Fuck the Thunder.
Fuck this stupid fantasy basketball team that was smoke and mirrors before and now is the post-apocalyptic doomscape that we are racing towards after the oligarchs that control this world have created sentient robots to kill everyone who they don’t want to have sex with.
Fuck Bennedict Mathurin.
Fuck Devin Booker.
Bless Kawhi Leonard though. That’s our man! If John’s fantasy basketball reign ends because Kawhi hung 55 on Ausar Thompson, that’s the way that we want to go out. Dying at the hands of one of our top-5 favorite players ever. John looks at Kawhi now and gets upset because this was all supposed to happen on the Spurs but the Spurs chose to let Boomer Popovich run wild with his rotten brain. I look at Kawhi now and see my man. Someone who takes from the tech oligarchs and gives to the niggas. Someone who plays basketball like a serial killer. Someone who made Ebola Embiid cry like the little bitch he is. Fuck, I love Kawhi Leonard.
Yeah guys, Nathan beat us. He beat us and he ended every last hope that John and I had that this shitbag fantasy basketball team would do anything serious this year. Turns out, you can’t rely on Ryan Kalkbrenner to be the reason why your fantasy basketball team is winning. You can’t rely on Jalen Suggs to last a week without either having a 20-minute time limit or injuring his lower body in a way that will cause him to miss 10 games that he’s listed Doubtful for. You can’t rely on Devin Booker to be what Nike peddles him as. You can’t rely on Bennedict Mathurin to be anything other than a deluded shitbag who only misses threes and turns the ball over.
Guys, it’s really a miracle how John and I punt turnovers and have such a low amount of assists every week. At this point, it’s gratifying to see Bennedict get five turnovers and zero assists while shooting 30% from the field. Goshdarn I’m a retard! I thought he was destined for great things after those Finals games! Hey, Bennedict, please tell me how that toe injury is the reason that you’re a complete shitbag! Please! I’m begging you!
John and I lost to NATHAN!
Remember when Jalen Duren was playing like the third-best best center in the league?! It was a LONG time ago! Jalen is done with that now. Good luck getting that max extension Jalen!
You know what John and I are now that Austin Reaves is out for a month because his Achilles is about to rupture? We’re a terrible team! Our team is completely reliant on Austin Reaves being a superstar who we drafted in the fourth-round! Austin Reaves puts Devin Booker in his rightful place as our fourth-best player who we drafted 10 overall! Below AR-15, Little Game James, and Alien Eyes.
Speaking of shitbags, Alien Eyes is being so cute with his 5-16 field goal games! Please tell me that Alien Eyes is in a role that is too big for him. Really, John needs to tell me that again because if I hear that, I’ll throw up. Throwing up makes you a better person. It cleans your soul. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
I can’t fucking believe that John and I are now in the same boat as Mikey Pledge where we’re just looking for high-upside longshots to maybe help us make a run in March. This sucks.
“Are we the Lions?!”
“Fuck yes, John. We’re the Lions.”
Jesus Fucking Christ this hurts so much. Three weeks ago I was going to a local school for retards on Sunday nights when no one was there to make screaming audio messages about this smoke-and-mirrors fantasy basketball team, and now we’re losing to Nathan because Kawhi Leonard is back, Santi Aldama is approximating Dirk Nowitzki, Reed Sheppard won’t stop getting 5 steals every game, and Anthony “Frida Kahlo” managed to play for half the week.
Guys, Nathan’s team got kinda healthy for the first time all season and absolutely embarrassed John and me. This is so bad. I can’t wait to see Cream Team beat us 8-1 this week. Watch, we’ll lose turnovers but also get 50 less assists. Maybe 100.
Can someone shoot Bennedict Mathurin? He said that one thing about LeBron James having to prove that he’s better than him. Well now look, Bennedict. You’re the reason why the Indianapolis “Rabbits” Pacers are THE WORST TEAM IN THE NBA! You fucking CLOWN! You BOWZO! You fucking braindead imbecile! Jesus Fucking Christ, Bennedict, you really fooled my retard ass when you scored all those points in that Finals game! You really fooled me when you wore those beautiful light blue Harden 9’s! You really fooled me! And guess what, Bennedict?!? I’m too on your dick to cut your black ass! That’s right, you’re still on the team! I’m too scared to drop you! You still play starter’s minutes! Somehow I still have hope that by some insane ACT OF GOD will spurn you to be an asset by the time playoffs come around! That’s the kind of retard I am, Bennedict! I’m so stupid, I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Guys, drafting Little Game James was supposed to be a move that led to #winning. John and I were supposed to swallow our overwhelming distaste of Little Game James as the biggest playoff choke artist in the history of the NBA and watch LGJ put up the same numbers that he always does during the preseason. Well guys, WE’RE NOT GETTING THAT! We’re having to lose AND roster Little Game James!
“Serves you right, Shadow Manager.”
Fuck you, Nathan. Go count beans at your prima’s quinceñera and talk about how crazy it is that abuela gets the tamales to be so moist.
General Week 8 Notes: - Nathan ended the Shadow Manager’s season. Nathan ended Shadow Manager’s friendship with John. Nathan ended the Shadow Manager.
- Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” beat George 9-0. Something tells me that it had to do with Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic getting 56-16-15 on Christmas… and looking at the totals, that’s confirmed. Lord Voldemort’s totals for the matchup are so stupid. Desmond Bane is also turning it around for PBTMH. Paul George is playing so that’s good too. Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges isn’t being the fifth-best player overall anymore but Amen Thompson isn’t being the shitbag that he was earlier in the season so that balances out.
- Cream Team beat the gay out of John’s Roommate. Seriously, Cream Team, you should get serious about offering that service as a business for evangelical dads. You would become a multimillionaire by beating the gay out of teenage boys. John’s Roommate isn’t a teenager of course, but he’s Asian so his body is pretty much the same as a tennager. Think about it, Cream Team. You’d be your own boss! You’d have agency over your life! Imagine that! Just driving around Los Angeles meeting dad’s at different churches and getting them to pay you ten thousand dollars to excise the gay out of their sons. Wouldn’t that be a better life than the one you have now?
- Patrick manhandled Crashout Markus. Listen, Crashout Markus, you’re going to have to scoot over a smidge because I’m going to sit down right there next to you for this next pass-around of crack on Fifth Street and Mission. I’m going to be your neighbor in the tent city!
- Brett beat David. Whatever.
- Token beat Mikey Pledge. Whatever.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Nathan.
Duh. He ended my season after I gave out Dan Campbell style voice memos acting like my team was some sort of Team of Destiny. I suck.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Shadow Manager.
For drafting Devin Booker in the first round. For believing in Bennedict Mathurin. For not trying harder to sell-high on Ryan Kalkbrenner. If I had the balls to drop Kalkbrenner as soon as he started missing games because he needs Tommy John surgery, we would’ve won assists and won the week. Our season would’ve been on life support but we would’ve still been alive. Like that Grandma who we all have that needs to die but has too much money and bluetard good vibes to do what’s right and eat a cheeseburger that causes her last heart attack.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
Yes, even over PBTMH and Lord Voldemort. Cream Team had 118 more assists than me last week and 61 more rebounds. Oh, and 120 more points. 20 more blocks. It’s an insane team. Derik Queen is on it. Kevin Durant is doing the same thing as Kawhi Leonard but people are sleeping on it. Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray is somehow playing like an All-NBA player and not a patronus that Lord Voldemort conjured out of nothing. Scary team.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Nathan.
For beating Shadow Manager and ending his season.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Shadow Manager.
For all his bullshit and then losing to Nathan because Kawhi had 55 points and a bunch of other stuff against the Pistons who are supposed to be a really good defense. Ausar Thompson was buried alive by Kawhi Leonard. Ausar Thompson and Shadow Manager, both.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Listen, Token, I have a lot of other shit going on. I have a team that quit on life. I have a “software developer job” that is trying to kill me. I have a Pakistani army that I have to oversee so that I can get my life back and earn $50,000/month. I have John who is a moment away from leaving me and disavowing that I ever existed. I have to find a Cum Bucket in a wasteland of fat, old, and ugly in this Haystack Cowtown that I’m stranded in while the Pakistani Army I’m commanding is out there in the streets fighting to free me. It’s a lot and this week I don’t have any insights on you. Good job beating Mikey Pledge. I fucking lost to Nathan.