Record: 34-32
Wow. It doesn’t really hurt as much as it just makes us disgusted. We’re upset. We’re wondering how in the world LITTLE GAME James came through to save a team on the road in the playoffs during the fourth quarter and OVERTIME! Jesus Fucking Christ, that has never happened in his Hall-Of-Fame career! And LGJ is doing that at the tender age of thirty fucking six? No! That Pistons pick was a winner! Goddamnit! This is fucking Little Game James Harden! He does not do this! He actually kind of tried to piss away this game with foul-hunting and falling down but this is the Leastern Conference so you can screw up a game like Little Game James did and still come out with a win on the road because you’re playing against a franchise that employs the Bickerstaff family. Doesn’t Tom Gores (the oligarch who owns the Pistons) want them to be a serious team? Is he so bought in to this fable about Detroit’s “resilience” that he just gets overwhelmed with Jalen Duren’s muscles, and JB Dumbass’ “nice guy” bullshit? Jesus Fucking Christ, Tom, how many more retard moments do you need to see from JB Dumbass before you get it through your gluttonous head that JB Dumbass is one of those coaches you immediately fire the second you start getting real playoff expectations. Yes, Tom, I know. You didn’t expect to win 60 games this year, and firing JB Dumbass at the trade deadline because you realized that you were going to be the 1-seed would’ve been too “neurodivergent”. Tom, I get it. Oligarch power corrodes your ability to be a shrewd leader, have balls, be genuine, connect to working folk, and just generally have an ounce of sense. You won, Tom. You’re an oligarch. You own the Pistons.
You also lost to goddamn LITTLE GAME James in Detroit in a Game 5 of the playoffs. Tom, I don’t think I’m ever going to forget how you allowed JB Dumbass to fuck this up so badly. But go ahead. Retreat from this preventable embarrassment back into your Infinite Model Pussy (IMP) and playhouse family that you use to propagandize people into believing you aren’t someone who has outsized societal power and uses it to run train through “working girls”.
OK, we’re done with this pussy Tom Gores. We’ll get to JB Dumbass and how he’s conned people in the NBA into allowing him to make strategic decisions and be a part of leading a team in the playoffs soon. But first, let’s talk about Tony Brothers.
Y’all niggas love saying how the dipshit refs suck. Y’all niggas love to lose your composure and then blame the rule-enforcers. Y’all niggas some ho’s. Tony Brothers’ no-call to end regulation was EXCELLENT officiating! Tim Legler was on the broadcast, and while Tim Legler is goated, he was wrong to flame Tony Brothers for not calling a foul on Jarrett “Wormtongue” Allen against Ausar Thompson after Ausar stole the ball from Donovan “Frodo” Mitchell! Yes, it was absolutely a foul on Wormtongue. You DO NOT call that foul and hand Detroit the game like that! Absolutely not! You shut the fuck up, let the clock expire, and let the players sort it out in overtime. You allow us viewers to watch more high-leverage Little Game James Basketball! Mike Breen even got in on the pile-on with Tim Legler and openly questioned whether or not time actually expired when Tony Brothers gave the arm signal that regulation was over. Unlike Tim, Mike Breen said that Tony was actually right and it was now Overtime. So thanks for that, Mike. But Tim, that was some faggot nonsense that you did regarding your demand that a foul be called to send Ausar Thompson to the free-throw line with less than a second left in a tie game. Sorry, Tim. We understand that you are “right” and we are “wrong”, but we aren’t tax accountants. We’re people living life, and there are times when doing the “wrong” thing leads to the best outcome. No, we’re not talking about unprotected sex leading to babies “before you’re ready”. We’re talking about Tony Brothers not handing the game to the Pistons when overtime was the other option. Thanks, Tim. And we’re going to see whatever propaganda that Penis Head Silver puts out about how that was actually a foul on Jarrett Allen. Penis Head Silver likes being a tax accountant. We don’t care that Penis Head Silver is publicly saying that Tony Brothers is wrong for not calling that foul. Tony Brothers did God’s work in that moment. Of course his favorite book is the Bible.
OK, it’s JB Dumbass time!!! If you want, you can alternate between JB Dumbass and JB Fatass. We’re going with the former. Since we just talked about how the game went to overtime, let’s discuss how JB Dumbass handled that expert officiating by Tony Brothers. Did JB Dumbass understand that it was for the best that his team be forced to actually earn a win instead of being handed a win by the dipshit refs? Of course not! What, are you high on Biker’s Crank? Of course JB Dumbass didn’t stay on the sideline and firmly tell his team to shut the fuck up, mentally regroup, and go out there and win the fucking game in overtime. No! JB Dumbass marched his retard ass out to the opposite side of the court where the no-call occurred and started screaming at Tony Brothers about not calling the foul that would’ve handed the game to him in a simple way that he could understand. Fuck you, JB Dumbass. Lead your team. Would my Basketball Twin Flame Brad Stevens ever in a thousand years march through the court to scream at a dipshit ref because he didn’t end the game with free throws after you made a phenomenal defensive play to get a stop? No. None of the truly excellent coaches would’ve done that. Good thing that Tom Gores doesn’t see stuff like that and immediately understand that while you are bald and kinda fat, you are not wise, smart, strategic, collected, or shrewd. You’re just fat and stupid. OK, so there was that one moment that showed you that JB Dumbass is a retard who has used his dad’s name to get two head-coaching jobs in the NBA. What else?
Well, there was the part where JB Dumbass finally understood that the season was on the line and that his actual best players should play, so Bball Paul and Daniss Jenkins needed to be on the court.
"Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets."
JB Dumbass must be such a nice guy. Listen, JB Dumbass must have never been dropped and then told what a “nice guy” he is. Bitches understand that JB Dumbass can provide a dignified lifestyle with his NBA coaching contracts. JB Dumbass has been gaslit into believing that it’s ok to ignore “being at your best” in favor of just getting along and doing what’s easy.
What’s easy is continuing down this Jalen Duren road when Jalen refuses to have a single game that lives up to his preseason averages. It is so crazy how Jalen Duren has been so consistently subpar. Does anyone point out how Jalen Duren sets screens like a woman? How he protects his chest while setting screens? Does anyone point out how, despite all of Jalen’s beautiful black muscles, he refuses to try and dunk on puny King Theoden even with momentum going towards the rim? The Pistons literally almost lost their first-round matchup and JB Dumbass still waited until the fourth quarter of Game 5 in the second round to finally start giving Bball Paul those minutes where the game isn’t hopelessly lost. Jeez, how will JB Dumbass ever manage to handle the proverbial cat that’s out of the bag in that locker room? Will he have any balls and straight-up bench Jalen Duren to start Game 6? We doubt it!
“Duren made an All-Star team?!” Yeah, Dad was nonplussed at that fact which the broadcast shared.
But Bball Paul was great. He’s obviously better than Jalen Duren. So is Isaiah Stewart! The Pistons have two bigs who are noticeably better than the one JB Dumbass is emotionally bound to! But we’re not done with JB Dumbass. In addition to JB Dumbass refusing to turn away from Jalen Duren, JB Dumbass is hating on my man Daniss Jenkins. Duncan Robinson is injured so JB Dumbass starts Daniss Jenkins after consistently giving him less minutes than he deserves throughout the entire preseason and whatever playoff games that Daniss was not obviously on fire. JB Dumbass is very sensitive to “pedigree”. After all, that’s what JB Dumbass’ entire livelihood is based upon! The nutsack that JB Dumbass originated from, is a much better nutsack than you or I originated from. It is because of this nutsack that JB Dumbass is being paid enough not to be thrown in the trash and called a “nice guy”. JB Dumbass doesn’t have to concern himself with molding himself into Daniel Plainview in order to do what he wants in life! JB Dumbass has had that! Don’t worry!
OK, so my man Daniss didn’t get drafted which is a huge bugaboo for JB Dumbass. It’s something that JB Dumbass will never forgive and will always hold against Daniss. JB Dumbass is not someone who will imbue Daniss Jenkins with support and confidence. JB Dumbass will always have a twitchy trigger finger on Daniss’ minutes. Unless the season is on the line at home and JB Dumbass needs to do what is obviously right and play Daniss. Fuck JB Dumbass.
Did Tony Brothers remember that JB Dumbass called his final timeout with 42 seconds left and couldn’t advance the ball on out-of-bounds? Did that factor into Tony not calling that foul on Jarrett Allen at the end of the game? If it did, we just could not appreciate Tony Brothers any more.
You really see JB Dumbass’s retardation with how the Pistons handle obvious double-teams on Cade Cunningham. When that happens and Cade passes out, the other Pistons act like they’re not professionals and scared to shoot. And this is even when Ausar Thompson (who is not a professional basketball player and who is scared to shoot) is not on the court for offensive possessions! This was during overtime, where Cade got gassed from single-handedly propping up Detroit’s offense and gave Daniss the ball with nothing but space in front of him at the free-throw line. You felt like JB Dumbass was getting in his players’ heads. You felt like JB Dumbass was not empowering the other Pistons to sack up and take shots like they wanted to win. You felt like JB Dumbass just kept repeating “Give the ball to Cade” in all the huddles this year. Besides Bball Paul, whose will-to-win you can not extinguish, was immune to JB Dumbass’s offensive retardation.
So is that it regarding JB Dumbass? Emotional immaturity, roster stubbornness, and not empowering his players? We don’t get in to x’s-and-o’s of basketball. We just leave that with “Detroit players don’t seem to move a lot on offense” and “Ausar doesn’t do those dribble-handoffs like Draymond Green did”. Basketball isn’t a tactician’s game, anyway. Basketball is a game of feel. A game of unprotected sex.
The prosecution rests, your honor.
But yeah, Bball Paul is great. As someone who shadow-manages a professional fantasy basketball organization, I know this. I also know that JB Dumbass would not play Bball Paul immediately after Bball Paul got 5 stocks, 7 rebounds, and no missed free throws. But Bball Paul doesn’t need things like “encouragement” or “appreciation”. Bball Paul has mentally conditioned himself to go on that court and play like he wants to play. Consequences be damned. At the end of that game, Bball Paul seemed like the only Piston who was ok with making a move towards the rim in the half-court after Cade was double-teamed at the top. And Bball Paul was making them! He also got an absolutely insane block on Little Game James that was preceded by LGJ blowing by Bball Paul and seemingly having an easy layup. Really, that block might’ve been the most impressive defensive play of the playoffs, considering the time, score, and series situation. The Wembanyama’s defensive plays lowkey don’t count because he’s not a human.
Bball Paul followed that game-saving block on Little Game James with a Grown Man Rebound around Max “Schnitzel” Strus and King Theoden. It was a missed corner three from Frodo. That GMR led to a fastbreak layup for Daniss Jenkins because the Cavs had so many people trying to get the offensive rebound. It was a game-changing defensive rebound from Bball Paul. The kind of play Jalen Duren has not made in the playoffs.
And the second block that Bball Paul got? Just a block on Frodo going into the paint for one of his right-hand push shots. That block was recovered by Tobias Harris. It preserved a 6-point lead with 4 minutes to go. Bball Paul was just exceptional on defense. As stated, he was the only Piston besides maybe Daniss Jenkins, who was cool with shooting the ball after Cade was doubled at the end of the game. So the second and third best players in crunch time were players who JB Dumbass routinely didn’t play during the preseason because they didn’t come into the NBA with enough of a draft pedigree. Is JB Dumbass one of those people who hate mudbloods? Or one of those dudes who obsesses over what kind of breed a dog is?
There’s a headline on CTESPN about Cade’s teammates “letting him down”. We don’t agree with that and we watched that game. Daniss Jenkins had moments. Bball Paul was exceptional. Isaiah Stewart made 2 threes in about thirty seconds. Tobias Harris missed too much but he did have a stretch after bumping foreheads with Jaylon Tyson where he refused to miss. Sure, Caris LeVert didn’t play like Prime Kobe, but the only serious problems with the Pistons' supporting actors were Jalen Duren and Ausar Thompson. Watch all 6 of Cade’s turnovers. There are a lot of errant passes! Those look like his fault! And that steal by Schnitzel was absolutely atrocious. It was jarring to see Schnitzel just strip Cade of the ball like that in that spot on the court… in Detroit. Cade made a lot of shots, but he had help. Cade fucked away that game with his bad passes. And you know what? It’s on Cade that he allows JB Dumbass to be the coach. This is Cade’s team and it’s his responsibility that he allows a retard like JB Dumbass to be the coach. Give me all the puff pieces about how having a child at 18 made Cade Cunningham into some kind of wizened old soul. Give me those and then tell Cade that he needs to sack up and get rid of JB Dumbass. For the sake of Cade’s legacy.
Ausar Thompson had 7 stocks and he definitely has moments where you are compelled to pardon his lack of basketball skill because of the absurd defensive plays he makes. That block on Wormtongue during the fourth quarter was jaw-dropping. You can not issue that pardon, Mr. President. It’s sad watching Ausar refuse to shoot. It’s sad watching Ausar refuse to try and take layups. You sense how crippled the Pistons’ offense becomes when Ausar is on the court. Does the extra work that Ausar makes Cade do in order to overcome the defender ignoring Ausar contribute to these bad-pass turnovers that Cade gets? Is Ausar’s lack of basketball skill increasing Cade Cunningham’s load too much? Every turnover that Ausar gets makes you wretch. That one pass that Ausar tried to throw through Wormtongue at the beginning of the game should’ve counted for three turnovers.
Yeah, all the Pistons besides Cade Cunningham and Isaiah Stewart missed their threes. That doesn’t mean that they “failed him”. JB Dumbass failed Cade because he’s too stupid to be in charge.
This game was about the Pistons fucking up. It was not about Little Game James finally getting the dipshit refs to allow him to foul-grift his way to a playoff win. Although that definitely happened. Good on JB Dumbass for challenging that “foul” on Tobias Harris against LGJ’s swinging legs. Little Game James started that leg-swinging and it’s hot in the streets now. As someone who has never done that leg swinging, it’s confounding how people make shots doing that. You always fall down doing the leg swinging. Is niggas cool with falling down? I’m not.
Kenny Atkinson did some smart stuff by giving significant minutes to LGJ and Wormtongue without Frodo and King Theoden on the court. LGJ and Wormtongue have a solid understanding of basketball and they play well together. Frodo and King Theoden do not have a solid understanding of basketball. It’s to the credit of Kenny Atkinson that he overcomes the malformed roster that Dan Gilbert insists on having.
Did Schnitzel really win a pivotal Game 5 on the road with Little Game James and Frodo getting blocked 4 times during the fourth quarter? Umm, yes. We bought the “White Hot Playoffs” 2023 Miami Heat shirt and Schnitzel was a part of that team. Schnitzel is still here and he’s still turning in to a bona fide warrior when the calendar turns to May. My goodness. You saw Schnitzel getting feisty after he drained his second three and stepped up with obvious fearlessness to start pressing the Pistons’ ballhandlers. You see Schnitzel’s bravado in the “Rebounds: 8” part of the box score. The “Steals: 1” doesn’t reflect that the steal he got ended the game and really showed up Cade Cunningham for kinda carrying on the conception that people have of light-skin blacks being soft…
Schnitzel screams in these games and it’s not like Shellshocked Christian Brawny trying to convince himself that he’s alright, or Anthony Edwards trying to act like Obama and sell lies to the Minnesota fans that the Timberwolves have a shot at beating The Wembanyama. No, when Schnitzel screams, that’s just a white man who is willing to kill your whole family to win this game. That’s some shit King Leonidas would do. RIP King Leonidas. But King Leonidas doesn’t scream like Schnitzel does. Schnitzel screams because there’s a lot of energy flowing through his body, and just ending the game by pickpocketing Cade Cunningham isn’t enough. There’s some incoherent screaming that also needs to take place so that the Pistons understand that this is fucking Schnitzel, and Schnitzel will not be ignored. You will lose this game because of Schnitzel, and you will hear about it from Schnitzel.
Der fun!
Pistons 🚗 (+3.5) over CAVALIERS 🤺
- I like how it hurts picking the Pistons and seeing them screw it up.
Spurs 🤠 (-4.5) over TIMBERWOLVES 🐺
- We’re not picking against The Wembanyama while he’s against the Wolves.
