Record: 41-35
“The time for books is fucking over mate. You’re not a fucking kid. You’re here now. You’re in the big leagues. Look at the world with your fucking eyes.”
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Yes, I’m slipping away. The record that was once 55% is falling. What was once my undeniable source of being special is now the cause of all the gremlins I see around every corner. Behind every door is some wandering ruffian who has stumbled their way into my space and is now going to react to my surprising presence with rapid, animalistic, physical frenzy. I know they’re everywhere. There are no safe options. The end is near. It’s fucking over.
Another terrible conference finals game? Yes. Another game that made you not want to watch the rest of the playoffs? Yeah. Hey, when was the last good conference finals series? The Bestern Conference features the Timberwolves getting blown out in that round every year so it’s been a while out there. In the Least? 2023 with the Miami Heat team that inspired me to buy the “White Hot Playoffs” shirt? When Derrick “Alien Eyes” White had that game-winning tip-in in Game 6 and then the Celtics got smacked at home? Probably then! Here’s a dirty little secret. Something that people who are paid by the league are not supposed to talk about. The end of the playoffs are designed to be a bad entertainment product. They’re designed to be dogshit that we all eat and swear is something else. Something delicious. This world was made by Mexicans and it is designed for Mexicans. If Adam “Penis Head” Silver wanted to give us something worth watching, he could easily find some hard-working Mexicans to figure out how to plan the playoffs so that every game is only 48 hours after the previous. Hiring Mexicans to do that scheduling would be incredibly easy! But Penis Head Silver likes giving us dogshit. It’s what makes him happy. And really, we deserve it. We don’t collectively unionize with the players against the NBA Oligarchs to reduce the amount of preseason games and space out the playoff games in a way that doesn’t create blowouts exclusively by the time the conference finals come around. Oh well! Guess we’ll just keep eating this dick and liking it.
The most noteworthy thing about Game 4 was the broadcast shots of Elon Musk on the sideline, perfectly situated between two pairs of tig ol Mexican naturals. Jesus Fucking Christ. Those were some sloppy jalopies. Those ladies were the furthest thing from the culturally caucasian Pilates Body. My goodness, there were all kinds of stuff falling out of the bottoms of those shirts and getting squeezed out by those pants. Personally, that’s not my cup of tea. But if there are men in this world who will poke fat chicks, there damn well are men who will poke tig ol bitties like those. We’re not sure if Tim Duncan’s girlfriend (or Tim Duncan) made it to this game. Tim Duncan’s girlfriend would not recruit those two women sitting behind Elon Musk to be a part of her collective to disprove Charles Barkley about the women of San Antonio all being bovine. Tim Duncan’s girlfriend knows the deal. Plastic surgery and a taut stomach. We’re not looking for women who can’t navigate uncertain terrain on The Amazing Race, and neither is Tim Duncan’s girlfriend.
For some reason, we’re not noticing the crowd as much this year. Not unless they’re exclusively shown like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce were. At this point, Taylor Swift is just for the women whom she has indoctrinated into her cult. She’s like Trump in that way. Just for the real fuckhead diehards. There’s probably something that makes billionaires unable to do anything well. Paul Krugman calls it “billionaire brain”. I don’t call it anything. Let alone something alliterative. But when was the last good song that Taylor Swift made? The song from Fifty Shades Darker? That was ten years ago! Has Taylor Swift allowed herself to become a multi-billionaire and disconnected herself from what allowed her to make great art? We’re going to go with “yes”. Do you think that she’s going to insist that they have the nanny carry her baby to term?!
But yeah, Tim Duncan and his girlfriend were not in attendance. David Robinson was! Sitting next to some mixed kid that wasn’t his. How is David Robinson just going to these games and sitting next to the proletariat? What a good guy!
OK, one more thing before we get into that awful game. Paige Buekers looks like a chemo patient if you look at her straight-on. Especially if there’s tricks happening with the advertising lighting. That hairline is deep, and that face is gaunt. So shout out to Paige Buekers for her hairline that is exfiltrating out of hostile territory.
Has Chet Holmgren taken Jarrett “Wormtongue” Allen’s spot as the NBA’s ultimate prison bitch? He’s had to. Wormtongue isn’t getting obviously manhandled by stepson this year. It’s not just The Wembanyama who is making Chet look like he’s suffering severe psychological and physical trauma that will permanently scar him for the rest of his life. The whole San Antonio team is acting like my cousin’s dad (maternal aunt married him… and had kids with him), who jacked off in front of little kids that he was babysitting. No, we don’t ask the cousins if he did any wild stuff in front of them. We’re not that kind of family. But anyway, Chet is looking like my cousins after their dad got sent to jail and everyone found out that he was a monster. Chet is looking blank in his face. He’s looking tentative. He’s looking like every response out of his mouth is “I don’t know… I don’t know. Please just make it stop”. Yeah, that’s who Chet is looking like. My Trauma Cousins, whom I have no hope for nor any interest in. Shout out to The Wembanyama for doing this to Chet Holmgren.
In Game 4, it started almost immediately with Chet getting the ball and lots of open space between him and the rim (and The Wembanyama). Chet gathered his momentum and readied himself to try and dunk through The Wembanyama. Did that dunk clear The Wembanyama? Fuck no, it did not. The Wembanyama rejected Chet’s soft approach and redirected the ball back to where it came from. Remember how Shaq would dunk and make you know in your bones that if anyone tried to block that dunk, they’d break a bone in their arm or hand? Yeah, Chet doesn’t do that. There could not have been a better opportunity to dunk on The Wembanyama and escape the childhood trauma that The Wembanyama is retroactively giving him. But, nope. Chet got sodomized as an adult and now he thinks that he was as a child as well.
It’s so insane how Chet is so damaged now, that Jaylin Williams guards The Wembanyama better than Chet does. Chet gets blown by. At least Jaylin Williams is capable of keeping his body between The Wembanyama and the rim. Speaking of Jaylin Williams, The Triumverate came into the game together and the broadcast panned to them like the broadcast reads these write-ups and knows what a big deal The Triumverate (McCain, Caruso, Jaylin) is.
But yeah, Chet is hopeless whenever The Wembanyama is on the court. Not even just when he’s guarding him. There’s even Dylan Harper scaring Chet out of dunking around the rim. Don’t even think about Chet dunking when Catholic Hammer is around him! Catholic Hammer is blocking the piss out of Chet Holmgren. The dipshit refs rightfully do not respect Chet Homgren going up around the rim. Chet is falling out of bounds and the dipshit refs give not a second’s consideration to calling a foul. The dipshit refs need to have that same attitude towards Selfish Shai and his falling midrange shot attempts.
At this point, it’s just his presence at all. Daryl Morey said that he sold high on Jared McCain which was asinine. What would be the real baller move, would be if Sam Presti sold high on Chet Holmgren this offseason. It makes sense! People aren’t expecting Chet to be available. The Thunder are going to have to go against The Wembanyama for many years and Chet seems like he’s going to turn into a prison bitch the second that he steps onto the court against the Spurs. Hartenstein and Jaylin Williams have been much better than Chet. Chet can’t make threes like Jaylin, and Chet can’t score over The Wembanyama with weird shot puts like Hartenstein can. There’s a Thunder salary cap crunch coming and Sam Presti has been operating like a God, so we can’t question Sam. We just have to wait until he makes a mistake. But if we’re “game theorying” this thing out, Chet feels like the one to get moved. Frees up a lot of cap space. Not really losing a lot considering that Chet becomes absolutely useless whenever he faces the Spurs. Chet’s had his time to go train in Redondo Beach to get stronger than a 16-year-old girl. Chet’s signed his extension. The time for waiting with Chet Holmgren is over. Just like it’s over with King Theoden. Chet hasn’t grown up. Jaylin Williams has grown up! Jaylin wasn’t making shots yesterday but he was confidently taking them and he still managed to take a charge against Carter Bryant (woof). Jaylin Williams had that Game 3 where he showed us that he’s probably really good at sex and also someone who we would love to play basketball with. Not for one second has Chet Holmgren made us consider the possibility that he’s out there making a woman repeatedly cum. Not one nanosecond. Actually, Chet Holmgren has been making us think that The Wembanyama goes into the Thunder locker room showers and butt-fucks him after these games.
In Game 2, Chet had 13 points, 4 rebounds, and zero stocks in 27 minutes. It was a Selfish Shai, Alex Caruso, zesty Jared McCain, and Cason Wallace show.
We’re not going to spend more time trying to make a Chet Holmgren fake trade to the Grizzlies for the third pick, Santi Aldama, and another player who is still alive. So, not Brandon Clarke. We can’t see any obvious trade partners in the Leastern Conference. Who would the Thunder need? Someone else to score 15 points in a playoff game, and who is 6’-8”. Jaylen Wells? Ideally, a premium draft pick if Jaylin Williams is really going to take Chet’s spot, which he might be able to!
But yeah, Chet is giving us real Jalen Duren vibes right now. Besides that, the Thunder just had a truly atrocious shooting performance. They also had a strange amount of turnovers that we never see from them. We don’t anticipate that happening again.
Did The Wembanyama really make that halfcourt shot? By that point, we were pretty zonked out of the game due to picking the Thunder and seeing them score 30 first-half points. But yes, The Wembanyama made that shot and before he caught the ball, you kind of felt like he was going to have a comfortable attempt. You were like, “Umm, as someone who picked the Thunder, I’m scared of The Wembanyama shooting this half-court shot!” Yes, Stephon Castle jumped into The Wembanyama’s arms like a kindergartener. Stephon Castle was, without a doubt, the second-best Spur. He was physically dominating the Thunder. Of course he went through Chet Holmgren. He also went through Aaron Wiggins. Stephon Castle is really upset whenever he fails to get the and1 dunk on Selfish Shai.
Seeing this kind of physical dominance against the Thunder is highly unusual. Especially coming from someone 6’-4”. We’ve said this before, but we’ll say it again. We’ve never said a bad word about Stephon Castle. He’s a keeper. He’s a warrior. Chet Holmgren never gave us the warrior stuff that Stephon Castle is giving us right now. Chet Holmgren was a looter in a riot against the Timberwolves and if it weren’t for Tyrese “Hazel” Haliburton tearing his shit, Chet wouldn’t have the title.
The Wembanyama’s shoes are cool. Leave it to a Frenchman to actually create cool-looking shoes and not the pig-slop that Lord Luka, Jayson Tatum, Selfish Shai, Ja Morant, Zion Williamson, and Sabrina Ionescu make. Little Games James just made a really cool Adidas shoe. Credit to LGJ. The Durantula kinda makes cool-looking shoes. Shout out to him. LeBron makes bad shoes now but he had a run where he was making by far the best shoes so LeBron gets a presidential pardon going forward. Tom Riddle obviously makes shoes that we refuse to acknowledge.
Isaiah Hartenstein is wearing Skechers! You can wear those! They’re light-years ahead of Lord Luka’s shoes. Skechers did a great job signing Isaiah Hartenstein. They did a very bad job signing Ebola Embiid, who wears Adidas to the courtside Finals seats that he sits in.
Selfish Shai was laughing too much with Rottweiler at the end of this game. Now, we’re definitely picking the Thunder in Game 5 because we don’t believe that Dylan Harper can continue to play like 70% of his normal self. Dylan definitely did that in Game 4, and we don’t believe in that continuing. His injury is serious! De’Aaron Fox’s injury is serious! Look at the world around you!
Knicks 👖 (-2.5) over CAVALIERS 🤺
- No, I’m not taking the Cavaliers to cover again. The Knicks actually feel like a great Game 1 pick.
