Guys, on my weekend sarging trip to the only mall in this haystack cowtown that I’m stranded in, I tried out that wet and wild theory about talking in statement form with the lady who was peddling the Chanel fragrances (L’Exclusif), and I can confirm that talking in statement form is a fun time.
Did John’s Roommate take out his penis and absolutely railroad me in our matchup?
Yes.
Did John make a single quarter-hearted assertion that we could win blocks?
You bet.
Did I accept defeat before Friday and stop scouring the free agency pool in order to max out our cumulative games played?
Of course.
Hey, guys, John’s Roommate’s team is a real fucking problem. I’ve been saying that for pretty much the whole season and obviously John’s Roommate is in first place, but now that I’ve felt that rock-hard, pulsating volcano in my normal-sized hands, I’m much more able to communicate with all of you fraternity fucktards about what a fucking problem this team is. Because I can explain my thots and stuff. So let’s do this.
Guys, I don’t know if you are all intimately familiar with this wreckage that Kel’el Ware is leaving in his wake so let me tell you. First of all, you look at Ware’s Position Rank and see “2” and you’re like, “Dude, no way. Coach Erik Spoelstra hates Kel’el. There’s no way that Kel’el is the SECOND-RANKED CENTER. Foh. John’s Roommate isn’t that good. I can take him.”
WRONG.
Kel’el Ware is so fucking disgusting. Guys, Kel’el gets 20-20’s with 4 three-pointers made. When he isn’t doing that, Kel’el is getting 4 blocks to go with those 4 3 PM. Never any turnovers. Literally the only category that Kel’el doesn’t burn down the house in is assists. He does not pass. He just makes every shot that he takes, gets lots of blocks, and refuses to ever get less than 12 rebounds in any game (even if that fraud Erik Spoelstra is playing him 20 minutes).
Can we take a moment to get upset with Erik Spoelstra for having the courage to impregnate one of the Heat dancers that he found on his walk into the coach’s office, but not the courage to trade Bam “Nigerian Chupacabra” Adebayo so that Kel’el Ware can be the best center in the NBA after Nikola “Lord Voldemort” Jokic?! Of course you can’t, but I can. Fuck Erik Spoelstra. Dude is coasting off of LeBron’s dick (and Jimmy Butler’s, let’s be real) into this tenured head coaching position and now Spoelstra doesn’t have the nuts to trade Nigerian Chupacabra even though we can all see that Kel’el is VASTLY outplaying him. Hey Erik, Nigerian Chupacabra has been too pussy to attempt threes for his entire career and Kel’el is routinely MAKING four every game. Erik, I know you like how it feels when Nigerian Chupacabra is inside you, but it’s time for you to break up with him. He won’t break up with you. That’s not how it works. You’re going to have to be the one to do it to him. That is your burden as the fucking head coach. Jesus Goddamnit.
There are videos of Kel’el Ware blocking Wembanyama. There are loads of videos showing Kel’el making threes because he makes at least 3 every game. It’s so disgusting how Kel’el is such an amazing shooter. Listen guys, I know that you guys don’t love and understand basketball like I do so let me explain. There are shooters who fool people into believing in them by having a smooth shot. There are people who have ugly shots but are comfortable shooting and make it. Then there are people who are both comfortable and also have smooth shots that go in all the fucking time. That’s Kel’el Ware. His shot is kinda maybe much better than Wembanyama’s?!?! Is that OK to say?!?! It’s fucking Wembanyama!!! Is Erik Fucking Spoelstra refusing to play a nigga who is better than Wembanyama?!?!
Guys, I’m never watching the “regular” season and I try to avoid the first round of the Leastern Conference playoffs so I’m not sure if I’ll ever discover what Erik’s fucking problem is with Kel’el. Without that, we’re just going to move forward knowing that Erik Spoelstra is just like all the other coaches (with a few exceptions like Thunder Coach, Brad “My Basketball Twin Flame” Stevens, and maybe Ime Udicka) who are just assholes who love to hear themselves shout. There is nothing in this world that is sexier than a man who loves the sound of his own voice but WE CAN LOOK PAST THAT. We see you Erik Spoelstra!
Have we said enough about Kel’el Ware? Probably not, but we’re moving on. Remember when the draft was happening and John’s Roommate “reached” for Kel’el, and we were all like, “but Erik Spoelstra is mad at Kel’el?! Didn’t Kel’el have sex with someone that Erik Spoelstra didn’t want him having sex with?! SEX!!!”
John’s Roommate has Wembanyama, who is obviously a goddamn glitch in the Matrix. But there are loads more problems with John’s Roommate’s WAGON of a team. Josh Hart is doing the same shit he was last year. Getting too many rebounds for a “guard”. Getting assists. Getting steals. Josh Hart is a fucking problem. Who fucking said that he would tail off this year?! Fuck them!
Dyson “Great Barrier Thief” isn’t nearly as good as he was last year and Trae Young is back to lowkey nerf the Hawks, but Great Barrier Thief is still good!
Here’s another fucking problem with John’s Roommate’s team: goddamn Naz Reid. You know, just another big (PF ELGIBLE!!!) who gets blocks and threes. Yes, Naz has a turnover problem. No, it don’t mean dick.
Marvin Fagley is lowkey the best Wizard. We know that Fagley isn’t going to keep this up. But do we really know that?!?!? Goddamnit!
Ryan Rollins is highkey falling off and thank Black Baby Jesus for that. This team with Ryan Rollins scoring 20 a night to go with 3 steals would be the best team in the history of our league.
Oh, and there’s Scottie “B” Barnes just sitting there being the best PF and simply refusing to play a single game without getting at least 4 stocks. Shit is ridiculous. Trey Murphy isn’t injured yet so he’s just sitting there being the third-ranked small forward. And the team is completely healthy now that Wembanyama is back to being the person who ends the universe. This shit is so stupid. Fuck you, John’s Roommate!
General Week 8 Notes:
- John’s Roommate’s team is disgusting. Completely clapped Shadow and John. Shadow’s team is starting to get too injured. It would be so fun if Shadow had to shut the fuck up because his team just got annihilated with injuries. Serves him right for trying to be so fucking special. Who does Shadow Manager think he is?!?
- George beat Nathan. Whatever. Who cares about that? No one.
- Professional Basketball Thinker Matthew Huang “PBTMH” beat “Crashout” Markus. I guess we need to congratulate PBTMH for winning a week because, despite having Lord Voldemort, PBTMH is just getting to .500 after 9 weeks.
- Cream Team beat the piss out of Brett. I’m not sure if Brett bothered to set his lineups this week because I was too busy quitting on life because of Kel’el Ware. Looking at the final box score, Brett very well could have done his nonsense about not setting lineups. This was a bloodbath.
- Patrick beat Mikey Pledge. I guess Patrick had the second-highest point total but it’s hard to understand because Cream Team had 200 more points. Guys, that’s a huge difference! I guess Patrick had the most assists this week. Hey, Patrick, go ahead and win 3 games in a row. Crashout Markus, George, and PBTMH. The order of difficulty increases there, but if you’re going to be a serious team, you beat those 3. Do it.
- Token beat the fuck out of David. Can I be allowed to find a replacement for David?!? Trust me, the person I’m thinking of would make the league way better than David’s faggot ass.
AWARDS!
Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:
- John’s Roommate.
Yeah, it has to be him. He heard my cute little postgame speeches to my team and said, “that’s cute, we’ll see how you feel after you play this goddamn wagon of a team I have.” Ugh. Yeah, John’s Roommate’s team is too good. Too good, and too healthy.
Award for Most Incompetent Owner:
- David.
I don’t believe that David has won this award enough. He’s just sitting there losing every week and going unnoticed because George will do something dumb like drop Jay Huff or Nathan will get me to poke fun at him for being a bean counter at Taco Bell and being his family’s pride and joy because he went to college (even though college is a form of enslavement that his family is too stupid to see). But yeah, we’re giving this to David because he needs to be replaced/relegated.
Award for Most Impressive Team:
- John’s Roommate.
Yes, I know that Cream Team had 200 more points than the second-highest point getter, and I don’t care. John’s Roommate’s team is absolutely filthy. By now, you understand this.
Award for Biggest Surprise:
- Cream Team.
No real genuine surprises this week so I’ll give this to Cream Team for getting so many more points than the second-highest point-getter. Cream Team is the highest in the room. He’ll make it out of here.
Award for Biggest Dipshit:
- Shadow Manager.
For being a complete fraud and getting butt-fucked by John’s Roommate. The matchup was not close at all. And Shadow leaves those STUPID voice memos of him screaming to his fantasy basketball team and trying to do some kind of imitation of Dan Campbell. Fuck Shadow. His team is going to wither into nothing just like the Lions are doing in real life right now. Shadow is so fucking stupid. I can’t wait until he gets fired from his faggoty tech job and starts bitching about being an unemployed software douchebag. Really, Shadow is the worst. That dude is going to keep trying and failing. I can’t wait for John to leave a voice memo on the group chat telling us that Shadow killed himself. Can’t wait!
Award for PMoose:
- PMoose.
Hey, PMoose, 2 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.
Award for Token:
- Token.
Token, I saw that you finally dropped Brandon Williams and added Bobby “Crazy Eyes” Portis. Thank you. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re playing Mikey Pledge this week and Mikey Pledge has decided to take this year off. Then it’s Crashout Markus. So we’re going to have to wait a few weeks before reassessing your place in this league. Right now, we see you working but we’re not quite ready to allow you to have the same rights and privileges as the rest of us. You’re going to have to have a real win before we start calling you a Freeman.