Alright guys, I think Jalen Suggs has finally beaten the hope out of me.
First of all, let’s give a warm round of applause to George for expertly subbing out Paolo Banchero and Jarrett Allen (career-best game) so that he would win turnovers (and the week). George out-maneuvered me and it won him the week. John even proposed benching everyone at a time that we could’ve and I didn’t understand that if we benched everyone at that time (after the first few games of the day), we would’ve guaranteed victory. Somehow, I don’t feel like life is hopeless right now and I’m pretty sure it’s because Jalen Suggs has extinguished all the hope that Ryan Kalkbrenner and Austin Reaves had enflamed in me during the beginning of the season. So huge shout out to Jalen Suggs’ retard ass!
Guys, usually when John and I lose it really puts me in a dour mood. But not this week! I feel great! What gives?! And that loss was a rough one! Getting out-maneuvered in a turnover battle?! To George?! Why am I not thinking about all the ways to kill the useless boomers who are hoarding America’s land so that they can read the newspaper and pretend that it’s 1985 while honest, hard-working 25-year-old AMERICANS have to give up the dream of raising a family because they aren’t hot enough to give hand jobs to Jensen, Elon, Jeff, Mark, and Larry?! That’s usually a core tenet of losing the week in fantasy basketball! Those plans!
I don’t know. I think that I earnestly tried my best to save this doomed fantasy basketball team and it’s just obvious that Jalen “Satan” Suggs is going to ruin everything he touches during his NBA career. Shout out to you guys for avoiding Jalen Suggs during the draft like he’s Ebola. He is. That’s who Jalen Suggs is. Ebola. After a certain amount of time, you just happily accept death.
And that’s John and me right now!
George, you were great this week. Somehow, Grayson Allen walks into these games and gets 8 assists and 0 turnovers while Devin Booker gets everyone to take his cum shots in their mouth while consistently having a 1:1 assist-to-turnover ratio. Believe me, guys, John and I notice how our team is better with Jordan Goodwin while Devin Booker is out. It’s our season-defining mistake.
But George, you won because you’re maxing out the roster you have. You don’t have any injured players because you only keep 1 injured dude and put him on IR. John and I have Austin Reaves edging us into a return, and Onyeka “Donkey” Okongwu who had his face broken by Jaylen “Tin Man” Brown. Oh, and we have Devin Booker who tore his ankle because he wasn’t looking forward while he was prancing up the court and twisted his shit on Donkey’s foot. Devin was trying to look pretty instead of do his job and pay attention to where he was moving during live game action. Devin knows what this is. This is some kind of strange male fantasy porno. Not basketball. If it was basketball, Devin Booker wouldn’t have been offered that super-max contract extension. No, this is about dude’s rubbing it out to how handsome Devin Booker is. Because it’s sure as fuck not about him as a basketball player. He’s worse than Grayson Allen! And Collin Fucking Gillespie! And obviously DILLON BROOKS! Goddamn, are the Suns good this year because they’re exploiting the market inefficiency that is “Competent Whites”? Name another NBA team with as much CW as the Phoenix Suns! You could say the Celtics I guess. Guys, I just looked at the standings. It’s the Suns! They’re really the NBA team that’s empowering white basketball players! LMAO!
But yeah, George, I’m concerned about you in the playoffs where everyone will be managing their teams like you are right now. But hey, I have Jalen Suggs’ retard ass so who am I to voice concerns about other rosters?! No one! Nothing!
General Week 14 Notes:
- George beat Shadow Manager because George pulled Paolo Banchero and Jarrett Allen and Shadow left in Jalen Suggs to lose turnovers. Yeah. George was actually killing Shadow and John for the entirety of the week. This wasn’t supposed to turn into a close call but it did.
- Nathan beat Token. Wow, 7-2. Is Token still setting his lineups? Hasn’t Kawhi been taking some off-days recently? Why is Nathan winning like that?
- David beat Monkey Mikey. Yo, David’s team is highkey coming on strong right now because Lord Luka and LeBron are turning the frick up. That, and Chet has been killing. Monkey Mikey is the worst team in the league probably.
- It says 7-2 but the matchup was actually closer than that between Patrick and Brett. Obviously Patrick won because Patrick’s team is a wagon but it looks like riding the Wizards and Jazz is turning out to be a less comfortable wagon than a wagon built on honest teams.
- Cream Team beat the Jesus out of Crashout Markus. Goddamn guys. You see Crashout Markus make John and I eat dirt one week and then you see CM go against the best team in the league and you really understand that this season is completely pointless unless Cream Team gets some injuries. Cream Team routinely wins 3PM, Rebounds, Assists, and Points. It’s wild how he leads all those categories so frequently.
Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” won a points battle against John’s Roommate. John’s Roommate’s team is crumbling because Erik Spoelstra has banished Kel’el Ware. Hey, John’s Roommate, John and I know how it feels to have success based upon a big man who’s talents and playing time are in serious doubt by their coaching staffs. When John and I had Ryan Kalkbrenner at the beginning of the season, we were 7-1! Now we’re accepting death because of the amount of Jalen Suggs exposure we’ve had!
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- George/Grayson Allen:
George for expertly pulling Paolo and Jarrett Allen in a turnover contest. Grayson for getting 8 assists and 0 turnovers.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Shadow Manager.
For not pulling Jalen Suggs when that would’ve won the week.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
Jesus Fucking Christ, this is just sick. It’s not that he’s leading the league in assists and rebounds. It’s that he’s leading by about 25! That’s a lot! And points?! Leading by 80! This team is fucking stupid. No wonder I’ve abandoned all hope in the season.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Nathan.
Yeah, let’s give it to Nathan this week. A light board for Surprise award nominees. Nathan gets it for beating Token who somehow has an average record.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Shadow Manager.
For all of his bullshit earlier in the year about how he was winning because he’s some kind of mythological being and now losing to Crashout Markus and George. Shadow was always full of bullshit. We can’t wait to see him lose in the first round of the ‘yoffs.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
-Token.
Wow, Token. Now you’re losing to Nathan? Hey, if you play next year, do you want an extra 5th round pick? Would that help you compete with everyone else despite your historical persecution?