Magic-Pistons is Unwatchable. Plus Game 3 ATS Picks

Day 6

Record: 8-8

Yeesh. 8 turnovers in the first quarter from the Pistons. 12 total missed free throws in the first half. 49 points for the Magic with 4:20 left in the third quarter. This was a bad game. This game does not have a write-up. We are taking an off-day. We are telling you (and telling ourselves) that this Magic-Pistons series is not NBA basketball.

This is something that is common knowledge but it’s really crazy how Paolo and Cade were both drafted number one in the draft. Because Cade is light-years ahead of Paolo. Paolo can’t make free throws, can’t make outside shots, doesn’t dedicate himself to driving to the rim, doesn’t keep a grip on the ball when he has two hands on it, and has a propensity to turn open shots into contested midrange shots after doing nothing for three seconds. No voice fits the face of Paolo Banchero, but Paolo’s actual voice doesn’t come close.

Watching how bad Jalen Duren is, makes you wonder how Shaq scored in the playoffs. Jalen is getting his shots blocked by Wendell Carter in an impotent way. Jalen Duren is telling you who he is. Jalen Duren is someone who you give a starter’s portion of the salary cap. Jalen Duren is not someone you blindly “max out”. That’s a tough situation to navigate and it’s probably going to handicap Cade’s future.

Knicks 👖 (-1.5) over HAWKS 🦅

- Yes, we expertly predicted that the Knicks would screw things up for no reason in game 2. The box score said that Jalen “General Woundwort” Brunson was being a selfish pig and not implementing the optimal strategy of “make sure Kovid Towns shoots the ball”. OK. We like this spot for the Knicks. Picturing the CTESPN series score as “2-1 Hawks” is hard to reckon.

RAPTORS 🦖 (+2.5) over Cavaliers 🤺

- Tough pick. Brandon Ingram is quitting on life. Quickley not playing seems to be screwing the Raptors. This is a spot. You take the team down 0-2 playing at home for game 3. You don’t get carried away in the emotion of 2 straight home victories.

Nuggets ⛏️ (-2.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺

- Here we go!!! We’re watching every second of this game with rapt attention! Goddamn, we can’t wait for this game. Listen, we want to take the Timberwolves. We want to snuggle up in the warm comfort that the Athleticism-Size-Shooting Blanket of this Timberwolves team provides. We want to watch the game and be like, “Oh, Limp Dick is getting punked again? Great, I have the Timberwolves!” We want to pick against Cam Johnson, Christian Brawny, and Jonas Valanciunas.

We’re not going to do that. We are going to ride with Lord Voldemort. How can he go out like this? How can the Dark Lord not give a response to the Wolves humiliating him during and after game 2?! That’s not the Dark Lord! Can he really go out and airball two three-point attempts on his way to 1-7 3FG? We don’t think so. Actually, we think that the Dark Lord is going to score 50. There’s also the issue of Anthony Edwards’ knee. Maybe that shot he took at halftime in Game 2 is not going to be as effective as the series goes on. Can’t wait!