What the fuck? How was a movie that amazing made in 2023?! So, is Glen Powell, like, the best actor right now?! He must be.
Moving on.
Why aren’t the playoffs more exciting? Why has John gotten caught up with being a disheveled pig? Is it over?
Yeah, I took out a wooden baseball bat and ended Brett’s season. So what? I mean, I guess it’s kinda cool that I got to talk about how Brett is going to quit next year before our matchup and then proceeded to beat Brett 8-1. That little respite from the inevitability of Cream Team was cool. But even with that little edge of “real talk” with Brett didn’t get me excited for this inevitability that these playoffs will give us. It’s actually unlikely that we will beat George because Token gave George Jalen Johnson in exchange for 2 Pacers players that the team is trying to preserve for next year. Oh, and Cream Team added Keyontae George because Patrick confused “Kyshawn”, “Washington Wizards”, and “SF” with “Keyontae”, “Utah Jazz”, and “PG”.
Hey, guys, can you ever imagine me mistakenly dropping a top-40 player? No, no you can’t. It’s because it would not happen in a thousand lifetimes. I’m not even going to ask about the possibility of me doing the retard mess that Token does. Every year that Token is in the league, he will do a trade that makes a playoff team way better than it should be. And every year that Token is in the league, he won’t make the playoffs. It’s shit like that that makes being a part of a fantasy league unpalatable.
Quick story time. There was a fantasy sports club in Butt Fuck Riverside that I was briefly a part of. It was brief because the league commissioner traded with someone else and that trade was one-sided. That trade made the commissioner win. And guys, that’s what real life is. For guys at least. Your mission in life as a man is to become charismatic enough to attract a legion of male followers who pledge allegiance to you. Then you either farm your legion for time, wages, attention, adulation, or the best fantasy players. With your farmed commodities, you then turn around and put penis in vagina. That’s how it works! Because now, at this point in history, just earning wages is not enough to put penis in vagina unless you somehow gerrymander the situation so that you can earn at least 2 wages at the same time. You need the exponential return of harvested people.
Thanks, George, for proving that this is how it works even in this fucktard fraternity fantasy basketball league! But this is even worse because Token is black and George is “white” so we get the added reinforcement that blacks are just pawns that people like George use for their own wealth generation (fantasy basketball championships in this case). George, you’re racist. You’re racist because you allow Token to be in the league, and you know full well that Token can’t let a season go by without helping a playoff team get way better at his own expense. George, it’s sick. You’re sick. I’m so fucking sick of this season. I fucking took John’s pathetic drunkard ass back from the brink all the way to a second-place finish in the regular season and a fully operational Jalen Suggs but no, Jayson Tatum had to come back 100%, Token had to gift Jalen Johnson to a serious team, and the Sacramento Queens have to keep doing this retard mess of playing Westbroke over Devin Carter. This is just awful. Fuck you. Fuck me.
It’s like I can only be happy if I drag John to the championship. It’s like, nothing below that matters. You know what, that is Penis Head Silver’s NBA. Regular working-class people like me can’t find happiness with a second-place regular season. And it’s not even that I can’t be happy with it, I have to know that it means nothing because there is no value in the regular season. Some team is just going to do something unscrupulous and then become a playoff juggernaut that completely invalidates the previous 19 weeks. Because we’re being brainwashed that it’s either first or last. That’s the NBA. That’s America. That’s Fijian Fantasy.
PLAYOFF MATCHUPS!
John’s Roommate vs Brett -
Brett’s team died. I killed it. It’s the worst team in the playoff field and John’s Roommate gets to face it because MY organization refuses to play any week with the intention of losing. Congratulations, John’s Roommate. You get the biggest pushover in week 1.
John’s been holding on to his belief that Tyrese Maxey will get injured because he’s having too much load carrying the 76ers, and John was right! Maxey is out for the first week of playoffs, and he’s been the number 1 overall player up to this point.
John’s Roommate has been on the good part of the Kel’el Ware roller-coaster. Wembanyama is healthy and fucking ridiculous. Tyler Herro recently came back from injury and started playing like Duke JJ Redick. Shit is crazy. How many threes did Herro make against the Hornets?! I watched that tape! He was incredible! He never does that in the playoffs!
This is going to be a shit-pumping. 8-1 for John’s Roommate.
Patrick vs Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” -
Patrick’s team died, and there is going to be a modified “Award for PMoose” next year if John and I return (which assumes that George won’t win the championship after beating us). Patrick, listen, there has to be. You dropped Keyontae George because you “confused” him with Kyshawn George! That has to be mentioned. Go ahead and disavow me for that but it has to be so. Go ahead and call me a racist or whatever PBTMH and the rest of the gang describe me as. Whatever.
Another shit-pumping. 7-2 for PBTMH.
Cream Team vs Crashout Markus -
LOL, Cream Team is going to win 8-1 from Monday all the way through to the end. This is Cream Team’s championship and only George can stop it. But if George stops it, then it’s a tainted title and we all need to stop playing fantasy basketball because Token ruined the shred of fair competition that we had all relied upon.
And now for the only competitive matchup for the first week…
Shadow Manager (fuck John) vs George (GK) -
Yeah guys, I love to quit before trying just as much as the next guy so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. My team has been smoke and mirrors this whole season and George has actually assembled a good team with the additions of Jalen Johnson, Jayson Tatum, Dejounte Murray, and even Oso Ighodaro. This team that George has right now is not the team that went 9-10 during the regular season.
Yeah, my team is completely healthy, which Jalen Suggs is dying to change, so that won’t last. Yeah, I’m mentally prepared to lose and then blame John for everything that went wrong while giving me credit for everything that went right. It’s only fair.
Watch GK win this 6-3.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- No one.
Yeah, I just beat the piss out of Brett 8-1 after bringing back the Dan Campbell voice memos after winning. No one made me look like a jackass.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Patrick.
Yeah, repeat winner here but Patrick deserves it. Keyontae George has been nothing short of incredible after coming back from that ankle injury and Patrick got shit-housed by David to fall from second place all the way to fourth. Side note, John gave me his usual word-vomit about how we would’ve finished ahead of John’s Roommate “because of winning percentage”. John is so fucking stupid. Ties are just completely over his level of understanding. I can’t wait until Kalshi and Poly Market bankrupt John. Anyways, the moral of the story is that the more games you play .500 ball, the closer you get to .500 and the farther away you get from 2-1, aka .666. Hopefully, that explains how an 11-6- 2 record is 1% better than a 12-7 record. Fuck you, John.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- George.
Fuck Cream Team. I’m switching this up to give George the award for the last week of the regular season. Anthony Edwards has been killing. Jalen Johnson is obviously phenomenal. Even Paolo Banchero is being something besides the living embodiment of the Magic’s lost hopes and dreams! Way to go, George! Screw Token’s black ass for everything he owns! Just like Kalshi!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- David.
The only upset of the week. Yeah, Patrick is giving us his trademark meltdown, but David did go out there and give Patrick an ass-fucking, so credit where credit is due. 7-2. Good job, David.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Token.
For probably tainting the season by trading away a healthy Jalen Johnson for 2 guys on a team trying to lose.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, if this shit goes how I think it will go, it’s either going to be me or you next year.