Record: 11-11 (we’ll take the 2-1 but it hurt to win that last game)
“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”
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We had a moment. It lasted longer than any of us could’ve reasonably hoped for. When it was happening, it felt too good to be true and we knew it. We knew it and we didn’t question it. We just woke up and lived our lives, unburdened by the disease of reality.
Well, that’s over. Listen, no one on God’s Green Earth loves Bear Jew more than me. Not his mom, not Miriam Adelson, not Benjamin Netanyahu. Me. I love how Bear Jew plays basketball and I will watch the team he captains. But it’s time for reality. Bear Jew lost most of his front tooth courtesy of De’Aaron Fox, and Bear Jew lost the series yesterday. It was always going to be asking too much of Bear Jew to win that game. He delivered us to the farthest place he could have after winning game 2.
Over here, we want to pardon Bear Jew for missing twelve field-goal attempts. We want to peddle some American State Propaganda and say, “Hey he had 19 points on 15 shot attempts. That’s not bad. Go ask Devin Booker about scoring a point per shot attempt.” But no, that’s not what the Blazers needed. Bear Jew needed to miss six attempts. Not twelve. Tell me that Bear Jew had nine assists and only two turnovers. Sure, great point by you. Devin Booker would have four assists and four turnovers. But Bear Jew isn’t Devin Booker. Bear Jew proved that when he had a 40-point triple-double against the Suns. Ugh.
We’re going to go a little bit longer on the Bear Jew box score, so pardon us. 12-16 free throws is not good. He needed to make one more. Bear Jew is not a good free-throw shooter. We suspect that his free-throw routine and mechanics are a little sloppy. Dare we say, a little uncomfortable. Nothing approaching Lonzo Ball, but a tad out of place. The swishes on Bear Jew free throws are a little too “hard”. It looks like the ball is moving too fast as it approaches the rim. Does he not hold his follow-through? Does he whip his hands down too fast after releasing the shot? Go ask Chip Engelland if you want a fancy, credible breakdown of what Bear Jew needs to change with his free throws but something needs to change there.
Now, there were definitely some shortcomings from Bear Jew’s army that we’ll get to but we’re not quite done with BJ.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Bear Jew doesn’t earn his free throws. Every time Bear Jew gets the ball he attacks the rim like he’s trying to save Israel from the Taliban. We can’t get over how Bear Jew gets the ball in transition and is like, “OK I’m going to the rim and I’m going to kill anyone that gets in my way.” It’s fun and he doesn’t stop doing it. Devin Vassell eventually stopped giving any pretense to “making a play” and straight-up tackled Bear Jew on his flight to the rim. It didn’t look like there was a moment’s consideration given to that tackle by Devin Vassell for being more than a common foul. Surely some commentators like Reggie Miller would get on their pedestal and say that fouls like those are “playoff fouls”. We disagree. That tackle by Devin was flagrant. The dipshit refs had some moments in this game, and we’ll get to those. But it must frustrate the Spurs that Bear Jew keeps imposing his physical will on them in the way that he does. It’s really a joy to watch Bear Jew anticipate where his defender will move to, and then spin around to put himself in a spot that he knows the defender won’t be. Who has a nasty spin move like Bear Jew? Prime Kyrie and Dylan Harper? Not many people pirouette like Bear Jew. Definitely no one born in Beit Zera, Israel.
Who let down Bear Jew in Game 3? Not Jrue “Bug Eyes” Holiday! We’ve been complaining about Bug Eyes refusing to make shots just like he has for the vast majority of his career but in Game 3, Bug Eyes was juking and jiving. Moving with a lithe grace that we don’t see a lot from him. Shout out to one of the pillar basketball families of Los Angeles!
But yeah, the stats that Bug Eyes had can’t lie. He was a force on defense, tipping loose balls to teammates, and swishing threes that he didn’t hesitate to take. Now, Bug Eyes got positively dusted at the end of the game trying to grasp the fish named Dylan Harper, but that’s forgiven because Dylan Harper is the heir to Kyrie.
So how could the Blazers have lost if Bear Jew played fine, and Bug Eyes played what might’ve been the best playoff game of his career?
Who is Donovan Clingan? Correct!
Donovan Clingan sucks. Sorry to be so blunt and unsophisticated about it, but Donovan Clingan is really not my cup of tea. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways!
Donovan has terrible hands. The ball is constantly bouncing of whichever hand of his that he manages to touch the ball with. It’s really sickening to watch because you notice it and then you keep noticing it and it hurts because it’s preventing the Bear Jew from winning. But Donovan Clingan’s sub-rate hands affect more than potential rebounds, caught passes, and recovered loose balls (although that’s a lot!!!). Clingan’s bad hands show themselves when he throws rocks at the rim from the free-throw line. You can tell how manually adroit someone is by watching their free throws. If the ball ricochets off the rim like it’s a bullet off of reinforced steel, you’re not looking at a basketball player. You’re looking at a big white tub of lard. A tub of lard who’s hips can’t “open up”. Donovan has actually reached out to Nino Brown and me about attending our free “Mat Pilates at the Pier” class in St. Pete and we ask him not to attend. Nino and I don’t believe in Donovan’s ability to ever be salvaged with bicycle kicks and foot-circles. In our mind, having Donovan in attendance isn’t worth the distraction of having a seven-foot pudding pop around to distract everyone.
So yeah, Donovan can’t catch or consistently make free throws. His putback attempts are also prayers. They’re not rock-solid guarantees that Ghetto Lovechild’s are! Definitely not! No, actually, when Donovan misses his putbacks, rebounds trickle into the much shorter Spurs’ hands and then get outletted to Luke “Catholic Hammer” Kornet running down the court for dunks against a defense that doesn’t include Donovan Clingan because he’s busy missing putbacks on the other end. Just despicable transition defense from that lard tub Donovan.
Catholic Hammer really outshines Donovan in these matchups. It’s crazy. Catholic Hammer has great hands and he has strength that you can see based off of events that happen on the basketball court. Have I mentioned Donovan’s great rim protection? Oh, I haven’t. That’s because it doesn’t exist even though that’s the whole fucking point of him being on the court. What a faggot. Pardon my naked hatred. It really starts to get fun watching Donovan be lost defending the pick-and-roll. If there is ANY space in that offensive maneuver, Donovan is fucked because he’s too slow to feint against the ball-handler and then recover to block the lob. How many ally-oops are the Spurs going to get against Donovan Clingan?! Imagine if Lord Luka ever got in a playoff series against Donovan Clingan! LMAO! I think that Donovan would start crying on the bench after Tiago benched him. Really, Donovan loves to slam the ball on the court during dead balls after he makes a terrible play or doesn’t make an easy shot. And in Game 3, he started getting shitty with the dipshit refs! Even when Bear Jew was getting foul calls, Donovan was still getting shitty with the dipshit refs.
Donovan Clingan sucks and we hate him. Here. Here is one thing that Donovan Clingan does well: he screams excitedly whenever Bear Jew gets an and1. Donovan really takes joy in his teammates’ success. With that in mind, we are now going to exclusively refer to Donovan as “Cuckhold Clingan”. It’s an alliteration, it’s sexual, and it’s insightful because Donovan isn’t out there on the court fucking. Great nickname. Thanks for your service.
Now, bottle up all of that disdain you have for Cuckhold Clingan, put it in a tissue, and place that tissue in your pocket. Leave it there. It’s time to feel happy. Happy for my Ghetto Lovechild who has been CEMENTING his legacy. Place Ghetto Lovechild amongst one of them greats. When he hit the heavenly gates, he’ll be cool beside Jay-Z.
Goddamn, Ghetto Lovechild could not be any more excellent! The plus-minus lied for him. He was light years ahead of Cuchold Clingan. Ghetto Lovechild might have had 4 blocks in the first half and you felt his rim protection in a way that you NEVER felt Cuckhold Clingan’s. Cuckold Clingan bites on Dylan Harper’s shot-fakes out on the three-point line while my Ghetto Lovechild stays down on upfakes near the rim by Stephon Castle before blocking the real attempt. The dipshit refs gave Castle a bank bailout on that play but make no mistake. It wasn’t a foul and Ghetto Lovechild was in Castle’s head. There’s also the plain fact that Ghetto Lovechild finishes lobs like The Wembanyama. It’s really an offensive weapon. Who else in the league finishes lobs like my Ghetto Lovechild!? Is it really that hard to find incoming players to play as well as my Ghetto Lovechild? He’s better than Kovid Towns. Tell me you disagree. Tell me you don’t know roundball without telling me.
Ghetto Lovechild handoffs to Bear Jew equal points. You have to respect Bear Jew attacking the rim for obvious reasons. He’ll bomb all of Hezbollah if it means he can make a layup. But you also have to respect my Ghetto Lovechild coming in hot for that lob dunk. It’s impossible for anyone who isn’t The Wembanyama. Definitely impossible for Carter Bryant, who is covering me in glory for my predraft hype for him, by the way. Carter’s one made shot was an extremely impressive dribble stepback three over Ghetto Lovechild that made us question time and space. Well, I guess Carter Bryant has that in him!
There is a problem that happens when Ghetto Lovechild is out on the court that isn’t his fault but really screws the Blazers. They have a hard time securing defensive rebounds no matter who is on the court. Blame Carter Bryant. Blame Dylan Harper. Obviously blame Catholic Hammer because he’s the biggest man in this series. But yeah, the Blazers allow offensive rebounds and you can’t have that if you want to win a game 3 at home as the underdog against this San Antonio team with three-point snipers.
OK, we’ve beaten around the bush enough. We’ll admit it. Dylan Harper is That Dude. The broadcast showed a graphic comparing his scoring off the bench at a young age to Kobe's. Dylan deserves that comparison. In our predraft analysis based off of YouTube and the Tournament, Dylan Harper was labeled as a poor man’s Kyrie. Well, Dylan might just be a different label under the same brand company. A different flavor of cereal that is still made by General Mills. Dylan Harper channels sorcery on his drives. Scoot Henderson wanted to talk greazy with Dylan after getting a layup on him. Scoot is fine. Scoot is good. Scoot has redeemed his once-bright future. Scoot can’t hold Dylan’s dick. Dylan took over that game. It was a road playoff game and he is a rookie. Dylan might’ve ended Bug Eyes’ reputation as a stout defender with that spin-move in the fourth quarter while Scoot was pointing at Dylan, begging for someone else to guard him. Dylan Harper is a bad boy.
That dunk he had around my Ghetto Lovechild was another play that screamed “Hall Of Fame”. De’Aaron Fox better pick up his play and stop getting technicals because Dylan is showing everyone that he’s clearly the best ball-handler on the Spurs. Oh, and Dylan gets these offensive rebounds that you do NOT expect! They break the Blazers. Scoot isn’t handling the problem that Dylan Harper presents on the offensive glass.
Oh yeah, that technical foul that the dipshit ref gave to Scoot for talking greazy to Dylan was dogshit. That ref is named James Williams and he needs to be better able to handle the playoffs than that. Did he get scared about how obviously Scoot was acting like he was about to start a prison fight with his histrionics? Because that’s what it felt like. It felt like the kitchen was getting too hot for James Williams. Listen, James has these beautiful hand signals that look like karate. We need James not to get in the way of the game with his karate referee mechanics and party-pooper decisions! We want to watch Scoot get out-of-pocket with Dylan. We want to see Scoot start a prison melee, James! Not you practicing Kung Fu after blowing a whistle!
As long as we’re talking about the dipshit refs, we might as well address the muted broadcasts hors d’ouevres. Candace Parker was described as “Gorgeous. Always has been” by Dad. Now, she’s no Skylar Diggins, but yes, Candace is attractive. Maybe Azzi Fudd is more so, but Candace is a woman. Now, she definitely does have the mannerisms and stoicism of the dressed-up Padme Amadalla while talking about games. She might not be the most fun at parties. We have no idea what she is saying because the broadcast was muted for the second half, but we can’t remember anything she said from the first half when Dad was watching and we saw how stiff she looked during the muted section. We definitely didn’t hear her say anything like “Rugged Rascal” when describing Ghetto Lovechild like Kevin Harlan did. That was stupefying. How did Kevin think of those two words? What a genius.
Jerami Grant and Toumani Camara missed a bunch of shots. Shaedon Sharpe missed some shots but didn’t play a lot because that was a man’s game and Shaedon isn’t a dog like that. So that wraps up the Blazers’ Dogshit section of their roster. Toumani was talking a lot in that fourth quarter and then passing up shots. Toumani would’ve missed them if he tried. Toumani is fine but let’s not get too carried away with the potential of Toumani Camara.
We are eagerly awaiting The Wembanyama to come back and block a Jerami Grant shot into the upper deck.
We won’t have hope for the Blazers ever again like we had it after Game 2. Their Owner Oligarch Tom Dundon is about to burn down the franchise in an effort to extract all of Portland’s wealth for his own. It’s called “Vulture Capitalism” and it’s how good-ol’ Tom made it to the Epstein Class. Dividend Recapitalization. And if Portland doesn’t like it, Tom will move the franchise. Portland deserves this if they don’t have constant chants explicitly calling out Tom Dundon for being a shitbag. Oh well, that’s America. Won’t be like how it was when we were twelve!
MAGIC 🪄 (+2.5) over Pistons 🚗
- Play the “count the points” game with the Pistons. It’s too difficult. Cade is great but it’s unfair to demand that he score 40 every game.
Thunder ⛈️ (-8.5) over SUNS ☀️
- We’re not picking the Suns in this series.
Knicks 👖 (-2.5) over HAWKS 🦅
- LMAO, really?! The Knicks are gonna lose this game?! No way!
TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (+1.5) over Nuggets ⛏️
- This feels like when the Wolves bludgeoned the Durant Suns. I remember walking home in the Florida Humidity to alleviate the self-hatred that I felt after watching those games and picking the Suns. I can’t pick the Nuggets to cover a basketball game against the Timberwolves.
