Cavs Blow Out the Pistons in Game 7. Spurs-Thunder Pick Inside.

Day 29

Record: 36-33

“Sam Merrill is locked and loaded!” - Ian Eagle.

“Donovan Mitchell, chef’s kiss!” - Ian Eagle.

That’s the kind of short phrasing that makes Ian Eagle a fun time. Ian must spend a serious amount of time coming up with these little phrases that make the broadcast better. He doesn’t have a lot of room with Stan Van taking up a disproportionate amount of literal space and figurative broadcast space. It’s fun finding Ian and Stan Van in their midcourt seats with their backs to the camera. You’re like, “Oh wow, look at that short, wide mass in a suit. That must be Stan Van.”

Stan Van actually pointed out how Tom Gores caught a ball that went out of bounds so we knew Tom Gores based on the painted raccoon on his head. Tom was standing up and clapping A LOT. He was embarrassed in front of his friends in that Game 7 and an embarrassed oligarch is someone who I think will demand that different faces come around when next season starts. It must be wild to be a dipshit ref in the playoffs and be in charge of something right in front of an oligarch worth billions and billions of dollars.

Wow, that didn’t even really hurt because the Pistons were as pathetic as a team could possibly be from the moment this game started and there was zero doubt that the Cavs would win by 20 on the road in a Game 7. The Detroit Pistons are about to become the Gorcery Outlet Bargain Market of the NBA for smart teams looking to get from “abominable” to “respectable”. Chief among the bargains at Grocery Outlet are Isaiah Steward and Caris LeVert. And if you can get Daniss Jenkins, go for it. Daniss signed a cheap contract but maybe JB Dumbass will convince the front office to get rid of him. Marcus Sasser’s shot looks like a prayer every time he shoots. There’s not a lot of wrist involved with his shot and it looks like he’s too concerned with the ball going upwards.

It’s just incredible how the Pistons came into that game playing lethargic, getting outrun on possessions after made field goals, allowing offensive rebounds off of missed free throws, getting secured defensive rebounds poked out, throwing passes to no one, having all shots barely hit the rim, allow Jarrett Allen to walk right by you for a dunk, and consistently lose track of Sam Merrill. Sam Merrill must’ve made three threes from the same corner. The corner right next to oligarch Tom Gores.

That Pistons arena was totally silent by the middle of the third quarter and we quit the game at the end of that. We should’ve quit after the first quarter.

Spurs 🤠 (+6.5) over THUNDER ⛈️

- There are a couple of things going on here. First, Jalen “Rottweiler” Williams is playing and the Thunder have been worse with him playing over Ajay Mitchell all year. So that’s a point against the Thunder. Second, The Wembanyama getting 6.5 points? Every day, and twice on Sunday. Third, the Spurs punked the Thunder during the preseason and while that was the preseason, we’ll take that as a small point in favor of the Spurs when we have two strong points that we have faith in. Now, we just got powned by the Pistons tailing them in a Game 7 that they lost to Little Game James by 30 so we’re not feeling feisty like we were when we were screaming “Eat this dick, bitches!” This life is short, and the section of it where we’re actually able to be fuckable is even shorter. So while we have this precious time, I’m riding the Spurs. I’m riding Dylan Harper. I’m pledging allegiance to The Wembanyama. I’m going to stand by the team that has not only captured my heart, but even more importantly, captured my mind. Spurs, bitches!