Record: 43-35
“I know it is late… but I am thinking of you. Tonight, I feel very close to the moon. We are both alone. Are you alone, too? By luck, a late-night walk has brought me to the foot of your apartment. Open the door. That we were meant to be together, a little less alone in a world that is so cold.”
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Tatty Macleod has always had disappointing sex with French men! And yesterday, with their disappointment in French Men, Tatty and our Esteemed Editor could make each other feel a little less alone in a world that feels so cold.
That’s right! The Wembanyama couldn’t do it! Not this year! What did I say yesterday? When the world was full of doubt at the Thunder. What did I say? I said that we’re STICKING TO THE PLAN! That’s right, eat this dick, bitches! You want to set the line at Thunder -5.5 and take it DOWN to -3.5?! You want to offer me the Thunder at home ON A DISCOUNT?! Hey, I’m just as susceptible to the rapaciousness of man as any other guy with a dick. If circumstances are right, if the world that I’m in feels unsteady, I’ll line up with all of the other desperate little boys and I’ll buy a $4,000 membership to an online group in the desperate hope to accomplish the one thing that matters to me in this world. You can get a “high-ticket closer” in front of me and I’ll flood myself with the demented emotions inside me like a whore. Yes, if I’m feeling hopeless, if I’m feeling alone, I’ll sign right up to give everything I have to the people peddling hope. Yes, I know that’s uncomfortable. I’m the Prophet of God. I’m supposed to be above that. But I’m not.
Because none of us are.
But guess what, bitches?! Now I’m centered. Now I’m doing what I’m internally compelled to do. Unbound by the vicissitudes of desperation that follow paying rent and relying on an obviously unstable .com company to pay me $2,200 a week after taxes. No, that time has left.
By luck, unforeseen life circumstances have brought me to this profound mental clarity. Open the door. We were meant to be together. In this moment. With me acting as a voice of reason, unburdened by the perniciousness of money. You and me, the POG.
You see, you and everyone else wants things right now. And guess what? I used to be right there with you. Believing in people to give me some kind of quicker path toward what I want. Well, guess what? That hope you have? It’s trying to kill you. People know about that little hope you have. People know about it, and people design systems to tax it. For some people, it’s the lottery. For others, it’s joining a private Discord community to have a better chance at becoming a DJ who has sex with Social Media Influencers. For me, it was a “coaching” group to help me achieve 1099 tech income when I couldn’t really talk about tech like the Punjabs and tech cocksuckers who have been looking at sentences with “algorithm” ever since they understood that the only way to get some cock in their mouth was to be able to talk about “caching” in a way that you could never comprehend.
Listen, we all have it. I just admit it. Because I have the humility to admit that I’m wrong and the wisdom to perform an autopsy of what led to that point in my life. In this moment, I am a divine child of God. The Prophet of God. And you will hear me.
Tell me what I want to hear.
No! You wanted to buy into this historically unprecedented outcome. You wanted to believe that The Wembanyama could win that game against the Thunder in OKC with the best fans in the NBA? SORRY! Maybe next year! Jesus Christ, you’re just like the desperate young men who give Andrew Tate money to watch him have the sex you should be having. Pathetic.
Would Elon Musk do whatever it takes to not have a sextape of his come out? What about Jeff Bezos? Jeff feels like someone who might just have performative embarrassment about the world watching him have sex. Elon feels like someone who wouldn’t handle it very well because he’s not good at sex and the world finding that out would be problematic.
Listen, we took the Thunder to win and to cover. It was an incredibly brilliant pick. You’re welcome. Taking the Thunder and watching them win that game was extremely enjoyable! It was not a game that the dipshit refs ruined. It was not a game that Selfish Shai drowned in stoicism. Chet popped off for 16 points, most of which came in the first three minutes of the game. No, this was a game that featured multiple good calls and no-calls by Tony Brothers. He has some smut on his name for trying to be too friendly with players and talk about courtside kum buckets, but Tony Brothers is a good ref. Yes, he sometimes gets this body language when he fucks up where he looks like he’s collapsing in on himself, and that’s bad, but he gave Chet a no-call that Chet absolutely deserved because Chet is just there to get ass-raped. Chet pleaded his case to Tony after that no-call and Chet might’ve been right, but Chet didn’t deserve that foul call. The best officiating is not what is right or what is wrong. The best officiating is what you do and don’t deserve. What is appropriate and what makes sense given the game. You definitely can’t say that if you are the league though. You can’t say, “The dipshit refs are unbiased and they’re going to make decisions that determine who wins and loses. They’re the best people we could find and if you have a problem with them, eat this dick.” No, the NBA Oligarchs are too stupid from “billionaire brain” to have that kind of confidence.
Did Esteemed Editor see James Capers show the world that he’s one of those boomer dipshit refs that need to be pushed out to pasture and demand a “dipshit ref piece”? Of course he did! Esteemed Editor likes to pretend that because he went to law school outside of the continental United States, that he’s not some grifter floating off of what his dad accomplished back in the time when things could be accomplished. But just wait. Give Esteemed Editor some competitive moments and he’ll show you his ass. He’ll blame James Capers for missing an obvious challenge request by Elon Musk and blame the dipshit refs for the Spurs losing by 15. The world has been great for Esteemed Editor. Disappointment at the fact that The Wembanyama isn’t going to The Finals this year, is not something that Esteemed Editor can handle with grace. And why should he? The world is Esteemed Editor’s. It’s been his world from the moment he was born.
No, the Thunder did not infect this game with their usual chicanery with foul-grifting and tricking the dipshit refs to not call fouls on them. All of those fouls that Selfish Shai was given were obvious calls. Stephon Castle definitely fouled the heck out of Selfish Shai. Now, the Thunder weren’t playing The Beautiful Game like the Knicks are, but the Thunder are playing good basketball.
Just look at the box score. It tells you what happened. The Wembanyama only made 4 shots. The Spurs need The Wembanyama to have 30 points. Not 20 on 15 attempts. Devin Vassell and De’Aaron Fox were atrocious. Especially De’Aaron. But this was always about The Wembanyama and The Wembanyama wasn’t ready to win this Game 5 against the Thunder and the best fans in the league.
Those OKC fans really are excellent. One young woman was wearing a “Wemby is a little bitch” shirt that had to be custom-made. The “i” in “little” was the spur logo that the Spurs use. She must have been 16. It was a funny shirt. There were three people dressed up as nuns in response to three legitimate nuns going to watch Catholic Hammer in San Antonio. That’s very funny. The entire arena obviously erupts whenever Chet Holmgren gives them any hope that he’s done being a prison bitch. That’s smart. Chet couldn’t quite escape it yesterday but he can never blame the fans for not obviously going out of their way to cheer him on whenever he manages to score a basket. Of course, all of the fans wear the playoff shirts that their oligarch Clay Bennet so generously provides. Go ask the Portland fans about their playoff shirts!
Why did the Spurs lose? Well if you ask Jamal Crawford, it’s because “The Spurs aren’t playing with emotion. They’re playing emotional.” That’s some really choice nigger-speak. Dwyane Wade does stuff like that when he’s talking. Switching around words and acting like some twenty-year-old who’s having a smoke circle. Saying retarded stuff and then waiting for everyone else to say how mind-blowing it is.
“It’s like, I’m still figuring it out!” Yeah, Dad didn’t quite use the hate speech that I used to describe what Jamal Crawford was saying, but he’s still there in the camp of “Jamal Crawford needs to be muted during games”.
But no, the Spurs lost because The Wembanyama wasn’t making enough shots, and Devin Vassell and De’Aaron Fox were terrible. Really, it’s insane to me how Mark Baguette is this great coach and he doesn’t find ways to maroon De’Aaron Fox onto Selfish Shai more often. Whenever De’Aaron finds himself guarding Selfish Shai, it feels like an easy two points for the Thunder.
But aside from that quibble regarding Mark Baguette, he’s a great coach. Just based off of the stuff we see during games. He doesn’t make retarded challenges like Tom Thibodeau. He doesn’t play Jordan Clarkson like Mike Brown does (tbf, Mike is an excellent coach). He doesn’t tear his knee ligaments on the sideline like Chris Finch did. He hasn’t gained forty pounds like Nick Nurse has. He adjusts to the game like an actual strategist, completely opposite of Joe Mazzulla (coach of the year?). Mark Baguette is great. So is Elon.
Mark Baguette broke out KenRich Williams! Was KenRich playing over Chet?! KenRich was great! He came into the game and swished threes like a man pleading with Sam Presti to let him stay on the team! KenRich confidently takes wide-open threes and perfectly swishes them. KenRich also appears to have a “nose” for defensive rebounding. Against The Wembanyama, who strangely owns the glass, that’s extremely important. You really feel the need to say “thank you” after every one of these defensive rebounds in these Bestern Conference Finals games. That’s part of how you know these games are great.
Mark Baguette definitely subbed out Chet with KenRich Williams midway through the second quarter, but aside from that, we’re not sure if Mark Baguette is actually cutting Chet’s minutes. He should be. Chet made some shots at the very beginning of this game and then immediately proceeded to widen his asshole because of Devin Vassell, Julian Champagnie, Keldon Johnson, and The Wembanyama. There is some news circulating about how evidently, Chet was better than The Wembanyama when they were younger. Typical American. Getting out ahead and then allowing the hype train to make you complacent and now the Frenchman has given you obvious self-esteem issues. Chet is such a little pussy out on that court against the Spurs. Don’t let the fact that he popped off for 16 points fool you. Earlier in the day, during some gym time correspondence with one of the douchebags who reads these, I said that Chet would “pop off” for 18 points and that’s why you take the Thunder to cover this game. I was two points off. The fact remains that Chet sucks and he needs to be traded for High School Dance Chaperone and the #4 pick. The Thunder would throw in some firsts. Many more if Buzelis is included. Less if Patrick Williams is. Much less, lol.
Chet had a moment against Devin Vassell where he was jab-stepping. No one respects Chet’s jab step because it has the power of a 16-year-old girl behind it. Personally, that’s extremely unrelatable. When I jab-step, niggas move backwards. When Chet gives a jab, Devin Vassell steps up and rips the ball out of Chet’s hands while Chet falls down. That is so weak and disgusting.
Chet had a fadeaway shot in the paint that was thoroughly rejected by The Wembanyama. When The Wembanyama starts blocking Chet’s fadeaways, you know some Dark Web Stuff (DWS) is about to happen to Chet Holmgren’s butthole. That DWS was performed by Keldon Johnson moments later when Keldon put his shoulder into Chet’s concave chest and two-hand dunked him back to his childhood, where Chet’s uncle just got out of prison and couldn’t get the taste of gay sex out of himself. Yikes, that was emasculating.
What else? Well there was Chet attempting a three with Keldon running out to him with no chance of contesting the shot. Chet airballed that three because he’s obviously petrified of Keldon Johnson. Hey, Sam Presti, fucking trade Chet. I dgaf that you’re about to beat the Spurs. Get out ahead of this problem. KenRich Williams just had a game where he was better than Chet against The Wembanyama. Chet’s crisis of confidence is getting out of hand. It’s getting out of hand and it’s threatening to set back White American Basketball.
Obviously, Julian Champagnie gets isolated with Chet Holmgren and manhandles Chet all the way to the basket before inducing Chet to commit a weak foul for an and1. Julian Champagnie was back to perfectly swishing threes yesterday but he was also interspersing that with some really mortifying dogwalking of Chet Holmgren despite being six inches shorter. It’s getting hard to look at Chet. Looking at Chet is approaching the uncomfortability levels of thinking about how some people are actually drawn to pedophilia. Chet’s haircut does him no favors. Obviously trying to run away from his identity as a soft little bitch, just makes him more unlikable.
Chet needs to leave.
Can Alex Caruso be in the three-point contest? If Devin Booker was able to be in it, Alex Caruso needs to be there! My goodness, just another 50% three-point shooting game on high volume from Alex Caruso! And on defense? He’s stripping Dylan Harper in a way that Dylan has never been stripped by anyone, let alone a white boy, in his life! Alex Caruso was playing great basketball yesterday. We didn’t watch this game and get angry that Alex Caruso was fouling on every possession and the dipshit refs weren’t calling the fouls. This wasn’t like last year’s Finals against the Rabbits.
Can Alex Caruso be any more of a man? 6 assists, 3 steals, second on the team in points. Went to the locker room for God knows what, and came out to continue the Thunder Death March to the Finals. Big Media likes to make lists of the best players in the league. If Alex Caruso is not in the top 40 of those lists, the list-makers need to be castigated. Not castrated.
You’ll look at the box score and say that Cason Wallace made it so Sam Presti is definitely finding a new home for Haitian Scarface this offseason. You would be correct. Now, there’s some weird stuff with Haitian Scarface’s contract that makes it not able to be included in Spotrac, but Haitian Scarface needs to go so that Cason Wallace can fly. And Haitian Scarface was good in this game! He just wasn’t Cason Wallace.
Did Cason Wallace strip Dylan of the ball while Dylan was meandering up the court? Yes! That’s Cason Wallace! He really might be the best on-ball defender in the world. Cason’s second-best play was an incredible block of a tip-in attempt by Catholic Hammer that you could look at forever in slow motion and have no idea whether it was goaltending or not. In the moment, Catholic Hammer was sure that it was goaltending and you thought it had to be when you saw the play happen on tv but when you saw the replay you were like, “Wow I don’t know!”
But Cason Wallace swings the ball around the perimeter on offense. His swing passes aren’t getting tipped out of bounds like Jaylin Williams’ are. You orchestrate high-quality offense with Cason Wallace. Cason can swing the ball around much better than Haitian Scarface. Swing the ball and dribble into the paint while keeping his head up and looking for open teammates.
The Thunder started to break this game open at the beginning of the second quarter. That lineup? Chet (lol), Alex Caruso, Cason Wallace, zesty Jared McCain, and Jaylin Williams. The Triumverate struck in Game 5! Zesty Jared McCain absolutely closed the game out with making threes before flashing his painted nails, and made just enough penetrating layups before then to keep the boat from sinking while Selfish Shai turned the ball over, screwed up defensive switches with Alex Caruso (to let Carter Bryant have that dunk), and just generally miss shots.
Zesty Jared McCain wasn’t making enough threes and free throws but the misses that zesty Jared McCain has at the rim allow teammates to get putbacks. That’s extremely helpful!
Alex Caruso might have had the play that signified the game when he took De’Aaron Fox off the dribble and made a thirteen-foot jumper over him. Alex Caruso is dribbling around defenders and making shots! Getting sent to the free-throw line! Basketball is a game of offense and defense, and Alex Caruso was excellent at both in a Bestern Conference Finals Game 5. Don’t give us this guff about Alex Caruso not being a star.
Now, was Haitian Scarface great? Yes, he was making his open threes and he was attacking loose balls on defense without committing disgusting fouls. He also cleaned up some misses at the rim by zesty Jared McCain that pulled in the defense and allowed offensive rebound opportunities. There was also an illegal screen that Haitian Scarface drew. He’s still getting traded this offseason but now it looks like Haitian Scarface can go out looking great instead of being rushed out the door because the new secretary is younger, firmer, and didn’t have any misgivings about getting implants early. Cason Wallace.
Haitian Scarface had a good run. Showed up to the office and took that dick without getting pregnant. Close a lot of client deals with the sloppy toppy that was issued. Now, those services were fairly compensated and the OKC office is in the business of winning today. That prime objective goes with sending Haitian Scarface on his way to New Orleans.
Gosh, there are more Thunder players besides The Triumverate, Chet Holmgren and Haitian Scarface! There’s Isaiah Hartenstein whose shot put shots are programmed into his brain to do nothing but perfectly swish. It really is a joy to witness Isaiah with those shots that he’s bizarrely perfected. Esteemed Editor wants The Inner Game Of Tennis so that maybe he can allow his own body to do something with infinite intelligence like Isaiah does those shot put shots.
But aside from the automatic shot puts, Isaiah had a very important dunk that he dribbled around some defenders to get to. Oh, and 15 rebounds. Sam Presti can not allow Isaiah Hartenstein to leave because Isaiah is better than Chet Holmgren. 4 assists from Isaiah. Triple the amount of Chet’s. Isaiah doesn’t get the ball taken away because he’s strong. Unlike bitch boi Chet Holmgren. C’mon, Sam! Turn Chet Holmgren into Trey Murphy!
Yes, Selfish Shai had a relatively bad game. It was still a good game. He made two threes. One of his layups literally featured him outmaneuvering all 5 Spurs defenders. Let’s say that again. Selfish Shai had a layup where he went by all 5 Spurs defenders. One of which was The Wembanyama! It was his last made shot. The one with 2:30 left in Q4. Just filthy. Starts by dusting Champagnie while Devin Vassell goes to where he thinks Selfish Shai is going, then splitting De’Aaron and Castle, before finishing around The Wembanyama. Listen, if Selfish Shai just had a game where he tried to break down defenders and get layups, he’d be as entertaining as Kyrie Irving. But Selfish Shai has himself to think about. His status as injury-free. So he has these middys that no one likes. Too bad. He really is the dance instructor of the NBA.
But this was about the Spurs not being ready. The Wembanyama can give out all the speeches that he wants but it won’t change Stephon Castle into someone who makes layups and doesn’t turn over the ball on the road.
Just another French disappointment!
Thunder ⛈️ (+3.5) over SPURS 🤠
- WE’RE STICKING TO THE PLAN. In a world full of temptation and doubt, we are sticking with our plan to take the Thunder for the rest of the games. Fuck off. The Triumvirate makes the Thunder likable.
