Wrong Bomb

2-1 yesterday. I’ll take it. I haven’t watched any of the live Suns game, or the recap. I went to bed knowing that Booker had 31 at half and the Suns were up 5. Oh well. It’s nice that that series might be watchable going forward, unlike every east series that doesn’t include Kyrie and the Nuggets-Warriors shit show. I watched a lot of the Wolves-Grizzlies game but none of the other two games. It’s abominable how awful DLo is. He gets paid a lot of money to swing the ball at the top of the perimeter, give nothing on defense and just generally provide zero athletic juice in the game. He tried to get a bail out foul while hoisting up a desperation three. He made the shot but didn’t get the whistle. It’s profound how bad he is.
Karl Towns didn’t respond well to success. People write about how dumb his fouls are, and how much of a blasé defender he is and then you watch it and learn just how retarded he is. What’s worse is that he acts like it’s the greatest injustice in the world that fouls are getting called on him when they’re obvious. I’m thinking about his hip check of Ja and how he just stood there, frozen, like what just happened was in no way his responsibility. He plays defense like a ten year old. On offense, he’s fucking awesome. When he decides to attack the rim, it’s kind of frightening. He is a load and when he goes to the rim strong, it sets a tone for the team.
Edwards had a forgettable game. DLo and Towns were much more culpable so Edwards gets a pass.
I want Jared Vanderbilt’s body. He’s a lowkey handsome guy too.
I felt like Patrick Beverly showed up in that game. He is a menace defensively, makes enough open threes, and dribbles to the rim to puncture a scrambling defense.
On the Grizzlies side of things, Ja had a small injury. No surprise there. He’s not going to last two more years playing like he does but right now, he’s breathtaking to watch. He played only thirty minutes and was +20. In his absence Tyus Jones controlled the boat. Tyus is really good. He’s maybe just a tad worse than Jalen Brunson. Dillon Brooks isn’t good. He misses a lot of open threes and doesn’t really pass well. Grizzlies need to trade him to the Kings, Pistons, or Thunder. Somewhere that needs “culture” and is OK with him missing lots of open, important shots.
Desmond Bane was much better in this game, but he still wasn’t close to his regular season form. Maybe next year he’ll be ready for the playoffs.
Xavier Tillman was phenomenal. He was mobile on defense, finished a lot of paint shots, and I trust him at the line. RIP Steven Adams.
JJJ was good. He made some threes and blocked some shots. The unicorn combo that everyone clucks about but with him, he feels wild on defense (not in a good way) and I never think his three is going in. Oh well.
Kyle Anderson had an awesome plus minus but talk about an awful shooter. He never makes open threes. But at the same time, I trust him with the ball in his hands. He doesn’t turn it over and he has touch around the basket.
Onto todays games.
2022 NBA ATS: 7-7
Nets 🏀 (+3.5) over CELTICS 🍀-
Nets covered last game which isn’t good for this pick. Can Kevin Durant wake the fuck up? “You know me, I’m Kevin Durant!” Really Kevin?! Lets fucking see you win a borderline must-win game with your compadre Kyrie. And Nic Claxton, you know I love you and appreciate it when you bleach your hair, but make fifty percent of your free throws please. Fuck, your a professional. Act like it.
Bruce, you said some stuff before this series. I want to watch you crack some baby’s skulls in this game and show no mercy. Treat Daniel Theis like the baby back bitch you publicly said he was. Play with force.
RAPTORS 🦖 (+2) over Sixers 🔔-
I’m sorry John but I have to take the Raptors here. I watched the first two games and I understand that it makes zero sense to ride with the Raptors in any game. But I just believe in teams down 0-2 playing at home for 3. Side-note, I enjoy watching how eagerly Boucher shoots threes. He’s been through too much adversity in life to be intimidated by the 400 pound gorilla Joel Embiid.
BUCKS 🦌 (-10) over Bulls 🐂-
I picked two underdogs and this is my favorite. I won’t watch a second of this game. The line stayed at ten even though the Bulls covered the first game. Unlike the Suns line which dropped a point after they covered game 1 against the Pelicans. We’re picking games based off of lines and situations. Trying to avoid falling in love with teams and “knowledge”. I really appreciate the Pelicans for winning game two. Fuck Chris Paul.
In conclusion, feel free to share your sentiments with me on these emails and analysis. Fuck you.
I think Aaron has finally broke me and I’m not sure if we’ll ever have a friendly relationship again. He absolutely lost his mind because the apartment had some construction going on and he took that minor inconvenience as permission to get irresponsibly angry with me. It’s my fault. I’m twenty-eight. I should be able to live by myself and support myself in that manner.

Comin at you got and heavy on a Thursday. Today, I worked out before starting this email. Yesterday I went 0-3 when it looked like I had the Raptors and Nets picks in the bag. Both of them shit the bed and the Bucks let me down big time so I went zero for three. I watched all of the Nets game and zero of the other games. I’m going to copy and paste the game notes I took during the commercials of that game:
Someone really took Kyrie to the locker room to get a banana and a box lunch after starting the game.
Jayson Tatum might have the dumbest tattoos.
Goran Dragić was The Dragon.
Grant Williams is a Pygmy Hippo who swishes threes, gets stops, and grabs boards. He had a sensational first quarter.
Al Horford is getting stops on Kevin Durant and yelling to him about how he’s not LeBron. Then our favorite Dominican (not Karl Towns) is swishing corner threes in front of the Nets bench and staring them down afterward.
Kevin Durant played old. He had a trip to the line where he missed both FTs. He’s getting pushed around and rarely getting layups. Grant Williams is winning their matchup which is concerning.
It felt like even though Drummond was an offensive paint presence, maybe the Celtics came back during his shift.
Nic Claxton’s FT shooting is a problem. The Nets have left a lot of points at the line.
Jaylen Brown has been pretty bad but he had an amazing blow-by on Bruce Brown that was clutch.
P Rabbit was lighting the building on fire in the fourth quarter and Jaylen Brown dropped the napalm.
It’s crazy how bad Durant and Irving have been.
When P Rabbit went to the bench with four and a half minutes left, he stayed standing because he really wants this win.
Joe Lacob said that older players get injured and then he spit on a picture of Kevin Durant. The Nets will lose this game because Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving played shitty all game.
Fuck Durant.
//
Those are roughly in chronological order of the game. Nets are old, small, and unathletic. Triple whammy. Durant might be washed. I was rooting for the Nets because it would be a more compelling series if they won. Oh well. Salute to P Rabbit and Jaylen Brown for closing that game out. Al Horford is a very attractive man and our favorite Dominican.
2022 record: 7-10 JAZZ (-7) over Mavs -
It hurts but I’m taking the Jazz at home. I hate Donovan Mitchell and in four months, I’m going to have to convince you not to pick him for fantasy. He’s a ball hog and soft on defense. I pray that the French Rejection gets traded to Charlotte for Hayward and Bouknight. Mavs had some extraordinary three-point shooting last game and that’s why they covered.
Warriors ️ (-2) over NUGGETS -
You know how I stood on the table and advocated for the Raptors yesterday? I’m not doing that for the Nuggets here. I’m not picking Aaron Gordon, Will Barton, and Austin Rivers against this Warriors team even if they’re playing in the Rocky Mountain State. I wouldn’t pick the Nuggets if they were playing on Mars and the Warriors didn’t have space suits. Grizzlies (-1.5) over TIMBERWOLVES -
Fuck you I’m taking the Grizzlies. This doesn’t feel “smart” but I’m picking the Grizzlies. Wolves role players should step up. Players like DLo, Beasley, McDaniels, McLaughlin, and Reid. I don’t trust Towns and DLo.

2-1 on the night. Donovan Mitchell needs to be castrated. I watched the Grizzlies game but not the others. I still don’t understand what happened in the game I watched. The Target Center was a madhouse and then they lost. I don’t get it. I watched the game at the country club and between the first and second quarter, I did some pull-ups and asked this super hot nigger girl if she was single. It’s vaguely annoying how 90% of the chicks I ask if they're single say “no”. I doubt they’d lie about that too unless they reflexively lie because I come at them quickly. Anyways she was nice about it and seemed genuinely touched that I wanted to choke her out in the janitor’s closet while taking her from behind. Do you know how awesome it would be to have a Jason Kidd baby?! Very awesome! I’d rather have Jason Kidd come out of my nuts than Blake Griffin. Anyways here are the game notes for the Grizzlies game:
The Grizzlies are trying to come back from down 20 with Brandon Clarke FTs and floaters. They’re doing this because JJJ is shooting 36% in the series and Dillon Brooks bricks every shot he takes.
I hate watching Karl Towns cry about calls. PatBev had a dunk in transition that must’ve made the building explode. He gets bad press but he’s lowkey super smart and I would love to play with a guy like PatBev. You go to war with Patrick Beverly. Totally the opposite of Towns who will quickly get you killed.
The Wolves are so much more athletic than the Grizzlies. It’s insane.
I don’t think Dillon Brooks will ever be ready for the Playoffs. Maybe he will in five years but I’d rather trade him this offseason than wait and find out.
Desmond Bane made a lot of threes in the first half and deserves to be commended for that. Hitting five threes in a half on the road in a hotbox like the Target Center is impressive.
DLo stripped Ja at half court and dunked in transition. It was shocking. The Grizzlies keep getting stripped. Their playing like soft Gonzaga players when they play the niggers of Duke. Jaden McDaniels made a three and the building seemed like it exploded. I like how the moment Alex Rodriguez buys the team, it becomes a death squad. The Wolves have two teams. The real Wolves have the jungle beasts. These would be Edwards, Vanderbilt, McDaniels, Beverly, Beasley, and Reid. Then there’s the soft, overpaid, super faggot friends. Those would be DLo and Karl Towns. I will think of a bunch of fake trades that would jettison these two.
Xavier Tillman elbowed Vando in the face. This happened after Brandon Clarke kneed Vando in the back of the head and had to have given him a concussion. Vando is taking a beating in this game.
Dillon Brooks is walking with his chest puffed out when his team is down 20 and getting their ass kicked. GM needs to ship his ass to Sacramento.
The Grizzlies are working way too hard on offense. Who makes shots on that team? Just Bane and Ja. This is why they need to trade half their roster to get a Playoff Motherfucker. They have too many Regular Season Bitches. Zaire Williams is shooting a lot because Kyle Anderson, Tyus Jones, Dillon Brooks, De’Anthony Melton, and JJJ can’t make shots against a collapsed defense.
I blinked and the Wolves are now up only 3 with eight and a half minutes left. Bane made a three and now they’re tied. Ja is beyond tired with seven and a half minutes left. Tyus Jones made a BALLSY three for the Grizzlies’ first lead of the night. Taylor Jenkins took Ja out of the game right after I typed how tired he was. Great coach. I’ve been watching this game and it doesn’t make sense that the Grizzlies are winning.
PatBev had two WIDE-OPEN threes in crunch time that he missed. Not good for the PatBev riders like me an hour ago.
Tyus Jones is so good. Way better than Dillon Brooks. //
I was thinking about the Gobert-Towns trade when this game was happening. Fuck Karl Towns. His Mom deserved to die and his dad is a fat slob. Towns deserves to play with a faggot like Donovan Mitchell and Gobert deserves to play with some real niggas like Vando and PatBev. Brandon Clarke was amazing in that game. I wrote that in the game notes but I’m still thinking about it this morning. He’s legit. So is Tyus Jones. Shoutout to Minnesota’s best prep player ever.
I’m not going to rush thinking about Jazz fake trades. I’ll open up a notes page for them and I’ll send them another day. As for the other games that happened yesterday, fuck the Jazz and hopefully the Warriors sweep.
2022 NBA Playoff ATS record: 9-11
Heat (-1.5) over HAWKS -
I had this pick the opposite and my write up all written. Then I thought about it some more. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This Hawks team is full of soft bitches. Except my son who has been making me a very proud papa. The Hawks still won’t have Capela so that’s the main reason why I’m picking against them. I love me some Onyeka Okongwu but it’s too soon for him. John Collins is playing hurt. I need to stop hating this Heat team and all their white guys.
BULLS (+2.5) over Bucks -
This is my favorite play of the day. Middleton is ugly and he’s been injured this whole year. I don’t think he’s coming back in these Playoffs.
Suns (-1.5) over PELICANS -
This isn’t a sharp play but I think Devin Booker is kind of overrated. Cam Johnson can step up for him. Landry Shamet is alive so maybe he can hit some threes.

Fuck me for typing out the Hawks over the Heat, then changing that pick. I watched that game. Both of those teams suck. Lowry got injured but the Heat can’t have that be their excuse for why they decided to make their end-of-game offense be “catch the ball and turn away from the basket”. It seemed like every possession was just Jimmy Butler holding it in an unthreatening position hoping for a cutter to spring free. Bam Adebayo wants no part of the fourth-quarter offense. Tyler Herro’s lower body is too thin. He definitely isn’t strong enough to impose his will on a postseason game. Fuck the Heat. They’re a regular-season team that is a postseason fraud. Max Strus might be their fourth-best player. I can’t stand watching PJ Tucker excessively move his feet on defense. They have him guard Trae Young for some reason. I can’t emphasize strongly enough how much I can’t stand this Heat team. They’re old, unathletic and too white. There isn’t enough dynamic ball handling on this team. You know who’s better than the Heat? The Pelicans! I watched a little bit of their game against Phoenix and my goodness. Western Conference basketball is still light years ahead of the Leastern Conference. I’m going to stop watching these first-round East games unless it’s the Celtics-Nets. The Pelicans play Devontae’ Graham and that nigga is no José Alvarado. That Puerto Rican spic can make a layup. I fucking hate Puerto Ricans but I got to admit, he’s good. For a rookie, he’s making an impact. Shout out to José. And shout out to Herb Jones. I watched the recap of that game and he’s getting steals that turn into dunks. He’s going to be a really good player who will definitely be on the fantasy team next year. Ingram is making tough shots. Jaxson Hayes plays like someone who needed to be tased by LAPD during the off-season. They need to trade him because Larry Nance deserves his minutes.
2022 NBA ATS record: 10-13
RAPTORS (+3) over Sixers -
I think the Raptors care about not being swept.
Mavs (+6) over JAZZ -
Fuck the Jazz. I refuse to pick them for the rest of the playoffs. Here are all the fake trades I thought of while watching the Heat and Hawks yesterday:
Gobert for Randle
Gobert for Gordon Hayward and Bouknight
Gobert for Ben Simmons
Gobert for Siakam
Gobert for the Rockets pick and John Wall
Gobert for Poeltl, Keldon and Zach Collins
Gobert for Towns
Gobert for Dinwiddie, Kleber and a pick
Mitchell for Randle and Quickley
Mitchell for Dillon Brooks, Zaire Williams, Kyle Anderson and Tillman
Mitchell for Jamal Murray
Mitchell for Trent Jr, Achiuwa and Birch
Mitchell for Zach LaVine
Mitchell for John Collins and my son
Mitchell for Paul George
Mitchell for Middleton
Mitchell and Bojan for Zion and McCollum
NETS (-3) over Celtics -
Can Kevin Durant play better?
TIMBERWOLVES (+3) over Grizzlies -
I love this pick. Give me the Wolves to bounce back.

3-1 on Saturday's slate. I watched pretty much all of the Nets game. Fuck Kevin Durant. The problem with picking WINNER$ is that even on a good day like yesterday, the one game you got wrong will eat at your soul. I picked the Nets like every other retard and they were never in a position to win. The Celtics are too strong, too athletic, too team-oriented. They play easy basketball on offense and they get down and dirty on defense. The Nets don’t move the ball on offense and settle for tough shots. The Nets just aren’t very good and everyone has being closing their eyes and covering their ears to ignore this. Myself included. I’m ashamed that I picked the Nets to win that game. P Rabbit was electric in the second quarter. When he plays with confidence, he’s fun to watch. Jayson Tatum is MUCH better than Durant. Jaylen Brown is better than Durant. On defense, Al Horford is playing like the guy that won me my fantasy basketball championship. He’s a pterodactyl in the paint. Do you know who came to play for the Nets?? Bruce Brown and Blake Griffin. Do you know what that means? They're getting swept. Fuck the Nets.
I watched the end of the Mavs game. Shout out to Dwight Powell for missing the winning free throws. We can all pretend to be happy with the Jazz for the next few hours but spoiler alert, I’m picking the Mavs to cover in game 5.
The Raptors won game 4. Whatever. Joel Embiid is hurt again. I’m done with him. He will never stay healthy enough to run through the Playoffs. Harden will stay being a playoff choke artist. I want to like this Sixers team but they’re not winning the East. They’ll beat the fraudulent Miami Heat but they have no shot against the Bucks or Celtics. By the Eastern Conference Finals, Joel Embiid will have Ebola and a fractured pinkie.
I watched a little bit of the Wolves game too. They were up by a good amount but they love to make awful turnovers. No lead is safe with them and they are too frustrating to watch. They will piss away any lead. It must be awful being a Timberwolves fan. Shout out to Towns for playing up to his potential. Maybe he can play like that for the rest of the series. If he plays like this, he can’t be traded for the French Rejection. I still hate him because his mom died of the CoCo, his dad is fat, and he’s a retard but when he decides to play like this, sign me up for the Karl Towns experience.
2022 NBA ATS record: 13-14
BULLS (+4.5) over Bucks -
You know how I picked the Wolves yesterday after they threw up all over themselves in game 3? I’m picking the Bulls because they’re professionals and they need to respond to getting blown out by thirty in their own building last game. Also, no one is picking them today, so I will. That’s called Gambling Logic.
NUGGETS (+4.5) over Warriors ️-
I’m picking the Nuggets because it doesn’t seem smart to pick the Warriors in this spot. Warriors have covered every game and everyone will pick them today. I’m not everyone. I picked the Raptors yesterday in a similar spot.
Heat (-2) over HAWKS -
I hate both these teams. Of course, I love my son (Bogdan Bogdanovic), Onyeka Okongwu, and John Collins but the rest of this Hawks team can burn in hell. Trae Young is a fraud and a little faggot.
PELICANS (+2.5) over Suns -
This Pelicans team is good! I respect them too much to pick the Suns in this spot. This is the only game that I will watch today. Actually, if the Heat game is close, I’ll watch the end of that one.

6-2 on the weekend! Losses were Nets and Bulls. I really regret the Nets pick but don’t regret the Bulls even though they got blown out again. Sunday I didn’t watch the first two games. I watched the end of the Heat-Hawks game. Those teams are awful to watch. This Heat team is an awful one-seed. You put any money on them to win the East and you’re better off lighting it on fire. Bam Adebayo concerns me. He is really bad on offense. NBA writers can watch the regular season and fall in love with him but in the Playoffs, he’s small and doesn’t want to shoot the ball. Those are big problems. Tyler Herro is missing shots. He doesn’t represent white basketball players well. Maybe Chet can save us but I really doubt it. Fuck this series.
Pelicans-Suns might be the best series to watch. Dunks happen, shots are made, amazing passes are completed, jaw-dropping acts of athleticism are completed by Herb Jones. Herb Jones played a big part in me winning a twelve-team fantasy basketball championship and he’s great. I’ve never watched him play but it’s crazy how he went in the second round. He’s very long and athletic which are two things that usually portend basketball success. José Alvarado is the most Puerto Rican basketball player I’ve ever watched. He is out-Chris-Pauling Chris Paul and it’s a joy to watch. Brandon Ingram is playing way better than the Durantula. Jaxson Hayes kinda doesn’t do dick on defense and Nance is rightfully taking his minutes. These Jae Crowder three-point fouls that he draws because he kicks his legs out, really piss me off. I’ll be watching the game on mute around other people and when that bullshit happens, I let out a groan and it makes everyone stop and wonder if I’m ok. In those moments, I’m not OK because Jae Crowder is doing some bullshit that these “professional” refs are falling for. Those are offensive fouls and these pussy refs need to have the balls to call those as such.
CamPayne had a jaw-dropping dunk that was somehow outdone by Brandon Ingram. I’m telling you, this series is high entertainment. Like Heat-Hawks but the opposite. Jonas Valanciunas made a three. He’s outclassing Deandre Ayton. Maybe the Suns can ask Deandre about why Jonas Fucking Valanciunas made little Deandre stuff his mouth with Jonas’ balls in a first-round playoff series when they have contract negotiations. I really like this Pelicans team and I hope they trade Zion for stuff. Those fake trades will be included in Tuesday's email as part of my pick for that upcoming Game 5. Shout out to the Pelicans for making me smile with joy at watching them play the Suns. Fuck Chris Paul.
2022 NBA ATS record: 16-15
Celtics (+1) over NETS -
I’ve gotten every game of this series wrong. Fuck Kevin Durant. He’s done. Kyrie needs to retire and live in a van in New Mexico.
SIXERS (-7.5) over Raptors -
I’m not watching this game unless it’s close with four minutes left but even then I probably won’t watch.
MAVS (-3) over Jazz -
Fuck this series. The games today are bad. Luka needs to end this and get some rest before the Suns (or Pelicans!!!) series.

2-1 on the night with the Sixers pissing and shitting all over their doggie pads like an ill-behaved Chihuahua. I didn’t really sit down and watch any of the games. Just little increments of the end of the Sixers game and some of the Mavs game. Not a second of the “Brooklyn Burial”. Obviously I’m happy with going 2-1. It’s like an early aughts baseball team that scores with bases on ball and singles through the gaps. Or a white person maxing out their ROTH IRA every year in their twenties. Consistent small victories that will lead to cataclysmic wins. Anyways, the moments from that embarrassing Sixers game that I witnessed were filled with Precious Achiuwa blowing by an irresponsibly tired Joel Embiid. Pascal Siakam joined in the pantsing of his Cameroonian countryman. I’m not even upset that I lost that game because it is so entertaining watching this Sixers team come up so profoundly short. Give me a break with this Joel Embiid thumb sprain. I’m sure it’s killing his concentration to be playing with a torn thumb ligament but I’m sick of the Joel Embiid Experience. It’s always the same. Embiid plays amazing and makes you think he’s the best player in the NBA, then he gets injured and you’re left wondering, just holding your rock-hard erection. Screw Embiid. If it’s not this year, then it’s never. With him, it’s never. Lmao, you think that Tobias Harris will ride in and save the day?? I saw this one sequence where there was a loose ball in a corner of the court. Tobias was extremely close to the ball and would have easily secured it if he put any effort into getting it, or had the mental dexterity to realize the obvious fact of the ball heading to the corner. What happened was OG Anunoby beat him to the ball and almost saved it because I guess Tobias was saving his energy or just didn’t want to grab a loose ball in a playoff game at home.
Celtics beat the Nets. I didn’t watch a second of that. I just told you that the Celtics would cover and they did. I guess my boi “Saint” Nic Claxton went 1-11 from free throws. That’s plainly unprofessional. I mean… next year I’ll advocate for him as a last-round fantasy pick but not more than that. Free throw wreckers are the worst.
Mavs pantsed the Jazz. I watched Luka do some funky shit on Gobert and draw the and1. I’m so happy that Lord Luka is back. There was this one spot where he was double-teamed and at no point did I ever believe that Lord Luka would lose the ball. I knew with all of my heart that he would feel the double team, find the open shooter, and get an open three for his team. That’s exactly what happened. Lord Luka doesn’t turn it over like Embiid when he gets double-teamed. I can’t wait to fall back in love with him next round after this sad Jazz team is knocked out. I’ll never forget how Lord Luka ate PatBev alive last year and screamed to that crackhead's face about him being too small to guard his majesty. I love Luka. If he was born in America, he might be my favorite player ever. I just want a white American to dominate and talk trash about it. I’m a simple man.
Onto the picks.
2022 NBA ATS record: 18-16
Timberwolves (+6) over GRIZZLIES -
Fuck me for riding with Karl Towns. I’ve watched most of this series and the Wolves strike me as much more talented. They absolutely can not be trusted because they have DLo and they love to make terrible turnovers but I’ll take the more talented team and the points. Even if they’re young and playing on the road.
HEAT (-6.5) over Hawks -
This series sucks. Both these teams are frauds. Capela is back but Trae Young tricked us last year with that Conference Finals run. Trae doesn’t do dick off the ball and he can’t contribute on defense or the glass. Does that sound like someone who you would enjoy playing basketball with? No, it doesn’t. I just think this Hawks team tricked us with last year and that they’ll go out with a whimper today. Who knows, maybe Tyler Herro, Duncan Robinson, and my guy Max Strus will make threes. Or Bam Adebayo will try to score the basketball! Let's get crazy!
SUNS (-6.5) over Pelicans -
This hurts my soul because I love this Pelicans team but picking them to cover in this spot feels like getting caught up in your emotions. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to pick WINNER$ and in this situation, that seems like the one seed playing at home after an embarrassing loss where they shot poorly. If Jae Crowder gets those bullshit offensive foul calls, I’m going to loudly groan. I want the Pelicans to win but I’m picking the Suns. Here are all the fake Zion trades that I thought of while the Mavs game was playing:
Zion for Franz Wagner and Fultz
Zion and salary for John Collins and Kevin Huerter
Zion and salary for De’Aaron Fox
Zion for MPJ
Zion for Klay Thompson and James Wiseman
Zion for Dillon Brooks, Zaire Williams and De’Anthony Melton
Not a lot of potential destinations for Fat Zion surprisingly. I had a more difficult time finding trades for him than I anticipated.

Another night, another 2-1. Keep the singles and bases on ball coming! The storm will inevitably come and when it does, hopefully I will be able to guide us to profits.
I only watched the Grizzlies-Timberwolves game. After that, I couldn’t muster any interest in watching Suns-Pelicans. I took game notes for the Grizz-Wolves game. Here they are:
Russell opens the game by letting Bane make an open 3. That doesn’t feel like a good sign.
It’s been less than a minute and DLo has a turnover and a Bane three that was his fault.
DLo caught a ball in the corner with his foot on the sideline. This is an incredibly awful start for him.
PatBev had a four-point play and forced the refs to call a dog shit offensive foul. He’s saving the Wolves’ season
Wolves had five turnovers in the first six minutes but DLo made two threes in a row and now the game is tied midway through the first quarter. Towns seems gassed. He’s lagging getting back on defense. I can’t wait for the Warriors to sweep the winner of this godforsaken series
It’s incredible watching Anthony Edwards drive by everybody and finish over or through everyone
DLo finally leaves the game with ~1:40 left in the first. He might have five turnovers through less than a quarter.
McLaughlin is great because he passes the ball to Naz Reid when little Ja Morant is switched into him.
DLo subbed out for McLaughlin and Wolves build a lead. That’s not a coincidence and it’s correlation, not causation.
You know how Collin Sexton is the “Young Bull”?? Well Anthony Edwards is the “Young Lion”
I’m silently pleading for Chris Finch to play McLaughlin over DLo
This is fucking incredible. Wolves up 8 with nine minutes left in the second. They went on a run with McLaughlin and not DLo. Hopefully Chris Finch has the testicular fortitude to keep DLo’s bitch ass on the bench
Morant is certainly no Nic Claxton but he’s missed five free throws so far in the first half
Has DLo ever boxed out in his life? He’s back in the game, passing up open threes when all he can do is shoot threes. Grizzlies are unsurprisingly clawing back
DLo needs to get on his knees and give Anthony Edwards a proper blowie because Ant-Man is saving the team while DLo plays
I checked the ESPN box score and it says DLo has three turnovers. That can’t be true. That’s some Al Gore shit that the scorekeeper is pulling off.
DLo shot the first technical free throw. Malik Beasley shot the second. Keep it with Malik. He’s wearing the Stewie Griffin LeBron 18s because Malik fucks.
DLo is lazy, dumb, and doesn’t give a shit. I can’t stand him.
Random note: Zaire Williams missed a dunk and got chased down by Jaden McDaniels in a frightening way
Doing sixty pull-ups during halftime really helped put me in a better mental space after watching a half of DLo
This game is poorly played. Still light years ahead of Hawks-Heat
Towns need to keep attacking the rim when Tillman is in the game
This game has lots of turnovers from both teams, especially the Wolves. Karl Towns and Vando were fighting for a rebound in a way that was retarded. It led to the ball being a sure Wolves rebound to a surprising Desmond Bane three. Not great. Even through all the turnovers, Wolves are making threes
Towns not getting back on defense in a playoff game is making me irate
DLo went to the locker room and I get to watch Jordan McLaughlin spearhead a competent NBA offense
Jesus Christ Ja Morant just had the most savage dunk in postseason history
I haven’t mentioned Dillon Brooks yet. It’s because he misses every shot. Neither the Timberwolves nor I respect Dillon Brooks as an open shooter
I love when the Wolves make a team-wide concerted effort to get KAT the damn ball. Brandon Clarke and JJJ have no chance against Towns when Towns decides to play violently
Taureen Prince has bounced around the league but he can play on my team any day
DLo tried to block a JJJ two-hand dunk. It ended how you’d think it would end. With an and1
Taureen Prince points to his temple after getting JJJ to bite on a pump fake and foul him going up. Give me some Taureen!
JJJ obviously fouled KAT on a three and he threw such a bitch fit. Obvious foul for such a tantrum. JJJ is lowkey handsome. Especially for a black guy.
Refs let Dillon Brooks hold the fuck out of Towns.
DLo was guarding Ja Morant. Turns out that not giving a fuck, being slow, and being weak isn’t a good combo when guarding Ja Fucking Morant
JJJ goes out and Grizzlies make a run.
DLo is getting locked up by Tyus Jones. HOW THE FUCK DID DLO GET THAT CONTRACT
Wolves got Edwards the ball and targeted Morant. Edwards got an easy look and fucked it up
Edwards got Morant on a switch again and missed a clean shot close to the rim
Yo, this shit that Brandon Clarke is doing on the offensive glass reflects poorly on the Timberwolves. His offensive rebounding is winning the Grizzlies this game
DLo takes the ball up the court and I knew he would shoot it without even trying to create a look for another teammate. He ends up puking up a fadeaway fifteen-footer that doesn’t touch the rim… or the net. It just goes clear over the goal.
Edwards made a three to tie the game with four seconds left!
Good for Ja
//
Basically, the game came down to DLo being a losing player. McLaughlin is much better than him and I can’t wait to see this Wolves team next year after they trade DLo for spare parts. Chris Finch doesn’t have the testicles to sit DLo for long enough. Really, I just can’t stand watching DLo. I need him traded to the Queens… or the Shanghai Sharks. Go be the next Steph Marbury. DLo already has the oriental tattoos. He’d fit right in.
I looked at the box score and JJJ played less than 20 minutes before fouling out. Grizzlies definitely shouldn’t trade him but JJJ needs a stern talking to about his histrionics after whistles. All of his fouls are super obvious and shouldn’t be argued. I have hope that JJJ can possibly grow out of this. Unlike Towns who will be a reward forever. JJJ’s parents didn’t die from the CoCo.
I’m thinking that this game 5 win might have salvaged Dillon Brooks’ trade value. He needs to go because he just fouls and bricks shots.

I’m writing this in the morning on the couch at home instead of after the day’s inaugural workout at the country club. That’s the protocol when I wake up at 6 am instead of 3:30 am. It feels so nice to wake up at 6. Shout out to me.
1-1 on the night courtesy of Lord Voldemort. Aaron Gordon needs to donate half of his salary to local Serbian basketball gyms in honor of Jokić. Gordon eats what Jokić cooks. I liked watching Gordon maul Wiggins in the paint but what I liked more was Jokić getting triple-teamed but still finding the cutter for an assisted layup. You know who would turn the ball over in that situation? Joel Embiid and his Ebola Ass. I need the Nuggets to trade Gordon, Will Barton and Jamal Murray for my son (Bogdan Bogdanovic), John Collins and Clint Capela (for salary purposes). No one on this Nuggets team (besides Monte Morris I guess) deserves to play with Lord Voldemort.
I didn’t watch a second of basketball yesterday. Only Jokić’s highlights this morning. Instead I played basketball at the country club and went to a local public chess tournament/club. At the chess tournament, I got there too late to play but I’m sure everyone there would eviscerate me. I guess most of them had National Chess Federation ratings. Oh well, I’ll show up next week if there aren’t any compelling playoff games and get my ass kicked. I enjoy getting my ass kicked, whether it be literally or on a chess board.
The basketball I played yesterday was sensational. It’s really fun playing with people who can shoot and run around on offense. I think the first game we played, our team scored 35 points in ten minutes. Twos and threes. I’m not as good as when I was 22 to ~25 but I can still do some things that win games. Things like outrunning the person guarding me and getting transition layups, pass cutters open for layups or open threes, and protecting the rim on defense. We weren’t playing the best competition but it was nice to dominate three games in a row. That was the first basketball I’ve played in more than a week and this morning, my calves are sore. If I played today, I would probably rupture my Achilles. Ok, boring basketball story over. Game time. The games today are all watchable, with one, in particular, deserving my wrapt attention.
2022 NBA ATS record: 21-18
Sixers (-1.5) over RAPTORS -
I want to pick the Sixers and watch them lose. That’s bad gambling 101 but I still don’t believe in this Raptors team. I’ll sign up for Embiid taking a few days to mentally gather himself, and come out in this game and dominate. I want a game 7 but I’m just skeptical that this Sixers team is really going to shit the bed like that. Doc Rivers is getting left in the hot box if the Raptors pull this off. Where’s James Harden going to play if the Sixers lose this series? It’s not going to be Philadelphia!
PELICANS (+2) over Suns -
I’m watching this game! It’s at the right time and I just love watching this series. I’m hoping that CJ McCollum can light it up after two bad games. This has been the best first-round series. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s the sloppy, nauseous Grizzlies-Timberwolves puke-fest. This Pelicans team with McCollum, Herb Jones, actualized Brandon Ingram, Valanciunas, and Grand Theft Alvarado is good! Also, their white jerseys with the red side lines are fire.
Mavs (pick ‘em) over JAZZ -
All the “sharps” will trumpet these stats touting the Jazz. They’ll point to numbers and say how the Jazz are due for positive shooting regression. How they have been a great offense all season and that they’re due for a hot shooting game. That’s all great, but you know what? I refuse to take the Jazz. I understand that everyone else in the gambling community shares my disdain for this soft Jazz team and that creates value with the Jazz side, but I’m not taking them! I don’t care that this game is in Utah! This Jazz team loves to lose in mortifying ways and they want this team blown to bits. Ship the French Rejection to Charlotte for the White Guy Hayward, and trade Mitchell to New York for RJ Barrett. They can eat lunch together at the same table at a lovely French restaurant when the Hornets visit the Knicks. Lord Luka needs to end this series and get his beauty rest for the Suns. I want Lord Luka in the conference finals.

Another 2-1 night! I really wanted that Pelicans victory. I saw the score of the Sixers beat down and I got excited. I called everyone’s bullshit about the Raptors having a good chance to win that series. Maybe since I have the qualities that this Raptors team has, I don’t value them in the market as much. Things like “energy” and “grit”. Those things are fine and dandy in the regular season but in the halcyon nights of Playoff Basketball, what I value is size, shooting, passing, and lateral mobility on defense. The Sixers have all of those except the last one. They double-fisted the Raptors and I called it like a champ. Embiid had a few days to decide whether or not he wanted to be a meaningful NBA star and he decided that he will be. Good for him. I haven’t even watched the highlights of that game.
The second game I didn’t watch was the Mavs-Jazz. I’ll definitely watch that recap because it’s Bestern Conference Basketball. I guess Bojan Bogdanovic missed a game-winning three. Whatever. I never doubted that the Mavs would reward my faith in them. Quick reminder: I use spreads that I see on ESPN at the time that I write these emails. For this game, it was pick ‘em. I saw some lines at Mavs -1.5 and that was a loser. Oh well. Too bad for those people.
Now for the game that I did watch, Pelicans-Suns! Unfortunately I missed the first 19 minutes. I was walking to the country club and I was tardy for tip-off. Also, my phone needed to charge so that prevented me from taking detailed game notes. I have a few that I’ll try to incorporate into a more natural game recap.
I watch these games on mute. Most broadcasters overdo it and talk too much. Imo, there should only be the play-by-play professional and not the ex-player color commentator. My list of preferred play-by-play guys includes Joel Meyers (Pelicans), Kevin Calabro (Blazers I think), Kevin Harlan (duh), Ian Eagle , Gus Johnson and Grant Napier (RIP). Idk who were the broadcasters for this Pelicans game but they must have been making a big deal about Chris Paul not missing a shot. That graphic was frequently updated and shared. He was great. I don’t believe he shot a three. You know who seemed to be helplessly guarding CP3 for most of his shots? McCollum and Valanciunas. McCollum especially. He felt hopeless. Valanciunas is too lumbering on defense to meaningfully contest these midrange fadeaways that CP3 takes. When CP3 knows that you can’t impact that shot, it’s tough for the defense.
Grand Theft Alvarado scored some layups and shot some free throws!! I’m glad the Pelicans have him. He’s much better than Davion Mitchell lol. Grand Theft Alvarado likes to pass and he had some phenomenal assists in this game. The one to Ingram that set up an and1 in transition felt particularly pleasant. Now, Grand Theft Alvarado did get double-blocked by CP3 and Crowder on a layup but overall, it was a great night for him.
Ingram was sensational. He’s a true star in this league who can generate offense in the Playoffs. His shot feels good and this Suns defense felt inadequate against him. Great for the Pelicans, tough for the Lakers.
McCollum was terrible. He got roasted by Chris Paul and on offense he was getting the ball ripped out of his hands and missing most of his shots. How long ago was that postseason series against the Nuggets? Was that in the bubble? McCollum needs to be a real killer and not the black guy who obviously wants to be white.
OK, now for the Pelicans shining diamond, HERB JONES. He’s a fifth-round pick next year in fantasy, maybe late fourth. He made me squeal (and the Pelicans bench get rowdy) when he had that steal, behind-the-back dribble and layup in transition. He’s so fucking good! I love his game. Thank god he’s not on the Queens. Herb can make outside shots and his free throws are trustworthy. He plays like someone who will kill your mother to win the game and against psychos like Chris Paul, you need that energy.
The Nance, Ingram, McCollum, Jones, Alvarado lineup was the best for the Pelicans. I thought that during the game and then they closed with that lineup. After the game, I saw Valanciunas was ‘-12’. I guess I know ball. Nance had some lovely offensive tip-ins and some delightful “it counts” hand signals. He’s good. Way better than Jaxson Hayes who looks like he’s never lifted weights in his life. Brandon Clarke, he is not. Jaxson doesn’t impact rebounding enough to justify any playing time. I remember how he tried to attack Cam Johnson but got stonewalled and barfed up a layup that had no shot. I’m not a fan of Jaxson.
For the Suns, Chris Paul was obviously sensational. Ayton made lots of shots. He seems to play like someone who doesn’t love basketball. I say that because of all the soft fadeaways he takes. Now, he makes most of them but I prefer my giant gorillas to savagely go after the basket. That’s just my personal preference.
Mikal Bridges was making shots and creating turnovers. He’s phenomenal. I love seeing him making corner threes in front of the opposing bench and obviously say something to that sideline after he makes the shot. He talks trash and is a killer. He also contributed to my fantasy basketball championship so shout out to him. He’s really good.
Devin Booker was really bad but he made a clutch three so that’s nice. He better get healthy in five days before the Mavs series.
2022 NBA ATS record: 23-19
TIMBERWOLVES (+1.5) over Grizzlies - I FUCKING HATE DLO, but I’m picking the Wolves. They’re better than the Grizzlies. Maybe this game they can bother boxing out. Can Chris Finch break DLo’s arm before the game?

I did something else instead of watch the Grizzlies-Timberwolves game yesterday. I haven’t even watched the recap. I did look at the box score and it seems that Chris Finch finally sat DLo. Initial reports are saying that DLo was very bad. You know what? I feel so happy for being spared from watching these Timberwolves. I’m mentally filing a note about not watching them until they trade/release DLo. He enables Towns to be a douchebag who can do anything he wants because his mom died of the CoCo. DLo got benched for McLaughlin in the series-deciding game. Seriously, I feel unburdened now that I didn’t watch these Timberwolves puke fests where they blow leads with awful shots and turnovers.
2022 NBA ATS record: 23-20
Picks coming tomorrow when the line for the Warriors-Grizzlies game gets posted.

Record: 23-20
CELTICS (-4.5) over Bucks -
No Middleton. Jrue Holiday is usually a bad offensive player in the Playoffs. Grayson Allen has been on three teams in his short career and if he had sustained the shooting that he had against the Bulls, he probably wouldn’t have been on so many teams. I don’t like this Bucks offense against this Celtics defense. That’s why I’m picking the Celtics.
GRIZZLIES (+2) over Warriors ️-
I’m getting feisty with this pick. I think everyone is greasing up their hands to tug on the Warriors’ dick to get it hard before finishing the job with their mouth and I just suspect that it’s gone too far. That Nuggets team was very bad and I think it colored our opinion of this Warriors team too much. The Grizzlies just had an awful series against the Timberwolves where the Wolves were the better team. If the Wolves didn’t employ retards, they would have won. Everyone is (and probably should be) hating on the Grizzlies. Maybe a little too much. Also, there’s the issue of the Grizzlies having played on Friday. I just have this feeling that too many people are counting out the Grizzlies and I think it’s wise to take them. This Warriors team isn’t as physically imposing as that Wolves team was. The Warriors are a different beast, one that I think the Grizzlies are more suited to handle. The Warriors don’t have a Karl Towns. They don’t have an Anthony Edwards type to get by any defender that is put on them. The Grizzlies aren’t at an athleticism disadvantage against the Warriors. Steven Adams maybe can play seven minutes and beat up Draymond. Last series, the Warriors faced Monte Morris, Will Barton, and Bones Hyland on the perimeter. Now they’re facing Ja Morant, Desmond Bane, Tyus Jones, and Dillon Brooks. To my eyes, that’s a significant jump in caliber of competition.
Everyone is thinking “the Grizzlies just had to scratch and claw to beat the Wolves, what are they going to do with the Warriors?”. To me, the Wolves are absolutely brain dead but they’re talented and I think people discount them too much. Idk I’m willing to look foolish and take the Grizzlies here and readjust after watching game 1.

Wow the Celtics look awful. I tried to watch that Celtics-Bucks game but some games just can’t capture my attention and that was one of them. Disgusting basketball. I was also disgusted to watch the Celtics get dick slapped by Giannis, Grayson Allen and Bobby Portis. There was zero shot that the Celtics were covering that game from the time that they gave up their lead to start the game. I was just watching that second half and upset at myself for picking the Celtics. Hopefully this series is more watchable that game 1 would indicate.
Warriors-Grizzlies was a gift from God. That game was entertaining. Both teams made shots, passed the ball and dunked it. JJJ had the kind of game that makes you dream of shot-blockers who make threes and make lefty hook shots. There was a point in that game where it felt like JJJ and De’Anthony Melton just had to throw up a three and it would arc through the net. Melton also had a nice dunk and a block of Steph Curry. Melton was magic. Dillon Brooks actually made an outside shot too!
The fourth quarter felt decisive for the Warriors. I think Dillon Brooks fouled Curry on a three before Curry made all the free throws. Curry looks old in his face. In the last quarter, it felt like the Warriors would cover easily. The Mitten was incredible on defense. He’s the Warriors version of Brandon Clarke. Different of course, but of a similar ilk. I’m not sure how the refs decided to do a jump ball for the last possession but as someone who had the Grizzlies +2, I appreciated the gift. At the end of the game, the Grizzlies could not buy an offensive rebound. That’s really demoralizing. The ball just seemed to bounce towards the Warriors. Overall, it doesn’t seem good for the Grizzlies that they couldn’t find a way to win this game because the Warriors are going to make more open threes, JJJ isn’t going to go supernova on offense AND avoid fouls on defense, and Draymond is going to play more than a half of the game. Thank God for this series because Leastern Conference basketball stays disgusting.
2022 NBA ATS record: 24-21
Sixers (+7.5) over HEAT :
Yes, I understand Embiid is out and the Sixers do bad things when he doesn’t suit up but I really don’t like this Heat team. I’m riding with Harden, Maxey, and Tobias Harris. I believe in them putting forth a fight, knowing well beforehand that Embiid won’t be able to play and that the series hinges on their efforts. What’s Bam Adebayo going to do, make five eighteen-footers and a couple of ally-oops? I just can’t pick this Heat team when I think they are so talent deficient.
SUNS (-5.5) over Mavs -
I have no clue for this game but if the Sixers cover, that would mean every underdog has covered in this round so I’ll take the favorite here in a misguided belief that those things usually even out.

Well, that wasn’t great. I walked into the secret place where I like to watch Playoff Basketball and I see DeAndre Jordan playing in the second quarter of a Conference Semifinals game. That was a big red flag. Going into the Sixers game, I was already internally debating whether or not to tan a little bit instead of watching this awful Sixers team. Seeing DeAndre Jordan in the meat of the second quarter was a strong sign that this game wasn’t worth watching. Witnessing DeAndre getting subbed out for Paul Millsap was the nail in the coffin. I kept up with the score and watched the fourth quarter. It wasn’t pretty. Sixers have zero shot. The Heat play this defense called “Have our Yoruba Warrior Bam Adebayo completely ignore whoever he is guarding and have him face the ball handler while two other guys guard the ball”. That defense made the Sixers offense stuck on 77 points for about four minutes in the fourth quarter. It’s effective because none of the Sixers besides Maxey can make threes. Georges Niang in particular is hopelessly lost. So on offense, the Sixers are frighteningly hopeless without Jo-Jo. On defense? Well when DeAndre Jordan is in the game, the Heat run pick and rolls involving him that either allow (a) the easiest open fifteen-footer or layup that Tyler Herro or Gabe Vincent can imagine, or (b) a very safe two-handed alley-oop from Bam-Bam. This looks grim for the Sixers. Glenn Rivers let Charles Bassey play at the end with Matisse (yikes), Shake, Korkmaz and Isaiah Joe (??). That lineup was the most lively in the game for the Sixers and it almost backdoor covered but Omer Yurtseven didn’t miss from fifteen feet to keep the Heat out of letting the score get deceptively close. Glenn Rivers letting Paul Millsap and DeAndre Jordan play is something that should make the Sixers owners seriously consider firing Glenn mid-series.
I caught a bit of the Suns-Mavs game. Phoenix looks like they’re back. Lord Luka looked healthy and completely unguardable but the Suns were making threes and the multiple Suns scorers were too much for Lord Luka and Maxi Kleber. I need to chill out with my negative views of DeAndre Ayton. So what that he is kinda soft and likes short set shots a little too much for my liking. He makes almost every single one of them. He doesn’t like to dunk, but you know what? You can win a championship with DeAndre Ayton as your big man. Now, there are some caveats to that. You need a maestro like Chris Paul to run the show and keep everyone involved and you need a lethal threat like Devin Booker to put the ball in the basket, but you can win big with DeAndre Ayton. The Suns look like title favorites right now. That’s what happens when Jae Crowder makes his threes.
2022 NBA ATS record: 25-22
ESPN isn’t showing the spreads so I’m getting them from DraftKings.
CELTICS (-4.5) over Bucks -
Gambling 101 is taking a home favorite after they get completely embarrassed at home in game 1. The Bucks might win but everyone is taking them. Don’t be everyone. Be the person who calls other people out on their crowd-chasing. My doppelgänger Brad Stevens walked out of Game 1 before it was over and I completely endorse that move. Celtics played like chumps in game 1.
Warriors ️ (-2) over GRIZZLIES -
This is confusing. Grizzlies lost but covered game 1. I watched that game and the Grizzlies were so lucky to cover that. If they would’ve won that game, I would have taken them to cover today. Actually, maybe not. Idk. I don’t like watching these Grizzlies as much as I should. They’re dumb. Dillon Brooks sucks. The Warriors are good. Let me pick them and enjoy this game. Picking the Grizzlies to cover ruins the Playoff Basketball Experience.

Alright, I’ve finished my coffee. I’m not sure if I’ll get over how dumb it was to pick the Warriors yesterday but after some coffee, the agony of their obvious loss feels less damning. I don’t have anyone to talk me out of picking the Warriors in a road game where the other team HAS to win. Just blatant oversight from Yours Truly. I was soft picking the Warriors in that spot. I deserved that loss. Klay was astoundingly bad. He took a lot of lower quality shots with tons of time on the shot clock and missed most of them. It seemed like all of his shots were midrange fadeaways over someone smaller than him. He didn’t get blocked but he missed almost all of them. Of his five makes, three were probably layups that he got from screening and cutting. Safe to say, he didn’t adjust his modus operandi after bricking everything. Oh well, he’s Klay Thompson. Someone who has a max contract because they play with Steph Curry and at least look like they can guard somebody. Screw Klay. He fucked me in this spot. He had a nice assist but that was pretty much all he did during the game. Maybe on Saturday he can turn into Handsome Squidward for me 🦑. Steph Curry had a lot of points and only five turnovers in the box score but down the stretch in the fourth quarter, he was turning the ball over literally every time he dribbled up. Basically every possession before he made the bank shot three. It got so bad that Jordan Poole had to bring it up and Curry moved into the off-ball shooting maven that destroys defenses. Awful game from Curry. The box score says that the Warriors had 18 turnovers. It felt like much more. Idk what it is about these box scores but I feel like they undercook the turnovers. I feel this way because I watched some D’Angelo Russell games and he always seemed to have moments where he turned the ball over repeatedly and ended the game with only four in the stats. 🤷🏼‍♂️. Anyways, Curry was awful taking care of the ball and he missed most of his shots. Those two things aren’t good. I’m watching Steph Curry. I remember the haters trumpeting how he doesn’t show up in the Playoffs because he is small and gets manhandled. I don’t want his signature playoff moment to be that loss against Toronto where he scored all those points without KD and Klay. Curry needs to show up and put his chode on the table in game 3.
Wiggins had a dunk that made me say “Oh my!” while watching the game on mute. Ian Eagle and Jim Jackson are my favorite broadcast combo but even still, sometimes I just like watching the game. On the outside I’m a youthful young man. On the inside, I’m a caustic, geriatric curmudgeon. I’m one of those people who hates playin he pickup basketball with music in the background because I prioritize things like hearing my opponent get tired and the sounds of squeaking sneakers. Wake the fuck up Steph.
Wiggins missed every wide open three he attempted but he had great moment on the glass and held up against JJJ on defense in my opinion (imo). Sign me up for that Andrew Wiggins.
Jordan Poole missed most of his threes. The whole Warriors team did so I’ll stop repeating it. Poole was electric blowing by people. No one can stay in front of him. How did the Warriors get someone like him? That high school team with him and JJJ must have been ridiculous.
Draymond was a non-factor on offense and was blah on defense. It’s amazing how he holds together a defense that features Klay, Poole, and Curry but sometimes I watch the game and get the sense that he is dragging the team down on offense. He needs to take and make more shots close to the rim. That loose ball foul he was called for on Morant in the last minute of the game was hot dogshit.
The last Warrior who I will touch on, actually second to last. Otto Porter needs to shoot the fucking ball.
Jonathan Kuminga!!!! He is frightening! I watch him and he’s sometimes the most athletic player on the court (when Morant isn’t in the game basically) and he’s a legit 6’8”. He’s strong and can dribble. He caught someone in the post on him with no one around and bullied his way into an east bucket. I think it was Zaire Williams who I will get to in a moment. Jonathan Kuminga needs to be drafted next year in fantasy basketball. He’s a freak athlete and is skilled with the ball. Also, he plays like he’s a Bad Man, unlike Andrew Wiggins (baptizing of Brandon Clarke aside). I love me some Kuminga. He’s like a smaller Giannis. Smh how the Warriors have him and Poole.
Ja Morant was an unstoppable force. People (including myself) compare him to Westbroke but Ja is better. Ja has more touch and genuine passing vision. He’s also much more fun to play with. Kevin Durant wouldn’t pack his bags and leave Ja Morant up Shit Creek in Oklahoma City if they played together. You enjoy playing with Ja, you despise playing with Westbroke. It’s amazing watching Ja finish around the rim. He’s 6’2” and these NBA giants are helpless to block his shot around the rim. Klay Thompson made a high-key business decision getting out of the way of Morant on a fast break. I think Morant took off from behind the circle that encompasses the free throw line. Not just outside the restricted area. He’s remarkable.
So if the he scored 47 and the Grizzlies scored ~100, who else showed up? Not Dillon Brooks lol. He should be suspended for game three because The Mitten is injured and can’t play. Maybe not having Brooks to miss eight threes helped the Grizzlies.
Zaire Williams! He’s young but he’s ready! All the bitching that people did over Taylor (gang) Jenkins playing the young wing was rebuked with last night’s performance. He made back to back threes in the fourth quarter, showed up on defense and just made me smile because hopefully he can grow into the Dillon Brooks Replacement. You know who really showed up on defense for the Grizzlies though? De’Anthony Melton! I mistakenly chose to pick him up over Desmond Bane in fantasy but yesterday, Melton was the dude. I’m pretty sure he had multiple blocks OF STEPH CURRY. He blocks shots but he’s like 6’3” maybe. I’m pretty sure he made threes too. He’s really good and in this series, Melton is solidifying his stature in the league as a winning player who can block shots, make threes, and do some ball handling. Sign me up for that kind of player!
JJJ was good I guess. He wasn’t an erupting supernova like Game 1 but he had moments. He’s too big for these Warriors. JJJ is so happy to be done with Karl Towns. I watch what JJJ does to little Andrew Wiggins and I realize why Karl is such a problem for these Warriors.
Brandon Clarke was bad. He fouled a bunch and wasn’t getting all the offensive rebounds. I guess he made some free throws and the occasional finish of a Morant ally-oop pass but Clarke was quiet.
Desmond Bane was really bad.
Ok, Celtics-Bucks. Shout out to me for being all over the Celtics in this spot. Grant Williams did this thing where he made more than five threes and stopped Giannis Antetokounmpo on defense. Ummm…. that’s amazing. Grant Williams is a Pygmy Hippo who will sign a good contract after his rookie deal is over. Jaylen Brown took Grayson Allen’s head and shoved it up his Mom’s fat, dusty twat. My goodness. I like Grayson but that was bad.
Jrue Holiday had his typical no-show playoff offensive performance. The Bucks were bad and this was over quickly. On to tonight! Hopefully I can keep a cool head and not do something rash like pick the Warriors up 1-0 on the road in game 2.
2022 NBA ATS record: 26-23
HEAT 🔥 (-8) over Sixers 🔔-
This is what everyone else is doing and I don’t care. I’m not picking the Sixers until Embiid comes back. That is all.
SUNS ☀️ (-6) over Mavs 🐴-
I’m not giving the Mavs any respect. I think the Suns cover again.

Today's email is quite tardy. 2-0 yesterday! Shout out to me. Unlike game 1 of the Heat-Sixers series, there was no internal debate over whether or not to watch the game. I didn’t watch a second and I didn’t watch the CCBN recap. I just picked the Heat and took the ‘W’. Great decision. As for the Suns-Mavs, I watched a lot of the second and third quarters live and just finished the CCBN recap. Those 7 pm tip-offs are ridiculous. That’s way too late. Anyways, here are my thoughts. Mavs first.
The first play I saw from this game was Spencer Dinwiddie beating Javale McGee on the perimeter, only to have McGee recover and pin Dinwiddie’s soft layup on the backboard. This got me to look up if Javale McGee is still a vegan because he’s like 34. It seems he is. Along with Chris Paul of course. They probably eat at the same lunch table sometimes just like Rudy Gobert and Donovan Mitchell. McGee has had a great career. He was awesome on the Nuggets and he’s parlayed incredible physical gifts and remarkable athleticism into a lucrative NBA career. In this game he fouled a lot and when he complains about fouls he looks like a retarded monkey. The foul where he tackled Kleber on a made Bullock three turned into a four-point play. I believe the Mavs made a three in their next possession after the Suns missed. Seven points in two possessions isn’t conducive to winning playoff games. Just like how my internet exploration of Javale McGee’s diet wasn’t conducive for me actually getting into watching this game live.
Reggie Bullock has a disgusting hairdo and a giant head. He makes threes and you feel like he’s so comfortable with those shots. He takes them like he’s alone in the gym. Fast and in rhythm. He’s good and the Mavs are smart for having him.
I really like Spencer Dinwiddie because he’s good and is an LA hooper (Taft HS shout-out) but him and Jalen Brunson are ideally your fourth and fifth best player on the championship team that the Mavs are trying to assemble. Dinwiddie in particular seems like a guy who should just play for the Queens so he can take fifteen shots a game, make eight, keep the ball in his hands, and win 35 games every year. I don’t trust Dinwiddie to make catch and shoot threes and I don’t trust him to make plays on defense. Obviously he doesn’t specialize in getting tough defensive rebounds. I like him, but I just don’t think he’s a winning player. Not as detrimental as DLo, just not optimal.
Jalen Brunson didn’t do anything in this game. He also doesn’t really make catch-and-shoot threes or make plays on defense. Is it insane to rather have Grand Theft Alvarado over Jalen Brunson? Probably. Jalen should sign a big contract with the Knicks so he can have the ball in his hands. Him playing with Lord Luka Dončić isn’t in the Ben Simmons-Joel Embiid stratosphere of ill-fated marriages but it’s just one step up.
Lord Luka Doncic. My goodness. The shots he was making in the second quarter were laughably absurd. He’s amazing. Absolutely unguardable. Shout out to the Queens for picking Marvin Fagley over him. I love how Lord Luka pivots a lot when he’s close to the basket. Those pivots are unstoppable. Cam Johnson was hopeless trying to guard him, and Cam Johnson isn’t small. He practices perfect pick and roll offense. He’s a surgeon who drops nuclear bombs from three. Lord Luka is a joy to watch. He probably enjoys playing with this rag-tag Mavs team but he deserves so much better than Maxi Kleber (maybe their second-best player right now), Jalen Brunson, Dinwiddie, and Davis Bertans. Oh, Lord Luka never losses the ball dribbling and he treats Devin Booker like his son when he drives to the rim. Just gives him the shoulder, and slowly rises for a calm, certain layup. Jesus Christ he’s amazing.
Before I move to the Suns, I feel like the Mavs defense is in tatters. In the fourth quarter, Devin Booker was making these super obvious passes in the half-court to wide-open corner three shooters. There wasn’t any dribble penetration, just Booker surveying the defense and whipping it to the corner for Landry Shamet to cash in. Things are looking grim for the Mavs.
For the Suns, most of their players made shots. Their team 3pt% was 52%. Their team shooting splits were 64-52-86. They scored 129. The Suns Machine that we were introduced to in the regular season is fully operational. Bismack Biyombo is out there protecting the rim, dunking and not commuting awful fouls and turnovers. Chris Paul is putting everyone guarding him in the torture chamber. Javale McGee is throwing dimes to a cutting Mikal Bridges. Overall, this Suns team plays like a team who relishes making the extra pass for a dunk that breaks an opponent’s will. Jae Crowder is making his shots. Mikal Bridges in the first quarter was throwing dimes. DeAndre Ayton played 18 minutes in a game that I’m sure will be glossed over by his agent when they ask Robert Sarver and James Jones for a maximum contract. I think New Orleans is much better than people realize and that the fact that they gave this Suns team a competitive series should be a credit to the Pelicans. The Pelicans-Suns series was by far the best first-round series. Don’t give me this horse manure about Grizzlies-Timberwolves. That series was unpleasant, like watching an underage porno.
These Mavs seem hopeless against the Supernova Suns.
2022 NBA ATS record: 28-23
I’m picking Friday’s games today because I like my picks and I feel like there could be some line movement.
Heat (-1) over SIXERS -
I could’ve sworn that this was Sixers -1 when I woke up. I don’t think Embiid is playing and these Sixers are very bad. Typically picking the home team down 0-2 is a tried and true way to pick WINNER$. These Sixers are disgusting and I’m not giving them that respect. Screw Embiid. He’s hurt and will always be hurt. He falls down too much and I question his dietary choices. Screw Harden. I definitely question his dietary choices. Good riddance to these Sixers.
MAVS (pick ‘em) over Suns -
I’ll show the Mavs some respect in this spot. Home team down 0-2. The Nuggets found a way to win a home game against the Warriors and I think the Mavs will find a way to win one against the Supernova Suns. It would help if their defense could prevent the Supernova Suns from shooting 64-52-86 as a team.

No games yesterday obviously but I wanted to share some things. First, there were a couple of things I forgot to mention about Wednesday’s Suns-Mavs game. The first is that Phoenix has the hottest women in the crowd. There was this woman in black sitting courtside who had the pleasure of sitting behind Monty Williams all game. She was super fire. The camera people caught a girl kissing her Mavs Fan boyfriend after the Mavs made a basket. She wasn’t on the courtside woman’s level as a War Starter, but she was nice-looking and catching her kiss on a broadcast was more than welcome. I’m more than open to random fan kisses being inserted to live broadcasts. That kiss even made it into the CCBN recap. So yeah, it seems like there are a lot of hotties in Phoenix.
Second, there was a stretch in the second quarter where there were a bunch of offensive fouls called. Seemingly all of them were by Tony Brothers aka, the guy who looks like those brown things in Mario that you jump on to kill. I’m not against calling offensive fouls, but calling several of them consecutively is a good way to make me lose interest in the game. Sorry, not sorry.
Lastly, I checked the lines and the Heat-Sixers game is now Heat -3.5. Did I say that this line would move against the Heat yesterday? Oh, I did! I predicted that Embiid wouldn’t play and the line would move. Now I get a free 2.5 points because I picked the Heat yesterday! Mavs are still a pick ‘em. I know ball. I have a tough time being “nice”, but if you want astute observations of round-ball, you come to me.
I’m just so ready to go on a bender picking WINNER$ to finish the playoffs! Let's fucking go!!!! Release the Kraken!!!!

Well, I feel a little retarded this morning. I made a big deal about Embiid probably not playing and line movement in my direction, Embiid plays, and the Sixers freeze the Heat. One of the most difficult things to do when picking WINNER$, is keeping the discipline to pick “spots”. When a team loses the first two games on the road, you have to pick that team at home in game 3. And if they don’t cover game 3, you have to pick them in game 4 to at least get one win. The Nuggets didn’t cover their game 3 against the Warriors but I think that the only home team that didn’t cover game 3 down 0-2 so far in the playoffs. There are only three more series in the playoffs but if any of them falls into this “spot”, I’m not picking the team up 2-0. I’m sorry for losing sight of that. I didn’t watch that godforsaken Sixers game. Not even the CCBN recap. I caught the end of it because Mavs-Suns was appointment television and the early game ran a little late. Looking at the early game’s box score led me to believe James Harden answered the bell. Lol jk. Of course he didn’t. James had yet another playoff stinker while Maxey and Embiid carried the day. If James gets a big contract after this, the Sixers deserve five more years of regular season success followed by Embiid getting Ebola in the playoffs and causing the Sixers to lose in the second round while people rue what a healthy Sixers team could accomplish. I’m just disgusted with James Harden. I’ve been disgusted with him ever since he dribbled the life out of the Rockets playoff chances against the Warriors. The Sixers already made a terrible error when they signed Tobias Harris to big money because they traded lots of stuff for him. Now the Sixers owners are going to let Daryl Morey sign Little Game James to fifty million dollars a year because Daryl traded lots of stuff for Harden and because Daryl goes in the team shower and picks up James’ loose beard hairs to Jack off to? Call me a lunatic, but I think the Sixers owners remember the circumstances that led to them handing Tobias Harris $150 million dollars, and they’re not going to let Daryl sign this dilapidated boozer to onerous money. It’s just too obvious that a big Harden extension would ruin the franchise. Maybe it’s too obvious only to me. Maybe these people who are in charge of NBA teams don’t have the wood to make tough decisions or decisions that would upset players. I don’t know. What I do know is that Little Game James Harden can not be trusted and if you bet player totals, bet James Harden unders.
Looking through the Heat box score told me what I already knew. This Heat team lacks talent. Lots of NBA media people watch them try hard during the regular season and get caught up with what they see during the Silly Season. Then when the playoffs start, there’s all these expectations on Max Strus, Gabe Vincent, handicapped Oladipo, and three white guys to make plays against legitimate teams who are also trying hard. Everything that happened in the bubble should be wiped from the history books.
Kyle Lowry is not aging like Chris Paul. Kevin Durant is not aging like LeBron James. LeBron and Chris Paul are not things that are replicable or destined to be repeated in the future. They are one-offs. Unique cases of unholy basketball excellence. Speaking of Chris Paul! I watched pretty much all of that game live!
I made a big deal about the Suns team shooting splits heading into game 3 and you know what happened? The Suns missed lots of shots from everywhere. Close shots, midrange shots, and three-point shots. The Mavs defense wasn’t broken like it was in the fourth quarter of game 2, but the Suns just missed shots. That happens! Mikal Bridges especially missed lots of easy shots. He got a technical and I think his unsatisfactory performance was a big reason. Mikal Bridges is not someone who gets technicals. He’s one of those blacks who had parents that worked safe, steady jobs and could easily afford to spend five thousand dollars a year on their kid's sports exploits.
It’s tough to have any analysis for this Suns game. They missed shots and Chris Paul turned it over seven times in the first half. Teams shouldn’t be able to overcome missing shots and turning the ball over, and the Suns didn’t.
I love Lord Luka Dončić. Of course I watched this game with the broadcast on mute. Sorry, Mark Jones but I think you’re an Uncle Tom who is one of those old guys who thinks they have to use the slang terms that their kids are using. He’s easily my least favorite play-by-play person. Anyways, back to Lord Luka. His FG% was bad. He was 2-5 from the line, and he had five turnovers. He totally dominated that game. God help any Suns player defend Lord Luka Dončić in the post. Lord Luka is too large and he pivots and reverses too much for anyone to stop him from getting a layup. I love watching Lord Luka’s post game. He had this one up-and-under that made DeAndre Ayton look like a fool. It made be happy. Lord Luka seems like someone who’s dad was a professional player and now a coach, and who’s mom was a dancer. Not a dancer that Little Game James Harden would patronize, one of those legitimate ballet dancers who just happened to also be six feet.
Something about how Lord Luka takes step-back shots makes me feel confident that it’s going in. He’s so comfortable taking that shot, I can feel it. He knows no one can block it so he just takes his time and launches the thang. I’m so happy that we have Lord Luka in our basketball lives. I’m a little disappointed that the plastic surgery reptile Mark Cuban gets to own the team that Lord Luka plays on, but I’ll get over it. Lord Luka is a show. Oh, and it really tickles me that he talks to the defenders guarding him. It seems like Lord Luka is audibly reminding Mikal Bridges about how hopeless he is as a defender. I still watch Lord Luka screaming to PatBev about being too small. Goosebumps. God I love Lord Luka.
Ok, so about the rest of the Mavs…
Dorian Finney-Smith is money from three but he might have the worst layup game from guys who have a fifty-million-dollar contract. He had one where he tried to lay it up with Ayton on his hip and the attempt went over the rim, shot off the backboard, and ricocheted off the opposite side of the rim without touching the basket and clearing it by about six feet. The ball almost touched the top of the backboard. It was so bad that the other Mavs thought Dorian was fouled but he wasn’t at all. Good for Dorian for making himself into a very trustworthy shooter but his layup game is repugnant.
Jalen Brunson had a really good game. I tip my proverbial cap to him. Having said that, I still don’t like him next to Lord Luka. The fit is obviously clunky. Brunson made his mark but dribbling into the key and making shots from around there. He’s Lilliputian but he finds a way to get the ball to bounce around the rim before falling in. I just can’t get over how small Jalen Brunson is! His success around the rim shouldn’t be sustainable! It kind of isn’t! Look at the first two games! Yesterday, he was 1-5 from three on exclusively wide-open attempts spoon-fed to him by Lord Luka. That’s unacceptable from Brunson. When he shoots these open threes, I get the sense that those shots aren’t comfortable for him. Brunson needs to sign with the Knicks.
Maxi Kleber was Dallas’ third-best player. He made threes and blocked three shots. He even had a nice little fifteen-footer that he dribbled into at the end of the shot clock. Kleber is a keeper. You know who isn’t a keeper along with Jalen Brunson? Spencer Dinwiddie. He goes up soft around the rim. He thinks he’s really good, but he’s a bench scorer. Not a starting ball handler. His offensive production was awful in this game but I felt his presence in the game. He made defensive plays, and just played with force in general. Spencer Dinwiddie in this game was a guy who a girl says had a small dick but made up for it with effort.
Reggie Bullock made threes and I liked him on defense. He was part of a Mavs defense that was swarming and desperate. I really like Reggie Bullock. Mavs need to keep him and Kleber.
Frank Ntilikina made an appearance! He played a lot! Shout out to Frank!
I can’t wait to pick the Suns in game 4. Game 3 was such a fluke. People are going to talk themselves into this being a series but the Supernova Suns are coming back in game 4.
2022 NBA ATS: 29-24
BUCKS (-1.5) over Celtics -
This line started at -3.5 and is moving towards the Celtics big-time. I have a few things that I think. Of course, I’ve been mentally going through these games today and debating which side to take. I’m taking the Bucks because I don’t think the Celtics will get the Grant Williams three-point shooting performance that they got in game 2 in game 3. That’s one thing. Without that, it’s tough for me to imagine the Celtics coming up with enough points.
The biggest reason why I am taking the Bucks is that they have that Greek God, Giannis Antetokounmpo. I picked against the Bucks against the Suns in last year’s Finals and it really put a damper on an all-time playoff ATS picks performance from yours truly. I owe Giannis.
The problem with taking the Bucks is that the Celtics are the much better team and have been destroying the league for four months. Think about how big all of the Celtics players are. The Williams’s, Al Horford, Jaylen and Jayson. All five of those guys are very big and very strong. Throw in Marcus Smart who is definitely not the best defensive player under 6’6” but still a force on that end. This Celtics team is very good. Derrick White is quitting on life but I don’t think that’s something that really matters.
I’m taking the Bucks! Fade me! Fade Giannis!
Grizzlies (+7.5) over WARRIORS ️-
Who can you trust in life? Can you trust your Mom? You want to trust your mom, but she may or may not be connected to reality. She might be incapable of steering you in the right direction. My dad trusts his mom, but she just isn’t capable of making wise decisions. She needs her husband to take care of her and think for her.
Can you trust your dad? I can’t trust my dad. He’s too damaged from having two parents who didn’t really care about him. I have to be ready for my dad to lose his mind and get crazy eyes every moment we’re together.
You know who you can trust? You can trust me to know what I’m talking about when I talk about basketball!! You can take that to the bank and the fat Mexican bank teller will cash that check at the window!!! I’m putting my nuts on the line and I’m taking the Grizzlies and the points in this game!!!
The line was seven and now it’s seven and a half. Everyone is betting the Warriors. The Grizzlies covered both games at home. It doesn’t make sense that they would cover the first three games. I don’t care about that. I care about Dillon Brooks and how I’ve NEVER believed in him as a player. I think the Grizzlies should trade him (or not resign him) and that they are a better team without him missing shots, fouling three-point shooters, and taking foot-on-the-line two-pointers. He’s not good and I would be a hypocrite if I believed that his absence wouldn’t make the Grizzlies BETTER.
Ok, another thing. Going into the playoffs, I was skeptical of the Klay Thompson situation. This is a player who ruptured his Achilles and tore his ACL in back-to-back years. Now he’s back and guess what?! He’s playing awful. Klay is taking awful step-back twos and missing all of them. Is Klay trying to guard Ja Morant?! LOL. Steve Kerr and the whole Warriors organization is too attached to Klay Thompson because of what he did in the past. Steve Kerr is no Bill Belichek. He’s no Taylor Hart. That’s a good thing! He probably has many friends who he had great relationships with, but in this business, the business of winning professional sports championships, you need to be a ruthless, cutthroat killer. You need to be able to shake Klay Thompson’s hand, thank him for what he did yesterday, and tell him that it’s Jordan Pole’s time now. Steve Kerr won’t do that. He’s too emotionally attached to Old Yeller to take him out back and shoot him in the head.
Do you know who is replacing Dillon Brooks? De’Anthony Melton. My fucking boi! North Hollywood’s finest! The guy who blocked Steph Curry TWICE in game 2! Melton is also a better three-point shooter than Brooks. He also won’t take shots away from other, more capable shooters. Melton won’t shoot you out of a game like Brooks will.
Fourth thing, ummm, Ja Morant scored 47 in game 2. It’s safe to say that the Warriors are hopeless to guard him. I’m not even sure that they are capable of doubling him. I think Ha will escape that double team of Klay Thompson and Jordan Poole. LOL if one of those defenders is Kevon Looney!
JJJ is a big dummie, but maybe he can impose his will around the rim on offense. Andrew Wiggins has zero shot and holding up against JJJ around the rim. Now I’m not saying that’s something to bank on, but JJJ could easily be a problem for the Warriors’ defense.
Speaking of Wiggins, Jesus Christ. I have all the confidence in the world that his three-pointers won’t go in. He’s not someone you would want to battle with. This is obvious. We all know this.
I have one last thing to say about this game and this series. We all have been waiting for Steph to play like the Chef Curry that we know and love. We’ve been waiting all season and it hasn't really happened!!! I know he was very high in the fantasy basketball Player Rater, but Steph’s percentages have been down this year. He’s 34! Maybe this is the start of the end! Other people are not LeBron! Or Chris Paul! Steph has been turning the ball over and missing shots this series. I think everyone is just blindly convincing themselves that Chef Curry will come back into our lives and burn this dumb Grizzlies team now that the games are at Chase Center. I don’t like that thinking. Give me the points! Give me Ja Morant! Give me the Grizzlies!!!

Man, that Grizzlies pick was bad! I watched all of the Celtics-Bucks game and get the emotional triumph that comes with picking a WINNER in a great, close game and then the Grizzlies just crumble in the later game. That Grizzlies game started off great too! The team was making ridiculous threes and the Warriors kept turning the ball over. Then the avalanche started and the Grizzlies’ offense quit on life. I was all ready to trumpet how I had the uncommon opinion that Tyus Jones is better than Jalen Brunson but the avalanche started when Tyus Jones came in for Ja in the second quarter. I don’t really have my best analysis for that Warriors tornado. I watched all of the first half, then when things got out of hand in the third quarter I watched YouTube videos about making chocolate and those CNBC Make It videos. I just wanted a break from the puke fest that the Grizzlies were having on offense. Sometimes when I take a break from games, the score magically gets back to a pleasant equilibrium. Not so with this game. 30 point margin at the end. Warriors finish the game with historic shooting splits. I think they shot 60-50-90 as a team.
Quick side note about the Warriors crowd. There was a certified nuclear weapon in jeans and a white top sitting. Courtside next to her man with full sleeves. Shout out to her. Also, shout out to what looked like the oldest couple in the Bay Area sitting courtside next to the scorers table. They were ancient. Lastly, fuck that asshole wearing the tie-die sweater with the Warton Business School baseball cap. That guy can burn in hot lava. OK, back to the actual game. Klay made shots. He still takes those awful step-back twos but he made them this game. Andrew Wiggins decided to enforce his will by incinerating Brandon Clarke before THROWING THE HAMMER DOWN. Wiggins even made a three that looked clean it the first half. Jordan Poole was completely unguardable. No one on the Grizzlies can stay in front of him. I came across and interesting little tidbit where the question was posed as to which 22-and-under small player you would prefer. I believe the group included Poole, Garland, Haliburton, Herro and Maxey. I liked the question and would rank them (from most to least liked): Garland, Poole, Maxey, Haliburton, and Herro as a distant last. The difference between Maxey and Poole is almost strictly to taste in my opinion. I really don’t trust any of those players to avoid getting targeted on defense besides Haliburton though.
Can you tell that I was uninterested in that Warriors-Grizzlies game 3? Jesus, that was a boring game. Xavier Tillman blocked Steph Curry at the three point line and Steph continues his annual playoff disappointment. Shout out to Little Game James Harden for distracting us from Steph Curry’s playoff disappointments!
Bad news for t he Grizzlies, after three days rest, Desmond Bane looked like he had the bladder control of an eighty-year-old alcoholic. He shit all over himself when he had the ball. Falling down, losing the ball, and relying on the refs to bail him out by calling fouls on Jordan Poole. Bane has had an amazing campaign but it’s not ending well.
I was kind of expecting JJJ to do something on offense and all he could muster was a few first quarter desperation threes. I’m in on JJJ as a regular season fantasy basketball player. I’m out on him as a competent practitioner of playoff offense. He doesn’t play with enough force on that end of the court.
De’Anthony Melton really let me down. His dribbling is not where you need it to be. I don’t trust him to navigate fast breaks with the ball and he wasn’t close on his three-point shots.
Shout out to Zaire Williams. He had multiple ally-oops and I just liked what I saw from him. Grizzlies got a good one in him. He can grow into the person who allows the Memphis organization to trade Dillon Brooks, JJJ, and Melton for Zion Williams. Those two teams already traded Steven Adams for Jonas Valanciunas. They can rekindle their passion and make a trade based around JJJ for Zion. If I don’t say so myself, I am the best fake-NBA-trade person in the world. People don’t bother to look through the teams like I do and the few that do bother don’t have my imagination.
Ok, now for the real game of yesterday. Celtics-Bucks. I watched all of that game and wow, what a delight. That game was a heavyweight bout that was just beautiful.
GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO
The Greek God!!!! All of the people in the Bucks organization need to get on their knees and suck him off. Khris Middleton can stay in Giannis’ rear to do butt stuff while everyone else satisfies their debt to the best player in the NBA because he tore his MCL. Jrue Holiday did do stuff on offense, thank God, but I just watch him on that end and he’s not dynamic at all. It seems like he just passes it to Giannis and jogs to the corner so he can let Giannis do the heavy lifting. You do not want to have Jrue Holiday as the pick-and-roll ball handler with Giannis because Jrue isn’t going to attack the rim and get a layup. Look at me, I’m talking like Hubie Brown! Shout out to Hubie. Him and Dave Pasch are right there with Ian Eagle and Jim Jackson for the title of best broadcast team. I still watched the game on mute with classical music in the background but it was nice to see that bag of bones in a suit, Hubie Brown, shown on the screen. Hubie really is the best color guy and Pasch isn’t offensive to my palette, which is all you need when you have Hubie. Hubie and someone loud like Kevin Harlan or Ian Eagle wouldn’t work. Anyways, back to the Bucks.
Pat Connaughton made threes but there was a big one at the end of the game where Giannis got triple-teamed and kicked the ball out to Pat. Pat missed the three when that would have sealed the game for the Bucks. Pat has been playing really well but I still want more from him. It’s a bad look for white guys that Pat can do any dunk but doesn’t have the dexterity to pump fake a three, dribble to the rim, and slam that shit down like the other team sprayed his mom’s house.
Grayson Allen was absent from this game. He’s really letting me down. I’m a fan of Grayson and I need him to make some threes in game 4 for me to maintain my affection for him.
Brook López needs to maul Al Horford or Robert Williams III when either of them is guarding him. Just to take some of their energy away from defending Giannis. I understand that Brook is old and recovering from back surgery but he plays on Giannis Antetokounmpo’s team and Greek Freak deserves to win the championship. To do that, he needs Brook to contribute on offense. It’s fucking incredible that this Bucks team managed to score enough points when their offense is “give Giannis the ball and don’t move around after Giannis gets it”. It really frustrates me how the Bucks don’t involve Peyton Pritchard more when they have the ball. I was watching and waiting for Grayson to set Giannis a screen (Pritchard guards Grayson) but that never happened. Shout out to Mike Budenholzer. Another coaching thing that I didn’t like from the Bucks was how they paid so much attention to Derrick White as a shooter and driver. That dude needs to be ignored and the Bucks still collapsed their defense when White got close to the rim. Overall, the Bucks just don’t strike me as a team that plays to their opponents weaknesses in personnel. Oh well, they have Giannis, and when you have Giannis, anything is possible. It’s just disheartening how obvious it is that Giannis is exhausted from carrying all of these shitheads to wins and postseason glory.
As for the Celtics, they came very close to winning this game with an all-time clunker from Jayson Tatum. It didn’t feel as bad as his final stat line made it seem. The game was a rock fight and Tatum’s misses just blended into the game I guess.
You know who showed up for the Celtics on offense in the fourth quarter and almost WON THEM THE GAME?!? Al Horford!!!! The dude who was the best big man on the team that won the championship in my twelve team fantasy basketball, $100 buy-in league. Shout out to me. Shout out to Al Horford. Shout out to the Dominican Republic.
Seriously though, Big Al was making threes, free throws and I think he made a two point shot as well. He was just phenomenal. Big Al must be so happy that LeBron didn’t participate in the playoffs and also hitched his professional wagon to Russell Westbrook.
Grant Williams made threes again! He’s really good! Did Danny Ainge draft him?! Grant Williams is a really good player and the Celtics are lucky to have him. Somehow he turned into the best Giannis defender in the NBA. I’m just as shocked as you are by that development. Next year in fantasy basketball, draft Grant Williams. He’s probably going to get disrespected in the preseason rankings but he’s really good and at the end of fantasy drafts, just get good, young players. Not players like Will Barton or Gordon Hayward who will each inevitably tear their hamstring and fracture their ankle, respectively.
Robert Williams III has been a favorite of mine ever since he had that windmill dunk in the NCAA tournament while he played at Texas A&M. I’ve read that this year, Mark Williams is like my nigger lovechild Robert Williams III. That’s disrespectful to Robert. Robert made a baseline jump shot in this game! Robert is capable of passing and shooting! He’s an amazing basketball player who people don’t like because he’s very dark skinned, has ghetto tattoos, and has a ghetto hairstyle. I love my son! Robert Williams III was really good in this game and is a great player! Take that!
Here is the Taylor Hart Niche Team. Players who I like but aren’t supernova stars like Lord Luka and the Greek God.
THNT: Bogdan Bogdanovic (fuck Trae Young), Robert Williams III, Evan Mobley, Grand Theft Alvarado and Herb Jones.
That team has three rookies, is a little light on shooting and rebounding beef but that’s my squad!
The Taylor Hart Supernova Team is much different.
THST: Lord Luka Dončić, Greek God, Jokić, LaMelo Ball, and Kawhi. Good luck playing that team!
Ok, one more thing before I get to today’s games. Chandler Parsons does these Morgan & Morgan law firm commercials and he dyed his hair blonde! Chandler has really let himself go and his face is quite chubby now but the blonde hair makes him even more handsome. Shout out to him.
2022 NBA ATS record: 30-25
Suns ☀️ (-2) over MAVS 🐴-
This line was -1.5 yesterday. When a team loses by around ten in a pick ‘em game and the line for the next game moves towards the team that lost, you pick the team that lost. That means that the previous game was a fluke. I said that after watching game 3. Supernova Suns come back and incinerate this ragtag Mavs team. Sorry Mark Cuban, you’ll feel better after another facelift, I promise.
SIXERS 🔔 (-2) over Heat 🔥-
This line was also -1.5 yesterday. I’ve been waiting to pick against the Heat because I think they aren’t very good, just good. This Sixers team with Embiid is very good. That building is going to be insane. Favorites are covering above 60% of the time. I believe I read that on the Action Network. Both the favorites covered on Saturday and I’m picking both favorites to cover today. Lets do this.

Full disclosure, Mr. Hart is visiting. This will surprise you, but my dad does not like basketball. At least not like yours truly. There’s a reason that yours truly came to UCR as a post player who could pass, make free throws and close shots and left UCR as a full-court maelstrom. That’s because one of my parents cared more about standardized testing than working on my handle, my comfortability shooting threes, and my hip fluidity. Oh well. Your boi fixed that when he escaped Mr. Hart’s misguided priorities. Ball is life. Most people say that but don’t really mean it, don’t really live it. I typically don’t say that phrase but in this space, I’ll let it fly.
Anyways, Mr. Hart kind of distracted me during the Mavs-Suns game, and during the Sixers game, I gave Mr. Hart the screen that was playing the game. That meant that I couldn’t watch Little Game James Harden score 31, but it also meant that Mr. Hart was too distracted to pester me about buying a house and the intricacies of his legal practice. Totally worth it. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not the biggest fan of Mr. Hart. He means well but I just don’t enjoy his presence. I’m an asshole. That’s my big problem in life. Don’t worry, I know this.
I say all of that to say this. My analysis of yesterday's games isn’t as smart as usual. I had a difficult time focusing on the basketball.
I watched the Suns-Mavs as I stated earlier. I love that the refs called Lord Luka Dončić on his bullshit at the beginning of the game but that made Lord Luka angry and the Suns do not want to play against an angry Lord Luka. Mikal Bridges is already helpless, he doesn’t need the extra energy from Lord Luka. I like when Lord Luka is angry. Like a girlfriend who likes their boyfriend more when they’re just about ready to slap the shit out of her. Like a girl who wears a choker and likes to come just short of passing out before getting nutted in. That’s me and Angry Lord Luka.
Dorian Finney-Smith only shot one two-pointer. I think he missed it but he made lots of threes. Shout out to him. I’m just baffled that the Mavs won that game and we’re leading by ten points for pretty much the entirety of the game. I kept waiting for the Suns to explode and it never happened.
My biggest takeaway from that game? This is a little vulgar, so please excuse my language, but Chris Paul is a fucking faggot who hasn’t won DICK because at the end of the day he’s five-eleven and plays in the NBA. Fuck you Chris. That was some janky shit I just saw from you. Some little punk shit. That offensive foul that you committed on Brunson was a great call. Shout out James Williams. Hey Chris, why the fuck is Jalen Brunson pulling your team around the basket? Jalen Brunson is 5’10”. That’s plainly unacceptable.
I’m just in disbelief at what I saw from Phoenix in game 4. Shocked. Appalled.
DeAndre Ayton isn’t catching the ball as well as he usually does. I’m picking the Suns in game 5, but Jesus Christ, they have really made me lose a lot of respect for them. That game 4 was never really close.
As I said, I didn't watch the Sixers game. I was in a pretty bad mood from witnessing the Suns quit against this Mavs team. Oh, one thing about the Mavs. Mark Cuban stands with the bench on the sideline. I don’t like that, but I like how the whole Mavs bench stands up and rallies the team. I’m a fan of how Tim Hardaway JR dresses. Him and Theo Pinson are fun to watch on the sideline.
2022 NBA ATS record: 31-26
Grizzlies (+10) over WARRIORS ️-
The possibility of getting this right by picking the Grizzlies is too tempting for me. What if last game was a fluke from Klay? What if the Grizzlies really are better without having to rely on Ja? Everyone will want to take the Warriors. I just can’t resist taking the Grizzlies here in a spot where absolutely no one believes in them. Seeing what the Suns did yesterday has me ready to believe almost anything. Fuck you, I’m taking the Grizzlies. This is my “Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs”.
Celtics (+1) over BUCKS -
I just can’t imagine a world where this Bucks team takes a 3-1 series lead over this Celtics team. Also, Giannis is so gassed at the end of these games. I’m taking the Celtics and if the Bucks won, I would be happy for Giannis, the Bucks, and all their white guys. I’m taking both underdogs in a playoffs that have had the favorites cover most games.
I’ll go wake up Mr. Hart now. We’re going to the country club this morning so that all of my rich friends who are ~65 years old can see what a retarded faggot my dad is.

AL HORFORD
Suck my fucking dick bitches! 2-0 yesterday against the spread! Deez Nuts!!! There will only be one “Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs”, and that one CASHED OUT. During one of the Celtics-Nets games I was watching at this bar/restaurant I started talking to this asshole and I got to selling my book. He asked me “do you think you’re good at writing?” I stopped and said, “yes I do.” I never really thought about that before that moment, but I genuinely do think I’m an amazing writer. Stuff I write is so much better than everything you see on the internet about basketball. This is deeply narcissistic, but I enjoy reading these emails that I send you after I write them. Thanks for forgiving me for the occasional spelling errors. You know what else I think I’m really good at? Picking WINNER$ in the NBA playoffs. You’re fucking welcome. I didn’t watch a second of that Warriors-Grizzlies game. I was too emotionally and mentally exhausted from watching that beautiful Celtics cumback.
I’ll share what I noticed from the Warriors game before I quit watching: “wow Steven Adams is moving well. He must have made a full recovery from the coronavirus.” That’s it. I just wanted to mentally go over what the fuck just transpired in that Celtics game. Then I checked the score of the Warriors game and that game was an obvious rock fight with the Grizzlies winning. When I checked the score I was like, “Jesus Christ I’m going to win the FYPOTP. I’m going to be insufferable in tomorrow's email.” I woke up this morning hoping that the Grizzlies pulled out the win but they lost by three. Maybe there is still hope for my opinion that Tyus Jones is better than Jalen Brunson. There’s certainty behind my assertion that Klay Thompson is going to ruin the Warriors sometime this postseason and that the Warriors coaches are just going to let it happen because they like the homemade pornos that Klay Thompson sends them. Oh well. At least Steph Curry made me laugh with shouting out the Kings.
Ok, now for that beautiful basketball game that happened before the Warriors brick festival.
I’ll start at the beginning. Jrue Holiday missed a layup but he made a more difficult layup shortly after so people forgot about it. Jrue makes me queasy when he dribbles and shoots. He was drafted in the teens because he didn’t show much offense at UCLA and he’s here to make players like Prime Anthony Davis and Giannis Antetokounmpo’s lives a lot more stressful than they have to be.
The Bucks were making shots to start this game and the Celtics had to respond. Somehow the Celtics kept it close but I was kind of rooting for the Bucks. I just admire Giannis’s herculean efforts to drag this carcass of a team to greatness so much that I can’t help but root for them. Even if I pick against them. You know who the Bucks second-best player was? Wesley Mathews! He poked the ball out of Marcus Smart’s hands on a fast break layup that saved the Bucks two points. Wes also gets the refs to call legitimate illegal screens on the Celtics. Oh, and he contests Jayson Tatum enough to make him miss. Wesley Mathews defense is exceptional. You watch him and think, “wow, no wonder those Blazer teams won playoff series”. Beyond Wesley Mathews amazing defense, he makes catch-and-shoot threes! I loved the one where Bobby Portis threw it to him in the corner and he drained it. That arrow celebration that Wes does is great. I feel like he invented it and he performs it with a flair that I appreciate. Wesley Mathews ruptured his Achilles and now he’s back. He was on the Kevin Durant rehab plan. Not the Kobe Bryant rehab plan. Just a great game from Wes Mathews.
Pat Connaughton made some shots. He intercepted a lazy Marcus Smart (I’ll get to Marcus soon) pass to Jayson Tatum and he had an open freeway to the basket. You know what Pat did? He did one of the stiffest one-hand dunks I’ve ever seen. Marcus was hopelessly racing back to contest but didn’t come close to making it. Pat Connaughton is the one white guy that can supposedly jump, and he only uses that athleticism for rebounds. I’m pretty sure that he tried to drive to the rim in the first half and couldn’t convert the layup that he planned in his head. I watch Pat and appreciate the focus in his eyes that I see but I would appreciate it even more if he could be a little more dynamic on offense. Or at least just try to be. Pat did block a Grant Williams three-pointer, so big shout out there.
Grayson Allen made some layups and threes! He’s much more dynamic than Pat. Grayson can dribble and move around with some wiggle. However, at the end of the game Grayson had a deep three that he pulled off of an offensive rebound that he missed. There was a full 14 seconds to get a shot. I realize that the Bucks were down 6 with two minutes left, so it was imperative that they get a clean three and I guess that was clean. I just didn’t really feel like Grayson deserved to take that shot at that time.
I haven’t checked the box score. Maybe Brook López might have scored 15 points. I like when he mauls dudes in the post. That gets the Celtics’ bigs tired and less able to adequately guard Giannis.
Jrue sucks on offense. It’s a problem. He doesn’t create separation and his shot is so broke.
Bobby Portis was great at pump faking from three and converting close shots.
George Hill’s offensive game is this: try to receive the inbounds pass after the opponent makes a shot. Then when Grayson Allen runs to contest the pass to Hill, Hill will immediately quit trying to catch the ball and slowly jog to the corner to hope that Giannis kicks to him for three. All of the juice that George Hill may have possessed at one point in his life is gone. He definitely doesn’t deserve to wear all-red shoes.
Ok, now for Giannis. He is an unstoppable force and in the third quarter, he completely wore down the Celtics defense. He was getting by Grant Williams and Al Horford (AL HORFORD) so the refs started calling blocks, and rightfully so. That dunk that Giannis had on Horford (AL HORFORD) was so nasty. I loved that Giannis looked at him after and these refs that call techs for looking at someone after they dunk all over them are the worst people in the world. Fuck those refs. Oh, at the beginning of this game Giannis was making the fifteen-foot shot and that made his existence untenable for the Celtics. If Giannis has a game where he makes four of those midrange shots, the Bucks will win. Doesn’t matter if it’s in Boston, if Giannis does that, the Bucks are winning that game.
Now for the Celtics.
AL FUCKING HORFORD. HOLY FUCK THAT DUDE ANSWERED THE BELL AND PUT THE TEAM ON HIS BACK. I was screaming “AL HORFORD” after every one of his ice-cold shots in the fourth quarter. What Al Horford did in the fourth quarter was one of the gutsiest playoff performances I have ever seen, and it all started with him dunking ALL OVER Giannis. As you know, I was watching the game on mute, so I’m not 100% sure why the Bucks shot a free throw after that dunk. Did they really call a tech on Al for that? A flagrant because he caught Giannis in the head with his off arm? They rightfully called a foul on Giannis. That should have just been a foul on Giannis. I am going to watch that dunk a lot today. And Horford’s screaming afterwards. God, that was incredible. Al Horford was taking Giannis’ big fat Nigerian dick up his ass for the whole game, and then in that moment, Al got up off his knees and slit Giannis’ throat. A truly beautiful moment. Then after Al ended Giannis on a poster dunk, Al proceeded to make every shot he took from every spot on the court. I’m glowing from that Al Horford performance. Truly spectacular.
Now I’ll get to Marcus Smart. He was dogshit for the first three quarters. He did this thing where he wildly gesticulated for the Celtics to move around on offense, then decided to dribble a bunch before trying to drive to the rim where he failed to score. That’s a huge douchebag move. He was missing everything and not passing enough. He had that pick-6 turnover to Connaughton that I mentioned. He was just making me upset by how bad he was playing. Awful basketball from Marcus. And you know what? He’s not that great on defense. He’s too small! Marcus isn’t nearly as strong as Jrue Holiday. Marcus had a bullshit flop on a Giannis move that the refs called. That’s not cool. I don’t like Marcus Smart as a basketball player. He definitely has the worst skin in the league too. Screw him. Somehow when the fourth quarter started Marcus Smart started posting up Jrue and making all of his shots.
Jayson Tatum! He saw Al Horford channeling Jesus and decided that it was time to start making his shots. The one layup where he tried to get Tony Brothers to call a foul was the one shot that I’ll remember from Tatum. Of course, he made threes and layups but that shot felt huge. It seemed to me like Jayson just decided that he’d had enough of the bullshit and that it was time to attack the rim with bad intentions (shout out Niykee Heaton). Thank you Jayson for helping AL HORFORD bring the Celtics that win. Going into that fourth quarter, things felt grim for the Celtics but they fucking won that shit. These Celtics-Bucks games are amazing and will be appointment television from this moment forward (not that they already were not). If I see anyone with Celtics apparel today, I’m going to fist bump them and just say “AL HORFORD”. Lets fucking go!!!!
2022 NBA ATS: 33-26 (hold my dick)
HEAT (-3) over Sixers -
I hate this pick. I hate this Heat team. I think they have a dearth of talent, and Embiid is back. That means the Sixers are good again, but in this spot I’m taking the home team to win and cover after getting shellacked in two road games. It’s just the prudent thing to do imo. I’m covering my nostrils and taking the Heat.
SUNS (-6) over Mavs -
You might as well copy and paste my logic for the previous pick and insert it here. Except I don’t hate this Suns team. I would love it if the Mavs won this, but I just don’t believe they can. I was in disbelief that the Mavs won game 4. Believe me when I say that it would bring a smile to my face to see Chris Paul shit the bed in the postseason again but I just think this Suns team turns back into the Supernova Suns that we saw in the first two games.

Remember how I wrote that I’m ready to go on a bender picking WINNER$? Well, I think I might be on that bender right now. 2-0 last night and both of those wins were several points over the spread. If you took the underdogs yesterday, you’d feel pretty dumb right now. I know I would.
Yesterday’s 2-0 wasn’t a tenth as satisfying as picking the Celtics in their Al Horford cumback and the Grizzlies in my “Fuck You Game Of The Playoffs”. Yesterday 2-0 was a boring double with the bases empty after the previous hitter in the lineup hit a three-run homer. Just keeping the onslaught going when the crowd is lowkey ready for the game to be over and their pitcher to strike out the opponent’s side. Oh well. I’m not done tearing through that juicy pussy that is these second-round NBA playoff matchups. Right now the 18-year-old high schooler is cumming like bombs are being detonated in her brain but I just keep pounding because I haven’t worked out before we started and I’m getting a nice pump going. I’m holding it in for at least another fifteen minutes.
I watched the beginning of the Heat game with full attention but as the blowout ensued, I gradually lost interest. That very handsome man Max Strus made his threes. I appreciated that. This whole Heat team was sniping from beyond the three-point line. Pops Junior made some. Jimmy Buckets made a couple. Tyler Herro had a telling moment where he drove to the rim and got his shot sent to the third row by his primary defender. It wasn’t Embiid. I think it might have been Danny Green or Tobias Harris. Someone light-skin. Tyler Herro is not someone who can finish in the paint during the playoffs. He’s not the Great White Hope that I crave. Lord Luka Dončić would be that player but he’s Slovenian so that disqualifies him. The Great White Hope has to be American. Or at least half. If I succeed and immigrate to Spain and impregnate a Spanish woman who is taller than 5’-9”, little Fulgencio will be eligible to return to America and be the Great White Hope that America secretly yearns for. By that time, America will be hopeless because Chet Holmgren will have busted out of the league in a way that will have burned everyone’s faith that a White can succeed in the NBA. I'm going to raise little Fulgencio like Lord Luka’s parents raised him. To be OK with posting up little Blacks like Chris Paul and screaming at them about how they’re too small after making a basket that was preceded by three pivots. Fulgencio will be like a shorter, less faggoty Pau Gasol. Or a different version of Marc Gasol that isn’t afraid to dunk and talk trash to the Blacks. Anyways, this Sixers-Heat game was super boring after it became clear that the Heat were going to make a bunch of threes and Embiid was playing injured. I felt bad seeing Embiid roll around on the floor after the ball re-broke his orbital bone. Doc Rivers definitely deserved the technical that he got after that happened.
You know how I said Phoenix had a hot crowd? Well Phoenix’s crowd is about a third as hot as Miami’s. My goodness. The chick in the red shirt and black jacket who sat behind the Heat bench was the best part of watching that game. Do you think Grant Hill and Spiro Dedes pointed her out on the broadcast? I’d be pretty surprised if they did.
During the game the camera was on Embiid or some other Sixers player and you could see the legs of another Sixers player. I could immediately identify those legs as Matisse Thybulle’s. Matisse is a beautiful human specimen. He saved my fantasy basketball team on more than one occasion but now in these playoff games, he’s playing like a little bitch. What does a little bitch play like? They play like someone who doesn’t shoot and doesn’t shut down Jimmy Butler. My guy Matisse is playing like he wants to be traded, or released. Maybe the Queens can sign him so that they can convince themselves that they won’t have the worst defense in the league.
Remember how James Harden won an MVP? Well, now, at the age of 32 he’s getting obviously outplayed by little gnomes named Gabe Vincent. Sorry, Sixers.
Last thing on this godforsaken game. Shake Milton spread his arms out on defense one time and I thought he was Paul Reed. Shake Milton has elite size and length. He should leave the Sixers and go to the Raptors so that Nick Nurse can mold him into the starting caliber player that he should be. Glenn Rivers is not that coach pal.
Mavs-Suns started out fun. Lord Luka was doing the things that make me love him. Namely, punking Chris Paul and talking to Chris about it afterward.
Oh, Davis Bertans was a goddamn flamethrower in the first half. Did he make 4 threes in that half?! lol. Brunson was linking fools in the paint too.
Lord Luka had this brilliant possession where Maxi Kleber passed to Lord Luka on the three-point line and Lord Luka immediately passed back to Kleber for a catch-and-shoot three. Kleber swooshed it. It’s very rare to see that pass at any level of basketball. The immediate pass-back. The give-and-go without “go-ing” for a layup. I’ll never forget how I did that once at the college rec center and how the dude swooshed the three and said “good pass Taylor”. Lord Luka does genius stuff on the basketball court and it makes me smile. He had this behind-the-back pass out of nowhere that found a wide-open Reggie Bullock (??) in the corner. Bullock, or whoever it was, missed the shot.
Phoenix entered the half up by three and I stopped watching. Waking up before three AM two days in a row, caught up to me. I think having Mr. Hart stay with me caused my brain to prevent my body from sleeping past three. It wasn’t like I was tired when I woke up either. I was up and ready to kill someone at three AM both “mornings”. No worries.
Today is a good day for NBA playoffs because we get to watch the only series that is actually good among the four matchups. You know the one.
2022 NBA playoff ATS record: 35-26
Quick note. To make money against the -110 odds that spread picks carry, you need a 52.5 win %. I think I’m at 56 right now. If memory serves, last year's playoffs was 57. Let’s fucking do this!
CELTICS (-5.5) over Bucks -
I want to pick the Bucks but I just think this series is going seven with the Bucks losing this game and winning back in Milwaukee. I would love it if the spread was lower so that there wasn’t as much of a possibility of the Bucks losing but still covering. I want the Bucks to win but this 5.5 seems like a line that is too high. Suspiciously high. I’m taking the Celtics here because I thought this spread would be around three points and since it’s much higher, I’m taking the Celtics because the line-setters must see something in this Celtics team. Does that make sense? It strikes me as twisted logic and a big part of the reason that picking these playoff games drives me into a state of insanity. Oh, and Giannis has to be wearing down from dragging Jrue Holiday. If he gets tired and the Bucks can’t rely on him, a blowout seems likely. Shoot me if I ever advise you to pick the Bucks because I think Jrue Holiday will have a bounce-back game. That dude is hopeless on offense in the playoffs. Set your clocks to Jrue Holiday making you feel bad for Giannis during the playoffs. That, and seeing Mike Budenholzer looks like a retarded alcoholic after something goes against the Bucks. He might be the dumbest-looking coach remaining in these playoffs. You know who looks really smart on the sideline? Jason Kidd! If I were a billionaire owner, I’d want this version of Jason Kidd to be my coach. The post-Lakers assistant version of Jason Kidd. Not the one that burned out with the Bucks.
Warriors ️ (-4) over GRIZZLIES -
I’m not picking the Ja-less Grizzlies to cover two games in a row against these Warriors. Last game was the FYPOTP and I’m done riding this Grizzlies wave. The Grizzlies have covered three of the four games and I think the Warriors blow their fucking brains out in this game to make it three games to two for the series (against the spread). This series needs to fucking end.

Ok, business first. I went 0-2 yesterday. I don’t regret my Celtics pick but that abomination that occurred in Memphis… I don’t even know what to say about that. I didn’t watch a second of that game and I refuse to watch the CCBN recap. I guess the Warriors had a turnover problem. 22 for them. 9 for the Grizzlies. My take that Tyus Jones is better than Jalen Brunson took off yesterday like Bitcoin in late 2020. But really, what the Warriors pulled off yesterday was so disgusting that I shouldn’t talk about that game anymore. At one point, the score was 110-61.
Actually, one more thing on the Warriors. Their coach at the moment is Mike Brown, someone who captained the ship of the Young LeBron Cavs. He’s always struck me as one of those black people that was overly focused on “looking the part” and not someone who tries new or unconventional things in fear of getting fired. I remember reading how Mike really impressed some owner with some organized binders about defensive coverages that he brought to a coach’s interview. Now, good ol’ Mike Brown has finagled his way to becoming the Queens head coach. I would just live it if he was at the helm of this unprofessional Warriors team while they choke away the 3-1 series lead they had against the Grizzlies. That would make me laugh. Queens incompetence is their version of playoff success at this point. Vivek Ranadivé is the worst owner in the NBA. He has half-white kids and his daughter is a recording artist. She tries to be hot but she can’t outrun those inbred Indian genes that her dad gave her.
I watched the Bucks-Celtics obviously. Of course I did. I had too. These Bucks-Celtics games are just spectacles of basketball excellence. After I watch them I feel like I need to smoke a cigarette or something. I’ve had one puff in my life but I’m familiar with the anecdote about having to smoke a cig after going through something intense and stimulating. These Bucks-Celtics games are both of those. I picked the Celtics and watching that game, it felt like the Celtics would pull off winning by 5.5 but their offense stopped in the fourth quarter. It was looking good after that AL HORFORD putback dunk. AL HORFORD wasn’t what he was in game 4 but he was still great. Good defense on Giannis, good passing, competent offense. However, he was the only big guy during the time that the Bucks absolutely punked the Celtics on the offensive glass. In the fourth quarter, the Bucks seemed to be getting at least one offensive rebound for every offensive possession where they missed. Celtics seemed to just be hoping that the ball magically fell into their hands.
Throughout the game, the Celtics were making shots and executing quality offense. Marcus Smart was making lots of outside shots. He had a pump fake, side step three around Pat Connaughton that was nice. Through the first three quarters, Marcus Smart was making outside shots, getting steals and baiting Giannis into offensive fouls. He played an exceptional game. It’s unfortunate how it ended for him, which was getting the ball stolen by Jrue Holiday while Jayson Tatum was wide-open in the corner. Oh, and getting his shit blocked by Jrue Holiday on the preceding possession. Sorry Marcus.
Jaylen Brown was good. He had 16 in the third quarter I believe. His passing is like Danny Green’s. Inexplicably terrible. Jaylen had a simple pass to Marcus Smart that he threw out of bounds. Jaylen just straight-up missed Marcus on the perimeter during what should have been a very easy pass. Jaylen also fumbles the ball away or gets it stolen a bunch when he dribbles. Major Danny Green vibes with him. He needs to stop being so obsessed with being a smart black guy who went to Cal and advocates for minorities. Jaylen needs to do a bunch of drugs, live in an RV in the desert, hallucinate, and expand his mind during the off-season. That, or do some fucking Pilates for his stiff-ass hips and do some tennis ball dribbling drills. Figure this shot out Jaylen.
I keep forgetting to roast Daniel Theis. He made shots in this game which was wild, but the Bucks attack him on defense. He’s like me in elementary school. The big kid who other students know won’t fight. It’s a problem. Daniel doesn’t get people's respect. He needs to establish his physical presence, and by that I mean that he needs to commit some hard fouls and try to hurt people on his box-outs. I’m not talking about a Dillon Brooks foul. Just hit someone and send them to the floor when they try to dunk on you. Nothing egregious, just a message that you’re done being a little punk bitch, which is what I see when I watch Daniel.
Grant Williams isn’t playing like he was earlier in the series. He isn’t making threes and he’s committing a lot of blocking fouls on Giannis. Also, Grant is bitching way too much to refs. It’s become off-putting.
Now for the Bucks.
Grayson Allen had 5 assists I think. He also had a nice and1 layup. I like what Grayson Allen does for this Bucks team. He’s a really good offensive player. Better than DiVincenzo imo.
Pat Connaughton made most of his shots and had two clutch free throws at the end.
BOBBY FUCKING PORTIS won the game with an offensive rebound tip-in! I really enjoy Bobby on this Bucks team. He plays basketball like someone who has big punching power. I would love to play with a dog like Bobby Portis. His FG% was poor, but he had that go-ahead basket so he is forgiven for missing lots of shots earlier in the game.
Wes Mathews had a three in the fourth quarter when things were looking bleak for the Bucks. He did his arrow celebration which struck me as odd, considering that the Bucks were down ~8 points in the fourth quarter. I guess it rallied them. Shout out to Wes.
Fucking Giannis Antetokounmpo. That dude is the goddamn Terminator. I might get a Nigeria shirt to honor Giannis and his standing as the best player in the world. I root for Giannis so hard to drag this mediocre Bucks team to wins. Does anyone outside of Boston watch these games and not get sucked into rooting for Giannis to win. What he is doing in these games is truly spectacular. He’s Atlas with the world on his shoulders and he’s carrying that shit. When Giannis’ face was bleeding and he’s just looking straight ahead, impervious to pain, I got goosebumps. That dude is unstoppable. Giannis will not be denied. Not by AL HORFORD and that Pygmy Hippo Grant Williams. Giannis had that three-pointer after someone else missed a three on the Bucks. It was in the fourth quarter. That shot made me think that Giannis was like, “I’m fucking tired of dragging these niggas. We need a fucking three. I’m throwing this shit up and I don’t care. If I miss, then I’m fine with that.” He made it and saved the Bucks season because I guess what he did before that three, wasn’t enough. Goddamn, Giannis is so incredible. He’s the king.
Jrue Holiday actually made shots this game and didn’t make me feel queasy watching him play offense. Oh, and he closed the fucking game out with a block where he retained possession and a steal. Marcus needs to FedEx the DPOY award and that dumbass robe that Marcus wore earlier, to Jrue’s parent's house so that they can keep them with Jrue’s other mementos from his incredible basketball career.
2022 NBA ATS record: 35-28
SIXERS (-2) over Heat -
I hate this series.
Suns (-2) over MAVS -
Figure it out Chris. Jesus Christ. If the Suns don’t win this game, DeAndre Ayton needs to be shipped off to Sacramento when he asks for a max. Bum ass Bahamian.

Alright, I’m ready to write this. My goodness. I’m on a four-game losing streak and the games I lose, I lose by thirty points against the spread. I think it might be the reason why I keep waking up before three. Probably not, but I like to think that my picks affect me physically more than they actually do. It makes this column seem like it’s more important than it actually is.
We’re at the point in the playoff ATS journey where I’m questioning my ability to think clearly and also my love of the game.
I watched the last few moments of that wretched Heat-Sixers game 6. Joel Embiid looked like a dog that needed to be put down by that point. The amount of sweat that was cascading off of his black skin was disconcerting.
The score was close and I listened to Jalen Rose tell me that the Sixers were in trouble if Joel Embiid couldn’t find more energy. Thanks Jalen.
The second half starts and as you know I watch these games on mute with music in the background. I have no idea what Hubie Brown and Dave Pasch are opining about. I just have my own observations and judgments. What I see in that third quarter was the most horrendous playoff quitting by a team that I have ever seen. The Sixers in that second half almost killed my love of professional playoff basketball. That was bad. Really bad. The stark contrast between Joel Embiid playing hard with a broken body, Maxey being the only player who was willing or able to run, and Harden committing multiple “pick6” turnovers while Tobias Harris’ refusal to get a rebound or do anything helpful was jarring. That was a very long sentence. Did the Sixers score ten points in the third quarter?!
The multiple Harden passes that Bam Adebayo intercepted turned into high-flying dunks right in front of the Sixers bench. Jimmy Butler had a couple pick-6’s too. Jimmy dunked those to join the dunk party. Doc Rivers called a bunch of timeouts. When the game continued, Harden started giving the ball to the Heat again. Watching the Heat defense steal the ball from Harden while he was dribbling reminded me of how younger players treat an old fatty that was once good and still thinks of himself as such. This Sixers team is rotten. They give up soul-crushing offensive rebounds because to get rebounds, you have to try. Tobias Harris does not try. James Harden doesn’t try. Embiid is broken. Maxey is 6’1” and 21 years old. Shake Milton weighs 200 pounds. In addition to being hopeless on the defensive glass, that Sixers lineup gave the ball to the Heat when they actually did get a rebound. It was bad. I’m sure people will talk about it but few people capture how bad it was. It was disgraceful. I guess Hubie Brown called out this moribund Sixers team as “embarrassing”. Thanks Hubie if you really did that. Broadcast professionalism be damned, this Sixers team needs to be shamed. Harden can’t come back. Tobias Harris needs to be either traded or straight up bought out. Both of those players are like Django’s last owner who wanted to sell him and Broomhilda “cheap”. Wait, they’re not like the owner. I’m this analogy, Tobias and Harden are Django and Broomhilda, and the Sixers owners are the slave owner who is sending them to auction. Doc Rivers is the old fighter who can’t give Calvin Candy five good fights, so Doc will be fed to the dogs. Doc needs to coach a retarded franchise like these Jeanie Buss-led Lakers. Jeanie Buss is right there with Vivek Ranadivé in the conversation for the worst owner in the NBA.
As for the Heat, they still aren’t very good. I watched a delightful video of Jimmy Butler in the tunnel after the game saying, “Tobias Harris over me?!?”. He could’ve switched Tobias Harris for Ben Simmons too. God bless Jimmy. I had this Korean friend for most of my life named Anthony Lee. Anthony compared me to Draymond Green and Jimmy Butler. He’s right. I’m one of those assholes. But those assholes are pretty fucking smart. They call out little faggots like Tobias Harris for being gutless, stiff nincompoops. God bless Jimmy Butler for his contributions to this Sixers story.
Random side-note: Anthony had this dumb friend that died named Jimmy Lowder (not sure about that surname). He died because he got drunk and was run over by a train at Chico State. Closed casket funeral I guess. So Jimmy’s friends put on a friendly basketball tournament celebrating their dumbass friend who died. One year I showed up and brought my dad and two sisters so they could watch what was about to happen. This was during “the college years”. A time in my life when I was pretty fucking good at roundball. I proceed to do lots of things and win lots of games. Insensitive stuff. Putting on a show for your family during a friendly basketball tournament designed to “remember” a nice dumbass isn’t really a good way to endear yourself to other people. I still have the “RIP Jimmy” shirt that I got from that day. Jimmy’s mom wanted everyone to get a shirt. She should’ve gotten a trophy for the winning team and the tournament MVP. I would have appreciated some token of acknowledgment for dogging all of Jimmy’s friends that day. Maybe a smiling picture with me holding the trophy and Jimmy’s mom smiling as she hands it to me. Ok, I’m done.
I didn’t watch a lot of the Suns-Mavs game. What I did watch was Frank Ntilikina forcing Chris Paul into dribbling the ball of his foot and out-of-bounds. Chris was bad again. He hoodwinked me into believing that he could do things to win a playoff basketball game. I’m upset with myself for believing in Chris.
Lord Luka Dončić was doing things to rekindle my love of playoff professional basketball. He broke the Suns defense. Lord Luka is too big for everyone and also too quick for the seven-footers. Even with the seven-footers, Lord Luka gets them unbalanced trying to guard him, and when someone loses their leverage, they lose their strength. Lord Luka was dunking through a set Suns half-court defense. When Lord Luka wasn’t dunking he was spraying that ball to the perimeter for open threes. The pass he had to Reggie Bullock in the corner because Lord Luka saw Devin Booker helping, was truly breathtaking. The broadcast replayed it a bunch and it was a sensational pass.
Oh, and DeAndre Ayton dunked all over Lord Luka. Ayton event stepped to him like LeBron did to Jason Terry. I loved seeing that. I didn’t love the replay review that followed and the decision to wipe away the and1 because Ayton caught Lord Luka with an elbow to the head. This shit about protecting players’ heads has gone way too far. That should’ve been an and1, not a flagrant foul on Ayton.
Screw Chris Paul. Screw Monty Williams, he makes the dumbest faces. He needs to keep his mouth closed or keep that N95 on his face. Monty was by far the most “mask-obedient” of the NBA coaches. Maybe he was like that because his wife told him that he looked better with a mask. Screw this whole Suns team, besides Mikal Bridges and Cam Johnson.
2022 NBA ATS record: 35-30 (FUCK)
Celtics (+1.5) over BUCKS -
I’m using this pick to emotionally hedge. I really want the Bucks to win, so if they lose, at least I’ll finally get a pick correct.
WARRIORS ️(-8) over Grizzlies -
I want to take the Grizzlies but are they really going to cover three games in a row?? I want the Warriors to lose. They’ve lost all of their likeability. Is Mike Brown coaching this game? Lol

I’m like Antonio Cromartie’s dick. No vasectomy can stop the undeniable force that is Antonio’s granite cock from impregnating crackhead nigger bitches and there is no amount of semi-public humiliation that will prevent me from picking NBA playoff WINNER$ (55-57% of the time). A brutal four-game losing streak ended yesterday with me going 2-0 with my Celtics and Warriors selections. I watched all of the Celtics game and the important part of the Warriors game, which was the time between the start of the second half and the time where the Warriors offense finally ejaculated like they used to.
There are a lot of sex references so far! Maybe it has to do with the email list tripling in size from what it started with. Maybe I’m having some kind of Freudian performance anxiety about making these daily emails, so I’m subconsciously influenced to make sex references. Is that something that an undergrad Psychology major at Sac State would say? After four years of reading voluminous textbooks and being around other rich liberals, you learn how to “scientifically” articulate why people think about sex a lot. Ok, what happened in that Bucks game?
Last year I called them the “Fucks”. I called them this because I picked against them a lot and as I’m sure we’re all aware, they won the goddamn chip. But they also played like retarded macaques. Jrue Holiday always came to the party with the limpest dick. Middleton was usually missing shots and he was ugly last year too. I hate seeing what he wears on the bench now that he’s injured and able to dress in his preferred street clothes.
This year, the Fucks haven’t really shown up… except yesterday. At the beginning of that game, Giannis scored the first six Bucks points from the free throw line. I saw that and thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, are the Bucks really just going to do nothing but hope Giannis single-handedly drags their asses to victory?!” The answer to that was “Yes!” Except Pat Connaughton. That dude came ready to party. He was driving to the rim in this game and making layups! That’s quite rare for Patty. He made some big threes to keep the Fucks in the game. He was the Fucks’ second-best player which is not optimal. The Fucks other white guy was awful. Grayson Allen missed all his threes. He had great looks in the beginning of the game but he let Giannis down. Shame on Grayson. He did have that beautiful up-and-under at the end of the game but he needs to make some fucking threes for this hobbled Fucks team to beat this boat of a Celtics squad.
After the last game Bobby Portis said some shit about how his mom taught him to be a good boy and get some fucking rebounds. That’s cool, but did his dad teach him how to shoot the ball and make layups? Oh wait, Bobby is Black and grew up in Arkansas! His dad abandoned his poor Black ass! Listen, I’m a big fan of Bobby Portis and I usually enjoy what he does on a basketball court but in this game, he smoked an easy layup that someone got him (I want to say it was Connaughton but I’m not sure) and he had one of the worst air-ball threes I can remember. It happened with approximately five minutes and thirty seconds left in the fourth quarter with maybe eighteen seconds left in the shot clock. I was so flabbergasted by how much that shot missed the rim by, that I made a note of when it happened! All throughout this series, Bobby has been pump-faking threes and shooting shots closer to the rim. His three-point shot has abandoned him. In game 5, he got lucky that Marcus Smart took out Jaylen Brown on the free throw rebound so that Bobby had an easy putback. Bobby Portis has been letting Giannis down in this series. Bobby needs to call his mom and figure this shot out because if he can’t contribute, I have a hard time seeing the Fucks win.
Brook López was OK I guess. I think he dunked a couple times and successfully posted up Derrick White once. Brook isn’t making threes.
Jrue Holiday? Yeah, he was a limp dick in this game. Jrue was so disappointing. Didn’t do anything on offense and he couldn’t do anything with Jayson Tatum (!!!). Miss me with the Jrue Holiday praise. In the playoffs, you need to put the ball in the basket. If you’re Tony Allen, you can’t play, and in this game Jrue was Tony Allen but not even with the defense aspect. Just a pathetic performance from Jrue that hurt my feelings as someone who worships Giannis Antetokounmpo. I’m appreciative of the fact that Jrue chose a white professional soccer player to have superhuman mixed babies with but if the Bucks lose this series, I’m going to have to think about Jrue in a very negative light for the rest of time. He represented LA Hoopers very poorly yesterday and I have a tough time forgiving that.
Is there anyone else on this shitty Bucks team? George Hill tried a layup with about nine minutes left in the fourth quarter. Do you know how that turned out?? With AL HORFORD putting his fat Dominican cock in George Hill’s eye after blocking his shot so violently that George fell to the ground and flailed like a freshly caught mackerel. George Hill needs to retire and go be an advocate for poor Blacks. He needs to go on Women’s marches with my woke Grandma and complain about “the system”. George Hill is a good-looking guy, but all the juice in his body is gone. It’s time for him to step aside and retire.
I haven’t mentioned Giannis. He was an undeniable force of excellence in that game. That dunk on Peyton Pritchard was ruthless. The size of Grant Williams’ asshole has tripled from the dickings that Giannis has given him every time they play. I love Grant Williams but he complains way too much to refs. Giannis is getting by him most of the time and when Grant hip-checks him, it’s a foul. Sorry Grant, but you have to accept that no one in the world can guard the guy you’re guarding right now. Giannis’ nickname needs to be “The Anomaly”. He’s just ridiculous. Watching him play looks like there are nine humans and one genetically modified organism that scientists made in a lab. These finishes around the rim that he does are just laughable. It’s ridiculous how good he is. It’s a shame that he’s saddled with Jrue Fucking Holiday. Giannis deserves better than Bug-Eyed Jrue, Homeless Khris Middleton and Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer. Giannis deserves someone like my son (Bogdan Bogdanovic). Giannis needs white Americans and Eastern Europeans who can make shots. Not this field nigger Jrue Holiday who wastes 40 point, 20 rebound games from Giannis. The Fucks are back.
The Celtics though? That team is loaded. Marcus Smart started the game out making threes. When Marcus Smart makes threes, this team has too much talent to be beaten. The Celtics were up by fifteen for most of this game. It was lowkey a rout and Taylor Hart Niche Team member Robert Williams III wasn’t even playing. AL HORFORD had four blocks, including the murder of George Hill. Jaylen Brown had some of his typical ridiculous turnovers where he dribbles off his foot and throws passes to no one, but Jaylen made shots.
Derrick White has been completely rejuvenated. He was a Zero on offense in the beginning of this series and now he making layups, making some threes, and just being a competent offensive player. Ime Udoka talked to Derrick White and brainwashed him into believing that he was a handsome man who could make shots and not someone that looks like a big-eyed alien . Do you think Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer could bring a player into a room and Vulcan Mind Meld them into being good at shot-making? Alcoholic Mike sure isn’t doing that with Jrue Holiday!
Last thing on the Celtics. With about 1:30 left in the third quarter Tatum, Theis, White, Williams and Smart had a classic Spurs possession that ended with an easy Theis shot. They must have had ten passes in one possession and after that, the Celtics offensive machine was initiated.
Oh my God, I forgot about Jayson Fucking Tatum! He was ridiculous. Bobby Portis was guarding him on the perimeter and I guess Bobby’s mom forgot to teach him that when he guards Jayson Fucking Tatum, he needs to not let Jayson get off a three when he’s EN FUEGO. Jayson made two threes in Bobby’s face in the fourth quarter that killed the Bucks’ hopes. Earlier in the game, Brook López found himself guarding Jayson Tatum on an island and that turned out poorly for Brook. Jayson jab-stepped, Brook stepped back about a foot, and Jayson rose up for a corner three that he swooshed.
The Tatum and1 dunk on Connaughton where he rolled his shoulders afterwards would have blown up the building if that game was in Boston. I loved that shoulder roll that he did. I texted a friend (yes, someone on this email chain) that Tatum was the fifth-best player in the NBA before this game happened. He said that “based on the playoffs, you could make a reasonable case that your list is accurate”. Actually, just based off of me saying it, it is accurate. I KNOW BALL. When I see Jayson Tatum do what he did on offense AND defense during that Nets series, and I pronounce him top 5, HE IS TOP 5. Hold my dick.
Ok, about that Warriors-Grizzlies game. This Warriors team isn’t great. Lmao that Mike Brown is going to be the Queens coach. It felt like the Warriors turned the ball over five times in a row at one point in the third quarter. Reckless shit. Unprofessional basketball. This Draymond Green that I’m watching is a problem for the Warriors. His passing is selfish. He’s obviously hunting assists and not keeping the defense honest. You can’t make The Finals with a player like this Draymond Green who is unwilling and unable to make layups, let alone threes.
Steph is still giving me blue balls waiting for him to go supernova in the playoffs. I’ve been waiting since those Cavs series in 2015 for Steph to light the building on fire in the playoffs. He did it in that one Toronto game where Klay and Durant were injured. Steph took 27 shots to make 29 points and had some disgusting turnovers in this game. This Warriors team just throws away the ball too much. It’s not great to watch. They’re not fun to watch anymore. Don’t let anyone tell you that this turnover problem will be fixed by them caring more as the playoffs go on. I can’t wait to pick against them in the conference finals. Screw this Warriors team.
As for the Grizzlies, whatever. They’re the Grizzlies. They play in Memphis. My hot take that Tyus Jones is better than Jalen Brunson is NOT looking good right now. Maybe I can still hold that opinion if Brunson comes into Phoenix tomorrow and plays awful. We’ll see.
The Grizzlies need to trade Dillon Brooks while that hot shooting game is fresh in everyone’s mind. Sell high on him because this Grizzlies team is going to be Ja, Bane, JJJ as building blocks with Zaire Williams, Kyle Anderson, Brandon Clarke, and maybe Melton as the supporting cast. I don’t think the Grizzlies can afford Tyus Jones. I’m having a tough time thinking of Dillon Brooks fake trades. Maybe for President Brogdon or Keldon Johnson. Idk, preferably someone that plays defense and doesn’t shoot too much. Bojan Bogdanovic! Although his defense is suspect. The Jazz need a motherfucker like Dillon Brooks too.
Sunday picks time!
2022 NBA ATS record: 37-30
Bucks (+5) over CELTICS -
I think this is going to be a close game somehow. I also have Giannis on my side if I pick the Bucks.
SUNS (-6) over Mavs -
I want to say this will be a close game too but I can’t shake how the home team has won in a blowout every game of this series.

No games yesterday. Minor line movement in my (our?!?) favor for the Suns-Mavs game. I don’t appreciate Stephen A Smith saying that the Suns will blow out the Mavs (I saw that headline on the ESPN app). Kinda like how I don’t appreciate it when people at the country club sit next to me while I’m watching these playoff games and ask me who I’m rooting for. The protocol for watching these playoff games is silence. Definitely no dumbass questions like who I’m rooting for. Questions about what the spread is, are acceptable. Screaming and/or clapping after an amazing play is also acceptable behavior. Asking for the sound to be turned on will be met with my sternest glare and a resolute, succinct “No”. For some reason, no one watches the entirety of these games at the club even though plush leather chairs are plentiful. Also, you can do pull-ups during halftime and if there’s any Bomb Rockets, you can walk up to them and ask them if they’re single during commercial breaks. I did that once with this black chick. She wasn’t single but she smiled at me like it was some kind of consecrated experience to be “hit on” by a White like me. She probably knew I was a little black. Nigger bitches can usually pick up on my Thomas Jefferson Grandkid vibes. I saw her at a grocery store on Mothers Day with an older white woman, so I guess she’s mixed! She’s not obviously half-black but she’s definitely not one of those charcoal field hands. Anyways, what I really wanted to touch on this morning was something I forgot to mention yesterday. Sitting courtside at the Milwaukee game on Friday was Milwaukee’s version of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez. Basically, they were fatter, less viscerally attractive versions of Uncle Jeff and Tony Gonzalez’s baby mama. Milwaukee has the ugliest fans. I know that’s not surprising.
Hottest fans of the round 2 teams in order from least to most hot:
Milwaukee
Memphis
Philadelphia
Boston
Dallas
San Francisco
Phoenix
Miami
Since there aren’t any games for me to dissect, I’m going to use this time to share some fake trades for teams that have lost in the playoffs so far. Quick disclaimer for the uninitiated: I am the best fake-trade person in the world. I'm not going to be using the trade machine to check if these are possible but I will try to keep the salaries roughly equivalent.
Also, how much of an NBA general manager’s job is scheduling abortions for the IG models that their players knock up?
Grizzlies: Dillon Brooks for Bojan Bogdanovic
Brooks, Tyus Jones (sign and trade), and Steven Adams for Bradley Beal
Brooks for President Brogdon
Brooks, Tyus Jones (sign and trade), Konchar and Melton for Michael Porter Jr OR Jamal Murray
Sixers: Tobias Harris and James Harden (after he opts into the player option) for LeBron James and Anthony Davis (!!!!!!)
Tobias Harris for De’Aaron Fox
Tobias Harris for Christian Wood
Tobias Harris for Julius Randle
Tobias Harris for Zach Collins, Lonnie Walker IV and some other Spurs player who isn’t Dejounte or Keldon
Tobias Harris for lONzO bALl
Tobias Harris and Matisse Thybulle for Klay
Jazz: Mitchell and O’Neale for John Collins and my son Bogdan Bogdanovic
Mitchell for Randle and two future unprotected firsts
Mitchell for Pascal Siakam
Mitchell for Dillon Brooks, Melton, Tyus Jones (sign and trade) and a first
Gobert for Klay Thompson and James Wiseman
Wolves: DLo for Tobias Harris (lol)
DLo for some random Spurs dogshit
DLo for Harrison Barnes (he plays for the Queens right now)
DLo for Damian Lillard (after he covertly demands to be traded and refuses to publicly admit he did)
DLo for any combination of Bullets players who aren’t Beal or Porzingis
DLo for Kevin Love (Wolves reunion!!!)
Hawks: John Collins and Clint Capela for Harrison Barnes and Domantas Sabonis
Clint Capela and Huerter for Tobias Harris
Capela and Huerter for Julius Randle
John Collins, Okongwu, DeAndre Hunter and Huerter for Zion Williamson and Valanciunas
Huerter and Capela for President Brogdon
Trae Young and Kevin Huerter for LeBron James (I love this one)
Pelicans: Zion and Valanciunas for Embiid
Zion and Valanciunas for Jamal Murray
Zion, Graham and Jaxson Hayes for Klay
Zion and Valanciunas for LeBron
Zion and Graham for JJJ
Zion and Valanciunas for Paul George
McCollum and Jaxson Hayes for De’Aaron Fox
Alright, I’m fucking done with this.
2022 NBA ATS record: 37-30

It's alright, it's okay
I'm gonna make it anyway
Gonna make it, can't give up now
I'ma make it somehow
When it comes crunch time
Where did my punch lines go?
Who must I show?
To bust my flow
Where must I go?
Who must I know?
Or am I just another crab in the bucket
When it was crunch time, Grayson Allen went straight into helpless ineptitude. He’s definitely just another crab in the bucket. Man, as someone who thought Grayson could play, he let me down in a way I don’t think I will ever get over during this Celtics series. I don’t want to be dramatic and say that he will never find himself in my hood graces again, but I have a tough time seeing that. His threes were hopeless. They were the kind of misses that weren’t close. When he went to the free throw line and front-rimmed BOTH free throws, I knew it was over. It was a crisis of confidence that Grayson wasn’t able to overcome. Jaylen Brown ate his soul in that one game like a dementor and Grayson never recovered. Grayson let Giannis down. He let me down. He let White America down. As a fellow White, it really pisses me off when an NBA player who is in my general skin tone plays like a scared little bitch. I hope Alex Caruso breaks Grayson Allen’s leg next season. Just a bone break. Snapping a tendon seems like it’s a little excessive but if Joel Embiid falls on Grayson’s knee and tears every ligament in that thang like JoJo did to Danny “Fairy Princess” Green, I wouldn’t be mad. Just a horrific shooting performance from Grayson this whole series and he was hunted on defense. That’s a bad combination. Fucks can’t let Grayson come back next season. I understand that sometimes players grow from their playoff failures but I think the Fucks should let Grayson “grow” somewhere else.
The whole Fucks team had a pathetic shooting performance. Ten percent from three on thirty attempts. That’s insurmountable. But you know what? This whole Fucks team has been atrocious from three for the whole series! They shoot like a college team!
At the beginning of the game, Giannis was setting up his teammates for easy shots that even they could make. It gave me hope that Giannis could save his energy and carry the Fucks to a cover. Nope! Giannis had an off game for him. His stats were still ridiculous but he missed lots of close shots that he has made all series. Did Jrue Holiday pick up the slack? Lol, no. Jrue Holiday did no such thing. His FG% wasn’t as terrible as it usually is but he was 0-6 from three and those were wide-open, backbreaking misses that no one in the world thought Jrue would make. Jrue played with force on some possessions and made some layups to keep the deficit at twenty points and not thirty. I know Khris Middleton missed the playoffs and teams aren’t supposed to contend when their second-best player misses the postseason. Reasonable people would pardon the Fucks for what happened. They would credit them for going to seven games against this boat of a Celtics team. Am I reasonable? No. I want someone to cut out both of Jrue Holiday’s bulging eyes with a spoon, slice off his brick hands with a machete and feed him to sharks while he’s still alive. He really shit the bed when he had a responsibility to the best player in the world to be AVERAGE on offense. Make at least one three when you take six in a game 7! Hell, make two! Everyone that writes about basketball for a living can give Jrue a handjob for his admittedly excellent defense but I’m just over the Jrue Holiday experience. His offense is disgusting. Sam Hinkie was right to trade his brick ass out of Philadelphia.
Brook López started this game off great. He made shots and even made a three. Later in the game he blocked an over-ambitious Derrick “Alien Eyes” White on a rim attack. Whatever. The Fucks got routed in this game.
Bobby Portis made a three! He missed another easy layup and broke his rec specs because he got in foul trouble in the first half. One of the refs in this game is named Kane Fitzgerald. He was the guy who talked into the broadcast when officiating rulings were reviewed. He makes me angry. He is not a ref that I respect. I’m sure he memorized the rule book but if I was a player in a game he reffed, he would make me want to start a Ron Artest melee.
The moral of the story with this Fucks game was that Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer wasn’t going to change his defensive approach. The Fucks we’re going to let this Celtics team shoot wide-open threes which is a problem because the Celtics are a great professional basketball team and great professional basketball teams make threes roughly 37% of the time. That’s a big fucking problem when Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer’s team STRUGGLES to hit 20% of their threes! I know the Fucks won the championship last year but their dumb-fuck owner needs to realize that winning the toughest games in the playoffs is much more difficult when you have Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer refusing to change up a defensive strategy that was good for beating the Queens in February. But nope, can’t fire Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer. He won a championship so we have to waste at least another two years of Giannis’ prime. I bet Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer is a really nice guy. It would be inconvenient to bring him into your office and tell him that he’s a fucking retard and that you need to hire that Mavs assistant who Jason Kidd is always talking to. The coach that doesn’t look like a hopeless dumbass when things go against him. I can’t have any more Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer in my life. Sorry, not sorry.
Anything else on this Fucks team before I talk about the Celtics? Not really. They played a Portis, Giannis, López, Connaughton, Holiday lineup that was defensively inept in the deciding moments of the fourth quarter. They did that because Grayson Allen was absolutely unplayable. It was sad to watch that lineup struggle to get within ten feet of open three-point shooters. You can’t defend the three-point line with López and Portis in the game together. Oh well, screw this Fucks team. Alcoholic Mike Budenholzer needs to go in the hot box and fed to the dogs after he expires.
Robert Kraft and Wyc Grousbeck were sitting together courtside. I think I caught some of their conversation. I’m an amateur lip-reader.
“Some mighty fine specimens you got this year Wyc.”
“Yes, Bob. We have quite a team this year. They started off bad and I was thinking of auctioning of Jaylen. His dark-skin tendencies were mucking up the offense. His dumbass passes really pissed me off.”
“Jaylen?!? He’s playing amazing! What happened!?”
“Brad went over to Jaylen and told him that if he couldn’t figure this shit out, we would trade him to Sacramento for De’Aaron Fox and their unprotected first-round pick this year.”
“Tough love, I like it Wyc. These NBA players are entitled pussies. They need a coach like your Ime Udoka and a silent assassin like Brad to keep order. By the way, you know I love white role players on sports teams. Bill always makes me happy by involving a slow white guy in our passing game. It really tickles my dick that you have that Payton Pritchard fellow.”
“Payton?!? He’s great. I always like to have one white player on the team to appease Boston but he’s actually really good! Hey Bob, I’ve always wanted to ask you this but which massage therapists are your favorites?”
“Asians, no doubt. They have the softest hands and they don’t try to talk to you. Asian women understand that a man likes a quiet woman.”
Anyways, Paul Pierce sat next to them. Shout out to Paul for getting fired by ESPN and not giving a fuck about it. The Celtics were missing open threes in the first half and I was hopeful that they would miss threes the whole game. They didn’t. In the second half the building caught on fire because Payton Pritchard and Grant Williams turned the fuck up. I loved watching Robert Williams III go ballistic on the bench whenever Pritchard made a three. Pritchard is really fucking good and he supplanted Grand Theft Alvarado on the Taylor Hart Niche Team. THNT is now Robert Williams III, my son Bogdan Bogdanovic, Pritchard, Herb Jones and Evan Mobley.
Payton Pritchard’s nickname is “P Rabbit”. I’m wearing black shoes and black socks today to honor what he did against the Fucks yesterday. He was crossing guys up, swishing step-back threes and screaming about what a fucking killer he is after he made. Sign me up for the P Rabbit jet plane. That dude is a killer. Shout out to Danny Ainge for drafting that dude. There’s zero doubt in my mind that in his playing days, Danny Ainge would score on Blacks and call them niggers after he made shots in their face, but Danny Ainge is an undeniable general manager. He drafted Robert Williams III when everyone else was too scared of his tattoos, skin tone and how hood he looks. Ainge did the Jayson Tatum maneuver. He drafted Jaylen when that was unpopular. He drafted P Rabbit and Grant Williams in the twenties. Shout out to Danny Ainge. That dude knows ball and I can’t wait to see how he detonated that Jazz team.
Speaking of Grant Williams, that Pygmy Hippo finally took his dick out and said to Giannis, “It’s your turn motherfucker.” After getting his asshole diameter tripled by the butt-Fucking that Giannis was giving him, Grant turned the tables in game 7. It makes sense. Giannis was exhausted from having to drag this carcass of a Fucks team to a game 7. Giannis must have been beyond exhausted and really, no human being in the history of Earth wouldn’t have been.
I’m not sure what else can be said about this Celtics team. Jaylen Brown missed a lot of free throws but he made threes and had a solid FG%. AL HORFORD didn’t have a game that made me scream but he had six assists and a lot of rebounds. Good for AL. He finally escaped the prison that LeBron locked him in.
I can’t wait to pick this Celtics team against the Heat on Tuesday.
Now for the other game 7. I needed a break from watching basketball after that demoralizing Bucks loss, so instead of watching the first quarter of the Mavs game, I was doing pull-ups outside in Manhattan Beach while blasting “8 Mile” and “Down With The Sickness”. Impolite behavior in the affluent community of Manhattan Beach. Oh well.
When I finally got to watch the Suns game, Lord Luka Dončić was doing ridiculous things to Mikal Bridges and the Suns defense. The pirouette spin step-back three that Lord Luka made was dumb lit. Really the whole Lord Luka experience makes me so happy. You have no idea how much I want him to be American. That would make me so happy. Chris Paul said he isn’t retiring but Lord Luka retired Chris. Lord Luka took Old Yeller out behind the woodshed, shot him in the head, and buried his old ass without a single tear. Chris Paul stays Chris Paul. Breaking down in the playoffs. Chris Paul’s career highlight was winning a game because Jordan Bell entered the game with an untucked shirt in Minnesota. Screw Chris Paul. Point Fraud.
Devin Booker said he was locked in for game 7. Guess not. He wasn’t shit before Chris Paul showed up and now that Chris Paul is “retired”, Devin is going to lead this Suns team to 45 wins and a resounding first-round defeat. That’s even if they make the playoffs.
DeAndre Ayton is going to walk into James Jones’ office and demand the max. It’s not quite as laughable as James Harden asking for the supermax. Even James begrudgingly admitted that he wasn’t going to even ask for that contract. But DeAndre is going to be disappointed to learn that the Suns are smart and they aren’t going to pay max money to him after he pulled this shit in the Bestern Conference Semifinals. They aren’t going to lock themselves into having the right to watch Lord Luka tear off DeAndre’s dick and eat it raw in the playoffs. Sorry DeAndre, go have fun in San Antonio.
I was 0-2 yesterday and if you couldn’t tell, it’s made me pretty upset.
2022 NBA ATS record: 37-32 (FUCK)
Celtics (+1.5) over HEAT -
I think the Heat are fraudulent and I’ve been waiting patiently to pick against them once they played a real team.
Mavs (+5) over WARRIORS ️-
This Draymond Green act is bad. The Warriors’ turnover addiction isn’t acceptable. The Mavs have a history of owning the Warriors with Lord Luka Dončić. I’m going to laugh watching Steph Curry have another bricky playoff game and watching Klay take dribble step-back twos with 18 seconds on the shot clock.
I got every ingredient all I need is the courage
Like I already got the beat all I need is the words
Got the urge
Suddenly it's a surge
Suddenly a new burst of energy has occurred
Time to show these free world leaders the three and a third
I am no longer scared now, I'm free as a bird

“No one knows your cards except for you. All they see is how you present yourself. The only information that’s available is how you play.”- Maria Konnikova
Listen everyone, I love to loudly say that I am an elite picker of WINNER$ when it comes to NBA playoff basketball. I really believe that but I’m a guy. My self-beliefs are immutably distorted by the destructive hormone scientists call testosterone. The testosterone coursing through my body makes me wildly dangerous. Both to listen to, and to be around. Gambling is for losers. People are better off never doing it. Personally, I only gamble when myBookie gives me free plays (shout out to UNC over St Peters and that Chuma Okeke Auburn team covering against Kyle Guy and UVa). The world would be a better place without gambling and I would enjoy watching these playoff games if I didn’t hold myself accountable to picks against the spread that I make. Picking these games is destroying my enjoyment of the product. Unbridled rage overwhelms my brain when Jaylen Brown gets pick-pocketed by Max Strus and when Jayson Tatum confuses Jimmy Butler for a teammate. Weaker men than I would quit doing these emails. My deceased Nazi Grandmother made me strong so quitting is rarely an option. Especially when it involves things like watching basketball and writing about how I want to put the guys who let me down in the hot box and have the losing coach be fed to ravenous wild dogs.
I’ll start at the beginning. Action Network pointed out that teams coming off a game 7 are <40% ATS in the following game 1. That made me queasy since I chose the Celtics. Then I learned that Marcus Smart was out with a foot sprain and that AL HORFORD was placed in protocols. The AL HORFORD one really soured my mood. Marcus Smart might be the most overrated player in the NBA but no AL HORFORD means that Daniel Theis is going to play more. That’s a problem. I thought that taking tests was optional at this point in the postseason. I thought that everyone was on the same page that having the CoCo wasn’t a legitimate excuse not to play anymore. Guess not. I mean, Zach LaVine sat out some games before deciding to get surgery and demand a max contract from the Bulls. I read in the Athletic how DeMar DeRozan contacted Zachary and just made sure that Zachary was doing OK. Because Zachary “has a family” and that DeMar just wanted to make sure that Zachary was doing OK “from a health standpoint”. Fucking Compton Hood Rats. Some of them might escape Compton but the Compton retardation never escapes them. DeMar probably has some hood rats cousins that almost died from the CoCo and that inspires DeMar to act like contracting the virus is like catching Ebola. This is the same guy that was heartbroken that the Raptors traded his bitch-ass to San Antonio for Kawhi Fucking Leonard. I’m not a fan of Compton Rats. Their patron-saint Kendrick Lamar goes to my country club and he sticks out because he’s 5’5” and black. Not the kind of bourgeois black that I see when I usually go to the club at 5:45 AM either. Kendrick is the kind of black that looks dirty. Like they are one overinflated electric bill from being homeless. I’m not a fan of Kendrick’s music. I like beats and sounds. Not clever lyrics that I have to look up to comprehend. Anyways, I need to get to that depressing game that I watched yesterday.
Mom is visiting but unlike Mr. Hart, I can watch a basketball game with her. We walked to a bar and I told her about how two Celtics starters were out and how my awful mood was because I knew that I was walking into a trap hoping that the Celtics would in.
She asked me if I have money in the game and I told her, “No, I just make picks and keep track of them.” The intensity and focus that I watch these games with, makes people think that I have money on them. So when the Celtics come out in that first half and seem well on their way to winning straight up but come out of halftime like a bunch of Division II Whites, that intensity turns into Bobby Portis psycho energy. I had to leave before that third quarter ended. The pick6 turnovers that were happening made me tempted to throw glass cups to the ground and hear that satisfying sound of glass breaking.
In that first half I was so happy. Taylor Hart Niche Team member Robert Williams III was straight up dominating the game. He was blocking threes and it felt like every shot that he contested was a Miami miss. Robert Williams III was finishing ally-oops and making free throws. He even had a nice pass to the corner but the guy missed a wide-open three. In my hypothetical team that I own, I would have my guy Robert and say to the other rich asshole owners, “look, I have that guy! You can’t say I’m racist if I have a hood nigger like Robert Williams III on my team.” I’d be just like Danny Ainge. Except, without the whole smoking gun of Mormonism. Robert Williams III was incredible in this first half and I was so happy to see him play like that. He made lots of free throws and I thought to myself how ridiculous it was that Robert Williams III was making free throws and Jaylen Brown was Ben Simmons at the line. Unfortunately, later in the game, things unraveled for Robert. Gabe Fucking Vincent stole the ball from Robert twice when Robert was right next to the basket ready to dunk. That made me livid. More on Gabe Vincent later.
The first half, I saw the Miami team that I believed it to be. Inept offense relying on Tyler Herro and translation offense. Bam Adebayo was scared of shooting and Jimmy Butler was getting his shot blocked by Jayson Tatum. Max Strus was playing like someone named Max Strus. Getting his shot blocked and having the ball stolen from him. Oladipo was shooting midrange twos because he’s petrified of attacking the rim in his broken state. Caleb Martin had a dunk attempt viscously rejected by Aaron Nesmith in a way that made me say “wow”. Nesmith had another block in the second half. He’s a keeper, and another good draft pick by that racist Danny Ainge. Lowkey, Danny Ainge is better than Maasai Ujiri. Maybe Sam Presti as well. If Jeanie Buss wasn’t a corrupted bluetard bitch, she would have the sense to fire everyone in the Lakers organization and hand the keys over to Danny Ainge. Oh well, I guess Linda and Kurt Rambis get that privilege. Goddamnit.
Ok, sorry. I’m having trouble rehashing game 1. Thinking back on it is giving me PTSD. Jayson Tatum was making threes and blowing kisses to the white-hot Miami crowd. I was wondering if I could rely on Jayson Tatum being a superstar for every minute of every game like I could rely on Giannis to be that. Turns out, no, you can’t rely on Jayson Tatum to be singularly amazing for a whole game. Let alone a whole series. Tatum was blocking Butler’s shot on one end and making threes and and1’s on the other end. Then after halftime, Jayson couldn’t complete a pass to his teammates. Instead, Jayson was throwing the ball to Jimmy Butler and Max Strus so that they would get fast-break dunks. This happened repeatedly in the third quarter. The quarter that made me turn to my mom and say, “Let’s leave. I can’t watch this.” The Celtics scored TWO POINTS in the first six minutes of the third quarter! That’s unbelievable! It really made me livid.
Back to the first half for a minute, P Rabbit and Tyler Herro had a delightful little battle of shot-making. It made me happy to see P Rabbit making shots again, and still wearing black socks and black shoes. P Rabbit is a soldier. Unlike Jaylen Brown.
Jaylen Brown is giving me major Danny Green vibes. Every time he dribbles he makes me think he’s going to lose it and every pass that he tries is an adventure. I know that he went to Cal and that he is one of those Blacks who is great at school but his hip fluidity is a problem. He’s incredibly stiff. Jaylen needs to stop being so full of himself and join Antonio Brown and me for a Pilates class. Stiff hips are a fixable problem. As for his mental rigidity, that may not be fixable. Jaylen needs a mental coach or a life coach that gets him to “feel” the game. Jaylen plays like someone who needs to over-explain everything. Someone who can’t just quietly figure it out on their own. His free throws are in a precarious place too. I have zero trust in him at the free throw line. He acts like it’s something that he will get over but I think Jaylen is having a mental breakdown. He mucks up the offense with his obvious passes that don’t advance the team towards cogent offensive basketball. Now I understand why the Celtics were underachieving in the beginning of the year. I don’t watch regular season so this is my first time experiencing Jaylen Brown’s retard offensive game. Jaylen has a hard time making moves in less than half a second. He likes to hold the ball and “think” about things. As if the move he’s about to make is a fucking literature essay that he’s about to write in Sociology about why Blacks are so disadvantaged in America. I have a big fucking problem with how Jaylen Brown performed yesterday. He made me mad.
Really, the whole Celtics team in the third quarter made me incontrovertibly disgusted. They couldn’t complete passes without giving it to the Heat for a fast break layup. Jaylen Brown was trying to iso against Bam Fucking Adebayo. The guy you LEAST want to attack on this Heat team. How did that end for Jaylen? He got a soft layup attempt pinned between the rim and the backboard by that Yoruba Jubicabra. If I was Ime Udoka in that second half, I would have broken three clipboards. Watching the Celtics in that third quarter was like watching the 76ers in game 6. They just ruined my mood and made me hate watching professional basketball.
Ok, I’ll talk about the Heat now. First, big shout out to Gabe “Little Gnome” Vincent. He was stripping Robert Williams III on defense and wetting on Jayson Tatum on offense. The three he had on Jayson looked perfectly in balance. You could tell that he used his legs to swish that thirty-footer. Little Gnome has a quicker release than P Rabbit and it feels like Little Gnome has an easier time just getting the ball to the basket than P Rabbit.
Jimmy Butler shot a lot of free throws. He doesn’t cheat the game like Little Game James Harden though. Jimmy’s free throws are legitimate. Oh, and he plays defense like a super predator which is likable. I like me some Jimmy Butler. His arms don’t look as big as they did in the regular season. Maybe as the season goes on, Jimmy loses muscle mass.
Max Strus had a steal and a two-handed dunk in the second half. He screamed afterwards which was cool. Really, this whole Heat team made the Celtics look like twelve-year-olds in that third quarter. If the Celtics can just dribble and complete passes without turning the ball over, the Celtics will easily win because the Heat can’t score in the half-court. In the half court, the Heats offense is (a) Tyler Herro shot creation, (b) Jimmy Butler free throws, or (c) Gabe Vincent and Max Strus twenty-five footers.
I’m fucking done. I need Lord Luka Dončić to rekindle my enjoyment of professional basketball tonight. Highkey, these playoffs suck. Games are usually blowouts and all these teams make me angry. The Warriors turn it over in a flagrant way. The Heat suck. The Celtics can’t dribble or pass. Jaylen Brown is a Tin Man that moves like a seventy-year-old. Honestly, Jaylen Brown really pissed me off yesterday. He should play football. The Mavs are nice. Lord Luka complains too much and I’m suspicious of their supporting cast talent but I guess they’re the most likable team left.
2022 NBA ATS record: 37-33 (Motherfucking Jesus Christ)

Unfortunately, I barely watched that evisceration yesterday so I’m not going to regale all of you with my playoff basketball musings that you can’t find anywhere else on the interwebs. My scattered thoughts on what happened yesterday are (1) Steph Curry was playing like it was the regular season. (2) Those Warriors jerseys should be called “Steeler Edition”. Those jerseys are gross. (3) TNT is letting Stan Van Grundy crowd their broadcast booth?! He needs to be sent back to Twitter. I’m with Dwight Howard in the anti-StanVan camp. (4) I’m dying a slow death with ATS picks. I don’t stay disciplined and stick to picking “spots”. I don’t have a set of rules that I’ve written down and consistently follow. I’m being an undisciplined picker.
2022 NBA ATS record: 37-34 (fuck me)
Celtics (+3.5) over HEAT -
I’m going down with the ship. The Titanic of people who think that this Heat team kinda sucks. If the Celtics lose this game, they need to trade Jaylen Brown. Btw, I thought of a fake trade yesterday. DeAndre Ayton for Ben Simmons.

That was an enjoyable basketball game yesterday! For some reason, a Celtics blowout is watchable whereas a Heat blowout makes me stop watching and deeply angry at the world. I think it’s because in order for the Heat to blow another team out, it requires the other team making turnovers that lead to fast break points. The kind of “pick6” passes and cookie steals that belong in amateur basketball, not the heat of the playoffs. When the Celtics are rolling, they play The Beautiful Game. I’m a horribly picky watcher of professional basketball. Just like how it’s not enough for the Brazilians to watch their national soccer team merely win World Cups. Brazilians demand that the game be played a certain way, just like I demand that basketball be played a certain way. These Celtics play the game that I like to watch. Specifically their Williams, Williams, Tatum, P Rabbit, and Smart lineup. Those guys all pass the ball and know how to play team basketball as a unit. Did you notice one person who wasn’t included in that fivesome that I liked? Jaylen Brown and his old man hips! Jaylen made shots yesterday and he didn’t have the turnovers that accompany his awful passes and awkward dribbling ricochets, but Jaylen is not someone I enjoy.
Shout out to AL HORFORD for courageously overcoming the deadly coronavirus and getting back on the court after missing only one game. I appreciate it. Al gets switched onto the Heat perimeter players and he doesn’t get roasted like Daniel Theis does. That’s very important. What’s also important is that it feels like the Celtics rebound better with Horford. The fivesome that I like has a defensive rebounding problem because Taylor Hart Niche Team member Robert Williams III gets outmuscled on the glass and the Pygmy Hippo is 6’6”. Daniel Theis also gets outmuscled. Horford is necessary to prevent the Celtics from bleeding offensive rebounds. Horford is also nice because he passes the ball without throwing it straight to Jimmy Butler. Oh, and Big Al blocks shots and makes threes. The unicorn combo. Al Horford is very good and way too important to be missing games.
Marcus Smart came back with AL HORFORD and Marcus played one of the best games I’ve ever seen from him. He was getting steals like a rightful DPOY and not the fraudulent DPOY that I believe him to be. Marcus was also making lots of threes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when Marcus Smart makes threes, this Celtics team is a boat . They won’t lose when he does that. Smart was screaming after he made them too, which I enjoy. After he made enough of them, he just got used to it and kept a stoic face. Marcus was in the zone and as someone that picked the Celtics, I appreciated it. The whole Celtics team was just making their threes. Sorry Miami. The Celtics put on a shot-making clinic that was making me say “wow” for three quarters. The Celtics almost got to 100 before the third quarter ended. They absolutely tore apart this small Miami defense.
Erik Spoelstra looked concerned in the second quarter and he was right to be. This is the first time his team is playing a legitimate playoff team and the Heat we’re getting non-lubricated anal. Things got so bad for the Heat that Spo played Duncan Robinson, who proceeded to miss three threes in less than a minute of game time. After the third miss, the camera showed Spoelstra with a face that made me think he was like a beleaguered dog owner who was reticent to take his old dog out into the woods and shoot it. Spo is going to trade Duncan in the off-season. Duncan’s confidence is shot.
Anyways, Jaylen Brown made some audacious threes in the first quarter that set the tone for the Celtics shot-making. I’m happy that Jaylen did that but my celebrity doppelgänger Brad Stevens needs to trade Jaylen after the Celtics win the championship. Sell high like Danny Ainge did with Isaiah Thomas.
Jayson Tatum saw Jaylen making threes over whoever tried to guard him, and decided to shoot a three over Bam-Bam. Jayson made it. He made a pull-up three over Bam Adebayo. That’s incredible. Tatum played great. He punctures this Heat defense when he decides to drive to the rim and kick out to open shooters. Jayson can actually pass too, unlike Jaylen. It felt like Tatum could have found more kick-out passes but he found enough. The Celtics offense was ridiculous. Lol how the Heat put Pops Junior Tucker on Jayson Fucking Tatum. Pops Junior is Deuce Tatum’s lunchable. Pops Junior is beyond washed and it frustrates me when I see him play. All the white under sleeves he wears make him look geriatric. He moves like he’s too old. That’s because he’s 37, and shouldn’t be guarding the other team’s superstar for thirty minutes a night. I liked how Pops Junior hurt his foot and was sitting on the Heat sideline during game 1. I wonder if anyone on the Heat staff said, “Hey PJ, you know how you’re wearing Jordan 10’s? Those shoes aren’t the greatest for playing in a professional basketball game. Maybe consider playing in something made in the last three years. You know, something on the cutting edge of performance technology. Just a thought, PJ.” I can’t wait to read about how Pops Junior has gone bankrupt. I would be shocked if that story didn’t come before five years after his retirement. He’s going to open some shoe stores and car dealerships that burn millions. And I’d be shocked if he doesn’t have a couple baby mamas that he keeps in the shadows. When Grant Williams had Pops Junior isolated on him in the post, and proceeded to bully Pops Junior like Giannis bullied him, I was so happy. You never see Pops Junior taken to the woodshed in post defense like Grant Williams did. It was a couple shoulder bumps, a couple power dribbles, and a pivot to the baseline for a semi-hook shot. It was old school basketball from the Pygmy Hippo and I appreciated it. I want Pops Junior hunted.
Pygmy Hippo was also making his threes! He had one where there was an opportunity to swing it to Al Horford in the corner but Pygmy Hippo was like, “nah bih, this shit is mine”. Pygmy Hippo cashed that check. On the next possession, Al Horford had Tyler Herro sequestered on him in the paint. The Heat defense sounded the fire alarm and collapsed, so Al kicked out to Pygmy Hippo for an open corner three. Pygmy Hippo made it. Is Pygmy Hippo better than the Yoruban Chubacabra?
I thought BamBam had Jayson Tatum make that three over him to start the second quarter and just went into a shell. On offense, BamBam did his signature move: apparition. BamBam is Dobby the House Elf. Instantaneously disappearing when the Heat have the ball in half court offense.
On defense, BamBam wasn’t embarrassing Jaylen Brown. It was a poor performance from BamBam. He’s always been a regular season player in my opinion and yesterday he played like the BamBam I believe him to be.
Another problem for the Heat yesterday was that Gabe Vincent was not 5’10” Reggie Miller. As someone that was rooting for the Celtics, Gabe Vincent scared me. I always feel like he’s going to make his shots but yesterday he didn’t go supernova. Gabe still had those pokes that he gets on big guys in the paint on defense. Usually it’s taking the ball away from Robert Williams III right before he’s about to dunk it. I feel like Gabe Vincent might be the best in the NBA at stealing the ball from bigs before they’re about to dunk it. When Gabe does that, it’s deflating. Gabe is good! Kyle Lowry should give him $2 mill.
In the beginning of this game, Tyler Herro had a clean chase down block on Marcus Smart that was so surprising that the refs called foul because it couldn’t be real that Tyler Herro had a block like that without fouling. The broadcast replayed it a bunch and it was clean. Sorry Tyler, you got a road whistle at home. Caleb Martin also had a clean block that was called a foul. Sorry bud.
Caleb Martin is one of the Heat’s bad offensive players who have trouble getting their shot off against Robert Williams III. Robert blocked a layup attempt from Caleb all the way back to Reno. I love watching Robert Williams III contest perimeter shots. He blocked a Gabe Vincent corner three! The Heat players seem totally shocked that Robert Williams III is getting his hand on their shot and he keeps getting to it. Pops Junior tried to shoot a floater over Robert and came up short. It was an eight foot shot. Tough break for Robert that Jimmy Butler got the rebound and pump-faked him into a shooting foul, but Robert Williams III totally neuters this Heat offense. Except Tyler Herro, who somehow can get his shot off whenever he wants. He was what kept the Heat in the game at the beginning. By “in the game”, I mean “within 15 points”.
The problem with Tyler Herro is that on defense, the Celtics get P Rabbit in the game and have Herro switched onto P Rabbit. When that happens, P Rabbit starts his and1 mixtape film sessions and screams about it after he wets in Herro’s face after breaking him down off the dribble. When Herro guards P Rabbit, P Rabbit brings out his best office supplies. The special hole-punch, the G-2 black pen, the Millard printing paper, and the stapler that can penetrate thousands of pieces of paper. He feels my blessing and is playing with an itchy trigger finger. God bless P Rabbit.
I think I love this Celtics team. Especially when they don’t play Jaylen or Derrick “Alien Eyes” White. Alien Eyes missed the game for personal reasons and really, he can stay gone. Celtics played their best game of the playoffs without him. “Personal reasons”? Alien Eyes’ mom better be on the doorstep of death or something morbid like that. Missing games in the postseason is serious business.
Last thing on the actual game, Marcus Smart crossed Max Strus into an ass-to-grass squat that Maxie couldn’t get himself out of. Marcus then made a pull-up fifteen footer and the Celtics bench started doing Dragonball Z celebrations. This game was a rout.
The Miami Heat crowd did not disappoint. Lots of certified firearms in the audience. The one that caught my eye first was the one sitting courtside next to where Ime Udoka was standing. She was sitting next to someone in a Larry Bird jersey. That person happened to be Dave Portnoy. I hope Dave can be kind enough to upload whatever they did after the game to PornHub, or her onlyFans. People would appreciate it. The Miami crowd started leaving at the start of the fourth quarter. I admire that. This Heat team deserved to have their crowd leave early. I feel like Miami people are my kind of people. If this website building nonsense works out, I would love to live there. I’ll deal with the humidity.
2022 NBA ATS record: 38-34
Mavs (+6) over WARRIORS ️-
I have some dubious reasoning for this pick. I still don’t trust these Warriors. I like the idea of picking the Mavs after everyone saw them get humiliated. My baby boy (along with Bogdan Bogdanovic) Lord Luka Dončić is my pride and joy. He’s not going to pull that shit he did in game 1 again. The last reason is it would be “soft” of me to go into this series thinking the Warriors were overrated and completely jump ship after one game. I’m going to trust myself with my assessment of this Warriors team. Trust yourself!

Uh-oh, the team that I picked to cover for out to a twenty-point lead but still faked to cover. You know what that means!
Instead of reading whatever dry commentary that The Ringer or The Athletic publishes about playoff basketball, I just read these emails that I send all of you. This is deeply off-putting, but I laugh when I read what I write. It’s like I go into this fugue state when I compose these and then I look at it later like I’m someone who didn’t write the thing. Anyways, I noticed yesterday that there was a dearth of “hate speech”. There weren’t any of those words that are “cringe”. The stuff that those of you who choose to provide me feedback say that I need to purge from these emails. All the vocabulary that tickles my dick. Words that you find in the “Taking Of Pelham 123” book.
So I think that I was able to forgo calling the players racial epithets yesterday because my pick cashed. Not only did it cash, but it cashed in a way that was totally stress-free. Did that happen yesterday with the Mavs-Warriors game? No. No it didn’t. The Mavs came out to a twenty-point lead and then managed to not cover. Do you know what that means? It means that I listened to “Million Dollaz Worth Of Game” on repeat before I sat down to compose this email. I imagined myself and 42 Dugg driving to Spencer Dinwiddie’s grandma’s house in a blacked-out S-Class Mercedes with all the logos removed. 42 and I are playing the flute music that delightfully starts “Million Dollaz Worth Of Game”. When we arrive at grandma's house we politely get out and ask her if she would like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. Just kidding. 42 and I come ready with Uzis that are locked and loaded. We ring the doorbell and when Dinwiddie’s grandma answers, we both spray her with an excessive amount of bullets. There’s a random boy and girl in grandma’s front yard who witness the barbaric acts of 42 and me. So on the walk back to the car, I walk up to the shell-shocked kids and ask them if they saw me. They don’t say anything so I pick up the little boy and slam his head into the cement sidewalk. Now he’s a goner. The little girl remains catatonic from all the mayhem that is happening around her in this quiet little neighborhood. I finish the clip on her. 42 gets in the driver's seat and I hop in the passenger seat before we calmly drive away. Now Dinwiddie’s bitch ass has to look for me. I’m not spending any effort to look for him after that abomination of a performance he had. If he doesn’t find me in a week after I visit grandma’s house, it’s mom’s turn. If Dinwiddie doesn’t confront me, eventually he won’t have a family. All of the people that he will call to bail him out after crypto crashes will be in closed caskets. I used to advocate for Spencer Dinwiddie but after that shitshow, it’s over between us. When you leave my pride and joy Lord Luka Dončić hanging like that, I lose my affection for you. Dinwiddie was missing every shot he took. That was if he didn’t turn the ball over. When Dinwiddie passes the ball, he always has his hands up like he’s asking for it to be passed back to him. That act really makes me see red. I get flashbacks to Indians at UC Riverside who would hold their hands up like they were going to make a shot if you passed to them. They wouldn’t make it. They would do something problematic like what Dinwiddie was doing. Dinwiddie was passing up open shots because he had a crisis of confidence. He still managed to keep his hands up though! The Warriors were doubling Lord Luka and Dinwiddie wasn’t doing dick when Lord Luka swung him the ball. Disgusting. I remember during the Suns game 7, Kevin Harlan said that Spencer passed up going to Harvard so that he could play at Colorado. Spencer must be smart! Can he be smart enough to make me not want to murder his whole family because of how awful he plays? Watching that game yesterday made me understand why Spencer Dinwiddie wears out his welcome everywhere he goes. If I was his teammate, it would be a Bobby Portis-Nikola Mirotic situation. I’m Bobby. I would send Spencer to the hospital and make him decide that playing in Europe would be better than staying stateside. I’m disavowing Spencer. He’s a disgrace to LA basketball. A lot of the LA players haven’t been representing LA well. Harden, Jrue Holiday, Spencer. That’s in the playoffs, the stuff I watch. Russell Westbroke has the regular season taken care of when it comes to bringing shame to LA.
Alright, that’s it. I just had to get that off my chest regarding Spencer Dinwiddie. I’ll get to the game soon but before I do, what the fuck are these emails that I send all of you supposed to be? I was wondering that yesterday. Are they supposed to be game recaps? I don’t want them to be that. I don’t want to be one of those limp-dick sports writers that are feckless people. I’m not going to name names but most people that write about sports are boring faggots imo.
Are these emails supposed to be gambling advice? They shouldn’t be because I’m barely above .500.
I think these emails are just meant to be entertaining. Maybe make you laugh at the vigor with which I despise Spencer Dinwiddie and my need to murder him and his whole family. Let me entertain you with my vow to cut out Jrue Holiday’s bulging eyes with a spoon before I chop off his hands with a machete and feed him to hungry dogs after I cauterize the blood.
In the deep recesses of my brain I think I could do this thing that Bill Simmons and Dave Portnoy do, but much better. I think I could captivate people with delightful musings about slitting Dorian Finney-Smith’s throat for pulling off that disappearing act in game 2. It’s not wise to share grand visions with other people in my opinion because there are some big fancy academic “studies” that say telling other people of your ambitions lessens the probability of you actually accomplishing said ambitions. Oh well, it’s fun to share goals. I think that I could make a content website and sell ads to 1-800-GAMBLER. I could show people how caustic it is to gamble. How you don’t want to be full of vitriol like me after picking the Mavs and turning into a black hole of violence after they throw away that game. Jesus Christ that was awful.
Lord Luka Dončić was breaking the Warriors and I was ready to come here and say, “suck my dick, I told you my pride and joy Luka Dončić was going to respond in game 2!” Nope. Every Mavs player besides Lord Luka turned into a carrot in the second half. It was shameful. Brunson had a few made shots but Lord Luka had to literally do everything for the Mavs because everyone else quit on life. Don’t get me started on Dorian Finney-Smith. He missed a pair of free throws in the first half and he did that because he grew up poor. His dad left him and his mom didn’t raise him o respond to adversity. If Dorian wasn’t 6’-7”, he would have dropped out of high school and overdosed on crack cocaine. He would be one of those “statistics” that fat nigger-bitches scream about at Methodist Churches. Preaching about how young boys and girls need to finish school and not become “statistics”. Dorian was awful in this game. He missed every wide-open three that Lord Luka sponged him and he was helpless trying to guard Jordan Poole.
You know who were the Mavs good players? Brunson (first half only), Kleber, and Davis Bertans! Davis was great! He even made a two-point shot off the glass after he pump-faked a defender out of his shoes! Davis was so good that Damion Lee tried to start a skirmish with Davis to get him a technical. Damion Lee was doing that thing where scrubs try to get star players on the other team kicked out of games by fighting them. The kind of stuff that Marcus Morris tried to do to LeBron. Or what Markieff Morris tried to do to Jokić. Sorry Damion but Davis Bertans is a higher class of player than you and Davis doesn’t play by the same rules that you do.
Kleber was blocking shots, setting amazing screens and just moving around a lot on offense. He’s really good! He wasn’t making threes yesterday but I trust him.
Lord Luka was fucking ridiculous. He’s inexplicably unguardable. Every Warrior is helpless to prevent Lord Luka from scoring the basketball. It’s something I’ve never seen. Lord Luka isn't prime LeBron or Kobe but somehow he gets by everyone and when he doesn’t blow by defenders, he uses pump fakes and pivots to get a close shot that he makes every time. Oh, and sometimes he will make thirty-five foot threes to close out the first half. Lord Luka is right there with Giannis in the conversation for best player. Now, how did the Mavs lose that game?!?
They lost because Kevon Looney and Jordan Poole!!!!!
Kevon Looney gets every fucking rebound! He gets shooters open with the ball screens he sets, and Looney can pass the ball. Oh, and when the Mavs try to score on Looney 1-on-1, they don’t score. Looney is an amazing defender in open space. He looks like he’s on the doorstep of a heart attack when he runs and all the white undergarments he wears make him look like he has ten different injuries but Kevon Looney is good! Really good! Probably better than Draymond Green right now! Oh, lol how Draymond made a three and then decided to take another one soon after.
But Poole?! Poole is the fastest player on the floor. No Maverick has a shot at staying in front of Poole. Also, Poole is making shots. He was a 90% FT shooter during the season and I’m shocked whenever he misses free throws. I have a lot of faith in his threes too. Much more than Klay’s or Steph’s. Poole pump-fakes the Mavs defenders and it’s unfair. Poole get defenders to foul him on threes and layups which gets those automatic foul shots for him. Poole was the one that broke the Mavs. Kerr had to leave him in the game in the fourth quarter because Poole was better than Klay and Steph. Now, I must admit, Steph did send the Mavs to bed with the way he closed the final seven minutes, but the most valuable Warriors yesterday were Looney and Poole. However, I did enjoy those knockout punches that Steph threw on the Mavs. That and1 he got where he pounded his chest afterwards was savage. That was a great Chef Curry performance and I thoroughly appreciated it.
Ok, I want to wrap this email up. Before I get to my pick today, I need to talk about the chick I saw sitting courtside at that Heat game two days ago with Dave Portnoy. She’s 26, Latin , I guess has millions of dollars, and is a certified nuclear weapon. She’s a perfect person. Definitely speaks Spanish when she’s about to come. When I build my content website and all of you (and all of the people who you forward these emails too) visit it, and see the 1-800-GAMBLER ads I sell, I’m going to make that Dave Portnoy money and get a girlfriend who speaks Spanish and is twenty years younger than me. Someone just like Silviana Mojica. Jesus Christ. Or like Victoria Justice. Although Victoria isn’t perfect like Silviana. Victoria is a Hollywood actor so she’s brainwashed into being Hollywood’s ideal bluetard. Victoria isn’t a savage like Silviana. Victoria probably reads Barstool and cringes. Ok, time to pick todays fucking game.

2022 NBA ATS record: 38-35

CELTICS (-6.5) over Heat -
I think the Celtics are winning this series in five games. I have some expectations of the Pygmy Hippo and P Rabbit. I want to write tomorrows email after those two announce themselves to the world as Playoff Motherfuckers. P Rabbit especially. I want to see that Williams, Williams, Tatum, Smart, P Rabbit lineup play. P Rabbit and Grant Williams were both +39 in game 2. This is their series to turn the fuck up. As someone who won a twelve team, $100 buy-in fantasy basketball league this past year, I am telling you to pick P Rabbit with your last pick in fantasy. And with Grant Williams, pick him three rounds before he’s supposed to go. Top 100 for sure. Those guys are good.

Alright, at this point I’m officially a broken man. The Heat had one of their blowout victories that I can’t stand watching. It really is true that the Heat only blow out these Celtics if the Celtics commit a bunch of disgusting live-ball turnovers. The kind of turnovers that make me not want to watch the game. At the end of the third quarter and the start of the fourth, I had to take a reading break to get away from that nonsense the Celtics were doing. How did people come away from game 2 and decide to take the Heat yesterday?! It’s because the smart bettors go against the public and what just happened yesterday. Something go that I’m currently incapable of at the moment. Maybe the fact that I’m writing about these games is infecting me with a misguided belief that I actually know what the fuck is going on. I am my record, and my record is losing money. I need to repent to Jesus on His day. I don’t know anything about basketball. Call 1-800-GAMBLER. Gambling is bad. Every year that I keep track of my picks, my mind turns to mush. I get stubborn and emotionally spiteful with my picks (don’t worry, that spitefulness will appear today with my pick). Even when I do good (not like this year), down becomes up and up becomes down. At this point, my brain is shattered, my skull is cracked. I’m a blind man walking on a suspended bridge across two rainforest cliffs. There aren’t any safeguards on this bridge and the parrots and monkeys are making too much noise for me to “hear” my way across the bridge. I’m going to fall off and splash into the river of mindless crocodiles. At the beginning, I thought it would be easy to make it across but midway through I realized that there was nothing I could do to prevent myself from inevitably falling to my death.
This sucks. The playoffs this year are highkey awful. Every game goes against the spread by at least ten points and those that don’t (game 2 Warriors-Mavs) are bad beats that make me want to shoot up Spencer Dinwiddie’s grandma. These seven-game series are too long. The NBA season is pointless. American professional basketball blows.
Ok, what the fuck happened yesterday? BamBam must have gotten a forwarded email of mine from two days ago because he wasn’t Dobby the House Elf yesterday. Yesterday BamBam was what I believe Hakeem Olajuwon was thirty years ago. Hakeem and I have the same birthday. Shout out to me. I have watched scattered fragments of Hakeem and the bits and pieces that I have witnessed are like what BamBam was doing yesterday. Good for the Yoruban Chupacabra. Al Horford had zero shot guarding BamBam one on one. BamBam was dream-shaking Al for short jump shots or jab-stepping Al Horford into stone before blowing by him for an easy layup. Kudos to BamBam for making me look like an obese retard who can form cogent spoken words. Not one of those ‘tards that could be sympathetically voted Homecoming king. BamBam made me feel like one of those ‘tards that couldn’t be given a microphone for a single second because I’m liable to go off on a disconcerting screaming rage at the drop of the hat.
Anyways, BamBam was the best player on the floor yesterday. Good for him. Good for Pat Riley. Mr. Riley is such a benevolent, kind person. He wore an N95 mask yesterday in Boston not just to protect himself, but to protect others in the arena. We should all be grateful to Uncle Pat.
Remember how those Rockets teams almost beat the best team of all time? We all thought it was because of Little Game James Harden and Vegan Chris Paul, but I guess we were all wrong. Myself included. Those Rockets teams almost took down prime Kevin Durant and Steph Curry because of Pops Junior Tucker. I don’t get it, but that’s the truth. Free yourself from the lies of the past and come with me to the enlightenment of truth. We can all be free now that we know the truth.
Pops Junior is thirty-seven right now and yesterday he LOCKED UP Jayson Tatum. I don’t get it. Aside from locking up Jayson’s light skin ass, Pops Junior also controlled the glass. These Celtics have defensive rebounding issues. That’s because BamBam and Pops Junior are the strongest people on the court. Bleeding offensive rebounds is the second way to make me not want to watch the playoffs. After turnovers. I’m a stodgy old man at this point. Turnovers and offensive rebounds trigger me. If I was a coach and my team had issues with those two things, I would cancel practice and walk home before I turned into Bobby Knight and started throwing chairs at players.
One time while I was playing on an AAU team, our coach stopped practice and told all of us to go home because we couldn’t figure out how to run a set offensive play. We all showed appropriate contrition for not being able to do what a trained chimpanzee could do and our coach resumed the practice. If I was a coach and my team kept giving up offensive rebounds and turning the ball over in inter-squad scrimmages, I would blow the whistle, say “alright guys, practice is over. I need to remove myself from the gym. See all of you tomorrow.” Then I would turn around and walk out. There would be no pleading. Practice would be over.
Brad Stevens walked out of his executive suite during game 1 of Celtics-Bucks because he couldn’t stand to watch his team get picked by Milwaukee. I wonder if my physical and spiritual doppelgänger had to do something similar yesterday. Really, the Boston crowd should have booed the Celtics yesterday. That was disgraceful. Losing to this hobbled Heat team is shameful. Jimmy Butler was ruled out of the second half and these soft, dumb Celtics still couldn’t come back because Pops Junior ad BamBam we’re still playing.
In the first half, Jimmy was doing that thing where he gets a bunch of interceptions and turns them into fast break points. Oh, and did he ever get coached by Jay Wright for Team USA basketball?! Jimmy might have the best pump-fake in the NBA. Not only does it get defenders in the air, but Jimmy pump-fakes every time he can. He’s breaking the brain of every Celtics player. Jimmy is smart. He grew up with adversity and he overcame it. Jimmy plays like someone who overcame adversity as a child. Totally the opposite of Dorian Finney-Smith, who plays like one of those ghetto kids who quits at the slightest impediment. Jimmy has what all the Hermosa Beach parents are obsessively trying to instill in their children. Grit. Everyone reads Angela Duckworth and drinks the look-aid that she’s mixing. Every free library that I bicycle by has “Grit”, her book.
What else can I say about this Heat team?! Gabe Vincent makes lots of shots. Oh, I know what I forgot about this Heat game. Max Fucking Strus is the truth. He made a dagger three in the fourth quarter when the Celtics were impotently mounting their comeback. Max also was defending Jayson Fucking Tatum one on one in a fast break situation. That’s supposed to end with Jayson getting a layup or an and1. Instead, Max poked the ball out of Jayson’s hands and out of bounds. That’s a defensive play that wins games. Max is really good and Erik Spoelstra deserves a trophy for castrating Duncan Robinson so that Max Strus could grow into what he is now. Because now Max Strus is a legitimate playoff starter on a team that won two games in the conference finals. I’m admitting that I was wrong about this Heat team. They’re not frauds. You don’t go up 2-1 in the conference finals being a fraud.
Ok, now let’s talk about this soft, bitch-ass Celtics team. I just want to start by saying that after Jayson Tatum came back from his “injury”, Ime Udicka immediately pulled P Rabbit out of the game so that Tatum could come back in. The Celtics were playing much better without Tatum in the game and as soon as Tatum came back in, he lost the ball and got tied up. I think the Heat won the ensuing jump ball, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that Jayson Tatum should have stayed on the bench like Little Game James Harden did, all those years ago when Josh Smith and Corey Brewer beat that really good Clippers team. Ime doesn’t have the balls that Kevin McHale does.
Jayson Tatum was disgusting yesterday. His box score sums it up. Lots of turnovers and missed shots. Jayson might be a top 5 player, but his consistency isn’t there and that’s a big part of being a superstar. Showing up to every game and not completely submarining your team’s chance to win.
Jaylen Brown. Jaylen and his old man hips scored a lot of points and made a lot of shots. He didn’t have the free throw yips that he’s had throughout the playoffs either. Don’t let Jaylen’s scoring fool you. He was bad. Seven turnovers in the box score. The one that I’ll remember is when Victor Oladipo hand-checked him on the perimeter. It would be called a foul in the regular season but not in the Leastern Conference Finals. So after Oladipo checks Jaylen, Jaylen gathers himself, tries to make a move, and immediately vomits up the ball because he’s hopelessly off-balance. Lord Luka Doncic, Jaylen Brown is not. Turnover from Jaylen. Fast break for Miami. Aside from the turnovers that the box score credits to Jaylen, I feel like he causes turnovers from his teammates. I’m thinking about one of the turnovers Marcus Smart had trying to pass Jaylen the ball. The pass was off target and went straight out of bounds. Jaylen wasn’t where Marcus thought he’d be. That goes down as Marcus Smart’s turnover but maybe Jaylen could have been on the same page as Marcus. I think Jaylen is never “connected” to his team. Jaylen’s complete lack of feel for the game shows up in these stilted Celtics offensive possessions and egregious turnovers. Jaylen Brown is a football player playing basketball. I don’t like watching him. I know I’ve said that before, but I’ll keep saying it. If the Celtics really shit the bed and lose to this Heat team, my doppelgänger Brad Stevens needs to trade Jaylen for my son Bogdan Bogdanovic and John Collins. I know the Celtics would need to add more salary to that. Probably Daniel Theis.
Speaking of Theis, he played a little bit at the beginning of the game and then not again. Theis doesn’t affect rebounding in the way the Celtics need. I don’t know if he’s “soft”, but every player on the other team treats Daniel like he’s wearing a Kick Me sign. Now I must say, Daniel did block Dewayne Dedmon at the rim that one time but Theis is a bench big for a reason. He plays small. Unlike Pops Junior.
Derrick “Alien Eyes” White came back from harrowing personal trauma. Alien Eyes was really bad and deserved to play less than ten minutes. He feels lost. You know who doesn’t feel lost and needs to play more? P Rabbit! Ime Udicka needs to play P Rabbit more. His plus-minus was good! In a game the Celtics lost by ~7, P Rabbit had a positive plus-minus. It helps that he doesn’t turn it over every time he touches the ball and that he makes threes. P Rabbit also had a defensive stop against Jimmy Butler late in the first half. P Rabbit isn’t the east target we all think he is. P Rabbit ain’t no bitch. He wouldn’t be a Taylor Hart Niche Team member if he wasn’t ready and willing to drown a newborn baby. P Rabbit is someone you can go to war with. One of those wars in an Asian jungle where you witness horrific things and rely on your fellow soldiers to keep your sanity and your physical body intact.
Alright, I think that’s it. Grant Williams was good. Whatever. He couldn’t stop BamBam or get a rebound. Grant needs to play better on Sunday. Fuck the Celtics. That game was really bad.
2022 NBA ATS record: 38-36
MAVS (-3) over Warriors ️-
Two things. One is that I am obligated by gambling law to always pick the home team in game 3 when they’re down 2-0. It’s like picking the team who’s playing another team that just came off a game 7. It’s a “spot” pick. Two, I’m picking the Mavs until they finally cover a game. The Warriors aren’t going to cover every game they play against the Mavs. This is a BAD reason to pick a team but as I stated earlier, my brain is broken at this point and I’m powerless to prevent my impending death. Fuck the NBA. Fuck the playoffs. Fuck me.

What would your dream circle-jerk be? Four guys minimum. Mine would be Louie CK, Antonio Brown, Tom Brady, and Jeremy Lin. Louie because we would call each other niggers and laugh about it. Antonio Brown because we would both say “Boomin” when we came. Tom Brady because he didn’t even pretend to wear a mask during his super bowl celebration and doing anything with Tom Brady would be amazing. Jeremy Lin because I wanted an Asian and he’s the coolest Asian I can think of. He would make the rest of us feel better. You know who wouldn’t be on the list? Stan Van Gundy. Of course I had the broadcast on mute yesterday, but I had it unmuted for ten seconds during the second half and StanVan was complaining about how someone needed to become a better defender. Was he talking about my pride and joy Lord Luka Dončić?! If he was, I don’t know what to say. Just kidding. If StanVan really said in a national broadcast that Lord Luka needs to be a better defender when the only reason the Mavs can score any points is because of Lord Luka, then StanVan needs to be roasted on a spit like a pig at a state fair. My god, that’s clueless. I don’t know why TNT is throwing StanVan with Reggie and Kevin Harlan. Reggie already talks too much. People don’t need a fat toad-like Stan to whine about defense. If you couldn’t tell, I hate StanVan. The broadcast showed him facing the camera one time to talk about something involving Stetson University. Some kind of scholarship. I’m not sure since the sound was off. StanVan is a disgusting creature to look at. It speaks to the acceptance of women that one of them would sign up for decades with StanVan.
This Mavs home crowd was pretty light on the attractive women. There was one in a Jean jacket sitting courtside behind one of those block table things. She was certainly no Silvana Mojica, but she was definitely hot. More of a mature MILF type than someone who could start World War three. The Dallas crowd seems to have a lot of portly white women who dye their hair blonde.
So… ummm… I lost another pick. Please fade me. I feel disgusting for this awful stretch of prognosticating. Remember when I was, like, ten games over five hundred?! Jesus Christ, things really went into a tailspin. Oh well. Don’t gamble. 1-800-GAMBLER.
I watched pretty much all of this game and this Mavs supporting cast has been dogshit. Jalen Brunson walked into the tunnel with Lord Luka after that game ended and he looked like he knew that the Mavs weren’t going to pay him his market value to stick around and miss open threes. Jalen was awful. He’s not a good catch-and-shoot three-point shooter. He’s also extremely ugly and short. The latter of which prevents him from being a good defender. I’ve said this before, but the Mavs need to let Jalen go to the Knicks.
This game started out with Lord Luka doing everything for the Mavs on offense. It stayed that way for the Mavs. Yeah, Dinwiddie decided to actually take open shots this game, and he made a good amount of them, but they were shots that Lord Luka had to create for him. I wouldn’t consider what Spencer did yesterday to be particularly special. Of course it was better than the shit he pulled in game 2, but it’s too late for Spencer to make me think anything good about him. He’s to streaky and when he’s down, it’s really bad.
Lord Luka was making a lot of shots in the first quarter and the Mavs were still barely hanging on in the game. It wasn’t a sustainable strategy to have Lord Luka do so much for the offense. Other guys needed to help out and they never did. I was watching the game and after a Reggie Bullock miss, I was thinking, “wow, Reggie has missed lots of shots.” Immediately after I thought that TNT showed a graphic saying that Reggie was 0-9 or something like that. Reggie is really good and I think the Mavs are lucky to have him but yesterday was an all-time stinker from him when Lord Luka needed him most. We should all forgive Reggie. Unlike Spencer Dinwiddie and Jalen Brunson.
There isn’t really a lot to say about these Mavs. Lord Luka was absolutely ridiculous and unguardable but his teammates kinda suck. Maxi Kleber was great at making DeAndre Ayton quit on life but the Mavs have defensive rebounding problems like the Celtics do. Maxi doesn’t take care of the defensive glass when it’s just him and Davis Bertans as the big guys. Same thing with Dwight Powell. Maxi didn’t make a shot yesterday which is problematic when paired with his inability to prevent Kevon Looney (more on him later) from looking what I imagine Moses Malone was in his prime.
Davis Bertans was good in this series in my opinion. I think he had a positive plus-minus, but not a lot of minutes. Bertans deserved more minutes throughout this series. Probably at the expense of Dinwiddie.
Dorian Finney-Smith wasn’t the unmitigated disaster he was in game 2, but he wasn’t hitting seven threes like he did against the Suns. Dorian is fine I guess. If I’m the Mavs, I’m not happy, or upset that they committed to him.
Overall, Jalen needs to leave and it would be nice if they could move Dinwiddie, but Dinwiddie has a lot of money committed to him and idk what teams value his streaky offense and intermittent forcefulness. The Mavs season is over and it’s kinda sad. They need someone who can dribble from the three-point line to the rim and finish a layup or dunk. The Mavs offense is just endless kick-outs to open threes. They haven’t been making them against the Warriors and they can’t change up their offensive approach because no one besides Lord Luka can make a layup in half-court offense against this Warriors defense. I felt bad for Lord Luka watching all of his teammates lose confidence in their three-point shots as they missed open three after open three that Lord Luka created.
Can the Mavs trade Dinwiddie for Clint Capela???
As for the Warriors, Steph Curry might have had his best playoff game in a meaningful game. That Finals explosion against the Raptors was a hopeless game. Chef Curry from the regular season made an appearance! His play made losing my Mavs pick palatable. Chef Curry was great when he drove to the rim. He was 5-10 from three but he felt more efficient when he decided to finish at the rim. Amazing Steph performance that I’m thankful for.
Klay sucked but he shot enough to make a few. This Klay Thompson is very bad but maybe the Warriors can win with him so having an uncomfortable conversation about giving his spot to Jordan Poole is unnecessary. Klay did get a defensive stop on Lord Luka so shout out to him for that.
Jordan Poole didn’t have a great game but every time he shoots it, I think it’s going in, and his free throws go through the net without touching the rim which I appreciate.
Andrew Wiggins though?!? Andrew Wiggins!!! I wanted to say that the dunk over Lord Luka was better than Ja’s over Malik Beasley, but they’re equivalent. Wiggins’ dunk was over a more significant defender and felt more meaningful.
The league doesn’t do this, but they should have subbed out Marc Davis after he called that offensive foul in the Wiggins dunk. That was a disgusting call. Marc oversteps his role sometimes. He called Draymond Green for a technical that I saw coming immediately after Draymond stepped to him. That tech was after a half-court violation that wasn’t accurate. The second tech that Marc called was for a weak shove from Dorian Finney-Smith on Draymond for a free throw rebound. Dorian isn’t the kind of guy who gets techs and this one that Marc called wasn’t especially deserving. Overall, there was too much Marc Davis in the game. I’m sure the league office will think that Marc Davis deserves to ref the Finals but in my personal opinion, yesterday he could’ve unjustifiably swung the outcome of the game if the Warriors weren’t so much better than these Mavs.
Back to Wiggins, he was fouled by Lord Luka on a three (obvious call) and I was shocked to see him make all three FTs. He’s an awful free throw shooter but somehow he got those to fall. Shout out to Wigs for dominating in a road playoff game. D’Angelo Russell is definitely never going to do that. Sometimes these Warriors seem to need a physical presence on offense and Wiggins comes through for them in that way. When it kind of felt like the Grizzlies were punking the Warriors, Wiggins was there to throw down a monster dunk on Brandon Clarke (or someone).
When did Kevon Looney become so fucking good?!? He absolutely dominated the whole Mavs team on the glass in an embarrassing way. He gets rebounds that make me think, “Jesus Christ, Kevon Looney got that one too!?” On offense, Kevon makes great passes, sets bone-crushing screens, and is able to catch the ball before dunking it. Kevon Looney is what James Wiseman is supposed to be. I’m shocked that this is what Looney turned into. His nickname needs to be “Looney Tunes”.
That was a dominant Warriors victory. I’m impressed.
I’m excited for a Warriors-Celtics Finals.
2022 NBA ATS record: 38-37
CELTICS (-6.5) over Heat -
Jayson Tatum plays like a “pretty boy”. Like someone who is obsessed with how “skillful” he looks. In the last game, he needed to violently throw down a dunk in transition on Max Strus’ face, but he tried a cute euro-step and got stripped. I think that Ime Udoka replayed that play on repeat in front of the whole team. I think Jayson Tatum is going to dominate this game. My picks suck. Please pick the Heat. The public is certainly riding the Celtics here and it’s good practice in gambling to fade the public and to fade me.

I kinda thought yesterday's email wasn’t great. Not the whole circle-jerk part. It just felt like I was recapping what happened instead of thinking of hilarious analogies or providing simple, insightful observations. I really wanted to make today's debriefing up to the lofty standards that I have set throughout this harrowing journey through the NBA Playoff marathon.
Yesterday's game did not allow me to watch it without making me feel stupid for buying what the NBA was selling that night. That was probably the worst game in NBA playoff history. Maybe that’s hyperbolic but the stat about how no other team had started a game with as many missed field goals as the Heat makes me think that yesterday's game is the rightful designee for the worst playoff game of all time. I tapped out before halftime. Hopefully you tapped out after the first quarter. Sometimes I search other people’s Twitter accounts on the Google machine and I came across this fun fact depicting that every game recently has been a blowout. There was a six-point game recently, I think it was a Celtics game, that was 109-103 and was not that close. There’s a lot of nonsense fourth quarter, garbage time runs that are happening. I guess every team is tired, which makes sense since every series is going for a game every two days. Shout out to the NBA for not giving the players enough rest days to make these games watchable. How did this happen? How did I enjoy watching the NBA so much when I was younger, and now I have a hard time enjoying a conference finals game?
The NBA needs an old-style French Revolution from their fans (you and me). I already excised the regular season from my life because the players freely admit that they don’t try and it’s obvious to anyone that isn’t a simp. But now, I have to skip playoff games where the schedule goes every other day?! That’s abominable. You know what needs to happen? Fans like you and me need to go on strike. Not one of those silly NBA player strikes where they cave in two months. One of those Mexican farm worker strikes where they’re serious about not going back to work until the owners provide them housing and benefits (or whatever). Mexicans have pride, they work together to help everyone get what they deserve. Totally the opposite of Blacks who will slit each other’s throats if they are offered the slightest concession at a negotiating table. Alright, I need to stop.
NBA fans need to stop attending games because these dumbass owners just think that they can offer us any game and it’s worthy of our attention. I guess people are rewarding that thinking because these arenas are still being sold out. Not in the regular season where you can see ticket prices for $5 in Memphis, but these playoff games seemed packed. People need to not go to games and not watch them if the quality of play is going to be like what it has been for the last two weeks in the playoffs. Remember when you could tune into a Suns-Pelicans game and be legitimately entertained for two and a half hours? Those nights are long gone. Oh well. These NBA owners don’t care about the quality of their product. They have orgies to attend to.
Shout out to Big Baby Davis for looking ridiculous in that court-side seat. Shouts to Gucci Mane as well. He’s super ripped now. I feel bad for the fans that attended that game. Watching the broadcast on mute, it felt like the abysmal play in that game drained the fans of enthusiasm. Gucci Mane deserves a refund. If he was shopping at Costco and bought something that failed to live up to expectations as much as that game 4 did, Costco would give him a cash refund without a receipt.
2022 NBA record: 39-37
MAVS (-1) over Warriors ️-
I was serious when I said that I was taking the Mavs until they covered. I’m not Mexican, but I can hold firm to a position like they can. I need the Mavs to win this game and then I’ll take the Warriors in game 5. Hopefully my ATS record can be salvaged into something respectable.

Right now I’m Tiger Woods when TMZ only had ten of his mistresses on the record and confirmed side-pieces. Foolishly, I believe that I can convince the other ten women not to join their sisters in dick and blab to TMZ about how I told them that I prefer white women. Things are hopeful in this moment. In my clouded brain, Elin will forgive me for only having ten mistresses and not twenty. Somehow, I know that if Elin knew the full extent of my legal version of an R. Kelly sex cult, she would chase me around with a pitching wedge and try to permanently disfigure my face. I’m a fool for having hope in this moment. For believing that the inevitable avalanche isn’t imminent.
I’m looking at my record and it’s still salvageable. Especially after these couple wins. Now, I realize that it’s not good gambling etiquette to hope things go well, but I’m going to enjoy this hope I have. Soon it will be crushed and I can lament how awful I’ve been picking games, but now, I’m going to be happy that I’m in a position to meet acceptability.
I picked the Mavs because “sí, se puede”, and they came through for me! If I was a boring math asshole, I would’ve written the words “three-point shooting regression” as a reason why I was picking the Mavs yesterday. That would be disingenuous though. I chose the Mavs because I’m dumb and when one team covers three games in a row against one team, I’m blindly picking the 0-3 ATS team because I find it unlikely that a team would cover every game in a series. Oh well, different rationales, same results. Mavs rewarded my faith in them with an easy cover. Shout out to them, but also, shout out to the NBA for having a game that was watchable for at least the first half. Baby steps. I know it’s unreasonable for me to ask the league to put on a game that’s compelling for four quarters in the conference finals and I’m appreciative that yesterday we got twenty-four minutes instead of three minutes.
I’m not really sure what happened in the fourth quarter to get that game to a ten-point deficit with three minutes left. When I saw Nemanja Bjelica in the game to start the fourth quarter, and a thirty-point Mavs lead, I thought it was safe for me to enjoy an evening with some non-sporting friends but I checked the score and it said 110-100 with three minutes left in the game. I had to explain my consternation to everyone about how there used to be a large scoring margin, and now there was a smallish scoring margin. How a big number was inexplicably now a small number. As I said, I didn’t watch that quarter but the box score says that Nemanja, Kuminga, Moses Moody, and Damion Lee mounted a semi-legitimate comeback. Josh Green for the Mavs was a -9 in two minutes. The only thing I have to say about this is that Jonathan Kuminga is really good. I liked him a lot before the season started and he’s justifying my bullishness on him. He jumps off the screen as someone very large, athletic, and skilled. Kuminga is getting these legitimate bushels of free throws because he’s fearless and very athletic. In the series against the Grizzlies, Kuminga seemed like the most athletic guy on the floor. Even in some of the moments that Ja Morant shared with him. Next year, Jonathan Kuminga will be on my fantasy team. The Warriors are going to find a way to rest their older players and allow Kuminga to blossom during the regular season. He’s like a smaller Giannis. Kuminga has more explosive bounce than Giannis, but Giannis has the infinity arms and a tighter handle. Kuminga is a better shooter. I’m buying all of the Jonathan Kuminga stock in circulation. I’m emptying out my savings account and over-leveraging myself in this position because I think right now, Kuminga is Amazon in 1995 (or whatever the date was when it was just an online bookstore).
Steph Curry looks really fast. He hasn’t looked this explosive during the playoffs in a long time. Steph is no Jordan Poole, but Reggie Bullock (or whoever) seems hopeless at preventing Steph from getting to the rim. Yesterday, Steph wasn’t burning down the house with threes but he looked good. I have zero doubt that a Splash Brothers maelstrom is coming in game 5.
I guess Jason Kidd was right when he said that the Mavs offense fueled their defense. It didn’t feel like the Warriors were getting whatever they wanted. Their shots seemed to be mostly contested. The Mavs didn’t give up an inordinate amount of offensive rebounds. Kevon Looney wasn’t doing the thing where he turns into prime Moses Malone.
For some reason, Spencer Dinwiddie thinks he can score on Looney Tunes and at this point, it’s making Dinwiddie look like a dunce. Kevin Harlan can wax poetic about how Dinwiddie turned down going to Harvard, but Dinwiddie looks like a dumbass going at Looney Tunes. If Looney Tunes and Dinwiddie played 1-on-1 in a best of seven series, Looney Tunes would sweep him. Just because it would be too hard for Dinwiddie to score, and Looney Tunes would shoulder-check his way into a few easy baskets. You know what else Spencer Dinwiddie does besides foolishly try to score on Looney Tunes? He sets the most illegal screens and loudly gesticulates in disbelief after the refs call him for illegal picks. Dinwiddie straight up runs into guys with his arms up above his navel. They’re egregiously illegal. In this series, Spencer Dinwiddie is proving all of his supporters wrong, and all of his haterz completely justified. Screw Spencer Dinwiddie. He needs to get traded to Sacramento so he can go waste away on a losing basketball team.
Dorian Finney-Smith made his threes yesterday. There wasn’t any serious pressure on him so Dorian was able to make shots. If the series was closer, dear Dorian would shrivel up into a ball and miss every shot he took. It absolutely blew my mind when dear Dorian pump-faked a three, dribbled to the rim, and made a layup against a set Warriors defense. The Mavs really need someone who can consistently do that besides Lord Luka Dončić. Dear Dorian most likely is t that player going forward, but it was cathartic to see a Mavs supporting player drive to the rim instead of just swinging the ball along the three-point line looking for an open shooter. This Mavs offense is a pitcher that just throws a 100-mile fastball and no other pitches. Yesterday, the pitch was being thrown for strikes and with a modicum of control.
Jalen Brunson was whatever. He had a nasty head-fake that made Kuminga jump out of his shoes in an effort to block a fifteen-footer from the baseline by Brunson. That was pretty neat. “Pretty neat” isn’t what Lord Luka deserves. “Pretty neat” is something that needs to go to New York and play silly basketball struggling to barely make the Leastern Conference playoffs.
You know who is really proving the #haterz wrong on this Mavs team?! Davis Bertans! He’s driving to the rim for layups, getting some nice rebounds, and passing the ball! I’ve been impressed with Davis! He’s grossly overpaid, but he’s not Ian Mahinmi or Timofey Mozgov (or Westbroke!!!). Davis is not one of those big contracts that’s completely unplayable in the playoffs. The Mavs can use him.
Reggie Bullock got the Social Justice Award presented by Twitter and was too overcome with emotion to make any shots in game 3, but he read that I was picking the Mavs in game 4, and decided to move past his Social Justice Award stupor and make some shots. Thanks Reggie.
Lord Luka Dončić tries these trick shots after the whistle blows and yesterday he made one of the most ridiculous trick shots I’ve ever seen during a game. Lord Luka threw the ball really high in the air, and the ball bounced once before going in the basket. I have no idea if StanVan was done complaining about our right to bear arms to notice that Lord Luka had just made a ridiculous trick shot, but the broadcast replayed it. Hopefully, the announcers didn’t have their heads too far up their asses to notice it.
I looked at Lord Luka’s stats for that game, and they’re stupid. He’s so freaking good. I read his Wikipedia and learned that his dad is Serbian. Serbia is to basketball what Jamaica is to track. Either Serbia or Nigeria. Not sure, but Lord Luka is so amazing. He slaps his forearms to show up to the refs, and when he slaps his forearms, his chipmunk cheeks jiggle because he’s so chubby but Lord Luka is just a ridiculous basketball force of destruction. He’s a goddamn savant and he plays like someone who grew up playing against adults, but now is full grown and has physical gifts to go along with the guile that’s honed by playing against thirty year olds as a teenager. God bless Lord Luka Dončić. It really grinds my gears that the reptile Mark Cuban has the privilege of being his owner.
It must have been so gross in Dallas yesterday. Raining super hard with 85-degree heat and humidity. Disgusting. No wonder all those fat, bleach blonde, Texas women look sticky. Dallas’ answer to Miami’s Silviana Mojica was that woman who was in the background of Steph shooting free throws in the first half. She sat behind Jason Kidd, next to a fat Dallas man that must have been wealthy. She was fine, but in a Miami crowd, she wouldn’t be given a second of attention.
2022 NBA ATS record: 40-37
Celtics (-2) over HEAT -
Lol, you think I’m picking the Heat in this game?! Fuck no! You can say I don’t have the balls to pick the Heat, and that everyone else is taking the Celtics. I’m fine with that. This Heat team sucks. Actually, no they don’t. I can’t say that about them anymore. What I can say is that the Celtics have much more talent than the Heat. So much more talent in my opinion, that I have complete faith in the Celtics to go into Miami and bludgeon the Heat by twenty. Fade me though because recently my picks have been shitty and I’m due for some regression since I’ve picked two WINNER$ in a row. I’m wearing black shoes and black socks today because I stand with P Rabbit and these Celtics.
The photos below are of Dave Portnoy and his first wife, followed by a drawing of Dave Portnoy and Silviana Mojica. I feel like Silviana is one of those Latinas that voted for Trump. The kind of woman who supports building the wall to prevent the ugly Mexicans from coming into America. That kind of naked racism is evil… and hot. The Governator has that quote about thinking that black and Hispanic chicks are hot. I feel similarly about Hispanic chicks who voted for Trump.

Let’s get down to business,
To defeat….. the BOOKS,
Did they send me losers,
When I asked….. for covers,
You’re the dumbest bunch I ever met,
But you can bet, before we’re through,
Mister, I’ll make some cash, for you
Shout out Danny Osmond who was the Jew that wrote that beautiful piece of Disney music. It’s an instant turn-up anytime someone between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-three hears that. I didn’t watch the Affirmative Action Cinderella movie, but I hope that the Jews who wrote the music for that movie, made the soundtrack at least half as good as Fa Mulan’s.
Wow, a mildly interesting game and not a game that makes me feel shitty for eschewing reading Piano Tuner so that I can at least have some firsthand knowledge of what went on in the playoffs! Now, the Heat are a ninety-five-year-old Grandma that is one fall away from death, but they kept the game compelling for almost two and a half quarters! Good for them! Good for us! Let us rejoice that the game wasn’t like the Sixers elimination game or Heat-Celtics game 4. Two games that were so horrendous, that they made me yearn for the playoffs to be over.
Oh, and I’m on a three-game WINNER$ streak! Fade me today because there’s some regression coming. It’s unlikely that I’ll make it to four in a row.
Let me start with Jaylen Brown. In the first quarter he probably touched the ball six times. During those six opportunities, he turned it over four, made one shot, and passed the ball successfully to Marcus Smart once. Those are rough estimates, except for the turnovers portion. That first quarter from Jaylen Brown wasn’t good for my mental health, whatever that is. I was getting ready to write about how Jaylen was making me feel like the slave master in Django who demanded that Django be sold cheap at the Greenville auction because Django tried to run away with Broomhilda. I don’t like feeling that way but when Jaylen Brown halts the Celtic’s offense like he did in the first half and I pick the Celtics to cover, that’s how I feel. What Jaylen Brown did in that first quarter was disgusting. The broadcast appropriately showed how Jaylen had four of the Celtic’s six first-quarter turnovers. Jaylen deserved to be humiliated for that shit-show he put on.
To my surprise, and to my sheer delight, Jaylen came out of halftime and played like the player who signed the contract he did. Making catch-and-shoot shots while abstaining from dribbling. Someone must have told him that he needed to take a quarter break from trying to dribble the ball. Jaylen wasn’t even pretending to try and dribble the ball up the court. Sometimes the Celtics have all their guys run to the opponent's basket after the Heat make a shot because none of them are used to being the guy who dribbles the ball up the court. So, in the third quarter, Jaylen makes lots of shots and calms me down. At this point, I’m no longer a rage-filled lunatic who is thinking terrible thoughts about Jaylen Brown. Then in the fourth quarter, Jaylen splits a Jimmy Butler/Gabe Vincent double team, spins around BamBam and makes a tough layup. That was surprising. What was also surprising was that nasty dunk that Jaylen had. Of course he fell down after he threw it down because his balance is awful, but that was a violent rack attack! Credit to Jaylen Brown for dominating that second half. I can’t believe I’m saying that! I don’t like Jaylen Brown! I still want my doppelgänger to trade him in the off-season while Jaylen’s value is high, but it’s not the worst thing to have him on the team I guess. Shoulder shrug emoji.
Jayson Tatum had another awful game. He’s acting like a petulant child. Distasteful stuff from the guy born in St. Louis, America’s worst city. In the first half, Jayson was getting punked by Pop Junior Tucker and Caleb Martin. Not a good look for a guy who I said was the fifth-best player in the league. Jayson is falling down a lot, and missing shots. He needs to go nuclear in game 6 for me to maintain my belief that he’s top 5.
You don’t understand how angry and frustrated I was, watching that first half. The Heat we’re doing that thing where they force amateurish Celtics turnovers and get lots of offensive rebounds. God forbid that Grant Williams boxes out Pop Junior when PJ crashes the offensive glass. The Celtics as a team refuse to box outfit defensive rebounds. They just want to outjump the other guys. It’s weak stuff, from a weak team. That’s the Celtic’s problem. They’re physically, and mentally weak. They should be blowing out this sad-sack Heat team but the Heat are so much tougher than them, that the series is mildly competitive. Embarrassing stuff.
You know who shouldn’t be embarrassed on the green team? AL HORFORD. That coast-to-coast adventure he had that culminated with an and1 layup made my dick hard. That’s the kind of shit I do at Bay Club! Ill-advised rim runs that end with me making a layup around three defenders.
That layup from Big Al felt big in the moment. Like the Celtics we’re done getting butt-fucked by the Heat in the shower of a super-max penitentiary. When the Celtics need to send a physical message, Al Horford is the one who sticks on the postage. Oddly enough, Andrew Wiggins is that guy for the Warriors.
Big shout out to AL HORFORD. He’s lowkey like Dirk when he had his gauntlet through the playoff crucible all those years ago. An old man who knows the end is near, but still has enough juice to make one last legitimate run to the championship. This Al Horford run is endearing.
I guess Alien Eyes had a kid and that’s why he missed a game. In game 5, he was terrific. Making lots of shots in the paint. He even made one over BamBam which was shocking. When Alien Eyes is moving decisively and not thinking, he’s actually a useful offensive player. He just can’t slow down and allow the mental spiders to poison his game.
Robert Williams III!!!! My man!!! Goddamn he is great. That blocked shot of the Gabe Vincent corner three was ridiculous. Gabe is going to have nightmares of Robert Williams III over the summer. These shots that Robert Williams III blocks are ridiculous. He’s the real DPOY. The real reason the Celtics are so good at defense is their foursome of Tatum, Horford, Williams, and Williams. Those guys are all hogs on defense. No one says this but Robert Williams III is better than BamBam. Robert can pass like Bam, make free throws like Bam, but Robert blocks more shots and is just bigger than BamBam. And I don’t want to hear this shit about Mark Williams being the next Robert Williams III. I’ll get to that another day.
Tatum being a soft little bitch in that game got me to thinking about all the guys that that asshole Drew Hanlan trains. They're all mostly shriveling in the playoffs. Joel Embiid, Jayson Tatum…. Bradley Beal doesn’t even sniff the real season. Anyways, that Drew Hanlan guy strikes me as a salesman who doesn’t teach grit. He doesn’t turn people into Jimmy Butler, Giannis, Jokić, or Kawhi Leonard. Drew turns guys with all the gifts like Jayson Tatum into people that mentally fold in the toughest moments. I’m not a fan of Drew Hanlan, and I think people like him are ruining American basketball players.
I’m just so happy that the Celtics decided to stop screwing around and made their threes in that second half! If the Heat won that game, I would be a dangerous person right now. Thanks Grant Williams! Thanks Marcus Smart! Thanks P Rabbit!
Oh, I almost forgot. Kyle Lowry is obese and his complaints about his fouls are the dumbest thing I’ve seen in the playoffs. He needs to get thrown out of games for the umbrage he takes with the refs calling him for egregious, obvious fouls. Kyle needs to leave.
2022 NBA ATS record: 41-37
WARRIORS ️ (-7) over Mavs -
Sure, the Mavs can continue making threes to make up for all the previous ones that they missed, but I’m taking the Warriors to blow them out. Yes, everyone and their mother is taking the Warriors today and I’m right there with them. Fade me. Be the better person. Go against the public (and me), and take the Mavs to cover the seven.

WINNER$ on my mind,
I’ve got WINNER$ on my mind,
WINNER$ on my mind,
SO MUCH WINNER$ on my mind,
This is for the #haterz, who doubted the strategy,
Two different sides, one winning team,
And this gambling art, see the wizardry,
When you at the top of your game, you make enemies
YOU’LL NEVER FINISH ME
Let's fucking go!!!!! Warriors easy cover!!!! I’m hot on the block!!!!!
Shout out to Project X. Great writing, great cast, great soundtrack, great movie.
I just wanted to pick the Warriors and watch a goddamn Vintage Warriors Explosion and that’s exactly what I got. Full disclosure, I missed the first quarter because it was very nice outside and there’s a band I enjoy watching that was playing outside a Pier Ave bar so I watched them instead of the first quarter. It was a great decision. When I finally got to the game, it was a close score. Something like 31-25. I guess I missed a mild Spencer Dinwiddie explosion in the first quarter. I haven’t watched the CCBN recap but judging from the box score, no one really rallied points besides Spencer and Lord Luka Dončić.
What I had the luck to witness was a Klay-Bang. Jesus Christ, he was on a heater. It felt like there was a time limit on how long everything that Klay threw up would go in, so Klay had to shoot as many shots as quickly as possible to score the most points. That game that the Warriors were playing between the second and third quarters was The Beautiful Game. That’s the basketball I like.
Watching that Warriors-Mavs game 5 is jarring after witnessing the muck that the Celtics and Heat put on. It’s like high-end Varsity boys basketball and freshman girls basketball. Image-conscious people would call those two things “two different sports”. Assholes like me would call the former “basketball”, and the latter “Title IX”, “an injury waiting to happen”, or “cruel and unusual punishment”.
There was a graphic on the broadcast that said how lots of Warriors baskets were assisted. I think it was like 25 out of 31. Immediately after that graphic showed, Klay took someone off the dribble and Steph scored another isolation bucket. Steph was throwing dimes. Draymond wasn’t stealing his assists like he usually does. I know the final box score says the Steph shot poorly but that felt like a game that Steph dominated. He did end up with more assists than he usually does, but he was getting those assists from blowing by Reggie Bullock/Dear Dorian/Lord Luka, and throwing dimes to open shooters. The Warriors broke the Mavs defense in this game, and I believe a lot of it was as a result of Steph’s unguardability.
Something that I saw which really surprised me was a Moses Moody show in the second quarter! He made an end-of-shot-clock midrange turnaround that was impressive. He also cashed an open three that Steph assisted when the Mavs completely abandoned everything to guard Steph. After Moody made that three, Steph pumped up the crowd. I can’t imagine how loud it must have been in the Chase Center at that moment. Warriors up twenty-five, playing the beautiful game and making threes. That was a goddamn cyclone.
Klay was nine for eighteen on threes! He was shooting most of those with eighteen seconds left on the shot clock. The whole Warriors team was treating time like an artificial construct. Just mercilessly hunting open threes and shooting them as soon as they appeared. It was so fun watching the Warriors do what they did and having the Warriors -7.
Kevon Looney did that thing where he turns into what I imagine prime Moses Malone was. It’s really ridiculous how many offensive rebounds he gets. Some of it is probably due to the fact that the Mavs employ Maxi Kleber as their big, and he lacks girth, but Looney Tunes gets to every rebound! It’s actually fun watching him find a way to come up with these back-breaking offensive rebounds. It’s not just him too! Andrew Wiggins is dominating the glass! Andrew Wiggins is playing with heart!! That’s amazing!!! You want to shit on Wiggins because of his lethargic past, but he’s been awesome in this playoff run. Wiggins is a supercharged version of Dear Dorian. Bigger, longer, more fluid, more explosive. Less afraid of the moment.
Wiggins was making some turnaround midrange shots that answered the conflagration that Lord Luka Dončić started. Wiggins is just playing great. As I said, he’s getting tough defensive rebounds and even a few offensive ones. He’s making his free throws which is surprising for him, and he’s making these midrange shots that come to him at the end of the shot clock. I’m very impressed with Andrew. Like Spencer Dinwiddie, but the opposite.
Draymond Green isn’t playing like a complete shitbird on offense. He refuses to shoot threes which is good, and he’s making his close shots which is very important. When Draymond makes his passes, and the person he passes to gives the ball back to Draymond and Draymond actually makes the layup, the Warriors offense feels like a perfect machine. That happened with Jordan Poole a few times, and Draymond even got an and1. Sometimes it feels like Draymond can’t get a shot off near the rim without having it sent back into the second row, but yesterday he was finishing around the rim. Awesome.
Jordan Poole is so goddamn fast. How did he last until pick 30 in that draft?! How did the Warriors get him?! Is Jordan Poole a better offensive player than Devin Booker?! Did getting a short haircut really just give him superpowers?! How ridiculous was that prep team with him and JJJ?! So many questions with Jordan Poole! His free throws are beyond automatic. Steve Kerr is a real faggot, so he’s too politically conscious to have Jordan shoot the technical free throws over Steph, but Jordan should be shooting those. Jordan’s free throws don’t touch the rim and they barely touch the net. Shout out to Spencer Dinwiddie for getting a technical. It was well deserved. Spencer threw Jordan Poole to the ground and started talking crazy to the red after he called him for the foul. Spencer isn’t on the level of Obese Kyle Lowry when it comes to nonsensical complaining, but he’s just one below. I used to like Spencer Dinwiddie, and now I hate him. My feelings toward his grandmother remain the same.
Now I gotta admit, Spencer was the only one helping out Luka yesterday. Well, him and Davis Bertans, but Spencer was making threes yesterday. Spencer got a four-point play and he also hoodwinked Scott Foster to call a bullshit foul on Nemanja Bjelica for three free throws.
Side-note: Nemanja was really good and deserved the minutes he got at Draymond’s expense. Nemanja can pass and play the beautiful game. He made a very nice three after one of Looney Tunes’ eight offensive rebounds.
Back to Spencer, hopefully he did enough in that game 5 to make people forget that he didn’t do dick in the first three games. I need “Reptile” Mark Cuban to trade Spencer so I don’t have to see him fuck up the Lord Luka Show. That’s going to be difficult because the Washington Bullets gave Spencer too much money, but I’m sure Reptile Mark can figure it out. He’s on TikTok, and has a lot of cryptocurrencies. That means Reptile Mark is smart. That he’s an “adapter”. He’ll figure it out between Botox injections and hair dye jobs.
I haven’t really gotten into what Lord Luka Dončić did yesterday. What he did was make me scared that the Warriors might not cover after going up thirty. I wasn’t really paying attention to the game at this point, but Lord Luka started making those absolutely unguardable step-back threes that he’s somehow mastered like no one else in the history of basketball. Then he made those close shots that no one can block because Lord Luka is very large and when he puts his heft on you, you move where Lord Luka wants you to move. Which is to a place where you can’t contest his shot.
If anyone compares Lord Luka to Little Game James Harden IN ANY WAY, they should have a finger cut off. Then if they make the same comparison again, another finger. I don’t even want to hear that Lord Luka is a rich man’s Little Game James.
Lord Luka really scared me and made me think that a Mavs cover was possible when there was no way in hell that there should have been a possibility of a Mavs cover. Goran Dragić’s nickname is “The Dragon”, and when Goran retires, he needs to bequeath that nickname to Lord Luka.
Lord Luka Dončić has off-games like yesterday (10 for 28 field goals) but even in those off-games, he still has long stretches of mind-melting dominance. That’s not the case with Jayson Tatum. Jayson Tatum is a light-skin, vapid airhead who likes to shoot bad shots and dribble above his waist. When Jayson Tatum has bad games, he tanks his team. Lord Luka Dončić is a basketball dragon who still manages to breathe fire for at least one quarter even when he has a bad game.
Jalen Brunson is ugly and had another small game. I’m really interested to see if the Mavs make the right decision and let him go play for the Knicks. Really, Jalen Brunson is one of the ugliest players in the league.
Earlier I wondered if Jordan Poole was a better offensive player than Devin Booker. I’m thinking about Devin because he was voted first-team All-NBA. That’s egregious. Devin made it over Steph! This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think that’s on the same level of malpractice as Karl Malone getting an MVP over Michael Jordan. Devin really hoodwinked these voters with all those regular season wins and piggybacking off of The Point Fraud.
Last thing, the spread in the Warriors-Mavs game 5 moved from -7 to -6.5. Line-moving bettors backed Lord Luka. He deserves that respect. Jalen Brunson and Spencer Dinwiddie do not.
2022 NBA ATS record: 42-37
CELTICS (-8.5) over Heat -
I’m taking the Celtics. If they don’t cover, I’m going to be distraught. That’s actually quite an understatement. If the Celtics don’t cover, I’m going to drown a kitten.

Listen, I really tried to watch that game 6. I know that these NBA ATS emails that I compose are truly spectacular written works and I enjoy creating them, but to borrow from popular teen vernacular, “I can’t even” with this Celtics team. They really make me angry when I watch them. You shouldn’t be in the conference finals and lose games because the other team straight up tries harder than you. Plays with more force. The Heat touch the Celtics, the Celtics wildly swing their arms, refs sometimes call foul, Heat fast break because the Celtics threw away the ball. Rinse and repeat.
I might pull a Naomi Osaka and not even watch game 7. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a sick person who hasn’t watched a second of the regular season to personally excuse myself for the inordinate amount of playoff basketball I’ve watched in the past few weeks, and I’ll probably hype myself up to get enthused about watching this shit-show. But I will absolutely pull the plug early if the Celtics start playing like all they have to do to win is just show up, smile, and look pretty. Please excuse my past praising of Jayson Tatum. That dude is mentally soft. Jimmy Butler is more than welcome to take his place as the fifth best player in the NBA. Him or Steph.
Marcus Smart had one of the saddest shooting games I’ve ever seen. I can’t watch a game of his and not think about how he tricked all those media members into voting him DPOY. And then he rubbed it in everyone’s face by wearing that dumbass custom robe?! Trade that dude Brad.
Al Horford didn’t have a typical Big Dick AL HORFORD Game and the Celtics were ill-equipped to overcome that.
Robert Williams III made me proud to be such a Day One fan of his. The fact that he’s outclassing Dobby The House Elf and the Celtics are still getting embarrassed, just makes me that much more disgusted with the Celtics.
I know the prudent thing to do regarding this soft Celtics team is to just wait and let them mature.
That’s not what I want as a fan of the NBA though. What I want is for the Celtics to trade Jaylen Brown. If I’m my doppelgänger Brad Stevens, I don’t want an uppity, mechanical twat like Jaylen Brown on my professional basketball team. Jaylen can go be A Black Guy Who Went To Cal somewhere else. There probably aren’t enough social Justice marches for Jaylen in Boston anyway. There probably aren’t enough homeless people for Jaylen to distribute free meals to. If Jaylen got traded to the Queens, there would only be a two-hour drive between him and all the high-falutin’ liberal arts circle jerks that Jaylen could ever dream of.
I just need Jaylen Brown as far away from the NBA playoffs as humanly possible, and that place would be Sacramento. Maybe the Celtics can throw in Marcus Smart and get both Fox and Harrison Barnes. I understand that Harrison has the same geriatric hood that Jaylen does, but Harrison plays strong and doesn’t have a turnover addiction that fills my entire body with overwhelming rage. Oh, and Harrison probably won’t shit the bed at the FT line. Oh wait…. nevermind.
These Celtics need to go away. This Heat team needs to be put out of its misery. Ugh, I just want the Warriors to have a gentlemens sweep in The Finals.
Good job Kyle Lowry.
Good job Max Strus.
Good job Pop Junior.
Good job Caleb Martin.
I’m not going to drown a kitten. I’m going to find one of the many residential construction sites in my neighborhood, dig a small hole, and bury a kitten alive as the furious meows gradually fade to black.
How do the “professional”, limp-dick sports writers watch that game 6 and not come away seething with anger that one of these two teams is sticking around for The Finals?!
2022 NBA ATS record: 42-38
Celtics 🍀 (-2.5) over HEAT 🔥-
Fuck this series.

Wow, that was a great game. First things first, if anyone questions the Jimmy “James” Butler decision to shoot that three to go up one, they should be tied up between a couple of trees and whipped to death by a crazy Jesus freak who is shouting Bible quotes. That goes for people who even ask the question of whether or not James should have pulled that with so much time on the clock left. I’m sorry but I feel strongly about this. Anyone that I catch talking about the wisdom of James’ decision will be put on the list. The list that includes people who got all coo-coo for Covid Puffs. These are people who absolutely can not be trusted with anything and who will be smited if they ever are matched up with me during basketball. That shot attempt by James was courageous, well-deserved, and extremely entertaining. I appreciated that as a viewer, and I’m sure everyone who attended that game will remember that attempt for the rest of their lives. Even Jena Sims and her Bimbo Brain will remember the energy of the building when James pulled that three. James, Herm Edwards, and I are all on the same boat. You play to win the game!
Ok, now that that’s addressed, I must admit that game 7 was an excellent basketball game that I thoroughly enjoyed. Before the game, I was wondering whether or not it would be a good idea to drink during the game. That booze would dull the pain of all the putrid Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown turnovers. Straight vodka shots were not necessary, this game was a joyous spectacle.
I’ve been excited to write this.
I’ve said this before but it deserves re-mentioning, these Miami home crowds are by far the most attractive in the NBA. It’s extremely difficult to find just one hottie in these Boston games. In Miami, you can find five just from the regular game camera angle. Fantastic showing from all the women in Miami that I truly appreciate. In this game, Silvana Mojica wasn’t courtside, but there were plenty of respectable AR-15’s in the crowd. As previously stated, Brooks Koepka brought his wife Jena Sims to the game just like he did in game 5. Jena Sims is obviously super-hot and I would sign the papers to authorize my last living grandma’s euthanasia for one night with Jena, but Jena looks like a vapid twat. Shout out to my mom for pointing that out. Mom’s a big golf fan, but not a big fan of Jena. You know how I’m a deep admirer of the Silvana Mojica- Dave Portnoy union? Well, I’m not an admirer of the Brooks Koepka- Jena Sims match. Brooks is a bore who I wouldn’t want to spend two seconds talking to and Jena looks like a brain-dead ostrich. A smoking hot brain dead ostrich, but a brain-dead ostrich nonetheless. I’m glad her mother called her and told her to wear less makeup for game 7. Look up her game 5 outfit. She looks like she’s trying to model some kind of cutting-edge Prada outfit that you would see at a fashion show in Paris. In a basketball game, it looked trashy and the pink, glitter eye-liner made her look like what my dear mother would call “white trash”. Yeah, I get my deep delight for racial epithets from my Mom.
Flo Rida was courtside. I think he was the one wearing the dumb white sunglasses with what looked like reflective stones on them. I don’t understand the decision to watch an NBA game 7 conference finals game sitting court-side but impede your vision with those glasses. Oh well.
There’s this one lady that wears the most ornate outfits to these Miami games. She sits in the same spot court-side behind the opposing coach. Ime Udoka might have farted in her face while he was messing with his N95.
Next to the woman who treats these games like the Met Gala, is this old man who I want to imagine as a conciliatory of a Colombian cocaine cartel. He sits in the same spot for every Heat playoff game. Always court-side.
Superfan James Goldstein made an appearance in his customary seat perpendicular to the home team bench.
Enough of the fan observations, this game was great! Full disclosure, my game-watching medium went out when Miami was making that 11-0 run at the end of the game so I’m not sure how that happened. Max Strus probably made a three. James probably made some FTs. BamBam might have made a mid-ranger or two.
Max Strus was really good! This might be hyperbolic, but I’d rather have him than Tyler Herro. Max makes threes. I know he was missing everything earlier in the series but he came through in this game 7. I trust Max Strus. He also kinda looks like Joaquin Phoenix, which is kinda fun.
Max is a really good defender. His lower body is much stronger than Tyler’s. Tyler Herro has pencil legs and in a man’s game, he has a disconcerting strength deficiency. On defense, Max pokes the ball out of people’s hands. Gabe Vincent does that too. Maybe Miami teaches that skill. There was that Derrick White play at the end where Max stripped the ball off of Derrick and out-of-bounds but BamBam jumped on a pump-fake and gave Derrick a concussion on the play. The concussion came after Max cleanly stripped Derrick. I’m not sure what the refs did on this play but the Celtics kept the ball. I’m not sure if they called a foul on BamBam or Max.
Max had a putback slam that was shocking and sent the building into a frenzy. Miami isn’t stupid or apathetic. When the good people of Miami see something incredible like a Max Strus putback slam during crunch time, they explode. I certainly did watching that. Do you think Duncan Robinson would pull off that dunk in ten seasons? I don’t think so. Hopefully Miami keeps Max because that dude is a playoff player. Much more so than Tyler Herro.
Can Tyler Herro tell the world how he’s in the same galaxy as Lord Luka Dončić again?!? Lmao, you know what Tyler is good at? Pump-faking threes and settling for fifteen footers. Now, he makes them, but I don’t get the sense that he’s a three-point shooter like Max. Oh, and there’s the whole thing where grown men can bully Tyler on defense because of the aforementioned pencil legs. Would you rather have Tyler Herro or Jalen Brunson? For this Heat team that sometimes can’t create any dribble penetration in the half-court, give me Brunson. Brunson finishes around the rim. Tyler does not. Oh, and Tyler was injured. I’m in the Tom Brady school of thought where if you get injured, it’s your fault. I’m out on Tyler Herro. He represents Whites poorly and in my book, that’s a cardinal sin. P Rabbit, he is not.
Obese Kyle Lowry. My goodness is he a disgusting basketball player to watch. He dominates the game by taking charges and flopping on shots to encourage the refs to call shooting fouls. The shot where Kyle Lowry flew sideways on a fifteen-footer to get a foul on Jayson Tatum was horseshit. Erik Spoelstra challenged a block that Scott Foster called on Lowry against Jaylen Brown. The block was overturned and rightfully so, but I appreciate that Scott wasn’t giving Kyle Lowry the benefit of the doubt. Early in the game, Kyle missed a pair of free throws which made me happy. I don’t like Kyle Lowry on this Heat team. No one does. I liked Kyle on the Raptors with Kawhi though. Shout out to that 2019 Raptors team, my favorite team of all time. And shout-out to the refs for somehow not giving Kyle Lowry a technical. The league needs to fine Kyle at least 50k for flopping after that game. They should fine Kyle 50k for every game he plays because of the acting jobs he tries to pull off.
All of that being said, Kyle Lowry absolutely got in Soft Jayson Tatum’s head. I’ll get to Soft Jayson soon. I think Kyle Lowry and Marcus Smart are the top two flippers in the league. That might be recency bias talking, but I can’t think of another player who flips more than those two. They’re both egregious and unpleasant.
BamBam showed up to this game! Maybe seeing James score 47 in game 6 was enough to inspire BamBam not to be Dobby the House Elf and actually look at the basket on offense. BamBam played great and I would love to have him on my hypothetical professional basketball team, but I don’t understand how sometimes he doesn’t even try to shoot on offense. BamBam needs to be OK with failing. He needs to accept that people like my guy Robert Williams III are going to swat his shot during the course of a game, but that he needs to keep attacking Robert. After this playoff run, I believe in BamBam.
James is fucking incredible. The and1 layups that he got where Al Horford was pulling on his arm were great. James had one of those pick6 interceptions at the beginning of the game which was nice to see. I really like watching James play basketball. He tries. Totally unlike Little Game James Harden who quits at the slightest challenge. James isn’t as tall, or as good of a shooter as Soft Jayson Tatum, but James is so much mentally tougher and smarter that James is the better player. James walked off that court yesterday like a construction worker after working a twelve-hour day at the job site. Every ounce of energy was gone and it was time to take a fucking nap. I love James.
Last thing on the Heat. Pop Junior didn’t make enough threes. Now, that’s excusable because of the yeoman’s work he did on the boards and guarding Soft Jayson, but if Pop Junior made a couple threes yesterday, the Heat win.
Ok, now it’s Soft Jayson Tatum time. That dude is everything that is wrong with American basketball and why we’re getting boat-raced in developing the best basketball players. I look at James and during the game, he never reacts to the ref’s whistles. I think that’s because James has overcome adversity in his life. I think that’s because during the off-season, James wakes up at 4 AM to get in his first workout before the sun comes up. Watching Soft Jayson Tatum lose his mind after every non-call and every whistle that doesn’t go his way, makes me think he’s one of those ghetto kids from St. Louis who would join a street gang and sell rock cocaine were it not for the fact that they were 6’-9” with athletic gifts. Soft Jayson Tatum is too in love with himself. He’s too intoxicated with those superfluous between-the-leg dribbles. He doesn’t really help an offense play with energy in a half-court setting. Oh, did you see his little Kobe tribute arm band?! It was pretty hard to miss because it was fucking purple. Call me a crusty old man, but I wish the NBA took a page out of the NFL’s playbook and fined players for wearing mismatching sartorial accouterments. Now, the NBA league office is full of a bunch of pussies who couldn’t stand the “look” of fining a star player for wearing a tribute to Kobe, but they need to fine Soft Jayson for that disgusting purple armband. Of course Soft Jayson would wear “24”, not “8”. Soft Jayson Tatum is the poster child of someone who bought Kobe’s bullshit. I was so happy that Soft Jayson missed a bunch of dumbass pull-ups to start the game. That’s what Kobe would have done. Miss a bunch of shots in an important game but convince everyone that he was a hero just for taking them. Kobe sold so much bullshit that people bought. I was alive and sentient for Kobe’s prime years and I know the truth. Kobe got clobbered when he went against that fully-loaded Celtics team and he needed a STACKED Lakers squad to win his last two rings. Those Laker teams were awesome. Ron Artest saved Kobe’s legacy with that offensive rebound he got against the Suns because Jason Richardson didn’t box him out. I’ll never forget where I was when that happened. It’s like I’ll never forget where I was when LeBron made that three to beat Dwight Howard’s magic in that one Leastern Conference Finals series. Oh, and didn’t Ron Artest also make a giant three to win a Finals game? Wasn’t that before he thanked his therapist?! Yo, Ron Artest might be the most underrated player in NBA history. Seriously, he took the Queens to the playoffs. Shout out to Ron Artest.
Anyways, Soft Jayson Tatum is the type of person who would buy Kobe’s bullshit. The whole “Mamba Mentality” disease. Just look at Soft Jayson’s tattoos! They’re retarded. He can’t even bother to correctly ink “God’s Will on his upper back. Soft Jayson Tatum is a capo airhead just like Jena Sims and Brooks Koepka. I don’t like that. I like ruthless, genius killers like Jimmy “James” Butler. Miss me with the Soft Jayson Tatum praise.
Another unlikeable player on this loathsome Celtics team is Marcus Smart. That dude is an insufferable, hypocritical faggot. Do you know why he’s a hypocrite? He doesn't make the extra pass on offense but he has zero issue calling out Soft Jayson and Old Man Jaylen Brown for their ball-stopping. Marcus Smart loves to throw his arm around and tell everyone else to move around before he dribbles for five seconds and takes a shot. When Marcus Smart gets a Soft Jayson Tatum kick-out pass, he doesn't make the extra pass. When he pump-fakes, and drives, that shot is going up. Rarely does Marcus make that pass that really breaks a defense’s will. The kind of extra pass that Boris Diaw would make on the Revenge Spurs. Sometimes Marcus actually does make that extra pass but yesterday was not one of those days.
Marcus Smart’s reticence to make the extra pass is why he’s a hypocrite, and he’s an insufferable faggot because of how he flops. The play that sticks with me is when he got tied up with someone and WHILE HE WAS IN THE AIR, Marcus stared at the baseline ref demanding that a call be made against the Heat. I don’t remember the exact play or the Heat player that Marcus was tied up with. What I remember was how Marcus looked at the ref mid-flight. That was off-putting, gross stuff. That’s the kind of stuff that a person with Marcus’ awful skin would do. Rat shit. God I hate how he won DPOY. Shame on the voters who gave him that recognition.
Old Man Jaylen didn’t turn it over every time he got the ball! Actually the whole Celtics team (mainly him and Soft Jayson Tatum) managed to keep their turnovers at a professional level. I believe the Heat actually had more turnovers than the Celtics! What a world! Old Man Jaylen made shots and didn't puke up the ball every time he tried to dribble to the rim. He played with decisive force and I appreciated that. Thanks Jaylen.
Al Horford didn’t have the offensive game that made me scream, but he had a big-dick Al Horford game on defense. He was getting some quality defensive rebounds and contesting shots at the rim. Now, James made the layups where he challenged Al, but aside from that, Al protected the rim which was very important since Robert Williams III can’t play more than twenty minutes. It makes me happy that Al Horford is finally going to The Finals. He deserves it.
P Rabbit didn’t play which I didn’t appreciate.
Derrick White made some threes and some layups when the Celtics really needed him to! It’s incredible how he went from hopeless on offense to saving the day in game 7. Big shout out to Derrick White for getting rid of the mental cobwebs that had him stuck in a rut during the beginning of this series.
I don’t have any thoughts on Grant Williams. He was fine. He played a lot. Good for him.
2022 NBA ATS record: 43-38
WARRIORS ️ (-3.5) over Celtics -
I failed to pick against the Celtics when they came off of that game 7 win against the Bucks, and I’m not going to repeat that mistake. A gambling “spot” that I now believe in is picking against the team coming off of a game 7. Action Network emailed me about this trend and I’m buying it. Just like how you have to pick the home team when they’re down 0-2. Also, Soft Jayson Tatum, Old Man Jaylen Brown and the hypocritical, insufferable faggot really make me upset. I wish the worst on that triumvirate.

This morning's email is different that the usual fare I offer. Some of you are serious fans of the Sacramento Queens and your favorite thing about the NBA is the draft and the hope it peddles. I myself don’t give two fucks about the draft, but for you hopeless Queens fans, I’ll provide my worthless opinion about these draft kids. Being an indoctrinated Angeleno, I only care about what you can do right now. Not what you can maybe become in four years. The best NBA players are usually at least 23 years old and most of the draft prospects are 19 or 20. That leaves three years for me to eventually care about these guys. I used to be pretty obsessive about the NBA draft because I used to be a hopeless fan of the Sacramento Queens but then I matured and started only watching the playoffs which is not a place where young players play. Anyways last year I gave some cursory analysis of the prospects that turned out to be pretty prescient. All I did was watch their highlight tape. In my humble opinion, you don’t need to travel across the country and watch all of these kids play live. These NBA team owners print money, so they can afford to throw it away in the name of “scouting” but I think most of that spending is unnecessary. Not a lot of people will say that because a lot of people like getting paid to watch Duke in December but I think the whole NBA scouting industry is dumb. Before I get to this year's crop of slaves, I’ll share last year's prognostications.
Cunningham: shot looks good, seems to be a great ball-handler. Super light skin so toughness is a question for me. Great name. Seems good.
Suggs: is he the fastest prospect? It seems so. He seems very strong and athletic if not supremely skilled as a shooter. He plays hard and I think he gives a shit. The opposite of a Ben Simmons. I don’t buy him as a top 4 prospect but I like him.
Scottie Barnes: seems like a super-sized Andre Iguodala. Plays with joy and passion. Like Ben Simmons, but the opposite. I haven’t seen him shoot it in his highlight and I guess that’s his bugaboo but I’m buying his stock. I'd rather have him than Suggs or Jalen Green.
Alperen Sengün: this dude plays with craft and zest that makes me smile. Monster around the rim. Passing wizard. I have faith he will develop as a shooter. He’s someone the Kings could really use as an interior scorer. Yeah, he’s a little slow and he might die guarding the Cam Payne’s of the world (lol, Cam Payne) but goddamn he is going to be very good on offense. Him and Haliburton would make sweet, sweet music together.
Franz Wagner: hell yeah, I’m down with Franz Wagner for the Kings too. Seems like he can play in the playoffs. Shot looks good and he moves well for a big white guy. Plays a team game.
Jared Butler: No. Too small. I’d rather have Terrance Davis (current Kings bench scorer).
Jalen Johnson: yeah sure. Seems like a more athletic, bigger PJ Washington. That’s a solid player to have. Also has a dash of passing zest to his game. I like him.
Mobley-I picked USC to go to the Elite 8 because I thought Mobley was That Dude. I still have that opinion.
Jalen Green-Bust. Terrible shooting motion and not amazing athlete in the G League. Also, seems a little small.
Kuminga- I really like this dude! It feels like groupthink to disparage him.
Bouknight- I love him because he has great shooting motion, he’s big and athletic
Keon Johnson-No. big jumpers rarely work out imo
Kispert- No.
Mitchell-Hell no. Super small, arms not long. Bust.
Ok now for this years peeps.
Banchero: I watched the Duke-Gonzaga game that was played in Las Vegas. I watched lots of Duke tournament games. Banchero jumps off the screen as someone that dominates college. I think he is the best player this year. He reminds me of Carmelo Anthony. I think it’s ridiculous that people think Chet and Jabari are better than Paolo.
Smith Jr: he seems like a bigger Paul Millsap or a supersized Klay Thompson. I’m suspicious about how he decided to play at Auburn and how he is a ball-stopper on offense. I think he might be one of those Jaylen Brown Blacks that is really good at school but plays basketball like a retard. He definitely has the Jaylen Brown old man hips. However, he is very tall and has very long arms. His shot is pure. I don’t hate him but I don’t love him like I love Paolo.
Chet Holmgren: I fucking love the name Chet. You can hate on the fact that he weighs less than 200 pounds but he has the magical combination: shot-blocking and three-point shooting. He also is a ball mover on offense. I know it’s easy to hate him but Chet does things that very few other people do. Sign me up for the Chet Holmgren experience. If you don’t like Chet, you’re a #hater. I like Chet more than Jabari but not nearly as much as Paolo.
Jaden Ivey: miss me with any mention of Ja Morant. Ja had obvious passing wizardry at Murray State. Jaden Ivey doesn’t have genius-level passing. He needs to play with teammates that know how to pass. Having said that, Jaden Ivey’s highlights might be the best in the draft. His dunking is ridiculous. He blocks shots which augur well for his defensive potential. However, he’s maybe 6’-4” so he’s probably not going to protect the rim like Chet will. Jaden has a fine shot. I worry about how stiff he seems and his lackluster passing vision. I like the next two people I’ll mention more than Jaden, but I like Jaden and I wouldn’t be mad if I was a Queens fan and they picked him.
Tari Eason: what am I missing about Tari Eason?! That dude is a gorilla and you want gorillas on your basketball team. I really like Tari Eason. He’s a legit 6’-8”, has a >7’ wingspan, moves well and can shoot. The Queens need players like Tari Eason.
Benedict Mathurin: yeah this guy seems really good. He’s kind of stiff like Jaden Ivey but maybe Benedict can start doing Pilates and fix that. His shot looks better than Jaden’s and his arms are longer. Again, the Queens need players like Benedict who can make plays on defense.
Shaedon Sharpe: I watched his EYBL tape and I have no fucking clue. I guess his shot looks OK but that level of competition is lacking. I don’t buy him as top 5 but of course, I could be full of shit on that subject. If I was a Queens fan and they picked him, I’d be disappointed. Being the number one HS prospect doesn’t turn me on.
Keegan Murray: ummm, his athleticism is concerning. He’s pretty tall and I believe he’s a really good shooter but I’m not sure if he’s athletic enough to play in the NBA
AJ Griffin: As I said earlier, I watched a lot of Duke games and this guy seemed very overrated. He has a lengthy injury history (unlike Chet!) which is extremely concerning. I don’t buy him as top 10.
Jeremy Sochan: I fucking hate this dude and wish the worst for him. Super bust. I don’t ever want to watch him play.
Jalen Duren: seems small and unskilled. Bust. Overhyped.
Mark Williams: miss me with the comparisons to Robert Williams III. Robert wouldn’t choke at the free throw line like Mark did in that Duke Final Four game. Having said that, I really like Mark Williams and think he should be one of the first eight players drafted. His shot-blocking seems legit and I believe Coach K is a retard who made Duke players look worse than they are with his diseased mind and old-man tyranny.
Johnny Davis: I’m not a believer. Bust.
Dyson Daniels: gimme some double D’s! This guy impressed me. I think he should be top 10 and you could talk me into him being better than Jaden Ivey.
Ochai Agbaji: I guess. His shot is legit and his length and height portend well for his defensive potential. I’d rather have him than Keegan, Davis, Duren, Sochan and Griffin. He can’t dribble. Maybe he can become Danny Green. Maybe.
Fuck the draft. Thinking about it is a waste of time.

This Draymond situation is bad. He’s the faulty dilithium crystals that are overheating the engine of the Golden State starship. Light years ahead only applies when Draymond Green isn’t the worst offensive player on the court. I haven’t looked at the box score of the game and I’m scared to. I think Draymond made one shot despite taking around ten. That’s bad. What’s worse is that those nine misses were shots that were wide-open threes and not-difficult shots around the rim. The Warriors can’t have Draymond be this bad on offense. Yes, shooters can do dribble handoffs with him when his defender neglects giving Draymond attention but that situation is too physically taxing on the Golden State shooters. It’s not healthy offense. Steph, Klay, and Jordan Poole (smh) can sustain that level of effort throughout the whole game. Draymond Green is pulling off some Meltdown Ben Simmons shit right now. I’ve said this in earlier rounds about the Draymond Green offensive situation being untenable. He looks very small on the court. Like he’s not capable of dunking. Like he’s always intimidated by the defenders around him. It’s so bad. Draymond doesn’t even do great things on defense. Right now, he’s maybe half the defender that Taylor Hart Niche Team member Robert Williams III is on ONE FUCKING LEG. This act that Draymond is performing is gutless. On the Taylor Hart Niche Team, if you’re a player and you start a podcast, I will immediately trade you or release you. I don’t care if you have years left on your contract. At that point, you’re a tumor and you need to be taken off the team with a scalpel. I don’t care if you’re an American White (P Rabbit), if you start your media career while you’re on the team, I’m getting rid of your ass.
I have a “Money Green” shirt made by Moneyball Sportswear that Draymond Green used to sell many years ago. I used to like Draymond. He had that one game 7 that the Warriors lost against the Cavs. Now though, I just can not fathom Draymond being anything other than disgusting dog diarrhea on offense. He likes to do that two-arm flexing after the refs take pity on him and his below-the-rim finishes. Draymond Green has never had imposing arms. Regular Season Jimmy Butler, he is not. But then Draymond will scream because he just made a layup while the Celtics don’t pay the slightest attention to him. Of course Draymond will miss the free throw. In the middle of the fourth quarter, Steve Kerr benched Draymond. It was the right move but it didn’t do anything. With around five minutes left in the fourth, Coach Kerr elected to put his team anvil back in the game. The Celtics onslaught just got worse. I’m sad that Draymond Green has turned into this. Of course, picking the Warriors to cover the 3.5 and witnessing that dicking that Derrick White, Al Horford, and Marcus Smart gave them caused me to lose sleep, but the thing I’m feeling the most is disappointment in the current state of affairs regarding Draymond Green. He’s on the Russell Westbroke aging plan. Turn 32 and become someone that can’t hit a shot from anywhere on the court.
TNT needs to rescind whatever post-playing studio gig they had planned for him. Draymond isn’t allowed to be Charles Barkley or Shaq after he’s done playing. Draymond can be Jim Jackson. Someone that has to travel around the country and hone his craft as a color commentator. Draymond doesn’t deserve to hop right into a plush gig on that TNT studio. If he does, I’m never watching it (not like I do currently lol) and I’m telling everyone I talk to that they shouldn’t watch it because Draymond was such a dogshit offensive player after he turned thirty. Really, I’m despondent. That effort yesterday was so bad.
The layups that Draymond does make, need to circle around the entire rim twice before they fall in. During the Dallas series, Draymond’s free throws would bounce to where the backboard is attached to the rim and just stay there. I’d be surprised if Draymond has had less than two shots get wedged between the backboard and the side of the rim.
Of course his wife-open threes are all misses that aren’t close and give you zero confidence that they have a chance of going in, but his rim runs in the open court are soft. Everyone in the world knows that the last thing he wants to do is try to make a layup. He’s hesitant dribbling. Always looking around trying to find someone else to release him from the burden of having the ball on the offensive side of the court. Draymond is playing so soft right now. It’s dire. It’s disconcerting. It’s disgusting.
You know who Draymond would be if he was in Django Unchained? He would be the Mandingo fighter who has given Joe Lacob four fights. When Joe bought Draymond from Tom Izzo, Joe was promised five fights. Draymond has finished three fights cleanly and the fourth was one where he barely escaped with all of his faculties. Now Draymond knows that he’ll die if he fights again so he tries to run away, or shovel the ball to Klay Thompson every time he gets the ball.
If Draymond has anything left in his broken game, he’ll give it in game 2. I have zero faith in that happening. This Draymond Green is getting the veterans minimum after his current contract runs out. Try to remember anyone that has ever said that Draymond Green is a Hall-Of-Fame player. Hard-code it into your brain that the person who said Draymond deserves that honor is a retard.
There were some other Warriors that really shit the bed in this game but Draymond Green was awful yesterday in a way that I will never forget. If the Warriors lose this, I will never subject myself to another word that comes out of his mouth. Not only that, I will tell everyone that will listen what a scared little ghetto punk Draymond Green is/was. Someone that just got lucky and dragged Steph’s coattails to a successful NBA career. It’s cute that Draymond can remember everyone who was drafted before him. I’ll remember this game 1 dogshit like Draymond will remember those thirty-four players.
Draymond deserves the entirety of this to be about how despicably atrocious he was yesterday, but I’ll move on to Jordan Poole. Jordan Poop. Yesterday, Jordan Poop was one of those sixth-graders who decides to play basketball with the eighth-graders before school starts. The eighth-graders just needed a tenth body to credibly play full court and Jordan Poop just happened to be there.
Yesterday, Jordan Poop was one of those wiggers who tries to be black and as part of the process, fucks a black chick. Only, Jordan didn’t mentally prepare himself for the smells that were going to emanate from that sweaty body and he can finish because the whole thing was more than he bargained for. The black chick keeps Jordan’s secret that he couldn’t cum and Jordan goes on pretending to be one of those Whites who is down with black culture or whatever.
Jordan wasn’t shooting the ball yesterday. He wasn’t blowing by Celtics defenders in a way that made me wonder how the Warriors drafted him with a late first-round pick.
On defense, Jordan is just small and he doesn’t get stops like P RABBIT does. Jordan is not only small, but he’s frail. Just a limp-dick effort from Jordan Poop yesterday and I’m really fucking disappointed with him at this moment.
This whole Warriors team besides Otto Porter, Klay, and of course Chef Curry didn’t come to party.
Andre Iguodala was fine I guess. The full-body soft cast that he’s wearing is disconcerting but he does a good job guarding Soft Jayson Tatum and he made a couple of shots.
You know how Looney Tunes was playing like Moses Malone in the Bestern Conference Finals? Well it turns out, that had a lot to do with who he was playing against. Now that Big Dick Al Horford and Taylor Hart Niche Team member Robert Williams III have taken the place of Maxi Kleber and Dwight Powell (lol), Looney Tunes is getting two offensive rebounds instead of eight. Looney Tunes also fumbled away some Chef Curry assists. Not a good game from Looney Tunes. He played like someone who had two hip surgeries yesterday.
You know what?! I’m making Robert Williams III the captain of the Taylor Hart Niche Team. I’m going to finish up talking about the Warriors before I finish my Robert Williams III handjob but I’m just very proud of him right now. I love Robert Williams III.
Andrew Wiggins was missing wide-open threes yesterday and he got embarrassed by Robert Williams III on one of his layup attempts. In the previous series, whenever the Warriors were getting punked and needed a physical response, Andrew Wiggins would throw down a violent dunk and everything would be alright. Yesterday, Andrew had a nice finish through Big Dick Al Horford in the first quarter but Robert Williams III is protecting the rim (on one leg) and Andrew Wiggins isn’t doing that shit he did to Lord Luka Dončić and Brandon Clarke. I would call Andrew’s effort yesterday soft, or flaccid, but it wasn’t what the Warriors needed from him.
Klay Thompson made some shots but whatever. He didn’t give Chef Curry enough support to overcome the Draymond Green Anchor (patent pending).
Otto Porter Jr made four threes yesterday. No one has ever said this but Otto Porter looks like Wilt Chamberlain. Otto Porter JR was the number three pick in the draft because he has legitimate size, excellent basketball IQ (he knows how to play), and great shooting touch. Otto is a really good player and were it not for injuries, he would be thought of much differently than he is. Sensational game from Otto yesterday. I hope he keeps playing. I hope Steve Kerr has the courage to bench Draymond’s faggot ass and rolls with Otto, Andrew and Looney Tunes as the Warriors bigger players.
Chef Curry was obviously sensational yesterday and every Warrior besides Otto should be ashamed that I’m not going to think of that game as a Steph Curry coronation. 6 for 7 on first-quarter threes. At the beginning of that game the Celtics weren’t sticking to Chef Curry on ball screens and it was hilarious. I think Daniel Theis might not play another minute because of his reticence to go out on Chef Curry at the three-point line. I’m sure Chef Curry’s stats were un-fucking-believable yesterday and it was because that’s exactly what he was.
I play basketball and there was one game during my illustrious career that I thought about while watching this game in the first half. This was a game at 24 Hour in Hermosa Beach and my team got down 8-3. The other team was just making outside shots. The guy I was guarding was making tough shots that I couldn’t have contested any better unless I actually blocked it. Going down 8-3 is not great. Usually, you don’t feel good about your chances of winning a game that is played to 13 after getting out to a start like that, but during this game, I felt like the avalanche was coming. My team was physically more imposing than the other team, and the other team was living off of difficult shots far away from the rim. I felt calm. Like I knew that if the game kept going in the way it was, my team would win.
I don’t remember the exact details of what followed but I do remember that my team did win. That the other team stopped scoring and that we got east shot close to the rim, and fast-break layups.
I imagine that’s how Big Dick Al Horford felt in the first half of that game 1. The Warriors were shooting fifty percent from three and that didn’t sustain. When that spigot closed, the Celtics kept making shots close to the basket and blew the Warriors out of their own goddamn building.
I think it’s an appropriate time to mention how goddamn great Derrick White was. I think he made four threes and the one he made at the end of the shot clock over Chef Curry in the fourth quarter was a dagger. It was really incredible watching the Warriors lose because Derrick White became a legitimate offensive weapon. I guess it wasn’t ridiculous to compare him to Fred VanVleet after they both had children.
Marcus Smart played like the rightful DPOY yesterday. Especially in the first half. Maybe “rightful” isn’t the right word. Probably just “not historically egregious”. I won’t check the box score but I’d be surprised if he didn't have at least three steals. He just felt like a force on defense yesterday. Good for him. On offense, he didn’t shoot too much and he kept passing the ball to Jayson Tatum. Of course, when the Celtics were raining threes in the fourth quarter, Marcus threw in a couple. Excellent game from Marcus Smart yesterday.
Big Dick Al Horford wasn’t the version of himself that made me scream watching him against the Fucks. Maybe if I picked the Celtics, I would have screamed when he started raining threes with Derrick White in the fourth quarter. I quit watching after Big Dick Al Horford had that and1 layup. Big Dick Al is really embarrassing Draymond and Looney Tunes.
Soft Jayson Tatum missed a lot of shots but I guess he had some assists. Whatever. He wasn’t great yesterday.
Jaylen Brown had his usual share of bad live-ball turnovers and he didn’t have a great field goal percentage, but he did make some important shots. He also had the play that symbolized the game. I’m talking about when Chef Curry threw that perfect outlet pass to a streaking Looney Tunes. This time, Looney Tunes cleanly caught the ball after bodying Jaylen while the pass was in the air. However, Looney Tunes got scared of Jaylen chasing him down from behind and Looney Tunes rushed his layup attempt and went up soft. Looney Tunes got blocked by the rim. Jaylen collected the rebound, went all the way to the other basket, and dunked that bitch. Warriors got scared shooting layups and the Celtics got close shots whenever they wanted.
P Rabbit is playing a lot more and that makes me very happy. Draymond closed out to P Rabbit in the corner and P Rabbit swished that threw right in Draymond’s face. Now P Rabbit did miss a wide-open three at the top of the arc in the fourth quarter but P Rabbit played great. Andre Iguodala tried to score on him in isolation and failed. People try to go at P Rabbit and he gets stops. I love P Rabbit. He’s a killer. Now, yesterday he did wear white socks and I do prefer it when he goes with black shoes and black socks, but P Rabbit had a good game and I’m happy with him.
ROBERT WILLIAMS III!!! Team captain!!! On one fucking leg, he had four blocks in three quarters. That ally-oop that he finished from Jaylen Brown was a statement to the Warriors. It said, “I am the captain now”. Fuck I love Robert Williams III. I’m pretty sure he blocked a Chef Curry three. Chef Curry didn’t get the memo that Gabe Vincent sent him about Robert Williams III.
Things look dire for the Warriors right now. The NBA season might be over very soon.
2022 NBA ATS record: 43-39
WARRIORS ️ (-4) over Celtics -
Ummm…. I just witnessed the Celtics beat the Warriors so badly that I’m just too confident that the Celtics will win this series in 5. I’m so convinced that the Celtics will crush the Warriors, that Draymond Green is going to fuck this up, that the Celtics are just too big for the Warriors, that I’m taking the Warriors to cover in game 2. Fade me.

Good luck finding a hot chick in this stodgy San Francisco crowd. I forgot to mention the paucity of women who I would nuke remote third-world countries for in the last email. San Francisco is an ugly place in every way. Ugly buildings, ugly weather, and ugly people. Triple threat of dogshit. I spent basically the whole fourth quarter trying to locate a hottie and the best I could come up with was that forty-five-year-old who was sitting courtside behind Ime Udoka. She was dressed in a conservative yellow shirt. Maybe she was a company executive who couldn’t afford being seen on tv in an outfit that was too edgy.
Vivek Ranadivé was sitting behind the Celtics bench with his half-white daughter who makes music. She’s not hot. Even half-white Indians have too much of that inbred Indian heritage. Thousands of years of geographic isolation and inbreeding can’t be overcome with just one cross-pollination with a White. Vivek’s grandkids have a shot at not being hideous, but not his kids. Sorry Vivek.
Can Vivek be any more on the Warriors dick? I don’t think other team owners are attending these Finals games. Only Vivek. Does he go in the bunker suite at halftime and jack off to pictures of Steve Kerr with his mask on? Lol how Vivek chose Mike Brown over Kenny Atkinson as his next coach btw. Atkinson has genuine experience building up a franchise from nothing and Mike Brown has genuine experience wasting the prime of the best basketball player in history. Good for Vivek. I’m appreciative of how he supports my confirmation bias of Indians being ugly and awful.
Celebrities don’t even go to these games in San Francisco. The broadcast never shows celebrities at these Warriors games. Of course, there’s Bill Simmons sitting at the baseline opposite of the Celtics bench. The guy who I enjoyed reading when I was seventeen but who I eventually grew up to despise because he’s much less interesting than me but has infinitely more money. Oh well. I can be happy just to know that what I make is much better than what Bill Simmons makes. Him and all his “friends” that take turns blowing him can’t write things like I can. Actually, there’s one guy on the payroll who has terminal cancer who writes about what it’s like to be on the doorstep of death. That one article that he wrote about that was riveting. I think I’m going to try and write something similar to that where I pretend to have some very serious tragedy and write about how it changes how I see the world. I’m not bound to reality or credibility like most of the Serious Writers on the internet. I can pretend to be a parent who has a child pass away and write about how it changes my opinion of life without needing it to actually be my reality. Ok, enough of that.
I backed the Warriors in this spot and they rewarded my confidence. Before the game I was so sure that the Celtics were going to cover. Thank you Chef Curry. He’s having a Finals performance for all the doubters who belittled Steph’s playoff resume. He’s carrying this small, weak Warriors team against these giant Celtics. Before I go balls deep on Steph, I need to mention Draymond Green. He had a game that didn’t make me seriously consider burning the “Money Green” shirt I have.
I wanted to remember what it was like to live in a world where Draymond Green wasn’t a disgusting basketball player to watch, so I checked out his game 7 highlights against the Cavs. My goodness was he a different player then. In those days, Draymond would cross up defenders and finish layups at the rim. He would make threes. He just moved differently at that stage of his career. He wasn’t a calcified mummy who shattered rims with his three-point bricks.
Yesterday, Draymond tried one three that had zero shot of making it the moment it left his hands, but he was aggressive going to the basket when he had the ball in transition. That’s why he had seven free throw attempts. He was putting pressure on the rim during fast breaks. I appreciated that. One of the two made field goals that Draymond had (2-3 lol) was an exquisite fake dribble hand-off that gave me confidence in him not submarining the Warriors offense. I still kind of think that Steve Kerr is going to play Draymond too much and it’s going to kill the Warriors offense, but yesterday it worked out.
On defense, Draymond was actually making plays, unlike game 1. He was poking balls and getting deflections. Good job Draymond.
When he goes to the bench and puts on the blue jacket, he looks old. Like he needs the jacket to stay warm even though he’s in a full sweat. Draymond from 2016 wouldn’t put on the warmup jacket the second he went to the bench. Oh, and good for Draymond that he doesn’t take the court for the national anthem. That’s a courageous statement if I’ve ever seen one.
Another courageous statement is the bright orange warmups that the Warriors wore to protest gun violence. I’m sure lots of young men in America saw Jordan Poole wearing that orange cutoff before checking in, and decided not to go get that AR-15 and smoke a bunch of poor, Hispanic schoolchildren in Texas.
But shout out to Jordan Poole! That forty-footer at the buzzer right in P Rabbit’s face was electric. Jordan Poop rediscovered some of his early playoff magic in this game. I appreciated it as someone who picked the Warriors to cover.
That third-quarter show that Chef Curry put on, made me say “WOW” multiple times. Thank you Chef Curry. I feel like this is the best playoff run of his career. At thirty-four! There isn’t a lot to say about Steph. He was on fire and the Celtics have a problem trying to guard him without completely puncturing their defense and allowing dunks from Looney Tunes. Speaking of dunks, in 2016 Draymond Green could dunk a basketball during a game! It was a different time indeed. When I saw Draymond dunk in that game 7, it shattered my brain. Safe to say, Draymond will not be dunking the basketball in this series against the Celtics. Looney Tunes will though! Looney Tunes was phenomenal in game 2. Now, he has a strange inability to prevent Jaylen Brown from leaving him in the dust with a crossover, but he can shut down Soft Jayson Tatum with relative ease.
Action Network emailed me saying that Andrew Wiggins to score the first points at +800 was a good bet. Lo and behold, Andrew Wiggins makes the first points on a three that was drawn up for him. Shout out to Action Network and anyone who took their advice on that bet. Overall, Andrew Wiggins played poorly but he wasn’t Klay Thompson! Andrew is missing lots of close shots that he should be making but he was on the floor when the Warriors broke the game in the third quarter. If the Warriors decide between Andrew Wiggins and Jordan Poole, this series will convince them to pick Andrew if they indeed chose one. “Neither can live while the other survives” applied to Voldemort and Harry and maybe it applies to Wiggins and Poole.
Unlike after game 1, I wasn’t afraid to check the stats after game 2. There was no risk of me throwing up or smashing something after seeing Draymond Green’s stats after game 2. Klay Thompson was a 0 plus minus for the game in a twenty-point win. He was that bad. Klay is taking lots of shots and missing most of them. Him and Draymond are why the Warriors will lose this series. Steve Kerr is a nice guy which is great for him but not great for the teams he coaches. Coach Kerr is going to stick with Klay and Draymond even though they are dragging the team down. Coach Kerr believes in all that loyalty bullshit. Steve Kerr is no Bill Belichek. He’s no Taylor Hart. That’s good for Steve and his friends and family. It’s not good for Steph Curry, Joe Lacob and all the Warriors fans who want to win this championship and scream about how fucking legitimate Chef Curry is. Fuck you Steve Kerr. Bench Klay Thompson. Pussy.
Otto Porter made a corner three. He’s comfortable taking these open threes and he is mission-critical to this Warriors team. I’m a big fan of Otto. He’s really good, he just gets injured a lot.
Gary Payton II made a three! He had a ridiculous plus-minus. Maybe it was the right decision to roster him instead of Avery Bradley. I also buy Gary Payton II defense. He doesn’t get pushed around by Soft Jayson Tatum or Jaylen Brown. Gary Payton II moves well laterally. He moves like he's done a Pilates class, unlike Jaylen Brown.
It’s interesting watching Nemanja Bjelica be much better than Draymond Green on offense and remember that he toiled away in obscurity on the bench of the Sacramento Queens. Maybe Vivek will insist that the team sign him back now that Nemanja is playing in The Finals for these Warriors.
I felt like the Celtics just missed shots in that game more than I thought that the Warriors put on some herculean defensive effort. The box score shows that the Celtics turned it over a bunch and that’s maybe why Al Horford only shot the ball four times. The Celtics besides Soft Jaylen Tatum and Jaylen Brown didn’t get enough shot attempts.
Marcus Smart was dreadful in that game. Lots of missed threes and the most turnovers on the team. He also tried to dive for a loose ball and made significant contact with Taylor Hart Niche Team captain Robert Williams III’s knees. I got scared that Marcus tore those fragile knee ligaments but I guess not. My team captain kept playing.
The Celtics just played shitty. The first half was close though. Going forward I think the Celtics are much better. Way bigger, more athletic. There are no toxic team dynamics where the coach is sentimental about what happened five years ago and can’t see the reality of today. Big Dick Al Horford is going to bounce back. Grant Williams is going to have a moment. I can’t wait for Wednesday.
Oh and I almost forgot. I guess I’m game 1, Cocaine Nose Mark Jackson said that all the Warriors had to do better was “execution”, and when the Warriors made a shot, Cocaine Nose said “there, they executed”. I’m not sure about this happening since as you know, I watch these games with the broadcast muted, but that’s very funny. I don’t know how anyone watches these games with the broadcast on when Mark Jackson and Mark Jones are the commentators. They’re both awful. Mark Jones is one of those parents who tries to “be cool” by repeating what they hear their kids saying. I can’t stand Mark Jones, and I think the ear that he has pierced should be cut off with a machete and cauterized with a hot branding iron. Mark Jones is a Canadian Terrorist. He’s an Uncle Tom who married a white woman because he doesn’t like Blacks. If Mark Jones were a slave, he would be one of those slaves who stuck around the plantation even after the civil war ended and he wasn’t legally bound to his owner. Screw Mark Jones.
2022 NBA ATS record: 44-39
CELTICS (-3.5) over Warriors ️-
I’ve been excited to make this pick. I’m confident that the Celtics are way better than the Warriors. Celtics in 5.

🎶 I have confidence in Robert
I have confidence in Brown
I have confidence that the Celtics will win again
Besides, which you see
I have confidence in me
Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers, and P Rabbit putting that dick in your mouth 🎶
Shout out to Richard Rodgers and Julie Andrews. Somehow my magical brain came up with that song to associate my inner jubilee with that ass-pounding that the Celtics put on the Warriors. I had no idea that there were lyrics in that song which contradicted the dumbass Warriors slogan, “Strength in Numbers”. When I saw that those were the lyrics to “I Have Confidence” on the Google machine, it just reaffirmed that my brain is a nuclear weapon and since I’ve read “The Inner Game Of Tennis”, there is nothing stopping me from being a goddamn superGenius who picks WINNER$ and writes the best postgame write-ups in this universe and all of it’s parallel corollaries. LETS FUCKING GO. I’m excited to write this, and I’ve been excited to write this ever since that canary Steve Kerr put in my Congolese prince Jonathan Kuminga into the game to wave the white flag.
My Silvana Mojica spidey-senses were triggered in the first quarter. I don’t know what these camera people have against Silvana, but she doesn’t get nearly the amount of screen-time that she deserves. Somehow the rotund, sweaty bleach-blonde, trailer-trash queens of Dallas got the most screen-time of any female audience members that I can remember. Maybe the fact that TNT broadcasted those games had something to do with it. The good, Christian people of ESPN/ABC are too pious to blatantly find the hot chicks in the crowd. Whatever. I don’t need their assistance. I can geo-locate them without a helping hand from the horny camera-MAN. Especially when Silvana is involved. She wasn’t sitting court-side, nor was she sitting next to Dave Portnoy for some strange reason. Sister Silvana was sitting one row behind court-side, behind the 28 foot line on the Warriors side of the court. She was wearing a white top. Not something that would start World War Three, but definitely something that would turn any man into her personal hit-man if she ever asked. During most of the game, there were only flashes of her which lasted less than a quarter of a second. I finally had more than a second of Silvana Screen Time (SST) when Donkey Draymond was arguing with Courtney Kirkland after that loose ball foul which I believe was Donkey Dray’s sixth foul. Overall, this Beantown crowd was light years ahead of the Crazy Rich Asians and Reptile CEO Women of San Francisco. Beantown also has Frankenstein’s Monster sitting courtside. I always notice that dude. He’s bald, has a giant head, and yesterday he was wearing a green Larry Bird shirt.
This game was awesome since I picked the Celtics to cover. Picking the team that doesn’t play Donkey Kong Draymond, or “Donkey Dray”, is a fun time. The Warriors made it interesting towards the end of the third quarter, but that just made the Celtics cyclone that followed, that much more satisfying. Fuck that was a great game. Celtics first.
Robert Williams III!!! MY CAPTAIN!!! If I was a slave owner, and Robert Williams III was my slave, I would let him fuck my white daughter. God bless that man. He would get Reverse Thomas Jefferson privileges. Just look at his stats! Four blocks, three steals, ten rebounds in a little more than twenty minutes! On ONE FUCKING LEG!!! Bruh, Robert Williams III has been my man ever since he did that windmill dunk in that tournament game and he’s great. Now, he didn’t have any assists but he also didn’t get the ball poked away under the rim. Zero turnovers from Robert. There were some online publications that were advocating for taking the Unders regarding Robert Williams III’s game totals yesterday. He went over in every category. Unless you bet his assist total. If you bet Robert Williams III Unders, we can’t be friends. Actually, it’s more serious than that. If you bet Robert Williams III Unders, and I find out about it, you can never put me in a position where I can hurt you.
Because I will.
I will never forget that you bet against the Taylor Hart Niche Team captain, and I will hold it against you forever. If you bet against Robert Williams III and you have a dog, I will rent a car so that I can let your dog out of your yard and run it over on the street. Right in front of your house. Then I will leave Fido and his flattened rib-cage out in front of your home so that you can see your dearly departed family friend be eaten by flies before Animal Services comes to pick up your dead dog. Now I know that sounds extreme, but I love Robert Williams III and I just can’t tolerate any negative energy being put on his name in any way, shape, or form. You wanna put that negative energy out there, don’t let me find out.
Robert Williams III had four blocks, and it should’ve been five because they called a foul on him when Klay Thompson drove to the rim against him and used his left arm as a barricade to prevent Robert from blocking his layup attempt. Refs called a dubious foul on Robert so Klay shot two free throws. Oh well. When Robert blocked that Steph Curry layup, I screamed. Robert was getting major elevation on his ally-oop dunks as well. God bless Robert Williams III. You know what else he did besides protect the rim and throw down ally-oops? He got a bunch of loose balls that helped the Celtics keep their turnovers manageable. Playing injured. Robert Williams III is better than Anthony Davis. There, I said it. Robert Williams III has this big thing called Mental Toughness. Something Anthony Davis is alien to. You don’t see Robert Williams III dressing like he’s going to Paris Fashion Week when he’s too injured to play. Robert Williams III has shame. He has some awareness.
Two things that I believe which are probably a little too old-timey when it comes to player evaluation are my intolerance for players having their own podcasts and players who dress for Instagram when they’re not playing. You won’t find any players who do those things on the Taylor Hart Niche Team. On my team, you do blow and fuck strippers during your free-time. Not secure ZipRecruiter advertising or color coordinate with some Jack-off “fashion consultant”.
The Celtics won convincingly, and Soft Jayson Tatum made some big shots, especially towards the end of the game, but in the beginning I felt like Soft Jayson Tatum was detrimental to a winning effort. His missed layups where he crashed into the cameramen aren’t counted as turnovers, but they result in the same outcome as errant Marcus Smart passes that get intercepted. With a Warriors fast break that ends with a Steph three or and Andrew Wiggins dunk. Then Soft Jayson Tatum gets up, makes a hideous face and flings his arms everywhere in protest against the refs not awarding him two free throws. I find that behavior distasteful. Soft Jayson Tatum needs to take a page out of Jimmy Butler’s playbook and not pay attention to the refs in that way. I think that is beyond Soft Jayson Tatum’s abilities though. Soft Jayson Tatum is someone who texts Kobe’s old phone and shares that text with the world after Soft Jayson misses a bunch of midrange pull-ups. That’s not someone you can go to battle with. That’s someone who needs things handed to them. I’ve really soured on Soft Jayson after I was pronouncing him Top 5 in the world after that series against the Fucks, but I must admit, Soft Jayson made enough shots yesterday and his defense is legit.
Last thing about Soft Jayson. Towards the end of the game when the Celtics were up ten and trying to slow the game down, Soft Jayson was dribbling aimlessly with Andrew Wiggins defending him. I could tell that Soft Jayson was about to get pickpocketed, and that’s exactly what happened. Drew Hanlan needs to teach Soft Jayson how to bend his ass lower to the ground and stop dribbling waist-high. Andrew Wiggins deserves that respect as a defender.
These Jaylen Brown dunks are awesome. He’s exploding. Oh, and his blocks are pretty savage as well. His fourth quarter one-on-one defense was sensational. I want to hear Hubie Brown speak on this sensational play from Jaylen Brown. I also want Jaylen Brown to murder Donkey Dray on a dunk like DeAndre Jordan did to Brandon Knight. Side-note, I remember where I was when I first saw that highlight of the Brandon Knight beheading. Donkey Dray blocked a Jaylen Brown layup attempt and talked to Jaylen about it afterwards. Donkey Dray is going to get murked in one of these next few games. Someone is going to attack the rim with the sole intention of inflicting as much corporal harm on Donkey Dray as possible. I can’t wait to see that occur.
Jaylen Brown was making lots of threes to start this game. Then he started calling for isos and continuing his offensive tour-de-force. He only had two turnovers yesterday!!!! Jaylen Brown is playing some excellent, Jungle Beast basketball and I love it. Donkey Dray woke up the monster.
Marcus Smart had five turnovers again, and they were the kind that resulted in fast break points, but Marcus was making shots. When Marcus makes shots, the Celtics don’t lose. I like it when Marcus takes Steph one on one near the basket. I trust Marcus to make those turnaround twelve footers and those strong hook shots after giving a shoulder to Chef Curry. Marcus needs to hurt Steph when Steph is guarding him, and yesterday Marcus did that. He also made some threes which made me very happy. Did Marcus Smart get any steals or blocks? No. He mind-fucked the voting media into awarding him DPOY when it should have gone to Robert Williams III but oh well. Robert will be happy with the championship ring.
I will note that I noticed the Celtics do a good job of communicating their defensive switching in the half court. That’s a nerdy insight but I just felt like they cleanly handed off assignments when there were screens. The Warriors scored 100, but it felt like they had an awful time scoring when the Celtics didn’t give them live-ball turnovers, or Soft Jayson Tatum missed a layup and took himself out of the ensuing defensive play.
P Rabbit made a three! My memory is a little hazy about this, but I also think he had a strong defensive possession where he poked the ball away and stood up to the offensive player after the ball went out of bounds. In my imagination, P Rabbit was saying, “come at me nigger. I’ll kill your whole fucking family and when I’m done, I’ll eat them!” I’m sure he didn’t say that with his words, but P Rabbit said that with his body language and how he stepped forward to the Warrior who tried to take P Rabbit one on one. P Rabbit was +15 in ten minutes. Salute 🫡 to the fucking general.
Grant Williams was more noticeable for doing the “too small” taunt on the bench whenever Donkey Dray got scored on than for anything he did in the game. I’m thinking about the play where Robert Williams III missed a shot over Donkey Dray but got the offensive rebound and made the ensuing lay in over Donkey Dray. Indeed, Donkey Dray is too small for Robert Williams III. I’m anticipating a game where Grant makes three threes in game 4. Grant is coming for Donkey Dray’s throat next game.
Derrick White had a startlingly awful plus minus but he had that one play where he forced Steph to pass out of a fast break three to an open dunk from The Mitten. Somehow, Alien Eyes White got back to the rim in time to foul The Mitten and make The Mitten convert two free throws. That was an amazing defensive effort. Chef Curry is doing unholy things while Alien Eyes White is trying to guard him, but you can’t ask for anything more from Alien Eyes White. He gets the Taylor Hart Stamp Of Approval (THSOA) for his game 3. I think his bad plus minus had more to do with Chef Curry being unguardable than it had to do with any poor play from Alien Eyes White.
Now for the Warriors.
If there was a bet you could take to wager on Donkey Dray fouling out of that game, you would be a fool not to have taken that. His stat line would be something that would preclude me from ever looking at the box score if I took the Warriors to cover the 3.5 points. People in the media can jerk themselves off talking about how Donkey Dray is a “winner” who is smart or whatever, but in his current form, Donkey Dray isn’t very good. He dunked the ball though! Two hands, two feet! I was flabbergasted when that happened. At this point in the playoffs, refs don’t give techs, they give you fouls. When you go spouting off about how you’re outsmarting the refs, they’re going to foul you out in the next game. Especially if you play like Donkey Dray and commit lots of fouls that usually go uncalled. Not very smart by Donkey Dray.
Chef Curry was fucking ridiculous. These 8-0 runs that the Warriors go on in half a minute are because of the everlasting conflagration that is Chef Curry on offense. I remember those Finals games where the Warriors played the Cavs in 2016 and being constantly afraid of Kyrie Irving on offense. Chef Curry is like that for me when I pick the Celtics to cover. Just a constant source of trepidation where you never feel safe with any lead when Chef Curry is on the court. Marcus Smart and Al Horford abused Chef Curry in interior defense but all of Chef Curry’s sins on defense will be pardoned. He’s dragging this lowkey bad offensive Warriors team.
Jordan Poop made an appearance. Everyone that pointed out that Poop only scores when the Warriors are up twenty was validated yesterday. Poop isn’t even trying to shoot when the scoring margin is below ten. He’s not looking like a max extension guy and he’s making me look smart for saying that if the Warriors were to pick between him and Wiggins, they’d be wise to pick Wiggins.
Speaking of Wiggy, he stripped Soft Jayson Tatum on that one possession in the fourth quarter and he did a phenomenal job on defense the whole game. Wiggy even made some close shots. He didn’t overwhelm me with a sense that he was missing close shots yesterday. Actually, I came away from yesterday’s game thinking that Wiggins was playing dogged defense. He’s playing with effort. Not nearly as much as Robert Williams III, but probably the most on the Warriors. It’s between him and Looney Tunes.
Looney Tunes was fine. When you play the game called “Count the Points” with the Warriors in these playoff games, you can tally fourteen points from Looney Tunes and still be credible. He had a layup between three Celtics defenders in the first half yesterday that was great.
Klay Thompson made shots yesterday and the Warriors still lost! Maybe it had to do with the fact that the Celtics scored 116 points. If everyone playing the Warriors is such a good defender besides Steph, how are the Celtics scoring so much? Maybe it’s because Klay isn’t so great on defense. I’m so excited for the Warriors to lose this Finals and trade Klay and James Wiseman to the Queens for Harrison Barnes and their fourth pick. The Warriors can do that after they fire Canary Kerr for falling in love with Donkey Dray and Handsome Squidward Thompson.
2022 NBA ATS record: 45-39
CELTICS 🍀 (-4) over Warriors ⚡️-
You could point out that the games have flipped between the Warriors and Celtics for the three games and then point to that as a reason that the Warriors will cover game 4. That’s specious reasoning. My “Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs” was that Grizzlies-Warriors game after Ja Morant got hurt. I think that was the game 3 in San Francisco where the Grizzlies were 8.5 point underdogs. I’m not sure if the Grizzlies won that game. They won one of those games in San Francisco. Anyways, I’m not backing off my belief that the Celtics are better than the Warriors. I’m not making this my second “Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs” though. I’ll just leave it as an honorable mention FYPOTP. I have confidence in these Celtics! I have confidence in me!!!! LETS FUCKING GOOO

Jesus walks with them.
Above everything else, this is an attempt at achieving a respectable winning percentage in side picks against the spread for every playoff game. I’m not upset with my decision to take the Celtics yesterday. It’s not a pick I regret. What Chef Curry did yesterday was unconscionable. Truly exceptional. That’s the thing that Kevin Durant took from all of us when he decided to sign with San Francisco and ruin the NBA for however many years that thing stuck together. I was one of those people that believed that Steph was better than LeBron in 2016 and now that yesterday happened, I’m going to pretend like I never wavered in that belief. Now that yesterday happened, there can be no more questioning of Steph’s greatness. He is Basketball Jesus. The Warriors had nothing yesterday except Basketball Jesus. That will be Steph’s nickname from this moment forward. Basketball Jesus. RIP Chef Curry. Gandalf the Grey fell into the pit with whatever that creature was to re-emerge as Gandalf The White and Steph Curry went into TD Garden against Robert Williams III and re-emerged as Basketball Jesus.
The Warriors are like those stranded people in that movie which keeps getting shown during commercial breaks. The movie about some people who get stranded on safari and have to deal with all the critters of the Serengeti without guns. All those people had was Idris Elba and a heavy flashlight and all the Warriors have is Basketball Jesus and some bone-crushing Looney Tunes on-ball screens.
I’m sorry for bringing up Kyrie Irving’s name when comparing what I’m seeing from Basketball Jesus on offense to anything I remember from the past. Nothing from the past is comparable to what Basketball Jesus is doing with this broken-down Jeep of a Warriors team.
Basketball Jesus has broken this defense that retired Kevin Durant, tired out Giannis Antetokounmpo, and turned Bam Adebayo into Dobby The House Elf. With nothing except a Looney Tunes screen. I’m watching this game rooting for the Celtics because I picked them to cover, but I can’t be upset with what Basketball Jesus is doing. He needs to win this championship. Having said that, (spoiler alert) I’m picking the Celtics in every game going forward. If Basketball Jesus wants to keep doing what he did in game 4, I will tip my proverbial cap to him and eat my losses while enjoying the show.
I’ve never seen NBA players watch their teammate go off like Basketball Jesus did, with as much obvious reverence. I’m thinking about The Mitten lying stomach-down near the team bench in the fourth quarter while Basketball Jesus was sucking the soul out of the entire Celtics team. Jordan Poole (today, he deserves his birth name, barely) looking at Basketball Jesus rom the bench with a look that said, “I can’t believe this is real life”. My Congolese prince is looking like a fourteen-year-old in obvious awe of a varsity star.
Every second of this two-day break between games, I will mentally replay Basketball Jesus screaming and flexing after hitting one of his impossible shots. I’m not sure which shot preceded this particular celebration but the celebration I’m thinking of occurred with all of Basketball Jesus’ teammates just standing on the court and looking at Him like He was some kind of ethereal being. I’m going to think about that possession in the fourth quarter where the captain of my hypothetical rag-tag NBA team, Robert Williams III was isolated on Basketball Jesus and it looked like Robert literally just quit trying to guard Him before He made a don’t-give-a-fuck one-handed runner. I’m going to think about how obviously scared shitless Al Horford is whenever he has to guard Him on the perimeter. I’m going to think about Alien Eyes White playing defense as well as you can play it, only to have Basketball Jesus make an impossible three. I’m going to think about SOFT Jayson Tatum trying to guard Basketball Jesus and be just as hopeless as everyone else is at preventing Him from perfectly swishing a three. Goddamn, Basketball Jesus is fucking incredible. Seriously, fuck Kevin Durant for taking that away from us. How many more games like game 4 of this Finals series would we have had if Kevin Durant didn’t ruin the league? Basketball Jesus is 34. I’m not sure how many more chances He has at showing us what He showed us yesterday.
As I watched the game on mute with my mother sitting near me, I just kept muttering, “He’s so good”.
I guess this the Warriors won and I started this with the coronation of Basketball Jesus, I’ll unload the clip on the rest of this undeserving Warriors team, but before that I need to mention that the thing that made my mom say “wow” wasn’t what Basketball Jesus did. What made my mom say “wow” were the frightening blocks that Robert Williams III made. Those things are incredible. Don’t forget that I told you that Robert Williams III was better than Anthony Davis on June 9th, 2022. I’ll finish my thoughts on Robert Williams III after I’m done dismissing this faggoty San Francisco team.
There are a few Warriors that deserve to be on Basketball Jesus’ team. One of those players in Nemanja Bjelica who SHUT DOWN bitchass Jayson Tatum AND Jungle Beast Jaylen Brown!!! Nemanja was better than Donkey Dray on defense yesterday. It was really obvious that Soft Jayson Tatum was telling all of his teammates to stop everything and watch him score off of isos against Nemanja Bjelica. Only, Nemanja SHUT HIS ASS DOWN. Soft Jayson Tatum does that a lot. Whenever he isos against someone who he thinks doesn’t deserve the privilege of guarding his bitch-ass, Soft Jayson Tatum inevitably ends up bricking a midrange pull-up or crashing into cameramen after missing a layup and causing a five-on-four fast break.
Nemanja had a dance with Jungle Beast Jaylen and got Jungle beast to lose the ball dribbling off his foot. Soft Jayson Tatum fouled the shit out of Nemanja on a fast break but old, fat James Capers couldn’t be bothered to run to the baseline so that he could see it. James decided to call out-of-bounds, Warriors ball. Overall, this was a well-officiated game, but that play sticks out as an egregious miscall. I’m impressed that Kane Fitzgerald didn’t start a riot.
So yeah, Nemanja Bjelica got STOPS. If someone asks you how the Warriors held the Celtics to 97 points, you can say with a straight face that it was because Nemanja Bjelica totally locked down whoever he was guarding. “Whoever” being mostly Soft Jayson Tatum but also including Jungle Beast Jaylen Brown.
Another Warrior who deserves to not be on the Shit List is Looney Tunes. His plus-minus was eye-popping and it was accurate of his impact on the game in my estimation. Looney Tunes is a big problem in the offensive glass. My captain Robert Williams III can’t prevent Looney Tunes from allowing the Warriors to get offensive rebounds that lead to Klay Thompson threes. Mom asked me if there’s only one person on the team who is supposed to get rebounds and I said that on this Warriors team, yes, it’s that number 5 dude. Looney Tunes proceeded to get more rebounds after I pointed that out. He’s admirably serving Basketball Jesus.
The last Warrior who deserves to be extricated from the Shit List is obviously Andrew Wiggins. He’s getting Wiggy with it. I’m that game 4, he was making midrange fadeaways and playing with a lot of force. His 16 rebounds were evidence of his dogged play. I believe I said that if the Warriors decide to move forward with only one of Wiggins or Poole, they would be Wiseman to pick Wiggins. Yesterday made that assertion obvious. Wiggins is more of a man than Soft Jayson Tatum. Wiggins’ chest hair is absolutely off the chain. I would be honored to snort a few lines with Mitchell Wiggins in celebration of his son pulling this shit off in the motherfucking NBA Finals after toiling away in Basketball Siberia.
If Minnesota was Basketball Siberia under Glen Taylor, Sacramento is the Basketball Sahara desert where the only thing that can live are Fennec (De’Aaron) Foxes.
Ok, now for the dogshit Warriors. Klay Thompson made an ass of himself complaining about the Boston fans saying “fuck Draymond” with kids in the stands. That’s some real rat shit from Klay Thompson. What’s infinitely more detestable than the Boston fans cursing out Donkey Dray is Donkey’s treatment of refs. Kids see that and think that’s ok. They think they are entitled to scream to their youth league officials because Donkey Dray is unloading his frustrations out on the NBA refs. Klay Thompson can’t say that though because that requires a certain cutting insightfulness that Squidward Thompson doesn’t have. Squidward Thompson is only capable of calling Boston people racists and “classless” because that’s the popular, easy quip about Boston. Squidward Thompson doesn’t think critically. If he did, he wouldn’t take so many awful, contested midrange shots or attempt threes during three-on-one fast breaks that miss. I’m really souring on Squidward Thompson. That dude is a faggot. I really hope he gets traded to the Basketball Sahara Desert.
Donkey Dray had four steals but he had two points because his offense is beyond broken. Canary Kerr benched his Donkey ass in the fourth quarter finally. Canary Kerr is like Squidward Thompson and only capable of saying/thinking the easiest thing that will get him applause from bots on the Twitter, but Canary Kerr finally took a small step towards playing Donkey Dray less yesterday. Canary Kerr was subbing out Donkey Dray on offensive possessions late in the fourth quarter and that made me smile. Donkey Dray is picking up his dribble at the three-point line and submarining the Warriors half-court offense every time he does it. He’s not attacking the rim on fast breaks like he did in game 2. It’s coaching malpractice that Canary Kerr plays Donkey Dray so much but Canary Kerr is a nice guy, so he’ll keep doing it. Canary Kerr will also keep wearing an N95 not just to protect him, but to protect everyone else. The world would be a utopia of fairness and kindness if everyone could be like Canary Kerr.
As I said before, Jordan Poole deserves to keep his birth name over this weekend but he wasn’t close to what he was earlier in the playoffs. Having said that, he did make some shots and the Celtics were held to 97 points so he wasn’t a complete defensive tire-fire. Now, that was mostly because Soft Jayson Tatum made the mistake of going at Nemanja Bjelica, but whatever. Jordan Poole admirably served Basketball Jesus in game 4. Good for him.
I’m beyond disgusted with Soft Jayson Tatum and I’m mortified that I pronounced him top 5 after that Fucks series. I’m a dangerous person to be around after I see Soft Jayson miss a layup and vociferously complain to the refs that he was hacked. His son Deuce Tatum doesn’t deserve the annual “Cute NBA Playoff Kid” treatment. Deuce Tatum needs to have a death match against Riley Curry. Riley is much older and would be the one that emerged from that battle with their life and I would be happy with that. Soft Jayson Tatum isn’t someone who can have his cute kid be famous just because Soft Jayson Tatum is a basketball player. Soft Jayson Tatum is an embarrassment to his family and he’s an embarrassment to St. Louis. He doesn’t deserve to have Nelly come watch him make an ass of himself in Boston. Oh yeah, and Soft Jayson Tatum missed a bunch of free throws in game 4. Fucking faggot.
Between my mental reimagining of what Basketball Jesus did on Friday, I’m going to think about Soft Jayson Tatum making those hideous, pathetic scrunched-up facial expressions because he thinks it’s such an injustice to have the refs not call a foul on every single one of his drives. I want Ime Udoka to gather the team and just watch clips of Soft Jayson Tatum trying and miserably failing to score on Nemanja Bjelica while Ime calls Soft Jayson a soft little pussy. That would make me smile.
Marcus Smart had good stats yesterday but his play made me angry. He was indecisive during the first three quarters and watching him carry the ball while wildly pointing to everyone else to move around on offense made me livid. Marcus would dribble, bitch to his teammates, and then try an ill-fated drive. Marcus isn’t very fast and explosive. He’s like a less athletic, less strong Jrue Holiday. I don’t like Marcus Smart and I will keep repeating that the DPOY that he won was a historically egregious error on the voting media’s part. He’s a fucking fraud. Marcus Smart only makes threes when his teammates are making threes and the Celtics are already up by at least five points. When the Celtics are down, Marcus Smart will greedily shoot threes and not come close to making them. Despicable.
The part of Marcus Smart’s offensive game that I like is when he drives to the rim and fades away in the painted area. His shot from ten to fifteen feet is automatic. When things aren’t going well for the Celtics on offense, Marcus needs to take that shot. Not a catch-and-shoot three.
Have you heard Marcus Smart talk? If you haven’t, try to go the rest of your life without hearing that.
P Rabbit was bad yesterday and it wouldn’t be fair of me not to point that out. He missed his threes and even missed a free throw. The Celtics need P Rabbit to come into these games when Marcus Smart is fucking everything up and instill some cogent ball-handling and shooting into the Celtics offense but yesterday, P Rabbit didn’t come close to doing that. I still love P Rabbit but I was disappointed with yesterday's effort. He absolutely traveled on that possession that ended with Jordan Poole fouling him and I lived that Canary Kerr got a technical for complaining about it. Soft Jayson Tatum missed that free throw. Canary Kerr shows his true colors with the technicals he gets. Canary Kerr fronts to the world that he’s this harmless White, but I see him for what he is. A real asshole who I would send to Auschwitz if I was the World Leader.
Robert Williams III was fucking incredible yesterday and he somehow played 31 minutes. Having said that, his pick-and-roll defense gives me heart palpitations because he doesn’t come up high enough and he gets cooked trying to guard one on one out on the perimeter because he’s playing on one hood leg. Still, he’s awesome and Soft Jayson Tatum needs to stop being such a faggot so that Robert can lead this team to the championship.
Jungle Beast Jaylen Brown is roasting Donkey Dray on defense. It’s like how Soft Jayson Tatum thinks it will go when he attempts to score on Nemanja out on an island. Jungle Beast Jaylen was making some ridiculous layups yesterday and for that, I will forgo pointing out that he has the hood of an eighty-year-old man. I’m quite pleased with how Jungle Beast Jaylen is playing. Light years ahead of Soft Jayson Tatum.
Al Horford is playing like his dick has shriveled up in freezing ocean water. All of his six shots yesterday were threes. He needs to get his dick out of the water and go to the rim with violence. Did you know that his wife is 6’-2”?!? Obviously she’s a Miss Universe from the DR, but I guess some of her family is from Spain. She needs to remind Al Horford about what a hog he has and get him to play like the AL HORFORD that made me make a bunch of SnapChat videos of me screaming his name because the shit that’s happening right now isn’t going to cut it if the Celtics are going to win.
Alien Eyes White was money from three yesterday and he got a charitable foul called on Looney Tunes which gave him some undeserved free throws. Alien Eyes White is the best free throw shooter on the Celtics and he’s making these catch-and-shoot threes like he’s Kyle Korver. Big shout out to Alien Eyes White for his effort yesterday. Very nice. Unfortunately, Alien Eyes White has the task of guarding Basketball Jesus which is completely impossible. Sorry, Alien Eyes.
Grant “Pygmy Hippo” Williams needs to make some corner threes. He’s really letting me down.
I couldn’t find Silvana Mojica in the crowd. I guess she only sits next to Dave Portnoy when they sit courtside at Heat games. 21 Savage was sitting close to the court, which was cool. Frankenstein’s Monster was sitting in the same spot he was in for game 3. I think he was sitting with his daughter. Joe Lacob was courtside and the concerned facial expressions that he was making made me think that the Warriors were in dire straights. Then Basketball Jesus brought life to their carcass. Light years ahead, indeed.
2022 NBA ATS record: 45-40 (FUCK)
Celtics (+3.5) over WARRIORS ️-
If Basketball Jesus is going to keep doing what he did during game 4, then I’ll happily accept these losing Celtics picks. But the Celtics have insane credentials following a loss. I watched game 4, and even though the Celtics lost, I don’t come away from that thinking that they were the wrong side to take coming into that game. Basketball Jesus happened. Give me the Celtics and Soft Jayson Tatum and his undeserving son Deuce.

Mitchell Wiggins and I are racing through the White Line Highway, telling all of our friends that they can come our way!!! Seriously though, I’ve never done enough blow in one sitting to feel the high which neuters my ability to think of what Mitchell and I would do together after the celebratory lines we snorted after game 5. Mitchell would help me take enough to really feel it while not snorting so much that I overdose. After our noses get numb, we would head out to bars where I would get in fights with bouncers while Mitchell gregariously talked to strangers totally ignorant of the maelstrom I started with the bouncer right behind him.
The uber over to the drinking establishment would be fun though! Mitchell and I would giddily scream about MAPLE JORDAN and our Hispanic uber driver would feel the party enough to take off her mask and laugh with us about what a little bitch Soft Jayson Tatum is. She would have no idea what we’re talking about but she would appreciate the genuine energy we had in appreciation of MAPLE JORDAN. After the police take me away, Mitchell would come back down and go back home to Mrs. Wiggins.
“Mitchell, have you been using?!?”
(Mitchell doesn’t give a fuck. Like MAPLE JORDAN in Minnesota)
“Hey honey, actually I’m coming down right now and I can’t handle this energy you’re giving me right now…. Hey, how about we do some bumps right now. Just like we used to do in the 80’s?!”
(Mrs. Wiggins is taken aback my Mitchell’s lack of remorse at relapsing into a drug that robbed him of a more successful career as a professional basketballer. She is so shocked, that the earnestness of Mitchell’s request leaves her no choice but to partake)
“Umm… OK. Yeah, let’s do it.”
Mitchell and Mrs. Wiggins take their bumps like a practiced cocaine couple before a rousing night of cracked-out passion. Andrew tries to call them but they obviously don’t answer their phones. Andrew understands that his parents are back on their bullshit. The same bullshit that he grew up with and has caused him to be utterly apathetic to everything in his life until now. Rematches with old teams notwithstanding.
MAPLE JORDAN was outstanding! I was so happy that he dunked that ball in the fourth quarter and had the ball ricochet off of Alien Eyes’ face after it went through the net. The way that MAPLE JORDAN was shooting those midrange jumpers in the first half gave me confidence in him. His release was really smooth. In game 5, MAPLE JORDAN was shoulder-shaking and making midrange jumpers like how Soft Jayson Tatum pretends to. Now, I’m pretty sure that MAPLE JORDAN didn’t make a three and he missed too many free throws which is why his shot attempts are barely less than his points, but those shots that MAPLE JORDAN was making were big-time. In the playoffs, having that player who can match points to shot attempts is a godsend. Especially when the opponent totally melts down like these Celtics did in game 5.
The thing that I will remember most from MAPLE JORDAN’s game 5, isn’t the dunk that he smashed Alien Eyes with, it’s the defensive stand he had against Soft Jayson Tatum in the fourth quarter. Soft Jayson was impotently backing down MAPLE JORDAN from eighteen feet. MAPLE JORDAN stonewalled him. Soft Jayson Tatum didn’t get any closer to the rim, so Soft Jayson tried a pussy fadeaway that airballed. If my memory serves, the broadcast replayed that defensive stand. I hope Jeff Van Gundy nutted in the booth in appreciation of MAPLE JORDAN shoveling another mound of dirt on top of Soft Jayson Tatum’s grave.
MAPLE JORDAN also had a rim attack that ended with a lay-in but displayed the frightening, Jungle Beast athleticism that made MAPLE JORDAN so highly touted as a draft prospect. I forgot who exactly was the defender who prevented that from being a vicious dunk. Probably Shriveled Al Horford.
Game 5 was actually pretty boring and it’s appropriate that a game like that had a seminal MAPLE JORDAN performance.
Nemanja Bjelica didn’t have the game he had in game 4, but there was a possession early in the game where Soft Jayson Tatum tried (and failed) to score on Nemanja and I was quite quizzical that we were going down that road again. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see that Soft Jayson Tatum didn’t learn anything from game 4, but I just assumed that Ime Udoka and company, politely informed Soft Jayson Tatum that having him attack Nemanja one on one wasn’t in the game plan. Maybe Soft Jayson forgot. He probably forgets lots of things.
Does Soft Jayson Tatum want to be a basketball player? I think Soft Jayson Tatum just wants to be an “adult actor”. I think Soft Jayson Tatum just wants everyone to go to the bench and have the crowd watch a random woman from the crowd blow him at half-court while Soft Jayson Tatum does that pose where he puts his hands on his hips. That performance wouldn’t include any of the retarded facial expressions that Soft Jayson makes after the refs don’t give him foul calls. There were lots of those in game 5. Soft Jayson Tatum’s mental toughness is lacking. Actually, it’s not lacking. It’s absent. Just not there in his feeble mind. Soft Jayson Tatum isn’t dunking. I guess he turned 23 and decided that he wasn’t going to dunk anymore. That dunking on LeBron when he was twenty was the last dunk he’d ever do.
Soft Jayson Tatum started this game with off-target passing, not attempting shots and having the ball ripped away from him. Typical impotent performance that we’ve come to expect from Soft Jayson Tatum in this series. Ime took him out of the game at a time that seemed earlier than planned. The soft-benching was well-deserved. Soft Jayson Tatum was totally unprepared to play in this game and shouldn’t have been out there. He set the tone for this feckless Celtics performance and they never really got out of it besides a short stretch in the third quarter where they made eight threes in a row.
Did you notice the ‘24’ tattooed on Soft Jayson Tatum’s left leg? The one that isn’t covered by a black sleeve. Soft Jayson Tatum has absolutely retarded tattoos. His tattoos are retarded because he is retarded. In a previous email, I said that I wanted Deuce Tatum to have a death match with Riley Curry, but that’s not what I really want. What I really want is for Riley Curry to chop Deuce’s head off like a Native American would do to a European Settler and prance around the Curry household with Deuce’s dismembered head at the end of a spear, skipping and laughing about how easy it was to win a death match against the kid of her Dad’s Finals opponent while Steph is sitting on the living room throne and smiling at his daughter’s ruthless beheading of Deuce Tatum.
Maybe if that actually happened, Soft Jayson Tatum would develop some inner fortitude and not completely melt down from start to finish in an NBA Finals game. Soft Jayson Tatum needs to go through some adversity. He also needs to fire his dumbass trainer Drew Hanlan and hire someone who will teach him how to dribble below his waist and actually dribble by defenders so that he can attempt layups instead of I’ll-fated midrange fadeaways. That’s wishful thinking on my part. At this point, I just have to enjoy the ugly faces that Soft Jayson Tatum makes after every bump in the proverbial road.
I’ll probably have a few more things to say about the reprehensible performance that Soft Jayson Tatum gave us yesterday, but I’ll return to the Warriors.
Squidward Thompson finally had a good game yesterday! Thank God, because it was getting bleak. Now it will be a little less far-fetched for the Warriors to trade home with Little Kid James Wiseman to the Queens for Harrison Barnes, Justin Holiday and the number 4 pick. The play of the game for Squidward Thompson was when he sent Marcus Smart skidding twenty feet across the floor before swishing an open three that he had a solid two seconds to get off before any Celtics defender had a chance to put up a performative contest. Squidward Thompson finally had a game that helped out Basketball Jesus and I appreciate it as someone who wants Basketball Jesus to win this championship and get the recognition he deserves.
I’m thankful that yesterday, Squidward Thompson found it within himself to give Basketball Jesus a little bit of help. For all that Basketball Jesus has done for Squidward Thompson, it’s nice that Squidward Thompson relayed the favor a little bit.
Someone else who Basketball Jesus has dragged to stardom is obviously Donkey Dray. Similar to Squidward Thompson, Donkey Dray found salvation and gave Basketball Jesus some goddamn help in game 5. Donkey Dray wasn’t getting roasted by Old Man Jaylen Brown yesterday, unlike how these games have previously played out. Donkey Dray also had a great fake handoff that led to an easy two points. Shriveled Al Horford was who he faked out.
That breakaway fastbreak that Donkey Dray had should’ve ended in an and1 dunk on my captain Robert Williams III. That should’ve been an and1 that lit the building on fire instead of a missed dunk that resulted in two free throws. Robert Williams III didn’t impact Donkey Dray enough to force the missed dunk. Donkey Dray just didn’t have the athleticism or the concentration to finish that slamma jamma.
Donkey Dray started that game 5 great. Even with the broadcast muted, it was obvious that the crowd was ravenously cheering every attempted shot from Donkey Dray. He was actually doing a good job of going up when he had a layup opportunity. That left-hand layup with Robert Williams III closing in on him was nice. There was also another nice layup that Donkey Dray had that was through contact. Idk who exactly it was through. Having said all of that, the Warriors still play Donkey Dray way too much. He refuses to shoot close shots that he needs to shoot. His confidence is still shot. He’s still passing way too much and stopping his dribble at the three-point line a lot. It was cute how Donkey Dray yells at Canary Kerr to challenge his sixth foul and for Canary Kerr to be like, “I did bench your ass in the last game and I’m probably going to have to bench your ass in one of these upcoming games, so I guess I’ll look like a little pussy right now and challenge this foul on you Donkey. This game is over and the Celtics don’t want to play competent basketball, so it doesn’t matter anyway. Challenge initiated!”
You can have a fun time discussing with friends how much Donkey Dray will make after his contract runs out following next season. Contract Year Draymond lol! My answer to my own parlor game is “the veterans minimum”.
The Mitten made another three and that made me happy! He also tripped on himself and tricked the refs into calling a shooting foul for his own incompetence. Oh well. Just as long as Soft Jayson Tatum doesn’t get the free throws that he thinks he deserves, I’m happy.
Overall I appreciated game 5’s officiating. Josh Tiven is a ref that I respect. He makes calls that make me say, “thanks Josh, good call”. Marc Davis is great for giving technicals to people who deserve technicals, but Marc Davis loves Marc Davis a little too much. I liked that he called that tech on Ime and really, I would have liked it even more if he threw Ime out of the game. Ime was probably jonesing to get kicked out and pardoned from having to watch that reprehensible effort from his dogshit basketball team. Marc didn’t oblige.
Tony Brothers looks like those brown things from Mario and he gets a lot of calls wrong. You can’t trust Tony to accurately determine who the ball went off of when it goes out of bounds. I’m thinking about that time when Jaylen Brown and Looney Tunes went up to catch an outlet pass and Jaylen couldn’t come down with it. The ball was off Old Man Jaylen but Tony wanted to give the Celtics another chance at putting the ball in the bucket so he called it out on Looney Tunes. There are times when Tony Brothers will make a call and you can tell he doesn’t feel great about what he just did because when he goes to the scorers table to report what he just saw, he holds himself with both his arms. It’s like he’s hugging himself because he needs emotional support in the moments following bad calls. Tony needs to retire but he’s dedicated his life to being a basketball ref, so he’ll leave five years after he should’ve left.
This game started with lots of Celtics turnovers and they stayed giving the ball to the Warriors throughout the game. Soft Jayson Tatum kept making the ugly face that I have grown to enjoy watching.
Marcus Smart had a full-fledged meltdown that was fun to watch. He made some threes and there was a moment in the middle of the game where he was finding that close, fadeaway shot that I like him taking, but he was falling all over the place, making bad offensive fouls, got a tech, and committing all sorts of shooting fouls. That awful Marcus Smart gave was very entertaining. I love when refs collectively decide to induce meltdowns of players like Marcus Smart and Kyle Lowry. Hopefully, Penis Head Adam Silver will survive his CoCo diagnosis and live to fine Marcus Smart for that game 5 embarrassment.
Oh yeah, speaking of mental breakdowns, you know how Soft Jayson Tatum did that shit after the Celtics called timeout where he just held the ball and walked to the Celtics bench while Donkey Dray followed him and reminded Soft Jayson Tatum about what a little bitch he is?? Yeah, that’s a giant, screaming red flag that someone has completely lost their composure if I’ve ever seen one. I loved watching that. Soft Jayson Tatum is so far gone. How does he not just hand the ball to the baseline ref there?!? Lmao, the Celtics are never getting back to the Finals again with Soft Jayson Tatum and Old Man Jaylen. They were lucky to beat the Fucks this year and there will be another team that forms, which will be able to send this immature Celtics team home in the future. In the meantime, I’ll have my popcorn ready and enjoy watching them shit their pants in these games.
Do you know who the best passer on the Celtics is? It’s Robert Williams III. Now, I don’t currently have access to a computer and the ability to look at all of his assists from game 5 on NBA.com, but my captain Robert Williams III is really good at finding cutters when he has the ball eighteen feet from the rim. You can tell a lot about someone by the way they pass the ball, and I can tell that Robert Williams III is a smart, kind, selfless person by how he passes. He plays a team game every time he takes the court and I appreciate it.
Yesterday this Celtics team was thoroughly incapable of making half-second decisions on offense. Everyone was just catching it and holding it. That’s what happens when Soft Jayson Tatum and Old Man Jaylen Brown lead your team. Greg Popovich is calling Ime Udoka after game 5 and offering pity for the offensive incompetence of these Celtics. The Revenge Spurs, they are not.
Shriveled Al Horford has a rudimentary post game and I don’t understand how that happened. As someone who has a savage post game on offense, it baffles me that these NBA players who are 6’10” can figure out footwork and angles. Shriveled Al Horford has been in the league for over ten years and still can’t pivot around the rim to find an open layup with either hand. His past coaches should be ashamed. Shriveled Al Horford has reduced himself to exclusively shooting catch-and-shoot threes which he’s not making at a great rate. Shriveled Al needs to dribble coast to coast and actually try to make a layup. He’s just happy to dribble to the three-point line and hot potato the ball to a Celtic teammate. Shriveled Al needs to attack the rim when he dribbles. I’ve said that before. Shriveled Al wanted to play in The Finals and now that he’s actually gotten there, he’s playing scared. Not great, Al.
P Rabbit didn’t do anything in this game but he wasn’t Marcus Smart so I felt like the Celtics were wise to play him so much.
Alien Eyes isn’t shooting threes like he used to and the Warriors defenders are ignoring him. That’s another impediment to the Celtics practicing cogent offensive basketball.
Pygmy Hippo had a rebound that made me say, “wow Grant, that was an excellent rebound. Good job!”, but Pygmy Hippo isn’t making threes like he used to. He is making some layups and he did get some free throws so that’s nice.
This Celtics team missed A LOT of free throws. It was abhorrent. Soft Jayson Tatum was the ring leader in this. Is there any more possible ways that Soft Jayson Tatum can show signs of having a mental breakdown?! Missed free throws, awful turnovers, bitching to refs all game, that weird refusal to hand the ball over to Tony Brothers… idk if there are any other ways to show that you just need to go home and cry. Fuck the Celtics.
2022 NBA ATS record: 45-41 (goddamnit)
CELTICS (-3.5) over Warriors ️-
At this point, I enjoy picking the Celtics and watching them implode. It makes me happy. So now if I pick the Celtics and they fuck up, I get an entertaining show and a coronation of Basketball Jesus. If the Celtics cover, then I get a WINNER. Win-win. In case you couldn’t tell, picking every game of these playoffs has broken me. It broke me about two weeks ago. I need this to end. 1-800-GAMBLER.

(It’s the end of June, 3:30 AM, pitch black skies. Soft Jayson Tatum has his whole family out on a yacht in the waters of the Bahamas, trying to get far away from America and the nonstop heckling from people who saw the worst mental breakdown in NBA Finals history. I’m in a black wetsuit. I’ve climbed up the side of the yacht from the ocean water with magical suction cups that allow me to climb up any smooth surface. I have an oxygen tank attached to my back and various tools that I will need to complete my mission.)
“Deuce, wake up.”
Deuce wakes up. He’s too tired to scream about how someone woke him in the middle of the night. When he sees me, Deuce rubs his eyes and starts to wake up. He can feel the energy in the air, like a lion cub who is found all alone by the new pride leader. The pride leader that isn’t their biological parent and whose mission in life is to terminate this cock-block of a lion cub. Deuce is alert now.
“Where’s nana?”
“Nana is gone forever, Deuce.”
Deuce doesn’t understand. It’s too close to his awakening for him to comprehend any spoken words.
“Where’s nana?”
“She’s not coming Deuce.”
Deuce is beginning to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Where’s dada?”
“Excellent question Deuce. I’ll take you to him now. You’ll see dada soon.” After this I inject Deuce with a syringe full of stuff that will make him unconscious for two hours. I’ve scouted the yacht for weeks before now, and I know that Soft Jayson Tatum wakes up at 6AM to walk the deck alone, trying to find peace and mental clarity after having the most dogshit series in Finals history. I tie a cinderblock to Deuce’s leg with a rope before carrying Deuce and the block to the deck, where Soft Jayson will find us during his morning ritual.
Two hours pass. I hear Soft Jayson walking up from the inner housing cavity of the yacht. In preparation, I hang the cinderblock off the side of the yacht, with Deuce above it, held with both my arms. My goggles are over my eyes now, oxygen tank is still attached to my back, foot fins attached to my feet and the harpoon at my side.
Soft Jayson walks up. He sees Deuce in my hands, just waking up from his chemically induced unconsciousness, and breaks into a full sprint towards me. A real sprint, not one of those game 6 half-jogs where he’s slowly getting back on defense after another one of his missed layups.
The deck is 150 feet long and the distance from where Soft Jayson is and where Deuce and I are is too large for Soft Jayson to have any shot at preventing Deuce and me from getting to the water. I drop Deuce into the ocean before jumping in myself. Soft Jayson’s screams follow me into the water and replay through my mind as I swim to the neighboring island where I will emerge from my successful mission. Upon my arrival, I ditch everything on my person, buy new clothes and make arrangements to get back to America. Safe in my certainty that it would be completely impossible for anyone to connect me with what happened on Soft Jayson Tatum’s chartered yacht. Soft Jayson retires from the NBA and everyone is spared from having to go through the truly harrowing experience of having to watch him try to lead a team through the playoffs.
And if Soft Jayson Tatum doesn’t retire, he’ll text his deceased son before playoff games saying, “I got you Deuce.” Soft Jayson will share those texts to his deceased son’s old phone number with the world. Before the game where he soils himself and turns into a self-combusting NBA team land mine.
Really, I’m not sure what else I can say about Soft Jayson Tatum. He had perhaps his worst game of the series in game 6. You’d think that for at least one game, he would bounce back.
No. That did not occur. Soft Jayson Tatum did not bounce back from his word class game 5 meltdown. I looked at the stats after the game. 6-18. No free throw attempts. Five turnovers (I think). I enjoyed seeing the replays of Soft Jayson Tatum’s ill-fated rim runs and seeing a Warrior cleanly poke away the ball before Soft Jayson knocked it out of bounds. I also thoroughly enjoyed the play in the first quarter where MAPLE JORDAN poked the ball out and Soft Jayson got all upset that the refs said it was off of Soft Jayson. Soft Jayson jumped around and threw his arms all over the place. He also made that ugly, scrunched-up face that has become his NBA Finals hallmark.
It’s just incredible how Soft Jayson Tatum picked right up where he left off in his game 5 meltdown. You’d think that 72 hours, a cross-country flight and a change of scenery would allow Soft Jayson to start fresh. Absolutely not. It did for Old Nan Jaylen Brown, but not Soft Jayson Tatum. Why is Deuce allowed to come onto the court and stand next to his dad during the national anthem?
I liked seeing Soft Jayson’s obese mom and aunt sitting court-side. They dress and look like overworked ghetto slaves who were lucky enough to have an NBA player relative who they will drive right back into poverty after his NBA career is over. They very much seem to be people who enjoy the lifestyle that their celebrity relative affords them. It’s the camouflage Louis Vuitton jacket. That’s trashy. That’s “I’m going to start a bunch of unsuccessful car dealerships and restaurants after I retire which will bankrupt me.”
The Celtics need to trade Soft Jayson Tatum. The owner was sitting court-side with his arms folded from the second quarter onward. Basically the entire time following the Celtics quitting halfway into the second quarter. Hopefully the disgusted look on Wyc Grousbeck’s face means that Soft Jayson Tatum and Old Man Jaylen Brown will finally be broken up.
Those Boston fans really deserve a refund. The Celtics really quit halfway into the second quarter in a Game 6 of the NBA Finals. It was a disgusting effort. You could tell from the looks on the faces in the crowd that the home fans were disgusted with their own team. The Celtics scored a pathetic amount of points because on offense, they can’t pass or dribble. Not being able to do those two things is not conducive to a quality NBA offense.
I watched the halftime show (muted of course) because I wanted to see the disgusted looks on the faces of Jalen Rose, Stephen A and the rest of the gang. They kind of disappointed in that regard. Jalen seemed very animated. He seemed like the best of the bunch. The person who came closest to appropriately ripping the Celtics for quitting before halftime. Stephen A just seemed like he was doing his typical routine. Like this wasn’t a moment that demanded him looking into the camera and saying, “I’m disgusted with what I’m seeing from Soft Jayson Tatum and Marcus Smart. This team quit and these fans all deserve a refund for this pathetic, limp-dick performance.”
Stephen A didn’t look like he said that.
Michael Wilbon is a real faggot. All he did was gravely nod his head. He didn’t get animated at all. Michael Wilbon is just there to be the self-serious Black journalists who can talk to both Whites and Blacks. Michael Wilbon is one of those LA Blacks that live in Baldwin Hills, aka Black Beverly Hills (shoutout Quentin Tarantino).
From the moment that the Celtics waved the white flag midway through the second quarter, I just silently watched this game in utter disgust. That third-quarter run that the Celtics had was cute. The crowd convinced themselves that there was a legitimate shot at the Celtics winning, but there was no point in that game where the Celtics had an honest shot at winning.
Al Horford blocked Jordan Poole (who deserves not to be called Jordan Poop) and did that screaming thing he likes to do. Shriveled Al Horford did that in game 5 too, and just like in game 5, it meant nothing. Shriveled Al needed to leave that emotion in Milwaukee. Shriveled Al’s stats were good but he waited until the third quarter to even try and score the ball. In the first half, he was scared to shoot. Content to only pass and screen away. Not a great game from Shriveled Al. At the end of the game, you could see him standing at the bench with his wife and kid in the background. His wife definitely looks Spanish.
Robert Williams III had his typical game where he was the best player on the Celtics. I like watching him pass to P Rabbit. Robert Williams III likes P Rabbit. That’s a relationship I want to see the Celtics cultivate.
Robert Williams III had an absolute dime to Soft Jayson Tatum that led to Soft Jayson’s only dunk of the series. It was wild seeing Soft Jayson dunk the basketball. At least he had the heart to give Robert Williams III his rightful assist. I’ve said before that Robert Williams III is the best passer on the Celtics and that’s true. He doesn’t get the assist numbers that other Celtics get but that’s because he doesn’t have the ball as much. I watch Robert Williams III’s passes and they are the most “crisp” on the team. They’re on target and they aren’t soft. You can tell he passes with touch. Like Old Man Jaylen Brown, but the opposite.
This whole Celtics team struggles to complete passes in a way that is baffling. Old Man Jaylen Brown made a lot of shots in this game 6, and played with heart but he’s infected the whole team with his lockout passes that are five feet away from being remotely catchable.
Sometimes I play with players who struggle to make layups and it infects the whole team with an inability to make easy layups. That’s what Old Man Jaylen Brown does to the Celtics but with passing. If Old Man Jaylen Brown was an NFL quarterback, he’d be Patriots Cam Newton. Totally incapable of throwing people open and having a predisposition to throwing passes that hit the ground five yards in front of the receiver.
Marcus Smart, holy fuck! I usually forget stuff when I’m composing these writing things, and something I forgot to mention after game 5 was that Marcus Retard was thoroughly incapable of guarding The Mitten. Asking Marcus Retard to not lose The Mitten on off-ball cuts is asking too much of Marcus Retard. There were probably three layups that The Mitten had in game 5 that came from Marcus Retard losing him off the ball. I guess it’s asking too much of the Defensive Player Of the Year to guard The Mitten. Well, different game, same story. Marcus Retard lost The Mitten off the ball and The Mitten got a dunk off of it. Marcus Retard also couldn’t be bothered to stay on Basketball Jesus when Basketball Jesus didn’t have the ball. Oh, and boxing out Andrew Wiggins when you get switched on to him? Fucking forget about it. With about three and a half minutes left in the third, Marcus Retard needed to box out MAPLE JORDAN but just didn’t do it. MAPLE JORDAN came flying into the lane for an easy offensive rebound put-back. This happened right in front of Shriveled Al Horford who was doing a respectable box out of his guy. Shriveled Al got the ball after it dropped through the net and slammed it to the ground in obvious disgust with Marcus Retard. Me and Shriveled Al were both apoplectic with Marcus Retard’s play in that game. I can’t believe people gave Marcus Retard the DPOY award. The voters who voted for him should be ashamed that Marcus Retard mind-fucked them into giving him that distinction. And to think that Marcus Retard wore a boxing rope with DPOY stitched onto it after he won it! For shame! If I was my doppelgänger, Brad Stevens, holy fuck would I trade him tomorrow. Him and Soft Jayson Tatum. I can’t have that in my locker room.
Marcus Retard flopped his way to a DPOY award and I’m so happy that Basketball Jesus hit him in the nuts and got away with it before swishing a three. Seeing Marcus Retard lying on the hardwood in obvious agony at having been hit in the nuts made me smile. I also liked how he totally ran over screeners and legitimately thought that it wasn’t a foul on him to do so. Marcus Retard deserved the psychopath stare that John Goble gives players who question his calls.
I like the job that these refs did. Shout out to Zach Zarba, John Goble and David Guthrie (I think it was him, I’m not 100% sure who the third ref was). Not giving a single free throw to Soft Jayson Tatum, calling Marcus Retard for a bunch of fouls and letting Basketball Jesus hit Marcus Retard in the nuts was great officiating.
If Old Man Jaylen Brown is Patriots Cam Newton, Robert Williams III is Titans Air McNair. Throwing dimes and just leading a team to greatness. Robert Williams III had five blocks and that foul that he was called on Jordan Poole should have been his sixth. That wasn’t a foul and I’m disgusted with Ime Udicka for not challenging that. Now I must admit, Robert Williams III struggles to box out and that’s a problem when he’s playing against Looney Tunes, but Robert Williams III is my team captain and he played with heart yesterday. The Celtics who played with heart yesterday were him, Shriveled Al Horford and Old Man Jaylen Brown. The rest of the Celtics played like little punk faggots. Sorry P Rabbit but you’re included in that bunch. P Rabbit lost confidence and got a hesitant trigger finger. Unacceptable. I’m not sure if Grand Theft Alvarado would lose his confidence like P Rabbit did. I’ll still include P Rabbit on the Taylor Hart Niche Team, but the end of The Finals hurt my feelings. Quick recap of the Taylor Hart Niche Team: Robert Williams III (captain) Bogdan “My Son” Bogdanovic, Herb Jones, Evan Mobley, P Rabbit. If I had to make an eight-man rotation, my bench would be Grand Theft Alvarado, Chris Boucher and Malik Beasley (who would also be responsible for supplying the team with firearms).
Fuck the Celtics. I’m happy that they got embarrassed in this Finals because they’re a disgusting team that I never want to see play basketball again.
Yo, Basketball Jesus really pointed to his finger after hitting an insane thirty-five foot three midway through the third quarter to say that this game was over and that he’s getting a ring. I fucking lived that and appreciated the fact that Basketball Jesus was calling out the Celtics for quitting on life before halftime. The “sleep-time” celebration in the fourth was an appropriate cherry on top of the Basketball Jesus Sundae. Ayesha Curry doesn’t deserve Basketball Jesus and I would be happy if Basketball Jesus cheated on her fat ass. Ayesha seemed a smidge reluctant to kiss Basketball Jesus after that game and I’ll never forget, or forgive that. I’m a better cook than that obese ogre of a woman.
You know who makes me think of Aunt Jemima? Lisa Salters! Her fun bags are actually massive.
I don’t have a lot to say about the Warriors. They played professional basketball and the Celtics just quit. The Warriors had a lot of open threes because the Celtics defense was tired and broken. The Celtics needed too much energy just to struggle scoring 85 points to have enough energy to play respectable defense. Squidward Thompson and Jordan Poole made some threes but there was zero pressure on them to make them. Without that pressure, Squidward and Jordan made enough of their shots. Whatever.
Oh, Donkey Dray made two threes!!!! One of which was right in front of the Celtics bench. I really hope that Donkey Dray said what needed to be said to the Celtics after he made that.
Oh, and it was cute how Ime Udicka called three timeouts in the first three minutes of the third quarter.
“Please guys, don’t quit on life.”
Team says nothing.
“OK then, team on me, team on three, one , two, three…”
Team says nothing before silently getting up to resume the ass-kicking.
Fuck the Celtics.
2022 NBA ATS record: 45-42 (51.7%). I was much better last year. I think you need to get 51.5% to break even since when you win a bet, you get less money than you wager. I’m just happy that the season is over and I don’t have to watch these Celtics anymore.
Now, I would love for you to send me feedback on what you thought of these things I’ve been sending you. Obviously don’t “reply all”. And please spare me any desires to “clean it up”. I’ve heard enough of that. And also spare me from saying that I could write for a prestigious institution of sports writing. Sports writers are pussy faggots. All of them. If you work for ESPN, you are a boring douchebag and I never want to be anything like you. Malika Andrews is ugly and it’s appropriate that a boring company has an ugly whooly like Malika Andrews so prominently shown on their NBA coverage.
I listen to feedback like how Dana White listens to people who tell him how to run UFC. With sincere interest but also with the understanding that you don’t have the work ethic/dedication or talent to build up a fight league from nothing.
I enjoy composing these things and talking about Deuce Tatum getting murdered and euthanizing my last living grandma for one night with Jena Sims. In my opinion, what I’ve been sending you in the mornings after playoff games are the best things written about basketball in the world. Personally, I enjoy going back and reading them even though I wrote them.
I write these on my phone. That’s why I don’t use Grammarly to fix the typos. Thank you for persevering through those. I know there were many. Going forward, I want more readers. No one writes things like I write things. I deserve an audience of millions of people. I deserve to have Soft Jayson Tatum read these and for him to really hate my guts. No one writes interesting things like I do. No one.
If you liked these written things, I will take this moment to share that you should buy one (or both lol) of the books I’ve written. They’re fiction and only the first one has a basketball scene, but they have the same voice that these emails have. I’ve already cleared the royalties threshold to successfully lie on my taxes to swindle the IRS out of thousands of dollars, so I don’t need you to buy them for my financial well-being. I’m rich and have fuck-you money. I’m just a fucking superGenius who deserves to be an author that people read while I’m alive. Nicholas Sparks went to the same high school as me. I’ve read “See Me”. It’s not great. I’m a better writer than Nicholas Sparks. That track should be named “Carson Track”, not “Sparks Track”. Put some fucking respeck on my pseudonym.
And one of you was my “first reader” that asked me to make a subStack. That was an OK idea. It’s much better to just make a website.
The moral of the story is I’m going to write things I find interesting with it without your support. I like writing and I think too many people are shitty writers so I’m going to do something about that. I think it’s important that writers not rely on writing for money. It turns them into scared bitches who are afraid to “go there” because their livelihood depends on lots of people “approving” them.

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