Record: 9-10
“He groped out for me with both of his own arms, like a drowning man, and began to sob against my stomach, all restraint washed away. Later, after he got himself under control, he apologized. He did it without quite meeting my eyes, as a man does when he feels he has embarrassed himself dreadfully, maybe so deeply that he can never quite live it down. A man can end up hating the fellow who has seen him in such a state.”
-
For the past handful of years, we have loved the Nuggets. We have worshipped at the altar of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. He made his teammates better and he clearly was a conjurer of the most powerful magic the world has ever known. There was an unmatched joy in the sport, watching the Dark Lord play in a close game and knowing that he was going to keep making shots as the game came to a close. Time and time again, opponents would play the Nuggets and find themselves in a close game with 3 minutes left. We knew what would happen. Lord Voldemort was going to get the ball and he was going to finagle his way toward wherever the defense wasn’t, and he was going to throw up a calm shot that he knew was going to be open and that he had just imagined making. The ball would go in, and the ball would keep going in. The opponent would miss on one of their opportunities and the Dark Lord would leave victorious. And we could all be happy because the Dark Lord was a picture of wizarding genius. It felt good watching genius. It felt good watching Lord Voldemort win.
And now we don’t have that. Because Nagini and all the rest of us who watched that game until Jaden McDaniels ended the reign with that dunk know what that was. That was the end.
It hurt to watch Lord Voldemort and Limp Dick embarrass themselves like that in a game for the season. We love Lord Voldemort, but it’s over. Getting relentlessly stuffed around the rim by French Rejection while Limp Dick was never separating from Donte DiVincenzo or motherfucking Jaden McDaniels after Jaden told everyone that the Nuggets weren’t shit. All with Nagini watching from the bench, wearing his adorable custom red Arizona/Nuggets hat, and watching something that he could not refute even in his deluded Professional NBA Player Mind. That hurt.
Ask me. Ask me the question. “How can it be over for the Dark Lord? He’s only 31, and his game relies on qualities that age well. They’ll have another shot next year!”
You could ask that and all of us in the wizarding world can appreciate a take that can’t be proven wrong. We would clap our hands at your cunning wit. We would say, “Of course. How overly dramatic of us. Of course the Dark Lord could be back next year and have Cam Johnson not be a complete shit sandwich and have Nagini not go through a preseason where he tears every soft tissue connecting both of his legs. Of course you’re right. What a fool I am.”
But no, that’s pussy nonsense. We’re right. You’re wrong. And if you want to call us “overly confident” or “Full of hubris”, you can politely fuck off. It’s over. We’re hurt. We’re going to somnambulistically move through the next few days dreading game 4 because we know in our bones that game 4 is a game of basketball and the Dark Lord can not beat Donte DiVincenzo, goddamn Jaden McDaniels, and French Rejection in a game of basketball. Maybe a horse race or a soda drinking contest. But not a basketball game.
In basketball games, Lord Voldemort has to play defense against ball screens, and Lord Voldemort can not do that. Definitely not against motherfucking Donte DiVincenzo. That won’t change in the upcoming days. Really, we’re watching the Dark Lord play defense right now and it seems impossible that he could ever win a championship because winning a championship means winning 4 best-of-seven series against winning teams, and that is incomprehensible with a person who can’t slide their feet or protect the rim like Lord Voldemort! It’s so dispiriting watching the Dark Lord stay at the free-throw line when French Rejection sets a ball screen for Donte DiVincenzo! Donte is a real motherfucker and he knows he’s shooting that three before French Rejection sets the screen! Guys, Donte DiVincenzo has honed his mind into an invincible weapon! Goddamn! Anthony Edwards says that Donte has “gorilla nuts”. I say that Donte is a mentally conditioned Spartan warrior who steps out there as an American White ready to tear everyone’s head off. Guys, I fucking love Donte DiVincenzo. I love watching him emasculate Limp Dick. I love watching him immediately fire three-pointers as soon as he has space. I love watching him crowd He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and taking elbows to the face that mean absolutely nothing to Donte because right now it’s the motherfucking playoffs and Donte can’t feel pain. I fucking love Donte DiVincenzo. I love how after he takes a Sombor Elbow to the dome, he acts out the contact for the dipshit refs to call a wrong offensive foul, but as soon as he gets the call, Donte is walking around halfcourt during the Dark Lord’s free throws and telling Ayo Dosunmu, “Nah, Tom Riddle is going to make these free throws and we’re going to go right back to butt-fucking his bitch-ass. Niggas ain’t shit. He brought the crowns and heads of conquered kings to our city’s steps! He insulted our queen. He threatens my people with slavery and death! THIS IS SPARTA!!!”
Alright, you know what this means. Donte DiVincenzo is getting a goddamn nickname, and it’s not this “Big Rigatoni” dogshit. Henceforth, Donte DiVincenzo will exclusively be referred to as “King Leonidas”. That’s right nigga. Big Pimpin!
But we were talking about the Nuggets and how it’s fucking OVER! We just couldn’t avoid King Leonidas. 4 steals! Yes, the last 2 amounted to a missed pull-up three and a Bad Pass Turnover, but King Leonidas is out there on defense acting like a kid who an elementary school teacher is demanding be put on numbing medication! Goddamn, King Leonidas is going to burn the whole fucking school down if the teachers and staff don’t drug his little white ass and tie him down to a restraint bed! Jesus Christ!
It’s over for the Dark Lord because he plays for an organization run by one of the bad NBA Owner Oligarchs. Stan Kroenke owns it but his slapdick son, Josh runs the team. They’re the kind of oligarchs who have the mental disease of penny-pinching despite being multi-billionaires married to even bigger multi-billionaires. Pat Riley talks about the “Disease of More” regarding players, but Military Pat doesn’t say shit about the “Disease of More” when it’s regarding these American Oligarchs who can only live to see their number go up and have the most. It’s really the most disgusting thing in the world at the moment. But regarding the end of Lord Voldemort’s serious contention, Josh Kroenke is retarded and he’s divorced from reality’s disposition to teach people what is working and what is not. To Josh, there is only winning. Because he’s a billionaire and the laws of nature do not apply to him. But actually, the NBA is nature and Josh can’t get his dad to buy their way out of this mess that they’ve gotten themselves into by not retaining Tim Connely to make proper player personnel decisions! Josh let Tim go to the Timberwolves! Josh has the money to spend! But Josh has the disease that Stan has. The “Disease of More”. No wonder Stan married into the Wal-Mart family. They must orgasm together at the thought of the government needing to issue food subsidies to Wal-Mart workers because their wages to not allow them to comfortably pay for food.
“Oh my God, Ann! Fuck that feels good! Say it! SAY IT NOW!”
“SNAP! Stan! SNAP! Come on baby! Cum in my pussy! SNAP! SNAP!”
“AHHHHH!”
Yeah, that’s how Stan and Ann get down. In case you couldn’t figure that one out. I fucking hate the Nuggets ownership group.
But yeah, look at the Timberwolves. They bought Ayo Dosunmu, who is plainly an Avatar. He’s great. He’s attacking the rim and getting a fuck-ton of layups. Ayo Dosunmu made the most field goals in the game. By either team. This was a guy that Tim Connely bought at the trade deadline this year. Who did the Nuggets get at the trade deadline? No one. Carmelo Anthony was right about leaving Denver and he doesn’t remind people about that enough. Evidently, Carmelo has a studio show with Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady, and Maria Taylor. Does Carmelo tell niggas that he was right about Stan’s faggot ass? I don’t think so.
Side note, if you want a good time, have a man over 60 try saying “Ayo Dosunmu”. It’s literally impossible, and it’s hilarious. My Esteemed Editor is 31, and even he can’t get it right. I guess you have to be at least an eighth black to be able to say “Dosunmu”. Stuff you should know.
And in between trying and failing to properly pronounce “Dosunmu”, Dad was kindly stating that Allie Clifton “wants to be Heidi Klum but so do a lot of women.” Dad put it kindly there. Really, Allie Clifton is too ugly to have her job. Who are her parents? Is her family wealthy? She’s not an affirmative action hire. Shit is so insane. It’s not hard to go to a university and find a young Erin Andrews. These studio executives are so goddamn lazy!
The Nuggets are screwed because Nagini is never going to be able to make it through a full postseason run again. That’s the biggest reason. Without him, David Adelman is out there playing fucking Spencer Jones with snitch-ass Cam Johnson. That’s a whole lot of nothing. Snitch-ass Cam is still bumbling away possession of the basketball and throwing stones at the rim. Spencer Jones has never seen an open corner three that he didn’t want to immediately pass out of. Nothing perfectly symbolizes the sexual impotence of this Nuggets team more than that fastbreak that finished with Spencer Jones taking a push shot along the baseline, thirteen feet away from the rim. That’s what happens during fastbreaks that Cam Johnson leads! LMAO! Neither of those two are athletically capable of being on the same court as literally every Timberwolf. It’s really disgusting and embarrassing to the city of Denver that this Nuggets team is so weak and unathletic. Oh, and Cam Johnson looks like a donkey. A mull. A jackass. There’s a rule in the ref’s rule book about never giving Cam Johnson and1’s. They can’t make that call because Cam Johnson only gets blocked at the rim cleanly. Donkey ass. If I were someone who really lived and died with the Denver Nuggets basketball organization, I’d have a tough time looking at Cam Johnson’s donkey face. There was one offensive foul on Cam Johnson where he pushed King Leonidas who was just running around playing perimeter defense. It was really strange. King Leonidas wasn’t even setting a screen. It was just Cam Johnson pushing King Leonidas for no reason and it was so brazen that the dipshit refs had to call that an offensive foul. Donkey stuff from Cam Johnson.
Speaking of weak and unathletic, hello Christian Brawny! Previously, we’ve stated how Brawny’s screams felt like self-hype. Something he does to convince himself that he’s back from his debilitating ankle injury. Brawny sucks right now. He’s not going on kamikaze missions toward the rim. He’s not solving the Nuggets’ rebounding crisis. He’s missing free throws and missing pretty much every shot he takes. Oh, and Josh Kroenke gave Brawny a starter’s portion of the salary cap. So the Nuggets are tied to Brawny and whatever hot dogshit he gives them. Great!
There was a possession during the third quarter where Brawny was dribbling unencumbered in the key and had the most obvious “quit on life” because he saw French Rejection at the rim. Brawny was like “Oh fuck, French Rejection is at the rim?! Oh well, better give this ball in my hands to Donkey Cam so that he can throw another stone at the basket.”
This year, Peyton Watson was supposed to become the ancillary athleticism that the Dark Lord really fucking needs on this team. Well… Peyton Watson is sitting on the bench and he won’t stop yawning during these cutaways to Nagini. Seriously, it’s insane how the Nuggets’ season is ending and Peyton Watson won’t stop yawning. Did Nagini yawn once during the 20 broadcast cutaways to him and his custom baseball cap? No. Peyton Watson knows that he’s playing on a different team next year. Unless Dumbass Josh can find a way to trade away Brawny. Maybe Limp Dick!?! Dumbass Josh doesn’t have the stones for that trade.
The Nuggets need athleticism. They’ve needed athleticism for the entire time that they’ve been operating without Tim Connely, and it’s never propagated. Jesus Fucking Christ.
After these games, are Bones Hyland and Tim Connely going out to the strip club together, reserving a section, and popping champagne bottles with the most expensive black dancers that Minnesota has to offer and screaming “FUCK the Nuggets!” together?! They have to be.
Tim Connely is out here rubbing every last square centimeter of his nutsack on the Kroenke’s. Tim made the Bones Hyland signing. Tim made the Kovid Towns for Julius Randle and King Leonidas trade.
We’ve besmirched Julius Randle for not playing like a man earlier in the series when Nagini was playing. Well, with Nagini in street clothes and a custom red hat, Julius Randle felt empowered to be a goddamn man and attempt shots moving TOWARDS the basket. Probably have to thank Donkey Cam, Spencer Jones, and Brawny for that. Julius had a dunk in this game and we were like, “Yeah, Julius, you are a fucking gorilla. You need to dunk the goddamn basketball more!” Alex Rodriguez gave Julius an excited chest bump after Game 2 and who knows what Alex did after this game because Julius played his best game of the series without Nagini to outman him.
Bones Hyland has been very fun in this series. He was on his way out of the league and now he’s presiding over the death of the team that drafted him and cast him away! Bones’ three-point celebration is one of the best in the league. Who knows what it means but that two-arm, two-hand thing is awesome. We don’t even know if he invented it because that celebration was all over the NCAA Tournament. Specifically, that CBU-Kansas first-round game.
Did Jaden McDaniels say that all of the Nuggets were small, soft, weak little bitches and then go out there and back it up? Because it looked like Jaden did exactly that. God bless Jaden McDaniels. He’s been making Limp Dick look like a D-Leaguer for every second that he’s been guarding Limp Dick. In between not allowing Limp Dick to do anything other than hit the front rim on tired midrange shot attempts, Jaden is beating Limp Dick to rebounds. Limp Dick does not box out Jaden McDaniels. Give Limpy a break, he’s tired! Jaden ended the goddamn game with an awesome dunk right in front of Lord Voldemort’s face!
Breaking news, Limp Dick missed another shot trying to score on French Rejection. Jesus Fucking Christ, French Rejection might be having the best defensive series from an individual in the past 5 years. Donovan Mitchell is out there in the Leastern Conference winning JV games with the Cavs, and French Rejection is out in the Bestern killing Lord Voldemort and Limp Dick. French Rejection is winning, and has been winning, that Jazz Divorce.
Aside from Lord Voldemort’s truly despicable defense, there’s also his godawful offense. He’s throwing up airballs trying to goad the dipshit refs into calling Julius Randle for fouls. He’s hitting nothing but the front rim on seemingly every push shot he takes and immediately igniting a Timberwolves fastbreak that Ayo Dosunmu is finishing for a layup. Of course he’s not hitting threes. During the third quarter, the broadcast started having close-ups of Lord Voldemort and showing plus-minus stats that reinforced the fact that we were witnessing French Rejection steamroll the Dark Lord. Surely, Dwyane Wade was commenting on how truly insane it was that French Rejection was out there in Minnesota walking the Dark Lord like a fucking French Poodle, right? That’s what Dwyane Wade and Candace Parker were saying, right? Surely the Ex-Player Broadcasting School that both of those people attended taught them how to light into players playing terribly, right?
It’s so funny watching the Dark Lord be so fed up with getting blocked at the rim by French Rejection that he starts waddling around off-ball like a penguin trying to run away from a Leopard Seal on land. What world are we living in?! This is Lord Voldemort! He’s trying to lose French Rejection on off-ball cuts?! Jesus Fucking Christ!
The Nuggets were so pathetic that you watched this game and thought, “Thank God that Julian Strawther is in the game. Someone who has lower body juice!” Ugh. You watched the game and felt your best when the Strawther-Brucey-THJ-Cam-Voldemort lineup was out there, but you also appreciated the lineup where fucking Zeke Nnaji took Lord Voldemort’s place. Insane how Jonas Valanciunas was playing over Zeke Nnaji. Zeke can bend down. Zeke can jump. Zeke even made an open corner three! Fucking dumbass Josh Kroenke paid Zeke a bunch of money and then abandoned him. So retarded.
Guys, the score after the first quarter ended was 25 to 11. It was over as soon as it started and the Nuggets only took difficult shots that they bricked. The Nuggets have been working very hard to take terrible shots for the past 2 games and it’s extremely difficult to picture that changing. It’s even more difficult to imagine the Dark Lord becoming something that isn’t a five-alarm fire on defense who the Timberwolves never stop targeting. Seriously, the Timberwolves target Lord Voldemort on every possession like they’re the Boy Who Lived and they know Voldemort’s bitch ass can’t kill them. It’s emasculating. It’s embarrassing.
The Dark Lord won’t be able to look at us ever again after that Game 3 abomination.
Celtics 🍀 (-7.5) over SIXERS 🔔
- We’re going to stick with the Celtics in this series.
ROCKETS 🚀 (-8.5) over Lakers ⭐
- No way, really? This spread is suspiciously high. When that happens, we like to take the suspicious side. The Rockets are clearly poisoned, and niggas are going to be traded. At this point we like picking the Rockets and feeling the pain of their collapse.
Spurs 🤠 (-2.5) over BLAZERS 🌲
- We’re watching this game. Listen, we love Bear Jew. We want the Blazers to win. The Wembanyama will probably not play. The Spurs are still much better. The Blazers can’t shoot well and they got lucky to make shots during the fourth quarter of Game 2.
