“OK, see? See, now you found yo’self a nigga! You was lookin’ fo’ a nigga’?! NIGGA HEAH NOW!”
You guys thought Brett would save you?! Nope! Brett is what people in high school refer to as a “poser”. He’s just pretending. He’s not really down to die for the win. What do you expect when some Average Frustrated Chump (AFC) goes against the Shadow Manager?! Guys, you know me! You’ve been knowing me. Every week I consume an amount of caffeine that would kill a small horse. Not because I want to. Not because I enjoy it. Because I need to. I need to be in an optimized state to wake up EVERY DAY and SHOW UP! Kicking major ass! Making ain’t-shit-niggas like Brett QUIT ON LIFE. See guys, that’s what I’m about. I’m about drowning the opponent with my bare hands and feeling the quit in them.
I’m not like George who is fecklessly chasing sugar highs (games played), I’m refining my mind and my body into a weapon. A weapon that none of you PUSSIES can fuck with. That’s me. You know it and you resent it. As you should. You should be scared of me. Because you know what? I’m the goddamn Shadow Manager. Guys, wanna hear a secret? I work with the Offshore Indians who are going to take every white-collar job in America and you know what?! I take less sick days than they do! I outwork slaves. Every day. BELIEVE THAT!
I don’t just stand up in front of my fantasy basketball JUGGERNAUT and spout bullshit that I don’t live. When I tell my pack of KILLERS to SHOW UP, it’s because I FUCKING LIVE IT.
We know what we are!
Brett doesn’t know who he is. Brett is out here watching this charade that “Penis Head” Adam Silver calls the “regular season”. Acting like you need to watch that dog slop to orchestrate fantasy basketball WINNING. Jesus Fucking Christ. Hey guys, I don’t watch the “regular season”. Haven’t watched one minute since the Covid happened and Penis Head Silver told me that I can go fuck myself and that the NBA was going to quit on life “until further notice”. Guys, I’m the Shadow Manager! You don’t tell the Shadow Manager to go fuck himself! Can’t do it!
Guys, obviously John and I had a live call throughout the draft. It was a big party where all of John’s real friends (so, not me) got together and had fun being dumb monkeys while I guided John to pick actual good players instead of dog slop. I overheard some high-pitched voice saying that drafting Andrew “Maple Jordan” Wiggins was “good value”. That was major little dick energy. You only throw around words like “jeez, good pick, that’s good value” if you read stuff from No Dick Professional Sports Writers (NDPSW) telling you how to fuck and when to fuck. I asked who said that and John replied that it was Brett.
Now, guys, you all know that it doesn’t take anything for me to get really fucking pissed and start detonating nuclear weapons on niggas. That retort from Brett was nothing and it definitely got me going. So with that in the background, it was so satisfying to see Brett quit on the matchup by not putting in players set to play. That’s some Token Mess (™). Actually, I had to tell John that Token didn’t put in Steph Castle before the Oklahoma City (fuck you Thunder) game. John dutifully told Token’s black ass to fucking put in his active players. We needed Cream Team to take a loss.
I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I HATE MOST PEOPLE.
Eat this dick, Cream Team. You lost to fucking Token. You’re pathetic. You’re dumb. You’re hopeless.
Guys, I just spent 10 bands on a SaaS that can’t do DICK because Reddit doesn’t allow commercial use of its data. And you know what?! 10 bands don’t mean SHIT to me. I’m going right back to Uptwerk and getting some fucking Taliban to join MY ARMY. Because I KNOW WHO I AM. I’m a stubborn asshole who never compromises and goes after what he wants UNTIL THE DAY I DIE. And I got bread, guys. I got bread, and I got the fucking Taliban on my side. Know that. Goddamn, I can’t wait until I get to stop being a fucking No Dick Software Developer (NDSD) and be a Big Dick Daddy Business Operator (BDDBO). Taking advantage of third-world labor to earn $50,000 a month, doing nothing but funding my ARMY. CAN’T WAIT!
General Week 8 Notes:
- Brett quit like a little bitch going up against the big, mean Shadow Manager. It’s so crazy how Brett is wasting Shai Gilgeous. He’s wasting Maxey too. To be fair (tbf), Maxey missed 2 games from sickness. When one of Brett’s 2 good players doesn’t play all of their scheduled games, Brett is obviously fucked.
This matchup wasn’t close or compelling. Just a major ass-kicking courtesy of the Shadow Manager.
- John’s Roommate was actually losing earlier in the week to Nathan. Nathan is starting to get healthy so he’s actually looking like a real team instead of a team with six OUT players. Doesn’t matter enough to beat John’s Roommate because John’s Roommate has actual good players. Good players who are healthy.
This week, John’s Roommate plays me, the Shadow Manager! Game of the year!
- Markus continued his crash out and lost to George chasing sugar highs. Guys, George dropped Jay Huff and Jay Huff has been clearly the best player on my team. George doesn’t understand basketball talent. He’s just blindly chasing games played. I’m pretty sure that George dropped Jordan Walsh as well. You know, just the 2 best players on my team for the past couple of weeks. No big deal. George is out here refusing to win and dropping actual good players so that he can get an extra game of Kyle Filipowski and his babysitter. Read that again because it’s true. Some people can’t learn.
But regarding Markus’ crashout, I guess my Crashout Sister (CS) has a boyfriend?!? Crazy how the lowest of the low can imagine a boyfriend to have sex with and it magically appears! Now guys, I don’t know shit about this but I’m reading a book about it and implementing the detailed steps. I haven’t gotten to the part about “boyfriend blockers” but there are things to say that make women forget about boyfriends. Markus, you can say this stuff to my CS and you guys can still live out your dream of living in a tent in the middle of San Francisco getting high off of fentanyl. My CS is no different from any other woman. If you say the right words, at the right time, with the right tone, she’ll have sex with you. Don’t listen to her words. She was made for you, Markus. Do it!
- PBTMH fucking pounded sand in Mikey Pledge’s face. PBTMH is crazy because if the Nuggets play a lot of games, PBTMH can beat anyone. But when the Nuggets have a light week, PBTMH is fucked. It’s what happens when you draft Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic and then Amen Thompson.
Mikey Pledge sucks. He’s still waiting on Kyrie Irving to come back, which is so dumb. Kyrie isn’t coming back this season! Not for the tanking Mavs! Kyrie signed his contract!
- Token beat the piss out of Cream Team. Steph “Basketball Jesus” Curry is back and Token is a respectable team for it. Stephon Castle is turning the fuck up. Lol, Token would’ve killed me this week. Oh well. When we played, I won. Sorry!
- Patrick beat David. David has quit on another season. Maybe David is the one who can leave the league and be substituted by someone I’m pretty sure would treat this fantasy basketball league with the proper respect (but isn’t a fraternity member).
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- Token.
A week after I told Token to grow a pair of nuts and act like a man (among other things, things like stop being an embarrassment to The Community), Token took out his BBC and deep-throated Cream Team. A respectable team! Cream Team doesn’t know what day it is after the dicking that Token just gave him!
I was wrong!
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- George.
It has to be George over Brett because George dropped Jay Huff and Jay Huff has been my best player for 2 weeks. George also dropped Jordan Walsh, who has been my second-best player for 2 weeks. George is a squirrel of a fantasy basketball owner. He’s the Vivek Ranadive of Fijian Fantasy! Well, I see you, George. You’re a retard!
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang (PBTMH)!!!
Yeah, guys. Look at the stats! PBTMH would’ve beaten everyone and it wouldn’t have been particularly close! Wow! I guess beating me means that you’re a serious team! How is PBTMH 3-4-1?!?!
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Token.
Yeah, Token was the only upset. I’m not counting George’s win as an upset because Markus is trying to escape to a San Francisco encampment with my CS. But yeah, we did NOT expect Token to crack Cream Team like he did! Congratulations, Token!!! 2 awards!
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Brett.
Has to be Brett. He wasn’t setting his lineups after it became clear that he wasn’t going to beat me. Brett should take another year of from the league… and this time, not come back.
It will be an eternal mystery how Brett squandered a season after picking “Selfish” Shai Gilgeous and Tyrese Maxey with his first 2 picks.
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, you’ve earned 2 real awards. 2 awards in addition to this Reparations Award that you get every week. Good job. Keep doing what you’re doing. However, I did message you to drop Brandon Williams for Ryan Nembhard. It doesn’t have to be Ryan Nembhard. It could be someone else. But please, Brandon Williams isn’t coming back. We wanted it but it’s not happening.