Record: 40-33
“Mike, Mr. Carson from Wrongbomb, you really made an ass of me by sticking with Josh Hart and letting him shoot eleven threes. You were right and I was wrong about that.”
“Thanks, Mr. Carson. I appreciate that in another man. Willing to admit when you were wrong. I know this country doesn’t have a lot of that right now and I just want to make sure that you know that I appreciate it.”
“Sure Mike. Another thing. You were vindicated by your bench players playing terribly. I guess that Landry Shamet, Jordan Clarkson, Miles McBride, and my stepson all deserve the obvious distrust you give them. You must’ve known that from spending six months with this team. Hey Mike, your team is kinda really good! How do you feel about the team right now?”
“Every day I wake up and I write down that our chances ride on OG Anunoby’s hamstrings. I write it down, I say it out loud, and then I burn the paper to leave those thoughts in that moment.”
“Hey, Mike, that kind of behavior is a lot more profound than what I read about you going to coaching interviews and tricking all these oligarchs to give you head coaching positions with a bunch of binders and notes. You’re a smart dude! No wonder Nigeria has you coaching them! But seriously, Mike, I’m not one of these guys who buys into the whole ‘Player comes back from leg muscle strain and continuously contributes to accomplishing the mission’. My dad is one of those people. He’s barely hanging on to this planet. Mike, I’m living and dying with my mind, and right now, my mind is not optimistic that you can manage this OG Anunoby situation. Not through any personal or sexual inadequacies from your end, just that players who tear leg muscles tear them again and more severely.”
“When all hope is lost, all that’s left is relief.”
“Damn, Mike! That’s lowkey a bar! Did you think of that!?!”
“Mr. Carson, if I didn’t, I would never admit that. Part of being a head coach in the NBA is building up your mythology. Something you would know nothing about.”
“Damn, Mike. That’s hot. I love when coaches, dipshit refs, and players get mad at me. It makes all of you seem like actual people. Hey, Mike, while we’re on the topic of what an irredeemable cretin I am, can I tell you a story? OK, so after I’m finished being a tech faggot for the day, I smoke half of a left-handed cigarette under this tree next to this person’s house. A few days ago, a Tesla 3 drives behind me and I see the driver look back at me like I’m some kind of bloodthirsty murderer out on a purge. The car pulls in to the house’s parking spots around the corner from the shaded spot I’m standing. For zero seconds do I do anything other than patiently smoke. Then the driver comes around the corner, in the opposite direction of her front door, and asks me if I’m ok and if I wanted some water. I mean, I guess it was warm outside, but this really surprised me. I told her that I was fine and then I reciprocated her question. This got her surprised. We became two very surprised people. So then she walks into her home with her Subway bag. She had medical clothing on. Mike, did she want me to have a glass of water in her house and have sex with her? No, right? That has to be the guy in me thinking that every woman wants to have sex with him because if he doesn’t think that way, there’s much less sex. No way that was her aim, right, Mike? I go back to that shaded tree and there are pink toddler strollers strewn about the front yard and brightly colored children’s playthings in the back yard. That lady is probably a married mom of young children who saw me as a threat to her babies. She didn’t want to have sex! She wanted to call the police! I was right to not accept her strange water offering!”
“Fuck off Mr. Carson.”
“Alright, I think we’re done here. Thanks for your time.”
Guys, my picks against the spread have been on a serious heater over the past week. It feels pretty good. What would feel even better is having the conference finals play out how we expected them to. You know, with Dylan Harper, De’Aaron Fox, and a healthy OG Anunoby. Because what we have right now is a yellow brick road for the Thunder. And that is just really crushing. That hopelessness overwhelms you while watching the Leastern Conference Finals. You’re like, “Neither of these teams has the basketball wizardry that the Retarded Rabbits had last year. Neither of these teams has a chance against the Thunder. Who is the Knicks second ball handler? You need three against the Thunder. Three who won’t get eaten alive on defense. Considering that second parameter, the Knicks have exactly zero of those players. Why am I watching this? Fuck, when the playoffs end, and we all line up to fondle Sam Presti’s testicles, I’m going to be kind of relieved that this whole shit show is over and I don’t feel compelled to make these personal essays based on the NBA Playoffs.”
Yeah, that’s what everyone thinks.
Did the Cavaliers run out of mental and physical energy? Or did Josh Hart just hit too many threes? Five for eleven from Josh Hart after we talked all sorts of mess about his hitched jump shot. Three of those five makes came in the second half so that probably wasn’t the biggest factor in the Knicks blowing this game open in the third quarter. It was the Cavs losing all hope. Does Kenny Atkinson want to tell us that he’s playing bench players more to conserve energy? That’s what the broadcast was peddling during the first game when Kenny played Keon Ellis. Well, those bench players who Kenny played more of in game two were the reason that the team lost.
The box score is an interesting one to read. Neither team had a problem turning over the ball too much. The Knicks only had 6 turnovers! The Cavs actually had more offensive rebounds than the Knicks when the Knicks have my stepson, Mitchell Robinson. My stepson and I definitely did not go to Popeye’s after the game. That was definitely one of those car rides home where I didn’t say anything to him and just played some music that I wanted to listen to. Zero consideration for what my stepson wanted in that moment. Screw him. I’m leaving his mom soon anyway. The second that I get something else lined up, I’m dipping from stepson’s mom. Straight up text and block. Never seeing this free-throw retard again. This wasn’t our agreement. Our agreement was to have me watch him not kill the life of the building with badly missing every free throw he takes and letting that pervade into his defense and offensive rebounding. Stepson was moving fat yesterday. One block of Little Game James and a stop on Donovan “Frodo” Mitchell in the corner. Other than that, stepson was moving like he changed the material of his insoles to cement. Stepson let King Theoden dribble by him and finish a reverse dunk. That showed everyone that stepson was not ready for this game. Isn’t there an “Ariel Hukporti” to come in to play for Kovid Towns? If stepson is going to let King Theoden dust him off the dribble for reverse dunks, we need to see Ariel Hukporti. Because this free-throw stuff is beyond ridiculous and now the Cavs are getting more offensive rebounds. Stepson is not turning Wormtongue into his prison bitch like he was three years ago.
Mike Brown played Landry Shamet twice as long as Jordan Clarkson. That’s appropriate. Jordan Clarkson still had some Frustration Fouls that he asked Mike to challenge. The broadcast rightfully roasted Jordan for stupidly asking for a challenge on an obvious foul. There might not be another player who has less credibility with asking for coaches’ challenges as Jordan Clarkson. He actually made two shots around the rim but Jordan’s lateral mobility and general “force” on defense are absent. The layup that Jordan had, prompted Tim Legler to say that there was a “complete breakdown on defense” from the Cavs. That needs to be the go-to statement for anytime when Jordan Clarkson scores. At this stage of Jordan’s career, when he scores, it’s a “complete defensive breakdown”. This was definitely that. It was the third quarter and the Cavs were gassed. The Knicks were outrunning them at every opportunity. So does this stamina problem get better for the Cavs when the next game is still just 48 hours from the last?
It’s really a shame that Mike Brown couldn’t find enough time for Tyler Kolek to mature into being a playoff ball handler, because when the Knicks play the Thunder, they’ll need more people who can dribble and score when there aren’t “total defensive breakdowns”. No, the Thunder do not have those situations on defense. Lmao.
Did Landry Shamet break out the Christ the Redeemer pose to 15,000 screaming people? No.
What did happen was Mikal “Mr Attendance” Bridges checked his box for the day! Mr Attendance is really comfortable shooting all of his attempts. Mr Attendance’s shots are coming from all parts of the court and we just can’t shake the feeling that he’s playing carefree in the best sense of the word. The broadcast actually gave us some stat about how Mr Attendance has not been missing shots recently and he definitely continued that. He’s just playing beautiful basketball. Moving a lot off the ball and taking appropriate shots. The Knicks offense in general is extremely aesthetically pleasing. Lots of off-ball movement. Lots of passing. Lots of “actions”.
OG Anunoby wasn’t tearing up the nets like Mr Attendance but he blocked Little Game James before outrinning him down the court and getting a layup. Mike Breen does the preseason games for the Knicks and Mike took some time to politic for OG Anunoby being named one of the top-5 defensive players in the league. Does OG merit that? Sure. He absolutely showed up a 36-year-old. That’s for sure. But do you know any 36-year-olds on the Thunder? I don’t!
Was Kovid Towns a complete retard imbecile all game? No. He probably didn’t even have an entire quarter being that, and in the Leastern Conference, that’s enough to comfortably win a game against a Cavs team that just ran out of gas in the second half. There was a delightful moment where Kovid was posting up a smaller defender, lost track of everything else happening on the court, and put up a shot that Wormtongue eviscerated. Wormtongue obviously saw that coming and didn’t respect Kovid’s ability to see help defense coming while doing post moves. Maybe that’s the secret that Kovid has been hiding from us. Because we already know that him and his entire family are predisposed to dying from mild airborne pathogens. Pussies. But yeah, maybe Kovid knows that he can’t keep track of everyone else while he’s pivoting around the basket. Is no one calling out how Kovid can’t pass out of a crowd?
Sure, Kovid’s stat line looks great. He had an outlet pass to General Woundwort where he led the General beautifully. No assist for Kovid there. Only a “hockey assist”. Kovid is doing a great job scoring on Schnitzel. When Schnitzel is marooned on Kovid, Kovid allows himself to bludgeon his way to the rim. That’s cool. Kovid also allows himself to dribble by Wormtongue. Listen, we don’t believe in Kovid Towns being a part of a series win against a serious team! Yes, Kovid has had a long track record of winning playoff series. Lord Luka beat him 4-1 in that Bestern Conference Finals. Last year, the Retarded Rabbits clapped the Knicks, and it wasn’t because of General Woundwort!
Listen, this game was not fun. You would’ve been much happier if you skipped this game. You would’ve been much happier if you weren’t compelled to channel your inner creativity into writing things based on the NBA playoffs. But that’s not the world you live in. You are bound to watch the Cavs play legitimate playoff basketball for one half and then give up on life after halftime!
Richard Jefferson and Mike Breen had a bizarre extended glazing of King Theoden during the first half. Yes, that might’ve been the best quarter that King Theoden has ever played in a playoff game. He bullied Mr Attendance, dribbled around stepson trying to grab him, and made two open threes. There was a tip-in at the beginning of the second quarter, and then there wasn’t another made basket from King Theoden. During the second half, after Richard Jefferson waxed poetic about the merits of King Theoden, there was a possession where General Woundwort found himself isolated on King Theoden. Did King Theoden force his way to the rim in that situation? Of course not. It was the second half and King Theoden already had that scintillating first quarter. His work was done. No, King Theoden immediately passed the ball without considering going at General Woundwort for one nanosecond. King Theoden is not someone who you would like to battle with. King Theoden is an expensive woman who you have to put on your bankroll and your calendar. Needs a lot of attention, time, and money. Mostly for a payoff that only happens in your imagination. An idea that you really like.
Am I writing the obituary of King Theoden as a player who matters? Because that’s what it feels like! Remember how Scottie B won the rookie of the year and we were all like, “Yeah but King Theoden is better.” Yeah, no. Scottie B is significantly better than King Theoden. King Theoden has never shot 73% from the free-throw line and this year he’s at 60%. You watch him shoot free throws and you’re surprised when he makes them. Wormtongue too. Bigs are only great if they make free throws. Don’t forget that.
But who are we kidding, the Cavs lost this game because Schnitzel, Sam Merrill, and Jaylon Tyson combined to shoot 3 for 19. There’s the game! Not anything Little Game James did or didn’t do. Not all the free throws that Wormtongue and King Theoden missed. Just the fact that the Cavs’ role players refused to make shots. That’s something that usually turns around at home. We anticipate picking the Cavs to cover in game 3.
Thunder ⛈️(+1.5) over SPURS 🤠
- We have the burden of writing/typing about these games. That process leads us to have opinions and prognostications that we feel bound to follow. This particular prognostication is that De’Aaron Fox and Dylan Harper are seriously injured and that puts the Spurs below the requisite number of adroit dribblers to go up against this Thunder team. There’s also the belief that the Thunder are better without Rottweiler. Ajay Mitchell isn’t even on the injury report. This also feels like the Spurs’ time to bow out. For all the asswipes who say that the Spurs are “too young” to be vindicated.
