Before sitting down to write this, the committee checked the Google machine to see if there was anything in existence like what you are about to peruse. There isn’t. There are pictures of that English guy and Meghan Markle. Steph Curry is blacker than Meghan Markel and Steph Curry is white. Do you know why you want to be the prince of England? Because when you’re the prince of England, you can be watching an American show, point at the tube and say, “That one. I’ll have that one.” Then you tell one of your servants to go out of the palace and go get that one or your servant’s whole family will be legally euthanized in the name of the British Royal Family like stray dogs wandering the streets. When That One gets the message that she is desired by one of the genetically monotonous princes of England, That One breaks up with their proletariat Hollywood boyfriend and blames it on how they found a leftover newspaper at “their table” of their frequented coffee shop and the horoscope section said that they needed to “break out of their routines and take a chance with a foreign adventure”. That One immediately boards a private jet headed for London from a secret terminal of LAX and lives the rest of her life as a “duchess” or whatever made-up title the prince’s main squeeze gets. Set to live the rest of her life pissing off her husband’s jowly family because they don’t like that her mom is one of those nigger mudbloods that great-grandma used to enslave, and grandma Elizabeth is secretly jealous that her new granddaughter-in-law is one of those mixed-race superhumans.
Mixed people may not be the funniest, most interesting, most skilled, or most creative people. They’re just the hottest, and that matters more than all of that other superfluous stuff. Sometimes, the superhumans are so hot that a prince would disavow his royal family and move to Morocco if it meant spending the rest of his life with That One.
Evidently, based on the paucity of google search results that are found when typing “interracial couple power rankings”, the superhuman's superiority in the Hotness Department is not something we’re allowed to acknowledge or talk about. Lucky for all of us, there is a committee (of one) that is both brave enough to write about this taboo topic, and erudite enough (no one is special) to write about this in an insightful, unequivocally correct, utterly captivating, and hilarious manner. You’re welcome. We do it for the love of the game. Maybe it’s the fact that the committee was heavily influenced by a German grandparent who was all about creating a “super race” through selective breeding. Not the fake blue-eyed, blonde hair nonsense, but the light-skin, green-eyed black person cocktail, or the half-Jewish, half-Asian powder keg of a specimen.
Some quick guidelines to mention before we get to the Definitive Interracial Couple Power Rankings. One, the committee understands that there are more ethnicities than those covered (which would be black, Hispanic, white, Asian, and Indian), and many different sub-categories within the five ethnicities that the committee will be using. Using every ethnicity and sub-ethnicity would be too granular in the committee’s judgment, and this article is over six-thousand words which is enough. Native Americans are excluded because chicken pox and Andrew Jackson made their population count negligible. Blame Sacajewea’s cousin for curving a general of the army with guns. She should have been able to predict that denying that man would lead to him refusing to live without doing everything in his power to exterminate her race out of spiteful revenge, and for good measure, taking away all the bison as well. Some things transcend culture. The spite of a turned-down male in a position of power is one of those things.
Arabs are excluded from the power rankings because they’re all terrorists and the committee doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. Just kidding. The committee will negotiate with anyone… except the Jews because that’s impossible. The Arabs are actually excluded because interracial couples aren’t allowed in the Quran. Muhammad wanted men to be hirsute and for women to have mustaches, lots of arm hair, and unibrows. Anything else was against God and had to be “freed” from this mortal world with a swift beheading. According to Muhammad, life for a non-Arabian was so sinful that you were actually doing them a favor by taking life away from them. That’s what the committee was taught in the high-falutin’ Middle-Eastern Studies classes in universities, or the YouTube videos that the committee watched during those classes while an Iranian whale of a woman had a class of one thousand introduced themselves and how they identify.
Five ethnicities lead to twenty combinations. Having six would make a larger number, and having seven would lead to an even larger number than that. Twenty is enough combinations to sort through. Especially considering the impracticality of including the critically endangered species that we courteously call “Native Americans” now instead of “Those Wild People Who Need To Be Gone” and the deep societal intolerance of interracial couples in the Middle-Eastern (Terrorist) Culture.
The five ethnicities the committee took into account for the Definitive Interracial Couple Power Rankings were Asian, black, Hispanic, Indian, and white. By our lazy mathematical calculations, that’s twenty combinations. Let’s fucking do this. Get excited.
Number 20 (last place): Indian man, white woman. There’s a common element to most of the bottom ten interracial couples. That common element is that they involve Indian genes. No disrespect to those kind people (brace yourself), but Indians are…. ummmm…. not genetically diverse. They’re like the German Shepards who get hip dysplasia but instead of looking regal and smart, they look unbalanced and physically distorted. Both are smart though, so it’s not all bad. There, that’s something to distract you from the unfortunate truth. You can’t handle the truth!
Indians are what happens when you enclose a land mass with the tallest mountains in the world, jungles with the biggest cats and deadliest snakes, and oceans filled with the biggest crocodiles in the world and sharks that are so viscous that they’re appropriately named after those deadly cats that would kill ten men if guns weren’t involved. Oh, and they swim too, so, yeah. Big problem. You mix in all those factors in a witch’s cauldron and you get thousands of years of sibling sex, and all of the resulting tiny shoulders, chicken legs, mangled and uneven faces, and rampant balding that we see in Indians today but pretend not to notice for the sake of courtesy and avoiding confrontation.
“Hey, you’re ugly!”
“Fuck you, no I’m not! You’re ugly!”
“Whatever. I don’t care what you say. The words that come out of your mouth are ugly words and have no significance.”
….
(Fistfight or utter avoidance)
Scene.
When you have a land mass that is as isolated as India, it’s no wonder that a male member of royalty had a giant mansion built for a woman. She was probably the only woman within five hundred miles that wasn’t at least his second cousin. There’s a contemporary word that is used to describe the mindset and behavior behind building something like the Taj Mahal. That word would be “simpin’”. Indians are the OG Simps.
The committee has deep, firsthand knowledge of one of these last-place couples. If either of them read this, that wouldn’t be great for the committee. Oh well. This article is worth more than a working relationship with them. The committee is OK with risking a food fight on Thanksgiving after we scream the most cutting insults we can think of at each other. The committee can also go without the twenty-five dollar gift cards that they give out on Christmas which the committee inevitably just re-gifts to random elementary schoolers who don’t wipe their ass with twenty-five dollars after their morning caffeine injection. The committee is filled with “assholeness”. It’s the committee’s big problem in life. The committee is disciplined, creative, hilarious, interesting, and not-ugly but still irrevocably tainted with the stain of being a despicable person. If everything goes to shit, the committee can pull up this article on the internet, have a good laugh, and thank itself for writing something on the internet that’s actually interesting. The committee accepts your gratitude.
Anyways, this couple is last because the committee witnessed first-hand how it came to pass. The committee knows that it happened because the white woman broke up with the real love of her life (a white guy she met at Starbucks) and took this nice, hard-working Indian dude because she couldn’t stand the thought of failing to make it work with someone she actually loved. The committee doesn’t believe that this is a unique impetus for a couple like this forming in holy matrimony. This couple is last because it symbolizes settling and safety. Compromise. That aspect of real-life that sucks but is also pervasive because avoiding it usually requires risk and relentless self-improvement. This couple is that happy, well-adjusted, successful douchebag telling you that life is just luck and circumstance. Two things you can only get more of by making yourself go through gut-wrenching rejection and “putting yourself out there”. This douchebag follows up their (his) brilliant insight into the world with, “it’s just a numbers game”.
Guess what? This couple is usually infertile, which is our lord and savior Muhammad’s way of saying “no bueno, intende otra vez”. Because, of course. The committee’s family member who is in this relationship adopted two twin crack babies who are so damaged from their mom doing heroin while they were in gestation, that three seconds with them is all you need to know that they’ll run over a neighborhood kid playing soccer in the street when they’re learning how to drive.
There is a prominent Silicon Valley tycoon named Vivek Ranadivé. He made billions of dollars creating a software system that delivered information a tenth of a second faster than the previous software delivery system. When his daughter was in middle school, he coached her basketball team (without any biological boys who identified as girls) with a retired 49ers player and they won a bunch of games that they weren’t supposed to. They won because Vivek was so smart, that he came up with the brilliant idea to have his girls press full court. People buy that bullshit that rich kids aren’t supposed to be better at sports than poor kids, but that’s a lie that rich people brainwash poor people into believing. Rich people win in most things. Sports included. So, Vivek found a passion for basketball and also a considerable appreciation for his profound basketball intelligence. He later bought the NBA team that plays home games in Sacramento, California. The team has continued an unprecedented amount of losing under his ownership. He usually does things that don’t work out in obvious and funny ways. He’s widely regarded as a clown by people in the basketball industry and the fans of the game who pay attention. Vivek married a white woman and Muhammad allowed them to have children. His daughter who was a part of that middle school dynasty later went to Cal and became a SoundCloud musician. However, not even all of Vivek’s money and her white mom’s genes were enough to pardon her from a life of being not-hot. Muhammad will occasionally allow for this interracial couple to procreate, but he won’t allow the progeny to be legitimately hot.
This couple makes me sick. It besmirches the sanctity of interracial couples everywhere.
Number 15 (another four-way tie!): Indian woman with all other ethnicities. One of the Jonas Brothers married an Indian “supermodel”. Good for him. The world would be a better place if we were all as open-minded and accepting as that one Jonas Brother whose first name the committee is not sure of, and isn’t important enough to find out.
Just like with all the couples that tied for nineteenth, any other combination that involves an Indian woman is squarely outside reality and something the committee has never witnessed. If there are more highly evolved aliens somewhere out in the universe and they take over Earth one day and make a People Zoo, they would have a black guy in an exhibit with an Indian woman. Even those aliens would marvel at the novelty of such a wacky pairing. It would be like our version of wacky animal hybrids. Something like housing a male lion and a female sphynx together. Two things that are part of the same cat family, but are jarringly different. That lion and sphynx wouldn’t procreate and neither would the black guy and the Punjabi woman.
Number 12: Asian man with a Hispanic woman: The committee actually remembers a couple like this from university. The guy was kind of short (about 5’-8”) and a jacked gym rat. The woman was super hot. They both were involved in fraternity and sorority stuff. (Spoiler alert) There’s very little separating this couple from its inverse. Maybe if the committee’s own personal experience was with a non-jacked Asian guy or a woman who was attending a university that didn’t have two-fifths of its male population be some kind of Oriental would compel the committee to slot this particular combination above its inverse. I guess the numbers behind the committee’s personal experience witnessing a couple in this category would make the committee believe that the Asian man/Hispanic woman couple could only happen when a population is basically locked together in the fake reality of an American university where the male demographic statistics are heavily skewed to lean Asian. Then, and only then, can such a couple exist. IThe committee can’t think of a single celebrity (or even one person for that matter) who is half Hispanic, half Asian. However, Asians aren’t as obviously inbred as Indians, so they’re definitely above them. Asians can say that all the whites look the same in response to whites saying all Asians look the same, but we all know that’s bullshit. That’s like when a co-worker is so insecure with themselves that when they receive negative feedback, they have to respond with whatever negative thing pops into their head as a reprisal for being negatively assessed. Some of the blindly idealistic whites can go along and play-pretend that that feeble clap-back from Asians is legitimate, but we all know the truth. Asians all look pretty much the same and have the telltale predisposition for injuries and failing senses that inbred humans have. The homogonous black hair, brown eyes, and skinny frames. Their eyesight gets blurry after their thirteenth birthday. The complete inability of all of their seven professional basketball players to go through an NBA season healthy in the history of the league. And yeah, besides Phillapeanos, all of them have those eyes that look like almonds if you looked at an almond on a table with your eyes only slightly above the table surface. Oh, and I almost forgot. All the chicks don’t have tits. Or ass, if you’re into that. The committee’s assumption is that Hispanic men are, and judging by the fact that the committee has traversed the world and never seen one of these hybrids, the committee will be so inclined to say that their working assumptions are spot on.
Number 11: Asian man, Hispanic woman. This combo is one spot above its inverse because if it happens, you can look at the guy and say, “damn dude, I’ve never seen the shit you’re pulling off. Good for you. You have my respect.” Then you can go on with life and tell people, “See that Asia guy? You won’t believe this but he’s pulling Latina pussy.” Then your friend can say, “WTF! No way!” In which you say, “Way, bro. I know. Mad respect.” You’ll share that electric little moment of admiration and then go on with your day. Smiling and shaking your head that an Asian guy is fucking a Latina.
That doesn’t really happen when it’s an Asian guy though. In that particular case, you and your friend will be like, “Yo, what the fuck is Camilla thinking?! Did her dad tell her that she couldn’t date orientals or something?!” You won’t respect the relationship and Camilla will keep getting hit on until one day she finally cheats on Ming.
Basically, when the guy is ugly, it’s OK, but when the guy is the more attractive one, it’s not OK. The committee has decreed it to be so. Oh, and the committee also decreed that the hottest Latina women are hotter than the hottest Asians. If you disagree with that or are overcome with umbrage that the committee would voice such a taboo truth, you’re an Islamic terrorist. And the committee doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, Islamic or not.
Number 10: Hispanic man, black woman. Part of the committee feels like this is ultra rare because when the hombres with head tattoos see this in the wild, they just pull out their unregistered Sig-Sauers from their waistlines and murk their compañeros because this shit doesn’t fly in the hood. There’s a war going on in Compton, and the wetbacks who build this country are winning. War trumps love because war includes violence, and violence is nature’s trump card. Everyone respects violence because if you don’t, you literally won’t count because you’re dead.
Regarding the merits of this particular interracial combination, it absolutely owns professional baseball. Today, we call them “Dominicans” and ignore the fact that a lot of Africans were shipped there on the way to becoming slaves in the 1800s. There had to be some Hispanic Thomas Jeffersons on those islands back then whose descendants are running professional baseball.
In professional basketball, there’s actually a very surprising player who originated from this mix. His name is Carmelo Anthony. World-class retard (his dad is Puerto Rican. The euphemism that we all agreed to describe their particular learning disability is “passionate”, or maybe “energetic”. All the little José’s and Paula’s are just too darn energetic to sit down and learn how to read), and one of the best one-hundred basketball players the world has ever seen.
Carmelo’s dad was so ashamed that he impregnated a black woman that he skipped out on raising Carmelo. Tough break for the dad, that Carmelo turned into a basketball superstar. Maybe his ese’s put some irresistible peer pressure on him to pretend like that whole torrid affair with Carmelo’s black mom never happened.
Number 9: Asian man, black woman. This combo should probably not be so high. Oh well. The committee had a good chuckle at the thought of this, so number nine it is. Not a lot to say about this besides the fact that it’s laugh-out-loud funny and if you saw this in the wild you would frantically find a reason that you were obviously laughing that wasn’t the real reason. Just in case someone asked what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you laughing so loudly when nothing is happening. To live is to laugh. Just kidding. It’s to love (and fuck), and to not die so that you are able to love (and fuck).
Number 8: White man, Asian woman. We’re at the point of the Undisputable Interrracial Couple Power Rankings where all of the offspring that result are obvious superhumans, which is a large factor in the grading of each couple. Half-white, half-Asian people?! HOT! Olivia Munn is the poster child for this particular couple’s adroitness at creating attractive people, but there’s a cable sports network that employs one woman who hails from a family like this. That woman is smart, well-researched, thoughtful, and all the rest, but above all she’s fire. If she quit her hoity-toity prestige sports media job at the network and decided to split her time between writing on SubStack about all the sports stuff that she loves, while also creating audio interviews on Spotify AND making OnlyFans videos where she made pornos where it starts off seeming like another interview but took a hard left turn and turned into her deep-throating a 300-pound black guy, she might be a billionaire. Never in a million years would she do that though. Isn’t money the equivalent of respect? Shouldn’t she want to be the most respected version of herself? She should, but some people are content and happy making other people rich. It’s a cultural thing with Asians, of which she’s half. Somehow suicide is better than trying to be the best “you” that you can be. Asia’s cool though! They have that raw fish and everything is so clean! Yeah, no. Asia lowkey sucks. Toyota makes the best cars, but the car needed to be invented first, and no one in Asia was going to do that. So shout out to America. OK, I’m done. Chrissy Teigen has a white dad and an Asian mom. Every man in the world would sacrifice their grandma to have one month with Prime Chrissy Teigen. Then they would sacrifice their other grandma so that they didn’t have to spend two months with her. If guys are the gatekeepers of commitment, the only guy who would commit to Chrissy would be a guy who leaves home for months on end doing show tours where after every show he’s drowning in twenty-year-old pussy and reveling at how after they’re done, no one is talking. How neither one of the groupies in his bed is going into their phone after they’re finished fucking and bitching about what they find on the Twitter machine. The two groupies in their early twenties are too busy basking in the glory of making the singer they just watched play piano two hours ago, roll his eyes behind his head and make involuntary, guttural moaning noises.
The committee almost forgot about Eileen Gu! Even with a goddamn parka and snow gear, you can tell Eileen is a beautiful woman with only her ski goggles raised. Is she a perfect person? Best female skier in the world, supermodel, and oh, by the way, she goes to university at Stanford. Seriously, she’s absurdly hot. White dad, Asian momager. The momager can’t supersede the Kardashian matriarch, but that’s only because the Kardashian one has too much of a quantitative advantage. China’s one-child policy has its drawbacks. So yeah, this interracial couple version is fantastic. The one demerit that it has in the committee’s eyes is that there are too many of the Mark Zuckerburg/Whatever-Her-Name-Is versions of this couple. The ultra-rich, super-successful couple that married more for practicality and joint incomes than for carnal desire. Interracial couples should be perfect wonders of contemporary society and too many times this version walks the streets as a squeamish, sexless, germophobic vestibule of paranoia and physical meekness.
Number 7: Black man, Hispanic woman. The movie Training Day had this. With Denzel Washington slapping around Eva Mendes. Didn’t Eva Mendes also couple up onscreen with Will Smith in the romantic comedy “Hitch”? How many black dudes got their hopes up and propositioned Eva, only to hear Eva say, “sorry, I like guys who look like Ryan Gosling.”
So there’s some significant Hollywood influence that props up this couple. There’s absolutely zero of the meekness that the white guy/Asian woman set suffers from. Brotha’s don’t play like that.
There are probably a lot of baseball players that come from couples like this, but the committee doesn’t respect baseball one-tenth as much as basketball or American Football so that’s not moving the needle in this ranking.
Number 6: Black man, Asian woman. Black and Chinese! Meds and relief! Pop it for me please! Hands on your knees! Do you think Migos made that song with an Asian guy and a black woman in their minds?! If you do, you’re wrong! They were making a song about their love of those orientals and their soft skin mixing together with the carnal passion of a black man!
So that song is a solid contributor to this couple’s high ranking bestowed upon it by the committee, but do you know the biggest contributor to this high ranking of this avant-garde rendering of the interracial couple? Of course you do. It’s Earl and Kultida Woods! The creators of the GOAT of golf! The only person to capture the world’s attention playing the boring game invented by the boring people of Scotland. That’s right. Tiger Woods and his insatiable penis! The only person in the history of the world who made America cry with joy after winning The Masters. Someone who walked to a podium and confessed to the world, with his mom right in front of him, that he was a “sex addict”. That he was powerless against his need to take Perkins waitresses into his Escalade during their break and blow him. Tiger’s mom must have been a “cool mom” to be OK with having a front-row seat for that presser. Props to Kultida. You’re not the real MVP (that would be your son), but you really support your son in a way that some moms don’t. You’re a great mom.
That embarrassing speech was nothing to Tiger Woods. He’s Black & Chinese! Nothing is impossible to that man. Tiger went right back to the mountaintop of golf. The committee has a profound love of Tiger Woods. He’s golf’s version of Django. The golf counterpart to Serena and Venus Williams. Some niggers who rise up and kick some rich, white ass. Just delicious, and an incredible story.
At first glance, there aren’t a lot of celebrities that come to mind who hail from families like this but if you think about it for a few days, examples pop into your mind.
There’s a Super Bowl-winning pass-catcher who played for the NFL team in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in the late 2000s.
There’s also the supermodel Chanel Iman. Her romantic pathway of reported boyfriends (and one husband) is interesting because of the linear incline in the mass of her lucky beaus. The ladder starts with small, skinny rapper A$AP ROCKY, then turns into tall, skinny basketballer Jordan Clarkson. After Jordan, Chanel was ready to have kids and hooked her wagon to an NFL pass catcher who was shorter than Jordan but weighed at least twenty pounds more. His name is Sterling Shepard. When Sterling and Chanel (great pair of first names) were done with each other, Chanel turned to one of those professional monsters that NFL teams employ to be frightening human specimens. This person is named Davon Godchaux. He’s over three hundred pounds. Hopefully Chanel feels safe now.
Oh, and there’s a prominent singer who is from this interracial couple named Jhené Aiko. Great name. The committee doesn’t respect her music and considers her on-and-off relationship with Big Sean to be a major character red flag but she’s hot.
This is a bit of a spoiler but having a black man involved is one of the ingredients in the best interracial couple. It’s kind of a taboo couple, but that bit of salaciousness makes it that much hotter which is good because the committee’s most valued aspect of these interracial couples is the hotness of the resulting kids.
There’s just a lot of contrast with this couple. On one side there is the powerful black man and on the other side is the petite, slender Asian woman with the softest skin humans can have. It all comes together in a fantastic medley. This couple is rare but it’s not unheard of. You won't find yourself saying, “Ummm I’ve never seen that before. I didn’t even know that was possible.” What you say to yourself when you spot this couple in the wild is, “Whoa! Look at that! That’s incredible! You know what?! That’s really hot!”
Black mixes great with other ethnicities. Like Indians, but the opposite.
Number 5: Asian man, white woman. This is the version of these two coupled ethnicities that doesn’t make you kind of cringe.
Mixing different races with black is great, but do you know what’s better? Do you admit this incontrovertible fact to yourself? Probably not. What’s better than mixing with black, is mixing with white! Particularly a white woman.
This particular fifty-fifty with Asians makes people with the best cheekbones. Especially if the woman is Italian. The committee values cheekbone definition. Everybody values cheekbone definition.
Half-Asian, half-white women are so hot that not even the ones who become professional basketball players are ugly. Truly flabbergasting stuff.
When you find an Asian guy who snagged a white woman, you want to go up to him with a giant smile, slap him on the back, and congratulate him. Let him know that you’re a fan of what he’s doing and that the world would be a better place if more Asian men had the compunction to do what he did.
Number 4: White guy, Hispanic woman. This one is an eyelash above number five. It could not be any closer to a tie. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes hold up this interracial coupling. Having super-hot celebrity examples is a major component of these rankings. Another major component is the committee’s personal experiences of seeing these couples out in the wild. In the committee’s personal experience, only the hottest Hispanic women marry white guys. The Hispanic ladies with the real, natural titty monsters and the appropriately proportional glutes. Hot Hispanic women have the power to single-handedly shoot up any couple they’re involved with in the Undisputable Interracial Couple Power Rankings.
They demonstrate that they have this power with their propensity for marrying the richest white guys in the world. The committee almost forgot about the poster couple for this mix: Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez. Don’t give anyone that nonsense about Lauren Sánchez not being the hottest fifty-year-old woman in the history of the world. She is, and if anyone doubts that for a second, they have Downs’ Syndrome.
So this mix is barely above Asian guy/white woman due to the more notorious/prevalent celebrity examples, and also because the hot Hispanic women are the hottest women on the planet.
Number 3: White guy, black woman. Black people smell different. It takes a concentrated effort to hide that, and during sex, that concerted effort usually wears off. This matters more for guys than gals. So when we see white guy’s with black chicks, we think to ourselves, “What’s this guy’s deal? What’s he trying to prove?” So that’s a demerit on the status of this particular rendition. However, (spoiler alert) half-white/half-black people are the best people. The two opposite ends of the spectrum come together to make the most perfect people in the world. So that prevents this particular couple from being lower than three on the Undisputable Interracial Couple Power Rankings. Do you know someone who originated from this mix? How about Lenny Kravitz?! He’s a perfect man. Have you seen his abs? Go look at Lenny Kravitz’s abs right now! Heterosexual men wouldn’t even pretend to be traumatized if they were forced at gunpoint to suck off Lenny. They’d merely shrug and say, “oh well, that’s fine.”
Half-white/half-black people are so perfect that the prince of England was like, “You know what Grandma? I don’t care if I never touch the throne or talk to anyone in my inbred family again. I’m living the rest of my life with one of THOSE. Grandma, you’re going to have to get over the fact that my stepmom is going to be a nigger. And guess what? If you don’t treat her with the utmost class at Christmas dinner, I’m never going to talk to you again and I’m not going to your funeral.” The prince wanted to end his monologue with “Bitch!” but he didn’t have the stones for that. The prince then stormed out of Elizabeth’s quarters before she formed her rebuttal or regained her ability to speak.
There is a historically famous musician who had a white dad and a black mom. The committee doesn’t value this person’s music, but a particular performing artist who originated from a white dad and black mom is so famous and their music is so ubiquitous with the culture, that it demands to be mentioned in this space. This musician was named Bob Marley. Yeah, bet you didn’t know that! The committee does its research.
White guys like women with “white-girl hair”. Anything else, aka a feminine afro, is a problem. It’s such a problem, that aside from going up to black females and talking to them, or, more realistically, swiping in the direction that means “I’d fuck”. Unless you’re a captain of the Royal Marines of England and you’re visiting Jamaica after three months at sea. Under those circumstances, so long as the woman is younger than twenty, foreign scents and African hair are mere speed bumps in the race to get your rocks off. Shout out to Norval Marley, a proper English Gentleman who impregnated a Jamaican and promptly went back across the Pacific Ocean to England.
Number 2: Hispanic guy, white woman. This one screams passion. Especially when the man is dark and has a jagged face. This is a wild love that tears apart families if the wife stays home and the Hispanic who takes care of the property is handsome. Once upon a time, Mr. & Mrs. Smith needed to hire a landscape service to maintain the grounds of their newly purchased victorian, and to bring the rose garden back to life. Julio did such an amazing job restoring the red roses that Mrs. Smite had no choice but to sleep with Julio when Mr. Smith was out on an important business trip. All doped up on “amor caliente”, and how Julio spoke to her in that strange tongue-language while he was inside her, Mrs. Smith couldn’t live another moment without Julio. Both of them got married and settled in Julio’s native Panamá. Mrs. Smith learned Spanish and never regretted leaving Mr. Smith and their two girls for one second. Julio and Señora Julio had a beautiful baby boy they named Fernando who all the locals praised for his unequivocal beauty.
The best interracial couples involve white women. The committee explained this earlier but felt it needed to be mentioned again because anyone who says otherwise is a terrorist, a racist, or worse… an idealist.
The committee will never forget witnessing one of these couples on a random day, outside at a nondescript Starbucks in the Inland Empire of the Golden State. You could look at them all day. Sitting across from each other, lost in the white-hot flame of their undisputable attraction. You would be hard-pressed to find the inverse of this couple sitting outside, obviously lost in the endless ocean of their mutual attraction.
There aren’t a lot of celebrity examples of this couple. That’s because Hispanic males generally aren’t allowed to be celebrities unless they become famous before they turn 16. Otherwise, they have to get to work building America’s cities. Proof of this is the single male Hispanic celebrity. Yes, Mario López, who in fact, did marry a white woman who had his three children. It’s unfair to involve Mario López in anything because he might just be the most handsome man in the world so any woman with him would be hard to look away from, but still, he is involved with this interracial couple and the committee can’t ignore that.
If you’re running errands one day and by the grace of God you find a couple like this sitting outside at a coffee shop, do yourself a favor and order a coffee. Inconspicuously sit down at a table and bask in the radiant warmth of the undeniable love between a Hispanic man and a white woman.
Number 1: Black man, white woman. Zero hesitation from the committee in bestowing the crown to this combination. Everything is how it should be. You have the guy as the resolute, powerful partner who doesn’t give a damn about the unspoken rule of society to “date your own kind”, and you have the woman playing the part of an accepting, open-minded debutante who can’t deny an attraction that some part of her feels is wrong, but makes it that much more right. The committee's firsthand experience witnessing the peak form of this couple happened on a bathroom visit to a Mel's Diner next to the San Francisco Music Hall. There was a table with a black man and a red-headed white woman and they were looking at each other like they couldn't see anything in the world except each other. The committee witnessed this many years ago but that moment in time will always be vividly remembered as the paragon of true love.
The best rapper (Drake) comes from a couple like this. The baseball player who’s had the most sex in baseball history (Derek Jeter) hails from a family like this. Blake Griffin was an incredible basketball player who is also a genuinely funny stand-up comedian. Willing to say things most athletes are trained from a young age never to say. He’s one of those people. Jason Kidd is another basketball player from one of those families, and he’s so beautiful (and great at basketball) that he has a permanent hall pass to excuse every occurrence of wife-beating and drunk driving that he undertakes. It’s fine, he’s half-black/half-white. He’s perfect.
Mariah Carey is one of these. She might be the most gifted female singer of all time, and in her prime she was crazy-hot.
Halle Berry comes from a family like this, and she’s probably the hottest black chick of all time.
It’s just an unavoidable fact that kids from families with a black dad and a white mom are destined for greatness, or at the very least, modeling.
The best magazine cover of all time from Vogue. It had LeBron James and Gisele Bündchen recreating the King Kong bit with the mutant gorilla holding the flailing white damsel. You can go to VistaPrint after you photoshop out all the words on that cover. Then you can frame the resulting piece in a solid black frame, and have yourself a high-end art piece that people would look at and say, “Wow, that’s hot! Where’d you get that?!”
“Oh, this? I made that. You can’t get something this nakedly passionate at an art store. Most of those faggots are too scared to make a statement like this. They’re too preoccupied with their headless, naked female body sculptures to make posters celebrating the magic that can only occur between a black man and a white woman.”
“I never looked at it that way, but by golly, you’re right.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
White women who have these relationships are always hotter too. So there’s that point in favor of this couple that just keeps on giving.
“When he gets on, he gone leave your ass for a white girl!” Kanye West knows! And he wasn’t afraid to make a great song that sheds light on how the ultimate mark of success for a black man is having a white “baby momma”. See also: Brown, Antonio & Harrison, James. Those crazy footballers are doing life right! Oh, and Odell Beckham Jr as well. Black women are scared of white women because they know that they can’t compete with them over a black man. Not unless black women unionize The Community to blackball and shame their men who dare to dream.
Jamie Foxx, the most artistically talented black man in the history of the world got himself two white baby mommas. We won’t talk about his second kid, but his first? Yeah, she’s worth a Google search.
At the end of the day, these ratings have integrity, and having anything other than the black man/white woman combo at number one would ruin the credibility of the Undisputable Interracial Couple Power Rankings.