THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES!!! THAT’S ME!! YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!!
You think Matas Buzelis getting 6 blocks in 2 games can save you from ME?!? You think that Mikey Pledge’s team shooting 88% from the free-throw line can prevent the inevitable?!? From Peyton Watson?!? From Collin Murray-Boyles?!? NO! NEVER! IT IS WRITTEN! IT IS THE PROPHECY!
Guys, it’s not you. It’s me. I’m the holy trinity. Hundreds of millions of people do that faggoty little hand thing across their bodies because they worship me, the MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY. Thousands of years ago, I demanded the blood of the Mayans, and they gave it to me. Now? Now I demand the blood of Fijian Fantasy.
AND I TAKE IT! Because I’m the motherfucking Shadow Manager, bitches! Mikey Pledge won’t make the playoffs now that he got outmaneuvered by me. Even with all the extra hours of math that Mikey Pledge’s parents beat him into completing so that he could be “advanced” as a ten-year-old can’t save him from the LIVING MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY! Guys, did you see how Mikey Pledge finally decided to cut bait on Kyrie Irving? That was so freaking cute. Leave it to a little monkey like Mikey Pledge to decide to stop quitting on the season once he has a shot at fame (by beating the MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY). Oh well. Mikey Pledge still is here because he’s George’s friend. Which is totally fine. It’s the way of the world. But when it’s Nut Cutting Time (NCT) and Mikey Pledge is in a Blocks Battle (BB) against the LIVING MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY, Mikey Pledge needs to be smart. He needs to be shrewd. He needs to beat the mythical 6-year-old who beat 11-year-olds at Stratego after skool.
In those times, during NCT, Mikey Pledge needs to be more than George’s friend.
But he isn’t. That’s all Mikey Pledge will ever be. Just a little monkey who joined a fraternity in Butt-Fuck Riverside (BFR) and paid enough dues to brainwash George into believing that he can love a monkey like Mikey Pledge for the rest of his life.
Guys, guess who Mikey Pledge added for the last day of the matchup when literally one more block would’ve shut up the LIVING MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY?!? Seriously, guess. It’s fucking hilarious.
When you hear who it is, you’ll understand how Mikey Pledge is a monkey. You’ll understand that I’m not some Big Meanie. You’ll understand that I am your salvation. You’ve probably been saying to yourself, “Jeez, Shadow Manager. You’re going a little too far here with the mean comments about Mikey Pledge. I know you’re 9-4 with a dogshit roster but I don’t know if I can keep worshipping you if you keep saying these things about Mikey Pledge. Mikey Pledge is my friend and I’m a nice person. OK, but who was the person, Shadow Manager? Maybe it actually is someone who only a stupid little monkey would add with their season on the line. Maybe I need to not be so protective of Mikey Pledge. Maybe you’re right, Shadow Manager. Gosh, you usually are. Maybe I need to choose you over Mikey Pledge. But gosh, I don’t know. I JUST WANT US ALL TO BE FRIENDS!”
Ok, here it is.
Precious Achiuwa.
Yes, the Yoruban playing on the Queens. There was Yves “YSL” Missi available. There was Goga Bitadze available. Both of those people average more blocks than Precious Achiuwa. Both of those guys would’ve gotten Mikey Pledge to tie instead of lose. But Mikey Pledge chose Precious Achiuwa… and I chose Dylan Cardwell!!!!
Guys, you know this. You don’t want to play with me in the free agent playpen. That’s the shit you don’t like.
There is no God. There is only the Shadow Manager. Courtesy of our diligent and ever-present sources here at Wrongbomb, we are blessed to have confirmed correspondence between the MANIFESTATION OF DESTINY (or as you refer to him, the Shadow Manager) and John, aka Esteemed Editor to the ghost.
John/Esteemed Editor: I’m letting you drown in your hubris. U fade my opinions bc you think ur omnipotent.
Shadow Manager: Fuck you I am omnipotent. You’re being lazy and not doing transactions and blaming it on me “fading your opinions”. Go ahead and drop a nigga.”
John: I blame you for adding trash nights.
SM: Maybe if you weren’t so fucking stupid you would’ve added someone who gets blocks instead of Jalen Smith (who you hate anyways)
John: You have assbergers. Goo fuck yourself.
General Week 12 Notes:
- Mikey Pledge had one of the most abominable choke jobs in the history of the league by fucking up a huge block's lead and losing to John and Shadow Manager. Just disgraceful stuff. Mikey Pledge won all the fuckboi categories. Both percentages, turnovers, and 3PM. But he couldn’t pull off the block’s win, even though Matas Buzelis had 6 blocks in 2 games against Brooklyn, and Kon Knueppel somehow had 2 blocks in 2 games. Nickeil Alexander-Walker had 11 made threes in three games. Just need to point that out. This loss will probably prevent Mikey Pledge from making the playoffs. The same playoffs that he was holding Kyrie in his IR slot for, all season. Leave it to Mikey Pledge to win a championship because I chose to add Isaiah Stewart over my cleppy brother Ryan Rollins, and then not make the playoffs the next year when 8 of the 12 teams make the playoffs. Monkey Mikey!
- Patrick smashed Taco Bell Nathan. Kawhi is taking some paid vacation now so Taco Bell Nathan is going right back to having no shot to win. How the fuck did Taco Bell Nathan beat me?!?! He has 2 wins this year! Goddamnit!
- David beat Cream Team! Holy Fuck! Awards loading! You ask yourself how the fuck David beat the best team in the league and the answer is that LeBron and Lord Luka have been ridin around with that ‘nina this past week. Guys, French Montana lowkey has some bangers. We don’t want to admit it because he’s not black but the fact remains that French has done some good work in his life. Shout out French Montana! HAAAAHHH!
Oh, and Nic Claxton and Chet Holmgren both had incredible weeks. What an upset!!! Anfernee Simons and Zach “Hasidic Homeboy” LaVine both delivered the 3PM win for David! What a time to be alive!
- Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” beat Token so bad that Token scheduled himself to get that Sammy Sosa surgery. That Michael Jackson wrap. Token, you better hurry up because I’m about to report you to your employer so that you’ll get fired and lose your health insurance!
- George beat Brett in a nail-biter! Both of these jackasses made a lot of transactions. I have it in my notes that Brett was being a real thirsty ho this week. Let me find the transaction that made me write that.
Hold on.
Wow, it was that?! Yeah, it was Brett adding Brice Sensabaugh after Bryce scored 45. Bryce actually managed to have a great game after that explosion so I guess I was wrong to call Brett a thirsty ho for adding a Jazz player after they score 45. Oh well. Lowkey, Brett has been adding some good players! This matchup wasn’t a nail-biter 5-4 like the 5-4 between Monkey Mikey and me. George won all of his categories convincingly and Brett barely won Free Throw Percentage. Little bitch.
- Crashout Markus ran out of meth and couldn’t climb the Victory Hill. Pussy. CM was playing John’s Roommate and a loss for John’s Roommate would’ve really helped out John and me. Too bad my sister stole CM’s meth stash. Oh well. I’m sure CM will do the same to her in the future. They probably steal each other’s meth all the time. Crashout Markus, can I buy low on Devin Vassell? He’s injured right now and you’re slated to miss the playoffs because George won. I just think that we can come together and make something happen so that you don’t decide to steal my dad’s possessions. I know my sister gave you his address and I know you’ll both finagle your way eastward from San Francisco. CM, I just want my dad safe. You can have your meth. Just give me Devin Vassell for someone on my team who is worse than Peyton Watson. It’s a win-win. You make the playoffs, and I get higher upside for the real matchups that decide the championship.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- David!
Yeah, after I called for David’s ouster (and replacement), David beat the best team in the league. Wow. This year is wild.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Monkey Mikey.
Has to be for adding Precious Achiuwa instead of YSL or Goga Bitadze. So bad.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- David!!!
Yes, David’s team went so hard this week. Anfernee Simons went off. Hasidic Homeboy made shots. Nic Claxton and Chet Holmgren got a bunch of blocks and boards. LeBron and Lord Luka were the 2 best players. Crazy.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- David.
This is David’s third award this week. He deserves it. Beat Cream Team!! Cream Team lowkey hella injured right now but still.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Crashout Markus.
Yeah, we’re giving this to CM because he couldn’t get one more steal and actually win a week. Pussy little bitch just had to tie John’s Roommate. Fucker.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
-Token.
Token, you’re pathetic. You’re losing every week after almost tying me in the standings. I can’t wait until you quit after this year. You’re so fucking dumb. You manage a fantasy basketball team like someone who wears “hype” clothes. How many “Essentials” sweatshirts do you have? What about those Yeezy slides? Hey, Token, there’s this guy from Africa who I see work out at the mediocre gym I’m currently marooned at. He wears black-rimmed glasses, is chubby, always wears a University of Minnesota jacket to show everyone how he can read, and always has this big fucking smile on his face like the “scientific” case-studies he reads make him enlightened. A real jackass. Definitely wears those pussy workout gloves. Fucking loves soccer. Do you know him? Does that sound like your cousin? Fuck you, Token.