Accept the limits of what you can and can not do. You can be a part of Fijian Fantasy. You can have fun at the draft. You can read all the fantasy basketball articles in the world. You can talk to as many experts as you possibly can. You can live your life and you can enjoy it.
But you can not beat the Shadow Manager. Accept that. You are but a bit character in the rich tapestry that the artist you have affectionately dubbed SM is weaving into this world.
Listen, guys (relax, guy), it’s a new league year. It’s only been 3 weeks. The season is long. There is hope among us… injuries happen… but… there’s the Shadow Manager. The Shadow Manager who tells all of you that you’re about to be butt-fucked and gets proven a soothsayer for that benevolent proclamation. Hey Markus, how about you change your name from “Play-In Prodigy” to “Play-In Prison Bish”? CTESPN doesn’t allow for “Prison Bitch” so we’re going to have to get creative, which is something that you’re thoroughly incapable of but you have my dick in your ass (strictly for dominance display reasons) and while I’m inside you, I can fill your empty head with clever thots and appropriate team names. Prodigy. Jesus Fucking Christ. Markus, you were born of your mother’s filth. You are no prodigy. I AM THE THIRD REVELATION! I AM WHO HE HAS CHOSEN!
That’s right Bitches! I’m 3-0! John used to get squeamish about me telling all of you that I would crack your asses before the matchup, but now John is desensitized to all of it. I don’t have to hear all of John’s pussy libtard bullshit about how telling Markus/Play-In Prodigy that I’m going to take my wood bowling pin and crack his skull with it on my bowling alley before having my butler clean up his drippings and dispose of the wretched mess in the backyard before finishing my steak meal.
I tried to show him. Going on you with the pick and roll. Shadow Manager, he in sicko mode.
Listen, guys, you don’t understand. And that’s what I’m here to help you with. You can do all of the “right” things in life and just still meet the wrong nigga to fuck with and all those “right” decisions don’t mean dick. That’s Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang’s “PBTMH” whole life. Get good grades. Go get his Juris Doctris like his monkey parents wanted. Make snappy presentations to NBA teams with Microsoft’s business suite tools. Put all of those experiences on a piece of paper and make a “resume”. But guys, I’m the Shadow Manager. I have talent. I have dedication. I have a will to win. I’m the fucking general. Guys, you know all of this. You don’t admit it but you know it. You recognize.
Guys, I’ve been assembling real-life winning basketball teams since I was, like, 10. No foolin, when I was in fifth grade, I made a team of dudes who never lost at lunchtime. There was a basketball tournament in eighth grade, and guess who made the best team in that shindig? That’s the thing, guys. This is who I am. It’s not some little performance like what PBTMH is doing. My parents aren’t monkeys. I’m not a monkey. Just screaming and gesticulating my hands in front of a crowd like PBTMH to get some kind of emotional response out of them. Guys, making WINNING basketball teams is who I am. I can not run from it.
I can’t run from being a complete jackass, and I can’t run from being LIGHT YEARS AHEAD of all your bitch asses in fantasy basketball. Really, Markus got so thoroughly railroaded this past week that it had me wishing for one of the serious teams to be John and me’s matchup this week. We’re playing GK, who might be the worst team in the league so my dreams of having a shitpumping that I can be really proud of will have to wait at least another week. GK is so disgustingly hopeless and awful that he’s actually not worth the effort to talk mess with before the matchup. GK is our commissioner. He’s our bookkeeper. He’s our little House Hoe who eats little cakes at night while no one is awake and thinks that because he eats at 2 AM, the calories don’t count. GK is the symbol for the worthlessness of a “college education”. Anyone with any real savvy spends 2 minutes talking with GK and understands that American universities just pass anyone along as long as the parents pay that check. It’s disgusting, and it’s one of many things that are wrong with this country.
GK is just another frog in the bucket of boiling water. Numbly watching network television while chowing down on Ben & Jerry's while his life ticks away. Hey, GK, how about you do something important with your life like neck an insurance company or healthcare CEO who is nuking the “middle class” so that they can buy a third home in La Jolla? GK, you’re not one of those angry young men who is planning on opening up an AR-15 on regular people, are you? Please, GK. Your fantasy basketball team is straight dogshit, just like it is every year, but please focus your pent-up frustration on the oligarchs who are hoarding all the wealth. Please. We’ll find another commissioner while you’re in the penitentiary.
General Week 3 Notes:
- Shadow Manager and John told Markus that their matchup wouldn’t be competitive and the matchup was decided by Thursday. WITHOUT Austin Reaves, who has been SM/John’s best player. Y’all niggas got a problem with SM/John.
- David/Lock City BARELY beat Nathan?!?! WTF?!? Wasn’t Nathan for real this year?!? Upon closer inspection of the matchup, this was a deceiving 5-4. All of the categories that David won were wipeouts. Nathan won in both percentages and turnovers. The three categories that someone can win by just playing 2 players for the entire week. So Nathan can quiet quit every week and lose 3-6. The fourth category was steals and Nathan barely won that. We still hold the opinion that David/Lock City is a serious team. He’ll probably make the playoffs, unlike Mikey Pledge and GK.
- Patrick/PMoose beat Token 7-2 but most of the categories were close. Token isn’t just a total doormat this year. Does PMoose have one of the Big 4 (Wembanyama, Lord Voldemort, Selfish Shai, Lord Luka)? No! Patrick is actually riding Josh “High School Dance Chaperone” Giddey, Alex Sarr, Keyontae George, and Cason Wallace to seriousness. Quality team ownership from Patrick!
- Cream Team/Tajinder opened up a can of whoop-ass on Mikey Pledge. You hate to see someone waste a cum shot like that on what must be the worst team in the league but it’s what happened. Hopefully, Tajinder can refactor and have another competitive week.
- PBTMH tied Brett!!! Wow!!! PBTMH fucking blows donkey dick but tied one of the pillar franchises of our league. It was steals. Over the weekend it was looking like PBTMH was actually going to pull of the upset but it didn’t come to be. Part of that was a terrible free agency addition of Anthony Black on Sunday. Guys, do you know how you get scared when you start seeing me make free agent adds because you know that those additions are going to do major work and help me beat your ass? Of course you do, what am I saying?!? Well, PBTMH does not pull off the same Free Agency Magic Dick (FAMD) that your’s truly pulls off (out?!).
- John’s Roommate beat GK. Somehow, John’s Roommate won 3PM which is not something that he is built to do. Also won free throws. Jalen Green returned to play a game. Jalen is on GK’s team. Did you guys watch that recap of Jalen’s Return Game that Chaz NBA made? Did you send that video to John like I did?!? Jesus Fucking Christ, Jalen Green looked incredible in that game! The ball was swishing so clean! Too bad that he’ll be out for at least another six weeks. At least GK made the smart free agent addition of Collin Gillespie… oh wait, I did that!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Jarace Walker.
We left this award vacant last week because I’m going HAM on your bitch-asses right now. The story hasn’t changed on the HAM front but we can’t leave this award vacant 2 weeks in a row. So Jarace, it is. I’ve been stubbornly believing in his black ass but I’ve had enough. He’s gone. Maybe Token can pick him up like he picked up Davion “Kindergartener” Mitchell after I dropped his black ass.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Mikey Pledge.
Yes, we don’t like to give awards to the same person on consecutive weeks, but Mikey Pledge is straight up quitting on the season after 3 weeks. Look at his team totals! They’re so far behind every other team! This isn’t even like “Penis Head” Adam Silver’s NBA, where you can be horseshit and then pick early in the next draft! Mikey Pledge is just willingly having a truly hideous team and not caring because he beat John and me by 1 assist in the championship last year! It’s really gross stuff. Typical “fraternity fucktard” behavior.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Shadow Manager/John.
Gosh, guys, we just keep having award winners who are repeats this week! Sorry but John and I would’ve beaten everyone last week and we would’ve done it without our best player (Austin Reaves). How crazy is it that all of you fraternity fucktards have a group chat where you talk inanely about the Lakers but the team that owns Austin Reaves’ white ass is me?! The douchebag who doesn’t participate in said Lakers’ circle-jerk! You guys are disgusting.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- PBTMH.
Has to be, even though he pissed away what should’ve been a win. PBTMH can’t get a tie with one of the serious franchises in our league and not get this award.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Mikey Pledge.
It really makes me angry how he’s just holding on to 5 OUT players at a time. He’s not making the playoffs if he starts 0-6. If he does, there need to be some changes next year. Hear that, GK?! That’s how you fix this shit. If Mikey Pledge makes the playoffs, the playoff bracket needs to be trimmed to have fewer teams. Figure it out. Bitch.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, two years ago, you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
You’re doing much better this year, Token! It’s great! Now we only have one franchise that is quitting on the season after 3 weeks (Mikey Pledge). Let’s look at your roster! Jake LaRavia was a nice addition! I regret not dropping Jarace Walker instead of him. Good job. Gosh, you’re doing a good job keeping a competitive team. The lowest-rated player on your team is Steph “Basketball Jesus” Curry and he’s literally undroppable. So you’re keeping a tight ship with the lesser players on your roster and not doing some Fuck Shit like rostering Buddy Hield (shout out Nathan). Good job, Token. Keep doing what you’re doing.