đ¶In this black art, see the wizardry. When you at the top of your game, you make enemies đ¶
đ¶YOUâLL NEVER FINISH ME đ¶
FOR US, BY US, Token!!!!
Token, you did a great job making me convinced that John and I would lose after that first day when âStorminââ Norman Powell, Davion âKindergartenerâ Mitchell, Kevin Porter, and CJ âUltimate Wiggerâ McCollum put you in what looked like an insurmountable lead.
But my team LIVES in pressure! We donât have to talk about it. WE FUCKING LIVE IT! Every goddamn week we get down in a crazy hole, and EVERY WEEK we make a major cumback. John and I like when itâs quiet. Being in a crazy deficit reminds us of the time when our dads would get overwhelmed and start screaming. Itâs like, âOo, this is different. This is fun. Where are we going today, Dad?â
You donât want to see us down bad. You donât.
Because what we just did to you is what we live for. Giving others hope and just ripping it away with our stubborn refusal to lose. Ask George about our matchup. ASK HIM!
Token, it hurts me to say this because weâre both part of The Community, but you operate a Loser Organization. You made a halfhearted effort to not be a part of the dregs of Fijian Fantasy with your early adoption of Brandon Williams, but where have you been lately? Lately, youâve just been balling up in the corner and wallowing in the inevitable dicking that John and I were going to give you. Well, maybe instead of moping in your own misery, you actually participate in your own salvation? Maybe instead of just trying for the first four weeks of the season, you actively participate in the WHOLE season? You gave all the people who wanted to believe in you some reason for hope when you added my refuse in Kindergartener and beat George to add Brandon Williams early in the morning but I havenât seen your auto-generated team name on the âRecent Activityâ tab in what feels like many weeks. To me, Token, it feels like youâve given up, and thatâs a shame.
Goddamn, I just could not be any more proud of how my team persevered through Tokenâs one-pump chump bullshit and kept the VICTORY TRAIN on schedule. This isnât happenstance. It doesnât just happen.
Devin Booker got injured with an injury that heâs going to come back too soon from but you know what?! Our team is better with Jay Huff in Devin Bookerâs place! Yes, Devin Booker scammed John and I out of our first pick with his unquestioned handsomeness but weâre back with our team of Jay Huff and The Uglies!
General Week 5 Notes:
- Token got out to a crazy lead after 2 days because of the lesser players on his team having outlier (in a good way) games. Well, time told a different story as John and me (and our team of destiny) just persevered and stubbornly walked through the flaming coals that patch the valley of death on our road to the Promised Land. Token gave his feeble best but in the end, he got absolutely cracked. Tokenâs team is very injured. Itâs the sign of a novice fantasy organization to have a team with as much injured players as Token has. Maybe in 3 months, Token will abandon the Brandon Williams Train. It was fun while it lasted, but that ride is over.
- Oh My Fucking God, Nathan won a game!!! Against Markus!!! Markus was 4-2 entering the matchup against Nathan and LOST! Thatâs crazy. Bookmark Markusâ train ticket for out of the âyoffs after the first round. Probably against Johnâs Roommate since Cream Team has already booked his dicking from me in the first round of the âyoffs. How did Nathan win?! Some of his players are actually playing now. LaMelo, Kawhi, OG Anunoby, Anthony âFrida Kahloâ Davis! Not Ja Morant though. Nathan made it his mission in life to roster every Sack Of Shit in the NBA so he has Ja Morant. Wow. What a time to be alive. Nathan won a game against a team 2 games above five-hundred!
- Johnâs Roommate took Brett out behind the woodshed and gave Brett the ass-whooping Brettâs dad never gave him. Jesus Christ. Brett wouldâve lost to Nathan too! Goddamn, Brett is such a shitbag. Recently I texted John, âFuck our team. I miss Selfish Shai SO MUCH! Goddamnit. This isnât what life is supposed to be. Weâre doing this wrong. We need Selfish Shai or Lord Voldemort. PBTMH is winning 9-0.â Yeah, I look at Brett pissing away the golden ticket that Selfish Shai is in fantasy basketball and I get real jealous! Like how I used to look at this one shitbag in Intramural basketball who had been longtime friends with one of the best players and for that reason, that great player was tying himself to the shitbag even though it was pretty obvious that the shitbag was holding him back in basketball. One time I played pickup with the great player. Itâs something Iâll never forget. There was an informal âSkunk Ruleâ to stop a game after 7-0. It never happened but it happened when I played with the great player. Imagine if I was the superGenius person that I am now but back then! I couldâve convinced that great player to abandon his shitbag friend and make an Intramural team with me! We wouldâve ran major train. Ok, Iâm done. Brett is an asshole for wasting Selfish Shai. Same goes for PBTMH with Lord Voldemort.
- Mikey Pledge beat the piss out of George. Not really surprising. George is out here chasing sugar highs and using the maximum amount of matchup acquisitions and still getting railroaded. George is dropping really good players (thanks for Jay Huff!) so that he can get more Games Played. Itâs not working and itâs allowing predators like me to play the long-dick game and add quality players like Jay Huff When He Gets 30 Minutes. George sucks. He always has. That championship that George won is a stain on our league.
- PBTMH beat Lock City 9-0. Neither John, nor I, texted David to bench a player so that he would at least lose 8-1 because he would win turnovers. Remember when PBTMH texted that message to Token last year?! Of course you do! Well, up here on the Ivory Tower that John and I are standing on, we donât concern ourselves with what monkeys like PBTMH are doing. Go ahead and win 9-0! Then maybe you can make the âyoffs!
- In the matchup of the week, Cream Team highkey kicked MAJOR ASS against Patrick. Lowkey, itâs looking like Patrick is going on a hardcore crashout since he got railroaded by John and me. Yes, Patrick wouldâve lost to John and me this week. Letâs look at how Cream Team came so heavy to the shootout! Itâs because Jamal âLimp Dickâ Murray and all those points and threes he had this week. Thatâs a big part. Hey guys, are you excited for when Limp Dick gets to celebrate his first all-star appearance and then get injured before the playoffs start and ruin another run of Lord Voldemort!?! I know I am! Deni âJewâ Avdija is a real problem. Heâs looking like a prototypical âleague-winnerâ. Just doing a lot of everything. Sometimes the Jew tanks Free Throw Percentage but he wasnât doing that last week. We saw the video of Coach Tiago Splitter getting a technical for being upset with the dipshit refs not calling a foul on Zac Edey for cracking Yang Hansen in the face. Tiago looks like a good coach. Just with how he moves. And the Blazers have been winning since Chauncey Billups showed us who the real Chauncey Billups is. Tiago Splitter, a good coach! Who knew!? Who else besides Limp Dick and Jew? Kevin Durant. The Durantula. Rudy âFrench Rejectionâ Gobert also had a strong week. Cream Team looks really good! Too bad heâs destined to get decimated by injuries before the first round of the âyoffs.
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Nathan!
Buckle up, because Nathan is going to win some hardware this week. Definitely this award for responding to my quite soft launch of his league dismissal with beating the previously 4-2 Markus! Goddamn! Way to shut me up Nathan!
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- Brett.
Yeah, for pissing away the gift that is Selfish Shai. Brett is also pissing away Tyrese Maxey. Itâs crazy how a team could be so fucked up despite those 2 being the first picks. Brett is stupid.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Cream Team.
I know Iâm supposed to say Johnâs Roommate again, but goddamn if I donât get weak in the knees for a team that goes on a points bender like Cream Team did. Plus, we prefer to not have repeat winners. As Iâm sure youâre acutely aware!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Nathan.
Another one! Yeah, for upsetting Markus. When Nathan was winless. Congratulations.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
David.
Yeah, losing 0-9 will get you this award. All-time crashout. I asked John if you can hook up with one of my sisters. You guys can have sex and crash out together. Not just a pump-and-dump. Youâd be great together. For the long haul. Maybe move to San Francisco and live in an encampment.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDNâT WIN. Who cares what youâre doing this year? Who cares what youâll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesnât matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
You thought you had me, didnât you?! Well you didnât. Go fuck yourself. Iâm sick and tired of waiting for you to grow a pair of nuts and act like a MAN! Youâre incompetent. Youâre hopeless. Youâre dumb. Youâll be happy because youâll be ignorant of what life has to offer. Fuck you Token. Youâre a stain on the black Community. And that makes me hate you that much more. For not representing US!