Peterson and Boozer Top Our 2026 NBA Draft, Dybantsa 5th

NBA Prospecting 2026

Preamble from the past that will serve as the preamble for the present:

“This morning's email is different from the usual fare I offer. Some of you are serious fans of the Sacramento Queens, and your favorite thing about the NBA is the draft and the hope it peddles. I myself don’t give two fucks about the draft, but for you hopeless Queens fans, I’ll provide my worthless opinion about these draft kids. Being an indoctrinated Angeleno, I only care about what you can do right now. Not what you can maybe become in four years.

The best NBA players are usually at least 23 years old and most of the draft prospects are 19 or 20. That leaves three years for me to eventually care about these guys. I used to be pretty obsessive about the NBA draft because I used to be a hopeless fan of the Sacramento Queens but then I matured and started only watching the playoffs, which is not a place where young players play.

Anyways, last year I gave some cursory analysis of the prospects that turned out to be pretty prescient. All I did was watch their highlight tape. In my humble opinion, you don’t need to travel across the country and watch all of these kids play live. These NBA team owners print money, so they can afford to throw it away in the name of “scouting” but I think most of that spending is unnecessary. Not a lot of people will say that because a lot of people like getting paid to watch Duke in December but I think the whole NBA scouting industry is dumb.

Before I get to this year's crop of slaves, I’ll share last year's prognostications.”

Cade Cunningham: shot looks good, seems to be great ball-handler. Super light skin so toughness is a question for me. Great name. Seems good.

RESULT: Aside from the blatant racism, this assessment was fine. Cade was a consensus number 1 so we don’t deserve a ton of credit for saying he would be good. The Pistons tried their best to ruin him but now they’re getting their act together. In the 2026 playoff run, Cade was obviously a superstar whose second-best teammate was sometimes Daniss Jenkins. There is an army of professional basketball “analysts” who pardon Cade from his turnovers. I’m not a professional basketball “analyst”.

Jalen Suggs: is he the fastest prospect? It seems so. He seems very strong and athletic if not supremely skilled as a shooter. He plays hard and I think he gives a shit. The opposite of a Ben Simmons. I don’t buy him as a top 4 prospect but I like him.

RESULT: The part where we said that Jalen wasn’t top-4 looked like pure witchcraft after the draft, but then Jalen became much better than Jalen Green. However, Jalen Johnson knocked Jalen Suggs back out of the top-4. 3 Jalen’s and the best one was the biggest one.

Scottie Barnes: seems like a super-sized Andre Iguodala. Plays with joy and passion. Like Ben Simmons, but the opposite. I haven’t seen him shoot it in his highlight and I guess that’s his bugaboo but I’m buying his stock. Id rather have him than Suggs or Jalen Green.

RESULT: Super fucking smart. When we overdose of our own bullshit, it’s going to be partly from being so right about Scottie Barnes. When we reread these assessments, it feels like when a prospect is “a bigger version of Person X”, that small size advantage seems to pay out major dividends over a player’s career.

Alperen Sengün: this dude plays with craft and zest that makes me smile. Monster around the rim. Passing wizard. I have faith he will develop as a shooter. He’s someone the Kings could really use as an interior scorer. Yeah, he’s a little slow and he might die guarding the Cam Payne’s of the world (lol, Cam Payne) but goddamn he is going to be very good on offense. Him and Haliburton would make sweet, sweet music together.

RESULT: Another super fucking smart instance of prospecting genius. Keep in mind that Alperen was drafted in the teens so there were a lot of faggoty NBA “front-office” asswipes who didn’t appreciate what Alperen was doing in Turkey. But me with an internet connection could appreciate Alperen! Now, 2026 was a gross year to watch Alperen Sengün but he was picked late and he puts up major numbers.

Franz Wagner: hell yeah, I’m down with Franz Wagner for the Kings too. Seems like he can play in the playoffs. Shot looks good and he moves well for a big white guy. Plays a team game.

RESULT: Franz is bad at perimeter shooting but he’s great in general. Another victory for Mr. Carson.

Jared Butler: No. Too small. I’d rather have Terrance Davis (current Kings bench scorer).

RESULT: Who’s Jared Butler? Did he go in the first round? Why did we watch college tape of Jared Butler?

Jalen Johnson: yeah sure. Seems like a more athletic, bigger PJ Washington. That’s a solid player to have. Also has a dash of passing zest to his game. I like him.

RESULT: Kind of a miss because we weren’t saying that Jalen Johnson would be an All-Star if he could stay healthy. Not optimistic enough! Actually, not nearly optimistic enough.

Mobley: I picked USC to go to the Elite 8 because I thought Mobley was That Dude. I still have that opinion.

RESULT: We don’t know actually. King Theoden won a DPOY because The Wembanyama was injured and that’s awarded King Theoden a portion of the salary cap that he can not live up to. King Theoden is not good at anything on offense and that’s becoming too much to dismiss. We’ve actually developed a significant distaste for King Theoden because he plays weak and his free throws suck. Having said all that, the Cavs actively work against King Theoden by not letting him be the only non-shooter on the court. But is King Theoden really better than Wormtongue? This is tough and Little Game James isn’t the solution to any of it.

Jalen Green: Bust. Terrible shooting motion and not amazing athlete in the G League. Also, seems a little small.

RESULT: I’m a superGenius. I don’t just say that because it’s a fun word to say. I say that because it’s true AND it’s a fun word to say. I don’t mess with guys who paint their nails. I don’t mess with guys who get the kind of tattoos that Jalen Green has. I don’t mess with guys who impregnate 40-year-old influencers when they could impregnate 20-year-old influencers. I don’t mess with people who care more about fragrance commercials than setting screens. I was so fucking right about Jalen Green. Hold my dick, Rafael Stone! Or was it Tillman Furtita’s kids who insisted that Jalen Green be drafted OVER EVAN MOBLEY?!?

Jonathan Kuminga: i really like this dude! It feels like groupthink to disparage him.

RESULT: We still don’t know! The Warriors finally shipped Our Congolese Prince out of San Francisco and he had a couple of fine games in the playoffs against the Knicks. Our Congolese Prince needs another year with a team that doesn’t actively hate his black ass.

Bouknight: I love him because he has great shooting motion, he’s big and athletic

RESULT: Super stupid by me.

Keon Johnson: No. big jumpers rarely work out imo

RESULT: Right but also easy. Keon doesn’t seem to be in the league.

Corey Kispert: No.

RESULT: He’s still in the league. We think he’s in Atlanta.

Davion Mitchell: Hell no. Super small, arms not long. Bust.

RESULT: Davion was excellent in Miami’s play-in game against the Hornets and if it weren’t for Coby White making an impossible shot, Davion would’ve been better than LaMelo in a win-or-go-home scenario. We were big wrong on Davion. Tbf, we would’ve been right if he never escaped Sacramento and Vivek’s retardation.

Paolo Banchero: I watched the Duke-Gonzaga game that was played in Las Vegas. I watched lots of Duke tournament games. Banchero jumps off the screen as someone that dominates college. I think he is the best player this year. He reminds me of Carmelo Anthony. I think it’s ridiculous that people think Chet and Jabari are better than Paolo.

RESULT: We’re riding the Paolo roller-coaster and right now we just hurled. Paolo just got his first coach fired because he missed too many field goals, free throws, and committed too many turnovers. However, Paolo does sometimes pop off for 45 in important playoff games and Chet has literally never done that. Carmelo Anthony is looking like a stretch but then you have to remember that you’re looking at the past through lenses that make every lowkey respectable woman look fire. This draft might’ve not been good!

Jabari Smith Jr: he seems like a bigger Paul Millsap or a supersized Klay Thompson. I’m suspicious about how he decided to play at Auburn and how he is a ball-stopper on offense. I think he might be one of those Jaylen Brown Blacks that is really good at school but plays basketball like a retard. He definitely has the Jaylen Brown old man hips. However he is very tall and has very long arms. His shot is pure. I don’t hate him but I don’t love him like I love Paolo.

RESULT: The Klay Thompson stuff was SUPER WRONG. Even comparing him to Paul Millsap feels too rich. I was too much of a pussy to go against the groupthink retards who were peddling Jabari’s propaganda. We’ll see if Jabari actually does stuff this year with the Durantula but this looks like a BAD JOB by me! Turns out, Jabari actually got roasted by the Durantula on a private group chat and it ruined the Rockets. LMAO. Durantula wasn’t wrong about Jabari being a retard. Jabari is a perfectly average NBA player with great physical gifts and bad mental gifts.

Chet Holmgren: I fucking love the name Chet. You can hate on the fact that he weighs less than 200 pounds but he has the magical combination: shot-blocking and three-point shooting. He also is a ball mover on offense. I know it’s easy to hate him but Chet does things that very few other people do. Sign me up for the Chet Holmgren experience. If you don’t like Chet, you're a #hater. I like Chet more than Jabari but not nearly as much as Paolo.

RESULT: There were some dummies who doubted Chet. However they were not the majority. Taking credit for a glowing endorsement of Chet Holmgren isn’t deserving of praise. We did the easy stuff. Now, after the 2026 playoffs, Chet has the nickname Prison Bitch because of what The Wembanyama did to him. We’ll see if Prison Bitch recovers.

Jaden Ivey: miss me with any mention of Ja Morant. Ja had obvious passing wizardry at Murray State. Jaden Ivey doesn’t have genius-level passing. He needs to play with teammates that know how to pass. Having said that, Jaden Ivey’s highlights might be the best in the draft. His dunking is ridiculous. He blocks shots which augurs well for his defensive potential. However, he’s maybe 6’-4” so he’s probably not going to protect the rim like Chet will. Jaden has a fine shot. I worry about how stiff he seems and his lackluster passing vision. I like the next two people I’ll mention more than Jaden, but I like Jaden and I wouldn’t be mad if I was a Queens fan and they picked him.

RESULT: He might’ve flamed out of the league for complaining about homosexuals after being traded to the Bulls. This isn’t quite as bad as Meyers Leonard saying kike on a live stream but it’s pretty bad. Most of the NBA Oligarchs are Ashkenazi Jews, not flaming homosexuals. So to be clear, saying racial hate words that directly go against your employer is worse than saying general sexual preference hate words that don’t directly go against your employer. Meyers needs to come out on a video game stream and say that he’s jealous of the smartest subset of Humans. I certainly am. But I’m smarter than Meyers Leonard. I just don’t have the dick that Meyers Leonard has. So to be clear, Meyers Leonard’s dick is more valuable than my merely above-average intelligence.

Tari Eason: what am I missing about Tari Eason?! That dude is a gorilla and you want gorillas on your basketball team. I really like Tari Eason. He’s a legit 6’-8”, has a >7’ wingspan, moves well and can shoot. The Queens need players like Tari Eason.

RESULT: Maybe the smartest scouting I’ve ever done and that’s really saying something because I’ve done some magical scouting. We love and have always loved Tari Safari.

Benedict Mathurin: yeah this guy seems really good. He’s kind of stiff like Jaden Ivey but maybe Benedict can start doing Pilates and fix that. His shot looks better than Jaden’s and his arms are longer. Again, the Queens need players like Benedict who can make plays on defense.

RESULT: We roasted Benny Mathy during The Finals but Benny Mathy had some good games in that series. The next year, Benny Mathy hurt his foot and was never the same. He has a real opportunity to do better with the Clippers and we’re drafting him in fantasy because Kawhi is not staying healthy 2 years in a row. Having said all that, Benny Mathy seems like an average player who doesn’t contribute to “winning”.

Shaedon Sharpe: I watched his EYBL tape and I have no fucking clue. I guess his shot looks OK but that level of competition is lacking. I don’t buy him as top 5 but of course, I could be full of shit on that subject. If I was a Queens fan and they picked him, I’d be disappointed. Being the number one HS prospect doesn’t turn me on.

RESULT: We just got done watching Shaedon play The Wembanyama in a playoff series. Shaedon looks dumb and soft. There are young basketball players who sometimes play with me in pickup that remind me of Shaedon Sharpe. Skinny, black, athletic, able to make layups and attempt threes. They usually don’t get rebounds, don’t move off the ball unless you yell at them to, or just generally get defensive stops in isolation. Of course they also take shots way too quickly and commit really awful turnovers instead of passing me the ball to do something productive. Shaedon sucks.

Keegan Murray: ummm, his athleticism is concerning. He’s pretty tall and I believe he’s a really good shooter but I’m not sure if he’s athletic enough to play in the NBA

RESULT: Dad hates Keegan Murray. Somehow Dylan Cardwell seems to play with more impact on the game than Keegan Murray.

AJ Griffin: As I said earlier, I watched a lot of Duke games and this guy seemed very overrated. He has a lengthy injury history (unlike Chet!) which is extremely concerning. I don’t buy him as top 10.

RESULT: We should’ve been more demonstrative in our dismissal of AJ Griffin. He was a bust.

Jeremy Sochan: I fucking hate this dude and wish the worst for him. Super bust. I don’t ever want to watch him play.

RESULT: Jeremey has actually had some triple-doubles but overall he’s usually not rostered in a 12-team fantasy basketball league so we can confidently say that Jeremy hasn’t proven to be good. He just won a championship with the Knicks but he might not be in the league next year.

Jalen Duren: seems small and unskilled. Bust. Overhyped.

RESULT: Jalen had a fantastic 2026 preseason and then looked truly terrible in the playoffs. It actually looks like Jalen Duren might submarine the Pistons because he might sign a contract that he can’t live up to.

Mark Williams: miss me with the comparisons to Robert Williams III. Robert wouldn’t choke at the free throw line like Mark did in that Duke Final Four game. Having said that, I really like Mark Williams and think he should be one of the first eight players drafted. His shot-blocking seems legit and I believe Coach K is a retard who made Duke players look worse than they are with his diseased mind and old-man tyranny.

RESULT: Mark Williams definitely is no Robert Williams III but neither of them play so none of it really matters. Robert Williams III was actually really good against the Spurs in the playoffs. Mark Williams stays either injured or average.

Johnny Davis: I’m not a believer. Bust.

RESULT: Excellent scouting.

Dyson Daniels: gimme some double D’s! This guy impressed me. I think he should be top 10 and you could talk me into him being better than Jaden Ivey.

RESULT: Excellent scouting although I should’ve had some balls and said that he’s better than Jaden Ivey.

Ochai Agbaji: I guess. His shot is legit and his length and height portend well for his defensive potential. I’d rather have him than Keegan, Davis, Duren, Sochan and Griffin. He can’t dribble. Maybe he can become Danny Green. Maybe.

RESULT: Danny Green is a big stretch. Ochai might stay in the league for a decade but he’s no Danny Green. “I guess” seems like an accurate appraisal.

Cooper Flagg: He’s The Chosen. We sent our dad the highlights of his game against Pittsburgh because we saw the magic of Cooper Flagg. There will be no doubting Cooper Flagg over here. He will LEAD the Mavericks to a championship.

RESULT: Easy scouting. Cooper Flagg is incredible and it’s shameful how some people said that he couldn’t be the best player on a title team.

Dylan Harper: Ambidextrous around the rim. Seems like a serious problem for defenses when he goes on a rack-attack. Seems like a poor man’s Kyrie Irving with the “poor man’s” referring to his worse shooting ability. I’ll buy all the groupthink about him being the consensus number 2 incoming slave. Doesn’t Draymond Green compare NBA players to slaves?

Dylan Harper doesn’t make me as enthusiastic as Ja Morant did. Ja Morant took Murray State to the second round of The Tournament. Dylan Harper couldn’t even get Rutgers to The Tournament. Not all of that blame can go to Ace Bailey. We’ll buy Dylan as the second-best player in the class. We’re too pussy to say Derik Queen will be better.

RESULT: It turns out that Dylan Harper just had the best playoff campaign by a rookie in league history. He’s the evolutionary Kyrie Irving. I guess I was right about him being second-best but I didn’t believe in Dylan Harper nearly enough. I love Dylan Harper.

VJ Edgecombe: We’re not endorsing VJ Edgecombe. We watched the tournament game that they lost and VJ seemed unable to score unless it was some cute little play that gave him an ally-oop. Surviving on offense with just ally-oops is not sustainable. We buy him as a competent defender but in the NBA, “competent defender” is not valuable because everyone makes impossible shots. On offense, VJ didn’t look comfortable dribbling. He did not pass people open like Derik Queen. VJ seemed to be cool with attempting catch-and-shoot threes. He didn’t make any in that game we watched but the shot looked fine and it’s good that he’s at least willing to shoot those catch-and-shoot shots because a lot of “highly touted” prospects think that attempting catch-and-shoot threes is “unglamorous”. Nevertheless, we do not think VJ will be good. Oh, and he looked small/nondescript on the court in that NCAA Tournament game. He didn’t stand out physically.

RESULT: This is probably the worst scouting job I’ve ever done. VJ Edgecombe is excellent.

Ace “Faggot” Bailey: We have not, and refuse to, watch any highlights of Faggot Bailey. We just see the unintelligent look on his stupid face, the terrible record of Rutgers, his shooting percentages, his 1 assist per game average, and vehemently conclude that this guy is a scam. An American Con Job (ACJ). Of course his body looks weak. He’s too stupid to work out in a way that gives him strength. He’s that dumb. We read what anonymous NBA front-office asswipes say about prospects and a lot of them give demerits to Faggot Bailey for how Rutgers couldn’t even make The Tournament. We agree with that. When a team doesn’t win, it’s the big man’s fault more than Dylan Harper’s. But Faggot Bailey doesn’t play big. He just lies about being big. That sham height that he allowed Rutgers to advertise him as, is something that an ACJ would do. As someone who has never overexagerrated their height (we say our height “without shoes”), it draws a special ire in us when someone adds 2.5 inches to their “listed height”. Faggot Bailey sucks. Huge bust.

RESULT: Ace had some moments and there’s a YouTube video with him that apparently has 10 minutes of highlights. We’ll learn a lot about Faggot this year when the Jazz play to win. Faggot was definitely solid for a rookie.

Kon Kneuppel: We endorse Kon Kneuppel as the fourth-best player in the draft. We trust his shot a lot. He’s big enough. He had the sense to play with The Chosen. He has some shake with the ball that makes us happy. He’ll figure out how to make enough plays on defense. How anyone would think that Edgecombe or Bailey are better than Kon is insane. Kon’s pro comparison is a bigger Jamal “Limp Dick” Murray without the injury bullshit and flabbiness. Maybe a poor man’s Devin Booker! It’s tough to find players that dribble to the rack like Kon Knueppel did in college.

RESULT: We didn’t have the balls to say that Kon Knueppel would be Devin Booker and we’ll have to live with that. Kon isn’t nearly as good as Dylan Harper but he’s the third-best rookie.

Cedric Coward: I definitely don’t like him as much as Carter Bryant and Tre Johnson. Seems a little stiff. Doesn’t have passing magic. Let’s consult the Rubric Of Grading! Passing: no, not really. No passing magic. Shooting: yeah sure. Dribbling: maybe. He doesn’t bend down as low as we’d like while he dribbles. Doesn’t have shake like Knueppel.

Let’s put Cedric Coward above Faggot Bailey. Below Tre Johnson, and Carter Bryant (obviously). Let’s make Cedric equal to VJ Edgecombe.

RESULT: He was amazing to start the preseason but faded. He doesn’t get stocks which is concerning but on the whole, Cedric Coward was encouraging.

Khaman Maluach: No. Stone hands. We don’t like the way he runs. Not good. We don’t care that he’s from Sudan. We’d care if he was from Cameroon like my dad and Uncle Pascal.

RESULT: Maluach couldn’t escape the D-League so it’s looking like we were right to dismiss him.

Tre Johnson: Shot looks great. Seems like a better version of Jamal Crawford with more defensive athleticism and less over-dribbling. I really like him. We’ll put him as fifth-best after Kneuppel and Queen. Much better than Edgecombe. Probably a tie with the next guy on the list.

RESULT: We’re about to learn a lot about Tre with Trae Young on the team. Rookie year was fine. In line with the Jamal Crawford career diagnosis.

Carter Bryant: We like Carter Bryant more than Kasparas and it took 15 seconds of our first highlight tape watch to know that. Shot looks good! Physically stands out on a college court. We like that! Here’s an assessment that goes against the groupthink facism (lol we don’t know what that word means) of nba scouting: Carter Bryant will be better than VJ Edgecombe, Faggot Bailey, Kasparas (obvi), and Khaman Maluach. Carter Bryant showed a lot of mental fortitude coming back against Oregon in that Tournament game. We like Carter Bryant! His pro comparison will be Aaron Nesmith with less shooting, more size, more shot-blocking, and maybe more dribbling.

RESULT: Carter Bryant looked extremely promising in the 2026 playoffs as a rookie. He clearly vindicated our scouting analysis of him as well as our immediate congratulations to Esteemed Editor for his Spurs drafting Carter Bryant. It’s crazy how these NBA teams thought players like Egor Dëmin and Jeremiah Fears were better prospects than Carter Bryant.

Kasparas Jakucionas: Clear passing magic. We like that. Shot looks bad. Not in a Cam Payne, Shawn Marion, or Lonzo Ball way. Just a mild disgust. He shoots it kind of low and off to the side. That doesn’t look like it will translate well to the NBA. Plaudits to Kasparas for having a great first round game in The Tournament. We vaguely remember how we felt watching Franz Wagner and we do not believe that Kasparas’ highlights are as good as Franz Wagner’s were. Kasparas is definitely smaller. We don’t see Kasparas making defensive plays like Reed Sheppard. We’re not excited about Kasparas. We think he’ll last 5 years in the league.

RESULT: Didn’t do anything for the Heat in his first year and actually slid in the draft so even the dunderhead NBA professionals agreed with my tepid appraisal of Jakucionas.

Derik Queen: We watched the highlights of Derik Queen against Colorado State and we watched most of their game against Florida. We are endorsing Derik Queen as the third-best player in the draft class. In that game against Florida, Derik was throwing passes that attempted to “pass people open” and when we see that, we give out glowing endorsements. Derik’s highlights against CSU were incredible. His Maryland teammates were disgusting. Yeah, Derik is fat, but he’s large and skilled. We believe in Derik Queen to figure it out and if you don’t agree, you’re a racist. His pro comparison is a different version of Boris Diaw. We love Boris.

RESULT: 3rd-best is too strong but Derik Queen had a lot of great moments as a rookie. He had a lot of sustained production. He also made a lot of highlight tapes from his games that we demanded Dad watch. We still love Derik Queen because he plays smart and makes some brilliant passes.

Tyrese Proctor: Typically, we select one person who is being “slept on” to be the Eman Draft Sleeper Endorsement (EDSE). The EDSE is a player drafted after pick 20 who we think will be good. The first EDSE was Christian Brawny, who we liked during Kansas’ championship run. The second was GG Jackson, who we saw at Las Vegas Summer League and thought was too big and graceful to not be good. The third was Terrence Shannon, who we saw a little bit but mostly just appreciated his scoring average and felt like other people were discounting him because of allegations. That’s 3 winners who we have identified despite consigning our endorsement to the wasteland after pick 20. We’re world-class scouts and if you don’t understand that, that’s a You Problem. Anyways, if Tyrese Proctor gets drafted after pick 20, he’s going to be the EDSE. His shooting is amazing and he seemed to play smart on defense.

RESULT: He didn’t play a lot but he was on the active roster more than Khaman Maluach was. We’re still alive with this EDSE. Tyrese was a late second-rounder too. Extra credit for that.

Fuck the draft. Thinking about it is a waste of time.

And with that out of the way, here are this year's 10 scouting reports!

Felix Okpara: Lmao, yes, we are starting with fucking Felix Okpara, bitches! We watched a good amount of Tennessee games during the tournament and we watched Felix’s entire senior year mixtape. Felix is really good! He MAKES FREE THROWS. His shot looks comfortable. Oh, and he’s a Nigerian warrior so he really protects the rim. His lateral mobility looks fine for a giant and his arms look extremely long. We can’t find any mock drafts saying that Felix is top-20 so Felix Okpara is this year’s Eman Draft Sleeper Endorsement. Maybe NBA front-office jackoffs are giving demerits to Felix because he’s older. Well, he started playing late because he was in Nigeria playing soccer!

AJ Dybantsa: This draft doesn’t seem nearly as good as last year’s but it’s gotten much more hype. Part of that disappointment is with AJ Dybantsa. He really needed Richie Saunders to not tear his ACL. AJ Dybantsa doesn’t seem to make teammates better. Let’s break out the offensive grading rubric! Passing: no, not AJ. On the occasions he does pass, those passes do not “pass people open”. Shooting: 77% from free-throw and 33% from three. Fine numbers. Dribbling: this bothers me. His handle doesn’t feel “tight”. It feels “loose”.

So combine those three assessments and we don’t feel great about AJ’s offensive package. 1.4 stocks per game. He was taking every shot for BYU because one of the core players tore his knee. We watched the Kansas-BYU game and Darryn Peterson ate AJ’s soul. Most of the beginning of AJ’s college mixtape is him physically outclassing bottom-of-the-barrel Division 1 schools. Now here’s the subjective part: we don’t like AJ’s face. He looks like someone who was pre-ordained and let that get to his head. And rightly so. He’s been getting glazed and expecting him to still be a warrior is asking a lot. And then he went to BYU and just spent a year shooting every shot the team had. He probably did that before BYU too. AJ just doesn’t seem like a player who will get a box-out to save a season. AJ seems like the symbol of American Entitlement. He seems like a rookie who will lead the league in turnovers and shoot 42% from the field. Having said all that, AJ still has a rare height/weight/speed combination. We are endorsing AJ Dybantsa as the 5th best rookie.

Cameron Boozer: We are endorsing Cameron Boozer as the second-best prospect. His dribbling is serviceable. He’s comfortable moving while dribbling which is enough for someone his size. His shooting is excellent. 39% from 3 and 79% from the free-throw line. His passing is excellent. Cameron Boozer “dimes people up”. 2 stocks a game and a great rebounder. He uses pump-fakes very well. He played a lot of serious games with Duke where the team wasn’t just letting him shoot every shot like BYU did with AJ. Duke’s offense was centered around Cam. It wasn’t “Cam shoot every shot”. Yes, there are serious concerns about how Duke almost lost to Siena, and how Cam looked terrible against Virginia’s giant African. Still, the production is historic and Cameron does well in the Offensive Grading Rubric.

Darryn Peterson: We are endorsing Darryn Peterson as the best prospect. We watched him look absolutely amazing in the BYU game against AJ (with Richie Saunders). Darryn’s teammates were pigs who got punked against St. Johns in The Tournament. In the BYU game, Darryn had some good passes. His passing is fine. Maybe he doesn’t dime people up like Cam Boozer but Darryn can make a good “skip pass”. His shot-making is ridiculous. 38% from three on 7 attempts. 83% from the free-throw line. Darryn’s shots were not easy. His teammates weren’t setting the table for him. Even with never-before-seen injury issues, he still had a nasty poster against a BYU big man. We’re not watching his high school highlights or more of his college highlights. We watched enough of his games. Yes, his missed games and ridiculous creatine excuse are extremely concerning. Yes, his stupid hairstyle is a character concern. He is still the most promising.

Caleb Wilson: We are endorsing Caleb as the fourth-best prospect. The exhibition against BYU showed him blocking AJ in isolation defense. Caleb is a transition beast. He attacks the rim and gets and1’s against serious competition. He shoots a lot of middys that he probably won’t be shooting in the NBA. 71% from free-throw and an alarming 26% from three. That’s terrible. Definitely not a “dime you up” passer. Dribbling is more “fine” than “magic”. 3 stocks a game, so that’s encouraging. A lot of rebounds. His shooting is extremely concerning but somehow he shot 58% from the field. It’s actually hard to envision playoff defenses not ignoring him. That’s bad. But Caleb is large, strong, agile, and the most athletic player in the draft so we’ll take that. Part of our disappointment with this draft class is why Caleb is ranked third. We just wanted him above Dybantsa because Dybantsa looks like a faggot. Caleb seems like much more of a dog than AJ Dybantsa.

Keaton Wagler: We are endorsing Keaton Wagler as the third-best prospect. We fell in love with Illinois. Keaton’s shooting changes games. Dribbling is good. Passing is great. Keaton passes the offensive grading rubric with flying colors. Not dunking isn’t a real problem. That’s something made up to make idiots not believe in some players. 1.3 stocks per game is better than we were expecting. The “numbers” paint Keaton Wagler as amazing. 1.8 turnovers. That’s… low. Are you telling me that because Illinois was so excellent, we need to belittle Keaton Wagler’s accomplishments? LOL, you must be in the Trump administration and trying to get me to buy your meme coin. 5 rebounds a game. Keaton seems like he will be able to gain muscle, judging by how his white dad looks. We love Keaton Wagler. We lowkey want to make him the highest-rated prospect. We’ll see.

Darius Acuff: We are endorsing Darius Acuff as the seventh-ranked prospect. Electric offensive player and we were telling our friend from adolescence who we magically rediscovered during middle age that Darius Acuff was the next Allen Iverson. And then the black guy on the ESPN said the same thing. And now Darius Acuff is signing brand sponsorships with Reebok and posing with Allen Iverson. 44% from three on 6 attempts a game. That’s excellent. 80% from the free-throw line. Darius Acuff might be the best offensive player in the draft. He’s an inch shorter than Steph Curry. That’s not so bad. We’re tempted to rank Acuff above Dybantsa but the size discrepancy is too much. Acuff shot 50% from two and Dybantsa shot 56%.

Yaxel Lendeborg: We are endorsing Yaxel! 6th-ranked. Fuck off with the accusation of being too old. Some players still succeed despite entering the league late. Yaxel got too addicted to video games to play serious basketball during high school. We call that “addictive personality” and actually, we’re fine with it. Yaxel was nothing short of incredible in the tournament for Michigan. Made a lot of shots before he had a serious ankle injury. Got a lot of blocks. Seemed like a man amongst boys. Sure, you can turn that around with his age complaint. Listen, we know what we felt when we watched Yaxel play and what we felt was “joy and happiness”. Dogged defensively. Lowkey led the team that absolutely dominated the whole season. He put up great numbers at UAB. We’re riding with Yaxel. We really like appreciate Dominicans. 83% from free-throw!

Kingston Flemings: No. He’s way too small. Bust.

Bennet Stirtz: He’s a bad boy! We watched his tournament games. He looked like he lost one of his parents when he lost to Illinois. We like that. Super fast. Electric handle. Great shooter. Great passer. 6’-3”, so same size as Steph Curry. We just think that Bennet Stirtz is good!

Mikel Brown: We’re not fans of his. He had one 45-point game but he was getting benched like Zach LaVine got benched for UCLA. Didn’t play in the tournament and the team looked great without him against USF when everyone said that USF was an upset pick. We’re not liking the vibes that we’re getting off Mikel and we’re going off of that. Not his highlights.

Aday Mara: No. Terrible free-throw shooter. You can’t be a terrible free-throw shooter like that unless you’re Mitchell Robinson. Is Aday Mara like Mitchell Robinson? Probably not.

Morez Johnson: Yes. Better than Mara. 78% from free-throw. Get’s a lot of and1s. Blocked LaBaron Philon in isolation in the tournament. Don’t draft Mikel Brown or Kingston Flemings. Draft this guy. Seemed to make fine passes. Likes rolling to the rim. Smart teams will pass on the small people and draft this guy.

Brayden Burries: Shot looks great, if a little slow. Dribbling is good. Doesn’t pass or dime people up but maybe that was because Arizona only wanted him to shoot. 6’-4” at the combine. Not that big on the screen. Seems like a below-average to average NBAer. Not as fast as zesty Jared McCain or as electric with the ball. Brayden seems to want to be Klay Thompson but be 3 inches shorter. That’s a huge problem. If you want to draft Brayden, do it after Morez Johnson, Yaxel Lendeborg, or Darius Acuff.

Nate Ament: We watched a lot of Tennessee games in the tournament and we like Nate Ament! Pick him over Brayden Burries! Nate is very large. You take chances on young, large players who seem to be adept at handling the ball like Nate Ament! Maybe pick Morez Johnson before Nate Ament, though.