Record: 0-0
“We’re gonna go on even more adventures. And you’re gonna keep your mouth shut about it… because the world is full of idiots who don’t understand what’s important. And they’ll tear us apart. But if you stick with me, I’m gonna accomplish great things, and you’re gonna be a part of them.”
Nickname/Acronym Glossary
Lord Voldemort/The Dark Lord/He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named/Tom Riddle: Nikola Jokic. Strong physical resemblance to Ralph Fiennes and comparable skills to The Dark Lord. Mastered the three unforgivable curses. A fucking Bad Man. We hold Lord Voldemort in the highest regard.
Limp Dick: Jamal Murray. He made a personal porn video on Instagram that was lacking in all ways. Non-existent plot line. The ugliest pubic hair imaginable. A Kentucky student who wasn’t attractive. That woman might not have been something that would start a World War in 1920, but she deserved a firmer, more resolute penis than what Limp Dick was offering in that sexual encounter. If I published a sexual encounter that I was involved with on social media, it would be light years ahead of the dogshit Limp Dick gave us.
After Limp Dick made that impossible layup over Frida Kahlo in the conference finals before the Nuggets’ championship, I swore off imagining another player in his place. It’s a difficult promise to keep but I’m trying my darndest. Limp Dick does that mess with his eyebrows. LaMelo does that mess with his eyebrows which used to kind of excuse it. But now LaMelo is getting into head-on driving collisions with innocent citizens of Charlotte before fleeing the scene. Oh, and also ending Bam Adebayo’s season by taking out his legs.
Boy Toy: Michael Porter Jr. Hey, I used to really like this dude. I used to constantly remind my editor of my infatuation with Boy Toy. How the ball swishes through the net in a different way when Boy Toy makes his shots. How Boy Toy gets Grown Man Rebounds (GMR). How Boy Toy has pictures on the Google machine of him with dyed blonde hair. But then last year’s playoffs happened and Boy Toy was clearly worse than Brucey. Boy Toy missed lots of shots, took low-quality shot attempts, couldn’t bend down to pick up loose balls, and just generally played like a little boy. Not great. Oh, and when Coach Michael Malone sat his ass for Brucey, Boy Toy pouted on the bench with some truly apathetic body language. Now, when I was a young person, I never wanted to be someone that bitched about body language and I’m not really that person now but “truly apathetic” isn’t a behavior I can tolerate from players while their team is burning down the league on the way to a championship. At least sit up straight. God, I’m a crusty old man now. So now his nickname has a significantly condescending tone. A lack of seriousness for a player who really disappointed me and The Dark Lord last year. Maybe Boy Toy will rebound this year but this nickname is etched in stone.
I enjoy ripping on Boy Toy’s mom for raising three kids who’ve been charged with serious crimes, and Boy Toy who is trashing the prime of Lord Voldemort. Not all moms are good at raising people into adults!
Nagini: Aaron Gordon. The Dark Lord's lethal weapon of choice against muggles who can’t do magic and fight off a charmed snake of death. Aaron Gordon wasn’t worthwhile before The Dark Lord made him noteworthy. Some years ago, Aaron Gordon would go to the free-throw line and get those big, scared-shitless eyes, and we had zero faith in him making them. We used to worry that during crunch time, Aaron Gordon was going to let us down Just like the Dark Lord when Nagini got murked by Neville Fucking Longbottom. That distrust is all in the past. Now that Aaron Gordon adopted his dead brother’s sons and clearly became a disciple of God, we hold Aaron Gordon in the highest esteem. Trustworthy man, trustworthy friend, trustworthy instrument of the most painful death imaginable. Snakes!
Christian Brawny: Christian Braun. We freaking love Christian Brawny. Most years I tell one person who I endorse among the crop of NBA rookies. Rookies who are drafted later. Players who either get me excited during the NCAA tournament or catch my eye during Las Vegas Summer League. Four years ago, that player was Christian Brawny. Three years ago, it was GG Jackson after watching GG be bigger and more athletic than everyone on the court in Las Vegas Summer League. Last year it was Terrence Shannon because Tristian da Silva was picked before 20. This year it was Tyrese Proctor who sometimes plays…
When The Finals happened, Christian Brawny was taking the ball out of Jimmy Butler’s hands and dunking that thang. When Christian Brawny screams, we scream. That dude is a soldier. I want him on my basketball team. Christian Brawny attacks the basket trying to kill people. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me but for some reason, I swear that I heard the NCAA commentators saying that his mom took him and a bunch of Kansas Whites to national AAU tournaments as middle schoolers to kick major black ass. I couldn’t find anything on the Google machine to corroborate this so I’m not sure, but in my version of reality, this isn’t fake news or my mind playing tricks on me. Christian Brawny’s mother is a good mom. Unlike Boy Toy’s white mom. Boy Toy’s mom went about creating NBA progeny by having ten mixed babies. Christian Brawny went Quality over Quantity. You don’t hear about Christian Brawny’s siblings getting kicked out of professional sports leagues for throwing games.
Christian Brawny is not on the starting five of NBA USA Whites. That team is Chet Holmgren, Austin Reaves, P Rabbit, Walker Kessler, and Alex Caruso. Never Tyler Herro. That dude is no good. And I know Grayson Allen was the best three-point shooter in 2023 but he was a bonafide target when he played defense for the Bucks.
Our Favorite Black Realtor: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. Not in the playoffs this year but this is such a good nickname that it will always be included. I could’ve sworn that there was a reality firm titled Coldwell-Jones, but I have a sinking suspicion that it’s actually just Coldwell Banker. It’s not worth looking up. Anyways, the name of that firm that my mind tricked me into believing is pretty close to Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and I really like KCP as a basketball player. He plays basketball like a good person. Willing to die for loose balls. Not afraid to take open threes with zero hesitation. Not afraid to set screens against larger humans. Started a (black) family with someone he found at Georgia. Won a title for the Lakers. Gets steals. Doesn’t turn over the basketball. If I were ever in the position to purchase a single-family residence with cash, I would be honored to have Our Favorite Black Realtor as my purchasing agent. I would go to sleep a happy man knowing that a small percentage of the closing price was earmarked to supporting Our Favorite Black Realtor and his four children.
Brucey: Bruce Brown. Not really a nickname, just an affectionate term. We love Brucey and we thought that the Nuggets screwed up by not trading Boy Toy so that they could pay Brucey. Brucey plays basketball like a good person. Just like Our Favorite Black Realtor. Brucey dunks that basketball and obviously enjoys going coast-to-coast with the defensive rebounds he procures. We greatly admire Brucey for talking all that shit to D’Angelo Russell and constantly reminding DLo what a little piece of celery he is. It’s a shame that Brucey is banished to Siberia (Toronto). Let’s all say a quick prayer to get Brucey back on the Nuggets because he is a worthy Death Eater for The Dark Lord.
French Rejection: Rudy Gobert. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list.
Little Game James: James Harden. We hate this faggot. In one of my past lives, my editor and I went to Las Vegas to perform as “entertainers” and we watched Little Games James dribble the ball off his leg out-of-bounds against the Durant Warriors in a short-term-rental home owned and operated by a Chinaman named Jack. Jack was a thrifty fellow and didn’t mind sweating out the Las Vegas summers in his home while watching NBA Playoff Basketball. Fun times.
I believe it was the Rockets team with Chris Paul on it. That effort from Little Game James was just disgusting. Every Rocket just stood around on offense and watched as Little Game James pissed away the season with turnovers. It was truly repugnant. What’s worse is that Little Game James does that every year in the playoffs. That first 76ers flameout against the Heat made me hate myself for watching playoff basketball. Little Game James was literally sitting down on the court as the Heat threw fastbreak ally-oops to Bam Adebayo. That was so gross. To this day I can’t look at people who wear 76ers-branded clothes and not think less of them for sticking with a team that quit as obviously as that 76ers team did against the Miami Heat. Yes, I know that Little Game James had a couple of really good games last year against the Celtics. No, I don’t care at all. He still quit on that series during the last two games. Those three years will always be in my mind but I’m sure that in the other years with the Rockets, Little Game James made similar dogshit efforts to win in the playoffs. Oh yeah, and I’ll always remember the library that I was watching the Rockets comeback over the Clippers that happened after Kevin McHale put Little Game James’ sad-ass on the bench and allowed the Rockets to win a road playoff game because of Josh Smith and Trevor Arize. Screw Little Game James. It saddens me that he’s from LA. He tarnishes the hallowed legacy of professional basketball players from Los Angeles, the basketball capital of the world.
Men who hide behind beards like Little Game James are men who can’t perform when the stakes are highest. Seriously, what kind of guy has a beard like that? Don’t they want the skin on their face to touch the woman who they’re kissing?! I don’t understand. I’ll never understand.
Stormin’ Norman: Norman Powell. Not in the playoffs but included for clout. You do anything for clout. He was a part of my favorite team ever, the 2019 Kawhi Raptors. I made an illegal sports wager on their regular season win total Over and told everyone who came near me that they were going to win the championship, Durant Warriors be damned. Stormin Norman is really good and I admire him. Great shot, super athletic, willing to dunk on your ass. We love Stormin Norman.
Westbroke: Russell Westbrook. Not in the playoffs. There are many different types of nicknames for him that rearrange his last name but this one is mine.
Dragon/Lord Luka: Luka Doncic. This dude is a party and I hate that I didn’t have the chance to watch him the year before Lively got drafted. “Lord Luka” was the nickname I used to use but I’m willing to forget that Goran Dragic was the original “Dragon” and just use that nickname for Luka Doncic. The only other Lord besides Lord Voldemort. I still watch the YouTube video of Lord Luka screaming at Patrick Beverly after getting an and1 on his black ass. Goosebumps. It’s scary how much I lust after the young, skinny version of Lord Luka that almost beat Kawhi and Paul George in the bubble.
Durantula: Kevin Durant. This was his nickname during the beginning of his career but Kevin voiced discontent with it so all the pussies who write about basketball for money stopped calling him this. I’ll keep calling Kevin the Durantula. I don’t get a cent for writing about basketball.
Saboner: Domantas Sabonis. Not in the playoffs! He’s really bad and he handicaps the professional basketball team that I’ve been brainwashed into thinking fondly of. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when they lose in the most spiritually crushing way possible but I will always have some officially branded basketball shorts of the team from Sacramento. No matter how far you move away from Sacramento, you’ll always be a Manchurian Candidate who will start clanging the cow bell once they start winning in the playoffs. Yes, I was screaming “MALIK MONK” during that year’s playoffs. Anyways, Saboner sucks and that one year he made Kevon Looney look what I imagine Moses Malone to have been. Saboner misses shots, is slow, doesn’t block shots or get steals, and gets max money. He’s perfect for Sacramento. Someone who puts up meaningless numbers that will allow suckers to get their hopes up before the real season starts and reality comes back. I hate Saboner. He has everyone in Sacramento experiencing Stockholm Syndrome.
Kindergartner: Davion Mitchell. He’s very small. But he’s kinda great now that he escaped Sacramento and found an honest shot at developing.
Hurt Locker: Kevin Huerter. Not in the playoffs but this is a fun name. I haven’t seen this movie in a long time but I think it’s good. Kevin Huerter is not good. He missed every shot against the Warriors in that year’s playoffs. Another shitty player for Sacramento.
Black Falcon: Harrison Barnes. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. It also makes me laugh because this dude is culturally caucasian.
Queens: The Sacramento professional basketball team. The biggest clown show in the league. Don’t get me wrong, if they’re competitive in a playoff series, I won’t stop wearing the aforementioned purple basketball shorts with the early-2000s Kings chevron on them, but no one in this world hates this team as much as I do. They always choose bad players instead of good ones which I don’t appreciate. Their owner is a clown who coaches girls' basketball with too much enthusiasm. In the .5% of futures where I have a daughter who likes playing basketball and I’m forced to “coach” them, I would constantly play mind games with them and try to get them to quit because if they keep playing basketball, they’re going to tear their ACLs and no one wants that.
“Hey Sally, you look tired. Want to quit the team?”
“No coach! I’ll keep running!”
“Sally, I think you should quit. I’ve been watching you run, and it’s only a matter of time before you rupture your Achilles. Your knees knock against each other when you try to run fast. It’s for the best that you start swimming. Or tennis. Maybe water polo. Really anything but basketball.”
“No, coach! I’m not a quitter!”
“Jesus Christ. Alright, girls. Hear that? Sally isn’t a quitter. Everyone, get on the line.”
(On my team, we run until someone throws up. It’s usually Sally, my daughter’s best friend. My daughter is one of those girls who has one much uglier friend who she keeps around as a humanoid emotional support device. Sally has a bunch of polaroids of my daughter in her room. ‘We’ includes me. I’m not letting an opportunity to get some intense sprinting slip through my forty-year-old fingers. For every sprint that the girls do, I do two. And I still beat them. Because I’ll die before I let some high school girls beat me in a physical test.)
The girls would form a bizarre appreciation for my naked dismissal of the women’s game and my callousness at their earnest effort to improve themselves. They would convince themselves that there is a little part of me that could grow to enjoy “coaching” a bunch of newborn giraffes to make a wide-open layup but I wouldn’t change. The whole season I would take a perverse pleasure in making the players cry (even my own daughter) and all their misplaced determination to win me over would be for nothing. Sure, they’d get a lot better but I’d still be an unrepentant asshole to the whole lot of them. The only reason that no one would replace me is because every other Dad would make up some kind of excuse to not be around the daughter they never wanted, and all the moms are too caught up in how big and strong I look in a polo shirt while I “coach” the games. When I say “coach”, all that means is call some timeouts and make sure that the premade substitution schedule is adhered to. Screaming and wild pointing are two things that the horny mothers would never see me doing. They think that I’m “calm and collected”, but really I just don’t give a shit about a stupid girls basketball game. I just think it’s better that my daughter comes home physically exhausted and too tired to bother me.
What does this have to do with the Queens owner? Well, he coached his daughter, and safe to say, he pumped all of the players’ minds with ridiculous ideas of importance. Like what he was doing with ten-year-old girls was serious enough to make him a credible professional basketball person. The Queens owner and I would go about coaching ten-year-old girls very differently, and I think that that’s why the Queens owner does so much retarded mess. I would be an amazing owner of a professional basketball team and I think that granting interviews about what an amazing women’s basketball coach you are is something that only a basketball-retard would do. A basketball-retard like the Queens owner. Coaching women's basketball is a quiet shame. A burden that you don’t talk about with other people, let alone journalists.
So now the Queens have to deal with an owner who green-lights picking Marvin Fagley over Lord Luka, banishing Isaiah Thomas, signing Saboner to a max contract, and many, many other dumbass things. Screw this team. I hate them.
Fucks: Milwaukee Bucks. Not in the playoffs!!! Shitheads. Retards. Dumbasses. Faggots. Pussies. They always screw me when the playoffs happen and I pick them to cover the spread.
Frida Kahlo: Anthony Davis. Not in the playoffs but this nickname is too lit. Physical resemblance. That’s all.
Basketball Jesus: Steph Curry. Game 4 of the 2022 Finals in Boston.
Handsome Squidward: Klay Thompson. Not in the playoffs! I didn’t come up with this but I adopted it.
Money Green: Draymond Green. At the beginning of his career, when he was good at offense, he made shirts that said “Money Green” on them. I still have mine but I don’t wear it. They were great shirts. “Money Green” is a dumb, fun thing to say.
Our Congolese Prince: Jonathan Kuminga. He’s from the Congo, and I thought he would be really good but now he’s missing too many shots, missing too many free throws, not getting enough steals or blocks, and just generally not delivering on the talent that I thought he could become. Does he get assists? Lol.
Maple Jordan: Andrew Wiggins. Not in the playoffs but too good of a nickname. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. Now it’s a nickname that’s used sarcastically because he’s mentally weak and ready to quit on life at the slightest nudge.
Looney Tunes: Kevon Looney. Not in the playoffs. In the 2023 (and 2022) playoffs, he played like what I imagine Moses Malone would have played like. Incredible.
Terminator: Lauri Markkanen. He’s never in the playoffs. Lauri looks like someone who could play the Terminator in those ‘80s movies so this is his nickname.
Nigerian Chubacabra: Bam Adebayo. Every year I fade the Heat and avoid watching their games but they always advance and watching them becomes unavoidable. Anyways, there was this Scooby-Doo hourlong special a long time ago that centered around the gang finding a Chubacabra. That’s embedded in my brain. Bam Adebayo looks like a monster and he’s Nigerian so his nickname is Nigerian Chupacabra. Hopefully, that logic is not too hard to follow.
Gandalf the White: Caleb Martin. He’s not in the playoffs but Jimmy Butler blessed him that one time and he was too incredible to ever be left off of this. Making all those threes over Giannis Freakin’ Antetokounmpo. Then outplaying Jayson Tatum in the Leastern Conference Finals. So Giannis is the Balrog that Caleb Martin fell into a volcano with and emerged victorious. Making those threes over Giannis and making the gang signs that Caleb Martin was making last year is a perfect equivalent to fighting a mythical fire giant for ten days. In case it’s not clear, we love The Lord Of The Rings and believe it’s a miracle that three-hour movies can be as captivating as those three movies were. Also, shout out to Viggo Mortensen for being one of the three people who I remember my mom crushing on during my childhood. The other two? Ray “Cutey Patootie” Allen and Javier Bardem.
Ebola Embiid: Joel Embiid. Every postseason, Joel looks at his comprehensive list of known maladies, injuries and ailments, and picks a new one to have. When the playoffs start, Ebola Embiid gets winded six minutes into every game. We can tell because his ass doesn’t get low. In games that matter, we watch Ebola Embiid’s ass-level and that’s how we tell if he’s gassed or about to get gassed.
Every year, Joel Embiid gets Ebola and can’t advance past the semifinals. In ninth grade, my Biology teacher taught us about Ebola in between reminding us that she went to Stanford and waxed John Elway’s pole. Shout out Ms. Whitford! Tuggin major penis! So yeah, Ebola is constantly on my mind. And my ninth-grade biology teacher being twenty, down on all fours, closing her eyes, and issuing a performative blowjob on “John Elway”.
Joel Embiid and Ebola are both from Africa.
Sam: Darius Garland. Samwise Gamgee. More LOTR! This little munchkin was impotent against the Knicks that one year so his nickname is from the feckless hobbit.
Frodo: Donovan Mitchell. Frodo Baggins. Another hobbit who was helpless against the Knicks that one year. Mitchell always gets embarrassed in the playoffs. Something about how he walks around and puts his hands on his hips makes me believe that he’s a real douchebag.
King Theoden: Evan Mobley. I was drinking the Kool-Aid when he was at USC. I thought that Evan was going to save American Basketball and continue the legacy of LA Professional Basketballers. King Theoden is the King of Rohan who is poisoned by Saruman’s spy Wormtongue. Once Wormtongue is banished, King Theoden can ascend to his rightful place as a worthy leader of Rohan… but Dan Gilbert doesn’t have the balls to trade Jarrett Allen. I’m losing faith in Evan Mobley and I’m quite disappointed.
Wormtongue: Jarrett Allen. The Cavs only have nicknames from LOTR. Wormtongue is ruining Evan Mobley and got anally penetrated by Mitchell Robinson last year. Wormtongue was running across the court like a prison-bitch against the Knicks that one year.
My step-son: Mitchell Robinson. I “love” Mitchell. At least enough to take him out to Popeyes after his basketball games, but I don’t love him enough to spend countless hours fixing his free-throw form. His mother isn’t wise to that. She just sees me periodically attending Mitchell’s games and always paying for the team’s post-game Popeyes (Mitchell’s favorite). That’s enough to convince her that I really love Mitchell like a son. I do. I “love” Mitchell. I “love” that he blocks lots of shots and gets a fuck-ton of rebounds. But I don’t really love Mitchell. I wouldn’t die for Mitchell. I’d just cut a check for him. I won’t spend the time to fix his shot, I won’t have difficult but necessary conversations with Mitchell. I’m just there to have a good time with Mitchell (and his mother) and let her do the hard work of parenting a child. Hey, asking for more than that is unreasonable and even if you told Mitchell’s mother about how I could be giving more to Mitchell, she understands that I already do way more than what’s truly necessary to adequately support Mitchell (and keep us fucking).
My Ghetto Lovechild: Robert Williams III. Now this is someone whom I would die for. I fucking love Robert. I’ve taught Robert how to make a respectable amount of free throws, and I’ve even taught him how to pass the basketball in a smart way that keeps the offensive engine running. And since I’ve loved Robert all his life, I’ve continued working with him on his corner three. Now Robert shoots and makes those shots!
I’ve loved Robert ever since he did that windmill dunk in the NCAA tournament with Texas A&M. It hurts when Robert has to sit out but he’s a part of this year’s playoffs. There will never be a Nickname Glossary that doesn’t include My Ghetto Lovechild as a part of it. It fills my heart with joy that Brad Stevens gave My Ghetto Lovechild a guaranteed contract that ensured that My Ghetto Lovechild would have generational wealth.
My Son: Bogdan Bogdanovic. In the .8% of futures where I have a son who likes basketball, I’d imagine that he would play like Bogdan. Great shooter, passer, and dribbler. Huge. Long arms. An absolute killer who has no issue with taking and making the shot that decides the game. My Son shows that killer in him when he plays for Serbija. Yes, 60% of the .00004% of the world’s women who find me attractive are from Serbija or that general area. Did the Queens have My Son on their team and let him sign elsewhere? Absolutely. The Queens are a clown show basketball organization. I’m telling you this because it’s true.
Crazy Eyes: Bobby Portis. Look at him.
Alien Eyes: Derrick White. Look at him.
Bug Eyes: Jrue Holiday. Yes, he’s a “really nice guy”, but he’s a big reason why the Fucks always screw up my endorsements of them in the playoffs. He misses wide-open shots. So many shots that I have no qualms about saying this nickname with a certain amount of disdain. LA Professional Basketballer! Unlike Little Game James, Bug Eyes is not an embarrassment to the Holy Land.
Tin Man: Jaylen Brown. We loathe Jaylen Brown. Deep in the archives, I wrote a letter to the Tin Man and detailed what a fuckhead he is so I’m not going to get too deep into it here. Suffice it to say that it’s very easy for the Instagram who fuck Jaylen to understand that they can call him “smart” and that will compel Jaylen to give them another Mercedes-Benz on their birthday. I’ll just say that I can’t wait for Brad Stevens to trade his bitch-ass to Utah. Oh yeah, the explanation for the name! Jaylen Brown’s hips and joints are in desperate need of lubricant. Just like the Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz. I’m sure you’re wondering, and the answer is no. Jaylen has never attended Mat Pilates In The Park with Antonio Brown and me. He’s too busy marching for “civil liberty” or whatever boring cause he’s bitching about.
P Rabbit: Payton Pritchard. I didn’t come up with this but I endorse it so it gets included on this list. This is from the 8 Mile movie which my Dad took me to when it was released in theaters. I guess that movie was released in 2002, so I was eight years old. Shout out to my Dad.
Pygmy Hippo: Grant Williams. Listen, I harbor a certain amount of disdain for Grant because he screwed Lord Luka that one year, but with the Celtics, he was really good in the playoffs. You could legitimately say that he was a Durant Stopper. Against the Fucks, he didn’t just take it in the ass from Giannis. He fought back. And that year against Jimmy, I respected Grant for what he did with Jimmy Butler. Unlike Jayson Tatum, Grant didn’t silently bear that black snake that Jimmy Butler unapologetically inserted into the Celtics’ rectum. Grant at least made an effort to avoid the unavoidable Jimmy anal penetration. We say “Pygmy Hippo” with a certain joy because it’s tough to think of a cooler illegal pet than a Pygmy Hippopotamus. I mean, I guess if you could guarantee that a Black Leopard wouldn’t end your life that would be cooler, but there would always be a part of your brain that was weary of a goddamn leopard stalking the yard. Maybe a Red Panda? Idk, Pygmy Hippos are pretty rad. Red Pandas would leave hair everywhere. I guess they would have to be outside most of the time which is something that all pets should be, anyway. What about a cheetah?!
Pizza Guy: Isaiah Thomas. He’s retired but I love that guy. When he was the Queens’ best player, he did a bunch of commercials because he was the last pick in the draft. One of them was for a local pizza chain called “The Pizza Guys”. I’ve never been there but it's funny to me that a legitimate all-star like Isaiah Thomas was doing commercials for a local Sacramento pizzeria.
Canary Kerr: Steve Kerr. We say this with derision. We don’t like Canary Kerr. You just have to not be a retard like Marc Jackson to captain those Warriors teams. Canary Kerr stays fucking up younger players (like Our Congolese Prince). Never trust a White who does that mess with the front of their hair like Canary Kerr. I can think of three adult Whites who do that mess with the front of their hair and all three of them are joyless people who the world is better without. In fifth grade, there was a kid who did that mess with the front of his hair. He played basketball and one time he got upset with me and threw a basketball as hard as he could at me. Later, he apologized and said some dogshit about how his dad gets angry with him at home, or whatever. You know how that goes. People get roid-rage and then blame it on their parents. I’m sure his wife and children are having a grand old time dealing with that now. Surely he has “fixed” those uncontrollable outbursts. LMAO, of course, he hasn’t. I don’t know that for sure but I would be shocked if his wife wasn’t one of those women who stuck around out of fear. Like separating would be too difficult. Getting a job would be too much. Better to just grin and bear the roid-rage and maintain the status quo. Shout out to Nicholas Lampl. Google told me that he’s a physical therapist. Perfect cover job for a domestic abuser. Moral of the story is never trust a White who does that mess with the front part of their hair.
Reptile Marc: Marc Cuban. This guy is a real douchebag. A huckster. I heard him talk a long time ago and what I remember is that he sounded like someone who researched what kind of curse words are hot on the streets and practiced using them to sound like a proper Everyman. Reptile Marc has had way too much plastic surgery. There’s a reason why everything around Lord Luka in Dallas is a tire fire. It’s because Reptile Marc is a shameful huckster who is incompetent. Put him on the list of owners who I would be light years ahead of.
We didn’t know that Reptile Marc would sell his “beloved” team to the people who are paying hundreds of millions of dollars towards Trump’s presidential campaign so that when the time was right, America could be talked into going to war with Iran for Israel. Reptile Marc is a buffoon and if you don’t understand that with every fiber of your being, you’re a part of the problem with America. It’s ok. Most people are a part of the problem. But since you’re reading this, you are the enlightenment.
Penis Head Silver: Adam Silver. We say this nickname with odious murth. I’ve been trying to think why I loathe this man, and I think it’s mostly because we lived through the pandemic together and I saw how he used the CoCo as an excuse to shut down the NBA and hide behind “flattening the curve”, “listening to the science”, and all the other nonsense words that most people in charge of things were saying. Dana White and Roger Goodell, Adam Silver was not. If I was Jewish I would really hate this guy. I’d wish death to his entire family and not just him because of what an embarrassment Adam is to the Jewish race. This nickname centers around Adam's resemblance to a penis when he wears a suit (which is always). One thing I will be remiss to omit is that this dude talks with his hands way too much for my liking. It’s just how I was raised. Like how the Mexicans in Compton are raised to always have a blood feud with blacks. Penis Head Silver does that thing where he extends his hands out from his chest, palms facing him. He probably read in a book that you make that body signal when you’re trying to build consensus. Screw him. In my book, leaders aren’t consensus builders. Women are consensus builders, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Leaders are people who get things done. Who try stuff. Not people who hide behind Covid phrases in an effort to seem smart or “in accordance with science”. Oh and when they show Penis Head Silver on the broadcast, he’s always rapt in discussion with some Big Business Dude and couldn’t give less of a fuck about the game in front of him. That’s why I think he doesn’t like the game that he’s in charge of. Screw this dude. Oh yeah, don’t forget that he majored in “Political Science”. Literally, everyone that does that is an insufferable douchebag.
My Basketball Twin Flame: Brad Stevens. Basketball Savant. I’ve been accused of looking like this guy, and I welcome it. This guy seems smart. He left a plush coaching job so that Ime Udoka could lead the huddle in between fucking the hot office workers. That’s something that I would do. I would have the sense to quit when it was time and leave the coaching gig to someone who was extremely competent, sexual proclivities be damned. What Brad and I care about is winning. Above all else, we want to win. We don’t give two fucks about the faceless office lady who gets herself involved with the talented coach who we leave the throne to. Who she has sex with is her business and the consequences of that are hers. We bear zero responsibility for the consensual inter-organization affair that the new coach has. Ime isn’t afraid to call out Jayson Tatum for being a soft little bitch and that’s what Brad and I care about. Playing good basketball. We couldn’t give less of a fuck about “public shame”.
If you’re still reading, I’m sure you are wondering who are the other people that I get accused of having a resemblance to. Those people would be: Daniel Tosh (uhh ok, sure), Lonzo Ball with better skin (LOL), Jesse Eisenberg (don’t let me get in a position to hurt you because I will), and Michael Porter Jr (I swear, I don’t believe this person has credibility but they said it. Boy Toy is much hotter than me).
Retarded Rabbits: The Pacers team. I watched Tyrese Haliburton make decisions on defense that made me think he has problems thinking. Like he’s a retarded rabbit.
Hazel: Tyrese Haliburton. The best book with rabbits is called Watership Down and the leader of their warren is Hazel. Tyrese Haliburton is the leader of the Retarded Rabbits. See the connection?
Bigwig: The big protector of the Retarded Rabbits. But he’s not on the team anymore haha! Oh well. We’ll always have 2025.
General Woundwort: Jalen Brunson. The chief of the enemies to Hazel and Hazel’s warren. Serious bada$$.
FYPOTP: Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs. Every year I make this pick against the spread ONCE. It has to happen after the first round. When my mind has turned to mush and I see a spread that makes me say, “Fuck You”. Two years ago, it was the first game after Ja Morant injured his knee against the Warriors and Tyus Jones started. The Grizzlies covered that game. 2 years ago, it was the Heat to cover in game 7 versus the Celtics as a ~7.5 road underdog. I think the Heat won by twenty points. One year it was the Nuggets to cover either game 6 or 7 against the Wolves. So that one lost. Last year I lost it but I can’t remember what it was. Fuck off. A storied tradition, the FYPOTP is.
CW: Competent White. I made this after watching Cody Zeller slide his feet on defense and Duncan Robinson make shots for the Miami Heat when they went to the Finals against the Nuggets. Tyler Herro is not on this list.
POG: Prophet Of God. That’s me if I start getting a good against-the-spread record.
GMR: Grown Man Rebounds. Defensive rebounds when there are a bunch of people around.
CAVS 🤺(-8.5) over Raptors 🦖
- We don’t like either of these teams. Raptors don’t have anyone to punk Wormtongue. Little Game James usually plays well in the beginning. Whatever. When you don’t know, take the favorite in the beginning.
NUGGETS ⛏️(-6.5) over Timberwolves 🐺
- We’re obviously watching this game. We’re ready to watch the Nuggets wake up and crack some goddamn melons. Timberwolves are not entering the playoffs healthy.
KNICKS 👖(-5.5) over Hawks 🦅
- Yes, we know the Knicks like to piss away home games. Yes, the Hawks are a fun, sexy team who our Esteemed Editor said were his “upset pick” in the first-round. Fuck our Esteemed Editor. We have no friends in picks. It’s only us and God right now. Knicks have a serious rebounding advantage against the Hawks and we can’t pick the Hawks until they show us that they won’t make us moan like a wounded animal because they’re refusing to get defensive rebounds.
Rockets 🚀 (-5.5) over LAKERS ⭐
- Lmao, the Lakers without Reaves and Lord Luka are major ass. We are not picking the Lakers to cover any game without those two.
