant at least made an effort to avoid the unavoidable Jimmy anal penetration. We say “Pygmy Hippo” with a certain joy because it’s tough to think of a cooler illegal pet than a Pygmy Hippopotamus. I mean, I guess if you could guarantee that a Black Leopard wouldn’t end your life that would be cooler, but there would always be a part of your brain that was weary of a goddamn leopard stalking the yard. Maybe a Red Panda? Idk, Pygmy Hippos are pretty rad. Red Pandas would leave hair everywhere.

Pizza Guy: Isaiah Thomas. I guess he plays for the Suns! When he was the Queens’ best player, he did a bunch of commercials because he was the last pick in the draft. One of them was for a local pizza chain called “The Pizza Guys”. I’ve never been there but it's funny to me that a legitimate all-star like Isaiah Thomas was doing commercials for a local Sacramento pizzeria.

Canary Kerr: Steve Kerr. We say this with derision. We don’t like Canary Kerr. You just have to not be a retard like Marc Jackson to captain those Warriors teams. Canary Kerr stays fucking up younger players (like Our Congolese Prince). Never trust a White who does that mess with the front of their hair like Canary Kerr. I can think of three adult Whites who do that mess with the front of their hair and all three of them are joyless people who the world is better without. In fifth grade, there was a kid who did that mess with the front of his hair. He played basketball and one time he got upset with me and threw a basketball as hard as he could at me. Later, he apologized and said some dogshit about how his dad gets angry with him at home, or whatever. You know how that goes. People get roid-rage and then blame it on their parents. I’m sure his wife and children are having a grand old time dealing with that now. Surely he has “fixed” those uncontrollable outbursts. LMAO, of course, he hasn’t. I don’t know that for sure but I would be shocked if his wife wasn’t one of those women who stuck around out of fear. Like separating would be too difficult. Getting a job would be too much. Better to just grin and bear the roid-rage and maintain the status quo. Shout out to Nicholas Lampl. Google told me that he’s a physical therapist. Perfect cover job for a domestic abuser. Moral of the story is never trust a White who does that mess with the front part of their hair.

Reptile Marc: Marc Cuban. This guy is a real douchebag. A huckster. I heard him talk a long time ago and what I remember is that he sounded like someone who researched what kind of curse words are hot on the streets and practiced using them to sound like a proper Everyman. Reptile Marc has had way too much plastic surgery. There’s a reason why everything around Lord Luka in Dallas is a tire fire. It’s because Reptile Marc is a shameful huckster who is incompetent. Put him on the list of owners who I would be light years ahead of.

Penis Head Silver: Adam Silver. We say this nickname with odious murth. I’ve been trying to think why I loathe this man, and I think it’s mostly because we lived through the pandemic together and I saw how he used the CoCo as an excuse to shut down the NBA and hide behind “flattening the curve”, “listening to the science”, and all the other nonsense words that most people in charge of things were saying. Dana White and Roger Goodell, Adam Silver was not. If I was Jewish I would really hate this guy. I’d wish death to his entire family and not just him because of what an embarrassment Adam is to the Jewish race. This nickname centers around Adam's resemblance to a penis when he wears a suit (which is always). One thing I will be remiss to omit is that this dude talks with his hands way too much for my liking. It’s just how I was raised. Like how the Mexicans in Compton are raised to always have a blood feud with blacks. Penis Head Silver does that thing where he extends his hands out from his chest, palms facing him. He probably read in a book that you make that body signal when you’re trying to build consensus. Screw him. In my book, leaders aren’t consensus builders. Women are consensus builders, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Leaders are people who get things done. Who try stuff. Not people who hide behind Covid phrases in an effort to seem smart or “in accordance with science”. Oh and when they show Penis Head Silver on the broadcast, he’s always rapt in discussion with some Big Business Dude and couldn’t give less of a fuck about the game in front of him. That’s why I think he doesn’t like the game that he’s in charge of. Screw this dude. Oh yeah, don’t forget that he majored in “Political Science”. Literally, everyone that does that is an insufferable douchebag.

My Basketball Twin Flame: Brad Stevens. Basketball Savant. I’ve been accused of looking like this guy, and I welcome it. This guy seems smart. He left a plush coaching job so that Ime Udoka could lead the huddle in between fucking the hot office workers. That’s something that I would do. I would have the sense to quit when it was time and leave the coaching gig to someone who was extremely competent, sexual proclivities be damned. What Brad and I care about is winning. Above all else, we want to win. We don’t give two fucks about the faceless office lady who gets herself involved with the talented coach who we leave the throne to. Who she has sex with is her business and the consequences of that are hers. We bear zero responsibility for the consensual inter-organization affair that the new coach has. Ime isn’t afraid to call out Jayson Tatum for being a soft little bitch and that’s what Brad and I care about. Playing good basketball. We couldn’t give less of a fuck about “public shame”.

If you’re still reading, I’m sure you are wondering who are the other people that I get accused of having a resemblance to. Those people would be: Daniel Tosh (uhh ok, sure), Lonzo Ball with better skin (LOL), Jesse Eisenberg (don’t let me get in a position to hurt you because I will), and Michael Porter Jr (I swear, I don’t believe this person has credibility but they said it. Boy Toy is much hotter than me).

CAC: Choke-Artist Charlatan. This was made for Lamar Jackson after losing to the Chiefs. I really loved Lamar and made a point to watch his Louisville games. He was supposed to be the heir to Michael Vick but when he plays in the playoffs, Lamar refuses to complete passes. This term can be used to describe people who choke in the playoffs like Lamar Jackson. People like Little Game James. Although I only refer to Little Games James by that nickname, calling him a CAC would be appropriate.

FYPOTP: Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs. Every year I make this pick against the spread ONCE. It has to happen after the first round. When my mind has turned to mush and I see a spread that makes me say, “Fuck You”. Two years ago, it was the first game after Ja Morant injured his knee against the Warriors and Tyus Jones started. The Grizzlies covered that game. Last year, it was the Heat to cover in game 7 versus the Celtics as a ~7.5 road underdog. I think the Heat won by twenty points. A storied tradition, the FYPOTP is.

CW: Competent White. I made this after watching Cody Zeller slide his feet on defense for the Miami Heat last year. Tyler Herro is not on this list.

POG: Prophet Of God. That’s me if I start getting a good against-the-spread record.

GMR: Grown Man Rebounds. Defensive rebounds when there are a bunch of people around.

Magic 🧞(+4.5) over CAVS 🤺

Suns ☀️(+1.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺

KNICKS 👖(-3.5) over 76ers 🔔

Lakers ⭐(+7.5) over NUGGETS ⛏️

Day 2

Record: 1-3

🎶It’s drastic, I’m past my limit of coke

I think I’ll up my high by slittin’ your throat

Push your baby carriage into the street ‘til it’s mince meat

Your mens been beat the minute I step onto your street 🎶

This is fight music. Yeah, yesterday was bad. How bad? Were there any physical changes that occurred as a result of watching that Suns-Wolves game as someone who picked the Suns to cover the number on the misguided belief that the preseason matters?

Yes, yes there were physical changes to my body and mind that happened as a result of watching that atrocity. My hands sporadically balled into fists without any conscious intention. My breathing started to get shallow. Full, fulfilling breaths were in short supply for several hours after that game. Also, those shallow breaths seemed connected to my ears somehow. Each unsatisfying exhale felt connected to my ears. Ears that felt hot and numb at the same time. In a single word, I was “seething”.

Listen, I’m a fucking retard. I don’t write things down when it comes to picking these games against the spread. I hold grudges from last year. You can show me every year that in the first round, favorites usually cover and that all you have to do in late April is pick the favorite. All of that would be for not though, because I’m a fucking retard and I literally can’t comprehend what I’m being told. You’ll see me nodding in agreement as I’m being told critical lessons of survival with picking games, but then tomorrow comes and everything washes away. I’m back to being a fucking retard. All that time spent listening to serious wisdom yesterday would be for nothing. You’re the fool for trying to teach me.

According to my extremely brief perusal through the archives, there’s usually some fun, fake dialogue and smart remarks regarding the accouterments of the actual game before I get into the basketball sicko minutiae. Things like, wow the Hot Ref was chatting up a storm with Brad Beal before the game. I’ve been waiting for the Hot Ref to work the games during the time that I actually watch what’s happening! Oh wait, she’s an alternate. She’s there for emotional support and if one of the other dipshit refs gets injured running up and down the court while blowing air into a whistle and moving their arms. Jesus Christ, all these refs are the same. Not all of these refs are the Hot Ref. Ashley Moyer-Something. Gleich? She did that thing that black and Spanish women do where they add words to their last name after getting married. Cumbersome stuff. Names should be short and easy to say. Moyer-Gleich is neither of those. Fun fact, the guy that “taught her how to ref”, was cunning enough to emotionally ensnare her with his penis and declare her as his woman. Smart guy. No wonder he decided to be one of those dudes who fixes houses during the day and only periodically blow air into a whistle during prestigious men's college basketball games.

Brad Beal had a great time talking to the Hot Ref. Almost as good of a time as Lord Luka does when he talks to her. Players love the Hot Ref. I’m pretty sure she’s Italian. I like to think that I have a subconscious spidey sense that alerts me to the presence of Italian women, but that’s surely my mind playing tricks on me again. Let’s look at Hot Ref’s bio on the website that tries to make these dipshit refs seem like people and not dipshits who decided that what they should do with their lives is constantly travel all over the place to get cursed out by dumb basketball players. Wow, can you believe that she likes to spend time outdoors? That’s different! Photography. Of course! Loads of people like taking pictures. I’m sure she likes to call it “photography” too. Like it’s a freaking art form to take out your phone and press a button outside while talking about “lighting” or some other fluffed-up bologna. Favorite book? Charlotte’s Web! At least it’s a storybook and not one of these douchey nonfiction books that you just read to convince other people that you’re smart. Usually, these dipshit refs prefer titles like “Art of War”, or “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”. Nonfiction that you’re supposed to read to “better yourself”. Because these dipshits are all about self-improvement and being “cultured”. Jesus, I’m upset right now.

Ashley wants to visit Africa. Well, then why did she hitch her wagon to a white? She likes Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve heard that name but I’ve never seen that. Her favorite app is Yelp. Lol, do you believe that for one second? Didn’t she just say that she enjoyed “photography”? Her favorite app is Instagram. CAP! These hoes be lying. Ok, I need to stop this.

See, I’m telling you! All these NBA refs are dipshits who make the decision that there’s nothing better to do with themselves than run around a court, blow a whistle, and wildly gesticulate their arms! Hot Ref can’t say that her favorite app is Instagram because all these dipshit refs are sensitive to admitting just what empty vessels they truly are! Instagram would be too “basic” and these dipshit refs have an image they need to maintain. Ok, really, I need to be done with this.

The last time I made one of these was ten months ago, so I was kind of trepidacious about how this would go but I’m enjoying this so far. Game time.

We’ll start with Bradley Beal. As you’re well aware, I don’t watch the preseason. So I haven’t watched Brad Beal in a game since John Wall was missing shots for the Wizards. To me, Brad Beal is just an idea. A great name, a max contract, and a figment of the imagination. Brad Beal suckered me just like he suckered the Wizards management. Here’s what you need to know about Brad Beal in a single sentence. Grayson Allen is more athletic than Brad Beal. There, now you know Brad Beal. He’s had these things called “hamstring tears”. As someone who has never had a muscle injury, I can not imagine what that does to a body, but as someone who can watch a basketball game and clearly communicate what the hell is happening during said contest, I can understand that Brad Beal is scared to launch his body at the rim. Christian Brawny, Brad Beal is not. He’s not even Grayson Allen! He’s an empty man. There’s nothing inside Brad Beal. Sure, he made some shots and if you look at his shooting percentages, you’d think that he’s not fucking the Suns. Well, Brad Beal is fucking the Suns. On that team, Brad Beal is confused. Quick decisions are not something that Brad Beal does. What Brad Beal does is dribble towards the rim (props to Brad Beal for being able to dribble towards the rim), then stop, pivot, realize he has no clean angle towards the basket, then make a meaningless pass back to the perimeter that doesn’t yield an open three. This whole process just wastes seven seconds of the shot clock and doesn’t do anything. It’s not great. Less Beal is more Beal.

Even when Frank Vogel puts Brad Beal out on the court without Booker and Durantula, Beal doesn’t take that opportunity to unrepentantly hunt his shot and get cooking. He still just bites off more than he can handle and puts Eric Gordon and Royce O’Neale in positions that they shouldn’t be in. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t think kindly of Brad Beal. Don’t be me.

It’s Devin Booker’s turn! What the fuck is Devin Booker doing?! He was making shots at the beginning of the game and then he just decided to let Brad Beal screw things up. Last year, Devin Booker made me think that therapy was something that was ok to attend because he was making lots of impossible shots against the Nuggets (in Phoenix). Yesterday in Minnesota, he let the Durantula do all the heavy lifting while he interspersed missing shots with playing like a confused, selfish asshole. Be upset with me for forgetting specific examples of Devin Booker being a fuck-up. I’m fine with that. If you want to think that Devin Booker is awesome, that’s on you. In the Finals against Giannis, the Suns were much better. Devin lost that. In game 7 against Lord Luka, Devin Booker’s team fell hopelessly behind midway through the second quarter. IN A GAME 7 AT HOME. That never happens. Devin Booker has some nasty shit on his permanent record, and this Minnesota game is another file in that cabinet. Why did Nike allow Devin Booker to make a shoe? It’s beyond hideous by the way. That shoe is disgusting. Lots of shoes that Nike has been making recently are abhorrent. Serves them right for not standing by Kyrie Irving. Nike stopped caring about the basketball and now they’re letting shitheads like Devin Booker have signature shoes. You know what else? Devin Booker needs to stop with the facial hair that he has going. Devin Booker is an extremely attractive man but with that facial hair thing he has going, it makes him look like he wants to be seen as something he’s not. A hearty lumberjack. Devin Booker is no one’s idea of “rustic”. Devin Booker is “pretty”, he’s not threatening. He’s not dangerous. It’s fine. What he’s doing with his facial hair is not fine.

Last thing about Devin Booker. That white headband he wears looks stupid. Screw you, Devin Booker. You’re not taking an appropriate amount of public ridicule for the messes that you’ve been making.

Durantula. Durantula was the only reason the Suns kept it close in the first half. I watched that game and was thinking, “Wow, it’s great that I have the Durantula on my side”. That didn’t last. Once again, the Durantula tried to make a team by himself, and that team is getting physically punked. Too bad I can’t learn that lesson. That the Durantula is too old to be the only reason the game is close and that that setup is unsustainable for a forty-eight-minute game.

Earlier I said that Grayson Allen was more athletic than Brad Beal. In addition to that, he’s the best free-throw shooter on the Suns. He has no lips and I trust him with my life at the free-throw line. That ball swishes through the net in the exact same way every time Grayson shoots free throws. Something tells me that if this were the Old West, Grayson Allen would be a fantastic marksman. An absolute dead-eye with one of those rifles. Not a sheriff because he’s an evil person, but an adroit sniper. The Wolves haven’t even started hunting him on defense.

Eric Gordon. Those boy teenagers were right to be stupefied at that block that the dipshit refs called on Mike Conley when Eric Gordon ran straight through them. That was a charge on Eric Gordon. Eric is just bowling over people when he dribbles and misses shots in a way that makes me have absolutely zero faith that he’ll make it. He was terrible.

Royce O’Neale made catch-and-shoot threes which was great but he likes to dribble when he’s on the court with Booker, Durantula, and Beal. Those dribbles need to be quick passes. Booker is too confused to pass the ball in a beneficial way, Brad Beal is too busy trying to justify a ridiculous contract that placed too much responsibility on his shoulders to quickly pass the ball, and the Durantula is the only player on the Suns who can make a shot after dribbling the basketball in an arena that isn’t within Arizona’s border. I hate the Suns and I picked them. God, I hate myself right now. Why did I do that?! I know that the Suns are a bunch of ain’t-shit niggas!! Fuck!!

Last thing on the Suns is that it feels lucky when Nurkic makes a close shot. He had a few and1’s courtesy of some weak Mike Conley fouls and those were a big reason why the Suns kept this game close in the first half. Coaches on the Suns aren’t doing a good job of instilling confidence in Jusuf Nurkic. Nurkic needs to have the self-belief to go up strong around the rim and be willing to live with the results, and right now he’s playing like someone who doesn’t have the explicit faith of his teammates. For that, I blame Frank Vogel.

This Suns team also feels like they miss a lot of free throws. I know that I’m supposed to trust Brad Beal at the line, but the atrophied lower body that he has makes me think that he’ll miss free throws. For some reason, the Durantula is missing free throws. As someone who shamelessly copied that shoulder shimmy that the Durantula does when I shot free throws (to great success), it hurts to see the Durantula miss free throws. It hurts, and it boggles my mind.

The problem with the Durantula is that he makes these teams that don’t have gorillas. The Suns don’t have enough soldiers. They don’t have guys who women choose for mates because said women prefer guys who scare them. The Durantula is obsessed with “pretty boys”, and that shit doesn’t work in the real games. Minnesota has a bunch of jungle niggas on their team. Too many for the Suns. Jaden McDaniels, NAW, Naz Freaking Reid, Anthony Fucking Edwards, even Rudy Gobert is a gorilla. You can’t beat that with pretty midrange jumpers. Fuck I’m retarded for picking the Suns yesterday. I hate myself.

The Suns kept it close when Anthony Edwards was not playing in the first half because of fouls. Surprise, surprise, when Anthony started playing and making shots in the third quarter, he blew the game open. That game felt tenuous for the Suns. Like when a bunch of forty-year-olds play pickup and they jump out to a lead because they’re making midrange jumpshots. They don’t have the juice in their lower body to maneuver around defenders and try layups or shoot the ball from behind the three-point line. Those forty-year-olds need to make fifty percent of their eighteen footers and that usually doesn’t sustain. So when the tough middys start bricking, those forty-year-olds have to undertake spiritually crushing defeats. It’s enough to make you stop playing basketball. These Suns are those forty-year-olds and it’s because Devin Booker isn’t acting his age. Devin Booker is caught up in “appearing skilled”. Too caught up in his self-image to do what’s right and try to kill someone with force at the rim. Anthony Edwards, Devin Booker is not. That missed dunk on Eubanks that Anthony tried after spinning through two Suns defenders (one of whom being the Durantula) was show-stopping stuff. Oh, and before I end this, I need to mention that Naz Reid made some backbreaking threes. Naz Reid looks like a gorilla and he’s a fantastic basketball player. I would be honored to have Naz Reid on my professional basketball team. God bless that man.

Oh, and Karl Towns has the dumbest face in the NBA. He looked like a legitimate retard after making that and1 and pounding his chest. No wonder he married that Jordyn Woods lady. She’s fat and frumpy. She’s lucky that retards like Karl Towns are in this world. Retards who get caught up in whatever tikTok adds Jordyn infiltrates their brains with to make them believe that Jordyn Woods isn’t a disgusting sack of pudding. Karl Towns’ mom died of the CoCo. Did you know that?

CELTICS 🍀(-14.5) over Heat 🔥

CLIPPERS ⛵(+2.5) over Mavs 🐴

FUCKS 🦌(+1.5) over Pacers 🏎️

THUNDER 🌩️(-8.5) over Pelicans 🦆

Day 3

Record: 4-4

“I AM THE SYSTEM!!!”

Interspersed with cackling laughter, that was the voice memo that was sent to everyone I know who understands who Little Game James is. Gosh, that was a joy to behold!

Wow, we were one game away from riding into the office banging the fattest, dumbest rapper for all of the neighborhood to hear. Yup, Rick Ross. We were seven Thunder points away from the respectable residents of this toney Flo Rida town hearing 100 Black Coffins. Oh well, we’re more than happy with the new new from Lil Nas X politely playing in earbuds. Shout out to that dude. He’s a hitmaker. It’s a personal dream of mine to drag someone to a bag like Lil Nas X dragged Miley Cyrus’ Dad into being a part of the biggest song in a decade. Lil Nas X brings his niggas with him, just like LeBron James. What a star.

Did I really pick Little Game James and the Clippers to cover when the whole world was on the Mavericks?! Yes, yes I did. Ditto for the Fucks. In financial advising, sometimes you just need a Jew to pick investments for you. A Jew who doesn’t give a fuck about you and just wants to “win”. Someone savvy who is removed from the severe consequences of your own personal bankruptcy. It’s my personal belief that you need someone like that to really kill investing. Just like you need someone else to tell you that it’s time to ride with the Clippers when everyone else has been sucking off Lord Luka for two months. That it’s time to ride with the Fucks because the Pacers are getting too much respect for being favored in their first collective playoff game. Not one second of that Fucks game did I watch, but I checked the score after halftime and it filled me with joy to see that Dame scored 35 in the first half. My goodness. Starting three and zero fills me with joy. We almost had a return of the POG. Almost. If we could compare this to a lioness hunting a wildebeest, this point in time would be when the lioness has clawed her way back on top of the trampling undulate moments after being threatened with being thrown off and trampled to death. We still have to do a lot of throat-slashing, but we’re back from the brink of death. What a time to be alive.

So how about that Clipper game?! You know what I didn’t understand about the Clippers when I made the bold pick of them covering 2.5 points? I didn’t understand how much bigger and stronger the Clippers were compared to the Mavs. Daniel Gafford is good, but he’s significantly smaller than Zubac and Mason Plumlee. Mason Plumlee?!? Yes! Mason Plumlee.

Zubac is a certified monster and his touch around the basket is impeccable. Jusuf Nurkic, Ivica Zubac is not. Zubac makes most of his tough shots around the basket. Even after taking three dribbles with his back to the basket. He’s very good and he picked a great time to have the game of his life yesterday.

In the beginning of this game, it felt like the Clippers were targeting Daniel Gafford. Like Ty Lue came into the game preaching to his team that Daniel was too light in the pants for Zubac, and that the Clippers needed to find offense with Zubac taking a sledgehammer to the Mavericks’ defense. The smile on my face at watching Zubac take Thor’s Hammer and strike this small Dallas team was ear-to-ear. When Jason Kidd decided enough was enough and that Gafford had to come out for Lively, the story didn’t change. Lively is going to be really good, but I’m not sure if he’s twenty years old yet. He doesn’t have Man Strength, and that’s a big freaking problem when the opponent has two physical freakshows like Ivica Zubac and Mason Plumlee. Ok, I need to say this right now. Mason Plumlee is a big, strong, fast man. I’ve seen him out in the wild (The Strand in Manhattan Beach, probably around 8th St) and he stands out in the general population. That man is quite large. That whole family must be a sight to behold when they are together. No one on the Mavericks can keep Mason Plumlee off of the offensive glass. It’s a problem that I haven’t read anything about on The Athletic (or five seconds of skimming any godforsaken ESPN article). There’s a reason Mason Plumlee has made over a hundred million dollars in the NBA. It’s because there aren’t very many people who share his size and skill level. Yes, I am familiar with his free-throw incompetency, but I’m also fresh out of witnessing Mason Plumlee slide his feet against Lord Luka in the fourth quarter of a playoff game and get a missed shot from Lord Luka.

Did I say that Ty Lue seemed to gameplan Zubac into early field goal attempts? Well, Ty Lue seems like a really smart coach. That’s not a feeling I get a lot, but Ty Lue makes me think that he’s really cunning. What made me think that? Well besides the early Battering Ram Offense, Ty Lue calls timeouts at times that make me think to myself, “Goddamn Mr. Lue, that was a great time to call a timeout!” Like when Westbroke is sizing up Gafford in an isolation. You know that Westbroke is about to do some retarded mess. You, and Ty Lue both. Ty called a timeout to save the possession from Westbroke. It’s wild that Ty Lue can maintain a working relationship with Westbroke while knowing deep in his bones that he can’t trust Westbroke for one single second. Four turnovers for Westbroke yesterday. In about twenty-five minutes. They were bad turnovers too. Overthrowing outlet passes, passes to no one, and getting pickpocketed trying to back down Kyrie Irving. Westbroke’s coordination and basketball dexterity are quite bad. He had a good game yesterday with two made threes, a bunch of steals, and that ally-oop that Little Game James threw him was absolutely insane, but Ty Lue has to be constantly watching Westbroke because if Ty doesn’t, Westbroke is going to make a huge mess.

Other timeouts that Mr. Lue called were good because they were called the millisecond that the Mavs seemed to be starting a real run to cut down the lead that the Clippers held for almost the whole game.

The last thing that made me think Ty Lue is a genius is of course the off-ball cut to the basket that Paul George made. Shout out to Mason Plumlee for that dime. I’m telling you, Mason Plumlee is a skilled basketball player! The broadcast kept replaying that PG play and while I keep these shithead broadcasters on mute, I’m sure that they were awarding all sorts of plaudits to Ty Lue for telling PG that the Mavs defenders were being too aggressive in their positioning and that it was high-time that PG made an off-ball dash to the basket. I really like Ty Lue! The same can not be said for Jason Kidd. Koach Kidd wears those rimmed glasses to fool people into believing he’s astute. People like Reptile Marc. Koach Kidd also needs to make people forget that he is predisposed to giving his significant other black eyes and getting DUIs even though he is extraordinarily wealthy. Props to Koach Kidd. The best thing he does as a coach is give his players back taps.

It was so delightful seeing the broadcast show Reptile Marc be distraught. That dyed black hair is so off-putting. It’s because that dye job is so obvious. Reptile Marc probably alleviated his frustration at the Mavs refusing to make shots with some comforting botox. Or whatever plastic surgery Reptile Marc gets monthly. You know he’s addicted to that stuff. He probably makes tikToks of him going to México to get the latest and greatest plastic surgery. Gosh, I love watching that douchebag sit down and shut up! Totally the opposite with Steve Balmer! That dude is a party! Whenever the camera shows him going absolutely nuts beside his wife, I wonder what he looks like after cumming. You just know that there is a lot of exhaling and fun facial expressions that his wife gets to witness when that joyous moment passes. And Steve Balmer isn’t scared to cut a check. No wonder Kawhi chose Steve to be his owner. Steve seems like a great dude!

Alright, I’ve delayed this for long enough. Little Game James was nothing short of sensational. He was so transcendent that the refs even gave him one of those dogshit leg-kick fouls against Maxi Kleber that awarded Little Game James three free throws. Little Game James was making a ton of ridiculous threes and screaming like a man who has a soul. Get ready for this story to quickly change, but yesterday Little Game James was making me constantly laugh at how insane it was that he was hitting all those threes and just generally dominating a playoff game. “Getting vaxed is my love language.” Is something that I saw on the illegal stream I used, and it made me laugh. Little Game James won one for the vaxxers yesterday. Kyrie lost this for the other tribe.

The Mavs were missing a stupid amount of shots in the first half and it was mostly their fault, not the Clippers’ defense. I can’t wait to pick the Mavs to cover the spread in game 2. Lord Luka will have his revenge and I kinda think Daniel Gafford will understand that the playoffs are a time to play like a man and not get punked by Ivica Zubac and Mason Plumlee.

Kyrie Irving was fantastic. He was the only Maverick who made a reasonable amount of shots. He was keeping the game respectable with some audacious threes. Kyrie also gets what seems like a disproportionate amount of offensive rebounds/tip-ins. The Clippers need to box that dude out.

Last thing on this game is that we saw the Satan Ref! Those black holes he has for eyes are pretty frightening. Someone should probably stop designating that dude for the replay announcements. He must be highly respected, but someone else on the crew needs to be the public-facing dipshit referee. Oh, and these replay reviews are just atrocious and it’s wild that the NBA allows them to happen. Shout out to Penis Head Silver for letting that mess get into the game.

CAVS 🤺(-5.5) over Magic 🧞

KNICKS 👖(-4.5) over Sixers 🔔 (I’m watching this game)

NUGGETS ⛏️(-7.5) over Lakers ⭐

Day 4

Record: 5-6 (goddamnit)

“WOW, WOW, WOW”

Yup, you guessed it. That was a voice memo. Although yesterday’s edition was only sent to my editor and not to everyone I knew who understood what silliness occurred yesterday in New York. Some games make you feel gross for watching them. These would be the games in the playoffs that the Sixers quit on. Some games make you cackle with glee. Like the Heat beating the Celtics in last year’s game 7. Some games are riveting for every second, like that Cavs-Warriors game 7 (without Kevin Durant, obvi). Some games are just fun to watch. This Knicks-Sixers game wasn’t really any of those. Early in the game, the Knicks made me look at all the books that are favored by the dipshit NBA referees on their bios. Yes, “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” was listed. Twice. Some of the better titles that the dipshit refs favored were “Be The Pack Leader”, “High Performance Habits”, and “Power of a Positive Team”. Yeah, these dipshits are loads of fun. Then the Knicks benched Jalen Brunson and started playing real basketball. This was the point in the game where I was screaming in delight that my pick would cover. Jalen came back into the game. Stephen A Smith and I both had blank, colorless faces at witnessing Jalen Brunson piss away the game. Then some crazy turnovers and offensive rebounds happened and the Knicks won a game that they had no right to win.

Of course, I would like to ease my way into the basketball that happened yesterday. It’s never going to be the game plan to jump right into the sex. No one understands more than me how important it is to build up to the moment, but sometimes certain things just need to happen. Important meandering needs to be skipped. We’re starting with the end this morning. We’re forgetting what works and we’re knowingly choosing to do what we know is wrong. We don’t have the willpower to delay gratification today.

Jalen Brunson was absolutely FUCKING the Knicks yesterday. He was killing his team and he was killing the Knicks cover that I NEEDED. Fuck! Yesterday was a Kobe Game from Jalen Brunson. Eight made shots on TWENTY-NINE attempts! You felt every one of those misses too. Kobe was actually better than this against the Celtics in that one Finals. Jesus Christ, Jalen Brunson was just atrocious yesterday. Every single one of his teammates had to make an unsustainable amount of their attempts to cover up for the hot dogshit that Jalen Brunson shoved into my mouth yesterday evening. The wretchedness is all out of my mouth physically, but not mentally. My mind still tastes every ounce of detritus that Jalen was shoving into my throat. Do you know who needs to be flogged in public? That ogre Tom Thibodeau. The Knicks were doing great without Jalen on the floor and the camera was showing Jalen clapping it up in an earnest way while Miles McBride was saving the season merely by just not being Jalen Brunson, but Tom Thibodeau had to put Jalen back into the game with seven minutes left in the fourth. Tom knows that you can’t have McBride and Brunson on the court together. Not when most of the other Knicks are six-four. It’s one or the other, and yesterday it needed to not be Brunson. If you noticed, the Knicks bench was absolutely moribund in the fourth quarter after what must have been Brunson’s TWENTIETH missed shot attempt. Even his Dad was like, “Fuck my son is killing our hopes and dreams. I thought this wouldn’t happen anymore after he learned how to use the toilet properly.” Really, Brunson sucked all of the life out of his team. It was just abhorrent. It wasn’t that he was missing open attempts. It was that Brunson was taking extremely difficult shot attempts, and clanking them off the rim. That looked like one of those pickup games where you have one little gnome who is pathologically blocked against passing the ball and feels compelled to take shitty midrange fadeaways while the entire defense knows that he’s shooting it. Someone who refuses to play easy basketball because they like it more when they dribble everyone’s soul into the netherworld while they can pretend to be some kind of hero. Thinking about the Knicks’ fourth-quarter offense makes me feel like Jalen Brunson’s diarrhea is back in every corner of my mouth. Jesus Christ that was bad. I’ll say something positive about Brunson. I like how he flicks his wrists when he shoots free throws. He was so lucky that his last three-point shot fell into the basket after hitting the front of the rim.

OK, the wild ending. It was wild that there wasn’t a foul called on that last turnover (from Maxey?). Everyone in the world expects there to be a foul called in that situation. Even Josh Hart (who played every second of this game) seemed to be like, “Oh my gosh, there hasn’t been a whistle. I guess we’ll keep playing”. The broadcast didn’t replay that fateful Maxey turnover and I didn’t notice a foul while watching. Anyway, idgaf about officiating. These dipshit NBA referees are all fine. The Sixers need to not screw that up like how they screwed that up. After DiVincenzo’s first miss on a three-point try, Tobias Harris could’ve boxed out Hartenstein but that’s not what Tobias Harris does. Tobias actually had some good rebounds yesterday when I was starting to pick up on how happy he is to run to the corner and act like a participant in the offense. That dude is perfectly fine doing absolutely nothing in the corners. Tobias had this one terrible midrange attempt when he had Buddy Hield wide-fucking-open on the three-point line. No chance that Tobias sees open teammates on a consistent basis. Tobias Harris plays basketball like a retarded horse. Just content to trot around in a pretty way and be completely oblivious to everyone around him, with absolutely no clue about what he needs to do on the court without five coaches screaming at him. Speaking of coaches, what Nick Nurse is doing with his accessories is repugnant. Of course, you are familiar with my fondness for the team that Nick captained to a championship but watching him with the Sixers, it becomes clear with Pascal Siakam, OG Anunoby, and Steady Freddy insisted that he needed to leave the Six. How many gold chains is Nick Nurse wearing?! On a fat, white man, those gold chains look hideous. Throw in the superfluous gold chain he has on his wrist and I get nauseous looking at NN. Don’t forget about his Apple Watch. He needs to measure his heart rate when he sleeps. Now I’m all for Nick Nurse as a sharp practitioner of NBA Coaching, but he needs to cool down with the “fashion shit”. It’s ™ (too much).

So Hartenstein absolutely saved the season with that rebound and DiVincenzo made the three. Knicks won. We all get to forget about how Tom Thibedoux just stood there without the courage to take Jalen Brunson out of that game. We all get to look past what an unmitigated disaster Jalen Brunson was.

Hartenstein got that offensive rebound, then he blocked a Maxey layup that would’ve won the game. Major props to the Knicks for trying threes to win the game instead of twos to tie it by the way. Isaiah also was pretty much perfect on his shot attempts. Jalen Brunson needs to pass Isaiah the ball more because Ebola Embiid doesn’t stay close to Isaiah on the pick-and-rolls. Isaiah is way too active for Ebola Embiid to stay close to him. Isaiah definitely saved that game for the Knicks but it’s a problem that he’s so much smaller than Ebola Embiid. Isaiah needs to stop fouling Ebola on midrange shot attempts. We know it’s pretty much impossible to guard Ebola Embiid, but Isaiah can’t foul him away from the basket like that. Surely it eats Isaiah’s soul that Ebola is so freaking automatic from eighteen feet, but Isaiah just needs to brace himself against the two-ton African Elephant and be happy to let him keep shooting those. I know Ebola Embiid can make enough of those shots to win a game, but it’s still preferable to letting him shoot free throws (and catch his breath). The Knicks need to keep the game moving.

Ebola Embiid was obviously gassed (and injured) yesterday. He needed emergency knee surgery on the bench, and he was walking for pretty much the entire fourth quarter. It didn’t really matter though! Ebola Embiid has that automatic midrange shot that Isaiah Hartenstein can’t contest! What I don’t read mention of is that Ebola Embiid might be the best screen-setter in the NBA. He absolutely plasters Josh Hart every time he sets a screen for Maxey. During the game, I thought that Josh needed to do a better job of not getting taken out of the play when Ebola set a screen on him, but maybe there’s no one in the world who can stay involved in the defense after Ebola Embiid sets a screen. Maybe that’s why the Sixers Ship capsizes when Ebola Embiid isn’t playing. Because they need his ball screens. Bball Paul is a much smaller man compared to the two-ton African Elephant. Seriously, it feels like the Sixers need a forklift to get Ebola Embiid back on his feet after he falls down.

Ebola Embiid is too good for the Knicks and he absolutely dominated this game with one leg and zero cardiovascular conditioning. It’s crazy.

Maxey? Yeah, Maxey was the truth in that game. He’s too quick for every Knicks defender and he makes his threes. That dude is a big-time problem for the Knickerbockers. Too bad no one else on the Sixers can score. Batum made me scared every time he shot a three as someone who took the Knicks to cover, but sometimes the Sixers don’t pass him the ball. Shout out to Tobias Harris. He’s probably the reason why Batum doesn’t take enough shots. Batum was also shutting down Jalen Brunson. No, I guess I’m not done railing on Jalen. Fifty-year-old Batum was picking up Jalen fool court and Jalen couldn’t even attempt a clean shot because of it. Jalen also refused to pass the ball and go set an off-ball screen, so credit Batum for SHUTTING DOWN the Knicks offense in the fourth quarter. What a time to be alive! Yesterday, Jalen Brunson got high off of his own supply and it was hard to watch.

That’s probably all that you need to know about the Sixers. Batum shut down the Knicks' offense. Ebola Embiid and Maxey were transcendent. Tobias Harris played like an apathetic retard. That’s the Sixers! They should have won that game but they didn’t!

From what I’m accustomed to in these written debriefings, analysis of the commercials usually comes first but today it comes here. The Abu Dhabi commercial during the beginning of that game showed a bunch of neat stuff but it didn’t show any suicide bombers. So I guess that “Abu Dhabi” is a place in that part of the world that is free of that sort of thing. That’s cool. It’s nice that you can travel to Abu Dhabi and not worry about that sort of thing. Your kids can gain an appreciation for keffiyehs while you don’t have any worry that a ten-year-old groomed by the Taliban will run to your car with lit dynamite under his shirt. Let’s go to Abu Dhabi! Surely it’s safe, fun, and not a hundred and forty degrees outside! The lamb over there probably tastes amazing.

Sam Morril sat courtside! That guy is hilarious. Him, Dan Soder, and Ali Wong are probably the best comedians right now. In the era following Louis C.K. getting caught and too traumatized to be funny anymore.

Selena Goméz looks kind of chubby. She has really let herself go. No wonder she’s OK with that putrid house-elf who she was arm-in-arm with. Major plaudits to Justin Bieber for ruining Selena’s life by breaking up with her. I respect a guy who gets a woman addicted to him and ruins her life by dropping her for the next one. That’s hot.

Miles McBride! If you’re like me, Miles McBride was just an idea before yesterday. Someone who didn’t play a lot but when they did play, played for the entire game. His box scores have been impressive and that’s because he’s really good! For most of the game, he was the only Knick who was capable of dribbling around defenders, creating space, and attempting a somewhat clean shot. He was excellent yesterday. Don’t be fooled by his plus/minus. That was because Tom Thibedoux’s general fatness clouded his brain and told him to play Brunson with McBride. Those two can’t play together and since they did, it tanked McBrides plus-minus. Blame Jalen Brunson. Blame Jalen Brunson for everything bad yesterday.

That and1 that Miles McBride made on Kelly Oubre absolutely lit the building on fire. As well it should have. Now, Miles definitely screwed up a very-open layup that Josh Hart committed basket interference on, but we are pardoning Miles McBride. He was incredible. Oh, and going Beast Mode on Tyrese Maxey to tear away the ball so that Miles could have an easy layup?! Yeah, that was incredible. Have some reverence for Miles McBride. That dude is freaking good!

Speaking of Josh Hart, how many fastbreak layups is he going to screw up? He’s always getting the ball stripped before he can even attempt a wild layup. Sometimes the ball bounces off his splaying legs and those turnovers are crushing. Josh Hart absolutely made a bunch of threes yesterday. Especially in the first half. He played the whole game. I guess he played a good game, but that was mostly due to him hitting most of his threes. Do we have faith that his shooting proficiency will continue? No.

If Jalen Brunson was despicable, and Josh Hart was kind of lucky, why did the Knicks win? Well besides Isaiah not missing shots, getting game-saving rebounds and blocks, and Miles McBride collapsing the Sixers' defense, the reason the Knicks won was DONTE DIVINCENZO!

Not only did he hit the go-ahead three, but Donte absolutely dominated the third quarter in unconventional ways. Beating Sixers to loose balls, making Batum quit on life when the ball found itself in the Frenchman's hands, and drawing a charge on Tobias Harris (of course). The Knicks might be alarmingly small when they play Brunson (or McBride), Hart, and DiVincenzo together, but they inexplicably find ways to win thanks to shit like that from Donte.

The Knicks bench group is awesome. My stepson was excellent! Did he get four offensive rebounds?! That’s my boy! Now he absolutely had too much Popeyes while he was on the mend from his ankle exploding, but he got stops on defense yesterday. He made a free throw! He got a stop on Tyrese Maxey in the fourth quarter! My stepson was fantastic yesterday. He’s bigger than Hartenstein which is important since the opponent plays Ebola Embiid.

Bojan Bogdanovic was missing everything in the first half but during the fourth quarter, he started making threes (and making me scream). The Knicks are better without Julius Randle. People can pretend that the Knicks “need an All-Star”, but they don’t miss Julius Randle’s eighteen-foot bricks, constant turnovers, and lazy spirit. Screw Julius Randle. The Knicks need to offload him to a franchise that doesn’t matter like the Sacramento Queens. Those haystacks would love to talk themselves into the siren song that is Julius Randle. You could easily con Vivék Ranadivé into thinking that Julius Randle could “mentor” Keegan Murray. Lmao.

I almost didn’t bring up OG Anunoby! That’s because for most of the game, you’re thinking to yourself, “What the fuck is OG Anunoby doing on offense?! Where is that dude?!” He’s not in Tobias Harris’ galaxy when it comes to vanishing on the court, but OG should make more plays on offense. He has an impeccable poker face. That’s a dude who doesn’t express himself.

How are the Knicks up 2-0?! They kind of suck.

Suns ☀️(+3.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺(I’m watching this game)

Pacers 🏎️(+1.5) over FUCKS 🦌

Mavs 🐴(-2.5) over CLIPPERS ⛵

Day 5

Record: 7-7

🎶Oh, I’m sorry for

Blaming you

For everything I just couldn’t do

And I’ve hurt myself

By hurting you 🎶

How was that song not on my SoundCloud library before this morning? Christina Aguilera had a voice that I would describe as “powerful”. She must have been a big deal. Anyway, going 2-1 has never felt as wretched as it does today. There needs to be guardrails against feeling the way I felt after watching that dispiriting stuff that the Suns put us through yesterday. What can I do to do a better job of ensuring that those feelings of despair and disgust overwhelm my mind and body? Maybe coming up with a new acronym will do it. MHP. Mental Health Pick. When there’s a side that I need to avoid for my mental health, I’m going to think of that acronym and it will prevent me from doing bad stuff like picking the Suns to cover after watching the first game. That acronym will help me avoid succumbing to the trap of picking the mentally soft team “because it just feels too easy to pick the Wolves”. So that was one reason I picked the Suns. Because the Wolves beat them so badly that I felt like the Suns had to respond. That the Durantula had to have a bounce-back after getting punked like he did in game 1.

“These guys are professionals. Surely they’re not going to make me lose all the life force in my body for a second game in a row. They’ll figure something out.”

No. That wasn’t what happened. Not at all.

“Come on, the Suns dominated the Wolves during the preseason. Every professionally written article about this series, before it started, was saying that the Wolves are in a pickle with this matchup. Surely there has to be some kernel of truth to that. Surely all these people who watch the preseason for a living aren’t SO DEAD WRONG about our present reality. I’m taking the 3.5 points. I just need a close game. The Suns can do that. Right?”

“Karl Towns is going to do some retarded stuff and throw the game.”

“Anthony Edwards isn’t as good as the public perception of him. He won’t repeat what he did in game 1.”

“The Durantula can’t go out like this, can he?”

WRONG. ABSOLUTELY NOT. I hate this, and I hate myself.

Why did I have to be so “smart” and pick the Suns? The Suns came out in game 2 and kept it close for a half and then they got physically outmatched for the entire second half. It was BAD. I’m not sure how to articulate the sounds that were coming out of my mouth in the second half. Groans? Sighs? Idk, but they were sounds of disgust at what was happening on the screen in front of me.

How many times did my left hand get thrown onto the cushion of my Italian leather couch because I was exasperated watching the Suns have such a difficult time taking shitty midrange shots while the Wolves just casually broke the Suns defense? A bunch. What’s worse IS THAT I WROTE ABOUT THE SAME THING IN GAME 1! And the same thing happened in game 2! Listen, I’m a real douchebag. A stubborn mule of a human being. There is no enlightenment that I can find in this world. My destiny is to live in the doldrums of mental instability and certified retardation. Thank God that I don’t put money into gambling. At least I have that. Fuck, I hate this.

“If the Suns fuck this up, roast Ishbia.”

That dude is a douchebag. We could tell when he held onto the basketball that found itself in his hands last year when the Suns were playing the Nuggets. Any person who holds onto the ball for the duration and manner that Matt held onto that thing is an asshole. He deserves to get screwed by the Durantula. Let’s all listen to that leaked voice memo that he sent someone in his predatory mortgage business about financially enslaving more Americans than Dan Gilbert. Let’s listen to that and never say a good word about the Suns, Michigan State, or anyone who buys a house that they can’t afford.

“You’re a real asshole.”

That’s what strangers should say to Matt Ishbia if they walk by him in the wild. He deserves public ridicule for blowing up a respectable Suns team so that the Durantula and Brad Beal could make me as disgusted as I was yesterday watching game 2. Holy fuck that was pathetic. What a disaster the Suns are. Evidently, you can’t just buy your way into serious contention in professional sports. Evidently, you have to be patient and build something special over time. Wow, what a concept. I hate the Suns. I hate Matt Ishbia. I hate the Durantula. I hate Devin Booker.

Did the Durantula really just ruin everything during his NBA career? He definitely ruined the league by joining the Warriors. He’s been getting pushed around in the playoffs ever since he came back from that ruptured Achilles and I’ve been running away from that truth for the entire time! The Durantula has been insisting that he be in charge of the roster and his rosters haven’t been good. He deserves a douchebag like Matt Ishbia. That game felt like his personal funeral. Jaden McDaniels tried to squash the Durantula with that dunk attempt in the first quarter and it was a harbinger of rest of the game.

Ok, Devin Booker. Ummm… I hate that dude. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that the world would really be a better place without some people. It’s a thought that I’m pretty sure other people don’t have. Other people are all-in on the belief that everyone is nice and worthwhile. That’s not me. I’m someone who looks into other people’s eyes to drink in their obvious hope, only to watch their optimism float away when I say something upsetting. I’m someone who genuinely enjoys witnessing women cry. Seeing Erin Andrews break down in the courtroom while explaining the anguish that she went through because someone filmed her in a hotel bathroom is probably the single event in history that I wish I could be a part of.

When kind volunteers from organizations like “Amnesty International” walk up to me in public with bright eyes and ask me things like, “Do you want to help save the prisoners of war?”, I savor the hope on their faces and maintain solid eye contact when I tell them that I couldn’t give less of a fuck about some soldier I’ve never met trapped in a Vietnam cave with barbed wire tying their wrists together.

Please ask me if I want to save the abandoned dogs who are hours away from being euthanized. Please.

I’m not a good person.

Can we cut open Devin Booker’s stomach and grab all of the organs out of his torso as we look into his eyes? Can we cook those organs in a cast-iron skillet and feed them to the Jaguars who are trying to reclaim Arizona? What about his eyes, tongue, and lips? Birds love eating those things. Maybe there are some California Condors close by that we can feed Devin Booker’s eyes to.

At the very least, Nike can immediately cease production of Devin Booker’s shoes. Then they can mass-produce the shirts that the fans in Minneapolis were wearing of Devin Booker’s face looking like a crying baby.

There was an offensive foul that the refs accurately called on Devin against Monte Morris, but somehow that was overturned. That was hot dogshit and it’s wild that the call was overturned after a video review. Hopefully, the commentators were calling that for what it was in the moment. A miscarriage of justice. Devin Booker gets some really crazy calls in his favor and he still acts like a petulant child. Oh my goodness what he did to hook Karl Towns’ arm was abhorrent.

This might surprise you, but Devin Booker won a three-point contest. He doesn’t take, or make very many threes during games but when it’s just him on the court, he’ll make a three! Devin wanted to act like that one deep three he made in the second half would start a serious run from the Suns. It didn’t. Too many shots from Devin Booker hit the front rim. Devin Booker is the worst.

The Suns' offense is “Do Nothing, let the Wolves get offensive rebounds, miss midrange shots”. A big reason for that is Brad Beal. It’s a testament to the power of alliterative names that Brad Beal is in the position he currently is in life. He loves catching the ball and holding it. He loves driving to the basket and stopping because he knows that French Rejection (or Anthony Edwards) will block whatever shot attempt he makes into the stands. God forbid he try catch-and-shoot threes. How many times did Anthony Edwards block Brad Beal? Twice? Oh, he missed a dunk too. Brad’s legs are atrophied. In the movie Legally Blonde there’s a famous part about Stifler’s Mom teaching Reese Witherspoon about the “Bend-and-Snap” to attract masculine attention. Brad Beal learned the “Catch-and-Hold” to capsize professional basketball offense.

At least Eric Gordon showed up to that game! He was driving hard to the rim like someone who cared about winning. Eric had me saying “Thank You!” when he was taking the basketball to the basket like a man during the first half. He was the only Sun doing that. God forbid Devin Booker do something athletic. Devin is too good for that. Devin needs to be seen as someone with “craft”. Devin Booker is the worst.

The Suns are so hopeless that French Rejection is taking rebounds coast-to-coast and drawing blocking fouls on Jusuf Nurkic. Chris Finch needs to save his challenges for when the ref blatantly screw French Rejection whenever French Rejection tries to do something on offense. Every ref has a bone to pick with French Rejection.

Does Jusuf Nurkic have the worst hands in the NBA? It feels like a miracle when he cleanly catches passes from his teammates or rebounds off the basket. Did he have a dad to play catch with? Guess not. The Suns actually need Nurkic to score one-on-one against French Rejection due to the state of Brad Beal and Devin Booker. Lmao.

Karl Towns actually played the game that I predicted he would. It just didn’t matter because the Suns are atrocious. Did you know that Karl Towns had an imaginary friend at Kentucky named Karlito? Karl Towns was committing all sorts of turnovers, offensive fouls (especially trying to get rebounds), and just generally playing like the retard that he looks like.

Jaden McDaniels was tricked into a technical foul by Devin Booker and then proceeded to exact revenge. My goodness did he play well yesterday. Tried to dunk on the Durantula, made a bunch of three-pointers, and swallowed people on defense. That dude is good. Oh, he led the team in points! Well you felt him dominating the Suns when you watched the game.

Mike Conley was making right-handed floaters and it brought me back to high school when I was rooting for the Grizzlies to hold onto games by not letting Prime Westbroke have a basketball ejaculation and break open games with the Thunder. Conley was making threes too! There was one he got after one of the many Wolves' offensive rebounds that felt extremely back-breaking to the Suns. The Suns are awful.

That crowd smelled blood at the beginning of the third quarter. Those fans jump around and show obvious physical signs of excitement when their team of Orks starts having a frenzy on teams composed of Slaughter Sheep like the Suns. Lol at how the broadcast showed A-Rod with Marc Lore and then Glen Taylor. Glen is in the Reptile Marc group of billionaires who dye their hair when they shouldn’t. By the way, I’m on Team Glen. I know he’s incompetent, but A-Rod getting publicly embarrassed is something that I really enjoy.

The Suns lost their composure and quit halfway through the fourth quarter. I stopped watching when Vogel got that technical foul. Did Frank Vogel lose weight? He looks pretty good! He’ll have a chance to improve his already acceptable tan in México after the Suns lose this series in five games. Devin Booker is the worst.

CELTICS 🍀(-14.5) over Heat 🔥

THUNDER ⛈️(-7.5) over Pelicans 🦆

Day 6

Record: 8-8

WHITE HOT PLAYOFFS!

Thank goodness we have a White Hot Playoffs shirt from last year (along with some authentic Heat shorts) to wear in commemoration of the Celtics having their annual home playoff loss to the Heat! No, I did not watch one second of that game. The box score (and my editor) told me that Gandalf the White is back. May the Lord have mercy on any foe who crosses Gandalf the White.

Hey, the Thunder are amazing! If you’re like me, you have people in your life who’ve desired the Thunder as first-round playoff opponents of the Sacramento Queens (RIP). LMAO! The Thunder are so goddamn great! Gosh, they’re amazing.

Shout out to the Love’s Kiss Cam. Shout out to the two prostitutes who sat behind the media row on the Pelicans' side of the court. You could clearly see those two whenever the Thunder shot free throws in the second half. The cameramen did an excellent job of surreptitiously getting those two ladies into the broadcast. Did Reggie Miller or Jamal Crawford mention them in the broadcast? Did anyone say where they were flown in from? There’s no chance that those professionals live in Oklahoma City. Did Chet Holmgren fly them in from Los Angeles? Did they have any connecting flights? Did they insist on a direct flight from LAX? Of course, neither of them was wearing the playoff shirts that the generous Thunder ownership provided every fan. They were on the clock so leather was the material that they were wearing. Not cheap cotton. Something tells me that in addition to not being women who wore stadium-provided playoff shirts, they were also women who didn’t wear their government masks in 2020. Those women understand that there is a finite amount of time that they can steal the audience’s attention at a professional basketball playoff game, and they will not bother with playoff shirts (or face covers).

If you’re like me, you’ve never seen a Thunder game before yesterday. You’ve had loads of people besmirch the good name of the Oklahoma City Thunder. Get that out of your head. This team is a frightening force of basketball devastation.

Chet Holmgren is everything that I wanted him to be when I watched him play Duke in that one game at the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas. CHET! That MAN has what lots of Asian mothers with white husbands are desperately trying to instill into their children. Grit. Chet has grit, and it makes the Thunder crowd (and me) scream and jump around whenever he reminds the world of his obvious perseverance. Not only does CHET refuse to quit, he’s an incredible basketball player. His free throws are automatic and so are his threes. Sometimes he dribbles around people when they run too hard at him to try and contest his shot and he’ll get fouled on his way to the rim. Chet Holmgren is the fucking truth. The play that lit the building on fire was that block he had on Valanciunas after Valanciunas took three hard dribbles to ram his shoulder into Chet. CHET took the body blows, didn’t fall down, and blocked that mess like The Great White Hope he’s been ordained as since he committed to Gonzaga. Why isn’t he on Team USA?! What drugs is Grant Hill taking that would compel him to select Ebola Embiid for Team USA over CHET HOLMGREN?! I want those drugs!

Not only did Chet absolutely take a flamethrower to the Pelicans’ defense in the first quarter, but he injured Brandon Ingram in the second half. LeBron broke Chet’s foot last summer and now it’s Chet’s turn to injure other people. God bless Chet. May the Lord smite Brandon Ingram.

Whenever I watch games, I don’t usually look at the box score so I don’t have the numbers behind this. Chet made a bunch of threes, blocked a lot of shots (LOL José Alvarado), attempted lots of well-earned free throws, and was unguardable. WE LOVE CHET HOLMGREN. Sure he might not get as many defensive rebounds as we would like. We couldn’t give less of a fuck about that. There was one Pelicans possession where they got two offensive rebounds back-to-back and they still missed three shots in a possession. Eventually, the ball is going to find itself in the hands of a Thunder player, and may God have mercy on your soul when it does. For the Thunder will smite you with lightning bolts when they get out in transition. Especially if you have your players really trying to get offensive rebounds. Later in the game, Willie Green told his players that they needed to run back on defense and quit trying to get offensive rebounds because the Thunder have loads of people who will make layups when they have a numbers advantage (or equal numbers) in fastbreak situations. The Thunder do not have a single player like Josh Hart who will fecklessly take the basketball to the rim in transition only to have the ball stripped on the way up to the basket. The Thunder have a bunch of nasty guard dogs. No puppies.

One of the biggest Rottweilers on the Thunder is Jalen Williams. Before yesterday, I had never watched a game that had Jalen Williams participating in it. That dude is shifty! And he’s huge! He stripped CJ McCollum (just wait), and you don’t see that a lot. Jalen Williams screams a lot and we love that. He’s so athletic. He’ll dunk through your soul with the shoulders he has. It really defies reality how quick he is for being so large.

Along with pretty much every player on the Thunder, I wasn’t really familiar with the witchcraft that Shai performs on other teams. Somehow he kills teams with twelve-foot fadeaway jumpers which literally no one else in the NBA does. He also dribbles around pretty much every Pelicans defender (besides Herb Jones) and it’s inexplicable. Thoughts that cross your mind when you watch Shai are: “Wait, what happened?”, “Can they show that again?”, “How did that happen?!”, “He’s not moving that fast, how did he dribble around every defender?”, “This dude is a disco dancer out on the floor!”, “I guess he is actually kinda big!”. Shai Gilgeous is an odd duck. An odd duck that you question as far as transcendence is concerned, but then you remember that he made 60% of those twelve-foot fadeaways and the Thunder lead blew up whenever he was on the court. Shai Gilgeous is a joy to behold. Out of everyone that I’ve seen in these playoffs, Shai Gilgeous probably keeps the basketball closest to the ground when he’s dribbling. That’s a man who doesn’t get pickpocketed (like CJ McCollum).

Was Josh Giddey in one of the Twilight movies? You know coming into the game that Josh is a terrible shooter. Then you watch him shoot threes and you’re like, “Oh wow, yeah. Josh is a bricklayer. That thing feels hopeless as soon as it leaves his hands.” Josh doesn’t move bodies when the other team’s shot attempt hits the rim and bounces up. Josh might have good rebounding numbers, but I want someone who moves opposing players away from the rim during rebounding scrums. Now I will say this about Josh, he must be a joy to play offense with. He moves around a lot, passes the ball, and makes smart dashes to the rim without the ball. His layups are good. He throws dimes. He can’t be outside during the daytime. I guess it’s pretty obvious why he makes the fifteen-year-old girls swoon, but my tan is light years ahead of Josh Giddey’s. Aren’t Australians supposed to all have wicked tans? Not our favorite high school chaperone Josh Giddey!

You’ve heard the rumblings about Isaiah Joe. How he’s the sharpest deadeye west of the Mississippi. Well, let me tell you that the rumors are true. That man needs only one shot to put a bullet in your brain from three hundred yards with a rifle. The Thunder offense feels like it’s doing everything to eventually conclude with an Isaiah Joe three when he’s in the game. His teammates understand that there’s no better shot against a set defense than a wide-open Isaiah Joe catch-and-shoot three. The ball goes through the net differently when Isaiah Joe shoots threes. It’s like there’s a velocity to the ball as it hits absolutely zero parts of the rim. The net seems to move with more force when Isaiah Joe makes a shot. That dude is great. It’s funny (in an incompetent way) that the Sixers let Isaiah Joe leave their team.

OH! When did Lu Dort get so fucking good?! He was hunting three-point attempts (and making them) in that first quarter! Lu Dort is what Brad Beal is supposed to be on offense. On defense, Lu Dort is still the dude who shut down Prime Little Game James when the Thunder were playing the Rockets. Put that Lu Dort contract that Sam Presti signed him to on the first page of Sam Presti’s written submission as the best basketball team builder in the history of existence. Lu Dort is pullin’ out straps on these fuck niggas. That man has a nickname! Lu “Haitian Scarface” Dort. Let it be etched in stone. Haitian Scarface is going Young M.A. on these dumb bitches!

Thunder Coach seems like a well-composed guy. Someone who hasn’t gotten a single technical foul all season. His team passes the ball like an excellent offensive team. No wonder Sam Presti chose him as his head coach. Sam and I both like a coach who looks as plain as Thunder Coach and who instills in his team a level of teamwork on offense that breaks teams like the Pelicans.

Speaking of breaking the Pelicans, there’s this guy on the Thunder named Aaron Wiggins who ABSOLUTELY DROPPED CJ McCollum on a move. It was during an offensive possession that wasn’t a fast break too! Just an ordinary halfcourt possession that featured one of the Thunder reserves ABSOLUTELY DROPPING CJ McCollum. It was like someone in the crowd shot CJ with the same gun that they use to shoot predatory coyotes when they get too close to the family chicken coop. CJ has been washed for a minute. He’s been playing too much on this Pelicans team, and it’s high time that the Pelicans ship him off to the Leastern Conference. CJ should go to Detroit. I have no clue what they’d send back to the Pelicans but CJ’s time as a meaningful player for Bestern Conference playoffs teams has long been over. He’s getting stripped at halfcourt by Jalen Williams and getting DROPPED by some dude named Aaron Wiggins. Not to mention the shimmying and shucking that Shai Gilgous does to that poor man. CJ wore “Education Reform” on his Bubble Jersey, and for that he deserves to go to hell. CJ has been a mainstay on the NBAPA officer list, and for that, we know he’s a snitch. PatBev said that CJ was a “white black guy” and we’ve known that for ten years at Wrongbomb. We knew that when CJ was so obviously proud of being a “Journalism” major at Lehigh. That dude belongs at ESPN with all the other ruthlessly boring people who talk about sports for money. CJ doesn’t fool us. That dude is a Major League Party Pooper.

The Pelicans absolutely got boat-raced in that game, but they would clap the Knicks. They have a bunch of 6’-7” soldiers on this team. Naji Marshall, Herb Jones, Trey Murphy III, Larry Nance. Not Brandon Ingram! That guy looks despondent on the bench and it’s a gift to humanity that Chet injured him. It’s condemning that the Pelicans aren’t better and it’s condemning of Brandon Ingram. The Pelicans have a lot of good players but Brandon Ingram and CJ McCollum shoot too much for them to win. José Alvarado is better than CJ McCollum.

Valanciunas scored the first eleven Pelicans points and can you guess who was the Pelicans player who decided that it was his turn to shoot and not Jonas’? That’s right! CJ McCollum. CJ is what religious people would describe as a “snake in the grass”. Screw that dude. Let’s all watch Aaron Wiggins ABSOLUTELY DROP CJ McCollum on YouTube today.

The Pelicans need to nut up and trade some people, aka Brandon Ingram and CJ McCollum.

God bless this Thunder team.

Cavaliers 🤺 (+2.5) over MAGIC 🧞

SIXERS 🔔 (-5.5) over Knicks 👖

Nuggets ⛏️ (+1.5) over LAKERS ⭐

Day 7

Record: 10-9

I’m a genie in a bottle baby, come on and let me out!

After the Knicks game ended, my stepson needed a ride from his favorite father figure so your’s truly picked up the stepson who loves me more than I like him. My stepson is sobbing and in obvious emotional distress when he steps inside the minivan.

“Mitchell I just need you to know that you did the most that you could. Not a lot of other people would make it back to their teams after the surgery you had. You really showed your character by making it back for the playoffs. Never have any doubt about that. You are worth every penny of that extension that Leon Rose gave you. You played amazing when you were on the court. People will remember the courage you showed against the Sixers.”

My stepson still has his head down but the tears seem to be slowing. He always likes it when I pump him up like this. It means more when it’s coming from someone other than his mother (who I’ve been having a lot of great sex with).

I wait an appropriate amount of time to let the message that I just conveyed sink into my stepson on the drive to White Plains from Philadelphia.

“But, Mitchell.”

My stepson looks up. He understands that the change in my tone means that he needs to stop crying like a little bitch and look at me when I talk to him.

“That was your last game of this season. It’s over. You’re done. You can not go back on the court after reinjuring your surgically repaired ankle. Yes, Ebola Embiid should have been thrown out of the game after that obscene flagrant he committed against you. Really, Ebola Embiid needs to have a hit put on him for that. The refs too. For so obviously giving Ebola a light sentence because the fans came to see him. It’s gross now, and it was gross the second it happened. Even if the Sixers come back with you gone, no one will forget that Ebola Embiid is despicable and that he deserves to get Ebola, and also have his limbs severed with a piping hot machete. I need to stop talking about it because thinking about what Ebola Embiid did to you is making it difficult to drive. Anyways, Mitchell. I need you to tell me that it’s over. You have a family who loves you (I carefully use the word ‘family’ because that includes his mother and she quite obviously loves him), and you owe it to them to recover properly from ankle surgery. You’ve given more than enough to the Knicks. Alright?”

“Alright, Dad.”

This is the first time that my stepson has called me Dad. Something that I’ve actually been insistent on not happening. I thought that it would be better for my stepson and me to have boundaries since I’ve only been having great sex with his mother for a year and a half, and I’m not his biological father. Someone who my stepson has never spent serious time with. I respect my place to my stepson and I’ve never wanted to insert myself into his life in a paternalistic way.

“Say it, Mitchell.”

“I’m done.”

And so we drive the rest of the way in silence. The second movement of Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony is playing in the car speakers and the ominous tones are very fitting to the atmosphere in the minivan. Beethoven is always there when I need him.

That game 3 was dreadful. It was a typical Leastern Conference game, which is a gross basketball game that you don’t enjoy watching and a game whose ending you look forward to.

The first quarter might’ve taken 45 minutes. Loads of foul reviews, lots of free throws, and lots of timeouts. Even the chat on the illegal stream that I use was taking notice of how long the first quarter took.

I guess we’ll start with what every Sixers fan probably wants to start with, which would be roasting Tobias Harris for being a retarded horse. Here’s the sequence of the game that illustrated the Tobias Harris Experience. It was so dumb that even the halftime show brought it up on their giant monitor (I don’t usually watch the halftime but I was so disgusted with the Sixers after the first half that I couldn’t move. Of course it was still on mute.) CamPayne (more on him later!) missed a three. Tobias Harris got the offensive rebound (good job Tobias!). Tobias Harris missed the putback attempt (not good, but fine, whatever). Then the problems start. Tobias jumps forward to try and get another offensive rebound. Now he’s pushing his luck. Tobias Harris doesn’t secure a second offensive rebound and his efforts leave him behind every Knick player. Now there’s a Knicks fast break where Tobias is behind every offensive player. Tobias Harris is not someone who runs back on defense with inspiration. So the Knicks come down the court and Sixers defenders are scrambling and defending players that they’re not supposed to because Tobias is Missing In Action. The Knicks fail to quickly get an easy shot but there’s a big freaking problem. Jalen Brunson’s defender had to leave Jalen to guard OG Anunonby on the corner three. Tobias is a retarded horse so instead of picking up Brunson, Tobias Harris decides to help Ebola Embiid near the rim. That’s a huge blunder! Ebola Embiid doesn’t need help with that! Evidently, there is no amount of money you can award Tobias Harris so that he understands that obvious fact. Tobias doesn’t comprehend Brunson at the top of the three-point line. OG passes the ball to Brunson. Ebola Embiid points to Brunson to say, “Tobias, what the fuck are you doing?!”. Tobias is sad and confused. Brunson swishes the three.

Later in a timeout huddle, Kyle Lowry is talking to Tobias in an animated way. Kyle is a deplorable basketball player but you can’t call him a retarded horse. Actually, Kyle is quite smart. When Kyle is talking to Tobias, Tobias needs to just shut the fuck up and listen. Tobias was not doing that. Tobias was explaining his mental retardation in a clueless way to Kyle. Screw Tobias Harris. He deserves all the mirth that Philadelphia gives him.

In the first half, the Sixers were acting like a team who formally protests games after they end, which is to say, a bunch of pussies. Just abominable stuff from the Sixers in the first half. Ebola Embiid was approaching Devin Booker levels of pathetic. Nick Nurse was arguing way too much with the refs. Basically, everyone besides Maxey (and Tobias, but he doesn’t count) was losing their composure with what was happening during the first half. Gross stuff. When you watched the first half, you thought, “Wait, is Ebola Embiid really going to get swept after saying that the Sixers were going to win the series after game 2?! Holy fuck!”

This was already mentioned, but it wasn’t explicit enough. My stepson made Ebola Embiid fall to the ground during a rebound scrum, which there is nothing wrong with. My stepson was just too strong for Ebola Embiid to handle. Trust me, I’m an unbiased third-party. When Ebola Embiid fell to the floor, he pulled my stepson’s ankle as he jumped up to put the basketball in the basket. As Ebola Embiid was lying on the floor! Not only that, but as my stepson fell on to Ebola Embiid, Ebola used both his arms to push my stepson away from him as he was falling. Reading that sequence of events is wild. Ebola Embiid should’ve been thrown out of the game for that but the dipshit refs are ordered by Penis Head Silver to not throw start players out of the game. Not during the preseason. Not during the real games that happen now. Probably not even during the Las Vegas Summer League. Disgusting.

Kelly Oubre was missing most of his attempts and losing his composure in the first half, but he seemed like the only other Sixer besides Maxey who wanted to win that game during the first half.

The Knicks kept making more threes than anyone had a right to expect from them. Josh Hart, especially. I guess I have to fear Josh Hart as a three-point shooter now.

Somehow halftime comes, and the score is pretty much tied. Charles Barkley looked really upset at that Sixers performance which he was obligated to be as a red-blooded Sixers fan. I can’t imagine the vitriol that was coursing through The Center after that disgusting first half of Sixers basketball. Oh well. The second half started and CAM PAYNE got some kerosene, some matches, a strike pad, AND LIT THE CENTER ON FIRE. Holy fuck CamPayne was electric. He loves to act like a fool after his threes and yesterday he deserves that. He has a ‘1994’ tattoo on his tricep to remind himself when he was born, and if the Sixers pull this off, there are going to be crazy people in Philadephia who copy that in CamPayne’s honor. These crowds in Philadephia are obvious nut jobs. Women with a lot of shoulder tattoos and what we will kindly call “exposed gristle”. The guys also have a bunch of tattoos, but they throw in huge beards, zany hats, and loud combinations of red and blue. Oh, and spiked hair with sides that are shaven. That’s a funky bunch. I liked how the people behind the basket where the Knicks shot free throws in the second half, had the Chick-fil-A signs to distract Knicks free-throw shooters. That made me smile.

Is Nicolas Batum taking steroids? Can I get some of those steroids? That block that Nic had was incredible. He’s hunting three-point attempts too. How it’s 2024 and Nic Batum is so good, I do not know, but the Sixers are beyond lucky to have this version of the Frenchman on their team.

Ebola Embiid had a bunch of points (and a bunch of free throws). Fuck him. No, really. Fuck him.

Donte dunked the piss out of the ball on that one dunk. He also made a half-court shot that left his hands after the buzzer. He was playing like a 6’-4”, white Zion Williamson in that game.

Watching the game, it was pretty obvious that Jalen Brunson was throwing shovelfuls of diarrhea into my mouth. He had a lot of points. Whatever. Jalen Brunson needs to do that in a win.

Isaiah Hartenstein still hasn’t missed one of those “floater” shots that he likes to shoot. My stepson was definitely better than Isaiah but as we’ve already covered, my stepson isn’t playing again in this series and that’s a huge problem because Isaiah Hartenstein isn’t big enough to handle Ebola Embiid. He’s also not listening to me. I told him to stop fouling Ebola Embiid on shots that are taken far away from the rim and he’s still committing those fouls.

Listen, Ebola Embiid deserves the worst in life for what he did to my stepson but things look bleak for the Knicks with only Isaiah and Precious as their Ebola Embiid defenders. Dreadful game. Shout out to the Leastern Conference.

PACERS 🏎️ (-6.5) over Fucks 🦌

MAVS 🐴 (-4.5) over Clippers ⛵

Wolves 🐺 (+4.5) over SUNS ☀️ MHP (Mental Health Pick)

Day 8

Record: 12-10

Wow, we have our head above water! Shout out to the MHP! Waking up to the realization that the Timberwolves embarrassed the Suns made some of the bad taste in our mouth from watching that gross Mavs-Clippers game evaporate. My goodness, that Mavs-Clippers game was difficult to watch. Just awful.

It’s a new year, and Dallas still appears to be the epicenter of America when it comes to white women with dyed blonde hair, red skin, and fifteen extra pounds. Dallas is a place that we don’t need to visit to know with every bone in our body that it is a place not worth living in.

During the incident that finally got the Scared Refs to eject Westbroke, there was an older lady dressed in a Louis Vuitton jacket who clearly enjoyed watching the Blacks fight. She clearly took sexual pleasure in watching Westbroke and PJ Washington act violently and her arm movements to gesticulate throwing Westbroke out of the game were quite animated. Her family clearly owned Africans two hundred years ago.

Those refs couldn’t control that game. James Capers, Justin Van Dyne, and Gay Bill Kennedy. Gay Bill Kennedy stopped the game to take an alien object off of the court and you could clearly see that Gay Bill Kennedy runs, smiles, and makes hand motions like a flaming homo. Gay Bill Kennedy is not one of those gays who you are shocked to learn is gay. Gay Bill Kennedy is one of those gays who think it’s a big deal to “come out of the closet”, when in fact, everyone that he has ever met in his life has known that he’s a homo the second they met him.

How many times did James Capers have to go to the video review in that game? Five times? Jesus Christ. That dude refs Finals games. You’d figure that he has the testicular fortitude to give players technical fouls in the first quarter of games without having to review what happened for five minutes. Nope. I don’t believe that there were any technical fouls before Westbroke was ejected two hours after he needed to be.

Justin Van Dyne was too busy calling horseshit shooting fouls on Dante Exum to sack up and give Lord Luka a technical in the first quarter. He was just as awful during that game as James Capers and Gay Bill Kennedy.

That game needed the refs to call technical fouls and eject people in the first quarter. None of those three had the dick to do that so the players kept pushing and eventually Westbroke started a skirmish. Shame on the refs for not having a dick. We’re talking about the refs because they were the biggest part of this game! It was an awful game!

Doris Burke needs to talk to Meryl Streep about how to be a sixty-year-old. Doris is doing too much with that red lipstick and the brown jacket. Aging gracefully is extremely difficult, but I think Doris Burke can do a better job of it than she’s currently doing. I know Drake gave her some of his love, and that is a drug that women can’t come down from, but Doris Burke needs to come back to reality. Drake’s attention was a fleeting moment in time. Something that was too good to last. Be an example for America, Doris. Embrace being a senior citizen.

In that Chime commercial, is it racist that the lady who is trying to rent an apartment but is concerned about her credit score is black? Of course, I had the broadcast on mute but it looked like that lady was trying to rent an apartment but her credit score needed to improve. Apparently, working more in the kitchen was enough to get her home. Thank goodness for Chime because it must have helped her secure her residence. I didn’t know what Chime was but since I watched that commercial, now I know. Chime is an app that helps non-whites improve their finances. What an upstanding company!

Alright, let’s address that muck that the Clippers gave us yesterday. Westbroke had a savage block of Kyrie that should be in the NBA Top Plays video, but that’s the only good thing he did all game. He missed every wide-open shot that the Mavs dared him to take and then he got thrown out. The faces that Westbroke makes really turn me off. Westbroke grew up in Lawndale (shout out to Leuzinger HS), but he acts like he grew up in Watts. Westbroke needs to leave the league, and if the Clippers lose on Sunday, he might. How do people watch him play and treat him with kindness and respect off the court? I’m sure Westbroke cons people into the whole “I’m a different person on the court” bullshit. If I can impart one thing to people, it would be the falseness of that dogma. People who play basketball reveal their character with how they play. You can learn everything about a person by watching them play basketball. Or compete in any sport. Or drink alcohol. Or just do drugs in general. People take off their masks when the adrenaline of competition starts. Westbroke is a real douchebag on and off the court. If you let him con you into believing otherwise, that’s your fault and you deserve to be conned. Let Nina Westbrook talk herself into the false benevolence of Westbroke. You can see him with sober eyes. That dude is no good. He should’ve been thrown out after that foul on Josh Green.

Little Game James, Stormin’ Norman, and Ivica Zubac were the Good Clippers yesterday. Little Game James was on fire from three in the first half. It didn’t last, but Little Game James might have been the Clippers' best player. Now, that’s an insurmountable problem for the Clippers, but it’s nice that Little Game James hasn’t started his annual playoff choke job.

Stormin’ Norman didn’t take enough shots, but the ones he did take, went in the basket. Every day for Stormin’ Norman is Ash Wednesday. Or whatever day it is that people mark their foreheads with black smudges. It makes me happy to see a 2019 Raptors Alumni do well, so Stormin’ Norman’s proficiency during these playoffs brings a smile to my face.

Ivica Zubac makes everything around the basket. It’s incredible. Those shots aren’t easy and Zubac feels automatic when he attempts them. Gafford and Lively have no chance guarding him but the Clippers aren’t patient enough to keep throwing post-entry passes to Zubac. Too bad.

Paul George was hot dogshit yesterday. Lord Luka is starting to target him on defense, and Gafford blocked PG at the rim in an embarrassing way. Tack Paul George onto the list of Washed Athletes Who Start Podcasts. Draymond Green, PatBev, PG, CJ McCollum, and probably others who I am forgetting. I know that Tyrese Maxey is the one exception to this, but if I were an owner and I found out that one of my players started a podcast, I would immediately trade them. I wouldn’t talk to the player about it. There would be no bargaining. I would just call the general manager and tell him (or her, actually, probably him. I’d have a woman coach and a man for a general manager. I’d be wary of a woman getting emotionally attached to the players and thus having a hard time trading them. But for coaching, I’d have a woman because they would be better at calling out poor effort than a man. And not one of those carpet-muncher WNBAers. My female coach would be a heterosexual woman. If she ever had a sexual encounter with a player, I’d let it happen. Just Win, Baby.)

Wow, we’re off track!

Paul George has been washed. There was a play during the preseason that landed on the NBA Top Ten Plays that had Kelly Oubre chasing down Paul George on a fastbreak dunk attempt. According to my fallible memory, Paul George thought that he was all alone and took his sweet time dunking the basketball. Kelly chased him down like a man gunning for everything Paul George has in life and blocked his ass. It was a play that told me it was over for Paul George. There are plays that happen that loudly proclaim that someone is washed. Plays like that dunk. Plays like CJ McCollum getting stripped at halfcourt by Jalen Williams. Plays like Brad Beal refusing to attempt catch-and-shoot threes. When you’re too old, you stop shooting, you commit backbreaking turnovers, and you get your shit swatted at the rim. That’s the Washed Checklist. Ok, now for Kawhi. All of his shot attempts hit the front rim in a sad, weak way. This hurts as someone who wore a “Kawhi-Lowry ‘19. Make Toronto Great Again” black long-sleeve for a period of years following that blessed campaign. Kawhi was dreadful yesterday and the Clippers were better with him on the bench and Stormin’ Norman playing. Or Amir Coffey. Kawhi should’ve been targeted on defense by Lord Luka or Kyrie, but Kawhi’s reputation still carries clout. Soon, it won’t. For my beloved Kawhi, the end is near. Too bad for Steve Balmer that he gave Kawhi a four-year extension. Sorry Clippers fans (lol). That goaltending that Kawhi committed was so obvious. Obvious, and sad. That ball had obviously touched the backboard and to see Kawhi block it so late made me frown. Kawhi isn’t making plays on defense anymore. When the Pacers-Fucks game finally ended (Khris Middleton!!!) and Kawhi wasn’t playing, I was wondering if he was declared out even though he was in shorts and a warm-up shirt. Evidently, he’s just on a minutes restriction. And not attempting shots. When Kawhi was swinging on the rim for three solid seconds after one of his dunks, he looked like a man who was coming to grips with the fact that his athletic prime was yesterday. So sad.

Lord Luka needs to wake the fuck up and start making shots. There were moments yesterday when I thought Lord Luka was going to start burning down the building but it never actually happened. In the first quarter, it looked like Lord Luka was not going to be able to walk again but he went into the locker room, got some heavy painkillers, and proceeded to play a solid game. We want more from Lord Luka. We missed watching him last year and we want to see him eat another team’s soul. Lord Luka looks overweight.

Kyrie Irving woke the fuck up in the second half. These transition threes that Kyrie takes feel automatic. When things are slipping away and there’s a lot of chaos happening on the court, you want Kyrie Irving shooting the ball. Whatever Navajo Spirit that floods Kyrie Irving’s spirit makes every shot that he attempts in chaotic moments on the court, perfectly swish through the net.

Derek Lively II was awesome in that game. Lots of dunks, a few blocks, and even some rebounds against the monster we call Zubac. Derek Lively is doing his mother proud. Unlike Karl Towns.

Holy fuck was PJ Washington the truth! Shout out to Brittany Renner. She looks good with makeup, but I’m dubious about her beauty when she doesn’t have $1000 of beauty products and an hour to “get ready”. PJ had an impressive offensive rebound where he bodied one of the Clippers (it might’ve been PG), and threw down a powerful two-hand slam. PJ Washington is playing like a man inspired by alimony obligations. Yesterday, he was dunking that basketball like a soldier. Thank you, Reptile Marc, for finally getting someone like PJ to help Lord Luka!

Derrick Jones was phenomenal yesterday too. He tried to dunk on Zubac but Zubac is a monster and Jones isn’t heavy enough to dunk on Zubac. Oh well. Jones made both free throws! He also made at least one three! Derrick Jones is good! That “foul” that he had on Zubac looked like a clean block and idk how the refs didn’t overturn that call after Koach Kidd challenged it. It was a terrible challenge by Koach Kidd by the way. Wouldn’t a successful challenge just give the Clippers the ball back? I’m not sure, but there didn’t seem to be a lot of upside to that challenge.

Josh Green has a great mustache.

Terrible, rotten, no-good basketball game yesterday.

MAGIC 🧞 (-2.5) over Cavs 🤺

Thunder ⛈️ (-1.5) over PELICANS 🦆 (I’m watching this game)

Celtics 🍀 (-9.5) over HEAT 🔥

Nuggets ⛏️ (-3.5) over LAKERS ⭐

Day 9

Record: 15-11

Got the trap jumpin’ like Zion when I rebound it

Then I’m out, and I’ll never talk about it

Everything can be lost in a single day but today we will be happy with ourselves. We will celebrate the fact that a few days ago, we were picking the Suns to cover spreads in the Twin Cities, and now, we’re four games above five hundred. Ross got it.

Yesterday we were one spirited Lakers effort from 4-0! And the game I watched wasn’t an awful dreck! Yay!

We freaking love the Thunder. Who were the people picking the Pelicans to cover 1.5 points?! I was thinking that to myself at about the midway point of the first quarter and these blessed Thunder players never made me regret that thought for one second. This Thunder team is so good! These spreads that Las Vegas gives them against this Pelicans corpse are extremely disrespectful. 8.5 at home and 1.5 in Louisiana. Bitch, please. This Pelicans team is getting blown up after the season because the Thunder are kicking their ass so bad. It’s a joy to watch. This Thunder team passes the ball on offense and turns into a pack of wolves hunting the ball on defense.

Several times, I screamed “HAITIAN” so loud that many of my neighbors could hear me (and wonder why the fuck I was screaming “HAITIAN”). Haitian Scarface just brings an uncontrollable amount of joy to me when I watch him. The Pelicans are having a very difficult time screening Haitian Scarface, and that’s a big fucking problem because Brandon Ingram is too slow to get space for himself when Haitian Scarface is guarding him. It makes me so happy watching the moribund look on Brandon Ingram’s face when Haitian Scarface is sucking the soul out of his physical body. It’s incredible. When Brandon is being guarded by Haitian Scarface, Brandon is more focused on ensuring that his jersey is properly tucked into his shorts, than on how he’s going to score against Haitian Scarface. Brandon Ingram’s career won’t be the same after the ass-kicking that Haitian Scarface is giving him. Haitian Scarface did this to Little Game James some years ago, and he’s doing it to Brandon Ingram right now. Haitian Scarface is a big reason why the Pelicans are collectively quitting on life. When Brandon Ingram jumped into Haitian Scarface at the end of the third quarter and clearly displayed his exasperation at how the refs didn’t call a foul on Haitian Scarface for being in his way, we knew that Brandon Ingram was dead and gone. Brandon didn’t give a shit that he made the shot. He just wanted the refs to do something to allow Brandon Ingram to travel back in time and never play against Haitian Scarface. Sorry, Brandon. The dipshit refs can’t even throw Westbroke out of a game in a timely manner. Time travel is not within the scope of their capabilities.

Brandon Ingram does the same thing as Brad Beal on offense. Catch the ball and stop. When Brandon Ingram has the ball, three seconds of nothingness needs to pass before something happens. It’s just so dumb! In honor of Brandon Ingram, here is the All-NBA Douchebag Team: D’Angelo Russell, Devin Booker, Karl Towns (those three are best friends irl), Brandon Ingram, and Devin Vassell. Not only are all five of those people unrepentant faggots, but they kind of make sense as a basketball team. Not if you want to win or be happy watching them play of course, but that’s a team that you could talk yourself into believing could happen. They would think that they would form a formidable foe to other teams and when the playoffs started, we could all gather around the television and cackle at that team shitting their pants together.

It makes me smile watching the Thunder pass the ball to find open threes and layups, then seeing Brandon Ingram and CJ McCollum try to answer that with tough midrange fadeaways over the fantastic Thunder defenders. Watch the Pelicans trade those two when the season ends.

Not only did Haitian Scarface make it super obvious that Brandon Ingram didn’t want to play anymore, but he had an incredible play where he outran Trey Murphy to a loose ball and threw the ball off Trey and out-of-bounds. Thunder ball. I screamied, “HAITIAN”. Every Thunder offensive possession is a cause for celebration because, as I’ve clearly stated previously, they’re just a joy to behold.

The four threes that Haitian Scarface made were incredibly loud. You don’t miss the points that Haitian Scarface scores. He’s not like Durantula or Brandon Ingram where you wonder where their points came from. When Haitian Scarface makes four threes, you think that he scored six. He’s so good! What the fuck! How do the Thunder have him?! And he’s like, the fourth-best player on the team! Maybe the fifth! It’s just incredible. Sam Presti deserves every second of screen time that TNT gives him. More time, and an official-looking descriptor below him with “Sam Presti, greatest NBA team-builder of all-time”. This Thunder team is just absurd.

There’s this dude on the Thunder named Aaron Wiggins. The guy that crossed CJ McCollum so bad that it looked like someone in the crowd shot him. That dude is good! He’s big, and obviously, he can dribble that basketball. Aaron is also fantastic moving without the basketball. Something that Brandon Ingram is too good for. Before this series, “Aaron Wiggins” was just someone who made me think of Maple Jordan, but now I know. Aaron Wiggins is a dude. How the Thunder have him coming off the bench is just another ridiculous testament to the clairvoyance of Sam Presti.

Oh, and The Other Jalen Williams made a hook shot and a three in the first quarter. No big deal. Don’t forget about him stone-walling Jonas Valanciunas. Jesus Christ.

Josh “High School Dance Chaperone” Giddey made four threes. After his second three, it felt like the Thunder were invincible. Their record when High School Dance Chaperone makes two threes is probably quite silly. When he makes four, they surely have never lost. I have a hard time watching High School Dance Chaperone do that shit with his hair, and the paleness of his skin bothers me, but I’ll admit when High School Dance Chaperone isn’t an anchor on the Thunder ship to victory. Yesterday was clearly a day where he wasn’t. Earlier in the game, it kind of felt like the Thunder needed to not play him because Larry Nance was assigned to guarding him but Larry was completely ignoring him. High School Dance Chaperone making four threes was something that Willie Green dared him to do, and High School Dance Chaperone obliged.

Chet! Goddamn, Chet Holmgren is the fucking TRUTH. Trey Murphy tried to dunk on him twice and got blocked. One of those looked like a foul but the refs respect Chet so they gave him the benefit of the doubt. Trey needs to stop trying to dunk on Chet. Grand Theft Alvarado tried a shot when Chet was around the basket and the block was the kind of block that sends players to the D-League. Don’t forget about the block of CJ McCollum! Chet wasn’t sniping from three during game 3, but his defense was shutting down the Pelicans. Herb Jones saw every one of his teammates try and fail to score at the rim against Chet and decided to join in on the party. That missed dunk should be a credited block for Chet.

We love watching Chet Holmgren run. He’s a beautiful, majestic creature. Against Chet, the Pelicans can’t play Valanciunas because everyone on the Thunder can dribble around him for layups, and the Pelicans can’t play Nance because Nance isn’t getting enough rebounds or protecting the rim. As a rookie, Chet Holmgren is making all of the Pelicans bigs unplayable. Nutty stuff. The Pelicans have quit trying to get offensive rebounds because every Thunder fastbreak turns into a layup or an Isaiah Joe (or HAITIAN SCARFACE) made three-pointer.

Speaking of CJ, we have to interrupt this Thunder Circle Jerk to besmirch the McCollum family name. CJ has been a real pig in this series. It’s wild how much he’s shooting. Passing is something that CJ would prefer not to do. CJ needs to be the hero. I’d be shocked if CJ regularly sucked the period blood out of his wife’s vagina. That’s something that only a person who runs without the basketball on offense, avoids getting stuck on ball screens, and sets off-ball screens would do. Selfless acts in the interests of others are not something that CJ McCollum has any passion for. ESPN doesn’t care though! They can’t wait to put that man in a suit and place him on their broadcast. Journalism degree from Lehigh, and he’s scored a bunch of points on shitty Blazers teams. Give that man a platform! Ugh. CJ is gross. That blooper real that TNT showed with all of CJ’s putrid misses was a tonic for tired eyes. Gosh, that was delicious. At one point, I think CJ was 2-11 on field goals. ESPN would never make a blooper real of CJ so props to TNT.

Being an absolute pig on offense wasn’t enough for CJ. He had to throw in the standard amount of turnovers as well. Jalen Williams wasn’t the one who stripped CJ at halfcourt. Yesterday, it was Shai Gilgeous. There were probably some interceptions that CJ threw, but I remember the plays where he gets pickpocketed at halfcourt. We can’t wait until the Pelicans trade CJ to the Pistons. Or the Wizards. Jordan Poole and CJ McCollum backcourt. LMAO.

We haven’t mentioned that CJ can’t guard anyone. Shai Gilgeous gets a layup whenever CJ gets stuck on him, but Shai Gilgeous was cooking Herb Jones so badly yesterday, that Herb Jones got a well-deserved technical for complaining to Marc Davis. Herb Jones was raised right by a loving family (unlike Brandon Ingram) so you’re shocked when Herb starts getting technicals. What Shai was doing yesterday was cruel and unusual. That step-back three that he hit over Brandon Ingram at the end of the shot clock was probably a big reason why Brandon Ingram decided to quit on life. It’s a joy watching Shai Gilgeous find lay-up angles. There are plays when Shai Gilgeous stops so forcefully that the refs call nonsense offensive fouls on him because it doesn’t make sense that the defenders (Grand Theft Alvarado) are flying into the netherworld trying to guard Shai Gilgeous. There has to have been some kind of illegal Jayson Tatum pushoff. Nope. Just Shai Gilgeous stopping too suddenly.

So yeah, Shai Gilgeous is an insurmountable hurdle for the Pelicans. There’s another one of those hurdles on the Thunder. Besides Chet Holmgren. That unsolvable problem would be the guy named Jalen Williams. Jalen Williams had a personal blitzkrieg during the third quarter. Lots of threes. In particular, the stepback three over Larry Nance was filthy. Tough shots in the key where he sheds defenders with his massive shoulders before jumping to open space (and clean swishes). Absolutely burying Grand Theft Alvarado every time he guarded Jalen near the rim. Seriously, Grand Theft Alvarado can’t be in the game when Jalen Williams is on the court. I’ve been complimenting Grand Theft Alvarado despite my personal distaste for Puerto Ricans, but yesterday was the kind of game that will get Grand Theft Alvarado playing in Guangdong.

That jump ball that the refs called between Larry Nance and Jalen Williams was absolutely a jump ball, but it was impressive that Jalen Williams ripped the ball out of Larry’s grasp. We’re a few games away from Jalen Williams getting called Rottweiler.

Jalen Williams left the game thirty seconds after it started, so it was good to see him ready to bang in that third quarter. Jalen left, and Cason Wallace (and his warrior dreadlocks) came into the game and made shots. Seriously, it’s disgusting how many good players the Thunder have.

Behind OKC Coach, there was a New Orleans fan who had a tennis ball permanently lodged in his throat. That was gross, and also something that you’d expect from a Louisiana Man.

Allie LaForce is still the hottest sideline reporter for NBA Playoff games, and yesterday she wore a tasteful, light purple jacket. I point out when the sideline reporters wear distasteful clothes or are just too fat to be on television, so I feel compelled to compliment Allie for both maintaining hotness and also wearing something nice. Good for her.

This Thunder team was an unstoppable machine yesterday and I just love watching them. How they were only 1.5-point favorites in that game is beyond me.

SIXERS 🔔 (-5.5) over Knicks 👖

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-5.5) over Clippers ⛵

PACERS 🏎️ (-9.5) over Fucks 🦌

Timberwolves 🐺 (-1.5) over SUNS ☀️

Day 10

Record: 17-13

It really felt like I was going to go 0-4 yesterday but Myles Turner came to my rescue.

I quit at halftime of Mavs-Clippers because the Clippers were shooting 60% from three, Luka was acting like a petulant child throwing a tantrum (and finally got a well-deserved technical), and everyone on the Mavs besides Kyrie refused to make a shot. Non, je ne regrette rien.

Celtics 🍀 (-10.5) over HEAT 🔥

Thunder ⛈️ (-4.5) over PELICANS 🦆 (I’m watching this game)

NUGGETS ⛏️ (-7.5) over Lakers ⭐

Day 11

Record: 19-14

Okay, this the intro, so I’ma set the mood

You thinkin twice? I am too

So ain’t none of you niggas cool

So now that you know, what you want to do?

What I want to do is keep watching Thunder games, and listen to Yo Gotti hits. Down In The DM is a song that still slaps. That dude made some certified songs! Don’t forget about Yo Gotti!

What you need after watching this vomit that Lord Luka is giving us right now, is to watch this Thunder team. My goodness, I thought it might be a little bit repetitive and boring to watch the Thunder AGAIN, in a game that they’re pre-ordained to come out sluggish in but nope. This Thunder team is never boring and I love them. As we all know, I have not watched one second of this year’s Nuggets (because I watched the play-in and that was enough Lakers for this year) but this Thunder team is probably my favorite team that I’ve laid eyes on this year. They’re just resplendent.

Since the Thunder are newcomers to the real season, their entire team didn’t have a nickname, and discovering nicknames for their players has just added to the visceral jubilation that I feel while watching them. Is this turning into a love letter for this Thunder team? Hey, with Chet Holmgren, nothing is off the table. I’d walk through a fire for that man. Just like Kelsey Plum would for Darren Waller. What did Kelsey expect when she exchanged vows with that man? I know! She expected things to be different for her! Sorry, Kelsey. Maybe it’s the pirated Bally’s Sports Oklahoma City broadcast that I’m watching, but I expected to see more commercials with Kelsey Plum. She’s hot, and she’s great at basketball. She should be in commercials.

Yesterday, there was an Action Network report that told me that it was a sucker bet to take the Nuggets, and I felt it in my bones. So I needed this Thunder pick to cash. During the game, some promises were made to the Thunder players if they pulled through for Mr. Carson. They PULLED THROUGH. For the first three quarters, the Thunder were ice-cold from three, and just shooting poorly, but in the fourth quarter High School Dance Chaperone and JALEN “ROTTWEILER” WILLIAMS took me on their shoulders and carried my ass to 2-1. What a time!

There’s no one else to start with on the Thunder other than Rottweiler. He would easily be the Pelicans’ best player but he’s usually the third-best Thunder player. Not yesterday though! Yesterday, Rottweiler was playing like a better-shooting, less-klepto Kawhi Leonard. Rottweiler still gets steals but no one stole things like Spurs Kawhi.

When Shai Gilgeous refused to make a free throw (let alone a three), Rottweiler happily stood in to be the best Thunder player yesterday. He partook in the Brandon Ingram gang-bang with that one block in the fourth quarter. Brandon Ingram really dishonored his family, North Carolina, and America in general with that performance yesterday. The block that Rottweiler had on Ingram was just one of many lowlights for the patron saint of Baby Lakers.

Looking at the box score, you’ll see that Rottweiler only made two threes. It didn’t feel like that watching the game. Watching the game, you felt like Rottweiler made four threes and scored thirty-five points. That’s what happens when you dominate the fourth quarter like Rottweiler did. There was one particular three that he took that was at the end of the shot clock and also from thirty-five feet, so let’s strike that attempt from the record. Rottweiler deserves 2-5. Maybe we can also add another block to Rottweiler’s tally for how impressive that one block on Ingram was.

My goodness, Ingram was a disgrace to America yesterday. Him, and CJ both. Just a couple of pigs playing professional basketball. There can be no debate on Ingram’s inclusion in the All-NBA Douchebag team. Here’s what a typical Ingram possession was yesterday: attempt to back down HAITIAN SCARFACE, get nowhere, never consider passing the ball and attempting to get open without the ball, attempt a low-quality midrange fadeaway, get blocked by Shai Gilgeous helping off CJ McCollum because everyone in Louisiana knew that Ingram wasn’t passing the ball. Brandon Ingram is a real shithead and it’s making me exasperated just thinking about the performance Brandon Ingram had against Haitian Scarface yesterday. Just deplorable stuff. Maybe the Pelicans can offload him to the Raptors for some kibbles and bits. Brandon needs to go to Siberia.

Along with having a female head coach who isn’t afraid to have relationships with players, and a general manager who can’t feel emotional attachment, one of the foundational beliefs of the NBA team that I theoretically own would be to trade players who impregnate adult entertainers. I’m not going to Google it, but I’m pretty sure that’s a life decision that Brandon Ingram made. That, and getting poorly-made tattoos that some artists in prison could beat. Does anyone say how poorly made Brandon Ingram’s tattoos are? They’re low-quality. Lonzo Ball, or Isaiah Hartenstein, Brandon Ingram is not.

It brought a smile to my face watching Brandon Ingram refuse to give the ball to Gay Bill Kennedy after Gay Bill told him that Jaylin Williams not only didn’t foul Brandon on his way to the rim but also managed to have the ball ricochet off Brandon’s chest and out-of-bounds. Yesterday, Brandon was a man who refused to soberly look at reality and it made me cackle with delight. Screw that dude. Brandon Ingram is everything that’s wrong with American Basketball. He’s everything that’s wrong with America.

Speaking of Jaylin Williams, he made plays yesterday! He made a freaking hook shot in game 3 and in game 4, Jaylin added to the unmatched history of Sam Presti sniping the NBA draft. There was a called charge on CJ McCollum against Jaylin Williams that sparked a disgusting seven-minute replay review only to confirm the call on the floor. So that was another case of Jaylin getting extra possessions for the buzzsaw that is the Thunder offense. Jaylin also made a three. What was really impressive though was that after he made one three, he pump-faked for the rest of the game and passed the ball like a team-first player. Jaylin Williams makes faces like a person who is a joy to play with (and be around in general). That’s a happy dude. You want to play basketball with Jaylin Williams. He keeps the ball moving (unlike CJ, Ingram, and Brad Beal lol), he’ll make one open three, he’ll stand up defensively against Jonas Valanciunas, and he’ll create extra offensive possessions with charges taken and deflecting the ball off Brandon Ingram. No, I didn’t expect to be waxing poetic about Jaylin Williams, but here we are. Writing love letters to this Thunder team for not being the Clippers, Mavericks, Lakers, or Suns.

CJ was his typical self yesterday. A selfish pig who pretends to be some kind of smart, nice dude. God, I hate CJ McCollum. When I see him on the muted gym televisions talking at a desk on ESPN, I’m going to spit in the closest water fountain. Then I’ll go do some more deadlifts with the naked vitriol that CJ floods my body with. How people fall for his schtick will never cease to stupefy me.

This is embarrassing to admit but I’ve said that Grand Theft Alvarado is better than CJ. He’s not. I got carried away with my CJ disdain. Yesterday, GTA was unspeakably bad. Much worse than game 3 when I said that soon, GTA would be in Guangdong. GTA missed the rim on two three-point attempts, and one of those attempts was in transition that he absolutely did not have to take. GTA also continued to be a ribeye steak in the eyes of Rottweiler whenever the Thunder successfully marooned GTA onto Rottweiler. GTA was also hopeless against Shai Gilgeous on a night when Shai Gilgeous was missing lots of shots (and free throws). GTA had a game for his haters yesterday, and as someone who has had enough close personal dealings with Puerto Ricans to last ten lifetimes, it makes me happy to see GTA play so badly that front offices are going to start giving automatic demerits to potential prospects for the sole reason that they’re Puerto Rican. No, I don’t believe GTA made a shot yesterday, and I’m pretty sure that he had some turnovers. It simply can not be overstated how much of a trainwreck GTA was yesterday. Willie Green started playing Jordan Hawkins because GTA was so awful.

The reason that the Pelicans were keeping this game close (besides Shai Gilgeous and Chet not making enough shots), was Naji Marshall. Probably Trey Murphy too, but Naji was the one I was scared of as someone who picked the Thunder. Naji was making threes and stealing the ball. He can’t dribble but that dude showed up for the Pelicans. Unlike Herb Jones. Herb got a technical foul in game 3 and he continued his meltdown yesterday. High School Dance Chaperone stripped Herb of the ball with three-and-a-half minutes left in the game in an emasculating way. Herb was missing threes, getting his shots blocked, and looking traumatized for the whole game. Credit to Shai Gilgeous for making Herb Jones look like a Vietnam Veteran who has battle scars that will last a lifetime.

Did I mention High School Dance Chaperone?! I did!! Holy fuck, that dude absolutely saved my Thunder pick!!! That was maybe the possibility that I least expected. Game 4 was another game where High School Dance Chaperone made a bushel of threes. Did he make four threes again?!?! Gosh, he was incredible. High School Dance Chaperone actually started hunting threes and that’s not something I’ve ever seen from him. Usually, he is reluctant to attempt those shots, but yesterday, High School Dance Chaperone was eagerly bombing away and sinking the Pelicans’ hopes and dreams. The three that he made in transition during that flamethrowing fourth quarter made me think that I was smelling colors on acid. So shout out to High School Dance Chaperone. Book that man a flight to John Wayne International Airport because he deserves to have a tour through Orange County coastal high schools.

HAITIAN SCARFACE. He wasn’t making me scream his name like Rottweiler was, but Haitian Scarface absolutely punked Brandon Ingram on about ten different possessions. Shai Gilgeous owes half a block to Haitian Scarface for inducing a weak Ingram fadeaway that Shai Gilgous blocked by leaving his defensive assignment. It’s just so fantastic watching Brandon Ingram try to score on Haitian Scarface and get embarrassed because Haitian Scarface is a man and Brandon Ingram is a little b****. Haitian Scarface has lived through dire life conditions, and he’ll be a try-hard until he’s no longer breathing, which is a stark contrast to Brandon Ingram who will quit at a moment’s notice. Haitian Scarface doesn’t really get a lot of steals or blocks. What he gets are missed shot attempts from the dude he’s guarding. Incredible stuff. Haitian Scarface is a great player. How the Thunder have him is incredible, and I won’t stop saying that.

Earlier, I mentioned how Chet couldn’t buy a bucket. He was practicing threes at the end of halftime, and he looked like a guy who lost faith in his three-pointer. Now, it’s awesome watching Chet pump-fake Valanciunas and dribble by him for layups, but if the Thunder are really going to do this thing, they need Chet to make two threes a game and also not lose confidence in his shot in an obvious way that I can notice on Bally’s Sports Oklahoma. There was a correct travel call on Chet and it happened because Chet was in his head with his shot. Chet needs to shoot free.

What he doesn’t need to change is anything related to his defense. It’s wild watching the Pelicans miss layups because they’re either scared of Chet, or are actually getting blocked by Chet. Chet’s rim protection is a very real thing.

OKC Coach put Gordon Hayward in the game and that needs to be the last time that happens. Gordon doesn’t do anything athletic and doesn’t make shots. Actually, Gordon gets overwhelmed when he finds the ball in his grasp like a high school player playing against D-1 players. Aaron Wiggins needs all of Gordon’s minutes. Or even Cason Wallace despite his refusal to make open threes. Anyone but Gordon. That dude is done. We can all Google Gordon’s wife and laugh to ourselves at how she married Gordon and immediately went to work changing up his look, but that needs to be the full extent of how we think about Gordon Hayward. Not as a basketball player, but as a personal project of a white woman who wanted to be a Basketball Wife.

Shai Gilgous missed six free throws and I started keeping track after his third miss. It felt like he had the free-throw yips when he missed free-throw number three. Shai Gilgeous owes me for that poor shooting performance yesterday.

Oh, and the dude with the tennis ball in his throat was seated behind OKC Coach again.

Does Brandon Ingram still think that he can back down Haitian Scarface?

KNICKS 👖 (-4.5) over Sixers 🔔 (I’m watching this game)

CAVS 🤺 (-4.5) over Magic 🧞

FUCKS 🦌 (+4.5) over Pacers 🏎️

Day 12

Record: 20-16

“You act like prey, but you’re a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That’s how you survive! I survive because I know everything. That snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think, ‘Oh, this poor piece of shit. He never gets a break. I can’t stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I guess I’ll hire him or marry him.”

This is what picking games against the spread (or God forbid, actually putting money on this) is supposed to feel like. You’re supposed to be screaming “MITCHELL” when someone who you pretend is your stepson comes back from an injury that should be holding him out of the game and is making game-deciding steals against an insufferable opponent. Then in thirty seconds, your head feels light and your body feels numb because Tyrese Maxey just single-handedly scored seven points in less than twenty seconds. Seriously, that really hurt. Thank God the Fucks came through for me and at least prevented an 0-3 day. It’s still tough to think about. The thing that was supposed to be written this morning was supposed to be me being a proud father figure to my stepson. We were supposed to be celebrating the annual early playoff exit of Ebola Embiid. We were supposed to be watching a video loop of Ebola Embiid crying. It was supposed to be a morning filled with joy but now we have to think about Tom Thibodeau and how he makes my blood boil. How he keeps conning these NBA owners into allowing him control over their teams because they look at him and are tricked by the obvious single-mindedness of that dunderhead on winning one game today at the expense of giving his team a better chance to partake in meaningful playoff basketball. We’ll get to it.

Tom Thibodeau is the biggest reason for the Knicks absolutely squandering yesterday. Besides Tyrese Maxey going God-Mode in the last thirty seconds. Hold on, I have to close my eyes because I’m thinking about Tom Thibodeau and it’s making me paralyzed with rage.

What is he a black hole? Why is he one of those people who thinks he’s doing good by others, but is really a profound force of devastation? Why is he here to tear every ligament in the player’s legs who he coaches? Why is everyone turning him into some kind of martyr?

Tom Thibodeou is an obese retard. I have a cousin like him. They both ruin the lives of the people they “love” and what’s worse is that they have no clue about it. Their lack of understanding of what life-sucking forces they are, only augments the level of their detriment.

Tom thinks that he’s giving his team the best chance to win by playing Josh Hart every second of the game. Is that why Josh Hart is blowing the game by splitting free throws? Is that why Josh Hart is blowing the game by overthrowing outlet passes and turning the ball over? Is that why Josh Hart doesn’t have the awareness late in the game to not do one of those misguided rim attacks where he either loses the ball on the way up or just throws up a layup that has very little chance of going in? Is that why Josh Hart commits friendly fire on offensive rebound opportunities and causes the ball to bounce out-of-bounds because neither he nor the teammate whom he is trying to steal rebounds from, can secure an easy offensive rebound?

Josh Hart really screwed that game up, but Tom Thibodeau puts him in a bad spot by playing him way too much.

Has Tom Thibodeau ever successfully challenged a referee’s call? Jesus Christ, Jalen Brunson even tells his cow of an NBA coach that the challenge he’s about to initiate is fucking dumb and that the challenge needs to be saved. That foul on Josh Hart of Maxey was absolutely a foul, and even if it was reversed, what was that going to bring? Probably just Sixers ball, out-of-bounds, instead of Maxey shooting two free throws. That was a dumb challenge the second he made it. Brunson told his cow of a coach not to do it BEFORE he challenged the call. Brunson knew that his coach was about to make a fat, dumb decision and he felt compelled to try and thwart it. My goodness, that was alarming. The broadcast even showed a replay of Brunson telling his cow coach not to be a fucking retard. Jesus Christ.

What else makes Tom Thibodeau an awful person? Besides overplaying his guys, doing dumb challenges as soon as he possibly can, and shredding the ligaments of his players? Oh, I know! How was Josh Hart in a position to take those two free throws at the end of the game? We all know the sorcery of Ty Lue and how Ty is able to maintain a working relationship with Westbroke despite knowing in his bones that Westbroke can not be trusted for a second. Well, Tom Thibodeau does not have that Ty Lue sorcery. Tom is blinded by his love of Josh Hart. Josh should never have been in a position to catch that basketball and get fouled by the Sixers. The Sixers wanted Josh to be the one to shoot those free throws, and the Knicks (and Tom Thibodeau) obliged. It was the least surprising thing in the world that Josh Hart split those free throws. He had played in every second of that game and he’s paying for all those threes he made earlier in the series. Tom Thibodeau has no freaking clue what “regression to the mean” is. Tom is just blinded by how he feels when Josh Hart puts his dick in Tom’s ass. Ugh, I hate Tom Thibodeau.

The offense that the Knicks run is, “Stand around and watch Jalen Brunson”. That’s Cow Coaches fault. God forbid that Cow Coach instill an offense where everyone passes and moves their asses around the court. No, the offense is “Look at Jalen and crash the offensive glass”. That’s really dumb stuff.

Does Tom Thibodeau tell my stepson that it’s the fourth quarter, and the team needs to stop one dude from winning the game with threes? That my stepson needs to step forward towards Maxey when Ebola Embiid sets a ball screen because the Knicks CAN NOT let Maxey shoot uncontested threes? No. Tom Thibodeau didn’t do that. He didn’t make one hundred percent clear how imperative it was that my stepson step up on the Maxey-Ebola pick and rolls. My stepson was playing back, and it allowed some of the many Maxey fourth-quarter threes.

Is there anything else that Tom does that’s bad? Yes! This is a little bit less concrete, but Tom doesn’t instill confidence in every player on his roster. Actually, he shows complete distrust with people who aren’t playing forty minutes a game. Maybe if Tom showed a little more faith in Alec Burks, Tom could play Alec for seven minutes to preserve Josh Hart. Maybe if Alec had some faith from his coach, Alec could come in and keep the season alive by making a shot and not throwing an errant outlet pass. “Confidence” and “trust” are two things that I believe Tom doesn’t give everyone on his roster and that’s a problem.

These people who run NBA teams, look at Tom Thibodeau and feel a mix of “let’s give that guy control because he’s obviously devoted to basketball”, and “Wow, look at his regular season record”. They gloss over what an obese cow Tom is, and they look past the obvious reason for his regular season record. That Tom is the only dude who is willing to play people for forty minutes during the preseason. At the expense of postseason viability. NBA owners feel sorry for Tom because he refuses to do anything during the day besides watch videos of basketball plays. Tom is not a general. He’s not someone who puts chess pieces in positions to win the game. Tom is someone who is eager to capture a pawn even if it means that later, his rook will be captured. Because taking the pawn right now is all that matters to Tom. Tom does not have the mental capacity to think about the bigger picture. Big, ambitious goals like winning a chess game, or advancing in the playoffs are things that are beyond the scope of Tom Thibodeou’s cow brain. Listen, I really want to call him a pig, or a rat. But those two animals are actually smart. There’s a reason that pigs run the Animal Farm. They’re smart animals. Tom is a cow. A fat, dumb ungulate whose only purpose is to get slaughtered for meat.

We can move on from Tom. Oh, and how predictable was it that he used his overtime challenge a minute into overtime? Tom is the worst. Let’s move on. My head hurts.

This was supposed to be a celebration of Miles McBride and my stepson but Tyrese Maxey had to do the impossible. Tyrese has been unstoppable for this whole series. No one on the Knicks can guard him. Like, at all. Tyrese blows by everyone and gets to the rim before my stepson can challenge his layup. Those layups where Tyrese caroms the ball high off the glass and into the net, feel unstoppable. It’s really wild how Isaiah Hartenstein blocked one of those layups to preserve a Knicks victory that the Knicks didn’t deserve.

This needs to be said explicitly. Tyrese made a four-point play (against my stepson), and then made a thirty-five foot three to force overtime. That’s insane. Tyrese is usually the only Sixer who is trying when the season appears to be ending during the second round, and yesterday he turned into Zeus to keep the season alive. I can’t believe it. I’ll never believe it. That shouldn’t have happened.

Miles McBride moves laterally in a way that impresses me, but he’s still getting torched by Maxey. No one on this Earth can guard Tyrese Maxey. Ok, I’ll move on from Tyrese Maxey. Fuck, he’s great!

Miles was ending the Sixers' dreams yesterday! He’s the only Knick besides Brunson who can make shots and dribble the ball. That shot he made at the free-throw line was supposed to be the shot that closed the door! Tyrese Maxey!! FUCK!!

When Maxey pump-fakes against McBride, McBride stays down and sticks with Maxey. Unless there’s a screen from Ebola Embiid. Ebola’s corpse was constantly turning over the basketball and missing shots yesterday, but he was still there to set ball screens for Tyrese Maxey and take Miles McBride off of the Sixers’ salvation. TYRESE MAXEY! How did he do that shit?!?! Fuck!!! He was so tired at the end of that game! There was a shot of him on the court bending over and looking like he was about to vomit every fluid left in his body and then he made that four-point play and then a thirty-five-footer!!!

Miles McBride is an incredible basketball player and it speaks to his confidence that he was able to play himself into minutes when Tom Thibodeou is his coach. Donte DiVincenzo was missing every terrible three that he attempted yesterday and Miles McBride taking his minutes was critical to the Knicks winning. Donte absolutely gets every loose ball on the court, but he needs to make some freaking threes.

Against my advice, my stepson is playing again. That steal that he had of Ebola Embiid that led to the OG fastbreak dunk made me scream “Mitchell” in a way that I’m sure made some people around me consider calling the police. It’s just criminal that my stepson’s efforts yesterday were in vain. He’s been getting offensive rebounds and blocking shots too. The ally-oop that Josh Hart threw him, tore the roof off the building. Even OG Anunoby was screaming when my stepson threw down that ally-oop. OG never screams.

But I’m fair with my stepson. I’ll point out to him during the postgame visit to Popeyes that he lost the game by fouling Maey on the four-point-play and also by not moving up to better contest the Maxey pull-up three when he does pick-and-rolls with Ebola Embiid. Sorry stepson, but there was some blood on your hands with that inexplicable loss.

How did Maxey pull that shit out?!?! Fuck!!!

How is Nick Nurse not making the Sixers run more Maxey-Ebola pick-and-rolls? That play feels unstoppable. It leads to either Maxey layups, Ebola open fifteen-footers, or five Knicks defenders swarming Ebola Embiid at the free-throw line and open Batum (or Tobias Harris!!!) corner threes. The Sixers need to do that more. They probably don’t do it more because Ebola Embiid doesn’t identify as a screen-setting person, but Nick Nurse needs to get that guff out of Ebola’s head.

Listen, Sixers fans and I love shitting on Tobias but yesterday he actually made some corner threes, got a block, and made a midrange shot during the fourth quarter that kept the possibility of winning alive. Tobias wasn’t a retarded horse yesterday.

Why does Nic Batum feel automatic from three? Why is he so comfortable shooting these critical shots?! He’s still kind of shutting down Brunson. I know that Brunson scored a bunch of points but everything Brunson does feels extremely difficult when Batum (or Oubre) is hounding him.

CamPayne is coming into these games and making threes like it’s normal. That shit is wild.

Jalen Brunson was absolutely phenomenal but it’s still tough watching this Knicks offense just stand around and watch him. Brunson was making threes and doing celebrations like they were making a certain Knicks win, but Tyrese Maxey.

There were a couple of Brunson free throws at the end of the game that inspired the broadcast to show his dad on the bench. That was a man whose stomach was feeling all sorts of knots at that moment. My goodness did Rick Brunson want his son to make those free throws.

Tyrese Maxey. WHAT THE FUCK!

CELTICS 🍀 (-14.5) over Heat 🔥

CLIPPERS ⛵ (+3.5) over Mavericks 🐴 (I’m going to try and stay up for this game but if Luka is giving me some nonsense, I will absolutely go to sleep at halftime)

Day 13

Record: 21-17

We made it to the end of the third quarter in Mavs-Clippers game 5. Right when Mason Plumlee tackled Josh Green on a made corner three. Thankfully, we got to perfectly interpret the interview between Allie LaForce and Koach Kidd between the first and second quarters on the muted broadcast. Being able to read lips with one hundred percent accuracy is a talent that is worth developing.

“Koach Kidd, I love your glasses. They make you look so smart… and handsome. I’m married but you can have me whenever you want. Twenty years ago when you were on the Nets, I was fifteen and just thinking about your face would be enough to make me cum.”

“Wow, Allie, thanks. I appreciate it.”

“So… like… the game is close. What are you going to do about it?”

“Wow, Allie, I’ve never been asked a question on live television with as much sexual energy as what you just brought to the camera. Umm, we need to help Daniel Gafford not get pushed around by Ivica Zubac, and we need to help encourage Little Game James and Podcast P to keep shooting the basketball and trying to dribble too much.”

“Yeah, whatever. You’re so hot. Listen, my husband is having a difficult time impregnating me, and all my life, I’ve wanted to have your child. What are you doing later?”

“Umm, Allie, I’m happily married. And we’re still on live television.”

“Some things are more important than a career as a sideline reporter on TNT… lover! That’s what I’m going to call you now. Lover.”

“Listen, Allie, you seem like a nice girl, but I need to get back to my team.”

“Oh, yeah, right. OK. One more thing, I’m totally fine if you come home drunk late at night and start hitting me. I know that’s your jam and I just need you to know that I’m totally fine with that. It’s lowkey sick how much I would actually enjoy you giving me bruises Koach Kidd. I love you.”

“Allie, I need to get back to the bench.”

“Here’s my number. I’ll be by your car after the game.”

That was definitely the best part of game 5. Little Game James reminded all of us (but most of all, my editor and me) about why that’s his nickname. We were banking on that version of him, resurfacing in game 6, but Little Game James was front and center at game 5. Little Game James was preventing Steve Balmer from making me wonder what he looks like when he cums. What a shame. Seeing Steve go red-faced and shake both of his fists in jubilation is probably the best aspect of Clipper crowd shots. Seriously, who are these people who go to Clippers games? It’s definitely not the same kind of people who populate Madison Square Garden during the playoffs. No celebrities in sight, and I was watching the broadcast that showed the dance cams during commercial breaks. It seemed like a crowd that was mostly FOB Asians who had no idea about how déclassé attending Clipper games is. A lot of fat people who work in the government buildings in downtown Los Angeles meander on over to Staples after their nine-to-five ends. It just seemed like a lot of Asians and Hispanics go to Clippers games. Definitely not the same as these KKK Oklahoma City crowds. There weren’t obvious crazy people like the Philadelphia home crowds. Just a bland bunch of folks in attendance at game 5.

In her interview that doubled as her lifelong ambition, Allie LaForce forgot to ask Koach Kidd about that terrible challenge that he made on the Lively charge against Little Game James. That’s becoming a thing that’s bothering me. Stupid challenges from coaches that happen in the first quarter. Tom Thibodeau is, of course, the patron saint of that practice and I guess Koach Kidd is his apprentice in that act of retardation. That was an obvious charge on Lively and I think Koach Kidd just challenged it because he thinks that defenders have to fall down to make charges correct. Nope, sorry Koach Kidd. That’s actually not explicitly stated in the rule book. Wearing those black-rimmed glasses doesn’t make every thought that comes into your brain, correct. Reptile Marc may buy your bullshit, but the NBA has dipshit refs who memorize the rulebook, and you can’t fool them in such an obvious way like that. The dipshit refs can remember rule explanations and apply them in real time. Just don’t ask them to help the watchability of the game or call technical fouls on “stars” when they deserve them. Don’t ask the dipshit refs to have a dick.

There weren’t any video reviews in the first quarter! Holy fuck! That’s amazing, and we all need to give thanks to Black Baby Jesus for that miracle. Actually, there might not have been any video reviews during the whole first half. That’s incredible, and it’s surely not going to be the case when I watch the game of the day later this evening (no spoilers!).

Have I been saying that Zubac is unguardable against the Mavericks?! Hopefully, I have, because Zubac was some form of Shaquille O’Neal yesterday. The only problem was that Ty Lue didn’t get Little Game James and Podcast P to GIVE ZUBAC THE BALL. Goddamn, it was so obvious that Zubac can’t be stopped when the opponent has Gafford, Lively, and Kleber (more on him momentarily) as their large players. The Clippers just didn’t have the patience to keep feeding Zubac. Gross stuff. The Clippers had a size mismatch that Zubac could exploit for points, but the Clippers just refused to pass Zubac the ball. I mean, sometimes they did, but Zubac needed the ball more. What a shame. How is every close shot that Zubac attempts, so automatic?! Zubac is really good! Shout out to the Lakers for not holding on to Zubac… and Alex Caruso… and Our Favorite Black Realtor. Who did they jettison those good players for? Oh yeah, WESTBROKE. LMAO. Westbroke is so disgusting. How did that nigga win an MVP?! His incompetence jumps off the screen and submits you with a rear naked choke. The kind of submission that Allie LaForce wants Koach Kidd to submit her with.

Jesus Christ, it’s awful watching the Mavs defense just abandon Westbroke to double Little Game James. There was a neat little box that was displayed during the broadcast that showed Westbroke’s awful stats and his awesome “net rating”. Lol, Westbroke destroys hopes and dreams during the real season and Steve Balmer needs to take a minute to get off the quaaludes to tell Ty Lue and Lawrence Frank that Westbroke needs to be released. At one point, Westbroke was two for eleven from the field. All those misses are backbreaking because the Mavs dare him to shoot. That’s a big problem for the Clippers because Westbroke always thinks that he’s Ray Allen. Just awful stuff. And I haven’t even brought up the worst part about Westbroke. You might hear professional basketball people mention that Westbroke isn’t a good defender, but you might not hear them clearly detail how Westbroke can lose you a game by not playing acceptable defense. Here’s the dirty on Westbroke’s “defense”. Westbroke was “guarding” Maxi Kleber and that’s a big fucking problem because the second-best basketball player from Wurzburg, Germany is capable of splashing open catch-and-shoot threes. Westbroke’s specialty on defense is leaving the person he’s supposed to be guarding to double-team the ball. It doesn’t matter that the person Westbroke is supposed to guard is a good shooter. It doesn’t even matter if the person Westbroke is guarding has made four fucking threes in the quarter. Westbroke is a retard and he can not learn things. Westbroke is incapable of comprehension. It’s not his fault. You can’t yell at a retard for throwing his or her wet mess at the special ed teacher. You get upset with the special ed teacher for letting the retard have full control of their arms. You blame the special ed teacher for not tying the retards arms together with rope during class time. Outside of scheduled schooling, retards are free to throw their feces, but during teaching hours, those students need to be hog-tied. Same with Westbroke. Ty Lue did a bad job of gluing Westbroke to the bench. Westbroke was on the floor, and that was tanking the Clippers' season. I believe Kleber made five threes during the entire game, but I think four of those happened during the first half when Westbroke refused to stay close to him. Gross stuff. You don’t double-team Lord Luka. Lord Luka never loses the ball while dribbling. Unlike Little Game James and Podcast P. Those imbeciles are constantly dribbling off their legs or exposing the ball for steals. Not Lord Luka. That’s a man who doesn’t lose possession of the basketball.

So yeah, Westbroke was tanking the season on both sides of the floor. There was an inexplicable double-team that he did that caused Little Game James to raise both of his arms in exasperation. I’m not sure if it led to one of Kleber’s five threes. What I remember is that I was thinking, “Holy fuck, Westbroke really decided to double the ball in that situation?! That’s retarded. He needs to be outside of the NBA next year”.

Westbroke was the obvious scapegoat for that game, but don’t forget about Podcast P. That dude came out flaccid and despite taking a blue pill at halftime, stayed that way in the second half. It was alarming watching how slowly Podcast P was moving in that first quarter. God bless you if you were able to notice Podcast P moving a Maverick away from the basket to secure a defensive rebound because I just saw Podcast P stand meekly while Mavs stepped around him to get offensive rebounds and tip-outs. Podcast P’s lack of effort during rebounding situations was a major problem. Again, I hope that Steve Balmer takes a break from the quaaludes to understand that. Derrick Jones Jr played with more force and tenacity than Podcast P. Derrick Jones Jr isn’t trying to start a boring audio business. Derrick Jones Jr dunked all over Stormin’ Norman. You don’t see Podcast P dunking in any situation.

Stormin’ Norman is one of the only Clippers who moves with speed and power on offense. He’s still really good and his free throws swish through the net in a way that I appreciate. Stormin’ Norman also has a pristine jump shot. He’s good! Before I quit watching that game, I think Ty Lue was playing a Clipper lineup that was composed of Westbroke, PJ Tucker, Mason Plumlee, Stormin’ Norman, and Podcast P. Stormin’ Norman is a good player but he can’t hold up that muck that Ty Lue shackled him with.

PJ Tucker played before the fourth quarter and I was seriously tempted to pull the plug on the game when I saw his fat ass on the court. He can complain about not playing enough, but that dude needs to be thankful that he has a guaranteed contract for next year. There probably isn’t a player who I am more excited to read about filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy than PJ Tucker. That delicious fantasy includes several failed restaurants, a bunch of money-pit shoe stores, and, of course, the standard excessive bling expenditures. God I can’t wait to read about that.

PJ was in the game because Amir Coffey was missing threes in a way that makes you not trust lefties. You, and Ty Lue, both.

So the Clips were keeping this game only slightly respectable because of Zubac, Stormin’ Norman, and Terance Mann. When Terance Mann is dribbling the basketball, he becomes a much more effective offensive player. Has anyone told him that? His shot is trustworthy but sometimes he acts like he’s not allowed to do a single dribble.

Screw the Clippers. It’s dumb that they needed to build a whole new arena for this stupid professional basketball organization. It’s going to be sad watching them for the next five years.

Lord Luka has been missing most of his threes, so major plaudits to him for only taking eight threes yesterday. It doesn’t seem plausible, but Black Baby Jesus needs to give Lord Luka his health. It hurts my soul to see Lord Luka with that knee brace under his leg sleeve.

How did the Mavs dismantle the Clippers when Kyrie wasn’t channeling the Navajo-Comanche Spirit and making every transition three he attempted? Kleber (as I’ve already detailed), Derrick Jones JR playing like a gorilla (three blocks!!!), and Lord Luka not missing two-point shot attempts.

Shout out to Little Game James for missing eighty percent of his shot attempts. That’s the Little Game James who we know and love.

Fucks 🦌 (+8.5) over PACERS 🏎️

Knicks 👖 (+3.5) over SIXERS 🔔 (I’m watching this game)

Day 14

Record: 22-18

My goodness, it was a kick in the balls to see the Pacers-Fucks box score and discover that I lost a pick because of Obi Toppin and TJ McConnell. Why did Damian Lillard have to come back on the court and be worse than TJ McConnell? Let’s blame Doc Rivers for pushing too hard for Damian Lillard to come back. The Fucks are better with PatBev running the show and that Andre Jackson dude playing. You know, this guy. Anyways, the Fucks had to play Damian Lillard and embarrass themselves so I had a bad loss coming into this Knicks game.

What is the food that these Knicks-Sixers games are similar to? Something that isn’t serious. Not a food that you incorporate into your diet if you're trying to get serious abs. Also not something that is decadent. There’s not enough artistry on offense in this series for it to be categorized as ice cream cake, and there isn’t enough basketball talent on the floor for the series to be chicken breast (or zero-sugar Greek yogurt). This series is something that you enjoy, but at the same time, you know that these teams have zero chance of winning a championship. They don’t even come close to deserving to be in the conference finals, but the Leastern Conference is so bereft that Jalen Brunson really might carry six of his pals to the third round of the playoffs. Wow.

The food that this series embodies is probably hot dogs. Costco hot dogs with all the fixings. Something that you enjoy at the moment but not something that you plan your day around eating or look back at and reminisce about the memory of eating. Just something that tastes good and quells your appetite. Maybe even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. This series was a kid’s food staple, and I’m ready for a properly charred filet.

At the beginning of this game, the Knicks were playing offense like a proper bunch of professionals. Passing the ball like they enjoyed the act of passing, and also genuinely liked each other. Yes, I know that these Knickerbockers are friends off the court, but they usually don’t play like it. The “Stand And Watch Jalen” offense is not an offense that five friends would practice at a pick-up run. It was almost like Tom Thibodeau let Rick Brunson talk to the team and convince them that they need to pass the ball and move their asses as a collective unit on offense. In the first quarter, the Knicks looked like a determined team. When you looked in the eyes of the Knicks players during that orgasmic first quarter, you saw “killer”. That first quarter was jarring to watch. Donte DiVincenzo was taking and making threes like they were going to murk Ebola Embiid and each of his family members with each make. My goodness, Donte DiVincenzo was incredible yesterday. He absolutely blocked the fuck out of Ebola Embiid. There was a jump ball that didn’t end with Donte grabbing the tipped ball and racing out for a layup, but there were plenty of Donte made threes and even a dunk. At the end of the game with the Knicks having a free-throw competition with the Sixers, Josh Hart managed to get rid of the goddamn basketball and let someone else shoot the game-deciding free throws. Goddamn, I was so happy that Josh Hart wasn’t going to be the one to have a free-throw shooting competition with Tyrese Maxey. Donte caught that desperate Josh Hart pass and made the free throws without a shadow of a doubt at their outcome. We trust Donte DiVincenzo to shoot the free throws that decide the outcome of playoff games. We do not trust Josh Hart. Not in the slightest. We actually don’t trust the majority of this Knicks team to shoot free throws. TNT showed a neat little box on the broadcast illustrating with data how the Knicks shot sixty percent at the free throw line, and the Sixers missed on free throw as a team. So, yeah, these quacks in New York City are an unserious bunch. Let’s blame Tom Thibodeau for the Knicks inability to shoot free-throws.

Has Tom Thibodeau ever read The Call Of The Wild? Lmao, of course not. Tom hasn’t read a book in thirty years. The Call Of The Wild wasn’t one of the administered reading books that was assigned to Tom in Connecticut. Tom Thibodeau wasn’t taught the lesson of overtaxing your sled dogs through the Klondike. Maybe if he had read that Jack London masterpiece as a ten-year-old like some people did, Tom wouldn’t be tanking his team’s free-throw percentage because all his players are a blink away from death. We hate Tom Thibodeau.

Jalen Brunson missed two free throws back-to-back during the middle part of this game but he absolutely dominated the fourth quarter of this game in a way that Kobe Bryant has never dominated a playoff game. Those Grinch Kobes that Jalen wears should be henceforth called “The Jalens”. Vanessa should take a break from her crocodile tears and her act as a distraught widow to bequeath those specific Kobe shoes to Jalen Brunson. Jalen should get a lifetime supply of them, as well as the current inventory of those shoes that have and will be made (in China). It was absolutely nuts watching a little man like Jalen Brunson silence an opposing crowd and eviscerate the hopes and dreams of a team composed of large men like the Sixers. The days of Jalen Brunson throwing his hot mess into my throat are long forgotten. Jalen Brunson saved my bacon yesterday, and for that, I will never refer to The Jalens by any other name.

Josh Hart not only passed the ball so that Donte could take the game-deciding free throws instead of him, but he also made the go-ahead three after Jalen Brunson passed him the ball off a double-team. Great job by Josh Hart to fake that pass because he’s a much better shooter when he’s thinking less. That pass-fake got him to shoot with comfort.

At the beginning of the game, Josh played like a man who was willing to die on the court. I guess, he played the whole game like that, but the first quarter was when I felt most strongly that Josh was willing to die for New York City. There also appeared to be fewer instances of Josh body-slamming his teammates to steal rebounds or cause certain rebounds to piddle out-of-bounds. Thanks, Josh.

When Josh Hart was limping off the floor at halftime, I was saying “good riddance” because sometimes he just misses shots and turns the ball over, but Josh acquitted himself quite nicely with the go-ahead three. Mr. Hart also reminded Isaiah Hartenstein not to foul Ebola Embiid during a fourth-quarter timeout. Mr. Hart and I both tell Isaiah not to foul Ebola Embiid out on the perimeter and yesterday, he didn’t do that.

Ebola Embiid absolutely made me feel sick to my stomach with that (well-deserved) march to the free-throw line during the middle quarters of this game. Thank Black Baby Jesus that the refs didn’t give Ebola Embiid every goddamn call in the fourth quarter. When Ebola Embiid was waving his arms to the Philly crowd to encourage them to scream and waive their blue rally towels, your boy was “down bad in the trenches”. But then the fourth quarter happened, Ebola Embiid did absolute dick, and Jalen Brunson had a playoff fourth quarter that Kobe Bryant never had. What a time to be alive.

Oh yeah, and OG Anunoby dunked ALL OVER Ebola Embiid for an and1. Now, OG missed the free throw because, as I’ve already stated, this Knicks team is not a serious basketball team and they miss free throws like a John Calipari NCAA Team, but my goodness that dunk was nasty. Who dunks on Ebola Embiid like that?! I certainly can’t think of a single time in the history of the world that Ebola Embiid got yammed on like that.

Side note: in yesterday’s NBA Top Plays video countdown, Derrick Jones Jr’s dunk on Stormin’ Norman wasn’t included in the list even though it was clearly the best dunk of the day. Shame on whoever decides the plays for those videos. It can not go unmentioned what a miscarriage of justice that was.

TNT had a great time showing neat little boxes that tallied the total points from the bench by the Knicks and Sixers. There was a large discrepancy in those two numbers because the Sixers bring Nic Batum, CamPayne (lmao), and Buddy Fucking Hield off their bench. The Knicks have Miles McBride and my stepson.

How did we get to a place where I am petrified every time Batum shoots a three?! He’s been getting blocks too! It just makes you shake your head and say to yourself, “What the fuck”. Nic Batum has been incredible this whole series and it’s flabbergasting.

Buddy Hield started that game by not cleanly catching passes, turning the ball over, and pump-faking when he didn’t need to. He then proceeded to make me sick to my stomach as someone who needed the Knicks to cover. Goddamn, he was a flamethrower in the second quarter. When he made all those threes, it felt beyond hopeless for the Knicks. Points were just too easy for the Sixers to procure, and the Knicks might have made three shots during that dog-vomit second quarter. Oh well. Nick Nurse was too busy throwing temper tantrums in the second half to unglue Buddy Hield from the bench. Even the Sixers’ owner throws fits at the referee decisions while he’s sitting courtside. Literally everyone on the Sixers can not handle their adrenaline when game contests commence. Shameful stuff.

The first Knick to score off the bench was actually my stepson when Jalen Brunson finally passed the ball to the screener on a pick-and-roll. Jalen is not someone who enjoys passing the ball during pick-and-rolls for easy dunks. Oh well. Jalen Brunson can do whatever he wants as far as we’re concerned.

What I really love about my stepson is that it seems like he’s trying to puncture the basketball when he grabs it out of the air. My stepson has strong hands.

Tierra Whack goes to these Sixer games?! Wow! “Gloria” was a great song and for that, we will always hold Tierra Whack in high esteem.

Jared Greenburg is the name of that gerbil who does the sideline reporting for TNT when it’s not Allie LaForce. Jared wasn’t always that fat and hideous. Before the CoCo, Jared was a healthy weight, but like many people, Jared used the CoCo as an impetus to live life how he really wanted to live it, which in his case meant donuts and ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We never forget how people acted during the peak of CoCo. Not Monty Williams for being the most “mask-obedient” coach in the NBA. Not David Tepper for being quoted in MarketWatch as proclaiming that we needed more ventilators. Not Reptile Marc for barring people from watching his basketball team live while he sat front row with his black N95. Not Ebola Embiid for walking into The Bubble with a legitimate Hazardous Materials Suit. We were looking around to see how other people were moving during that time, and we remember.

MAGIC 🧞 (-3.5) over Cavs 🤺

MAVS 🐴 (-7.5) over Clippers ⛵ (MHP. I’ve picked Little Game James to cover game 6s in the past and I can’t do that anymore. Yes, I’m watching this game.)

Day 15

Record: 24-18

We couldn’t watch the Mavs game after halftime and we’re not in the business of making these after witnessing only one half of a game. Luckily, we were able to catch the end of the Magic-Cavs show and got to witness that Orlando crowd. Orlando and Minnesota feel like the most bumpin’ crowds in these playoffs. Those two fanbases smell blood, get loud, and move around a lot. Not a single patron sitting courtside in Orlando yesterday was sitting down. Incredible. There was not a seated fan in that whole arena at the end of game 6. And there was even a fat white guy wearing shorts while he sat courtside. Only in Flo Rida!

Wow was it jaw-dropping to see Sam make an eight-second backcourt violation during crunchtime of the playoffs. He must want Frodo to leave.

What we will share about the Mavs-Clippers game is the sighting of Kelsey Plum in a commercial! Maybe it’s the local broadcasts that have been withholding Kelsey Plum commercials from yours truly, but it was exciting to get reacquainted with Kelsey. Do you know what company had Kelsey promoting their products? Legal Zoom! Lmao, they probably gave her free support for her divorce filing. It’s nuts that she’s in a Legal Zoom commercial after divorcing Darren Waller because they had different ideas about the openness of their marriage. In that commercial, you see the Antetokounmpo brothers doing some casual woodwork while an obvious baddie walks into the room. You’re like, “Wow, that chick is obviously hot.” Then her face is shown and you’re like, “Holy fuck, that’s Kelsey Plum. I wonder what company this commercial is for. Oh, wait, it’s Legal Zoom? That shit is hilarious.” So major plaudits to Kelsey Plum. Both for being the heir to Skylar Diggins’ throne as the one hot WNBAer, and also for being in a Legal Zoom commercial after she files for divorce from her husband.

Listen, we can all loathe Little Game James for dishonoring Los Angeles, the basketball capital of the world, but Little Game James has made some neat shoes with Adidas. His first shoes were undeniably good, and the shoes that Little Game James is wearing now are cool! Sorry, not sorry.

NUGGETS ⛏️ (-4.5) over Timberwolves 🐺(I’m watching this game. Duh.)

Day 16

Record: 24-19

🎶Where they hood at, twin? Let’s go flame it up

Niggas lyin’ bout the score, they need to hang it up

You gon’ get your Glock took tryna hang with us

I grew up on the Eastside where it’s dangerous 🎶

Twenty-one! Only the dulcet tones of Metro Boomin playing on a hot and humid night could relieve the consternation that flooded my body after seeing that bloodbath. Anthony Edwards is painting Limp Dick red. Limp Dick, and Lord Voldemort both. Jesus Christ, that really hurt my soul to witness. Not as much as watching the Timberwolves physically outmatch the Suns when I was picking the Suns to cover, but that really ripped apart my brain watching the Wolves dominate the Nuggets like that. The stuff that the Nuggets were giving us yesterday was some real weak ish. As someone who did not watch one second of that Lakers series, it was a jaw-dropping level of impotence by the Nuggets. You know, the team with Lord Voldemort. Wow that was just pathetic to watch. We’re done picking against the Timberwolves.

From the moment this game started, Anthony Edwards went absolutely berserk on Limp Dick. This might be surprising to you, but Limp Dick is injured. Just kidding. Of course it’s not surprising. Limp Dick is usually injured. It’s what wasted a season of Lord Voldemort’s prime because Facundo Campazzo was on the roster since everyone else on the Nuggets was injured.

Last year was last year, and I’m double-crossing Limp Dick with my promise to not think about trading him since he made that one impossible layup over Frida Kahlo in the conference finals last year. Trae Young can get scored on every time he’s targeted on defense just like Limp Dick, but Trae Young can cause his team to score. Yes, even when Lord Voldemort isn’t on the court. Limp Dick’s clout in professional basketball is one of the biggest frauds going in the game right now. Lord Voldemort made that dude. Without Lord Voldemort, Limp Dick would just be some sixth man of the year candidate. He would be a slower, bigger Malik Monk.

Goddamn, that game was over the second it started! The Timberwolves (Anthony Edwards) immediately targeted Limp Dick on defense and it resulted in points every time for the Timberwolves (Anthony Edwards). Then when Limp Dick gathered possession of the basketball, he could barely dribble because Anthony Edwards was guarding him. Was Anthony Edwards guarding Limp Dick, or was Anthony Edwards drowning him? Limp Dick could barely dribble when Edwards was guarding him. When Limp Dick finally struggled free, his shots were too difficult. In case you missed it, Limp Dick didn’t score in the first half. Even with the broadcast on mute, we couldn’t miss the neat little boxes that illustrated the pathetic results of Limp Dick in the first half.

There’s a graphic that’s pushed by the Nuggets during intermissions with a slogan, “Murray Time is Miller Time”. Please. Give me a break. Limp Dick was a travesty of a basketball player during game one. But he’s injured, so we have to pardon him. We have to act like it’s a big fucking deal that he sets screens for Lord Voldemort. Fuck you, Limp Dick. The Nuggets would be so much better with my son, or even Trae Young instead of your flaccid ass.

When Limp Dick went to the bench and REGGIE JACKSON took his spot, the Nuggets immediately turned around the game. You felt it in the moment. Even if you didn’t feel it the second that Limp Dick went to the bench, TNT did an adequate job of showing that the Nuggets went on a ~20-5 scoring run “during the last four minutes”. TNT was careful not to say, “during the time that Limp Dick sat his ass on the bench”. Reggie Jackson! Much maligned Reggie Jackson! That’s the dude who replaced Limp Dick and made the Nuggets a functioning NBA team! That’s freaking nuts!

So that was a big freaking red flag. The fact that Limp Dick tanked the Nuggets offense, and was blatantly targeted by the Timberwolves (Anthony Edwards). Did the Porter family adopt Limp Dick? Is Limp Dick throwing games now? Just kidding. We know that’s Limp Dick wants to win. It’s just that he’s injured and he’s an anchor on this Nuggets team. Did Reggie Miller and Jamal Crawford mention that in their “color commentary”? That Limp Dick is an insurmountable problem for the Nuggets? Do I need to write a letter to Stan Kroenke imploring him to trade Limp Dick for Trae Young (or my son)?

“Hey Stan, you’re great with the whole ‘let a Down Syndrome Person throw t-shirts to the crowd thing’, but please trade Limp Dick. He’s made Lord Voldemort have to play a postseason with Facundo Campazzo, and he’s only been healthy for one playoff run during Lord Voldemort’s rein. Please have the balls to trade Limp Dick. I know he’s a really nice Canadian, and all the other players like him, but you’re doing a disservice to Lord Voldemort and the people of Colorado by staying married to this idea of Limp Dick being a player who takes up as much of the team salary cap as he does. Off the top of my head, here are some players who Limp Dick should be traded for yesterday: My Son, Trae Young, OG Anunoby, Pascal Siakam, LeBron James, DeMar DeRozan, Bruce Brown, Franz Wagner, Miles Bridges, Mikal Bridges, Our Congolese Prince with every other young Warrior, and Terminator. Please do it Stan. Do it for Lord Voldemort. Didn’t Trae Young play AAU basketball with Boy Toy? They’d be friends! See, there are good players who can also help the team win. Limp Dick can’t be on the squad just because he’s Canadian. You have a duty to your fans to win games because you employ Lord Voldemort. Please, Stan. See reason.”

Not only did Limp Dick miss every shot he took in the first half, get scored on every time by the Timberwolves who targeted him on defense, and be completely incapable of dribbling the ball without getting it stolen by Anthony Edwards, but Limp Dick was also getting abused during rebounding opportunities. He’s injured though. We have to just admire him for playing. Jesus Christ, Limp Dick was standing around the rim like he was going to get a goddamn defensive rebound, but nope. Actually, Limp Dick was going to get thrown out of the way like an eight-year-old because one of the big, bad Wolves wanted a second chance to score the basketball. Just abhorrent stuff from Limp Dick yesterday.

Even the TNT broadcast team started showing Limp Dick closeups while he was sitting on the bench. The people running the network were like, “That nigga. Show him. He’s a child amongst boys on this court. Lmao, you know how that little boy went to the bench and the whole arena’s energy took a complete 180 because the Nuggets started playing respectably? Well, let’s show the guy who caused that change by leaving the game. Let’s get more closeups of the guy who is going to be the reason the Nuggets get swept even though they have Lord Voldemort.”

Coach Michael Malone even slashed Limp Dick’s minutes during the game. Surely, Coach Michael Malone will wax poetic after these games about how Limp Dick is really “gutting out an injury that most people would not play with”. WHATEVER. He’s ruining the Nuggets and it’s freaking obvious. It hurts. I can’t believe I promised not to think about trading his bitch-ass. Limp Dick needs to stop ruining Lord Voldemort and the Nuggets. Limp Dick was never an adequate death eater, but since Limp Dick was drafted seventh, the Nuggets will be mentally tethered to this fictional idea of him being some kind of worthwhile player. This is some repugnant stuff that Limp Dick is doing and it hurts thinking about it. Thinking about Limp Dick put his back to the basket when he’s thirty-five feet away from the rim because Anthony Edwards is going to steal possession of the basketball if Limp Dick tries to dribble like a normal player, is just soul-crushing.

At halftime, I couldn’t move because I was so disgusted with how Limp Dick was playing. So I got to lip-read what Dirk Nowitzki was saying since Shaq is occupied with other stuff evidently. Dirk was looking at the stat sheet on the desk in front of him and saying, “Yeah, Limp Dick sucks. He needs to not let down Lord Voldemort. Who does he think he is? Draco Malfoy?! Fuck. Nigga needs to get this shit crackin’.”

A fair and honest assessment from Wurzburg’s crown jewel of basketball talent. Heil, Dirk.

Do you know when it was really cemented every Nuggets’ coaches pee-brain that Limp Dick needs to play less? When Limp Dick tried that impotent no-look layup. Limpy made that, but right now, he’s so petrified of French Rejection (and Anthony Edwards), that Limp Dick can’t even look at the basket when he tries to do a layup! This is just sad!

The second that the third quarter started and the Timberwolves saw that Limp Dick was back on the court, they targeted him on defense. According to my memory, the Timberwolves missed three shot ATTEMPTS during the third quarter, and it didn’t get much worse for them in the fourth. Every shot that was attempted with Limp Dick being the defender was nothing but net. Disgusting.

Plaudits to the Timberwolves coaches for not letting their players forget that Limp Dick needed to be ruthlessly hunted. Goddamn, I hate Limp Dick. Have I spent enough words on the pitiful effort that he gave in game 1? Maybe, but for my mental health, I’m moving on.

How litty would it be for the mayor of Denver to bang that drum while wearing a jersey without a shirt underneath? Pretty litty. Only in Flo Rida would something like that happen. A public official making an appearance in a sleeveless outfit.

Anthony Edwards was mentioned previously for his ability to prevent Limp Dick from dribbling like a normal basketball player and for refusing to miss a shot with Limp Dick guarding him. Anthony Edwards was jarringly devastating. Our Favorite Black Realtor looked like a JV player guarding the starting varsity star while he was trying to guard Anthony Edwards. It’s really wild because Anthony Edwards isn’t obviously taller than everyone else. His muscles are much bigger, and his arm length deosn’t make sense. Anthony Edwards makes all of these Nuggets’ defenders look like twelve-year-old boys playing basketball against thirty-five-year-old dad. It’s disconcerting stuff. Anthony Edwards is simultaneously taking the ball from every Nuggets player who tries to dribble, and also absolutely unbothered taking any shot he wants because he can brush his massive shoulders against every Nugget and all of a sudden, Edwards has all the space that he wants for an uncontested shot. An uncontested shot that he didn’t stop making yesterday. Not good if you’re the Nuggets! Actually, it’s a big fucking problem!

It’s wild watching every Nugget play scared on offense. Every player on that team is scared to take the basketball to the rim. Even Christian Brawny. We love Christian Brawny because he’s a soldier, but against Edwards, Christian Brawny is scared to attack the rim with violent intentions. Wild stuff. This was not something that I was prepared to watch.

Sometimes Boy Toy tries to dribble around French Rejection and that is just like everything else that the Nuggets did in game 1. Hard to watch. Pathetic. Poorly thought-out.

Peyton Watson airballed a corner three. That happened. What also happened was that fourth quarter from Naz Reid! Here were three consecutive Timberwolves possessions with less than six minutes remaining in the fourth quarter: Naz Reid bank three, Naz Reid putback slam that needs to the the top play of the game, Naz Reid and1. Later, Naz made another three. Naz Reid was so undeniable during that fourth quarter that Karl Towns sat on the bench despite making fifty-five million dollars a year to be a Timberwolf.

The whole Timberwolves team turned into Godzilla during the second half. Refusing to miss shots and making the Nuggets look scared to score against them. There were a lot of desperate threes that the Nuggets made (mostly from Boy Toy) to keep that game close, but that was a game that felt dominated by the Timberwolves. Dribbling is just too difficult for the Nuggets against the Timberwolves. This is just nuts! How are the Timberwolves this amazing?!?

There were other Timberwolves who played besides Anthony Edwards and Naz Reid. It was about those two though.

There was an offensive possession that ended with a desperate banked-in shot from French Rejection because the ball ended up in his hands with the shot clock expiring. Surely there will be people who say that the Timberwolves made an unsustainable amount of shots in game 1. Whatever. This Timberwolves team is healthy, and they physically outmatched the Nuggets in a way that makes my head hurt twelve hours after the game ended. Maybe I need to be done picking against the Timberwolves. That’s no one’s idea of a good betting strategy. Blindly riding with one team. But it might need to be my strategy because watching these games where the Timberwolves go Godzilla on their opponents when I pick the opponent, really hurts my brain and I just want it to not happen again.

CAVS 🤺 (-3.5) over Magic 🧞

Day 17

Record: 25-19

KNICKS 👖 (-6.5) over Pacers 🏎️

Timberwolves 🐺 (+5.5) over NUGGETS ⛏️ (Of course I’m watching this game. Even if it ends at 1 am)

Day 18

Record: 26-20

Wow. Just, wow. When the characters that my fingers type make prescient observations, that feels nice. We were all over how Limp Dick was an insurmountable problem after game 1, and in game 2, he was worse! Just incredible. Thanks, brain.

Over at Wrongbomb, we don’t usually look at the video box score of games that we watch but this morning, we had to watch the Timberwolves blocks and steals. There were a lot of them. It’s what big, fancy people who wear impressive suits and invest in “money markets” would call Indicators. The volume of blocks and steals that the Timberwolves are getting against the Nuggets is an Indicator of how difficult it is for everyone on the Nuggets to dribble and pass. Was that something that we rang the alarm on after game 1? Yes, yes it was.

Did we go against the Nuggets in a game 2 that historically favors the home team coming off of a loss and win that pick without a second of doubt? Yes. Yes, we did. My goodness, that was insane to watch. Staying up until 1 am to watch this series won’t be a problem if the Timberwolves keep covering every game by thirty points.

Yesterday, the Nuggets really changed things up and responded like a team that won a championship… just kidding! Of course, they didn’t! That game was over in five minutes just like game 1! We’ve thought about Limp Dick enough already but his stats encapsulated what he did in game 2. Miss fifteen shots and turn the ball over. Since we watch all of Naz Reid’s, NAW’s, and Karl Towns’ blocks, we know that the majority of them were on Limp Dick. With the remainder being on Lord Voldemort. Limp Dick can’t dribble without getting the ball taken from him and that blocked three-point attempt that Naz Reid had of his was hilarious. That’s a block from a defender who is much bigger and more athletic than you. Naz was so nonchalant about blocking that three-pointer by Limp Dick. Next year when there’s a television conversation about how Limp Dick has been snubbed of an All-Star selection, ESPN needs to play that Naz Reid block. Jesus, that was bad. Remember when Limp Dick was doing finger guns on Karl Towns after hitting a four-point play? Yeah, that moment won’t age well. Like last year when Tin Man was flexing against the Heat when he thought that the Celtics would come back from down 0-3.

Watching Lord Voldemort and thinking that you can read his thoughts by how he behaves on the court, is a fool’s errand but I picked the Knicks to cover as a favorite, so I have no issues with being a fool. Lord Voldemort looked like he knew that the season was over before the first quarter ended. He seemed to look around and understand that the battle at Hogwarts was over. That Limp Dick wasn’t going to save the day. That Nagini was going to get murked by Neville Fucking Longbottom. That Boy Toy was never someone who was going to save a sinking ship, and his team is on board the Titanic right now.

When I’m done writing this, I’m going to read something expressing consternation about the refs deciding to turn fouls off in that first half. Actually, that officiating was kind of nice. It was something that I enjoyed. Light years better than the free-throw marches that the Sixers-Knicks games devolved into. It’s wild how Coach Michael Malone wasn’t called for a technical for running at Marc Davis after he didn’t call an and1 for Anthony Edwards. SPEAKING OF ANTHONY EDWARDS! He has a nickname now! We never thought that we would live to see the day that this nickname would be bestowed upon someone. At Wrongbomb HQ, we always suspected that a certain Frenchman who has yet to play in the real season would be given this nickname if anyone were to hold this sacred nickname at all. But here we are. In a world where the Timberwolves are covering a game 2 spread on the road against the defending champion by thirty points. My editor was able to guess what Anthony Edwards’ nickname is. He (or she) had to be given a slight nudge in the right direction but he (or she) got there after one misguided guess. Anthony “Harry Potter” Edwards. The boy who lived! The boy who finally overcame the hurdle of growing up in America to be one of the best basketballers in the world! My goodness! There’s been some personal skepticism about the prophetic Harry Potter, and I need to atone for that. Harry Potter is the boy who was promised. The prophecy is legitimate. Harry Potter is indeed, the one who holds the power to vanquish The Dark Lord. I never thought that I’d see the day! This is just insane stuff that we’re seeing from Harry Potter.

Harry Potter runs around Nuggets defenders while dribbling the ball in a way that doesn’t make sense. Every time that the Wolves transition from defense to offense and Harry Potter has the ball, it doesn’t matter where the Nuggets' defenders are, Harry Potter dribbles by them and gets easy layups. It’s befuddling to witness. Our Favorite Black Realtor is never in the correct position to guard Harry Potter. It’s just an impossibility for Our Favorite Black Realtor to guard Harry Potter because he’s significantly slower, smaller, and weaker. Triple whammy. During the fourth quarter, Harry Potter was being guarded by Our Favorite Black Realtor without any help, and those and1s that Harry got were the most predictable things that happened during the game.

Whenever Nagini tries to guard Harry Potter, Harry tries to make a highlight for his and1 mixtape. Harry Potter relishes every opportunity to fracture both of Nagini’s ankles. When two Nuggets guard Harry, he just does a fadeaway midrange shot that no Nugget can reach. Those shots are hitting nothing but net. Harry Potter possesses a power that The Dark Lord knows nothing of. After fourth quarter swishes, Harry Potter is starting to break out Jordan Shrugs. This stuff is just wild. When halftime came, I was so flummoxed at the impotence of the Nuggets, that I had to wash the bottom of my feet. The world was upside down and in that moment of tremendous uncertainty, my feet needed to be clean.

So, in addition to being obviously unguardable, Harry Potter is passing the ball and empowering his teammates to overthrow Lord Voldemort in a way that jumps off the screen. This is the Minnesota Timberwolves we are talking about! That’s Karl Towns who is outplaying Lord Voldemort! Harry Potter!!! The boy who lived!!! Jesus Fucking Christ, what is happening!!!

Seriously, French Rejection couldn’t play and that kind of made me nervous, but Karl Towns started that game like someone who had a right to think that he was BETTER than The Dark Lord. Just insane stuff. Karl was making threes and strapping Limp Dick on his back during jaunts to the rim. It was funny how Limp Dick crumpled to the ground while trying to guard Karl Towns. Limp Dick was surprised the refs didn’t bail him out on that play. The refs didn’t bail anyone out during that first half. Again, the officiating was kind of enjoyable in my opinion. Light years ahead of the mess that the end of the Knicks-Pacers game was. I hate to admit it, but Marc Davis did a good job in that game.

Is Karl Towns the best free-throw shooter on the Timberwolves? Mike Conley shot the technical that came from Nagini, but Karl Towns should be the Timberwolves' technical free-throw shooter. Oh, and Karl Towns blocked Lord Voldemort mere seconds after blocking Limp Dick. What world are we living in?

No one in the world likes to point out that Karl Towns’ mom died of the CoCo more than me, and that his dad honored her memory by staying fat, but I have to admit that Karl Towns is kind of ripped. Shout out to him for getting kind of shredded.

Remember how Naz Reid dominated the fourth quarter of game 1? Well, he kind of dominated the game again. He takes threes with zeal and he makes an excellent percentage of them. When Naz Reid sees Harry Potter try to make an and1 mixtape highlight on Nagini, Naz Reid tries to do the same thing on Lord Voldemort. It’s fun stuff. Naz Reid is an incredible player. We’ve mentioned his soul-sucking block of Limp Dick, but Naz Reid blocked Lord Voldemort twice.

Jaden McDaniels didn’t make a lot of shots again, but he led the team in plus/minus. If you look into Jaden’s eyes, you’ll see nothing. Jaden McDaniels has eyes like Tay-K. The eyes of a man who grew up witnessing friends be shot down in the street mere feet away from them.

Jaden McDaniels and NAW are preventing every Nugget from comfortably dribbling. The broadcast replayed NAW playing defense on Limp Dick and it revealed how NAW was smiling like a psychopath from how Limp Dick was getting frustrated trying to dribble and move. The facial expression that was plastered on NAW’s face was that of a man who only feels happiness when he is drowning a handcuffed POW in a wooden bucket. NAW isn’t guarding Limp Dick, he’s snatching Limp Dick by the hair on his head, submerging that gripped skull into a water container, and enjoying every diminishing molecule of Oxygen that is leaving Limp Dick’s body. NAW is playing defense and perfectly swishing corner threes like a guy who wants $30 million dollars a year. Seriously, when NAW shoots these corner threes, he knows that they’re hitting nothing but net the second that the ball leaves his fingertips. Crazy. Do you think that growing up trying to guard Shai Gilgeous has helped forge NAW into this force of destruction that is bringing the Nuggets’ season to a crashing halt? I do.

When NAW made that clean strip of Limp Dick and Harry Potter instantly mouthed, “That’s a bad call” when the refs got hoodwinked into calling a foul on NAW, I smiled. The refs need to give the benefit of the doubt to NAW. Not Limp Dick.

Minnesota is going to register on the Richter Scale on Friday before game 3. That crowd was already tied with Orlando for the best crowd in the playoffs and now that city believes in this buzzsaw of a basketball team. How did I check the spread for game 3 and only see Minnesota favored by 3.5? Spoiler alert, I don’t give a fuck what the spread is. I’m taking the Timberwolves. I was right about blindly riding with them and that’s just going to be how this year is going to be. French Rejection didn’t even play and it didn’t matter! Not one bit! This is crazy!

The Nuggets don’t deserve much mention but they’ll get some scattered, unorganized thoughts.

Nagini tried a backward, between-the-legs pass to Boy Toy during the middle of the fourth quarter. It resulted in a turnover because Boy Toy couldn’t corral the pass. That’s the kind of turnover someone makes who wholeheartedly deserved the technical that was called on them earlier in the game. Nagini is getting close-ups while he’s sitting on the bench and he looks like a man who has lost his soul.

In game 2, every Timberwolf who attempted a shot while Limp Dick was guarding them, made that shot. Just like in game 1. Shout out to Limp Dick.

Unlike game 1, Reggie Jackson did not enter the game and almost saved the day. In game 2, Reggie got sent to the floor a bunch and it felt appropriate that he left the game with a seriously sprained ankle. That’s a man who isn’t meant to play in a playoff series of this magnitude.

These things that the Timberwolves are doing are just insane.

Oh, for some reason, the Nuggets didn’t cancel every scheduled dance during intermissions between game times. One of the dance performances was of a Zumba class at a local gym. Wild stuff.

Stan Kroenke is a good guy for having one of the team dancers be black. You have to really squint to see that she’s not Cambodian, but at least there’s one non-white in that outfit.

I can’t freaking believe what happened in Denver yesterday.

CELTICS 🍀 (-11.5) over Cavs 🤺

THUNDER ⛈️ (-3.5) over Mavs 🐴

Day 19

Record: 28-20

🎶You down or you scared?

I knew she was just ‘bout to say it

I break her a lil’ bread

DON’T LET THAT SHIT GO TO YOUR HEAD 🎶

Maybach Music! We’re barking like Ricky Rozay today. All day. We’re using our noses too. Authentic, guttural Rozay woofs are the way we express ourselves when we’re successfully picking WINNER$.

We have read The Inner Game Of Tennis just like Canary Kerr. Not only did we read that book, but after reading it, we put it on the top shelf of our bookcase. Right there with some of the miracles of women’s minds. Miracles like Harry Potter, The Devil Wears Prada, and Time Traveller’s Wife. We buy what Timothy Gallwey is preaching. So it is with that in mind that we are letting our unconscious self guide us through the treacherous path of picking NBA playoff games against the spread. It is the hardest thing in the world, but at Wrongbomb, we do the things that are difficult. We merely observe our actions and we remain decoupled from the results. We fight free. We know the rules. We know what a bad strategy picking the Timberwolves in game 2 in Denver was. Historically, teams in that circumstance don’t cover. But we’ve walked this path. We listen to Self 2, and Self 2 was screaming that this Nuggets team can’t perform basic basketball operations against the Timberwolves, and historical precedence should be ignored with this Limp Dick versus Harry Potter matchup. We listened to Self 2 when they told us that this Thunder team fills us with light. That this Thunder team is a team that the people who decide these game spreads are not respecting as they should.

Fortunately for us, we have Self 2. Or as it’s referred to in these parts, the POG. The Prophet Of God!!! If we allow ourselves to keep in touch with our ability to nonjudgmentally observe the Prophet Of God, we will join him on the road to salvation!

We are not going to interfere with POG and the natural, untaught learning process that the POG uses to make WINNING picks.

Yesterday was the past. It will not help us today, and all we care about is surviving today.

Is this Thunder crowd held in high esteem? Do people take pity on the kind folk of Oklahoma City and bestow them with respect? That crowd was not bumpin’ in the way that Orlando or Minnesota always are during home games. Yesterday, that crowd was downright somnambulistic during the first half. Now, the Thunder team absolutely deserved a lethargic crowd during the first half, but still. Sacramento would never allow a Conference Semifinals home game to be as dreary-looking as Oklahoma City did yesterday. Shame on Oklahoma City. Their building felt emotionless yesterday. We’re not big fans of the blue-and-white segmentation that the Thunder ownership provides their home crowd. It washes every fan in an unreadable opaqueness. Watching Thunder home games, you don’t always feel the rabid energy. Not like with Minnesota and Orlando.

Also regarding the home arena operations, the Thunder most definitely did not fly out there cheerleaders from Los Angeles. The Thunder Dancers are a homegrown bunch. It’s pretty obvious. Shout out to rural America.

Do you know what turns on the kind folk of Oklahoma City? Besides when the Thunder break the game with made three-pointers? Yes, when Chet Holmgren does stuff. And I’m right there with them. We LOVE Chet Holmgren. We have loved Chet Holmgren since we watched his graceful strides at Gonzaga, and we love him even more now. With each passing day, our love for Chet Holmgren only grows. Every day with Chet Holmgren is a day that floods our bodies with a profound love that we did not know could be felt. Long ago, we had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would never experience love, but now we have Chet Holmgren and we’ll never take Chet Holmgren for granted. Not for one second.

In addition to blocking an unholy amount of Mavericks shot attempts, rediscovering his three-point confidence, and dribbling around Derrick Lively, Chet Holmgren wore some neat-looking shoes in game 1. It’s really incredible watching Chet Holmgren dominate the defensive end of the floor by blocking shots and protecting the rim. It’s like Frida Kahlo but Chet is more offensively-skilled than Frida. They both make their free throws, but Chet makes threes, and dribbles to the rim after pump-fakes better than Frida Kahlo does. Does anyone make hay of the fact that Chet Holmgren is light years ahead of where Frida Kahlo was when Frida was a rookie on the Pelicans?

Grant Hill is espoused as “handsome” by my editor, and Grant does the broadcast with Ian Eagle. Along with that duty, Grant is in charge of Team USA. Did Grant include Chet Holmgren on Team USA, or did Grant Hill include every old “superstar” and Ebola Embiid? As far as I know, he did the latter. Shame on Grant Hill for not loving Chet Holmgren like we do. Let’s all purse our lips and subtly shake our heads in consternation at how Grant Hill is embarking Team USA on a march of shame in Paris this summer. Gross management practices from Grant Hill.

What Chet Holmgren does really well is run the floor. On the offensive end, Chet comes flying into the screen for tip dunks and ally-oops when he’s initially out of the picture. On the defensive end, you have full faith that if Shai Gilgeous and Haitian Scarface can delay the Mavs’ fastbreak layup attempts, that Chet Holmgren will come racing to the basket to either block or mangel a Mavericks layup attempt. When Chet Holmgren makes obvious hustle plays that clearly emphasize how much grit is inside the skinny body of Chet Holmgren, the kind folk of Oklahoma City come alive. It’s marvelous to behold.

During the first quarter, it felt like Shai Gilgeous was having another game where he had the free-throw yips. It felt like Shai Gilgeous was gathering signatures for his petition to be the next Little Game James. A dude who puts up numbys during the preseason and then dissolves when the real games start. Thank goodness he turned things around though. Shai Gilgeous needs to calm down with displaying how exasperated he is after missing shots and free throws. He needs to observe his actions without judgment like how Timothy Gallwey preaches.

Luckily for us, Shai Gilgeous started hitting his shots (and literally all of his free throws), after the first quarter. He also kicked Derrick Jones’ penis.

Shai Gilgeous’ three-point shot looks off but when he makes it, the defense feels hopeless and you understand why Shai Gilgeous was thought of as a serious MVP player. Shai doesn’t make a show of it, but he’s really strong and no one on the Mavs can push him around. Push him around, or stay in front of him. Shoulder checks from Shai Gilgeous generate space and with that space, Shai Gilgeous makes most of his fadeaway midrange shots. Like Brandon Ingram, but the opposite. It’s strange watching a player dominate a game with fadeaway midrange shots, but Shai does exactly that. During that first quarter, Shai Gilgeous looked weak and slow while losing control of the basketball and passing up midrange shots so that he could pass to Gordon Hayward. Things turned around though.

Shai Gilgeous. A strange bird indeed.

At Wrongbomb, we’ve been all over how awful Gordon Hayward is. We’ve been vociferous in our demands that Aaron Wiggins be given every second of potential Gordon Hayward playing time. Gordon had a stint during the first half that he didn’t deserve and OKC Coach didn’t play Gordon during the second half. Shocker. Gordon Hayward needs to retire and go back home to have his wife change his identity as a human being. She did yeoman’s work transforming the bowl cut into whatever Gordon has going on right now, but now comes her biggest challenge. Finding a new identity for her testosterone-filled ball of clay. Godspeed to that woman.

Ever since Aaron Wiggins dropped CJ McCollum like someone in the crowd shot CJ, we’ve been fans of Aaron Wiggins. Yesterday, he did nothing less than stamp our endorsement of him. In the first half, he was one of the only Thunder players making threes. Despite the fact that Gordon Hayward was playing with him.

Not only did Aaron Wiggins make his threes during the first half, but he also intercepted a Lord Luka alley-oop pass to Daniel Gafford. That’s something that typically only a certain Frenchman who isn’t playing in the real season does. Aaron Wiggins is a phenomenal player. If he was on the Blazers, he might be their best player. It’s wild that the Thunder have Aaron Wiggins buried on their bench because he’s quite good. Definitely the best Wiggins in the NBA. That block call that Tony Brothers made on Aaron Wiggins against Daniel Gafford was obviously hot dogshit. OKC Coach challenged a play before that so I guess he couldn’t challenge that Wiggins block. It looked like that Kyrie trip foul had a right to be overturned but I guess the refs didn’t overturn it. Here at Wrongbomb, we aren’t afraid to compliment the officiating (like Wolves-Nuggets game 2), and conversely, we have no qualms about saying that Tony Brothers was bad yesterday. It wasn’t him, but one of the other refs missed a blatant hit to Chet’s face by Kyrie Irving. The arena replayed the obvious hit to the face and Tony had a bit too much going on with his face when he discovered that one of his crewmates blew that situation. He made some gestures to the fans that seemed to say, “Hey, we’re going to miss some stuff”. When a home arena screen shows a replay of a ref screwing up, the appropriate reaction is a subtle disappointment. Not “aw shucks”. I’m sure that if you asked Tony what his favorite book was, he would say The Bible, and that response would prevent you from understanding what a dipshit Tony Brothers is, but we know him. We see how he holds himself with his arms when he stands around the court. It’s a sign of self-comfort. Tony isn’t a man with self-confidence, and that’s something to be preyed upon. Release the Kraken on Tony Brothers. Oh, and he looks satanic when he does the officiating announcements during the broadcast.

How have we not brought up Haitian Scarface yet?! There were at least two occasions where Haitian Scarface poked the ball away from Lord Luka while he was dribbling. That never happens but I guess that anything is possible with Haitian Scarface. What a delight. He’s still taking threes like he truly believes that he’s a marksman. What the Thunder organization has done with Haitian Scarface is just incredible. It’s not quite as insane as the Spurs and Kawhi Leonard, but Haitian Scarface is metamorphosizing into a Monarch in Oklahoma City. Haitian Scarface is on Metamorphosis, you just a regular dude. Wow.

We interrupt this scheduled Thunder circle-jerk to have a word about Lord Luka. He’s been missing every three-point attempt during the entirety of the playoffs and it’s sure looking like he prioritized getting stats during the preseason at the detriment of playing healthy during the real season. In the last game against the Clippers, Lord Luka looked to have the rhythm of his body movements back in sync. He looked mildly healthy. Yesterday against the Thunder, he wasn’t the galaxy-destroyer that we believed he was in previous years. Right now, Lord Luka is having a career arc similar to Britney Spears. Incandescent rise during their younger years, followed by unmet expectations and eventual mental breakdown. Lord Luka is going down a bad path right now.

Rottweiler! Rottweiler can’t be guarded by anyone on the Mavericks. We’re ringing the alarm bells in Dallas for their inability to guard Rottweiler. There was a jab step against PJ Washington the led to a monster two-hand slam. If Brittany Renner saw that, she would immediately hop in Rottweiler’s DMs and tell him that she loved him when they had sex later.

Not only did Rottweiler strap PJ Washington in his backpack on his way to dunking, but Rottweiler made a bunch of threes during the fourth quarter when the Thunder broke the game and Koach Kidd quit with five minutes left in the game. It’s just wild how when Shai Gilgeous isn’t breaking defenses, the Thunder can just hand the keys over to Rottweiler and watch him light the opponent on fire. Rottweiler is just a hellacious force of destruction and it’s lowkey unfair that he plays on the Thunder with Shai Gilgeous, Chet Holmgren, Haitian Scarface, Aaron Wiggins, and the rest of the bunch. No one on the Mavs can move laterally with Rottweiler, and only Daniel Gafford and maybe Lord Luka are as strong as Rottweiler.

Don’t forget about Jaylin Williams. He looks Black And Chinese. He also made another three yesterday. After that made three, he pump-faked Daniel Gafford out of his shoes and swished an eighteen-footer. Jaylin Williams is someone who you would love to play basketball with. He doesn’t take too many shots, he loves to pass, he generates more offensive possessions by taking charges and deflecting the ball off of opponents out-of-bounds, and he’s just a happy face. Shout out to Sam Presti, the greatest assembler of NBA teams in the history of the world.

High School Dance Chaperone was almost as bad as Gordon Hayward and he definitely deserved the reduced minutes that OKC Coach gave him. High School Dance Chaperone wasn’t making threes like he was in game 4 against the Pelicans. Actually, he was bricking them in a way that felt hopeless. Kind of like Kyle Anderson on the Timberwolves, but unlike Kyle, High School Dance Chaperone didn’t do a bunch of weird, unexplainable witchcraft to increase the winning margin. There are teenage girls who giddily wave around a giant cardboard print of High School Dance Chaperone, and that is awesome, but High School Dance Chaperone should try to be better because Aaron Wiggins and Cason Wallace are dying to replace him next year.

The Mavs were bad. People don’t want to crown this Thunder team, and it’s inexplicable. Derrick Jones Jr was probably the third-best Maverick yesterday, and that one dunk he had, better be the NBA Top Play. He had two awesome dunks but the one that happened later in the game was better. These NBA Top Play videos have been getting the order wrong recently. The Naz Reid tip-dunk wasn’t number one. Shameful stuff from whoever is in charge of that video.

Wearing that white t-shirt under his jersey makes Derrick Jones look much stronger. Good for him. Changing up his look on the court might have contributed to him being a really good player.

Shout out to the Love’s Kiss Cam. The first couple in the crowd that was shown on that, was a San Francisco couple that featured the man being much more enthusiastic about kissing than his Oriental wife. Overall, the couples that are featured on the Love’s Kiss Cam are couples that kiss each other in a way that feels too practiced. We don’t see enough passion in the stands of Oklahoma City. Not enough popping neck veins or bulging jaw bones from the guys. Not enough unbridled euphoria from the ladies. There’s not enough slow mouth movement from the featured kissers in the heartland of America. Oh well.

Pacers 🏎️ (+4.5) over KNICKS 👖

Day 20

Record: 28-21

“When all hope is lost, all that’s left is relief.”

Yeah, watching that game gave me a headache. Really, it was jarring. For the first half, we got to feel good about ourselves but then the third quarter happened and so now we have to hate every player on this reprehensible Pacers team besides TJ McConnell and Obi Toppin.

We didn’t watch any regulation minutes of the Pacers-Fucks series so this game 2 in NYC was the first Pacers game that we’ve witnessed in its entirety. It’s really fun to watch when they’re making their threes but it gives you a headache when these shitheads from Indianapolis start refusing to get defensive rebounds, STAY ATTACHED TO PLAYERS ON THE CORNERS, or get in the way of Josh Hart sometime between Josh catching the ball at the three-point line and his straight-line drive to the rim. Oh, and don’t forget about jumping at every pump fake. Really, the stuff that the Pacers were giving us yesterday was not professional basketball. There’s a reason that we haven’t watched any of their games before yesterday. They suck. They eked out a series win against a Fucks team missing their MVP player and playing a compromised version of their washed-up, has-been “star” player. The Pacers team has a nickname. Congratulations to the people of Indiana. They are the only fans to have a team nickname besides the haystacks in Sacramento and the cheese-curdling folk of Milwaukee. Henceforth, the team that plays home games in Indianapolis will only be referred to as the Retarded Rabbits. Jesus Christ, just thinking about Isaiah Jackson makes me livid.

Let’s start with the bad, and save our praises for TJ, Obi, and Fucking Ben Shepard for later.

Tyrese Haliburton needs to cut his hair. Yes, that is something that a calcified, old curmudgeon would say. That’s how Tyrese makes us feel. Something I really want in life is to be one of the only “reporters” who goes to postgame Q&A’s with the Retarded Rabbits. If I was there, I’m pretty sure that I would be the only reporter who hasn’t been castrated.

“Hey, Tyrese, Mr. Carson from Wrongbomb. Remember how you made a big deal about how you chose to play most of the season on a compromised leg muscle for the sake of being selected to an All-NBA team? Of course, you remember that. Anyway, I wanted to know if you regret not recovering from that so that you could play in the playoffs and not get physically manhandled by a team full of exhausted zombies that are just begging to be put out of their misery.”

“Blah, blah, blah. Playing for my family. Blah, blah, blah. I have a responsibility to my baby to make as much money from my NBA contract as possible. Blah, blah, blah. I have a sister with credit problems and a black uncle who filed for bankruptcy. Blah, blah, blah.”

“Thanks, Tyrese. You do a good job of completing sentences. You should start a media empire since you’re an NBA player who can use English words to speak full, comprehensible sentences.”

“Uhhh… thanks”

Alright, I kind of didn’t want to but we’re doing it. We’re giving Tyrese Haliburton a nickname from a niche novel written in 1972 called Watership Down because the team nickname is Retarded Rabbits. Tyrese “Hazel” Haliburton. The leader of the Retarded Rabbits. And because we are going down that road with the Retarded Rabbits, we are christening Jalen Brunson as “General Woundwort”. The big rabbit that requires supernatural luck like lightning strikes to take down.

Hazel is the leader of the Retarded Rabbits, and we don’t really give a fuck that he was actually making open threes during the first half. When circumstances got difficult and things were not going in the Retarded Rabbits way, Hazel did absolute dick. We look at Hazel’s face and we think that he’s kind of dumb. Now I know that Hazel is thought of as some kind of erudite basketball player but the facial expressions that he makes, his hairstyle, and the frequency with which he loses Donte DiVincenzo standing at the corner for no fucking reason, make us think that Hazel is kind of dumb. Definitely not someone who will lead a serious playoff team. Not General Woundwort.

There are obvious moments where Hazel passes up open layups for passes to open corner three-point shooters. The Retarded Rabbits were making those threes in the first half. The problem with passing up open layups in the manner with which Hazel passes them up is that it creates a volatile offense. An offense that is prone to dry spells. Dry spells like that third quarter. I believe that the Retarded Rabbits scored 18 points in that third quarter and allowed 36 points. It was an unprofessional twelve minutes of basketball and that’s why they’re the Retarded Rabbits. They embody their leader, Hazel.

How else is Hazel the chief Retarded Rabbit? Besides passing up open layups and losing track of Donte DiVincenzo in the corner? Umm, he has the strength of an eight-year-old boy. That’s not a reason for retardation, but it’s a damning condemnation of Hazel since he is paid to play basketball. Hazel has the body strength of Tyler Herro and that’s a big fucking problem when the Retarded Rabbits don’t really have players who move opponents away from the basket during rebounding scrums. It’s hilarious watching Josh Hart throw Hazel down into the ground when the ball ricochets off the rim. The officials sometimes bail out Hazel by calling loose ball fouls. Now, the Knicks absolutely get every call, but those calls during rebounding scrums need to be passed on. Give Josh Hart the benefit of the doubt against Hazel in those situations. If Hazel falls down, it’s because he is a little boy.

Hazel also does the Westbroke thing where he double-teams opponents with the ball for no fucking reason. The Retarded Rabbits specialize in awful double-teams that let the Knicks pass the ball and get layups or automatic Miles McBride fifteen-foot shots. Gosh, I fucking hate the Retarded Rabbits. Later, I will get a haircut because of how often Hazel lost track of Donte DiVincenzo in the corner.

Donte is the dude who defends Hazel and Donte is obviously playing the pass whenever they’re dancing together. Hazel still passes because he’s the chief of the Retarded Rabbits. There are players who selfishly pass the ball. People like Ben “The Quitter” Simmons, Rajon Rondo, and others that aren’t coming to mind. We’ve all played with players like that. Niggas who can’t make shots and refuse to shoot the ball. It capsizes offenses. It becomes a stain that you can’t wipe away. Soon, those people get reputations. Scouting reports that become public knowledge. “That nigga won’t shoot the ball. Ignore him to double-team the real dudes.” Hazel isn’t quite like that, but he’s right on the line.

Who is next on the list for the Retarded Rabbits? That’s easy, it’s Isaiah Jackson. How many times did the thought, “I hate Isaiah Jackson” pop into my mind during yesterday’s game? LOTS. I hate that dude! Jesus Christ, there has never been a pump-fake in the history of the world that didn’t make Isaiah Jackson jump out of his shoes. My goodness, no wonder Rick Carlisle doesn’t play this nigga during the regular season. Oh, and when Isaiah got a foul called against the Knicks while the Retarded Rabbits were in the bonus, it was the most predictable thing in the world that Isaiah would clank both free throws. That dude just wants to run around and jump high. He’s another one of the Retarded Rabbits who gets pushed around by Josh Hart on rebounding scrums. Isaiah Jackson has never done a box out in his life. I hate Isaiah Jackson. Oh, and that’s not all! In addition to not boxing out large people on the other team, missing critical free throws, constantly being a millisecond away from a turnover whenever the ball finds its way into his hands, and jumping at every pump fake, Isaiah Jackson gets dusted on the perimeter by Miles McBride. So even though he’s athletic, Isaiah still gets maneuvered around by Miles McBride when they’re out on the perimeter. Disgusting stuff from Isaiah Jackson. We hate that dude.

Last thing on Isaiah Jackson. That and1 foul that he made on General Woundwort in the fourth quarter was Holy-Fuck Bad. So throw that on the list of terrible things that Isaiah Jackson does. Commit super late fouls where he tackles a shooter way after the ball leaves their hand.

OK, now for Pascal Siakam. He missed two free throws in the fourth quarter and you could feel it coming because he missed most of his shots before those opportunities in a way that did the opposite of inspire confidence. Pascal was stuck on automatic yesterday. Automatic bricks. He does that thing where he takes free throws noticeably behind the free-throw line. That’s something that really bad shooters do. Now I know that Pascal played a meaningful part of the 2019 Raptors and he had some scintillating box scores against the corpse of that Fucks team, but Pascal was hot dogshit yesterday. He’s another Retarded Rabbit who got abused during rebounding opportunities. However, in Pascal’s case, it was Precious Achiuwa doing the molesting instead of Josh Hart. Ugh.

Aaron Nesmith played a big part in winning that overtime against the Fucks, but yesterday, he was just running around and bumping into people. He missed loads of open threes during that unprofessional third quarter. He was right there with Pascal Siakam and Hazel in the pile of dogshit yesterday.

Myles Turner wears the gayest clothes that I’ve ever seen an NBAer wear during a postgame Q&A. The reason that he’s good is because he’s not Isaiah Jackson. There was one incredible dunk that Myles had but there were many more blown rebounding opportunities and missed shot attempts. Yes, Myles is a little b****. He can go ahead and block some shots, but opponents see Myles, and they see someone to bulldoze. There are a couple of Frenchmen who inspire much more fear in opponents than Myles Turner.

With less than four minutes left in the game, Myles Turner took a fadeaway three-pointer that wasn’t open. There were about fourteen seconds left on the shot clock. It’s fitting that Myles Turner is playing for the Retarded Rabbits because he’s right there with them as far as cognition goes.

Aaron Nembhard absolutely got sodomized by General Woundwort yesterday, but Aaron made most of his shots and I guess he tried on defense. There aren’t any moments that burn my brain from that game 2 which feature Aaron Nembhard losing track of an exhausted Knicks player.

Ok, now for the three amigos on the Retarded Rabbits. At the beginning of the game, I had this crazy question running through my mind. “How the fuck is Obi Toppin the best player on the Retarded Rabbits?” Seriously, what the fuck! Obi Toppin?! Jesus Christ. He was making threes, and also strong enough to attempt (and convert) shots close to the rim! Obi got fouled by Miles McBride (good call) on a three-point attempt and he made all three free throws!! Imagine that!! A large player on the Retarded Rabbits making all their free throws on a three-point foul?!?! No way! In what universe would Pascal Siakam make all three of his free throws?! Not this one!

So yeah, Obi Toppin wants to beat his old team. Good for him. How did he play college basketball at Dayton?! His grades must have been straight F’s.

TJ McConnell was shown a bunch on the bench when Hazel and the rest of the Retarded Rabbits were BLOWING the game by letting General Woundwort be holy-fuck amazing and refusing to get defensive rebounds. Sometimes it feels like TJ McConnell’s fadeaway thirteen-footers are the most reliable form of offense for the Retarded Rabbits. TJ doesn’t pass up open layups either. Actually, he makes them! Wow! Crazy! The Retarded Rabbits are obviously better with TJ than Hazel. It’s obvious. TJ must be sitting on the bench and thinking, “I need to sign a bigger contract so Rick Carlisle isn’t afraid to bench Hazel’s bitch-ass for me. Fuck that nigga. I’m so much better than Hazel.”

It burns my soul that TJ isn’t in the game during the end of the fourth quarter. When he got subbed out in the fourth quarter, he actually talked mess to some fans sitting behind the media row in MSG. TJ is great. I actually read some postgame quotes from TJ that gave some insight into how fucking pathetic it is that the Retarded Rabbits aren’t winning these games against a six-man rotation. TJ knows that this is some gross shit that the Retarded Rabbits are shoving down our throats. TJ deserves to jump ship next year and join forces with a certain Frenchman who feels like one of those mixed blacks who secretly prefers playing with whites.

Isaiah Wong is on the Pacers?!?! That dude was incredible for Miami in the NCAA Tournament and he’s Black And Chines as fuck. The Lakers need to sign Isaiah Wong. He should get a real opportunity to play stateside and delay his inevitable superstardom playing in Taipei. We have reverence for Isaiah.

What can I say about the Knicks? OG probably tore his hamstring and it’s disgusting that the broadcast said that he couldn’t play because of a “sore hamstring”. He couldn’t play the last twenty minutes of the game and he still scored a bushel of baskets. OG is a big strong man, and the Retarded Rabbits don’t have any players like that.

Donte DiVincenzo was lights-out from three and he’s been doing some good dunks in games. Now, his dunks always have to fight through the front of the rim, but he’s been the best white in-game dunker that played in the real season in recent memory. Pat Connaughton is a better dunk-contest participant, but Donte has a black man’s soul so he actually dunks in the freaking game. When I get a haircut later because my current hairdo is too close to Hazel’s, I’m going to get the DiVincenzo lineup in front. Sharp enough to slit a nigga’s throat.

Yeah, General Woundwort is fucking amazing. I have no idea how he got so fucking amazing. When he left the game in the first half, I thought that it was a hand injury but I guess it was a foot thing. Tom Thibodeau is going to kill every Knicks player and it’s hard to watch. Having said that, this shit that General Woundwort is doing is just incredible. He makes every shot during the fourth quarter in a way that feels inevitable. The Retarded Rabbits feel helpless against this 6’-1” gnome of a planet-eater. Jesus Christ is General Woundwort BETTER than Lord Luka?! There’s no way that’s actually true but if I could enough psychedelics, you could talk me into it if there was enough conviction in your voice. What world are we living in?

It’s just insane that the Retarded Rabbits lose these Knicks players on defense. They just lose track of where they are and the Knicks get layups. It’s gross stuff and I probably won’t watch another game of this series even if it’s the only game of the day. Fuck both of these teams.

The Indicator of how shitty the Retarded Rabbits are at basic defense is the efficiency of Josh Hart. I re-watched the layup that he got when he caught the ball at the three-point line and just did a straight-line drive to the rim for a layup without any of the Retarded Rabbits impeding him before he got to the rim. It was during the third quarter and it’s shocking that the refs didn’t call a blocking foul on Obi Toppin. Why did Josh get that empty freeway to the rim? Because the Retarded Rabbits double-teamed General Woundwort. I can’t remember seeing a playoff NBA team committing malpractice on the defensive end of the court like that. I fucking hate the Pacers.

Ben Shepard is wet. There, I mentioned Ben Shepard.

CELTICS 🍀 (-13.5) over Cavs 🤺

THUNDER ⛈️ (-5.5) over Mavericks 🐴

Day 21

Record: 28-23

Now this is what picking games is supposed to feel like! The losses are starting to snowball and it feels like there will never be a Winner again. This is just awful and I hate this. Please make it stop.

PJ Washington made every three he took and Tim Hardaway Jr didn’t do much worse so I quit before the fourth quarter started. It was a kind of boring game. Loads of free throws and wide-open threes. Shout out to the Thunder owners for electing to have their home crowds wear only blue instead of blue and white. Ugh. This is just terrible. Why do I like this?

RETARDED RABBITS 🐇 (-7.5) over Knicks 👖

TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (-4.5) over Nuggets ⛏️

Day 22

Record: 28-25

The Timberwolves had 59 points with less than four minutes left in the third quarter. It was at this moment that we had to stop watching this game in the name of a quality night’s sleep.

Thunder ⛈️ (+2.5) over MAVERICKS 🐴 (I’m watching this game)

Celtics 🍀 (-7.5) over CAVALIERS 🤺

Day 23

Record: 29-26

“Looking back, I don’t know that I was ever really in love with the man. I was in love with the idea of being married to the man I had a family with. I was in love with the idea of building a life together.”

Wow, thanks, Shaunie O’Neal. That’s some ish my dad would say! Actually, that’s not quite true. It’s some ish my dad actually said! Just with a bit more verbal efficiency. “I never loved your mother.” Lmao. Huge shout out to MSN for showing us this headline. Fire quote from Mrs. O’Neal. Maybe if Mrs. O’Neal wasn’t the kind of woman who wrote autobiographies detailing how she was never in love with the man who dragged her ugly ass from anonymity to being on Basketball Wives, her children would be better at basketball. Evidently, one of the girls is a legitimate player (the one at Florida), but the rest just coast off their name. Did Bronny James see Shareef have a heart issue at UCLA and understand that getting a heart problem was the secret sauce to delaying people finding out how nondescript his basketball talent is?

Athletes! They’re just like us! Too afraid to have a separation when it becomes clear that what is going on, isn’t something that should continue. Staying together for the kids. Just tremendous. Thank you, Shaunie! Your book is probably unreadably boring because the jew who you paid two million dollars to “co-write” your autobiography, allowed you to write too much of it, but that headline really made me smile. You must be a trainwreck of a woman, but your lack of shrewdness is quite entertaining. Gosh, that made me smile.

Speaking of mothers giving evidence of being bad parents, Lord Luka’s mom had a trademark dispute with her son! Do you think that you would ever have a “trademark dispute” with your mom? Personally, that’s definitely something that I can’t even imagine happening. Maybe getting into a “trademark dispute” with your mother is a sign of other things. Lord Luka’s mom was/is super hot but maybe she wasn’t the greatest mom. Actually, maybe she was detrimental as a mother. Maybe if Lord Luka had parents who wouldn’t dream of getting into “trademark disputes” with their superstar basketball player son, Lord Luka wouldn’t be so cantankerous with all of the officiating. Seriously, it’s just awful watching Lord Luka when he’s like that. Yesterday, Lord Luka was showing obvious signs of displeasure even when the refs were making calls in the ref's favor. After every single play, Lord Luka needs to have an unpleasant discussion with Gay Bill Kennedy. Gay Bill puts up with it. There’s zero chance that I would talk to Lord Luka in the manner that Gay Bill does.

Here’s my theoretical pre-game discussion with Lord Luka.

“Hey Lord Luka, I see how you move. You’re never satisfied. There’s nothing I could do to make you happy. Now, I know that you’re a superstar in this league and if I throw you out, I’m probably going to ref in México, but I’m not going to pay attention to anything you say. You’re in the same banana boat as Kyle Lowry as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going to listen to you in the first minute of the game. I’m never going to pay any mind to the words coming out of your mouth and the first time that you make obvious physical gestures that make me feel embarrassed, I’m going to immediately give you a technical. I’ll be ready for it too. There’s a book on you. I might get sent to México by Penis Head Silver for treating you like an adult, but I’m not going to have a game where you embarrass me. The odds are stacked against me sticking in the league no matter what, and I’m not going to get fired with the regret of not holding you accountable. Because, you know what? If this stupid reffing thing doesn’t work out for me, I’ll find something better to do with my life.”

Walk away immediately. Lord Luka might say some words, but they fall on deaf ears.

Gay Bill does not take the same tact that I would. None of the refs do. That’s why they’re dipshit refs. Because they’re too chicken-shit to start t’ing up Lord Luka. Let alone throw him out of a game. God, I loathe these weak refs.

It was all day with Lord Luka, and it’s gross to watch. The manner in which Lord Luka treats officiating is a sign of mental weakness. Mental weakness, and a lack of leadership. What is Derrick Jones supposed to think when he sees Lord Luka throw his arms in the air even when the refs make a call that favors the Mavs? What Derrick Jones starts to think is that he has a right to act like a petulant child. Just like Lord Luka.

Somehow Kyrie and a bunch of the other Mavs don’t let Lord Luka’s toxic behavior seep into their countenance. So shout out to Kyrie for that.

Lord Luka got a dogshit three-point foul even though it was pretty clear that Lord Luka kicked out his legs. OKC Coach challenged the play, but Lord Luka still shot three free throws. At least I think that OKC Coach challenged the foul. The refs went to review that call, but I guess they didn’t think it was dogshit even after looking at it happen in slow motion. Coaches challenges should be exclusively reserved for dogshit shooting fouls. Someone in NYC should get that through Tom Thibodeou’s pee-brain.

Lord Luka has been bad shooting the ball but he’s starting to shoot less so that caps some of the deleterious effects of his poor shooting. He’s doubling the rebound total of the second-leading rebounder on the Mavs, so at least Lord Luka is doing an adequate job of being a big, strong man.

Wait, the Mavs won (kind of comfortably), even when Lord Luka was bad shooting? Yes. Yes, they did. The Mavs have this dude named PJ Washington who previously played with the continental United States version of Basketball Siberia, the Charlotte Hornets. Jesus Christ, PJ Washington is like a contemporary version of Shawn Marion. Am I going to start calling PJ, The Matrix?! Hell no. I’m more likely to start calling him Blow Job than shamelessly copying an amazing nickname from 2005. Seriously though, PJ gets these offensive rebounds that bring shame to the family of every Thunder player. PJ is another big, strong man, and the Thunder have an issue with that because the Thunder can’t prevent people like PJ Washington from ending their season with offensive rebounds. So there’s that aspect of PJ’s brilliance. Another is that he’s shooting threes with obvious confidence. There’s zero hesitation with him throwing those up and his follow-through is so comfortable. The shots are swishing through the rim, and when they do, the Dallas crowd shows obvious admiration for PJ. PJ Washington is to the Dallas crowd, what Chet Holmgren is to the OKC Faithful. The entire arena jumps up and down whenever PJ makes a back-breaking (to the Thunder) play. PJ is still shooting those weak floaters that no self-respecting basketball player would shoot, but he’s limiting those gross shots in favor of threes, and strong takes to the rim. PJ has great tattoos and waves that are second to none. Shout out to Brittney Renner for recognizing the brilliance of PJ’s waves.

PJ Washington being the best Maverick, is just an acid-trip of an experience. He even had a sublime defensive play where Rottweiler rocketed to the rim, and PJ jumped straight up to protect the basket. PJ didn’t block Rottweiler, he did something better. He caused Rottweiler to throw the ball out-of-bounds. The level that PJ Washington is playing at, is just insane. Not expected in the slightest.

Kyrie doesn’t allow Lord Luka’s poor behavior to seep into his game, and we’re grateful for that. Now, Kyrie did absolute dick during most of the first half, but when the game got to the second half, Kyrie turned into the fear-inducing conflagration that we know him to be. Somehow, Kyrie causes the second-most fear in me when he plays on the opponent of the team that I’m rooting for. First? Duh, Shaq. He deserved a better woman than Shaunie.

You feel helpless when Kyrie starts making shots. He’s over thirty years old, but the Navajo-Comanche spirit still flows deep in his bones. There isn’t a player in the playoffs that I trust more at the free throw line than Kyrie Irving, and lord help the Thunder when Kyrie gets a three-point attempt after a Mavs offensive rebound. When everyone is scrambling on defense after offensive rebounds, Kyrie feels free. He uses that momentary chaos to unleash the smoothest three-point attempts that you’ll ever see. Kyrie had a play where he finished around a certain Frenchman, and if Kyrie can do that, Chet Holmgren can’t do anything to bother Kyrie.

The Thunder only have players who are bigger and younger than Kyrie Irving, but not one of them had any ability to prevent Kyrie Irving from making most of his shots. It’s just a spectacle to behold. Hubie Brown knows. That’s why Hubie could not have been more giddy (lol) to have a bro-hug with Kyrie before the game. By the way, obviously, I have the broadcasts on mute, but before I did that, Dave Pasch and Hubie Brown were recognized as the best in the game. Dave Pasch doesn’t do too much (shout out to Mark Jones), and Hubie Brown talks in that funny way.

Another accouterment of the broadcast that brings a smile to our faces are these commercials with Lord Voldemort. Especially the hotel one that features a Shetland pony and Peyton Watson. Lord Voldemort has a funny demeanor and it’s interesting to see how great he is at acting. No wonder he’s a brilliant basketball player. He’s a brilliant person in general.

Are we ready to start going in on these weak Thunder players? Yes.

What a bunch of scam artists! They preyed upon a team that should never have been in the playoffs and the second that the Thunder start playing a legitimate team, they feel utterly incapable of getting defensive rebounds. This is like the Cavs last year against the Knicks. These rebounding incapabilities are exactly the type of thing that I just can’t stand to watch. That, and awful turnovers. Oh, wait, the Thunder had those too! Isaiah Joe is so scared to dribble the basketball. It’s cringe watching an NBA player be so unwilling to dribble. That terrible pass he threw in transition made every particle of oxygen leave my lungs. The pass that was easily intercepted by Lord Luka (playing on one leg), and subsequently taken to the rim for a layup. That’s what we call a “pick 6” turnover. It was a two-on-one fastbreak for the Thunder but Isaiah Joe made a reprehensible decision that turned what should have been two Thunder points, into a Mavs layup. Bad stuff. The other awful turnover was when Aaron Wiggins threw a pass to Rottweiler when Rottweiler wasn’t looking. It was after Wiggins got an uncontested defensive rebound (the only kind of defensive rebound that the Thunder get), and there wasn’t any defensive pressure. Every Maverick had run back to play defense. Rottweiler assumed that Aaron was cool with bringing the ball up himself since Aaron is allowed to do that. Nope. Aaron passed the ball to Rottweiler for no reason other than to avoid the responsibility of dribbling the ball up the court. The ball went out-of-bounds because Rottweiler couldn’t change direction fast enough. That Wiggins turnover made me groan.

Shai Gilgeous was phenomenal and clearly, the only reason why the Thunder kept this score respectable, but the box score says that he had five turnovers. Although none of them burned a hole in my brain like the two previously mentioned, you can’t have turnovers to go along with an inability to grab defensive rebounds. That’s what we call “Losing Basketball”. Oh, and the Thunder can’t make threes, so that’s a problem.

High School Dance Chaperone wants the season to end. It’s prom season and High School Dance Chaperone needs to rent a house in Newport Beach for a couple of months. He made a three, but he missed three others. The threes that High School Dance Chaperone misses are just killers because they’re wide-fucking-open. Daniel Gafford is “guarding” High School Dance Chaperone and it’s not going great for the Thunder. Sometimes High School Dance Chaperone dribbles around Daniel Gafford but it takes a lot to overcome the complete apathy that Daniel gives High School Dance Chaperone out on the perimeter. Don’t forget that High School Dance Chaperone doesn’t solve the Thunder’s rebounding problem! What the fuck does High School Dance Chaperone do?! Make great inbounds passes?! Jesus Christ, the Thunder better trade his high school ass this offseason. Every time that High School Dance Chaperone goes to the bench, the Thunder immediately go on scoring runs. Would the Suns accept him for Durantula? Durantula has only ruined every situation that he’s been in so maybe Sam Presti shouldn’t go down that road, but Sam needs to do something about this situation with High School Dance Chaperone. Preferably, turning him into a grown man who can make defensive rebounds less of an adventure. Every single defensive rebound that the Thunder get their hands on feels like it goes through the hands of three people before Shai Gilgous finally grabs it. God forbid Haitian Scarface secure a rebound.

Haitian Scarface was bad. The refs absolutely screwed him with calling that jump ball when Haitian Scarface took the ball away from Lord Luka, but Haitian Scarface needs to catch the ball better. He made some lucky threes and had a jaw-dropping block of Derrick Jones, but Haitian Scarface is letting me down big time. Every time he dribbles the ball, it feels like the Mavs are going to get a steal. Ugh.

A few games ago, we mentioned that Chet Holmgren needs to find the light with his three-point shot. He hasn’t and it’s turned into a big freaking problem. Chet is starting to play like a rookie. He looks absolutely exhausted out there. All of the light is gone from my baby’s eyes. It hurts to see my beloved down bad like this. Danial Gafford, PJ Washington, and Derek Lively are throwing my baby around during rebounding scrums, and it’s exhausting Chet. Lord Luka had an and1 on Chet and screamed afterward. Chet’s face looked like all of the life had left in after Lord Luka screamed at him. OKC Coach sat Chet for a big chunk of time during the middle of the fourth quarter. Maybe OKC Coach saw that Chet needed to take a break, but part of me thinks that OKC Coach thought that Jaylin Williams would do better getting defensive rebounds. Maybe he did, but it wasn’t clear. Jaylin Williams has been amazing and he needs to stay on the team.

Back to Chet though. Chet’s offensive game has completely left him and that’s what allows the Mavs to have Daniel Gafford guard High School Dance Chaperone. Because Chet does absolute dick when PJ Washington or Derick Jones guards him. OKC Coach needs to figure out how to get Chet to score the ball again. How to stop airballing three-point attempts. At the beginning of game 3, Chet had an empty trip to the free throw line and I guess that was a signal that Chet was about to have a bad game. Yes, Chet’s defense is amazing, but he needs to score the basketball if the Thunder are going to avoid mortifying me for believing in them.

On the bright side, thousands of female primary school teachers get to watch Chet Holmgren on television with their significant others and see Chet be the adult version of the spindly adolescent that is the only thing that really gets them off. The skinny boy whom they lost their virginity and inspired them to chase that memory by getting a teaching credential and never leaving school.

So at least there’s that.

Rottweiler was pretty bad. When he leaves the game because of a seriously sprained ankle, you understand how thin the Thunder are with regards to scoring talent. Shai Gilgeous was making what felt like seventy percent of his midrange shots, but it’s malpractice to give one player the responsibility that OKC gave to Shai Gilgeous. Someone else needed to help Shai Gilgeous and no one did. During the fourth quarter, there needs to be other Thunder players besides Shai Gilgeous who want to shoot the ball. There was a moment when it seemed feasible that Shai Gilgeous would save my ass, but it was always unlikely. The Thunder around Shai Gilgeous need to make more shots. Isaiah Joe made some, but it feels like it’s too hard for Isaiah to get off his shot against the Mavs. Either Isaiah needs to step back to get more space before the ball is passed to him, or Isaiah needs to be more dogged with his off-ball movement because right now, the Mavs are preventing Isaiah Joe from even attempting threes. That needs to change. Aaron Wiggins also needs to make some threes, but he doesn’t feel as helpless as Isaiah Joe with regards to getting his shot off.

Are the Thunder really going to go out missing most of their threes, turning the ball over, and refusing to get defensive rebounds?! Jesus Christ!

Since this was an ESPN game, we got to see Malike Andrews orchestrating the pre-game banter. Obviously, that is kept on mute. Is it asking too much of Malika to get implants? She was wearing a plunging neckline that she had no business wearing with the current state of her body. I guess the network executives let Malika wear whatever she wants. If she got elective surgery, could she expense it to the Disney controller under the premise that the cosmetic procedure fell under “professional development”? Aren’t those surgeries, like, ten racks? That’s nothing to a company like Disney! Malika needs implants and she should be publicly shamed into getting them. In her special circumstances, her body is not her choice. It’s the choice of the television-watching audience, and they would prefer Malika with implants. She probably would like herself more if she got them too, but she’s probably too caught up in “how that would objectify her” or whatever. Does she go to therapy? Maybe if she got implants, she would be a happier person and not need to throw away an hour every two weeks talking to some quack about why she feels blue. Malika will never get the opportunity to be awarded $55 milly from a hotel conglomerate with the present state of her femininity.

RETARDED RABBITS 🐇(-5.5) over Knicks 👖

TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (-3.5) over Nuggets ⛏️

Day 24

Record: 30-27

“I swore off imagining another player in his place. It’s a difficult promise to keep but I’m trying my darndest.”

Yeah, it’s important to write things down (and keep track of your gambling picks) so that you understand that you have the power to say some really dumb stuff. Just like everyone else. You’re not special. My Méxican Dad told me that every day. Not with words of course. That’s not the Méxican way. With a sticker on his hard hat. That’s the Méxican way. Nonverbal communication. Thanks, Carlos.

So… yeah… we went back on our promise to Limp Dick that we wouldn’t obsess about trading his flaccid ass so that Lord Voldemort could have some proper Death Eaters. We absolutely went on the trade machine to discover that the Nuggets can’t really trade anyone on their team because of The Rules. Despite that, we found that Limp Dick can be traded for LaMelo, Lonzo, and Ayo Dosunmu, and also My Son, AJ Griffin, and something called Kobe Bufkin. Anyway, that happened and it was a mistake. There are some people in the world who you just can’t be in a relationship with, and Limp Dick is absolutely one of those people for us when it comes to basketball belief. We would absolutely ruin a team by trading Limp Dick for less than he’s worth just because we can’t handle the peaks and valleys that come with a player who isn’t fast, tall, or durable.

Limp Dick was absolutely sensational in that game. If he hadn’t made a personal porn video that was poorly produced and acted, his nickname would absolutely be Wormtail. Yesterday, Limp Dick helped The Dark Lord rise again. There weren’t a lot of points to start the game but in the second half of the second quarter and the beginning of the third quarter, Limp Dick went on an absolute bender where he felt unstoppable. Even with Jaden McDaniels and Harry Potter guarding him. Limp Dick was dribbling to preconceived spots on the floor where he knew he wouldn’t be blocked and his shots were perfect swishes despite being extremely contested. There weren’t a lot of points from Limpy yesterday, but he was efficient and also dining up teammates. He was a worthy servant to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Plaudits to Limp Dick. It doesn’t make sense how the player we watched during the first two games is now this player but that’s the world we are living in. For some reason, Limp Dick is now fully capable of basic basketball operations like dribbling and passing without turning over the ball and breaking a fullcourt press in a way befitting an NBA player who some consider to be really good. Yes, Limp Dick made that half-court shot. The heave that Boy Toy knew was going in midflight. It was during that lights-out twelve-minute period spanning through halftime. The Dark Lord didn’t need that much, and yesterday, Limp Dick contributed his fair share. We hate to admit it, but it happened in an obvious and undeniable way.

Dark times are back! Nobody lives once He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named decides to kill them! Nobody. Not one. Except the boy who lived. Definitely not Naz Reid, Karl Towns, and French Rejection. We’ll get to those payosos, but first, we need to relish in The Dark Lord’s unmatched power.

The first two games of this series were beyond belief because it seemed like Lord Voldemort was just a regular player. He’s not. He’s The Dark Lord. There was a double-team on him that led to an absolutely insane kick-out pass across the court to an open Reggie Jackson in the three-point corner. The pass went along the baseline and around four wolves defenders. It went to Reggie Jackson so of course, the shot hit nothing besides the top of the backboard, but it’s stuff like that that reminds you that that’s Tom Fucking Riddle out there. You can not double-team The Dark Lord. Just like you can’t double-team Lord Luka. Both of those wizards will find the open three-point shooter and throw a laser to them that allows the shooter time to not be bothered by a contest. Unless, of course, that contest comes from Harry Potter. In that singular circumstance, the wide-open shooter will hit nothing but the top of the backboard on a wide-open corner three.

In addition to his everpresent passing wizardry, The Dark Lord was plainly unstoppable around the basket. Naz Reid can’t do anything to bother The Dark Lord when they’re one-on-one around the rim. The Dark Lord just does some pump-fakes and some pivots before unfurling an unbothered shot that he knows won’t be blocked because The Dark Lord’s body is too wide to traverse with arms. When The Dark Lord takes two slow steps before trying a hook shot, you know you’re fucked. You know that when The Dark Lord does that two-step, he’s triggering synapses in his central nervous system that initiate a bodily sequence that ends with a made basket. Timothy Gallwey would call it “flow state”. Other people would call it “touch”. Whatever. When Lord Voldemort is guarded by one person around the basket, he’s going to take a shot that he makes, and if you double, he’s going to spray that basketball to an open three-point shooter. That’s The Dark Lord. The first two games in this series were probably an apparition.

That dunk on Harry Potter made me scream in a loud and involuntary way that all of my neighbors could hear. The other Death Eaters are supposed to be the ones who try to dunk on Harry Potter, but they aren’t so leave it to Tom Riddle I guess. Yesterday, Lord Voldemort reminded all of us about who he was. The Dark Lord. It’s looking really bad for the boy who lived. Harry Potter was doing his best but Lord Voldemort slammed the door shut on that game by refusing to miss shots down the stretch of the fourth quarter. Mystifying stuff from He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Side note, we love how Lord Voldemort interacts with the refs. It’s not like Lord Luka at all. Lord Voldemort wasn’t raised in familial chaos like Lord Luka was. Tom Riddle had a mother who would never dream of taking her son to court. Lord Voldemort usually clasps his hands together and does something that can only be described as “pleading”. You can plainly see that Lord Voldemort is talking in a sane, constructive manner. The opposite of the whiny, inconsolable way that Lord Luka talks to these dipshit refs. Lord Voldemort knows that it doesn’t serve his army to have the refs hate him.

Christian Brawny is back!!! Wearing The Jalens and making threes! We’re still waiting for Christian Brawny to conclude a fastbreak by trying to end Harry Potter’s life, but yesterday Christian Brawny was making us happy. Us, and Coach Michael Malone. Christian Brawny was so incredible that Boy Toy sat for pretty much the entire fourth quarter because Christian Brawny was serving The Dark Lord better than Boy Toy. When Christian Brawny made that three in the fourth quarter and screamed, we smiled and thought to ourselves, “That’s our boy!”

During timeouts in the fourth quarter, Christian Brawny sits next to Lord Voldemort on the bench. We know this because we watch the stream that doesn’t have commercials. Christian Brawny has formed a connection to The Dark Lord. Oh my gosh, if Christian Brawny got a Death Eater tattoo on his forearm I don’t know what I would do. Definitely something absolutely nuts.

If you besmirch the good name of Christian Brawny by belittling his execution of Jimmy Butler last year, we can’t be in the same room. You just don’t understand how badly I want Christian Brawny to dunk on Harry Potter in Denver. That place would explode and my neighbors would hear me scream again. Let us say a prayer for Christian.

We haven’t mentioned Nagini and yesterday, he was incredible. Obviously, he only missed one shot in more than ten attempts. There was a corner three sprinkled in those makes, but most of them were dunks that resulted from Lord Voldemort dining him up. However, Nagini absolutely dominated at the beginning of the second quarter when Lord Voldemort was on the bench. He had juice in his legs and was dominating the game during that stretch. Blame Naz Reid because he was the only big person with Minnesota during that stretch. At the beginning of the second quarter, Nagini dimed up a cutting Christian Brawny and then kicked out of a double-team to a wide-open Justin Holiday (shout out Campbell Hall HS) three. Nagini has a strange chemistry with Justin Holiday and an obvious chemistry with Christian Brawny (who doesn’t?!). It was nice seeing Nagini step up and be the freaking grown man who the Nuggets really need. Nagini can’t allow NAW, Kyle Anderson, and even Harry Potter himself to guard him around the rim. For some reason, Nagini was catatonic during the first two games but he’s been awakened recently. Good for him.

Our Favorite Black Realtor did absolute dick on offense but he was incredible defensively. One of his blocks was on Karl Towns (hold on a minute), and the other was Our Favorite Black Realtor pinning a NAW layup attempt off the backboard. The second block was incredible.

Peyton Watson was probably in some well-acted hotel commercials with Lord Voldemort that we didn’t see during this game, but during the game, he was most noteworthy for telling the crowd to be quiet with the shh’ing finger, and for having a gigantic smile during the first quarter. It was almost like Payton Watson saw The Dark Lord dominate that first quarter and knew that it meant the Nuggets were going to advance deeper into the playoffs. Payton Watson is one of the biggest cheerleaders of The Dark Lord from the bench. Maybe it has to do with The Dark Lord dragging Payton into hotel commercials that he would never be in otherwise.

OK, enough about the Nuggets. It’s time to bring up Karl Towns! It was immediately obvious that this was going to be a disaster of a game from Karl. Shame on him. His dad was watching that game (without an N95 mask), and his mom was watching that game from up above. Did you know that Karl Towns’ mom died of the CoCo? It happened a while ago so maybe you forgot. Even though it happened years ago, Karl is really going through some emotional turbulence, so you have to pardon him for playing the entirety of this game like someone raised by Boy Toy’s mom and dad. Was Kar really throwing that game?! He was tanking the Timberwolves' efforts from tip-off. It was wild to see a player be so deleterious to winning from the moment the game started.

The less scientific part of that observation was that it looked like Karl Towns was instantly upset that he wasn’t shooting the shots at the start of the game. The more concrete part of that observation was that from the moment the game started, Karl Towns was committing bad (and obvious) blocking fouls against Lord Voldemort, taking wild shots that led to fastbreaks with him behind every other player somewhere along the baseline, getting the ball stripped by Our Favorite Black Realtor because Karl refused to stop taking wild shots against smaller players, refusing to pass, missing free throws, never stop complaining to the refs in a distasteful way, shooting contested threes with fourteen seconds on the shot clock, missing contested threes and not getting back on defense despite being at the three-point line when the Nuggets secured the defensive rebound, driving into four defenders thinking that the refs would bail him out with a foul despite the refs not doing that for the first thirty minutes of the game, and helping off of Nagini when Lord Voldemort having the ball which led to Nagini dunks. Oh, and that’s not all! Karl Towns’ ass-level was absurdly high when he was defending Nagini out on the perimeter. Karl’s ass level was almost as high as Ebola Embiid’s when Ebole Embiid gets gassed. That was a lot, I know. Karl Towns was just an embarrassment of a professional yesterday. His dad should be ashamed of him. If anyone doubts Karl Towns’ inclusion on the All-NBA Douchebag team, let game 4 be the inarguable testament to his first-ballot status on that team. My goodness he was just terrible. Towards the end of that game, Karl still thought that Harry Potter needed to pass him the ball but Harry smartly waved him away during the fourth quarter. It’s really wild that Karl Towns could be that awful in a game and still demand that he get the ball during the fourth quarter. The replacement Timberwolves coach looks kind of smart, but yesterday he needed to cut Karl Towns minutes in favor of Naz Reid. Naz definitely got eaten alive by Lord Voldemort but Naz wasn’t throwing the game like Karl Towns was. Did I mention that Karl was missing free throws too? Jesus Christ. Is Minnesota burning Karl Towns jerseys in public today?

Karl Towns’ misses were leading to Nuggets’ fast breaks. His misses close to the basket and even his three-point misses because Karl was standing still, admiring his bricks and not getting back on defense. Wild stuff. With five minutes left in the second quarter, Karl Towns was 1-8 from the field. Yeah. Bad stuff indeed. One of the terrible threes that he took in the second half with fourteen seconds left on the shot clock didn’t hit the rim. Not for one moment did Karl Towns think to himself that it might be better if he started passing the ball more and set off-ball screens. He was just disgusting yesterday. Karl Towns is mentally weak because his mother was the kind of person who died from the CoCo. Never in a million years would Lord Voldemort’s mother do something as mentally feeble as dying from the CoCo. Shame on Karl Towns’ mother.

Harry Potter was just amazing. That dunk was cool. For some reason, NBA Top Plays didn’t have Lord Voldemort’s dunk as the number one play. It was less athletic than Harry’s dunk but it made me scream. Harry’s dunk didn’t make me scream. The game was over. Lord Voldemort slammed the door shut. It was incredible that Harry kept the score at least slightly competitive, but not even Harry Potter could overcome the utter dogshit that every other Timberwolf (besides Naz Reid) was giving Minnesota yesterday.

French Rejection was traveling and dropping passes. There was a free-throw trip that was preceded by French Rejection trying to pump up the crowd like a Timberwolves run was about to start. Yeah… that didn’t come to fruition. French Rejection probably missed one of those free throws. It’s kind of funny that the Timberwolves are tanking now that French Rejection’s first child was born. The playoffs aren’t the playoffs unless French Rejection and Frodo are getting humiliated. Shout out to those Jazz teams.

Remember when NAW was swishing every three he took and preventing Limp Dick from dribbling? Me neither. His threes are feeling hopeless and we’ve already brought up his layup attempt that got pinned off the backboard by Our Favorite Black Realtor. Oh well.

If I were Glen Taylor and I were the slave master of the Timberwolves during that embarrassing home game effort, I would cancel all the drum-line and cheerleading performances that happened during intermissions. It’s nice seeing him sit courtside next to the coaching staff during this public humilations. He better ship Karl Towns’ ass out of town if the Timberwolves blow this. It should be the last thing that he does before Alex Rodriguéz takes control of the team after their court stuff concludes.

Celtics 🍀 (-9.5) over CAVS 🤺

Thunder ⛈️ (+1.5) over MAVERICKS 🐴 (I’m watching this game)

Day 25

Record: 31-28

We quit that Thunder-Mavs game at halftime because the game seemed too hopeless for the Thunder. Kyrie was only throwing dimes for dunks, High School Dance Chaperone was playing, the Thunder had a reprehensible three-point shooting percentage, and the Mavs were making lots of threes. Oh, and the Thunder weren’t getting defensive rebounds, again. That’s hard to watch. It was just shocking to see that the Thunder won that game and saved me from going 0-2. Shout out to Jayson Tatum for failing to cover a playoff game against Samwise Gamgee. We saw the last minute of that game, and with only that, we are ready to write scathing rebukes of Jayson Tatum. How he just wants to look pretty and is everything that is wrong with American Basketball.

The box score told us that the Mavs lost that game by missing free throws and making turnovers. Wow.

OKC Coach needs to stop wearing all-white zip-ups. He’s not tan enough to wear all-white anything. We’ve had enough of OKC Coach’s nose. Can we take away the COY award from him for continuing to start High School Dance Chaperone, and for that Dereck Lively free-throw strategy???

Retarded Rabbits 🐇 (+2.5) over KNICKS 👖 (I’m actually going to watch this game. We’re going on something called a “company retreat” in a place called “Key West” which will make staying up until 1 am too detrimental for even someone as addicted to watching the Bestern Conference as yours truly.)

Timberwolves 🐺 (+4.5) over NUGGETS ⛏️ (I’m making this the FYPOTP)

Day 26

Record: 31-30

🎶All them other niggas lame, and you know it now

When a real nigga hold you down, you supposed to drown 🎶

The school year is over at Hogwarts and Harry Potter is spending the summer with the Dursley’s under a mystical veil that prevents magic from happening. Harry can’t prevent the patriarch of the Dursley family from locking him in the basement like he’s still a nine-year-old boy. It’s going to be a rough summer for Harry. Definitely no excursions to the Weasley house to run around with Ginny.

On one hand we get to be thankful that the Nuggets are advancing and we get to continue watching The Dark Lord lay waste to the NBA, but on the other hand, the FYPOTP didn’t cash in a hopeless, pathetic way. Oh well. Gambling is for the rich to lose money.

Initially, we planned to watch the Leastern Conference but the stars aligned and some sense came into our heads. We made it through the first three quarters but then it got too late so we only have intel of the ultimate quarter from watching the recap video. Evidently, General Woundwort left no women or children alive in the warren of the Retarded Rabbits. Plaudits to General Woundwort. Major demerits to Hazel Haliburton and the rest of the Rabbits. The coach on Hazel’s team needs to leave after this season. No, we did not watch one second of that game. We just saw the final score and we knew the injury report of both teams. We also know that the coach of the Retarded Rabbits complained about the dipshit refs. Just repugnant stuff from the professional basketball team in Indiana, and that’s enough about them.

Who is someone that Lord Voldemort was famous for torturing? Neville Longbottom’s parents? Garrick Ollivander the wandmaker? Karl Towns is one of those people. Karl Towns reminds Lord Voldemort of one of his nesting dolls 🪆that the orphanage operator gave him when Lord Voldemort went a month without causing a muggle to instantaneously burn to death. The nesting doll that turned into Lord Voldemort’s most prized possession. If there was anything that a young Tom Riddle felt an emotional attachment to, it was that nesting doll.

Why does Karl Towns Lord Voldemort’s human version of that childhood treasure? Because of how delightful it is for the Dark Lord to manipulate that retard on the basketball court. How many blocking fouls is Karl Towns going to make on Lord Voldemort?! Lord Voldemort doesn’t show it, but he delights in the fact that Karl Towns can be manipulated into committing those fouls. And the faces that Karl Towns makes after getting called for those fouls are more entertaining than the excellent hotel commercial featuring The Dark Lord and Payton Watson. In those moments following the whistle, Karl Towns has the facial expression of a mentally handicapped person who has only the smallest possible understanding of their handicap. Like, he can understand that he made a mess again and that it’s completely his fault, but any understanding of how to prevent it from happening or that what Karl Towns did was completely his fault, is just not feasible for the brain of Karl Towns. It’s like he kind of understands that he’s a fucking idiot, but only for a few seconds. Then he goes right back to being a fucking idiot.

How else could you explain Karl Towns hitching his financial wagon to Jordyn Woods? We’re just starting with Karl Towns, don’t fret.

Did you know that Karl Towns’ mom died of the CoCo? Since it was Mother’s Day, Karl was thinking about his mom so he had to tank the Timberwolves season in a game 4 that in hindsight, was their season. That’s not Karl’s fault though. His mom died three years ago and it was Mother’s Day so how could he not be too grief-stricken to throw the incredibly important basketball game that he is paid over twenty-five million post-tax dollars for? He can’t. Karl Towns is what Mike Conley describes as “emotional”. Mike Conley is the nicest man to ever play professional basketball and we could only dream of being like him. We aren’t, so we call Karl Towns “the biggest douchebag in the league. Someone who needs to be flogged in downtown Minnesota during the summer so that the entire population of the Twin Cities can watch their lovable retard cry from the pain”. Chris Paul’s grandpa died when Chris was in high school and Chris immediately scored over sixty points in a thirty-two-minute high school game. Karl Towns? He threw a playoff game three years after his mom died because it was Mother’s Day. It wasn’t even the anniversary of her death. Just a government-sanctioned day to remind people that their mothers went through unconscionable physical pain in order for them to be alive.

At the beginning of the game, there was a loose ball that was heading out-of-bounds, and Karl Towns dove for the ball in the wildest, most uncoordinated way that I’ve ever seen an NBA player dive for a loose ball. Of course, he should never be diving for loose balls because he can’t be risking injury for one possession. Not when he’s the “best-shooting big man” in the history of the league and the Timberwolves play French Rejection. Obviously, Karl Towns didn’t recover that loose ball. He didn’t really come close.

Did you know that Karl Towns had an imaginary friend when he played at Kentucky named Karlito? Yeah, that was a thing that was known during the lead-up to Karl’s draft. No one said what an ominous sign that was for Karl’s impact on an organization. It was just some cute little fact about Karl. No one who received income for writing about the NBA said that having an imaginary friend as a nineteen-year-old was probably an indicator that the nineteen-year-old was dumb in a way that made working with him impossible.

Did Karl Towns make one of the three charging violations that the Timberwolves committed in a span of a single minute? Of course, he was! There has never been a Charge Party that Karl Towns has not enthusiastically partaken in. Karl Towns loves to commit charges almost as much as he loves to commit blocking fouls against The Dark Lord! My goodness, maybe there was a sequence of three obvious, and almost consecutive, charging fouls against one team like the Timberwolves did yesterday, but I definitely can’t recall that. Maybe some statistics services that these large media companies employ can give us some insight into that. How there has never been an instance in NBA history of a team committing three charges in a minute of game time after the first round of the playoffs.

The other two knuckleheads who committed those charges? Jaden McDaniels (big dummy), and Naz Reid (he’s not stupid like Karl and Jaden).

Our Favorite Black Realtor had a knee-on-knee with Karl Towns and it caused Karl Towns to writhe around on the hardwood with a facial expression that made us think that he couldn’t play in the game anymore. Somehow Karl stayed in the game. The Timberwolves substitute teacher didn’t buy Karl’s histrionics. That, or the Timberwolves substitute teacher doesn’t give a fuck about Karl and wouldn’t give a single shit whether or not Karl died on the basketball court. Probably that.

When Karl had that seemingly obvious injury, the Nuggets didn’t matchup-hunt him when they had the ball despite Karl’s limp. It was really wild that the Wolves didn’t act with more urgency getting Karl out of the game because he couldn’t move like a regular person. Somehow, all Karl needed was to go on the exercise bike and his knee was fine again. When the broadcast showed Karl Towns on the exercise bike, he looked like the world’s biggest retard. Jordyn Woods is not going to help care look less stupid. She’s not cut from the same cloth that Gordon Hayward’s wife is.

I think that’s all from that dunce Karl Towns. Later, we’re going to have some fun on the Trade Machine with him but now is not the time for that. The slavemaster of the Timberwolves (Glen Taylor), better trade Karl’s retard ass after game 6.

Harry Potter has that nickname, and he’ll have it forever. That’s how nicknames work. They’re like contact names. Once they're saved, they need a life-or-death reason to be changed.

So HP is keeping that name despite how much he choked in that game 5. It’s just wild how Harry Potter dominated the first two games in Denver and now he’s just another schmuck on the Timberwolves. My goodness. If the world was a fair place, we’d stop having television shows that play Harry Potter post-game comments. Harry needs to spend the summer in the Dursley’s attic. Locked away from the public eye. But before that banishment, Harry needs to use some of his charm to make Glen Taylor trade Karl Towns. What would Michael Jordan do? What would Kobe Bryant (one of the biggest lies in NBA history) do? They’d inspire their owners to ship Karl Towns in a wooden box to Siberia (Toronto).

French Rejection wasn’t as big of a payoso as Karl Towns, but he was still an obvious payoso. Whenever Lord Voldemort is guarded by French Rejection one-on-one near the rim, Lord Voldemort breaks out his Dance Dance Revolution post-moves and scores two points for the Nuggets. The plus-minus stats say that French Rejection wasn’t the cause of the Timberwolves’ blown season, and he didn’t miss any of his seven field-goal attempts, but it’s really clear that French Rejection is helpless to stop Lord Voldemort. Who isn’t though? No one. And when Harry Potter isn’t inexplicably being the most powerful wizard of all time, Lord Voldemort is just free to say, “Avada Kedavra” whenever he pleases.

In game 5, Lord Voldemort’s killing curses took the form of and1’s. Mostly with fouls from French Rejection. How many and1’s did the Timberwolves commit against Lord Voldemort?! It felt like a bunch!

That water polo outlet pass that Lord Voldermort threw to Limp Dick was ridiculously accurate. How Lord Voldemort throws those things perfectly is just an incredible sight to behold. Thirteen assists, zero turnovers. That’s He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named! Goddamn, he’s amazing. All The Dark Lord needs is just a little bit of competence from Limp Dick and Nagini. When he gets that, the world is his. When he doesn’t, shit like games 1 and 2 happen.

Later in the game, Monte Morris tried to score against Lord Voldemort one-on-one and it ended with a shot that was not strong enough to get over the front of the rim. Monte played against Lord Voldemort and thought it would be a good idea to score on him. Sorry, Monte. Your ass is going to Azkaban.

Christian Brawny is reminding us why we root for that man. Wearing The Jalens and trying to kill people on the way to the rim. Brawny took it STRONG to the rim against Naz Reid and Naz barely prevented an and1. Later, there was an opportunity for Harry Potter to try and block a Christian Brawny dunk but Harry made a business decision and didn’t put himself in harm’s way. It’s always a surprise when Christian Brawny makes two free throws in a row, but my goodness, his rock-hard rack-attacks are a welcome changeup compared to Limp Dick and Boy Toy.

Nagini was excellent again. The sword of Gryffindor isn’t appearing for the Timberwolves in their time of need. Sorry.

That Tarzan putback dunk was great. Shout out to Harry Potter for just standing around and not interfering with Nagini swinging through the trees to slam that ball home.

There was a Nagini dunk during a fastbreak that Karl Towns thought he could prevent. Sorry, Karl. Nagini dunked on your ass. It’s funny watching Nagini and Karl get into heated moments. We’re obviously on Team Nagini.

Michael Malone got a humorous technical foul that didn’t end up mattering. More importantly, he made an excellent challenge. As someone who partakes in pointing out the really awful challenge decisions that coaches like Tom Thibodeau make, I’m compelled to give credit to Coach Michael Malone for calling out Gay Bill Kennedy on that truly terrible foul that was called on Our Favorite Black Realtor (four three-pointers made!!!). Gay Bill was on the opposite side of the baseline from where the play happened, and Lord Voldemort was standing in the way of Gay Bill’s sightline to the ball. Our Favorite Black Realtor got “nothing but pumpkin” but Gay Bill guessed and made an obviously terrible call. Challenge successful, free throws revoked. Challenges should only be made to take away free throws or to decide out-of-bounds possessions in the fourth quarter. Someone tell that to Tom Thibodeau.

We don’t like how Gay Bill lets every player and coach talk to him. Gay Bill needs to focus on the game in front of him and not flirting with the players and coaches.

Oh, Allie LaForce is an old thirty-five. She’s not aging well. Shout out to white women for aging in dog years after thirty.

Screw the Timberwolves.

CELTICS 🍀 (-14.5) over Cavs 🤺

Mavericks 🐴 (+4.5) over THUNDER ⛈️ (I’m escaping a completely optional bar hangout with coworkers who are all either fat or skinny-fat to watch this game. Yes, I’m an asshole. It’s my big problem in life.)

Day 27

Record: 33-30

2-0 yesterday. Whatever. We were just in a hellscape that felt like it was never going to end and also was felt the moment it began. We were eight games above five hundred last week and now we can’t feel happiness. We can’t feel hope. The best thing in the world could happen and it still wouldn’t matter because there was a stretch of picking games that felt like it had to have been 2-7. It hurt. It hurt so much that we may not be able to feel hopeful again.

Apparently, Marcus Morris almost prevented the Celtics from covering the spread that was available on the morning of game day. That line went to 15.5 later in the day but when we submitted our official pick, it was 14.5, so there. When there was about five minutes left in the game and the margin was five, we resigned ourselves to another losing prognostication. When we checked the final score at halftime of the Bestern Conference game and saw that the Celtics somehow increased the margin to 15, we felt a sliver of our soul returning to our body. So that’s nice.

It was so nice to see that OKC Coach finally found Jesus and took High School Dance Chaperone out of the starting lineup. It took him until game 5 when it should’ve been game 3, but it’s good that he still did it. OKC Coach also wore a black zip-up instead of white which suited him much more. Oh, and he didn’t do any intentional fouling of Dereck Lively so that’s good. He’s a fine coach. Not deserving of the award he got because the Thunder didn’t finish the regular season with the best record against the spread (that would be the black coach for the Magic), but a fine coach. Light years ahead of every remaining coach in the Leastern Conference.

What was so difficult to comprehend about reallocating High School Dance Chaperone’s playing time? Does OKC Coach have a daughter who insists that High School Dance Chaperone be given extreme leniency that he doesn’t deserve? Does OKC Coach think that High School Dance Chaperone makes a difference by inbounding the ball from out of bounds? I don’t know. High School Dance Chaperone turns the ball over, doesn’t make corner threes, doesn’t solve the Thunder defensive rebounding crisis, and doesn’t prevent PJ Washington from taking uncontested corner threes.

High School Dance Chaperone actually made a corner three and it helped him take the next attempt with obvious confidence. The kind of confidence befitting a man who just came inside the fourteen-year-old daughter of the coach who he plays for. That shot still didn’t go in. Now, it’s a lot to ask of a player to make two open corner threes in a row, but High School Dance Chaperone needs to do yeoman’s work like that to atone for being obviously unplayable for the entirety of his time on the court during this series. How is it that after one Australian bombed during a second-round playoff matchup with the Sixers and makes it crystal clear that he needs to be traded, another Australian plays in a second-round series years later, and makes it crystal clear that they need to be traded?! For the same reason! Nutty stuff from the land down under.

OKC Coach put Isaiah Joe in the starting lineup instead of Aaron Wiggins. Earlier, we noticed how it looks difficult for Isaiah Joe to attempt threes. It still feels like that. The box score says that he attempted ten shots so maybe that’s off base, but Isaiah Joe reminds us of a basketball player we played with a long time ago who constantly beat us in three-point competitions, but had a shooting for that didn’t lend itself to games. That player did absolute dick when games happened. They couldn’t comfortably attempt shots when bodies were flying around. Now, Isaiah Joe’s shooting form is flawless, but every time we watch him, it makes us think that he’s not athletic or tall enough to get off shots. That’s usually a White People Problem. Isaiah is black. Isaiah Joe is like the one black guy who doesn’t have a penis that makes white girls feel like it has drugs in it. So shout out to Isaiah I guess. Teaching all of us that stereotypes aren’t one hundred percent accurate.

It doesn’t make sense to us how the Mavs don’t hunt Isaiah Joe when the Mavs are on offense. It seems like a good strategy to have the guy Isaiah is guarding, set a screen for Kyrie or Lord Luka, but the Mavs don’t ruthlessly hunt Isaiah like that.

Remember when it was the first round of the playoffs and Rottweiler was coming through for us? When he was doing what he said he would and making the Thunder cover the games that we picked them to cover? When he was making us feel like when we died, we would enter the golden gates of heaven because we witnessed Rottweiler be so good at basketball that he was going to be Oklahoma City Black Jesus and guide us to the Promised Land? Yeah, that was a mirage. Maybe next year for Rottweiler. He’s absolutely let down the fire-breathing dragon that is Shai Gilgeous against the Mavs. Rottweiler isn’t solving the Thunder’s problem of excessive bricked threes, and when it’s late in the fourth quarter, Rottweiler is driving to the rim, becoming semi-open, and kicking the ball out to Cason Wallace instead of taking a tough layup that is his duty to take. Not great. That kick out to Cason led to some feckless swings along the three-point line before returning to Cason’s hands. That three-point attempt had no hope. It’s irresponsible to give Cason Wallace the responsibility of preserving the Thunder’s season by having him take threes in the fourth quarter. He made those shots in game 4, but it burned the Thunder at home yesterday.

Anyway, Rottweiler has proved all the people who were worrying about the collective age of the Thunder players, correct. The box score says that Rottweiler wasn’t bad from the field, but there were some issues. He didn’t attempt a free throw, and didn’t make a three. The Thunder has been ice-cold from three for this entire series, and Rottweiler hasn’t ameliorated that. It’s kind of wild that he didn’t attempt a free throw. What he did attempt yesterday was a layup that hit the backboard but not the rim, which isn’t great. We see the difficulty that the Thunder have with taking easy shots, and we blame Rottweiler. He wasn’t ready for this, and while it’s asking a lot of him at his current age to be ready for a series like this, the fact remains that he wasn’t up to snuff against a real playoff team.

Now, Rottweiler absolutely had what might be the top play of the day with that throw-down in Daniel Gafford’s face, but one highlight doesn’t atone for the lack of performance that Rottweiler has given his team. It also doesn’t atone for Rottweiler wearing mismatched shoes. That’s never a good look. Shout out to Adidas for signing Rottweiler. You’d think that Rottweiler is too good for Adidas, but I guess Adidas is signing all of the good, young American players who are black. Thanks, Adidas. Those latest Little Game James shoes are also kind of cool.

The other reason that the Thunder look like they’re playing a normal game but then you look at the score to find out that the Thunder have thirty points with five minutes left in the second quarter is Haitian Scarface. Haitian Scarface is right there with Rottweiler in terms of how much they scammed all of us into believing in them after a first-round series that had them go against the corpse of the Pelicans. Haitian Scarface loves to crash into the stanchion of the basket when he makes wild, uncontrolled layup attempts. It leaves the Thunder in a numbers disadvantage on the following Mavs fastbreaks. No, Haitian Scarface does not usually make his wild layup attempts. There were a lot of missed field goal attempts from Haitian Scarface and a good portion of those were ill-advised forays to the rim that led to easy Mavs points. With the season hanging in the balance during the fourth quarter, Haitian Scarface air-balled a three. There might have even been other air-balls from Haitian Scarface yesterday. Maybe we got ahead of ourselves when we effusively praised Sam Presti for ensuring that Haitian Scarface would remain a Thunder bulwark for years to come. We still stand by our initial belief in Haitian Scarface, but we acknowledge that we got ahead of ourselves with our praise of him.

Shai Gilgeous is absolutely a fire-breathing dragon. It’s wild seeing a player induce so much fear from an opponent by making every single midrange fadeaway. It’s nutty stuff. Shai Gilgeous might have the best balance in the NBA. He never falls down when he’s dribbling around a defense. He seems to be the best in the league at slithering through two defenders in tight quarters. Lord Luka had an exasperated look on his face after on of Shai Gilgeous’ successful forays to the rim. Lord Luka was like, “Come on guys, it can’t be that easy for him”. Then Lord Luka blocked Shai’s shit at the end of the game to seal the win for the Mavs. That block was incredible and it was more incredible because Lord Luka made it. The sports television shows where people dress up in suits and talk about sports need to show replays of that scream from Lord Luka. Then they need to praise that Slovenian National Hero for playing that game he played in Oklahoma City. We had all lost hope that Lord Luka would make threes like he did yesterday. Thirty-foot catch-and-shoots, and step-backs over a hopeless Aaron Wiggins. Lord Luka was the man we fell in love with yesterday. The man whose highlights we would watch while getting high and leaving to play basketball. God bless Lord Luka. Hopefully, he can keep this up.

Lord Luka was actually not an unconscionable horror with his interactions with the refs. Usually, that stuff doesn’t last, but Lord Luka acted like an adult yesterday. Maybe Koach Kidd helped Lord Luka understand that he can’t be so obviously cantankerous with the officials. Oh, yeah, Lord Luka threw a three-quarters court ally-oop. That was wild. Lord Luka’s lob game is second to none in the NBA. Really, in the world. There was also a cross-court pass that happened while the Mavs were on offense. I’m not sure if it was a pass or an errant shot attempt, but if what I saw was what I think I saw, Lord Luka was stumbling out of bounds along the sideline and then the ball went to the other sideline and into the hands of another Mavs player. I’m pretty sure that the pass didn’t lead to a made basket but it was a sight to behold nonetheless.

The three-quarters court ally-oop was to Dereck Lively and there were a bunch of other lobs to Lively that emasculated the Thunder. In addition to being a serious lob threat, Lively seems to always tap offensive rebound opportunities. The Thunder are powerless to keep Derek Lively off the glass. Dereck also made his free throws yesterday! Do you know how Karl Towns can’t help but tank the Timberwolves season because his mom died years ago from the CoCo? Well, Dereck Lively lost his mother in legitimately tragic circumstances and he’s saving the Mavericks’ season weeks after it happened. Maybe we can not be so unwilling to point out this fact. How the Mavericks managed to draft a very fast and athletic seven-foot man who can make free throws like Dereck Lively is a condemnation of Duke University.

Derrick Jones?!?! Derrick Jones!!! That man made threes, he BLOCKED a Chet Holmgren three-point attempt and then got a run-out dunk from it, and just made a bunch of his shots! Derrick Jones was amazing yesterday and the bro hug that Lord Luka gave Derrick after the game ended was obviously a grateful embrace. Lord Luka needed Derrick Jones to step up and Derrick STEPPED UP. Pray to God that Derrick can stay with the Mavericks and also continue playing well on the Mavericks' path to the conference finals.

Someone who didn’t step up for the MAvericks was Tim Hardaway Jr. He has one of the coolest shots in the league but he had some bad misses yesterday. Some wide-open airballs were attempted off of Lord Luka passes, and some wild attempts were taken with time remaining on the shot clock. Tim Hardaway Jr has an obvious connection with Kyrie Irving and an obvious bad chemistry with Lord Luka. The Mavs would trade his ass if they could.

PJ Washington might get a nickname if he plays well in game 6. We have the nickname in mind, but we need another game to bestow PJ Washington with the honor. We’re fresh off giving a couple of possibly undeserved nicknames to Thunder players, and now we’re waiting a little but longer to award players with that mark of recognition.

PJ continued to break the Thunder’s hopes and dreams with corner threes and dunks that came after offensive rebounds. PJ is playing like a goddamn man right along with Derrick Jones. This Mavericks lineup with Lord Luka, Kyrie, PJ, Derrick, and Dereck Lively is something fierce. That’s a lot of big people who are also athletic. When Lord Luka is making threes like he did yesterday, that lineup becomes something that is a worthy adversary to the Nuggets.

Maybe people are trepidatious to say this, but the Thunder crowd isn’t great. There were a bunch of empty seats in the lower bowl before the final buzzer and even with the starters out, that’s not something that a truly appreciative home crowd does when their team is possibly playing its last home game of the season. Truly appreciative fans would soak in the moment, even if it wasn’t what they wanted. Shame on the people of Oklahoma City for not staying until the end. They bring a bad name to the fans of other “small markets”. Fans like the ones in Sacramento would never dream of leaving early if they were in the shoes of the Oklahoma City faithful.

Shout out to the Love’s Kiss Cam. Clearly, the gasoline that Love’s fracks in the heartland of America brings tremendous riches to the people involved in that company because their logo is all over these Thunder games. Those Love’s-inspired jerseys were gross and so was the court color scheme. That silhouette of Oklahoma was something that was better left off of the court.

Nuggets ⛏️ (+2.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (of course I’m watching every second of this game. Batten down the hatches.)

Day 28

Record: 33-31

We had to stop watching that game after Harry Potter shook Boy Toy out of his shoes and dunked the ball one minute into the second half. In retrospect, we should’ve stopped watching after Limp Dick tore his elbow ligaments after a screen against French Rejection.

RETARDED RABBITS 🐇 (-6.5) over Knicks 👖

Day 29

Record: 34-31

🎶You got a fast car

Is it fast enough so you can fly away?

You still gotta make a decision

Leave tonight, or live and die this way 🎶

Our time together is coming to an end. Before we know it, our daily debriefings will come to a close. Nothing but a fond memory that we can’t be sure will be back again. You will go on reading whatever dreck Big Corporate Media shoves down your throat and I will go on reading books trying to find the next Devil Wears Prada. We’ll both hope that we can rendezvous back here next year but we all know my mediocre (at best) predictions of the future. Even if I say, “same time, next year”, we both know that means absolute dick.

So let’s enjoy this moment. This time when I’m not being distracted by opulent corporate retreats in places that require drinking two gallons of water a day to survive. When the people who pay me an absurd amount of American Dollars aren’t getting in the way of our sacred mind melds. Where I’m living with decisions to back the Retarded Rabbits at home and making the time to bask in that prognostication.

“Kill yourself for that Retarded Rabbits pick, my goodness. Do you really think that fraud Hazel is going to beat General Woundwort? General Woundwort is on a mission to show everyone that the Knicks can beat haphazard teams and deserve a chance to get reamed by this Celtics team.”

“I got caught cheating on an AWS exam just now.”

Yes, the Editor was extremely disappointed with me picking the Retarded Rabbits yesterday. That’s perfectly understandable. What they don’t understand is that we love the way it makes us feel when we pick the Retarded Rabbits when they lay points and then refuse to play serious defense. We love how the disgust flows through our bodies when Hazel is choosing to do the dumbest possible thing on defense and thus allowing every Knicks player to take uncontested layups. Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re absolutely taking the Knicks in the city, but in Indianapolis, we take the Retarded Rabbits.

You should be thinking to yourself, “Play serious defense? That’s not very specific! Mr. Carson, we don’t read this shit to hear you say ambiguous things that we could find reading ESPN. We come here to listen to you say who was raised by a bad mother and explain ‘unserious defense’ in a way that an eight-year-old boy (or twenty-two-year-old woman) could understand. Cut the shit, Mr. Carson.”

Since we have already brought up Hazel Haliburton, we’ll start by detailing the specifics of his poor choices on the defensive end of the floor.

When the Knicks get defensive rebounds and are running in transition, Hazel sometimes finds himself in a position to make a decision. Either run back to the basket to make some slight effort to curtail an open rim-run, or pressure the dribbler in a way that slows them down enough so that legitimate rim protection gets time to get back on defense. What Hazel likes to do is take a half-measure. He likes to make one choice and then change his mind and go along another avenue of that particular decision tree. It leads to him getting blown by because, in his indecision, Hazel accomplishes nothing. Hazel will make an initial burst toward the ball handler but then reverse course and head toward the rim. Doing that accomplishes nothing. Hazel might as well not be on the court if he’s going to abstain from decisions like that on defense.

To go along with those calamities in transition defense, Hazel will impulsively double-team the ball when the Retarded Rabbits are playing defense. Double-teaming the ball against a professional team leads to open shooters, or worse, opponents with an open freeway to the rim. You can’t have that.

Another blunder that Hazel delights in making is going after the same loose balls that Josh Hart goes after. Hazel really likes doing this because when he dives on the floor in an effort to gain possession of the ball, he gets praised by people. They say nonsense like, “Thanks Hazel! You’re willing to put your body on the line to help us get the basketball!” Those are lies that people tell Hazel and he’s too stupid to see through them. What happens in reality when Hazel tries to win loose-ball scrums against Josh Hart is Josh Hart gaining possession of the ball and the dude Hazel was guarding getting the ball with Hazel splayed on the ground. In yesterday’s case, Hazel was guarding Donte DiVincenzo in the corner. So when Josh Hart calmly grabbed the ball out of Hazel’s WEAK hands, Josh calmly passed to an open Donte in the corner. Of course, that three was a perfect swish. Donte will make open threes. Especially when he knows what's coming. Knows that Josh is about to wrestle away possession of the basketball from the weakest player in this series and pass to him for a corner three. Donte had time to visualize his swish and when he has that time, Donte is probably a 60% three-point shooter.

Those are the mental mistakes that Hazel makes. Those don’t even get into the issues that Hazel has as someone with the strength of a twelve-year-old boy playing against men. Or Hazel’s reticence to lower his ass to the ground and laterally slide his feet in an attempt at staying between his mark, and the rim.

The only defensive rebounds that Hazel gets are the kind that are uncontested. When every Knick is running back to play transition defense. When there are already two Pacers around the rim. Hazel relishes taking credit for those easy rebounds.

There’s also some real dumb stuff that Hazel Haliburton does on offense which mostly centers around his utter refusal to attempt semi-open layups so that he can pass out to teammates at the three-point line. It’s extremely predictable that Hazel does this. All of the Knicks know that Hazel doesn’t want to attempt shots near the rim. The Knicks know it because I can see it on the screen and if I can see that, the Knicks know that. It’s really obvious that Hazel is only looking to pass. It’s disgusting. There are people who hunt assists like that, and it’s the worst kind of selfishness. The kind of selfishness that some stupid people conflate with being “team-first”. That’s the worst. Incompetence wrapped in passability. It’s just repulsive to us.

Before the games in Indiana start, Hazel has a big fucking smile on his face. The smile of a person who has no care in the world about how during the previous game, they refused to participate. No consciousness of how he let his team down in game 5. It’s repulsive. Next year in the preseason, we’re all going to forget about what a shitshow Hazel Haliburton was in these playoffs. Let’s try to remember this. When people who get paid to write about basketball start saying that these playoffs were a “learning experience” for Hazel, we’ll have a “wait and see” mentality. There’s something wrong inside Hazel and we’re not going to be easily dissuaded from that notion because we’re writing that down. That Hazel Haliburton is a real faggot. That he had a big smile on his face before game 6 despite making a poopy in game 5. Even with that abhorrent effort from game 5, Hazel still only attempted twelve shots, four of which were two-point attempts.

Now it’s time for the second-in-command of the Retarded Rabbits. Myles Turner. The dumb stuff that Myles does is mostly centered around jogging back on defense and not arriving at the rim at an appropriate time. It’s awful watching General Woundwort dribble around his defender and still get to the rim before Myles bothers to get back on defense. Myles Turner is one of those NBA bigs who can’t lower his ass on defense (even though he does Yoga like a proper Gay Man) and thus, gets blown by whenever he’s guarding someone away from the basket. And of course, Myles probably has some kind of respiratory condition that prevents him from exerting himself in an effort to recover from blow-bys. But don’t worry about the offensive end. When Myles has an opportunity to cut to the rim without the ball, he’ll make that effort. Those dunks that he gets against an exhausted, collapsed Knicks defense are the motivation that Myles needs to actually run. Gross stuff from Myles. Seeing Myles Turner play basketball makes us like Patrick Beverly for saying that he is one of the Whitest Black NBA players. Seeing Myles Turner play basketball helps you understand how he decides to wear what he wears during postgame press conferences. How are there no pictures on the internet of Myles Turner clubbing in West Hollywood?! After Myles retires, and the AIDS in his body inspires him to hire a Jew to write his “autobiography” as a faggot in the NBA, let’s not pretend to feel sorry for Myles. That dude is the dictionary definition of skinny fat. God forbid he box out Isaiah Hartenstein for a defensive rebound. There are times when three Retarded Rabbits are not enough to prevent Isaiah Hartenstein from grabbing offensive rebounds and that’s just Leastern Conference basketball!

Yeah, Myles had some good dunks, and even some made threes. He’s not someone who we want on our team. Give us Isaiah Hartenstein. Give us Alperen Segun. Give us my stepson. Give us Ivica Zubac. Let Myles Turner toil away in the anonymity that Indianapolis provides.

Myles Turner was moving slowly yesterday when he wasn’t cutting to the rim for dunks. He never bothered to contest General Woundwort at the rim. Myles is unintuitive and moves lethargically. He moves like he has an extra twenty pounds of fat. He’ll help in pressing but be too slow and nonchalant to get his fat, black ass back to protect the rim. That’s another detail that shows how they’re the Retarded Rabbits. Myles Turner thinks that he can press the fast people on the Knicks. My goodness. What is Rick Carlisle doing if he’s not imploring Myles Turner to never press? That Myles has moobs that prevent him from doing anything athletic like stealing the ball from an NBA ball-handler. Jesus Christ. Rick Carlisle is however old he is but he belongs in an Old Folks Home. That dude used to be an excellent coach but time has come for him. He’s old now and his mind is mush. You can tell by looking at him when he’s yelling about the officiating. It’s tough to look at that man. There’s too much loose skin and too much of a Turkey Neck. The baldness doesn’t help. My God, that man should not be allowed in public. Let alone be put in the spotlight in the manner that NBA coaches are during games. He’s gross.

That ridiculousness that Rick Carlisle was doing just before halftime was so dumb. With six seconds left in the second quarter, Rick takes out TJ and subs in Hazel because it’s an offensive possession and Rick has the idea stuck in his geriatric brain that Hazel is better than TJ on offense. What does Hazel do with that six-second possession? He dribbles some time off the clock and passes to a teammate. What else would he do other than hand a shot-clock grenade to a teammate?! That teammate was Obi Toppin and he traveled (or something). The Knicks got the ball back at midcourt. Rick subs TJ BACK IN THE GAME for Hazel! General Woundwort misses a difficult three-point attempt with TJ guarding him. It was some real clown shit from Rick Carlisle. He’ll stick around this Retarded Rabbits team but don’t say that I didn’t tell you that Rick Carlisle’s days as a contributing coach have long passed. Misguided substitutions, ugly-looking complaining, opining about “small market” bias, and that old-man staple of getting into uncontrollable tantrums of rage. Screw Rick Carlisle. He’s no good.

Aaron Nesmith continues to just run around and bang into things. He’s not coordinated. Aaron Nesmith needs to go to the Mat Pilates class that Nino Brown and I teach on Sunday mornings. Aaron Nesmith and Tin Man, although Aaron is more fluid than Tin Man. The hip mobility in Aaron Nesmith’s body is just substandard. It shows when he tries to dribble. Any time he tries to change direction or stop and start. That’s a man with creaky joints.

Every time Aaron Nesmith tries to dribble, it’s most likely going to lead to a turnover. Pascal Siakam is much more skilled with the ball than Aaron Nesmith.

Those dreads that Aaron has, need to be cut. Aaron looks like he enjoys the feeling of shaking his head and having his dreadlocks violently swing around in the air. It’s a moment of chaos that only inspires the clumsiness of Aaron Nesmith on a basketball court.

The Retarded Rabbits actually won by a lot, but even in comfortable victories, we have to point out the compromised mental faculties of three-fifths of their starting five.

Pascal Siakam was excellent! It turns out that when you allow Miles McBride and General Woundwort to switch onto Pascal near the basket, Pascal can turn that size mismatch into and1’s. Imagine if Karl Towns could consistently do that like Pascal Siakam! Pascal was also very comfortable taking eighteen-footers. We actually don’t mind when Pascal shoots that shot. The Retarded Rabbits need more comfortable shots like that and less desperate kick outs by Hazel that lead to threes. The Retarded Rabbits have a problem with “establishing the run” in football terms. They avoid attempting shots close to the rim or wide-open fifteen-footers, and Pascal Siakam might be one of the only Retarded Rabbits who can pull them out of that flawed gameplan. Plaudits to Pascal!

It’s TJ Time!

That’s a sign that the fans of the Retarded Rabbits bring to the games. TJ didn’t really increase the margin of the lead while he was playing yesterday but he was an absolute joy. With about ten minutes less of playing time, he still had one more shot attempt than Hazel. That’s because TJ is willing to take charge. He’s willing to take responsibility for winning. Unlike that faggot Hazel Haliburton.

TJ was smiling after one of the many incredible Obi Toppin dunks in a way that made us quite happy. We love it when TJ smiles. We love it when TJ screams. We love TJ on a boat. We Love TJ on a bus. Loving TJ is a must. Thinking of TJ makes us bust.

So yeah, we’re right there with the good people of Indianapolis with their cult-worship of TJ McConnell. That crowd erupts like an EDC festival when the beat drops when McConnell comes in a fucks the club up. If I was wearing one of those yellow shirts and standing in attendance in that fieldhouse, I would jump around and pump my arms like I was at a rave after every made McConnell twelve-foot jump shot. Can TJ inspire the people of Indianapolis to burn down the city from unadulterated joy if the Retarded Rabbits win game 7 being carried on his back?

Even the refs who give every call to the Knicks aren’t afraid to award obvious blocking calls to TJ. It was shocking when the dipshit refs (rightfully) called that blocking foul on General Woundwort against TJ at the end of the third quarter.

Seconds after the halftime buzzer sounded, TJ swished a half-court heave. He’s just amazing.

There’s not really a lot to say about the Knicks players. They’re outmatched in terms of talent and they require their home crowd to turn the Retarded Rabbits into catatonic chimps in order to win these games. Yes, fucking Miles McBride is better than Hazel Haliburton but that still is only six functioning players for the Knicks. And now there’s not even that since Josh Hart ruptured his appendix fighting for a rebound with Pascal. Seriously, rupturing your appendix is barely enough to get that dumbass Tom Thibodeau to rest Josh Hart. My goodness, that guy is a real dumbass. Tom Thibodeau is another one of those people whose bullshit stupid people love to buy. He’s burning this team to the ground and there’s zero chance that the Knicks will get a new coach because they buy his bullshit about “conditioning” his players to play forty-eight minutes a game. The Knicks need another year of season-ending injuries for every player to understand that you can’t have Tom Thibodeau as your coach after his first year of making the playoffs. Oh well. Josh Hart freaking ruptured his appendix and Tom Thibodeau was still putting him back into the game. Jesus Christ. Oh, and with the Knicks down twenty points in the fourth quarter and the game obviously out of hand, Tom was too obtuse to pull his good players so that maybe they could have some extra burst for game 7. When there was seven minutes left in the fourth, it was malpractice that Tom Thibodeau still had General Woundwort in the game. It took until there was less than four minutes of game time for Tom Thibodeau to finally take out his needle-moving players. When the Retarded Rabbits are running the “Only Dunks” offense with your team down twenty and less than ten minutes left in the fourth quarter, that means the game is over, Tom! Fuck! If I was a Knicks fan, I’d organize a professional hit to be put on Tom Thibodeau. You can’t win have hope with him as your head coach. Let alone make a serious run to the championship. This Knicks team has players who can get to The Finals but they’ll keep Tom Thibodeau as their head coach so they’ll do this again next year. Except maybe next year, there might be another team besides the Celtics that doesn’t burn to the ground.

Hazel Haliburton made a three and followed it up by screaming at Tom Thibodeau. Tom started getting a legitimate erection so he called a timeout so that his players could rest. Just kidding! He called that timeout to get an ice pack on his testicles. Tom can’t afford to be seen on national television with an erection that was caused by Hazel Haliburton screaming at him.

Malika Andrews is the host during pregame and halftime of these Leastern Conference semifinal games. She still hasn’t gotten implants.

Why doesn’t the hot chick in the interracial couple for these Wingstop commercials, suck off her man right there on the couch after they’re done eating chicken wings in the commercial. Is that against the rules for a cable broadcast? Is there going to be a “parody” pornographic film made based on that Wingstop commercial where a super-hot Asian woman who looks like she has some white in her, sucks off her black boyfriend on a couch with some chicken wings on the living room table? That's a couple that knows what it means to be living. He definitely has a fast car. They'll make a deal and together, they'll get somewhere.

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-3.5) over Thunder ⛈️

Day 30

34-32

That Mavs-Thunder game made us drowsy. It was a hard game to watch, let alone comprehend.

KNICKS 👖 (-3.5) over Retarded Rabbits 🐇

BATTLE OF HOGWARTS 🪄 🧙🏿‍♂️ 🧙🏿‍♀️-

Timberwolves 🐺 (+4.5) over NUGGETS ⛏️ (We're watching this game. Not a second of the other one.)

Day 31

Record: 35-33

“Yer a wizard Harry.”

That’s right, nigga! That’s Harry Fucking Potter! We christened him, and we picked him to cover that game 7 on the road against Tom Riddle! Never a doubt about Harry Potter! Goddamn, that was an incredible game to behold.

There was too much temptation to be vindicated with our christening of Harry Potter, not to pick the Timberwolves in Denver. Are you telling me that we had the chance to be vindicated by identifying The Boy Who Lived by picking his side in a game 7? Sorry, but if that opportunity is on the table, we don’t care how imprudent picking road teams to cover game 7s is. We’re taking the shot at being proven as an oracle. So shout out to me, the oracle of nicknames.

Before we dive into the Battle Of Hogwarts, let us give thanks to the Retarded Rabbits for putting General Woundwort and the Knicks out of their misery. My goodness, that was great to see. Nothing trumps our distaste for Tom Thibodeau running his players into the ground while the general public lauds him for “being tough on his players”, or “conditioning them to play forty-five minutes a game”. There are loads of stupid people in this world who buy that poppycock. Who turn Tom Thibodeau into something that he is very far away from. “Sharp Tactician” is something that we call yours truly during a Stratego game. Not something that we would characterize Tom Thibodeau as on a basketball court. Screw that dude. Thank God that the Knicks are out of our lives. Even if it means that the Retarded Rabbits have to stay with us for another week and a half, it’s worth it.

Googling “Knicks fire Tom Thibodeau” only results in an official-looking FanDuel poll on The Twitter. No professional is suggesting that Tom Thibodeau be fired for rubbing his black-tar pixie dust on this legitimate Knicks team. That the Knicks could be a serious contender if they had some testicles in their leadership positions. That if they got a regular NBA coach, they could make the Finals instead of having every single one of their legitimate players end the season in the infirmary. Ok, enough with the Leastern Conference. Fire Tom Thibodeau. He should’ve been the Wizards coach yesterday.

OK, I need to say this again. I’ve said this before and gone back on it, so what I’m about to say means absolute dick. It’s just that I need to say it. Maybe this time it will stick.

Limp Dick needs to stop being played around with on the trade machine. Yes, I know that I’ve already promised not to make fake trades involving Limp Dick, and after the first two games of this series, I absolutely tested out trading him for Trae Young. That needs to stop. Limp Dick came through for Lord Voldemort yesterday. Now, he absolutely played awful at the very start of the game, but once he started shooting threes instead of close shots, he got rolling. He just had to miss a two-hand dunk attempt before getting back to serviceable aid of The Dark Lord. Over thirty points in that game. Even Limp Dick’s biggest hater 🙋 can’t do anything but offer empty promises of faith after that kind of effort.

After Limp Dick missed that dunk attempt, we were having sultry basketball fantasies about trading him for Lonzo Ball, Ayo Dosunmu, and Jevon Carter. Then turning around and transforming Boy Toy into LaMelo so that the Ball Brothers could reunite in Denver. Maybe the Nuggys could figure out a way to get Onyeka Okongwu for a proper Chino Hills Basketball reunion. God, that would be just fantastic. Fine, I’m done. Seriously, I need to stop.

Yesterday, the Timberwolves dared Limp Dick to be a competent player by doubling Lord Voldemort and telling Limp Dick that they were going to live with him taking open shots. Limp Dick made enough of them to win.

Now, Limp Dick absolutely got pickpocketed by HARRY POTTER at the end of the third quarter in a way that led to a breakaway dunk. It was a stark reminder of how Limp Dick is slow and unathletic. Yes, we understand that Limp Dick has some serious poster dunks in his past, but we just watched this series. There are lots of moments when Limp Dick can’t dribble because he’s so much less of an athlete than Harry Potter, Jaden McDaniels, and NAW.

Do you know who didn’t make enough wide-open shots to win the game for Lord Voldemort? Of course you do. Boy Toy. My goodness, did he get a bunch of people to take his player prop unders so that his family could afford all of the legal fees and bail money for his brothers all either going to jail or committing serious crimes?! There’s, like, ten Porter children. Half of those are probably boys, and of those five, four have either gone to jail, gotten expelled from the NBA, or gotten serious DUIs. The legal fees have to be adding up now.

Boy Toy has been missing every open three for the entirety of the playoffs. He did the same thing last year. Coach Michael Malone keeps playing Christian Brawny over him, and last year, Coach Michael Malone routinely played Brucey over Boy Toy. Pray to God that the Nuggets front office can go on Boy Toy’s awful YouTube show one day, and trade his ass to Charlotte the next day. Or Atlanta. Those are really the only two options for trade destinations with the Nuggets since they’re what The Rules classify as “Fucked/Not allowed to make trades”. Maybe LaMelo might not be the best fit alongside Limp Dick, but Boy Toy only misses open threes, refuses to pass, and can’t bend down or dribble without turning it over. He’s a problem that needs to be addressed (i.e. shipped out of Denver International Airport in a wooden box).

There was a momentary epiphany during game 7 where we found clarity. A moment in time when we understood that Boy Toy was the next Tobias Harris. Great size, and smooth shooting, but no soul. No ability to be there when it matters. Now, Boy Toy actually gets rebounds and blocks and also is a better (and more willing) three-point shooter, but Boy Toy has given Lord Voldemort too many backbreaking disappointments. He’s not, and never has been, an adequate Death Eater.

There was one three-point attempt from Boy Toy during the second half that hit nothing but the backboard. Don’t give me this shit about Boy Toy having to go through “a lot” off the court. We don’t give a flying fuck about “off-the-court”. If Derek Lively can deliver for the Mavs after his mom tragically dies AS A ROOKIE, Boy Toy can persevere through all of his brothers being too stupid to stay free men. God, it burns my soul that I used to think that Boy Toy was the Truth. Fuck him. He’s another example of a player who would be immediately traded if we were owners of his professional basketball team because he started a boring media venture. Boy Toy is building up a tattoo sleeve of ugly tattoos.

Nagini was right there alongside Boy Toy in the caravan of disappointing Nuggets. Did I give Nagini that nickname last year because I’m the oracle, and I knew that Nagini would lose a series by disappointing The Dark Lord in a crucial, high-stress moment? Of course I did. I’m the oracle (not the POG). I was one of those people who invested in Nvidia in 2021. Not because my stock strategy is “Copy Mr. Pelosi”, but because I’m the goddamn oracle. Five shot attempts from Nagini in game 7. Less than one-fifth of the attempts by Limp Dick. Zero free throw attempts. Nagini got murked by Neville Fucking Longbottom yesterday, just like I proselytized.

Lord Voldemort was nothing less than the best player in the world yesterday. It is what we’ve come to expect from The Dark Lord. He will never let us down. Somehow, he gets every rebound. Even if there are three, very large Timberwolves around The Dark Lord, he’ll figure out a way to grab that goddamn ball. His hands never fail to secure possession of the basketball. It’s truly incredible to watch.

There would have been a lot more assists by The Dark Lord if Boy Toy wasn’t such a repugnant basketball player. The only flaw in Lord Voldemort’s effort yesterday was his inability to hit threes. The Nuggets needed him to hit four of those because they were absolutely wide-open.

That’s enough about the Nuggets.

The fact that the Nuggets’ local dee-jay uses an HP laptop for sets, makes us laugh. What kind of dee-jay uses an HP?! Not one with any self-respect, that’s freaking obvious.

Between music sets from a dee-jay using an HP laptop, the Nuggets’ intermission entertainment includes honoring retired Army lieutenants who are women. The kind of shriveled, old woman who has long past the point where they should be allowed to be stationary in public. There needs to be an authority (me) that awards old people licenses regarding their presence in public. Under my rule, Olds will have permits that allow them the freedom to sit in public spaces. Lack of the proper permits will be met with swift execution. The ability to be stationary in a place that harbors other people is a right that people earn by taking care of themselves. If that work is not put in, freedoms should be curtailed. That woman who the Nuggets gave a plaque to was definitely one of those Olds who would not be given a permit to sit outside at a gelato shop.

Harry Potter fulfilled the prophecy, but he missed a lot of bad fadeaway attempts. He also botched the end of the first half by missing a fastbreak layup when the shot clock was off, which led to a rare make inside the key by Limp Dick. It didn’t end up coming back to bite the Timberwolves, but that could’ve easily been two less points in the Nuggets’ final tally.

At the beginning of the first quarter, Harry Potter pulled Jaden McDaniels off the ground after getting a shooting foul and seemed to be kissing the back of Jaden’s neck as he pulled him off the ground. That’s leadership!

Harry Potter came alive down the stretch but the shooting stats tell the story of what happened yesterday regarding Harry’s offensive effort. Six for twenty-four. Yeah, Harry was a big reason why the Timberwolves were running the “Don’t Score For Five Minutes” offense that the Thunder showed us on Saturday.

Another reason that the Timberwolves were running the DSFFM offense during the first half was French Rejection. The broadcast took great joy in highlighting French Rejection after he was a clear offensive anchor on the Timberwolves during that first half. The cameramen were seemingly saying, “Look at this payoso! The Timberwolves! LOL.” There was an extremely uncoordinated two-step that preceded a bricked layup. There was a misguided pivot move that led to a hopeless shot in the key. When French Rejection fails on offense, it’s very loud. On one possession, Harry Potter passed French Rejection after a screen, and French Rejection pissed away that possession in a way that made you wonder if Harry could ever trust French Rejection again. However, the second half happened.

If French Rejection didn’t have a nickname already, he could definitely hold “Severus Snape” as a moniker because of how much he played the part of a double agent. My goodness, during the second half, French Rejection made a bunch of critical free throws. Makes that we could never expect from Nagini (or even Christian Brawny). Those were some major crunch-time makes from French Rejection.

Do the Timberwolves always get into the bonus with seven minutes left in the quarter because the Nuggets can’t help themselves and are constantly throwing French Rejection to the ground during rebounding scrums?

Oh, and there was an end-of-shot-clock shot by French Rejection that he made. It was the shot that Lord Voldemort invented. The Sombor Shuffle. When French Rejection made that shot, we were sure that the world was ending.

The second block that French Rejection had, led to a layup from Harry Potter that was one of his six made shots. If anyone in your life has been someone who dismissed French Rejection as a player who drove serious winning, today is the day to kindly remind them that they know absolute dick about basketball. This person is someone who holds French Rejection’s old running mate, Frodo Baggins, in high regard.

Let them eat cake.

We look at the box score, and we watched the game, but we still don’t fully buy Karl Towns. His stats were great. He absolutely played a critical role in bringing the Timberwolves back into the game between the second and third quarters, but we still dismiss Karl Towns. Maybe trading him for Trae Young and the number-one pick isn’t the greatest idea, but if the Timberwolves did that, the world would probably be a better place. Probably. Karl made too many shots yesterday for that to be an absolute certainty.

When Karl Towns screams at Scott Foster about a foul call, Karl looks down to the ground when he’s screaming. Not in the direction of Scott. At his feet. It looks like how a retard would go about handling disagreements with vocalization. By looking at their feet while screaming. If Harry Potter can put up with Karl Towns every day, then I guess he can stay on the team, but Harry Potter needs to be recognized for his heroic perseverance in the face of Karl Towns’ mental handicap. The broadcast made sure to show Karl Towns sitting on the bench wrapped in a team jacket. We appreciated those close-ups.

The Pillsbury dough boy acting as the Timberwolves’ substitute teacher benched Karl Towns during the last six minutes of the fourth quarter for Naz Reid (hold on), and we were thinking, “Thanks Pillsbury Coach! Karl needs to not be on the floor right now!”

French Rejection fouled out so Karl had to come back in the game, and Karl absolutely made too many shots to be thought of as someone to trade, but it’s impossible for us to think of Karl Towns as someone who we want on our team. Sorry, not sorry. At least he still wears Hyperdunks. Those shoes were awesome and it’s shameful that Nike has discontinued them.

Jaden McDaniels subtly made two shots a quarter and was a quarter of the Timberwolves’ offense. Incredible, albeit kind of quiet, game from Jaden. Harry Potter was right to say that Jaden was the equal of thirty-five-year-old Durantula. Harry Potter is rightfully grateful that he has Jaden on his team. If you look closely at Jaden, you’ll see that he’s barely shorter than Karl Towns despite having the agility of the smaller Timberwolves athletes. Jaden is good. Don’t forget it. Oh, I think he tried a self alley-oop off the bounce at the end of this game. He absolutely got fouled before he could put it down. Has a player ever ended a game 7 by trying the kind of self alley-oop that Jaden tried?! Lmao.

OK, Naz Freaking Reid. He absolutely won The Battle Of Hogwarts for Harry Potter yesterday. My goodness. Our Favorite Black Realtor tried to poke an eye out of Naz Reid and Naz Reid still made both free throws. You can trust Naz Reid with your life. That’s the kind of man Naz Reid is. No wonder the Timberwolves’ faithful are getting tattoos of his name. He’s a cult hero, and he should be.

Limp Dick kept getting stuck guarding Naz Reid and Naz punished him with made baskets close to the rim. Yeah, having Limp Dick guard large men like Naz Reid is a big problem. That’s part of why we’ll never like Limp Dick. Anyways, Naz had two layups, two made free throws, and an absolutely nasty tip dunk over Lord Voldemort that would’ve detonated the Minnesota arena if they were playing there. If that tip dunk isn’t the number one play on Top 10, the person who makes those videos needs to go on timeout. Oh, and Naz Reid blocked Lord Voldemort twice during that fourth quarter. No big deal. Just blocking, and dunking on the best player in the world. That’s something that you expect from Naz Reid.

The whole bench for the Timberwolves was standing during the vast majority of the fourth quarter. Shout out to Luka Garza. We love watching Luka Garza be a hype man on the bench. We were tearing up watching the Wolves DO THIS SHIT NIGGA! WHAT’S GOOD!?! Timberwolves to the moon!

CELTICS 🍀 (-9.5) over Retarded Rabbits 🐇 🐰

Day 32

Record: 35-34

My goodness. That was the worst possible outcome for that game. The Retarded Rabbits needed to win that game or lose by double-digits. The fact that they did neither is very upsetting. On the Mr. Brightside, this series is a lot of fun to watch. We have a suspicion that the Mavericks will play another sleep-inducing series and that this Retarded Rabbits-Celtics series will be the eminently more watchable conference finals.

Was it a huge signal of impotence that Hazel-rah was making the closed-eyes praying gesture as the fourth quarter was coming to an end? Yes, yes it was. When Hazel-rah did that, it made us think that Hazel-rah was completely powerless over the outcome of that game. That he had zero control over whether the Retarded Rabbits pissed away a conference finals game through a sheer inability to get a defensive rebound or avoid calamitous turnovers. They’re the Retarded Rabbits, and I guess they don’t have the ability to avoid throwing away an extremely important playoff game. You would expect that even the Retarded Rabbits could close out a situation like yesterday’s. Guess not. Getting to the new rabbit warren at Watership Down looks downright implausible at the moment. Hazel-rah found a way to kill General Woundwort, but now the Retarded Rabbits are hopping into easily avoided snares and dying a very avoidable death. Too bad.

What’s really insane about yesterday was that the game started with an absolute blitzkrieg of Tin Man Thunder Dunks and Big Al Pin Blocks. Celtics Coach may look like someone who signs up for Megan’s List, but that challenge that he did on the Big Al Pin Block was excellent. When play stopped, the reason wasn’t clear but when the broadcast was kind enough to have some written explanation above the score box, we were incredulous that the dipshit refs actually called goaltending on that Big Al Pin Block. In the moment it looked like a good block but I guess one of the dipshits said it was goaltending. Anytime that challenges can take off points, that’s a good challenge. Good for Celtics Coach. At least he can do that well.

What Celtics Coach can’t do (besides be within 100 yards of any school) is impart on Jayson Tatum that he needs to cut the shit and stop attempting so many awful fadeaway shots. Jayson Tatum has an Instagram Personal Trainer who has been telling Jayson that he’s “polished” since he was ten years old. The Instagram Personal Trainer that Jayson has, starts young with his clients. He imbues his clients with a predisposition to take terrible shots. That dribble stepbacks are somehow better shots than layups. Jayson doesn’t like taking layups. It’s both his Instagram Personal Trainers’ and his own fault for being too dumb to understand that his dribble fadeaways are bad shots. It’s been however long it’s been and Jayson still takes those terrible shots. It’s not going to change. Jayson Tatum won’t adopt Lord Voldemort’s insistence on layups. It’s sad, but that’s what you expect from American Basketball Players. Preference for what looks good on highlight videos over what wins games.

Whenever Jayson Tatum tried to move toward the basket, it resulted in easy Celtics points. When Jayson Tatum tried to take dribble stepback threes, Isaiah Jackson blocked him. You can’t teach Jayson Tatum what a good shot is. You can only pray that he limits his awful attempts. Maybe you can teach Jayson Tatum about good shot attempts, but Celtics Coach has failed so miserably that we think Jayson is a lost cause in that regard.

Seriously, whenever Jayson decided to dance with Andrew Nembhard without the ball, it ended with Andrew Nembhard on the ground and Tatum by himself at the rim. A Celtic would spot Jayson at the rim by himself and pass to him for an easy basket. When Jayson Tatum refused to settle for a midrange shot when Aaron Nesmith was guarding him, and1 layups followed. It’s crazy that Jayson Tatum can’t understand that he is a physical mismatch for every Retarded Rabbit and that this series will be easy if he keeps making rack attacks. He won’t though. He’s Jayson Tatum. He wore that stupid purple Kobe arm-sleeve years ago, and he did that because he’s more concerned with looking pretty than playing good basketball. Ugh. We’re not fans of Jayson Tatum and it’s the reason that we only start watching the Celtics when the conference finals start and we have no choice.

Here’s another thing that Jayson Tatum did yesterday that is a little snapshot into his inner snitch. Aaron Nesmith made a wild layup (the only type of layup Nesmith attempts), and after he made it, Nesmith handed the ball to Jayson. Now, the transfer was a little bit aggressive but only because Aaron Nesmith doesn’t have full control of his limbs. There was no other intention than, “Here Jayson. Here is the basketball. Please inbound it so we can keep this party going.”

What did Jayson Tatum do? Well, he refused to gather the ball and inbound it. Jayson just stood there while the ball bounced on the hardwood. Jayson looked at Tony Brothers as if to say, “Aaron isn’t supposed to touch the ball after it goes through the net. I demand you stop the game to give the Pacers a formal warning even though Aaron was doing me a favor and handing me the ball. Actually, can you just give Aaron a technical? I don’t want to play basketball. I just want this game to be over and for the scoreboard to say that I won by twenty points.”

Tony Brothers did no such thing. Actually, Tony just looked at Jayson and laughed. Good for Tony. It’s nice that in between missing foul calls, getting out-of-bounds horribly wrong, and calling fouls that aren’t there (like that one on Pascal where Tin Man just had the ball poked out. It looked like a foul because Tin Man pump-faked two Retarded Rabbits in the air but Pascal poked that ball out with his legs), Tony Brothers can have the mental clarity to tell Jayson Tatum to go frick himself in moments like that.

While we’re talking about the dipshit refs, it was interesting to see Tyler Ford call a lane violation on a free throw. Was that the first time that call has been made in the history of the conference finals? That call is never made in the NBA, no matter how egregious it is. I mean, Kyle Anderson got one of those calls in the series against the Nuggets, but other than that, never. Somehow the result of all of Tyler’s fancy arm gesticulations was a jump ball at midcourt. So maybe it was a simultaneous lane violation called on both teams? Since we have the broadcast on mute, we didn’t hear an explanation for that. Whatever. It was Bug Eyes’ fault.

Bug Eyes made most of his shots but we will never trust him to make open threes. He scored a bunch of close attempts whenever Hazel-rah was guarding him near the basket and that goosed up his field-goal percentage. That, and some made corner threes in front of the Retarded Rabbits’ bench. Bug Eyes’ Olympian Soccer Wife has helped him not be an utter disaster on offense like he was for the Fucks, but even with her mental coaching, Bug Eyes still missed a bunch of shots to start this game (and made a bunch of bad turnovers). He turned it around, but be ready for a stinker from Bug Eyes. His layups and three-point attempts just feel like they won’t go in. Maybe that’s unfair but Bug Eyes looks like he has absolutely zero touch shooting the ball.

At the end of the game, Bug Eyes induced a lost ball turnover out-of-bounds from Hazel-rah. Hazel-rah tried to maneuver around Bug Eyes but there was some (legal) contact and Hazel-rah lost control of the basketball before diving out-of-bounds in an attempt to regain possession. It was an excellent defensive moment from Bug Eyes. Don’t let that one possession fool you. The Retarded Rabbits absolutely SHREDDED this Celtics defense. Bug Eyes was mostly helpless against them. He’s, like, thirty-four or something. Bug Eyes is a nice guy. A family man who made a family with an Olympic Soccer Player. But he always gets a pass for playoff shortcomings, and while he made too many shots for yesterday to be characterized as such, there’s going to be a game where he doesn’t make shots and the Retarded Rabbits continue to light the Celtics defense on fire.

Bug Eyes partner in the backcourt, Alien Eyes, was terrible in game 1. My editor and I can sing the praises of Alien Eyes for his preseason box scores, but that man is awful at shots close to the basket. What’s his layup rating in NBA2K?! 60?! He’s terrible around the basket. It’s perfect that the Celtics have Alien Eyes. He encapsulates the Celtics’ inability to make close shots on offense.

There are a couple of other big problems with Alien Eyes besides his questionable ability to convert close shots around the rim. His post-defense is almost as big of a problem as Hazel-rah’s. Now, Alien Eyes is significantly stronger than Hazel-rah, but against Pascal Siakam, Obi Toppin, and Myles Turner, Alien Eyes gets scored on in an impotent way. Alien Eyes isn’t stout like Bug Eyes. There’s a lack of heft with Alien Eyes which is a problem when Pascal Siakam gets isolated on him around the rim. Alien Eyes was built for contesting threes and flying through the air to prevent alley-oops, not stand up against Pascal Siakam trying to back him down below the basket.

The last problem with Alien Eyes is how he runs back on defense with his head down after missing wide-open threes (or layup attempts). Alien Eyes needs to exude more confidence than he typically does when he runs back on defense staring at the ground in a hopeless way.

To start this game, Big Al and Tin Man put on an absolute blitzkrieg that made the Retarded Rabbits look like a warren that was about to get nuked with pesticides. We don’t know what Big Al did before this game, but he was great (despite missing a bunch of shots). Big Al absolutely came out and put his Dominican penis inside the Retarded Rabbits. That near-dunk on Ben Shepard was nasty. That Big Al Pin Block was something that a twenty-five-year-old Big Al did, not thirty-five.

Now, there absolutely were moments where Big Al retreated too far back when Hazel-rah got a ball screen, but on the whole, Big Al was going crazy in that game. Tito had every right to flex with both arms in the stands while wearing his son’s jersey.

Tin Man still refuses to attend the Sunday morning Mat Pilates class that Nino Brown and I teach for free at the park, but my goodness. Tin Man obviously saved the Celtics in that game because he both caused a Retarded Rabbits’ turnover and made that insane corner three to force overtime. Of course, there were three missed free throws, and Tin Man doesn’t use his lower body for free throws, but Tin Man saved the season.

At the start of this game, Tin Man had a certified Gorilla dunk on Aaron Nesmith which was great to see. Tin Man also had that steal of Obi Toppin that led to a breakaway dunk. Tin Man got a bunch of steals, dunks, and the one three yesterday. Don’t forget about the blocked three-point attempt of Nesmith that Tin Man deflected off Nesmith out of bounds to get the Celtics the possession! The broadcast replayed that play a bunch and it was an incredible play.

We were wondering whether or not Obi Toppin and TJ “Fiver” McConnell were going to continue with their business of changing the game to aid the Retarded Rabbits yesterday. Their business is still operating. Jesus Christ, the Celtics can’t guard Fiver. May God have mercy on P Rabbit whenever he tries to guard Fiver. That spin move that Fiver had to get a wide-open layup during the middle of the fourth quarter, was ridiculous. Obviously, there were the typical ten-foot jump shots from Fiver that made us feel like we were taking Molly. Fiver is unstoppable against the Celtics. He’s unstoppable against every team. If the Retarded Rabbits don’t get to Watership Down in one piece, it’s not because of Fiver.

Obi Toppin definitely had some misguided attempts to score one-on-one against Tatum, but Obi made a lot of shots. He’s really good. Imagine if the Knicks had Obi Toppin?! It was dumb of them to let him go. Free Obi Toppin.

Myles “Bigwig” Turner was just phenomenal in the first half. Making threes and dunking the Celtics into oblivion. There was one three where Bigwig elected not to swing the ball to Hazel-rah and instead called his own number for a three. It was nothing but net. His first half was just electric and it was a big reason why the Retarded Rabbits survived that initial blitzkrieg from the Celtics.

Bigwig is happy that he doesn’t have to wrestle with anyone like Isaiah Hartenstein against this Celtics team. Bigwig isn’t stronger than General Woundwort, but General Woundwort is dead now. Bigwig is now free to act like a legitimate big man against the Celtics.

Pascal Siakam was great. He definitely made enough close shots for the Retarded Rabbits to win that game yesterday.

If the Retarded Rabbits don’t successfully complete the trip to Watership Down, it will be Hazel-rah’s fault, not Andrew Nembhard. Nembhard highkey closed that game out at the end of the fourth by refusing to miss seventeen footers in Big Al’s face. That game-deciding turnover was absolutely terrible though. That inbounds pass needed to be in front of Pascal. Nembhard didn’t lead him on that pass and it cost the Retarded Rabbits the game, and probably the series.

The crowd seemed quite subdued during the third quarter. Definitely during the first half. That was a crowd who expected the home team to lose.

Why does Carmelo Anthony get so many commercials?! He was a world-class douchebag during his playing career and he doesn’t deserve post-career commercials. We will never forgive him for not welcoming Linsanity with open arms. We will never forgive him for running away from that fun Nuggets team that he should’ve stayed with for his whole career. He can go ahead and be upset that Lord Voldemort took his number. Screw Carmelo. He always has been, and always will be a retard.

Mavericks 🐴 (+4.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺

Day 33

Record: 36-34

“If you, your mom, and your dad were on a boat in the ocean and the boat capsized, who would you save?”

“I would save myself, and with the dead bodies of my mom and dad, I would cut them up and use them for chum so that I could attract a fish and kill the fish. I would eat the fish while I hold the remnants of the broken boat and wait to be saved.”

Let us give thanks for Bestern Conference basketball. Out there in the real conference, there aren’t wins that are squandered away with turnovers that make your stomach churn. There aren’t instances where a defense only needs to not allow three points but does precisely that. In the Bestern Conference, there is just thoroughly entertaining basketball. You watch a game in the Bestern Conference and you walk away with the feeling that you watched greatness. Thank you, Lord Luka. Thank you, Jaden McDaniels. Thank you, Kyrie Irving. May Allah grant you access to an afterlife filled with an unending heroine high.

We all know where Glen Taylor sits right? Beside Pillsbury Coach. We appreciate that Glen sits in the same spot for every Timberwolves home game. What a guy! If we owned a basketball team, we’d sit where Slavemaster Glen sits. Not where Reptile Marc sits. We wouldn’t pretend to be one of the slaves by sitting right next to the end of the player’s bench. Definitely not sequestered away in a suite. Front and center in a courtside seat that faces the camera. Just to the right of the coach's bench. We’d give withering looks to Karl Towns when he did retard ish, and we would benevolently smile whenever Naz Reid inexplicably did something incredible against the best Balcan basketball players in the world. Glen may have an unmatched history of incompetence as a slavemaster of basketball players, but we can appreciate his habit of sitting in the same visible seats for every Timberwolves home game.

How does Slavemaster Glen hold his bladder like he does?! He probably relieves himself at halftime, but that’s it! During a two-and-a-half hour event, Slavemaster Glen goes to the bathroom once?! That’s incredible! Slavemaster Glen would definitely be given a permit to sit outside in public in front of a gelato shop if I were a dictator who had control over things like that. Both Slavemaster Glen and his age-appropriate wife.

We see you, Slavemaster Glen! And we’re rooting for you to make Alex Ródriguez cry after your play date in court!

Were we a tad concerned after the Timberwolves refused to miss a three-pointer in the first half? Yes! Did we have a sinking suspicion that their incandescent three-point shooting percentage would undergo some “negative regression”? We thought that, but we never dared to voice that suspicion.

Indeed the Timberwolves stopped making every three, and the Mavs continued to own the precious territory around the basket. Can someone show Celtics Coach how the Mavs kept taking, and making, close shots while the Timberwolves chased the dragon? How the Timberwolves found a temporal high in the first half but then found themselves selling their grandma’s television for a tenth of it’s true value so that they could get their next unsatisfying hit? Oh, is Celtics Coach not available? What time is it? It’s three o’clock on a weekday! You didn’t know that Celtics Coach goes out to watch the kids be let out of elementary school every day? C’mon, how did you not know that?! Everyone knows that Celtics Coach takes a half-hour to watch elementary schoolers leave school from the court-appointed distance that he’s allowed to be within schools. Everyone knows that people who coach sports are one of three people: successful, intelligent parents, Jerry Sandusky, or dummies. Now, Celtics Coach could qualify as the latter of those three possibilities, but we know that he’s the second. Anyways, good luck imparting to Celtics Coach the evidence of game 1 for taking the strategy of taking shots close to the basket. He can’t listen.

Every Vintage Kyrie Game needs to be treasured. He’s thirty-two and those performances won’t be happening for too much longer. If you’re like me, you watched the NBA YouTube video that was composed of Kyire highlights during elimination games before watching game 1. You watched that and hoped that game 1 would feature a return of the magical brilliance of Kyrie Irving. Indeed, it did. Especially during the first half. The Comanche-Chipotle spirit was flowing through Little Mountain during the first half of game 1. Lord Luka is glad that Little Mountain is on his team, and so are we. Little Mountain is better than General Woundwort. As a basketball player, but also as a leader of a basketball team that intends to win a championship. Kyrie Irving would have gotten Tom Thibodeau fired yesterday if he was on the Knicks. General Woundwort hasn’t done that. We know because there hasn’t been a headline on ESPN saying that Tom Thibodeau has been fired. Shame on General Woundwort for allowing Tom Thibodeau to remain as the head coach. LeBron would never act with the cowardice that General Woundwort is acting with, and neither would Kyrie Irving.

Kyrie would never allow Tom Thibodeau to be his coach, and Kyrie would never miss a critical free throw. There is not a more trustworthy free-throw shooter in the playoffs. Definitely not among the last remaining teams. That pitter-patter that Kyrie does with his feet before he shoots free throws might be the secret sauce to his perfect swishes. If we still played the kind of basketball that included free throws, we would copy Durantula’s shoulder shimmy and Kyrie’s podiatric pitter-patter as a free throw routine.

If we had to choose the five most trustworthy free-throw shooters remaining in the playoffs, we would christen (in the order of most to least trustworthy): Kyrie, Hazel-rah, Karl Towns, Alien Eyes, and PJ Washington (that’s right!!!).

Kyrie had eleven made two-point shots in the first half. He was the only reason that the Mavs were keeping the game close. Without him, the Timberwolves would have gotten an insurmountable lead with their avalanche of three-pointers. The vast majority of those eleven made shots were shots within ten feet of the basket that went over the top of the backboard at their apex. It’s a testament to the ability of the Thunder players that they were able to contain the Kyrie Conflagration, because NAW, Naz Reid, and French Rejection were all powerless to stop the Comanche-Chipotle spirit of Kyrie Irving. Fuck, we love us some Kyrie Irving! All he does is play in the most entertaining games and make a bunch of shots during those games. Like Little Game James, but the opposite.

Kyrie kept the game close, but Lord Luka took the Mavs home down a country road to the place they belonged! My goodness, that was an incredible Lord Luka game! Holding him down was another testament to the Thunder because Lord Luka dominated game 1 in a way that he never dominated any game against Haitian Scarface, Cason Wallace, Rottweiler, Chet, and Shai Gilgeous.

There were jaw-dropping outlet passes to Kyrie that were just outside the grasp of Kyle “Mr. Anderson” Anderson. There was a pass that was too amazing and perfect for Josh Green to catch and dunk. There were a bunch of passes to Gafford and Lively for wide-open dunks after pick-and-rolls. Lord Luka might have gotten the ball stolen from Naz Reid before he crossed halfcourt which never happens, and Lord Luka might have been moving fat for too much of this game, but when winning time started, Lord Luka WON THE GAME. Gosh, we’ve missed Lord Luka. Never let him skip another playoff, God. Please. I need him. Lord Luka was DIMING UP niggas and then he scored pretty much every point in the fourth quarter. The Timberwolves have a big fucking problem guarding Lord Luka at every moment of the game but especially during pick-and-rolls. Lord Luka is calmly dribbling into makeable ten-foot shots or passing into wide-open dunks if French Rejection wanders a step too close to Lord Luka. El Niño Maravilla, indeed. Jaden McDaniels is a frightening defensive force, and Lord Luka iced the game with this shot over him.

Lord Luka is a drug that the Mavs have to be careful not to get too addicted to on offense. Every pick-and-roll that Lord Luka runs seems to target French Rejection, and those plans typically lead to makeable shots close to the rim for either Lord Luka or his dance partner. Hunting French Rejection is great, but the other Mavs need to be ready to make shots and not get Lord Luka exhausted from putting the team on his back.

Don’t forget about Lord Luka stealing the ball from Jaden McDaniels during the fourth quarter! Lord Luka won that game on both ends of the court during the fourth quarter. Lord Luka might have the arms of a football offensive lineman, but he is a bad man. Don’t ever forget it.

It’s a new series but Daniel Gafford is still making dog-vomit box scores. Koach Kidd needs to bench Gafford immediately. The Mavs can’t keep featuring him if he’s going to tank the scoring margin every minute that he’s on the court. Some problems with Daniel Gafford include his inability to cleanly catch the basketball, his slow feet, his smaller size compared to Lively, his propensity to turn over possession of the basketball every time he dribbles, and the fact that every attempted three taken with him as the primary defender is routinely nothing but net. Daniel Gafford is becoming a problem.

Speaking of Koach Kidd, he had two successful challenges that were on out-of-bounds calls. You don’t typically see those challenges. Usually, the refs don’t get those calls so obviously wrong. But Koach Kidd was right to challenge them. The one off of Harry Potter was too obvious. That was always going to be Mavericks’ ball. Actually, I believe the second challenge was also on a ball that went off of Harry Potter. It was late in the game and Koach Kidd still had a challenge so those were actually good challenges even if they weren’t obviously going to succeed. Koach Kidd! Making smart decisions and getting his team possession of the ball!

Josh Green screwed up one of Lord Luka’s perfect passes. He also threw an egregious turnover during a fastbreak that made you question him as a competent dribbler. Don’t forget about the three-point shooting foul on Mike Conley at the end of the game! Josh Green was a tire-fire for the entirety of his time on the court. If Dante Exum wasn’t busy having the shooting yips, Koach Kidd would be playing him instead of Josh Green’s choking ass. Typical Australian. Chokes during the playoffs. What’s with the land down under?! All they’re producing in terms of basketball players are guys who refuse to make shots during the playoffs while also being hyper-focused on the outfits they wear while being photographed walking from the team bus to the locker room. Fix this, Australia. Give Andrew Bogut more responsibility and power.

Another Maverick who really shits the bed on a routine basis is Jaden Hardy. That dude is a thirsty trainwreck who reminds everyone who has ever played basketball of the short black kid who has a psychological block against passing the ball and shoots low-quality, contested pull-ups. This kid only has fat girlfriends. Quality is strictly theoretical to people like Jaden Hardy. How Koach Kidd plays Jaden Hardy is beyond me. Yes, Jaden had four assists in nine minutes. He still makes me want to yack. That play where he ran to a loose ball around halfcourt was so dumb. The play where Harry Potter was obviously going to gather the loose ball. Jaden Hardy had zero shot to recover that ball, but in running so hard after it, Jaden took himself out of position to guard Harry. When Harry Potter gathered the ball, Jaden was behind him. Harry effortlessly swished a three-pointer because Jaden Hardy was making terrible decisions chasing loose balls. It was a dumb play, from a stupid, thirsty player. We don’t like Jaden Hardy. He’ll shoot you out of a game and he’ll make reckless gambles on defense. Oh, and if he even attempts to dribble around Harry Potter, Harry will steal the ball because in addition to being really fucking dumb, Jaden Hardy isn’t strong with the ball. At least not strong enough to maintain possession when Harry Potter is guarding him. Screw that guy.

Why is Derek Lively routinely saving the Mavericks season? Maybe it has to do with him getting lots of rebounds despite being twenty. Maybe it’s that he can catch the ball (and even pass it). Maybe it’s that he can catch the ball at the free-throw line, and then dribble towards the rim to make a layup without turning over the ball. Gafford can only catch lob dunks. Gafford can’t slide his feet like Lively. Lord knows Gafford can’t dribble or pass. Lively is just great and I’ll never get over how Duke tanked his reputation.

It’s time to reveal PJ Washington’s nickname. Yesterday, he wasn’t making seventy percent of his threes like he did against the Thunder but he made one during the fourth quarter and he made enough shots before that to get Lord Luka and Kyrie the victory. PJ “Big Daddy” Washington. Big Daddy has come through for the Mavericks too much to be anything other than Big Daddy. Brittany Renner can be Bettina.

Yes sir, Bih Daddy.

Fortunately, here at Wrongbomb, we were treated to the feed that showed the arena between commercial breaks. We were spared from seeing Carmelo Anthony in commercials that he has no right to be in.

The Timberwolves pregame routine includes the requisite amount of flames. That’s something that incites passion from a fan base!

There was someone in the crowd with a fox pelt around their neck. That seems like something that’s distinctly Minnesota. Something else that screams “Minnesota”, although not quite as much, is wearing t-shirts below jerseys. That’s a Fat Person Thing if there ever was one. Nothing screams defeat at the hands of Crushing Adulthood like wearing a t-shirt below a basketball jersey. Oh well. It makes sense that people who live in the arctic tundra would be too self-conscious and neurotic to wear a clothing article that exposes their bare arms.

What the fuck was Jaden McDaniels doing being the best Timberwolf yesterday? He might have made his first four threes and he comfortably led the team in scoring. The Timberwolves were winning because of him, Mr. Anderson (WTF), and of course, Naz Reid. Those three made a bushel of threes in the first half. Shame on Harry Potter and Karl Towns for wasting that extremely impressive performance from those three.

That “basket interference” that Marc Davis called on Karl Towns was questionable. At the very least, it wasn’t obvious and when that’s not obvious, it shouldn’t be called. That sequence was Lord Luka’s fault for not bothering to get in the way of Karl Towns soaring up to tip dunk that ball. Marc Davis bailed out the Mavs, but as someone who picked the Mavs to cover, and who wants Lord Luka to make the Finals, I can’t be upset about it. Blame Pillsbury Coach for not saving a challenge. Unlike Koach Kidd, Pillsbury Coach didn’t succeed with two challenges. We have no clue how that “push” of Hardaway by Mike Conley wasn’t overturned, but it wasn’t, and it wasn’t really important to overturn that decision. It would have been important to get those two points that Marc Davis took away. Sorry, Pillsbury Coach. You screwed that up!

Mr. Anderson probably didn’t score during the second half, but he made a stupid amount of shots in that first half. Jesus Christ, as someone who took the Mavs, seeing Mr. Anderson be the reason why you might not cover is extremely uncomfortable.

Naz Reid was fantastic again. Making threes and stealing the ball from Lord Luka. He was great, and I don’t care what his plus-minus was. Blame Karl Towns. How did Minnesota sign Naz Reid to such a cheap contract extension?! He’s amazing!

Remember when NAW was making every three he took against the Suns? Me neither.

CELTICS 🍀 (-8.5) over Retarded Rabbits 🐇 🐰

Day 34

Record: 37-34

Since Nino Brown filed for chapter 11, we started charging people to attend our “Mat Pilates in the Park” Saturday morning classes. More people started showing up after we started charging a nominal fee. It’s really dumb how people seek out things and experiences more when they have to pay for them. Truly nuts. One of those paying newcomers was the Tin Man. Nino and I have been waiting years for him to attend, but we weren’t going to show any outward signs of excitement that one of our dream attendees was finally accepting us as his teacher. We just led the class like we usually do. Ignoring the guys, and using our positions as “group leaders” to put our hands on the attractive female attendants. Nino and I have both gone to our fair share of “yoga” classes, so we know how the female “yoga” instructors get down. It allows us a personal freedom to turn around and take that physical “guidance” to another level. Anyways, Tin Man attended last Saturday and after Thursday’s game, he texted Nino that he’ll be back tomorrow before game 3. Tin Man texts Nino but not me because Nino is much blacker than me. Oh well.

We watched almost all of that game. People ran around and the ball went through the basket. Did it capture our attention? No, not really. That was a boring game, and we have a feeling that every single one of these remaining Leastern Conference games will be just as boring. Hazel-rah has been killed. The Retarded Rabbits are going to die a painful death a few miles before making it to their sought-after warren in Watership Down. Too bad.

Are we eagerly waiting to pick against this boring, disgusting Celtics team when they play a legitimate team? Absolutely.

TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (-5.5) over Mavericks 🐴

Day 35

Record: 37-35

“Hey, Karl. Thanks for coming in.”

“Yes, Mr. Taylor. I always come on time when you ask me to visit you. It’s cloudy outside, Mr. Taylor!”

“Yes, Karl. It is very cloudy today. How does that make you feel?”

“It makes me feel sad, Mr. Taylor. I get sad when it’s cloudy.”

“How do you feel when it’s sunny, Karl?”

Karl breaks out a grin that seems to cover his whole face.

“I’m happy when it’s sunny outside, Mr. Taylor!”

“That’s nice, Karl.”

“Hey, Mr. Taylor?”

“Yes, Karl.”

“Who is that man standing next to you in the white coat? My mom used to say not to talk to strangers and I’ve never seen that man before. He is a stranger, and my mom used to say not to talk to strangers.”

“Don’t mind him, Karl. He’s a friend of mine who is helping me out. Actually, he’s a special friend of mine who only helps me when I need help with very important things. Things like meeting with you, Karl.”

“I’m special! My mom used to tell me that!”

“Yes, Karl. You are a special young man. Now please help answer some questions I have for you. Karl, what is your favorite food?”

“Oh, that’s an easy one! My favorite food is apple sauce. My mom used to always give me apple sauce when she gave me my packed lunches. I love apple sauce. Hey, Mr. Taylor, why is your special friend writing stuff down? I feel funny when people write things down. It happened a lot at school. I don’t like school.”

“Don’t worry about that Karl. It’s nothing. Pay attention to me, Karl.”

“OK, Mr. Taylor! I will pay attention to you!”

“Karl, what is your favorite television show? I’m sure you love television, and I just need to know what’s important to you. There are going to be some additions to our basketball operations and before those started, I wanted to get a sense of what you like and don’t like. We’re orienting our program around what would make you more happy, Karl. Because you’re important to the Minnesota Timberwolves, Karl. Don’t forget it.”

“I don’t like addition, Mr. Taylor!”

“Oh, sorry Karl. I won’t say that word again. But please. What is your favorite television show?”

“Blue’s Clues! I like blue! Blue is my favorite color!”

“Excellent answer Karl. That’s my grandson’s favorite program too. What is your favorite animal?”

Karl’s face is beginning to contort in obvious signs of discomfort. Slavemaster Glen knows that the kind of facial expressions that Karl is making, signal that Karl is moments away from incoherent screaming.

“Mr. Taylor, I see your special friend writing. Why is he writing?”

“Karl, you know I love you right?”

“Yes, Mr. Taylor.”

“Well, I need you to love me. Please don’t pay attention to my special friend. You need to only focus on me, Karl.”

With the words of Slavemaster Glen, Karl forgets about the man standing behind Slavemaster Glen. Slavemaster Glen knows that he needs to quickly conclude this interview. Karl can only stay calm for so long in a situation like this.

“Karl, what is your favorite animal?”

“Hippopotamus!”

Karl breaks out in a big smile again. It’s obvious to Slavemaster Glen, and the certified mental health expert standing in on the diagnostic interview that Karl just loves saying Hippopotomus and how pronouncing the vowels in that word are just so fun.

“Excellent, Karl. You’re doing great. Two more questions, Karl. What’s your favorite thing about Minneapolis?”

“Minneapolis? What’s that, Mr. Taylor.”

…

“Minnesota. What’s your favorite thing about Minnesota, Karl?”

“Minnesota! I play in Minnesota! My team is called the Minnesota Timberwolves! I like Timberwolves!”

“Karl, please. Answer the question. It’s important that we stay on track.”

“I forgot the question, Mr. Taylor. Can you ask it again? I like questions.”

“What is your favorite thing about Minnesota, Karl?”

“Oh, I know! When it gets to Christmas time and Santa comes to the mall. I know I’m too big to sit on Santa, but I get to sit next to him and ask him for presents. I love presents! Santa gives me presents. My mom used to give me presents.”

“Thank you, Karl. OK, here’s my last question. Do you mind signing this paper? Right there on the bottom, there’s a dotted line. If you could sign there, that would be just great.”

Karl breaks out in a terrible frown. Slavemaster Glen knows that this is Karl’s crying face.

“Mr. Taylor, I’m not supposed to sign anything without my dad here. It hurts! I’m not supposed to sign anything without my dad! Mr. Taylor, it hurts. Make it stop!”

At this point, Karl’s Pavlovian training to prevent him from signing legally binding documents without the presence of an adult has fully kicked in. Karl has gotten up from his chair and stationed himself in front of a wall. Head down, crying. Slavemaster Glen knows to leave Karl alone when he gets like this. The mental health professional nods to Slavemaster Glen. He has seen enough. The diagnostic interview with Karl is over. After ten minutes of crying, Slavemaster Glen brings over some security personnel to escort Karl out of the building.

“Do you have what you need Mr. Walters?”

“Yes, Glen. I have all I need for a formal diagnosis.”

“So I’ll have enough to void Karl’s contract? There’s language in the collective bargaining agreement about voiding contracts due to clinical retardation.”

“I’m not a lawyer, Glen, and I won’t involve myself with legal matters. All I can say is that I’ve seen enough to diagnose Karl with mental retardation.”

“Of course, thank you, Mr. Walters.”

Slavemaster Glen is going to void Karl Towns’ contract with that formal medical diagnosis. He, and the good people of Minnesota, can only take so much of Karl’s dogshit. Of course, the Timberwolves are going to try and turn him into Trae Young, but if that can’t happen, they’ll just kick Karl out of the franchise. My goodness, he is just an all-consuming force of stupidity. It’s not a coincidence that the Timberwolves started this game by burning a timeout because Mike Conley decided to inbound the ball and everyone else ran down the court without realizing that one of them needed to catch the inbounds pass. I don’t think that a conference finals game has ever started by burning a timeout like that on the first possession of the game. There is a critical limit to how many retards can be included on a professional sports team. A critical limit of retards, and a critical limit of murderers (and rapists). The Timberwolves have too many certified dummies. You can’t have two of those people playing in the starting lineup. Jaden McDaniels would be the other mentally handicapped starter. You know Jaden is below the cognitive threshold for a few reasons. One of them is how he wears a hoodie during pregame introductions. Carmelo Anthony made wearing a hoodie popular. Popular for the mentally handicapped to unknowingly out themselves. So there’s that. There’s also the fact that he broke his hand by punching a wall. That took him out of the playoffs last year. What else? Well, there’s the faces he makes during games. Or, more accurately, the faces he doesn’t make. There’s a lack of intelligence in Jaden’s eyes. You can see the absence of critical thinking on his face. Jaden may, or may not have, drank too much dirty Sprite, but his face looks like it’s the result of a brain that has been fried beyond repair by promethazine.

You can’t make a championship team with Jaden AND Karl. There’s a vapidity that feeds off of one another. It starts infecting the whole team.

The broadcast showed a neat stat that told the story of how Karl Towns plays awful in Minneapolis. The difference in his production was stark, and yesterday he gave the good people of Minnesota another shit sandwich. Karl was being uncoordinated and weak for the entire game. When he got the ball on offense, he would try moving through Big Daddy, and that would end with him taking a wild shot attempt that had very little chance of going in.

Big Daddy wouldn’t sell Karl a tinker’s damn.

Karl kept trying though! Jesus Christ, Karl was so bad. Was Karl doing that thing where he admires his missed threes and allows opponents to get behind him in transition? Absolutely! He’s going to show up in Dallas though! Did someone convince Karl that yesterday was Mother’s Day in the Dominican Republic? Karl is very impressionable, and with the right tone, you can convince Karl Towns of anything.

We appreciated the broadcast showing close-ups of Karl Towns when Pillsbury Coach found enlightenment and subbed out Karl Towns for Naz Reid when the game needed to be won. It’s truly insane how many stops Big Daddy got of Karl Towns. We looked at the videos of every single one of Karl Towns’ attempts and many of his misses are with Big Daddy guarding him. “Shutting him down” is more accurate. Big Daddy is definitely not telling Bettina (Sugar) to show Karl Towns around the plantation. Karl is going straight into the Hot Box. If you ever want to induce yourself to throw up, go watch all of Karl Towns’ field goal attempts from game 2. My goodness. How can the Timberwolves keep him on the roster next year? Harry Potter needs to restore order. Harry Potter needs to get Karl Towns shipped to Azkaban.

We’ve been begging Minnesota to trade Karl Towns for Trae Young for two years. They need to get that ish taken care of.

Naz Reid?!? Naz Fucking Reid! There’s a reason that someone in the crowd had a flag of Naz Reid’s head superimposed on Jesus Christ’s body. Naz Reid is the child of God. He almost made that three that would’ve won the game too. Naz Reid was so good, that Pillsbury Coach was OK with benching a player who is signed for $60 milly. The Minnesota crowd gets obviously hyped up when Naz Reid starts making his threes. After the fifth made three, we started wondering if the people of Minneapolis were going to light Town Hall on fire because of how much they loved Naz Fucking Reid. Since the Timberwolves lost, Town Hall is safe, but if the Wolves won that game? If Naz Reid made that game-winning three-point attempt? Yeah, that would have caused some government buildings to go up in smoke.

Why isn’t Naz Reid playing on Team USA?! My editor likes to applaud Grant Hill for being an attractive man, and I’m starting to think that Grant Hill has used other people’s appreciation for his looks to put himself in a national basketball position of power that he doesn’t deserve. Grant Hill chose Ebola Embiid over Naz Reid?! Kawhi Leonard over Naz Reid?! Can someone else be in charge of Team USA? Grant Hill chooses players who can’t walk over Naz Reid. Gross incompetence from Grant Hill.

So yeah, Naz Reid was well on his way to causing the destruction of the Twin Cities. Mr. Anderson was second-in-command of that brigade. Mr. Anderson! Is it concerning that Minnesota is relying on Mr. Anderson to pass the ball around on offense without turning over possession of the basketball? Absolutely! Nine turnovers from the Timberwolves yesterday, but those nine felt like fifteen. Mr. Anderson had exactly zero turnovers.

When Pillsbury Coach inserted Mr. Anderson back onto the court at the expense of French Rejection, it was funny watching Mr. Anderson clap it up in French Rejection’s face because French Rejection’s vibes were too obviously caustic when he walked off the court. Mr. Anderson was clapping in a way that said, “Hey French Rejection. We can’t have any of that pouting bullshit. We’re a team.” Do we all remember that Mr. Anderson got French Rejection to try and punch him during a timeout? I do!

In addition to telling French Rejection to stop pouting like a French schoolgirl, Mr. Anderson is continuing to get the dipshit refs to call lane violations on his free throws. It’s an incredible thing to witness.

Mr. Anderson might have gotten crossed up into the shadow realm by Josh Green, and Mr. Anderson is definitely getting toyed with by Lord Luka, but Mr. Anderson feels extremely important to the Timberwolves. Important in a way that feels inappropriate for a team that’s in the Bestern Conference finals.

Another player who feels too important for the Timberwolves is Mike Conley. There’s a reason that the Timberwolves need Trae Young. That reason is that Mike Conley was around when the dinosaurs were alive and his continued herculean efforts can’t be something that’s relied on next year. My goodness, you really feel it when Mike Conley is on the bench. All of a sudden you’re watching the Timberwolves and thinking, “Oh wait, Harry Potter can’t be dribbling that much. Who are the shooters on the Timberwolves? Oh, that’s NAW! Where’s Mike Conley? That’s Mr. Anderson bringing up the ball? Can Mike Conley come back in the game?!”

Somehow the Timberwolves turned DLo into Mike Conley and NAW. That was a straight-up heist and Jeanie Buss needs to have billboards in Los Angeles that point out what a dummy she is for presiding over a franchise that allowed that to happen.

Harry Potter might have destroyed all of The Dark Lord’s horcruxes, but there’s a new Balkan Basketball Supernova, and this one is too much for Harry. There was that insane block of Derrick Jones Jr, but aside from that, there were twelve missed shots and a turnover that prevented the Wolves from attempting a shot before Lord Luka did that magic. Harry Potter needs to shut the fuck up during press conferences now because he’s making a real ass of himself with how he’s been playing.

Luka Magic?! LUKA MAGIC. El Niño Maravilla! Lord Luka! There’s a reason that the only basketball jersey I own is Lord Luka’s Real Madrid jersey. Please God, never let another postseason occur without Lord Luka. It’s amazing watching him throw passes across the court. People don’t throw passes with as much velocity and accuracy as Lord Luka. Not only that, but people don’t make this Timberwolves defense feel as broken, as completely solved, as Lord Luka has. When French Rejection got switched onto Lord Luka, we hoped Lord Luka would go for the three. He did. That screaming that he gave to French Rejection was just as good as that screaming that Lord Luka gave to Patrick Beverly all those years ago. We dearly miss skinny Lord Luka, but we will always love Lord Luka. Gosh, it was so stupid of Harry Potter to talk about this Mavericks team publicly. When you play against Lord Luka and Kyrie Irving, you don’t say their name. All you say is that you’re a little bit scared of those two. You admit that they’re incredible destroyers of worlds and that facing them will be the biggest challenge of your life. You don’t say that “you got Kyrie” in a way that belittles the power of the Navajo-Cherokee spirit that flows through Kyrie Irving. Jesus Christ.

Is Jaden McDaniels going to get arrested for taking part in a drive-by shooting after this series ends and the Timberwolves get sent home?

Yeah, umm, Kyrie Irving. He missed three free throws yesterday and we’d still trust him with our life at the line.

Kyrie Irving is so incredible that even Jaden Hardy will make a catch-and-shoot three-pointer if Kyrie is the one passing him the ball!

French Rejection might have to go on suicide watch after having to guard pick-and-rolls against Lord Luka and Kyrie Irving. Both of them are toying with the Defensive Player Of The Year in a sadistic way. Gafford and Lively are THROWING DOWN when they get to dance with Kyrie and Lord Luka, and it’s at the expense of French Rejection.

Naz Reid absolutely made seven threes in game 2 but he got isolated on Kyrie and the results could not have been worse for the Timberwolves. Kyrie intersperses juking Naz out of his shoes with dagger three-pointers over Naz that must make the Minnesota fans want to yack. As someone who picked the Wolves to cover, I didn’t like the looks that Kyrie was giving Lord Luka after making those threes in the fourth quarter. Those looks were looks between people who were on a mission. People who believed. People who would never lose hope no matter how many threes Naz Reid made. Kyrie Irving and Lord Luka are on a mission that they refuse to not finish. That’s not something that you feel when you watch Harry Potter and Karl Towns.

Did Derek Lively jump out from the Mezzanine on that ally-oop? How did OKC Coach think that it would be a good idea to intentionally send Derek Lively to the free-throw line?! Derek makes his free throws. Unlike Daniel Gafford who is having some playoff free throw yips. We will never get over how Duke tanked Derek Lively’s draft stock. It’s a national nightmare that Duke signed Cooper Flagg and it’s gross negligence that UConn didn’t convince Cooper Flagg to join their team instead of Duke. All they had to do was say, “Hey, Cooper, did you know that Derek Lively played for Duke? Did you know that after playing one year at Duke, Derek Lively was drafted behind this guy named Jett Howard? Play for Danny Hurley, Cooper.”

Derek Lively is right there with Lord Luka and Kyrie when it comes to having the look of belief. When the Mavericks were down to start the fourth quarter, Derek Lively was running back on defense with a look on his face that made us believe that the Mavs never stopped believing that they would win that game. Insane stuff from a rookie. Derek Lively is the truth. Don’t forget that. It’s just beyond belief that a twenty-year-old is affecting the rebounding battle against this Timberwolves team like Derek Lively is.

Daniel Gafford wasn't tanking the Mavericks when he was in the game, and that was a welcome sight. Koach Kidd subs out Gafford less than four minutes into the game even when Gafford makes shots and the game is close. The Mavericks come just short of switching out the starting lineup, and really, Gafford has deserved to have his starting spot taken away, but Gafford was great yesterday. Five blocks, and a plus-minus that didn’t make him an obvious scapegoat. Thanks, Daniel.

Big Daddy wasn’t making a lot of threes and he had a terrible foul on Mr. Anderson when the Timberwolves were in the bonus just before the end of the first quarter. Whatever. He got too many stops on Karl Towns to be anything other than sensational.

Jaden Hardy made a three late in the game. We still hate his guts. Shame on Tim Hardaway Jr and Dante Exum for being so bad that Koach Kidd feels OK with playing Jaden Hardy ahead of him. Jaden went 1 for 5 in the first quarter and Koach Kidd gave him a talking-to for taking so many shots in such a short period of time. Ugh.

Those Mavericks jerseys are gross. The mid-2000s Mavs jerseys from the Dirk era were kinda cool. Not in the same galaxy as the tree-bordered Timberwolves jerseys but much better than the black ensembles that the Mavs were wearing yesterday.

There’s a red-headed assistant coach on the Mavs who we suspect is the reason Koach Kidd stopped doing dumb stuff like purposefully bumping into coaches who were holding cups of water to delay the proceedings of a game. That ginger assistant coach had a delightful reaction to Lord Luka’s game-winner.

What a fantastic game. We felt the awesomeness of that game from the very first second of gameplay, and it didn’t disappoint.

Since we were treated to the League Pass broadcast, we saw that GREG JENNINGS attended that game! Greg Jennings caught that shit! How is he running with a broken leg?! Let’s go inside the mind of a GREG JENNINGS! Put the team on his back doe! Cross the plane! Fuck with me!

Listen, were we sick to our stomachs from suspecting that it was too easy picking the Timberwolves to bounce back when they have zero fucking clue how to deal with Lord Luka and Harry Potter got infected with Karl Towns’ mental handicap and talked public mess about Kyrie Irving? Yes. Absolutely. My mind is broken. Don’t gamble. Just make a (semi) public recording of what a jackass you are by picking the Timberwolves when the whole world is picking them to cover a spread at home.

Celtics 🍀 (-7.5) over RETARDED RABBITS 🐇 🐰

Day 36

Record: 37-36

Leastern Conference.

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-2.5) over Timberwolves 🐺

Day 37

Record: 38-36

Wow. Thank Black Baby Jesus that we have the Bestern Conference. These games are all Holy Fuck Incredible and they atone for the injustice that is the Leastern Conference.

Did we pick the Mavs to cover because it felt like too many underdogs were covering and “it was time” to blindly take a favorite? Yes. Did we take the Mavs because the Timberwolves never deserved to be given the benefit of the doubt after puking all over themselves at home? Did we think that the Mavs were some kind of unsolvable riddle to the Timberwolves because Lord Luka is taking out his scalpel during pick-and-rolls against French Rejection (and Karl Towns)? Did we watch the first two games and say to ourselves, “Hey, the Mavs are going to start making threes and the Wolves aren’t going to get That Naz Reid and Mr. Anderson performances like that. There’s going to be some positive regression for the Mavs, and some negative regression for the Timberwolves”?

Not really. See, we’re not that smart here at Wrongbomb HQ. Look at our record and try not to hurl. We can’t. Whenever anyone in the office drinks too much coffee or thinks that today is the day that they can stomach a frozen boxed lunch cooked in the microwave, our record against the spread is all we need to excavate our stomachs and feel the complete bliss of post-vomit skinniness.

These Bestern Conference Finals are just as amazing as that post-yack tranquility. The fact that the Leastern Conference provides such a stark contrast only augments the pleasure of witnessing legitimate playoff basketball. We have Kyrie Irving! We have Karl Towns struggling to escape a mental handicap! We have Lord Luka reminding us why we love him! We have Jaden McDaniels looking like he’s moments away from getting the AR-15 in his locker and blasting Tony Brothers, Curtis Blair, and the Goble person! Amazing! We love the Bestern Conference!

Lord Luka is back in our lives and he’s taking “kill shot” threes, three minutes into the game. The Mavericks have been missing their threes and that story immediately flipped from the second this game started. Lord Luka immediately went to work making stepback threes over Jaden McDaniels in a way that made that 2nd team All-Defense player seem helpless. After some of the threes that Lord Luka is making over Jaden, Lord Luka is pantomiming finger guns at Jaden. But Lord Luka is using more arm movement than the typical finger gun gesture. Much more arm movement than Limp Dick used in his finger guns directed at Karl Towns. Lord Luka is reminding Jaden McDaniels that he is no different than French Rejection when it comes to guarding Lord Luka. Both are completely out of their depth and it’s so fun that Lord Luka reminds both of them. Slavemaster Glen needs to hire some security for Jaden during the offseason because Jaden is going to try robbing a bank or committing a drive-by shooting after what Lord Luka has done to him. The Wolves can’t afford for Jaden to be the NBA’s version of Henry Ruggs. They need Jaden McDaniels to stay a free man.

So, yeah, Lord Luka is making his stepback threes now that Haitian Scarface isn’t guarding him. We were really upset at the Thunder for making us so joyful during that Pelicans series but then looking impotent against the Mavs. Well, the Timberwolves are covering that Thunder team in glory. This Mavs team has been an undercover wagon of a basketball team and the Thunder did amazing to keep the series as close as they did. We just didn’t know at the time how fucking serious the Mavs are.

So, yeah, Lord Luka is making a bunch of shots in Jaden McDaniels’ face. That’s not all that Lord Luka is doing! He’s drawing charges on Harry Potter! That challenge was terrible. Pillsbury Coach made an awful decision there. First of all, it looked like a clear charge. Lord Luka was clearly outside the circle and he stood there before Harry picked up his dribble. Second, these challenges on block/charges don’t feel like they work out. The refs usually get those right enough to not see clear evidence that it should be overturned. Pillsbury Coach has been fine coach, but that challenge was a terrible decision the second that it was made.

In addition to drawing charges on Harry Potter, Lord Luka is beating him on fourth-quarter jump balls. Yes, that’s correct. Lord Luka and Harry Potter are getting into tie-ups, and Lord Luka is beating Harry Potter in a jumping contest. Nutty stuff from Lord Luka!

Five steals, but some of those were falsely credited to Lord Luka. How a jump ball became a “steal” is beyond us. Most of those “steals” were bad passes from Harry Potter but the one steal of French Rejection where Lord Luka looks to the Timberwolves bench to kindly remind them what a bunch of payosos they are, was filthy. Lord Luka is a bad boy. He always has been, and we love it. Hold on. We need a minute to watch that and1 on Patrick Beverly. We’ll be right back.

…

Yeah, Lord Luka is back and the Timberwolves never had a chance against the Lord Luka who we all know and love. Go purchase your Lord Luka Real Madrid jerseys while you can. We certainly did. We took care of that business years ago. Shout out to Haitian Scarface for making the general public believe that Lord Luka was injured beyond repair.

The box score says that Dereck Lively was somehow not “plus 20” in his time on the court. He certainly feels that way on the court. The broadcast made this neat video comparison of Dereck catching the ball at the free-throw line with no one around him before completing a pass to an open shooter. The broadcast immediately compared that to Daniel Gafford catching the ball under the same circumstances and committing a turnover. So there’s that difference between Dereck and Daniel. Another is that Dereck gets about triple the rebounds per minute than Daniel. That’s because Dereck is significantly larger than Daniel. There’s also the fact that Dereck is quicker and more nimble. Daniel is slow-footed in a way that no 6’-9” NBA Big should be. Watching Daniel, it feels like he had the Wolverine Procedure and there was some metal infused into his leg bones. “Fleet of foot” is not something that you would describe Daniel Gafford as. But back to Dereck, he’s freaking amazing and it’s just wild that he’s been the best big man in a series with French Rejection, Karl Towns (lol), and Naz Reid. As a twenty-year-old! Shout out to Duke for making people think that Dereck Lively wasn’t an amazing basketball player. He’s blocking the piss out of Harry Potter when Harry attempts layups. When Dereck Lively is on the court, Harry shies away from attempting layups in a noticeable way. Dereck Lively protects the rim! There are a lot of professional big men who don’t do that! Namely, Myles Turner, Karl Towns, and Lord Voldemort (sorry). Pretty much everyone besides Dereck Lively and Chet Holmgren. Fine, French Rejection does too, but not as well as the two rookies. How we live in a world where the only two legitimate rim protectors in the NBA Playoffs who aren’t French Rejection are two rookies is beyond me. But that’s the world we’re living in. I’ve accepted it, and you’d be better off if you did too.

How the refs didn’t call French Rejection for a foul on that one Lively dunk is beyond us. That needed to be an and1. Another officiating injustice that went against Dereck was the play where Towns kneed him in the penis. Tony Brother reviewed that play and STILL didn’t change it to a foul on Towns. There was a point in the game where the Timberwolves seemed to get every call but then the dipshit refs started calling fouls on the Timberwolves. Shout out to Mike Conley, Jaden McDaniels, and Karl Towns for getting the Mavericks into the bonus with eight minutes left in the second quarter. They kept committing fouls too. The Timberwolves don’t let the other team reaching the bonus prevent them from committing more fouls.

Dereck Lively is so goddamn good. Let a nigga Lively!

If the good people of Dallas, Texas don’t band together and put a hit on Karl Towns for not only kneeing Lively in the penis but then kneeing him in the back of the head, we will be disappointed in the people of Texas. Maybe a hit is a little excessive, but serious food poisoning at the very least. Something to bring harm to Karl Towns. Maybe a lab-grown respiratory disease. His family has a problem with those. Just something to atone for the karmic injustice that Karl Towns committed yesterday by attempting to take Dereck Lively’s life.

When Lively left the game, you felt like the Mavs were going to give away the lead. That’s what it feels like when you replace Dereck Lively with Daniel Gafford and Dwight Powell. Jesus Christ, Dwight Powell is awful. He shouldn’t be allowed to wear The Jalen’s.

Gafford sees Lively dribble and thinks that he is now capable of that. Gafford is not. Gafford had three turnovers because he can’t dribble. He can’t really catch either. For the vast majority of the third quarter, you watched Daniel Gafford and thought to yourself, “Fuck, the Mavs were on their way to an easy win and now Gafford is fucking them. No wonder he played on the Wizards. Minnesota is starting to get layups now that Lively is out. Fuck! Gafford needs to go back to Washington. Or Charlotte. His destiny was always to be rostered on one of those perpetually losing Leastern Conference teams.”

We were thinking that not only because of the backbreaking turnovers that Gafford commits but also because of the absolutely awful fouls that he makes. The one that was on French Rejection just before halftime when the Wolves were in the bonus was probably the worst foul of the playoffs. Less than a second remaining in the half. Trying to fight for an OFFENSIVE rebound. You can’t foul in that situation when the other team is in the bonus. Daniel Gafford deserved whatever scathing rebuke Stan Van was giving him during that close-up during French Rejection’s free throws. Just giving the Timberwolves points for nothing. Also, Daniel Gafford ends up splayed on the ground too much after trying layups. It allows the Timberwolves to have fastbreaks without Gafford in a position to contest layups. Bad stuff.

Is Stan Van really going out and telling people that his wife killed herself? Are people saying that Stan Van is brave for doing that? Or are they (rightly) pointing out that Stan Van’s wife probably killed herself because Stan Van wouldn’t stop eating candy, and suicide was preferable to getting a divorce and publicly embarrassing the man she once loved? Probably the former. People love buying Stan Van’s bullshit.

But yeah, Gafford had that last three minutes and completely atoned for the horseshit (get it? He plays on the Mavericks) that he was giving us for the first three quarters. When he had that pin block of Mike Conley, we said, “Lions, tigers, and bears. OH MY!”. We could watch that celebration by Gafford after that block all day. When Gafford had THAT ally-oop, we screamed in a way that made surrounding neighbors hear us. That building must have been delirious after that dunk. Gafford might not be seven feet tall, but his arms are extremely long. Over 7’2” according to his pre-draft measurables. You saw it on that ally-oop.

Thanks, Daniel for not pissing away that game. You deserve to be on a legitimate playoff team.

We love the long arm of justice that Derrick Jones extends to the roof of the building after canning corner threes. Derrick owed us some made triples, and yesterday he came through. We didn’t know how much we loved Derrick Jones playing alongside Lord Luka, but we love Derrick Jones playing alongside Lord Luka. People forget that he played on the Heat team that lost to the Lakers in the bubble. People never knew that he cheated on his ACT so he had to sit out some games at the end of UNLV’s season. Shout out to Derrick Jones for cheating. It only makes us love him more because that’s so relatable. We love cheating.

Did I include BIG DADDY as one of the five most trustworthy free-throw shooters in the playoffs?! I did! He absolutely is!

Bettina, sugah!

Big Daddy’s free throws are all perfect swishes and he made a BIG-TIME three late in the fourth quarter. Two for six isn’t amazing but that’s forgiven because Big Daddy has absolutely zero hesitation on his attempts and he made the BIG-TIME attempt at the end of the fourth quarter.

The Dallas crowd really erupts in an obvious way when Big Daddy attempts open corner threes. They get ballistic for that, and everything that Dereck Lively does. We freaking love Big Daddy!

Speaking of people who we love, Kyrie Irving is on this team! How Harry Potter thought that he could say Kyrie’s name out loud after vanquishing the Nuggets is beyond me. Absolutely zero people on this Timberwolves team have any ability to extinguish the Cherokee-Chipotle spirit that flows through Little Mountain. Somehow, the Thunder were able to make us think that Kyrie Irving’s soul wasn’t something that was blessed by the Iroquois, but it is.

Is Cason Wallace really someone who can guard Kyrie?! Rottweiler?! Shai Gilgeous?! Maybe!!

Whenever the Timberwolves make runs that put the outcome of the game in doubt, Kyrie is right there to take (and make) an insane transition three right in NAW’s face. Five made shots during the fourth quarter, and most of those were on NAW. One of them left NAW wiggling on the ground like a fish out of water. It’s truly insane. Harry Potter and Karl Towns sometimes double-team Kyrie and all that results from those doubles is Kyrie running around Karl Towns and making another shot. There was a corner attempt from Kyrie over Karl that reminded us of that four-point play that Kyrie had on PJ Tucker. The shot might as well have been PJ Tucker’s last moment in the league. Kyrie is just amazing. He played in the best game of all time, and he won that game. Kyrie is on a mission again, and when Little Mountain is on a mission, you best be leaving him alone. Sorry, Harry. Maybe you can take this and learn something from it. Talk about other niggas. Leave Kyrie alone. He’s ending your season.

Yes, Kyrie had some turnovers because he tried to dribble through impossible circumstances. We will look past that. Kyrie Irving is catching dreams and burning sage to cleanse the spirit of Little Game James’ playoff failures. We will all walk behind Kyrie Irving, for he is the shepherd to the Promised Land. By walking in Kyrie’s flock, we are choosing the path of enlightenment.

Was Kyrie Irving wearing moccasins during game 3? Is that the shoe that China Company X is making for Kyrie now?!

We still don’t like Jaden Hardy, but he actually played all right in this game. Tony Brothers actually hates Jaden Hardy more than I do. That “offensive foul” that Jaden was called for on Mike Conley was bad. It took away a made basket too. Sorry, Jaden. There was also a bad call that went against Jaden during a defensive possession. We hate to admit it, but Jaden is probably going to be a useful sixth man in Lord Luka’s service for the next few years. When Lord Luka gets too tired from thrusting himself into Jaden McDaniels, Lord Luka hands the ball to Jaden and says, “go do something Jaden. I need a break”. And sometimes Jaden does something! He’s definitely too thirsty for our taste, but he’s not scared to play like Dante Exum is. How Tim Hardaway JR is getting DNP-CD’s because he is so much worse than Jaden Hardy is a plot twist that we definitely did not see coming. Good for Jaden.

Harry Potter might have destroyed all of Lord Voldemort’s Horcruxes, but we’re seeing Harry’s life after the Battle Of Hogwarts, and in seeing that, we see Harry get embarrassed in a wizarding battle against another adversary. Harry keeps making turnover-worthy passes. I have no clue why the Mavericks ever double-team Harry Potter after screens. With one person guarding Harry Potter, he will either make a bad pass or take a midrange shot that clanks off the rim. Harry Potter was utter dogshit (get it? He plays for a team with a lupine nickname. Dogshit!) yesterday. Missing more shots and making more turnovers that caused fastbreaks. Yeah, he had that one dunk on Gafford. Great. Awesome highlight. He was awful in that game. Harry Potter is acting like I was after getting eight games over five hundred. Shouting “Maybach Music” and believing that continuing down the Yellow Brick Road would be completely devoid of evil flying monkeys. Both of us were in for a rude awakening. Sorry, Harry. You’re a wizard but that doesn’t mean that you’re immortal.

Jaden McDaniels might have been making shots, but he was committing too many fouls. Kyrie Irving was taking some wild chances roaming off of Jaden McDaniels standing at the three-point line. Hopefully, Jaden adds ten pounds of muscle in the offseason and avoids getting charged with murder.

Karl Towns didn’t throw this game in an obvious and abhorrent way as he did during Mother’s Day. He just passed up shots in the beginning of the game, and then when the game continued, Karl missed most of his weak attempts. Here at Wrongbomb, we try to avoid any and all basketball headlines and articles before submitting these for consumption, but this morning we couldn’t help but notice that Chris Finch was quoted as saying how hard it was to watch Karl Towns be the reason that the Timberwolves’ season is ending in a sad and hopeless way. Does that mean that the Wolves are finally trading him for Trae Young? I mean, they’re already leaving Naz Reid in the game over Karl because Naz is so obviously better. Pray that the Atlanta Hawks are OK with rostering a clinically diagnosed dummy on their sad-sack roster.

By the way, if Naz Reid played on the Raptors, could he be their mascot too?

Holy fuck that game was incredible.

Celtics 🍀 (-7.5) over RETARDED RABBITS 🐇 🐰

Day 38

Record: 38-37

Leastern Conference.

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-1.5) over Timberwolves 🐺

Day 39

Record: 38-38

🎶Wild goose chase

Wild goose chase

I need a boy like you like a wild goose chase

I need a boy like you like a wild goose chase

You better find somebody to take my place

Let the games begin

Yeah here I go again 🎶

One hundred percent of the staff writers and crack research team here at Wrongbomb grew up with mothers who took us on endless car rides with the Dixie Chicks blaring on the speakers. When our resident lip-reader who makes invaluable contributions during the muted playoff broadcasts, bravely played “Hole In My Head” at the communal coffee station many mornings ago, we all knowingly looked at each other. Without saying one word, we knew that we were all indoctrinated into the Church of Jesus Christ of Natalie Maines. We can live life in the shadows, but once her voice enters our heads, we can’t hide. When we hear Natalie, we scream along to the lyrics and dance a country jig.

Our resident wire-tapping expert (he is the one responsible for our intel regarding Slavemaster Glen and Karl Towns’ confidential meetings) watches The Simpsons en Español and even those showrunners know not to change the cameos that Natalie makes on that show.

So, yeah, all of us have a hole in our head from picking the Mavs to cover that game. Some days, we make the pick and then later in the day, we find clarity. We realize that we made a bad decision just to end the process of creating these daily debriefs. That the mental effort of creating the most entertaining written works based on the NBA playoffs has zapped our main writer of all sense and that he made a terrible decision born out of mental fatigue. He has admitted that he’s not smart but he’s still getting a serious flogging for picking the Mavs yesterday. The Wolves aren’t the Retarded Rabbits without Hazel-rah. They’re absolutely a team of payosos, but they’re a legitimate conference finals team. Getting swept isn’t something that happens to a legitimate conference finals team.

Luckily for us, the bootleg TNT feed was from NBA League Pass, so we got to see the fun fans who attend Dallas professional basketball games. We saw Micah Parsons inexplicably wearing a black t-shirt under his Lord Luka jersey. Micah should be showing everyone his arms. Those are arms that are made to be in sleeveless jerseys. Also, Micah is from Pennsylvania and he should have been wearing a Derrick Jones jersey because they’re both from that state. Derrick Jones deserves to have some acknowledgment of his above-average play and Micah dropped the ball on that.

Alex Ródriguez was in attendance. As was Slavemaster Glen. How nice of the Mavericks' new owners to allow the Timberwolves ownership to witness what will be their only win of the series.

In case you didn’t know, Dallas has a special section above the lower bowl that seats a group of obese middle-aged men who perform synchronized dances. They’re all really fat. That’s supposed to be a part of their charm. In Texas, obesity is something to smile at. How does someone grow up to be a member of the Obese Mavericks Fan Dance Team? Those men couldn’t have been primary schoolchildren who dreamed of being three-hundred-pound dancers for the Mavericks. Something had to have gone terribly wrong in their lives and we want to know.

Behind the media table, there was a woman in a pink dress who was holding a microphone. She was the kind of woman who took all the attention whenever she was unknowingly put on the screen. My goodness. We were not expecting that from a Dallas home game. There were actually some other war-starters in the crowd but that woman was the most noticeable. Both for her pink dress and for her looks that men were ruthlessly engineered by nature to notice. She might’ve been a local reporter for one of the teams. Shout out to her. There haven’t been a lot of noticeable women in these playoffs. There has been her and a couple of hard-working professionals who attended that game in Oklahoma City. The professionals who were wearing leather ensembles when every other person was wearing a blue stadium shirt. Yeah, that stood out. That, and the obvious fact that they were a couple of people who did not live in Oklahoma City.

Maybe the fact that the Miami Heat aren’t making an inexplicable deep run in the playoffs is why there hasn’t been anyone like Silvana Mojica who has ruthlessly hogged our attention.

How did we not pick the Timberwolves when we have been heaping praises onto Dereck Lively?! We saw game 3 and how for the vast majority of it, the Mavs seemed lost without that man! Ugh. Gafford actually played really well in this game. His dunks were great, and three blocks felt like five. We know that he blocked Karl Towns twice on one possession. The box score rightly credited him with those two rejections in the fourth quarter. There must have been some missed blocks.

Zero turnovers from Gafford, so Stan Van didn’t have any opportunity to complain about Gafford's travels. Oh well. Stan Van can find another way to distract people from the fact that his wife committed suicide and that she did so because Stan Van sucked out all the life force from her. Tom Brady taught us that injuries are your fault, and if you have a private moment with Tom, he would tell you that a wife committing suicide is the husband’s fault. Tom preaches responsibility. Listen to Tom Brady. If he was in charge of an NBA team, he would’ve signed Kyrie to a max three years ago. Through all the nonsense, we can trust Tom Brady to show us the light.

Stan Van couldn’t complain about any Gafford turnovers, and he couldn’t complain about any missed free throws from Gafford. Yesterday, Daniel Gafford stepped up to the plate. He honored Dereck Lively with his performance. If Daniel Gafford was in Karl Towns’ dad’s shoes, he would have lost seventy-five pounds after Karl’s mother died of the CoCo. See, Daniel Gafford has a conscience, and the willpower to change himself for the better. Totally unlike every member of the Towns’ family.

Daniel Gafford also did an excellent job of not being Dwight Powell.

Derrick Jones didn’t get Micah’s support, but he still made two threes and got to do what is probably our favorite three-point celebration. It’s a simple celebration, but we still love it when Derrick extends his left arm to the roof after making threes. Derrick was also wearing some nice KD’s yesterday. In some games, Derrick wears the “Year Of The Dragon” KDs and those are some cool shoes, but yesterday he was wearing a different version of Durantula’s shoe. They were cool!

Listen, we’ve never said anything bad about Jaden Hardy. We’ve never said that he’s “thirsty”. We’ve never said that he reminds us of a bunch of short, shitty black basketball players we played with who tanked our team with missed shot attempts. We’ve never said that Jaden Hardy is the kind of person who willingly gets fat girlfriends. We’ve only said that Jaden Hardy isn’t afraid to go head-to-head against Harry Potter and not completely embarrass himself. Yes, there was one wide-open layup yesterday that Jaden absolutely smoked, but aside from that, Jaden Hardy played like a rightful number-one high school recruit. Jaden Hardy was fantastic yesterday. He rewarded Koach Kidd’s faith in him. Thirteen points in twelve minutes. On eight attempts! What world is this?!

The Mavs lost this game because Big Daddy, Kyrie, and Lord Luka missed too many shots. Collectively, they shot thirty percent and the Mavs still barely lost the game. Yeah, spoiler alert, we’re taking the Mavs in game 5.

Kyrie was the most noticeably disappointing. He usually makes those close shots that he was only missing yesterday. He’s still wearing the moccasins. If our company shoe-plug randomly texts us that he has a pair of those shoes in a size 13, we would probably make an offer on them instead of telling him to fuck off with his Shoe Dreams. See, we at Wrongbomb have always stood in solidarity with Kyrie. We accept that a lot of his spoken words aren’t meant to be taken literally. That most of what he articulates is “for the vibes”. We just know how Kyrie acted during a certain global catastrophe, and how he plays basketball. That’s enough for us. We love Kyrie and in game 5, he will come through for us.

Lord Luka might’ve missed too many two-pointers, but he had some dumb-lit passes. There was one kick out to Kyrie Irving that was missed but was a pass that made us say, “Oh my goodness”. The missed shot just before halftime. There was also the standard Derrick Jones Ally-Oop that was just insane. That ball traveled through the air for almost a second and it was absolutely perfectly placed. Only Lord Luka makes those ally-oop passes. Just nuts. If that play isn’t number one on the Top Plays Video, someone at the NBA office needs to be reassigned.

Lord Luka was also shaking his head during the beginning of this game and we love it when Lord Luka vigorously shakes his head. It reveals his neck fat jiggling back-and-forth.

The last noteworthy thing about the Mavs from yesterday is that Dante Exum was kind enough to come back from the dead. Those five straight points that he scored were unexpected to say the least. Clearly, watching Kyrie has inspired Dante to start taking (and making) left-handed shots close to the basket. After that personal five-point scoring run, the Timberwolves called a timeout and God Shammgod kissed Dante for helping the Mavericks. Good for Dante. There was a shot of him standing next to Mike Conley, and my goodness is Dante Exum much larger than Mike Conley!

Oh, and Dwight Powell was clearly unplayable after three minutes. He let French Rejection strip him of the basketball for no reason, and every screen Dwight guards feel hopeless for the Mavericks. Koach Kidd was right to tell Dwight that he would never see the court again after those three minutes. How Dwight feels OK with wearing The Jalen’s is beyond us. The broadcast is right to show close-ups of Dereck Lively after Dwight Powell does something awful.

Karl Towns wasn’t going to continue shooting like he has been. There was bound to be a rebound in his percentages, and yesterday it happened. Now, there’s no reason to expect his horrible charges and elbows that attempt to kill Big Daddy. It’s nuts that Karl was arguing that elbow on Big Daddy as not being a foul. Gay Bill absolutely relished every moment of explaining to Karl that elbowing a defender through the chin is actually a flagrant foul. Gay Bill knew that the broadcast would show a close-up of him in that moment. He knew what kind of clout that would bring to his Grindr profile. If we were in Gay Bill’s shoes, we would have told Karl to fuck off. Props to Gay Bill for being willing to talk to Karl Towns in the way that he did. Gay Bill is clearly one of those people who would say that they enjoy “customer service” if he worked a shitty job. This world needs all kinds of people.

In addition to letting Karl Towns talk to him about how trying to knock someone out isn’t a foul, Gay Bill also lets Chris Finch limp over to him to argue about calls in an adorable way. It’s cute that the refs take pity on Chris and let him protest calls even though he had knee surgery yesterday. Chris Finch is going to get so fat from not being ambulatory. You already see the moob augmentation coming in.

But back to Karl Towns, he was despicable for the vast majority of this game. He had us wondering what the least amount of time between a season concluding and reports surfacing that a trade has been agreed to in principle for a player. The Timberwolves better pray that the Hawks bought the fourth quarter because for most of this game, Karl was preventing himself from being on the floor because of offensive fouls. He absolutely won the game by making threes, but if you trust Karl Towns to come through for you, you deserve what befalls you.

Harry Potter continues to be shitty. There are a bunch of travels that Harry commits that would be called travels in every pick-up game across the country. Somehow the refs let Harry get away with all those. Scott Foster finally called Harry for a travel and Harry was astonished that a ref actually called him for traveling. He’s accustomed to that rule being for other people and not him. Good for Scott. Evidently, he told his dad that he could be the Michael Jordan of officiating and calling Harry Potter for travels proves Scott a soothsayer of officiating prowess. Scott had big ambitions in life!

Harry got called for traveling, and he was breathing very heavy during the second quarter. He might be only twenty-two, but twenty-two-year-olds still get tired.

Naz Reid wasn’t doing good things in that game, and there was a one-man fast break by Josh Green that featured Naz Reid getting turned around too many times, but there was one moment during the fourth quarter where Lord Luka was guarding Naz, and Naz broke out the hoopmixtape handles against Lord Luka and absolutely dusted him. We love it when Naz Reid gets jiggy with it.

Mavericks 🐴 (+4.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺

Day 40

Record: 39-38

🎶Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition

Need a little bit more of my twelve ounce nutrition

One more helpin’ of what I’ve been havin’

I’m takin’ my turn on the Sin Wagon 🎶

Yes, indeed. Lord Luka and Kyrie Irving are on a mission to make something happen. Oh my God.

Have you bought your Lord Luka Real Madrid jersey yet? We took care of that business after Lord Luka ended Dovin Booker’s career as a serious professional basketball player, and hopefully more people will take care of that little business now that Lord Luka did that to Harry Potter. Lord Luka just loves embarrassing American players. It’s what America deserves for being such a wasteful country when it comes to producing world-class basketball players. America needs Lord Luka to loudly remind people that they’re a country of deluded ineffectiveness.

Who were the people who picked the Wolves to cover that game?! Jesus Christ that was just a demolition. Maybe that was not as nasty as when Devin Booker played Lord Luka in that one game, but that’s just because this wasn’t a game 7. That game was tied at eighteen and turned into a game that Luka Garza played in! Lmao.

We didn’t get to see any broadcast shots of Alex Ródriguez. Too bad. An embarrassed A-Rod is the best A-Rod. Slavemaster Glen was shown though! He had a face that seemed stuck after Lord Luka made maybe his fifth stepback forty-foot three-pointer of the first half. That’s nice, but it’s not as fun as witnessing an aghast A-Rod. Off the top of my head, only a crestfallen Reptile Marc tops the joy that emanates from our beings at the sight of a shell-shocked NBA owner. Maybe if Jeanie Buss cried, that would be the best but the Lakers are never making a serious run in the playoffs so that’s too far gone from reality to imagine.

There is a woman who sits courtside along the baseline of the Wolves’ bench side of the court who is extremely hot. She goes to most of the Wolves’ home games in that seat, and she’s most noticeable for wearing a white flat-brim hat (indoors). She seems like a model Minnesotan woman. White, chunky arms that seem to belong to a woman who plays sports, no one’s idea of skinny, still super hot. She stayed for the entirety of that bloodbath which is not something that the majority of fans at that game could say. Wolves fans aren’t spoiled like Thunder fans, and they don’t loathe their team like Boston fans. They should stay for the whole game. Minnesota isn’t Miami or Los Angeles. At least boo the home team when things get bleak.

Snoop Dogg stayed for the whole game! He had to because at the end of the game, he coronated Lord Luka as a legitimate Hood Nigga who sells purp by the pound. So shout out to Calvin Broadus for taking care of that official business.

Goddamn, Lord Luka did something that no one else in the league could do. Seriously, who else would score thirty points in the first quarter of a road playoff game to eliminate a team?! No one! LeBron James on the Heat wouldn’t even have done the thing that Lord Luka did yesterday! If we didn’t reserve wearing the Lord Luka Real Madrid jersey for truly sacred moments, we would be wearing that thing today. Jesus Christ, every single Timberwolf tried guarding Lord Luka and it changed absolutely nothing. Those forty-foot threes were hitting nothing but net. They were violently swishing through the net with obvious velocity. Did Lord Luka tell Harry Potter at the end of game 3 that he was going to let Harry Potter have game 4, but only to make it hurt that much more when Lord Luka made threes just in front of the sideline in his face?! Goddamn. Harry Potter had to give up guarding Lord Luka, but switching Mr. Anderson onto Him did nothing. Lord Luka might have gotten the ball poked away by Mr. Anderson once, but don’t let anyone tell you that Mr. Anderson is anything resembling an answer to slowing Lord Luka. Jesus Christ, Lord Luka made stepback threes over Mr. Anderson like he was trying to make a grown man cry.

Interspersed between maybe the greatest shooting display in NBA playoff history was the standard wizardry that we come to expect from Lord Luka in pick-and-rolls. That floater that Lord Luka made right in front of French Rejection a minute into the third quarter might as well have been the game.

Even when Lord Luka is making forty-footers, you don’t double-team Lord Luka. You accept Lord Luka’s heaves because doubling him means that the Mavs get layups or dunks from his assists (or hockey assists). One of Lord Luka’s assists was a bounce pass off the backboard. It was to Gafford. That pass was supposed to be an ally-oop but Gafford wasn’t quite ready to jump that high so the ball bounced off the backboard and into his hands before an easy dunk. No, Lord Luka was not rightfully credited with an assist for that pass off the backboard. Oh well. Lord Luka was actually robbed of another assist but that was because Derrick Jones didn’t complete the customary insane alley-oop from Lord Luka to Derrick. Actually, Big Daddy was the player who took it upon himself to throw down on a ridiculous lob pass from Lord Luka. You don’t see alley-oop passes thrown with as much speed as that completion to Big Daddy. Just another instance of Lord Luka doing things that other NBAers don’t do. Sorry, Harry Potter. Sorry, Slavemaster Glen. Sorry, Chris Finch.

The broadcast showed a stunned Chris Finch sitting behind the bench with his knee all torn up. That was the face of a man who was thinking to himself, “Well, fuck. I guess we’ll try this again next year. Someone call Landry Fields and Tony Ressler’s son. We’re gonna need Trae Young.”

Harry Potter is quoted on the ESPN app as saying that he’ll be back. Don’t take that seriously. In the reality that you and I share, it is unlikely that the Timberwolves find themselves in another conference finals. That was just a case of Athletes Saying Stuff.

Did we say that Kyrie Irving wasn’t going to miss shots like he did in game 4? Oh yeah, we did! Yeah, Kyrie scored just as much as Lord Luka but it just didn’t happen in the first quarter. The Five Nations sacrificed the last American Bison in Minnesota for the indomitable spirit that flows through Little Mountain. When Kyrie Irving wear the Chief Hela shoes that China made for him, he can not lose in Minnesota. Not when the Holy Bison’s blood has been spilled so that the spirit of the Five Nations could flow through his fingertips.

You don’t see banked-in, catch-and-shoot eighteen-footers very often, but when Little Mountain is painting a masterpiece, expect to see the unexpected.

NAW has reserved his tour through the Sioux Nation. Kyrie insisted upon it after the game, and NAW can’t say No to any proposal of Little Mountain’s. Not after he made NAW look like a flapping fish again. Jesus Christ, NAW did that clapping when he was locking up Limp Dick and then he played a legitimate supernova like Little Mountain and he looks like a choking mackerel.

There was a missed shot by one of the Mavs players that Little Mountain tipped in between Naz Reid and French Rejection that was a cause for an immediate Wolves timeout. You could make that play the symbol of the game. Six-foot-three Kyrie Irving making an offensive tip-in between two Timberwolf giants.

When Harry Potter made a few threes and started the fakest cumback in the history of fake cumbacks, Kyrie was right there to clap on defense in an effort to convince his teammates that they needed to step up the intensity with their defensive effort. There were at least three Timberwolves’ possessions that ended in shot clock violations because the Mavericks’ defense was so suffocating. Let’s credit Kyrie Irving for coaching up the defense. Kyrie, but also Lord Luka for pulling the chair on Naz Reid. That move that Lord Luka pulled on Naz Reid was right after Kyrie put Naz in the blender with time-warped dribble moves. Not a great day at the office for Naz Reid.

Kyrie deserved every second of that emotional postgame hug between him and Reptile Marc. Credit to Reptile Marc for being there to hand Kyrie Irving a hundred and fifty million dollars because Kyrie Irving deserves every penny. Fuck Nike. If they only want cringe bluetards who only pretend to read books like LeBron James, let them go to ruins.

In between Kyrie Irving giving us another Vintage Kyrie masterpiece and Lord Luka taking out a bazooka and ending Harry Potter’s hopes of taking Cho Chang to the ball, Josh Green had an inexplicable transformation into White Chocolate. There was that confounding dime to Big Daddy. The same pass from Lord Luka a few games ago that Josh screwed up. But that was just the appetizer for what came later. Watching the game, you just saw a crazy sequence where it felt like every Maverick refused to hold onto the ball but the broadcast was kind enough to replay the Josh Green pass to Daniel Gafford that clearly showed how Josh Green made a fucking no-look behind-the-back pass to Gafford in transition. Gafford got fouled on his shot, so it doesn’t count as an assist though. Don’t let the fact that the Josh Green pass to Gafford will be lost forever since it didn’t lead to a made basket. It was a sick pass, and definitely not something that we ever expected from Josh Freaking Green. The broadcast replayed the insane behind-the-back pass from Joshie, but we couldn’t find any YouTube shorts of that pass. You’re just going to have to take our word for it. Josh Green took some psychedelics before game 5 and decided to try some sick shit with the ball. Shout out to Australia. The land that witnessed Kyrie Irving's entrance into this world.

So there were the mind-bending assists from Joshie, but there was also the strong defense against Karl Towns. When Karl doesn’t get sidetracked by his mother’s early death, he can take smaller players on rides to the rim. Not Joshie. Joshie gets his butt low to the ground and makes himself an immovable object when he guards Karl Towns. Joshie was just fantastic yesterday. Give that man his vegemite on toast!

Oh, and don’t forget about that delightful stank face that Joshie made after catching an errant Naz Reid pass while sitting on the bench. The broadcast replayed that a bunch and we’re not sure if they mentioned what a funny face Joshie made. Probably not since that play resulted in Lord Luka getting hit and acting like the impact was from a semi-truck.

Big Daddy didn’t make four threes, but he made two! Big Daddy continues to not miss free throws as well. He’s making us look real smart for saying that he’s one of the most trustworthy foul shooters in these playoffs. Solid performance from Big Daddy.

Derrick Jones Jr might have missed his opportunity to make another insane alley-oop with Lord Luka but he made a three and got to show us our cherished three-point celebration! Hand out those kisses, Derrick!

French Rejection gave Derrick a penis-check and somehow Koach Kidd thought it was a good idea to leave Derrick in the game despite Derrick barely being able to walk. These Timberwolves players are hitting the Mavericks’ genitals more than what’s customary in a basketball contest. Karl Towns did it to Derek Lively and yesterday, French Rejection was administering Penis Checks to Derrick Jones. Hey, Timberwolves players, don’t worry. You’re not getting plastered by women. The Mavericks only employ male basketball players.

So there are the Penis Checks that the Timberwolves are administering, and there are the inadvertent blows to the back of Derek Lively’s head. Two games ago, it was Karl Towns, and yesterday it was Naz Reid who wanted to try and make Derek Lively twitch like Tua. Koach Kidd somehow left Lively in the game after Naz tried to sever his cerebral cortex. Koach Kidd ignores serious injuries. Gafford wasn’t even bad (he was actually amazing), but Koach Kidd still obviously prefers Lively to be on the court. Even if it risks permanent brain damage. Oh well.

The box score tells us that Karl Towns was actually the only source of halfway-decent offense for the Timberwolves. Watching the game, you felt like Karl was going to set the record for the quickest trade agreement involving a max player after a season concluded. His points were probably all in the first quarter because you didn’t feel like Karl was making meaningful contributions during that game. There was a moment in the third quarter when Harry Potter was smiling and licking his lips in a way that made zero sense. We can only assume that Harry was thinking about who to trade Karl Towns for after that game ended. Hopefully, it’s Trae Young.

French Rejection made a push-shot that made me almost throw-up, and not because I wanted to feel good. Because that shot that French Rejection attempted was against the laws of nature.

Somehow, Slavemaster Glen didn’t cancel all of the scheduled entertainment during intermissions. The crowd must have been silent during those performances, and the entertainers must have been mortified by having to act like the home team wasn’t choking on their own vomit. That was a Timberwolves performance that shouldn’t have been interrupted by drum line recitals and pop singers. Let alone cheerleaders throwing t-shirts into the stands with forced smiles. The Mavs got up thirty and then proceeded to do the thing where offenses just pass the ball around to every player during possessions like passes equal points. The Mavs were toying with a defense that was the best in the league for the entire season!

So yeah, fuck the Timberwolves. They are who we thought they were. It took twenty years for them to make the conference finals after Kevin Garnett took them there all those years ago, and it will probably be another twenty years before they get another opportunity to collapse like they did against Lord Luka. It’s what they deserve for wearing those hideous green and black jerseys. Seriously, the Wolves had those amazing tree-lined jerseys with that font that looked like icicles and now they were those bland, corporatized jerseys. For shame.

The Mavericks wore their “Dirk Throwbacks” which is the only edition of Dallas jersey that isn’t cringe worthy. Good for them.

Last thing. Luka Garza played! He made three shots when the Timberwolves’ bench was obviously auditioning for their next team. Luka Garza deserves to be on an NBA roster for a decade. Mostly for his noticeable enthusiasm on the bench but also for his scoring touch. Anyone would be a lucky person to have Luka Garza as a personal hype man and Harry Potter needs to keep Luka Garza on his side.

For The Finals, we’re adopting this strategy called “Pick Boston on the road and pick against them at home”.

Mavericks 🐴 (+6.5) over CELTICS 🍀

Day 41

Record: 39-39

“Ahn-dre-ah, you know how I feel about excuses. I’m not particularly interested in hearing yours now. I expect something like this will never happen again, correct? That’s all.”

Rereading books isn’t something that we have ever done or been particularly interested in, but man. If we did, Devil Wears Prada might be the first one. Even before Harry Potter. Shout out to Miranda Priestly for being someone whom we empathized with.

No one wants a dissertation in losing. No one wants to hear how I need a pardon because I pick these games as soon as the last game concluded. Not even our dear editor wants to hear how before game 1 started, I told him that picking the Mavs and the points was a dumb fucking pick. How only after walking around with the lead anvil that was the fact that I picked the Mavs to cover against this version of the Celtics, could I come to the epiphany that there was too much recency bias going on with Lord Luka and this short Mavs team after eliminating the Timberwolves. Ugh. It hurts, and the fact that I saw it coming before the game started only makes it hurt more.

People like basketball players, and famous people in general, because of how relatable they find them. Here at Wrongbomb, we love Lord Luka because we find it relatable how he plays basketball like someone who wouldn’t be satisfied with just killing French Rejection and Karl Towns. Lord Luka seems like the kind of ruthless leader who wouldn’t just stop at eliminating his enemies, but someone who would take care of his enemies’ families as well. If we were in medieval times and marauding town after town, we would definitely be one of those evil people. The kind that burned villages on their way out. With Lord Luka, we smell a kindred spirit.

So it is with that sentiment that we say how repugnant yesterday was for el niño maravilla. From the second that game started, Lord Luka was moving fat. Did he gain ten pounds between the end of the Bestern Conference Finals and yesterday? Those awful black uniforms that the Mavericks wear, try to hide how goddamn obese Lord Luka is, but even those ensembles couldn’t prevent us from seeing the obvious fact that Lord Luka has not stopped eating custard-filled donuts for over a week. God, that was hard to watch. We want to believe that having a daughter will inspire Lord Luka to get in shape, but we know how this works. People who are in the kind of shape that Lord Luka is in before they have children are not the people who get abs upon entering parenthood. No, people like Lord Luka (and Zion Williamson lol), are the people who tailspin into type 2 diabetes upon bringing another life into this world. It’s sad to see and it hurts our heart. Lord Luka was supposed to be someone we could point to and say, “Look, that’s me” but he’s just a fat asshole. My God, that was just an abhorrent performance. Shame on Slovenia. Yesterday, Lord Luka brought great dishonor to that country. Of course, Lord Luka couldn’t escape his fatness enough to avoid going two for five from the free-throw line. Yesterday, Lord Luka was too fat to make free throws. That spurt during the third quarter was the dictionary definition of a fake cumback. Lord Luka made those faces, and absolutely zero people in the crowd were legitimately scared that the Mavericks would make that a serious game.

Along with telling the editor of this fine establishment that picking the Mavs to cover game 1 was a dumb fucking idea, we also told him to take the under on Kyrie Irving’s point total. That was prescient. Kyrie is looking really small, and really retarded on this Boston court. Kyrie is making these faces like the Mavericks just need to stay the course and that everything will be alright. That the Mavs just need to avoid panic and that alone will prevent them from getting utterly humiliated on basketball’s biggest stage. No, Kyrie. No amount of mental fortitude will change the fact that the Mavs are collectively small, and unathletic at every position compared to this juggernaut team we call the Boston Celtics. The spirit of Andrew Jackson is alive and well inside my basketball twin flame. These Celtics know that they can not rest until every last one of the Mohicans is burned alive. Kyrie Irving is part Mohican, and that’s a problem for the Mavericks.

Alien Eyes dunked on Kyrie. Did you forget that? Yeah, Kyrie gave Alien Eyes a weak two-armed push and Alien Eyes still dunked on his Chipotle ass. The shove was so weak that the dipshit refs didn’t consider calling a foul on Kyrie for one nanosecond. Alien Eyes isn’t someone who dunks on niggas, but he got one on Kyrie! Fuck, that was bad.

Kyrie actually started this game by ceaselessly poking the ball out of Tin Man’s grasp, but that was NOT a harbinger of things to cum. Kyrie’s early defense was one of those smoke signals that the Mohicans made to throw packs of wolves off their scent. Kyrie needed a distraction from how terrible he was shooting the ball yesterday. God forbid one of the Mavericks make a wide-open three after Lord Luka collapses every defender on the Celtics into a scrum around the rim. Kyrie and Big Daddy both missed every three they attempted. Most of those were the kind of open that you don’t see in The Finals. “Dare you” shots. The Celtics dared those two, and those two didn’t come through. Just like the Celtics’ Coach (who is still on Meghan’s List) knew they wouldn’t.

So that was one of the big problems that the Mavs had yesterday. An utter refusal to make wide-open threes. That was maybe the fifth biggest problem for them yesterday.

What was the first problem? Probably the fact that Kristaps Porzingis and Tin Man are protecting the rim in a way that makes the Mavericks look like they don’t play in the same league as the Celtics. My God, the Mavericks feel completely hopeless when they try close shots. It looks pathetic. Derrick Jones Jr is still pump-faking and the game ended twelve hours ago. Jaden Hardy tried a layup that went behind the backboard instead of in front of it. Because of course. Jaden Hardy went back to being the thirsty douchebag that I thought he was when I first saw him. There were terrible attempts at going through Kristaps. There was a distasteful one-on-two “layup” attempt that was bad because Tin Man was one of the two. Jaden Hardy has zero shot scoring through, around, or over Tin Man. Especially yesterday. For some reason, Tin Man was playing defense like Chet Holmgren yesterday. Oh wait, we know why! Because Tin Man has been consistently attending “Mat Pilates in the Park”! The Saturday morning outdoor pilates class that Antonio Brown and I lead! Yeah, ever since we started charging five dollars to alleviate some of the debt collectors who won’t stop calling Nino Brown, Tin Man has been one of our most consistent attendees. Tin Man gets a big kick out of how we treat him the same way that we treat Ms. Hathaway, the late-fifties divorcee who recently got implants and is desperately holding on to her last few months of hotness. See, Nino and I value equality. Not treating people differently just because everyone knows they’re wealthy. To us, Tin Man is the same as Ms. Hathaway. Two people with just enough good taste in workout leaders to support us in our mission to pay for stuff by telling people how to lay on their sides and make bicycle kicks with their outer legs in order to live with the hip fluidity of a young Michael Jackson.

We mentioned Kristaps regarding rim protection, right? Because Josh Green thought that he could break the Mavs out of their fecklessness near the rim by trying to put Kristaps on a poster. Everyone saw that attempt coming, and while it was an admirable attempt, Josh doesn't have the strength to throw down a dunk like that against Kristaps. Josh Green is no Tin Man. He’s certainly no Shaquille O’Neal. You need to have gorilla muscles like Shaq or Tin Man to complete a dunk like the one Josh Green admirably attempted.

Listen, the Mavericks were so terrible that Koach Kidd decided to bring out Tim Hardaway Jr! That means that the Mavs were beyond hopeless. When Koach Kidd plays THJ, that means the Mavs have no hope of winning the contest. Ever since THJ goaded the refs into calling that nonsense push foul on Mike Conley, Koach Kidd has refused to play THJ. If you have THJ’s body, and you get pushed around by Mike Conley, you can’t play unless the Mavs are beyond fucked. Yesterday, the Mavs were beyond fucked.

The Mavs were fucked almost immediately after the game started! The first Celtics bucket was Big Al pump-faking Daniel Gafford into the courtside seats from the corner three spot. Big Al then proceeded to dunk that basketball right in front of the mother of his children. How Koach Kidd decided to stick with Daniel Gafford instead of Lively (or even Kleber) after Gafford did that shit is beyond us. The box score doesn’t scream that Gafford was shit-bagging the team yesterday, but there was that unfortunate sequence. There are also a bunch of times where you see Gafford wind up to try and block Tin Man to no avail. Tin Man pays no mind to Gafford, but even if Gafford bothered Tin Man enough to coax a miss near the rim, the Celtics would just get the easily available offensive rebound since Gafford is on another fucking planet after trying to contest a close shot. Also, there are issues with how Gafford moves around. He moves in a way that makes us think he’s weak. Like the Celtics can push him around. Maybe that’s why after the game started, the Celtics had an offensive possession that included five offensive rebounds. One of those offensive rebounds was Lord Luka touching the ball while out-of-bounds and giving Boston one of the fakest smiles we’ve ever seen. That smile was such a lie. If Lord Luka thought that his team was going to avoid getting run over and breaking every bone in their body at that moment in time, he was sorely mistaken.

We have a tough time watching teams refuse to get defensive rebounds, and yesterday, the Mavs were one of those teams. Largely because Daniel Gafford is doing that thing where he doesn’t get rebounds despite him being a “big”. Gafford needs to show the Mavericks something, and it’s hard to picture him doing that. The memory of him blocking Mike Conley and dunking on French Rejection has long faded. Now, Gafford is back to being someone who has the stench of the Washington Wizards coursing through every pore in his body.

Lively wasn’t much better. The loudest part of Lively’s game yesterday was that thirty-second sequence where he got three fouls. The first one of that trio was the most dubious call, but none of them were dogshit ref decisions.

Somewhere between looking impotent around the rim, and missing every open three, amongst the Mavericks' hierarchy of big problems is how stagnant the Mavs offense is. The Celtics are passing the ball and easily finding space when they have the ball. The Mavs are passing once, maybe twice, before starting a difficult one-on-one sequence. It’s leading to Lord Luka getting exhausted from having to do too much work, or Jaden Hardy finding the ball in his hands with six (sex?) seconds left on the shot clock and a lifetime of built-up belief that he’s that nigga. He’s not that nigga at this particular point in time. God, the Mavs looked so freaking awful. It’s a shame that the broadcast isn’t showing Reptile Marc anymore. No more shots of him looking upset. No more opportunities for the general public to see the latest cringe-worthy plastic surgery that Reptile Marc has gotten. Plastic surgery is one of those things that should only be for women. That and alcohol.

Big Al started that Celtics’ party with a goddamn two-hand slamma-jamma right in front of the mother of his children, and he also freaking blocked a Lord Luka step-back three. To say that Big Al was just sensational yesterday would be a ridiculous understatement. Yesterday, Big Al was Jesus Christ.

In case you haven’t googled “Big Al Horford Wife” and you can’t identify Big Al’s wife with less than a second of the broadcast including her, she was the Latina woman in the bedazzled black shirt that had green “Horford” and “42” letters on it. Of course she won a Ms. Universe at 18. Who else would Big Al decide to have five kids with besides a Ms. Universe?! Yeah, she’s 6’-2”.

We’ve mentioned how Kristaps Porzingis putting an unbreakable seal on the rim is the biggest problem for the Mavs, but Kristaps making most of his shots is just stupid. Who freaking made this Celtics team?! Oh yeah, my basketball twin flame. The man who built Butler into a college basketball powerhouse. This Celtics team with Kristaps Porzingis is just filthy. If you’re as wholly unfamiliar with Kristaps as I was before last night, he’s fucking insane. Kristaps Prozingis is the real Wembanyama. What does he do that makes him unfair? Well, he single-handedly prevents the Mavericks from making close shots, and on offense, he either makes thirty-foot threes or dribbles around Derek Lively for two-hand dunks. As I said, just filthy. He’s an incredible basketball player and it’s just insane that my basketball twin flame turned Marcus fucking Smart into THAT. Did anyone say that turning Marcus Smart into Kristaps was anything other than a heist of the Washington Wizards? If they did, demand an admittance of error. I doubted Kristaps turning this Celtics team into a goddamn juggernaut. I sinned, and I’ll admit it.

This game got so out-of-hand that Sam Hauser felt comfortable enough to throw up threes that hit nothing but net. Fucking Christ, the whole Celtics team was oscillating between blocking every Mavericks shot, getting every available offensive rebound, making a fuck ton of threes, and DUNKING THE MAVERICKS INTO SATAN’S LAIR.

How we have failed to mention Tin Man splitting a double-team before dunking Gafford back into being a Wizard is just another point of evidence that supports what an embarrassing flogging that game was for the Mavs. My goodness that dunk was nasty. Tin Man can scream as loud as he wants if he’s going to dunk Gafford back to Washington like that. Oh, and he picked Lord Luka’s pocket while pressing his fat ass. Just a sensational game from Tin Man yesterday. Gorilla dunks, steals of Lord Luka, and at least two blocked dunks of Derrick Jones Jr. People are going to watch that and start believing more in the Mat Pilates group classes that Nino Brown and I are leading. We might need to find a different park. One with more open space. Less squirrels would be ideal too. Those freak me out. Maybe we’ll even provide some complimentary bug spray. That would be extremely thoughtful. It’s the little things that separate group exercise leaders. Things like providing bug spray and leading class without a shirt.

Have we said anything about Jayson Tatum? No, we haven’t. He’s not that great, but this Celtics team is dumb-stacked.

We knew that game was a certified bloodbath when Tatum started making threes. He’s a bad shooter and when he starts making shots, it’s freaking over. Tatum might be a bad shooter, but his footwork around the rim is nothing short of sensational. I’m not sure which Maverick player Tatum dusted on a shoulder fake before throwing down a two-hand dunk. It could’ve been any of them. No Maverick can guard Tatum when Tatum decides to take shots that originate from moves around the rim. Of course, there will be games where Tatum decides to take terrible fadeaways, but if Tatum sticks to close shots, the Mavs are beyond fucked.

Does Markieff Morris wear Kyrie Irving’s China shoes?! Does Maxi Kleber wear Ebola Embiid’s Skechers Shoe?!

Before the game started, we got to see this mediocre Doordash commercial that Malika Andrews and Kendrick Perkins are in. Did you know that Kendrick Perkins makes a mint from artificially inseminating French Bulldog bitches with male French Bulldog cum? Yeah, he does that. He’s one of those people who prey upon weak people’s need to lessen the crushing reality of their unfulfilling human connections with the distasteful anthropomorphization of dogs. But that’s beside the point. The issue with that commercial is the fact that Malika Andrews is in it. She still hasn’t gotten implants even though she can clearly afford them. She would be way hot but only if she got implants. How no one has convinced her to get implants is an issue. Of course, the ninnies who run ESPN aren’t going to convince Malika to take that plunge, but you’d figure the good people over at Doordash could convince her to make herself into the kind of woman who wrecked homes. Ugh. I guess it’s fine. Whatever. If Malika wants to look like the thoroughly average woman that she looks like, it’s her body. Blah, blah, blah, her choice.

Mavericks 🐴 (+6.5) over CELTICS 🍀

Day 42

Record: 39-40

“See that shovel over there? The one with the wooden handle?”

“Yeah. The really dirty one?”

“Exactly. Now, I’m going to turn away from you, and when I do, please take that shovel and put all of the force in your body into swinging the metal part of that shovel with as much violent ardor as your body permits. Target where the back of my head meets the top of my neck with the rounded side of the shovel head. I want blunt-force trauma, not a severing of all the nerves that connect my brain to my body. After I am knocked out could, you have to keep hitting my head with the rounded side of the shovel. Keep going. Don’t stop. Eventually, my skull is going to break and all the goo in my head is going to spill out. When that happens, keep smashing. Those gooey bits need to be eviscerated. Those gooey bits, and also the cracked skull. Don’t be satisfied with just cracking it. My skull needs to be broken up into little calcium rocks. If you don’t get my head-case to that point of disrepair, then I can’t go to the afterlife. So please, Kyrie Irving told me that the Navajo do this to avoid ceaseless damnation. And how can you not trust every word that komes out of Kyrie’s mouth?! I know I can. That dude is God.”

“Uhhh, alright.”

“Thanks. I’ll put in a good word for you when I shake the red hand of Jesus.”

Wow, this is just disgusting. How did the Celtics get this team? Who amongst the NBA executive committee allowed this Celtics team to be made?! Of course, you remember our utter refusal to watch the Celtics on their march toward the Finals, but that was when they didn’t have the unicorn. Kristaps Porzingis just comes into the game and erases every hope of the Celtics’ opponent. It’s bone-crushing to watch.

The Wizards. That’s who decided to allow my basketball twin flame to turn Marcus Fucking Smart into the unicorn. It’s basketball negligence from a franchise that only practices that kind of basketball. How anyone goes to their games is a blight on America.

Now before we get into how utterly pathetic the Mavericks are, there was another bit of swindling that my basketball twin flame orchestrated. We both love a good heist. In our more reflective moments, during our walks in nature where we sweat out our sins, we both admit to ourselves that we may never kick the high that comes with getting away with some good ol’ theft. Hey, it’s better to do it for the thrill than to do it in order to maintain a clandestine heroin addiction. That’s what we both say to ourselves. That, and how we only target nincompoop basketball franchises and corporations. Whatever. We’re both operating without consciences, and we love it.

OK, so the other blind robbery that my basketball twin flame put together was getting Bug Eyes for my ghetto lovechild, President Brogdon, and some Hawaiian Macadamia Nuts. They weren’t covered in chocolate which is how you know that they’re first-rate. No sugary distractions.

There was some “draft stuff” that was thrown in but whatever. “Draft stuff” that was thrown in because somehow my basketball twin flame received “draft stuff” by turning Marcus Fucking Smart into the unicorn. Jesus Christ.

Don’t forget that the Milwaukee Fucks traded Bug Eyes to the Blazers! Yes, the Fucks traded a better player for a worse player, and then that same Better Player was traded to the Celtics. A team who is competing with the Fucks for a championship. The Leastern Conference!

Oh, and don’t give us this shit about Lillard being better than Bug Eyes. Maybe five years ago, but right now, Jrue is better.

OK, let’s detail these lepers who play for Dallas.

How can we not start with Daniel Gafford?! The man with the stink of the Washington Wizards seeping from his every pore! Fuck, he was a repugnant big man yesterday. Still moving like a weak child playing in a basketball game that he shouldn’t be playing. Have you noticed how the Mavericks don’t get defensive rebounds when Daniel Gafford is their only big man? Of course you have, you read these things. You’re clearly a basketball savant.

Yeah, Gafford does absolute dick on the defensive rebounding front. It’s distasteful and it makes us want to ship him out of Dallas in a cramped wooden crate back to the Eastern Seaboard. It’s hard to watch a team play a relatively short player like Gafford who is also physically weak, falls down after every field goal attempt near the rim, misses every free throw he takes, can’t be trusted to have possession of the basketball fifteen feet away from the rim, doesn’t protect the rim, and gets fucking blocked at the rim by Alien Eyes! Have I forgotten any Gafford gaffes?! Probably! That asshole is fucking up the season! Jesus Christ, Alien Eyes is a solid five inches shorter than Gafford, with a much lesser wingspan and Alien Eyes is still rejecting Gafford's dunk attempts. Why wasn’t that play higher up on the Top 10?! Gafford needs to be publicly shamed for that soft effort that he gave Lord Luka yesterday. There needs to be commercials in the Boston area that depict Daniel Gafford as some kind of feeble whipping boy. There needs to be Porzingis, Alien Eyes, or Bug Eyes paddling a meek young man who has Gafford’s superimposed head fixed on him. How many nonchalant layups did Bug Eyes make around Daniel Gafford yesterday?! A bunch! Jesus Christ, even Alien Eyes made a calm runner over Gafford’s bitch-ass. This defense that Gafford is giving Dallas is just terrible. It makes me sick. How this nigga routinely got box scores that said “five blocks, ten rebounds” is just crazy. Well, considering that it was the preseason, I guess it can’t be crazy, but we can’t move forward without acknowledging that Daniel Gafford blows.

Gafford hits himself in the head after he misses free throws in a completely unsurprising way. Since we’ve watched most of the Bestern Conference playoff games, we can credibly inform you that Gafford has been a trainwreck at the free-throw line for the entirety of Dallas’ run through the Bestern Conference. His misses are the opposite of surprising. When Gafford misses free throws, he needs to wear some brass knuckles before he hits himself on the head. What a disaster.

On one play, Gafford tried a shot close to the rim with Porzingis around. A shot, not a dunk. Guess how that went? Yeah, with Gafford on the ground and the Celtics running a fastbreak the other way. Because the Celtics get every loose ball and every long rebound. It’s not enough for the Celtics to be much bigger and stronger than the Mavs. They have to be quicker and more determined too. This is just so bad. Remember when we were saying how the Mavs look like a team that has belief? Those days are long gone.

If you look at the box score (and we looked at the box score, it’s The Finals) you would see that Derek Lively seems to be a problem for the Mavericks. That Derek Lively is no longer playing in a way that makes it crystal clear just how much of a quack Karl Towns is for losing his mother four years ago and still offering that as an excuse for a terrible game.

It’s strange. The most memorable thing that Lively did yesterday was block Porzingis during a fastbreak in a way that a football offensive lineman would block a linebacker to clear the way for a football player running with the ball. Yeah, that was called a foul. We’re not sure that we’ve ever seen that before in an NBA Finals. Usually, players playing in those games know that you can’t push shot-blockers into the ground like that. Shout out to the refs in that game. Goblin Goble, Gay Bill, the Tony Brothers (the guy who looks like those brown things in Mario). They did a great job.

So there was that. Lively isn’t really protecting the rim on defense. Clearly, he’s not scoring. Oh, yeah. Lively isn’t coming down with the touchdown passes that Lord Luka throws him because Sam Hauser is getting pass breakups. That’s not OK. Actually, that’s an embarrassment to blacks. Sam Hauser should not be getting pass breakups against Derek Lively. Yes, Derek’s mom is (wait, was, lol, she’s dead) white but Derek says “nigga” so he gets thrown in the Black Bucket. Derek needs to catch those passes and dunk the ball. You know the passes are perfect because Lord Luka is throwing them. As someone who relished the opportunity to catch long touchdown passes like the ones Lord Luka throws to Lively (and sometimes Gafford), it hurts my soul to see those large men not come down with possession of the ball. You have to reward the faith that the people who throw those passes give you by catching them.

Koach Kidd saw Jaden Hardy act like a selfish pig in game 1 and banished his black ass to the bench. Thanks, Koach Kidd. You can’t lose Finals Games because Jaden can’t understand that he can’t make shots over Tin Man and Porzingis.

Josh Green and Maxi Kleber. Three-point attempts from those two players feel hopeless before they even leave their hands. That’s a problem because the Celtics leave those two wide-open on every three-point attempt. A couple of years ago, there were concerns about the Mavs' ability to surround Lord Luka with legitimate NBA players, and those two were part of the problem. Now, they’re not covering themselves in glory. Actually, they are playing like players who are capsizing the Mavericks.

Koach Kidd let Maxi close the game because… Lively is getting lit up on defense?? Idk. I guess Maxi can slide his feet on defense and for some strange reason, the Mavs don’t feel as hopeless gathering defensive rebounds when Kleber is playing in Gafford’s spot. Lively no-showing like this is exposing the Mavericks' lack of talent. God forbid Dante Exum even try threes half as often as he did during the preseason. Exum and Josh Green are reinforcing the racist belief that Australians can’t play basketball when the stakes are high. Josh Green, Dante Exum, Matisse Thybulle, High School Dance Chaperone, The Quitter. Where would the Land Down Under be without Patty Mills?

Kyrie Irving was born in Australia. He’s pissing all over himself in these games. My goodness, Kyrie was just atrocious. Don’t let the semi-good field-goal percentage fool you. Kyrie was just terrible. Did he say something in the postgame press conference again about how he’s found enlightenment? How’s he just finished a spiritual journey that has led him to a place of inner peace as a member of the Dallas Mavericks? Ugh, Kyrie needs to not make everyone who believed in him, such an obvious ass for espousing the greatness of Kyrie.

Kyrie actually started this game by moving with some genuine verve. If you just watched the first five minutes, you would think that Kyrie had a fine game. You would wonder to yourself, “Is Kyrie Irving going to take us home on Mavs +6.5?” He didn’t. Kyrie can’t get around either of the large-eyed members of the Celtics’ backcourt. Really, it’s sad. Tin Man is swallowing up Kyrie like an all-consuming black hole. Kyrie is begging Tony Brothers to call bail-out fouls on Tin Man and Tony isn’t giving them to Kyrie. Thanks, Tony.

Kyrie is just attempting midrangers over Alien Eyes, and while he’s making some of them, that offensive outcome isn’t going to beat the Celtics.

There was one possession where Lord Luka was running up against the eight-second time limit to cross halfcourt and turned the ball over in the process of passing midcourt. Kyrie was nowhere to be found on that backbreaking turnover. The best dribbler in the history of the game can’t even help Lord Luka when he needs to traverse the court in a timely manner. This is some bad stuff that Kyrie is giving us. He’s not ameliorating the Mavs’ sticky offense, and he’s not getting layups when he tries to dribble around Celtics defenders. Obviously Kyrie has not made a single three-point shot during the entirety of this series. He can’t make a three, and he can’t score on P Rabbit. P Rabbit has made a three in this series!

Lord Luka was obviously sensational and while we don’t feel comfortable with the amount of rim that his midrange fadeaways hit before falling in, you can’t say a bad word about the performance that Lord Luka gave yesterday. He still has too much moob fat hanging out of his jersey and that needs to be addressed after the Celtics sweep the Mavericks, but Lord Luka was phenomenal. El Niño Maravilla.

Big Daddy was fine I guess. He had some loud screwups, but he made a three and other shots. He also might have saved the Mavs’ hopes and dreams by injuring Porzingis. Indeed, he is the businessman who we have been led to believe be. But leading a group effort to make the Celtics’ dental stagecoach explode is asking too much of Big Daddy.

And yes, even in a game that featured some awful free-throw shooting from the Mavs (Lord Luka and Gafford), Big Daddy made his four attempts.

So there was the good from Big Daddy. The scores over Alien Eyes and potentially injuring Porzingis in a serious way. But there was also the bad. Getting blocked by the rim on one of the most crucial opportunities that the Mavs had to put that game’s outcome in doubt. That was not a block by Alien Eyes. Big Daddy saw Tin Man coming up behind him and couldn’t clear the rim on a dunk attempt.

Derrick Jones airballed a three, but he had some great drives to the rim. That steal of Tatum was Derrick Jones predicting the future, and being correct. Good, albeit not great, game from Derrick Jones.

Big Al’s 6’-2” Dominican wife was in her courtside seat. She brought along their oldest son. Mrs. Horford could not give less of a fuck about the game. Being a Miss Universe from the DR probably doesn’t lend itself to being a sports lady. She’s just there to wear some Al Horford gear and be seen. That’s not a bad thing.

Oh, and lol at her representing the DR in Miss Universe. You may not have spent five years living in intimate proximity to a woman trapped in a man’s body who was half Dominican, half Puerto Rican. A woman trapped in a man’s body whose favorite thing in the world was watching you masturbate.

You may not know that Dominicans are the Hispanic version of blacks. Both in terms of skin tone and historical categorization as slaves. Dominicans do not look like Mrs. Horford. Do you know who looks like Mrs. Horford? Spanish women. Mrs. Horford’s mother’s surname is Polanco. Amelia Vega Polanco is so Spanish! She is the carefully bred descendent of Spaniards who moved to the DR to have slaves. If you think that Amelia Horford is Dominican, that’s a You Problem.

Big Al and Miss Universe dated for two months before getting engaged. If you think that courtship needs to last any longer than that, you’re, umm, “misinformed”. They’ve had five children and have been happily married for a decade. If you are “taking it slow” or whatever, you’re getting conned, played, or whatever word you want to use. This shit about building up a relationship is some nonsense that you would sell my sisters. In the reality that you and I live in, you know in an hour, and if you don’t get engaged, or whatever, in two months, you’re just playing scared. So shame on the people who take longer than six months to have a wedding (or children).

She has her phone up for the entirety of the game. Being “present” is not something that Mrs. Horford places any importance on. Something tells me that those five children spend more than their fair share of time under the careful supervision of well-paid Méxican nannies. No shame in that. With the wealth that the Horfords have, nannies should be utilized. We just don’t believe that Mrs. Horford is a woman who will put in the effort that it takes to raise five children. Call us misinformed, but that’s our hunch.

P Rabbit made a halfcourt shot before the third-quarter buzzer and then screamed to the Celtics that “this is the shit he does”. Because he’s P Rabbit and he was made to be a Celtic. In a more perfect world, P Rabbit got a Death Eater tattoo immediately after the game ended in some grungy, but skilled, Boston tattoo parlor. We love P Rabbit and hope that he doesn’t get traded. He can’t stop shutting down Kyrie Irving when they dance together late in the game. Yes, Lord Luka makes every shot over P Rabbit. Lord Luka makes every shot over every Celtic so don’t give P Rabbit any guff for that. P Rabbit stole the ball from Lord Luka in the fourth quarter to at least get some modicum of revenge.

Speaking of Celtics defenders who get lit up by Lord Luka, hey Jayson Tatum! Jayson has been getting lit up in both of these games, but the Celtics are so unfairly stacked that it doesn’t matter. Jayson can continue to miss shots and turn the ball over and the Celtics will still easily win. He gets more rebounds than every big man on the Mavericks, so at least Jayson has that.

This Celtics team is just more athletic, taller, and more committed to passing the ball on offense than the Mavericks. It’s sad to watch the meek efforts that the Mavs are making to win these games. If Porzingis is playing, there is no hope for the Mavericks.

Do you know what really stands out when you watch the Celtics with Porzingis? That there could not be a better free-throw shooting team than these Celtics. It’s just not possible. When Tin Man isn’t mentally blocked from making free throws, the Celtics only have people who make every free throw. It stands out when Lord Luka and Gafford shoot sub-fifty percent from the line.

This Celtics team is just on a different planet than these sad Mavericks.

Bug Eyes somehow almost scored thirty points. When he played on the Fucks, he only missed shots but now he’s in a stacked team and he just makes layups around Gafford and open threes during the fourth quarter. Shout out Campbell Hall HS. Shout out Los Angeles. Bug Eyes is thirty-four and he’s going to win a Finals MVP if he keeps quietly dominating the Mavs like this.

Alien Eyes might have been viciously dunked on by Lively but we’re going to forget that because of the blocks that Alien Eyes gets. He’s protecting the rim better than every Maverick which is sad. He’s also the most reliable three-point shooter for the Celtics, so there’s that tidbit.

What we love about Alien Eyes is that he’s not like the rest of these NBAers who refuse to stand with their hands at their sides. All of these professional basketball players just have to have their hands on their hips and their elbows out. It’s repulsive. As someone who stands around with their hands untethered and loosely neighboring my sides, it's refreshing to see Alien Eyes stand like that. None of this penis-pointing from Alien Eyes.

Tin Man didn’t dunk through the entire Mavericks team like he did in game 1, but he did have that one nice dunk that Maxi Kleber was powerless to prevent. God, this Celtics team is just stupid. Four gorillas and the seven-foot-three unicorn that drills threes and has never missed a free throw in his life.

When Porzingis misses threes, they’re only long rebounds and the Celtics get every one of those. How the Mavericks kept that final deficit to only eight points when they couldn’t make threes, free throws, get defensive rebounds, or manage fewer turnovers than the Celtics is just insane. The Mavericks suck.

There are these commercials for this show called The Bachelorette. In that show, do the guys get put in a Roman Colesium and fight to the death for the privilege to bed an Oriental with boobies? That would be a good show! Definitely better than these pathetic Mavs getting sandblasted by this unfair Celtics team.

My fingers hurt. How many words has this been? Oh, over thirty-four hundred? Wow. Time to end this.

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-1.5) over Celtics 🍀

Yes, I’m abandoning my strategy of fading the Celtics at home and picking them on the road. Discipline is not something I have as a sports picker.

Day 43

Record: 39-41

“Now the answer is in the mirror. Loss has not endowed him with any kind of tragic grandeur, it has just made him stupid and banal. Without her he is without merit or virtue or purpose, a shabby, lonely, middle-aged drunk, poisoned with regret and shame. An unwanted memory rises up of that morning, of his own father and his ex-wife undressing him and helping him into the bath. In two weeks time he will be forty-one, and his father is helping him into the bath. Why couldn’t they just have taken him to hospital to have his stomach pumped? There would have been more dignity in that.”

We wanted to feel the morbid, all-consuming fog that would encompass us if we picked Kyrie and Lord Luka to find a way to stop choking on their own mess, and my goodness did we find that darkness! Could that game have been any more depressing than it was? There was some brief early hope, a soul-squashing return to reality, a counterfeit cumback that can’t really be called counterfeit because the margin got to three points, and finally, a piddling end that exposed the Mavericks to be charlatans. Goddamn, if my shower had a special faucet that let me cleanse my body in gasoline, I would have chosen that particular route of bathing after the black hole that Lord Luka put me in. Jesus Fucking Christ that was just bad. The whole Finals has been one constant shit-pumping and it just fills my entire existence with an all-consuming desolation. Why do I have to be so addicted to picking NBA playoff games against the spread? It just eats away every last ounce of hope and optimism in my body. Jesus Christ, who gambles with money and not just pride? People who gamble with money are just the worst. How can you put any kind of serious stakes into this? Predicting the future is extremely difficult and with the whole odds bullshit and how gambling sites actually shut down your account if you start winning, anyone who gambles with money needs to look in the mirror and admit they’re an irredeemable douchebag. The worst kind of asshole.

What’s really awful about this business is that I’m going to lick my wounds for eight months, and then do all of this again with the braindead belief that I can actually not make a shit sandwich with my record. It’s that ridiculous human predisposition to hope for the best and forget that things end with you choking on your own throw-up. My God, this is just awful.

After the last game, we started with the Maverick who was the leading culprit of their mortifying display of basketball, so we’ll start there today. Lord Luka was just wretched in game 3. Holy fuck he was just a disgusting basketball player yesterday. A disgusting person, really. An embarrassment to Slovenia. An embarrassment to me for owning his Real Madrid jersey.

How many times did Lord Luka straight up lose Tin Man off the ball?! Did the broadcast point out that Lord Luka was playing abhorrent defense with the season on the line? Did they shame Lord Luka for gaining forty pounds of fat since his rookie year?! Seriously, Lord Luka looks so much more healthy in those highlights of him going against the Clippers all those years ago. Now his face is so bloated that he hides behind a full casing of facial hair. His moobs hang out of his jersey. Not even all-black jerseys can hide the fact that Lord Luka has entered America and proceeded to assimilate into the cultural obesity. Does Lord Luka eat Texas Donuts for breakfast every day? Does he have 64 ounces of sweet tea with every meal? Does Lord Luka have type 2 diabetes now? My God, his defense is some of the fattest shit you will ever see in a professional sports broadcast. Goddamn, the Celtics know that when they get Lord Luka into the fourth quarter, they can just run off-ball cuts against him and get layups. It’s just sad that a player as skilled as Lord Luka can be made to look like every obese person who plays pickup basketball. Lord Luka and Kenny Lofton should retire from the NBA and start a YouTube channel where they have competitions to she who can eat more at Waffle House or similar culinary institutions. They should make a bunch of videos that allow them to be the greasy pigs that they are. No more of this masquerading as professional athletes.

Lord Luka constantly staying stationary while the person he was supposed to guard jogged behind him for easy layups was hard to stomach. And don’t forget about Lord Luka’s utter refusal to box out for defensive rebounds. There was that nonsense “basket interference” that Marc Davis called on Karl Towns on that putback dunk. The dunk that was preceded by Lord Luka’s steadfast refusal to put any effort into securing the territory around the rim after a shot attempt. Well, yesterday that person who crashed the offensive glass with the aid of Lord Luka’s obesity was Bug Eyes. Jesus Christ, Bug Eyes walked right around Lord Luka’s fat ass and calmly secured extra offensive possessions. It was gross. Bug Eyes is six-four, but Bug Eyes can jump. In the fourth quarter, Lord Luka can barely run if he has possession of the basketball. Without that catalytic converter that is possession of the basketball, Lord Luka can barely move. He can fall down though! Holy fuck, can Lord Luka fall down with the best of them!

Jayson Tatum running down the court after Lord Luka bricked a stepback three before crumpling to the ground, is going to be seared into my brain for a while. Watching that sequence unfold, you knew that Tatum was running towards the basket like a competent basketballer, and you knew that Lord Luka was rolling around in his own fat after falling down on that three-point try. When Alien Eyes got that rebound, you were waiting for Alien Eyes to realize what we all knew. That Jayson Tatum was wide-fucking-open and ready to catch an easy outlet pass for a dunk. Tatum was out of the picture, but you knew that there was not a Maverick within twenty feet of him. Yes, Alien Eyes eventually passed Tatum the ball so that he could dunk it. Ugh.

We haven’t checked the box score because, really, it’s best if we never are reminded of that pathetic effort from the Mavericks. We don’t know exactly how many missed shots Lord Luka had. It was a lot, and what the box score won’t tell you is that most of Lord Luka’s misses caused him to be glued to the ground while the Celtics had a fastbreak opportunity. That’s a problem because the Celtics are Jungle Beasts in transition. Lord Luka’s misses led to easy points for the Celtics. It was really bad. Hard to witness.

There was also the repugnant complaining about the officiating from Lord Luka. It was a spiral into oblivion with his terrible play that only led to more complaining to refs. Terrible complaining that led to Lord Luka not trying to play defense and the Celtics scoring. God, that was so disgusting. Lord Luka obviously fouled out and there wasn’t any chicanery from the dipshit refs. Lord Luka deserved every last one of those fouls. After the game when Lord Luka was at the press conference, one of the chickenshit basketball reporters should have said, “fuck you” after Lord Luka inevitably complained about the officiating. Just those two words. People need to stop enabling Lord Luka’s indelicacy by just standing there and saying nothing while Lord Luka ceaselessly complains and offers the emptiest of empty promises that he’ll change his bitch-made ways.

It’s insane how Lord Luka doesn’t guard people off the ball. We can’t repeat that enough. This is The Finals! That shouldn’t be such an obvious problem for the Mavericks! That Lord Luka just doesn’t move with Tin Man (or any Celtic) who’s supposed to be guarding when they don’t have possession of the ball!!!

Have I mentioned that Bug Eyes has noticed that Lord Luka doesn’t give a single fuck about “boxing out”? You know, that thing you’re supposed to do when the opponent shoots. That thing where you use your backside and your ass to move niggas on the other team away from the rim so that your team can secure the defensive rebound? Yeah, Lord Luka doesn’t do that basic basketball practice and since Bug Eyes is from the Basketball Capital Of The World (LA), he knows how to exploit that terrible omission of execution. Did Lord Luka’s dad not teach him that you need to prevent stragglers from crashing the glass and getting offensive rebounds?! How many times am I going to bitch about this?! FUCK.

Lord Luka started this game off by making shots. Then he wouldn’t stop missing. Yeah, there were some midrange makes and some dustings of Jayson Tatum interspersed between misses that caused easy Celtics points, but there were mostly misses. Bad ones. Misses that were mostly Lord Luka shamefully hunting shooting fouls that the refs weren’t giving him. And rightfully so. Lord Luka wouldn’t get those shooting foul calls and it just made him go further into his ref-bitching tailspin.

It’s really awful how the Mavericks can’t prevent themselves from having the grossest offense imaginable, and it’s because they follow their leader. Lord Luka just wants to have a ball screen and then have everyone watch him vomit up a difficult shot. “Ball movement”, and “moving your ass” are two things that the Mavericks couldn’t continue doing after doing both of them on offense during the first quarter. They just devolved into a mess of isolation nonsense. As has been previously mentioned, this Celtics team just has gorillas, and trying to score on them in the one-on-one manner that the Mavericks have been attempting is just not going to put enough points on the board. So shout out to Lord Luka for refusing to inspire his team to pass and move on offense, for refusing to move when the guy Lord Luka is guarding moves without the ball, and for allowing offensive rebounds during critical moments of the game. Here’s to you Lord Luka!

Oh yeah, that animation that was depicting “Luka Magic” was nice. Too bad it was played at a time when Lord Luka wouldn’t stop vomiting all over himself and pissing away the Mavericks season. How the broadcast decided to green light that animation being shown is a dereliction of duty. You don’t show an animation like that when the protagonist of the cartoon is busy pissing away the season.

Have I said enough about Lord Luka being a catastrophe? Do you understand how awful he was? How America took in our shining Niño Maravilla and turned him into this obese pig of a human being?! Fucking Jesus Christ.

Last thing about Lord Luka. He should’ve intercepted that outlet pass to Tatum early in the game. The fact that he was too fat to jump high enough to catch that outlet pass is another smoking gun for his obesity.

Kyrie bounced back. Too bad Lord Luka wanted the season to be over so that he could start eating Funnell Cakes earlier in the summer. There were a bunch of difficult pull-up threes that Kyrie made. Almost enough to win the game. Kyrie was excellent (and wearing the moccasins). Forgive his late-game defensive miscues. We’re thinking of the instance where Kyrie helped on a Tatum drive and Tatum passed the basketball behind Kyrie’s head to an awaiting Tin Man. Tin Man made that three, and Kyrie looked so dumb for not knowing where the ball was. The ball was behind his head.

For the vast majority of that game, Kyrie Irving answered the proverbial bell. So thanks, Kyrie. You didn’t completely embarrass yourself and your country.

Somehow, it felt like three other Mavericks stepped up to the occasion. Derek Lively, Big Daddy, and shockingly, Daniel Gafford.

In the beginning of the game, Daniel Gafford was actually catching the ball and dunking it. There were also some nice blocks and you didn’t get the overwhelming feeling that the Mavericks were helpless to grab defensive rebounds when Gafford was in the game. That was shocking. Maybe he attempted (and obviously missed) some free throws, but we can’t remember any. So that was good. Daniel Gafford actually did some things, which in the first two games he absolutely did not do. That dunk that Gafford had in the second quarter had us saying Thank You. The dunk that broke up the isolation offense that the Mavericks were back on by that point in the game.

Of course, Gafford had some typical gaffes that had us questioning his worth as a human being. Those were the moments where Bug Eyes decided to back Gafford down towards the rim and proceed to take great shot attempts (that he missed) with Gafford hopelessly out of the picture. How Bug Eyes makes Gafford look like a little boy despite being at least five inches shorter than Gafford is just crazy.

It took two games, but the real Derek Lively stood up. That and1 he had on Tillman gave me, and everyone in the Dallas arena goosebumps. Lively was back to having that look of belief in his eyes. The look of belief that we foolishly thought would lead these small Mavericks to a series victory against this juggernaut of a Celtics team. He was also back to clapping in a way that we admire. Lively is a great clapper, and he calls teammates into on-court huddles like a veteran. We love Derek Lively.

Being a straight-up problem on the glass was another thing that Derek Lively rediscovered that was utterly absent during the first two games. That man gets rebounds and it’s just another reason why we love him.

Big Daddy. Bettina, sugah! Big Daddy really sits down into a defensive stance when he’s guarding someone and that’s great. There were some Grown Man Rebounds (GMR) that Big Daddy secured which the Mavericks desperately needed. It feels like good things happen when Big Daddy dribbles towards the rim even though he didn’t make a two-point shot during the entirety of that game. Maybe we’re just inordinately swayed by how Big Daddy passed Derek Lively open for that dunk on that one possession.

Too bad there was a corner three that Big Daddy hesitated taking that the Mavericks had to have. When the Mavericks made that counterfeit cumback there were several possessions that necessitated a made field goal where the Mavericks came up empty and Big Daddy contributed to those empty trips. Yes, technically that cumback was legitimate because it got down to three. We prefer to categorize that cumback as “counterfeit”. Not “fake”. That was the counterfeit Louis bag that you get in China that is so close to the real thing, that it might as well be the same. But we know the truth. We know that the cumback that the Mavericks had yesterday was not going to lead to a win because we watched that whole game. We were there to feel the hopelessness that permeating every inch of our bones during the second and third quarters. There was no way in hell that the Mavericks were pulling out that game. That game should’ve ended with that Xavier Tillman corner three. Leave it to shitheads to think of that counterfeit cumback as legitimate. It wasn’t.

Remember that dunk by Dante Exum?! My God, that dunk had us in a tizzy. You could plainly see that Exum was fixing to actually attack the rim on that possession and by gosh by golly, he did! Was that his only shot attempt?!

Kleber missed another three. Oh, he also got blocked on a catch-and-shoot three by Tin Man. Seeing Kleber try and fail to grab that deflected ball, only to drop it out of bounds, should have convinced Koach Kidd to glue Kleber to the bench like he glued Jaden Hardy to the bench after subbing out Lord Luka’s fat ass for Hardy in the first quarter. Hardy proceeded to get crossed up by Tatum for a made three, turn over the basketball, and miss a wild layup attempt by Big Al that promptly led to a Celtics fastbreak. Yeah, Jaden Hardy was back to being too thirsty to be on the court.

The Mavericks suck. That was such a bloodbath.

Is Sam Hauser going to make an All-Defensive team?! That dude can dance and Lord Luka couldn’t push him around. Sometimes the refs call bullshit fouls on Sam Hauser because they can’t help themselves from calling fouls on the white guy. There has to be something illegal that causing Sam Hauser to get the amount of stops that he’s getting. Oh yeah, and he’s cashing checks from three-point range. Sam Hauser is freaking good. Don’t forget that.

Was P Rabbit getting stops again like he was at the end of game 2?! It sure looked like he was! Maybe P Rabbit, Sam Hauser, Svi Mykhailiuk, and Porzingis can pose for a poster wearing all white with white New Balances and uzis in their hands for a billboard in Boston. That would be so lit. If there was ever a race war among NBA teams, the Celtics AB would have a legitimate shot at coming out of that shindig alive. Pending Porzingis’ health of course. Throw in Luke Kornet and it’s actually hard to see another squadron beating that clan. In this hypothetical NBA race war, mixed players would be their own teams. They wouldn’t get thrown in with the blacks. So Tin Man would have to fight against Jayson Tatum and Alien Eyes.

Surprise, surprise, the Celtics barely missed any free throws in that game. The best free-throw shooting team since the Durant Warriors continues to make almost all of their free throws.

There was a point early in the third quarter when the Celtics players on the bench all stood up because they could feel the feeding frenzy that was happening when the Celtics were playing defense. Chief among those Celtics who were drowning the Mavericks were Sam Hauser and Alien Eyes. That block that Alien Eyes had of Tim Hardaway Jr was the second-best play of the game. After the Holy Fuck Dunk by Tin Man in that third quarter.

The Celtics lineup of Hauser, Bug Eyes, Alien Eyes, Tin Man, and Big Al was the lineup that drowned the Mavericks’ offense.

Jayson Tatum actually made shots. He still takes some absolutely terrible shot attempts, but good for him. He wasn’t the biggest reason why the Celtics won. Tin Man was. But credit Jayson Tatum. He’s really good. After the first quarter, he found a way to stop getting cooked by Lord Luka’s obese ass and played a contributing role in the Celtics juggernaut.

The Mavs fans who willed their team to that counterfeit cumback should be ashamed of themselves. Emmitt Smith was jumping up and down like he actually believed. Steve Nash just sat there knowing that the Mavs had no shot of actually winning. Shout out to Steve Nash for having the ability to soberly assess the situation in front of him. Not even Patrick Mahomes’ presence could save the moribund Mavericks yesterday.

Shout out to Gatorade for giving a bag of money to Sydney McLaughlin to be a part of their commercial. Sydney has been hot ever since she was a sixteen-year-old two Olympics ago, and she’s still a beautiful woman. Maybe even the hottest active female professional athlete. Off the top of our head, the women competing in that competition would be Sydney, Skylar Diggins, Kelsey Plum, and Garbiñe Muguruza. There are probably some tennis and golfers that we don’t know who should be included in that list.

The Mavericks suck.

MAVERICKS 🐴 (-1.5) over Celtics 🍀

Day 44

Record: 40-41

🎶Now, don't try to kid me, mancub

I made a deal with you

What I desire, is man's red fire

To make my dream come true

Now, give me the secret, mancub

C'mon, clue me what to do

Give me the power of man's red flower

So I can be like you 🎶

What a terrible series! At least Tim Hardaway got to watch his son make four threes in a row during the fourth quarter without having to watch Gay Bill prance up and down the court pretending that he had a dick in his mouth instead of a whistle. Yeesh. We were browsing SoundCloud covers of Disney songs midway through the second quarter because the Celtics didn’t care about winning four Finals games in a row.

Since it’s monsoon season, we decided to not risk walking through flash flood rivers and had to witness a muted interview of Malika and Lord Luka on Thursday. Those two got to have a fun game of make-believe during that televised “conversation”. Lord Luka got to pretend that he wasn’t so obviously obese that his brain has gotten fat, and Malika got to do that thing where she gets people to treat her like she’s pretty just to avoid hearing her castigate them behind their backs to the Disney executives that she has major dirt on. Can someone convince Malika that less makeup is more? Can she go to Europe to discover that lesson? Can Lord Luka have a breakfast that is less than fifteen-hundred calories? Can someone tell Lord Luka that just because his mother sued him for trademark infringement, that doesn’t mean that he can challenge Zion Williamson to be the youngest player to eat themselves out of an NBA career?

Here’s a thought-provoking question! Who gives emptier promises between Jayson Tatum saying that he’s going to stop taking so many ridiculous dribble-fadeaway threes, or Lord Luka saying that he’s going to stop acting like a spoiled four-year-old of a single mother who doesn’t have a dad to tell him No? Obviously, Lord Luka doesn’t even acknowledge that he’s clinically obese.

Probably Lord Luka. At least Jayson Tatum has the discipline to have the physique of Hercules. If he can do that, there’s a chance that he can get over his Kobe infatuation. Neither of those habits turning around is likely to happen though.

Game 4 was so out of hand that the Mavs rewarded Daniel Gafford’s block of a Jayson Tatum three with a post-up on Bug Eyes! Of course that ended with Gafford falling down after throwing the ball out of bounds, but Gafford acted like a meaningful player for three possessions, and the margin was thirty so the Mavs decided to let Gafford have some Death By Chocolate. Apparently, Gafford even made five free throws! We absolutely weren’t paying attention to the game by the time those makes happen. When the games get serious, Gafford will go back to throwing games by missing free throws.

Koach Kidd gave Gafford the customary three-minute hook for Lively, and Gafford deserved a one-minute hook for dribbling around half-court before throwing an uncatchable pass behind the person he was passing to. Watching that, you were like, “Oh, Gafford is dribbling! That’s interesting. He usually doesn’t get put in positions to attempt dribbling but look at him go! He’s being a legitimate offensive player! Oh, wow. No wonder he was on the Wizards. Is Koach Kidd going to immediately pull him from the game for that awful pass?”

Thank God that Derek Lively is on the Mavs. He made a corner three that might as well have been the end of the game (in the first quarter). Derek Lively is The Chosen, and while we have no idea what The Chosen is, Derek Lively is that. It’s actually fun watching Derek Lively cause potential defensive rebounds to bounce off Big Al’s hands and out-of-bounds. Is this what Dennis Rodman was like? Is Derek Lively going to be a first-ballot Hall of Famer? How did Duke fuck up Derek Lively so much?!

Derek Lively is That Nigga. Don’t forget it.

Did you notice Ebola Embiid sitting courtside along the Mavs’ baseline? He’s a giant of a human being. Why was he at that game? Why was he wearing Adidas at a courtside seat when Skechers gave him all that money and a signature shoe? That seems ungrateful. That seems like the kind of thing a person who didn’t have the aptitude to take care of his body would do. Shout out to Ebola Embiid for giving the middle finger to a shoe company that gave him and his family a hundred million dollars. What a guy!

There was a woman in a green shirt who was shown “in the background” while Lord Luka went to the bench at the end of the first quarter. Credit the camera crew for spending an extra three seconds on Lord Luka at that moment just to have that lady be shown on television.

There wasn’t a whole lot going on in that game, as I’m sure you can tell. There was a close-up of Xavier Tillman early in the game. He has an awful shoulder tattoo of a lion. Tattoos of animals rarely, if ever, look cool. Someone should speak about that at the NBA Rookie Symposium. Before they get Antoine Walker to tell the kids about how they take home half of their reported salaries and are going to be peer-pressured into spending more money than they have.

Jayson Tatum was awful but it doesn’t matter because the Celtics were up 3-0. Yesterday’s version of Jayson Tatum was the Jayson Tatum who we know and love. Getting blocked on a three by Daniel Gafford (lol), fouling Gafford in the open court when Gafford only turns the ball over in situations like that, having possession of the basketball be ripped away by Josh Green’s bitch-ass, missing terrible stepback threes, slapping away Derrick Jones’ arms while looking at the refs as he makes the slap, obvious offensive fouls against Kyrie Irving. Yesterday was a nostalgic mental meltdown from Jayson Tatum. It’s not enough for Tatum to be the reason that the Celtics lose by forty. He has to look like the biggest snitch in the world while doing that. Ugh.

Don’t forget about Jayson Tatum getting crossed up by a Derrick Jones in-and-out dribble! When Derrick did that, he looked like a High Schooler who was practicing dribble moves against a cone. Slow, and unsure. Tatum didn’t reach for the ball and take it. How Derrick Jones is such an unsteady dribbler of the basketball with the wingspan of a Pterodactyl is confounding. He should be able to dribble with more dexterity than he does. He should also be able to attempt layups without airballing them like Limp Dick does.

Can Dane Exum play like that for the rest of the Finals? Not the making shots part, just the part where he tries to attempt shots. Exum needs to take at least five shots a game not just because he’s good, but also because he’s not Jaden Hardy’s pig-ass. One of the best parts of the game was seeing Jaden Hardy cover his mouth on the bench while the Mavs were up thirty in the third quarter because even his retarded ass understood that Koach Kidd was sick and tired of Jaden Hardy playing like the most selfish person in the world when he got on the court. Safe to say, Jaden Hardy was not the first Maverick off the bench to high-five Kyrie after Celtics Coach called the five timeouts during the third quarter. It was nice seeing Hardy eventually subbed into the game and immediately airball a floater. He’s definitely the kind of person who blames their coach for their atrocious play.

But back to Exum, he’s fast! And large! And you trust his three! He needs to play like he wants to fuck. Every game. It’s great seeing him try to dribble around P Rabbit. The Mavericks bench players were having a grand old time targeting P Rabbit. Maxi Kleber even tried to post up P Rabbit and seeing that made me think that I was sniffing smelling salts. P Rabbit didn’t have a game that made you want to see him standing next to the other Celtics Whites on a Boston billboard. The entirety of the Mavs bench enjoyed targeting him almost as much as the starters had fun targeting Tillman.

That Mavs pick felt correct midway through the first quarter and they won by forty points. Yes, I planned on taking the Celtics in game 5 but that feels too easy. I don’t want to live life knowing that I had the chance to fade the Celtics at home in game 5, and didn’t. It’s also too easy to picture the Celtics being gross and losing game 5 at home when the whole world expects them to close it out. Winning a series in six games that should have been a sweep, is also something that I just feel is very “Celtics”. Very “Jayson Tatum”. So yeah, I’m not a competent sports picker. Fuck off.

Mavericks 🐴(+6.5) over CELTICS 🍀

It opened at 7.5!

Day 45

Record: 40-42

Kyrie Irving and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Finals.