Let’s start this off with me venting about a particular person that I played basketball with about three weeks ago. Short Asian guy that is just starting the Asian rite of passage that is having your jet black hair turn grey. This is one of those Asians that has big but not gargantuan calves. Probably five nine. Pretty short and pretty trash at basketball. Back in college, some women would play basketball with the boys (🙋🏼♂️) and you know what would prevent them from being anvils on the ship to victory? Passing me the goddamn ball at any spot on the court when I was open. Not just when I was close to the basket without any close defenders. Chicks would give me the ball seventy feet from our opponents basket if I was open. Giving me the ball results in good things happening for the team. You know what’s generally not good? Demanding that I pass you the ball when you’re open around the three point line but then dribbling so that a defender has a chance to guard you and then following that up with a contested shot. That’s what this fuck-head chink did a bunch when I played with him. Except instead of just missing after he demanded the ball on the perimeter, he got his shit blocked… on a three point try. You know how rare that is? To get a three-point shot blocked? Usually I’m the only person that does that. You have to kind of know when and how the offensive player is going to shoot the ball before it happens. You have to read them, anticipate the future and be correct. It sounds difficult because it is. Blocking threes is a rare feat. Anyway, this little boy had it happen to him by someone who wasn’t me. He’s on the Shit List, a constantly evolving revolving door of people who draw my ire on the basketball court and who when I get the chance to play against, I will guard them and not let them touch the ball for the whole game. Prevent their teammates from passing them the ball and if they do somehow get the ball, constantly try to swipe it from their possession. Basically make their game a living hell. Suck out all of the joy that comes from playing pickup basketball. This guy is on it. Another guy that’s on it is this fucking retard who is in his late-forties but has a mental block against passing the ball and a certified addiction to terrible, off-balance threes. Sometimes I play with him and I have to do all of the drudge work (getting all the defensive rebounds, guarding everyone at the same time, passing the ball to disengaged teammates because the old shit-head won’t pass and it’s killing the energy of our team) to barely win while he dribbles the ball above his waist and shoots fifteen terrible shots and makes four. He thinks he’s good too!!! He is genuinely removed from reality. Holy fuck I hate him. I swear to Black Baby Jesus, if I go against him, I will crush his will to live and if somehow he finagles his way onto my team (he’s loud and tries to insert himself onto teams), I’ll say I’m cramping and walk out of the gym. Screw that guy.
Anyways, I had an idea for this week. Write about all the people I knew from High School and examine what their doing in life based on their LinkedIn and/or Twitter.
First up, Tyler Wafer.
Tyler played basketball because he was tall. He is like 6’6”. He had a soft, fleshy body then and he probably still does. His grades were OK. He took a lot of the Honors and AP classes, but the soft AP classes. The ones like US History or English Literature. He wasn’t out there with the true geniuses taking Physics or Calculus. There was this one thing my high school did where we had this all-day event dramatizing the effects of drinking and driving. Every ten minutes the intercom would have a heartbeat murmur and stop to symbolize how often someone died from drinking and driving. That may not have been the exact time frame but suffice it to say, it was an annoying thing. Also there was an assembly where people pretended to die and give speeches about the life that they left behind. It was all very dumb. Lots of people cried their eyes out. I remember looking around the assembly to see who the faggots were. Tyler Wafer was one of those faggots. He was bawling his eyes out at these mock deaths. Lots of people were but he might have been crying the most. He was one of those guys who probably wanted to be a cheerleader but wasn’t flamboyantly gay. He wasn’t even a little homo, he was just a big soft bitch. So let’s see what Tyler is up to.
Instagram: twafe/ LinkedIn: Tyler Wafer
Registered Nurse at University of New Mexico. Pictures on IG are super faggy. Lives in Washington DC which is not prestigious. It’s a place for ugly people like him. Tyler is definitely gay and maybe I would respect him if he had a picture of the guy who’s dick he sucked in bathrooms. Of course he has the “he/him/his” label on IG. This guy sucks. I hate this dude.
Second, Nicholas Mosbaugh.
Nick was very good at sports until he turned 17. The prototypical example of someone that physically peaks in their first year of high school. Nick was seen as a good-looking guy then. He was not someone that achieved anything noteworthy in public school academia. He was right there besides Tyler Wafer crying his eyes out at pretend death.
LinkedIn: Nicholas Mosbaugh/ IG: nickymosbaugh
He has a bullshit job selling stuff for Goodyear. Probably a comfortable life. He seems like “universe meat”, the brilliant term from Rick and Morty identifying nature’s propensity for creating infinite people, just to eat them. He’s gained A LOT of weight. Clearly he has a wife. That’s good. She looks about ten years older than him but she obviously is in great shape. Nick is doing OK. Fat and boring, but perfectly functional and content to punch a clock for the majority of his life.
Third, Kevin (KJ) Logue.
KJ played division 1 basketball and in high school, he got all the pussy. He had a roller backpack but it was OK. He needed to take care of his back. Also, he gained mass by eating approximately six peanut butter and jelly sandwiches throughout the school day. He was probably the best basketball player to ever play at Bella Vista. Oh, he also had great grades. Now, he wasn’t taking AP Calculus or Physics but I think he took Biology which is an insane class. Definitely very smart. For some strange reason, his dad really liked me. Mr. Logue had a keen eye for basketball talent. On second thought, maybe he did take the AP Calculus class. He was very smart.
LinkedIn: KJ Logue
KJ is still winning. Global Compensation Manager at Salesforce, aka WINNING. KJ lives a charmed life in San Francisco. Good for him.
Fourth, Emily Marx.
Emily Marx was the valedictorian and also my neighbor! Her family had a mailbox with “Marx” stickered on it. Like, each individual letter as it’s own sticker forming the surname. She was the “smartest” person in middle school too. She quoted 50 Cent in her senior quote.
LinkedIn: Emily Marx (she/her)
Jesus Christ, she got a 3.9 GPA in Bioengineering from Stanford and is now becoming a “doctor” courtesy of UC Berkeley. Now she’s doing computer science. Clearly a genius. Put some respek on her name!
Fifth, Elise Stevens.
Elise wasn’t on Emily Marx’s genius level but she was just a notch below. Two up from me. I’m pretty sure she got an SAT score around 2100 and her grades were top notch. She was an AP Calculus girl. Cleary very smart. Not someone that did sports.
LinkedIn: Elise Stevens
She went to USC and still lives in Los Angeles. That’s great! She got some FINRA certifications and she’s clearly doing well in the financial industry. She looks good! I wonder if she’s gotten a boob job yet. Based on her company picture at Kelso Private Equity, the answer is “maybe”. Clearly rich though. Good for her.
Sixth, Sam Hibbs.
Sam was someone I really liked in high school. We got along great. One time I threw him through a classroom window and shattered the glass. I immediately walked away. I guess he had to answer some questions about it to a principal. Very funny guy. Nothing but love for Sam Hibbs, party monster.
LinkedIn: Sam Hibbs
Sam became an attorney! An injury attorney lmao! He’s come to Jesus and moved to Orange County. One day, I’m going to pop in to his office unannounced and take him to lunch. Ideally, as a third wheel. I’m happy to see him winning at life.
Seventh, Annie Marcroft.
Annie was seen as someone who was hot and although I thought that was always a little overblown, there was no debating her strong facial features and five ten stature. When Tyler Wafer was trying to convince everyone that he wasn’t gay, he would espouse his adoration for Annie. Annie was someone that would take AP English but not come eighty feet of AP Calculus and I’ll leave it at that. Not a sports person.
LinkedIn: Annie Marcroft
She became a lawyer. Good for her. I guess she lives in Sacramento after finishing law school at Alabama (wtf?!). She took two years to start law school after finishing a nonsense degree in Philosophy from SDSU. Those two years must have been loads of fun. Oh well, she seems to have landed in a good place.