Guess who’s back!?! Shadow Manager is back, BITCHES!!! TELL A FRIEND!!!
We write our own story! WE’VE SAID IT ALL ALONG!
After all we’ve been through. After all the smut that George, Cream Team, and occasionally Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” have put on MY NAME! We are back. The Choke Artist Charlatans has PERSERVERED through that stretch in the middle of the season where we went 2-5. Losing to Nathan. Losing to Token’s black ass. Losing to George because we didn’t realize that we needed to bench everyone in a turnover battle (and also Grayson Allen doing some dumb shit and not getting a single turnover in a game that he played 35 minutes in). Yes, we have walked through the Valley of Chi where death is. Top floor, the view alone will leave you breathless.
FUCK WITH ME!!! So much determination doe! I’m the goddamn Shadow Manager. The hardest nigga in Madden. How is it that every year, I drag John’s drunkard ass to at least the third-best record in the league and an honest-to-God shot at winning the championship? Because I put the team on my back every day, every week, every season, and I crack MAJOR ASS.
Y’all niggas pussy. That’s another reason.
Every year, the shitheads of the league (Nathan, George, David) pass on good players in the draft, and every year I’m right there in John’s ear to tell him to draft Jaden McDaniels. All y’all niggas HATE Jaden McDaniels because he’s too poor, too black, and shot too many people on ride-alongs growing up in Seattle. Jesus Fucking Christ, David drafted him last year and Jaden was good! What happens this year?! Well, David falls for the Brandon Ingram trap and Nathan decides to pick Reed Sheppard and Buddy Hield over MY NIGGA Jaden McDaniels. Playoff DOG. Playoff KILLER.
You guys are the worst. You walk around with your dumbfuck diplomas, and you ignore the ghetto KILLERS like MY NIGGA Jaden Motherfucking McDaniels. Do you guys watch the playoffs?! You must not, because Jaden McDaniels is always being a dog on the Timberwolves’ annual walkabout to the Bestern Conference Finals. I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ, Jaden did it last year to the Lakers. The team that all of you “root for”. Really, I just think all of you are so stupid that you can’t see that you’ve been brainwashed by the Lakers’ Big Media to associate your childhood upbringing with that dumbfuck franchise that hasn’t done dick since they were able to be gifted that LOADED team with Pau Gasol, Ron Artest, Lamar Odom, Trevor Ariza, Andrew Bynum, Luke Walton, and Jordan Farmar. That team was propping up the bullshit that Kobe was peddling and all of you fraternity fucktards know it. You know it, but you bury that admission like a kid whose dad molests him growing up. Shout out, Mr. Robot! But seriously, guys, Ron Artest was so good, he dragged the Sacramento QUEENS to the playoffs in 2006! People don’t remember that Ron Artest was lowkey Kawhi Leonard. And then that scam artist Kobe Bryant got his hands on Ron-Ron and took all of the credit that Ron-Ron deserved for his own bullshit marketing campaign that conned generations of idiots in Los Angeles into truly believing that Kobe was the equal to LeBron, Duncan, Garnett, KAWHI, and Dirk. Shit is so despicable. Like Elon being a trillionaire and having 14 kids. 7 through IVF. Jesus Christ.
Every year, with clear eyes and a full heart, I yell at John to draft niggas from all walks of life so that when March rolls around, I get to gloat about how all of you fraternity fucktards can’t hold my dick in fantasy basketball (and real-life basketball, among some other things like being a man with balls).
OK, since this is the second-to-last week of the season and we’re probably going to do playoff matchup previews next week, let’s give a quick assessment of each team before going through the Awards!
PBTMH: Good, not great year from you. Right now, your team looks like it could win the championship but you had way too many losses during the year for a team that has Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic. Picking Darius Garland and Paul George will do that to you. Oh my God, you drafted DLo when Clingan and Nic Claxton were available! I guess it doesn’t matter because Desmond Bane has been saving your season. It looks like you’re going to have a bloodbath against John’s Roommate in the first round and then play Cream Team. PBTMH, your team is scary. Good job having a competitive season this year. We know that’s the exception, not the rule, for you.
John’s Roommate: Good, not great. You had the blessing of drafting Wembanyama, and your record is worse than John's and mine. I’m guessing that the Kel’el Ware Roller-Coaster fucked you for a few weeks. You had a stretch during the beginning of the season where you looked like the best team, but unlike John and me, you didn’t persevere through your midseason swoon. Still, your team looks scary, and that first-round playoff matchup against PBTMH is going to be so entertaining. I guess that there is a “Vincent” who operates this team and has been one of the dumbest owners in league history, and that there is a “Chris” who has lived with John long enough to have absorbed the knowledge necessary to resuscitate even the most retarded of fantasy franchises. Shout out Chris!
Brett: Here we go. You had the privilege of drafting “Selfish” Shai Gilgeous. A privilege that John and I rode to the best fantasy season that didn’t win a championship last year. You have that privilege, and you pissed it away. And you even have Maxey, the top-rated player in the league! Truly devious shit you’re pulling off Brett. Real dumb. I love how I look at your roster over the weekend and see that you haven’t set your lineup in a critical matchup that will be extremely important for playoff seeding. You’ve held onto Kum Bucket Kuminga for the whole year and have frequently left him on either IR or the bench when Kum Bucket has been freed in Atlanta. You’re a trash fantasy owner. I can’t wait for you to quietly drop off after the year because you “can’t handle the grind” or “can’t watch the games”. You’re such a pussy.
David: Lmao, you might be the picture of “Lakers Fanboi”. You drafted all the Lakers besides the one that matters, Austin Reaves! You’ll always have that one win over Cream Team where Lord Luka and LeBron decided to play four excellent games that week. So you’ll always have that memory. But it looks like you’ll have a tough time making the ‘yoffs. George isn’t losing this week but Token will. Idk how the tie-breakers will work, but that’s assuming you win this week. Which you probably won’t.
Crashout Markus: Lmao you drafted Giannis. You’ve been irrelevant this whole season. Yeah, you beat me during the nadir of my season. You can enjoy that like David enjoyed beating Cream Team. You’re irrelevant this year, and you’ve been irrelevant for every second that you’ve been a part of this league. You can’t handle this. You’re out of your depth.
Cream Team: Phenomenal year. You’re the heavy favorite to win the chip. After every week, I look at how you lead in points, 3PM, rebounds, and assists. It’s so crazy. No one has dominated stats that typically don’t go together like you have this year. And your team is SO HEALTHY! Crazy stuff. It hurts to admit, but you’re amazing.
George: Fuck you for taking advantage of Token’s retardation. Highkey, I want you to face Cream Team in the first round because I have faith in you to maximize your shot of winning by making shrewd free agent streams but you deserve the shit-pumping that Cream Team will give you for continuing your annual tradition of farming the league retards for their best players in exchange for your dogshit.
Patrick: Patrick, this hurts because we’re kinda friends. Ask John how that goes for him. Anyway, it feels like you’re on the way to another season that was the reason you have an award named after you. It feels like you’re about to piss away a season that you seemed to win…
Monkey Mikey: Obligatory Ryan Rollins mention. Ok, you drafted all the injured players. Maybe next year don’t draft the dude who had offseason wrist surgery and hasn’t been practicing since that cut date? Maybe? Maybe don’t draft Lauri “Terminator” Markkanen AND Joel “Ebole” Embiid? I don’t think anyone will ever have a season with as many missed games as you had this year. Way to defend a championship, dipshit.
John: You did great babe. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Nathan: Fuck you, you’re stupid. Yeah, you beat me once. And you beat Brett. Whatever. Another year, another last-place finish for Nathan.
Token: I seriously want you replaced next year. I have someone who will be great but maybe George knows someone too. Token, you need to be gone. Just quietly walk away and don’t look back. We’re a better league without you and if George had any dick, he wouldn’t give you the option of returning.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- No one. Yeah, this award goes vacant this week because we’re not giving it to “Oh” Devin Booker again. As you all know, we don’t like repeat award-winners and John and I just had a great week. Shout out to us.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Patrick.
Sorry Pat, but you get this for dropping Keyontae George and then losing the waiver claim to get him back. You did this to still lose 1-8 to Cream Team. But this way, you let Cream Team claim who may be your best player. All-time retard shit from you and even though we’re lowkey friends, I refuse to be a part of any friendship where I look the other way while true retard shit like what you just pulled with Keyontae George goes on. I know you’re angry but you know you deserve this. Now, it’s my job as your lowkey friend to not be too harsh with you during this time of vulnerability. But I have to spank you a little bit. Useless Friends wouldn’t mention this. They would say you’re doing great. I hate Useless Friends. I hate Useless People. My paternal grandparents are useless. I hate them. There you go, Pat.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
I guess PBTMH won this last week, so I have to give it to Cream Team since he didn’t win last week. Now he has Keyontae George which is not great for everyone else. I regret not putting in a waiver claim on Keyontae. This hurts.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Crashout Markus.
Yeah, I’m giving it to Crashout Markus for pulling out that win against Nathan. It was extremely important that he win that to set up a lowkey playoff game this week against George. Good job, Crashout Markus!
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Brett.
For benching Kum Bucket Kuminga so many times when he held onto Kum Bucket against all reason for the whole year. Major dipshit behavior. Brett tied a matchup that he NEEDED to win against John’s Roommate because of steals. On the last day of the matchup, all Brett had to do was play Devin Vassell over Cam Thomas and he would’ve beat John’s Roommate. But no, Brett is a dipshit and like all dipshits, Brett is tricked into believing Cam Thomas’ bullshit. What a fuck-up.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, I just tuned your shit up 8-1. I just laid a major track over your black ass and ran a fucking locomotive over your bitch ass. Fuck you. Eat a dick.