Record: 3-1
Brendan looked at the card. He kept his eyes on it when he said, “I loved her so much. I … I ain’t ever going to feel that again. I mean, it don’t happen twice, right?” He looked up at Whitey and Sean. His eyes were dry, but the pain in them was something Sean wanted to duck from.
“It don’t happen once, most cases,” Whitey said.
“Brucey, I need to tell you something. Something I don’t have to think about because I believe in it with everything in my being.”
“What is it, Mr. Carson? You can tell me.”
“You know me, Brucey. You know what I’m about. You know that I applauded you for showing the world what a little pussy bitch D’Angelo Russell is in that conference finals. You know that I am your biggest advocate in the media. Everyone has forgotten about you. They said that you were washed up. That you took the money and stopped being the same Brucey who I know and love. Fuck those faggots. Brucey, what you’re cooking up with the Dark Lord is something that may never happen again and I’m just so thankful that you’re back to being a Death Eater.”
“I appreciate you Mr. Carson.”
“Hold on, Brucey, I’m not done. I need to say everything. You give the Nuggets something they need. You give the Nuggets dick. My Mexican dad would say, “tú das el Nuggets huevos”. And the Nuggets need that. Huevos are something that Limp Dick has never been about. Bless Limp Dick. Brucey, I can’t even fucking remember who the Death Eaters were after you and Our Favorite Black Realtor secured your DESERVED paydays. But let me tell you this, they weren’t shit. The Nuggets need you. They need you to go on rack attacks with violent intentions. They need you to get and1’s and scream. They need your dick and balls. Brucey! I’m so happy you’re back! Thank you!”
“I got you, Mr. C!”
Fuck yeah! Let’s fucking go! Nuggets are back! We can watch the Dark Lord and not be disgusted that Boy Toy, Reggie Jackson, and Westbroke are the fifth men on the Nuggets! Yeah, they don’t have Our Favorite Black Realtor, and that’s a real shame, but Brucey is back! And we’re going to start this blessed time giving thanks for motherfucking Brucey!
What does dick look like on a basketball court? You should be asking yourself that. That would be a great thought swimming around in your brainwashed head. Well let me tell you what dick looks like on a basketball court!
And1’s, rebound in a crowd of giants, made free throws, steals, and blocks. A less quantifiable sign of dick on a basketball court is gathering the ball, taking steps towards the rim, and moving defenders backwards. Sometimes, you don’t even have to make the layup. Sometimes a message needs to be sent personally. Right outside your front door. And that message is, “Hey, you have this big house and you’ve lived here for decades. But I’m here right now and I’m not going to leave unless you kill me and drag my lifeless body through the forest.”
We do not really know who “Lana Rhoades” is but the Google machine says she’s a sex worker and that she personally shouted out Brucey for being a goddamn man. Listen, guys, I know I’m unlikable. I accept that. And really, I don’t like you. Probably. But when I fucking tell you who fucks good based on how they play basketball, you need to shut the fuck up and say, “Mr. Carson, you’re brilliant, you’re hilarious, you’re courageous. You’re probably right so I’m going to have sex with that man.” You’re welcome.
Let’s break down some goddamn basketball! Brucey had that and1 after the offensive rebound right in front of French Rejection and screamed like he was Odysseus and he finally sailed back to Greece. Brucey is where he’s supposed to be. Fuck the Kroenkes and all these NBA oligarchs. The players need more money. But we need to pray that Brucey stays with Lord Voldemort in Denver. So yeah, Brucey had that and1 and screamed. He also had his fifth steal that the Dark Lord passed back to him for a runaway dunk before another primal scream to the crowd. I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I play basketball, and I get excited, I scream. In moments where the game is competitive and is now starting to be decided because of really great plays that I make. Brucey is like that. He screams like a Comanche warrior who is starting to feel the unease of the white man because he’s leaving too many severed heads outside his tent. Fuck yeah.
Last note on Brucey. He had a good block on Anthony Edwards (hold on) but Anthony Edwards got upset so the dipshit refs awarded a bank bailout because Anthony Edwards is too big to fail. That was clean. Brucey got cheated out of a block. What did I say about the signs that a basketball player fucks good? Blocks and steals.
We’re beyond ecstatic that the Nuggets are back but we’re going to take a slight detour and talk about Cam Johnson. Now, if you’re like me, the only thing you know about Cam Johnson is that he was excellent on the Phoenix Suns in their Finals run. Cam dunked PJ Tucker out of the league. Cam put up incredible stats on the Brooklyn Nets. That’s it. So what did Cam show us in Game 1?! After a preseason that featured him put up hot dogshit stats while I ceaselessly campaigned to the Esteemed Editor to talk John’s Roommate into trading us Cam Johnson in fantasy basketball? Well, Cam Johnson airballed a wide-open three and made me say “Fuck you Cam” while watching the game. Muted broadcast. Classical California Movie Music Playlist blasting on a Bose. You know how we do. But yeah, Cam Johnson was fucking terrible in a way that made me say “Fuck you” to a computer. Cam Johnson has bad hands. That’s something that REALLY pisses me off. Catch the fucking ball. His passes are off-target. One of his turnovers was him swinging the ball around the three-point line to Brucey and the pass was so off that Brucey couldn’t touch it. That’s an easy swing pass that Cam Johnson is missing for a turnover. You can’t have that shit. What else does Cam fuck up? He is incapable of attempting a shot inside the three-point line without falling down because he’s so out of control. PJ Tucker is watching this shit in his empty shoe store in Miami and being like, “Yeah I told y’all niggas. Cam ain’t shit. That dunk on me was an out-of-body experience. God works in mysterious ways with that shit.” Yeah Pops Junior, Cam Johnson is a little pussy. You watch Cam Johnson play right now and you want to ask him if he’s ok in the tone that you would ask an eleven-year-old boy who just got picked up in a white van and went missing for four days. Yeah, it’s like that. 2 for 7 from three. That’s bad. But don’t forget that these attempts are usually wide-open kickouts from the Dark Lord. Absolutely no other stats besides shooting the ball. Cam Johnson does not fuck good. And he got shitty with a dipshit ref for not giving him a foul call on an out-of-control fastbreak layup attempt?! Nah, fuck Cam Johnson.
Let’s get to another awful Nugget. Jonas Valanciunas. That nigga was playing like someone who wanted to play in Greece, but Josh Kroenke was like, “No I’m an American Oligarch and you’re going to do what I say”. Jonas wasn’t getting rebounds. It says “3 rebounds” but we’re dismissing that. Every loose ball that ends up in Jonas’ hands feels like a miracle. He’s like a tree out on that court. On the one rebound that Jonas got that was a good rebound, he immediately set an illegal screen on Donte DiVincenzo (hold on!). It was a good call. Jonas took too long to get into screening position. Can Jonas play basketball like he wants to play? Instead of emigrating out of corrupted America? This is the playoffs, Jonas!!! Oh, and regarding defense… lmao. Jonas is giving up open shots. If the Wolves have half a brain (debatable), they would ruthlessly target Jonas for every second that he was on the court.
OK so besides those two, the Nuggets were who we thought they were! Oh, besides Lord Voldemort’s “rim protection”. Allowing French Rejection to score 20 points can’t be allowed. It was the Dark Lord’s fault. That was some truly apathetic defensive effort. Especially in the first half. Now, Lord Voldemort is never a reason for losing but his first half felt strange. Almost like he was saying, “Hey guys, we’re going to see how Cam Johnson does. I’m letting him get off in the first half and if he doesn’t, I’m never going to forget it.” Lord Voldemort trusts Tim Hardaway way more than Cam Johnson. Rightfully so.Tim Hardaway has some kind of Finals record for threes due to a garbage time fourth quarter against the Celtics from when he was with Lord Luka.
The Dark Lord had one of his scoring binges based on thirteen-foot runners. He’s the only person in the history of basketball to go on those binges. That was during the second half. Not the first half when the Dark Lord was passing too much, giving too much space to Wolves coming off of French Rejection screens, and not protecting the rim. It looked like the Dark Lord had some serious allergies pop up during the first half. There was something stuffed up his nose and then taken out after 3 seconds. Bizarre stuff.
When the second half came around, Lord Voldemort was making his wide-open threes that the Wolves dared him to make. Lord Voldemort better pop off for 50 during this series. He’s absolutely unguardable when he dribbles towards the rim. Those shots where he takes two steps that lead to a shot below the foul line are not blockable and he knows that he’s taking them before he gathers. Lord Voldemort is fucking ridiculous. In a game where he had bad turnovers that led to Wolves’ breakaway dunks, too many missed wide-open threes, and baffling passivity, the Dark Lord dominated the game and the Nuggets covered. We’re watching every Nuggets game.
Yes, Limp Dick was sensational. There is this headline on CTESPN about how the Wolves are upset that Limp Dick shot so many free throws. He deserved them. The Wolves fouled a lot. During the first half, the dipshit refs allowed the Wolves to have a lot of uncalled fouls. And what did they do with that? Mentally collapse and laugh on the bench at the end of the game. Wolves aren’t covering themselves in glory right now.
But Limp Dick. He was awesome in the second half. During the first half he was guarding Anthony Edwards very well. There was one possession where Edwards was trying to blow by Limp Dick but Limpy stayed in front and forced a fadeaway three. It went in but it was excellent defense.
Limp Dick is moving with zest. He’s “getting zesty with it”. Particularly on that one layup. He made that layup and then induced Anthony Edwards into an offensive foul! Guys, Limp Dick was just as good as He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named! It’s crazy but it’s kinda true! I can’t believe it! We’re holding our breath that Limp Dick doesn’t get injured because he likes to do that, but if Limp Dick keeps moving zesty like this, we’re going to have a good playoffs.
When the Nuggets got lost on offense, the plan was to let Limp Dick shoot a midrange shot, and by gosh, by golly, Limp Dick made them.
Nagini. Nagini is obviously a direct progeny of God. He is enlightened. He is the light. Now, Nagini missed a bunch of threes and the two free throws me missed felt like 4, but Nagini knows what time it is. It’s time to crack open some fucking melons and get nasty. Nuggets’ game plan to start these games is to get Anthony Edwards switched onto Nagini before a post-entry pass to Nagini that precedes Nagini MASHING Anthony Edwards on his way towards the rim. Nagini get the ball around the basket and he knows it’s time to fuck. We love that about Nagini. He’s a goddamn man. Right now, Lord Voldemort is using Nagini like a hammer. Maybe Nagini will be a poison dart tomorrow but at this particular moment in time, Nagini is a sludgehammer cracking open Anthony Edwards’ skull to reveal the three dimples.
That offensive foul that the dipshit refs called on Nagini had to be called. Sorry, Dave Adelman. Nagini raised his elbows. Gotta call that. Dave got real shitty after that call in a way that made us concerned that Dave wasn’t comfortable with Denver’s standing in the game. Worry not, Rick Adelman’s kid. Wolves ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.
That’s enough Nuggets. Spencer Jones’ shot makes me throw up a little and the foul call he got on Jaden McDaniels was dogshit. The dipshit refs had a bad game. Not calling enough fouls in the first half and then calling bad fouls in the second half. Yeah, Jaden McDaniels lost his shit on that technical, but he had a point. The refs sucked. Sorry, Zac Zarba!
But yeah, Mike Conley gets targeted whenever he’s on the court. The Nuggets are a good post-entry pass team. Lord Voldemort insists that that be the case. So the Nuggets calmly induce old Mike Conley to be switched onto whomever the Nuggets want before a post-possession that features the Nuggets trying to bury old Mike in his grave. Great game plan, but old Mike was somehow surviving on defense. We don’t think that will last.
Guess what guys?!? Remember when Julius Randle wasn’t shit in the playoffs?! When he was on the Knicks?! Well he’s back at it! The past 2 Bestern Conference Finals runs were all against severely compromised teams. None of thes No-Dick NBA Writers point that out! Good thing I have a dick! Julius Randle has all these incredible black muscles but he falls away on these little pussy midrange attempts. Nagini shows Julius Randle how to be a man but Julius sticks to his bitch ways. You know what else Julius Randle does? Actually, it’s what he doesn’t do, and that’s box out for rebounds. Julius Randle is not going to box out Lord Voldemort. He’s not even going to try that. Julius Randle is not a diligent rebounder.
So Julius was taking bad shot attempts, missing them, not getting defensive rebounds, and then he was committing inbounds fouls before the ball was inbounded! Oh, and a double-tech too. Julius Randle was crashing out in the way that Knicks fans know he does!
Who else crashed out on the Wolves? You know it. Jaden McDaniels! Great acting job by the Dark Lord on the technical foul but Jaden absolutely two-hand pushed Lord Voldemort for no reason. You know the Wolves are about to get punked when Jaden starts getting technicals.
The Wolves' offense never feels like it follows a plan. Shout out Anthony Edwards. But really, the Wolves were making their threes and getting points off of turnovers in the first half. In the third quarter, the Nuggets were missing open threes, but watching the game, you felt like the Nuggets were about to have a cum shot. They did.
Somehow, French Rejection was “mogging” Lord Voldemort. Yes, I’m watching twenty-year-olds ’ YouTube streams. Fuck you. I’m the one who gets paid a full day’s salary for thirty minutes of labor. I deserve that! I’m not going to just sit on my ass. I’m going to master a foreign language and I’m going to watch Shneako teach me new English words. But yeah, French Rejection was mogging the Dark Lord. Crazy, but that’s what was happening! But Nagini was turning right around and mogging Julius Randle. Fuck I’m smart.
The best Wolves’ offense was Donte Divincenzo coming off of a French Rejection screen. Lord Voldemort refuses to come up defending screens so that always led to an open Donte Divincenzo three. DD was making those. Was Donte DiVincenzo really not on the All-Whites Starting 5?!?! Guess not! Shout out to P Rabbit, Alex Caruso, and Austin Reaves! Was Christian Brawny on that team? Christian Brawny was fine. He wasn’t getting steals but he was making enough shots and not getting targeted on defense. Shoutout to that look on Brawny that says to the world, “Look at me, I smoke biker’s crank”.
Donte DiVincenzo was excellent and if the Wolves had any offensive intelligence, they would keep running French Rejection screens for DD. The Wolves don’t have that though. Shout out Anthony Edwards.
That’s part of the Anthony Edwards’ experience. Zero offensive gameplanning. Just go out there and do you. It’s what’s wrong with American Largesse. It’s why America is a decaying empire that the tech oligarchs are extracting away every last resource while Trump destroys all semblance of government regulation. And what are you going to do about it?! Vote wealth taxes into existence?! No you’re not. Because you’re American and you’re fucking retarded. Fuck America. Fuck Anthony Edwards. Yeah, yeah. Anthony Edwards didn’t ask to be the symbol of the dying American Empire. Well too fucking bad. We’re here, and he is. So suck a dick.
It’s baffling how Anthony Edwards is laughing the way he is on the bench at the end of the fourth quarter after the Wolves ogt punked. Anthony Edwards is playing injured. We need to mention that. The broadcast shows Anthony grimace and touch his knee after getting defensive rebounds. You also see Anthony Edwards not dunk the basketball. Or blow by fucking Limp Dick guarding him out on an island. Anthony Edwards is not right. I fucking told y’all niggas this before game 1. Did you listen to me? Did you fucking listen to Mr. Carson?! Of course you didn’t. And that’s to your detriment. Because I’m the fucking Prophet Of God. I’m the fucking POG, nigga! Yeah that’s right! I fucking said it. What are you going to do about it?! How about you read the free stuff that I write? Just do that little bit! All right, there’s probably stuff that I forgot to mention but we’re fucking done here. Over 3,000 words in this bitch. I’m the best.
Sixers 🔔 (+12.5) over CELTICS 🍀
- Yeah, I know it’s dumb to take big underdogs in the first round. I know that I’m coming off a 3-1 high and I can’t handle that. I just don’t believe in this Celtics team. I don’t believe in their talent. Is Alien Eyes going to start making shots because it’s the playoffs? Tyrese Maxey is the best player in this series. Not the Tin Man. Yeah I said it! Maybe Podcast P can not be a jackass. Tatum’s leg is still smaller.
THUNDER ⛈️ (-14.5) over Suns ☀️
- We’re taking the Thunder to cover every game of this series.
PISTONS 🚗 (-8.5) over Magic 🪄
- I’m not watching this series. I think the Pistons are in a different fucking universe than the Hornets and switching opponent quality like that is jarring.
SPURS 🤠 (-11.5) over Blazers 🌲
- I’m watching this game. Guys, the Spurs are fucking incredible. Wembanyama is here. Don’t run from it.
