Record: 44-39
“It’s not luck - there’s probably no such thing as luck, and if there is you can’t depend on it. All you can do is play the percentages, play your best game, and when that critical bet comes - in every game there is always a critical bet - you hold your stomach tight and you push hard. That’s the clutch. And that’s where your born loser loses.”
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Yeah, that was a blow-out. That was pathetic. That made us sick watching it. If you ate the kind of food that your body allowed to be thrown up, you would’ve definitely yacked watching that putrid effort the Knicks gave. Jesus goddamn. We didn’t quit watching that game but it was a blowout that qualified to be cut short. Sure, some things happened at the end and the #winning NYC crowd could delude themselves into thinking that they could get a stop and a made three. Yes, that situation happened. Fuck you. That game was a blowout. The Knicks played dumb, shitty basketball and it was hard to watch. Dumb and terrible are a bad combination.
Fuck the Knicks for playing SO BADLY. Fuck the people who live in the world where paying $20,000 to attend a basketball game is actually a life option. Fuck Trump for that stupid look on his face while he salutes during the national anthem. Fuck James Dolan for standing by Trump while he triples his billions through cryptocurrency grift while making it unaffordable to live in America. Fuck General Woundwort for being the epitome of that little black guard who everyone has played with in pickup who employs the “shoot every time, never pass, and never turn it over” offensive strategy. Fuck DJ Khaled looking at his phone for the entirety of the game because it wasn’t the Miami Heat.
Yes, the Spurs played like the team that we know they are. Game 4 will be riveting. The Wembanyama held his stomach tight and played an anonymously dominant game. Stephon Castle made Dad shout increasingly caricaturized versions of his first name. Devin Vassell evidently put the game out of reach for the Knicks in the first quarter by making all his threes. The Spurs just showed up ready to play their best game. Listen, it was a bad pick. Taking the Knicks to win that game was always a bad pick. We got swept up in our emotions. Listen, we’re terrible at picking WINNER$. We don’t write things down. We don’t have a rulebook written down that allows us to separate ourselves from the squirrel in our mind that tells us it’s OK not to try. To really put our heart in the game. That need for self-pity. That desire to feel sorry for yourself.
No, The Wembanyama was raised by Élodie and The Wembanyama has been mentally conditioned to acknowledge these daggers of the mind and to tell them “as aujourd'hui, mon ami”. The Wembanyama recognizes The Clutch and meets the moment with his mind a blank and his acceptance of self complete. This is The Wembanyama.
And that’s General Woundwort.
Here’s the fucking deal. General Woundwort was truly disgusting in Game 3. He’s actually been disgusting for every single quarter of the first 2 games besides the fourth quarter of Game 1. What makes General Woundwort’s deplorable play so repugnant is that the masses still line up to jack him off like he’s not the thing holding back this Knicks team. Becky Hammond was right about General Woundwort’s short ass. People are going to say that she’s “wrong” and people are going to “dunk on her” after the Knicks win this, but Becky was right about General Woundwort. This Knicks team will win because of, in order from most to least, Kovid Towns, OG Anunoby, and Mr Attendance. Throw in a little Grand Theft Alvarado to liven up the party and a lot of Landry Shamet to somehow play like Heat Ray Allen and you have an excellent team that just needs the lead ball handler to play like a regular person. A regular person, not some soulless, empty-eyed spawn of satan. Yeah, that’s what General Woundwort is playing like. An empty-eyed spawn of satan. Makes me wretch.
And now General Woundwort is turning over possession of the basketball. Please spare yourself from noticing how the Knicks play better with GTA in place of General Woundwort. Please spare yourself from noticing how General Woundwort doesn’t stop dribbling and chokes the life out of the offense. Please spare yourself noticing how General Woundwort flops like Chris Paul used to. General Woundwort is a disgusting-looking person and a disgusting basketball player. Becky Hammond isn’t an attractive hetero WNBAer but she knows bad dick when she sees it. General Woundwort is bad dick.
Remember when Greg Popovich wasn’t suffering “strokes” every month and was preparing Becky Hammond to be the first NBA coach without a penis? Did Becky Hammond really quit just before Greg started having too many “strokes” to ignore the fact that he is a degraded husk of bones? Oh well. Elon is a really good coach. He’s no Mike Brown, who had another excellent coach’s challenge, but Elon is right there with Mark Baguette, Ty Lue, Nick Nurse, Chris Finch and Tiaggo Splitter on the top level of NBA coaches.
General Woundwort made me want to drill a hole in my head and have the swirlied brains drain out of my punctured skull. Let’s watch all of General Woundwort’s turnovers again!
Ugh. Choking on his own vomit in a bathroom stall. Just awful. My God. Did we say that Stephon Castle can’t guard General Woundwort? Well, Stephon really locked his ass down in that game! How many times does General Woundwort want to make terrible passes to OG Anunoby that go out-of-bounds at the same spot on the sideline?! That was two of the five recorded turnovers. Four turnovers in the second half after GTA and Jordan Clarkson got the game back to being close. The other two turnovers in the second half were General Woundwort dribbling into three defenders in the paint and making passes that demanded to be picked off. This was a repulsive game from General Woundwort. We can not emphasize that fact enough. Because for every person like me who plainly sees that General Woundwort is choking the life out of the Knicks and hiding behind “stoicism” and one fourth quarter, there are one hundred people who are saying that General Woundwort is “The Captain”. Come to think of it, General Woundwort feels similar to Derek Jeter. Someone who gets pumped up more than they should and who turns into someone who would rather play shortstop instead of allowing the Yankees defense to be better because they have Alex Rodriguez in his prime on the team. General Woundwort doesn’t distract everyone with sex like Derek did, but they both hid behind clutch-time heroics that warped people’s minds.
But yeah, the 5 turnovers don’t tell you how General Woundwort kept dribbling the life out of the Knicks and how it’s getting pretty fucking obvious how the Knicks play better with GTA in his place because GTA actually prioritizes giving Kovid Towns the basketball.
It was supposed to be Lavar Ball as an NBA assistant coach with Lonzo. Goddamnit. Lavar Ball is a way better dad than Rick Brunson. OK, fine. We have to acknowledge the whole “BBB shoes ruined Lonzo’s knees”. That happened. Ugh. Fine. Rick prioritized basketball. Rick’s problem was that he didn’t choose his wife for breeding purposes like Lavar Ball did.
That’s enough General Woundwort. He’s killing his team and we’re moving on.
Kovid Towns regressed to the person we previously understood him to be. Wretched defensive fouls that gave Stephon Castle easy and1’s and making rushed decisions after pump-faking at the three-point line. Obviously he’s not demanding the ball on offense. He doesn’t do that even when he’s being obviously the best player. No, Kovid prayed to his mom and as much as Lisa Salters wants to believe that the ghost of Kovid Towns’ dead mom is guiding Kovid into being the fully actualized version of himself, in Game 3, Kovid was bad. Not horrendous like General Woundwort, but Kovid Towns reminded us all why the Timberwolves made the Bestern Conference Finals with him and then traded him for Julius Randle and King Leonidas. We believe that Mike Brown is going to go back to his team and get back to the grind of constantly asking Josh Hart to give Kovid the ball so that maybe Josh won’t just give the ball to his best friend from college every time.
Even with Kovid making soft fouls, missing close shots, and not taking enough shots in general, Kovid was still a net positive according to plus-minus. It looks like when Mike Brown goes to the bench while keeping one of GW or Kovid on the court, Mike goes with Kovid, Mr Attendance, Deuce McBride, GTA, and Clarkson, while going with GW, OG, Josh Hart, Landry Shamet, and stepson. OG seems to play in the Deuce McBride spot for a little bit. Just looking at the minutes totals and the plus-minus column.
Stepson looks really fat playing defense. He’s not moving well. That’s a hard conversation to have with him on the car rides home to the house from these games, so we’re going to skip that in favor of “peace and tranquility” at the house. But we know that this isn’t the “stepson experience” that we signed up for. We signed up for seeing stepson dominate games by getting every rebound and being an excellent Roll Man. Not this cement-footed defense and unreadiness to catch any pass that isn’t a lob. Stepson has been a hero in playoffs past, but right now, he’s making us want to open the “Ariel Hukporti” Box.
But yeah, Kovid still dusts Catholic Hammer every time that they’re in 1-on-1 situations. Catholic Hammer can’t be on the court but it looks like Carter Bryant can’t be either. Spurs should probably take care to sell high on Catholic Hammer this offseason if they lose in five games. Catholic Hammer wasn’t playing a lot against the Thunder and looked shell-shocked in that series even though “ass and titties” are not commercially sold in Oklahoma City.
Is OG Anunoby playing like Kawhi Leonard?!? Kind of! This morning, Dad was talking about OG Anunoby’s salary like it was a lot. Dad is too fat to look up the byzantine salary cap of the NBA. Listen, OG Anunoby is excellent. NBA players need more money in general, and it’s stupid to talk about how much they make like it’s “too much”. OG Anunoby is an excellent basketball player. It’s insane that Masai Ujiri allowed OG Anunoby, Steady Freddy, and Uncle Pascal to leave the Raptors after Kawhi took them to the Promised Land. Don’t forget that and think that Masai is going to adequately serve Cooper Flagg now.
But yeah, OG was making contested corner threes and turning right around and blocking Dylan Harper. Who is blocking Dylan Harper?! Just OG Anunoby apparently! And immediately after swishing threes. Limp Dick made an All-Star team and Limp Dick won a championship. OG Anunoby is a much better player than Limp Dick and Tom Riddle would be in a much better place if he had OG Anunoby on his percentage of the salary cap instead of Limp Dick at his current allocation. OG is a grown man. OG is athletic. He dunks around The Wembanyama every game now and he’s hitting catch-and-shoot threes from the corner like he’s Kawhi Leonard. What draft pick was OG Anunoby? We suspect that it was really late. These dunderhead GMs didn’t understand that OG is descended from that tribe in Nigeria that only produces the strongest warriors on the planet. Idiots. Dunderhead NBA GMs need to be more “worldly” instead of just focusing on sucking off Josh Kroenke.
Josh Hart was making threes. Evidently that’s going to happen in games that happen in New York. Josh Hart isn’t great. Go somewhere else if you want to hear about how virtuous Josh Hart is. That shove of Catholic Hammer was completely insane. For zero seconds did Catholic Hammer have anything on his face that made you think he pushed Josh Hart to the ground intentionally. That was a deserved technical foul and it was completely unhinged. Josh Hart definitely gets obviously enraged at the dipshit refs for obvious fouls that he commits or foul calls that he doesn’t get after crashing into the paint. He definitely collides with teammates to get rebounds that the other team is conceding. That’s a feature of Josh Hart’s game. Another feature is falling down trying to get rebounds that he has a 10% chance of getting. No one likes taking themselves out of transition defense for the slight chance of getting a rebound more than Josh Hart. The shooting stats for Josh Hart in Game 3 are great, and the rebounding and assist totals are really good. Not a lot of turnovers. Why was Josh Hart bad? Does he just go along with this charade to make General Woundwort think that he is the best player on the team? Does Josh Hart play a part in the offensive stagnation that the Knicks fall in to by not getting General Woundwort to play like a regular fucking person and not a gluttonous pig? We’re not entirely sure because the only thing we cared to write down during the game regarding Josh Hart was “Hart made two threes but everything else is awful”. Sorry, but if you want to know how exactly Josh Hart sucked, you’ll have to watch the Lakers Dynasty video recaps of the game.
Mr Attendance was completely invisible in this game. He’s earned a lot of slack. Let’s see what he does in Game 4.
Overall, there were not a lot of hot bitches in the crowd. There was Mariska Hargitay if 65-year-old sandbags are your thing. Just like how Big Mexican Naturals aren’t our cup of tea, 65-year-old sandbags no es santo de mi devoción. There were some great implants sitting on the baseline. Perpendicular to the right-side team bench from the broadcast angle. We suspect that was Carbi B but we’re not sure. Cardi B is not attractive and her voice and overall way of speaking is really grating, but she did amazing with her implants.
Who stepped up for the Spurs, because somehow it wasn’t Dylan Harper?! De’Aaron Fox did his job. Miss a lot, but not every, shot and keep the Spurs’ team turnovers low. Excellent game from De’Aaron Fox with every aspect of the game that wasn’t outside shooting. When Stephon Castle has two turnovers for an entire game, you run up to De’Aaron Fox and give him profuse thanks for that holy miracle.
De’Aaron really did block two Kovid Towns’ layups. Of course it wasn’t from straight-up defense on Kovid but even those help situations that Kovid doesn’t see coming are contributing to “protecting the rim”. Two blocks from De’Aaron Fox on two high ankle sprains is nothing short of remarkable. Somehow, De’Aaron Fox is guarding Kovid Towns out on the perimeter and it’s turning out well for the Spurs. Every once in a while the dipshit refs will sack up and call De’Aaron for blatant fouls trying to prevent a mountain from getting to the rim, but it seems like Kovid Towns makes half-measure decisions when De’Aaron Fox is guarding him out on the perimeter. What a time to be alive.
How many and1 layups did Stephon Castle get?! Yes, Dad was being very funny imitating how a black person would pronounce “Stephon”. Definitely dropping that “n”. And Stephon was closing the game out from the free-throw line?! And Stephon was made 40% of his threes?! And Stephon wasn’t throwing the game with truly terrible off-target passes! Stephon Castle was great and we did not ask Esteemed Editor who he wanted to trade Stephon Castle for after Game 3. Esteemed Editor has been hiding ever since Game 2 because that’s how he rolls. Hole up and hide while things aren’t going great and then when things inevitable turn around, drunkenly bloviate in self-love.
What are the shoes that Stephon Castle wears? Those are probably the coolest shoes that anyone has worn in these Finals and Stephon seems to repeatedly wear them. Wow, they’re a Jayson Tatum shoe! They look great!
The Wembanyama played the game as his best self. The Wembanyama went out there to win. The Wembanyama ignored the voice of doubt. It was an anonymously excellent performance from The Wembanyama. Elon implored him to turn back into an unstoppable rim-running force, and that’s exactly what The Wembanyama did. De’Aaron, Stephon, and Harper understood the assignment. Pick-and-roll, alley-oop dunk. Very simple. Very easy if stepson is out there moving like his shoes are infused with cement.
Listen, the Spurs had seven turnovers as a team. Is that going to continue? Of course it’s not. On the whole, this game could not have gone any better for the Spurs and they still almost pissed it away. The Knicks offense pretty much just stopped during the fourth quarter. We’re still taking the Knicks for the rest of the games and if the Knicks fuck us, we’re just going to have to hate General Woundwort forever. That’s the deal.
KNICKS 👖 (-2.5) over Spurs 🤠
- Game 3 felt like the game that the Spurs get to avoid the sweep. The adjustments seem straightforward for Mike Brown, the best coach in the league. Get General Woundwort to stop being a complete pig, get Kovid Towns more shot attempts, remind Landry Shamet that everyone loves him and to never consider passing up open shots. The Knicks started Game 3 like they completely forgot how to play connected, excellent basketball. Game 4 feels like a bounce-back spot.
