Fijian Fantasy Week 2 Recap: 2026-27 Fantasy Basketball

“It was not the hand of Moses that brought water from the rock.”

John has to win every week. That is both the requirement and the result of these weekly breakdowns. It started when John and I had Selfish Shai captaining Porter Family Anonymous and the winning got to be so ridiculous that I had to start cataloging what it was like to have a WAGON of a fantasy basketball team in a league of empty, drunken, Fraternity Fucktards. Now, it’s just something we do for the love of the game that somehow correlates with rarely losing. It’s as if I am channeling a higher intelligence through this act of service.

Guys, I’m the PROPHET of God. I am not Him. I am merely the vessel. The father of all sin is thievery but the mother of all sin is pride. It is with that mindset that I come to you. A humble servant of the Lord. Merely here to offer you his vision and let you take it or leave it for your own. Thy will be done.

You bear witness to the holy acts I show in service of the Lord and yet you still reject Him. It is the power of Satan that guides you all. All of you except John, who bears witness to God and accepts his place with humility. You should all be so devout.

But you’re not. You see me add Ajay Mitchell and you blame the devil. No. I am not Satan’s Imp. I am the Prophet Of God. Thy will be done. In Julian Champagnie’s name.

Seriously, you guys saw me add Dyson “Great Barrier Thief” Daniels the year I went 17-2 on your asses before losing to Mikey Pidgy in the Finals?! You guys know that I kick your ass every year in the Free Agent Pickups aspect of fantasy basketball. Yet, when I do the same thing I’ve been doing every year (this year being adding Ajay and Champagnie), you denounce the work as the work of the Devil. For shame.

Maybe if all of you weren’t so enslaved by that pornography, short-form video content, and empty desires to own tenements, you would accept His word and do something for the greater good. But no. You stay stuck in your sin. Stuck in your endless losses at the hands of the Shadow Manager because you don’t accept Him as your Lord and Savior. It’s a pity. It really is. You are in my prayers.

Guys, do you ever read books and come across unseemly characters who make you think “Ugh, that’s me. That evil, disgusting, scheming pig of a person is me. I’m going to have to use the fake name of Harold Lauder whenever I mail things that need some mild anonymity”? Probably not. All of you are probably too concerned with asking other guys “who do you know here?” to even consider sending something in the mail. Too many phone notifications to sit down and refine your thoughts. Oh well. Fine by me. Since all of you Fraternity Fucktards are such desultory little vermin, I get to be really GENUINE with the deserter of your little clan. The boy who dared to keep around a friend from college who wasn’t part of FIJI. Here guys, take a load of this. This is what John puts up with during the fantasy basketball season:

Shadow Manager: “Inside, you’re a delusional Trumper. Everything has to be some reinforcement of your ability because you can’t accept that you’re where you are mostly out of luck and circumstance. You’re #winning because there’s something special inside you! You chose to veto me and make us ride with a bench player for the Pelicans when we could’ve drafted a STARTER on the Rockets who a) we were already significantly invested in and b) was a good player on a good team. YOU went against our creed and you want me to just sit down and shut up because you added Jakobe Fucking Walter?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. There’s no transitive property here!!! I’m done FIGHTING you over marginal moves!!! Well great. We’re just going to waste having The Wembanyama. Don’t forget to tell me that I was the reason we drafted Prison Bitch and he’s injured just like you said he would be.”

To go along with leaving angry texts as soon as he wakes up, I also have trade discussions that I don’t really believe in and hide behind “organizational culture” when John asks why I even bring it up. The real reason is that I feel ignored and need attention. Attention that I wouldn’t even know what to do with or want after 60 seconds. It’s like, can I have your attention? Oh, I have it? Well, I don’t want it anymore. Wait, look at me again! Guys, being in the hallowed presence of the Shadow Manager has real downsides!

Guys, Mikey Pidgy had such a hot shooting week! And he tied me in blocks!?! That should NEVER happen! Well, actually it should be theoretically possible since Chet “Prison Bitch” Holmgren is out for 3 months. But Mikey Pidgy did it. He tied me in blocks. Guys, I was SWEATING this matchup! I thought Mikey was forsure going to win. You can imagine my surprise when I checked the matchup after Rui and Podziemski (ugh) went off AGAIN on Sunday to see that, actually, John and I kinda cracked Mikey Pidgy’s weak little Asian ass!

Besides Prison Bitch, we’re healthy! Mikey Pidgy actually had AJ Dybansta get healthy but Mikey Pidgy isn’t diligent about setting his lineups so AJ spent a few active days on IR. It’s wild that Mikey Pidgy was the one who successfully claimed Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges after Nathan inexplicably dropped him. It’s the Fijian Fantasy equivalent of Nico Harrison only offering Lord Luka to Rob Pelinka and those Trumper Lakers when he (kinda rightfully) decided that Lord Luka was not a good person to build a franchise around. If Nathan would’ve sent the offer of Mr Attendance for Derik Queen or Buzelis, that deal would’ve been signed, sealed, delivered. But nope. Nathan wanted De’Andre Hunter?! George, you’re fighting against what you know is the right thing to do. Kick Nathan out of the league after banning trades with him because he’s such a legitimate retard that it creates a competitive imbalance.

General Week 1 Notes:

- Mikey Pidgy led the league in steals but lost 3-5-1 to John and Shadow Manager. Brandon Podziemski is quietly killing it on the Warriors right now. Brandon Miller is going all kinds of nuclear right now. The Heat are having a power struggle between Giannis and Bam “Nigerian Chúbacabra” right now and as long as Nigerian Chúbacabra is winning, Mikey Pidgy has an elite big man who makes free throws and gets steals. But the Heat are compelled to give in to Giannis and his satanic prediction market money. So that train will stop and start.

Mikey Pidgy also had the lowest amount of turnovers in the league. That is a category that John and I need to win and seeing Mikey Pidgy dominate us in turnovers was probably why I was sweating the week and thinking we would lose.

John is constantly bitching about how we’re “not a 3PM team” but that was a critical category that we needed to win. John loves to typecast in fantasy basketball. I love to have the best players possible. When I play basketball in real life, I don’t usually look at the scoreboard (I play organized basketball). Instead, I just completely concentrate on getting a stop, getting a rebound, and getting a shot up. John likes to watch the scoreboard. I don’t. It’s one of our fundamental tensions within our building.

- George took out his Palestinian dick on PBTMH 6-3! Guys, are you looking at GK’s team?! He has two OUT players and he’s leading the league in points! He’s riding fucking Darius Acuff to fantasy excellence!!! LMAO! The Queens!!! It’s a crime that GK hasn’t named his team after Darius Acuff and instead has a team name derived from ESPN Talking Shows about Selfish Shai drawing “unethical foul shots”. Such a jackass move from GK.

It’s really wild because I look at GK’s team thinking that it’s some sort of wagon but it would’ve lost to John and me last week. Our team is the antithesis of Darius Acuff.

- Patrick smacked John’s Roommate 6-3. I wanted to say it wasn’t close but looking at the matchup, it actually could’ve swung JR’s way. John’s Roommate is struggling to survive his sin of drafting Hazel Haliburton over Tyrese Maxey which is just deplorable and so fucking stupid. John’s Roommate shot 41% from Field Goal and 75.8% from Free Throw. You’re not going to win a lot of matchups with that combo.

Hey, John’s Roommate, how about instead of wacking off in your pants before you walk in to work, you submit a fucking waiver claim for Mr Attendance after Nathan drops him?!? That’s not asking a lot from you, John’s Roommate! Fuck I’m disappointed with you. I wanted to compliment you on adding A Wiggins (fuck that other side, we stay winnin), but you displeased me by not submitting a waiver claim on Mr Attendance.

- Cream Team beat David 6-3 in the battle of chodes. Remember when Cream Team was a wagon of destruction last year?!? Not this year! Both of these teams suck.

- Markus beat the fuck out of Nathan. This 6-3 wasn’t nearly as close as the 6-3 between George and PBTMH. Markus would’ve tied John and me. Markus has a disconcertingly good combo of 3PM (and assists), and rebounds. That rebounds/3PM combination is unusual and it makes a fantasy team great. Who is responsible for this?

Basketball Jesus. That’s who. He won’t play as much as he did during the past week but when he does, Markus is a serious fucking problem. Basketball Jesus shot 52% and made 17 threes. Wow.

The rebounds are much more sustainable. Markus drafted Saboner (over Maxey btw), Uncle Pascal, and Jalen Johnson. That’s what a league-leading rebounding team looks like. That also explains the league-leading assists because Jalen Johnson and Saboner RACK those up. This team will get devastated from injuries but before it does, it’s not being beat. John and I would’ve tied Markus.

Obviously Nathan is not worth discussing. He dropped Mr Attendance for DeAndre Hunter.

- Brett really busted his balls to beat Token’s black ass 5-4. It wasn’t really close within the categories. Brett made 4 matchup acquisitions and Token obviously made 0. Imagine if Token actually submitted a waiver claim for Mr Attendance! No way!

Awards!

Award for Person Who Made Shadow Manager Look Like A Complete Buffoon:

- Prison Bitch.

I was wearing down John in the hopes of drafting Prison Bitch with our third-round pick. John acquiesced after complaining about Prison Bitch breaking his hip on that fall and letting LeBron break his foot in a Seattle Pro-Am game. I was unfazed. Sometimes I don’t take John seriously and this was definitely one of those times. Now we’re waiting for Prison Bitch to come back from a serious knee procedure. Goddamnit!

Award for Most Incompetent Owner:

- Nathan.

Nathan didn’t win this last week but even if he had, he would’ve still won it this week for dropping Mr Attendance. Nathan is a black mark on the league. When the Billionaire Class starts their next ad campaign highlighting the dangers of Mexican immigrants, Sergei Brin can take our fantasy basketball league as iron-clad evidence that Mexicans climbing American walls are the problem with the country and not him hoarding all the wealth. We would all be like, “Well, yeah, Nathan is a little cockroach, we better do what Sergei wants us to do so that we don’t have more Nathans in our lives!”

Award for Most Impressive Team:

- Markus.

Yeah, leading the league in rebounds and assists typically nets you this award. Enjoy it, Markus! Saboner, Basketball Jesus, and Jalen Johnson WILL get injured and it will cripple your team. For now, you wear the crown.

Award for Biggest Surprise:

- Yaxel Lendeborg.

No, PBTMH does not get this award. Yaxel does. After these games, I’m sending the tapes to my dad named Leonard and it’s great seeing him witness Yaxel being one with the Basketball Spirit while Darius Acuff is driving Saboner to demand a trade. I really wanted Yaxel Lendeborg but PBTMH drafted him early. Good job, PBTMH! And don’t think that I didn’t notice that you had Precious Achiuwa when he went off this week! That’s so hilarious that you made a presentation about Precious some years ago and this past week, Precious has 35 points and 4 steals for you.

Award for Biggest Dipshit:

- Shadow Manager.

Yeah, I’ll take this one. I’ve been very mean to John because I’m not secure with our team right now. When that happens, I take out my frustrations on John.

Award for PMoose:

- PMoose.

Hey, PMoose, 3 years ago you had Victor Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort on your team and you STILL DIDN’T WIN. Who cares what you’re doing this year? Who cares what you’ll do ever again? Not me! Not anyone with a brain! Your team doesn’t matter because it has you, and you screwed up having Wembanyama and Lord Voldemort. There is no amount of talent that you can not RUIN. Gfy.

Award for Token:

- Token.

Fuck you Token. You needed to add Mr Attendance.