“It’s so cool how I’m lowering your self-esteem by sending you on timeout for not achieving the impossible only so that you will keep buying my bullshit about Brawny turning it around.”
“Do you have the dick to cut Brawny for CMB before we know how long Ingram is out for? I definitely don’t. Don’t have that dick.”
“You f****** idiot nepo b****. Fucking Jay Huff has 3 blocks and 2 3PM. +14 with ten more minutes than The Boy Who Lived. And now you want to fucking cut Brawny for this haystack CMB?! What, did I challenge you to do something for once in your life and that compelled you to actually take action?! God fucking damnit. You know what? How about you just say “it doesn’t matter what we do because we’re shitty”?! How about you give up and go get distracted by some dropshipping or government contracting YouTube videos?!”
Sources have confirmed to Wrongbomb that the Shadow Manager sent those mean messages to John this week. It’s truly pathetic how a three-game losing streak will inspire the Shadow Manager to get real shitty with the hand that feeds him (John). The man who is the only thing standing between Shadow playing meaningless ten-team fantasy basketball with “people” who don’t set their lineups or make free agent adds. It’s really spoiled behavior from the Shadow Manager but we’ve come to expect nothing else from the parasite that has infected Fijian Fantasy with its brainwashing of John.
Let us not have any misunderstandings. John wants to win this fantasy basketball league so badly that he’s willing to put up with all of the blatant racism, manipulative psychological games, and cruel ageism that the parasitic Shadow Manager proselytizes. Really, you guys must see how I’m changing John away from the little imp you used to know and love. When all of you fraternity fucktards go out to drink at a sports bar in Burbank with John, you all must sense the change in him. That’s the devil’s work. That’s the Shadow Manager infecting your dear boy. John sees Shadow Manager as a way to accomplish what really matters, and that’s #winning in fantasy basketball. Shadow Manager does that, so John overlooks the character deficits (not flaws, deficits) that are wholly offensive and uncomfortable for everyone else in the league.
Guys, I’m the social media influencer, and John is the oil sheik in the Middle East. I give him what really matters. Rock hard dick and violent cum explosions. Since I give him that, John overlooks the fact that my brain is ruined from 24/7 phone exposure and the psychological dependence on having strangers comment on my Instagram story that I’m capable of getting them off.
Deal with it guys. I’m a bad bitch. I said, “John, take me to Paris.”
Who talks to a truly dear friend like that?! Who challenges someone’s pride in order to manipulate them into doing something and then immediately calls them a “f****** idiot nepo b****”?! Guys, when John grows up and starts bringing children into this world, we have serious doubts about his ability to be stern with them as they grow up and test the limits of John’s ability to be an enforcer of boundaries. Just watch. And please spare me the bullshit about John waiting too long and eventually letting parenthood pass him by. He’ll have kids. Trust.
Gosh guys, the Shadow Manager is a tough hangout. He’s not in your faggoty fraternity for a reason, and that reason is that the Shadow Manager can not be a part of any “team” that isn’t strictly about basketball. It’s a character flaw that the Shadow Manager is not interested in fixing. Unlike his newfound techniques and understanding of what makes a great conversationalist. That’s something that Shadow is interested in changing.
Did John and Shadow beat David 8-1? Yes, yes they did. Did that shit-pumping lighten the mood in the practice facility of the Choke Artist 👨🏿🎨Charlatans? Of course it did! Do I feel “back” as the Shadow Manager, the hedonist who is smarter, more daring, more ruthless, and more creative than all of you fraternity fucktards who I have dominated for the past 5 years? No. That, I do not. It will require more than a win over David for that to come back. We’re going to have to have some quality wins for the Dan Campbell voice memos to make their re-entry into our lives.
Sorry, I’m not sorry. Showin’ you up like I knew that I would.
General Week 12 Notes:
- Shadow Manager and John decided to move in a different direction regarding their “branding”. Everyone in marketing and sales was fired after losing to Nathan so we made the rebrand without professional consult of advertising lifers. And we won! We won big! Because Collin Murray-Boyles is the next Draymond Green and y’all niggas too pussy to admit it! In other news, our team is starting to not have days with 6 OUT players. When we get healthy, we’re going to be contenders. If Devin Booker ever finds a way to average 3 3PM and less than 3 turnovers every game, we’re going to start being the problem that Y’ALL NIGGAS KNEW WE IS!
Side-note, George, I’ve called for the dismissal of Nathan and that was wrong. That really came back to embarras me in a way that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life. That was a mistake. But we’re not going to let that one mistake dissuade us from doing what’s right RIGHT NOW. And what’s right, right now is finding a replacement for David. Yes, I know a guy who would be an amazing member of the league. Someone with true basketball intelligence and a true, honest, blue-collar work ethic. He’d be great. He has a wife. He has a house. He maintains great eye contact with people so people like him. He’s not a mean, choleric person like me. Why am I singing his praises? Because he’s not a fraternity fucktard like David presumably is and I feel like that’s going to be a huge sticking point with you. Ugh. Relax guy, I’m not a fraternity fucktard and look how great I’ve been!
George, if you’re going to demand a sex tape from this guy, I’m pretty sure he won’t oblige. But a one-off OnlyFans video of him jacking off?? I’m sure he’d be OK with that. C’mon, George. Make an exception to the rule! David sucks. Can we not wait for David to quit? We waited for Brian “Team Punt Wins” Le to quit, and for Paul “Pharoahs FC” Salama to quit and we were scrambling to pick up Token’s reparations ass and Crashout Markus. Let’s take some initiative with some league house-cleaning, George!
- Cream Team beat the fuck out of Nathan. Anthony “Frida Kahlo” Davis is out for many months again. Ja Morant isn’t playing for the Grizzlies again. Kawhi Leonard is still playing like the best player in the NBA but guys, it was such a fluke that Nathan beat me! Goddamnit! He’s going right back to his life, counting beans at Taco Bell!
On Cream Team, Deni “Jew” Avdija had a minor injury. Alperen Sengün has a mildly serious ankle problem. That’s not enough. Jew is carrying Cream Team towards being the playoff favorite. There’s Miles Bridges beating the fuck out of his girlfriend and using that energy to be nothing but extremely productive on the court. Charlotte needs to make the playoffs! There’s Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray getting 17 assists. There’s Derik Queen getting 15 rebounds and 15 assists in the same game. Seriously, it’s so disgusting that Derik Queen is on Cream Team. Goddamnit, Cream Team is amazing! Fucking Donte DiVincenzo!
- Lmoa, Patrick beat Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” by one made three. Both of these teams would’ve beaten John and me, which is disconcerting. How is PBTMH remaining competitive without the Dark Lord?!? Lmao, the answer is Keldon Johnson! There’s also Amen Thompson playing like the second-rounder he was drafted to be. A smattering of Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges and Draymond Green, and PBTMH has a competitive team! How PBTMH added Draymond off of free agency is ridiculous. Shame on the person who dropped Draymond Green after his annual psychotic episode. That happens every year!
- George instituted his own rebrand, and proceeded to beat the black out of Token. My goodness. Token came into that matchup 7-4 and tied with John and me! We just awarded him a full vote and full dining privileges! Those can’t be taken back once given! And then Token immediately gets shit-pumped by GK who has been awful all year. For shame! George would’ve lost to John and me 4-5 but somehow led the league in points, assists, and three-pointers made.
- John’s Roommate beat the shit out of Mikey Pledge. Mikey Pledge has had the most pathetic title defense imaginable. Not just in the history of our league, but in the history of all leagues ever played. Pathetic.
- Brett smashed Crashout Markus, although CS is looking like a real team again. Remember how I said that George led the league in points? Well I was just trying to embellish a point for emphasis. That was fake news. Brett actually had one more point than George. Whatever. Relax, guy.
If you’re wondering who on Brett’s team got him to lead the league in points, those people would be Zion and Himmy Butler. We’ll see if that lasts. By the way, guys, fun little tidbit here. I have a dad who is one of those insufferable libtards who is brainwashed by Trump hate. My dad is someone who worships LeBron because he stood on a stage with Crooked Hillary. He’s someone who hates me calling the Sacramento NBA team the “Queens” because it’s offensive to faggots. Yeah, he’s a real shitbag to be around. Anyways, Dad disavowed Himmy Butler because of how Himmy yelled at Danny Wolf for being white and playing NBA basketball. “LeBron would never”. Ugh. Doesn’t that just suck?!? Himmy can do whatever the fuck he wants after what he did to Giannis in the playoffs. Goddamnit. But hey, I guess we have to appreciate my Dad because without his genes, I wouldn’t be this creative genius who has butt-fucked all of you fraternity fucktards for the past half-decade. So, yeah. And he didn’t leave me like Token’s dad left him.
CS, can I have Coby White? Who do you want for him?
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- John!
Yup! For having the dick to drop Christian Brawny for Collin Murray-Boyles when I didn’t have the dick to do it! Guys, we’re a team. We’re a team that would be better than most of the NBA front offices currently working. You guys know it’s true.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- David.
This asshole doesn’t even set his lineups. Nathan doesn’t do that all the time either but at least Nathan makes an occasional free agency addition. David needs to be marooned on an island and replaced.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
No idgaf that Brett had a good Zion/Himmy week. Idgaf that George cobbled together an impressive “upset” over Token’s black ass. I gaf about how angry it makes me that Derik Queen, Jew, Donte DiVincenzo, Miles Bridges, and Brandon Miller are on this death squad that Cream Team has assembled. Repeat winner here.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- George.
Not only did George pull off an upset of Token after I awarded Token his full bill of rights, he absolutely wiped the floor with him. Don’t ask Token how to handle success because that was really bad. Entered the week 7-4, hot on the Shadow Manager’s tail, and then gets annihilated by George. Bad stuff from Token. Big surprise from George.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Mikey Pledge.
I don’t think we’ve given this to Mikey Pledge in a while and he deserves it for still rostering Kyrie Irving even though he’s not coming back this season. The Mavs want to better their draft pick. They want Kyrie back and fully healthy next year. Get your head out of your Asian butthole, Mikey Pledge. Jesus fucking Christ.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
-Token.
Token, you were given some distinction, and you proceeded to immediately remind us why you didn’t have full rights. Shame on you. You’re an embarrassment to the community, and I’m ashamed to be slightly like you.