John: “You fucking assberger LOSER! How DARE you lose to Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang! All your bullshit about how he’s your jungle monkey and you LOSE to HIM?!?! This isn’t what I sloppily keep you around here for. You keep bringing me dogshit like this and I’m fucking excommunicating you from this league! Do you know how wasy that will be for me?! Everyone fucking hates you. Of course they do. Look at you. You have no friends because you’re an asshole. Your mind is sick. It’s all I can do to keep your toxic bullshit out of my REAL FRIENDS’ group chat. You know, the group chat that I’m in that you would never be a part of in a thousand lifetimes because no matter how many times you could redo your life, you ending up with the amount of friends that I HAVE would never fucking happen. You pathetic little faggot. Jesus Fucking Christ, we’re playing Patrick this week and I’ll I can say to your loser ass is that we better fucking win. Or else.”
Shadow Manager: “... but John, Patrick has the best team! That’s not fair! Our team is just smoke and mirrors. Patrick has actual good players. PBTMH has Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic! It was always a fluke that PBTMH was winless when he had the Dark Lord on his team! PBTMH had Darius Garland come back for the first time this season! Ayo Dosunmu had the week of his life! Mikal “Mr Attendace” Bridges won’t keep being this amazing! We had a Games Played disadvantage! Our main guys besides Little Game James, played like dogshit! Devin Booker and Derrick White won’t do that to us again! It’s not that catastrophic that we lost to PBTMH! Please, I love you! Don’t leave me!”
John: “You’re pathetic. You disgust me. You’re only in this fantasy league because of ME! If it weren’t for ME, your retard ass would be playing in random leagues, being proud of yourself for dominating ten-team leagues against people who don’t even set their lineups. Without me, you’re NOTHING!”
Shadow Manager starts crying softly. Unable to speak. Literally unable to say words. The only other time this has happened to SM was when he visited his younger sibling in the psychiatric ward, where said sibling was being held against their will, because it was so obvious that they were insane. Shadow Manager couldn’t comprehend what was happening and right now, SM can comprehend how he will continue living without John’s dick in his mouth. Things are grim.
John: “Fucking win this week against Patrick or we’re not going to be friends anymore. You’re in my life for one fucking reason. Not because I feel any genuine relationship with you. You give me nothing. Actually, you make my life worse on the whole with your presence. That’s what you do to everyone. You’re someone who brings people down. People know that about you. They sense it. It’s in your being. It’s how you move. People know that no good comes from being with you. You’re a loser and you always will be. But you’ve been giving me amazing results doing pretty much 100% of the fantasy basketball work, and I really value beating the fraternity fucktard friends THAT I PAID FOR, NOT YOU! You hear that, you fucking dweeb? These are MY FRIENDS! They HATE you! Everyone HATES YOU!
SM is sniveling snot and crying rivers (cry me, cry me): “But… but… John… you like me, right?! RIGHT?! JOHN!! PLEASE?!? YOU LIKE ME?!?! JOHN!!!”
John: “God fucking damnit, you gay little faggot. You lying sack of shit. Do your fucking job.”
General Week 5 Notes:
- Yeah, the Shadow Manager finally lost. Things are grim in the Shadow Manager/John practice facility. The air is thick with violence. We don’t handle losses like Mikey Pledge. Every loss is a five-alarm fire, and things get tense. The relationship gets strained. Tested.
Now having said all that, PBTMH had an absolute fluke week where his team led everyone in rebounds, assists, and blocks while shooting 50% on field goals as a team. Yes, PBTMH was winless before taking down the almighty Shadow Manager, but it was always a lie that PBTMH was winless when he had Lord Voldemort on his team. PBTMH’s team isn’t bad. It’s good. Now, of course, this Ayo Dosunmu shit won’t keep going. Mr Attendance won’t keep leading his team in blocks and steals while shooting 60% on 38 attempts. Shout out Mr Attendance for getting Tom Thibodeau fired and getting a BLACK coach in the building. Did you guys see that clip of Mike Brown imploring his team to find D’Angelo Russell on defense?! That’s excellent coaching. That’s “Black Excellence”. All these dumbass basketball franchises need to take a page out of the Spurs’ and Knicks’ playbook and try to buy the Sacramento Queens’ distressed assets. The Queens are a minor league franchise that should feed the real, respectable franchises of the NBA. No one wants to see the Queens tank well-meaning NBA talent like they do.
Fuck you PBTMH.
- MIkey Pledge beat Nathan 8-1 with the 1 being Turnovers. There’s nothing to say about that besides Nathan is a loser and that Nathan has always been a loser who people take pity on.
- Brett eked out a win against Token. Somehow Brett isn’t winning the week in points even though he has Tyrese Maxey and Selfish Shai. That’s crazy. How some of you guys turn these talented players into mid-rate teams really baffles me. Let’s see who Brett is holding on to in order to waste Selfish Shai and Maxey…
Can you cut John Collins already? I mean, earlier in the season I was thirsty for John Collins’ bbc but now he’s doing absolutely nothing but watch Little Game James burn himself out getting 40 point triple-doubles. I guess Trae Young and the Hawks were right about not loving John Collins. How fake news was that Leastern Conference Finals appearance for the Hawks!?! John Collins and Trae YOung were great in that playoff run and now the Hawks are much better without BOTH of them!
Ausar Thompson is another shit sandwich that Brett has holding down his PF position. John was thirsting for Ausar in the draft but we didn’t end up with him because I liked other dudes more. I believe that Other Dude was Jaden McDaniels.
Zion Williamson. Lol.
Porzingis, who managed to give Brett 62 minutes this week. Yeah, Brett is being dumb af with his roster management. There’s a reason that Brett isn’t dominating even with Selfish Shai and Maxey. That reason is that Brett has been lazy in his free agent pickups and too stubbornly loyal to these dogshit Power Forwards on his team.
- Markus clapped the fuck out of David. I’m going to officially recant my previous statement that David was going to have a serious team that makes the playoffs this year. PBTMH is taking David’s assumed playoff spot.
John’s Roommate beat Patrick! OMG! And without Wembanyama! Patrick led the league in points but still lost. Oo boy!
Looking at the matchup, this was simply a master class in fantasy basketball management that John’s Roommate put on against Patrick. Winning all the slept-on categories. Letting Patrick win all the Basic Bitch Categories (lmao another BBC). John’s Roommate won both efficiency categories, turnovers (of course), and stocks. Well done, John’s Roommate! Well done!
- George lost again. This time to Cream Team. It looks like George lost this matchup by one free throw or one steal. Getting both would’ve won George his first game. Getting one would’ve gotten him his first tie. George is cursed this year. And now George is dropping good players just to get his first win on the season. Someone trade with George, please. He’s in a bad mental place. When you see a guy in a bad mental space like George is in right now, you try to sell him something. Whether that Something be a marginal fantasy basketball player for a clearly distressed asset that will rebound once gone from George’s cursed fingertips, or an online course that “teaches” George how to earn $10,000/month so that he can not wake up every morning in a rage and be trapped in thots of suicide. Guys, what I’m saying is, let’s kill George. But not directly. I think right now, we can push him over the edge. We can induce suicide. Does that sound fun guys?! It does, right?! Think of how cool it would be to put on your resume, “killed a fraternity friend that I paid for by trading him Ayo Dosunmu for Ivica Zubac. Friend committed suicide a week later”. Come on guys, you could get a tech job with shit like that. Shit like that brings you respek.
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- PBTMH.
Of course it is. PBTMH brought me my first loss. PBTMH! The dude who was winless! Jesus Fucking Christ!
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- George.
Not simply for just always losing, but for losing by the smallest possible margins. One free throw and one steal could’ve brought George his first victory but George is cursed.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- PBTMH.
Yeah, doubling up on the most prestigious awards for PBTMH this week. He deserves it. Fucking Mr Attendance. Fucking Ayo Dosunmu. Fucking LORD VOLDEMORT! Jesus Fucking Christ. Ugh.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- John’s Roommate.
Wow. Beating Patrick on a week that Patrick’s team did great but just not great enough in stocks. Bravo. That’s Moneyball Stuff right there, John’s Roommate.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Shadow Manager.
Yeah guys, I’m taking this award this week. For all the shit-talking and losing one game to PBTMH. Just a fraudulent asshole, I am. Ugh. I hate this. And now I have to make the week’s recap after getting my shit pumped by PBTMH?! Fuck off. I hate you guys. Choke on a dick.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Hey, Token, I think your team needs Isaiah Stewart. Maybe Jay Huff?? You had a big boy matchup against Brett and you lost. It was competitive, but you lost. If you’re going to use the same washroom as us, Token, you need to start getting big-boy wins against the people like Brett. It’s cute and all that you actually set your lineups and make free agent pickups, but if you don’t want to go back to using the outhouse and merely serving us our dinner instead of sitting down and dining with us, you need to start winning against good teams.