Record: 44-37
“When it came to fighting, Woundwort was not given to careful calculation. Men, and larger animals such as wolves, usually have an idea of their own numbers and those of the enemy and this affects their readiness to fight and how they go about it. Woundwort had never had any need to think like this. What he had learned from all his experience of fighting was that nearly always there are those who want to fight and those who do not but feel they cannot avoid it. More than once he had fought alone and imposed his will on crowds of other rabbits.”
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That’s Jalen “General Woundwort” Brunson! That’s why he has that nickname! Because General Woundwort is a BAD MAN! Goddamn that was DELICIOUS! Remember when we picked the Thunder to win and cover in Game 7 and how we didn’t relish that game as much as we could’ve if we had the mental clarity to pick the Spurs? Remember how we understood after that game that the Thunder were clearly hobbled and below the requisite level of ball-handling juice to beat the Spurs? Remember?!? Well… EAT THIS DICK! We fucking told your retard asses that General Woundwort and the Knicks were going to cover Game 1 and by gosh, by golly, they fucking won! Goddamn that was DELECTABLE! You know, this Knicks team is extremely likable. Dare we say, rootable. You watch these games as a regular person, unspoiled by the corruption of making against-the-spread picks, and you root for Karl “Kovid” Towns! It’s incredible! You root for the bastion of American inequality! This is really incredible how General Woundwort, fucking Landry Shamet, Grand Theft Alvarado, and goddamn Kovid Towns have made us all love and accept the Knicks! What a time to be alive!
SCRUMPTIOUS!
How did the Spurs only score 95 points?!? We think that is the biggest question. Because watching the game, you felt in your bones that the Spurs were much better and that the Spurs were blowing out the Knicks. You thought, “Oh wow I guess all the bookmakers in Sports Gambling know what the fuck they’re doing because these Spurs are making the Knicks look like they came to play from Spanish ACB.”
General Woundwort hurt his knee and looked like he would miss the series. Mike Breen was giving us his most somber tone when General Woundwort headed to the locker room. The Knicks’ play-by-play guy is pulling for his hometown team. Don’t get it twisted! General Woundwort seemed super injured, Dylan Harper was playing like Kyrie Irving, and the Spurs were creating a lead with The Wembanyama sitting on the bench during the second quarter. Things looked pretty blikky! The third quarter started and it became pretty clear that The Wembanyama was going to make the Knicks unable to play professional offensive basketball.
There was no way that the Knicks were winning that game.
But the Knicks won… by TEN?!?! How?!?! What just happened?!?!
Well, Kovid Towns played the best game that we’ve ever seen him play. And we’ve seen a lot of Kovid Towns playoff games. He’s been living in the Conference Finals. My goodness. Kovid Towns was the one who brought the Knicks back in the game before halftime when it looked like Dylan Harper was the best player on the court. Kovid Towns answered the call of the wild with and1 layups and establishing a physical presence around the rim. Luke “Catholic Hammer” Kornet has zero ability to guard Kovid Towns. Jesus Christ, the nuns couldn’t pray the cement out of Catholic Hammer’s heavy feet and Kovid takes advantage of that. Why hasn’t any big taken advantage of Catholic Hammer’s inability to move his feet out in the deep waters? Prison Bitch really couldn’t make Catholic Hammer unplayable? We know Julius Randle doesn’t break dudes down like that for layups, but Naz Reid does and yeah, Naz was good against the Spurs. Gosh, we hate to admit it but we’re thinking about who the Spurs played and none of those teams had anything remotely resembling Kovid Towns as a mountain that can dribble with shake. Give it up for Kovid Towns! Maybe if Kovid brings a championship to New York, we’ll stop spending government money to build biological superspreaders in Wuhan. In the name of Kovid Towns! C’mon guys!
Really, you could not have been more impressed with the mental toughness of Kovid Towns DRAGGING the Knicks back into the game when Dylan Harper was telling us that Dylan might be a top-10 player next year. 0-2 from three for Kovid Towns. Indeed, Kovid was establishing “presence”. He did not make a basket during the fourth quarter. That was General Woundwort’s time. Fine by us! Listen, we just rewatched all of Kovid’s made baskets. He’s clearly some kind of biological bacteria that has molded the inhabitants of Earth to be the only living organisms that can live on this planet. Kovid Towns clearly is the demise of the Martians. The Wembanyama has made his run through the world, unchecked by anything close to the power of bacteria multiplied by time. Well, the clock might’ve struck midnight on The Wembanyama. Because Kovid is here and he’s a problem that the Spurs don’t have an answer for.
Listen, Mike Brown was fired by the Sacramento Queens after winning Coach Of the Year. Mike Brown was a bad coach during LeBron’s first tour in Cleveland. Mike Brown is a phenomenal coach. We’re probably just going to have to keep saying it. Kovid Towns is being given the ball to iso against The Wembanyama and Catholic Hammer and we suspect that Mike Brown has been telling the team that Kovid is their path to reclaiming the Earth. The Knicks have off-ball and on-ball screens on offense with Kovid Towns and those switches on defense are bad for the Spurs. Neither The Wembanyama, nor Catholic Hammer, seem to have any ability to prevent Kovid from dribbling towards the rim in isolation defense and Kovid has the ability to use his mountainous body to shield the ball from the long arm of The Wembanyama. Wow. And Elon Musk knows that none of the other Spurs’ players can be allowed to switch onto Kovid. Go ask my dad about Keldon Johnson being switched onto Kovid Towns.
“What the fuck is Keldon Johnson?!?!? That is terrible! This is outrageous! Terrible position! Terrible three-point shots! I don’t like him!”
Yeah, Dad didn’t appreciate Keldon Johnson after Kovid got that offensive rebound and and1 putback. And goodness gracious, Kovid Towns really screamed at Keldon to stop being such a little pussy after that and1. Gone are the days of Keldon shoving Prison Bitch down to the basement before two-hand dunking on his prison bitch ass. We’re in the halcyon days of immunized antibodies!
You can’t say anything about Kovid besides how he’s incredible and we’re bad people for refusing to call him anything other than Kovid Towns. Yes, he didn’t score in the fourth quarter, and actually caused Grand Theft Alvarado to take a shot with the shot clock going down midway through the fourth quarter because GTA was looking at Kovid but Kovid was exhausted and refusing to make eye contact with GTA. GTA was just dribbling at the top, waiting for either OG or Kovid to do something to get open so that someone paid to take shots midway through the fourth quarter in The Finals would accept the ball. Kovid was gassed and everyone just stood around before GTA took a wild layup that was always a prayer and that led to a Spurs fastbreak. Listen, GTA is taking shots in these games and we respect Puerto Ricans, but GTA has moments where it looks like he really just wants someone else to shoot it. It’s fine. GTA made a layup in front of The Wembanyama in the first half and GTA could not have used the rim as protection better than he did there. GTA is great. He deserves a 10-year career. There is no one better for “bench vibes” and “unhinged Puerto Rican insanity” than GTA. There was a moment during the fourth quarter when General Woundwort was deep in his trance, that GTA seemed to fervently walk up to the General sitting on the bench and just silently go face to face with him. Staring into the empty eyes of General Woundwort and telekinetically telling him that he’s That Dude. We appreciate Puerto Ricans in this space!
GTA played 11 minutes in a Finals Game 1. That’s crazy. Just yesterday, he was a backup in New Orleans!
So Kovid Towns was exhausted during the middle of the fourth quarter. He was failing to get critical rebounds and The Wembanyama was dusting him on the perimeter. Oh well. Kovid was the Knicks’ best player. We’re giving him that distinction. Mike Brown seems to be orchestrating screens on offense that leverage Kovid’s unguardability with these Spurs. Kovid is a physical mismatch for these Spurs. It’s the byproduct of Carter Bryant not being ready and Harrison “Black Falcon” Barnes being buried on the bench. This Spurs’ roster is not structured in a way to handle a player like Kovid Towns when Kovid Towns is not having a meltdown. In Game 1, Kovid was perfectly sane for the entire game. My goodness.
And yes, Kovid Towns blocked the piss out of Champagnie on a drive to the rim and started a fastbreak. Kovid Towns was plainly sensational! Where’s Jordyn?!
Speaking of Jordyn, the Big Mexican Naturals “BMN” got different seats. Now they sit behind the Spurs’ bench instead of behind where Elon walks around. They did not wear their assigned shirts. Obviously. Listen, the BMN are serious fans. They stand up with the crowd. They’re NEVER in their phones orchestrating their next dicking. They’re PRESENT and ENGAGED with the game. They clap and react to the happenings on the court like people who are LOCKED IN.
Big Mexican Naturals. Not our cup of tea, but they’re good people and sometimes, that matters so much.
OK, now we’re going to General Woundwort. He absolutely closed this game down, but there was a stretch in the middle where it felt like he wouldn’t. During the beginning of the game, we were seeing the shooting stats for General Woundwort and being like, “He took 16 shots?!? Jesus Christ. What a pig!” But yeah, General Woundwort could not have been any more of a hero during a time when New York needed a hero because Kovid was gassed and Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges was busy getting taken to the WEIGHT ROOM by Dylan Harper. Yeah, General Woundwort did that. After all his disgusting shots and that terrible airball over Devin Vassell, General Woundwort took out all of the emotions in his body and closed the game during Winning Time.
Was General Woundwort atrocious during the first three quarters? Yes. We have no idea how he came back from what looked like a very serious knee injury. Catholic Hammer landing on his ankle looked terminal. General Woundwort was choking on his vomit and yelling at Scott Foster during the first half. Scott was being a great dipshit ref and letting General Woundwort scream at him because you can NOT give a technical to the guy fighting through torn knee ligaments, a shattered ankle, and several bad misses. No, Scott swallowed that whistle. The dipshit refs officiated a good game. Someone called The Wembanyama for goaltending on that layup by GTA. That’s excellent, and extremely difficult. Scott had a very zesty called travel violation on The Wembanyama during the fourth quarter that was preceded by what looked like bunny hops onto the court. Scott Foster was excellent. General Woundwort wasn’t allowed to ruin the game with free throws, The Wembanyama was called for goaltending, and there was a travel call during the fourth quarter. You can’t ask for more from the dipshit refs!
But yeah, General Woundwort. His unpredictable pull-ups in the midrange off a dribble feel automatic. Julian Champagnie can’t guard him. Julian’s feet are a little too heavy and General Woundwort’s dad has trained him to be able to get his shot off against anyone short of The Wembanyama. Those layups that General Woundwort had during the fourth quarter were beautiful. And did General Woundwort get a CRITICAL offensive rebound before MAKING a corner three right in front of the Spurs bench to ice the goddamn game? Really, off his own offensive rebound tip out? Jesus Goddamn, General Woundwort has his name for a reason. We can’t forget that. General Woundwort has welded himself onto this Knicks team. He and Kovid Towns, both. It’s those two now. Sweet Jesus.
Not even a fan live-streaming going out onto the court can break General Woundwort from the trance that he puts himself in to close out games with torn ligaments. It’s scary watching General Woundwort walk off the court after he closes games. There is nothing on his face but control. Rick Brunson has done something with his son’s mind. We’re sure of it. Who in these playoffs has frightened us with their faces during high-pressure moments? General Woundwort here, Alex Caruso watching Stephon Castle beg for calls to the dipshit refs like Alex Caruso is watching a captivating game show while simultaneously getting ready to go outside and one-shot a pesky buck, The Wembanyama clapping on the ground against the Timberwolves like his dad beat him growing up and hitting him got The Wembanyama excited, and… maybe Isaiah Hartenstein screaming after getting a dunk or rebound.
Landry Shamet is doing similar stuff to General Woundwort with mental conditioning. Really, Landry Shamet could not have played that game with more DICK than he did. My goodness. Who is Mike Brown benching so that Landry Shamet can play 33 minutes? Mr Attendance and Josh Hart. Rightfully so. Remember when Mike Brown was playing Jordan Clarkson over Landry Shamet against the Cavs? Lol.
But yeah, Landry Shamet is dribbling into these stepback threes like he knows he’s about to perfectly swish them. He missed some shots during the first quarter but NEVER wavered from confidently taking his shots. On the broadcast, Richard Jefferson called it “playing with positivity”. In my head, we called it “playing with dick”. Richard is on the broadcast though. 3 for 6 from three and you feel like that's a bad night for Landry. Landry is rising and firing with the utmost trust from this Knicks team. And did Landry officially end the game with tipping a ball off Devin Vassell? Yes! Shout out to Mike Brown for having a challenge available to him for that moment. That needs to be “teaching tape” for all these retard coaches about why you need to have a challenge. To be able to give Landry Shamet a moment like that. That tip off Vassell doesn’t go in the box score but we know what Landry did!
The broadcasters glazed Josh Hart a lot. We didn’t share those same sentiments on Josh Hart’s game. Clearly Mike Brown did not either with the minutes given to Josh. Josh got swatted like a fly by The Wembanyama during the first quarter and became an offensive zero for the rest of the game. Sure, Josh got a lot of rebounds and steals. There were absolutely moments during the end of the fourth quarter where we were screaming at Josh to “get the fucking rebound”. The Knicks did not close the game out with proficiently securing defensive rebounds. Kovid was too tired and Josh just wasn’t doing it. Mitchell “stepson” Robinson ends possessions with finality on his defensive rebounds but there were some bad bounces that went away from him while Kovid was resting and stepson couldn’t grab those. The Spurs had their chances to win this game. The final ten-point margin is definitely fake news.
One of the dropped defensive rebounds by Hart during the fourth quarter led directly to Champagnie gaining possession and getting sent to the free-throw line. You do not feel safe with Josh Hart trying to handle defensive rebounding with the game on the line.
But yes, Josh Hart had three steals during the fourth quarter and pretty much all of them were the result of him becoming an NFL safety. Josh Hart plays like someone who got himself a dark-skin black wife. Doesn’t make shots or cut through a set defense for kickouts, but is a thief on defense and will get loud defensive rebounds that make you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a gorilla”. You love to play basketball with a guy who has a dark-skin black wife. Their people of high character and high collective conscience. But you need the General Woundworts with their white women who are unrepentant gunners with the season in the balance.
OK, let’s clarify that. A dark-skinned black woman equals someone who is fun to play with and plays big. White woman equals heroics but also lots of moments where you’re like “Fuck this guy, he’s a pig.” OK, great.
Mr Attendance was terrible in this game. He couldn’t stop getting physically shown up by Dylan Harper. In the fourth quarter, a dipshit ref called Mr Attendance for a holding foul on Dylan that negated a layup after it. Dylan was like, “Fuck, let that go. I got a layup after that tap!” Mr Attendance is not physically capable of guarding Dylan Harper. First, that’s insane. Second, that’s a serious problem because Elon is going to understand that and feature Dylan Harper a lot more in Game 2. At the expense of Devin Vassell.
OG was terrible most of the game but made some free throws and some threes during the fourth quarter to actually redeem himself. In the first half, he shit his pants at the free-throw area while taking a shot with The Wembanyama at the rim. The Wembanyama actually reached across the fifteen feet to get an absolutely absurd contest on that pull-up and OG airballed what looked like a wide-open pull-up from fifteen feet. Yeah, OG wasn’t accustomed to playing against a Martian.
Nothing else to say for the Knicks besides Miles McBride blocking the piss out of Keldon Johnson in an embarrassing way and Miles McBride operates the pick-and-roll like he has no desire to get a layup or an assist. Keldon’s minutes got cut and he deserved it. Dad agreed with Elon there, but somehow Keldon ended up with a positive plus-minus. Keldon was terrible.
The Wembanyama was terrible on offense. It’s really strange watching The Wembanyama have a terrible offensive game because every second that he’s on the court, he obviously changes the game on defense and it warps how you see it offense but his defense is always so game-changing. But yes, The Wembanyama missed a lot of shots, lost the ball a bunch, and got called for that travel in the fourth quarter. He was sensational from the free-throw line and that contributes to how bizarre it is to watch him miss field goals because you see him being so trustworthy from the line. The Wembanyama is going to explode in Game 2.
The Spurs' best offensive players were Dylan Harper and Julian Champagnie and they did pretty much all of their damage in the first half. It really doesn’t make sense how the Spurs’ offense just stopped after the midway point of the third quarter.
Dylan is fully recovered from his non-contact inner-thigh muscle injury that he had a week ago. It’s almost as ludicrous as how he just steps onto the court and is plainly unguardable. Dylan’s red shoes look great. Almost as great as him gathering the ball and muscling his way through Landry Shamet before letting OG tap him for the and1 layup. Pretty much every Knick was taken to the weight room by Dylan Harper before Dylan shot his arms down at his sides and screamed like he was sending a message that no prisoners would be taken. Dylan Harper is such a savage. It’s something that has never happened in the history of this world. Yes, no one has ever done what Dylan Harper is doing as a rookie. It’s truly incredible and he will be on my fantasy basketball team this coming year.
Julian Champagnie was so on fire that I spent a lot of time trying to find a gif of the Flamethrower Guy who sold drugs in Project X. Apparently he’s not available. There are other gifs of people with flamethrowers, but not the guy from Project X who had his gnome stolen. Somehow, Bryn Forbes is the first NBA player who comes up when scrolling through the “flamethrower” options on GIPHY. But yes, Julian Champagnie was on fire and talking mess to GTA after GTA was screwing up and leaving Champagnie open. Those two are from New York City and they talk mess to each other. Even Champagnie’s misses feel like makes when he gets on a heater like that. His shot is beautiful. Much more attractive than Landry Shamet’s. You love seeing Julian Champagnie shoot the basketball. Now, Champagnie was completely absent from the second half, but five made threes during the first half and ten rebounds for the game from Champagnie. He did more than his share.
Dylan Harper’s offensive output was so starkly divided between the halves as Champagnie’s but we can’t help but point out that Dylan didn’t make a basket after the middle of the third quarter, and that perfectly coincided with the Spurs offense coming to a halt. So I guess that the Knicks had General Woundwort to take them home, country roads, and the Spurs didn’t have anyone who wanted to step up and make shots during crunch time?!? I guess so!
De’Aaron Fox was terrible. Esteemed Editor pointed this out and Dad said some form of “What the fuck was that De’Aaron? Swiper?” several times. Yeah, De’Aaron was missing a lot of shots. He wasn’t screaming in pain while biting down on a towel so that gives us hope that he’ll play better in Game 2 and allow us not to watch Stephon Castle have 10 turnovers. But yeah, De’Aaron got brazenly stripped by Josh Hart with the game on the line. The Spurs had so many chances to win the game but they either missed or made a turnover.
Wow, Black Falcon played 12 minutes?! Elon knows he needs a bigger group around The Wembanyama against this Knicks team.
We’ll end this with Dad’s truly hilarious commentary on a television show advertisement and my goading in between his blanching.
“FX has a show that’s entirely black.”
“Is that OK?”
“No, it’s neo-racism!”
SPURS 🤠 (-5.5) over Knicks 👖
- Yeah, we said The Wembanyama will bounce back. The Spurs should’ve killed the Knicks. This is a bounce-back spot. We’re “seeing the board clearly”. Sure, we can give everyone the middle finger and say that the Knicks have legitimate mismatches that will persevere through this entire series and take them to cover Game 2. We’re not going to do that. We’re doing what feels like the obvious correct choice. Let us eat cake!
