Guys, someone at a coffee shop asked what I was reading. They thot it was the bible. I’m like, nah, it’s a book about utilizing social positioning and words to allow women to have culpable deniability with embarking on the train to Pound Town. Obviously, this person, who will remain as anonymous as possible, was intrigued and disturbed by such a book. But guys, there was the issue that we all know. The issue of me being extremely articulate, fascinating, and just generally a more highly evolved species of human being. So of course I calmly listen to their objections of a book about “manipulating” women and then calmly assert my disagreement at how actually, this book has a lot of value because it helps people get better at conversations (which is obviously true if you’re someone who walks around in life without headphones and hears all the inane, pathetic conversations between people) and how “PUA’s” have a lot of astute teachings about psychology. At least more than all the con-artist college professors who indebt America’s youth so that they can call themselves “Psychology majors”. Basically, I stood my ground and the other person (Cartman voice) respected my authority. They actually talked with me for way longer than I wanted to talk for. They had food that they ordered in their hand but they wouldn’t stop talking to me because I was using the lessons that a book about social “manipulation” taught me about to be more interesting. Actually, a more accurate way of communicating what happened was that I used the lessons of that book to more effectively allow the inner excellence in me to shine through. Because I’m a real boy!
Somehow we got around to what we did that identifies us (because I refuse to identify as a No-Dick Software Developer Faggot) and they said that they were a writer.
“Aren’t you ashamed that you do that?”
“Umm… well… yeah, of course. Wait, are you a writer?! How do you know about that?!”
“Actually yes, I do more than just read. Here, check out this website. Wanna read about this fantasy basketball league that I make recaps for just to entertain this guy named John and me?! No? Well good. You’re a normal person and don’t need to hear about me saying the worst things imaginable because of a basketball team that only plays in a virtual reality. I don’t know really what the books I made are about. I forget everything about them after they’re done and I go into a fugue state when I’m making them. I think the first two about kids in high school because Project X, Superbad, Risky Business, Mean Girls , Edge of Seventeen and all those movies about young men scared to have sex make me squeal with delight.”
Oh, and this was after showing them the book. See guys, I’m the Shadow Manager. I’ve lived life and have life experiences that make me a complete (and fascinating) person and not a robot who spits out “material” that books teach me about social dynamics. I’m a real boy! A real boy who’s stuck in this pathetic, old, fat Haystack Cowtown while my ARMY of Pakistani’s that I recruited from the Taliban build my arc to traverse the Atlantic. A real boy who doesn’t quit making recaps even after his team of destiny disintegrates into a screaming pile of dogshit and demands that the team be renamed to “Choke Artist Charlatans” (Lamar Jackson’s nickname, shout out Lamar Jackson).
Fuck you guys. This dogshit fantasy basketball team that John and I have does not define me. We’ve been a great team THIS SEASON! We just need to get healthy when the Big Dance starts. I told you guys that Cream Team would spank my ass 8-1 and he spanked me 6-3. Rebounds and assists were by about 100 each. It was real bad. Patrick messaged me some time ago about how his team is mired in injuries. Well, Patrick, there’s a reason that John and I have gone from 7-1 to having a team rebranding because we’re in a 3-game losing streak and our team is having a hard time beating literally anyone. Injuries! Oh, and Devin Booker CONNING us into drafting him in the first round just like he conned Nike into giving him a shitty signature shoe. Devin Booker is a miracle the way he ends games with points equal to field goal attempts, 1 made three, zero stocks, and a 1-to-1 assist-to-turnover ratio.
Relax guy, I’ve scammed a lot of people. And not in the necessary way that a lot of women demand of guys to lie/flirt/scam them into having short-term sexual encounters. I’ve scammed people/worldwide staffing conglomerates/Airbnb insurance in really aggressive, devious, and conniving ways.
And a lot of people have scammed me. More than just Devin Booker. People whom we will expound on when my Pakistani army builds that arc.
It’s part of playing the game of life. You only lose if you don’t have sex.
Cream Team is nasty. It’s also extremely healthy. We’ll see if that lasts.
Oh, and maybe the beheading of Traitor Bennedict will liven up this dogshit fantasy basketball team that John and I have.
General Week 8 Notes:
- Cream Team really messed up Shadow Manager and John. Winning by about 100 in assists AND rebounds. Winning by 200 points. Cream Team is a Death Star right now. Kevin Durant is almost as good as Kawhi Leonard right now. We have a hard time believing that these Durantula performances will continue uninterrupted for 3 months but they’re certainly happening now. Deni “Jew” Avdija is disgusting. Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray is somehow the only healthy Nugget and having a career year. Donte DiVincenzo is a fucking dog. That dude refuses to play a game and not get 3 3PM and 2 steals. Seriously, DiVincenzo is a big reason why Cream Team is too litty. Derik Queen (Shadow Manager’s third-ranked rookie before the season, ask John) is passing people open. Aaron Nesmith is a free agent add who is playing light years ahead of Traitor Bennedict. Disgusting stuff. Cream Team is the best team right now.
- Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” eked out a win versus Born-Again Nathan. We’re here to explain our feelings, and right now we’re really disappointed in Nathan for losing to PBTMH without Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic. I’ve been telling John that PBTMH won’t win a game without the Dark Lord and then PBTMH immediately beats Nathan. Are we blaming Anthony “Frida Kahlo” Davis, Nathan?! Are we blaming Ja Morant?! Fuck you. You need to beat PBTMH when the Dark Lord doesn’t play. I hate you. Your prima is fat. The lighting at that quinceñera didn’t do her any favors. That was the epitome of putting lipstick on a pig. She’d fit right in in this Haystack Cowtown that I’m currently banished to. Fucking bitch.
- Patrick beat George. Kinda close! Wow, that’s unexpected. We thought that Patrick was light-years ahead of George. Patrick, I need to tell you something. It really hurts my heart that you have Anthony Black and I have bitch-ass snitch Jalen Suggs. Believe me, I look at Anthony Black’s box scores. I like how it hurts.
Keyontae George might be the best pick of the draft. Either him or the Jew on Cream Team. We’re still concerned that the Jazz will do Fuck Shit at the end of the season and find reasons to not play Keyontae because he’s causing wins, but that’s a damn good pick. Plaudits to you, Patrick! And Andrew “Maple Jordan” Wiggins is having a year similar to when he shut down Jayson Tatum on the Warriors! Wow! I guess Brett was right about Maple Jordan being good value! You guys win! You beat me!
As for you George, thanks for your own team rebrand. It influenced John to endorse our new name, which I really like. It looks like Paolo is kind of turning it around? Maybe. Good job swiping Jovic. Those box scores hurt John and me almost as much as Anthony Black.
- Oh my God, guys, David beat John’s Roommate! Wow! After I asked for David to be replaced in the league, he goes out and beats the team with the best record! My goodness! How have things gotten so bleak for yours truly?!?
This looks to have happened because David’s team got healthy, Jaren Jackson stopped being the biggest bust, and Chet Holmgren has been playing like he isn’t afraid of Wembanyama. Good for David. That’s crazy.
- Token beat the fuck out of Crashout Markus. Nothing to see there.
- Brett beat the fuck out of Mikey Pledge. Even less than nothing to see there.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Devin Booker.
So many options, but we’ll give it to Devin for having the worst statistical season after his rookie campaign. And for consistently playing half as well as Collin Gillespie, according to their PR15 ratings.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Shadow Manager.
For not cutting bait on this Bennedict Mathurin shitshow of turnovers and missed shots earlier in the season. He’s seriously injured again so I don’t think anyone will pick him up but I think he’ll start playing again and when he does, I’m excited to see who picks up that Trojan Horse. Probably Token. Another thing that really burns my soul is the fact that I didn’t immediately drop Bennedict for Aaron Nesmith after Nesmith came back. We know that Aaron Nesmith is a dog. A real, winning player. Completely unlike this braindead faggot Bennedict Mathurin.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
Repeat winner. He deserves it. Team is a freaking Goliath. When you fuck the club up in rebounds, assists, and points like Cream Team does, you can win this award on repeat.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- David.
No doubt. Beating the team with the best record when your team refuses to do anything but lose to every other team?! Yeah, David gets this one. We’d still like to see David try more regarding the free agents but great job beating John’s Roommate. Between that shocking upset, and the rapid disintegration of John’s team, that house/apartment/slum must be a morgue right now. John must be going to Sara’s house instead of the other way around. Smart. Can’t have guests in the house when the fantasy basketball teams of the tenants are blowing up (in the bad way).
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Shadow Manager.
Shadow Manager is going to keep winning this award until he’s team becomes something besides the biggest flameout in the history of the league. Seriously, fuck that guy. These dispatches used to be so fun and easy for him to make when his team was killing. Now they’re difficult and he’s talking about that stupid Pickup book and how he’s actually not a robot incapable of human connection. We know his shit. Dude’s a straight faggot who will have everything but the woman. At least we get to watch him crash and burn because he doesn’t quit once he starts something.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, we have the same record. You can eat at the dinner table with us. You can vote in league matters with a whole vote instead of the fractional vote that you’ve had in the past. You can have a partner of any ethnicity or gender. You’re getting the full boat now, Token. You’re a Freeman. Congratulations.