Record: 44-40
“You lost your head and grabbed the easy way out. I bet you had fun, losing your head. It’s always nice to feel the risks fall off your back. And winning: that can be heavy too when you find an excuse. Then, afterward, all you got to do is learn to feel sorry for yourself - and lots of people learn to get their kicks that way. It’s one of the best indoor sports, feeling sorry.”
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OK, so that happened. We’re not sure what time is or how today will unfold. We just know that the Knicks won that game, didn’t cover, and that we screamed a lot during that fourth quarter in a way that we have not screamed during these playoffs.
We absolutely got fed up with watching the Spurs have a team-wide three-point contest during the first half and got super distracted for the entire third quarter and most of the fourth. We absolutely needed to watch the YouTube uploads from people who provide complete sections of the game before taking them down so that their channels don’t get deleted for copyright infringement. We know the deal and we’re with it.
But that was the only game where we needed to rewatch what happened immediately after the game ended. What did we come away with? Well, this goes on Elon’s permanent record. Elon, De’Aaron Fox, Devin Vassell, and probably Stephon Castle. That was simply the worst collapse in NBA playoff history, and we’ll never forget that. We don’t know how the Spurs can look each other in the face after that game. They really are in uncharted territory as a team. Sure, there will be the company line about how they’re going to take it a game at a time and that they know they’re better than the Knicks, but some people on the Spurs have to have brains. Some semblance of cunning. Anyone with an ounce of savvy is never going to forget how that game was lost, and they’re never going to get over that for the rest of their lives. Maybe if Greg Popovich finally has “the big one”, the Spurs can maybe get distracted by something and unify behind the death of a lost old man to win this series, but that’s not happening. Popovich is too selfish to die for the sake of the future. The Spurs are lost and they’re not getting found.
“Spurs in 7” - Esteemed Editor. Jackass.
Listen, we have some material from parts of this game that weren’t the fourth quarter, but the fourth quarter is where we need to start this. What was that Knicks lineup? Grand Theft Alvarado (who started this season on the fucking Pelicans), General Woundwort, OG Anunoby (we did ask if he was Kawhi Leonard now), Kovid Towns, and Josh Hart (jeez).
Since we’re drunk right now, let’s talk about Josh Hart. We can’t look at Josh Hart. He threw this game. Listen, we have a thorough distaste for all things Josh Hart. Now and forever. We respect that he chose a dark-skin black. We would love a dark-skin black woman to go to Halloween parties dressed as Big Daddy and Bettina from Django Unchained. Oh my God that would be hilarious and a magical evening full of wondrous joy. But we are stopping with admiring Josh Hart for choosing a dark-skin black woman. Because we are stopping with thinking good thoughts about Josh Hart. Because he missed that layup. Because he didn’t box out Stephon Castle just like how Jason Richardson didn’t box out Ron Artest in the 2010 Bestern Conference Finals. Because on offense, Josh Hart can only orchestrate the “pass the ball to General Woundwort” offense. And even that, Josh Hart sometimes screws up. Like in the first quarter when Josh had the bounce pass to no one that Champagnie took the other way for an uncontested dunk. Josh Hart’s other recorded turnover immediately went back to the Knicks so there was only that one turnover that made you frown.
Why do we hate Josh Hart now? Well, he misses free throws. That’s something. He’s 6’-5” and is a bad shooter who defenders don’t respect. And people lap it up because Josh Hart crashes into teammates, stat-padding for rebounds that the opponent is not trying to get. Here’s another thing, Josh Hart refuses to let any call from the dipshit refs happen without issuing at least some sort of disagreement. Dipshit refs completely ignore Josh Hart because he never lets a call go by without demonstrably disagreeing with it. That’s disgusting behavior that is unlikable but also something that not a lot of people would take issue with. So there’s that. We’ve been over how Josh Hart falls down and doesn’t play transition defense because he’s chasing an offensive rebound that was always a bad bet. That’s just great.
But it really goes down to those two plays that have made us vow to hate Josh Hart now and forever. Missing that breakaway layup for no reason. Fucking imagine if the Knicks lost because Josh Hart missed that layup with no one around him just because he was going to fast. Who does that in the NBA?!? Who does that and doesn’t play for the Wizards?! Josh Hart, that’s who. So that missed layup and then the stupid, lazy mental lapse with the game on the line to not prevent Stephon Castle from crashing the glass and getting that uncontested offensive tip. Keep watching that replay and looking at Josh Hart just decide to stare at the rim and completely ignore his box-out responsibility. Please, Mike Brown, please get that play on repeat for at least 5 minutes of a team meeting. Silence. Just everyone on the team watching that loop of Josh Hart throwing away the season. We beg you, Mike. Please.
So you’re telling me that Josh Hart is this “gamer” and great rebounder, but when the season is on the line and a defensive rebound NEEDS TO BE HAD, Josh Hart completely ignores his man crashing the glass? No. I don’t accept that. Josh Hart will never be on my fantasy team. I will not allow anyone around me to say one good thing about Josh Hart without me loudly voicing specific reasons about why I hate him. I’m going to call Josh Hart a con artist who preys on retards who think that crashing the offensive glass in the name of chasing unlikely offensive rebounds is somehow virtuous and “gritty”. And Josh had to foul Stephon too. It wasn’t a foul that was on purpose. Josh was just full-on meltdown at that point. Just gross stuff from Josh Hart and I can’t look at him without really hating him in my bones.
We hate Josh Hart.
Hey, did Mike Brown really play Grand Theft Alvarado over Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges and complete the biggest comeback in NBA playoff history because of that decision?
Yes. Shout out to Puerto Ricans. Yes, Mike Brown really made that lineup decision and GTA really did help his hometown Knicks complete the comeback. That’s so insane. What did GTA do in that fourth quarter? Well, he had a corner three that swirled around the rim and miraculously fell through. That was a crazy way to make a corner three. He also had a nasty fake against his hometown rival Julian Champagnie that led to a critical layup. All of the Knicks’ makes were critical. It was a one-point game that survived Josh Hart! But the biggest make from GTA was the three in front of the scorers’ table that preceded a timeout and GTA screaming to the Knicks’ bench like they were actually serious about that comeback. Hey, fantasy aficionados know who the bench players are who are actually good and would be great if they actually got minutes. GTA has always been one of those guys. Him and Jaylin Williams both. What’s going to happen with GTA’s minutes now that he keyed the biggest comeback in playoff history? Is he going to get 25 minutes in Game 5?
Why is GTA so good? Well, he sets really smart screens. He’s a smart basketball player. One of his ball screens freed up General Woundwort to draw two and pass it back for the aforementioned GTA made three. That cut the Spurs' lead to 4 with three minutes left. Evidently, the Knicks need a second ball-handler out there on the court with General Woundwort and GTA fits the bill perfectly. GTA doesn’t have moments of idleness around General Woundwort that choke up the Knicks’ offense. GTA is always moving around.
Obviously there was that moment where Tim Legler was worried about GTA getting a backcourt violation. LOL. Tim Legler didn’t know that it had to be two feet and the ball that passed the midcourt line! If we were serious professionals, we would find the highlight of GTA keeping the ball behind the line. We’re not. We believe it was Richard Jefferson who applauded the “heads-up” play from GTA to keep the ball behind the line. Listen, GTA is the most Puerto Rican person in the world. That means that regarding the stuff he cares about, GTA is an unmatched genius. You don’t question GTA’s knowledge of the rules like Tim Legler did. Tim Legler doesn’t know about Puerto Ricans. They’re not blacks. Just really close and the Hispanic equivalent. But not the same. GTA isn’t De’Aaron Fox. GTA wouldn’t lose a game by having a strategy to lose.
Tim Legler had that one fuck-up where he questioned GTA getting a back-court violation. Tim also said the word “real-time”. As soon as he said it, we said to Dad the word “fake-time”. Dad heartily chuckled because Dad recognizes the ridiculousness of how everyone is obsessed with saying “real-time” now. The word is supposed to mean “happening right now in front of us”. People use it to make other people think they can code in computer languages. It doesn’t get any more repulsive. Tim, stop saying that. You sound like an LLM when you say that and you’re better than that. Never say the word “real-time” and if you catch someone saying it, politely ask them to stop.
“Hey, you said ‘real-time’. Can you please stop?” That’s what you say.
So yeah, GTA keeps the Knicks’ offense breathing with off-ball movement, screens, and shooting credibility. He’s a really good player and James Dolan better find a way to take a break from endorsing Trump choking working people to keep GTA on the Knicks.
Is OG Anunoby Kawhi Leonard now? No. OG isn’t making shots out of nothing like Kawhi was in that 2019 run. But OG is making game-winners! Look at OG’s field-goal percentage. Look at his three-point percentage. He’s programmed to make every corner three. What is it going to look like when OG wins the championship? Is he going to walk back to the locker room like nothing happened? How do Raptors fans feel about trading away OG? He had 33 points on 15 shot attempts.
Yes, General Woundwort had 36 points on 25 attempts. He, OG, and GTA won the game. Did General Woundwort have three turnovers in the second half that were loud and made you wretch? Yes. Can we get upset with him? Of course not. The three that he took over The Wembanyama was in line. Just short. Earlier in the game it looked like Becky Hammond was going to take a Trumpian victory lap at the fact that General Woundwort would never win a title shooting as much as he does. Sorry, Becky. You were wrong about that, and you’re ugly so you can’t just segue into an OnlyFans career. Well, maybe you will because some guys will fuck anything, but you’re still ugly. So you have to deal with that for the rest of your life and it will define you. General Woundwort’s ugliness won’t define dick.
Kovid Towns obviously needed to be on the court but he continued reminding everyone why the Timberwolves traded him for Julius Randle. 2 fouls in the first minute. The Carter Bryant layup attempt around Kovid was not a foul. Kovid spent this whole game being a retard. His dad looked like his mom was reborn but then died again the second after everyone accepted the fact that she was, in fact, reborn. That’s the level of disappointment that Kovid Towns’ dad had on his face watching his son. Kovid was getting fouls, making absurd wraparound passes to GTA at the basket, and finished the game with 5 attempts in 26 minutes. So atrocious. Kovid Towns can hug OG and cry all he wants. That was disgusting. That was an effort from someone who is the opposite of a person who you want to go to battle with. Earlier in the game, Kovid was getting in sloppy tie-ups with Carter Bryant and then going completely limp in his body to show everyone that Kovid is giving up in that moment. Not a lot of people do “pathetic” better than Kovid Towns. No wonder his mom died of the Covid. Maybe if Kovid actually instilled his will on the game, his mom wouldn’t have died from a pandemic with modern healthcare and modern knowledge. Idiot.
Jeez, that’s pretty nasty stuff. Well, Kovid Towns deserved it. And he deserved that clean uppercut that The Wembanyama gave him with his elbow. That was really nice to see.
When Kovid left the game because he got 2 fouls in the first minute, he tried to act like Ariel Hukporti’s biggest advocate. Fuck Kovid. Ariel is actually pretty fast and he needs to play over stepson because stepson isn’t finishing ally-oops now. He’s definitely never making a free throw. The Spurs intentionally fouled stepson and Mike Brown took him out because stepson is literally not making a single free throw right now. Stepson tied for the worst plus-minus with Deuce McBride. Both of those guys need to be replaced. Stepson by Ariel Hukporti, and McBride by More GTA. Hell, even Sochan. Sochan hilariously found himself with the ball and an expiring shot clock and called his own number with The Wembanyama guarding him. Ariball. Fine. Sochan still moves really well and he seems like he can get a rebound and also not get buttfucked by Dylan Harper. McBride’s three-point misses are all way off and Dylan Harper is molesting him every time McBride is getting the short straw and getting the Harper Assignment.
“It’s amazing how quiet it is.” - Mike Breen.
Yeah, that’s how the first half was going. Mike Breen was calling the first half “embarrasing” on the broadcast and he’s the local Knicks announcer. The Knicks were just standing around and bitching to the dipshit refs instead of preventing The Wembanyama from converting offensive putbacks. The Spurs were making every three and The Wembanyama was continuing his UFC tryout audition tape by taking out Kovid with that clean elbow uppercut to the chin. It wasn’t as clean as the takeout of Naz Reid but The Wembanyama needed to not stare down Kovid before clocking him. The Wembanyama needed to stay in the game and not get a flagrant 2. But unfortunately, The Wembanyama got tired. The people at UFC are going to take that into consideration for his audition, but it’s reasonable that The Wembanyama got tired. He played 44 minutes. Elon played him too long. Did Elon play The Wembanyama for the entire second half? Because it was a blowout in the first half. Really awful strategy by Elon Musk to play The Wembanyama 44 minutes in a game that was a blowout for three quarters.
What else did Elon do to contribute to losing that game? Well, he didn’t have the dick to play Dylan Harper enough again. This time, Dylan needed to play over Stephon Castle. 32 minutes for Dylan needed to be 35. 25 minutes for Stephon Castle needed to be 22. The final margin was one point so nothing too major. Just a little more of the shaft.
Elon didn’t do that, and Elon also didn’t scream at the team to run out clock during the fourth quarter. Devin Vassell tried an open three after a Knicks turnover (or miss) in the fourth quarter. Devin missed and gave the ball right back to the Knicks. Obviously, De’Aaron tried a layup with 12 seconds left and no shot clock that was blocked by OG and recovered by the Knicks. De’Aaron Fox wasn’t awful in this game but he’s going to have to live with that decision for the rest of his life. Esteemed Editor and every other Spurs fan, are going to blame this on De’Aaron and daydream about trading him instead of Stephon Castle to make room for Dylan. We’re not sure that Stephon Castle is the one who should go, but we’re pretty confident. De’Aaron is playing injured and we can’t forget that. Will De’Aaron age badly? Probably. Sure, trade De’Aaron. Good luck because you’ll need a ball handler. Stephon Castle can’t be the second ball-handler.
Dylan Harper was making outside shots. He’s going to be a top-10 player next year if he can make 36% of his threes. He’s just excellent. It’s a wonder what Ron Harper was saying to everyone in the stands while Dylan was playing as amazingly as he was during a Finals game on the road as a rookie. Not only was Dylan making threes from the corner that he knew were money for every second leading up to the release, but Dylan refuses to do anything on defense other than shut down whoever he’s guarding. General Woundwort included. Dylan Harper is just a miracle.
Who threw that alley-oop to Carter Bryant from halfcourt? Stephon Castle. It was an incredible dunk. Carter Bryant actually ended Jordan Clarkson’s career with that steal trying to bring the ball up the court. Woof. Maybe another thing that Elon screwed up is not giving Carter Bryant more minutes. Have Carter out there to rest The Wembanyama instead of Catholic Hammer.
The Wembanyama missed a pair of free throws in the fourth quarter and that absolutely shocked us. Devin Vassell shot the Defensive 3 Seconds free-throw over The Wembanyama and that isn’t usually the case. The Wembanyama has been shooting the technical free throws.
Quick side-note on the dipshit refs. Thank God Zac Zarba said “Wembanyama” during the issuing of the flagrant foul 1. Marc Davis says the abbreviated version of the name and that’s really gross. We’re not ones to sandbag the dipshit refs but we’re going to do that now for Marc Davis for not saying The Wembanyama’s name. Andre Miller always said his teammates’ full names as a sign of respect. So Marc Davis doesn’t have that respect for the players. Fuck Marc Davis. He should start an OnlyFans where he makes gay pics wearing just the Nike shoes that he creams himself over. Faggot.
Random crowd notes include Taylor Swift making “Stevie Knicks” shirts and jumping around with Mariska Hargitay. During the muted halftime show, the picture that Ernie Johnson took with Taylor was shared. Kenny Smith is a jackass and he was mogging Ernie with grabbing around Ernie’s shoulders and saying, “Ernie you’re a married man. You can’t be lusting over Taylor’s implants” with his body language. Taylor was much more excited to be in attendance for that Knicks game than she was when she watched the Cavs game with Travis. She had a lot more fun jumping around with her girlfriends than watching Travis shotgun a beer.
Kylie’s tits made an appearance. They look amazing. Kylie does it right. She just wears a plain white shirt. The broadcast doesn’t show nearly as much Kylie and Timothée as it did last year. For shame!
Madison Square Garden plays the beat that Matthew McConaughey played out in Wolf of Wall Street after he bumped a line and drank a few vodka martinis. The part where he beats his chest to the endless loop of fugazi money. If that’s really the source of that beat and the Knicks play it at home games, that’s awesome.
SPURS 🤠 (-5.5) over Knicks 👖
- Yeah, I’m switching up. I’m looking at the line and thinking “it wouldn’t be 5.5 unless the people setting it, think that the Spurs will actually blow them out”. So yeah, that’s where we’re at.
