Mikey Pledge, did you think that your song and dance and your superstition would save you? I AM THE THIRD REVELATION! I AM WHO THE LORD HAS CHOSEN! Because I’m smarter than you. I am older and wiser and I AM NOT A FALSE PROPHET, you SNIVELING BOY!
General Week 2 Notes:
- We’ll start with the rematch of the previous Finals. Listen, Mikey Pledge, John and I know what it feels like when you come to the party ready to fuck. I know that you think I’m some kind of loveless loser who doesn’t know what it feels like to really fuck but that’s not true. That’s something that you tell yourself at night to make yourself more comfortable with the fact that you got ran through by John and me this past week. Let me tell you something. It’s not true. I know what it feels like. And this past week, I didn’t feel like you gave a genuine effort. Actually, it took about three days for me to start questioning the erection that you came to fuck with. After four days, I knew that you were quiet quitting our matchup.
You Sniveling Boy.
Hey guys, have you seen Mikey Pledge’s roster? Have you noticed how he’s rostering 4 injured “All-Stars”? Do you remember how last year Mikey Pledge got “Lord” Luka Doncic back for the fantasy playoffs and then won the championship because John and me (lol, mostly me, who are we kidding. I’m the guy who fucks all of you. John’s the one who watches) added Isaiah Stewart instead of my cleppy light-skin brother Ryan Rollins? I know you guys remember that! You’ll never forget it for the rest of your lives! Just like John and me! You guys are so smart! But anyways, back to that Sniveling Boy Mikey Pledge. He’s tanking the season just hoping that his injured players will cum back for the playoffs and get him to win another championship as a team that barely makes the playoffs. It’s gross stuff. It’s something that you would expect from “Penis Head” Adam Silver’s NBA. Is our dear commissioner GK going to let this blatant tanking go by without doing anything? Of course GK isn’t going to do dick about this. What can he do? Complain? Take away a draft pick next year? No. It’s up to ME! It’s always up to me to fix what is wrong with the world. Because I am the THIRD REVELATION! There’s some silly Bible quote about God giving his biggest challenges to his strongest disciples. Guys, we’re smart. We’re “college-educated”. We know that God is just a song and dance meant to enslave stupid people. We know that I’m the real Prophet.
OK, fine, we’ll stick to the matchup. John and I beat Mikey Pledge to death with a bowling pin. What else did you expect? Listen guys, John and I don’t have Wembanyama. We don’t have Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic. We don’t have “Selfish” Shai Gilgous, although we miss him dearly and look despondently at his box scores whenever we check up on Ajay Mitchell. By the way, GK, THANK YOU for Ajay Mitchell. It’s so crazy that you dropped him when your team is so god awful.
Next up in line for a holy ass-beating from John and me is Markus aka Play-In Prodigy. Guys, it’s so crazy how last year, John and I won about 7 weeks in a row and I decided to start making a weekly recap in that faggoty substack (RIP thank goodness) about how I just beat major ass of a bunch of my Esteemed Editor’s fucktard fraternity friends and never lose. Guys, it’s so crazy how you all just bend over and take it up the ass EVERY WEEK! And I tell you beforehand that I’m going to tear you a new asshole. And NOTHING CHANGES! You guys do wonders for my self-esteem! I love you guys. My blessed patronage.
Do you guys have any idea who I am?! Really, any fucking clue?! Even after the years of ass-beatings in fantasy basketball, I don’t think you do. I think all of you fraternity fucktards just might not be capable of understanding who I am. Guys, I’m the Shadow Manager. I’m the nigga who went from laying down flooring at LAX at 4 in the morning, to cheating and scamming a multi-national corporate conglomerate into letting me be a “data engineer”. That’s me. Know that.
And this week it’s Markus’ turn to remember what it feels like to get fucked by John and me.
- Patrick took another one of our league’s dregs (Nathan) out behind a woodshed and cracked their ass. There’s not a lot to say. Nathan is counting beans for Taco Bell and getting wrecked in fantasy every week. Of course all of you guys constantly look back at the draft recap to understand where you did bad and who you should’ve drafted at each spot. Well… besides Nathan. There’s a lot of beans to count at Taco Bell. A lot of beans, and a lot of different kinds of beans. Nathan has to count all of them and sort them into their own “buckets”. That’s what all “analysts” do at Taco Bell. It’s really important work that they pay Nathan a lot for. Nathan doesn’t just count beans for his own professional development. He counts beans to “serve the community”. It’s really meaningful for Nathan because his mom (and dad? Nathan, did your dad stick around?) raised him on Taco Bell so when beans are counted correctly, Nathan feels like he’s helping the next generation of beaner grow up with adequate nutrition.
Nathan drafted Buddy Hield one spot before I demanded that John draft Jaden McDaniels. Yeah, that’s Nathan For You (pun!).
- Lock City/David showed all of us that he’s a legitimate team this year and smacked around Cream Team. Listen, David, John and I understood that you were serious when you went into Friday winning against us last week but I have a sneaking suspicion that the rest of the fraternity fucktards didn’t understand that this year, you are legitimate. David, you’re gonna fuck this year. Believe it.
- Lmfao, Token won again! This time against Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH”! Last year, Token only made free agent pickups when his guys got hurt. He had people like PBTMH wonder out loud why he was even in the league. Obviously, PBTMH is racsist af and doesn’t want Token in the league for reasons besides his lackadaisical ownership. Well look at how the tables have turned! Token picked up Davion “Kindergardener” Mitchell yesterday and he cracked PBTMH! After BARELY beating our commissioner! Oh My God! This is crazy! Token is 2-0!
- Brett obviously beat the piss out of GK. Brett has a really good team. GK is our commissioner. GK does not have a good team. Aside from one year where GK convinced Nathan to trade him all his good player’s, GK hasn’t done shit in this league. Guys, GK drafted Jalen Green. GK is not a serious person. He’s the epitome of “fraternity fucktard”. It’s people like GK who are the reason why I get to play God and smash all of you idiots EVERY YEAR in fantasy basketball so that John can look past the fact that I am an empty human being who doesn’t have feelings or “empathy” and be my friend.
Brett has a frightening team. I want to say that Brett has the best team in the league but he would’ve lost 4-5 to John and me last week. So I can’t say that. Because John and I have the best team. Understand?
- Markus beat John’s Roommate 5-4. I know you’re wondering how that possibly came to be after last week when I said that John’s Roommate had the best team. Well I’ll tell you! It’s because Wembanyama had a bad week making shots. I said this last week and I’ll repeat it again, John’s Roommate has a team built to consistently win 5-4. Those 5 categories have to be: FG%, Rebounds, Stocks, and Turnovers. When you go against John’s Roommate, you might need to bench some guys to win FG% or Turnovers. It’s really like that.
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- No One.
Sorry, this award doesn’t have a recipient this week. That’s what happens when Mikey Pledge quits on the matchup against me. Sniveling Boy.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Nathan.
We could give this award to Nathan every week. Actually, we could even name this award after Nathan he’s so fucking stupid. Since we gave GK his shine last week, we’ll give this weekly designation to Nathan this week. We try not to have repeat winners so unless Nathan does something like agree to trade all of his good players to GK in an attempt to collude for the championship, we’ll get someone else next week.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Shadow Manager.
Sorry guys, but this week it’s me. I actually think that John’s Roommate would’ve tied against John and me this week but John’s Roommate lost to Play-In. You can’t lose and get the Award for Most Impressive Team. That’s a rule.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- David/Lock City.
We actually thot this would be for Token starting 2-0 but Token played against PBTMH and that team is SO BAD. Somehow PBTMH has a Juris Doctoris but can’t manage a consistently viable fantasy basketball team. Only a consistently viable handjob with those soft little Asian hands. But yeah, David took the ass beating that I gave him in the first week, regrouped, and took out all of his anger on Cream Team! Good for David! Take out your frustration on your fantasy basketball opponent. Not your girlfriend! For Christ’s sake!
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- MIKEY PLEDGE.
Because he’s tanking the season! Because he’s actively degrading the integrity of our league! Listen, guys, I beat your asses every goddamn week. I have to win because John mandates it. He’ll break up with me if I don’t nail all of you to the cross and deliver you to the afterlife! We’re never going to even contemplate tanking. We are going to WIN EVERY WEEK. Well, that’s not Mikey Pledge. Mikey Pledge is going to tank this year and roster 4 injured guys on the 5% chance that they return for the fantasy playoffs and actually play in a way that wins. Fuck you, Mikey Pledge. If GK had any dick, he would issue some kind of sanction on your bitch ass. Hell, even PBTMH might make a half-hearted document on Canva besmirching your name for this dogshit you’re giving us.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Well I’ll be damned, Token! 2-0! Adding players off free agency! Not being an embarrassment to The Community! Great to have you here, Token. Good luck against Patrick. He’s a legit opponent and you’ve been feasting off the fucktards who make bad teams every year. You’re the heavy underdog now.