Record: 5-3
“That's the important thing. It's called fight, fight, fight, and then we shall win, win, win with God's help.”
Does Deni Avdija scream “Hezbollah!” in that throaty, fat mouth tone that Netanyahu talks before these drives to the rim where he either shoulder checks or off-arm shoves opponents into the ground? Because that’s what we like to imagine him doing while watching a muted broadcast. Do Mike Tirico or Reggie Miller bring up “cease-fires”, or “Greater Israel” on the broadcast? Has Mike Tirico ever done any kind of hosting for a Miriam Adelson-led lavish AIPAC private dinner to raise money for Trump? These are the things that Deni Avdija makes us wonder. Seriously, something is up with Deni Avdija. He’s fucking incredible.
If you have a brain and you refuse to watch the preseason because you don’t like it when the NBA Owner Oligarchs piss on your face and tell you that you like it, you have never seen Deni Avdija play. You’ve only heard the whispers. Seen the stats. Well, let me tell you. Deni Avdija is a different version of Lord Luka. A SLIGHTLY worse version, but still a version. It’s unbelievable but it’s true. OK, fine. Maybe “slightly” is not the right word. Maybe I’m getting carried away with my disappointment at Lord Luka for getting injured before the playoffs. OK, Deni is worse but he resembles the effect that Lord Luka has on a basketball court. Deni is much more athletic and defensively viable. Deni does not have the “pack things up and quit” ethos that Lord Luka has when he feels like going 7-22 and losing by 30. Deni is a fucking warrior. Clearly, he was raised in Tel-Aviv to bring nuclear destruction to all who oppose the Greater Israel Project. Deni was created in the most technologically advanced laboratory that Judaism owns and operates. Shalom!
We’re going to bypass the holy miracle that allowed the Trail Blazers to acquire Deni Avdija from Basketball Siberia in a similar way that the Celtics acquired Isaiah “Pizza Guy” Thomas from Basketball Siberia, and just ask, “Who the frick does Deni Avdija have on this shitbird Trail Blazers team?”
Because it sure as shit isn’t Austin Reaves, Luke Kennard, and 41-year-old LeBron Blames! Deni doesn’t have dick on his team and he just went out against the Wembanyama (yeah, hold on), and scored 31 on over 50% shooting! That’s fucking incredible! Again, the Blazers DON’T HAVE DICK besides Deni! Look at the team! Coach Tiago Splitter’s closing lineup was: Deni, Matisse Thybulle, Jrue Holiday, Toumani Camara, and Scoot Henderson! So insane!
By the way, Tiago Splitter looks like a fantastic coach. Stays physically subdued on the sidelines. Doesn’t get hysterical over the dipshit refs. Tiago just shuts up and thinks about how to help the team. I really like Tiaggo Splitter and if this oligarch named “Tom Dundon” doesn’t pay Tiaggo at least 4 million American dollars annually to be the coach, we’re going to be very upset.
But yeah, Deni Avdija is the fucking truth. He’s the strongest player on the court in this series. Force equals mass times acceleration and no Spur or Blazer multiplies as much of those two things together as Deni Avdija. Seriously, the Blazers just go out there and say “Hey Deni, you’re our only hope against the Wembanyama. Good luck.” Then Deni has TWO turnovers?! He got used to finishing around/through the Wembanyama. OK, I’m ready. I fucking love Deni Avdija. He’s a goddamn WARRIOR. That nigga is getting a nickname. “Bear Jew”. From Inglorious Bastards. Bear Jew goes out on the basketball court and brains Nazis with a baseball bat.
Scoot Henderson does not have the physical tools that most number 3 draft picks have. Has there ever been a bigger con job than Scoot Henderson before he was drafted? I distinctly remember talking with someone at a Los Angeles country club about Brandon Miller vs Scoot Henderson. The other person was a Scoot buyer. I was like, “Brandon Miller is much bigger”. I was right!
Scoot was unconscious from eighteen feet. The box score says that he made 2 threes but his game was about the fast-burning carbohydrates of a basketball offense that are midrange jumpers. I think the broadcast showed Scoot doing mouth stuff after he made shots that seemed to be communicating how Scoot thought that he was going to beat the Wembanyama with eighteen-footers. Yeah… no. Scoot isn’t blindly fast like Derrick Rose, Kemba Walker, Darren Collison, John Wall, or whichever fast guard from the 2010s that you want to bring up. He’s not close to the dynamism of Isaiah Thomas. Just imagine how shitty the Pizza Guy is watching Scoot mess around shooting eighteen-footers. Pizza Guy is like, “This fucking nigga. Fucking third pick in the motherfucking draft?! Scoot didn’t make any game-winners in the Pac-12 tournament! I was the last pick of the draft and the Queens banished me to butt-fuck Phoenix before Brad saved my ass. Look at what I did in the first round of the playoffs with my nigga Brad! And this fucking nigga Scoot has Bear Jew and all fucking Scoot can do is take these snitch-nigga middys?! Nah bih, fuck that nigga! Scoot ain’t shit!”
Yeah, Pizza Guy. I’m with you there!
Really, this Blazer supporting cast is abominable. Jrue “Bug Eyes” Holiday is out there looking every second of the 35 years that he is. Stephon Castle is injuring Bug Eyes every other possession. Bug Eyes is getting that tell-tale brain fatigue that old ball players get. In the fourth quarter, Bug Eyes was tired and had the ball. He decided that what was needed at that moment was a stepback three over the Wembanyama. Yes, that was one of Bug Eyes’ six missed threes. Bug Eyes was bricking threes with Giannis in Milwaukee and he’s bricking threes now when he has some real responsibility to be an offensive contributor. And on defense, Bug Eyes is getting lit on fire by De’Aaron, Stephon Castle, and the secret weapon Dylan Harper. Not good!
Bug Eyes also had a breakaway layup that gave him a huge head start against Devin Vassell. That’s a play that my friend and I sometimes witness firsthand at adult league basketball. A highly questionable teammate will get a great outlet pass from one of us for an easy layup. Then get chased down and make me unreasonably hateful. Just like our highly questionable teammate, Bug Eyes couldn’t manage to get to the rim fast enough in order to avoid being chased down like a little bitch. In Bug Eyes’ case, the chaser was Devin Vassell. Bug Eyes needs to be traded if he doesn’t retire. Abysmal showing.
The Blazers were making some miracle threes in the first half to keep the game respectable. Tiago was watching that and holding in his concern for his team. That’s because Tiago is a great coach!
The three-point percentage for Toumani Camara looks good. 40 percent on 5 attempts. There was an egregious airball among the three misses that was as wide-open as could possibly be. Listen, Esteemed Editor and I like Toumani Camara. We like his name. We like his measurables. We like that he doesn’t look like a little cretin from the underworld like Scoot Henderson. Toumani Camara needs to go with the Wembanyama to the buddhist monks and recondition his brain to be OK with being a COMFORTABLE shooter. Then Toumani needs to win some preseason games shooting threes and talking shit to the opponents. Toumani needs to rewire his brain with long daily walks without headphones where he just imagines winning a playoff game shooting threes. Nagini did it. It’s incredibly difficult but it’s what Toumani needs to do.
We’re talking a lot about the Blazers! Do you know who Shaedon Sharpe is aside from his highlight dunks? Let me tell you who Shaedon Sharpe is. Shaedon Sharpe is a figment of your imagination. Shaedon Sharpe is an idea. Shaedon Sharpe is the thesis that a theoretical physicist defends for their doctorate. Shaedon Sharpe is “dark matter”.
Shaedon Sharpe is a retard and you can’t fix “retard”. For huge stretches of the game without Bear Jew on the court, the Blazer offense was “Shaedon dribbles around and attempts a fifteen-foot fadeaway”. Shaedon missed those shots. Shaedon missed every three he attempted. Shaedon got a floater blocked by the Wembanyama that will probably the scariest defensive play of the postseason.
We need to wrap up the Blazers’ section. My Ghetto Lovechild was fantastic! Of course he was! I raised his black ass! Not every day but whenever I would spend time with my Ghetto Lovechild, I made sure to spend at least one consecutive week with him. It’s not quality of time, it’s quantity of time. That’s my parenting philosophy with Ghetto Lovechild and My Son. Not my step-son though. 11 points, 4 assists, 6 rebounds, 0 turnovers in 16 minutes for my Ghetto Lovechild! I love my boy!
Donovan Clingan is big and I’m sure he can do some things that convince you that he’s strong, but on the basketball court, Donovan Clingan is not strong. Especially from a standstill where he doesn’t have any space to start momentum. We’re thinking specifically of the play at the rim where Donovan got his shit swatted by Kornet and then recovered the ball only to get his shit swatted by fucking Devin Vassell. Donovan needs to join the free “Mat Pilates in the Park” class that Nino Brown and I teach at the St Pete Pier. Something is missing in Donovan’s lower body that prevents him from being strong from a still position. If you want to get really cunty with it, you would say that “Donovan’s kinetic chain needs to be unlocked”. That’s not my or Nino’s style, though. Join us, Donovan!
But yeah, the Wembanyama is fucking ridiculous. You lose track of the number of times that you say “Jesus Christ” and “Wow” while watching the Wembanyama play. He’s the best basketball player ever. At least, he is when he makes five threes. A lot of those threes were very difficult. There was one where the shot clock was winding down and my Ghetto Lovechild was doing an admirable job sliding his feet and keeping his ass down (just like I taught him), and the Wembanyama made a stepback three. There was a made three from the corner that the Wembanyama DRIBBLED INTO. There was a ball screen that Stephon Castle set for the Wembanyama that preceded another dribble pull-up three. Every three that the Wembanyama makes is a miracle of biology. So there’s that. There are also these lobs that make Donovan Clingang want to go play for FC Barcelona instead of the Portland Trail Blazers. Listen, if Donovan Clingan can’t prevent those lobs for the Wembanyama, Coach Tiago is correct to bench his white Maine ass. Unholy stuff. There are a lot of lobs where Bug Eyes has no fucking clue what is up and what is down, so Bug Eyes starts boxing out the Wembanyama but the lob is happening so the dipshit refs call a two-shot foul on Bug Eyes. The dipshit refs were great in this game. They didn’t call bullshit fouls in the beginning and called good fouls later. Shout-out Josh Tiven. The other dipshit ref that went to the monitor to review stuff, kinda pisses us of because his face is so cherubic and he wears that gold band while reffing a fucking basketball game. Josh does that too. It’s so insecure. “Look everyone, I’m putting penis in vagina. You can trust me not to be a part of a Kalshi cash grab.” Fuck off with that shit, guys.
There was a spin-move that the Wembanyama had before dunking it that was maybe the most impressive play he had. It was definitely one of the 10 times I uttered “Jesus Christ”. That was filthy. The Wembanyama was just going for highlights during that game. He got them!
But yeah, there’s the defense too. Wembanyama induces A LOT of missed shots around the rim because of the fear that he instills in an opponent. Bear Jew was able to overcome it but every other one of these ain’t shit niggas on the Blazers couldn’t do dick at the rim. Like Jerami Grant throwing up that prayer while falling down. Shit got swatted and started a fast break while Jerami was on the ground. The Blazers can’t fix this team while they pay Shaedon, Jerami, and Bug Eyes, huge amounts of the salary cap to miss threes and get burned by De’Aaron, Castle, Dylan Harper, and of course the Wembanyama. Sorry, Blazers!
Dylan Harper is this secret ballistic missile that San Antonio is keeping hidden under the sea. His pick-and-roll with the Wembanyama is unguardable because Dylan can finish at the rim. His alley-oop passes to the Wembanyama are on target. Big target, but still. Dylan Harper looked better than Kon Knueppel against the Heat.
Luke Kornet plays like Marcin Gortat. There are large stretches where the Wembanyama is recovering in the incubation tube, and Kornet comes in. Kornet has fantastic hands so he finishes around the rim. Unlike Clingan. Kornet is a big, strong man. Unlike Clingan. Kornet protects the rim during a playoff game. Unlike Clingan. So yeah, Kornet can write all the shit he wants on Medium about how it’s amoral for the Hawks to celebrate ass and titties at an NBA game for families. No ass and titties in public, says Luke Kornet!
OK, fine. Devin Vassell was sensational in the second half. We’ve mentioned two of his blocks. Now, he was only 44% from three while the Wembanyama was 83%, but Vassell made most of those during the second half. Vassell is a fifth-starter on a championship team. Capable of CATCH-AND-SHOOT threes, and as he demonstrated, a dash of rim protection. Those are critical categories! Devin Vassell looked retarded during the first half taking terrible attempts, being a scared little bitch refusing to take the ball to the rim with courage, and being wholly incapable of dribbling. Vassell just needs to stick to what he’s demonstrated. Outside shooting and protecting the rim. He wasn’t the Wembanyama, but the Wembanyama let Devin bang the drum after the game to get the San Antonio cult into one frame of mind. The San Antonio crowd doesn’t sacrifice a lamb before playoff games like the Oklahoma City crowd does, but they bang drums and clap together!
Some light notes on the accoutrements! Tim Duncan’s cum bucket is still hot. Way hotter than his ex-wife, who gave sloppy-toppy to her personal trainer because Timmy wasn’t fucking her how she needed. Timmy is a great guy. The current cum bucket is still hot. She’s 45. My confidence level that she’s gotten BREAST implants is 97%. My confidence that she’s gotten a nose job is 71%. I’m much less adept at noticing nose jobs than at noticing BREAST implants. Timmy’s cum bucket clearly works out diligently and is in fantastic physical shape.
Timmy’s cum bucket’s eyes got SO EXCITED watching the Wembanyama put together that hoop mixtape against the Blazers. If there were ever “come fuck me” eyes, those were them. Timmy D is the ultimate cuckold, and that’s why my Esteemed Editor worships him. That’s why anyone would worship Timmy D. Because watching your significant other get railroaded by someone else while you want is one of those societally taboo fetishes. Right there with foot stuff.
The sideline reporter is this woman named “Zora Stephenson”. She’s kinda chubby, doesn’t have BREASTS, and just isn’t that attractive in general. It’s not acceptable. It’s not hard to find a young Erin Andrews. Do it, NBC. When I watch the muted broadcast, I should be saying “Tits and ass!” while witnessing the silent sideline interviews. I shouldn’t be saying “Tits and ass? Wait, there’s no tits and ass! What the fuck! I want my tits and ass! This is bullshit!”
Ken Yehi Ratzon!
CAVALIERS 🤺 (-9.5) over Raptors 🦖
- I’m not watching or caring about this series.
Hawks 🦅 (+6.5) over KNICKS 👖
- This is unwise. The Knicks are still much larger than the Hawks. I just feel a Knicks shitshow loading right now.
NUGGETS ⛏️ (-7.5) over Timberwolves 🐺
- Obviously I’m watching this game. There’s no reason to pick the Wolves. Anthony Edwards is clearly injured. The Nuggets shot poorly on wide-open threes. Lord Voldemort was taking it easy and he can pop off.
