Record: 38-33
“Ugh. Dad, this game sucks.”
“Someone’s a Knicks fan! Funnies! What, just because the Spurs aren’t playing, you can’t enjoy this? Well, I’m actually enjoying this game! Both teams are playing hard! Go Cavs!”
…
“Fuckin’ A.”
…
“Fucking Christ. James Harden, again?! Where’s Donovan Mitchell?!”
…
“James, you’re pissing the game away!”
…
“OK, Funnies. I’m done! This hurts!”
-
That game was awful to watch and the Knicks fans who paid $50,000 to sit courtside were rightfully into their phones during the end of the third quarter and the beginning of the fourth. The Cavs were successfully sending my stepson Mitchell Robinson to the free-throw line and my stepson was draining the life out of the building with his misses. The Cavs actually increased their lead because they just kept sending my stepson to the line and he kept missing both. That’s a bad television product!
For some reason, Dad is a Cavs fan. We can’t explain how he started rooting for Donovan “Frodo” Mitchell. It’s not like LeBron Blames where LeBron came out on a big stage with a corporate-sponsored “Democrat” and spoke into a microphone about how we need to think about things in a two-party system and not think about the actual issues. No, Frodo doesn’t do that thing. We really don’t know how Dad fell for Frodo. Dad doesn’t really play basketball like that. People who play basketball, and who aren’t indoctrinated into loving one team that they liked when they were five, don’t like this Cavs team. This Cavs team is unlikable. You do not look at the stars on this Cavs team and think, “I’ve played with guys who practice some rendition of the kind of basketball that Little Game James is playing, and it was so fun playing with them! Go Little Game James!”
You don’t look at Evan “King Theoden” Mobley and think “Wow, he’s really good! He’s likable! He’s charismatic!” No, you look at King Theoden and you become disgusted with what a “soft big” he plays like. We’re done waiting for King Theoden to grow up. The broadcast was off mute because Tim Legler is goated (despite his distaste for Tony Brothers swallowing the whistle for Ausar Thompson at the end of that Game 6), so we got to hear Richard Jefferson have a little celebration because King Theoden had a few possessions where he went to the rim, subdued his defender, caught a great entry pass from Little Game James, and finished a shot at the basket. Richard wasn’t switching up on us as the game went on. There was one shot that King Theoden had on the basket at the Knicks’ bench side of the court where he did some fadeaway stuff that missed. Then he got the ball again on either an offensive rebound or a quick steal and made a shot moving towards the basket. Richard was like, “That’s what he needed to do the first time.” We don’t need a lot from Richard Jefferson when Mike Breen and Tim Legler are his compadres. We just need some short, consistent messaging and if that’s going to be about King Theoden needing to not play like a “soft big”, that’s great broadcasting from Richard. Seriously, you watch these games with Tim Legler in Doris Burke’s place and you’re like, “Wait, Doris Burke used to be the third person on these broadcasts?! I just can’t imagine that!” Yeah, DB was on these broadcasts last year! Here’s why WOMEN can’t be a part of a three-man booth with Richard Jefferson and (maybe) Mike Breen: part of their broadcast charm is making little verbal digs at each other and WE ALL KNOW that you can not have “little verbal digs” with women as a man. You just can’t do it. You can do all sorts of things to women and they’ll be fine. You can “grab them right in the pussy” and they’ll fall right in line when it’s time to vote in the primary as long as you keep a brooding look on your face and never admit that you were ever wrong about anything. You can jack off into an indoor plant after you finish interviewing them for a role as an actress on a big-budget movie and they’ll understand that it’s “part of the business” so they’ll take it in stride and thank you during their academy awards acceptance speech for at least making it quick ejaculating into that Fiddle Leaf Fig. But you can not make barely-veiled insults to a woman on a national broadcast. Not without that escalating into unvarnished attacks at the man for unsubstantiated sexual inadequacy. Can’t do it! Imagine Tim Legler seeing something negative on the court and telling DB how that must remind her of something she did! No chance! Listen, it’s better when the broadcasters get the sense that they can sensor themselves a little bit less on a Disney broadcast. And when DB is there, there’s just that little bit extra of censorship that needs to happen because she’s a woman with men. Here, have an alternate broadcast with all women! Go watch that do numbers!
Quickly, while we’re on the topic of the broadcasters, how old is Mike Breen? 64! Who is the next-in-line to replace Mike Breen as the biggest play-by-play guy for the NBA? Noah Eagle? I don’t know who the young up-and-coming play-by-play guys are. I just know that they have to be sons of broadcasters because what person of average means would start broadcasting while hyperinflation is happening in the United States? We’re in the process of culling the youth of America who don’t directly jack off the Epstein Class and part of that is not making new play-by-play guys who aren’t the direct, responsible progeny of Ian Eagle!
OK, we really went in a different direction there. That’s kind of the point of this Leastern Conference Finals game 1. It was awful to watch and for the 44-11 run that the Knicks had to come back AND COVER, you just watched it and were like, “Oh really? This is actually gonna happen? Wow, OK, I guess this is happening. I didn’t bring a condom but you look like you don’t have any hemorrhaging pustules around your vagina, so I’m going to accept your advances.”
Yeah, I won that pick. It didn’t feel great. Sorry!
But yeah, King Theoden is not someone who looks like a fun time. Not someone who you endlessly admire like The Wembanyama. King Theoden gets the ball near the free-throw line and you never trust him to spontaneously feel his defender and move to where his defender isn’t. Kovid Towns and General Woundwort are probably the worst pick-and-roll defensive combo in the playoffs, and King Theoden can’t navigate them for a layup. That’s a testament to King Theoden’s atrophied basketball intelligence. You watch King Theoden play and you feel like King Theoden is questioning his sexuality or something while he’s playing basketball. Like there’s some kind of huge inner conflict inside King Theoden that he’s been “working through” for his entire time in Cleveland and that inner conflict is preventing him from just going out on the court and playing Kovid Towns off the court. It’s very strange. King Theoden asks “Is this OK?” a lot in his life. You see his need for permission in how he plays basketball. Just a little insight on how to divine someone’s character by how they play basketball. We have a lot of those!
But the biggest reason why this Cavs team is so unlikable is obviously Little Game James. Duh. Who else? Who likes playing with someone whose biggest focus is to get the dipshit refs to blow the whistle?! But yeah, Little Game James wasn’t the thing that you focused on throughout the majority of this game. His seven missed threes and six turnovers weren’t that obvious. What’s obvious is how these games get to the end and the Cavs just hand Little Game James the ball in isolation situations and say, “Here, Little Game James. Take this ball and put it in the basket. Frodo has been unguardable this whole game but you are getting the ball right now. Good luck!” Listen, we’re going to roast Mike Brown for some horrendous lineup decisions that were so egregious, we noticed them as soon as they happened. So we’re going to roast Kenny Atkinson. Yes, we know that you’re only supposed to criticize black coaches for offensive and strategic failures, and not white coaches. Well we don’t give a hoot about convention! We’ll criticize terrible decisions from all coaches!
Kenny Atkinson either needs to bench Little Game James for Sam Merrill or get it through everyone’s head that these late-game scenarios can not devolve into Little Game James trying to blow by Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges without anyone else moving. Watching this game, it becomes extremely clear how coaching in the NBA is such a difficult interpersonal task that being a tactician can really get thrown to the wayside. NBA coaches have to manage players liking them, trusting them, and believing that they believe in them. Then the playoffs start and those same coaches who were encouraging those same players, need to instantly turn into generals who unemotionally play the most optimal lineups regardless of players’ salary and also effectively communicate messages that the players may not want to hear. Maybe even messages that go against all the bullshit that was happening during the preseason. Of course, I imagine myself being one of these coaches and talking to NBA players in a tense halftime where I need to lay all my cards on the table!
“Guys, I’m here to win in the postseason. I have enough money to not have to do anything ever again in my life so right now while I have this opportunity to win the Leastern Conference Finals, I am going to play the guys who I think bring us the best shot at winning. Little Game James, you’re sitting for Keon Ellis. Wormtongue, you’re sitting for Dean Wade.”
And that would be it. No excessive reasoning. No personal challenges to the players to call me out after the game for going against the $40 million dollar superstar. Just my reasoning in the beginning, followed by my decisions. None of this Doris Burke nonsense. It’s called “Being a man with a dick”.
You can look over the box score from the Cavs and say things like “Dennis Schröder needed to be much better”, “Wormtongue needed to make more free throws”, or “Jeez, that’s a lot of missed shots from King Theoden”. All of those things are right, but this game wasn’t about the Cavs. It was about the Knicks. Mostly. The Knicks, and Frodo being unguardable… and actually making a left-hand layup.
You look at the box score to find the story of this game and you find the story on the Knicks’ side. This game was about Josh Hart being an atrocious shooter who could not be on the court. His misses were really bad and they were all wide-open attempts that the Cavs dared him to take. Yes, Josh Hart had several moments where he took Cavs defenders on his back and gave them a piggyback ride to the rim. That’s fine, but he can not be as bad of a shooter as he was in Game 1. Mike Brown needs to understand that and have a quick hook on Josh Hart if he comes out into the game and has three gross misses. We haven’t watched a single Knicks game this postseason, so we aren’t familiar with Josh Hart’s typical shooting motion, but it kinda felt like as the misses mounted, Josh’s shot had even more of a hitch at the top. It started to feel like Josh was releasing the ball on his way down from the jump shot.
So yeah, Josh Hart’s terrible shooting is probably the story of this game because Mike Brown finally decided to stop being a retard and put Landry Shamet on the court! Jesus Fucking Christ! Mike Brown was putting in JORDAN CLARKSON instead of Landry Shamet earlier in the game. While Miles McBride AND Jalen “General Woundwort” Brunson were on the court! Jordan Clarkson was there to guard people and make open threes! Tim Legler astutely pointed out that Jordan actually made his first three of the postseason during that game! You watched Jordan Clarkson step onto the court and you immediately questioned Mike Brown’s tactical decision-making. Jordan Clarkson looks like a gigolo who has been through too much. Guys love to point out women for looking “ran through”. Jordan Clarkson looks like the male equivalent of that even though he’s probably barely 30.
“He’s just adjusting his braids. That’s what I remember him doing.” That’s what Dad said after the game when I reminded him that Mike Brown played Jordan Clarkson over Landry Shamet. After Landry Shamet rightfully made the Christ the Redeemer pose after saving the Knicks game/season/hopes-and-dreams. Grand Theft Alvarado sprinted out to tackle Landry Shamet after he made the three in overtime (when that pose was broken out). GTA symbolizes New York and best believe that people in the city are going to make it uncomfortably clear to Mike Brown and his binders, that Landry Shamet needs to fucking play over Jordan Clarkson (and maybe Josh Hart). The cute little thing where Covid Towns holds the ball at the top of the three-point line is nice and all, but it really sings when all of the other players can shoot and space out the floor for unexpected cuts to the rim. That group needs to have Landry Shamet, not Josh Hart.
Jordan Clarkson came into the game and moved creakily. Jordan does not have the juice in his body that he used to. Not like zesty Jared McCain does now. Jordan came into the game and fouled Dean Wade on a made corner 3. Jordan also got trapped near the sideline because he was being weak with the ball and threw a terrible pass to the other side of the court that sailed over everyone. Jordan was so terrible in this game and Mike Brown needs to be relentlessly questioned for how he came up with such a retarded idea as playing Jordan Clarkson over Landry Shamet. For Christ’s sake, play Tyler Kolek over Jordan Clarkson!
That’s the biggest problem with Mike Brown’s coaching. Earlier in the game, it was looking like Mike’s biggest pratfall was playing Kovid Towns over my stepson too much. But then my stepson missed too many free throws and Kovid just acted like a regular NBA player who allowed General Woundwort and Landry Shamet to save the season. For the first three quarters of this game, Kovid Towns was playing like the biggest retard to have ever played in the NBA. There was a truly atrocious offensive foul where Kovid was literally holding Wormtongue back from a shooter. We don’t believe that the hold was necessary but it was extremely obvious and the dipshit refs had to call it. Kovid Towns was throwing his arms all over the place and being weak with the ball. In addition to being perhaps the biggest retard to ever play professional basketball, Kovid Towns was never giving you that feeling like he was some kind of knockdown shooter. Definitely wasn’t giving you the same feelings that Landry Shamet was. Kovid is a reluctant shooter, and the one big three that he made was only after an offensive rebound that came off of his own miss from the same spot. Kovid can call himself a better shooter than Dirk Nowitzki, and we can all allow ourselves to take that statement from Kovid Towns and use it to allow ourselves to label Kovid Towns as the biggest retard to ever play professional basketball. It’s OK. Kovid earned this.
For Christ’s sake, Dirk was making contested shots that he created out of nothing against the Miami Heat Big 3! Kovid Towns is out here struggling to score against 36-year-old Little Game James! Point and laugh at Kovid Towns. Put a dunce cap on him and shout that he’s the “village idiot”! Take all of your home-grown tomatoes and throw them at Kovid Towns while he smiles at you because you’re acknowledging his presence, and that’s all he needs to think you like him. Play cruel tricks on Kovid Towns for fun. Make him start crying in public by telling him that because he stepped on a crack that one time in high school, that’s what set off the “butterfly effect” that led to his mom dying of the CoCo. Make Kovid Towns hurt.
Yes, General Woundwort showed us why he has the nickname from the antagonist of Watership Down. That’s General Woundwort! Making several impossible midrange bank shots to save the Knicks and make the most dramatic playoff comeback in the history of the league. Really, we’re not being prisoners of the moment. That was the most improbable playoff comeback and it happened because General Woundwort made about 6 impossible shots in a row during the fourth quarter when the Knicks HAD to have it. We hate the crowd for these Knicks games because we’re jealous of their financial situation, but that crowd absolutely gets up and starts jumping around when General Woundwort puts the team on his back and saves the day. Credit where credit is due regarding that Knicks crowd!
What more can we say? That game was super boring and you felt zonked out while the ridiculous comeback was happening. Mike Brown just needs to not be a dumbass so we’re ready to ride the Knicks.
THUNDER ⛈️ (-6.5) over Spurs 🤠
- I’m sorry but De’Aaron is listed as out. I have a record to think about. I want to take The Wembanyama! I want to root with Dylan Harper! I want to be here tomorrow and be like “Eat my dick, bitches! You thought the Thunder couldn’t lose? Well they did! You don’t have the balls to be me!”
I’m having a moment of weakness. I’m going for safety. I’m going with Selfish Shai figuring this out. I’m going with zesty Jared McCain.
