Fijian Fantasy Week 3 Recap: 2026-27 Fantasy Basketball

“The hard job is bringing things together again. The sorting. The fixing. The listing. And discarding the things which are no good, of course. Except … can you ever bring yourself to throw away the things which are no good?”

You can’t but I can.

Guys, you know me and I know you. You know that I’m the DJT (He Who Shall Not Be Named), the Graham Platner, the FDR, the Hitler (LOL, yeah I went there). They’re all different flavors of the same person. The Strongman. I’m the Strongman who people turn to in times of turbulence because I’m willing to (1) blame people for our problems, and (2) specify the game plan for getting things done and bringing all of us into a better place. Little imps can complain about me, but guess what? I’m 3-0! I’m the Prophet Of God! I added Ajay Mitchell! I’m the person who makes this fantasy basketball league the best fantasy league IN THE WORLD.

Token needs to be banished. Sure, John’s Roommate can get in a room with George and advocate for the likes of Token and Nathan to stay because they’re “donating”, but I’m the Strongman. I end the weak. Because I cherish the young.

Hey guys, who is Token going to trade to GK later in the year so that GK has a super team? Probably Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray because Limp Dick will get injured and be expected to return a week before fantasy playoffs. Maybe Lauri “Terminator” Markkanen. Someone who will get injured and be expected to return just before the fantasy playoffs. Token will be barely wheezing his Sickle Cell ass into the playoffs and George will be comfortably in. Then George will offer some meddling combination of two above-average players for Limp Dick and Token will accept it. No one will vote to veto because we only veto trades that the Shadow Manager makes.

We’ve had the opportunity for one of the wretches of the league to make a title-swinging trade. I believe the last time this happened, it was Brett and Token. That might’ve been after Token traded with GK. It’s always Token. Wait, so Token doesn’t make moves, and then makes trades with teams firmly in the playoffs? Does that smell like one of DJT’s kids becoming a prediction market executive a week before DJT signs some executive order allowing prediction markets to be legally mandated to be a part of middle school education? Guys, Token is a Nigerian Scam Artist. You’re too pussy to say it. Anything to keep a Black in the league I guess. After all, you guys seem really big into gender pronouns. Buncha do-nothing libtards. Disgusting.

Hey, PBTMH, did you send Token the annual text asking him to bench guys in his lineup so that Token wouldn’t lose 0-9 to me?! Mwahahah! 8-1! Token’s not the only one who knows what it feels like to fuck with a black dick! PBTMH (and Mikey Pidgy) are out here with their YouTube instructionals on how to scientifically engineer Woman Cum and I’m just like “Black Dick go boom”!

Ugh. It sucks to have a great week and “waste” it on Token’s bitch ass. I couldn’t even send John the Dan Campbell memes, the WINNER$ text, or the red siren emoji. Thanks how boring it is to play against Token. There’s just zero uncertainty about winning. There’s no FRICTION. Delicious FRICTION. Jesus Christ, look at Token’s roster! Ja Morant, Tobias Harris, Draymond Green, Jaylen Wells (Folsom HS shout out), Jalen Green. A bunch of below replacement-level players who are either injured or playing below replacement-level. Token sucks. He’s always sucked and he always will. Good ownership is the biggest competitive advantage in sports and it’s no different in fantasy sports. You can’t outspend Stupid. You can’t outrun Retarded. You can’t have Token be in charge of an AVERAGE team.

So guys, let’s kick out Nathan and Token. I have one replacement. I’m sure that the rest of you can sort through your rolodexes to find another. And let’s not prioritize the fraternity over competency. That’s DJT Thinking. DJT prioritizes tits and ass, and classically handsome men who cheat on their wives like Pete Hegseth. George, let’s not have the same downfall as DJT! Let’s reward MERIT! But yeah, in this DJT comparison, Token is the funneling of money to billionaires through DJT meme coin funding, and Nathan is the Iran War.

General Week 1 Notes:

- Token got rocked 1-8 by me, the Shadow Manager. Some things never change. Token sure could use Mr Attendance on his team. Too bad Token has never made a waiver claim in his life.

Let’s look at why I smashed Token in the irrevocable way that I did. The Wembanyama is absurd. I looked at the 50-20 box score and just laughed. Goddamn it’s so great to have one of the best players in the league on your team! Probably once every five days I text John berating him for being completely dismissive of my suggestion that we seriously consider drafting Selfish Shai over Lord Voldemort if Nathan had any dick and drafted The Wembanyama. Thank God that didn’t come to matter because if we had to deal with the demise of the Nuggets right now instead of having Selfish Shai, John might break up with me. As it stands, I’m the partner who is just too hot to exile despite being obviously toxic. So we have The Wembanyama!

Ayo Dosunmu has been our second-best player! Then Ajay Mitchell (who I offered to John’s Roommate for Desmond Bane). We have this delightful triumvirate of SG’s who are just good. VJ Edgecombe (thanks for not drafting him Mikey Pidgy), NAW, and Dylan Harper. But really, we’re just a solid team that has The Wembanyama. Don’t forget about Prison Bitch! Remember last year when I lost Austin Reaves and didn’t win for 5 weeks?! Well, this year is different. This team can handle losing Prison Bitch for three months. Fuck this team would be so nasty with Prison Bitch!

- PBTMH beat the fuck out of John’s Roommate 6-3. John’s Roommate is down bad right now. You should start offering trades to John’s Roommate. Target the weak. Guys, remember the draft where John’s Roommate was talking mess about how “Vincent” always demands drafting Zion? Well, Zion is top-15 overall right now and John’s Roommate drafted Hazel Haliburton over Tyrese Maxey? So who is the dumb Asian now, John’s Roommate? You. You are the dumb Asian right now. Scottie B is starting to miss games in addition to having games where he goes 0-12 from the field and scores 0 points. Oof.

- David beat GK 5-4!! It was a comeback in blocks!! LMAO GK lost to David! It would be much sweeter if we all didn’t know that this is going to inspire GK to flood Token with lopsided trade proposals that effectively plunder Token’s team of talent so that GK can have a title shot. Ugh. But oh well. Let us rejoice that Maga GK is riding the Queens’ backcourt to losses at the hands of David. Darius Acuff is being compared to Allen Iverson. Let the birds revel in that proclamation.

For the record, I was making that Acuff player comparison before Steven A first made it during the college season.

Patrick EKED out a win over Mikey Pidgy 4-3-2. Patrick vowed to turn his season around and he’s KINDA doing it. This went down as a win, but Patrick hasn’t dropped Maple Jordan yet even though Pelle Larsson took his starting spot.

These teams just aren’t very good. Mikey Pidgy is out wasting matchup acquisitions and rostering Jase Richardson (Yaxel ended his career in that game btw). Patrick is riding the hottest stretch of Duncan Robinson’s career to barely beating Mikey Pidgy. What’s going to happen when Duncan stops making every three and getting steals at a rate that he never has in his long career?

Pat has four good players. Donovan Mitchell, Miles Bridges, Kovid Towns, and Donkey Okongwu. But there’s a lot of fluff on this roster. It needs a trim. Maple Jordan, Brook “Splash Mountain” López, and my nigga Terrence Shannon need to go. They suck.

Cream Team had a battle of impotency against Nathan that Cream Team squeaked out 5-4. Screw these teams. They suck. Actually, Cream Team led the league in rebounds, assists, and points so we can’t fairly say that Cream Team sucks. It’s just that he would’ve lost 3-6 to me. So from my privileged position AT THE TOP OF THE LEAGUE, Cream Team sucks. But to all of you, the proletariat, Cream Team is formidable. But not to me, high on Bald Mountain.

Brett sweated out a 5-4 win over Markus! Game of the week! Brett had a funny gaffe where he dropped Day’Ron Sharpe the day before Day’Ron had a triple-double. Brett summarily became the only one to submit a waiver claim for Day’Ron. Tbf, other people should’ve absolutely submitted a claim for Day’Ron. But Fijian Fantasy has a permanent underclass that never makes waiver claims so Brett survived his Day’Ron Disaster.

Brett would’ve lost 4-5 to me but it’s concerning that Brett would’ve won stocks, rebounds AND assists. Who on Brett’s team got so many blocks!?! Well, all of his guards contributed. CJ McCollum got four, but pretty much every guard got at least 2. For Christ’s sake, Klay “Handsome Squidward” Thompson got 2 blocks. But the biggest culprit is Aday Mara. That’s not a fluke. Too bad he tanks FT%.

As for the steals and rebounds, Great Barrier Thief led the team in both of those. Great Barrier Thief has been on a heater. The Hawks played four games against terrible teams. Pacers, Wizards (twice), and the Nets. Having said that, it’s not a fluke that Great Barrier Thief single-handedly won steals.

As for Markus, he had Jalen Johnson on IR when Jalen had 30-7-6 against the Nets on Saturday. Markus would’ve won if he had any integrity and inserted Jalen Johnson into his lineup from IR on Saturday. Jesus Fucking Christ, Markus isn’t too “busy” to add Quenton Fucking Jackson but he’s too preoccupied to insert his first-round pick into his fucking lineup. What a shitshow.

AWARDS!

Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:

- Graham Platner.

Fuck! These election results were supposed to have you, Graham! Not Troy Jackson! Goddamnit!

I’ll never get over this.

Award for Most Incompetent Owner:

- Mikey Pidgy.

There are a lot of candidates for this award this week. Markus didn’t play Jalen Johnson. Brett dropped a player before they had a triple-double and then spent a waiver claim on him when no one else did. GK dropped a top-30 overall player because he had a minor injury. Nathan existed. There has been a trend of people adding a player from free agency and then immediately dropping that player for another one. Taking two matchup acquisitions to add one game played. Mikey Pidgy definitely did that. He might’ve been the person to start that trend.

But Mikey Pidgy is getting the nod for this week because he rostered Jase Richardson. If you look at Jase Richardson’s stats, you wouldn’t need to analyse anything more. But if you’re like PBTMH and me, if you’re someone who watches every video recap of Yaxel’s games, you’d see how Yaxel ran Jase Richardson out of the NBA with that game he had against Jase. My goodness.

Award for Most Impressive Team:

- Shadow Manager.

Sorry guys but I get this award this week.

Award for Biggest Surprise:

- David.

C’mon, how can David not get this after beating GK because Jalen Smith had 4 blocks on Sunday?!?! David has to get this! There might not be a bigger surprise for the rest of the year!

Award for Biggest Dipshit:

- Markus.

For not putting Jalen Johnson into his lineup from IR when Jalen had a 30-7-6 against the Nets on Saturday.

Award for PMoose:

- PMoose.

Hey, PMoose, 3 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.

Award for Token:

- Token.

Fuck you Token. Eat this dick.