- It’s been 5 years since Collin Sexton and Darius Garland played together on the Cavaliers but Nathan is still keeping his “Sexland” team nickname. Sex! Get it?!? No wonder Nathan is agreeing to trade me Scottie B for Michael “Boy Toy” Porter and then crawling to GK like the little cockroach he is and begging our beloved commissioner to swing his magic dick and help Nathan not let me get my greedy black hands on Scottie B with a league veto. Hey Nathan, how about you get an actual “tech” job instead of whatever the current nonsense is that you’re doing with counting Chalupas at Taco Bell? Wouldn’t that be better? Why can’t you be as smart as me? Why can’t you lie and cheat to a multi-national staffing company and convince them to give you $2300/week after taxes to be a “data engineer” even though you can’t “code” without the finest LLM that money can buy? Shout out Claude. Anyways, Nathan. You actually had a mildly competitive game against Cream Team and I’m looking at the totals and it seems that it wasn’t some limp-dick slap fight. You guys could’ve beaten some other teams! Maybe this is the year that you finally get out of the Fijian Fantasy cellar. Wait, I forgot. You’re a little cockroach and you like being down in the dark bottom.
Hey, Nathan, if someone orders 2 burritos at a Taco Bell in Corona and another person orders 3 of the same burrito at a Taco Bell in Anaheim, how many burritos were sold between the 2 stores at that moment?
Five! Good job!
As for you, Cream Team. We know your little song and dance. Win regular-season games and then choke on my dick in the playoffs. You’re Lamar Jackson, and I’m Josh Allen/Ryan Tannehill/Patrick Maholmes. Does that help you understand who you are? Am I helping you “find yourself”? Good.
Remember last year when I told you that I would beat your head in during our matchup, and then I did exactly that? Hopefully, you’ve managed to get that inconvenient truth out of your head. Worry not, my blessed child. We’re going to play each other soon and I’m going to give you a reminder of how hopeless you are against me. Playoffs and Preseason.
- Oh my goodness, PMoose took Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang (PBTMH) out behind the woodshed and cracked his little Asian ass. Jesus Christ, Patrick! Guys, Patrick and I have a LinkedIn relationship where I compliment him on his free agency adds that I approve of and where I share the links to all the free stuff I make. Are we becoming friends even though we’re both over 30? I thought guys in America stopped making new friends after 25. Anyways, unlike most of you fucktards, I think Patrick actually reads the stuff I make so when he takes his dick out and ends PBTMH’s season after the first week, I get a little glimmer of happiness. Because I’m not only hear to entertain myself, I’m here to be a “thot leader”. I’m here to make you smarter, and in the process, make myself smarter. That’s a small part of what we’re doing over here.
So good job, Patrick. It’s the first recap of the season so I don’t have the weekly awards memorized but you’re getting more than the award that is named after you for being an all-time choke job and not winning the championship with Rookie Wembanyama and Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic.
As for you, PBTMH, it looks like you’re in for another long year of giving the rest of us handjobs with your soft little Asian hands. Maybe you can get a front-office job for the Nets instead of making PowerPoint presentations to the Knicks about how Precious Achiuwa is the NBA’s Blood Diamond. You racist fuck.
- Token came back and beat GK. Yes, I sent John a GIF of Cartman fist-bumping Token and begged him to send that to the group chat that all of you retards complain about the Lakers in. GK was actually leading for most of the matchup but it looked like he lost FG% by one or two missed attempts and one 3PM. Crazy stuff. Just goes to show you that the one championship that GK won was completely due to swindling Nathan in a trade that made GK’s team unfair. It’s actually crazy how for every second following that championship, GK has, without fail, proven that he’s not a CONSISTENT contender. You know, like John and me. GK is about to get some very stern reprimands in the awards, so for now, he’ll just say that GK’s biannual pledge to himself to get control of his snacking and FINALLY be happy with the sight of himself in the mirror will have to wait. GK has some truly terrible losses to self-medicate over. Self-medicate with Ben-And-Jerry’s.
Why is Token back? I saw that he actually made a roster transaction. Is Token’s black ass actually going to be a regular team this year and make matchup acquisitions?
- CORONA INSHALLAH actually has a scary team and beat Mikey Pledge! That’s what Victor Wembanyama will do. Corona was actually the only team that would’ve beaten John and me last week. 37 blocks for Corona. The next highest was John and me at 24. That’s the Wembanyama Effect. Corona actually has a team that is built to win 5-4. Stocks, Rebounds, FG%, and Turnovers. Boring, winning basketball. Hard punting all the other 4 categories.
As for Mikey Pledge, we’re watching you to see how you handled giving John and me the loss that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives in last year’s championship. Will you be GK and PBTMH and prove that your championship was a complete one-off, or will you decide to be like John and me and actually be a consistent contender.
- Brett had a Rebounds/Blocks/Turnovers battle with Markus and came out on top. Cool. On the draft, I overheard someone talking about “value” after someone was drafted. I think it was Andrew “Maple Jordan” Wiggins. Anyway, it really upset me that someone used the word “value” like that. That’s a word you use when you read articles about fantasy sports. Don’t we know that we’re not supposed to talk about SPORTS in public?! Let alone, FANTASY SPORTS?!? Jesus
Fucking Christ, you guys all need me to tell you how to think and talk.
Looking at Markus’ team, it looks like a hardcore FT% punt team. Aka, Jaylen “Tin Man” Brown and Giannis Antetokounmpo. Did you guys all see how Tin Man’s hairline went on OG’s jersey? That shit was so funny. Tin Man is such a jackass. We’re so happy to see him flail while trying to lead a team by himself.
- John and Shadow Manager (That’s me, bitches!) were losing the whole week to David/Lock City, but then the weekend started and SHADOW MANAGER took the fucking steering wheel and CAPTAINED this ship to VICTORY! WINNER$, BITCHES!!! HOLD MY BLACK DICK! Goddamn, I love myself.
Hey, David, you don’t understand. No really, you can not comprehend this. I HAVE TO WIN EVERY WEEK. If I don’t WIN then John won’t love me. I NEED JOHN’S LOVE! David, you know me. After all these years, you know my name. I’m the Shadow Manager. This is what I do. I take my left hand and I put it up every single last one of the Fijian Fantasy members’ rectum and I manually disembowel them. I HAVE TO. I AM COMPELLED.
David, did you actually think you were going to win this week?! DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD TAKE ME DOWN!?! NEVER!!!! NEVER!!! YOU’LL NEVER BEAT ME DAVID!!! HOLD MY DICK!!!
Ok guys, I’ll calm down. I get to have a friend for at least another week. When that comes into question, I get a little carried away because I like having a friend. I want John to keep being my friend and when that comes into question because David is looking like he might actually beat us in fantasy, things get a little tense. Well, we’re onto Week 2!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- David/Lock City. You ALMOST did it but then I had to go out into free agency and get Ryan Kalkbrenner. Sorry.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- GK.
LMAO you lost to TOKEN!!! And you still did your sloppy trainwreck dogshit where you do every transaction that pops into your empty head without thinking about the future. Hilarious stuff from our league’s commissioner.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Corona/John’s Roommate.
Everything you do is amazing when you have Victor Wembanyama. Would have beaten every team last week. He has Wembanyama. Wembanyama is playing. That is all.
Can I trade you for Tari Safari, Great Barrier Thief, or Kel’el? John and I really need a PF so probably Tari Safari.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- PMoose.
For beating the Asian Jungle PISS out of PBTMH. For following the beacon of light that is my holy teachings.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
GK. For adding Cedric Coward and still losing TO TOKEN! LMAO. If that isn’t the definition of DIPSHIT, I don’t know what is!!!
Fat ass.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, last year you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Wow, Token, you beat GK! That is so fucking funny! Listen, Token, I hate you because you’re the laziest fantasy basketball manager I’ve ever seen in Fijian Fantasy and you make niggas like me look bad because you’re managin hot dogshit, but you came back against GK and you allowed me to break out some quotes from Big Little Lies to talk mess about GK so we’re going to have to shut up and congratulate you for your hard-earned Week 1 victory.