Record: 29-29
"This is not a war any more than there's a war between men and maggots. This is an extermination."
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Wow. Just wow. The Wembanyama is in his third season and he’s single-handedly winning road playoff games in the Bestern Conference Semifinals. He’s just too good. He’s the best basketball player to have ever been born. This cute little debate that is going on to decide who between The Wembanyama and Tom Riddle is better is exactly that. A cute little debate with one obviously correct answer and another answer that tells everyone that you aren’t watching what’s happening with clear eyes and full hearts. The Wembanyama is here.
What The Wembanyama is doing right now reminds me of playing basketball before the first classes started in middle school. The kid who always brought a good outdoor ball (named Cameron) was one of those people who took Kobe’s side over LeBron’s. Cameron was fat. Cameron was not good at basketball. Cameron was good at bringing the ball to the blacktop before the dumb gym teachers opened up the equipment room to allow the rest of us to play ball without Cameron’s tyranny. Cameron was absolutely someone who insisted that he had political sway because the ball was his. Cameron was definitely someone who took his ball and stopped the game if he was upset. Cameron took Kobe’s side. Of course he did. Kobe’s bullshit was right up people like Cameron’s alley.
I said nothing, but I remember the feeling.
LeBron was obviously better. The Wembanyama is obviously better. If you want to say something else, go ahead and keep voting for Suzanne Collins and all the other 80-year-olds who can’t say no to corporate funding and low corporate tax rates. Your time is almost over. Enjoy the last bits of your fading power. Because Graham Platner and his Reddit race theories are coming for that ass. It’s obvious. Contrary to what the Capital Class thinks, we working shitbags aren’t fucking retarded. Only the retired working shitbags are retarded. And while they may vote in droves for the wrong person, we recognize the reality.
LeBron was better than Kobe in 2007. Graham Platner is going to give Suzanne Collins a stroke in a debate and win the congressional seat by default. The Wembanyama is the best basketball player to have ever lived.
Watching Spurs-Timberwolves Game 3 was almost boring when it really shouldn’t have been. The Wembanyama will do that to games. That’s probably his player signature right now. You will face The Wembanyama and the score might be close. You might look like you can cover. But the game never feels in doubt. You watched Game 3 and you never doubted that The Wembanyama was going to win (and cover). It really is what watching an Anaconda choke a Brazilian Tapir must look like. A slow, wheezing walk towards death that is never for a second doubted.
Sorry, but please, just look at The Wembanyama’s stats. The box score on NBA.com is better than CTESPN. The stats read better on the website of the league. But yeah, The Wembanyama didn’t miss shots of any kind. He had one heat check deep three that he airballed. OK, well he still shot 70% overall, 60% from three, and 80% from the line. He single-handedly makes the Spurs into an excellent defensive rebounding team. The Spurs have Julian Champagnie as their second-best rebounder! It’s all on The Wembanyama to prevent the Wolves’ French Rejection/Julius Randle/Jaden McDaniels triumverate to not get offensive rebounds. And The Wembanyama does exactly that! Tom Riddle and the Nuggets allowed this same Timberwolves team to get 20 offensive rebounds in a closeout game! The Wembanyama is not allowing that! And defensive rebounding is the third-best thing that he does! He’s too incredible. The Wembanyama shouldn’t exist, but he does, and we are all hopeless with our mere human capacities.
Just 5 blocks for The Wembanyama. Ho hum. The 5 blocks are just the shots that The Wembanyama actually gets his hands on. There are many more shot attempts that never have a chance of going in because the shooter is so concerned with getting blocked by The Wembanyama. His rim protection is the best in NBA history. Jaden McDaniels has gotten to the point where he never even considers trying a layup when The Wembanyama is in the game. Julius Randle actually decided to play like a man and dunk for once, solely because The Wembanyama was coming and the dipshit refs refuse to call goaltending. Did Chris Finch complain after the game about the dipshit refs not calling goaltending again? He needs to do that every game because the dipshit refs are missing way too many goaltends. I believe the most egregious miss in Game 3 was a Jaden McDaniels floater along the baseline. Hey, dipshit refs, if it’s close, call a goaltend! You’ve fucked up enough non-calls. Maybe try being wrong in the other direction!
We’ve chided Donovan Mitchell for not being a leader of men and showing it with his soft high-fives with Dean Wade. We’ll now applaud The Wembanyama for being an obvious leader of men at the tender age of 22. My goodness. Donovan Mitchell is about 6 years older than The Wembanyama and Donovan isn’t one-tenth the leader that The Wembanyama is. You really see The Wembanyama’s leadership when he gets incredible and1’s and then storms into his bench and starts screaming with all of his teammates to get everyone razzed up. That’s a man. That’s a general. That’s someone who an American soldier would follow on the path to Native American genocide in 1840.
One turnover for The Wembanyama. We’re kind of tempted to give him the nickname “Mewtwo”. We’re not ready to start handing out Pokémon nicknames. But if The Wembanyama wins the championship carrying Stephon Castle and De’Aaron Fox? If that happens, we’re not going to put ourselves through any kind of reflection and analysis. We’re just going to do what feels right. We’re not going to use condoms. We’re just going to ask about chlamydia and then start handing out Pokémon nicknames.
But yeah, The Wembanyama needed to be playing like the best basketball player ever yesterday because De’Aaron Fox was atrocious again. My goodness. Hey, De’Aaron, the Spurs are a basketball organization that cares about winning. They’ll trade your ass this summer if you keep playing old and lazy like you just did in Game 3. Jesus Christ. De’Aaron was missing wide-open threes that The Wembanyama was rebounding and putting back. That was definitely one case of The Wembanyama replacing the dirty diaper that De’Aaron soiled. Here’s another way that De’Aaron was terrible: he made an absolutely obvious charge on mah nigga Terrence Shannon! So that was one of his turnovers. Only 2 turnovers from De’Aaron. Go look at the shooting percentages. De’Aaron misses shots from all three areas. You never trust his free throws and he has a mental block against making wide-open catch-and-shoot threes. Very occasionally, De’Aaron will navigate through the Timberwolves’ defense and take a fading, one-arm shot after pivoting in the paint. Those shots involve enough dribbling from De’Aaron to help him forget that he’s a little bitch who is scared to shoot. When De’Aaron dribbles and forgets that fact about himself, he actually makes some shots. Jesus. Isn’t De’Aaron supposed to be one of the fastest players in the league? Isn’t he supposed to be able to dunk the fucking basketball? Goddamn, De’Aaron never even thinks about dunking now. He might be 28, but in his head, he’s a washed-up 34. There are these fastbreak situations that the Spurs get where De’Aaron has the ball and the Timberwolves defenders aree backing away. They’re daring De’Aaron to stop being a little pussy and take the ball to the rack. De’Aaron doesn’t. Can “De’Aaron Doesn’t” be some kind of campaign slogan that a real Spurs fan uses to inspire Elon Musk and Brian Wright to trade De’Aaron this summer?!
Did De’Aaron start this game by getting chased down by Jaden McDaniels while not trying to dunk? Of course! That set the tone for his first 4 misses that were all from less than fifteen feet! De’Aaron started the game 1-8 and pretty much every shot that De’Aaron attempts is pretty good quality. The Timberwolves have The Wembanyama to worry about!
Somehow, a significant amount of De’Aaron’s misses became offensive rebounds for other players to cash in. Without those offensive rebounds, De’Aaron’s plus-minus would have been more reflective of his appalling effort and putrid shooting. Just a disgusting effort from De’Aaron in a game where his “veteran presence” was sorely needed. And don’t even think about the possibility of De’Aaron getting any Grown Man Rebounds (GMR).
But it wasn’t just De’Aaron who was being terrible in Game 3, even though he played on The Wembanyama’s team. There was also Stephon Castle. Stephon Castle is a travelling foul-grifter who doesn’t want to shoot. That’s the most concise way to describe Stephon Castle’s game. We’re waiting for him to cut his hair and give us some sob story about his uncle touching him like Lonnie Walker did. My goodness, Stephon Castle is just a thoroughly unlikable basketball player. Only 4 turnovers?! Wow, two of them were offensive fouls on Terrence Shannon. A charge and a push-off that the dipshit refs somehow found it within themselves to call. I don’t remember if the dipshit refs found it within themselves to call Stephon for that bullshit where he takes two steps towards the rim and then pauses on his last step. Oh well.
When Stephon Castle isn’t blatantly holding offensive players away from the ball, he’s taking awful gambles trying to get steals at halfcourt. Now, we guess that he has The Wembanyama to clean up all of the shit that Stephon Castle makes, but the gamble to take the ball from Julius Randle at halfcourt was too much (™).
Really, it’s just incredible how all of the Spurs were just dying to lose this game but The Wembanyama was so brilliant in all facets that you never felt like the Spurs wouldn’t cover. Literally everyone besides him was awful at shooting. Besides Carter Bryant. Carter is definitely a keeper moving forward. Unlike Stephon Castle and De’Aaron Fox. Dylan Harper was fun. He was good because he wasn’t Stephon Castle or De’Aaron Fox. Julian Champagnie wasn’t stuck on automatic but he got four offensive rebounds. He’s a multi-faceted ball player. Julian is excellent. Elon Musk deserved coach of the year over Joe Mazzulla for Elon’s emotional support of Julian Champagnie. Whoever is giving confidence to Julian is a great coach.
One thing that Elon can improve, though, is getting rid of all the laptops in front of the assistant coaches in the second row. There are way too many laptops in front of the coaches. And they’re not even all the same brand. Why are some coaches using Macs, and others HP? Are the laptops not the Spurs’ property? Would the Spurs really get different operating systems like that? Would young assistant coaches really choose HP if given the choice on a company laptop?
Devin Vassell is missing threes and making midrange shots. It’s fine if he pump-fakes the three and dribbles into a midrange shot. He’s good enough at fifteen-footers to be liberated to attempt them.
Luke “Catholic Hammer” Kornet almost got dunked on by Terrence Shannon in a manner that could’ve been Dunk of The Playoffs. So that’s the second missed dunk like that after Daniss Jenkins almost put Evan “King Theoden” Mobley in a body bag two days ago. The throne still belongs to Jamal Cain, showing the NBA that Jalen Duren is not a $40 million a year player.
Yeah, Terrence Shannon almost had that dunk. He did have three offensive fouls that he drew from Stephon Castle and De’Aaron (combined). Yes, Terrence Shannon had a +19 in a seven-point loss. Chris Finch better come correct and give Terrence Shannon a fucking long leash to play during the preseason because Terrence Shannon is the fucking truth. If Chris doesn’t want to do that, Chris needs to be replaced. Sorry, we know that Chris Finch is an excellent coach but Tim Connely needs to have a meeting with Chris after the Spurs win this series and get Chris to understand that his future is tied to Terrence Shannon’s success. Players don’t draw offensive fouls like that unless they are serious about winning. Don’t give Terrence Shannon this Steve Kerr yo-yo bullshit. Give Terrence Shannon some fucking support to play through bad times, because he’s earned a real shot to become the star that he can be.
Zero free throw attempts for mah nigga Terrence. That should be the Material Evidence brought forward against the dipshit refs in the officiating court. Your honor, the prosecution accuses the dipshit refs of not giving enough calls to the Timberwolves.
Did Julius Randle shoot 25% from the field again? Yes. Even with the one dunk he somehow managed to inspire himself to attempt. Julius is fine, I guess. This level of basketball is beyond him if he’s the second or third offensive option. Just know that. Julius can look great against a small Warriors team and an old Lakers team but against The Wembanyama, things are going to go south.
Woof, Jaden McDaniels shot 23% on 22 attempts?! Jeez. Jaden probably won’t go to the media and say that the Spurs are a team of bad defenders. We love Jaden, but right now, he needs to make his midrange shots that he’s attempting because The Wembanyama is shutting down the paint.
Anthony Edwards made a lot of shots and he’s a hero for playing through his torn knee ligament, but those screams that he made to the Minnesota crowd during the first half never made me lose faith in the Spurs covering. Those screams weren’t like the Tobias Harris screams against the Cavs. Those Anthony Edwards screams were noises that tried to convince other people that the show wasn’t over. The show was over. The Timberwolves were in the chokehold of The Wembanyama. Our meer human weapons are useless against an alien force the size of The Wembanyama.
CAVALIERS 🤺 (-5.5) over Pistons 🚗
- Listen, I hate this but I’m taking the home team down 0-2. I’ll hop back on the Pistons train in Game 4. I’m probably watching this game.
Thunder ⛈️ (-8.5) over LAKERS ⭐
- I’m taking the Thunder every game of this series and I’m not watching one minute of it.
