Record: 7-7
š¶That part of me left yesterday
š¶The heart of me is strong today
š¶No regrets I'm blessed to say
š¶The old me dead and gone away
-
āRobert, I know I tell you this all the time but I love you. Donāt ever forget that. People say those words all the time because they feel like itās the appropriate thing to do or that it feels good to say. Robert, Iām with you. Until the end. No one, not even Brad, is a bigger believer in you than me!ā
ā...ā
āRobert, you can do anything. You are perseverant. You are ingenious. You are wonderfully creative. Sometimes I worry that you are too hard on yourself. Take a look around, Robert. You need to take a moment and let it all sink in with what youāve just done.ā
(Ghetto Lovechild is fighting back a big smile. He hates when I gas him up like this!)
āRobert! You have to hear this! Look at all the Mason Plumleeās and Dwight Howardās who can rain threes in practice! Look at them! But did they bring that practice into the game? They didnāt! You did! Because youāre special Robert! You are that dude! Donāt ever forget it! Goddamn, Robert, these threes youāre taking in playoff games against the 2-seed?! They look comfortable! Youāre not the rim-rolling lob finisher who those draft pundit retards said you were when they saw you do that windmill dunk in the tournament! Robert, youāre a goddamn basketball player! People couldnāt see it all. Robert, people will want to put you in a mental box for all your life. NEVER LET THEM! You can do whatever you want on a basketball court, Robert. Itās your mind. You have a special mind. Donāt ever let anyone tell you different!ā
āDad, cāmon. Weāre tied 1-1. We aināt finished.ā
āI know! But damn, Robert. Iām just so fucking happy right now! Everyone thought you were dead and gone away in Portland! You just won a playoff game with an and1 lob! Just know that there was not one second that me or Brad ever stopped believing in you! Alright, get back to your team. I love you.ā
Hey guys, who is the poster child for the five years of NBA ATS emails? Oh, thatās right, itās Ghetto Lovechild! Thatās my nigga! If you think that for one second that I wasnāt going to make this about my Ghetto Lovechild after yāall niggas let him be forgotten in Portland, YāALL NIGGAS FUCKED UP! Thatās Ghetto Lovechild! Heās making corner threes like heās won games making corner threes all his life! Thatās Ghetto Lovechild! You see how special his mind is when he kicks out a pass from the corner to Jrue āBug Eyesā Holiday and Bug Eyes passes it right back to him. Ghetto Lovechild catches it, kickstarts his practiced physical memory of making thousands of threes in practice, and calmly buries that shit! Thatās mah nigga! Fuck yeah!
Goddamn that was fantastic. Did Ghetto Lovechild do other things to propel the Blazers to victory when Bear Jew only had 14 points? Of course he did. Heās Ghetto Lovechild! Heās my chosen black progeny!
You look at the nba.com box score and youāre struck by how Donovan Clinganās plus-minus was terrible and Ghetto Lovechildās was excellent. Did that happen for concrete differences between the two? Yes. Yes it did. Thereās the small difference of Ghetto Lovechild having a three-point percentage 35 percentage points higher than Clingan. Thereās that. And the one three-point attempt that Ghetto Lovechild airballed was rebounded by Bug Eyes for a putback that put the Blazers ahead with ten seconds left!
Thereās also the difference of Ghetto Lovechild having better hands than Clingan. Ghetto Lovechild catches the terrible lob passes that Bug Eyes throws and dunks those bad boys. Clingan does not do that. Clingan doesnāt position himself around the rim so that dribblers can see The Wembanyama helping off him and allowing the lob to be thrown. Ghetto Lovechild had that lob while The Wembanyama was playing and it was jarring to see the Blazers score in the paint while The Wembanyama was playing. But yeah, thatās Ghetto Lovechild. Heās special. Donāt ever compare these Mark Williams niggas to Ghetto Lovechild.
But do you know what Ghetto Lovechild and I have been working on for the entire time that I visited my second (black) family in Louisiana? His passing. Ghetto Lovechild is a student of the game. 4 assists and zero turnovers. Clingan aināt doing that shit. Ignore the fact that all of those assists were statkeeper shenanigans that awarded assists off of handoffs where the recipient needed to make several moves to score. Ghetto Lovechild is better at screen handoffs than Clingan.
Tiaggo Splitter started the game with Clingan guarding Stephon Castle which felt like a desperate move. It kinda worked. Stephon wasnāt able to make threes while being left alone. Stephon can dribble into a 12-foot bank shot from the side but he canāt shoot you out of ignoring him like Donte DiVincenzo, Naz Reid, or Anthony Edwards.
Two blocks from Ghetto Lovechild. Both of which led to Blazersā fastbreaks. Whatever. All of the Draft Industrial Complex saw Ghetto Lovechildās obvious shot-blocking. Heāll do that forever. Ghetto Lovechild āprotects the rimā. The opposite of Lord Voldemort. Ghetto Lovechild isnāt The Wembanyama, but you have a respectable NBA defense with Ghetto Lovechild out there doing what he does best. Now, youāll need to figure out the rebounding shit, but thatās a better position than what Denver is in where Jaden McDaniels is calling them out postgame and not having the slightest hint of trepidation regarding what Lord Voldemort will do about it. Niggas donāt speak about Ghetto Lovechild like that. Itās for a reason.
But will he make game-sealing alley-oop finishes forever? Not forever, but today, he can do that. What an insane way to end it! Missed the free throw after I hyped up his free-throw abilities to Dad. We watch Ghetto Lovechild as a family.
Speaking of Dad, he had a brilliant observation of Spurs Coach. Previously, Iāve mentioned to Esteemed Editor that Spurs Coach is way more lightskin that expected. This observation was different. It wasnāt that Spurs Coach might be the ugliest-looking mixed person in the world. No, it wasnāt that.
Spurs Coach looks like Elon Musk.
While weāre here talking about Elon Musk coaching the Spurs, letās address the dipshit refs. They did as good of a job reffing that game as you can expect from an imperfect, subjective, impossible task. Yeah, Tiaggo Splitter got a technical because they absolutely missed a foul call on Luke āCatholic Hammerā Kornet against Clingan on a lob that Clingan couldnāt finish. It was a bad mistake that needed to be called. Tiaggo doesnāt get techs for no reason. There was also a ball that Catholic Hammer kicked out of bounds that became a jump ball. There might have been another play where Catholic Hammer hit it out of bounds that the dipshit refs didnāt see and awarded the Spurs possession. Whatever. What can you expect? Not for one moment did I feel like dribblers going toward the rim were getting bank bailouts. Thatās huge. Thatās integrity.
The broadcast showed David Robinson in attendance. Tim Duncan and his cum bucket didnāt attend because Timmy D reads these and learned about how his partner looks at The Wembanyama with āsuck your dick in front of an arena full of peopleā vibes. Good on Timmy D for reading the best NBA playoff literature in the game. But yeah, David was sitting without accompaniment. Next to some regular Spurs fan chatting it up. Being famous. Being a Spurs hero. David Robinson is obviously a great guy. You see it in his face when he smiles. I wish I had a smile like that! A smile that made everyone around me 100% confident that I was a nice guy who wasnāt consumed by hatred and the need to escape. Shout out David Robinson!
DeāAaron Fox got upset about not getting foul calls. Fuck him. It was so gratifying to see Bear Jew push DeāAaron before shooting free throws. I canāt believe how much I love Bear Jew. Heās just a warrior. Imposes his physical will. Never backs down. Never shies away from rejection. Bear Jew is the real Greater Israel Project. An Olympic basketball team full of warriors like Bear Jew.
The Spurs probably got the better whistle thanks to those Catholic Hammer miscalls. DeāAaron is looking real weak out there. Heās kinda getting manhandled by Scoot Henderson and heās not blowing by everyone trying to guard him. DeāAaron is playing light years behind where he was at against the Warriors about three years ago. You know, Iām going to break out the mental models that I have refined over the half-decade of making NBA ATS and Iām going to predict that the Spurs wizen up to their backcourt glut and trade DeāAaron in order to make way for Dylan Harper. I would advice the Spurs to do this next offseason. Dylan needs another year of maturing. Do we get the sense that a De-Aaron/The Wembanyama pick-and-roll is as unguardable as the Dylan/The Wembanyama pick-and-roll? No. No, we donāt. And thatās DeāAaronās fault obviously because nothing is The Wembanyamaās fault.
Devin Vassell gets a lot of hate from Esteemed Editor because Devin is one of those Kobe Wroshippers. Devin got some guff from me earlier for not dribbling towards the rim with courage. Weāre recanting all hate speech directed at Devin Vassell. Heās a keeper. It was confusing how after The Wembanyama suffered a brain bruise smashing his face against the floor, the Spurs became an offense captioned by Devin Vassell. Did Elon Musk tell the team to follow Devin? Elon Musk is a great coach by the way. But Devinās makes were pure swishes (just like Julian Champagnie). When he sticks to catch-and-shoot in lieu of dribble pullups, heās a phenomenal shooter. And Devin combines his amazing shooting with a dash of rim protection! That combination is rare and valuable. Now, todayās block from Devin wasnāt a chase-down or a rim stuff of Clingan. It was just your typical block of Jerami Grant on a three-point attempt. Still! Impressive! Jerami Grant canāt stop getting his shit swatted by the way. Itās embarrassing and heās an anchor on this Blazer team. Maybe Tom Dundon, the Blazersā diseased owner oligarch, can find a way to reduce operating expenses by trading Jerami Grant to the Sacramento Queens.
But back to why Elon Musk is a great coach. He gave Carter Bryant (who we loved predraft) another honest opportunity to play and Carter felt empowered to play well. Blocked Clingan with his elbow, getting stops on Bear Jew, making a three, and dunking the ball. Carter Bryant is good now, and he will be excellent later. Not a lot of people are physically capable of guarding Bear Jew like Carter Bryant is. CBās butterfly tattoos are very gay and his face looks kinda like Kevin Knoxās but Carter Bryant is another excellent find by the Spursā front office. He closed the game with Champagnie, Keldon Johnson, Dylan Harper, and DeāAaron!
No Catholic Hammer to close which is kinda surprising because Catholic Hammer was excellent again. His hands are in a different universe from Clinganās. Five offensive rebounds for Catholic Hammer to go along with a grown-man and1 dunk. Catholic Hammer is a big strong man. Unlike Donovan Clingan who is just strong. We didnāt go into this expecting to bash Donovan Clingan as much as we have, but thatās whatās happening. The Blazers need to package Clingan and maybe Shaedon Sharpe to get rid of Jerami Grant.
Speaking of Shaedon, he wasnāt making threes again but he did have the most impressive block of the game on Stephon Castle. Shaedon needs to go. Heās not someone whom we believe in in terms of his mental craftiness. Shaedon is not someone who will āfigure it outā. Heās someone who will take ābeautifulā midrange shots because for all his life, people have jacked him off and told him how great he is. Is Shaedon physically weak? Does he go to the weight room? Is Bug Eyes helping him become a disruptive defender? We donāt see it, and we donāt believe in it.
Bug Eyes was missing way too many shots and just looking like an old man getting tired and making mental mistakes. Dad insisted on the broadcast being unmuted so we got to hear Reggie Miller talk over the game, but Reggie astutely pointed out what a retarded pass that one pass to the middle of the paint was from Bug Eyes. We said āJesus Christā is a bad way before Reggie pointed that out of course, but good on Reggie for appropriately chastising Bug Eyes for that terrible pass with 3 minutes left in the game. Bug Eyes makes those terrible passes.
Aside from Reggie appropriately flaming Bug Eyes for that Old Man Brain Fart, Mike Tirico did a good job of pointing out how Toumani Camara seemed like a different person between halves. Credit Tiaggo Splitter and his excellent coaching. Toumani looked like a scared little bitch who was uncomfortable shooting in the first half and then in the second half, Toumani accepted the challenge and was comfortable attempting his open threes! He even knocked down a pair of mission-critical free throws that the Blazers absolutely needed. Good on Toumani. Good on Mike Tirico.
You never get the feeling that Bug Eyes is passing people open. You get the feeling of relief when Bug Eyes makes a pass that isnāt a turnover.
There was also a loose ball at the end of the game that Bug Eyes needed to beat Catholic Hammer to. Catholic Hammer won that race and it was a damning indictment. Yes, Bug Eyes made a hook shot over Catholic Hammer. Yes, Bug Eyes kinda won the game with his offensive rebound putback off of that airball three from Ghetto Lovechild. Bug Eyes was not good in this game. He did his customary box-out foul on the alley-oop to The Wembanyama that he does every game. He never gets his ass into a vulnerable spot in the defense after getting ball screens. Not like how Dylan Harper does right now as a rookie! Bug Eyes has been a below-average pick-and-roll practitioner for his entire career and heās not going to start being good at it now that heās fucking thirty-five. Shit aināt sweet.
How have we talked about so much and not Scoot Henderson?! That guy who I remember debating Scoot vs Brandon Miller with, is surely ecstatic with that Scoot Henderson BARN BURNER. Jesus Christ, Scoot was making threes and punking DeāAaron! If Scoot is going to be an admirable soldier for the Greater Israel Project in the service of Bear Jew, heās going to need to score on physically slender defenders like DeāAaron Fox or this version of Dylan Harper.
Zero assists from Scoot and thatās perfectly fine because the Blazers need scorers since Bug Eyes is out there missing eleven shots, Jerami Grant is missing seven, and Clingan is missing eight. Even when Scoot passes, his alley-oop passes to Ghetto Lovechild are woefully off-target. I guess that Bug Eyes is teaching him how to throw terrible alley-oops. Veteran leadership!
Unbelievable Blazers victory. Weāre happy to have lost that pick when the game was that thrilling. Watching the Blazers let the Spurs get four offensive rebounds before getting a shot clock violation was a great encapsulation of that thrilling rock fight of a playoff game!
PISTONS š (-8.5) over Magic šŖ
- This line went down from 9.5. I want to take the Magic but all the underdogs covered yesterday and itās just to easy to believe that this is a bounce-back spot for the Pistons. I want to take the Magic because I love when everyone realizes that the preseason doesnāt mean dick. Iām probably watching this game.
THUNDER āļø (-17.5) over Suns
- LMAO this spread is so high. Iām not picking the Suns for this entire series.
