Record: 28-28
“I knew right away that he was what I call a twin flame. Instead of a soul mate, a twin flame is actually where a soul has ascended into a high enough level that it can be split into two different bodies at the same time. So we’re actually two halves of the same soul, I think. And I said that to him almost immediately, because I felt it right away.
I think it was the second day of filming. I asked him to come into my trailer for lunch, and I put him through all of this astrology stuff. I went deep right away. I knew before I even did his chart, I said to him, he has a Pisces moon. I could tell by his energy.”
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“Goddamnit guys, we’re a fucking company taking money from men! I’ve seen enough of these bullshit ads trying to be funny. What we need next to our product is some tits goddamnit!”
“Uhh… Mr. Dr. Squanch CEO… We’ve A/B tested the creatives and ran all of the market research on high-end DTC viral marketing. All of the data points to a better ACoS on ads with the kind of irreverent joke-saying that fueled the rise of MAGA. All of the dashboards point to this. Mr. Dr. Squanch CEO, we’ve done all of the analytics and it all points to ads featuring comedians and humor being the best ROI.”
“You’ve always been a pussy faggot Little Bitch Chief Marketing Officer. You’re weren’t around for the Perky Tit era of the 90s. Back when there were real men of genius. Before all the pussies like you came in and just hid behind your faggoty little acronyms. Back when men had dick. Anyways, you can fuck off with your little queer acronyms. We’re putting our deodorant in front of some goddamn TITS. It’s fucking 2026. My nephew is starting his Plastic Surgery training. He tells me all about the new canons that are coming out. Swear to God, I wish my slapdick son was half as smart as my sister’s kid. Goddamnit. Anyways, Little Bitch Chief Marketing Officer, go get us the best pair of tits that money can buy. I don’t want this Sydney Sweeney bullshit either. Fucking Jesus Christ whenever cannons like that are natural, the face above them is always a little fucked up. What a shame. People will buy it though. People always buy tits. Little Bitch Chief Marketing Officer, what are you still doing in my office?! Go find us a pair of titties! NOW!”
…
“Little, I mean, Big Bitch Chief Marketing Officer, Mr. Dr. Squanch CEO wants to make ads based on tits and not guys being dudes? Didn’t you show him the numbers that engineering found?”
“Yes, Marketing Engineering Director, he didn’t care. The fool! He’s going to drag the company down and get us all fired! Call all your friends. Call all of the people that you’ve been in Zoom calls with. We’re going to need to find new jobs after this blows up. But yeah, who can we get?”
“With our current production budget of $400,000, I don’t think we’re in the range of any reputable model in their early twenties.”
“Yeah, Marketing Engineering Director, we can’t afford the Young Naturals. Mr. Dr. Squanch CEO said he wanted plastic heavies anyway. Are there any actresses in their late 30s who had a bunch of kids and then made an investment in Plastic Surgery? Someone like that would probably be cool with whatever vapid lines that the writers come up with. A woman in attention withdrawals. Yeah, that’s who we want. Maybe an actress who had some experience with big-screen movies that were more about special effects and whatever the gooks in Vietnam came up with on all their special effects gizmos. But then people stopped caring about whatever special effects were in that movie franchise and moved on to something else. Who fits the bill, Marketing Engineering Director?”
…
“Oh, I got it, Big Bitch Chief Marketing Officer! I got it! Yes!”
“Who?! For God’s sake, WHO?! We need this done yesterday!”
“MEGAN FOX!”
“THAT’S PERFECT! YES, GET HER!”
Yeah, these Megan Fox/Dr. Squanch commercials are crazy. We spent most of the third quarter reading Megan Fox’s Wikipedia. Listen, women can be more than cum buckets. They can be funny, brilliant, and interesting. They can have hobbies and deep interests. They have personal agency and can participate in the world economy. Women are more suited for pretty much every profession. The ones that don’t involve physical labor or business/leadership strategy. Doctor, lawyer, teacher, engineer, all that.
Megan Fox is just a cum bucket, and she got all of the plastic surgery to preserve her pathway to fame. It is so wild to see the pictures of Megan Fox when she left St. Pete. That’s a completely different person! Somehow, all of the beauty pageants she won as a teenager just inspired her to buy the best tits that money can buy after she had her fourth kid. And those are the best tits that money can buy. Those cannons are better than Kylie Jenner’s! Is Kylie Jenner ever going to have another kid and get “them” redone? That’s what Megan did! Really, it’s kind of upsetting imagining a woman breastfeeding with purchased honkers. I think what’s supposed to happen if you’re trying to do the whole thing where you stay connected to the woman you have children with is to have the kids before buying the CANNONS. Then, after you have two kids, that’s when you plan a visit to Mr. Dr. Squanch CEO’s nephew’s Plastic Surgery office and buy some TITTIES. Yes, that’s best for the children. Best for the children, and best for my sense of right and wrong. Because breastfeeding with implants is wrong. No further questions, your honor.
Yeah guys, can you tell that these Cavs-Pistons games are tough to watch? Did you catch that when the start of today’s creation was an imagined conversation between Dr Squanch executives about deciding on Megan Fox being the tits that symbolize their deodorant? Well, if you did, then you’re right. These games are awful. Picking the Cavs was the “right” play but the outcome of the game was just never in doubt. I guess that the Cavs played their best basketball while I was reading all of the retarded quotes that Megan Fox has blessed us with regarding astrology and all of her other made-up nonsense that she comes up with to make herself feel ok about how she just wants a man to pay attention to her because her biological dad left and her step-dad was none too pleased at her existence. Is Megan Fox growing up and publicly championing wealth taxes to provide more economic resources to public services that could maybe help the moms of today find better step-dads than the one who Megan’s mom found thirty years ago? No. Megan doesn’t watch the same YouTube videos that I do. Megan is not obsessed with escaping America. Megan just wants some American TITS to make her lead viral Direct-To-Consumer brand advertising campaigns.
Fuck yeah, Megan. You weren’t hot in Transformers but now that you got those American heavies and whatever you had done to your face, you’re fucking hot. And you’ll be hot until you’re 45. MAYBE 49. Good job.
Fuck that feels good. We’ve been waiting to address the Megan Fox/ Dr Squanch commercials! This gutless effort from the Cavaliers in Game 2 was just the occasion! Where do we start with this gross Cavs team? With Dan Gilbert’s NF1 kid? No, he’s dead. We start with Evan “King Theoden” Mobley obviously!
Listen, I fucking endorsed the fuck out of King Theoden after he led USC to the Elite 8. He won a DPOY. In his second year, King Theoden was looking like he’d become one of the ultra-important bigs who made free throws. All of that is gone. The Cavs need to sell high on King Theoden this offseason after they lose this series against the Pistons in 5 games. You can only sell potential for so long, and King Theoden has passed that expiration date. I’ve seen enough of him try to back people down and move backwards because he has the physical strength of a doe. It’s really one of the most pathetic things to see King Theoden try to be a rim-runner after setting a ball screen, or try backing down Tobias Harris around the foul line. Just awful. And we have to deal with all of King Theoden’s bullshit hesitancy for attempting threes. You feel the reluctance from King Theoden when you see him wind up and deal three balls from the corner. He’s not someone who really believed in himself as a shooter like Robert “Ghetto Lovechild” Williams. When my Ghetto Lovechild shoots those corner threes, you see the self-belief. With King Theoden, you see some little imp who never played basketball on his own as a child. Some kid who always had five coaches telling him what to do and trying to look smart in front of his parents so that they would remember “that one coach from AAU” who really helped King Theoden’s development as a player. If King Theoden’s player development stagnation isn’t a screaming siren for the demise of America for the sake of making money off of little kids playing sports, I don’t know what is.
So there are the post-ups on Tobias Harris that go backwards. What else is there? There’s the post-ups on Cade Cunningham that precede King Theoden losing the ball because Cade is too strong for him to move towards the rim. So pathetic. There was a missed Detroit free throw that Isaiah Stewart tipped in because he moved King Theoden under the basket. That was super bad. You can not let the rebounder from the free-throw shooting team emasculate you like how Isaiah Stewart emasculated King Theoden there.
King Theoden does these back-downs that he can’t do, and then he jumps up and throws the ball to no one. Ausar Thompson gets to the loose ball before everyone else because he moves through time and space differently than everyone else, and then Ausar becomes a passable offensive player because it’s a fast break and he has the ball. Thanks, King Theoden!
King Theoden will start turning over the basketball and then it will ruin everything else on offense. He’ll start getting viciously blocked by Tobias Harris. LMAO at the people who think that King Theoden can play with another non-shooter. He’s almost as bad as Ausar and Amen Thompson! After King Theoden loses all of his balls in the first quarter, he then refuses to shoot. Refuses to shoot and refuses to catch any lobs to the rim. Little Game James was pathetic but he will always be able to recognize a physical mismatch at the rim and throw a great lob towards the basket. LGJ did that with King Theoden working against Duncan Robinson (maybe, it was someone who was not Duren or Ausar), and King Theoden didn’t get big. He did not elevate and catch the fucking ball. As someone who loves going up and grabbing lob passes that passers take chances on throwing, it hurts my soul to see a little bitch like King Theoden not come down with the fucking ball.
Jesus Fucking Christ, I just saw the final box score from King Theoden. 0 free throw attempts. Yeah, that’s what I felt watching him play. Just a little bitch who wilts on contact and doesn’t take chances or put himself in position to be maimed at the basket. Tom Riddle, King Theoden is not. One rebound. Wow, we’re really building a case here! We could be the Chief Marketing Officer of Dr Squanch with all of the fancy numbers we’re extrapolating! Only 2 turnovers. The stat keepers probably gave some to Little Game James that were actually King Theoden’s fault. When Little Game James joined the Cavs and immediately made Jarrett “Wormtongue” Allen someone who was getting 25 points and 15 rebounds a night, that should’ve been listed as Conclusive Evidence in the Trial of King Theoden. King Theoden was injured during that time, I believe. Has Little Game James ever made King Theoden into a big who routinely gets 25-15’s? No, and it’s King Theoden’s fault for not being no Clint Capela.
Little Game James is a lot of bad things, but something that will always be true about LGJ is that he’s a fatboi LA Hooper, and fatboi LA Hooper’s are some goddamn basketball geniuses who can throw absolute dimes to the rim. King Theoden is from Temecula. That’s not LA. We’re disavowing King Theoden from the LA Basketball Dynasty even though he went to USC. We’re not doing the same for Kawhi Leonard. Kawhi spent more time in the city.
Did Little Game James end this game by sitting down on the court as Ausar Thompson ran a fast break the other way? Of course. That’s how LGJ ends every dispiriting playoff game. Watching LGJ, you really feel the old fatness that defines his game now. He was never meant to be asked to get separation from Daniss Jenkins to decide a playoff series at the age of 36! Little Game James was supposed to be living off of the talents of healthy Ebola Embiid and Tyrese Maxey at this point! But Daryl Morey had to go back on his promise to sign Little Game James after a playoff flameout so bad that it made me feel disgusted for liking the NBA Playoffs!
It’s been over for Little Game James. You clearly see that in the first quarter when Ausar Thompson couldn’t give less of a fuck that LGJ is pushing him during dead balls and getting upset with him. Ausar just stands there and waits for the game to get back on because he’s so indifferent to the ravings of an old man. Really, that’s the worst kind of elder abuse. Just staying calm and waiting for the incoherent ravings to end. Knowing full well that the old person is just completely harmless and is not physically capable of doing anything. Delicious stuff from Ausar! Screw old people! They’re the ones who vote. If they can’t vote into legislation some tax rates on the wealthy that mirrored the pre-Reagan era, then they deserve all this naked hatred from assholes like me who blame them for society’s overreaction to the man-made bio weapon that was released in 2020 and think that they’re gross. Gross like Little Game James against his ready Pistons team.
But this game wasn’t about Little Game James, and the dystopian America that is currently in place is not because of Grammy. This Dystopian America is in place because of the relentless extraction on the working class by the billionaires, and this game was about Donovan Mitchell (and King Theoden).
Donovan Mitchell has these games where you feel like he’s a morbidly obese American who is just straight-up eating themselves to death with raw cookie dough and ice cream gallons that they microwaved. Donovan just exhausts himself doing these crossover moves that his trainer gets on Instagram, and they’re great. Donovan really looked like he broke Tobias Harris’ hip by dropping him so bad during the first quarter. But you watch Donovan do all these fancy dribbles that lead to hard shots. Hard shots that he doesn’t make and doesn’t inspire his teammates with. French Rejection was right to get shitty at Donovan Mitchell for being a ball-hog who didn’t play the game the right way! People just didn’t want to admit it because we all fall for the “little chucker guard” archetype that Donovan Mitchell falls into. No one wants to be on the side of the “French Big Who Disrespected Covid” archetype.
Before the halftime buzzer, Donovan did one of his incredible dribbling routines and made a tough shot. Dean Wade ran up to Donovan but sensed the moribund energy permeating Donovan’s being. Dean Wade remained steadfast and offered Donovan a high-five because Dean wanted to rally the troops and make this a serious game. Donovan gave one of the most pathetic high-fives that you’ll see from someone. Gross leadership. If Donovan Mitchell is the captain of your ship, you’re going to crash into an iceberg and sink to the bottom of the North Atlantic Ocean.
And of course, at the end of these games, Donovan gets too tired from the bullshit he’s been doing during the first three quarters to actually make shots. Then Donovan gets to leave a season wondering, “Oh I’m great. Why can’t I ever win in the playoffs?!” Yeah, it’s because he doesn’t play a team game. Doesn’t make his teammates better. Doesn’t make plays on defense. Doesn’t have the strategic long-term thinking to conserve himself for winning time. There, I just laid out for you the case of Donovan Mitchell. The court is now adjourned.
The Pistons couldn’t physically manhandle the Magic, but they can physically manhandle the Cavs! Ausar Thompson and Ron Holland take turns butt-fucking Little Game James. Jeez, LGJ’s plus-minus is the worst on the team and it’s because Ron Holland and Ausar Thompson are retiring him on the court. So that’s one good thing that the Pistons are doing. Completely shutting down Little Game James.
Another thing that the Pistons are doing really well is introducing Daniss Jenkins to the public! That’s Daniss Jenkins?!? That’s who Rick Pitino found at Odessa College?!? He’s good! He was better than Donovan Mitchall in a Leastern Conference Semifinals game! Daniss really tried to dunk on King Theoden in a way that would have put him in contention with Jamal Cain for the best dunk of the playoffs. Daniss didn’t get that dunk home, but made other shots around the rim during a sensational first half (when the game was being decided). Daniss Jenkins was taking the ball coast-to-coast and being an expert practitioner of the pick-and-roll. Why hasn’t Daniss Jenkins been playing all season alongside Cade Cunningham? That would help Cade not have to do everything. Someone tell J.B. to get with the times and start Daniss Jenkins. Daniss is 6’-4” and he almost ended King Theoden with that dunk attempt! Don’t give me this mess about Daniss being too small!!
Really, it felt like the best supporting Pistons players were Daniss and Tobias Harris! Daniss during the first half, and Tobias during the second half. Somehow, Tobias didn’t tear any ligaments in his hip after that nasty Donovan Mitchell crossover. Actually, Tobias looked like a man who was outgrowing his Big Moment Jitters! Fine, I’ll say it. Tobias Harris looked like a young man who, for the first time, was having sex with an extremely attractive woman whom he talked into sex without the use of alcohol. Something in the face of Tobias Harris painted the picture of someone getting over mental blocks. The mental block of being terrible in big, important moments. It was the seriousness of his face after he made big shots, but also with him screaming after the dipshit refs called obvious holding fouls on him trying to box out Wormtongue. It felt like Tobias was just screaming because he was going beyond the preconceived limits of his physical body. Wild stuff from Tobias.
Was Jalen Duren bad? Yes. Is Jalen Duren just not very good? Yes. Is Jalen Duren about to screw over Cade Cunningham in the same way that Limp Dick screwed over Tom Riddle by signing a contract extension that is too divorced from his realities as a player? YES! Oh my God, Jalen Duren is about to really fuck up the Pistons with his contract extension! Now he’s dropping the dunks that Cade is spoonfeeding him at the basket. Jalen never dunks the ball. Is Jalen why the Pistons are completely shutting down the Cavs? No, not really. That’s more Ausar Thompson, Ron Holland, and a smattering of Isaiah Stewart. Even Tobias Harris is getting in there with swatting King Theoden. Jalen Duren doesn’t dunk, doesn’t shoot, and doesn’t get blocks. Look at his 2-for-7 field goal shooting! Jalen Duren has been extremely concerning for the entirety of the Pistons' playoff run.
Cade Cunningham is a supernova of basketball excellence. He will team up with Cooper Flagg to lead Team USA in the Olympics and hold off the incoming soft civil war of America that would inevitably spark if Team USA doesn’t win the Basketball gold medal. Cade is really just fantastic and J.B. Bickerstaff just needs to not be a complete fatass retard coach and let Daniss play alongside Cade. Don’t force Cade Cunningham to be Atlas.
These Cavs-Pistons games suck. Unlike Dr Squanch deodorant! That stuff is incredible! They sell it at Lowe’s! You can think about Megan Fox’s dressed-up tits while you wait in line at the one operating checkout lane that Lowe’s keeps in operation so that they don’t have to hire as many cashiers! Dr Squanch!
SIXERS 🔔 (-1.5) over Knicks 👖
- Sixers covered last game. They covered the line before Ebola Embiid was announced out (7.5). I don’t know. The Knicks seem to play better on the road but this is a spot you take the team down 0-2. OG Anunoby is out. Are the dipshit refs going to give the Sixers every call so that this series doesn’t become a sweep?
Spurs 🤠 over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺
- LOL I’m taking the Spurs. I don’t care about the “spot” in this case. The Spurs are just way too good. Their team is too talented! Anthony Edwards is too hurt! Ayo Dosunmu is too hurt! This needs to be a sweep. I’m going to be watching this game on television like David Robinson!
