Yeah guys, I started watching Mr. Robot. It’s great. It’s so sad how the themes of wealth inequality hit a decade ago when it was made and have now just gotten more serious. Oh well. You guys have me and I can drag all of you with me on the lifeboat to economic mobility. As has been said many a times, I am your salvation. You are my sacred burden.
Fun fact, since I’m rapidly becoming a true-blue tech faggot, it’s very easy for me to understand the “tech stuff” that is portrayed in Mr. Robot. No, I do not know how to “hack” a software system. Yes, I know terminal commands. I’m pretty sure that Sam Esmail was barred from showing anything that would actually teach someone how to retrieve another person’s login credentials. Did Sam really do that during his academic career? Maybe! But guys, what hits home to me the most about Elliot’s “hacking” is that he just has the basic understanding that you can input someone’s name (and maybe city or some other superfluous detail) into the address bar and you can know the important details about someone. We’re all trying to shove our own bullshit down each other’s throats. It’s quite easy to find.
For example, the dude in high school who every chick had sex with is now an upstanding homeowner in Denver! Whether that equity amount is current or what he put down in 2022 is not clear. So we can’t say for certain if your’s truly has a higher net worth than him. Guys, I’ve never had a loan and I don’t intend to start one. If I ever buy a property, it will be with cash. Not the Jew’s financial entrapment that all of you have been desensitized into politely calling “mortgages”. Sneaky Jews.
I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
Anyways, guys. There were moments this past week when I was considering the return of the Dan Campbell voice memos addressing my team. Obviously, that didn’t happen. It was just last matchup that I was bemoaning how “John and I aren’t a serious team this year”. Even me, the Shadow Manager, the guy who chokes on his own bullshit, can’t go from that to screaming about how “We write our own story, we’ve said it all along.”
We’ll see what happens after we play Token’s quitting ass. Hey Token, how is it going with Uncle Pascal and Andrew Nembhard? Are they getting declared Out because the Pacers need more lottery balls? Oh, they are, aren’t they? And is Jalen Johnson doing absolutely everything for a Hawks team that is trying to make the playoffs? Token, you’re a retard. You’re dumb. When people with my ambition but without my concern for the proletariat, blithely dismiss the struggle of the everyman, you’re going to be right there proving them right. Token, you are going to live the rest of your life as a shining example of people who say, “Everyone is stupid, I’m not feeling bad about legally stealing wealth from the average person”, being right. And me being the fool for getting sad that most people need miracles to escape the social class they were born in. Fuck you, Token.
OK that’s enough Token. Guys, John and I (John likes it when I lie and give him credit for being anything other than a good-for-nothing drunkard who can’t stop asking for Cason Wallace to be dropped even though he’s our fourth-best player) just beat the team with the best record. Shout out Patrick! See guys, MY TEAM has what I have. WE have resilience. When Jalen Suggs had his annual 15-game break because he’s too stupid to stay healthy, we just kept SHOWING UP. When “Oh” Devin Booker had his fraudulent run of being the 16th best point guard, we just kept SHOWING UP. When Austin Reaves got injured and fucked our team because Oh Devin is an absolute jackass who fooled us into giving him responsibility, we just kept… SHOWING UP! Because that’s who we are. We smell competition. We hang on to the rope of battle and we don’t let go unless you actually split our head open with an ax. Go ahead, chop off our fingers. Take a leg off. Stab us in the back. Because you know what? We’re going to get our iron hot and we’re going to cauterize our wounds. And then we’re going to crawl towards you with nothing but the will to WIN!
That is your burden when you go up against the Choke Artist Charlatans!
General Week 17 Notes:
- Patrick’s team is highkey broken. He was always riding a dangerous roller-coaster with the amount of Nets, Wizards, and Jazz players who he was rostering. Well, against me, that roller-coaster shot off the tracks. Too many days off from Alex Sarr, Keyontae George, Michael “Boy Toy” Porter, Jusuf Nurkic, and Kyshawn George. That’s a lot of players! It speaks to how amazing the rest of Patrick’s roster is that the matchup was even close with turnovers and that he won in points. All hail Donovan Mitchell! All hail Payton “P Rabbit” Pritchard!! All hail Andrew “Maple Jordan” Wiggins!!! We’re not hailing Kovid Towns. Fuck that dude.
Did Patrick take the week off by not making a single matchup acquisition? Yes. Would that have made a difference? Probably, although it would have to have been more than one acquisition, and it couldn’t have been for someone who tanked percentages.
But yeah, guys. Oh Devin was shit for the whole matchup. Austin Reaves is working his way back up to thirty minutes a game, and Jalen Suggs decided that he was playing too much recently. When Austin Reaves is playing, our team has a chance. When Jalen Suggs is taking a break from his mental retardation and playing, we’re a serious team. We led the league in blocks with a team of guards! Thanks, Derrick “Alien Eyes” White!
- Brett lost to Nathan. Lmao. Welcome to the club, Brett!! The club of People Who Lost To Nathan! It sucks. Why did Brett lose? Probably something to do with “Selfish” Shai Gilgeous not playing and Brett being a 2-person team completely reliant on Selfish Shai and Tyrese Maxey. Brett is out here praying that Cam Thomas will save him (and the Bucks). Jay Huff has been freed and somehow Brett was the guy who wifed up that passed-around vagina.
Nathan is riding Kawhi, LaMelo, and fucking Kelly Oubre to glory. Jesus Christ.
- Crashout Markus barely beat Monkey Mikey. We’re not going to spend one second figuring out how that happened. We are merely going to say that Crashout Markus really needed that win because George got shit-pumped and now Crashout Markus is ahead of George in the standings. As of this moment, George isn’t making the playoffs even though he took advantage of Token being black and unfairly traded with Token. Aka, traded with Token at all. Trading with Token should be disallowed because Token can’t understand who is good and who is bad.
- LMAO, speak of the devil, Token beat John’s Roommate!!!! WOW! John’s Roommate must have shit for brains. Fuck both of these teams. John and I would’ve beaten both this past week.
- George got absolutely powned by David. Shit’s crazy. Do you have a ruptured Achilles? If yes, then welcome to George’s team! George is choking his way out of the playoffs.
- HOLY FUCK, Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” beat Cream Team?!?! WHAT?!??! Cream Team?!? Cream Team is an unholy corporate conglomerate of wealth! How did he lose to PBTMH?!?
Well guys, Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic is back. He’s having a ton of turnovers but he’s killing literally every other stat. So there’s that. Desmond Bane is having a personal renaissance even though the Magic are sucking major dick right now. Brook López has emerged from the ashes of Little Game James Harden and become an excellent fantasy center. Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges had himself a week. Amen Thompson isn’t playing like a second-rounder but he’s still good. Heck, even Evan Mobley returned for a cup of tea. Oh, and Kyle Filipowski might’ve been the best matchup acquisition. It doesn’t take much for a team with Lord Voldemort to be excellent and this past couple of weeks, PBTMH managed to do enough. Here’s to wishing him the best on his path towards becoming an owner who isn’t a little monkey that I slaughter on the way to the championship!
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Oh Devin.
He’s injured again. There was this heartwarming tidbit in his news blurb about how he tried to come back into the game even though he had a 2-week hip injury. More propaganda for the Oh Devin media machine. Media around Oh Devin might be more fake than the federal numbers relating to unemployment. Oh Devin might be a more adroit spin artist than Mr. President.
Don’t worry guys, my team gets better without Oh Devin. As long as we have Austin Reaves!
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- George.
There were A LOT of candidates this week. Pretty much every good team (besides mine) lost, but we’re giving this to George because he refuses to let a day go by without adding a player who has a ruptured Achilles. Even if these players come back, they’re not going to play in all the games, so the raw output of their numbers isn’t going to be better than replacement level. Leave it to George to figure that out the hard way.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- PBTMH.
Yeah, if you beat Cream Team, you get this award. Dat law!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Brett.
Losing to Nathan is a surefire way to win this. In a week where all of the favored teams lost, Brett stands out for losing to the team with the 3-13 record. Congratulations, Brett.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- George.
George is taking home more than 1 dickhead award and it’s because John shared with me some correspondence from George that communicated how George felt it was silly and overly speculative of me to add Jared McCain. Hey George, how about you shut the fuck up and keep your vapid thoughts in your own building? You just lost 1-8 to fucking David. Do you have 6 Out players? You’re not slated to make the playoffs, where 66% of the teams make the playoffs even with you harvesting Token for his best player. You’re a clown, George. Fuck off.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
I’m out of things to say about how awful Token is so I’ll use this space to get a little bit happy because I just interviewed with a company and at the end of the interview, the 2 guys were like, “So you’re based in St. Pete?”, “You’re okay with starting in 2 weeks?”, “You’re okay with a 7 week initial contract period?” Guys, if I become “overemployed” and start getting the $5,000 weekly direct deposits, I am going to just be more of me. That’s a promise. But you guys know how these tech interviews are. They never turn out well. We’ll see.