“I am who the Lord has chosen. Because I’m smarter than you. I am older and wiser and I am not a False Prophet.”
Only a False Prophet would follow up a fluke loss to PBTMH (who went right back to getting his shit CRACKED this week) with a loss. Don’t matter who the opponent is. First-place Patrick?! DON’T MEAN DICK! I’m the fucking Shadow Manager. When the chips are down and it’s time to chop off some penises, I CUM THROUGH! It’s what I do. It’s why John has me hanging around a bunch of fraternity fucktards who are, quite frankly, overmatched against me. I’m here TO WIN EVERY WEEK. Doesn’t matter our draft position. Doesn’t matter who is injured. Doesn’t matter if Devin Booker is getting severely outplayed by fucking Collin Gillespie. I’m here to murk niggas. That is my purpose. And when a little monkey like PBTMH gets in the way of fulfilling my purpose, shit gets tense in our organization’s team facility. I had to go down into the bunker and LOCK IN. No more indulging in John’s sloppy, drunken messages. Let me beat the best team in the league with Ajay Mitchell and Duncan Robinson. Hold my dick.
Guys, really, you should see some of the sloppy mess that John texts me. It’s so lazy. So stupid. John is the king of asking about adding players who are already rostered. Shout out Zac Edey (and Zac Edey’s giant of a mother). Yeah, John, I think Zac Edey would be good on our team, let’s add him! Oh wait, I did this thing where I searched the player and it looks like he’s rostered. Did you even fucking check that Zac Edey was available before asking me about him? Of course you didn’t. Idiot. God, you’re so fucking stupid!
I would say that John is my little island piggy, but we all know that pigs are the superGeniuses of the Animal Farm. No, John is my Clydesdale horse. A braindead animal, but also a necessary instrument of destruction.
No more playing along with his pathetic fantasy football team. We do not lose in fantasy basketball. We’re like George, but the opposite. John (lol) and I are compelled to go out each and every week and crack some fucking skulls open. We (lol) have to. It is our obligation.
Do you guys know why Puerto Ricans like me?
It’s because they can sense my ruthless, Northern European efficiency, organization, and mental clarity. 3 characteristics that perfectly balance out their “creative impulses”. It’s how John is so sexually attracted to me. He knows who he is, and in the most primal, subconscious essence of his disheveled brain, he knows who I am. I am someone who is systematically rounding up each and every member of Fijian Fantasy and hog-tying them into the gas chamber so that John can call himself the league champion. Every year. Every week. Every day.
General Week 5 Notes:
- Yeah, game of the week, Patrick vs John and Shadow Manager. Riveting matchup. Patrick was leading throughout the week but the categories were always close. The score was misleading. Then when the weekend came around, John and I had a Games Played advantage (finally), and Patrick’s team didn’t do enough on Sunday despite Payton “P Rabbit” Pritchard’s best efforts. No, Donovan Mitchell and Karl “Kovid” Towns did not save Patrick when he needed them. But Austin Reaves definitely saved John and me when we needed Austin! See, that’s part of why I’m so much smarter than all of you fraternity fuckards. I don’t dismiss Austin Reaves as a superstar of this league just because he’s white. I see Basketball Talent and I tell John to shut the fuck up and draft Austin Reaves. John wants to follow the bad influence that all of you give him. He wants to forget about what Austin Reaves has accomplished. He wants to be a racist fuck just like my jungle monkey PBTMH and pass on Austin Reaves. Well, not on my watch! We’re drafting Whites because we want to, no, we NEED TO, WIN EVERY WEEK. AUSTIN REAVES, BITCHES!
Patrick didn’t make any matchup acquisitions and that’s probably why he lost. I guess he’s too afraid to lose Jusuf Nurkic and Kyshawn George?! Patrick’s team is super healthy (like every good team is), Donovan Mitchell had some crazy games, P Rabbit had one crazy game, Kovid Towns had a few excellent nights but it wasn’t enough to overcome Ajay Mitchell and Duncan Robinson. And Jalen Duren is missing games too. How am I killing everyone when Devin Booker is playing HALF as good as his teammate Collin Gillespie and Jalen Duren is missing games?! Because I had the balls to add Ajay Mitchell on Sunday. When all of you PUSSIES let him go unadded. For shame! All of you don’t respect Ajay Mitchell. What, is he too lightskin for you racist fucks?! For shame! Obviously, all of you don’t respect Duncan Robinson because he’s a White. Well, you know what?! I’ll take all of the people that you guys overlook and I’ll crack your asses with them! Suck it.
- PBTMH beat me last week and followed that up by getting anally probed by Cream Team. How did Cream Team have so many points? That would be because of Cade Cunningham, Deni “Jew” Avdija, and Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray. With a sprinkling of Miles Bridges. Cream Team gets turned on by watching the Ring alarm footage of Miles Bridges throwing pool balls through the car windshield when his wife and children are in the car. That’s how far Cream Team will go just so he doesn’t have to roster a White. You guys are disgusting.
But yeah, the Jew is making Cream Team scary. And Donte DiVincenzo making a bunch of threes.
- Lmao, George won a game. He’s dropping players that other teams are picking up pretty much immediately but by gosh, by golly, George won a game. RIP David. I’m not going to examine the matchup scores for this. Both these teams blow Donkey Dick.
- John’s Roommate told Token that he’s not allowed to eat at the same table that John’s Roommate is. Jesus Christ that was a vicious beatdown. Wembanyama went down and John’s Roommate just started administering ass beatings. Even with Tari Safari OUT. What’s happening here?
Josh Hart is what’s happening. Josh had 47 rebounds for the week. That’s insane. Led the team in steals and assists also. If you listened to anyone preaching about how Josh Hart wouldn’t repeat last year’s performance, politely tell them to eat shit because Josh Hart is frightening. Yes, he shacked up with a dark skin black chick. Josh Hart is not leaving your ass for a white girl!
Also, Scottie Barnes and my cleppy brother Ryan Rollins are putting in work. After last week’s loss to PBTMH, Ryan Rollins and I had a FaceTime while I ransacked Whole Foods. We’re cool like that. He does the same with me when he goes to Target. We have fun.
- Markus beat the piss out of Mikey Pledge. Mikey Pledge went righ back to being pathetic after somehow winning 2 matchups. These teams suck. They’re not worth analysis. Markus got shitpumped by John and me but his record is 4-2 so I guess he went on the road to recovery after our seancé.
- Brett clapped Nathan. Hey, can we replace Nathan in the league? I know that it’s against custom for someone who’s not in the fraternity (ME) that this whole fantasy league is based upon to ask for one of the fraternity members to be kicked out but that’s exactly what I’m doing. Yes, I know that it’s a heart-warming story that Nathan grew up from familial poverty to work as a “data analyst” counting beans for Taco Bell, and that stuff plays. Yes, I know that I am an empty human being and I can’t process stuff like that, but geez guys, have you seen Nathan’s roster? Yes, I’m the big mean Shadow Manager, but I’m right about this. Nathan sucks Donkey Dick every year. He handed George a title even though we all know that George isn’t built like that. He agreed to give John and me Scottie Barnes for Michael “Boy Toy” Porter last year before begging George to cancel the trade. Nathan sucks and I want him replaced. Yes, I have someone. No, they did not pay for your fraternity friendship. Idk, but I just feel like we should start a discussion about Nathan because he’s retarded and we aren’t. It’s unfair. Guys, he drafted Buddy Hield over Jaden McDaniels!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Devin Booker.
Tough week to find a recipient for this award but it’s going to Devin Booker because I talked John into drafting him over Tyrese Maxey in the first round even though we all know Devin Booker doesn’t do shit without Chris Paul. Devin’s turnovers are so ridiculous. And he doesn’t even make threes! And his shoes are ugly and terrible. It just goes to show you how far you can get in life as a man if women see you and feel compelled to send you the “IWTSYD” text. And I fell for it! UGH! I fell for Pretty Privilege! Listen, guys, I’m smarter than all of you but I still fall victim to the same psychological pratfalls that we all do. Hopefully, I will be getting a chance to discuss that with all of you very soon but for now, just know that I have weaknesses too. I just learn from them and admit them better than you. That’s the difference. Fuck you, Devin.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Patrick.
Yeah, I know we’re friends and stuff but I’m going to be authentic with handing out these awards. That, and obviously, I’m an empty human being who can not have friends because there’s nothing inside me. But yeah, Patrick is getting this because he didn’t make a single matchup acquisition in a close matchup against me that he could’ve won if he maybe put his dick on the line and made some moves. Too bad.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- John’s Roommate.
Josh Hart. Jesus Christ. Ryan Rollins! My cleppy brother! Scottie Barnes! The 2-seed Raptors! And Wembanyama isn’t playing!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- George.
Tough week for surprises. You guys will probably throw some shade at John and me because you’re jealous of me and want to have sex with me, but it wasn’t a “surprise” that we beat Patrick. It’s a surprise whenever George’s fat ass gets off the couch, stops stuffing his face with Ding-Dongs, and wins a matchup like a man. Congrats, George.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- PBTMH.
For beating me and then immediately getting rectally probed by his next opponent.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Yeah, Token, that was definitely rude what John’s Roommate did to you. You definitely set back race relations about 50 years with that performance you put on. People are going to start thinking that all Blacks are incompetent again just because of how badly you lost. I know that’s not fair, and I try my best to have it not be the case, but you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and show these niggas the truth. That all men are created equal. Token, DO IT!