It’s an OK book. I’m struggling to finish it. Maybe the Goodreads ratings are actually something that we can hold sacred in this world. Maybe I need to institute a policy of “3.7 and above”.
Guys, you all know that I’m a serial killer on the inside. If you don’t, then you have the memory of a chipmunk because I pretty much tell you each and every week after I spank your imp asses that I don’t have human emotions and that I’m an empty human being. But hey, for the retards like George. GK, I think I’ll start calling you George now. It humanizes you. George, after breaking your spirit, I think I deserve to do what I want with your character in this story I’m telling about you and the rest of your sloppy, incoherent, stupid, lazy fraternity “brothers” who John has instructed me to lay waste to in fantasy basketball. You’re my prison bitch, George. Just like Markus. JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU. AHHHHHH!!!!!
Fuck, I’m amazing.
“Deleting the league if I don’t at least tie this week”
That’s you, George. That’s what I have turned you into. You’re in over your head going against me. George, I’m a liar, and a cheater, but you know what else, George? I’m extremely capable. Resourceful. I’ll kill you, and if you’re going to beat me, you have to kill me. And you, George. You don’t have the balls to kill me. You’re not enough of a man to end another person’s life.
George, I am the reckoning, brother. And you are what I leave in the wreckage.
Guys, remember how Gabrielle Union told an interviewer about how when she was raped, she “left her body”? How she felt like she was watching what was happening to her instead of living it out? You guys think about that all the time, right? Of course you do. What’s more interesting than Gabrielle Union talking about the time that she was raped?! Nothing! Well, when I’m against you in fantasy basketball, I dissociate from my body in a similar way to Gabby. I don’t feel pain. I can’t comprehend weakness. I just take my hammer here and bash in your skull until I know you’re dead and that John will be happy. That’s me. Know that.
There’s nothing in this world that you love more than this little fantasy basketball league that I AM DOMINATING! Goddamn, you little imp. George, you slithered out of your mother’s filth. You went up to the limit in matchup acquisitions against me and I still clapped your imp ass. You’re just hopeless. You’re my little sideshow freak whom I dress up with a personality to better suit the story I’m making about how I’m God. George, do you know who you are? You’re a string marionette who I use to portray a man who trys his best but can’t get out of his own way. If I was Matt Harmon, you would be Jerry. George, you use pity to lure in your victims! That’s how you survive! You survive because people think, ‘Oh, this poor piece of SHIT, he never gets a break. I can’t stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I guess I’ll hire him, or marry him.
One night, George, I’m going to come to you, inside your house, wherever you’re sleeping, and I’m gonna cut your throat.
Guys, I really have to be a serial killer to have done what I just did to George. For the entirety of the workweek, George was KILLING John and me. Things were real blikky for John and I. In the playoffs last year, John was scared that George would beat us in the first round, while I was completely dismissive of that possibility. Somehow, the tables turned for this past week. John seemed pretty unbothered with our prospects of winning and I was sure that we would lose. All of our free agent pickups were just awful. George might have trumped our incompetence with his addition of Moses Moody before he had the worst game of the day and subsequent dropping of Moses before he made 8 threes. But no, I was worse. I was adding dudes who were declared OUT the next day. I was adding Moussa Cisse and then immediately dropping him for Derek Lively (Our Mixed King) to get blocks when George wasn’t even really close to threatening to win that category. Cursed pickups and all, but I still came through on the quest. That’s just who I am. That’s just the character of our team. That’s just the “winning culture” that John and I have cultivated in our fantasy basketball organization.
George is 0-4 on the season. John and I are 4-0. George is down in the standings next to the filth of Nathan. And George is our commissioner! And he’s hanging out with Nathan in the winless brotherhood! Damn. And George came SO CLOSE to giving John and me our first loss of the season. But NOPE! Not this week, bitches! Fuck you God, I AM THE THIRD REVELATION!
General Week 4 Notes:
- Token took out his black DICK and put it up Nathan’s ass. Listen, guys, Token is serious about fucking. When you give it to Nathan like Token did, you’re a serious team. This could’ve been 9-0. Did Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” tell Nathan to not play some of his guys so that Token wouldn’t go 9-0? Like how PBTMH told Token last year to not play some of his guys so that I wouldn’t beat Token 9-0?! Probably not! Because PBTMH is a racist jungle monkey who he doesn’t treat everyone equally. Racist!
- Oh my God! Mikey Pledge beat David! I thot David was a serious team! Mikey Pledge is missing, like, 5 guys?!? What the fuck?! What happened?!
I guess Jaren Jackson really shit the bed for David. Zach “Hasidic Homeboy” LaVine also scored 45 points in 4 games. We know that Hasidic Homeboy doesn’t get stocks, assists, or rebounds. So when Hasidic Homeboy doesn’t score, that’s a problem. Maybe David isn’t going to be a serious team like I thot he would be! Both of these teams weren’t good last week and would’ve gotten wrecked if they had played a serious team.
- Patrick smacked around Brett!!! LOL, Patrick would’ve beaten John and me last week! Thank God, we played George instead of Patrick! Brett has Selfish Shai and Maxey but somehow, his team isn’t that great. As someone who owned Selfish Shai last year, it hurts my heart to see his prodigious talents wasted on Brett’s team. Brett, I thot you were one of the pillars of our fantasy basketball league?! You can’t be a pillar if you fuck up this roster with Selfish Shai and Maxey. Jesus Fucking Christ, Brett. Do better. Pussy.
- Markus beat Cream Team. Cream Team had to lose to make it more likely that he matches up against John and me in the first round of the playoffs. Cream Team has a destiny and he’s moving towards it. Face down, ass up against John and me in the first round of the playoffs. Markus had a nice bounce-back after losing to John and me. Good for you, Markus. You know, you did a great job not drafting Paolo Banchero this year. George did that and now George is suffering for it.
- John’s Roommate just annihilated PBTMH. PBTMH might have the worst team. But he tied Brett so there’s a tie in his record instead of just losses. That’s a big reason why we’re starting to doubt Brett. Because he tied PBTMH and PBTMH is fucking retarded. But he’s a lawyer?!? Make it make sense!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Derek “Our Mixed King” Lively.
Geez, take your pick from all of the free agent adds I did this past week. There was Marcus Smart who got ruled OUT the next day from a cold. There was Moussa Cisse who was immediately dropped for Our Mixed King after we found out the OMK was back. There was the Trendon Twatford nothing-burger. At least we got Harrison Barnes who might solve our PF Crisis. But we’ll give this award to Our Mixed King because he’s playing 15 minutes a game and doing less than Moussa Cisse.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- George.
We have a plethora of options for this distinction, as per usual, but we’re giving it to George who almost did as bad as me on pickups. If George did just a smidge better, he would’ve won and taken down the ALMIGHTY SHADOW MANAGER! But he didn’t because he’s a little sideshow freak in the great tapestry that I am painting. George is my puppet. And Markus is my prison bitch! PBTMH is my little jungle monkey. Nathan is my bean counter. Very important to have a bean counter in this life.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Patrick.
Yeah, I’m giving it to Patrick this week. Sorry, not sorry. Led everyone in points, rebounds, and assists. One away from first in 3 PM. That’s what we call impressive, Patrick!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Mikey Pledge.
Gotta be! Last week, I was kvetching about how Mikey Pledge was throwing away the season on the ridiculous theory that Kyrie would cum back this season. I was saying all sorts of mean things about how Mikey Pledge is a royal shitbag for defending his championship over me by one assist, by quitting the next season after 2 weeks. And then Mikey Pledge wins against David?! Call it the magic of Jaren Jackson and Hasidic Homeboy! My goodness, that’s a BAD loss for David.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Nathan.
Guys, look at Nathan’s team. It’s so wretched, it will make you laugh. It will also make you understand (if you have half a brain), how scammy the American higher education system is. No way any basketball-loving man should have any sort of “academic distinction” if their fantasy basketball team is as dogshit as Nathan’s. Professors probably just passed Nathan through because the American higher education system is the contemporary enslavement, and professors know that their job is to enslave people into work that won’t lead anywhere for the enslaved. I don’t know, Nathan, are you a slave? Is that how you identify? Is your corporate pronoun, Nathan (slave/pawn/imp)? Who hurt you, Nathan? Why do you only make terrible decisions in your life? You know what, I can’t help you.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose/Patrick.
Hey, Patrick, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token! You’re doing amazing! Am I feeling “proud” of you? No, because as we’ve gone over repeatedly, I do not have human emotions, but man, you’re doing great! I would’ve added Brandon Williams if my team wasn’t stacked with PG/SG. If you hadn’t added Brandon at the time in the morning that you did, George would’ve! Did you realize that! I told John during that morning that I didn’t see Brandon Williams staying available for long. But to see that you were the one who picked him up first! Wow! PBTMH is giving John and me these empty words about how his team needs guards and then you go out and beat him to Brandon Williams! That’s God’s work, Token! Keep doing what you’re doing!