2022 Record: 0-0
Ravens 🐦 (-6.5) over JETS ✈️
Black Baby Jesus is back in my life and I'm excited! I want to watch Lamar Jackson put on a show against this perenially incompetent franchise and their Mr. Clean coach.
FALCONS 🐥 (+5.5) over Saints ⚜️
I'm blindly betting divisional home underdogs.
TEXANS 🐂 (+7) over Colts 🐎
Fuck the Colts.
Packers 🧀 (-1.5) over VIKINGS 🗡️
I want the double ecstasy of seeing that perfect human being Aaron Rodgers raw-dog Kirk Cousins at his house.
Steelers ⛓️ (+6.5) over White Bengals 🐅
This week I'm taking both black coaches to cover because I advised someone to make a "Niggy Coach Underdog Parlay". Plus Mike Tomlin covers on the road.
2022 Record: 4-1 (hold my dick)
SuperChargers 🔌 (+3.5) over CHIEFS 🏹
Everyone just saw the Chiefs put their dicks inside Koach Kliff's tiny butthole and I want to bet against the public blindly betting the Chiefs this week. I think the Cardinals offense made the Chiefs defense appear more functional than it actually is.
BROWNS 🐶 (-6) over Jets ✈️
Just like how I suspect that lots of people are overinflating the Chiefs line because they refuse to pick against the Chiefs, I refuse to pick the Jets. So that means that this week I'm picking the Browns at home. Myles Garret is going to make Joe Flacco his prison bitch. If Myles Garrett tried to take Joe Flacco's helmet off and crack Joe's skull with it because Myles thinks Joe called him a nigger, no one on Earth would believe Myles. Not even Dawn Staley and her cohort of dyke women's basketball coaches.
49ERS ⛏️ (-9.5) over Seahawks 🦅
I'm picking against the Seahawks because I watched MNF and that was about the Broncos making too many penalties and ridiculous fumbles. Geno Smith is dying to throw interceptions and get strip-sacked. DK Metcalf lowkey sucks. Niners are being doubted right now and I want to invest in them at their low-point.
White Bengals 🐅 (-7.5) over COWBOYS 🤠
The Cowboys are playing a quarterback who I will pick against. Also, I think the White Bengal's defense is good and their offense won't have five turnovers this week.
EAGLES 🦅 (-2) over Vikings ⚔️
Kirk Cousins has some overwhelmingly terrible stats in primetime games. People are crowning the Vikings right now and the Eagles almost let the Lions beat them. Fly Eagles fly!
2022 Record: 7-3 (I'm alive!)
Bills 🐃 (-5.5) over DOLPHINS 🐬
I'm a simp and I can't bet against the Bills until they don't cover.
VIKINGS ⚔️ (-6) over Lions 🦁
Vikings bounce back at home after a humiliation in Philadelphia. Lions allow Jeffy and Thielen to do lots of stuff.
White Bengals 🐅 (-4.5) over JETS ✈️
Picking against the Jets and their Mr. Clean Coach is something I plan on doing a lot this season.
BUCS ⛵ (-2) over Packers 🧀
Aaron Rodgers is as close to perfect as human beings get, but I don't trust him when he plays legitimate defenses.
Niners ⛏️ (-1.5) over BRONCOS 🐴
After George Kittle and Deebo Samuel are done sucking off Jimmy GQ, I'll take a polaroid of Jimmy's post-nut face and submit that to the ticket window along with this bet against this awful Broncos team.
2022 Record: 8-7 (I'm dying a slow death and I hate gambling!)
WHITE BENGALS 🐅 (-3.5) over Dolphins 🐬
Last week I watched the Dolphins and they played too much defense in the hot sun and humid air of Miami. Give me the White Bengals and for the clock to strike midnight on this Tua nonsense.
Bills 🐃 (-3.5) over RAVENS 🐦
The Bills let me down last week but I still think that Captain America is dumb lit. This Ravens defense is bad and that's a big problem when you play this juggernaut of a football team. I love you Lamar but I'm picking the quarterback that Bill Polian jerks off to instead of your black ass.
EAGLES 🦅 (-6.5) over Jaguars 🐆
My uncle lives in Jacksonville and is an indoctrinated Jaguars fan. I deeply enjoy unchecked optimism over this three game stretch of sublime Jaguars football but I'm going to emotionally hedge by picking the Eagles to cover against this fun Jaguars team. Also, this is the first "real" game that the Jaguars play this season. That Chargers team was a USFL team in week 3. Brandon Staley is the false prophet of people who love going for it on fourth down. He played me for a fool and now I'm betting against the Chargers by betting against Jacksonville.
Rams 🐏 (+2.5) over NINERS ⛏️
The smart thing to do here is to take the Texans against the USFL Chargers, or the Packers against the Belicheks but this is a space where I decide what happens and that means that I'm picking the games that have juice. Trent Williams is banged up, and we all just got a reminder of how average Jimmy GQ is. Aaron Donald, give us another reminder.
RAIDERS 🏴 (-2) over BRONCOS 🐴
Give me the desperate Raiders against this abominable Denver squad. Has Future already made a song about how the quarterback of the Denver Broncos is raising his kids and got him off the hook for paying Ciara all that child-support?
2022 Record: 11-9 (The Rams are soft and slow!)
RAVENS 🐦 (-3) over Bengals 🐅
I watched the White Bengals play last Thursday and their offense is really bad. Somehow this line started at 3.5 and moved to 3, which isn't a good sign for the value of picking the Ravens but I just have to bet against the Bengals this week.
BROWNS 🐶 (+3) over Chargers 🔌
I'll never forget the Browns pissing away that game against the Jets but I'll take them here even though it hurts my brain.
Lions 🦁 (+3) over PATRIOTS 🇺🇸
Is the Lions defense really so bad that they can't stop a third-string quarterback?
CHIEFS 🏹 (-7) over Raiders 🏴
There will be blood.
Niners ⛏️ (-6.5) over PANTHERS 🐱
This feels like a sucker pick but I am familiar with what the 49ers do on defense and that makes me pick them here against this Panthers team that seems ready to quit on their coach.
2022 Record: 13-12 (Fuck the Chiefs! Fuck Gambling! Fuck me!)
Ravens 🐦 (-5) over GIANTS 🏢
I'm fading the Giants after their London beatdown of the cheeseheads.
PACKERS 🧀 (-7) over Jets ✈️
I love picking against the Jets and since they won last week, I'll pick against them this week.
Jaguars 🐆 (+2) over COLTS 🐎
Maybe the Jaguars are just cursed when they play the Texans. The Colts are bad and they won last week so I like picking against them here.
CHIEFS 🏹 (+3) over Bills 🐃
I'm so fucking disgusted with myself for picking the Chiefs on MNF against the Raiders so I will pick them again against the best team in the NFL.
EAGLES 🦅 (-5) over Cowboys 🤠
Maybe the Cowboys will bring back Dak (that rhymes) to screw things up. If they don't, then I'm screwed because Cooper Rush made a deal with the devil.
2022 Record: 14-16 (OK, now this is painful and I'm not enjoying this!)
RAVENS 🐦 (-6.5) over Browns 🐶
Are the Ravens really going to fail to cover in every game? Maybe, but now I like taking Lamar Jackson's side so that after he fucks up, I get to text friends about how Bill Polian was right about his black ass needing to be a receiver. We're at that point of the season.
NINERS ⛏️ (+3) over Chiefs 🏹
The Chiefs rarely cover and they hurt my feelings last week so I'm being petty and emotional by taking the injured niners at home.
Packers 🧀 (-5.5) over REDSKINS 👺
Aaron Rodgers is quitting on life and it's really upsetting me.
Seahawks 🦅 (+6.5) over CHARGERS 🔌
I'm willing to believe that the Seahawks are alright and that the Chargers are a bunch of bitches.
Jets ✈️ (+2) over BRONCOS 🐴
I'm enjoying this Russell Wilson shit-show.
2022 Record: 16-19 (The NFL regular season needs to end!)
Ravens 🐦 (-1.5) over BUCS ⛵
Are the Ravens really going to fail to cover in every game? Maybe, but now I like taking Lamar Jackson's side so that after he fucks up, I get to text friends about how Bill Polian was right about his black ass needing to be a receiver. We're still at that point of the season.
FALCONS 🐥 (-4.5) over Panthers 🐆
The Panthers suck and the Falcons don't.
BILLS 🐃 (-11.5) over Packers 🧀
OK, this Packers shit-show is now funny and this game will be delicious if Buffalo and Golden Boy Josh Allen takes Aaron Rodgers out to the woodshed and sodemizes him in the dark night of the country fields.
Niners ⛏️ (-1.5) over RAMS 🐏
The Rams are very bad this year and they usually lose to the Niners so I'll pick the Niners.
EAGLES 🦅 (-11) over Steelers ⛓️
These tickets to Lincoln Financial Field are the most expensive of Week 8. I'm picking the home team because maybe the city of Philadelphia will inspire this team to bludgeon the Steelers.