Some books are incredible works of the human mind that need to be credited as such, while other books need to be called out for being the polluted workings of a woman who spends a quarter of her day plugged into the latest and greatest social media mind-trap. Also, there needs to be some way that I can keep track of “my books” when traversing thousands of miles precludes me from dragging along the physical evidence of my hidden proclivity.
Being a book critic is also something that I am both qualified and willing, to do.
Books are sorted into “tiers”. In a physical bookcase, tiers would equate to shelves. Books higher up in the bookcase are books of a higher quality. Conversely, books on the low shelves are not meant to be seen. If the books are turned around so that the pages face outward and the spine faces away from you, then that book is embarrassing and I can’t chance someone remarking on it in my presence.
The tiers are broken up by quality. Tier One books demand your attention. They grip your mind and don’t let go. These are books that you can’t help but read in three days. The kind of books that cause you to be reading on your couch one second, and then walking around your living room because something happened and you need a moment to comprehend that the author really did that. Events that make you need a moment to gather yourself, are signals that the book is Tier One. Tears are a surefire sign that the book is in the upper quarter of Tier One.
Another sign of a Tier One Book is numerous folded pages to show me where some brilliant insights into life are when I revisit the book. Quotes like “No, friends were like clothes: fine while they lasted but eventually they wore thin or you grew out of them.” or “Ahn-dre-ah, you know how I feel about excuses. I’m not particularly interested in hearing yours now. I expect something like this will never happen again, correct? That’s all.”
Tier One Books have me reading the “Personal Life” section of the author’s Wikipedia after twenty pages and inspecting every inch of the book’s shell like noticing the smallest detail will somehow make me as exceptional as the person whose mind created this story.
Tier Two books are all exceptional but for whatever reason, aren’t bestowed the highest honor. Some books in Tier Two have spent a bid in Tier One, but after reading more books, have been pushed down to make room for freshly discovered masterpieces. When you’re reading a book and asking yourself if it’s a Tier One book, that’s a sign that the book belongs in Tier Two. Tier One Books demand their place. Tier Two Books make you question it. Having said that, Tier Two Books are all incredible and thoroughly enjoyable.
Tier Three is where the books become “good” but never “great”. They might be entertaining “page-turners” that you enjoy reading but lack any imaginative zest, twisted comedy, or anything remarkably imaginative or depraved. Or they might just be books that you liked but never considered for one moment to be worth a place in Tier One. These are written works by authors who are afraid to say “nigger” or have scenes of a woman listening to her female roommate/best friend have sex with her boyfriend and imagine stealing him from her while she hears him cum. An entertaining book that a school assigns would be a good symbol for a Tier Three Book.
Tier Four is where the books start to get bad. Books by women who just say “amazing sex” instead of attempting to describe something more carnal. Complaining about gender inequality is a big signal that the book belongs in Tier Four, if not lower. Another obvious flag of a Tier Four book is any mention of things like “Jira Tickets”, “Twitter”, or any kind of contemporary technology or “social movement”. Great books don’t have that. They just have magic.
Maybe the most surefire sign that I’m reading a Tier Four book is that when I’m reading it, I can’t stop thinking about writing something else. An inability to capture my attention is an indicator of a below-average reading.
Tier Five is for books that you’re embarrassed to have read and not thrown away before you stubbornly read to the end.
Tier One/Top Shelf (28 spots):
1-7. Harry Potter. 7 is the best book of all time. As far as we're concerned, JK Rowling should be Prime Minister of England. JK is to me what Taylor Swift is to mentally feeble girls born between 1997 and 2005. If you don't admit that Harry Potter is a marvelous miracle of a single mother's mind, we may still be able to be friendly but I'll never forget it. I'll keep a stoic face when you admit this belief to me but inside, things will be much different. If you see the name "Dean Thomas" and don't immediately think "Oh, the Black from HP!" you're starting the process of outing yourself as someone without taste. Not knowing what house you would be in if you went to Hogwarts would be step number two in that revolting reveal.
Harry Potter is so goddamn overpowered that it has us seriously contemplating if it should be required that British women immigrate to Portugal to bear a Portuguese man's child and then have him turn into a "domestic abuser". Maybe there's some secret bit of inspiration that comes from that and turns imaginative British women into mind-bending authors.
If JK Rowling wants the trans community sent to contemporary concentration camps, then that should be a formal bill that is voted on by British citizens. She's JK Rowling, the rightful heir to the British throne.
8. Horse Whisperer. Nicholas Evans wrote five novels during his time on Earth and all of them are bangers. No one does love themes and scenes with more skill than Mr. Evans.
9. Smoke Jumper. Another Nicholas Evans love story. Give the man his credit. I think my mom read this in two days. Yours would too.
10. The Devil Wears Prada. This was read a long time ago and most of what I remember about it is how Miranda Priestly was so relatable to a young man who had moved to a metropolis and started a booming business from nothing but creativity and thoughtfulness. Miranda Priestly would definitely join Severus Snape in the Top Five Fictional Characters Of All-Time.
For once, Anne Hathaway didn't fuck up a movie of a Tier One Book.
11. Time Traveller's Wife. Holy fuck. How someone had the creativity to write this is beyond me. Saying things are "above my capabilities as a human being" is not something I think often, but writing a book like this is probably on that list. This was Audrey Niffenegger's first book and that's crazy. I guess the fresh mind of a teenager would be the mind that makes a masterpiece like this. Audrey also looks like a proper psycho which is the look that the good female authors typically have.
12. Dark Horses. A dad who makes his ten-year-old daughter cum so hard that she actually enjoys it?! OK, yeah, Susan Mihalic, you get a gold star for that kind of dark magic.
13. The Taking Of Pelham One Two Three. This is something that was written in another time that I thoroughly enjoyed even though I can't remember exactly what made it so great besides the author's willingness to use authentic American language.
14. True Grit. An entertaining story of vengeance. Vengeance is fun.
15. Watership Down. I read this a long time ago and while I can't remember exactly why I loved it so much, I remember thinking "Am I really loving a book about a bunch of rabbits finding sanctuary among nature's treachery? Yes! Yes, I am!"
This fantastic book was written by someone from England. Most fantastic books are.
16. Mystic River. A magnum opus of American written works. Incredibly sad and made you feel that sadness in your bones while reading it.
17. I Love You, Beth Cooper. This book is hilarious. It might be the only book in the top shelf that is there because of how funny it is.
18. High Fidelity. Starting a book with a series of Top 5 lists is a unique and fun way to start a book. Definitely something a man would do.
19. Gone Girl. A delightfully sad mystery but the thing that I remember most about this book was a part where all the racist Southies angrily admitted that the murdered daughter was super hot because all mixed people are super hot. Thanks, Mr. LeHane. Not enough people admit that in books (or real life).
20. Everybody Lies. How can a book with Google search data not be one of the only non-fiction inclusions in the Top Shelf?!
21. The Affair. Listen, Lee Child wrote some bangers. Now, I don't read him anymore but many years ago, his books were great. This one was one of the better ones and as someone who has read an irresponsible amount of Lee Child books and who once upon a time, really liked Mr. Reacher, The Affair has a spot on the Top Shelf.
22. Million Dollar Baby. The short story that was made into a movie was good, but the last short story in this collection is the best of the bunch.
23. The Seven Husbands Of Evelyn Hugo. When I start folding pages after twenty pages because I want to be able to go back and reread truth bombs, that's the first sign that I'm reading a book that is demanding its rightful place on the Top Shelf. The second sign is that I start looking at the author's profile picture like they're a witch and should not be classified as the same species as me. It's wild that the first Taylor Jenkins Reid book I read was this one after looking at all of them and deciding on this one because the first few pages seemed good enough and the summary seemed the most promising. This is one of those books that captures your mind. It causes the kind of all-consuming addiction that you read books for. It hits the spot on your brain that only good writing and captivating story-telling can. The b-spot?! Read this book.
24. Tripwire. I don't really remember any of the Mr. Reacher books, but I remember that this is the best one. Listen, there are about to be a bunch of Lee Child books. They're spread out so that it isn't obvious that I've read too many of them. I've read too many of them.
25. The Heatwave. This is a book that made me forgo the daily responsibilities of a below-average tech worker so that I could spend all day reading this book. That's something that a Tier One Book does. Familial violence is the best violence. As human beings, we're supposed to be better than that! This book will make you look up French words. You will demand that The Google pronounce them so you know how to say the words you read later when you're just thinking about Elodie, and not reading her delightful story. The structure of this book isn't quite as insanely mind-melting as Time Traveller's Wife, but it's a structure that makes the book more captivating. Read this book.
26. One Day. Just fantastic. Unlike other movies that escaped Anne Hathaway's empty head, the movie for this book was awful. You could tell just from the trailer. What a shame, because this book was Top Shelf. A later development will make you put down the book and walk around like what you just read couldn't have actually happened. Then you read more, and get the slightest nudge from the author that the thing that made you question reality was, indeed, a big misunderstanding. But no. What you read happened, and it's gut-wrenching. This isn't a book that you would think could be made into a good movie, but they're trying again after Anne Hathaway made a poopie.
27. The Reader. Older, illiterate woman exchanges learned literacy for sex. Super hot. This is a book that demands all of your focus.
28. The Inner Game Of Tennis. You read this book and you feel like you can learn anything.
Tier Two (32 spots):
1. Something Borrowed. Just a really fun book. Not the kind of book that will have you wondering what kind of witchcraft is in the author's brain. Just a book that you will thoroughly enjoy. A book that you will want to be in the Top Shelf but then realize that Top Shelf books demand their place. They don't ask for their inclusion.
2. Never Go Back. Another Lee Child home run.
3. Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption. Stephen King wrote this book?! Yeah, he did! Even if you watched the movie five times, this very short book is still incredible. Red isn't Morgan Freeman in the book. Red is a White. With red hair. Stephen King does the very tasteful thing that Walter Tevis did in Queen's Gambit, which is to use the word "nigger" once. That's high-class. Stephen also called loan agencies "kikey" (again, once), and that's something that I'm going to say around my dad because apparently, a kikey old man gave him money for Big Dumb Law School, so now if you saw any kind of racial epithet against Yids, he gets upset. Seeing an old, weak man get upset is hilarious.
4. Forrest Gump. This is another book that I don't really remember but I know that I really loved it. This is definitely a candidate to be reread. It had a long stay in Tier One.
5. Friday Night Lights. Imagine a contemporary sports team letting an old man travel around with them. An old man who made it his mission in life to observe with clear eyes what was happening in front of him. An old man who was intelligent enough to see inequities. An old man who could see what's in front of him and then write about it in an eloquent, incisive way that will make the whole country understand what a dumpster fire sports is. Yeah, sports teams don't let things like that happen anymore. Thank God we have this at least.
6. David and Goliath. Malcolm Gladwell is kind of a cunt, but this book is interesting. Not as captivating as the three non-fiction books on the Top Shelf, but still interesting.
7. Viewpoint High. The first Clive Carson book. My songs belong in the Bible with King Davis. That's all that will be said about this.
8. The Couple Next Door. A couple that includes a cuckold man and a hot woman? That's a good start.
9. Labor Day. This book is hot.
10. The Thousand Crimes of Ming Tsu. Shout out to Tom Lin! He's an Asian who actually writes books that go beyond overbearing Asian parents. What a guy! I want Ming Tsu to be in the Top Five Fictional Characters list, but he's just not at that level. This book is great, but it merely asked to be a Top Shelf Book. It didn't demand a spot, and at this point in time, Top Shelf Book spots are wildly competitive. This book has a fantastic ending, and those are extremely difficult. Plaudits to Tom Lin!
11. Total Recall. The book that I point to whenever I'm around someone who likes Science Fiction. I can point to this and act like I don't have a rule against that genre.
12. The Midnight Library. This book was captivating enough during the first three-quarters of it to be a suspected Top Shelf Book, but the ending kinda sucks. You see it coming. There's a hint in the middle part of the book that makes you think, "Wait a minute, if that's true then all this is for nothing" So that wasn't awesome. Considering Matt Haig dedicated this book to "first responders", this book wildly exceeded expectations. Limp Dicks who dedicate their art to all those shitheads who prevented old people from dying when the world would be a better place without them are the worst. You dedicate things to people you've had sex with or people who have really wronged you in a way that makes you want to kill them. "First responders", and your parents are not in those two groups of rightful dedication. Well, at least they really shouldn't be.
13. Queen's Gambit. Absolutely fantastic. You ask yourself if a book revolved around chess can be absolutely fantastic, and the answer is yes! As I've previously said, Walter Tevis does the very tasteful thing of only having one N Bomb in the entire book. Shout out to the heroine calling her black friend a mean word. I got this book at Costco and it's kind of surprising that they would house a book that contains language like that. I've never seen whatever show or movie that was made from this, and I refuse to. The gay Jews who run Hollywood took forty years to make a movie about this masterpiece of a story. We can't support that kind of laziness. Even if it's gay laziness. They need to do a better job of identifying great books to make shows from.
14. American Psycho. A friend recommended this to me because he lowkey thinks that I share some qualities with the protagonist. I should be so honored. Ageism is always welcome.
15. 21: Bringing Down The House. Stealing? Check. Gambling? Check. Running from the authorities? Check. Good Boy gone Bad? Check.
16. Little Fires Everywhere. This author is popular and this book makes her popularity deserved.
17. Water for Elephants. This book had a long stint in the Top Shelf. It's amazing. Maybe the best book of Second Shelf.
18. Election. This book was made into a decent Reese Witherspoon movie. It also did the thing where it had just one instance of "nigger". High-class stuff from Tom Perrotta. Did Reese read that and scrunch up her fat face? This book was just delightful. Adventures from High School usually are.
19. The Enemy. All of the Mr. Reacher books blend together. There just need to be some of them included in Shelf Two.
20. The River at Night. This story features enough bloodshed to make you appreciate the survivors.
21. Crazy Rich Asians. One of the best books in Shelf Two. I'm sure that Mr. Kwan's other books are all great but this is the only one that I've read. Maybe if they all weren't Asians, I would have tried another one by now.
22. The perks of being a wallflower. This book spent some time in Shelf One. You might cry at the end of it. That's pretty much all I remember from it, but if a book spends as much time on Top Shelf as this one did, it's staying on Shelf Two.
23. The Loop. A Nicholas Evans banger.
24. The Princess Bride. The ending of this book is awful but the first three quarters will have you convinced that it's a Top Shelf Book.
25. Ramona Lane. The second Clive Carson book. My songs belong in the Bible with King Davis. That's all that will be said about this.
26. The Brave. Another Nicholas Evans banger.
27. City of Thieves. One day, I was walking along the Pacific Ocean and spotted a family of five all reading on the porch of their waterfront rental. The teenage girl was reading this book and I told her that it was an amazing book. It is. It also has a lot of teenage sex. I'm sure her parents were well aware that their daughter was reading stuff about cumming.
28. Play Their Hearts Out. I read this book in high school and I've always loved it which isn't something that I can say about other books that I read in high school. I remember reading this in 11th-grade English and being so focused on what I was reading that the teacher said something to the effect of, "Wow, Mr. Carson, you must really like that book". This book is similar to Friday Night Lights in that it's a book made by a kikey writer who can see your soul when he looks at you. A book that people in charge of sports teams have now banned from tagging along with their band of athletes.
29. Tampa. A book about a hot female teacher looking for young boys to fuck. Not have sex with. Not make love with. Fuck. This book was awesome.
30. Gone Baby Gone. Just a fantastic mystery that gives you real hope only to crush every piece of that hope into little bits. Books that end as sadly as this one did are great. They make you feel.
31. The Call Of The Wild. Probably the first book that I really loved. The teachers in fifth grade thought that it would be too grown-up for me but they didn't know that I read the Great Illustrated Classic version of this and was going to ace the reading comprehension test no matter how "complex" they thought Jack London's best book would be for a ten-year-old. Buck is me. I am Buck.
32. Freakonomics. This is like a less cunty version of "David and Goliath". For the record, Steve Levitt is the one who makes this interesting. Stephen Dubner is one of those Malcolm Gladwell pussy faggots.
Tier Three (32 spots):
1. The Flight Attendant. This book was fun. I think I finished this book and was like, "Oh yeah, you could totally make this into a TV show".
2. A Reliable Wife. A scheming old man marries a younger woman while managing to pull off a scheme? I don't really remember this book and it's on the borderline between Two and Three.
3. Sherlock Holmes and The Red Demon."Conflagration" was embedded in my brain because of this book.
4. Counterfeit. I don't really remember exactly what happens in this book but I remember telling my mom to read it and her liking it.
5. Everyone Knows How Much I Love You. The author's photo shows a woman who is clearly a witch. A woman in the mold of Audrey Niffenegger. This book has that sick, twisted stuff that I like.
6. Normal People. I see young women reading this book in high-visibility places a lot. It wasn't great. I don't remember anything about this book aside from how disappointed I was while I was reading it. I also remember mentioning this book to my sisters and them getting excited. You know that a book is vapid when my sisters get excited about it. They're the type of people who ask you how many times you think about the Roman Empire. Jarring questions to someone who isn't addicted to The Instagram. Normal conversation to the converted.
7. Notes on a Scandal. A teacher has an affair with a "special needs" student?! Yes! That's what we need! Books about that!
8. The Haters. Nothing grandiose. Just a fun time with some older adolescents.
9. The Help. This book has an utterly undeserved star rating on Goodreads. It's not that great. It's fine.
10. Portrait Of A Thief. This book was mildly compelling. You enjoy reading it. It's just that there's a lack of punch. Lines aren't crossed, and they're not even approached. Typical Asian Author stuff. Oh, there's definitely some mess about Asian parents being too rigid. Most Blacks who write fiction can't get over how oppressed they are, and most Asians can't get over how their moms waterboarded them if they didn't get A's. It's not great for fictional tales. This book was good! Just not anywhere near great, or very good.
11. The Art Of Fielding. Another book from somewhere between my eighteenth and twentieth year around the Sun. Unlike "Play Their Hearts Out", I don't really remember what this giant book was about.
12. Derailed. This one was fun.
13. Don't Put Me In Coach. This book was very funny. In my last year of public education, I did a book swap with my "Economics" teacher. He gave me Hunger Games, and I gave him this book. Or something like that. Maybe I just had Hunger Games and he saw me read DPMIC and somehow that led to me telling him to read it. That was a long time ago. The main lesson is that I lent this book to a public school teacher and he liked it just like me. Stories about collegiate basketball players walking in on teammates getting blowjobs.
14. The Hatchet. High School/Middle School stable. Was this book a summer reading book? Whatever it was, it was good.
15. Personal. Another Lee Child book.
16. The Sports Gene. Meh. This was good I guess.
17. The Sight of You. This is fine. Just fine. I had to read the summary of it to remember what it was about so it can't be good. But it's not bad.
18. First Comes Love. After reading the Goodreads synopsis of this, I remembered that I tried this because Something Borrowed was so good that another one of this author's books must be at least good. This book was barely that. At least good. Just above OK.
19. 61 Hours. Another Lee Child book.
20. Running Blind. Another Lee Child book.
21. Savages. This book was good. It wasn't great. It doesn't make me wince when I look at it.
22. Tehachapi Trail. Clive Carson's third book. The editor said that it was a 6.5, so it's in Shelf Three instead of Shelf Two. The editor liked the sex scene but overall, it felt rushed. Considering the dedication, it's quite fitting that the book felt that way. That, and the fact that the book was started and published, in about six months. Lesson to Mr. Carson: when a book is finished, it needs to rest for some time and then be revisited. Note taken!
23. No Country For Old Men. The movie is more memorable than the book. That's why the book is on the Third Shelf.
24. The Collector. This was pretty good. People who listen to "True Crime" broadcasts would like this.
25. Can't Take My Eyes Off You. Reading the Goodreads blurb was vaguely familiar so this must have been better than Pretty Girls or First Comes Love.
26. Nothing To Lose. Another Lee Child book.
27. The Summerhouse. No clue. Another Shelf Three book that was totally forgettable but wasn't placed in the Shelf of Shame.
28. The Bone Collector. Fine. I think Denzel Washington was in the movie made from this book.
29. Paranoia. Yet another forgettable Third Shelf Book.
30. The Bourne Identity. I think I read this in, like, 2017. I remember liking it but that's all I remember. Obviously I remember the movies.
31. Last Couple Standing. This book feels like a book made in a laboratory. The male author feels restrained. The wild thoughts that run rampant in my brain do not enter this author's consciousness.
32. One Shot. Another Lee Child book.
Tier Four (32 spots):
1. Bad Luck and Trouble. Another Lee Child book.
2. Pretty Girls. Even after reading the Goodreads intro, I can't remember reading this. It must have not been good.
3. The Impossible Us. Parallel universes aren't my cup of tea.
4. Ice. I don't remember anything about this book but it must be in Shelf Four because it wasn't offensive in a boring kind of way.
5. The Wanderers. This book takes ethnic vulgarities too far. Great books drop one N Bomb. Mediocre books overuse Yid and Ginzo.
6. The Piano Tuner. This book thought it was better than it actually was. Historical novels have a tough time being excellent.
7. White Lies. I don't really remember this book aside from some positive feelings that I get when I see it.
8. Confessions Of A Shopaholic. Devil Wears Prada, this is not.
9. Good Neighbors. This book was kind of hard to track. I guess it was fine. It definitely wasn't enjoyable.
10. Jurassic Park. This book was much worse than the movies.
11. Eileen. "Noir" was used to describe this book. It's a word that people use to brainwash people like my dad into thinking that the thing being described as "Noir" is somehow more interesting and sophisticated than it really is. This book was fine. Typical Third Shelf stuff. But really, it's important that you remember that lesson. "Noir" means "unreadable". Not dark, enchanting, mysterious, or epic. "Noir" means "you don't get immersed in the words but I'm too high-falutin' to say something as basic as that so I'm calling this travesty of publishing, noir".
12. Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine. If you read this book, you'll forget about it two months after you finish it.
13. Men's Health Big Book Of Exercises. In year 16, I must have memorized this book. This book is kept with its spine facing the back of the bookshelf because I'm not willing to have a guest see that title. "Embarrassing" is too strong of a word. This book just shouldn't be given attention. It's something I read when I was 16 and now it's something that I just have.
14. The Playboy. A harmless, enjoyable read that is completely forgettable. In the business, they call that a "summer read".
15. Bad Luck and Trouble. Another Lee Child book.
16. A Wanted Man. Another Lee Child book. I'm telling you, I read a lot of these!
17. Sooley. My mom gave me this and it's written by a famous author. The book feels like it was made in a lab that formulaically produces books that will move units. Not my cup of tea. No raunchy sex. No tense romances. No unhinged revenge or despicable acts. Just not me. Love you, Mom!
18. The Roommate Experiment. Ugh. I found this book in a European bookstore and it's too harmless to be considered good. Just a tepid book that you wouldn't expect from a cultured society.
19. Before the Fall. Another book that felt like it was made in a laboratory to be likable by the braindead masses who make up the general public. Probably made bookoo bucks.
20. Persuader. Yes, another Lee Child book.
21. House of Cards. Too British. No Kevin Spacey.
22. Juliet, Naked. Nick Hornby wrote High Fidelity which was great. He also wrote this book which was not great. Nicholas Evans, Nick Hornby is not. Horby has some duds.
23. The Hard Way. Another Lee Child book.
24. Badlands. I got this at Costco. Thought it was the definition of average.
25. World War Z. This was plodding and difficult to finish. This is why science fiction isn't great.
26. A Separate Piece. A touch pompous but a fine book considering it was required reading in tenth grade. This is a book that English teachers touch themselves to because you can talk about big, important themes, but this book doesn't have treachery or sex that you couldn't imagine. It's a High School Book. What do you expect?!
27. Gone Tomorrow. Another Lee Child book.
28. Killing Floor. Another Lee Child book!
29. Say Nothing. Eww. Some dude who works in television wrote this. Don't read this but if you do, that will become super obvious.
30. Die Trying. Another Lee Child book.
31. Echo Burning. Another Lee Child book.
32. Hotel 21. This book was fine, but "fine" isn't good enough when the plot involves theft. Theft should be reserved for books that are "at least good".
Tier Five/Bottom Shelf (32 spots):
1. Book of Basketball. I think my mom got me this as a gift one Christmas before I was emancipated. I was a different person then. Back then, I really liked this encyclopedia. I remember where I was the first time I read something by Bill Simmons. It was the thing he wrote about Will Smith being an asshole for only doing movies that had aliens or other mass-appeal movie categories. Anyway, when I was seventeen I liked reading things that Mr. Simmons wrote. Since then, we've both changed. He had a daughter and became one of those dads who creates a woman and becomes a giant pussy. No more inappropriate jokes or bagging on women's sports. It makes complete sense that Mr. Simmons experienced the pandemic and thought it was ok to wash surfaces like your life depended on it. But back to when I read this book before graduating high school. I was a bad boy and sometimes I would get sent to this special classroom where you served days of suspension while still being within school boundaries. It was the perfect place to bring a brick of a book like this. I must have read this book three times before I turned nineteen. Now… now I refuse to expose the spine of this book to people looking at the books in my bookcase. I would be mortified. As the years passed, I looked at other people who read this encyclopedia and didn't like what I saw. So I distanced myself from it without throwing it away. After all, it was a part of my past.
2. The Revenant. This book sucked. I haven't seen the movie but it must be terrible.
3. Prisoner's Dilemma. This book was painfully boring and repetitive. This book's success is a testament to how much heavy-lifting an awesome title can do for a shitty book like this.
4. Loveless. A book about an asexual bag of bones and tendons? Yeah, this blew.
5. Lying Life Of Adults. Great title. Uninteresting content. Very disappointing.
6. The Breaks Of The Game. This book gets so much glowing praise but do you know what it is? Super boring.
7. See Me. Nicholas Sparks does not write good books. I should have the track at our shared high school named after me because the words that come out of my hands are more entertaining than the words that come out of Mr. Sparks'. What I remember of this book is that I really didn't like it and was tremendously disappointed that America would anoint Mr. Sparks as an acclaimed author because of books like that.
8. The Woman In The Window. This book sucked. Usually, the gay Jews who run Hollywood only make movies out of incredible books. This book is not incredible. It's the opposite of that.
9. Up In The Air. This is the textbook definition of Great Movie, Shitty Book. The difference in quality between the movie and the book is just remarkable. With the movie being just incredible and the book being just awful.
10. Fight Club. Usually, if you see an interview with an author who wrote a book you like, you come away really liking the author after hearing what he has to say about things. The Soft White Underbelly interview of the author who wrote this book made it clear why I didn't like this book. Chuck's not interesting. Great movie. Bad book.
11. The Jane Austin Book Club. Oh my God, this book was painful.
12. Paper Towns. Idk. It's on the Fifth Shelf. I guess I didn't like it.
13. Spectacular Now. Faggoty title. Faggoty book.
14. Lovely Bones. Faggoty title. Faggoty book.
15. All The Light We Cannot See. Pompous, self-important title. Plodding, meek book.
16. Manchurian Candidate. This book was tough to finish.
17. The Martian. This book helped me understand that any asshole can write a book. I guess this is non-fiction. Whatever. It's not entertaining. Clearly the author is a dead-eyed "scientist". Screw that dude.
18. Little Paris Bookshop. Just awful.
19. The Hypnotist. Forgettable, but when I look at it, I remember really not enjoying it.
20. Believe In A Thing Called Love. Just terrible. It's even worse because I love books about kids in high school but this book drowns you in acceptable pronouns and loudly accepting faggots. There's nothing resembling danger or twisted humor in this book. There's no sense of endless possibility that comes with the territory of stories with seventeen-year-olds. God, this book was just awful.
21. Memoirs Of A Geisha. A book that was made into a movie that was somehow terrible. Shame on the homosexual Jews who greenlit this book to be made into a movie.
22. Nothing But The Truth. This book was the inspiration for making this "digital library". It was so terrible that it demanded to be called out for being just absolute dogshit. How this chick got a publication company to run her mess is just a blight on America. It's nothing less than a national disaster that books like this are being printed and kept in Barnes & Noble's across the country. You really feel people when you read what they write. You take a walk in their minds. So when you take a stroll with a fat chick whose whole mission in life is to be less "oppressed", you really see her for the ingrate that she is. Because you're touching the sugar highs that have rotted her brain. I think I wanted to like this book because the author "worked in tech and was a Psychology Ph.D". Misguided thinking from yours truly! This author's face is too large. Can the publishers put that in her bio? Worked in tech, got a doctorate, and has a face that doesn't fit her body. Throw in, refuses to work out. Prefers to get angry about how her Instagram feed is showing her pictures of bodies that she doesn't have the determination or grit to attain for herself. God, this book was just so nasty. Nasty because it was bland. Bland, weak, unambitious, gross. That's what this book is. It would be a delicious life moment to be casually talking to the author of this book and drop a crazy racial slur out of nowhere and see her fat face scrunch up. The entirety of her facial muscles would loudly exclaim how repulsed she was to have heard something that she thought was agreed never to have been said. Ugh. I hate this person.
What really makes me wish death upon this author is that when she "worked in tech", I'm sure that she didn't feel a constant dread that she would get fired during every second that she was employed. I'm sure that she felt "accomplished", and "smart" during her time pulling data from APIs and executing linux commands to store cron jobs in their proper directory. I'm sure that she went from that feeling of security right into getting an undeserved book publishing deal. She lives with a "comfortable" amount of money that she earned. She has lived out all of her dreams despite the fact that her book is so upsettingly awful that it makes me disgusted with the current state of the world for allowing it to be put in mass circulation. Ugh.
23. An Honest Living. Remember what I said about "noir"? Well, this book is another point in my favor. On the back of the book, there's this quote about it being a "slow burner". With thirty pages left of the book, I had to stop. The burn never started and after two hundred and twenty pages, I had to face the fact that I had already wasted too much time thinking that this book could be anything other than disjointed and unreadable. But the author used to be a lawyer so he must be smart! People who pass the BAR must be talented writers! WRONG! DEAD WRONG! This book was terrible.
24. Loathe At First Sight. This book had Jira tickets in it. That's too much. Books need magic. They don't need Jira tickets. It's like the author of this book graduated from UCLA, and started a family, but was still trying to get into Harvard. Like the happiest moments of her life were of her stressing out about making her documented high school experience enough to be validated by admission to a "prestigious" institute of higher learning. Yeah, this book made me angry. Lines were not crossed in the writing of this book. Lines weren't even considered as traversable.
25. Carry Me Down. Just a completely forgettable book that probably should be in Shelf Four, but Shelf Four is at capacity and it's not worth exchanging one boring book for another book that I've completely forgotten. "Mann-Booker" is a great name for an award, but unfortunately it doesn't correlate with quality writing.