Record: 15-11 (4-0 yesterday)
It feels so empty to be right because there’s always something to be wrong about tomorrow.
Yeah, we’re skipping the profound excerpts from approved novels and we’re going straight to high-as-a-kite pre-shower thoughts from the Prophet Of God who is contaminated with his own bullshit. Listen, our Esteemed Editor has been helping us deliver these NBA write-ups that have been nothing short of revolutionary in their quality, boldness, and sophistication. We’re going to take a break from that today. We’re going to get shitty and play around in the muck. Because I fucking told y’all niggas that the Nuggets were done as a contender after game 3 and there’s nothing new to say. Ayo Dosunmu is having these layups in the halfcourt where he isolates Limp Dick and finishes a layup THROUGH him. That’s Limp Dick! That’s why I fucking gave him that nickname! Outlier Conference Finals against the Lakers aside, Limp Dick has been a constant drag on the Dark Lord and a symptom of Josh Kroenke’s wealthy impotence.
There’s 30 seconds left in the game with the Nuggets down 14 and Limp Dick can’t cross halfcourt in under eight seconds against Jaden McDaniels. And then the Nuggets’ coach that Josh Kroenke found at the dollar store is bitching about Jaden scoring a layup! “That’s the kind of player he is.” Lmao, Nuggets Coach is so pathetic for that. Just a blind schill parroting what he thinks he needs to say to not hurt Limp Dick’s feelings. Jaden McDaniels grew up poor. So what?! Fuck! Niggas need to accept Jaden McDaniels for being a fucking dog. For fucking saying that this Nuggets team ain’t shit and then ending their season with his play! Can Josh Kroenke go start a petition trying to get Jaden McDaniels suspended for scoring during game play? That would be appropriate. Stan Kroenke needs to allow Josh out of the cellar of their Billionaire Bunker so that Josh can start doing hilariously pathetic mess like publicly demand that Jaden McDaniels be suspended for scoring that layup. God that would be great.
Oh, here’s another pathetic play that Josh Kroenke can go for because he lost and that’s not allowed to happen for the Owner Oligarchs. Josh should argue that because Ayo Dosunmu was giving chest bumps and high-fives to every Wolves’ fan sitting courtside, Ayo should be suspended for instigating a riot. That would be good. Dig up some byzantine bylaw that disallows players from interacting with spectators like that.
We’ve never seen a player start chest-bumping and screaming with fans after they swished threes like Ayo Dosunmu did in Game 4. It’s amazing when it happens and always lights the building on fire. Last year, Julian Strawther did it in Denver but it turned out that the guy was an agent or some other kind of insider. There’s no way these fans that Ayo was screaming with were agents. They were white, and they were wearing Kevin Garnett jerseys.
It’s another year, and Jennifer Garner (not Gardener) is still out here in Capital One commercials being way too old. What kind of plastic surgery has Jennifer Garner had on her face? Oh, you think that just because she got dumped for a Puerto Rican and that Jennifer Garner grew up in West Virginia, went to Bible School, and studied Chemistry in college, that she’s immune to the trappings of attention? Wake up. No one is immune to becoming an attention whore that can’t peacefully release the throne unless you either kill them or catch them in a serious sex scandal. It’s a fucking con. Nature killed off the old for a reason. Call it “efficient”. Call it “God’s Will”. Call it whatever you want but people need to get serious about the credibility of these goddamn Capital One commercials. Take a fucking look at Jennifer Garner’s (not Gardener) Wikipedia photo. Shit does NOT look like her commercial face. She’s FIFTY-FOUR! Goddamn, Capital One. Give someone else a chance! Do what AT&T did and just find some stacked no-name woman to become famous! Not washed-up Jennifer Garner playing the role of an old white woman who has three black friends! Jesus Fucking Christ!
Jennifer Garner (not Gardener) has definitely had Botox. That’s a given. My stump of a cousin has had the Botox. She just openly admits it like it’s not a damning signal of her character. She’s wealthy though, so it doesn’t matter. The kind of wealth where she got a free house when she decided to start adopting kids that a drug-addicted mother couldn’t responsibly raise. That’s virtuistic! Unlike Jennifer Garner! Anyways, so Botox. Anything else? There’s this thing called a Rhytidecromy. It’s what people get to tighten up the loose skin around the jaw and neck. But Jennifer down for that. We’re at 2 plastic surgeries right now. Eyelid surgery? No. Nose job? I don’t think so! As we’ve mentioned before, my nose job diagnostic skills need sharpening. According to the Google Machine, Jennifer has used “fillers”. So that means that she used “fillers” on more than just her lips? When a white like Jennifer uses “lip fillers”, is that a sign that she doesn’t respect AFRICAN-AMERICAN culture? Like Kenyon Martin wearing Japanese symbols for tattoos and then saying Jeremy Lin can’t be good at professional basketball because he’s Asian? We’re just asking questions! We’re just having fun!
OK, so we’re checking the Jennifer Garner box. Let’s move on to the Erin Andrews box. We suspect that Erin is more wealthy than Jennifer because unlike Jennifer, Erin was a woman capable of starting world wars in her prime, so Erin got to have a hotel pay her millions of dollars because someone legit stalked her on their premises. Jennifer has never had someone legit stalk her like that. See, we’re turning the tables so that being stalked is actually a testament to a woman’s attractiveness. It’s a new world and being stalked is actually a good thing. But yeah, somehow it feels more appropriate that Erin, even at her current age, is shilling for these commercials about cancer pills that cure cancer. That’s Erin’s age demographic, at least! Did Erin have one of those less-serious cancers? She never had kids despite being wealthy so we’re always going to suspect that there was/is something off with Erin’s reproductive system. Could be cancer. Could be kidney stones. We’re not doctors. We’re basketball savants.
Last note on the commercials. There’s this commercial with animals talking, which is a strong premise to any commercial. Last year there were these talking animals in a corporate meeting room with Kevin Durant and we got to think about the best talking animals to have a work meeting with. Fun times! But this years’ talking animals commercial seems to be about the qualities of some kind of car. We’re not sure what it’s about. What we’re sure about is that the talking Eagle with the Texas rancher accent is hilarious. Something about the combination of the southern rancher dialect and the Bald Eagle is so funny. We can’t remember what the Eagle said. It made us lol.
Basketball savants who got really upset that ABC hijacked the broadcast because of a pathetic assassination attempt. Listen, America is due for a bloody revolution. We know this. So it shouldn’t be noteworthy when someone tries to storm the WHCD and only manages to fire one shot before being detained. That’s not even a school shooting! This is 2026 and NBA Playoff basketball game broadcasts can not be derailed because of a failed assassination attempt without casualties. It was great hearing the commentators listen to Mike Breen act somber about the “attack” and just wait before getting back to being excited about Ayo Dosunmu formally sealing the Nuggets’ coffin.
Cavs 🤺 (-3.5) over RAPTORS 🦖
- Tough pick! There was a “Jamison Battle” who made a bunch of threes in the fourth quarter of game 3. We don’t expect that to happen again. Immanuel Quickley is out. We think that’s a big problem. Scottie B and Rowan Barrett both scored 33 points in Game 3. Little Game James also had a quiet meltdown. We’re hopping back on the Cavs Train!
Spurs 🤠 (-4.5) over TRAIL BLAZERS 🌲
- We’re watching this game! We don’t know if The Wembanyama is playing. We don’t care. One team has Dylan Harper and the other has Cuckold Clingan. Bear Jew is losing teeth. Bug Eyes is not going to make shots like he did in Game 3. We’d love to see Scoot actually lock down Dylan Harper instead of just point at him, but we don’t believe that will happen.
SIXERS 🔔 (+7.5) over Celtics 🍀
- Here’s an irresponsible pick. Celtics shouldn’t have covered Game 3. Tyrese Maxey is the best player in this series. These games are awful to pick because it feels like one team is going to make threes and win, and the other team is going to miss threes but never adjust their strategy.
ROCKETS 🚀 (-4.5) over Lakers ⭐
- LMAO, niggas is getting traded! But c’mon, Houston can’t get swept and not cover a single game where they are always favored, right?!? RIGHT!?! It would really hurt to lose this Rockets pick because they’re obviously collapsing. This feels like when I picked Denver to cover Game 3 and said that picking the Wolves would be a “warm blanket”. Ugh. This game sucks. Fuck the Rockets.
