Record: 18-21
“Well, that's the problem with life, right? Either you know what you want, and then you don't get what you want. Or you get what you want, and then you don't know what you want.”
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What deep flaw in human psychology is corroding our joy of the playoffs after all of the Game 5’s in the first round ended? How did the joy leave the party so fast?
This first round was supposed to have the Nuggets be in a serious, extremely personal war with the Timberwolves, and that series has just completely crumbled into nothing. What we came into this life expecting was the Nuggets with Nagini, going to battle against the Timberwolves with King Leonidas and an average version of Anthony Edwards! Now that all three of those players are gone, that series is actually pissing us off because this version of the Nuggets is just so despicable with Donkey Cam Johnson and Spencer Jones. That series was supposed to carry the first-round and now that it’s gone, we have to come to terms with Lord Luka being gone from this Lakers team and Austin Reaves either being physically compromised or having his normal playoff foibles. And also, this Rockets team is involved and this needs to be the last time that this version of the Rockets is prominently featured in the NBA Playoffs. Ugh.
No, I did not watch the Pistons-Magic game. Yes, I tried my best to watch that Lakers-Rockets fart fest. It was Bestern Conference basketball so you can watch the game and understand what is happening, but that series is too deeply flawed to be compelling. The strongest feeling you got while watching Game 5 was “No, this can’t be Game 5, this has to be Game 6! The broadcast showed that Game 6 and 7 were scheduled in the future, but this game I’m watching has to be the sixth game. Wait, so the Lakers won the first three games of this series? That doesn’t make any sense. No, Houston has home court. They are the higher seed. This is Game 6 and after Houston wins this, we get a Game 7 in Houston. Wait, this is Game 5?! Houston has to win two more games after this?! Why can’t I understand that!?”
We can’t remember a playoff game where there was such a propensity to believe that the game happening in front of us was not the actual point of the series. Very strange feeling in a very strange series.
Part of the reason that watching this game melted your brain was that the Lakers had 67 points after three quarters. It was bad. It was ugly. Austin Reaves actually looked to be moving fine coming back three weeks early from an oblique injury but Austin wasn’t getting shots close to the basket. Austin was only making long bombs and displaying some really gross foul-baiting. While defending Tari Safar, but also while trying to get rebounds. The dipshit refs listen to Austin Reaves when he tells them to call fouls for him. Ime really has to save his coach’s challenges for moments when Austin flies backwards trying to defend Tari Safari and the dipshit refs feel bound by Austin’s white magic to blow the whistle.
Quick note on Ime, he sits down in his coach’s seat and leans back in a way that screams, “Y’all niggas figure this shit out. I hate y’all and if I have any clout with Tillman, I’m trading a bunch of you after the season ends. Fuck y’all. Reed, I hate your white ass and I’m playing you so that everyone understands what a little bitch you are.”
Somehow, Dad’s funniest analysis of these playoff games that I have introduced him to is his bafflement at Reed Sheppard being drafted third overall. Dad thinks Reed Sheppard is 5’-10” and that Reed doesn’t get by anyone. Solid scouting from Dad.
Reed Sheppard sucks. I’ve made a note to my fantasy basketball owner that he can’t let me get carried away with his “block percentage” and talk him into drafting Reed Sheppard. Yes, Reed absolutely ended this game by ripping the ball away from LeBron Blames. That happened and I’m not denying it. What also happened, and what seems to happen a lot in this series, is that Reed does not cash in open shots that he takes. There were a lot of missed Reed Sheppard field goal attempts in Game 5 (not 6). And Dad was right. Reed doesn’t break down anyone while dribbling and move around them. P Rabbit, Reed Sheppard is not. Not even Tyler Herro. Reed doesn’t create offense like that. Evidently, LeBron Blames was relentlessly getting Reed switched onto him earlier in the series and using that mismatch to create offense. That wasn’t happening in this game. The Lakers scored 93 points! The Lakers' most coherent player on offense was goddamn DeAndre Ayton! Austin Reaves missed twelve shots!
Reed Sheppard is a perfect symbol for how timing is the second most important thing in life after who your parents are. Reed came into the league with the weakest group of rookies perhaps ever. Stephon Castle is over in San Antonio refusing to take unguarded threes and crashing out with dumb turnovers against the Blazers in Game 5. Zaccharie Risacher is not playing for the Hawks in 20-point drubbings. Alex Sarr plays for the Wizards. Ron Holland is sitting on the Pistons bench and unable to hide his dismay that Jamal Cain put Jalen Duren in a body bag in game 4. Cuckold Clingan is making me compare his family to Trump supporters in 2026 and telling everyone I know what a shitbag he is. Egregiously terrible draft class that Reed Sheppard took advantage of and now the Rockets are giving him grace that he shouldn’t have because he was the third pick. Dad has repeatedly said that Reed Sheppard won’t be back on the Rockets next year. We’ll see if Tillman Fertita can get over his Endowment Effect and sell Redd Sheppard this offseason. We doubt it.
When you’re out in the wild and see a beautiful woman obviously attached to an ugly guy, don’t blame money/resources. Blame Reed Sheppard. Because maybe that guy just managed to find that woman at the right time after she finally admitted to herself that her previous guy wasn’t going to stop beating her. Maybe she finally had the epiphany that his apologies weren’t for anything other than excusing himself. Because timing in life is everything. Timing and having a wealthy parent.
Reed Sheppard is so bad that Aaron Holiday comes into these games and you’re like, “Oh my God, the Rockets have a fast ball-handler who can create his own shot off the dribble and looks to shoot?! Wow, that’s different!”
Dad’s second scouting report from this series was a glowing endorsement of Tari Safari. This is funny because I’ve been the ordained minister of the Church of Latter Day Tari Safaris ever since I saw his LSU highlights. In a couple of weeks, we’ll be reminded of that. But yeah, all Dad needed was seeing Tari Safari dust Jaxon Hayes for an and1 reverse layup to know that he really liked “That Eason Guy”.
“Hey Dad, the Queens drafted Keegan Murray over him.”
“Ugh. Jesus Christ. I hate Keegan. He’s good one minute and then invisible for two weeks.”
“Why do you like Tari Safari?”
“Uhh, he just plays hard. He took it to the rack against Jaxon Hayes like a man.”
Yeah, sometimes Dad and I share the same opinions about things. Does that mean that we’re deeply similar people and that I’m just a slightly different version of my dad? Maybe just a version who didn’t have the overwhelming life obstacle that is a black dad and a lazy, blindly selfish mother?
Tari Safari was good in Game 5. He made a reasonable amount of shots. What stood out the most about Tari Safari was that he’s the first one on the bench to stand up and get excited for teammates when the Rockets manage to make a field goal. Tari Safari showed that when he stood up and started screaming with Jabari Smith after Jabari made a three with 9:57 left in the game. Tari Safari also got up and gave the “Mutumbo Finger Wag” version of finger-pointing to Amen Thompson after Amen made a crucial three-pointer in the fourth quarter. Tari Safari gets along well enough with Amen. The Rockets’ terrible chemistry is not because of Tari Safari. They’re because of Durantula and Alperen Sengün.
Alperen Sengün doesn’t get enough hate for clogging up the offense with his mission to be the ugliest basketball player to ever play in the NBA. When someone plays like Alperen, it’s hard to play off of. His steps don’t make sense; he travels every time he tries to make a move, which throws everyone off, and you can’t feel his intentions. It’s either Alperen is going to make the nastiest pivot fadeaway one-arm shot, or he is going to realize that he is going to get blocked by DeAndre Ayton so he’s going to throw a wild kickout pass to an open shooter. Tack on the fact that Alperen Sengün flagrantly lies to officials with head tosses backwards whenever Lakers players make any movement around his head. Amen Thompson actually did that earlier in this series too. So in addition to missing a lot of shots and not playing the beautiful game, these Rockets throw their heads backwards when their faces aren’t touched. Not likable!
Did the Lakers not go into this Game 5 in Los Angeles with the requisite amount of focus and determination? We suspect that they didn’t and that our subconscious picked up on the Lakers’ indifference to this game and that’s why we couldn’t accept that this was Game 5 and not Game 6. We read The Inner Game Of Tennis, so our subconscious is a goddamn supergenius.
Maybe part of our psychosis was the Lakers’ crowd getting all jumpy after Rui Hachimura made a three-pointer to cut the lead to 5 with 2:30 left in the fourth quarter. Mariska Hargitay is really a Lakers fan like that?! Talk about an actress who needs to be put out to pasture. Anywell, watching the game, you never felt that the Rockets’ win was in doubt. Sure, the Rockets had one of the most ridiculous choke jobs in Game 3 of this series, but watching the game without Jay Bilas to enlighten you, you never felt that the outcome was in doubt. Even with the Lakers crowd jumping around in the fourth quarter like their victory was pre-ordained. Jesus, that Lakers crowd was peak delusional.
Did Jay Bilas say anything about how awful Marcus Smart was in that game? Marcus seems to perfectly switch every free throw he attempts, but he made passes to no one, got pickpocketed by Reed Sheppard, and missed every open three that he attempted in the second half. Six turnovers in the stat sheet for Marcus, and watching the game, you felt that. Marcus Smart’s turnovers are always as loud as a turnover can possibly be. Passes that get intercepted and lead to runaway layups, travels that negate open layup opportunities, and the aforementioned pickpocketing courtesy of Reed Sheppard. That was a terrible Marcus Smart game, and that’s extremely detrimental to this Lakers team because Austin Reaves is missing twelve shots, LeBron is 41, and Lord Luka has a torn hamstring!
The reason that the Rockets won was Jabari Smith. Kevin Durant can call Jabari a retard in as much group chats as he wants, but Durant can’t take that Game 5 away from Jabari. Only two blocks in the game from Jabari but both of them were incredible and you get the sense that Jabari “protects the rim” which is extremely important. Jabari got an offensive rebound that he kicked out to the corner for Aaron Holiday’s only made three-pointer. That was a huge play. And Jabari made four three-pointers! All of which were followed by Jabari screaming like we like. Jabari Smith cares. Jabari Smith showed up in a road playoff game. Jabari Smith can stay on this Rockets team.
Really, who needs to leave from Houston are just Alperen Sengün and Reed Sheppard. Let Steady Freddy come back and begrudgingly welcome Durantula back into the fold if you can’t trade him to Charlotte for their draft pick and Coby White (sign and trade). Let Tari Safari, Jabari Smith, and Amen Thompson grow up together please.
Last note, there was a mom sitting courtside with an infant in her lap. Was she going to be able to prevent her baby from getting irreversibly damaged if a player flew into that courtside section? No. Dumb lady. Terrible mother. Peak delusion from a crowd that specializes in manufacturing that. That mom can’t be happy with just attending a Lakers’ game courtside, facing the broadcast camera. She has to include the thrill of her newborn being possibly maimed by Marcus Smart diving into the crowd to save a possession. Hedonic adaptation at its worst. Endangering infants.
Knicks 👖 (-2.5) over HAWKS 🦅
- I’m angry that I picked the Hawks to cover last game when they lost by 20.
Celtics 🍀 (-6.5) over SIXERS 🔔
- Same deal where I’m angry because I picked the Celtics and they lost the cover by 20 points.
TIMBERWOLVES 🐺 (+6.5) over Nuggets ⛏️
- I’m making this my Fuck You Pick Of The Playoffs (FYPOTP). Fuck the Nuggets. Fuck Donkey Cam Johnson. Fuck Spencer Jones. Fuck you if you believe that the Nuggets will win this series. Too much “fuck you” to not make this the FYPOTP. Obviously I’m watching this game!
